tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75688994936087077532024-03-13T10:19:15.594-04:00Bump in the Road: My Baby BlogSometimes an unexpected bump in the road of life is the best thing that ever happened to you!Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.comBlogger171125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-82528469138989310162019-08-13T01:17:00.000-04:002019-12-07T05:08:06.454-05:00The Butterfly Effect<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lOwOVVARdQs/XTPv32Y5bJI/AAAAAAAAWik/hXSRRu2TgagvGki85bBg1t3Mpqo8d1bhgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5759.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1339" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lOwOVVARdQs/XTPv32Y5bJI/AAAAAAAAWik/hXSRRu2TgagvGki85bBg1t3Mpqo8d1bhgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5759.JPG" width="267" /></a>The Butterfly Effect: In chaos theory, everything is interdependent. Even a tiny change in one state or system can lead to a huge change in another. The example being that a butterfly flapping its wings in North America can cause a hurricane in China. Theoretically if the butterfly had NOT flapped its wings at that precise moment in space and time, the hurricane wouldn't have occurred. Sure it's a bit of a stretch but I believe there is actually something to it. The domino effect. It is all connected somehow. The tiniest thing can set off a chain reaction. Actions have consequences. Even small ones. Newton's Third Law is that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I confess I tend to be a bit of a "reactionary." My therapist says it's because I'm "passionate." Things affect me deeply. In any event, a lot of strange things have been happening since my last post. Some of them involve actual butterflies. I'll get to that later. This post is about May and June. And maybe a bit of July... (Perhaps even a smidge of August. OK this is taking A LOT longer than I thought and the longer it takes the more things I want to include!) </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BQPju3PPRI8/XUtiN3JaacI/AAAAAAAAXR4/aJwuiQajSx0l6L5Aj6pK0t01O5-qKjujgCLcBGAs/s1600/the%2Bend.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="160" data-original-width="240" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BQPju3PPRI8/XUtiN3JaacI/AAAAAAAAXR4/aJwuiQajSx0l6L5Aj6pK0t01O5-qKjujgCLcBGAs/s320/the%2Bend.jpg" width="320" /></a>July would turn out to be somewhat catastrophic. On a global level, July 2019 was LITERALLY the hottest month ever on record. We're burning up. From global warming to global scorching. Even the arctic was on fire! On a personal level it was a disturbing time where I would have to face ghosts and demons, places I've avoided for more than a year. Everything seemed to be falling apart around me. And it wasn't just me. Bad things were happening to just about everyone I knew. Weird, awful, random things. My therapist said Mercury was in retrograde (meaning it appears to go backward in its orbit. It seems to throw everything out of whack. Technology can break down, people break down. Everything is a little off.) July could certainly be a blog post all on its own but some of it I don't even want to discuss/relive. Actually part of me is thinking of pulling the plug on this whole thing. To draw the curtains. To end my blog. To close this window into our lives. It's been 7 years. That's a long time even though, good and bad, it's gone by in the blink of an eye. This blog got me through some VERY tough times when I felt alone and needed to put my thoughts somewhere, to share them, so maybe I wasn't so alone. It did help me and I'm grateful for that. I'm thankful that I was able to help other single moms to feel less alone and having them reach out to me was extremely rewarding. But it's different now. This was supposed to be a "baby blog" and Michelle is a big girl now. Also there have been so many obstacles to me even doing the blog, just one extremely discouraging thing after another. My friends and family are all against it. No one wanted me to do it. Some begged me not to. (Mostly because of my incendiary previous post.) Of course my Mom has been a naysayer from the beginning. (Though she did used to enjoy reading it when I'd show her the posts. She still didn't think I should be putting all of this "out there," she thought it was dangerous. I told her that although I reveal so much I NEVER say where we live or any details.) Despite all the disapproval I was still clinging to it but now there are even more deterrents. Suffice it to say that at this point my blog CREATES more stress than it alleviates. The blog was supposed to help relieve my stress, to help me process things. Now it has become yet another source of anxiety. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8rcABG_jRYM/XUti8MG-b0I/AAAAAAAAXSA/TxeM_3W4Z-s1GCi9QRnk2J0moEC4h-c_QCLcBGAs/s1600/writing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="506" data-original-width="493" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8rcABG_jRYM/XUti8MG-b0I/AAAAAAAAXSA/TxeM_3W4Z-s1GCi9QRnk2J0moEC4h-c_QCLcBGAs/s320/writing.jpg" width="311" /></a>Writing is therapy but at this point I think I'm better sticking to pen and paper which no one will ever read. Because routinely spilling my guts out in a public forum no longer seems appropriate. There has been some fallout. Internally and externally. These posts take so much out of me. They require a lot of time and energy to do and those resources are in limited supply these days. Also unfortunately I've had some rather disturbing responses to my blog recently (emails etc and I've had a few online stalkers. I can block psychos on Twitter but the blog is open to anyone) and I'm questioning whether it's wise to allow strangers into our lives this way. There are some really BAD dudes out there who don't deserve to know ANYTHING about us. Anyway I don't want to get into all that. My last blog post was rather dark. I was hoping this one would be lighter! Though it still has some stormy skies... So here's one for the road. My last post. And don't worry. I would still like to hear from nice folks out there and thank you for following my journey all these years! You can still catch me on Twitter and Youtube. (Unless I go completely off the grid and move to a cave! Anything is possible I guess.) Let me know if you'd like to be on my mailing list. Maybe I'll do a private newsletter or something. But it won't be this. I'm not going to have a public play by play online diary anymore. Please feel free to comment/email etc if you're a decent human being. I've had some very kind people check in over the years. And I am so grateful for that. If you're a bad dude however I hope you can at least show me the decency to just leave me the Hell alone please because I have more than enough of my own issues to deal with already thanks. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cIAVfxCRPVk/XTPvHicGJcI/AAAAAAAAWiQ/oIjbWSzI-sAbs-bjNIZHjN4j_5uPSQvLgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4293.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline !important; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1088" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cIAVfxCRPVk/XTPvHicGJcI/AAAAAAAAWiQ/oIjbWSzI-sAbs-bjNIZHjN4j_5uPSQvLgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4293.JPG" width="217" /></a>Anyway, where do I begin? May. If April showers bring May flowers then what do May showers bring? Just rain. And more rain. Of course even rainy days can't bring this girl down! Michelle is my bright and sunny beautiful little walking rainbow with the rubber boots to match. Actually I don't mind the rain too much either. At least it keeps the grass green. But sometimes it's a bit much. Mom was always calling to tell me about the latest horrors in the news -- fires, floods, plagues of locusts. Every day it seemed that yet ANOTHER place was flooded. Sometimes across the globe. Sometimes close to home. Too close for comfort. Apparently Burlington Beach doesn't exist anymore. The sand is gone. Climate change. We can't ignore it. So do we stay calm and adapt or do we panic? I'm just glad we don't live too close to a body of water, although that used to be my dream. I feel bad for people who have lost everything to a deluge. I can't imagine. Of course we might all be underwater someday at the rate we're going. I try not to worry about the Apocalypse too much. There are more mundane and immediate things to worry about. I was trying not too stress so much. I was trying to find my zen. I was actually doing pretty well. </div>
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Michelle had a piece of her art included in a local art show! Her work was chosen to represent her class along with several other talented students in an exhibit at a local community center. I was so proud of her. Of course this was her second show now. She had one of her drawings included in my art show last year, at the now defunct "Starving Artist Cafe." I'm sure that the irony of a Starving Artist Cafe going out of business is lost on no one. It is tough to be a starving artist. Because you are literally starving. Sadly even some of the most famous artists of all time whose paintings sell for millions of dollars today, were penniless during their lifetime. It's tough to make a living as an artist. Only a lucky few do. Most have to compromise or find other ways of paying the bills.<br />
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We went to see the movie Ugly Dolls and it was really cute! It had a great message: that you don't have to be perfect, that your uniqueness, your quirkiness and imperfections are what make you special.<br />
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What a boring world it would be if everyone were "perfect." If we were all cookie clutter clones, exactly the same. Yet many of us are self-critical. We beat ourselves up over our flaws. Some people feel so self-conscious about what they consider flaws and actually go as far as having plastic surgery. The media can hurt your sense of self-worth if you try to compare yourself to an unattainable ideal. You can't compare yourself to supermodels and actresses. Even THEY don't look that good in real life, without perfect lighting and photo shop. Everybody has bad hair days, days they look tired, or they have pimples or wrinkles or stretch marks.<br />
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My pretty doll!<br />
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Michelle was adorable in her ballet outfit. We went to get her ballet portrait done with her class. Ballet season was ending. I couldn't believe it. I keep saying it because it keeps being true: TIME GOES BY WAY TOO FAST. Somehow the season has come and gone. Somehow Michelle is almost SEVEN YEARS OLD!? It's crazy. It's why I take so many photos though. Even though the photographer was taking professional ones I still couldn't resist snapping several of my own. It was adorable to see all the little dancers dressed up in their outfits. Cuteness overload! After speaking with a couple of parents who are very anti-photo I am careful not to include other kids in online pictures anymore but it's a shame to me because it's so adorable and I loved sharing pictures of Michelle with her friends. I get around it now by just editing them out of the photos I post online.<br />
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My girl and me. I couldn't resist a selfie with my Pink Princess. I am grateful I got to give her this experience. Ballet was my dream as a child and I never got to live it out. Someone suggested "You could still take classes now! It's never too late!" Except it IS too late. I'd feel pretty silly being a grown woman in a primary ballet class. Besides if you don't start young you lose your flexibility. No, that's one dream that's long gone for me. I think it's common for parents to want to live vicariously through their kids -- to give them experiences they didn't get to have or to watch them carry on your legacy, your dreams. Some parents will force kids into things they don't even want to do because it was the parent's dream. I would NEVER do that to Michelle. If she wasn't interested in something I would never force it on her. However, if she likes something that I also love? I am for SURE encouraging it! She ASKED to take ballet. And at the time it was scary for me because I was in a precarious situation financially and otherwise and wasn't sure what my schedule was going to be. Would I even be able to take her to class? I'm so glad I took the chance and got to give her this opportunity. She absolutely loved it. The time has flown by.<br />
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A visit with Grandma. Yes Michelle twisted my arm and got me to buy her an "Ugly Doll." Moxy is cute in her own way. Michelle brought her along for the trip. We were going to the mall. An outing at the mall can be dangerous for a recovering shopaholic but I try to limit my trips and to spend in moderation. It is hard when Michelle is with me not to get her everything she asks for but I'm able to restrain myself. My Mom is the Queen of Shopping. That is by far her favourite pastime (as her overstuffed home, packed to the gills with everything you can think of will attest!) I suppose that makes me a bit of an enabler. But it's hard not to give her the one thing she loves. I once asked Mom if she could go ANYWHERE in the world where would it be and she chose A MALL! In this God-forsaken world if you find something that makes you happy, go for it. LOL So off we went...<br />
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I scream, you scream...<br />
Our favourite ritual is getting an ice cream at the mall while we're waiting for Grandma. They always put a chocolate on top because why not? This time Michelle even got a fancy waffle cone covered in sprinkles. I try to limit my calories but you have to splurge now and then. We had fun shopping. Of course I couldn't resist getting a few cute things for Michelle. She's easy to spoil because she gets so excited and she's so appreciative of everything. I love sharing adventures with her. With her infectious enthusiasm she makes everything fun. Sometimes I feel like she is Tigger and I'm Eeyore or she's SpongeBob and I'm Squidward. She's bouncing off the walls, happy, energetic, full of life and I'm kind of dragging myself along behind her, somewhat cynical. She does help me to get in touch with my inner child and find my inner joy now and then however. It's hard not to smile when you're eating an ice cream cone!<br />
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Michelle couldn't wait to go to the zoo. As soon as it was open (we drove by in April and it was closed) and weather permitted we where THERE. It was a perfect Spring day -- bright and sunny, warm but not too hot. Michelle LOVES animals. I think she'd take them all home if she could. She loved feeding the goats. She kept picking grass and feeding it to them. It was a challenge to capture them because they didn't stay still for long but I managed to get this shot of Michelle feeding grass to a baby goat. SO CUTE! Michelle was dressed for the zoo with her tiger dress, cat ears and matching sunglasses.<br />
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Monkey see, monkey do! These tiny monkeys were beyond adorable. At one point Michelle was smiling at the little monkey and he was staring back at her and it was so cute it almost hurt! It was tough to get a shot because without a flash it was a bit dark and with a flash it just bounced off the glass and you couldn't see the monkey then finally I got lucky with this one. You can see the monkey and Michelle checking each other out. She really has a way with animals. As a baby, monkeys were her fave. She had a pink monkey stuffie that she had to have at all times. There was one night she was staying overnight at Grandma's and I had forgotten it. I was beside myself. Somehow she got through the night. I barely did, fretting at work. I already had Mom guilt over leaving her and then I had to leave her without monkey.<br />
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Hey hey we're the Monkeys! A kind stranger offered to take our photo and thank goodness because you can not pass by a cheesy cut-out photo op. I should have been sticking my head through the hole better but I was having a hard time crouching that low. Michelle refused to take the lower spot even though she's much shorter than me (logic be damned!) It would have been nice if Michelle could at least crack a smile but she was just annoyed that we were taking this photo instead of her playing at the playground nearby. (She did get to play afterward.) Sometimes she does get exasperated with me taking so many photos but she knows it's part of the deal. If she wants to go on a fun adventure then she knows that my snapping away like the paparazzi is part of it. I can't enjoy myself UNLESS I take pictures of everything. To have an experience with no photographic evidence?! What's the point of that? It's as though it never happened! LOL Also, life is SO FLEETING. If I can't capture the moment and freeze it in time forever then it's just GONE. I've lost it. I've lost too many things. I need to hold on to the ones I can.<br />
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I think this was a Komodo Dragon. Or a blue tongued skink or something? It's been a while now. I can't remember. Michelle always enjoys the Creature Show at the zoo. She's always right up there wanting to pet them as soon as the zoo staff brings them around to feel their fur, scales, whatever the case may be. Michelle isn't afraid of anything. She has even petted BIG SCARY INSECTS at the Butterfly Conservatory, while I stand a safe distance away just taking pictures of the experience. She loves all creatures, big and small. She loves animals and wants to save animals. She's done a few missions for the Earth Rangers. She wants to save the world. Sadly the world does need saving. Climate change is affecting many creatures and human interference has resulted in the disappearance of many species. We need the animals, whether we realize it or not. The loss of biodiversity is a tragedy. It's that butterfly effect. You might not think that the extinction of one species of insect affects you but it creates a chain reaction in the ecosystem with far reaching effects. Insects, plants, animals, people. We are in this together and we need each other. You can't upset the balance of Nature. But we have. And we're suffering the consequences.<br />
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Michelle and a tiger, with the dress to match! It's just too perfect. Though she fights me on taking so many pictures at times, other times Michelle is quite happy to pose like the Diva she is! Here I think she realizes how fabulous she is in her cat headband and shades and a huge tiger's face staring out from her dress (a dress that I got for a few bucks at Once Upon a Child by the way! I love second hand stores now for Michelle and for myself because you can find things that are good as new and so unique. Pieces that you wouldn't find anywhere else. It's like a treasure hunt. I've been amazed at some of the finds. Rather than just not shopping at all -- because let's face it, I'm my mother's daughter and shopping is in my blood!) I shop smarter, getting better bargains and I shop far less often. An occasional treat rather than a weekly (or daily!) habit. Michelle loves clothes almost as much as I do and she's always happy with the items I choose for her. When she's a teen she probably won't let me pick her clothes but I'll enjoy dressing her while I still can!<br />
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The tiger was so gorgeous! What a beautiful animal. I almost wish I could have one! I was thrilled we got to see him so close. Usually the cats are sleeping when we go. Jungle cats, like regular cats, seem to sleep most of the day. Or most of the time they were too far away to see. This one was RIGHT THERE! There were signs nearby warning not to get too close because they can spray up to 6 feet(!) We took the chance for a photo op. "Mama, I think he's sniffing us!" Michelle said. You could see him breathing. He was probably thinking we'd be a nice lunch. He was beautiful but I was quite glad that he was on the other side of a cage. I couldn't resist a selfie with the tiger and Michelle in her tiger dress.<br />
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Leave it to Michelle to make a friend everywhere we go! She was having a ball feeding the deer. She would pick some long grass and stick it through the fence for the adoring herd. Then another little girl wanted to join her. At least it gave me a break to sit down because there was a picnic table nearby. I could relax for a moment and watch Michelle. It wasn't entirely relaxing. We'd had so much rain that the grass was a bit of a swamp in parts and Michelle's shoes got stuck in the mud at one point. I couldn't get the mud out even at home. Still, Michelle had a wonderful time so it was worth it. She would have stayed there all day with the deer if I'd let her. She didn't want to go, even after her new friend left. People came and went and Michelle stayed to feed her deer.<br />
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Talking turkey!<br />
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Then we met a VERY friendly, sweet little female turkey. I apologized to her for Thanksgiving. Michelle wanted to pet her. I told her it wasn't a good idea, that this was strange behaviour for a turkey and that she might be sick or something but then one of the zoo staff informed us that this was just their "pet cat turkey." She was so docile she would just sit there and relax and let anyone come up to her. She wasn't sick. She was just chill. She wasn't afraid of people at all. No fight or flight (well turkeys don't fly but they could run!) She felt safe and calm. I wished I felt like that most of the time. It was adorable. Michelle was thrilled. She stroked the bird's soft feathers. "Mama she's SO FRIENDLY! And SHE'S NOT EVEN SICK!" There was something so sweet and poignant about it. Michelle loved her. She never wanted to leave her. It melted my heart too. I almost felt like I'd never eat turkey again. Definitely not this one! What a sweetheart!<br />
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It is always a miracle to me to see the daffodils and tulips bloom again in the Spring. To think that you just plant this onion ball looking thing and it becomes a flower that returns every year. Gardening is like having faith. You don't really know if it will grow but you plant, you nurture, you try and you hope for the best. Some people say they just don't have a green thumb, they can't get anything to grow. It just takes a little effort, a little love. Sometimes it is disappointing. Sometimes it feels like you do all the right things and something still goes wrong. There are always things beyond your control -- the weather etc. But you do your best, like with everything. I love flowers. I need them. After the darkness and bleakness of Winter they really are a symbol of hope, for brighter days, for Spring. I need beauty in my life, as much as I need food, water, shelter. Without it I start to die inside. I was in such a dark ugly place for so long it nearly destroyed me.<br />
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Michelle and her furry sister. And a stuffed seahorse. Michelle and Ali don't always get along. It's tough to get Ali to do anything you want her to. Sometimes Michelle wants Ali to sit with her and watch TV. She wants me to pick her up and put her on Michelle's lap. But then Ali will just jump down again. "You can't MAKE her do things." I explain to Michelle. She has to want to. And sometimes if you let her be, she will jump up and sit next to you and purr. Michelle is sometimes a little jealous that Ali is closer/more loyal to me than Michelle. But I'm her Mama. (Not her master. Cats don't have masters!) Michelle is her little sister. Ali and me were together long before Michelle came along and we have been through Hell and back together. Ali has lived through the trauma of sharing her space with myriad other animals (who at least didn't stick around for too long -- especially the pitbull and two cats that someone brought with him.)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SKSKJ0eRzUQ/XTPys8gYVoI/AAAAAAAAWlE/8A_hR2_SElo39R2bJ7u0b6dedL9Ty-gHQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4660.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SKSKJ0eRzUQ/XTPys8gYVoI/AAAAAAAAWlE/8A_hR2_SElo39R2bJ7u0b6dedL9Ty-gHQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4660.JPG" width="320" /></a>May is more than my sister. She is my best friend. She is the one person I can always count on, to listen when I need a friendly ear, to make me laugh no matter what. She has been there with me through the toughest times. She was with me in the delivery room, she took me for my surgery. Of course I always want to be there for her too. She was going through some health issues and needed to go to the hospital for tests. I was happy to take her. It went better than expected and we were even laughing as she filled in the paperwork. No one gets me like May. We have always shared this strange sense of humour, inside jokes that get us through even the darkest circumstances. When we got back Shane invited us to come with him for brunch. It was nice to spend time with them. It's rare that I see them without the kids (they were in school.) I still got back in time for Michelle.<br />
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What the duck?!<br />
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In all my years (and it's a lot of them! I can't believe how old I am now!) I have NEVER seen ducks walking down a suburban street that is NOWHERE near a body of water but then there was this. We've had so much rain that now even the grass can be a swamp. It was cute and yet a little disturbing to see these feathered friends waddling down the street. It's yet another sign of climate change. Animals and birds acting out of character. Everything is out of whack. Naturally I had to get out of the car and take a photo, or two. Or three.<br />
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"Quack!"<br />
They were so cute, this misplaced duck couple, looking for a place to eat/stay. Maybe it was a Duck Air B&B?<br />
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Sitting in on ballet class!<br />
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Normally I have to watch from outside a window to watch Michelle's ballet class but it was the end of the season and the teacher let us sit in for a change. I am always thrilled for a photo op. Michelle was smiling to have me right in there with her. I wished I could always be there with her and feel like I was taking ballet too.<br />
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It warms my heart to see my little ballerina, to watch her live out my childhood dream by taking dance classes. I want to give her everything I never had. It's not always easy. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to do it, financially, logistically or otherwise. I do whatever I can for her because I want the best for her and I'm willing to make sacrifices to make her happy.<br />
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Michelle is my very happy girl. She's always smiling, laughing, full of life and energy.<br />
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Here she is laughing her head off. Unfortunately sometimes when she knows I am her captive audience she will deliberately act silly. Especially when she knows I'm trying to take a photo. "Please Michelle smile for the picture." And she'll make a ridiculous face. Or turn away and laugh. Maybe it's better that I don't sit in on all of her classes or she'd be acting goofy all the time.<br />
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Someone told me that your child will always save their worst behaviour/defiance for you. They will be good for teachers and other authority figures but they will act up with Mom because they are testing boundaries and they know that you'll love them no matter what.<br />
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I will love her no matter what. Even though sometimes she drives me crazy. She refused to smile for the photo here.<br />
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I almost always make her pose for a selfie at the end of ballet class. I still couldn't believe the season was almost over. It was going by so fast. Soon it would be time for her concert. Soon she would be finished school. My little girl was completing GRADE ONE! She'd be going to Grade Two in September. It's all happening too fast. I can't seem to take enough photos to slow time down.<br />
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Spring flowers! Michelle helped me with a little gardening. The perennial bulbs came back but I always put annuals in the pots. Something cheap and cheerful. Some spikes in the back and a few flowers at the front of the pot.<br />
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Michelle helped me pick out some pretty pink and purple flowers. Pink is our fave. Michelle likes digging in the dirt to plant flowers. I let her help. She did pretty well. She always enjoys helping me with chores around the house. As a control freak it's hard for me to let go but I know she enjoys it, so I try.<br />
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We found these starry night petunias that sort of look like a night sky littered with stars. We planted it in a pot in the backyard. I wish I had the budget for some large trees and a big garden in the backyard. At this point I'm just settling for a few little flowers in pots and the small garden at the front of the house. I did have a large garden before in a previous home but it was a lot of maintenance. Not that a lawn isn't high maintenance as well. My battle with the dandelions seemed to be endless. Some days I was outside for hours pulling weeds. Still, there was satisfaction in it. There are unpleasant things that I can't do anything about. It's nice to know that there are at least SOME unpleasant things that I can control and eliminate from my life. I love the popping sound they make when you get them by the root. I loathe dandelions. I can't even explain the depth of my hatred for them. To me, they just represent all that is evil. And I have a need to eradicate it. No evil on my watch!<br />
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Our modest little pots. Nothing fancy. Just some pink flowers for colour and some spikes for texture. I decided to add a bit of stonecrop from the garden too. These sea-weedy looking things grow really well. They make a nice accent on the sides. You just pluck them out of one spot and stick them in another and they grow. I wish that all plants and flowers grew so easily. The only thing that seems to grow FAR too easily are weeds. It doesn't seem fair. The beautiful flowers and plants that you WANT to grow are so fragile and need so much care and nurturing to thrive. The weeds, which you don't want at all, just spring up uninvited and are hard to get rid of. It's like life. The beautiful things are just more fragile so you appreciate them more. The ugly things are a nuisance so you just try not to focus on them. Get rid of them if you can. Live with them if you must. Don't let them destroy the good things in your life/garden...<br />
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And just like that, it was Mother's Day! Michelle gave me a special magnet she made at school with a photo that her teacher took. It was sweet. She also had cards and letters for me.<br />
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I got us matching black floral dresses, as you can see. I love dressing Michelle and myself in matching outfits. I know that when she's older she would probably be mortified to dress like Mama so I'm going to enjoy this sweet phase for as long as it lasts. Right now she's thrilled when we have matching dresses. She LOVED them.<br />
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Mother's Day has so much meaning for me now. Being a Mom has truly changed my life. I don't think I was really living before. I used to be a hopeless romantic and kept looking for that great love of my life only to be disappointed and heartbroken time and again. Of course it didn't help that I seemed to have a radar for the WORST guys around and then I'd proceed to fall in love with them/try to change or fix them. Now that I have Michelle romance doesn't seem that important. She is the love of my life and that is more than enough. I don't feel like I need a man in my life. Which is good because there aren't any around and it would be hard for me to trust one enough to let him into our lives. Michelle was the best and most unexpected gift of my life. I'm so grateful for her.<br />
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I never tire of hearing Michelle say how much she loves me and that I'm the "best Mama in the world!"<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WGE-y1QTIZ8/XTP0LLMSJOI/AAAAAAAAWnI/0VEEA-EpvQ8YnXgvzatO01wUeX2ZNvQdwCLcBGAs/s1600/Image-10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="803" data-original-width="612" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WGE-y1QTIZ8/XTP0LLMSJOI/AAAAAAAAWnI/0VEEA-EpvQ8YnXgvzatO01wUeX2ZNvQdwCLcBGAs/s320/Image-10.jpg" width="243" /></a>We went to May's for Mother's Day. I was relieved that C wasn't coming. He'd gone to my Mom's place the day before just to drop by. My baby brother Mike was in town and stopped by as well. C didn't even bother to give my Mom a gift. He said he was going to give her top soil but I'd already given her several bags so he didn't bother. (She asked me to pick up top soil for her so I did and I didn't let her pay me back. But that wasn't her Mother's Day gift, just an extra.) Who gives their Mom DIRT for Mother's Day anyway?! A dirt bag I guess or dirt squirrel like he called me! Then he doesn't even give her anything? Not even flowers? On top of that apparently he was SCREAMING at my Mom because she seemed to be taking my side about the whole garage debacle (and how could she not? He stole my stuff and tried to sell it. He was in the wrong and can't admit it.) Then Mom enraged him even further by asking if X was OK because she looked "even more sickly than usual" when Mom last saw her. So C screamed at her at the top of his lungs. In the backyard. The day before Mother's Day. Mike had to tell him to back off and stop yelling at Mom and in front of the kids. At least Mike got to see what a tool C is. I just wanted nothing to do with him. We were happy to be at May's. Shannon took some fun snaps with her i-phone. The Mother's Day filter had some pink confetti though that could wind up a blob on your face!<br />
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This filter will HAUNT MY DREAMS. It's me, as a man, apparently. It's one of the filters on Shannon's fancy snapchat thing. The most disturbing thing is that the guy (well, me really, as a guy) looks familiar but I can't quite place him! Is it my brother? (God forbid !) Is it Colin Firth? I don't know. If you think of it please let me know! It's fascinating and horrifying all at once. As a Single Mom I have to be both mother and father. So I guess this is the father side of me! LOL<br />
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Michelle as a guy was very creepy too! (As you can see below.) She looked familiar as well. I am really glad Michelle is a girl and not a boy. Not that I have anything against boys (actually I have a LOT of things against boys, especially the broken boys I used to date! LOL) but I wouldn't have known how to relate to a boy as well and I wouldn't have been able to share so many fun girly things with him.<br />
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Now that's more like it! These feminine filters are much prettier! Michelle looks like a little doll! So cute.<br />
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I love this photo. Of course it's a little scary though because when I see Michelle with makeup I can start to picture her as a teenager. It already feels like she's growing up too fast so I really don't need to see that!<br />
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Michelle says that she will still be my sweet girl, even when she's a teen. I said I'll try to hold her to that, of course you don't know how you're going to be years from now. People change. And adolescence, with the hormones raging and everything, can drive anyone crazy. I hope she doesn't give me too hard of a time. "I'll be like Shannon," Michelle says to reassure me. I hope so. My niece Shannon is such a sweet girl. She's a good role model for Michelle. And they are a lot alike. They are both very close to their Mamas. They both love art and cats. They're both sweet girls.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X5UFuHqZeFU/XTP0LSqmSLI/AAAAAAAAWnU/9aMjIICloUs0brYAYEoTNrihEl4u15RBgCLcBGAs/s1600/Image-12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="926" data-original-width="635" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X5UFuHqZeFU/XTP0LSqmSLI/AAAAAAAAWnU/9aMjIICloUs0brYAYEoTNrihEl4u15RBgCLcBGAs/s320/Image-12.jpg" width="217" /></a>Mom wound up with a big piece of pink confetti on her face like a clown nose! It was still cute though. She said she was disappointed that her day with her sons was a bit of a fiasco (because C is an a-hole and just basically ruins everything he can) but she was glad to now have a nice day with her daughters. I am so glad that I had a daughter rather than a son. Daughters just seem so much more devoted to family, so much more sensitive, sweet, thoughtful, caring, nurturing. Nothing against boys but they are just generally...less caring I guess? (No offence to the caring guys out there but even you must know you're the exception to the rule.)<br />
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One day Michelle said to me "Mama. Girls are better than boys." I suppose I should have corrected her and said they are just different. Each has strengths and weaknesses. But who am I kidding? Yes. Girls are WAY better than boys. In pretty much every way that matters. Girls rule!<br />
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We had a lovely visit until after dinner when things took a strange turn.<br />
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My brother in law Shane had been driving back from the U.S. and just got back. Maybe it was because he'd had a long drive, hadn't had much sleep. Maybe it was because he was drinking too much. I don't know what but he suddenly picked a fight with me for no reason. It got ugly.<br />
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Ironically he had just finished talking about how his niece once broke a glass bowl over his head during a fight. He'd had fights with his sister and niece that even turned violent. At least I'd never had that. My brothers and me only ever yelled at each other. We never sent each other to the hospital!<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FRCdBaQaLGY/XTP0KDKiEFI/AAAAAAAAWm8/N03b97sgWq0ICDNqDDpjghVwifa0NqczACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4801.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1101" data-original-width="1600" height="220" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FRCdBaQaLGY/XTP0KDKiEFI/AAAAAAAAWm8/N03b97sgWq0ICDNqDDpjghVwifa0NqczACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4801.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ohi8t_dlv28/XTP0K7_i0QI/AAAAAAAAWnE/ucrWQZphyVglSmkuBo3xMGSkT6YJwrwnwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4802.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1248" data-original-width="1600" height="249" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ohi8t_dlv28/XTP0K7_i0QI/AAAAAAAAWnE/ucrWQZphyVglSmkuBo3xMGSkT6YJwrwnwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4802.JPG" width="320" /></a>The point Shane was making, I guess, was that no matter what, he never held a grudge. People could have disagreements but you still forgave each other right afterward and it was just water under the bridge. I said "Not me. I can hold a grudge forever." Then he started lecturing me. Saying that I shouldn't stay mad at my brother, C (how I refer to him since my last angry blog post about him.) Shane started talking as though he was on C's side (which was stupid because he had always been on MY side and agreed with me about their non-wedding, thought that C and X -- his worse half -- were selfish, shallow, insincere a-holes. He had even called X a selfish bitch right to her face -- one of the reasons she wasn't so keen on visiting anymore. He had made fun of their non-wedding. He believed X had stolen the $200. I guess in retrospect most of his anger was toward X rather than C. Maybe he still liked my brother. In any event, I was in no mood to hear how great C was and why I should make up with him. I was livid.) I was getting angrier by the minute but Shane kept pushing me. He can be infuriating. He doesn't know when to stop. It's almost like he WANTS to stir the pot, to push you over the edge. No wonder people break bowls over his head! If one had been within reach I may have.<br />
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So while it had been mostly a nice Mother's Day, it ended on a horrible note. It was a shame that Shane had even come home from his trip that night. If only the drive had taken him an hour or two longer. He wasn't in the best frame of mind and he made me irate. My nerves were shot and I didn't need this. I could ignore his nonsense about Trump being great and Earth being flat but I was in no mood to hear someone argue my brother's case. So we were screaming at each other and everyone cleared out to leave. I started grabbing my stuff too. I hugged his Mom on the way out and said "Sorry but your son is an IDIOT." She couldn't argue. Poor May already had a headache before our outburst so she wasn't doing well. She apologized for Shane. I apologized for myself. I told May she's got the patience of a saint living with Shane all these years and not killing him! Ironically it wasn't that long ago that Shane invited me for brunch. Shane could be very kind and generous. He could also be ignorant, ludicrous and deliberately annoying. Now we were screaming and hurling insults like mortal enemies. It was obvious I wouldn't be celebrating my birthday at May's place as planned. Now I wouldn't even feel comfortable going there. More family drama. Great. Just what I needed. Apparently Mom told C about Shane arguing on his behalf and he said he'd have to thank "his buddy Shane." Oh brother. Literally. Barf.<br />
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Bad enough bridges had been burned with my brother C but now my brother in law?! May is my best friend. She was the one I was the closest to and now I couldn't even go to her place because I didn't want to see Shane. Why did he have to do this? On Mother's Day of all things! And right before my birthday party. Ironically last Mother's Day he was saying what an idiot C was for giving #unvitations to his non-wedding (announcing their local elopement before it happened, total slap in the face. Like telling people you're having a party but they're not invited. I coined the term unvitation. The proper way to elope is to just do it without telling people but C and X seemed not to know this, nor care.) and breaking Mom's heart and this Mother's Day he's singing C's praises and saying I should make up with him?! WHY THOUGH?! My Mom tried to defend him. "I think his heart was in the right place. He just wanted you to make peace with your brother. He was trying to say you shouldn't hold grudges." How very Christian of him. But it wasn't exactly the Sermon on the Mount. "Well you don't get someone to make peace by starting a WAR! You don't make someone feel warm and fuzzy about reconciliation by deliberately ANTAGONIZING them!" It was idiotic. But Shane will argue with your until you're blue in the face and you will never convince him that the Earth is round, that Trump is evil, that we landed on the moon (he has an endless supply of ridiculous conspiracy theories.) He once argued with May that Egypt was not in Africa until she showed him on a globe. It's just best not to argue. He's a great cook. You can just sit there and enjoy his delicious gourmet meals and nod and smile while he blathers on about his stupid nonsense. Until he hits a nerve and just keeps striking. Sometimes you can't nod and smile. Sometimes you have to fight back. Fight or flight.<br />
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Meanwhile, X (how I refer to my odious fake sister in law, as of my previous blog post) left a NASTY message on my Mom's answering machine one day. (Or I should say ANOTHER nasty message because she has done it before. She is just off the charts rude, clueless, classless and possesses ZERO self-awareness.) Mom played it for me. It's shocking how ignorant X is. She literally has NO IDEA. She really is in her own little world. She was going on about how "something has to be done about" me. How I should be apologizing to her but that I likely wouldn't because I'm too "immature." She had apparently just read the text argument C and me had A MONTH AGO and was hurt by my calling her "his anorexic almost wife."<br />
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First of all, admittedly I shouldn't make fun of someone's eating disorder. That is pretty low. So I actually do apologize for that. Then again I had people call me anorexic in university but because I wasn't I just took it as a compliment and proceeded to eat a Big Mac right in front of them and gloat. Because that's just how I roll! When I was younger I had a fast metabolism so I could eat almost whatever I wanted and still be 100 lbs. My gorgeous niece Shannon is the same. She is beautifully slender despite the fact that she can eat 2 bowls of spaghetti and 3 pieces of cake in a sitting! Unfortunately that luxury grinds to a halt in your mid-20s. Your metabolism continues to slow down in your 30s and by your 40s, forget about it. It's like every calorie you consume just STAYS with you (in my case mostly on my belly and thighs) and it's an uphill battle to even maintain, never mind lose weight. X stupidly tried to compare herself to Shannon. Oh HELL no. It is one thing to be effortlessly young and slim but when you're pushing 40 and we can see your bones, honey you are starving yourself and you're not fooling anyone (except maybe yourself.) We see it all the time -- celebrities, models and actresses get carried away with dieting and just look sickly. I think that a wide range of body types are beautiful, from ultra-slim to Rubenesque, but there comes a point when certain extremes are just plain UNHEALTHY and putting a strain on your organs. Then you know you've gone too far. The focus should be health is all I'm saying.<br />
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There's a vast difference between being SLIM and being SKELETAL. X is like the Grim Reaper. The fact that she was trying to kill my Mom off doesn't help matters either. As I mentioned in the last post, X is a dead ringer for Beldam (the Other Mother) in the movie Coraline. Like she could play the part in a live action version and not even need any makeup. It's uncanny. Even the hairstyle. Anyway, the fact that X was hurt by my anorexic insult, pretty much proves that it's true. Because otherwise you'd be taking it as a compliment because you won the genetic lottery and can eat whatever you like? But I don't think that's the case. She just DOESN'T eat. Anyway honey bun, if you read this one day let me say out of genuine concern for your well-being, with all the apologies and maturity I can muster "I'm sorry you're anorexic. Please go and get yourself some therapy. And for the love of God GO EAT SOMETHING instead of having my bro clean your plate at every meal like a mangy dog begging for scraps! Maybe you can lengthen his leash too." I have NEVER seen X do anything more than pick at her dinner like a bird (which C then finishes for her like a human garbage disposal.) And she keeps C on a VERY short leash. With a shock collar I think.<br />
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Anyway, yeah calling X anoreXic was definitely a mean thing for me to say but in fairness I didn't say it TO her! I merely said it ABOUT her in an angry text argument back and forth to my brother (and let's remember some of the gems he had for me -- called me a dirt squirrel, the C word etc. Who calls their sister the C word for crying out loud?! A classless, ignorant piece of trash, that's who!) Anyway if C was STUPID enough to show X the text, knowing it would hurt her, then that's on HIM, not me. So HE should apologize for hurting her feelings. And if she was NOSY enough (and being as controlling as she is, and given the fact that she's seeing this a MONTH after the fact my money is on this one) to snoop through C's cell if he left it lying around one day, then that's on HER and she can apologize to herself. She can go fuck herself too. If you snoop on someone's cellphone you deserve what you find. When my Mom told me that X actually expected an apology from ME, I went ballistic. "IS SHE OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND?! THEY STOLE MY STUFF AND TRIED TO SELL IT! And she wants ME to apologize for calling HER names?! She's a thief, a vulture and worse! I was defending myself! THEY should be apologizing to ME! THEY were in the wrong! Even before they stole all our stuff from your garage! She's trying to kill you off, steal your wedding ring, your house out from under you, God knows what, takes Michelle's baby stuff and trashes it without my permission and she has the AUDACITY to expect an apology from ME?! IS SHE KIDDING?! HOW CLUELESS CAN SHE BE?!"<br />
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Sometimes I think my Mom actually WANTS to stir the pot. That she somehow enjoys creating drama. Otherwise why play me messages that will push me over the edge? Why add fuel to the fire? Meanwhile I had been working on writing a blog post about the feud between C/X and myself. I was debating whether to actually publish it (my Mom begged me not to), whether to edit out the bad parts (the whole section on C and X. Because it was a little too raw, revealing and dark.) But after hearing that idiotic message from X I thought, "OK bitch. Here you go! Here is why I am NOT apologizing and why YOU SHOULD BE saying sorry to ME."<br />
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That decided it for me. Action. Reaction. Don't push a reactionary and then act surprised when they react. Just DON'T. If it weren't for C and X's unscrupulous, vulturous ACTIONS I wouldn't have had my angry REACTIONS. And still at the end of the day my only weapons were words in a text and in a blog. What can words do? They say the pen is mightier than the sword but I wouldn't want to try fencing with a ball point. My Mom warned C about the blog and he said he didn't give a damn because he wouldn't read it anyway. I could write whatever I liked. So between X pushing me and my brother giving me permission to put it out there, I went ahead and published the whole damn thing. I guess there's little danger of either of them actually reading it. X is no doubt too busy starving herself and hatching her latest evil plots and my bro can't read more than two consecutive sentences at a time so they'll never see what I said about them anyway. At least I felt some relief getting it all out. It's frustrating when you have (or someone you love has) been wronged and the person that wronged you (or her) feels ZERO guilt or accountability. It's ANNOYING AF. Frankly I don't need any more unresolved anger taking up residence in an already crowded mind. At some point you have to get it out and let it go. So enough about C & X. They don't belong in my life, my mind or my blog. I see them for what they are and I'm DONE with them. FIN!<br />
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Admittedly I did start to feel a small degree of pity for my prodigal brother when my Mom told me that they are actually struggling financially. He came over for dinner one night and kind of spilled the beans to Mom. Hmmm. So HE is the dirt poor, dirt squirrel after all. My therapist had already guessed as much. C can't come to terms with his own pride and shame so it's easier to deflect it all on me. Why did they pretend they were doing well if they were struggling? So stupid. Why do people pretend to be something they're not? Pride. If he could have just admitted that he was having a hard time I would have felt sorry for him and maybe wouldn't have been so angry about him stealing from me but my brother is so proud he has to mask everything in this fake bravado and act like he's doing so well. It's annoying. Anyway, needless to say, C would not be coming to my birthday party. Now I couldn't even face Shane either after our fight. It seemed I just couldn't get along with men period. Good thing there weren't any around! Other than a few random online stalkers/would be paramours which I just either ignored/laughed off/or blocked from my Twitter etc. I really don't know what they hope to gain. Man, are you barking up the wrong tree! I have neither the time nor the patience for stupid BS. I've got enough on my plate, thanks. I give up on men. I just can't get along with them AT ALL! "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" a wise woman once said.<br />
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Flower power! I got a few more flowers to add some colour to the yard. I even found one (actually Michelle found it) that looked like a starry night. Ali loves going outside and I let her enjoy a little sunshine one afternoon. Cats, sunshine, flowers. I needed to focus on the good things, my happy place to help me forget about the ugly, messy, broken, disordered things in my life. The things I couldn't do anything about and that stressed me out to no end. I don't know if you've ever heard a cat purring in the sunshine while you pet her warm fur but I highly recommend it. It's right up there with listening to the waves on the beach. Or hearing your little girl laugh. You need these happy place moments to keep you going sometimes. Because some moments just aren't happy AT ALL.<br />
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My little unicorn. She even dressed her stuffed kitty in a dress and insisted that Kitty wear her seatbelt. Adorable. Yes Michelle is my walking happy place rainbow unicorn. She makes it much easier to focus on the beauty and magic of life. I wish she could paint the whole world with her joy, love and enthusiasm. I hope she never loses her childlike sense of wonder. I lost mine a long time ago. I try to get it back now and then and having Michelle around definitely helps me get in touch with my inner child. Too often adults get wrapped up in grown up cares and concerns and they forget how to be whimsical, to have fun, to look for the beauty and the magic, even in the ordinary. It's hard to focus on beauty when you're stressed about things like money and career and failing relationships and the world falling apart all around you.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zja-HUcPpdo/XUI1aVJvHlI/AAAAAAAAWpA/-wwMtDTvroYYS-ByOr4jXb8N7n4f9KW3QCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4833.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zja-HUcPpdo/XUI1aVJvHlI/AAAAAAAAWpA/-wwMtDTvroYYS-ByOr4jXb8N7n4f9KW3QCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4833.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ATJPIjLu3AE/XUI1ZoHCpbI/AAAAAAAAWo8/KAB4R0vtz90d78kSfqEziBDc_vyTUYY1gCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4829.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ATJPIjLu3AE/XUI1ZoHCpbI/AAAAAAAAWo8/KAB4R0vtz90d78kSfqEziBDc_vyTUYY1gCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4829.JPG" width="320" /></a>"Control what you can" was sort of becoming my mantra. I declared war on the weeds. Some unwanted things in your life you can't really eliminate. But dandelions in your yard you CAN actually do something about. And I did. It was just a LOT of work. I broke my back pulling HUNDREDS of weeds. It was annoying but it was also strangely satisfying. I love when they make a little squeak and pop right out, root and all. Some of them are really stubborn though. I hate them. I loathe weeds.They are bullies. They are the death of all that is good. For every single one I pulled I thought that is one less toxic, ugly, unnecessary thing out of my life and my perfect green lawn. It was discouraging though after all my back-breaking work, to see new ones pop up each day but I got some Weed Out and I shot them. It was awesome. "Take THAT fuckers!" One little spray and they would turn black and wither and be gone. Beautiful. If only all toxic things could be eliminated with a spritz. 'Be GONE!" Eventually I was on top of it. No more weeds. No more new ones. It took a lot of work but I did it. I really hate yard work but it's part of owning a house. First World Problems. I love seeing the expanse of green lawn. Being able to control some things around the house was gratifying at least. There were still so many things beyond my control. I really wasn't a fan of those. I was trying not to let things get to me so much. I wish I was one of those people who was so laid back that they didn't worry about a thing. My therapist reminds me it's because I'm type A. No matter what it is I feel like I have to do it perfectly. And sometimes there is no "perfect." In therapy especially. It's an ongoing process.<br />
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Michelle was invited to a friend's party. It gave me a couple of hours to get things done anyway. I am glad that my happy, friendly girl makes friends so easily. She is a little social butterfly. I remain a mostly anti-social moth. Most of the time I prefer to keep to myself. Though I am grateful to have met a cool couple of Moms that it's nice to hang out with now and then.<br />
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The only problem with dropping Michelle off for a play date or party is that she never wants to leave! It's so hard to get her to leave. She keeps saying "One more minute." Even when the parents are all picking up their kids and the hosts are handing out loot bags and probably anxious to be rid of the kids who have been running amok for two hours. Michelle's birthday party was coming up and I was sort of dreading it.<br />
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One of Michelle's friends on the street was driving a little dune buggy thing. Did she want to play? Of course she did. I was out mowing the lawn and was hoping Michelle would just draw with chalk on the porch or something but she wanted to go ride her bike and play with her friends. Even though I could see her from where I was it made me nervous. Still, I relented. I can't keep the poor kid from having fun with her friends. Next thing I knew she was DRIVING the dune buggy thing. And she was a bit of a reckless driver! She did pretty well considering she had ZERO experience but she was making me a nervous wreck.<br />
"Please stop driving that thing! You're going to give me a heart attack!"<br />
I finished mowing the lawn at the front and was going to be going around to the backyard. I wanted Michelle to come with me. She wanted to keep playing. Against my better judgment I said OK. I checked with her friends' parents. They are nice. I knew that she'd be supervised. I still worried. As I was mowing the back lawn I felt antsy. Suddenly, even above the sound of the lawn mower I heard a child crying. I ran to the front of the house. Michelle was sitting on the step. She'd tried to use her friend's scooter and skinned her knee. "How did you know Mama?"<br />
"Instinct I guess. I heard you crying."<br />
"But I didn't even cry!" "I just sensed it." I just KNEW.<br />
It was kind of spooky but that's how connected I feel to Michelle. I sensed she was hurt. I carried her back home and she rested on the couch while I finished the lawn. It's always hard to leave Michelle and I worry and this was not helping. I know that realistically I can't protect her every moment. I know that she can get hurt sometimes, even when I'm there. I don't have superhuman powers. I can't protect her from everything and even if I could it wouldn't be right. Part of life and being a kid and growing up is exploring, trying and failing and falling down and getting hurt but getting back up and being OK. Even though logically I know that it is still VERY hard for me as a parent to let go. She means more to me than my own life and I NEVER want to see her get hurt. It's tough as a Mom with PTSD because you are even MORE protective, MORE vigilant. It's overwhelming. My maternal instinct is turned up to full blast. A Mama leopard has nothing on me! It is my instinct to protect her ABOVE ALL ELSE. No matter what. She comes first.<br />
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I have done everything in my power to give Michelle the best life I could. I want the best for her. I love her so much. At least she appreciates my love and work and sacrifice. When she says she loves me and makes me sweet cards and letters telling me I'm the "Best Mama in the world" it melts my heart and I know that all of my work has been worth it. Everything is for her. She is Priority One. No one and nothing else is even a close second. Not even me, although I am trying to prioritize some self-care if only because it's therapists' orders. As they keep reminding me, if Mama's not OK then Mama can't take care of anyone else either. A lack of self-care was one of the precipitating factors in my breakdown. You can only run on empty so long.<br />
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It was my birthday. I can't even believe how old I am. I'm really REALLY old! Or at least I'm at an age that I used to think of as old but your perspective changes. Thirty sounds so old until you're thirty. Thirty was a pretty good age actually. I far preferred it to my twenties. Then forty sounds SUPER OLD but you get there and realize you don't feel too much different from your 30s. It's just THAT much harder to maintain your weight. As you close in on HALF A CENTURY you think, JESUS! Am I really this old? But you don't feel a whole lot different. Health issues come up. Sometimes you feel old. Some days random things just ache for no reason. Sometimes you throw your back out just bending over to get something. But you look at people like JLo and think, "Hey! She's FIFTY and she's still got it!" Then again, I'm no JLo. Still, I'm happy to say that no one EVER guesses my age (usually they think I'm 10-20 years younger!) and they're usually completely shocked when I tell them. So that's nice. One day we were out and I met a girl celebrating her birthday. I told her I was literally DOUBLE her age. She absolutely couldn't believe it. She thought I was around her age. That made my day!<br />
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May was supposed to be hosting my party but now that Shane and I were at each other's throats on Mother's Day, it would have been WAY too uncomfortable. So we had my party at my Mom's instead. May was awesome. She still got special balloons and a sash and tiara to make me feel like a Princess. It was really sweet. It was nice to talk to everyone without the stress of worrying about C word (my brother) or now S word (Shane) starting anything. I was grateful for a lovely day with loved ones. I filled Dan and Julie in on all the drama with C and X because they didn't know. I was happy to hear them taking my side. "How could anyone NOT be on your side? Who DOESN'T think stealing is wrong?" Right? C and X, that's who. But they're still not apologizing. And X is delusional enough to think I should apologize to her. So, to Hell with them, I say! I'll focus on the good people in my family. There are still a lot of them!<br />
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One of my friends that I talked to every day at the park after school asked me to go running with her. RUNNING. "Seriously?!" "You can do it!" Sure. Easy for her to say, she's very slim, athletic. She's run marathons. I told her "I don't run unless someone or something is CHASING ME!" She laughed and then she said "I'll chase you!" And she did. I didn't want to do it. I didn't like it. OK I full on HATED IT. But somehow I thought what the heck, I'm old and I should try to be healthier and get back in shape so I went running with her. I had trouble breathing. My face was red. I probably looked ridiculous. I thought I was going to die. But somehow I managed to keep up with her. I got through our first run. And I actually agreed to go again! She kept pushing me. She'd make me go further. I thought we were stopping at the stop sign and then she'd say "Nope. Keep going!" She challenged me. She pushed me further than I thought I could go. And I sort of hated her for it but I loved her for it. She was making me stronger. I started to look forward to our morning runs. I even went on the mornings she couldn't make it. It became a habit. A good habit for a change. I realized that although you can't run from your problems, LITERALLY RUNNING was very therapeutic. It was a release of adrenaline. It gave a focus to that angry energy. It diminished my anxiety. It physically tired me out. It was good for me. I was so grateful to my friend for giving me the gift of motivation to exercise. I couldn't have done it on my own. I would have stopped. I would have said it's too hard. I'm too tired. But I had to keep up with her. She was a good coach. A good friend.<br />
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Something magical happened one day at the grocery store. I was talking to a girl about art and when I mentioned having a show at S.A. last year she remembered it. She'd actually BEEN THERE! "Were you the one by the window, with the Jesus, the ladies and the cats?!" "YES!" She said her Mom loved my watercolour pink cat and she'd love to surprise her with it for her birthday. She asked if she could buy it. I thought she was pulling my leg but I gave her my number and she actually followed through! I sold a little painting! It was awesome. I would never want to be an actual "starving artist" because I wouldn't want to starve but it is so rewarding to create something that someone appreciates and wants to have in their home. It was a very nice surprise. Life can be so full of unpleasant surprises, it's great to have a good one for a change.<br />
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Michelle and me were SUPER PSYCHED to see the live action version of Aladdin! I don't think I'd EVER been so excited for a movie to come out. It had some very big shoes to fill because the original animated version was incredible. Will Smith had his work cut out for him following Robin Williams as the genie. Williams was inimitable so Smith didn't even try to be like him, instead Will took the role and made it his own. A hip new rapper genie. It was brilliant. I loved it. The movie was so over the top gorgeous, action-packed, breathtaking, it FAR exceeded my expectations. I was blown away. I LOVE Disney and they never cease to amaze me.<br />
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One of my favourite aspects of the film was how they gave more power to Jasmine, to speak up for herself and to create her own destiny. They even added a new song "Speechless" where she explains how she won't be silent in the face of corruption (Jafar in power). Though the situation seems bleak, she speaks up and tries to appeal to the guards' better natures. (Spoiler alert: It works. They listen.) It was so moving and politically relevant. (Trump is like a real life Jafar, drunk on power and corrupt AF. #ImpeachTrump!) It was a beautiful, powerful movie moment. Like when Elsa sings "Let it go!" in Frozen. Some songs really get to you. Especially when they are sung by a woman finally recognizing her own inner power. I was in tears. I loved the song. I wanted to sing it.<br />
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When we got home I couldn't stop thinking about Jasmine's song "Speechless" so I looked up the lyrics online. I grabbed my guitar and worked out the chords and sang my own cover version of it. I put it on Youtube and it got hundreds of views. I have written hundreds of songs and most only ever get a handful of views. I guess this was different because it was a cover and I posted literally the FIRST acoustic cover version of the song because the movie had just come out. (There were some other covers of it but they were just vocals.) The song is so empowering for women and could be a feminist anthem. "I won't be silenced. You can't keep me quiet." It had special meaning for me as well because I was in the middle of writing a blog that everyone was telling me NOT to write. Mom told me to keep quiet. Not to speak my truth. Not to make waves. Too often when we see an injustice or suffer personally at the hands of a monster, we are told to keep it to ourselves, to let things go, don't make trouble. To stifle our emotions and keep our thoughts secret. But sometimes we have a right to be mad. Bad guys shouldn't get away with it. Sometimes it's not OK. Sometimes we need to speak up. And we can't be bullied into silence. We will speak our truth.<br />
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Ballet season was almost over. I couldn't believe it. It had flown by. I usually try to get some photos after the class empties out. I cherish these memories with Michelle. Ballet had been my dream when I was little and I never got to live it. I am happy to give that to Michelle at least. My passions, talents were never really encouraged and I suffered from so much self-doubt. I want to give Michelle all the love and support and encouragement I can so that she will go after her dreams and live life to the fullest. I don't want her to be afraid or to doubt herself or to hide her light. I want her to go out there and shine. And she does. She is a bright shining star.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pKY3ESCMGYE/XUI7BJXGvaI/AAAAAAAAWsE/LOmZBYPMhRcpIjmHUXtMVPdTlL3l9lorwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5048.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1171" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pKY3ESCMGYE/XUI7BJXGvaI/AAAAAAAAWsE/LOmZBYPMhRcpIjmHUXtMVPdTlL3l9lorwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5048.JPG" width="234" /></a>Panda-monium! Talk about a bear hug! This guy is adorable but as I explained to Michelle he is WAY too huge. He wouldn't even fit in the car. And he had an enormous price tag to match. I told her maybe one day if we win the lottery. If we ever do actually win I'll have a LOT of stuff to get Michelle -- mini pink convertibles and massive stuffed animals for a start. Michelle has gotten so used to it that now she brings it up "Mama if we win the lottery can we get this?" And I just say yup. One day she hatched an ingenious plan to ask Santa for whatever she wanted. Even though Christmas was several months away. She was going to ask Santa for a REAL MAGICAL UNICORN. This was a tricky one. How was I going to get out of this one? I began by saying that I wasn't sure unicorns ACTUALLY existed and that if they did they would want to stay hidden. Otherwise they wouldn't be so magical. And if Santa gave Michelle a real unicorn, every kid would want one and they'd lose their magic. Or something. She says she's going to save the letter until December but I hope she just forgets about it or loses it. I told her you're really just supposed to ask for TOYS, rather than ACTUAL MAGIC. </div>
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GPiEhVYmw_I/XUI7A3_1EHI/AAAAAAAAWsA/IauNsD5Ptmc85fGcayINjxBFH25kMTLAACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5058.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GPiEhVYmw_I/XUI7A3_1EHI/AAAAAAAAWsA/IauNsD5Ptmc85fGcayINjxBFH25kMTLAACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5058.JPG" width="240" /></a>And of course Michelle already IS a magical unicorn herself! We did a little shopping and tried on some dresses. How could I NOT get a rainbow dress for my unicorn?! It was a must-have! I have been pretty good about fighting my shopping addiction. Now that I've acknowledged the problem and am more conscious of it it is somewhat easier to keep myself in check. I do still give in to temptation occasionally but within reason. I have very low resistance when it comes to Michelle though. It is far easier to talk myself out of purchases for me than it is to say no to her when it's something she wants. She loves trying on dresses as much/or more than I do and she even let me snap a couple of photos in the change room. Michelle can be quite the little Diva when she wants to be. I can't even IMAGINE how she's going to be when she's a teenager. She already struts around in dresses and heels like she's on a runway. I am DOOMED! She is the only one who wanted me to keep the blog because she likes that I post photos of her. Yes I've created a monster!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xFKmWA83H7Q/XUI7A8kkbcI/AAAAAAAAWr8/vou9YkGpiaw4N0U3Jv-Dwzm4SrKi1aKAwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5064.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="1536" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xFKmWA83H7Q/XUI7A8kkbcI/AAAAAAAAWr8/vou9YkGpiaw4N0U3Jv-Dwzm4SrKi1aKAwCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_5064.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zNdp8PNTIfc/XUI7kuJ7OBI/AAAAAAAAWsc/LFM0QJBlOSsoY_-dbC92qQsaztDi5Lh5wCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1209" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zNdp8PNTIfc/XUI7kuJ7OBI/AAAAAAAAWsc/LFM0QJBlOSsoY_-dbC92qQsaztDi5Lh5wCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_5080.JPG" width="150" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qNJQRFmgXrw/XUI7Bbr1-zI/AAAAAAAAWsI/qyIRd-wKoqwa9rNVpRhNe7-4Sd24XcwQgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5076.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1298" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qNJQRFmgXrw/XUI7Bbr1-zI/AAAAAAAAWsI/qyIRd-wKoqwa9rNVpRhNe7-4Sd24XcwQgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5076.JPG" width="257" /></a>In Grandma's backyard. Most of our visits consist of my taking Mom shopping (her choice! She always wants me to take her shopping. That's usually the reason for the visit) but we do spend a little time in the yard when it's nice. Mom and me sit on the swing and relax while Michelle runs amok. I wanted a picture with the tree while it was in bloom with little pink flowers. Spring goes by too fast. You wait so long for Winter to end. Then finally it warms up, flowers start to bloom and before you know it they're gone, replaced with leaves. It's a brief window of opportunity to see them. That's why I love photos. You capture the moment and the tree is always in bloom with little pink flowers. And your Mom is always smiling with her matching maroon hat, sweater and pants. And the sun is always shining. And your little girl unicorn is always little and you can hold onto all of it forever. Because outside of the photos, it's all so fleeting. It all changes. </div>
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May didn't want any fuss made about her birthday whatsoever. The kids would be having a party for theirs and she usually just lumps hers in with theirs but it doesn't seem right to me and I wanted to see her on her actual birthday. My brothers rarely if ever come to our birthdays anyway so we decided to celebrate it on her birthday with just Mom and Dad in the afternoon. It was a weekday so the kids were in school. We got cupcakes to put candles in. I think May would have preferred if we just didn't bother but I wanted to see her and thank her for how special she made my birthday. I love May so much. She's the best sister and best friend anyone could have. She deals with a lot of stress too and I worry about her. These are tough times for a lot of us and we're all just figuring it out as we go along and trying to get through one day at a time.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pUaaEnE-gS4/XUI7y-v4BpI/AAAAAAAAWso/MC7WwTIW5nQnLnMhxn-zHU-cPHHhKOVlwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5098.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1276" data-original-width="1600" height="159" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pUaaEnE-gS4/XUI7y-v4BpI/AAAAAAAAWso/MC7WwTIW5nQnLnMhxn-zHU-cPHHhKOVlwCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_5098.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V2GfRWBmBis/XUI7ypGGTbI/AAAAAAAAWsk/nSFHBz_mDfAvHLOVqIZoUxzJgm4U8PciQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5104.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1273" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V2GfRWBmBis/XUI7ypGGTbI/AAAAAAAAWsk/nSFHBz_mDfAvHLOVqIZoUxzJgm4U8PciQCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_5104.JPG" width="158" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2fHQqPSDLdg/XUI7yI-pF3I/AAAAAAAAWsg/cRw0q9k06iAhtXCpsWf20ZPYGT8viQLgACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5105.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1213" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2fHQqPSDLdg/XUI7yI-pF3I/AAAAAAAAWsg/cRw0q9k06iAhtXCpsWf20ZPYGT8viQLgACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5105.JPG" width="242" /></a>Michelle plays nicely with a couple of her male friends at the park after school. Unfortunately one day a group of boys were causing trouble. They took over a spot that Michelle had set up as a "camp site," basically threw her out and said "No girls allowed!" I told her to stand up for herself and say that she was there first. Finally they left and she got her spot back but by then it was almost dinner time and we had to go. I told Michelle we were leaving. She said "No! I just got my spot back." "You don't say no to me. We're leaving. Now." "No," she repeated. I started to walk away with my friend and her son. Michelle sat there with her backpack defiantly. I'd had a bad day and I didn't need a rebellious 6 year old adding to my stress. She could be stubborn but I'm Taurus the bull, I wrote the book on stubborn. I kept walking and refused to even look back. "Is she coming?" I asked her friend to check for me. "Not yet." "If this is a battle of wills," I told my friend, "she will LOSE." Then finally when the distance was growing too big for comfort, she started running toward us. Then she tripped and fell and started crying. She cried all the way home. It was hard for me but as I talk to other parents I hear that it's normal and natural for kids to test boundaries, to defy you, to assert their independence sometimes. It just hurts. It feels like I'm failing as a Mom. I've failed at so many things but being a Mom is more important to me than anything. I can't fail at this. In the end Michelle apologized and hugged me. She is a really good kid. I am so grateful to her. We will have disagreements. She is strong willed like me. I worry about her teen years! But in the end we love each other so much we can get through anything. We communicate. We respect each other. And we both have a guilty conscience that doesn't let us away with much. When we mess up we beat ourselves up over it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3ZO7qq8T7l0/XUI784oedpI/AAAAAAAAWs0/WrC2c8I9-SYDResSYibTe98rzpNHlL0UACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5115.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1311" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3ZO7qq8T7l0/XUI784oedpI/AAAAAAAAWs0/WrC2c8I9-SYDResSYibTe98rzpNHlL0UACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5115.JPG" width="260" /></a>One of Michelle's Earth Ranger missions was to conserve energy around the house by switching to energy efficient bulbs etc. I rarely have to change light bulbs because I don't use overhead lights too often (in the day you don't need to and at night they're not on too much.) We replaced a few with energy saving bulbs. I got the idea for Michelle to hold a bulb over her head -- like a cartoon idea. Michelle enjoys being an Earth Ranger. I am glad that she cares about saving the Earth. Lord knows her generation will have to care and work to save it from destruction. It is a good idea to make kids conscious of climate concerns, fading biodiversity and to enlist their parents' help to make changes that will help the planet. Unfortunately individuals can only do so much. Industries and governments need to take responsibility and step up to make changes necessary to reverse the damage we've done before it's too late. We are already seeing the devastating effects of climate change. And we are all interdependent. If the planet suffers, so do we.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UKYD97zcy3A/XUI8ITbMByI/AAAAAAAAWtA/GRFiJtbwXYAn2eRaDLUl-xtrzipjzrz8wCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5118.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1552" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UKYD97zcy3A/XUI8ITbMByI/AAAAAAAAWtA/GRFiJtbwXYAn2eRaDLUl-xtrzipjzrz8wCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5118.JPG" width="310" /></a>I never imagined it would happen but I was a runner. Every day. At first it was just once or twice a week with my friend but then it became a habit and I actually looked forward to it in a weird way. I would drop Michelle off at school and go for a run. It was hard but I liked the afterglow, the feeling of accomplishment. I liked that I could just run and feel the endorphins kick in. I tried to run mindfully. To take everything in. The pad of my feet hitting the pavement or the crunch of running on wood chips or gravel, the sound of birds singing, the rustle of grasses or trees around me. The rhythm of my breathing. It was still hard for me to breathe. My friend tried to tell me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. That wasn't even an option. I was just gasping, panting. But I got through it. Even when I thought I'd collapse I kept going. Exercise was helping me to feel healthier, stronger, more in control. It was addictive. </div>
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Pretty in pink. My little ballerina. I love this shot. It looks like an old fashioned photo. The creative multi-shots don't always work out but sometimes I love them. Michelle does get annoyed at times with my paparazzi tendencies but usually she doesn't fight me on it. If Mama was kind enough to get her ballet lessons the least she can do is let me snap some pictures. One of the other Moms takes photos during class sometimes but no one else is as obsessive as I am about it. Full blown photoholic.<br />
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Michelle was focused on her class but she caught me looking through the window and waved at me. I love this shot. So cute. When I found out that I was having a girl I think this was what I pictured. A little girl in a pink tutu doing ballet. Because that is somehow just as girly as it gets. Aside from the unicorns and rainbows and glitter, dancing ballet has always been to me the ideal of feminine beauty. Ballet is so beautiful. So graceful.<br />
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The greatest compliment I ever got was in university when a fellow student (who I dated briefly) told me that I was "too felinely graceful to be human." It made my day/week/life! I used to have strangers ask if I was a ballerina. I was very slim and I did love to dance but I'd never had lessons. It was a road not taken. Seeing Michelle dance is like watching my inner child come to life and live out her dreams at long last. Sometimes I tear up watching her. She's so sweet. My little miracle. She is my second chance. My better life. My best life.<br />
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I could never do the splits. Not even as a kid. You have to start when you're 4 or so or you lose your flexibility. Michelle was dancing and stretching even before she took classes. She could have taken gymnastics too but it's so expensive and I'd worry about her getting hurt. And gymnastics is more athletic. Ballet (though it requires a great deal of strength and agility as well) is more of an art. It is poetry in motion. I am so glad that Michelle chose to take piano and ballet, the two things that I love and wanted most. She is so much like me.<br />
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Ta-DAH!<br />
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Unicorn rainbow princess ready to party! She wanted to wear her new rainbow dress. Michelle absolutely LOVES to dress up, especially for a party.<br />
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We were heading to my niece and nephew's birthday party but we had to wait for Grandma. Somehow we are ALWAYS waiting for Grandma. In the meantime we got a few photos in the backyard. It was a beautiful day.<br />
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I was looking forward to going to my sister's but also nervous because obviously Shane would be there (and we hadn't seen each other since our fight on Mother's Day) and even C would be there. (Yes he actually decided to show up at something.) I promised May I wouldn't start anything or take the bait if they did. I hoped they'd just leave me alone. No matter what I would keep the peace for the kids' sake.<br />
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Thankfully Shane and C just stayed out of my way. (X didn't come with him luckily. I don't think she'd have the nerve to show her face.) I got a family photo minus the guys. I didn't ask them to join us and they didn't offer. Our group photos were shrinking.<br />
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C and Shane just avoided me. Every so often I'd catch a bit of C's conversation and roll my eyes. He would sometimes passive aggressively make comments that were probably digs at me. At one point he made a comment that "God is quiet but the devil is really loud."<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZzSXIMaBKrA/XUI9QYrmWmI/AAAAAAAAWuk/aDRNpMV3vqUno4qX2jQasFaQpabOz3kEACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5239.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1431" data-original-width="1573" height="291" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZzSXIMaBKrA/XUI9QYrmWmI/AAAAAAAAWuk/aDRNpMV3vqUno4qX2jQasFaQpabOz3kEACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5239.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
I muttered "Says the LOUDEST guy in the room!" under my breath. Sometimes I wonder if he even notices or cares how obnoxious he is. Michelle wasn't sure how he would be with her. She's more forgiving than Mama but she still felt slightly ambivalent. C made a big fuss of her as usual. He hugged and kissed her. My Mom made her thank him for the rainbow blow up pool he'd given Michelle. Supposedly to replace her water table that they'd thrown away without our permission. A terrible gift. How am I supposed to empty a pool in my backyard and flood the neighbourhood? Anyway C said to her, loud enough so that I could hear "The pool was X's idea. She felt bad and wanted to make it right." Oh. So she DID realize stealing from a child was wrong, but stealing from me was OK? Idiots. I just tried to ignore him. My Mom said he seemed happy that Michelle wasn't holding a grudge. Michelle is an angel and doesn't hold grudges like Mama though at the time of the incident a month ago she did say "Mama, Uncle C is a POOP!" I didn't disagree.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JYOcc6cHyK4/XUI9QLDSMHI/AAAAAAAAWug/9GjRJsMVgcI3Cj5SSkLHiLa_KgWkXUhWwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5238.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1375" data-original-width="1545" height="283" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JYOcc6cHyK4/XUI9QLDSMHI/AAAAAAAAWug/9GjRJsMVgcI3Cj5SSkLHiLa_KgWkXUhWwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5238.JPG" width="320" /></a>I was extremely relieved to have gotten through the party without an incident. I didn't say anything to them and they didn't say anything to me. When I was leaving, Shane joined everyone at the door to say goodbye. I felt like I should say something. I complimented him on dinner and on the roof he'd built on the back deck. And I thanked him for not saying anything about anything. "Of course," he said and hugged me. It was nice. Water under the bridge. He was a man of his word. He wasn't holding a grudge. It was nice to know I could feel comfortable at my sister's place again rather than walking on eggshells. My Mom said she wished C and me would hug it out too but I couldn't see that happening because we are both stubborn and both hold a grudge. Each one of us believes we are right (in my case I KNOW that I'm right! LOL) and we aren't willing to budge. I'd just prefer avoiding him. Avoidance is still my go to for most unpleasant things. We have blocked each other on our phones and are mostly just trying to not be in the same place at the same time. The kids' party was the exception. We got through that by keeping our distance.<br />
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I actually had a list in my purse to pull out if I needed it. My therapist had shown me a video about anger management. Maybe I could learn not to be so reactive, not to take the bait when people push my buttons, either accidentally or deliberately. I wrote out the "Five Keys to Controlling Anger" and had the list in my purse in case I needed it:<br />
1. Don't get attached. The ego needs to be RIGHT. Mine sure does! We get attached to our ideas but our ideas are not us & it's OK if people attack your ideas because they aren't you. Try to be open to learning & understanding different perspectives.<br />
2. Don't take things personally. Everyone has their issues. If someone insults you that's a reflection of THEM, not you. Happy people don't try to hurt others.<br />
3. Let go. You can't always have your way. You can't control everything.<br />
4. Be aware of what's going on in your body. Maybe you're just tired, or hungry or hangry. Maybe you're not mad, just stressed, exhausted etc.<br />
5. Learn how to say what's really going on with you. Assert yourself. Holding it in will eat away at you. State your case, calmly and honestly. "I feel that..." Express yourself instead of bottling your feelings up.<br />
It all sounds like good advice but easier said than done. At least I didn't have to pull out my list. Even if the guys HAD tried to push my buttons there was no way I was going to ruin the kids' party.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mcwPz6Zun58/XUI9RHc-16I/AAAAAAAAWus/wTsoha0FZYcGPBbeL5U76YrlGy-7cNzJQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5328.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1209" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mcwPz6Zun58/XUI9RHc-16I/AAAAAAAAWus/wTsoha0FZYcGPBbeL5U76YrlGy-7cNzJQCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_5328.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mfOvw8unts/XUI9kHPuXCI/AAAAAAAAWvQ/L5GeUsSiyRMNkDr3zU0cyNB3c45kqeUFQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5330.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mfOvw8unts/XUI9kHPuXCI/AAAAAAAAWvQ/L5GeUsSiyRMNkDr3zU0cyNB3c45kqeUFQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5330.JPG" width="320" /></a>My absent minded girl got into the habit of forgetting something at school almost every day. A book, her stuffie, her water bottle. I started to wonder if it was just an excuse to go back to her classroom. She seemed to like me to see inside her class. I enjoyed seeing it too because it was a glimpse inside of her life at school that I didn't usually get to see. If I got to sit in on her classes I'd be taking all sorts of pictures of her learning and laughing with her friends. I don't like leaving Michelle. Not even when she goes to school but I know it's necessary. It's hard for me to let go and I don't do it very often aside from school, parties and play dates. My girl is with me all the time. It was so hard when I had to leave her for long shifts at work. It was far too long. I'm grateful to have had this time with her to make up for time apart.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xfHqiWUvUG0/XUI9upYdVlI/AAAAAAAAWvU/e7E9ORXTA208qONIoTA3HpWuq6PDP0VTACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5332.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1443" data-original-width="998" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xfHqiWUvUG0/XUI9upYdVlI/AAAAAAAAWvU/e7E9ORXTA208qONIoTA3HpWuq6PDP0VTACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5332.JPG" width="221" /></a>In the swing of things.</div>
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I told her it wasn't the best idea but Michelle wanted to stand up on the swing. I remember not too long ago when she needed me to push her. Then she learned how to swing herself and didn't need me. It's hard as a parent. You teach them, you watch them learn and grow until they get to the point where they don't need you anymore. They become more and more independent. It will be so hard to let go. In some ways Michelle wants to be more independent and in other ways she still needs her Mama. I don't know at what point she'll stop wanting to wear cute headband cat ears and unicorn horns or letting me pick out her outfits (she already insists on picking her clothes a lot of the time). I just want her to be my little girl as long as possible. I enjoy watching her play. It has gone so fast. It keeps going so fast. It was hard to believe 7 years was just around the corner. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bZXLEuzWDIk/XUI9ugW0z_I/AAAAAAAAWvY/zIRyvpUKH_0cbrrk-a2lDcXLoo1s532UQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5335.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1142" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bZXLEuzWDIk/XUI9ugW0z_I/AAAAAAAAWvY/zIRyvpUKH_0cbrrk-a2lDcXLoo1s532UQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5335.JPG" width="228" /></a>It became my routine to take Michelle to school and go for a run either with my friend or solo. One day a teacher outside the school told me she could tell I was running every day because I looked "fabulous." It was so sweet. It made my day. I was grateful that my friend had started me on this healthy habit. Running or jogging wasn't something that interested me. I'd tried it once years ago and got discouraged because it was too hard and I thought never again. But it's different when someone is there with you, motivating and encouraging you, pushing you further than you knew you could go. I looked forward to runs with my friend and to our daily chats at the park. I got to know her really well. She shared stories about her childhood and things she'd never told anyone. Maybe because I'm such an open book she felt comfortable confiding in me. Unfortunately she was going to be gone for the entire Summer. I was going to miss her. I was growing quite fond of her. We were opposites in some ways and very alike in others. We seemed to balance each other out.<br />
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Michelle's big Spring Concert/ballet recital was coming up and there was no photography or video permitted. Were they kidding?! A professional photographer was going to be doing a DVD video of the entire concert which parents could purchase (so I ordered one of course!) but it wouldn't be out until the Fall. Although photos weren't allowed at the actual performance, we were allowed to take pictures at the dress rehearsal so I took full advantage and got several pictures of Michelle. I was careful not to include the other girls in the shots. It's better this way anyway because it looks like Michelle is alone on stage, my little star.<br />
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It melts my heart to see my little girl tiptoeing around on a big stage in a beautiful theater. Talk about a photo op!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XiIE3XOIVIA/XUI-vITUIHI/AAAAAAAAWxo/IeRHuZ8P8bAsDKNLEjE6DZBg4su72b9yACLcBGAs/s1600/ballet%2Bmoment%2B9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="666" data-original-width="490" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XiIE3XOIVIA/XUI-vITUIHI/AAAAAAAAWxo/IeRHuZ8P8bAsDKNLEjE6DZBg4su72b9yACLcBGAs/s320/ballet%2Bmoment%2B9.jpg" width="235" /></a>My precious little flower. Sometimes I think my heart will burst I love her so much. She's so sweet.<br />
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I love these photos. Seeing Michelle glowing white against the black backdrop is like a little star twinkling in the sky.<br />
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I'm a sap. I'm a sentimental fool. I can't help it. I was surprised that other parents weren't even taking photos of their kids when they had the chance. Some of them didn't even have their kids in costume. WHY THOUGH?! It's called a DRESS REHEARSAL. Maybe they couldn't be bothered. I don't know. I can't relate to some people. Don't they know that the moment is precious and gone so fast and if you don't snap a picture of it it's going to be gone?! Some people are too busy checking their cellphones to even glance on stage and see their kid dancing. I don't get it. To each their own I guess.<br />
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Michelle was disappointed that her school's Fun Fair was the same night as her ballet dress rehearsal. She almost wanted to skip the dress rehearsal. I said no way. Priorities: ballet is more important than a fair. I hadn't even realized the conflict until the last minute because I was frazzled trying to keep track of everything. I had thought the fun fair was during the school day, not after. It was just too hectic. I told her that if her dance was done early enough we could go and try to catch at least some of the fair before it was over. She was thrilled when she finished her dance and we were out of there by dinner time so we could head back home, change and go. There was going to be a bouncy castle, games, balloons and treats. She couldn't miss out on that! Some days it seemed like such a mad rush to work everything in. Even just getting to school on time in the mornings was a challenge without lessons and extracurricular activities and everything else.<br />
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We made it to the fair! Michelle was thrilled. She loved the bouncy castle maze/slide thing. I actually considered renting a bouncy castle for her birthday party. This year I was going to do her party at the end of June since when I do it in late July half of her friends are away. It was going to be SUPER hectic having a party right after the last day of school but part of me just wanted to get it over with. I looked into the rental. Some were WAY too expensive but I found one that was more affordable. I figured it would keep the kids entertained in the backyard for an hour, then we'd have cake and it'd be done before we knew it. I usually want to have parties at home because I'm a control freak and there are too many uncontrolled variables in a public place. Still I wasn't in love with the idea of several kids running amok inside the house. The backyard seemed a better option.<br />
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Michelle wanted to try all the games. When she actually sunk a basket in the basketball game she jumped up and down with excitement and it was adorable. I'm so glad I actually managed to capture this moment with her ponytail in mid-air. Her enthusiasm is contagious. I'm usually low on energy and pretty much dragging myself around like Eeyore (although my running has helped my energy levels somewhat. It's cliche but it's true -- exercise creates energy. You think you don't have the energy to do it but if you force yourself it actually makes you stronger. The more you do, the more you can do. Still, even on my best day it's hard to keep up with Michelle!) Michelle is usually bouncing off the walls like Tigger! She is a little Energizer bunny. She can just keep going. She'd already done a full day in school, gone to her dance rehearsal and now was jumping around at the Fun Fair. There was no slowing her down. "What next?" She wanted to do everything. Even a game where you throw toilet paper rolls into a toilet. OK...<br />
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DEADPOOL! You just never know who you're going to meet at the Fun Fair. I was curious who was in the costume. We'd seen him before during a hailstorm at the ice cream place on Hero Day last year. Now he was walking around the school. I asked if I could get a picture of him with Michelle. A friend or acquaintance of his was joking that he liked to "pick up girls." He literally picked Michelle up off the ground. I joked that at least I was in no danger. I was no girl. I was an old lady, especially after my birthday. "NO WAY!" he was saying. It's nice to get a compliment when you're fishing for one. I am almost hurt if people aren't shocked by my age. I remember one guy I met that actually told people he was 10 years older than he was just to get compliments. "WOW! You look GREAT man!" He figured it was better than pretending to be younger and have people think he looked awful for his age. I could see the logic but I sure didn't want to be another decade older. I still can't believe how old I am. I don't feel it. Maybe that's another reason I was running. To prove I've still got it!<br />
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There was a long line up for the balloon guy but Michelle finally got her pink kitty balloon. The guy was so animated. He said he did birthday parties too and gave me his card. I should have considered it. It would have been a better option than the bouncy castle fiasco but I'll get to that later. Hindsight is 20-20. You just never know what's going to happen next. You can try to plan things to the letter but there is so much that's beyond your control. As the old Yiddish saying goes: "Mann tracht, un Gott lacht" -- Man plans and God laughs. I think he laughs even harder at women's plans. As a control freak I must give Him quite a few chuckles.<br />
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If there is a fuzzy creature or reptile anywhere to be found, Michelle is there!<br />
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There was a Reptile show/petting zoo at the fair and Michelle was right in there touching the turtles and lizards and who knows what. I got a couple of pictures of her. It was hard to snap without getting other kids in the photo. I reminded Michelle to please use the hand sanitizer afterward because reptiles carry bacteria like salmonella. She was hoping to get an ice cream after. "There's literally no way you're eating ice cream with turtle hands" I told her. Not on my watch. Sometimes I'll see kids touching things they shouldn't and then touching their faces. I want to scream "NO!" but the parent is sort of oblivious and it's not my place to meddle in someone else's life. I can't control the whole world. Some people don't worry about anything. I worry about EVERYTHING!<br />
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Photo op! How do you NOT pose for a photo with Elsa?!<br />
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I wasn't a big fan of Michelle using community hats/props but it was a cute photo op and it made her happy so I relented. OK. Go ahead. Put on the big straw hat and silly glasses and lei.<br />
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I even got in a photo with Michelle and Elsa.<br />
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They had some games and activities indoors. They had a version of Musical Chairs with a twist. There were numbers on the seats and if your number was called, you won a prize. A big cream pie. It was just as well we didn't win because I wouldn't have wanted to carry it around and also the last thing I needed in the house was a cream pie! Bad enough I'd be having cake at the end of the month!<br />
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Michelle wanted a hamster. Ever since she saw her cousin Reggie's. I kept hoping she'd change her mind or forget about it but no such luck. I told her maybe we'd get one AFTER her birthday. She would have to prove that she was responsible enough. At least the hamster gave me some leverage. I was able to get Michelle to do what I wanted by warning "Well if you want the hamster you have to earn it with good behaviour." Her little tantrum and act of defiance at the park was Strike One. Two more strikes and she was out. No hamster. It kept her on her toes anyway. We went to the pet store to look but they didn't have any Teddy Bear hamsters anyway. We could order one if we had to.<br />
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My friend had free passes to the indoor playground so we went. It was nice for the kids to run and play while we could sit and chat. I wound up telling her my life story, at least the part about becoming a single Mom unexpectedly. She was blown away by what I'd been through. She said what a great job I've done, what a great Mom I am to Michelle. It meant a lot. She is such a good friend. I was really going to miss her when she went away for the Summer. She was leaving even before the end of the school year. It was going to be bittersweet. She said her son would really miss Michelle too. That she's such a smart and fun and kind friend. They have a lot in common. They both love reading and math. My friend's son is so smart he's already reading Harry Potter and Narnia books. Michelle is reading some grade 5 level books and doing grade 3 math. My friend does homework with her son. She feels like they don't learn enough in class. I was kind of surprised Grade One wasn't quite what I expected. It almost seemed like she did more in Kindergarten. </div>
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Michelle met another of her friends at the playground as well and they all played together. I was wishing we had more time but I'd forgotten she had a piano lesson. Lately I was getting confused and forgetting things. There was just too much on my mind. I could barely keep the days straight. </div>
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After piano Michelle wanted to check out Toys R Us. I'd mostly been avoiding it these days because it's a dangerous place for a recovering shopaholic Mom with low impulse control! But we went to look and I was pretty good considering. We met a "Pets Alive" butt wiggling llama that was so stupid it was absolutely HILARIOUS. The fuzzy little thing twerks awkwardly and then spins around. We laughed and laughed. It almost would have been worth the $30 just to get a few more laughs with it at home but I resisted. "Maybe if it goes on sale half price," I reasoned. I can still picture it in my mind even without buying the thing. Even the memory of it makes me smile! That can be my new happy place! Skip the drama with a twerking llama!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G36C4yqObOc/XUI_Np1Sb8I/AAAAAAAAWy4/1p0wXLxJH20P28Mz1pgADEZttQI2XRKoQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5512.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1353" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G36C4yqObOc/XUI_Np1Sb8I/AAAAAAAAWy4/1p0wXLxJH20P28Mz1pgADEZttQI2XRKoQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5512.JPG" width="270" /></a>Some geese had taken up residence near home. It was cute. We saw the whole family walking -- Mom and dad and the kids. Michelle wanted to go see them. It was a photo op so I was all over it although I worried the geese might feel threatened when Michelle went near. It's a mother's instinct to protect her babies. A father's too I guess sometimes, when they're around. When they care enough to stick around. Though there are a few notable exceptions in the animal kingdom it's mostly single Moms. The guy takes off as soon as the baby is born. If not before. It's the Mama who is left to do all the work, the nurturing, protecting. Geese and swans are an exception. Apparently they are very loyal. They mate for life. They stand by each other and protect each other and their offspring. When one dies the other mourns in seclusion. It's beautiful really. That's how love should be. But how often does that happen among human animals? I guess the key is to find your goose or swan...<br />
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Taking flight! After several failed attempts and blurry shots, once in a while I strike gold and catch a clear action shot with Michelle in mid-air. The grand jété is the most breathtaking leap in ballet. One of the most advanced moves. Michelle already attempts it. Here there are two of her flying. My little black butterfly. It was the last day of ballet so I was going to take advantage of every last photo op. It was bittersweet to be saying goodbye to the studio for the season. To see my little girl growing up before my eyes. School was ending. Ballet was ending. It was all going too fast.<br />
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I even got to sit in on her last class. It was a very small class so they figured why not. There was just one other child aside from Michelle that even showed up. I guess most of the parents figured why bother. The season was over anyway. I wanted to cherish that one last class. It was nice to watch her almost have the class to herself. She didn't fight me on taking photos. She knew that resistance was futile anyway. Let Mama have her last hurrah with the camera.<br />
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I enjoy living vicariously through Michelle. I get to experience ballet, piano and so many things through her. It's like getting to be a kid again but better. Having even more fun. Doing all the things I always wanted to do. And Michelle has far more energy and magic than I ever had, even as a child. She is a force of nature.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qz3cUyYPOTM/XUJAqNi1AQI/AAAAAAAAW0I/HkQ_BJMKqRMzE7UbXH5xQYtCR5YjChTxACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5582.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1097" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qz3cUyYPOTM/XUJAqNi1AQI/AAAAAAAAW0I/HkQ_BJMKqRMzE7UbXH5xQYtCR5YjChTxACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_5582.JPG" width="219" /></a>One last goodbye photo with Mama!<br />
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My baby girl. I don't know why she is leaning like this on her heels, lifting her feet off the ground. She almost knocked me over. Sometimes she does actually pull me down. I guess she thinks Mama is strong enough that she can lean on me, pull on me, swing on me and I will not fall. But sometimes I do. Mama is breakable. Sometimes Michelle wants me to carry her or give her a piggyback. Even though she is 60 lbs! Some days I do it. Other days it nearly kills me. I became a Mom at an older age. I have to stay young and healthy for Michelle's sake. Thankfully most people don't even realize how old I am. The other Moms I've met had no idea. They thought I was around their age. Even my friend was shocked when she heard how old I was. She's an older Mom too but still a lot younger than me. I am sure I am the oldest Mom in Michelle's grade, maybe any grade for that matter. But Michelle keeps me young. Because I have to be for her.<br />
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The last day of ballet was magical. There was a surprise waiting for us when we got to the car: A BUTTERFLY! A beautiful black butterfly with orange and blue accents. It was right near the car. She flew under one of the tires and I wanted to make sure I didn't run her over so I went to get her out. To my surprise she didn't fly away but stayed on my finger! Michelle wanted to see her so I transferred her to Michelle's finger and she STAYED for the longest time. I couldn't believe it. She wouldn't leave. Just like some of the ones at the Butterfly Conservatory. Butterflies love her. I had NEVER seen a butterfly this friendly out in the wild though. Maybe it was a baby, just hatched and we were just lucky to be in the right place at the right time. In any case, Michelle was THRILLED and I was beyond thrilled for the perfect PHOTO OP! My baby girl in her black tutu with a black butterfly on the last day of ballet?! It was too perfect. Photoholic HEAVEN! Naturally I snapped a dozen photos.<br />
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"Can we keep it?!" Michelle pleaded.<br />
I tried to reason with her. No you can't "keep" a wild thing. She wanted to bring it home. I told her there was no way it would stay with her when she went in the car and even if it did there was no way I could drive with a butterfly flitting around the car. Still, Michelle insisted and I was half-curious how this experiment would turn out so I said "OK. We'll try it. But don't be disappointed. She'll never stay that long." She did. The butterfly, who Michelle named Riley, was such a sweetheart. She perched nicely on Michelle's finger and flew around the backseat a little bit but didn't disturb me whatsoever. We made it all the way home with her. I told Michelle she's probably going to fly away the second we open the car door but SHE DIDN'T! She stayed on Michelle's hand as she gently tiptoed toward the house and through the door. I couldn't believe it! The next obstacle would be Ali. We absolutely could not let our cat see the butterfly or she would swat at/eat it.<br />
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A pet butterfly?! You just never knew what each new day was going to bring. It was a crazy, beautiful, magical experience. Luckily Ali was oblivious. Riley kept a low profile when walking past Ali and only flew a little bit in the living room when Ali wasn't around. It was so surreal. Was this actually happening?! I have loved butterflies my whole life. They are, along with flowers, some of the most beautiful creations on Earth. God's masterpieces. But they always seemed so elusive. Like you could never get close. They would fly away. Like happiness, you can't catch one by chasing it. You have to let it come to you. Now it had. We had a butterfly book so we looked her up and found her picture. Riley was a Black Swallowtail and she was clearly a female because she had more blue on her wings. I figured she must be a baby since she didn't fly too much. Michelle wanted to keep her "forever." When I looked it up apparently their lifespan is only TWO WEEKS!<br />
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I told Michelle I didn't know how long we'd have her but she could certainly visit and stay at our butterfly hotel until she was strong enough to fly better and then we'd have to set her free. What do butterflies eat?! Flowers of course and I'd seen them on fruit at the Butterfly Conservatory. I got her some banana and some flowers from outside. I have a live plant we'd grown from an apple seed. She liked sitting on that. I made a little basket home for her with some water, fruit, flowers and plants. She seemed happy. She flew a little bit but still not very high or very far. I turned the air conditioning down because I knew butterflies like the heat.<br />
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Riley flew onto Michelle's hair. She almost looked like fairy wings or elf ears. I couldn't believe it was happening. Of course I needed photographic evidence so I took a gazillion pictures.<br />
"We have to tell Grandma and Auntie May!" I called my Mom and sister to let them know. They couldn't believe it. They'd never heard of anything like it. Butterflies aren't usually this friendly are they? Maybe it was the Butterfly Effect. Maybe because the climate, the planet is so messed up it's throwing everyone, from animals, to people to insects, a little bit off. Or maybe Riley had just been born and was learning to fly. Or maybe she was old and too weak to fly. It's hard to tell a butterfly's age. From a baby to a teenager to elderly in two weeks.<br />
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We kept Riley in the bathroom for the night. She'd have room to fly around in there if she wanted to and would be safe from Ali. Michelle said she would miss her overnight. It's amazing how attached you can get to an insect after a few hours but she was so sweet and so beautiful you couldn't help but love her. In the morning Michelle wanted to have Riley on the bed with her. It was cute until... Ewww! Riley peed on the sheets! It hadn't even occurred to me that butterflies PEE but of course they have to eliminate somehow! I was a little grossed out and yet relieved because if she was peeing then she was obviously eating something. I didn't want her to starve. I'd researched what Black Swallowtails like to eat -- Phlox and Verbena and I planned to get some at the garden center that day. As luck would have it we were going to a church right near a garden center. It's like it was meant to be. Yes I was going to church... Maybe God had sent the butterfly as a sign!<br />
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I hadn't been to church in a long time. Mom used to force us to go and it felt more like a punishment than a religious experience. As an adult I went less and less and then basically not at all aside from occasionally at Christmas. The times I felt closest to God were usually in nature, not in a church at all. My friend asked me to go to church with her. Like the running thing my first instinct was to say no but then I considered it. My friend had been a Christian originally then turned Atheist and then found God again. She inspired me to try. She said that there was a non-denominational church she went to. I couldn't imagine such a thing. I was a Catholic. How could a church be non-denominational? You just go to celebrate Jesus. Without the rituals and rules and stuffiness. It was intriguing. So I agreed to try it. When I got there they had a sign outside saying "No perfect people allowed." It was sort of awesome. I like this place already, I thought. You didn't have to be perfect for God to love you. You only needed an open heart. People were welcoming me at the door. I'd never seen such a friendly church. My friend greeted me. She looked so pretty. She was all dressed up. Usually she wears no makeup and athletic clothes for running. I call her "Sporty Spice" and she calls me "Posh Spice" but today she was looking posh. She said I inspired her to dress up. We registered the kids (it reminded me a bit of IKEA and I liked that it was so controlled because I really don't like leaving Michelle with ANYONE) to go play in a room upstairs while the grown ups went to the service. It was very informal. They had free coffee and you could even bring your coffee in with you. And there was MUSIC.<br />
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There was a live band and they were AWESOME. The songs were so moving. Hearing songs about Jesus sung with so much passion was overwhelming. I couldn't even fight back the tears. They came streaming down my face. I felt like an idiot. But it was so emotional. I felt like it was all meant to be, meeting my friend who convinced me to run and to come back to Jesus. She had been such a positive force in my life. This was like no church I'd been to. It felt so warm and welcoming. Everyone was so nice and everything the pastor was saying resonated with me. Church had become a dark place and certainly the Catholic Church has a dark cloud over it in light of all the scandal. It shouldn't be about religion and rules but our relationship with Jesus.<br />
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The pastor talked about how sometimes it's hard to follow Jesus. To do the right thing. To speak your truth even when no one agrees with you. We have to live counter-culturally. Culture wants you to move one way (away from Jesus. To focus on material things instead of what really matters.) It can be lonely to go your own way when it's not the popular path. So much of what he was saying hit close to home. And I felt close to Jesus there in that room. Some people were saying "Amen" out loud while he was talking and it was a little strange to me. Like watching one of those televangelists or something but there was something so wholesome about it. It was dynamic. This was a community. The Catholic churches I'd been to were usually cold and impersonal. Everyone just keeps to themselves. You sit and stand and kneel on cue. It's very formal. This was the opposite. It was just a place to sing and to celebrate Jesus. To listen and be inspired. I couldn't stop crying. My friend cried too and hugged me. I felt so close to her. They had the words to the songs up on the screen. Though I didn't know the songs I was caught up in the music and started singing along. I thought of the times that Jesus was there for me when I didn't think I could keep going. I started to feel guilty about my anger toward my brother. I do need to learn to forgive. I carry so much bitterness. I have to let it go. Jesus sacrificed everything for us and he forgave us for our weaknesses. His love was unconditional.<br />
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After the service my friend introduced me to the pastor and some of her friends. One of them was a beautiful blonde. She looked like a Barbie. I couldn't resist commenting about it. "I don't know how they let YOU in here," I joked with her, "I thought the sign said NO PERFECT PEOPLE!" She was flattered. "Aww. You're so sweet! Thank you! And I'm having a bad hair day!" "THAT is a bad hair day for you?" I asked incredulously, "You look like you just walked off the set of a Pantene commercial!" Then I called her "Jesus Barbie." She loved that. She thought I was a riot. Everyone was so friendly. It was almost too good to be true. Like Stepford Wives or something. My friend was going to be going away and wouldn't be able to come with me but I thought maybe I'd go to this church again, Michelle and me. Unfortunately, Michelle's experience had NOT been so positive. When I went to pick her up from the kids' center she said "Mama. They were ANIMALS! Don't make me go back there!" I guess the kids' play room was a little crowded and chaotic and Michelle hated it. She said the only good part was when SpongeBob came on TV but then they switched it to Veggie Tales. I didn't want to subject Michelle to that again. Maybe she could just sit with me and the rest of the adults next time? But then she might get bored. And no one else seemed to have their kids with them. The next couple of weekends we were busy anyway and I didn't end up going back but I was grateful for the experience.<br />
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Afterward we went to the garden center and got some plants for Riley. It was all very strange how things worked out -- finding the butterfly, going to church next to a garden center, getting plants for Riley. It's like it was all meant to be. We found some phlox and verbena. I couldn't wait to bring them home to her. Riley LOVED them. She drank and drank the nectar. It was fascinating watching her drink with her long straw like tongue (proboscis). She ate so much that she was flying better and stronger. It was rewarding to feel like we were taking care of her, nurturing her, helping her to be strong enough to fly. It's like with kids. You nurture and love them so they can reach their full potential.<br />
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Riley started flying to the window. At one point she flew right onto Michelle's arm. Michelle really does have a way with butterflies and all of nature's creatures. They seem to love her. She loves all animals, birds, reptiles, insects (well some insects. The pretty ones anyway. Although she has even been brave enough to pet some creepy ones we've seen at shows and the Butterfly Conservatory.) She is such a kind, caring, loving, sweet and gentle girl. I am so lucky to have her. Of course I have showered her with love and attention so I know she gets a lot of it from me.<br />
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Yes Michelle is wearing a butterfly shirt and it's not by accident! We were definitely in butterfly mode. This was even better than a trip to the conservatory. I still couldn't believe we had a real live butterfly in our house. And she had chosen to stay with us.<br />
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We made a video of Michelle and Riley. It was sweet. The whole experience was magical. I almost felt like Riley was someone we knew. Although I'm a Christian I'm still open to the idea of reincarnation. What if this was a benevolent spirit who came to visit us. Maybe it wasn't just a random occurrence. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe it meant something. Then again I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and overly sentimental.<br />
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Michelle and me had grown very fond of our butterfly friend in such a short time. It would be hard to let go.<br />
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Here is the video of Michelle with Riley the Butterfly on Youtube.<br />
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Michelle wanted to keep Riley forever. I told her that that wouldn't be fair. Once she was strong enough to fly and was trying to get outside (flying toward the window) we would have to let her go. Then it happened. She ate so much she was stronger and now she kept flying to the window. "It's time Michelle." "NO!" "If you only lived for TWO WEEKS and you had a chance to fly wouldn't you want to touch the sky?" I asked her.<br />
"No," she pouted, "I would want to be HOME. With my FAMILY."<br />
"But we're not her family. She is a wild thing. And wild things need to be free, baby."<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/G21RK8VNb_E/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/G21RK8VNb_E?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: right; float: right;" width="320"></iframe>Michelle finally reluctantly agreed to let her go. I recorded a video of it. It was heartbreaking. I'm a sentimental fool. Michelle was sad about saying goodbye to Riley. She shed a couple of tears. I took it a little harder for some reason. I bawled. I got so attached to that sweet little butterfly. I explained to Michelle that sometimes love is letting go. I told Michelle that I will nurture her and care for her until she is ready to fly off on her own. It will be hard to let her go but I won't hold her back. That's just what you have to do as a parent. You give them the wings so that they can fly. You support and encourage and love them until they leave you and it breaks your heart. I sobbed. For Riley, for the thought of my little girl growing up and leaving me one day, for everything. Because nothing lasts but you still wouldn't trade it for the world. Even the heartbreaking stuff. That's just how it is. Cherish everything. It goes so fast.<br />
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Gheesh. I really am nuts, I thought. I'm crying over an INSECT. But it had been a magical experience. I realized how much I need beauty in my life. I would list beauty as a necessity. Right up there with food, water, air, shelter. Beauty gives me life. When I don't have it, when I'm surrounded by darkness and ugliness (as I used to be in my career) I start to die inside. The world needs beauty. I feel like if people focused on beauty the world would be a better place. Instead they get caught up in the ugliness and create a Dystopian nightmare. Destroying nature is destroying us. We have to save the planet and ourselves. Every life is precious. We can't take it for granted. Cherish the beauty and protect it. We NEED it for survival.<br />
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Here comes the rain again. Grey skies can't bring Michelle down. My resilient girl is a walking ray of sunshine. I wish I was more like her. Even when she gets upset she bounces back quickly. You can not keep her down. I wish some of that would rub off on me. I was up and down but it was always hard for me to bounce back. At least running in the mornings was working wonders for me physically and mentally. I was committed now. In the beginning I used rain as an excuse to skip a day but now I ran, even in the rain. It was actually very refreshing. I was having a shower afterward anyway. I was starting to feel more in control. I had survived a family visit facing two men I wasn't speaking to (C and Shane). I was dealing with things at home. I was embracing my emotions. I was practicing mindfulness. Things still went wrong but overall I felt like I was in a pretty good place. </div>
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Everyone said that I was doing well in therapy: "making significant functional gains", "progressing by leaps and bounds." As a type A personality and former straight A student, I approached therapy like it was a course and I wanted to ace it. A+. Gold star! Therapy seemed to be working wonders. The powers that be wanted to see exactly where I was at and to determine next steps. They ordered a comprehensive independent psychological assessment -- by a fresh set of eyes. I would be speaking with a psychiatrist and psychologist for several hours and taking a number of tests. It was intimidating but I decided to keep an open mind and approach it as an experiment. I gave them the Coles notes version of my life story, breakdown, therapy. I even mentioned my new friend, running, our recent butterfly pet, trip to church to rediscover Jesus. They felt I was thriving in therapy and should continue it but they also felt I was ready for more, ready to move on to the next stage. I was nervous but open to possibilities. I wasn't sure what the future held but I was hopeful it would be a better place than where I had been. </div>
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One day a tune came into my head. A chorus "I'm not everyone's cup of tea, that's OK with me. This is who I am, this is who I am..." I grabbed my guitar and the song was written in minutes. I was in a pretty good place. There were people that disrespected me, people who just didn't get me (former frenemies, even my own brother) and that was OK. I wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea but I was OK with that. Everyone doesn't have to like me. I had a really cool friend that appreciated me. And I didn't mind being solitary. I was fine on my own. I was running in the mornings and it was just me and the birds and the morning sunshine (or rain). I felt like "I got this."<br />
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And on the days when I was getting a little stressed I could sit for a moment and listen to Ali purring. Cats are literally zen masters. They are experts in the art of chill. They don't worry about a thing. And why would they? Their only purpose in life is to be effortlessly beautiful and graceful and take a lot of naps. They're like Supermodels with fur. Oh to be a cat. Sometimes I would practice mindfulness by sitting on the couch with Ali purring on my lap. I thought of people who have companion animals -- seeing eye dogs are the most obvious but I've heard about people with anxiety who have a comfort animal they bring with them -- a dog, or iguana or whatever the case may be. I thought of bringing Ali everywhere with me. Of course it's easier to just stay home with her. Home is where I feel the most safe and in control. Not that I can't venture out now and then. Home is my refuge. My sanctuary. It's where I want to be. The reason I was doing better was because I got to be in my safe place and avoid the unpleasant, stressful, anxiety-provoking things I wanted no part of.<br />
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Of all the school trips/class excursions Michelle had been on, bowling would not have been my first choice to go along but parent volunteers were selected on a lottery basis and my name hadn't come up until now. At least I didn't have to bowl (which is good because I haven't even attempted it in years and I would have likely humiliated myself!) It was much more fun watching the kids. I was in Michelle's group of course and had three other kids with us that I had to supervise. They were all Michelle's friends so that was great. The kids were good. They were a little excitable but they listened well and everyone had fun playing. I cheered them on. Most of them had at least some experience bowling. Michelle had NEVER tried it and she did really well considering it was her first time. They were special bowling balls that weren't as heavy and the gutters were blocked so the ball would bounce off, much better than regular bowling where every ball might be a gutter ball if you're a beginner.<br />
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Of course I couldn't resist taking a million pictures. When Michelle knocked the pins down she got SO EXCITED it was adorable. I was happy for her. At one point she was winning, she had the highest score in the group but she was dethroned by one of her male friends who had been bowling three times at birthday parties. She gave him a good run for his money, especially considering she was an absolute beginner.<br />
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Michelle has inherited or learned at least a little of my type A ways. She is competitive. She wants to do well. She would pout when she didn't get a strike and jump for joy when the pins fell. Of course everyone wants to do well in anything I guess but some people really take it to heart. Some just can't bear to fail. I want Michelle to have fun without always being so results-driven but I know it's a tough thing to break and really you want your kids to strive for excellence. You don't want them to settle. You just have to remind them it's not always about winning. Try your best but don't sweat it when you fall short. No one is the best at everything. And you can still have fun no matter what.<br />
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In the swing of things!<br />
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Michelle was back to standing on the swing again. I wasn't a fan of it because I was afraid she'd fall and get hurt but I guess I can allow her these small daredevil moments. At least she wasn't climbing on the giant cube of death.<br />
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After the bowling trip we headed back to the school and had a picnic lunch outside. Then Michelle got to play with her friends for a while at the park. I enjoyed just sitting and watching them. I got to talk to one of Michelle's friends Moms. I'd seen her in passing but never really had a chance to sit down and chat with her so it was nice. After lunch we were allowed to head home early instead of her returning to class so we took advantage of it to get her ready for her ballet recital. From bowling to ballet! It had been an exhausting day but a fun one. I was so excited for her concert! We had done the dress rehearsal but now this was THE REAL THING! The SPRING CONCERT!<br />
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They had told us ABSOLUTELY NO PHOTOS in the theater and there were signs posted everywhere but excuse me, I'm a photoholic Mama and there is literally no way I can be at my daughter's Spring concert without a souvenir photo at least. I took a selfie of us in the audience while we were waiting for her turn to go on stage. A couple of parents shot me a dirty look. I rolled my eyes. Oh brother. So sue me. It's just a selfie. I realized I probably couldn't aim the camera at the stage during her performance without being burned at the stake so I restrained myself but it KILLED ME! I was glad I had snapped away to my heart's content at the dress rehearsal so I had all those lovely images of Michelle on stage, my little ballerina star. She was more excited than nervous this time around. She was a pro by now. She remembered at the Winter concert how terrified she had been and then wound up having fun in the spotlight and felt like it ended too soon. The great thing about being on stage is that with the bright lights on you, you can't even SEE the audience. Dance like no one is watching!<br />
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It still made my teeth itch to think that I couldn't take photos of her performance but at least in the Fall I would be getting a copy of the entire show on DVD. We only stayed for the first act. Michelle wanted to go home after that. There were a lot of very talented dancers and I don't get to go to the theater often (or at all!) so I enjoyed it. Of course seeing my girl up on stage was best of all but it was kind of torture knowing I couldn't film or photograph her. It took everything in me not to take my camera out.<br />
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I tried explaining to someone before how important photos are to me. Telling me NOT to take pictures is like telling me not to BREATHE. It is torture. If there is a cute or beautiful photo op and I CAN'T capture it in a picture then I almost can't even enjoy it because all I keep thinking is that I lost it. It's gone forever. That moment will never happen again and I didn't get to capture it. That is tragic to me. Most people don't get it. One of my exes sure didn't. He mocked me for how many pictures I took and said I'm not really living my life, I'm just photographing it. Ironically that same boyfriend later thanked me because if it weren't for me he wouldn't have so many beautiful happy photos of his Mom before she passed away. LIFE IS FLEETING. Shut up and take a damn photo for crying out loud.<br />
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I got Michelle a rose for after her performance. It reminded me of in the movies when dancers get flowers after they come off stage. She also got a medal from her dance studio. It was nice. I was so proud of my little ballerina and glad that she got to enjoy her first year of ballet. She likely won't become a ballerina (it would be hard to work in with her other careers, scientist, doctor, animal saving hero, fashion designer to name a few!) but it will always be a beautiful experience she will remember fondly and she won't have to feel like she missed out the way I did.<br />
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After we left we went for ice cream to celebrate. Ice cream is just always a good idea, no matter what the occasion!<br />
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My single Mom friend invited Michelle and me for a play date. She had coupons for free kids' meals at Boston Pizza which was very nice so we all had lunch together. I don't know if you've ever had lunch with three little girls but it gets pretty silly. They were making funny noises and faces and giggling. We had to tell them to settle down several times. They feed off of each other. They were supposed to be going to the indoor playground afterward but we kept threatening to just go home if they weren't going to behave. And they wouldn't get their free dessert either. My friend and me caught up on what had been going on since we last spoke. I was still blown away by some of my friend's dating mishap stories and some of the nightmarish guys that were out there on the dating scene. It made me relieved and grateful that I wasn't out there. She suggested introducing me to one of her male friends but I wasn't feeling it. Quite honestly with all that I've been through I can't imagine embarking on a romantic relationship now. It just seems impossible to me. A lot more stress than it's worth for sure. I've got 99 problems but at least a man ain't one!</div>
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My silly girl. At least I got a few photos of her actually smiling like a human because usually she would deliberately make a ridiculous face to ruin the picture. Sometimes when the girls were silly we would try to be stern with them but then laugh in spite of ourselves. I don't know what it is about kids joking about bodily functions but somehow the conversation always gets around to poop. At one point her friend's little sister was singing "I like to poop it, poop it!" to the tune of "I like to move it, move it." I couldn't help but laugh. Michelle had a male friend at her party last year that talked about how much his Mom burped and farted! It was hilarious because his Mom had told him to "make good choices!" And he definitely did NOT. He also ate a whole jar of jellybeans, picked the pepperoni off his pizza and put it in the grass. The funniest point was when he told the kids his Mom burped so loud she knocked over the vacuum cleaner. Kids say the darnedest things!<br />
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Despite the girls being a handful we still took them to the playground. They had a good time while I got to chat with my friend about her misadventures in the dating world. She recognized some of the dads at the playground from their Tinder profiles. It was kind of weird.<br />
"That guy over there is a single Dad! And that one."<br />
You would never know. I just always assume when a guy has kids that he's married. It's not like single parents wear a sign saying that they're single. Of course I suppose everyone else has apps on their cellphone and goes on dating sites and what not. Even if I had an up to date cellphone I can't see going that route. I remember back when I was on Plenty of Fish (where I met Michelle's dad) and one of my single friends who didn't date thought it was awful -- shopping for a mate out of a catalog. She found it so superficial. It was mostly. But sometimes you found someone that said something interesting and seemed to have chemistry. Still if I'm being honest it really didn't seem like a way that you should meet someone. It's too artificial. Meeting and falling in love should be organic. It should be FATE. One boyfriend I met when he bought my old car. It was love at first sight. That was romantic. That was a great "meet cute" story but that relationship, like all of them in one way or another, went south fast. Everyone had a tragic flaw. Of course I have my tragic flaws too. I think it's just better if I don't date at all. That is one giant ball of stress that I can avoid.<br />
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It's kind of a given that we will go to see just about every single animated film that comes out. Especially Disney. We had loved the original Secret Life of Pets and were excited for the sequel.<br />
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The Secret Life of Pets II was cute. I enjoyed it almost as much as the first one. Michelle loved it too. She wanted me to buy a stuffy souvenir but I resisted. We got a photo of it anyway so we didn't need to buy it. I always try to get the souvenir photo with the movie poster. This one didn't turn out so well, you can't even see the whole poster but they didn't have one outside where we usually pose so I had to settle for this. I have never seen anyone else taking a selfie with the movie posters but maybe they do. It can't be just me that records every moment of their lives. I know that some people even post pictures of their dinner on social media. It's just the thing to do now. Document every moment, no matter how mundane.<br />
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Michelle HATES Father's Day, understandably. The worst was when last year one of her classmates was harassing her about not having a dad. "You MUST have a daddy! EVERYONE has a daddy." And Michelle had to explain that nope, she doesn't, she hasn't, she never has, he has never been around, he wasn't there when she was born, he's never been there, he might as well not exist. Her friend made her feel bad about it and Michelle came home crying. I was livid. Her teacher at the time handled it really well and explained to the class as a whole that all families are different. Not everyone has a Mommy and daddy, some just have a Mommy or just a Daddy, or two Mommies or Daddies or they're raised by their grandparents or by wolves or whatever. Although 99% of the kids in her class seem to be the traditional Mother-Father families. The important thing is Michelle has a Mama that loves her WAY more than any two parents could. Anyway obviously it's a sore point so we don't even call it Father's Day. We call it "Grandpa Day" and she makes a Grandpa Day card in class. Michelle loves her Grandpa. Her teacher knew about the absent father thing and asked me if she should have Michelle make an uncle or grandfather card. "Definitely Grandpa!" I said. Even if I wasn't in a feud with my brother, we rarely if ever see my other brother for Father's Day and she's MUCH closer to dad than my brothers anyway.<br />
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Grandpa Day!<br />
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We were going to celebrate at Auntie May's. Luckily I had made up with Shane so I didn't have to worry about problems with him. Also thankfully my brother C would not be coming. He took my dad out for dinner the day before instead. Apparently my Mom was hurt that she wasn't invited and my bro inexplicably did NOTHING for her for Mother's Day using the excuse he was going to buy her bags of top soil but I'd already given her some. My brother is so weird. I don't know what's wrong with him. Anyway, as long as I didn't have to see him I was happy.<br />
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I told my Dad that he never smiles in photographs anymore (sometimes he looks down right MISERABLE or like he's posing for a mug shot!) so he made an effort to crack a bit of a smile at least here. I love this picture actually. Michelle has a sweet smile. We didn't plan it but Michelle and my dad both wound up wearing blue.<br />
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When I was working so much, Michelle practically lived at my parents' a few days a week. I hated leaving her so much but it was good for her to spend time with her grandparents. It was good for them to. They looked forward to seeing her. Mom said dad is very proud of Michelle and is always showing his friends pictures of her and talking about her. They would play ball and go to the park together. I feel like dad spends more time with Michelle than he ever did with me. Maybe it's a second chance for him too. Of course now that he's retired he has more time.<br />
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It was a nice relaxing day now that Shane and me had made peace and I didn't have to worry about seeing C. My Mom still hoped we would make up some day. I would prefer to just avoid him entirely as I prefer to avoid most unpleasant things. I suppose if he gave a heartfelt apology I could forgive him but there is zero chance of that happening since he can't even admit he was in the wrong.<br />
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In the evening they went to check on Reggie's pet hamster. Michelle never stopped going on about getting a hamster. I wanted to say no but I said that we would see. She would have to prove herself responsible enough to have her own pet and she would have to take care of it (though I knew that in all likelihood the care and cleaning would fall on me.) I told her if anything we would get one AFTER her birthday. At least it gave me a little leverage to keep her in line when she was being difficult. "That's Strike Two. One more strike and you won't be getting a hamster!" It was very effective. Shane suggested I should put it off until Christmas time. I said no I would wait til just after her birthday as promised. I was kind of dreading the whole thing. The idea of having another pet stressed me out. I was worried it would be a nuisance to clean up after etc. I was worried Ali would find/attack it. I was worried because I'm not a fan of change and I have enough to worry about already.<br />
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After several scary and silly filters (one that even turned me into an ostrich which was pretty creepy!) this one was nice. I love this picture. Michelle's eyes look so blue here. I guess it mostly just outlines your eyes. I wish I had fun filters on my camera. The creative multi-shot option creates different colours and effects but nothing like this. Then again I guess it would be addictive and I'd be playing with it all the time. Then I'd be taking even more photos because no matter the occasion I would want to have a normal photo and a silly one and a cute one. "OK, this time with CAT EARS!" Michelle mostly indulges me because she knows she has no choice but sometimes she does grow impatient. "NO MORE PHOTOS MAMA!" I have tried explaining to her that if I can't take photos I can't even enjoy myself. To me, if you're not taking pictures you might as well not even be there. It's like it didn't even happen. My photoholic tendencies began in my 20s with my first camera and a trip to Europe. I've been snapping away ever since.<br />
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Mom as a cartoon! It's funny but creepy. The exaggerated white eyes, the creepy fake smile. Eyes are the windows to the soul. So when your eyes aren't real it's like you're not real. Mom looks like a doll or a ventriloquist's dummy or something. I didn't notice until afterward that you can see my Mom's actual reflection in the glass table which makes the effect slightly more unnerving. It's always fun to play with the various Snapchat filters on Shannon's i-phone. Even though some of the results will HAUNT MY DREAMS! When May saw her picture with this filter she said she actually didn't mind it. She usually hates herself in pictures. I remember when I used to complain about how I looked in photos (back in my 20s actually) and my boyfriend at the time told me that one day I would look back at these photos and think how great I looked. He was right. Youth is wasted on the young. We don't appreciate it until it's gone. Then again I think part of it is just being in your 20s. It's an uncertain time. Your confidence increases in your 30s and 40s.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E9Ipwt35nw0/XUJGlkFdqqI/AAAAAAAAW8c/AOV2xJh9XOk-0c93VnS1uAT1m3iEVOI0QCLcBGAs/s1600/D%2B%2526%2Bme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1003" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E9Ipwt35nw0/XUJGlkFdqqI/AAAAAAAAW8c/AOV2xJh9XOk-0c93VnS1uAT1m3iEVOI0QCLcBGAs/s320/D%2B%2526%2Bme.jpg" width="200" /></a>My friend is so sweet she had an unexpected gift for me. I was planning on giving her a card and gift for her going away and she pre-emptively gave me a present. They were these earrings that she had MADE HERSELF! There were little dried flowers on a white shell disc. I loved them. I wore them the next day. She was happy that I liked them and was wearing them. She calls me posh spice because I like to dress up. I call her sporty spice because she's very athletic.<br />
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I am so grateful for her friendship. She has had such an impact on my life. Having someone I can trust to confide in, having someone who supports and encourages me, who motivated me to start running, convinced me to allow Jesus into my life again by going to church, someone who listens without judging, someone who makes me laugh and makes me think and see the world a little differently: she is a true friend. She took me quite by surprise when she entered my life but I'm so grateful. Just when I reached the point where I was going to just keep to myself and avoid other Moms because I'd been burned by a couple of mean Moms/frenemies, she appeared and restored my faith in humanity. Maybe one day Mr. Right will appear when I least expect too. I won't hold my breath...<br />
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In the nice weather we would go to the park pretty much every day after school. Michelle had fun playing with her friend and I enjoyed talking to mine. We were really going to miss them when they went away for the Summer. They were heading back to Europe. I asked her to send me a postcard.<br />
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I love this little jumper on Michelle. She loved it too. These cold shoulder tops with the strap and the off the shoulder ruffles are some of my favourite styles now. The weather was getting quite hot most days now. Global warming in action. Sometimes I worried about Michelle being in the heat and sun. We always covered her in sunscreen. Have to protect my little ginger. As a child I suffered through terrible sunburns. My Mom claims they didn't make sunblock back then. I know the SPF wasn't as high (maybe only 2-4 as opposed to 30-60 like they have now) but I think they still had it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uPDJlLkrz7s/XUJHjAYudfI/AAAAAAAAW9M/GYc4z-WHaIMUumPH0ZBR3kk7_TnbK6VcQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1339" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uPDJlLkrz7s/XUJHjAYudfI/AAAAAAAAW9M/GYc4z-WHaIMUumPH0ZBR3kk7_TnbK6VcQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6040.JPG" width="267" /></a>I wouldn't have believed I could actually enjoy running but it became a habit. It was nice getting exercise and fresh air in the morning. It was a great way to start the day. People seemed to be friendlier in the morning. Most people would say "Good morning" and smile when they crossed my path. I got in the habit of saying good morning, even if they didn't say it first. Sometimes it was a rather stern looking older man and I would say "Good morning" as I ran by and he'd say "Morning." It was all so out of character for me. It's like I was becoming a different person but this was the person I WANTED to be. I think Michelle was proud of me. She liked that I was going running. I want her to see me as youthful and strong. Even though sometimes I feel old and tired and lacking energy. It was frustrating that after all my exercise I hadn't lost any weight but people were asking if I had so I guess I looked slimmer anyway. It just didn't translate into numbers on a scale. Muscle weighs more than fat. I knew that but it was still frustrating to feel like all your work wasn't reducing the numbers. As you get older it's an uphill battle to lose weight. I'd fought that battle before, lost and then gained it all back. At least I was getting compliments so I figured running was working and I should just ignore the stupid scale!</div>
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The annual Teddy Bear Picnic! Every year parents join kids for a picnic with a few of their fave bears. Well most people only have one or two. I always bring several and it's hard to narrow it down to just a few bears from Michelle's MASSIVE collection. I love it. It's a cute photo op so obviously I'm all over it. My friend was going to be going too so we arranged to sit together. It was hard to find each other in the crowd and she had to text me where to meet. Michelle had fun. We ate sandwiches and cupcakes with the bears surrounding us. I sat my camera on top of my purse to get a self-timed shot of all of us.<br />
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I was really going to miss my friend while she was away. At least we got to have that picnic with them to say goodbye. We hugged, cried and parted ways. I couldn't believe they would be gone ALL SUMMER. She said she would write.<br />
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One of Michelle's other friends came over to say hello and to play with her. Michelle's BFF is so much like her. They both bring stuffies to school just about every day. They dress alike. They both wear cute headbands (cat ears etc). They enjoy playing together. They both love to dance and were even working on a dance routine/play together and would put on performances for other kids at recess. The girl's Mom was a lot like me too. We were two of the only parents who walked our kids right to the door in the morning. Most parents just drop them off from the parking lot and let them walk to the entrance on their own. I always like to take that extra step to ensure Michelle made it in. Overprotective PTSD Mom that I am. Michelle would really miss her friend over the Summer but I told her they could always have a play date. And she would be coming to her birthday party. After I sent the invitations her Mom texted me right away. I appreciated that. Some people don't even bother to RSVP at all. At least some told me that they were away that weekend. I was glad a few could make it at least. It's tough having a Summer birthday. It looked as though having the kid party in June wasn't much better than July anyway. But at least it would be over with and then I would just have to have the family party her real birthday weekend.<br />
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A selfie of all of us on a "People Mover" at Ribfest. It was my first time ever riding in a golf cart! (Yeah I don't play golf. Mini-putt was as close as I got.) Last year we had planned on heading to Ribfest but didn't get to go because it poured rain. This year the weather was beautiful so we took advantage and went. When we parked the car there were golf carts to take you into the event. Michelle was excited. I was a little nervous about her riding in the back like that but we weren't going very fast. I wound up riding shot gun with the guy. I managed to catch this selfie with all of us in it. I think it might have been my second or third attempt. "Everyone lean in so I can see you!" Perfect! We were ready for a day of fun. Michelle was looking forward to the rides. Reggie was anxious to play the games. I was psyched for the cute photo ops. There was something for everyone! You never knew what might happen. One year when we went Michelle even got her photo in the newspaper!<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h0K46VvIS_w/XUJJS8Q2vPI/AAAAAAAAW-M/5df80Cm07AgUzYDxD6hXy-HQNu3OVp4_gCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6061.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1285" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h0K46VvIS_w/XUJJS8Q2vPI/AAAAAAAAW-M/5df80Cm07AgUzYDxD6hXy-HQNu3OVp4_gCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6061.JPG" width="257" /></a>If there was a flat surface anywhere to be found I was setting my camera up for a self-timed group shot. Selfies are cute but it's hard to fit everyone in that close up. May is never that enthused. "I don't have to be in it," she'd say, "I hate myself in pictures." I would assure her that yes she had to be in it. These were my souvenirs of a fun day together. All of us. I always loved spending time with May and the kids. Michelle loved visiting with them too, especially when we'd go on fun outings together. Mom never wanted to come because she doesn't like walking, or being outside in the sun. Actually she would hate just about every part of it! And there was a lot of standing around and waiting in line. This year we got there SUPER early. We were some of the first ones there. Unfortunately they hadn't even started the rides yet. Michelle, my little daredevil, wanted to go on the scariest rides.<br />
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"The drop zone? REALLY?!" Well actually I think it was called the Free Fall. Same idea though. I loved the Drop Zone when I tried it at Wonderland but it was scary even for me. You go up to the top of this big tower and then they just drop you. I thought it'd be a bit too extreme for Michelle but she wanted to try it and she met the height requirement so we gave it a go. She absolutely LOVED IT! It is a weird feeling to fall like that. Freefall. It's like that feeling of suspension on a rollercoaster when you're just about to plummet. That's all it is really. It's like skipping to the climax, the best part of riding a rollercoaster. I love that feeling. I'd love to go skydiving one day but it's so expensive and I would worry more now that I'm a Mom. I got Shannon to take photos and videos of Michelle and me on the Free Fall ride. It's strange considering that I'm wracked by anxiety over many things that I would subject myself to rides like this. It's different. That adrenaline rush is excitement rather than fear. There are times when having your heart race (a fun ride, falling in love) is exhilarating. Other times (when faced with danger/a threat/fear) it is unbearable, frightening. If only I could reframe those moments when I'm gripped by panic and think "This is exciting. I feel so alive!" but no. There are moments, like going to the dentist, or facing pressure or any unpleasant, stressful experience when it's just scary and not fun at all. May, Shannon and Reggie aren't fans of the scary rides. They don't go on them at all. I guess Michelle takes after me. She wanted to try them ALL!<br />
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Another group shot, a better one because this time you could see some of the colourful fair around us, the Ferris Wheel etc.<br />
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The sky was SO BLUE! A perfect cerulean blue. Not a single cloud in the sky. It was an absolutely perfect day. I was grateful for it because last year was rained out and the kids were so disappointed we couldn't even go. We still had a visit but just stayed at May's. It was hard to plan for outdoor events. We got so much rain these days you just never knew when your plans might be ruined. I love the colourful fair in the background. Michelle was wearing a multi-coloured dress to match. It was cute that Shannon and me both wound up wearing black, almost like we'd planned it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vVbjF9i9LV0/XUJJWsyOJrI/AAAAAAAAW-s/s6cR89sVZrUouyV22Dbt6MRVOc5xMFI3QCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6105.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1427" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vVbjF9i9LV0/XUJJWsyOJrI/AAAAAAAAW-s/s6cR89sVZrUouyV22Dbt6MRVOc5xMFI3QCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_6105.JPG" width="178" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kq6THygJVuA/XUJJWRkCGSI/AAAAAAAAW-k/_B72zJeupkYO6NEHkQFGNvkUYq5SG_lHQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6088.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1257" data-original-width="1600" height="156" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kq6THygJVuA/XUJJWRkCGSI/AAAAAAAAW-k/_B72zJeupkYO6NEHkQFGNvkUYq5SG_lHQCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_6088.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LnTyIkASZQU/XUJJWnSvygI/AAAAAAAAW-o/P3FPZB4kr0gCuY3M9LO_7OagnlA-yD-gwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6103.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1372" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LnTyIkASZQU/XUJJWnSvygI/AAAAAAAAW-o/P3FPZB4kr0gCuY3M9LO_7OagnlA-yD-gwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6103.JPG" width="274" /></a>I loved the huge colourful mural in front of the Fun House. Perfect photo op! I set up the self-timer to take a couple of group shots. We look tiny next to the gigantic painted figures. There is something kind of timeless about carnivals and fairs, the colours, sights and sounds, the rides and games. It feels like you're transported to another time. I remember being so excited as a kid to go to the CNE. In my 20s I was a huge fan of Canada's Wonderland. My boyfriend and me had Season's passes so we'd go several times. I loved the rides. Especially the rollercoasters. The Bat was my favourite. I miss Wonderland but it's just so expensive, so far to go and I wanted to wait until Michelle was old enough to ride on the big rides. Maybe she's at that point now judging by Ribfest. She was going on everything. Even BY HERSELF. (Some of the rides she WANTED to go on solo and it used up less tickets that way.)<br />
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A selfie from a Fun House mirror. I'm usually not a fan of mirror selfies where you SEE the camera because to me that's cheesy but sometimes it just works.<br />
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I love that you can see everything in the background, the Ferris Wheel and slide, all the people and colours. It's so full of life. A fair really is photo heaven. Michelle was excited to go through the Fun House. I was looking forward to all the photo ops. The glass and mirrored maze is disorienting as you go in. I reminded Michelle to keep her hands in front of her so she wouldn't smack her head like an unsuspecting bird flying into a window. We found our way through and made our way to the top where they have the distorted Fun House mirrors that shrink you down and stretch you out. Although this time somehow none of them seemed to be elongating.<br />
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A view from the top. I couldn't resist a photo of us from the balcony with all the rides in the background. The sun was behind us so the photo came out a little dark but I was able to reduce the shadows on our face afterward.<br />
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I am so grateful to get to share these memories and fun adventures with Michelle and having photos of them allows me to look back and relive it all. It has been a gift having time to spend with Michelle. I need these beautiful and happy moments to counteract the tough times and the difficult moments when I don't know how I'll keep going. Overall May and June were pretty good. It seemed like I was making positive changes. I was heading in the right direction. After so many difficult days maybe the hardest part was behind me. I had no idea what awaited me in July. I guess I should have known. You can never relax and think you're out of the woods. There is always another unpleasant surprise/unforeseen obstacle waiting around the corner.<br />
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A view from the sky! We all went on the Ferris Wheel but there were too many of us to sit in one car so it was just Michelle and me together. She does not have a fear of heights. She loves being up there. Even on the drop zone where you fall so quickly from the top to the bottom, she loved it. After us going on together she even wanted to go a second time all by herself. Some of the rides, like Avalanche, she only went on by herself. I didn't have enough tickets for me to go and she preferred going it alone anyway. I'd already spent a fortune on tickets. I got the maximum and still had to go back and buy more when we ran out. My girl couldn't get enough.<br />
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He was a tall drink of water! Of course we had to pose with the stilt walker. He was quite a character. So lively and happy. I was amazed how easily he could walk around on the stilts but I guess he'd done it long enough that it was second nature to him.<br />
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I can't imagine it myself. I can barely even walk in heels anymore. I rarely do. I can't believe I used to go out DANCING in high heels! I don't know how I ever kept my balance. My feet were always aching by the end of the night. Though I like the look of high heels they are WAY too uncomfortable and comfort wins out over style these days. Sometimes I'll see a woman teetering along on super high heels and I feel like asking "Is it really worth it?" Then again I guess it's different if you're young and single and trying to look your best. They are sexy. At this point in my life I'm like. "Meh. I can't be bothered!"<br />
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Creative multi-shot GOLD!<br />
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Michelle wanted an ice cream and I took the opportunity to sit the camera on the counter and get a shot of us. This random creative shot turned us and the whole scene into a drawing and it's SO COOL! I LOVE IT! I wish you could select the drawing option every time but it's random what filters come out in the multi-shots. Sometimes you get lucky. It's like we're in a living cartoon. So much colour in Michelle's dress and in the fair in the background.<br />
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Fun Slide! Ride the rainbow!<br />
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The Fun Slide only took one ticket so the kids went a couple of times. It was so high up to then slide down in a sack. Like riding a magic carpet down a rainbow! Oh to be a kid again! It did look pretty fun but I would have felt silly to go on it. Besides I wouldn't want to waste a ticket on me. I wanted Michelle to have all the fun. I was content to just stand and watch and photograph her joy and excitement. I am happiest when I'm behind the camera anyway. I have this obsessive need to capture it all. Every moment. I have to. It's just what I do. For years now this blog has given me a forum to share so many of my photos and happy memories with Michelle. There is A LOT. Hundreds of thousands of pictures. That's why every post takes so long. Encapsulating two months means sharing hundreds of photos.<br />
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Michelle was so proud of herself that she went on the Free Fall/drop zone ALL BY HERSELF! I couldn't believe it. She wasn't even 7 years old yet and she was going on a ride that even most grown ups would find scary.<br />
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It was far more nerve-wracking watching Michelle on the ride than being on it with her. I worry about her. It's my control freak/overprotective nature. It's hard for me to let go and let her do these things but I don't want to hold her back. I want her to live life to the fullest and try things and have fun but it's really hard letting her do it. Part of me just wants to keep her safe in a box and not let her do anything. But that's not really living. I don't want to live in fear like my Mom. My Mom has no desire to go anywhere or do anything. She never went on rides, never wanted to travel. She's never been on a plane. Michelle wants to do EVERYTHING.<br />
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Pepe minus the Pew!<br />
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It was so cute! An animal rescue booth had an adorable skunk with her scent glands removed. She was like a big fluffy black and white cat. I couldn't resist getting a photo of Michelle with the skunk. How often do you get to be THIS close to a skunk without being sprayed?!<br />
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Michelle even got to pet her. It was so cute. My sister was excited to see the skunk too and made sure she got a picture of Reggie with it.<br />
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Michelle loves animals so much, all kinds of animals. Any time there is a mammal or reptile or even insect petting zoo/meet and greet she is right in there.<br />
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What a sweetheart! Look at that face!<br />
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Sure skunks don't seem so cute when they are ripping open your garbage or spraying you with a foul smell but when you get to see them up close like this they are just adorable teddy bears. So sweet. You can't fault the little stinkers for the whole spray thing anyway. They only do it to protect themselves. It's an in-STINK-t to scare away potential threats. A lot of us do it in one way or another. I'm grateful I've never had a run in with a skunk. I've known people who did and it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get that smell out of a pet, your clothes, hair, home!<br />
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Look up, look WAY UP!<br />
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I let Michelle go on most of the rides herself, one because she wanted to and two because it used up less tickets and I'd already spent a small fortune on them. The one ride I really wanted to share in was the Ferris Wheel. So we went a couple of times. I love being up in the sky and looking down at the world below.<br />
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Fear is a strange thing. I don't know how we decide what is scary and what isn't. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm not. And yet I'm terrified of things that wouldn't bother other people at all. I've avoided certain things and places for almost two years because they scare/stress me out. And yet I can go on rides where I'm up in the sky and it's nothing to me. I guess it's all in our responses. Our brain tells us that certain things are threatening and that other things are fun/exciting. If only we could rewire our brains to think that everything is fun, an adventure. Then again the fight or flight mechanism was designed to protect us. Sometimes Fight or Flight is necessary for survival. But sometimes it isn't and it's too sensitive and it winds up controlling us and ruining our lives, limiting our world, preventing us from living life to the fullest. I don't want to be afraid but I also don't want to feel anxiety, stress, grief, anger. It's natural to avoid unpleasant things if you can. But sometimes you can't. And sometimes facing those demons is necessary to move on and to get stronger.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--Dja7AqiSog/XUJKQOpc-AI/AAAAAAAAXBg/TehkjxW7zMcPefu0LNk9AVgBgfbbflvvQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6268.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="910" data-original-width="1178" height="247" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--Dja7AqiSog/XUJKQOpc-AI/AAAAAAAAXBg/TehkjxW7zMcPefu0LNk9AVgBgfbbflvvQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6268.JPG" width="320" /></a>I can't remember what this one was called but Michelle wanted to go on alone which was fine because there weren't enough tickets for me to go with her anyway. Shannon and Reggie don't like rides so they didn't go on anything like this or the Avalanche or the Free Fall (drop zone type thing.) I like that Michelle is daring and wants to do exciting things. It also scares me. Even though I go on rides myself, it's more nerve-wracking to watch her on them. I want Michelle to enjoy things and live life to the fullest but it's also my instinct to protect her. It's tough to balance protectiveness and letting go. It's like when Michelle wanted to get her ears pierced. She was nervous but her desire outweighed her fear. And she went for it. And I allowed her even though it made me a nervous wreck. You can't live your life in fear hiding from everything that might hurt you. If you're not willing to take some risks, you will miss out. But part of me has been so hurt, so scared, so broken that it's natural to want to avoid ANYTHING and ANY PLACE that reminds me of that. Part of me just wants to hide in a magical world of rainbows and unicorns, and being Michelle's Mom allows me to do that to some degree. But I can't hide forever. Unpleasant realities and ghosts of the past are still there, put away in a closet, waiting for me to deal with them. I can't ignore them forever.<br />
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Princess photo op! Posing with Cinderella and Ariel is a must. They are two of my fave Disney princesses. Michelle's too. They were pretty good. Sometimes you see characters in costume and they look NOTHING like the actual character but these pretty ladies were close.<br />
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It was a long day. We were there for HOURS. Though I had covered Michelle and me in sunscreen we had sweated/rubbed some of it off. Michelle got a little pink. I got red. I was BURNED. My shoulders were the worst, one from carrying my purse. I was cursing myself that I'd worn an off the shoulder/spaghetti string top. I should have been in a t-shirt. I got a bit of a burn on my forehead too from sweating. It was just a lot of hours walking and standing in the blazing sun without a break. I was almost wishing there had been a couple of clouds in the sky. You wish for sunny days and then they come but it is possible to get TOO MUCH of a good thing.<br />
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I had run out of tickets. May gave Michelle some to go on the Ferris Wheel one last time with them but there wasn't enough for me to go too so I sat this one out. While I was waiting I met Buzz Lightyear and Ariel and, nerd that I am, asked if I could get a picture with them. You can't see how red I was here. Somehow it doesn't show up in the sun because it's too bright. When I went in I saw that I had patches of red. As red as a lobster. I had done a much better job of protecting Michelle. She was only slightly pink. I never worry as much about myself. I reapplied sunblock on my shoulders and started carrying my purse in my hands but it was too late anyway. The damage was done. At least we were leaving soon. It had been a fun day but a long one. My least fave part was lining up in the ENORMOUS line-up to get food. I didn't even get ribs. I got chicken, mac and cheese and corn bread to try it. I was wishing I'd gotten more corn bread. Michelle and me loved it. I'd only bought one as a sample.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f5vbEYZzJgw/XUJKTSSnwBI/AAAAAAAAXB8/BfgMxTCohRoVBCXydQy0-z1w0xZL_u1fQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6288.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1236" data-original-width="1600" height="247" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f5vbEYZzJgw/XUJKTSSnwBI/AAAAAAAAXB8/BfgMxTCohRoVBCXydQy0-z1w0xZL_u1fQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6288.JPG" width="320" /></a>In the parking lot we came across a jeep that was outfitted for a Zombie Apocalypse. I wasn't sure if they were joking or just a HUGE fan of the Walking Dead or if they really believed it was a possibility. Believe it or not there are apparently groups of people prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse as though it really might happen. I think of all the Apocalypses/Armageddons we might encounter, a zombie one is the least likely. I think there is a far greater danger from:<br />
1. Climate Change 2. Nuclear holocaust (especially with idiot Trump still in power #ImpeachTrump!) 3. Disease/Pandemic 4. Overpopulation/Starvation/Disappearing Biodiversity 5. AI Uprising/Robot Apocalypse. In general I try not to think about the Apocalypse too much because I can barely deal with the more mundane and immediate stresses in my own personal life.<br />
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Michelle REALLY wanted a hamster. I was half-hoping she'd forget about the whole thing but no such luck. Especially when we would go to May's for a visit and she would see Caramel, Reggie's hamster again. She continued to ask me and I kept giving her the same answer. "Maybe. We'll see." One time she said she needed a yes or no answer. I told her no then. Then she decided maybe was better. I told her that it was contingent on her behaviour. She had to prove that she was mature and responsible enough to have a pet. Reggie was a couple of years older than her and even he didn't do all the work. My sister made sure Caramel was fed and she cleaned the cage. All Reggie had to do was play with the hamster. Michelle claimed she was going to do ALL THE WORK. I sort of knew that the control freak in me wouldn't allow that anyway because she might not do it or may not do things the right way (aka MY way!) so I'd wind up doing it myself to be sure. I'd heard of kids begging for pets (especially dogs) and promising that they would do EVERYTHING -- walking the dog, cleaning up the poop etc. Then they get the dog and lo and behold, the novelty wears off, the kids forget or can't be bothered and dad is useless and 9 times out of 10 it's MOM who winds up doing everything. Even if Mom didn't want the dog. Somehow most responsibilities in a household fall on Mom's shoulders. Dads may do a couple of things but more often than not it is Mom who does it all, especially when it comes to caring, cleaning, nurturing etc. Of course in my case I'm on my own so I have to do literally everything. I wasn't looking forward to the idea of cleaning out a hamster cage. Cleaning out Ali's litter box is already my LEAST favourite chore. At least hamster poo is tiny. But there can be a LOT of it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HFyDLmfk_sk/XUJKitj1VFI/AAAAAAAAXCk/nfKh779EUR8Z92nkJneALCyy_s7wveWaACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6342.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HFyDLmfk_sk/XUJKitj1VFI/AAAAAAAAXCk/nfKh779EUR8Z92nkJneALCyy_s7wveWaACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6342.JPG" width="240" /></a>Stopping for ice cream at the mall. It literally NEVER gets old. When I was a kid, Mom never took us for ice cream. Not even one damn time. She dragged us around shopping malls where we'd be hungry, thirsty, tired and bored and never rewarded us with anything. She said it was too expensive to get food when you're out. The most we could hope for was coming across a drinking fountain outside a public bathroom so we could have a drink of water. Or once she bought little fold-able cups to keep in her purse so we could drink tap water if we were desperate. As a kid everything was no. I literally never got anything I wanted. It was discouraging. It made me feel powerless, helpless, like I didn't matter, my needs would never be met. So yes I spoil Michelle a little (a lot?!) giving her just about everything she wants, within budget and within reason, because I grew up in a place of NO and I want to give her a place of YES. As a result she feels unconditionally loved and safe and special. Michelle is a lucky little girl. I give her the childhood I wish I'd had. All the love and attention she could want. She knows that she matters, that her needs (and wants) will be met. As a result she is far more confident, happy and healthy than I ever was. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zq9xs6ieEug/XUJLHbjw1KI/AAAAAAAAXDE/JBEgAGzuqJY1XO6wLvjqTM2IyN1R6R3cgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6355.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1169" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zq9xs6ieEug/XUJLHbjw1KI/AAAAAAAAXDE/JBEgAGzuqJY1XO6wLvjqTM2IyN1R6R3cgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6355.JPG" width="232" /></a>I try to do the best I can for Michelle. Always. Of course my Mom would just say that I'm spoiling her to death. I don't think you can spoil a kid with too much love and happiness. I still try to teach her responsibility and the value of things but to me, if something is within my power why not give it to her to make her happy? Life is too short not to enjoy every moment you can. There is plenty of time for unpleasantness, drudgery and disappointment when she grows up. Let me assure you: Rejection and denial as a child did not make me a stronger person. It made me an insecure one. Through therapy I have learned so much about myself, my own negative thought patterns and a lot of them developed in my childhood. The lessons you learn, the life experiences you have in childhood set you up for the rest of your life. That's why it is so important to raise a child with love, nurturing, support and encouragement. A child needs to feel unconditionally loved and safe. I never really had that. My Mom did her best but somehow I grew up never feeling good enough. While it pushed me to try harder and be my best (the type A) it also set up a pattern of insecurity/low self-esteem. No amount of achievement or awards could counteract the inner sense of worthlessness I felt. My Mom's negativity and my dad's lack of attention made me feel like I wasn't really loved, didn't matter and that nothing I could do would be good enough. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7Hnj-fvnl_o/XUJLSRpWsFI/AAAAAAAAXDM/1qMZra5h3WgF3-gknZchMKKOQfopEfJ6ACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6358.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1531" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7Hnj-fvnl_o/XUJLSRpWsFI/AAAAAAAAXDM/1qMZra5h3WgF3-gknZchMKKOQfopEfJ6ACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6358.JPG" width="305" /></a>So yes, I had some issues that stemmed from childhood, long before my breakdown as an adult. In fact, if it weren't for those issues, a lot of things would have been different. I would have made different choices. I may not have been drawn to relationships with men (boys) that would hurt me. If I knew that I deserved to be loved and to be happy, perhaps I would have been, instead of setting myself up to fail with tragic/broken boys. I may not have wound up in a career that would (at least partly) destroy me. Again, setting myself up to fail. Why did I get myself into toxic situations time and again and stay in them WAY TOO LONG?! Because I was a glutton for punishment? Because I never felt good enough? Because I didn't realize that I deserved better? What might my life had been if I knew that I deserved to be happy instead of just suffering and never feeling good enough? I don't know. Of course you don't get to go back and live your life over and do everything differently. One small change would change everything else. The Butterfly Effect. To change even one small moment in the past could unravel everything. What would my life have been like if I had learned to love myself and believed that I deserved to be happy? I would have made a LOT of different choices. Ultimately however, even if I could go back I wouldn't. Despite the difficulties and setbacks, the truth is that I am still glad I ended up here, as Michelle's Mom. I wouldn't undo the heartbreaks, the mistakes, the missteps. Because it all, in its weird and winding way, bumps and all led me HERE. So I am grateful even for my self-sabotaging and reckless choices because they set me on this path and I got the sweetest little girl in the world out of it. </div>
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THE LAST DAY?! It couldn't be. But it was. Somehow another school year had gone by. Michelle, my baby, was FINISHED GRADE ONE! It was the last day of school and it was going to be a hectic one. It actually made my head spin thinking about it. We had been invited to a last day of school pool party, which was great except that tonight was also Michelle's PIANO RECITAL! (?!) So basically I had to pick Michelle up, hurry home, grab a quick snack, get changed for the pool (put on our swimsuits and get slathered in sunscreen), head to the party for an hour or two, get home and shower quickly and get dressed up for the recital. Michelle was a little nervous but mostly excited. She was going to be singing as well as playing piano in her recital. She'd picked the song "Hot Air Balloon" and when she was playing it at home she sang along. I suggested she should sing it at the recital. She was reluctant at first but then agreed. I was so excited for her. But I was also extremely stressed about a busy day. </div>
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The LAST DAY! Of course it's Murphy's Law that if something CAN go wrong, it WILL! We were already in a hurry to get home and then I wasn't even allowed to pick Michelle up. No one could pick their kids up. Some kid had pulled the fire alarm at the last minute as a joke. The stunt backfired. Instead of getting to leave early the kids had to stay LONGER. Yes they evacuated the school, as in a fire drill, but then they had to wait for the fire department to check out the entire building before the kids could go back in and get their backpacks and go home. It was not ideal. One Mom said she'd ordered a pizza and now she wouldn't even be home to get it in time. Michelle and me had to change for the pool. But at least her friend's Mom having the party would also be running late. We got Michelle's stuff, said goodbye to her friends and her classroom and left. Goodbye Grade One! I asked Michelle to give me a nice smile and this is what she did.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KNgg6iFRA6M/XUJMSwwPw9I/AAAAAAAAXEM/rBzf4MJxMCk1LSgIkyOrSjp00ZPErBBJwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6388.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KNgg6iFRA6M/XUJMSwwPw9I/AAAAAAAAXEM/rBzf4MJxMCk1LSgIkyOrSjp00ZPErBBJwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6388.JPG" width="320" /></a>It was a perfect day for a pool party. It was a SCORCHER! Most of the other Moms were just sitting and chatting while their kids played in the pool but control freak that I am I had to be in there with Michelle. Plus it was refreshing being in the cool water. Michelle wanted to stay of course (I knew it would be hard to tear her away) but I reminded her that we had to get ready for her piano recital. She definitely didn't want to miss that. I felt better when a couple of other parents and kids left before us so I didn't have to feel like we were the first ones to go. We had a really good excuse to make our exit. Her friend's Mom was so nice and invited us to come over and use the pool anytime we wanted, even when they were away. It was very nice but I'd never have the nerve to do that!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VGcvw8yGUAU/XUJMSHF46TI/AAAAAAAAXEE/c4peDJds-fcJ3ltGbr0SPIF1Up4Ge7-QQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6392.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VGcvw8yGUAU/XUJMSHF46TI/AAAAAAAAXEE/c4peDJds-fcJ3ltGbr0SPIF1Up4Ge7-QQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6392.JPG" width="320" /></a>I did eventually feel comfortable to leave Michelle in the pool (I was still watching her like a hawk) while I sat and chatted with the grown ups. They were talking about grade two teachers etc. I really didn't know anything about any of them. I hoped Michelle would get a nice teacher and would have her best friends in her class. But those are things you can't control and I didn't want to think about grade two! We had just gotten through grade one. Michelle and me had fun. We swam for a bit, had a few snacks (PIZZA! YAY!) and then headed home to shower and change for her concert. A very busy day!<br />
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Michelle picked out a beautiful white and pale pink flower ruffle dress for her recital. I was so proud of my girl. We still managed to get there early enough to get a seat at the very front. I wanted to get photos and video of her at the piano.<br />
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Piano had been my other dream as a child, one I never got to pursue. Some of my friends had piano lessons and they would complain about it. I kept thinking how lucky they were. Mom just always said we couldn't afford it. It made me feel like I wasn't important. I never got to do anything I wanted. My dreams weren't encouraged and supported. My wants and needs didn't matter. That's why I wanted to give that to Michelle, although financially it was a stretch and logistically I didn't know how I'd do it, I made the effort because she wanted it and I wanted to give her that. She was doing really well and I was so proud of her.<br />
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I remember through her lessons there were times she got frustrated. She would look at her homework and the music for a song seemed so complicated. She'd say "I can't do this!" I'd tell her to keep trying, keep practicing and eventually she could do it. Sometimes she would wind up loving the song so much she'd play it over and over until she had it memorized. Sometimes she even changed the song a little, playing it her own way. Her teacher called this "transposing" the song. Michelle could read music. That was something I had never learned to do. I could strum guitar chords because a friend had taught me but I never learned how to read music.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gtajzVVCGMw/XUJMTzYVGEI/AAAAAAAAXEc/cwxfk8rhUTA2XioypzAaxQeSl5jyOfqNwCLcBGAs/s1600/piano%2Brecital.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gtajzVVCGMw/XUJMTzYVGEI/AAAAAAAAXEc/cwxfk8rhUTA2XioypzAaxQeSl5jyOfqNwCLcBGAs/s320/piano%2Brecital.jpg" width="320" /></a>Michelle was nervous but excited. This wasn't her first time. She had done the winter concert. Plus she had danced on stage which I thought would be much more nerve-wracking. She said dancing was easier because even though it was a bigger audience and she was up on stage, she wasn't alone. She had her classmates with her. Also the bright lights on her cast the audience in darkness, so she couldn't see them. At the piano recital, in a church, you could see everyone looking at you. And you were afraid of making a mistake.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/MKetVtfX4uY/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/MKetVtfX4uY?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>I recorded her performance on video and put it on Youtube. I was kicking myself that the first few seconds are blurry! Because I'm getting old my eyes are changing. Now I have to put on READING GLASSES to see close up. I couldn't even see what was on the camera screen when I started to record. Luckily I zoomed in on her and when I did she became clear.<br />
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I was SO PROUD OF MICHELLE! My little girl playing and singing "Hot Air Balloon." It's a lovely song. My heart was soaring. All of my sacrifices were worth it. I am so glad I could give her this. Michelle loves music and it is one of the best gifts I could give her.<br />
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The weekend after school ended would be hectic/stressful/crazy. I had planned Michelle's birthday party with her friends for that weekend. (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!) When we had her birthday in late July half the people couldn't make it so I figured we'd catch them in late June before they have a chance to go anywhere. But some people still do go away, right after school. So some still couldn't make it. Others never even RSVP-d (I will never understand that! ALWAYS RSVP whether or not you're coming so they know ASAP!) Michelle decided this time she was inviting girls only. It was a Princess themed party so it made sense. Also boys can be a bit wild. Michelle made beautiful adorable chocolate cupcakes and I made a Princess Castle rainbow bit cake.<br />
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I still had the castle cake pan from a previous birthday, when she was much younger so it was great to use it again. I was having the party at home. I was happy that I had found a pink and purple bouncy castle that would match perfectly. When I first looked into bouncy castles they were like $300 but I found one that was almost half price ($170). The name of the company was literally "Affordable Bouncy Castles." It sounded too good to be true but I booked it online on my credit card, a month ahead. I emailed the guy to ask questions. He seemed nice enough. It was all settled. They would show up at 11 am in the morning to set it up and take it down at 5 pm. I thought maybe I might even try jumping in it once the kids were gone. The party was only going to be a couple of hours. I'd never been in a bouncy castle before. Michelle was so excited about the castle arriving. She wanted to go in it right away when it got there. I told her not to over-exert herself before the party. It was a hot day.<br />
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As a worrier/control freak there were many things that scared me about getting a bouncy castle for the party. I worried that it would RAIN and we wouldn't even get to use it. It rained so often you just never knew one day to the next and it was hard to plan something a month in advance. I worried that someone might get HURT. Sometimes kids collided as they were jumping around. I didn't want any hospital visits! My Mom worried that it might "blow away" -- there had been stories on the news of bouncy castles taking off, but I think that was in a tornado zone and it hadn't been properly staked. I wasn't really worried about it blowing away. The one thing I really didn't worry about, that I hadn't even considered was the castle just NOT EVEN SHOWING UP!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qDU0DSI6fko/XUmsKNwvmlI/AAAAAAAAXQQ/ugdBhwHtzHsmo5L8YPiBS-oifslnYvVXACLcBGAs/s1600/bouncy%2Bcastle.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="454" height="197" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qDU0DSI6fko/XUmsKNwvmlI/AAAAAAAAXQQ/ugdBhwHtzHsmo5L8YPiBS-oifslnYvVXACLcBGAs/s320/bouncy%2Bcastle.png" width="320" /></a>When 11:00 a.m. rolled around and the castle was not there, I thought, OK. They're running a little late. (Sh)it happens. By 11:05 I started to worry a little. Control freak that I am, I called the guy just to be sure. It went straight to voicemail. I'd give it a few more minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. Then I emailed him. No response. Then I texted his cell. No response. My anxiety was increasing by the minute. By 11:30 I was kind of a basket case. Sure the party didn't start until 1 pm but he didn't know that. He was supposed to be there by ELEVEN. I tried calling again and again. Straight to voicemail. My messages went from a polite "Hi. Sorry just checking that you're on your way...? Please let me know." until finally (by 12 pm when he STILL HADN'T SHOWN UP) I left a frantic and angry "Yeah hi. Me again. COULD YOU PLEASE GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY. This is unacceptable. The party is starting soon and I don't know what to think. At least let me know if something happened?" I was a wreck. My heart was pounding. I was pacing the floor. This could not be happening. What a cruel joke. I didn't know what to do. I had built the whole party around a bouncy castle that WASN'T THERE. I had been STOOD UP BY A BOUNCY CASTLE?! WHY THOUGH?! I couldn't even REACH THE GUY for crying out loud! He wouldn't even take my calls?! Honestly. HOW DO YOU GET GHOSTED BY A FRIGGIN BOUNCY CASTLE?! Good Lord. This could only happen to me! (Or do these things happen to everyone? I don't know. People get ghosted but usually not like this.) By 12:30 pm it was obvious, this guy was a no show. I couldn't fathom how ANYONE could be that rude. How do you deliberately ruin a kid's birthday party? How do you take someone's money for a product/service and just NOT DELIVER IT? AT ALL! And NOT EVEN TAKE THEIR CALLS?! Not a single word of apology or explanation. Maybe something happened to the guy. Maybe he died. At this point death was the only explanation/excuse I would accept. I called my sister. She thought maybe someone else offered him more money to use it for that weekend and he just thought, screw me, he'd take the extra cash and ignore my calls. Who cares if my daughter's heart is broken? Why keep a promise? Why run a legitimate business? Why show any class or accountability or human decency when you can be a scheming opportunistic vulture and screw innocent people over to make an extra buck? It was beyond frustrating. No reply to calls or texts or emails. No excuse. No story. What could he say? He couldn't tell me the truth and didn't want to lie so he just avoided me like the plague. Coward. (A familiar scenario for me let me tell you!) I didn't know what to think. I noticed he had raised the price on his website. Now it was $200 instead of $170. At this writing he has raised the price AGAIN, now to $250. So it's not so "affordable" anyway. Maybe because I'd ordered it a month ahead of time at the lower price he didn't want to give it to me for that? Or maybe there WAS NO BOUNCY CASTLE AT ALL. Maybe it was all made up! It looked like a legit site. "Book online" though you'll never see it. The whole thing was maybe just an illusion/scam where they take your money and yet get nothing? It was so stupid. "Affordable Bouncy Castles" that aren't even affordable. And considering that he DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP it should be FREE! What an a-hole. It was absolutely infuriating. After all my talk of vultures and scammers and then I get scammed? Or what? What excuse could he possibly have? Was he in an accident? Was he dead or in jail? Passed out drunk? Was it just one guy? He didn't have a back up? Someone else to deliver in case of an emergency? How do you run a business like that? Or maybe it wasn't a real business at all. Just a scam. In any event he obviously wasn't coming. I called and left a message saying if I don't hear from you in the next five minutes I have to assume this was a fraud/scam and I will be calling Mastercard and the police immediately. He NEVER DID GET BACK TO ME. What was I going to do? I thought the girls would be outside playing and now I had nothing to entertain them! The gazebo I had for Michelle's party last year had broken in a storm. I scrambled to put out a little princess tent and the rainbow tent in the backyard. It wasn't a bouncy castle but it was better than nothing. I had bottles of bubble stuff they could play with. Then I remembered I had a bunch of dollar store toys etc. They could play the unwrapping game that I had planned before I decided on the bouncy castle. You have never seen a woman wrap presents so fast! Last minute, frantically trying to throw it together. I was like a madwoman wrapping layer after layer of toys. I ran out of tape. I had to use thick tape. I ran out of paper. I had to stretch it and improvise. Somehow I got it done in time for the party. My heart was pounding. The bouncy castle not showing up would not be the only disappointment that day. One of Michelle's friends who was supposed to be coming was also a no-show. I was surprised because I had just seen one of the parents who assured me their child could make it. So I texted. Turns out they HADN'T EVEN PAID ATTENTION TO THE DATE! They assumed it was late JULY not June because Michelle's birthday was in July not June, close to their own daughter's birthday which they knew from last year's party. They felt bad. I said no worries, that's the least of my worries at this point. Bouncy castle no show. Friend no show. One unpleasant surprise after another.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h5sOLOZ33gA/XUkKse_5UuI/AAAAAAAAXFk/bmUiJH5iP0UzPvsvIthkaZ8KwE0LgO0FgCLcBGAs/s1600/kid%2Bparty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1160" data-original-width="1600" height="231" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h5sOLOZ33gA/XUkKse_5UuI/AAAAAAAAXFk/bmUiJH5iP0UzPvsvIthkaZ8KwE0LgO0FgCLcBGAs/s320/kid%2Bparty.jpg" width="320" /></a>Despite all the setbacks Michelle and her friends still had fun at the party. It didn't go as planned but we made do. The kids enjoyed the musical unwrap gift game. I was glad that I had those dollar store toys and craft things to use. I still couldn't believe how ignorant that bouncy castle guy was to NOT SHOW and NOT EVEN CALL OR TEXT BACK to explain or apologize. Then again I had been ghosted in the worst way by someone who claimed to love me so why not a stranger who didn't care about me at all? I just can't fathom how people can be so incredibly inconsiderate/careless/thoughtless/rude. Some people have ZERO sense of responsibility/accountability. Some people have no conscience whatsoever. Heartless creeps. Sniveling cowards. A real man would be there no matter what and if he couldn't be he would at least have the decency to explain himself and apologize. He would MAKE AMENDS. But real men are in short supply. Most guys are just stupid, reckless boys (even into old age sometimes). You can't trust them as far as you can throw them. And you should throw them. Or just avoid them entirely. Don't count on them for anything because YOU CAN'T. (Please no hate mail. Yes I am aware there are actually a couple of decent honest human males out there but too few to mention! And you guys are the exception, not the rule. Yes we wish there were more like you!)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sjXwU9JxhHc/XUkKsRuu0lI/AAAAAAAAXFg/wGl-qe6JntYw1TxbYax1QONQORcscvJIwCLcBGAs/s1600/kid%2Bparty%2BIII.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1228" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sjXwU9JxhHc/XUkKsRuu0lI/AAAAAAAAXFg/wGl-qe6JntYw1TxbYax1QONQORcscvJIwCLcBGAs/s320/kid%2Bparty%2BIII.jpg" width="245" /></a>A couple of the Moms stayed for the party. It was nice to have someone to vent to though I was mostly embarrassed about the whole thing. For a control freak, having something beyond my control go wrong was kind of torture. Here I was worried it was going to RAIN. Like that would be the worst thing that could happen. Instead it's a sunny day and the dang castle just NEVER ARRIVES! One friend suggested I let HER call the idiotic evil a-hole Bouncy Castle guy's cell. Maybe he had me blocked or was avoiding my calls but she'd see if she could get through. Nope. Her call went straight to voicemail too. You just could not reach this guy. No matter who you were. Maybe he'd gone away for the weekend and thought to hell with anyone's orders. Or like my sister said, someone offered him more money. Or there wasn't even a bouncy castle at all. He just took the money and ran. I couldn't wait to call Mastercard and the police the instant the party was over to get it sorted out. I tried to stop stewing over it. There was nothing I could do at this point. The kids chased bubbles for a while in the yard. Oh to be a kid and be amused by simple things like chasing bubbles. My bubble had already burst! I still couldn't believe the stupid bouncy castle never showed. My nerves were shot. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry. It's her party and I'll cry if I want to! I held it together while people were there anyway. I was grateful to them for listening to me. They were very kind.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qrLJJZqINHQ/XUkKsmHfgiI/AAAAAAAAXFo/alLxgzfdUg8QMfEsQMSFAzBSbdZTDj8QwCLcBGAs/s1600/kid%2Bparty%2BII.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1490" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qrLJJZqINHQ/XUkKsmHfgiI/AAAAAAAAXFo/alLxgzfdUg8QMfEsQMSFAzBSbdZTDj8QwCLcBGAs/s320/kid%2Bparty%2BII.jpg" width="297" /></a>I couldn't enjoy Michelle's party at all. I was too stressed. Too upset. I am not a fan of things I can't control and this was one of them. You can't control some stupid random guy's behaviour. You can't make him be a man and do the right thing. You can't make him explain himself or apologize. The guy never did call back, or text or email. NADA. Not a word. Not a peep. WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAPPEN TO ME?! (Or does it happen to everyone? I don't know. I don't get out much!)<br />
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"This too shall pass." The saying is true. No matter what it is, it won't last. Time passes. Two hours passed. The kids had fun. I did not. But either way, the time went by. The party was over. It didn't go as planned (not even close!) but we got through it. I was grateful for that at least. Michelle had been a little disappointed but I was FAR more upset than she was. The other Moms were very understanding and supportive. They helped me to feel a little better. I was still a mess though. Stressed, angry, disappointed, hurt. And I couldn't wait to call Mastercard.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EHfpeaHWFDU/XUkLFRImsmI/AAAAAAAAXGA/3VJCHKoIVOoViLvT3w8KnH6AStHy-hINgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6474.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline !important; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1406" data-original-width="1600" height="281" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EHfpeaHWFDU/XUkLFRImsmI/AAAAAAAAXGA/3VJCHKoIVOoViLvT3w8KnH6AStHy-hINgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6474.JPG" width="320" /></a>As soon as the party was over I called Mastercard to report the fraud and have the charges taken off. To my surprise, I HADN'T BEEN CHARGED?! Not for the deposit (made a month ago) and not for the balance (which was to be charged today.) So the a-hole hadn't shown up but at least I wasn't out the money? Weird. What did he get out of this then? The satisfaction of ruining a 7 year old girl's party? The delight of tormenting a control freak Mom who is already in therapy? WHY THOUGH?! I don't know. I never did get an answer. I guess I should be glad in a way. The bouncy castle might have been disastrous. A kid may have gotten hurt or gotten heat stroke. And by him not showing up it had actually saved me $170. Still it was a HUGE disappointment. It ruined Michelle's party and stressed me TF out! At least I didn't have to call the police to report a fraud because I wasn't out the money. I had just been EXTREMELY inconvenienced, disappointed. I was going to report it to the Better Business Bureau but then that seemed like a hassle too when I tried. I figured I'd just let karma deal with the a-hole, whatever his deal was. At least I wasn't out any money. I heard a quote once that you never really lose anything. You either WIN or you LEARN. Every experience has value. I guess. But there are some lessons it's REALLY unpleasant to learn. Or relearn...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XCkui83PZhc/XUkLFBXIRPI/AAAAAAAAXF8/XFibD_gFH9wwJu3Z4jDyiZDjvgyIyl9yQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6475.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1180" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XCkui83PZhc/XUkLFBXIRPI/AAAAAAAAXF8/XFibD_gFH9wwJu3Z4jDyiZDjvgyIyl9yQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6475.JPG" width="235" /></a>Now that the party was over and I'd made my phone calls and I could finally take a breath, I just sank to the floor and cried. I bawled my eyes out for a while. It was a relief, a release because I'd been tied in knots during the party and now I could let it out. I try to make everything perfect for Michelle. I never want her to be disappointed. Her party had been ruined (well she still had fun but it was NOT how the day was supposed to go) and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't go back in time and do something else. We never know how things will turn out. We can have the best intentions. We can make plans but then people/life/events can let us down. The most ridiculous and random things can happen. And there's nothing we can do about it. I called my sister afterward to vent. I always feel better talking to her. She always puts things in perspective. I told her I guess I have no right to whine about a bouncy castle not showing up when there are people that have lost everything in a flood. There are people going through so much. It's all relative. No matter how bad a day you think you're having, someone somewhere is going through a LOT worse. My sister said she couldn't blame me for being upset. She said that that would be her worst nightmare. She said when she orders a cake or a birthday party plan or anything she calls the day before and the day of to check, double check and triple check that they have her order in case it gets lost. She is always paranoid that somehow they will forget or lose her order or something. Even though she has NEVER had happen what just happened to me she actually WORRIES about it! I guess I should have too! I thought I was a worrier but not enough. There was something I didn't even think to worry about. Something so stupid I didn't even think of it. "What if the guy just NEVER SHOWS UP WITH THE CASTLE?!"<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZwpndnS7jsQ/XUkLFIbj9mI/AAAAAAAAXF4/0HTSt9wHp7Mg5Sgl9kLHyOL8fK9Q0CqMwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6476.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1251" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZwpndnS7jsQ/XUkLFIbj9mI/AAAAAAAAXF4/0HTSt9wHp7Mg5Sgl9kLHyOL8fK9Q0CqMwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6476.JPG" width="249" /></a>I didn't realize May was even more of a control freak than I was. Maybe I was a slacker! Maybe I should have called the day before and the morning of like she does to make EXTRA sure they were coming (although it may not have made a difference if the guy was just an a-hole and he wasn't showing up regardless.) Of all the things I worried about -- bad weather or someone getting hurt in the bouncy castle -- the castle JUST NEVER SHOWING UP wasn't really even one of them. I didn't even realize that was a possibility. I know now. I would literally NEVER order a service like that from a fly by night company again. I should have known better I guess. Caveat emptor. Let the buyer beware. It's ironic that after a post about my hatred for vultures/opportunists/scammers I get taken in by one. Although I wasn't actually out anything financially. I hadn't even been charged. It was just the HUGE inconvenience and disappointment of planning a party and having the MAIN THING I based the party around NOT SHOW UP. It still boggles my mind. I did feel better after talking to May. Somehow she can ALWAYS make me laugh no matter what is going on. She is the BEST. Thank God for her. Best sister and best friend EVER!<br />
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After the party fiasco we needed to take our minds off of the things we couldn't control (or at least I did!) so we planned a beach day. Michelle wanted to wear her fave rainbow tankini. She even put a little lipstick on. Sigh. She's a diva already. She LOVES dressing up and wearing makeup and heels and she's only TURNING SEVEN YEARS OLD! Imagine when she's 17! I try not to think about it. I hear from everyone that the teen years are a nightmare. Michelle promised me she is going to be a "nice teenager" like Shannon. A good girl who doesn't get into trouble. A sweet family girl who spends quality time with loved ones and isn't glued to her cellphone every second. A responsible girl who does well in school. Yes Shannon is a lovely role model. But she is also shy and quiet and a very different personality from Michelle. Michelle is very outgoing and a bit of a daredevil in some ways so I worry that she may get into trouble. Of course I will always be there to try to protect her. I just hope she appreciates my love and attentiveness rather than resenting me or fighting me on it. I told her she can't promise how she will be in the future because it's unknown. No one knows how they're going to feel or what they may do in another 6 months let alone another 6 years. But I hope she always strives to stay my sweet girl.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ijNmLL_aBNs/XUkLcUsfpPI/AAAAAAAAXGU/1S25mcqSM5crPJ39bHpKLniU0Kg_02dDgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6491.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1435" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ijNmLL_aBNs/XUkLcUsfpPI/AAAAAAAAXGU/1S25mcqSM5crPJ39bHpKLniU0Kg_02dDgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6491.JPG" width="287" /></a>The palm trees were BACK! Every Summer they replant them. Sometimes late May, other times not until June. I guess it depends on the weather and other factors. I never tire of seeing them.<br />
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Of all the beaches this one remains my fave because where else in CANADA can you sit underneath a palm tree at the beach? Yes I would love to go on vacations to tropical islands -- Mexico, Fiji, St Lucia, Hawaii -- but that's really not in the cards or the budget. At least I can make the drive to a local beach with beautiful palm trees. I always make Michelle pose with me by the palm trees because it's a MUST PHOTO OP! Luckily there is a counter where you can rent surfboards etc so I use that to sit the camera on for a self-timed shot. Or occasionally a kind stranger will offer to take our photo. Selfies are just too close to try to get the scenery in. My friend gave me a selfie stick before she went away (knowing what a photoholic I am!) but it's a bit awkward to use and it still isn't far enough away to get a proper shot.<br />
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In the pink! Literally! This floatie was a gift from a stranger last year. A couple of teenaged girls were leaving the beach and asked Michelle if she wanted their pink floaties because they didn't want to bring them home. It was very sweet. There have been a few times people have randomly given Michelle stuff. People just love her. Even perfect strangers. I suppose I shouldn't be letting her think it's OK to take gifts from strangers but as long as I'm there and it seems safe and I approve!<br />
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Michelle had fun floating in the water. It was ICE COLD. She tried to get me to go in but I wasn't having it. I have a hard time getting right into the water even when it's NOT sub-zero. Although the weather had been very hot the water hadn't had enough time to warm up after a long, cold, brutal winter. Even just going in up to my ankles hurt. My ankles were NUMB. I didn't know how Michelle could stand it but granted she is a lot tougher than me.<br />
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Leave it to Michelle to make a friend literally EVERYWHERE we go. She met another nice little girl her age who also happened to be in a pink floatie. They got along famously. Now I didn't have to worry about her trying to coax me into the water with her. I could watch her safely from the shore without getting hypothermia. I told her not to go too far out. Although the water is very shallow, even going out for several meters I still don't like her being that far away from me. And I really didn't want to have to go in after her. I had to remind her a few times. "Stay close to the shore!"<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x_3vpNGPMoM/XUkMMJ8EwJI/AAAAAAAAXG4/2dQuWPJNeowY9QztyQw9e0cF8BVVi9GYQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6561.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1420" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x_3vpNGPMoM/XUkMMJ8EwJI/AAAAAAAAXG4/2dQuWPJNeowY9QztyQw9e0cF8BVVi9GYQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6561.JPG" width="281" /></a>We got a shot from the steps of the restaurant. It was a nice backdrop with the palm trees and the beach. Often you can't get a shot there because there are too many people coming and going, sometimes even line ups of people waiting to go in. I took advantage of the lull to get a selfie of us.<br />
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It was a nice day at the beach. Sitting on the sand, in the sun, listening to the waves, the seagulls and the white noise of kids playing on the beach helped me to relax and forget about the stress and the mess of the party from Hell. I still couldn't get over how inconsiderate, irresponsible and cruel a guy could be but I've seen the worst so I don't know why it even surprises me. At the risk of sounding misandrous, MEN SUCK! You just can't trust them. Yes there may be a few nice ones, honest, respectable, reliable ones but they are the EXCEPTION not the rule. As a rule you can pretty much expect men to let you down. It's almost a given. So I figure I just won't expect anything from any of them, like ever.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wuFRqZ7vZVk/XUkM0iszscI/AAAAAAAAXHk/aCCAZtvzXnMplNqvKeswI-3Wr7zC4zJowCLcBGAs/s1600/Image-1%2B%25289%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="956" data-original-width="716" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wuFRqZ7vZVk/XUkM0iszscI/AAAAAAAAXHk/aCCAZtvzXnMplNqvKeswI-3Wr7zC4zJowCLcBGAs/s320/Image-1%2B%25289%2529.jpg" width="239" /></a>And just like that, it was JULY! ALREADY?! Canada Day! We were celebrating with Auntie May. Shannon's camera had a special Canada Day filter that helped us to look and feel even more patriotic. Yes we are wearing matching Canada Day shirts because I am a total nerd. Michelle went the extra mile and had a Canada Day hat and even a Canada Beanie Baby bear. He's a classic.<br />
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So yeah. This post was supposed to be about May and June but since we're into AUGUST now and since this is my last hurrah and very last post ever I might as well include some of the cute/funny/sweet moments in July as well. There were a few of them. July also had some God-awful, catastrophic, disturbing, terrible, yucky wish-you-could-forget-them moments. But thankfully I don't have (too many) photos of them. Maybe just one or two. I want to focus on the good stuff. Canada Day was pretty good.<br />
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Michelle didn't get her birthday party bouncy castle but at least she got to jump in some bouncy castles on Canada Day and it didn't cost $170! So all's well that ends well.<br />
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It was very crowded. A cast of thousands in the park for the fireworks. We claimed our little spot on the grass. It was a nice evening, not too hot once the sun went down. I actually started to get a little chilly. Michelle was excited for the fireworks. At least this year I had the sense to pack plenty of snacks so we wouldn't get hungry during the long wait.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_177YZ7oBz8/XUkNhc8L-jI/AAAAAAAAXIc/aF3-8gK_-ps_xKTvBZ4JvTvVuqLg_m-JACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6947.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1560" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_177YZ7oBz8/XUkNhc8L-jI/AAAAAAAAXIc/aF3-8gK_-ps_xKTvBZ4JvTvVuqLg_m-JACLcBGAs/s200/IMG_6947.JPG" width="195" /></a>MICHELLE LEARNED TO SWIM! She was so excited. I was excited for her. She had been trying time and again but then we were at the beach one day and she finally got it! She dog paddled a few strokes. She told me to time her. First she could only go a few seconds, then 10 seconds. Then 20 seconds. Soon she got up to over 30 seconds. It was a start. With practice she'd get better and better. I had thought about getting her swimming lessons but now she had learned on her own! Swimming is a huge milestone. My father never did learn to swim. He drowned when he was younger so naturally he's afraid of the water and doesn't even try to go in.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n4h_Vm6QSuE/XUkNsB3gWwI/AAAAAAAAXIg/FpWGraT4R2MWq-PWf7Vl2eILDAJWwNO0wCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6972.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1165" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n4h_Vm6QSuE/XUkNsB3gWwI/AAAAAAAAXIg/FpWGraT4R2MWq-PWf7Vl2eILDAJWwNO0wCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_6972.JPG" width="232" /></a>Took Michelle to the dentist for the first time. She was a little nervous but she did great. They all made a fuss of her in the dentist's office. They commented on how polite and friendly she was. The dental hygienist said Michelle is extremely mature. She acts and talks like a 12 year old rather than a soon to be 7 year old. She enjoyed watching SpongeBob on the TV there. She only had one small cavity which we'd have to come back to fill but she was great even for that. She wasn't even nervous and said it didn't even hurt. She's such a good kid. I'm glad she's so brave and resilient. It's always a huge compliment to me when people say what a great kid she is. Raising her entirely on my own I know that I had a little something to do with that! Sure, some of it is her own beautiful inner nature but some of it is also that she has a Mama who loves her more than life, who does all that she can to make Michelle feel safe and loved and supported and encouraged, who helps her to believe in herself and know that she can do anything. </div>
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My sweet girl. I am so proud of her. Sure I may spoil her a little but she really isn't spoiled. She appreciates everything. And she is kind and caring and respectful. But yeah she does get almost everything she wants, within reason. These high gladiator type sandals were to die for. How could I not get them for her when she asked? And they were on sale. OK I was mostly a recovered shopaholic when it came to resisting shopping for myself but as far as buying things for her, it was really hard for me to say no. I want her to be happy and I remember being a kid and never getting anything I wanted. It made me feel powerless and unimportant. My Mom would use the excuse that they couldn't afford it and she had four kids and blah blah blah. Yeah, I know. Regardless, I want to give Michelle the childhood I wished I'd had. Where she gets endless love and attention and praise. Where she knows she matters and is good enough and deserves to be happy. And deserves to be pampered and to have nice things. </div>
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July started off OK but it got ugly real fast. In some ways that I can't even get into it was a total MINDFUCK! It's like the universe was messing with me. Some of it I suppose I brought on myself. I had been feeling stronger. It seems like any time I start to almost think "I got this" something will cut me off at the knees, knock the wind out of my sails, prove to me that I SO DON'T GOT THIS! Because my psychological assessment in June had gone so well, the powers that be decided I was ready for the next step. Unfortunately the next step was going to mean re-traumatizing me, forcing me to confront my past, my demons and the place that broke me. It was a cruel sort of exposure therapy. And it was happening REALLY SOON. So much for gradual. I still question the logic. Like if someone has a phobia of scorpions, should you really just suddenly THROW THEM into a pit of scorpions and go "Here you go! See how you do!"?! If someone drowns and finally gets over their fear of the ocean (mostly by avoiding it) should you celebrate it by forcing them to go to the beach? Or to use the camel analogy (I wrote a post "The Last Straw" where I basically compared myself to a camel...) If the camel with the broken back, who carried 1000 lbs for 1000 miles only to have her back broken by that LAST STRAW, finally starts to heal -- after a year and a half of therapy and self-care and massages, she finally starts to feel stronger -- should you start loading her up with straw again?! Should you keep piling it on? And you promise the burden won't be as great and the journey won't be as long but maybe she's afraid of the straw because YOU ALREADY BROKE HER and part of her DOESN'T EVER WANT TO GO BACK?! OK this is weird and I didn't even want to get into this but I have to at least touch on it. July was so messed up. It was such a slap in the face. I thought I was OK or starting to be OK and then I wasn't. But no one seemed to care. I felt stronger when I was in MY SAFE PLACE. I was HOME. I had SELF-CARE. I was AVOIDING THE BAD THINGS. If you pluck me out of my safe place, force me to go back to my worst nightmare, take away my self-care and everything that was making me stronger, force me to confront everything I didn't want to face then NO I AM NOT STRONG. I AM NOT BETTER. I am fragile and frightened and falling apart. The irony was that if I took my psychological assessment now, ALL MY ANSWERS WOULD BE DIFFERENT! (Well, Donald Duck would never be my fave poet, but I wasn't sleeping, all my PTSD symptoms had returned, I was tied in knots, falling apart, messed up!) I was not ready. I was NOT OK.<br />
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How do I even explain how bad it was? OK so one day I get this dreaded phone call which was basically akin to a bomb dropping. The powers that be exerting their power. I was told there would be next steps but that they would be gradual and then I get a phone call that's just like, "OK face your monsters, demons, ghosts and worst nightmares in 2 weeks! At least you have a couple of weeks to prepare!" The phone call about "the meeting from Hell" felt like a death sentence, counting down to my doom. I was totally stressed out the whole day worrying about it. I had plans to see my Mom that day. I was a mess. I couldn't even think straight. By the evening when I was heading home I was scratching my neck. I didn't think too much of it. When I got home and looked in the mirror I gasped. I was COVERED IN HIVES. My entire neck and chest was red and raw. I had never had hives in my entire life but that's what these looked like and they were itchy as HELL. I couldn't sleep because of the itch and nothing helped. Not Benadryl or calamine lotion or aloe vera or anything. I went to two pharmacies trying to get something but nothing helped. Even the pharmacist was like "Oh. That's a bad case of hives." And I'm sure they've seen it ALL! It was ghastly. My skin was on fire. </div>
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A day later my doctor called that they could squeeze me in for an appointment. In tears I explained what I had been through, why I was so stressed. She could see for herself how bad the rash was. She suggested that if the meeting was stressing me out to the point that I'd broken out in HIVES that maybe I shouldn't go. She wrote a note asking them to relocate/cancel or postpone the meeting since it was causing me a HUGE amount of distress. The powers that be were merciless. I was having my cruel torturous exposure therapy come Hell or high water. I was obligated to go. My therapist said she'd work with me to try to prepare me. I would make a few trips to the neighbourhood (I literally hadn't set foot in the city since my last day a year and a half ago) to get me ready for the meeting. I didn't want to do it. I wanted no part of it. I didn't feel ready. "You may never feel ready" my counselor said. It would always be scary. This was apparently all natural. "It's normal for your symptoms of PTSD to return." Oh great, I'm glad it's normal. I'm relieved that my torment is just par for the course. It was all so ridiculous to me. I was supposed to be stronger. I WAS feeling better but that was because I was in a safe place AVOIDING the things and the places that broke me. Now that they were sending me back there I was decidedly NOT OK. I was falling apart. I was a mess. Now I was back to not sleeping, nightmares, twitches, jittery jumpiness on top of the itchy hives. The anger and the anxiety, the fight or flight, it was all back. My body was literally saying "We're in danger!" and reacting accordingly. But no one seemed to give a damn. It felt like no one was in my corner. They were ignoring my distress. They were still going to make me go through it. July had more cruel and unpleasant surprises waiting for me but I can't even get into that. It would take another whole blog post and this is too long as it is. And I don't even want to relive it. This is excruciating. I didn't even want to mention the hives and now I'm typing all this. This is why I have to stop the blog. Once I get started, stuff spills out and it shouldn't. I wanted this to be a happy blog about my baby girl, not rehashing my own psychological issues. Suffice it to say July was a God damned fucking nightmare for me. It was also horrible for most of my family since the most insane, random awful things were happening to everyone. But then again the whole world is falling apart so nothing should be surprising anymore.<br />
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There was so much ugliness. Darkness. Memories of pain and despair. I needed an escape. I needed beauty. I needed beauty almost as much as I needed sleep, needed to relax, needed to take a moment to breathe. I hadn't just lost my zen. My zen had been ANNIHILATED. There was no hope of me meditating or doing yoga or anything. I wanted to run away. I tried running one day with Michelle riding her bike alongside me and it was a disaster. She fell off her bike and was crying and we decided it just didn't work. Never again. I couldn't run away from this nightmare. It was coming for me. Then one day I needed cheering up and put some butterfly ornaments in the garden. All of a sudden a beautiful butterfly came to say hello. I got a photo because that's what I do. Michelle asked if we could try to catch her. I told her what happened with Riley was a miracle and we couldn't expect it to happen again. But then it DID. </div>
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Yes somehow against all odds and defying logic, we had ANOTHER pet butterfly. This time she was a Red Admiral Butterfly and Michelle named her Olivia. She stayed on Michelle's finger and let herself be carried into our house. I couldn't believe it. It was such a pleasant surprise and I really needed one of those. </div>
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I love this photo of Michelle with Olivia. She was so happy. We didn't know how long we would get to keep her. We might have to let her go like Riley. We didn't know if she was a baby and had just been born or if she was middle aged or elderly. Butterflies don't live very long and how can you tell where they are in their life cycle? All we knew was that seeing her and getting to spend time with her was a gift and we were going to cherish it for as long as it lasted. Olivia seemed to be able to fly quite well and yet she also seemed content to just stay with Michelle. It was strange. Michelle really does have a magnetic personality. All creatures are drawn to her. </div>
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Michelle had fun setting up a little butterfly hotel for Olivia. (One of her Happy Places doll houses.) It was adorable. Olivia actually sat on the couch and the bed. It was amazing. I got a bunch of pictures. Our cat Ali, once again was oblivious to our winged house guest. She left us alone. She was off napping in the hallway while we sat with the Olivia in the family room.<br />
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I dug out some of the flowers from the garden, the ones Olivia had been feeding on because obviously she liked those. Michelle asked if we could keep her. I said as long as she seemed happy but we would have to let her go if she was trying to get out, flying at the window etc. She was really docile and seemed to enjoy the little house. It was adorable.<br />
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I gave Olivia some fruit as well as the flowers to give her a variety of food. She seemed to be doing OK.<br />
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But she didn't last very long. She didn't try to fly to the window like Riley. Instead she stopped flying at all. She got very still. A few times I thought she was dead but then she would move slightly. Finally she stopped moving at all. It was heartbreaking. Once again I was crying over an insect. This was worse than losing Riley because at least Riley's life was just beginning and we got to see her rise up to the sky to freedom. Olivia may have been old. Watching her die was so sad. Life is heartbreaking. Nothing is permanent but impermanence. Life keeps trying to show me this and I keep resisting. Michelle wanted to keep Olivia forever so I got a shadow box to keep her in. Even in death I couldn't bear to put a pin through her so I got a piece of tape and very gently placed her body onto it and it stayed. I added a couple of leaves and dried flowers.<br />
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Olivia had been so sweet, so friendly. She stayed on Michelle's hand and on her head band. She stayed in her little house. We kept her in the bathroom at night and then Michelle was excited to see her in the morning. And then without warning she just sort of stopped. Like a wind up toy that just slowed down and became still. I took Olivia's death much harder than Michelle. I figured it was probably a good experience for her, to see the life cycle. To understand that nothing lasts, that life is fragile. To experience a taste of grief, disappointment. To see death first hand. Michelle is resilient and she bounced back. Unfortunately I was already in a really rough place and I had been through the ringer emotionally so THE LAST THING I needed was another heartbreak. It was all just too much. I felt too fragile to deal with anything. Olivia was supposed to cheer me up and help me to forget the dark places I had to go. Now she was just another reminder of the darkness that inevitably claims everyone and everything. I cried and cried.<br />
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Ironically if I had the psychological assessment at that point, all my answers would have been different. (I get enough rest -- VERY FALSE. I am miserable -- VERY TRUE etc.) My symptoms of anxiety and depression were back, WITH A VENGEANCE. I was falling apart. Sure there had been a point where I was actually feeling better, stronger, more in control of my life but I lost it. Everything was different now. Now I felt helpless and scared, unable to cope with anything. Now I had no self-care, no time to myself, no friend to talk to every day, no morning runs, no massages, on top of that I had no sleep, the stress of facing my demons and one crushing disappointment or unpleasant surprise after another. Olivia had been the one bright spot, one beautiful surprise in an otherwise horrid week/month and then she died unexpectedly and it was like "For FUCK'S SAKE can something NICE happen for a change?! Can I catch a break? Can I experience SOMETHING PLEASANT that doesn't turn to shit, that doesn't become bleak too because I've had my fill of BLEAK for now thanks! I'm all stocked up on BLEAK in here!" It was Hell. I still couldn't sleep. (And sleep deprivation makes EVERYTHING seem worse.) My rash still hadn't gone away. And now I was crying over butterflies again. God help me.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8Kea12zoq1c/XUkPrKQCjTI/AAAAAAAAXJs/Bgm8L6SZYmEOyv_g6C6Fl7S2WJXgqRhHQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7152.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1287" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8Kea12zoq1c/XUkPrKQCjTI/AAAAAAAAXJs/Bgm8L6SZYmEOyv_g6C6Fl7S2WJXgqRhHQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_7152.JPG" width="257" /></a>Life goes on. Michelle dressed in black but she wasn't exactly mourning anymore. She is a LOT stronger than me. Michelle will find her bright side, no matter what. She can cheer herself up. The world is still and always a beautiful, magical place to her. She dressed up in a black dress with a black fan and walked around like the glamorous diva she is. So I took advantage of the opportunity to snap a few photos and she didn't fight me on it. She is my Princess. She is stronger than me. She is happier than me. She sees the beauty and magic of life a lot better than I do. And while she may feel a little down or shed a tear or two here and there, she bounces back so quickly because her irrepressible spirit simply can't be kept down for too long. I am in awe of her. Mama is not quite so resilient. Mama can be knocked down. And July seemed to keep doing it. Things already felt bad but would go from bad to worse. And I can't even tell you. I still don't even believe some of the crap I had to deal with. A cruel joke.<br />
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Since we couldn't really take advantage of the weather (I didn't want to get a sunburn especially on top of my rash so we were mostly staying in) I figured I'd make the most of a bad situation and get Michelle's room done. We had talked about painting her bedroom. She wanted a hamster but we needed a place to put him/her after we got it. Michelle needed a desk. We needed to reorganize her room and I figured I might as well paint it too. Maybe once her room was pink and purple and had a hamster she'd actually WANT to sleep in her own room. We went to IKEA to look for a desk. I wore a top that mostly covered my rash. We saw an exhibit called "IKEA last straw." But it was about drinking straws rather than camels' backs. It was meant to deter people from using straws. It was a collection of millions (billions?) of them inside glass. I'm still not sure how collecting that many straws was saving the environment. Maybe they thought if they use every straw in the world for the exhibit there would be none left for people to use? </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mS-8o9cQIeI/XUkQrcQ65HI/AAAAAAAAXKY/76rHEQVVr7o4VM-XEbCBX6SPNFBxNuDRACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7201.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1342" data-original-width="1600" height="268" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mS-8o9cQIeI/XUkQrcQ65HI/AAAAAAAAXKY/76rHEQVVr7o4VM-XEbCBX6SPNFBxNuDRACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_7201.JPG" width="320" /></a>I had one therapist that I met in an office and one that I saw at home or often met on the road. These days I would meet her along the Highway to Hell to prepare for the dreaded "Meeting." We took a little road trip. My therapist/life coach really had her work cut out for her these days because I was in a really bad place with the meeting coming up and she had to try to get me ready to face my fears. At least Michelle was with me for the journey. On the way we stopped at one of my old fave stores. It was pouring rain but then the sun came out (or SEVERAL SUNS!) so we walked around and looked at the different sculptures. I broke down in tears talking to my therapist. I still felt betrayed that I was being forced to go through this and it's like everyone was in on it. At least my doctor had advocated for me, not that it did any good. Everyone else was pushing for me to face those demons. I just wanted to run away.<br />
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I don't want to live in fear, just running away from and avoiding everything stressful, hiding from life. But at the same time I don't want to put myself back in a toxic situation. I stayed in relationships and even a career that were bad for me. I stayed a LONG LONG TIME. I ignored so many red flags. Sometimes you're so deep in a bad situation that you can't even see it clearly. Some women stay in abusive relationships for years. It's easy for someone to say "Why didn't she know better? Why didn't she get out?" But it changes you. You feel trapped. You can't even see a way out. And if you don't really believe in yourself and you don't realize that you deserve better, you just put up with it. You let yourself be torn down again and again until there's nothing left and you're too paralyzed to run away even if you wanted to. Then you FINALLY snap. You finally LEAVE. You finally reach your breaking point and say FUCK. THIS. SHIT. And you go to therapy and you try to heal and you realize that your life has value and that you need to take better care of yourself. You go through all that. And you start to feel healthier, stronger. And then they tell you, to go back to him. Give him another chance. He's changed. It will be different this time. I tried explaining to my therapist using so many analogies. I don't want to go back to that dark place. Or anything like it. She said that it WILL be different. I will not be returning to the same position. But it's the same field. There will be overlap. It's so hard to know what to do. Part of me wants to just run away and never look back. But I invested so many years and part of me doesn't want to give it all up, or burn bridges. I don't know what to do and it's terrifying and I don't feel ready to even deal with it. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ebg02EVcClM/XVDwmifEYxI/AAAAAAAAXWY/AOoRdL1uYMU20cY04-crdB_rBDiOMEoAQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7194.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ebg02EVcClM/XVDwmifEYxI/AAAAAAAAXWY/AOoRdL1uYMU20cY04-crdB_rBDiOMEoAQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_7194.JPG" width="320" /></a>I needed to keep my mind off things so keeping busy redoing Michelle's room was just what the doctor ordered. It was a HUGE undertaking to move everything in Michelle's room away from the wall to paint. Michelle LOVED helping me paint. She said it was the most fun ever. I was unfortunately NOT having any fun. I was beyond exhausted and found the painting tedious and awful but I was thrilled with the results once it was done. I couldn't wait to see her room come together. She had chosen the colours -- pink and purple, the typical little girl Princess room colours. I loved it. Once we had all her toys set up it was just an EXPLOSION of life and colour. She had so many cute and pretty things. I got new shelves to organize her toys and books as well. She LOVED her new room. </div>
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Nothing but the tooth! Michelle had another wiggly tooth and was excited when it came out. Once again she wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy and was able to negotiate to keep her tooth and still get a toonie. I love this shot of Michelle with her new gap-toothed smile.<br />
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Unfortunately even the new paint job and pretty new things wasn't enough to make Michelle sleep in her room. Not yet. Maybe once we got the hamster because then she wouldn't be alone. My brave girl wasn't afraid of too many things but she was still afraid of the dark and didn't want to be alone in her room. I told her I would never force her and would wait until she was ready but I was hoping that would be before she was a teenager! Fine thing if I'd gone to all this work and expense to give her the room of her dreams and she STILL wouldn't sleep in it. At least all the home reno work was keeping me busy because I needed to keep my mind of the horrors I was going to be facing. The meeting. The future. Exposure therapy. My worst fears.<br />
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It was an emotional month. One thing after another. I don't want to focus on the bad things. I want to focus on the happy moments. Michelle helped me through the bad times. She was there with me. Along for the ride during my trip down memory lane. So many memories. I cried so many tears. I thought I was all cried out and then there were more. I felt physically and emotionally drained. In the midst of it I got an email from my cousin. Her dad wasn't doing well. He wanted to see my dad. Could I bring him for a visit? Of course. It was good to see my Zio. It had been years. Him and dad were able to catch up while I talked to my cousin. She's a sweetheart and such a strong lady. She's been through Hell and back and still keeps going. As I talked she said we had a lot in common. She had been a single Mom for many years too. She said I've done a great job with Michelle. Everyone made a fuss of her. Michelle wanted to come along for the visit with my dad and me. Michelle is a ray of sunshine everywhere she goes.<br />
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We had our annual Wasaga Beach family trip. It was a beautiful day. It had been overcast and rained a little on the way there but thankfully the sun came out for us to have a lovely day swimming. The beach was a fraction of the size it used to be. Some parts of the beach were gone. Climate change in action. The world is changing. What can we do? Stay calm and adapt? Try to save it? It's scary sometimes. The world is changing. We can't ignore it. No matter what we have to cherish every day. It is all so fragile.<br />
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My brother Mike got a new puppy. Adorable! Michelle would love to have a dog but that's not in the cards. She'll have to settle for our cat, the occasional butterfly and, after her birthday, a hamster. Dogs are just WAY too high maintenance. It's like having a baby. With fur. We're not going there. But they are cute to visit now and then. I love this picture of Michelle holding the new puppy who will soon be a huge dog able to knock her over.<br />
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We had a nice visit with Mike and May. I was quite relieved that C and X couldn't make it. Apparently they had a rough July too. C had an accident at work and sliced his hand so bad he had to have an operation and couldn't drive or work for 6 weeks. I joked that maybe it was the guilt of stealing that subconsciously made him do it. It's biblical: "If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off." No. It was just a weird, random, awful month for just about everyone. My therapist nodded and said Mercury was in retrograde. Terrible things were happening to everyone. The whole planet seemed to be off. I hoped things would be better in August.<br />
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Somehow we made it to the end of the month. Michelle had already had her kid party so now it was just the family celebration. I was relieved that she wanted a store bought cake since I wasn't feeling up to doing another castle cake and squeezing out billions of globs of icing. </div>
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My hives were mostly gone. I started getting a little bit of sleep. I was trying not to panic too much about the upcoming developments on the career front. My therapist said to view it all as another experiment. See what happens. You can't hide from and avoid your demons. It's better to face them and take away their power. </div>
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In some ways, therapy is like becoming a butterfly. You are in this cocoon of self-care. This period of hibernation where you are protected but then you reach a point where you have done all the growing you need to do and it's time to take flight. It's terrifying to break out of your safe, cozy little chrysalis. It feels like the end of the world. You want to stay where it's safe. You want to hide. But that's not living. You have to get out there and spread your wings. And you don't know how it's going to go. And there are risks. You could get hurt. You have to learn to fly. You're not strong at first. You may fall. But you don't get to stay in the cocoon. You don't get to stay a caterpillar. Even if you could, it wouldn't be right.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jaMr_BhpfPM/XUkWEcuMhEI/AAAAAAAAXNw/BagHmLnddR8D5YFo1d3jOs9ta3RIJ0vKQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7442.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1295" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jaMr_BhpfPM/XUkWEcuMhEI/AAAAAAAAXNw/BagHmLnddR8D5YFo1d3jOs9ta3RIJ0vKQCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_7442.JPG" width="161" /></a>Avoidance was my go to for so long. I wanted to just unicorn and rainbow the crap out of everything. Just ignore the bad stuff. Just avoid everything that stressed me out or upset me. But life will never be all unicorns and rainbows. The bad stuff doesn't go away, even if you ignore it.<br />
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My therapist compared it to shoving things in a<br />
closet. All the stuff you don't want to look at, don't want to deal with. Skeletons in the closet. Clutter. Mess. Mistakes. Uncomfortable realities. Past demons. You just stash it all in this closet and you close the door and try to forget about it. Except it's not gone. It's still there. And one day you will have to open that closet and everything is going to come spilling out and it's going to be overwhelming. But until you deal with it, it will always be there. The monsters stay monsters until you face them. Your fears will always have power over you until you disarm them. Until you confront them. I have a journal that says "Grow through what you go through." The only way out is through. I knew that but I still didn't want to do it. I would have avoided it forever. Except they won't let me. And they think I'm ready.<br />
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Sometimes I wish there was a knight in shining armour to rescue me. Some magical unicorn deus ex machina to make everything better. Some unforeseen happily ever after. Except that there's not. I have to save myself. I have to be my own hero. No one has my back. I have to take care of myself.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dpOL1NLeNtE/XUmzESQgnhI/AAAAAAAAXQY/7IGdblPm-W821yKYz9-EMIFuqVvkPL3vACLcBGAs/s1600/Daniel%2BGarmin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="375" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dpOL1NLeNtE/XUmzESQgnhI/AAAAAAAAXQY/7IGdblPm-W821yKYz9-EMIFuqVvkPL3vACLcBGAs/s320/Daniel%2BGarmin.jpg" width="240" /></a>Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention! There is actually a new man in my life...sort of. My baby brother Mike introduced me to him. His name is Daniel and he's British. He's really good with directions. OK he's not a man exactly. Just the disembodied robot voice of a GPS! When Mike got a new car that comes with built-in navigation he gave me his old GPS unit. It is still VERY modern to me. I am resistant to technology (I will avoid it until someone gives me one of their fancy gadgets once it's obsolete to them!) so it took a while for me to even find the courage to hook it (I mean HIM) up in the car but it/he came in quite handy when I had to go somewhere I wasn't used to. Daniel is the perfect boyfriend actually: He leaves you alone when you don't need him but turn him on and he's there for you! Of course he can be a little annoying prattling on about turning left in 350 meters and all but if you're lost, he's got your back. We sometimes disagree. He'll suggest a route that I really don't like so I'll go my own way instead (a man can't boss me around after all! I'm used to being in control!) He doesn't argue. He just recalculates and we still get to our destination. It's like a compromise. (If only real men did that when you disagreed with them. Just said "recalculating" and let you have your way! LOL That's how relationships should be. Instead of couples bickering in the car and not wanting to ask directions. I suppose GPS solves a lot of those arguments at least. I was still old school. I have PAPER maps. And I check Google maps. But it is 2019 so I guess I should try to embrace robotics somewhat. Though I still low-key fear an AI Apocalypse. Stephen Hawking warned us it was coming and he was a genius.) But yeah, Daniel is a great guy. I just wish he came with a volume control. I couldn't find it. But it is sort of adorable the way he mispronounces certain street names. And I like how he says "Gate" abruptly and lingers on "Trail" as if he's trailing off. It's kind of witty. And I like the British accent. Michelle calls him "Clank" because sometimes he falls off the window with a bit of a clank. A little saliva puts him back in his place! LOL </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0cRm8WA1qpw/XUmzrRawQJI/AAAAAAAAXQg/o5fq1Bguqic-b5JHgPlzb4i2u9HhlOyTACLcBGAs/s1600/I%2527m%2Blost.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="179" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0cRm8WA1qpw/XUmzrRawQJI/AAAAAAAAXQg/o5fq1Bguqic-b5JHgPlzb4i2u9HhlOyTACLcBGAs/s320/I%2527m%2Blost.jpg" width="320" /></a>Sadly (or happily) Daniel the GPS is as close as I'm likely to get to having a boyfriend. It's been so long now (7 years!?! Back in the day I never went more than 7 minutes without a boyfriend. I'd jump straight from one bad relationship to a worse one. Frying pan to fire. Yeah. It was a trip. But not anymore. No thank you. Never again. Michelle keeps me safe and out of trouble because I would NEVER put her in harm's way. No jerks allowed. And lets face it there are a LOT of jerks out there.)<br />
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As I've mentioned before, from what I see of the "dating scene" I want no part of it! It's even worse than I remembered. Aside from a couple of creepy stalkers, would-be online paramours (one who wanted to marry me and fly me to Dubai supposedly!) there hasn't been anyone. Though I did have a couple of old flames contact me too... Some wanted to be friends. Some wanted to be friends with benefits. No thanks. No way. No day. I'm going through enough. Not interested in being toyed with. Not one iota. Bottom line is I would never allow someone into my life that wouldn't be a good father for Michelle. So that pretty much rules everyone out. The online stalkers/romance scammers are something else though. They flatter you. You're so beautiful, blah blah blah. Sure it is nice to hear but I take it with more than a grain of salt. You can usually tell the scambots right away. They have a name followed by a series of numbers, like they're not even capable of original thought. They speak in broken English. (Then again even the POTUS can't type to save his life.) Sometimes they use fake celebrity photos or other stolen photos. They'll start with hi how are you and it's downhill from there. I just nip it in the bud immediately. I have no time or patience for BS. I stop them in their tracks by saying "Oh really. So you're Ryan Reynolds? With a secret squirrel unverified account? K... so send me a photo of yourself holding up today's newspaper or holding your driver's license. Yeah. Proof of identity. Failure to do so will result in me knowing you're a phony and telling you to get a fucking life. Preferably your OWN next time. Tootles!" Of course they would never be able to provide such a photo. Then I'd never hear from them again. Go figure. Or they would chastise me, in broken English, for doubting their veracity. Yeah. OK. Seriously I really don't understand why people pretend to be someone else. What do they want? Most are likely just scammers but some seem like they're just lonely or something? Why waste all that time pretending to be someone else? I don't know. Some create a fake identity and live a lie for years. What do they hope to gain? I've heard of people being in online catfish relationships for years at a stretch. I mean I don't GET IT. You can shut them down in under a DAY. Just do the tiniest bit of research. Admittedly one almost had me fooled. There was one guy who almost seemed legit. He wasn't a celebrity or anything. He wasn't even that attractive. Just a pleasant guy next door type based on the photos. He seemed nice enough. He wasn't asking for anything. Just wanted to talk. He was extremely flattering. He looked forward to my messages. And I enjoyed it too. It was an ego boost. It was sort of nice. I thought it was harmless enough. Then one day it just seemed a little off. I got suspicious. I did a reverse image search and found they were stolen images using different names. I still don't understand what these creeps hope to get. I'm not rich or famous or anything. Just a struggling single Mom. Some guys think because you're a single Mom you'll be desperate for male attention? Dude I've gone SEVEN YEARS without a guy and I can go another 7 or 70 (if I could live that long! LOL) if I have to. I am managing on my own. Sure sometimes it'd be nice to have a guy to do more than help me drive to my destination. It'd be nice to play Scrabble and watch movies and go on outings as a family. It'd be nice to have a guy to mow the lawn and put out the garbage for a change! But I am fine on my own and until/unless I meet the second coming of Jesus/Superman, I am not interested. A guy would have to be a Saint for me to even consider it. It's so hard to trust. I keep hearing about guys who seemed like good guys and even THEY are corrupt so it's very discouraging. For now, I'll stick to Daniel. It's nice to know he's there for me if I need him. I do lack a sense of direction and I can get lost sometimes.</div>
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Recently there has been some disturbing male attention that is one of the reasons I'm pulling the plug on the blog. I never say where I live online, just in case. But I guess if someone really wants to find you they will. I started getting calls from private numbers where they just say nothing and hang up. I have cars go by my house slowly, late at night. I've had weird stuff happen that gives me nightmares. I've had disturbing emails. I've had enough. No thank you. I'm done. Thanks for the nightmares! I don't need this crap. And it may not all be related. Some of it could be coincidence. I could just be paranoid. (Sometimes you're just paranoid. Sometimes they really ARE out to get you! How can you KNOW?!) But there have been some other disturbing events lately that have me on high alert even more. My doors are always locked. Now I check even more. Just when I was starting to feel a little more calm and felt I could let my guard down somewhat, someone steals my peace from me again. I gave up even trying to meditate. No hope of getting my zen back. Can't let my guard down. PTSD symptoms are back with a vengeance.</div>
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And there is part of me that thinks, even if there was a good guy out there, how would I ever be able to trust him? I'd push him away. I think if he was a really good guy he'd care enough to be patient. He'd understand why it's difficult for me. He'd respect my boundaries and work within them. He'd go slowly and build my trust gradually. He'd prove himself, time and again. But it's not like there's any chance of my meeting anyone anyway. I'm shy and never speak to anyone unless spoken to. I don't trust anyone online. I'd never date online again. I don't have a social life or a way of meeting people. So yeah, not really in the cards. But it's fine because I don't feel like I <i>need </i>a man in my life the way I used to. What I always felt I needed was love. But my love for Michelle is far more true, more meaningful and all-encompassing than anything I ever had in any other relationship. So on the love front, I'm good.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dg1EtM0HyuI/XUkWmlP8bPI/AAAAAAAAXOg/ET61Fi7EHCMPYIQHbGa-U2-IxwhFowrwgCLcBGAs/s1600/Butterfly%2BConservatory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1510" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dg1EtM0HyuI/XUkWmlP8bPI/AAAAAAAAXOg/ET61Fi7EHCMPYIQHbGa-U2-IxwhFowrwgCLcBGAs/s320/Butterfly%2BConservatory.jpg" width="301" /></a>It all comes back to butterflies. After a somewhat terrible day I decided to cheer us (well mostly ME) up with a trip to the Butterfly Conservatory. Beauty heals. Beauty saves. Beauty is our glimpse of Heaven on Earth and I NEED IT. Especially when life gets ugly as it did in July.<br />
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Once again, Michelle made some lovely winged friends. One of them, a blue morpho but more beige than blue, wouldn't leave her. It stayed on her for over an hour. Butterflies love Michelle. Everyone loves Michelle. Of course no one loves her as much as I do. I am so grateful for my girl. For all of July's terrible moments (and there were many) I got to enjoy some wonderful times with my girl. She is and always will be the best thing in my life. I am so grateful for her. Beyond words.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MrjD-HoKQWE/XUkWnHeH_8I/AAAAAAAAXOk/kWEbVjtnJiQwCMDzzvgWSSomQHDA_lczQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7614.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MrjD-HoKQWE/XUkWnHeH_8I/AAAAAAAAXOk/kWEbVjtnJiQwCMDzzvgWSSomQHDA_lczQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_7614.JPG" width="320" /></a>Man, this is tough. This post has taken me forever to do. It's a rough one. It didn't quite turn out as planned (DOES ANYTHING?!) I never intended it to take so long. We're halfway through August now which makes it more difficult. The more time goes by then the more photos I have that I want to include and at first I wasn't even going to get into July and now I'm into August and this is ridiculous. The blog used to be enjoyable for me. A hobby. A passion. Now it's like a chore. And not even a pleasant chore. On the fun scale now it's right up there with cleaning toilets or cleaning out Ali's litter box. But the silly thing is no one is asking me to do to it! Quite the opposite. Everyone is telling me not to. And now even the universe is waving some MASSIVE red flags saying STOP THIS NOW! HOW MUCH MORE OF A SIGN DO YOU NEED? </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e36Uil2xq5Y/XUzxoEFI1AI/AAAAAAAAXUE/JAcstwMPHmkwvT20CdGaGFbOrSeMU_2sQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7615.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e36Uil2xq5Y/XUzxoEFI1AI/AAAAAAAAXUE/JAcstwMPHmkwvT20CdGaGFbOrSeMU_2sQCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_7615.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
And still it's hard to let go. Because for better and worse this has been a big part of my life. It is a habit and I have felt compelled to keep it up. But I do have to let this go. This one more for the road post is killing me though. I will be relieved when it's done. I don't even know if it's coherent. It's kind of all over the place. And the irony is that even with all these photos and all my writing there is still so much left unsaid. So much I can't even bring myself to say. So much that I've been through that I can't even bear to relive. I want to focus on the happier stuff. I have shared far too much as it is. I have to keep some things to myself. Some of the darkest nights of my soul will stay in my paper diary. Pen on paper. Maybe that's what I should have done all along. Instead of living our lives here with an audience.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-89AKCPUYsmk/XUkXGTM0qtI/AAAAAAAAXOw/KYfVppoZa_4b0NhoqxVBGaGglFpx_x6RACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7685.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1329" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-89AKCPUYsmk/XUkXGTM0qtI/AAAAAAAAXOw/KYfVppoZa_4b0NhoqxVBGaGglFpx_x6RACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_7685.JPG" width="265" /></a>Twinning. Michelle and me in matching shirts from Justice. They didn't go unnoticed. Michelle and me are soulmates. We both love cute and pretty things. We like the same clothes. We both love ballet and piano and unicorns and rainbows and butterflies and cats and the beach. My little girl will grow up and likely go through a phase where it's no longer cool to hang out with Mom or especially not to dress like Mom, but for now I'm going to enjoy this time where my girl appreciates me, wants to be with me, looks up to me. I want to be a good role model for her. Sometimes I feel like she is the role model. She is aspirational. If only I could be as daring, hopeful, loving, patient, kind, enthusiastic, strong and resilient as Michelle. I am so proud of her. Knowing that I had something to do with the amazing young lady that she is is my greatest comfort. Whatever else I may have messed up, at least I did one thing right.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OLkS75X4UvA/XUkXGYq1reI/AAAAAAAAXO0/2qH7bV1QHT40EbwLfNUbKGjEQamo3dG1ACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7687.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1199" data-original-width="1600" height="239" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OLkS75X4UvA/XUkXGYq1reI/AAAAAAAAXO0/2qH7bV1QHT40EbwLfNUbKGjEQamo3dG1ACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_7687.JPG" width="320" /></a>Another day, another beach. It was a cute little beach May came across one day so we went to check it out together. The water was ICE COLD. Michelle was the only one brave enough to get right in. The rest of us couldn't get past our ankles. Still it was lovely to see the turquoise water, to watch the boats go by. And of course I'm always happy for a photo op. I made everyone pose for the obligatory group shot. The sun was behind us so we're kind of in shadow but it's still cute. I even caught a sailboat in the background. I am grateful for happy memories with my family.<br />
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We took a walk along the beach. I found a ledge to sit the camera on and get a group shot in the sunlight. The water looks so beautiful. It was so clear. If only it hadn't been so cold. You can't have everything. My Mom said she had a dream about a car just like mine parked next to mine. Then it happened. She dreamed about ants. Then we saw some ants crawling on the beach. I was glad that my dreams didn't come to life though some of my nightmares had. Mostly I was trying to forget about all that crap.<br />
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Even on the beach we had a visit from a butterfly! They seem to be everywhere we go now. I mean you expect them around gardens and flowers and you KNOW they're at the Butterfly Conservatory but even on beaches and parking lots and everywhere you go, there they are flitting around like random little reminders that no matter how messed up the world is there is still beauty to be found. Maybe they've always been there and I just didn't notice them?<br />
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As promised, I took Michelle to get a hamster after her birthday. I wasn't too keen on the idea but it was something she really wanted and I wanted to make her happy. I thought it might be a good experience for her and hopefully wouldn't be too much extra work for me. After all the work we had done on Michelle's room just to have a place for the hamster we had to actually get one. We got a cage and some accessories then we tried to find the perfect little hamster. Originally Michelle wanted a Teddy Bear hamster like her cousin Reggie's but the store didn't have one and we'd have to order it. Then we checked out another store and she fell in love with an adorable little Russian dwarf hamster named Maria.<br />
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How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand? Maria was BEYOND ADORABLE. She was just the sweetest little thing you ever saw. We heard that it was better to wait and not touch your hamster for a couple of days, to just put a tissue in her cage with her that had your scent on it so she could get used to you. We didn't want to scare or upset her. We didn't want her to bite. Reggie had been bitten a couple of times the first time he picked up his hamster. Michelle was too anxious. She couldn't wait. So the very next day she picked Maria up. Maria didn't bite her. She was good as gold. It's like she trusted Michelle, sensed that she was safe. Michelle adores Maria and what's not to love? She's cute as a button. And apparently she won't grow much bigger than she is now. Maria even has Michelle sleeping in her own room now. After SEVEN YEARS I finally have my bed to myself again! Michelle asked if she could still stay in my bed one night a week for "movie night." I said of course. I told her no matter how old she gets, even as a teenager she can stay with me for movie night. Or any time she needs a snuggle. I will always be there for her.<br />
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We always keep Michelle's door closed. Ali doesn't seem to know or care about the hamster and we want to keep it that way.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9bXfceTjSpk/XUzwprjIwpI/AAAAAAAAXTw/wycSPRuGf7EMQkjd1BDgvLoa1vGxm__eACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_7980.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1154" data-original-width="1600" height="230" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9bXfceTjSpk/XUzwprjIwpI/AAAAAAAAXTw/wycSPRuGf7EMQkjd1BDgvLoa1vGxm__eACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_7980.JPG" width="320" /></a>Maria is so good she even poops in a litter box! I found this adorable mini litter box/hamster potty and I figured we'd try it. She's so smart she actually uses it which makes cleaning her cage a lot easier! Maria is a little spoiled. She's got a big cage with a series of tunnels and even a lookout tower. She has a bunch of toys and accessories. The hamster is only $15. It's the cage, accessories, bedding and food that add up. But I figured the money I saved on the bouncy castle debacle more than covered it. Maria is a sweet addition to our little family and we love her so much. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B5iUXR-6Brg/XVED1_pxQmI/AAAAAAAAXXg/YpOyTb_seRAJ85r4vqMLwoFjgXea61cFACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_8091%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1215" data-original-width="1600" height="242" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B5iUXR-6Brg/XVED1_pxQmI/AAAAAAAAXXg/YpOyTb_seRAJ85r4vqMLwoFjgXea61cFACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_8091%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" width="320" /></a> It's AUGUST?! AUGUST. Ridiculous. Time is speeding by. I wasn't supposed to be covering August in this blog. I wasn't even supposed to get into July. But there are so many pictures and this is my last chance to share them. Maybe I will just add a bunch of August photos, without context. Happy moments. Happy places. Here and there. With the people we love. These are what we need to hold onto. We can forget the not so happy moments. The bad places. And the people we'd just as soon forget. Those are what we need to let go of.<br />
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I survived the meeting from Hell. The meeting that broke me out in hives. The meeting I dreaded. It wasn't easy. I cried before, during and after. I was falling apart. I was quite open about how hard it was. I admitted that part of me just wants to run away and never look back. "Fight or flight," one of them said, "it's natural." "You should be proud of yourself, you made it here." Even in tears, even in frustration and anger and fear and against my better judgment. I hated every minute of it but I faced those demons and I will and I can. One day I had just finished talking about ghosts of the past when Ghostbusters came on the radio. It was so random. Michelle and me laughed and sang along "I ain't afraid of no ghost!" There have been a lot of weird coincidences lately. Someone told me there are no coincidences. It's all connected. It all means something. If you're paying attention you can see it.<br />
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Maybe life is trying to tell me that I am strong enough. Life challenges you to make you rise to the challenge. Life makes you face your demons so that you can disarm them. It isn't easy. It's terrifying. I don't know what's going to happen. But maybe I'm supposed to go through this now. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3TUFIiL2Ldo/XVEIQrZ9hKI/AAAAAAAAXZE/KcKkhDHdj8sbVK6ar9rLp6cYES_8wpYAQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_8231.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1118" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3TUFIiL2Ldo/XVEIQrZ9hKI/AAAAAAAAXZE/KcKkhDHdj8sbVK6ar9rLp6cYES_8wpYAQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_8231.JPG" width="223" /></a>I keep a Gratitude Journal. I force myself to write in it even on the crappiest days. Because even on a bad day you can find something to be grateful for. Even if it's just that the day is finally over. It does end. Everything. Whether you want it to or not. My therapist said "Some days you're the bug and some days you're the windshield." You never know how the day is going to go when you start out. You hope for the best. You prepare for the worst. You be grateful for landing somewhere in between. "Grow through what you go through." It isn't easy. Sometimes it's awful. But you do it. You show up. You face those demons, slay those dragons. And you come out stronger. And then you don't have to run away anymore. Then it's more about you running TOWARD the things you really want than AWAY from what you fear. I have a lot of choices and decisions to make. I avoided them as long as I could. But I can't hide forever. It's scary because I don't want to fail. I don't want to make a mistake. But it's part of the process. Growing is hard. It hurts. It stretches you. And it feels like it's breaking you, even as it is making you stronger.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YoqWWs8-Wpg/XUzrWMZBLzI/AAAAAAAAXSk/ULIJEvDXXhAnlqLENQ8v0fImqAXVzm_hACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_8007.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1251" data-original-width="1600" height="250" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YoqWWs8-Wpg/XUzrWMZBLzI/AAAAAAAAXSk/ULIJEvDXXhAnlqLENQ8v0fImqAXVzm_hACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_8007.JPG" width="320" /></a><span style="text-align: center;"> The world is in over its head in many ways. Drowning. There are beaches that have been completely wiped out. So many places have been flooded. People have lost their homes. After days of rain the sun came out again and we ventured to our favourite beach and found that it has been affected by climate change too. The lake had flooded part of the parking lot. More than half of the beach was gone. It was shocking to me. It didn't seem that long since we'd been there and it was completely different. There was still some beach left. Michelle wanted to go in the water. It was warm but the waves were so strong and so high. It made me nervous. This was my Happy Place and now I was worried about it too. The world is changing. Even from one day to the next. Nothing is permanent.</span></div>
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I think this is it. Winding to a close. I've been rambling for 7 years. I better wrap this puppy up. What else can I say? I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going month after month, photo after photo. It's too much. It's overwhelming. And why am I doing it anyway? I don't even enjoy it anymore. It feels like a punishment. Like going to confession. I'm done. So I guess this is it. After 7 years I am ending my baby blog. Thank you for reading. It has meant the world to me to have had this forum to share my thoughts and feelings around pregnancy, motherhood, raising a child on my own. All those insomniacal nights when I needed to vent. I'm grateful for this place to store so many memories. Whatever else happens, I've had this. Michelle didn't want me to stop the blog but I told her it's time. There have been several signs lately that I have to let this go. I may still post occasionally -- a short anecdote, one photo...? Probably not because I tend to be all or nothing. I tried to simplify but I wasn't very good at it. I'm a maximalist at heart and a total photoholic. As soon as I try to choose one picture I want to include them all. As soon as I go to talk about one story, they all spill out. And I just can't do this anymore. It's too much. It's been too much for a while but it took a giant slap in the face from the universe to make me stop. I finally had to listen.</div>
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It's hard to say goodbye. This blog has been part of my life for so long it does break my heart a little to end it but it just feels like it's time. For so many reasons. Sometimes we're given signs. We may not always know how to read them but we can't ignore them. The last straw for me came recently. Bottom line is that unfortunately there are some bad dudes out there that really don't deserve this window into our lives. So I'm closing the curtain. Fin. From now on Michelle and me will live out our lives without an audience. Most of the time anyway! (Aside from an occasional post on Twitter and Youtube unless I reach the point where I stop that too.) This has become such a habit that I almost can't imagine life without my blog. In a way it's a relief because it is overwhelming doing these posts but at the same time I'm a creature of habit and habits are tough to break. Then again I was pretty addicted to Facebook way back in the day but I boycotted it when it became a toxic place to be and I've never gone back. Sometimes you just have to move on... Oversharing isn't always the best idea.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qOPKFHn5vOw/XUzmAbdQ9dI/AAAAAAAAXSQ/mcuYIFVOAo0N3_Tv-WCzRNJ4b34ZKmUuwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_8010.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1178" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qOPKFHn5vOw/XUzmAbdQ9dI/AAAAAAAAXSQ/mcuYIFVOAo0N3_Tv-WCzRNJ4b34ZKmUuwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_8010.JPG" width="293" /></a>The End. Somehow it doesn't feel like an ending. It's kind of a new beginning. Entering a new phase. Venturing into the unknown. I'd like to be able to say that all the loose ends have been tied up, everything resolved and that we "live happily ever after" but let's face it. That only happens in fairy tales. In real life, even when it seems like everything is settled it can all fall apart. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. No one knows what will happen next. Especially these days when even the world is coming apart at the seams. Sometimes having answers just creates more questions. No one has it all figured out. No I'm not cured. I'm not done therapy. I am entering an intensive phase. Literally facing my demons. I don't feel strong enough but everyone seems to think that I am. I don't feel ready for this but my therapist says I may never feel ready. There is no perfect time. If it were left up to me I'd postpone it forever. If you hide from your demons they will always be there waiting for you. It takes confronting your fears to take away their power. And it isn't easy. Therapy is a process. There is no stress free time. New challenges will always come up. So many things are still unresolved. I didn't make up with my brother. I do love my brother even though he's an obnoxious a-hole. Perhaps I can find it in my heart to forgive him and his other half. (Though it's tough to forgive someone who's not even sorry. Who can't even admit they were wrong.) Of course at the end of the day we all have our stories. We're different yet the same. We're all doing the best we can with the hand we're dealt. It's better not to judge. I need to learn more compassion for everyone. I need to be a better person. I'm working on it. I'm not there yet.(Not by a long shot!) I'm still (and always) a work in progress. I can't promise that I will ever be a perfect, saintly, self-actualized person. I can promise this: I will keep learning and growing. I will keep making mistakes. (Hopefully new ones though, better ones.) There will be good days and bad days. There will be moments I feel stronger and think "I got this!" only to be knocked down again and realize that you can't control everything and life can always break your heart. One thing I can guarantee is that I will love Michelle no matter what and be grateful every day for the beautiful adventure it is being her Mom. Michelle will keep me going no matter what. She is BY FAR the best thing that has ever happened to me and that continues to happen to me. I am forever grateful for the bumpy road that led me to her and the road we continue to travel together, despite all its bumps and unexpected detours, sometimes because of them. </div>
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Thank you again for following along in our journey. If you've enjoyed my blog please do leave comments! I'd love to hear from you. And if you want to keep in touch this doesn't have to be goodbye. You can reach me via email in the link above if you like. You can also subscribe to me on Youtube and follow me on Twitter (NICE people only please! LOL) Not breaking those habits yet!</div>
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xo</div>
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Ann Marie</div>
Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-29388495606040962302019-05-24T11:03:00.001-04:002019-08-28T07:21:47.586-04:00Pretty Far from Perfect!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Spring has sprung! FINALLY! Sort of. (Actually we're into MAY now and it got cold again!) March came in like a lion. I wasn't sure whether it would go out like a lamb. I was just sick to death of the cold and snow, tired of scraping ice off the windshield every morning. Done with dark, grey, miserable days. Looking forward to warmer weather, sunshine, birds singing, flowers blooming. SPRING!<br />
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It had been a long, hard Winter. One of the worst ever. I was really ready for it to be over! I was hoping Spring would bring happier days. It did bring some. It also brought some VERY DARK DAYS. I ended my last post talking about beautiful birds of prey (like the handsome golden eagle who posed with us!) Of course there are some ugly, sinister feathered predators too. Now I have encountered some very creepy <b>vultures</b> circling and it wasn't at a Bird Show... But I'll get to <i>them</i> later...<br />
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At least my little girl, my Princess is the bright spot in my life, even on the darkest of days.<br />
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It figures that right when I decide I'm going to "simplify" my life it gets more complicated. There is a lot to cover in this post and it's going to be messy, chaotic and rambling so I apologize in advance. This blog is like a diary to me. It has become a habit and I need it, as a way to help me process things. Writing is therapeutic. If I talk about what's bothering me then I'm free of it. If I don't get it out then it weighs on my mind. March and April certainly had their moments, good and very bad. So here goes...<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7y2EsqGMO0/XKYbXoXbnEI/AAAAAAAAV5U/cuieeSctSZoVfYApp3wYpO5ZUH2_ClpSQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3310.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1226" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7y2EsqGMO0/XKYbXoXbnEI/AAAAAAAAV5U/cuieeSctSZoVfYApp3wYpO5ZUH2_ClpSQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3310.JPG" width="245" /></a>Though I was a "recovering shopaholic" for the most part I still had to get my shopping fix now and then and I couldn't resist things that were really cute/beautiful/a great bargain. Plus Michelle is growing so fast she's outgrown most of her clothes so I HAVE to pick up new things for her, right?!<br />
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Looking forward to Summer already, I found Michelle an adorable rainbow striped tankini. She absolutely loved it. She couldn't wait to try it on. Then she wanted to have a "fashion show." I took some pictures of her while she spun around like a model. It's nice that she doesn't fight me on taking pictures like she did when she was younger. Now she even likes posing for the camera. (Yes I've created a monster!)<br />
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I got a beach backdrop so we could pretend to be at the beach even on a cold Winter day. We can't wait to go to the beach again. So far Spring has been mostly cold, windy and rainy. Not exactly beach weather...<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/3OxFbnF6dqg/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/3OxFbnF6dqg?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>Michelle is my sunshine on a cloudy day! She never ceases to surprise and delight me. One week she had to memorize a play in French for school: "La Poule Maboule." It's the story of Chicken Little. As a catastrophist myself, with a tendency to panic, I can TOTALLY relate to Chicken Little and sometimes it really does feel like the sky is falling! Of course it doesn't. Nothing is the end of the world and whatever happens somehow you just deal with it. Michelle was afraid she'd never learn the whole play by heart but there was a lot of repetition and she had it down in no time. It was cute how she acted it out with the little paper characters so I decided to film her. She did a great job even if she did get distracted by Ali meowing partway through... </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Q_s2l8it1AU/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Q_s2l8it1AU?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: right; float: right;" width="320"></iframe>I was in "fix it" mode. I had been repairing things around the house and making videos. I realized that aside from the basic satisfaction of fixing things that are broken there was a deeper spiritual meaning behind it. Focusing on the things that I COULD control (as opposed to all of the things that I COULD NOT) was empowering. It was therapeutic. It brought me peace. I made a video: "Zen and the art of fixing things." Of course SOME things (situations/people etc) can't be fixed and you just have to find a way to accept those/let them go. It isn't always easy for a control freak! Through therapy and doing things around the house, I was feeling better, stronger and more calm. When things would go wrong I would try not to panic. I started doing yoga every day and trying to meditate. I was reading about and practicing mindfulness. I was listening to Jon Kabat Zinn. I was eating slowly and mindfully. I was learning to be in the now, if only for a few minutes. I felt like I was on the right track... </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cTmpkJqpuOk/XKYcvd6-16I/AAAAAAAAV5s/fbvissUWvAsHUIZQbSYoEOxwGeFas3mQgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3420.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1226" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cTmpkJqpuOk/XKYcvd6-16I/AAAAAAAAV5s/fbvissUWvAsHUIZQbSYoEOxwGeFas3mQgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3420.JPG" width="245" /></a>I started doing yoga again, every day. It is as much spiritual as physical. Yoga really helps me to feel balanced, strong and at peace. It calms me, grounds me, helps me to find my zen. For too long I had neglected it. When I think back to how I was living just before my breakdown, it wasn't even living. I was just existing. There was no time for any sort of self-care. My entire existence was to help others -- at work and at home. I got depleted to the point where I had nothing left to give. Trying to multi-task and speed through 16 hour days on no sleep was a recipe for disaster. It is strange now to be doing the opposite -- trying to learn to take care of myself, to take time and to "mono-task" -- to be mindful and focus on just ONE thing at a time. I am grateful for this opportunity. It is a challenge for me. It is so easy to slip back into old negative patterns and let stress get the better of me. It keeps happening. The difference is I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. As my therapists tell me, mindfulness isn't just being positive, it is being open and accepting to all of your emotions -- even the so-called negative -- sadness, fear, anger. For so long I tried to deny/hide them. To actually breathe into them and let them be is tough. I am still very far from figuring it all out but I'm trying.<br />
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I added another new video to my "Life is an Experiment" playlist on Youtube: How to Meditate. Of course I'm no expert. Just a beginner myself! But the point of the playlist in general and this video in particular is to give yourself permission to <i>attempt </i>things. To try. To experiment. You don't have to be an expert. You don't have to do it perfectly. For so long I told myself that I couldn't meditate because I'm an overthinker and couldn't clear my mind. I didn't realize that NO ONE CAN! Our minds are literally designed to think constantly -- we can process thousands of bits of information every second. We need to in order to survive. So it's not a matter of "clearing" your mind like erasing a blackboard and thinking of nothing but rather acknowledging the endless stream of thoughts and letting them pass by like cars without engaging with them and then just patiently coming back to what you're focusing on -- your breathing/mantra etc. I used to think I couldn't meditate because I was too hard on myself. I needed to approach it with openness, acceptance and non-judgment. It isn't about thinking NOTHING. It's about consciously focusing on ONE thing and not beating yourself up when your mind wanders because it will wander a thousand times! "Focus on your breath" sounds simple but it's not EASY. It's the hardest thing in the world. It's an uphill battle for me but I want to learn. I really want and NEED to find my peace.<br />
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There are SO many health benefits to meditation -- physically and mentally. It is even a fountain of youth. It just takes so much practice to get it. I made the video because I wanted to inspire others like me to attempt it. You don't have to see meditation as this unattainable perfect state -- You don't have to be a Buddhist monk meditating on a mountaintop saying "Om." You can be you, with all your imperfections and worries and still sit for a few moments and be in the Now. It's there for anyone willing to try it. Even a stressed out single Mom with all kinds of issues! Even I can just sit and breathe and just BE for a few minutes and try to find my zen.<br />
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Of course unfortunately there will always be someone or something to come along and steal my peace but at least for a few minutes while I'm doing yoga or meditating or consciously being "mindful" I can experience being in the "NOW." Where I'm not worried about anything. Not living in the past or future. Just being. It is a liberating feeling. Even if I can only hold onto it for a few seconds at a time! As Eckhart Tolle says "In the Now, in the absence of time, all your problems dissolve." Sure there were those terrible things that happened in the PAST and there are those awful things to worry about in the FUTURE but what is wrong in THIS MOMENT? It's such a relief to just be in the moment. Unfortunately before too long the Past and Future start knocking at your door again and stressing you out! (Of course we just shouldn't answer the door!)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_iMHfqXjz_Y/XKYc6SAeM0I/AAAAAAAAV5w/mM7ECcvn76I70HCkNw17aHmPD9P1S75FgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3453.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1082" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_iMHfqXjz_Y/XKYc6SAeM0I/AAAAAAAAV5w/mM7ECcvn76I70HCkNw17aHmPD9P1S75FgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3453.JPG" width="216" /></a>Movies are always a great form of escapism. Michelle wanted to see Captain Marvel. I love that we're not limited to just animated films anymore. She likes "grown up movies" now. I've been able to watch several rated PG movies with her and she really enjoyed them. I was worried however that Captain Marvel might be too violent or scary for her. It wasn't. She LOVED it. We both did. It was AMAZING. I think it's good for Michelle to see female heroes. To see women as powerful and able to change the world for the better. It is tough when you see the world in such a mess. It can make you feel powerless. Really what can you do? Most of it is beyond our control. You can try to do the right thing in your own life but you can't stop bad people from doing terrible things out in the world. I try not to watch the news. I don't want anything to do with it. I wind up hearing about the latest tragedies/atrocities from my Mom anyway but I mostly just can't deal with it. It stresses me out and I'm trying to find my happy place for the most part. I spent too many years in a dark place, surrounded by the ugliness and the evils that I could not change or control and it broke me. I can't go there again. Seeing the good guys win once in a while in a movie is so satisfying. We need superheroes now more than ever. They give us hope. Something to believe in, to aspire to. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3xIpyplgh-0/XKYc6deJfaI/AAAAAAAAV50/P9gIeTpv2PQFY_7wnxsF0MZjFR2tnC_ZwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3459.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1029" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3xIpyplgh-0/XKYc6deJfaI/AAAAAAAAV50/P9gIeTpv2PQFY_7wnxsF0MZjFR2tnC_ZwCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_3459.JPG" width="128" /></a><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7hMje4VjcrE/XMRJtsB3ArI/AAAAAAAAWKA/81B37stM8pgQjw_rJkFtypCxjArLDuccwCLcBGAs/s1600/Captain%2BMarvel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="273" data-original-width="184" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7hMje4VjcrE/XMRJtsB3ArI/AAAAAAAAWKA/81B37stM8pgQjw_rJkFtypCxjArLDuccwCLcBGAs/s200/Captain%2BMarvel.jpg" width="134" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uBgc-6ZgI7g/XMRJ1Tyyu4I/AAAAAAAAWKE/FWB0chymf8II4V0FNbiji606GtXZzhEigCLcBGAs/s1600/Wonder%2BWoman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="326" data-original-width="220" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uBgc-6ZgI7g/XMRJ1Tyyu4I/AAAAAAAAWKE/FWB0chymf8II4V0FNbiji606GtXZzhEigCLcBGAs/s320/Wonder%2BWoman.jpg" width="215" /></a>We loved Captain Marvel so much I decided to try the new Wonder Woman on DVD. We still hadn't seen it. When it came out in theaters I was concerned it might be too violent for Michelle but now I found it on sale and figured we would try it. We loved it too. Wonder Woman, even this modern incarnation, is an AWESOME superhero and role model. Gal Gadot does a phenomenal job of embodying Wonder Woman as an Ambassador of Peace and Goddess of War. The film far exceeded my expectations. Of course I grew up with the Lynda Carter version on TV. As a child, Wonder Woman was my IDOL. (Along with the Bionic Woman! Yes I was a child of the 70s!) She was everything I wanted to be -- beautiful, powerful and good. Unfortunately for most of my life I felt like the opposite -- the ugly duckling, powerless and never good enough. I was always so hard on myself. I had my moments though. When strangers would approach and compliment me, asking if I was a model and when I started getting attention from men I felt beautiful for fleeting moments here and there. When I was a child and excelled in track and field, winning races, achieving gold medals and the award of excellence in Canada Fitness, I felt strong and athletic. More recently when doing yoga, especially headstands or when and I got 99/100 on the Fitness Pin Test (testing flexibility, endurance and core strength) a couple of years ago, I felt strong/powerful, albeit briefly. More important than being beautiful or powerful is being good, having strong morals, standing up for what's right. I try.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mQwzpl58MS8/XMRJ77-izqI/AAAAAAAAWKI/x3YdzGBbq3oKALbCLdRwIzH32bCDDVr3wCLcBGAs/s1600/Lynda%2BCarter%2BWonder%2BWoman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1070" data-original-width="747" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mQwzpl58MS8/XMRJ77-izqI/AAAAAAAAWKI/x3YdzGBbq3oKALbCLdRwIzH32bCDDVr3wCLcBGAs/s320/Lynda%2BCarter%2BWonder%2BWoman.jpg" width="223" /></a>I always wanted to be "good." (Whether that meant being a good daughter, exceptional student, hard worker, law-abiding citizen. Of course of all the roles I've played being a good mother is more important than anything.) I've always had a strong conscience and it doesn't let me away with much. I was always a "Goody goody" straight A student, never drank, smoked or did drugs. Never got in trouble with the law. Growing up I felt like I got less attention than my siblings. My Mom said it was because she never had to worry about me. I was her model child. I never got into trouble. No matter what I could be counted on to do the right thing. Not that I'm a saint by any means! I have my faults. I'm admittedly not the best Christian. I'm not terribly forgiving. I have little patience for bad people and wrongdoing. I'd like everyone to live by my standards and they definitely DO NOT. I've been called angry, impatient and "judgmental." Of course if people wouldn't keep doing the wrong things I wouldn't have to judge them would I?! LOL. I can't help it. I need things to be "fair." (And life certainly isn't a lot of the time!) I have a strong sense of justice. I want the good guys to win. I get very angry when I see bad guys getting away with it. (At this writing Trump is still President and it's deplorable! #ImpeachTrump! For the most part I just try to avoid reading about him because it's just frustrating. And I'm a Canadian anyway!) My Mom wanted me to be a lawyer. I did get 90%+ in Law in high school. (Not that the world needs more lawyers! LOL It would have been a lot more schooling and as much as I found it fascinating I didn't see myself as an attorney. I really don't like arguing if I can avoid it. As a lawyer you basically argue for a living. While it would be satisfying when you win and justice is served, it would be crushing to lose and have the bad guys win. Yes it should go without saying that I could NEVER be a defense attorney! Defend someone who is guilty? Not bloody likely!) I also excelled in History. But creativity -- Art and Writing were my passions. Of course I didn't want to be a starving artist. I'm thankful I got to work as a writer briefly and to dabble in acting and music. Even if it was never my living art gives me life. The career I inevitably wound up in for 17 years didn't allow much room for creativity however I was grateful at least to be in a field where I could make a difference, help people (even if it was killing me!) It was always important to me to stand up for what was right. Especially when the world goes so wrong. But sometimes it feels like you're fighting a losing battle and it's beyond discouraging. It can break you.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ctWzu2A6bPU/XMx-Ru8Zl6I/AAAAAAAAWUc/jiRo6AeTjx4JWwmdpm0xQm0-XKa332tZgCLcBGAs/s1600/Wonder%2BWoman%2Bin%2Bbattle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="655" data-original-width="867" height="241" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ctWzu2A6bPU/XMx-Ru8Zl6I/AAAAAAAAWUc/jiRo6AeTjx4JWwmdpm0xQm0-XKa332tZgCLcBGAs/s320/Wonder%2BWoman%2Bin%2Bbattle.jpg" width="320" /></a>There is a scene in the new Wonder Woman where she is grief-stricken when she sees how people are suffering. She wants to help. She gets angry. Thankfully she has the power to do something to fight evil and protect the innocent. Unfortunately in real life we don't have superpowers. You can empathize with victims and be furious with the villains, but you can't always resolve/change the situation. Bad things happen. The legal system is flawed. Sometimes it seems like the victims are punished and the guilty go free. It isn't right. It isn't fair. We need superheroes! We need Wonder Woman's lasso of truth to make the bad guys ADMIT what they're up to! (Yes they have lie detectors but even they aren't foolproof. Some sociopaths are able to cheat/fool even the polygraph.) I hate seeing people taking advantage of. These days it seems more common than ever -- predators of one kind or another preying on the vulnerable. I don't judge predators in the animal kingdom. They're acting on instinct but among people, I would expect some decency, compassion. But some people have no conscience. Some people value money and power above human lives. (Again, Trump is an example of a materialistic monster drunk on power and he doesn't care who he hurts -- even separating children from their parents. He steals from the poor and rewards the rich. He is a cruel, ignorant, fraudulent, traitorous, racist, misogynist, Narcissist. And somehow, even after all that he's done, he is STILL PRESIDENT?! How does he keep getting away with it?! What is wrong with America/the world?! The only thing worse than an evil con man is one who gets elected President! Never give power to a monster. Not only because of the damage he can do (to people/the planet etc) but because it sends a TERRIBLE message. It's like it's OK to be an asshole now. But it's NOT OK. #ImpeachTrump for the love of God. But I digress!</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_WFASsoJ3is/XMx_gaIDCVI/AAAAAAAAWUk/HlTNA_2FKgkbVdsbH5SFCzsghdyUdySKwCLcBGAs/s1600/single%2Bmom%2Bsuperpower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_WFASsoJ3is/XMx_gaIDCVI/AAAAAAAAWUk/HlTNA_2FKgkbVdsbH5SFCzsghdyUdySKwCLcBGAs/s320/single%2Bmom%2Bsuperpower.jpg" width="320" /></a>Being a Single Mom is one of the hardest roles you can play and unless you have done it yourself you can't imagine how tough it is. Ignorant people are quick to disparage and dismiss single mothers but they have no idea what it takes. Raising a child is tough for TWO PARENTS. To be doing it on your own is a struggle but it is rewarding. I have talked to many single moms and children of single moms who have said the bond they share is stronger than any you'd ever find in a so-called regular family. I am fiercely protective of my daughter. I love her more than anything and I would do anything for her. As a child I wanted to be Wonder Woman and in a strange way I got my wish because I am independent, never married; I wound up in a strange career where I tried to save the world (to a small degree at least); and now I am raising a girl on my own.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rys1rixjiEo/XMyB9XJaU0I/AAAAAAAAWUs/L_UvrUqY92kly-hEpjs8JYyVSP_iNrATQCLcBGAs/s1600/Wonder%2BWoman%2Bsingle%2Bmom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rys1rixjiEo/XMyB9XJaU0I/AAAAAAAAWUs/L_UvrUqY92kly-hEpjs8JYyVSP_iNrATQCLcBGAs/s1600/Wonder%2BWoman%2Bsingle%2Bmom.jpg" /></a>Apparently I'm not the only one who has noticed that a Single Mom IS Wonder Woman and embodies many of the same qualities: 1. <b>Independence </b>-- like Wonder Woman, a Single Mom has to do it all on her own without a man to help (especially ones like me who have no input/support from a father whatsoever.) Instead of being rescued by a Knight in Shining Armour, WE do the rescuing. 2. <b>Honesty</b> -- We've been through Hell and back and we have no time/patience for BS. We demand the truth. We can spot a liar a mile away. 3. <b>Resourcefulness </b>-- We will do what needs to be done, thinking outside the box, solving crises on our own, making the most of whatever time and money we have (even though it's never enough). No matter what, you get the job done and save the day because you have to. It's all you. 4. <b>Strength </b>-- physical and mental. You don't have to lift weights to build muscles. You are alone to carry groceries, build/move furniture, carry your sleeping child in from the car with heavy coat and boots on. You may not always feel mentally strong because life can break you down, but even on your worst day you show up and do the best you can for your child. You get knocked down and you get back up every time. You have survived adversity and you can face whatever life throws at you because you have to be strong for your child. 5. <b>Protectiveness</b> -- You can be loving and nurturing. You are dedicated to protecting the innocent but you can also be a warrior when you need to be. You will keep evil at bay. You will defend and protect your child above all else. You will ensure that your child is protected, safe and loved no matter what and pity the fool who tries to interfere with her! So yeah, we may not have bulletproof bracelets, a lasso or truth or an invisible plane but a Single Mom is Wonder Woman. I just remembered that I actually wrote a post years ago called "Single Mom, Wonder Woman" if you want to check it out:</div>
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<a href="http://bumpintheroadmybabyblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/single-mom-wonder-woman.html">http://bumpintheroadmybabyblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/single-mom-wonder-woman.html</a></div>
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So yeah, I'm a fan of superheroes. I don't think it's unreasonable to want the good guys to win and to be angry at the bad guys. My therapist says I think too much in terms of black and white but it IS black and white to me. Good vs Evil. Victim vs villain. Predator vs prey. As a child I was bullied mercilessly. I didn't stand up for myself. I passively took the abuse. Ironically if I saw someone ELSE being picked on I stood up for THEM but I never showed myself the same courtesy. When my brothers were being bullied as kids, I took their tormentor to task, held him up against the wall and told him don't EVER bother my brothers again. And he didn't. In high school I stood up for students that I saw being bullied.<br />
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As an adult, not too long ago actually, I stood up for my parents when I saw a slimy sales/service person trying to take advantage of them. I told him it sounded like a fraud and either he make it right or I would report him to the police. (He had sabotaged their brand new air conditioner to make them pay for service when he was supposed to be doing a free maintenance call. I called BS.) All of a sudden their air conditioner worked again and they didn't owe anything? Hmm. The next time he was there he asked my Mom where her "overprotective daughter" was. She explained that I'd just been visiting that day and didn't actually live there. Sometimes it helps to be in the right place at the right time. Try to take advantage of my Mom? Not on my watch!<br />
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Too many people are taken advantage of. Vile opportunists/con artists/predators prey on the elderly in particular and it's despicable. Sometimes I'm glad my Mom has no problem saying "No!" so she's not taken in by many charlatans/scammers/aggressive sales people. Unfortunately some of them can be very sneaky. There were a number of phone scams going around. Crooks would call and claim to be with the government and say that you owe money/were going to jail etc. My Mom was in tears once over a disturbing message some creep had left. "He sounded so official! He said it was Officer So and so and he'd take us to court..." "Mom it's ALL MADE UP! They are just low life scumbags who do nothing but try to rip people off!" I told her to ignore all of those stupid calls. If it was really the government they would be sending you something in the mail. Don't believe a word anyone says on the phone or at the door. "Don't talk to strangers" isn't just for kids. Adults need to be more careful too. NEVER give personal information over the phone. Just assume that they are lying until and unless you check it out to make sure it's legit. I don't think I'm "overprotective" (OK maybe a little!) To me it's just protectiveness. It's a natural maternal instinct to protect the innocent. I've always had that and even more so now that I'm a mother. (My PTSD and anxiety also make me hyper-aware of and reactive to potential threats. And if you threaten someone I love, it will be FIGHT not FLIGHT that takes over!) Thieves and con artists are among my least favourite people. To me, it makes sense to be angry with them. Even JESUS got angry with a "den of thieves" when he encountered them!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Kx8YgGQtvp0/XMcrO1-i3BI/AAAAAAAAWSY/hSw2obLudwQ7sMp0cDW5UgkHe7SB-zb0wCLcBGAs/s1600/bullying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1429" data-original-width="1600" height="285" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Kx8YgGQtvp0/XMcrO1-i3BI/AAAAAAAAWSY/hSw2obLudwQ7sMp0cDW5UgkHe7SB-zb0wCLcBGAs/s320/bullying.jpg" width="320" /></a>Bullies are another category of a-holes that I particularly despise. There have ALWAYS been bullies. At least nowadays schools have rules in place and a no tolerance attitude toward bullying (Though I'm sure it still happens.) As a child I was bullied for being shy, quiet, different, not fitting in. As an adult I was sometimes bullied for the same reasons. Looking back I don't know why I didn't speak up. I could have asserted myself. Now I understand the psychology of bullying. I know that the bully feels insecure and that attacking others gives them a feeling of power. The more you cower, the more they know they can get away with it. I wish I had asserted myself sooner. After being pushed too far I went from being passive to aggressive. I would tell ANYONE to fuck off if they messed with me. I didn't care who. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7AgWiyDyfXI/XNGP0cvTOYI/AAAAAAAAWWE/QcfhItenvKE7Xvl7hu9XAtzzIzHZZ6bngCLcBGAs/s1600/passive%2Baggressive%2Bhippie.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="624" data-original-width="640" height="312" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7AgWiyDyfXI/XNGP0cvTOYI/AAAAAAAAWWE/QcfhItenvKE7Xvl7hu9XAtzzIzHZZ6bngCLcBGAs/s320/passive%2Baggressive%2Bhippie.jpeg" width="320" /></a>When you're pushed to the edge the stakes are higher. It's fight or flight. Kill or be killed. If you are passive for too long (remaining silent when you should speak up, avoiding confrontation) eventually you may reach your breaking point and go into survival mode. "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" The pendulum swings and you turn aggressive, defensive, confrontational, ready for a fight. The thing is, I don't want to be passive OR aggressive. I don't like being angry and I don't like confrontation but when something is bothering me I need to speak up about it or it eats away at me. My days of suffering in silence are done. Of course there's always passive aggressive: The sneaky two-faced liars, pot-stirrers, shit disturbers who pretend to be nice but stab you in the back, who incite war and then stand back with an innocent face like they had nothing to do with it. I joked once that it would be nice if everyone could just wear labels on their shirts so you knew what they were about when you saw them. Of course some people are pretty transparent anyway. </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8uiqsfPP_LU/XNGSc5MjPRI/AAAAAAAAWWM/p0MJyNbiIEI_DBUdmzPYvjfi6DSaB1YswCLcBGAs/s1600/assertive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1174" data-original-width="1430" height="262" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8uiqsfPP_LU/XNGSc5MjPRI/AAAAAAAAWWM/p0MJyNbiIEI_DBUdmzPYvjfi6DSaB1YswCLcBGAs/s320/assertive.jpg" width="320" /></a>As I learned in therapy, being passive isn't fair to you because your rights are violated. Being aggressive isn't fair to the other person because you are infringing on THEIR rights. The ideal is to be ASSERTIVE -- to defend your rights without discounting anyone else's. You calmly work out a resolution that is fair to both of you. Peace and love, man. Yeah. It sounds lovely. But unless you're Jesus/Gandhi or Mother Teresa how the Hell do you manage that one? How can you be calm and respectful to someone who is a complete asshole? When someone has violated your rights why the Hell should you even worry about theirs? Sure in a perfect world I would like to just be ASSERTIVE, to stand up for what's right in a calm and controlled manner. It's just not always easy! Some people push my buttons. I'm trying to pick my battles at least. I try not to get bent out of shape over everything. I don't sweat the small stuff as much anymore. Unfortunately I still sweat the big stuff and the medium sized stuff. As my therapist says, I'm a passionate person. I wouldn't get so angry if I didn't love so much -- I am protective of those I love. Emotional depth is not something to be ashamed of. It means I'm human. I get fiercely angry and deeply sad about things BECAUSE I CARE. And sometimes I have every right to be angry. There is more to this but I'll get to that later... Not even sure how I'm going to cover it all but I need to vent and writing this blog is part of my therapy.</div>
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My happy girl! At least Michelle is happy 99% of the time! I am glad that Michelle is resilient, optimistic, energetic and gets along so well with everyone. (The opposite of Mama I guess!) She had one friend in particular that kept letting her down/hurting her and I wondered if it was intentional (turns out the child's mother had some issues and it was coming through the child in little passive aggressive ways.) I was more upset about it than Michelle was. (My protective nature. You don't mess with my kid!) I never want to see her get hurt. Of course it's part of life. You can't protect them from everything (as much as you may want to!) Luckily Michelle got over it and moved on. She has so many friends she doesn't have to worry about one disappointing her. I just didn't want to deal with it or hear about it anymore. Michelle is not one to hold grudges. (Unlike Mama who can hold a grudge for a lifetime!)<br />
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One day Michelle had a play date at Play Place with a couple of her ballet friends and had a great time. I love watching her play. It was nice talking to the other Moms as well even though I had been a little nervous about it.<br />
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Michelle being so popular sometimes puts her introverted Mama in an awkward position! A play date doesn't just mean Michelle plays with her friends. It often means I am there too, hanging around, having to interact with other parents. Sometimes I do drop her off if it's at a party/in a controlled environment (at someone's home etc where I feel she's safe) but I don't feel comfortable leaving her in a public place with someone else. And sometimes you can't. The play date includes you. After my last budding pseudo-friendship turned out to be a fiasco I was that much more hesitant to even attempt to be social. Luckily the Moms were very nice and we were able to bond over a number of things. We were all ballet Moms. We all had things in common. One of them was rather shy, like me and the other was outgoing and friendly so it was a nice balance. I can be somewhat coaxed out of my shell but it's generally not in my nature to be friendly and outgoing. Unless someone else initiates an interaction it's just not happening. I will gladly keep to myself 99.9% of the time.<br />
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Then Michelle, my little social butterfly, had a play date with another friend. I felt comfortable dropping her off because I'd met the Mom before and she seemed very nice. Michelle had gone to her friend's birthday party at a theater and at the time I was hesitant about leaving her but the Mom was very sympathetic and it was still a controlled environment -- she would be in the party room with her friends and then walking single file into the theater with the rest of the party.<br />
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Being a single Mom with no one to help with child care means that aside from when Michelle is in school I have virtually no time to myself so having a couple of hours once in a while is a blessing to try to get things done. Not that Michelle can't play on her own now but when she's around she does try to get me to play with her and I usually comply. My Mom never played with us as kids. I feel obligated because she's an only child and I want to make her happy. Siblings are something that I can not give her. So sometimes I have to be the big sister as well as the Mom.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YNTAqQUzj14/XKYdsS_ZWnI/AAAAAAAAV6U/YBELBK1uqTMt2wpC4KSPXAFcgs-1sgOQgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3477.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1389" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YNTAqQUzj14/XKYdsS_ZWnI/AAAAAAAAV6U/YBELBK1uqTMt2wpC4KSPXAFcgs-1sgOQgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3477.JPG" width="277" /></a>Michelle loved this bohemian/gypsy style tunic I found her. It was one of the treasures I picked up at Once Upon a Child, which had become my new go to children's store. Justice has so many cute things but so overpriced. Michelle is growing so fast I was getting rid of her size 7 clothes and getting size 10 or sometimes 12-14! The great thing about OUAC is that I could sell her old things and buy new ones and break even or even come out ahead. They had a clearance sale where there were items for $1 AND buy one get one free!?!? I couldn't resist getting several things -- even a size 14 prom dress because it was only 50 cents!!! Michelle loved all the clothes (she loves beautiful clothes, just like Mama!) and wanted to try them on. She'll probably be wearing size 14 in a couple of years anyway. Then I guess she'll be into Women's size XS! She's growing so fast I can barely keep up. Thrift stores are definitely the way to go. It's not about cutting shopping out entirely, just shopping smarter. Learning to be a Frugalista! (I read Natalie McNeal's "Frugalista Files" and I LOVED it!) </div>
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It was March break and I wanted to plan fun outings with Michelle without going too crazy/spending too much money. Her school gave out the green passports filled with free activities like they did last year. I can't argue with free so we planned out activities to go to and I signed Michelle up for a free singing lesson. She loved it but I told her it really wasn't in the budget to take on any more lessons since she's already in piano and ballet. I reminded her how lucky she is to have the opportunity to take lessons at all since that was my dream and I never got to do it. I love seeing Michelle play piano and dance. It's like living vicariously through her. I'm glad that she loves the same things I do so we can share it and enjoy it together.<br />
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The singing lesson was interesting. I never had singing lessons. I've just always loved to sing. She sang Zippity Do Dah and Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! The teacher said she had a nice voice and great sense of rhythm. Piano lessons were paying off.<br />
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Michelle wants to save the world. She begged me to let her join the Earth Rangers so she could be an animal saving hero. So I signed her up. Aside from fundraising for animals you have to do energy saving missions (which is more the parents' responsibility than the child's) but we did them. One of them was to turn the thermostat down. Another was to look for energy stealing culprits -- like appliances plugged in when they weren't in use. I got a photo of Michelle with her Earth Rangers shirt and badge, as well as the little paper Polar Bear we made for "Operation Conservation" -- an officer on the look out for "energy wasting culprits" stealing energy and water from your home and contributing to climate change by putting more of a strain on the planet's resources. Michelle was also helping at school by picking up litter and speaking out against littering.<br />
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The indoor playground isn't always my favourite place -- it's too big and chaotic and generally stresses me out but I can take it in small doses and especially if it's free! They had free play days/hours for the kids during March break so we went. They had moved the playground to a new location and added some new decorations. We met this old pirate as we went in so I couldn't resist getting a picture with him, even though he was a little creepy!<br />
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Apparently everyone else had the same idea. It was even more crowded, chaotic and noisy than I had imagined. It was an absolute ZOO. The things I go through to make Michelle happy! At least I hoped all the running would get all that excess energy out of her system. She made a new friend as always and didn't want to leave. Luckily her friend had to leave finally so I had an excuse to make our exit too.<br />
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Another day, another trip to the indoor playground. Why not if it's free? This time we were greeted by Moana and Ariel! Two of our favourite Disney Princesses! They were actually just on their way out but I asked if they could please stop for a picture and they kindly agreed. Some people go away on vacation for March break. We were just staying home but I wanted to make it fun for Michelle. She was having a blast. As long as she can play and be active, she's happy. I managed to find a comfy corner chair to try to relax while she went running amok. She was good about checking in with me periodically. I was glad that the new playground didn't have as many blind spots/areas to lose track of her. In a crowded place like that I like to be able to see her at all times. Once again she made friends. I am glad Michelle is such an outgoing child and gets along with everyone. It makes life a lot easier. I never want her to struggle the way that I did.</div>
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My happy girl. She was having a blast. I knew that if nothing else she would have to come over when she got thirsty (which was often with all of her running around.) I was glad that the community had these passport activities for kids. The whole idea was to make kids more active because a lot of them are just sitting around playing computer games all day. I don't want Michelle to be one of those kids. I'm glad that she has so much energy and wants to move all the time (even though admittedly it can be EXHAUSTING trying to keep up with her! Sometimes it wears me out just looking at her!) Michelle said that she would never be one of those teenagers who is on their phone all the time and that's all they do. "Well you say that now, honey but you don't know. Hopefully you won't though." She says she's going to be a "nice" teenager! I sincerely hope so. "Can I get that in writing?!" I asked. She's only 6 years old and sometimes she already has an attitude. Overall though she's a sweetheart. So grateful for my girl.<br />
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We also spent some time with Gramma and Grampa over March break. My Mom wanted me to take her shopping. It is tricky now to avoid falling into my old shopaholic habits but I am pretty disciplined. Now everything has to meet my criteria -- Do I really need it? Do I really love it? Is it affordable? Will it add something to my life (as opposed to depleting it?) My Mom has become more conscious of it too and I was proud of her for getting rid of several bags of clothes at least. I sold a few things for her at a thrift store (and gave her twice the money just to reward her for her work and inspire her to do more) and donated the rest to charity. She saw how happy I was with clearing things out and wanted to try. It is very hard for her to part with things though and is an enormous task. Baby steps.<br />
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Well we may not be able to go to Hawaii, but we could at least go to a luau at the library! It was another free event. They had an area set up where you give your name and find out your name in Hawaiian. Michelle's was Mikala which I thought was pretty cool. Michelle wore her new Moana t-shirt. They were having a Moana event later in the afternoon and I was torn whether we should leave and come back or have lunch downtown and try to stay. Instead it was neither. The day was not going to go as planned whatsoever...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fFpTVjqv8kU/XKYfIhut-iI/AAAAAAAAV8U/ql_WGncPPfIRVVxvKV3StsDCt18tNGNUACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3543.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1259" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fFpTVjqv8kU/XKYfIhut-iI/AAAAAAAAV8U/ql_WGncPPfIRVVxvKV3StsDCt18tNGNUACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3543.JPG" width="251" /></a>We sat on the floor making leis, Michelle did the limbo and bowled with coconuts. If I had hurt my back by sitting hunched over on the floor for an hour (it probably didn't help) and/or thrown my back out doing the limbo it would have made sense. (I did NOT even attempt the limbo!) Instead, I threw my back out randomly, all of a sudden, just leaning over to pose for a photo, and it was excruciating! This is the photo that broke my back. As you can see it was NOT worth it! This blurry/out of focus photo fail nearly killed me. All I did was set the timer on the camera and stand next to Michelle bending slightly when all of a sudden "AAAACK!" I had somehow twisted my back in a weird way and it was AGONIZING. "OMG! I can barely walk!" I had to get home. I didn't know how I'd get back to the car. When I got home I sat in the massage chair, took pain killers. I had some old Robaxacet from the last time I hurt my back years ago. I injured my lower back as a teen, slipping on the ice and had to lay on the floor for a week. Ever since then I've had recurring injuries that come and go in my lower back and shoulders. The action of lifting a baby in and out of a car seat aggravated it MANY times. Sometimes I would just bend to get groceries and feel a twinge. Once I even sneezed in the shower (which sounds so STUPID but the spasm twisted my back in a horrible way and it was excruciating.) Now I was just bending slightly to pose for a photo (which DIDN'T EVEN TURN OUT!) I was getting old. I felt like the old man in Sanford and Son holding my back. At least we had gotten through the week but I'd wanted to go to the Moana thing and there was a magic show coming up too that I wanted to take Michelle to. Instead now I was stuck at home trying not to move my back. Getting in and out of bed was almost impossible. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b3iSuMHuAe0/XKYf4HRpYHI/AAAAAAAAV8c/99C62lSTjPE3R7EzwQ4uqC548E9bQoMpwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3549.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1221" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b3iSuMHuAe0/XKYf4HRpYHI/AAAAAAAAV8c/99C62lSTjPE3R7EzwQ4uqC548E9bQoMpwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3549.JPG" width="244" /></a>Broken back or not I didn't want Michelle to miss out on ballet. I wore an old Robax heating pad and took pain killers. I was walking slowly and stiffly like an old woman but I wasn't sure if anyone even noticed. I just kept to myself. I was hoping I wouldn't have to explain to anyone that I had thrown my back out just trying to get a photo. There had been so many times I had carried Michelle from the car up the stairs and into bed when she fell asleep, times I'd given her piggyback rides, times I had lifted heavy things by myself, or done weight lifting/strength training. And if I injured my back ANY of those times it would have made sense, but no it always happens over the most random, stupid thing. I told Michelle I wouldn't be able to carry her anymore if she fell asleep in the car I'd have to wake her and make her walk because she was getting too heavy and I couldn't risk injuring my back again. Thankfully after a few days I was on the mend. I could understand how people get addicted to pain killers. There is nothing worse than being in pain. You think you would be so happy just to NOT be in pain but then the pain eases up and you find other things to complain/worry about. It's human nature. You just take your health for granted when you have it. It's not until something goes wrong that you appreciate what a blessing it is just to be healthy and not in pain.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1bK1gJqxE_U/XKYgWMuow3I/AAAAAAAAV84/btD_lo-1rnEcmrTGfWd3ctMlLRXv_wXtACLcBGAs/s1600/Image-1%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="917" data-original-width="638" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1bK1gJqxE_U/XKYgWMuow3I/AAAAAAAAV84/btD_lo-1rnEcmrTGfWd3ctMlLRXv_wXtACLcBGAs/s320/Image-1%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="222" /></a>Luck o' the Irish! We celebrated Dan's birthday and St Patrick's Day at Auntie May's as always. Shannon took this photo with the cute St Patty's day filter. We always love visiting at May's. Michelle has a ball playing with Reggie and I love talking to May, Dan and Julie. We were laughing our heads off. I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom a couple of times before I wet myself. We were all talking and laughing after dinner. My brother Mike rarely comes for Dan's birthday because it's a long way for him and we only usually see him a couple of times a year. Chris usually comes but this year he didn't bother. He tried to pretend he expected us to just celebrate Chris, James' and Dan's birthday all together at his birthday celebration at the end of the month (I'll get into more detail about that later. There's a bit of a story with it!) But PLEASE! As if May wouldn't be throwing a birthday party for her own son? She was a bit surprised Chris wasn't coming over but I'm sure it was his "other half" that talked him out of it. She doesn't like coming to our family events and wanted to keep him from them too. </div>
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The whole gang! Of course I had to get the obligatory group photo. Most of us were wearing a little green for St Patrick's day anyway. Michelle still had her green streamers headband and it still lights up. It comes in handy for St Patrick's Day and Halloween. We had a great visit, a nice dinner and a lot of laughs. I am so grateful for my family. We would be seeing each other again for Chris' birthday celebration but that would only be for a couple of hours at a restaurant (of course we got together at May's place afterward.) More on that later...<br />
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Michelle LOVES ballet. I watch her during her classes and she's doing really well. She pays attention to the teacher and follows the steps exactly. It's usually too hard to get pictures of her during class so I make her pose after class.<br />
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Her Spring recital is coming up and one day they brought the girls' costumes in to try on. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! So did Michelle. Some of the moms were saying we were really lucky because they'd had kids in other classes for other shows and the outfits were twice as expensive and not nearly as cute. It is such a beautiful dress with cream coloured lace, a pink skirt and a dusty rose accent at the waist and for the hair. Michelle wanted to keep it on the rest of the day but I said no we aren't going to let anything happen to it before the show.<br />
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My little ballerina!<br />
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I LOVE this photo! It was one of the camera's creative "multi-shots" -- which are always random and don't always work out (like sometimes it's just a close-up of your foot or something!) but sometimes they are just perfect. I love this little vignette effect, with a slight sepia tone so it looks like an old-fashioned photo that could have been taken a century ago.<br />
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I have been obsessed with taking photos ever since my trip to Europe decades ago, but of all the subjects I have photographed, Michelle is my favourite by far! My angel, my flower, my work of art! She is growing up so fast and I'm glad I'm a photoholic so I can capture it all...<br />
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I am a die-hard #Bachelor fan(atic!) The Bachelor franchise (including Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, even Bachelor Winter Games last year) is my favourite of all though I do also watch Survivor and Dancing with the Stars. Of all the Bachelor shows my favourite is #TheBachelorette. The next Bachelorette is Hannah B (one of two beauty pageant contestants that was on the show.) Some people weren't happy with the choice. I was kind of up and down about Hannah but what really sold me on her was her exit from The Bachelor and subsequent appearance on #TheWomenTellAll. She talked about the kind of love she wanted -- someone who would choose her every day, not take her for granted, love her FIERCELY. I loved that. It struck a chord with many of us I think. I tweeted that we all deserve to be loved fiercely and it got 1.6K likes: </div>
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Yes we all deserve someone to love us FIERCELY. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TheBachelor?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TheBachelor</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/WomenTellAll?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#WomenTellAll</a></div>
— Ann Marie Pincivero (@ampincivero) <a href="https://twitter.com/ampincivero/status/1103116769701519360?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 6, 2019</a></blockquote>
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Of course I haven't exactly been looking for love. Like at ALL. I haven't dated since Michelle's father left me four months pregnant. (Believe me that will pretty much destroy your faith in men right there!) I refuse to date online again and I don't know how I'd ever meet anyone or whether I could even trust someone again. I've pretty much ruled out the possibility. But there's still that small part of me that thinks maybe. One day. If it was the right person. (Like Jesus/Superman!) I would want someone to love me fiercely, with all of his heart and to love Michelle too as his own daughter. I was inspired to write the song "Love me Fiercely." For now I have Michelle's love and that's more than enough!<br />
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It was still a little too cold to go for a bike ride but Michelle was eager so we went out. She was a little rusty. I warned her that it would take some getting used to. She just learned how to ride in September and then she couldn't ride all Winter so she hasn't had much practice. It was tough with her pads on over a thick coat. She couldn't move her arms very well. It was also cold and windy which didn't help. (Almost every day is WINDY now. I never remember this much wind before. Possibly part of climate change? All the cold and rain as well. So much flooding everywhere.) Anyway it wound up not being as fun as she expected and Michelle was getting frustrated. I told her it would be much better on a bright and sunny warm and beautiful day when she wouldn't have to wear a winter coat. Spring wasn't really here yet. She could ride her bike through Spring, Summer and the Fall. I reminded her that she still needs practice. Practice makes perfect. The more she does it the easier it will get.</div>
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I had several songs I'd never played for anyone or recorded and decided to post another one on Youtube, as a sort of antidote to "Love me Fiercely." This one is called "Be My Own Hero." As a Single Mom I have no one to count on but me and that's OK. I've gotten used to managing by myself. I've gone 7 years now without a man in my life. I can go another 7 or 70 if I have to! Fixing things around the house has been empowering in a way. Things that I never would have attempted or thought that I could do. If you are truly independent and don't need anyone, you are free. You feel strong. And no one can take that from you. If you rely on someone else they can let you down, but you can always count on yourself.<br />
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Actually, I haven't always been there for myself. For much of my life I was my own worst enemy. I had low self-esteem. I had no self-respect. I put up with a LOT and suffered in silence when I should have stood up for myself. I was my own harshest critic. So negative. Always doubting myself. I would sabotage myself -- gravitating toward people and situations that would hurt me the most because I didn't like myself. Now I know that I deserve better. Through therapy I'm learning my self worth. As a child I loved fairy tales and I dreamed about being "rescued" by a Prince or a Knight in Shining Armour. Of course they never showed up and I met mostly villains instead. I realized at some point that the women I admired the most (superheroes like Wonder Woman) were independent. They fought their own battles. They didn't need a man to rescue or validate them. I can be my own hero, face my own fears, slay my own dragons. Through therapy I am trying to be my best self. I have the best incentive in the world -- trying to be the best Mom for Michelle. I need to be strong for her. I will love and protect her no matter what. My life has more value, more meaning now than it ever did because I'm her Mom. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yGlY7_ECTAM/XKYkmkX7TKI/AAAAAAAAV-U/TZYbh_SYM_YTCnOBqFt9MIQNa3AXkxW8QCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3662.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1249" data-original-width="1600" height="249" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yGlY7_ECTAM/XKYkmkX7TKI/AAAAAAAAV-U/TZYbh_SYM_YTCnOBqFt9MIQNa3AXkxW8QCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3662.JPG" width="320" /></a>One day when I least expected it I accidentally made a new friend, sort of... I have Michelle to thank, of course. The weather was warming up slightly and Michelle wanted to go to the park after school. I sat and watched her as always. There was a Mom standing nearby that I figured was probably mother to the child Michelle was playing with but I was too shy to say anything. (I normally don't speak to someone unless spoken to and I wasn't venturing out of my shell especially now.) But then suddenly the woman came over to me and introduced herself. She was so nice! Her child had been talking about Michelle -- how nice she was, how smart she was. She said she was impressed how well-behaved Michelle was and she could tell how much I loved her. So nice! </div>
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The woman was from Europe and had a cool accent and was a PHOTOGRAPHER!!! It was awesome. We talked for over an hour while the kids played. We had a lot of things in common with some differences in parenting style (she was a little more strict than I was about meals etc -- I told her about my Mom and how I try to do the opposite.) She never made me feel bad about anything. She said I was really funny. I was cautiously optimistic. It was nice to have another Mom to talk to. I told her I'm too shy and wouldn't have approached her. She said she's normally shy too but something made her approach me and I'm glad that she did.<br />
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It was still a little chilly but it was as close as we were going to get to Spring for now so we'd take it! Each day after school we'd go to the park and Michelle would play with her new friends and I would talk to their Moms. Being an introvert I am fine with keeping to myself but it is also nice to have an actual grown up to talk to now and then. It was interesting to talk to someone from a different background, from another country, with unique experiences and perspectives on everything. I love accents. I am fascinated by other languages. In my life I have learned a little French, German, Italian, Spanish, Hungarian and Arabic (mostly through boyfriends). Words are magical to me. Learning new words for things in other languages is like discovering precious new jewels. I wish I could speak other languages fluently. French is the one I know the most having studied it all through high school but even with that I'm far from fluent.<br />
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We pretty much go to every Disney movie when they come out. Of all the classics, one of the closest to my heart was the sweet Ugly Duckling tale of Dumbo. As a child I was a misfit and was bullied for being different (substitute big ears for being a shy, pale, freckled ginger girl.) I could totally relate and empathize with Dumbo not fitting in. I felt so protective of him and I loved how his mother loved him unconditionally and tried to protect him. When they get separated it is CRUSHING. The new live action Dumbo had some very big shoes to fill but it exceeded my expectations. It was BEAUTIFUL! They even included the Pink Elephants on Parade sequence with bubbles and it was SHEER GENIUS! The new Dumbo was magical, heart-warming, jaw-dropping, extraordinary. Michelle and me loved it so much. The elephant they create is SO REAL and SO ADORABLE you can't help but love him and root for him. I heard Danny DeVito (who plays the Ringmaster in the film) saying "When you see that elephant soar, YOU soar with him!" And you do. It's breathtaking when he flies. And (spoiler alert!) I loved that karma catches up to the villains. I LOVE when the bad guys get what's coming to them. Nothing is more satisfying than that. I always root for the underdogs. I hate the expression "Nice guys finish last." It shouldn't be that way. Good should conquer evil, damn it! We need more movies like this to give us hope: where the bad guys are punished and the good guys win. For a change.<br />
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That's how it SHOULD be in real life. Good conquers evil and all is right in the world. Unfortunately it doesn't always play out that way. In real life, good people suffer too often and villains don't always (or ever?) admit to being villains do they? Too often they get away with it. Even if they're taken to court they're often found not guilty. I would like to believe that most people are basically good but there are a lot of bad people. And some of them can be very sneaky. Hiding in plain sight. Pretending to be your friend (frenemies). Getting close to you to sabotage you. Sometimes monsters can pretend to be charming. Look at the con man in the White House for instance! Look how many people Trump has fooled and continues to fool. I can only hope that the collective delusion in America falls away and that eventually they will #ImpeachTrump. The #Resistance is at least awake and aware enough to see him for what he is. Now if they can just talk some sense into the MAGA imbeciles...<br />
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I may edit this dark part out later... If you're reading this then I left it in...<br />
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I love this quote by Muriel Rukeyser: "What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open." Too often we hide the truth or can't even bear to face it. Too often we remain silent when someone has wronged us. More and more women are breaking their silence about all kinds of abuse. And sometimes the predators are the last people you would expect. Look at Cosby. He seemed like such a great guy. Funny, charming, America's Dad. And yet he was a serial rapist. And got away with it for decades. Never underestimate a Narcissist, a predator, a pathological liar. They have everyone fooled. They abuse their power and bank on the victims' silence. Someone once said "there are two kinds of people in the world: predators and prey." Villains and victims. In the movies it's usually easy to spot the villain. In life it can be a little trickier. Sometimes it's the last person you'd expect. Sometimes it's even a member of your own family. Of course there is a third category, aside from victims and villains. There are heroes -- the ones who say "Fuck that shit!" and step in to save the day. Of course sometimes it's hard to do. Sometimes there's nothing you CAN do. Except maybe to speak up and say "Hey, this is NOT OK!"<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-axqFjyzdspo/XNHDBFdll2I/AAAAAAAAWXc/xGCHG3McNHIcDFDuqgZhrJ2TzczR-MHlQCLcBGAs/s1600/floodgates%2Bopening.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="673" data-original-width="1024" height="210" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-axqFjyzdspo/XNHDBFdll2I/AAAAAAAAWXc/xGCHG3McNHIcDFDuqgZhrJ2TzczR-MHlQCLcBGAs/s320/floodgates%2Bopening.jpg" width="320" /></a><b>WARNING: The unicorns and rainbows have left the building! This is not my usual focus on the good things, "Disney mode" happy post. It will likely be my darkest, most incendiary post to date. I need to spill my guts a little, for my own sanity. I have some unpleasant truths to unleash here about a couple of vultures I have the misfortune of knowing. And I have to vent because it's eating me alive. I can't hold it in anymore. This is part of my therapy. So it's all coming out and it's going to be messy and it's going to take a while but I HAVE to do this so here goes... If hearing someone air their dirty laundry and family conflict issues isn't your bag, please stop reading NOW! If you scroll through this angry tirade there will be some happy bits at the end but first, the GRUDGE...</b><br />
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I can hold a grudge forever. I can't help it. Deliberate cruelty is, to me, unforgivable. I can't "forgive and forget." If someone hurts me, or worse -- hurts someone I love, I REMEMBER FOREVER. They go on my grudge list and they never really get removed until/unless they redeem themselves (which almost never happens.) I've heard that there are no "bad people" just people acting out of pain and you're supposed to hate the sin but not the sinner. Fuck that. Some people are just evil. They have no moral compass. No conscience. No remorse. Their priorities are out of whack. They don't care about your feelings. You are nothing to them. They value themselves, money, control, power more than human lives. They will step on anyone or anything to get what they want. All that matters is their own gratification at someone else's expense. They don't care who they hurt. They are opportunists just out to get whatever they can. They don't do anything without an agenda. They will pretend to be generous when their actions are merely self-serving. They will lie, cheat, swindle and steal from you. They will pretend to have your back but they're just setting you up to stab you in it. There are con artists who will scam you out of everything if you let them. Even famous celebrities have lost everything to crooked managers etc. Even members of your own family sometimes can be up to no good. Granted because of my PTSD/anxiety my amygdala is more active than in the average person. I am hyper-aware of potential threats. Some threats are obvious. Others more insidious and sinister. I was trying to let things slide for the most part, trying to find my zen and not get bent out of shape about little things -- bad drivers on the road, rude people in public. Who cares anyway? It didn't have to affect me. But there were some bigger things that had been bothering me for a while. Closer to home. Sure it doesn't much matter if a stranger is a complete a-hole but it matters if someone I know is. It matters if they wrong me personally. It's hard not to call them on it. There were a couple of vultures, (circling scavengers) that I felt were up to no good. I kept hearing one shady story after another about them. I wasn't really allowed to say anything (my Mom kept saying "Don't start anything!") and I tried for the most part to "keep the peace" and not confront them about it but I kept hearing things and my suspicion/resentment was building... Not even sure how to get into this... I'm just going to say it. This could take a while. I've been bottling this up for ages...<br />
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I have two sister in laws. The first, my "real" sister in law, is an angel, a beautiful person inside and out. A sweet, sunny blonde, charming, kind -- you couldn't help but love her. They say behind every good man is a great woman. My baby brother was admittedly pretty wild and crazy when he was younger but his better half was a good influence and she has turned him into a strong and admirable man, a good husband and father, a great guy that I'm proud to call my brother.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_tHbczuAzeY/XNBV8BdIuyI/AAAAAAAAWVE/Lm8g0f8HVnc20Pc2IoKL5zycEO8gr_CrgCLcBGAs/s1600/Lady%2BMacbeth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="930" data-original-width="679" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_tHbczuAzeY/XNBV8BdIuyI/AAAAAAAAWVE/Lm8g0f8HVnc20Pc2IoKL5zycEO8gr_CrgCLcBGAs/s320/Lady%2BMacbeth.jpg" width="233" /></a>The second, my "fake" sister in law is a demon -- evil, and ghastly inside and out. A dark-haired, scrawny, sinister, scheming, insincere witch. You could say behind every bad man is an evil woman, a bad influence, his worst half, a Lady Macbeth, a toxic, controlling, manipulative, selfish monster with more ambition than ethics, who goads her partner into evil-doing. The eldest of my two younger brothers was mostly a sweet kid but he outgrew it. He could be cruel. He was irresponsible. His recklessness went well past his teen years. There were moments he almost seemed redeemable. The right woman may have steered him in the right direction. Unfortunately he inevitably got involved with a toxic narcissist and she has brought out the worst in him, poisoned him against his family, poisoned his true nature, destroyed the few things about him that were beautiful and genuine, turned him into nothing more than a self-serving vulture like she is. For brevity's sake I will refer to my black sheep brother as "<b>C</b>" and his wretched bitch of a pseudo-wife (non-wedding, not sure it was legal. I wasn't there. No one was invited.) as "<b>X</b>." I had been hearing a LOT about C and X over the past year or so (mostly from my mother) and it was mostly bad. Frankly I was getting sick of it.<br />
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My mother calls me EVERY SINGLE DAY and vents to me about things that are bothering her, in the news and in her life. Mostly I kept getting an ear-full about all of the shady, suspicious, disturbing and bizarre things that my brother "C" and his almost-wife "X" had said and done. Frustratingly <b>my Mom forbade me to confront them about any of these things</b>. "Don't start anything!" she'd say if there was a family event. She knew that I was growing angrier and angrier with them with each story she told me but she still insisted: "Don't say anything!" So I had been holding things in a long time. I promised I wouldn't "start" anything but if they brought it up, if they pushed me I would be forced to tell them exactly what I thought/felt about all this shit. There was an incident recently that kind of blew the lid off so it's all coming out now, here.<br />
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There was a time I wanted to believe X was nice. She was with my brother so she was going to be around. I was nice to her. I tried to like her. Really I did. For the most part I try to see the best in people but it's hard to ignore when they keep showing you their worst. Time and again she kept trying to turn my brother against his family. She got angry with my Mom and Dad for getting her name wrong (leaving off the last vowel), even after she'd been with my brother for years. She told my brother "Your family DOESN'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME!" even though all the rest of us got it right. It was just my Mom and Dad. In fairness, they didn't see her that often, maybe a few times a year. My Mom is terrible with names. She sometimes gets MY name wrong. My dad was in a coma for weeks as a child and had a stroke as an adult. He's been diagnosed with cognitive impairment. So I don't think you can fault HIM for getting your name wrong. (At this writing I think he still calls her the wrong name. Luckily he doesn't have to see/talk to her much if at all.) And hey, he only missed one letter. I used to have people call me "Mary-Anne" all the time. I tried not to take it personally. I thought "Oh well, they were close. At least they're trying." Mind you I don't think I ever had a boyfriend's parents get my name wrong.<br />
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So, OK I suppose you might be hurt if people didn't remember your name. But X was so easily offended, even by things that had absolutely NOTHING to do with her and seemed to think the world revolved around her. One year at Christmas I made a song and slideshow video for my family called "My Home" and gave it to them on DVD. There were several family photos in it. I didn't have too many photos where we were ALL together as a group so I used what I had. There was ONE group photo of the family where my brother was with another girl that he had dated. X was apparently jealous and enraged by the photo (which is on the screen a whopping 3 seconds out of a 3 minute song) and brainwashed my brother into thinking I had made the video JUST to hurt her. "OMG. WHAT PLANET IS SHE FROM?!" I said to my Mom. Meanwhile the guy that I was dating at the time didn't care one straw that there were SEVERAL photos of me with a previous boyfriend (12 seconds worth of air time!) He wasn't jealous. He didn't think I was trying to hurt him. He knew that I made the video for my FAMILY, to say how much I love THEM. He knew that I obviously had a life before him and he was fine with that because he was a normal, sane individual who didn't expect the world to revolve around HIM. But to X, a text-book NARCISSIST, EVERYTHING is about HER. Now that she was in C's life I guess we were all supposed to bend over backwards to make her feel important. The thing was she was constantly proving how insignificant we were to her. It was apparent she'd rather have nothing to do with us. The feeling was mutual.<br />
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You couldn't win with X anyway so there was no point trying. She was so strange you just never knew what to expect from her. Some of her actions and especially her timing was off the charts awful/tone deaf/ridiculous where you'd have to ask "Is she really that CLUELESS or is she really that CRUEL?!" My money was on cruel. It seemed she didn't like our family. She didn't like coming to family events and tried to stop C from going. She even made a comment to my sister at one point -- "I'm excluding myself from Pincivero events" but then would randomly show up when you least expected. She made them miss my niece's communion. She started a fight with C so he missed my brother's 40th birthday. My brother never used to miss my nephews' birthdays but then he missed a few because of her. Most recently he told my sister he was coming to Reggie's communion but then never showed up and said he "forgot." I'm sure that X was behind that.<br />
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She made a comment once to my sister that "MY family was very different. WE were independent. WE all worked for a living." The implication seemed to be that her family dynamic was preferable/superior. May felt it was a dig at her because she works from home (meanwhile X is self-employed too) and meant to disparage my stay at home Mom. (She was a home maker while my dad went out to work.) X's family was very different. The opposite of ours in fact. While my Mom wanted to keep all her baby birds in the nest, X's parents couldn't wait to push she and her brother out and move far away from them so X and her bro apparently wound up moving in together to make ends meet. I think that either extreme -- holding onto your kids too tightly so that they can't grow/stand on their own or pushing them out too soon so they feel rejected and abandoned -- could be detrimental. Somewhere in the middle -- being supportive and loving and making your children feel safe while also encouraging them to learn and grow and stand on their own -- would be perfect. But there are no perfect parents and everyone does the best that they can. You need to do what's right for you. For my Mom, her kids were her top priority. Other people might value career, travel, other aspects of life aside from their children. Some people don't even raise their own children -- they send them away to boarding school, have nannies to look after them etc. Like my Mom, I put my child first. I certainly would never push Michelle out of the nest too soon but unlike my Mom I do want to support and encourage her independence as well. I would not hold her back if she wanted to leave. I would not try to imprison or emotionally blackmail her into staying like my Mom did with me.<br />
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Not all families are close. A lot of people are estranged from their families. Many people find it strange that ours gets together so often. Most people stop celebrating their childrens' birthdays with them once they reach adulthood. They may get together once or twice a year at the most. It's my Mom who insists that we get together for every birthday and occasion. My sister and me are also devoted to our family. My brothers are a little less involved (well one of them lives quite far away so he has a good excuse!) but still get together a few times a year. My Mom refers to the saying "A son is a son til he takes a wife. A daughter's a daughter all of her life." Females do tend to be more nurturing and involved. I'm so glad Michelle is a girl!<br />
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X was a bit of an anomaly. You never quite knew what to expect. Sometimes it seemed like she was trying to win us over but it just felt unnatural and insincere. It's as if she wants to "appear" to be generous but it's inappropriate and there's usually a self-serving purpose in it for her. She wouldn't just do something nice, there had to be an agenda behind it. She invited us all for dinner at a restaurant for Chris' birthday one year (mostly because she didn't want to have us all at their condo) but then said she was writing it off as a business expense because she talked to us about her painting services. Incidentally she offered to paint my niece's room at a "discount" but my sister politely declined because I would help for FREE. Why would she PAY someone to do a job that I'm happy to do for nothing? I love my sister and I'd do anything for her. I can paint canvases OR walls! We actually had fun painting Shannon's room, May, Shannon and me. I've helped other friends paint their hallways etc and didn't ask for anything. In my first home I painted several rooms myself and did a pretty good job I think! But I guess if that was how you were trying to make a living you'd want to charge for your services, even if it was family. I guess X thought of us more as "potential clients" than family. An opportunist has to be on the lookout for opportunities, after all. She had worked in bars and restaurants but always wound up fighting with the staff because she wanted to control everyone which didn't always go over very well. So then she started doing painting jobs with her brother.<br />
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One of the most disturbing things about X was her tendency to do the most random and inappropriate things with no regard for how it might affect you. It's like she was in her own little world. You had to wonder what the Hell she was thinking. At one time she gave an arbitrary, inapt overly-generous gift to my Mom at a bizarre time and for no occasion. It wasn't Mother's Day or her birthday or Christmas. It was March. The only event that was coming up was that I was going into the hospital for surgery and I was terrified. Out of the blue, X decides to randomly give my Mom a TABLET as a gift, for no reason, no occasion. WHY THOUGH?! It felt like a slap in the face to me. Why would you give my Mom (who is even more resistant to technology than I am) a friggin TABLET when I'm going into the HOSPITAL the next day and then she had the nerve to email us (May, Mikey and me) pestering us for photos to put on it?! Her email even said "You may think I'm crazy..." Well yes, crazy, clueless, an insensitive bitch among other things! It MADE NO SENSE. WTF?! THE DAY BEFORE MY SURGERY?! It was insensitive to say the least. It wasn't like she didn't know it was bad timing. The stupid thing was that X KNEW I was going into the hospital (she wished me luck! LOL) and that my sister was taking me the next day because we had just seen her at a family get-together. She knew it was a difficult time for me and that I was stressed about going to the hospital. She knew that my sister was taking me. We were busy. We were worried about my health. WHY ON EARTH was she wasting our time and getting my Mom a stupid friggin tablet and asking us for pictures?! NOW of all the times! It made NO SENSE. "What the HELL is wrong with her?!" It's like she's so devoid of human empathy she could literally hand out her business card at a funeral or ask the grieving widower if she could take his wife's ring because "Hey we're the same size! And she doesn't need it anymore..." I was furious. My sister was exasperated. "What do I even say? I'm just not responding to her." It was WEIRD AF. When I replied to X's ridiculous email (days later, after surviving surgery) I tried to restrain myself from asking "What the FUCK is wrong with you?!" and just said it was kind of a STRANGE thing to do/UNUSUAL timing and that my Mom hates new technology so I wasn't sure it was the best idea anyway. I couldn't make sense of it. No one could. Was she trying to be nice? What did she hope to gain? In retrospect I think perhaps X was hoping I'd die in surgery and then she could swoop in as a hero to my Mom like "Hey, I can take her place as your other daughter! Look how nice I am! I got you this expensive tablet!" I don't know, man. I'm at a loss.<br />
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It's like she gets an idea in her head and will just run with it whether you want it or not. Maybe she's trying to be nice but it comes out wrong? Or maybe she's just trying to manipulate and control people in some way. When someone insists on giving you something you didn't ask for and don't want, that's not generous, it's oppressive. It's a way of controlling you. Telling you how to live your life: Like giving a cookbook to someone who hates cooking, self-help books to someone who doesn't like reading or believe in self-help, or forcing unwanted technology on a technophobe. Giving my Mom the tablet quickly seemed like a sneaky way for X to try to control Mom, to keep tabs on her. My Mom was rather creeped out that X had set the tablet up for her with a banking app on it and everything. She thought maybe X was trying to hack into her banking information. My Mom was clueless about technology (she doesn't own a computer or cellphone) and got my much more techno-savvy niece to delete the apps Mom didn't want (like banking and Uber! As if my Mom would ever take an UBER! Like hitching a ride from a stranger! She won't even take a regular CAB! Clearly X knew NOTHING about my Mom. But shouldn't my brother have known better? Oh, right, my brother probably didn't have much say in anything now that X owned him.)<br />
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I have no patience for BS and insincerity. Why even bother? There was one time that X told me she'd sent me a long heartfelt email and wondered why I never responded. I was shocked. I never got it. I wasn't sure if it wound up in my spam folder or what. If I'd seen it I definitely would have been curious because we'd NEVER had a heartfelt talk. I wasn't even sure she had a heart to speak from. I told her that I never got it but please send it again and she never did. She said she was glad she hadn't sent it and didn't really feel that way anymore. It was weird. Had she really even sent it or only thought she did? Later I realized there probably never WAS such an email! Maybe she made the whole thing up! But WHY would you invent a story like that?! What could she hope to gain? Maybe she just lied for the hell of it. Or perhaps she wanted it to <i>seem </i>like she had tried to open up to me and that <i>I</i> was the one who was closed off. Maybe it was to fool me into revealing things to her. Of course I'm an open book, heart on my sleeve anyway. Unfortunately opening up to her even slightly was always a huge mistake because she would twist everything you said until it bore no resemblance to what you said. It seemed it was better just not to talk to her at all, which was easy because I never saw her. Never called or emailed her unless she sent me something. But then for some reason last year she kept showing up at my Mom's. And I kept hearing about her. Each story more cringe-worthy than the last.<br />
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Things seemed to get worse after their "non-wedding" last Summer. First of all none of us could understand why after living together for a decade or more, C and X all of a sudden HAD to get married, the next month, without a proper ceremony, without any rings (nope my bro didn't spring for an engagement OR wedding ring) and to drop the news on MOTHER'S DAY and break my Mom's heart (because she wasn't invited, nor were any of us.) Why the sudden urgency? My brother in law joked that maybe X was pregnant. AS IF. X looked rather disdainfully on the very idea of having children. When my Mom and Shane asked her about having kids her answer was "Why would I DO that to myself?!" She is anorexic. You can see her bones. She's like 80 lbs. She barely eats enough to sustain her own life never mind house an infant. She would NEVER let herself get fat. No chance of her getting pregnant. Plus she was bragging how well off they are, how their condo is almost paid off, how they can go on trips whenever they want. Why would they spoil that with children? Let's face it: Kids are EXPENSIVE!<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BNfiJk0kow8/XN2TfzhnQ1I/AAAAAAAAWa0/pd08lJOJvs0HvqjyKqDrVJE32-ChWniAACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/selfish%2Bbitch.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BNfiJk0kow8/XN2TfzhnQ1I/AAAAAAAAWa0/pd08lJOJvs0HvqjyKqDrVJE32-ChWniAACK4BGAYYCw/s320/selfish%2Bbitch.png" width="320" /></a>My brother in law, who doesn't worry about offending people apparently called her a SELFISH BITCH right to her face! (EPIC! I wish I'd been there for that!) Mind you, in fairness deciding not to have kids doesn't necessarily make you selfish. Quite the opposite sometimes. I had a friend years ago that didn't believe in having kids because the world is already too overpopulated and messed up as it is and how could you bring a child into that? So I get that. There was a time (for most of my life actually) when I felt that, like my brother, I would never have children. I couldn't see myself as a Mom. I didn't think I could handle the enormous responsibility. I thought that I was too immature, too selfish. It all changed when I found out I was pregnant. My maternal instincts kicked in, full blast. I was living for someone else. I felt more love than I had ever felt. Michelle is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She brings so much joy and purpose to my life. But not everyone gets that. To each their own. Still, if your reasons for not having kids are because you'd rather be skinny and have a lot of money that does, at the very least, sound pretty shallow.<br />
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The weird thing about C & X suddenly RUSHING to get married (all of a sudden a month after their announcement and at a local beach no less) is that they had AMPLE opportunities to get married before that, in FAR better circumstances. They could have eloped on any of their tropical vacations and it would have made a lot more sense. My brother told my Mom that SEVERAL of the trips X had booked for them -- to Jamaica, Cuba, etc had all been WEDDING PACKAGES! Each time, it would seem, X was trying to lure/trap my brother C into tying the knot but it never happened. My brother made it sound like HE was the one who didn't want to get married but X made it sound to my Mom like SHE was the one who had been holding out until he finally convinced her to tie the knot. One of them has to be lying. Weirdly C never did give X a ring of any kind. No real wedding. No ring. It's like he didn't really want to marry her. So why do it? Even my brother in law teased him about it "What's the matter C? Too cheap to get her a ring?!"<br />
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At one point things got really weird. Apparently X had the NERVE, the UNMITIGATED GALL to ask my Mom for her wedding ring! Wait, WHAT?! At some point they were at my sister's place (maybe before Christmas?) and X was trying on my Mom's rings and saying how she and my mom were the same size. (To clarify: My Mom is 90 lbs because she's a petite 4'11". X is 80 lbs because she DOESN'T EAT!) She rudely asked my Mom for her ring and then suggested she could leave it to her in her will?! WTF?! IN HER WILL?! Who the FUCK does she think she is?! My sister and me were LIVID when we heard about this but my Mom told me not to say anything to C or X about it. I rarely see them and when I do it's at a family event where I see them in passing and rarely have a real conversation with them. My sister abhors conflict and will keep the peace no matter what. So we just kind of held it in but it has been eating away at me. This bitch is BARELY EVEN IN THE FAMILY and she's already asking to be in my Mom's will and trying to TAKE HER WEDDING BAND?! Not OK. Not even subtle.<br />
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An important side note -- X had apparently pestered my Mom about making a will ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS (because I kept hearing about it!)<br />
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One time X even showed up at my Mom's place like the Grim Reaper and said she'd help her to "clear out/get rid of" Mom's stuff (my Mom is a hoarder and X is an extreme minimalist, so yeah, like TOTAL OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM). My Mom politely declined X's offer to pillage her home to which X replied that Mom better get rid of stuff or else "someone will have to do it <b>once you're gone</b>!" Nice daughter in law! Monster. Trying to steal my Mom's ring, take her stuff and kill her off? Kind of makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it? X has shown up at my Mom's place uninvited several times. She always says she was "just in the area." It gives me the creeps just thinking about it. Talk about unwanted guests! I don't know why my Mom answers the door. One time my Mom said she was walking back from the mailbox and X was there in the driveway waiting for her. CREEPY AF.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mtO1_XUMqC0/XN2ZCeGRGCI/AAAAAAAAWbA/I5XxY1njrXQ-SYXO8kP_mFuu2HhtpZXsgCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/pms%2Bocd%2Badd%2Bcleaning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mtO1_XUMqC0/XN2ZCeGRGCI/AAAAAAAAWbA/I5XxY1njrXQ-SYXO8kP_mFuu2HhtpZXsgCK4BGAYYCw/s320/pms%2Bocd%2Badd%2Bcleaning.jpg" width="320" /></a>Apparently both C and X have gone to my Mom's place and badgered her about keeping the main floor bathroom clean. My brother installed a toilet and sink for my Mom. When her toilet stopped working he said he'd get her a new one and gave her a used one from a house he'd been working on. Then he said he'd replace the sink too to match and X painted the room. After that they started acting like they OWNED it, were possessive of it and would show up randomly to check on it. (Weird, right?!) My brother gave my Mom a hard time once about leaving a bit of soap on the sink! (This coming from a guy that was a total slob growing up and left clothes and trash everywhere. And you would have JUST cleaned the bathroom so it was spotless and then he'd shave and leave little black hairs everywhere and not even rinse the sink! But now his "wife" has him so brainwashed he's turned into a "Sleeping with the Enemy" OCD psycho control freak?) First of all, Fucko, I don't keep my house spotless every moment if I'm not expecting company. Who does?! Our mother who is elderly and blind in one eye doesn't have to keep her bathroom spotless every second just in case you drop by like a psychopath. Secondly, don't do the "pop in!" The pop in is RUDE AF. It's passive aggressive and unfair. Let her know you're coming so she can pretend not to be home! I don't know why Mom even answers the door to you freaks. CALL AHEAD. Give her fair warning.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Nn8FodvmB98/XNB6lsMONYI/AAAAAAAAWV0/22ylojCgaeAi-lxeCgTW1SA4AK0w5cPvQCLcBGAs/s1600/on%2Ba%2Bshort%2Bleash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="325" data-original-width="468" height="222" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Nn8FodvmB98/XNB6lsMONYI/AAAAAAAAWV0/22ylojCgaeAi-lxeCgTW1SA4AK0w5cPvQCLcBGAs/s320/on%2Ba%2Bshort%2Bleash.jpg" width="320" /></a>In fairness my brother usually does tell my Mom when he's coming to her place for <i>dinner</i>. (Mostly because he wants the food ready when he gets there.) He usually pops by when he needs something from her garage (he doesn't have a house, only a tiny condo so he uses my parent's garage as a workshop and storage for his tools among other things), to pick up his mail (he STILL gets mail at her house 15 years later?!) or because he's working in the area and he might as well get a free meal while he's there. My Mom looks forward to seeing him but it's never really a visit. It's more like feeding a wolf. He shows up for dinner late, scarfs down the meal and leaves. He's a dog on a VERY short leash. He's got to hurry home to the master.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DFQ8V7fldeQ/XN2eB51yDwI/AAAAAAAAWbM/AZ9BwfSVZyIw7jOamH6u4qsP7D7b2ckiACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/possessive%2Bcontrolling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DFQ8V7fldeQ/XN2eB51yDwI/AAAAAAAAWbM/AZ9BwfSVZyIw7jOamH6u4qsP7D7b2ckiACK4BGAYYCw/s320/possessive%2Bcontrolling.jpg" width="320" /></a>Even in the brief time that C is at my Mom's, X has called or texted him at least 3 times to check on him. Bizarre! She can't let him out of her sight. Strangely enough, when my brother is coming for dinner, let's say on a Thursday, sometimes X will show up earlier that day to talk to my Mom, saying she was just "in the area." It seems like she's checking up to make sure that C's alibi checks out and that he really is having dinner at his Mom's? (Maybe she suspects him of cheating? And with how fast he rushes out of my Mom's maybe he does go somewhere after?) It's just super weird that my Mom sees X in the afternoon and C for dinner on the same day but they never come over together. Just one of the many strange things about C and X. And whatever. I don't really care. It doesn't matter to me what is wrong in their relationship. I just worry about their intentions and their actions toward my Mom. I don't trust them.<br />
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C and X have both pestered my Mom about "getting rid of things." Now granted, my Mom is a hoarder or more euphemistically, a "Maximalist." She has a LOT of stuff. But X is the LAST person that should be talking to my Mom about it because she is an EXTREME Minimalist. She doesn't believe in having ANYTHING. She has almost no possessions. No sentimentality. No stuff. She has like one sweater, one purse, one pair of jeans. My Mom has hundreds of sweaters and purses and pants in every conceivable colour. Yes X and my Mom are polar opposites. X can't stand cluttered spaces because they make her feel suffocated (needless to say she finds my Mom's place quite unbearable. Then stop going there uninvited!) My Mom can't stand empty spaces because they make her feel sad/lonely.<br />
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Hoarders are trying to fill a void. It's not rocket science to figure it out. All addictions come from a need to fill a void/a distraction from a painful loss etc. What my Mom wanted more than anything was to hold on to all of her kids. Some parents can't wait to push their kids out of the nest. My Mom is the opposite. She never wanted us to leave. I was the only one to never get married/live with anyone so she got to hold on to me longer than most and she said she'd die if I left. Paralyzing guilt and fear notwithstanding I did finally move away and get a home on my own but I made a point to visit her as often as I could. And talk to her every day. I was the one she held onto the longest. With all of her kids gone she started filling the space more and more. If she can't have her KIDS at least she has her THINGS. She loves cute and beautiful things that make her happy.<br />
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As a fellow shopaholic/maximalist/collector myself, I can relate to that. While I do find some minimalist decor beautiful to look at in a magazine, to me that's not a home. It's cold and soulless. Empty. A home is meant to be LIVED in, filled with memories and souvenirs of the life you've lived. I like when everything is tidy and organized but I have a LOT of stuff. I like to think of myself more as a "collector" than a hoarder. If you have a collection that is aesthetically pleasing then that is not clutter. (For instance I organize my books by colour like they've done in this photo here. I have a mild case of rainbow-itis and I love having a lot of colour around me. Michelle's toys are slowly taking over the house, including the kitchen and family room so there is a LOT of colour!) I love my things. I would not be willing to throw them all away. Of course "stuff" isn't as important as people but you do get attached to it.<br />
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One of my cousins who talks to my Mom often complains almost every day about the "things" that her kids got rid of when they helped her move. Her kids selfishly trashed many of her beloved possessions because it was "just junk" to them -- her collection of tacky 1970s bric a brac -- most notably her cherished "doll lamp" (which WAS admittedly hideous but she loved it. It was worse than the one pictured here.) No matter what anyone else thought of it SHE loved it. Her kids had no right to get rid of her things without her permission. She has NEVER gotten over it. She talks about it all the time. It is cruel and callous to take away something that someone loves. Now her kids are bickering over their father's estate since he passed away, instead of cherishing their time with their mother who is still here. The family is in turmoil fighting over who gets what. (Their father didn't make a will. He didn't want anyone to have anything.) With her kids at war she said to my Mom "You're so lucky your kids get along!" My Mom was like, hold my beer. She should have explained, it's only because I won't let Ann Marie speak up about all the shady stuff her a-hole bro and his bitch fake-wife are up to. But they will push her too far and she will finally spill the beans in her blog...<br />
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My Mom, like our cousin, LOVES her stuff. For my Mom, stockpiling, shopping, accumulating was her way of dealing with her baby birds leaving the nest. If you moved out, Mom turned your room into another storage room. Pain sends her shopping. It was her way of coping. To fill the void, fill the emptiness with stuff. So the 4 bedroom house is now a 4 closet house. Does my Mom have WAY too much stuff? Yup. Should she try to clear some of it out? Of course. But bullying her into doing it is not the way. Telling her that her treasures are junk and telling her to get rid of it is not the way. And someone who doesn't believe in keeping ANYTHING is the last person that should help her. To X, ALL of it would be trash. And she's got C brainwashed into minimalism too. He used to have a LOT of stuff. He had to get rid of most of his clothes when he moved in with X. In fairness I'm sure they don't have room for clothes with all the skeletons in their closets. But I won't even get into that. My beef with them is their treatment of my Mom, my sister and me. Still so much to get through and this is already so long! I have to get this crap out like exorcising a demon because holding it in all this time has been killing me and now after Easter weekend I am DONE holding stuff in.<br />
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Of all the annoying/frustrating/creepy/awful things that I heard or learned about X, the worst was her badgering my Mom about making a will. It's not a good look. Callous exploitation of others and an utter lack of empathy? TOTAL NARCISSIST. Just out to see how much she can get. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I mean, she's not even SUBTLE about it! Barely even in the family and trying to get into my Mom's will?! What the holy hell is wrong with you?! My Mom was getting so fed up that she finally told us "If X asks me about my will ONE MORE TIME I'm going to tell her I'm leaving everything to my GRANDCHILDREN!" So childless C & X would get NOTHING. My baby brother, incidentally found that hilarious when my Mom told him. Of course he and my sister each have 3 children and I have one. I have NEVER asked my Mom about a will. Because I love my MOM. I'm not out to get her stuff/home/money! I don't even want to go there. I can't even think about losing my Mom period. My sister and me were FURIOUS that X would have the nerve to ask for my Mom's ring. Who the HELL does she think she is?! My Mom has two daughters and several grand-daughters. If she was leaving something as personal and valuable as a gold ring it would go to one of us, not some greedy/grasping barely family VULTURE! Who cares if they're the same size?! I'd wear it on a chain around my neck. I told May she should have it because she's the oldest. She said I should have it because I'm the most sentimental. The bottom line is we want to keep our MOTHER not her damn ring and who the Hell does this gold-digging little snake think she is?! My parents aren't even wealthy. It must be scary for rich folks. After Eric and Lyle Menendez killed their parents to get their money it must have made a lot of wealthy people nervous around their sons! Especially if they kept asking about the will! You don't even have to be wealthy for people to try to steal from you though. It happens all the time. And who wouldn't be a little wary of a creepy daughter in law stalking you and asking about your will?!<br />
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On X's birthday she showed up at my Mom's place, uninvited as usual. My Mom didn't realize it was X's birthday. Even though X put it into the tablet. (She added all of our birthdays into my Mom's tablet but had the dates wrong. The only one she got right was her OWN birthday. I guess she was hoping it would inspire my Mom to get her a gift?) Anyway she shows up and says she's there for a hug and brags to my Mom about how she's having a big party for her birthday (and my Mom isn't invited. Because slapping my Mom in the face with #unvitations is her jam, apparently.) After her birthday she told my Mom about the Japanese restaurant where they had dinner, a place where they prepare the food in front of you, with a flame on the grill etc. My Mom, trying to be polite, feigned mild interest. "That's nice. I've never had Japanese food." X took that to mean that my Mom wanted to go there and offered to host C's birthday there. She invited the whole family saying it was on her, she would pay for dinner (actually lunch because it was from 2-4 pm.) We could contribute to tips if we wished. How generous of her to host a lunch for 17 people. My Mom was worried about it. She didn't know if she'd like the food. She was nervous about sitting close to an open flame (she's terrified of fire.) I told her it would be fun. I was curious to see what it was like. We figured X was willing to pay for the lunch because at least then she wouldn't have to have us over to her condo (we'd only been invited there once in the past 15 years.) And she would probably write it off as a bogus business expense anyway.<br />
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Next thing you know, X CALLS MY MOM (Oh! So she IS actually capable of CALLING on the phone instead of just SHOWING UP AT THE DOOR UNINVITED LIKE THE GRIM REAPER!) and leaves a message: "I hope you're going to bring a POSITIVE attitude to the restaurant because this is costing me FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS..." OMG. It was the tackiest thing I'd ever heard. Who DOES that?! Why do it then if you're going to complain about it? Why offer something no one asked for and then complain about having to do it? We didn't ask you to buy us lunch so why are you telling us how much it costs?! That's the OPPOSITE of generosity. If you're giving from a stingy heart, honey don't even bother. I would have thought my Mom was exaggerating/making it up. I didn't think anyone could ACTUALLY be that rude/classless but Mom played me the message on her answering machine and there it was. Yup. X was a next level crass, crude, classless bitch. But things were going to get even more cringe-worthy with C and X...<br />
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My brother in law finished the basement, with a movie room, Lego room, play room and art room but he left a few finishing touches undone. My niece was in her art room downstairs and was concerned about spiders/bugs coming in because there was no baseboard. Shane was busy and didn't have time or feel like doing it so he called my brother, who is a carpenter, to see if he could do it. He had done work for them before.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhcdKw3cbow/XNG8cFjMhZI/AAAAAAAAWXM/Z1FWtFTkAcIrjWYM9oKO06OSVxyGjU3ggCLcBGAs/s1600/%2524400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="461" data-original-width="646" height="228" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhcdKw3cbow/XNG8cFjMhZI/AAAAAAAAWXM/Z1FWtFTkAcIrjWYM9oKO06OSVxyGjU3ggCLcBGAs/s320/%2524400.jpg" width="320" /></a>Coincidentally the job was going to cost $400 (sound familiar?) The materials were $200. My sister said don't be shy and to charge them whatever he'd normally charge for his time. So he charged another $200 for his labour. (It's worth noting that although C has never been fond of me, he loves my sister and I was surprised he would actually take money from her for his labour, especially charging her the same as he'd charge someone off the street. She's his SISTER! I'd think maybe he was hard up for money but C & X had both bragged about how well off they were -- the condo being almost paid off, rich enough to go on trips and take everyone out to restaurants etc. C at one point even told my Mom he could afford to BUY HER HOUSE (out from under her, for a small fraction of what it's worth.) He tried to convince her to downsize, get rid of all her stuff and move into their condo and then they would take her house to fix it up and presumably sell it for 3x what they paid because my brother is just a low-life shyster who will try to steal my Mom's house out from under her and profit from it. Diabolical. Luckily she said HELL NO! When my mother told me about that it gave me the creeps. My sister found it disturbing as well but we never confronted C about it. May because she's Switzerland and will try to keep the peace and avoid confrontation no matter what and me because my Mom kept saying "Don't say anything!" and truly I don't see my brother often and when I do we don't exactly have REAL conversations.<br />
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Anyway, so C does this job and takes the $400. Two days later in a bizarre twist of events, he suddenly calls Shane and says that he just realized he only had $200 not $400 and was accusing Shane of short-changing him. Wait, WHAT?! According to my sister, Shane paid C in four $100 bills. One, two, three, four. You might miscount a stack of $20s but you can not miscount FOUR BILLS. He counted them out to C. C took it and left. He would have noticed at the time if there had been only TWO bills. (I believe my sister and Shane over C and X 1000%!) Then two days later two of the hundreds were supposedly missing. My Mom just assumed that because my brother is a bumbling, scatter-brained, disorganized loser that he probably lost the bills or didn't remember spending them. But how humiliating to call my brother in law and ask for more after he paid him! Unbelievable. It was odd to say the least.<br />
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When my sister told me about it, I knew something didn't add up. Something felt really OFF about the whole thing. Then it occurred to me. Of course! An explanation of what really happened: X STOLE THE MONEY. She stole the $200 and fooled my brother into thinking he never got it! I was almost certain. I felt it in my gut. My sister told me Shane thought the EXACT same thing. The fact that without speaking to each other we both jumped to the same conclusion is not a coincidence. It's because we can both see through X. I told May "OK. X 100% took the money and there are two reasons:<br />
1. It puts a dent in the expensive lunch that she was griping about having to pay for ("This is costing me $400!" -- even though it was HER idea and we didn't ask her to do it.)<br />
2. It creates a rift between C and Shane -- C thinks that Shane has cheated him and will be resentful. Shane thinks C is trying to cheat him (actually he thinks passive aggressive X stole it) -- so C won't want to come over for family events anymore. X has been trying to keep him away from his family and now she has caused a conflict, while she appears to look innocent!" A fiendish plan but it works like a charm! It's all a show with X. She is completely insincere. She will offer to buy you lunch and then complain about it. She will pretend to be nice while she plots your destruction. She will steal money and put the blame on someone else to destroy a relationship. Pure evil. My poor sister found the whole thing upsetting, suspicious, shady and felt caught in the middle but she was determined to keep the peace so despite her suspicions/concerns, she certainly wasn't going to confront C or X about it. She did find it curious however that X didn't respond to her text when she said Shane couldn't make it to the lunch because he had to work. X could have at the very least said "OK. Thanks for letting me know." She should have been relieved she had one less mouth to feed. I think she was too ashamed/embarrassed to even acknowledge my sister because of her guilt over stealing the money from C and putting the blame on Shane. It was a very awkward situation and my sister wasn't sure how to even deal with her. Luckily she was seated at the very opposite end of an extremely long table (the last supper had nothing on this one!) So she couldn't have said anything to C and X if she wanted to.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-12uZaU21tW0/XKYmGnc0VyI/AAAAAAAAV_Y/5XTD14apD0UwvvsIUd6QjWnMMw5xKPXbQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3716.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-12uZaU21tW0/XKYmGnc0VyI/AAAAAAAAV_Y/5XTD14apD0UwvvsIUd6QjWnMMw5xKPXbQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3716.JPG" width="320" /></a>I was pretty stressed about the lunch because I was disgusted with C and X and couldn't even say anything about it. Then to add to the stress traffic was horrendous and I wound up being late. I had to drive all the way to pick up my Mom and Dad and then all the way to the restaurant. Feeling pretty frazzled when I arrived I just handed C a bottle of wine, wished him happy birthday and took my designated seat. Yes there was literally "assigned seating." It was hilarious. X is such a control freak she had place cards dictating where we had to sit! I would have liked to be next to May so I could talk with her. Instead we had all our kids as a buffer between us. (I'm sure it was designed that way so we couldn't gossip/compare notes.) At least X sat my Mom in the middle by the sink and away from the flame she was terrified of. My Mom leaned away as the flames shot up. I thought it was cool and took a photo. Michelle loved it.<br />
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At least the restaurant was pretty cool, I'll give her that. The food was delicious. I loved the spectacle of it -- the flames shooting up, how they chop and cook the food in front of you. It was fun. The chef even threw pieces of broccoli for people to catch in their mouths. I was the only one at my table who caught it. Michelle enjoyed herself too. She even ate with chopsticks which was adorable. She didn't finish her chicken and rice so I wound up eating the rest of hers. It was so good. So the restaurant was good. If you could forget all the drama and incivility and underhandedness surrounding the event. It was kind of an awkward meal time. Too late for lunch, too early for dinner. Maybe it was cheaper that way. They were singing "Happy Birthday" at another table. I guess X didn't spring for that for my brother. It didn't feel like a birthday without cake or anything but she was just anxious to be rid of us. We were going for a visit at May's afterward anyway.<br />
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After lunch I wanted to get a photo with the whole group. My Mom had gone to the bathroom and people were getting tired of waiting, some were just taking the picture without her. I didn't want a photo with everyone BUT Mom in it. That would be stupid. I wanted the WHOLE family together for what may be the last time because X seemed to have a plan to divide and conquer and it was going well for her so far. We (everyone but C & X and Mike and his family had to head back home) went to May's for a visit afterward because we barely got to see or speak to each other at the restaurant. It's always great hanging out at May's. We had a ball talking and laughing and comparing notes. Apparently X told Julie that she'd become a vegetarian? That was new. Of course when you don't eat anything anyway you might as well say you're a vegetarian! Might as well say vegan for that matter! What difference would it make? We all agreed that X was constantly saying one thing and doing another. She loved to travel but then said she'd never get on a plane again after their last trip. It's like she was always trying to be something she wasn't. Pretentious. Nothing was ever real. It was always for show. She'd pretend to do something generous just to get praise for it and then complain about it. Anyway it was nice to be around real people and having some real laughs. We wound up watching stand up comics and I laughed so hard my head hurt. It was nice to forget about our own family drama for a while. One stand up comic even made a joke about the "pop in" -- In the old days you looked forward to surprise visits but no one wants them anymore. Now if someone shows up at the door unexpectedly you're on high alert. Sometimes for good reason. It's important to find a way to laugh. Life is ridiculous and laughter is absolutely a survival mechanism.<br />
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I'd like to say that this concludes the dark and angry portion of my blog but something happens Easter weekend that actually pushed me to talk about any of this so I'll get to that later...I'll leave the venting parts in asterisks so you can skip through them if you choose to. Or I may have edited this out and you won't even see it. I'll decide once I finish the whole post. My Mom doesn't want me to publish it. I told her I'd wait until after Mother's Day at least...<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-K2B4ENylLCw/XL1SjfcZm9I/AAAAAAAAWBg/de4j98Lm9zYdE9wMyPkJiwwRheADp_QVQCLcBGAs/s1600/Michelle%2Bwith%2Bboys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1387" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-K2B4ENylLCw/XL1SjfcZm9I/AAAAAAAAWBg/de4j98Lm9zYdE9wMyPkJiwwRheADp_QVQCLcBGAs/s320/Michelle%2Bwith%2Bboys.jpg" width="277" /></a><br />
And then it was April! Just like that! It was still pretty chilly. Michelle wanted to go to the park even if it was in her Winter coat! She had fun playing with her friends. At one point she was telling them to act like they were cats and she was telling them what to do. It was cute. I like to see my Girl Boss in control! Hopefully no one ever pushes her around.<br />
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At one point there was an older boy at the park picking on her friends. I asked him didn't his school tell him that bullying was wrong and to just leave them alone. I will never understand why big kids have to pick on little kids. I guess it goes back to the David and Goliath thing. It's a challenge as old as time. I root for the underdogs, little guys, good guys. If I had my way nice guys wouldn't finish last. Aside from the bully it was a nice trip to the park and I enjoyed talking to the other Moms.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pPL34FnuAzM/XL1SwDMnFFI/AAAAAAAAWBo/33o3eQr04SsvkB6O7tCOFY6Cb--IJDdnACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3763.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1131" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pPL34FnuAzM/XL1SwDMnFFI/AAAAAAAAWBo/33o3eQr04SsvkB6O7tCOFY6Cb--IJDdnACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3763.JPG" width="226" /></a>And then I met another Single Mom! After school one day one of Michelle's friend's Moms caught up with me and in the midst of chatting she mentioned her "ex." "Oh, you're divorced?" I hadn't realized she was on her own when I'd seen her before. "I thought I was the only Single Mom in the neighbourhood!" I said. "Nope! There are two of us!" High five! She was so cool. She read Eckhart Tolle, she loved art and flowers (she even worked in a garden centre.) Later she sent me a text inviting us to a BBQ at her place on the weekend. Michelle could have a play date with her friend and I could talk to her Mom. We were psyched. The weather was FINALLY going to be warm!<br />
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It was a beautiful day. Michelle had a ball playing with her friend and I had a lovely afternoon talking to my new friend. I was so happy to meet another Single Mom. I had felt like I was the only one. There is a sisterhood in being a Single Mom. No one else can really understand what you go through on your own.<br />
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My friend had had a rough time in her relationship, in many ways far more difficult than what I'd been through. In a way Michelle's dad did us a favour. His absence was the best gift he could have given us. To have someone around who is toxic and be fighting all the time would have been far worse. It would have been a nightmare. At least there is no one to fight with and no one to fight about custody or anything. Michelle is all mine and I have complete control so I can give her the best life possible. I know that a lot of people stay together "for the kids" but it isn't good for kids to see their parents fighting all the time. I think having one parent that loves you completely is better than having two parents in a dysfunctional relationship, whose hatred of each other gets in the way of loving their child. Of course having two happy, loving parents would be ideal. But how often does that happen?<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wVBKQ7WZtlM/XL1SvS_jSVI/AAAAAAAAWBk/lGz1ooBF6nA1SMTjTeCFE2Tk56RHtCQxQCLcBGAs/s1600/Michelle%2BGabriella%2Bplay%2Bdate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1558" data-original-width="1096" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wVBKQ7WZtlM/XL1SvS_jSVI/AAAAAAAAWBk/lGz1ooBF6nA1SMTjTeCFE2Tk56RHtCQxQCLcBGAs/s320/Michelle%2BGabriella%2Bplay%2Bdate.jpg" width="225" /></a>My new friend's ex was still in the picture and he had the kids every other weekend so my friend was able to date. Since I've been out of the dating scene for almost a decade I was curious to hear what it was like and to live vicariously through her. It was as bad or worse than I remembered.<br />
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There was a dating app called "Tinder" which would set you up with matches based on your criteria (kind of like Plenty of Sharks -- my name for Plenty of Fish after my experience and yes, it was how I met her dad! I'm still glad I did or I wouldn't have had Michelle! Thank goodness for my brief acts of recklessness in an otherwise cautious life!) The app even shows you how close they are to you. It was pretty similar to the experience I'd had with POF -- It was discouraging. Most of the guys seemed to only be after one thing, some guys seemed OK but there was no chemistry. There was one guy that she met on the site and he lived right in the neighbourhood. He wanted to come over right away. She was like "Ummm NO!" As if she would just let some random stranger into her home just like that. It was clear that he wanted a hookup. He was very attractive. She wondered if that was really even him. She asked him to send her another more recent photo. In the photo she noticed a wedding ring on his finger. Was he MARRIED?!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pUFlNpqH8CM/XMcU3FJGKZI/AAAAAAAAWPM/E8AelqzIyb8V_ezyo_dRfbYWV432KES1gCLcBGAs/s1600/perfect%2Bfamily.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="558" data-original-width="992" height="180" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pUFlNpqH8CM/XMcU3FJGKZI/AAAAAAAAWPM/E8AelqzIyb8V_ezyo_dRfbYWV432KES1gCLcBGAs/s320/perfect%2Bfamily.jpg" width="320" /></a>Then she saw him at the school dropping his kids off. I got a chill down my back. No. It couldn't be. When she described him he sounded familiar. A photo confirmed it. OMG. OMG. I felt like I was going to throw up. "I KNOW THEM!" On the surface they seemed like the perfect little family. I thought he was a nice guy. And here he was with a fake name on a dating site trying to hook up with random women. I was in shock.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tTcbgF0DL7Q/XMcUqxG9o_I/AAAAAAAAWPI/tlS2XjbCnYoneUIzqY79Saqnd3bXoYOQgCLcBGAs/s1600/male%2Bmodel%2Bgrin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="672" data-original-width="343" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tTcbgF0DL7Q/XMcUqxG9o_I/AAAAAAAAWPI/tlS2XjbCnYoneUIzqY79Saqnd3bXoYOQgCLcBGAs/s320/male%2Bmodel%2Bgrin.jpg" width="163" /></a>I don't know why it was shocking to me. I had seen it before. I used to work somewhere where it seemed like everyone was cheating on their spouse. It was so disillusioning for me as a hopeless romantic wanting to believe in soulmates and happily ever after. They called me a dreamer/delusional and were quick to point out that was why I wasn't married. They tried to tell me that even if you think you're in love in the beginning you can fall out of love, get bored and then you need something else so you either cheat or at the very least fantasize about other people to spice things up. It was heartbreaking. Is that just what men are like? Or was it just a certain type of man -- the womanizer/philanderer, another sort of con artist who would use his charm to seduce every woman he met, who could never really settle down, who thrived on the adrenaline rush of lying, cheating, sneaking around?<br />
"OMG," I said. "I'm glad I don't date! If this is what's out there. Just a bunch of creeps looking for a hook-up and even worse, a-holes out cheating on their wives. No friggin thank you."<br />
I wondered if his wife had any idea. I was heartbroken for her and their kids. What a world. Is anyone what they seem? Is anything real? Does anyone have any morals anymore? It was so disheartening. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to warn her. But it wasn't my place. I wasn't that close to them. And maybe she knew? Maybe they were getting divorced? Or maybe she had no idea. It was just so shady. It made me wonder how many others were leading double lives. Using fake names, sneaking around. How many others were a complete sham? You just never know what's going on behind closed doors. So many people wearing masks, carrying secrets. If only everyone just wore their hearts on their sleeves and were open and honest about their feelings. But the truth blows things up and people will hang on very tightly to their illusions and go to great lengths to avoid facing the truth.<br />
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When you're stressed out, take a hike! I needed some air. Wanted to clear my head. Unfortunately the warm weather didn't last. It was much colder the next day. We should have bundled up more.<br />
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I wanted to go to Webster's Falls. I hadn't been there in years. Michelle's piano teacher had mentioned it.<br />
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I wanted to see the Falls and take some photos. We got a photo from the top of the Falls but I was hoping to hike in the ravine and get a shot from below the Falls. It had been more than a decade since I'd been there and it had changed a lot.<br />
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It was disappointing. There used to be a little path you could take down to the bottom. Now they had a fence built all around so that you couldn't hike down to the bottom of the Falls. Maybe people had gotten injured so they blocked it off so that people couldn't go. The last time I went was in the Summer with a boyfriend at the time and we went right up to the Falls.<br />
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As Michelle and I stood up top looking down we saw some teens at the bottom. They waved up at us. Obviously they had ignored the danger signs and went over the fence to get down there. If I was younger and didn't have a six year old with me I may have attempted it. As a total photoholic I have been known to risk life and limb (even climbing a mountain in Bavaria while wearing a dress! Not exactly dressed for mountain-climbing!) for a photo op. I won't however risk putting Michelle in harm's way.<br />
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Michelle was a little disappointed. I told her we'd go hiking another day to another waterfall. Hopefully one that you could actually GET TO!<br />
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Afterward we went to the park. It was getting really chilly. It makes a big difference when the sun isn't out and it's ALWAYS so windy now. I never remember so many windy days before. Must be another symptom of climate change.<br />
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Michelle still had fun sliding and swinging. She is my sunshine even on a cold, grey, cloudy day. I wish I had half of her energy, optimism, joy for life. Even as a child I don't know that I was ever that carefree. Then again I never felt completely safe or unconditionally loved. That's why I work so hard to give that to Michelle. When you know you are safe and loved it gives you a firm foundation. Then you feel strong enough to face anything life throws at you.<br />
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Sometimes it's hard to keep believing. That's why faith is so important. Believing in something with no evidence, even when all hope seems lost, is really tricky.<br />
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I had an orchid plant that I got a year ago. I ADORE orchids. They are so beautiful. It had several blooms when I got it and they lasted a long time but finally one by one they wilted until it was just a bare stick. I kept it, even without flowers because the leaves still looked healthy and I thought maybe it could bloom again. I continued to water it. It was a bit of an eyesore, my bare green stick but I pruned it and eventually a whole new branch grew with several little buds. And finally, miraculously a glorious mauve and fuchsia flower opened. Flowers are magical to me, otherworldly. They are so beautiful. Beauty makes me feel close to God and when the world has become so broken and so ugly, I need that more than ever.<br />
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One day Michelle wanted to blow bubbles outside but it started to rain. It rains a lot now. More than I ever remember it raining before. #ClimateChange at work. Disappointed, Michelle asked if she could blow bubbles inside and I said no I didn't want the floor and furniture ruined. I finally relented and said she could blow bubbles in the basement where she couldn't do too much harm. My basement is unfinished cement floors with just some foam mats in the play area. It is cluttered, filled with toys, a catch all for toys, storage, etc. One day I really should organize it and clear more things out but it will be a herculean task. For now I just mostly avoid going down there unless absolutely necessary (like when I have to clean out the litter box or change the furnace filter.) Michelle goes down there to play. The mess doesn't seem to bother her. For a kid I guess it's just a Wonderland of toys.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vary34a2UTw/XMQ_vQCsqEI/AAAAAAAAWDk/F3qM9fGWhzM_Qs5yvnJ_vJw3qDvVNUKAACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3891.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1578" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vary34a2UTw/XMQ_vQCsqEI/AAAAAAAAWDk/F3qM9fGWhzM_Qs5yvnJ_vJw3qDvVNUKAACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3891.JPG" width="315" /></a><br />
Michelle had fun blowing bubbles and chasing them. Sometimes life doesn't go according to plan and you have to improvise. On a rainy day you can still have fun inside. There were little soapy circles on the foam floor mats but I figured it wouldn't do much harm. As long as Michelle was happy.<br />
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I got a Princess Castle backdrop to hang in the basement to block out some of the unsightly clutter, the litter box, the furnace etc in the background. Michelle is my Princess. She might as well have a castle. She still has her pop up tent pink Princess castle from when she was little. She still goes into it sometimes even though she's getting too big for it. She even insists I join her in there sometimes even though I'm completely hunched over.<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mMrsyfX9yEs/XMRABWNt-CI/AAAAAAAAWD4/XxRIO_YEI8YO9FFlsIVWhLY3hi8ftA_gACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3896.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1321" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mMrsyfX9yEs/XMRABWNt-CI/AAAAAAAAWD4/XxRIO_YEI8YO9FFlsIVWhLY3hi8ftA_gACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3896.JPG" width="264" /></a>Yes I love unicorns but I was NOT about to get this HUGE one! It was bigger than Michelle. That's the last thing we need to have taking up more room in our already crowded house. Still it was fun for Michelle to visit the unicorn and ride around with him in the cart. I am glad that she's a girly girl and loves cute and pretty things like dolls and stuffies. It would be different to have a boy and have to pretend to be enthused about cars and dinosaurs and things. I've heard of parents trying to raise their kids with "gender neutral" toys and not trying to influence them to like "girl" toys or "boy" toys but to make their own choices. Michelle actually liked cars and dinosaurs too and she did have a few but dolls and cats and bears and unicorns won out. I'm glad that she wanted to take piano and ballet rather than to play sports. I would support Michelle in anything that she wanted to do but I am extremely relieved and grateful that she loves the same things I do! I hate sports and they're SO expensive!<br />
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Another rainy day project -- origami. Michelle discovered a couple of miscellaneous presents that I had hidden in the guest room. She wanted to try to create origami creatures. The instructions were a little confusing. We were both getting frustrated. We did however manage to make a dragonfly, ladybug and butterfly, however they did NOT look quite like the pictures. Does anything EVER? Life is an experiment and you try things but it seems they don't always (or ever!) turn out exactly the way that you hope. You just sort of go with it. Results may vary. Nothing is perfect. You don't have to put it on Pinterest. The experience is what matters. As long as you had fun who cares if it's not perfect, right? (The perfectionist in me still struggles with this but I'm TRYING to let go more!)<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ab4MbDCLXJk/XMRANI8PQQI/AAAAAAAAWD8/nQNt48sb8BUExBjXX3CFZdPJWYWBTi4rwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3899.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="982" data-original-width="1600" height="196" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ab4MbDCLXJk/XMRANI8PQQI/AAAAAAAAWD8/nQNt48sb8BUExBjXX3CFZdPJWYWBTi4rwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3899.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
Michelle also came across a puzzle that I was saving for when she got a little older. It was 300 pieces (to this point she's only ever done 50 piece puzzles and I think one 100 piece one.) Three hundred seemed like a lot. We worked on it together. I do the outside and she does the inside picture pieces. The hardest part was the foliage because so many of the green pieces SEEMED to fit together but not quite. It was a challenge to find the right pieces. This puzzle is a bucket list puzzle for me. Going to Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria is something I've already crossed off my bucket list (when I went to Europe in my 20s.) Riding in a hot air balloon is a bucket list item I have NOT done yet. Michelle said she would love to as well. Maybe one day. I have no idea how/where/how much it costs (probably A LOT!) but I will try to share that with Michelle.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QJM9u9cl3fY/XMRAXgxS2qI/AAAAAAAAWEE/0tfvK8C3yZQRxZeV4ALXxvNt2BJJO3iXACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3900.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1418" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QJM9u9cl3fY/XMRAXgxS2qI/AAAAAAAAWEE/0tfvK8C3yZQRxZeV4ALXxvNt2BJJO3iXACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3900.JPG" width="283" /></a>You could wait for the rainy days to end but they just wouldn't. Bad weather was the new normal. There was more rain and more wind every day than I ever remember there being before. Many places were being flooded. Climate change continues to wreak havoc. It had always been my dream to live by the water but now I'm relieved that I don't because people have lost cottages and homes to flooding. These are scary times. Whatever problems we may have we have to remember what's really important and know that it could always be worse.<br />
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Michelle keeps her sunny disposition even on cold, dark, grey, rainy days. On this particular day she had brought a bunny to school. (She often wanted to bring a stuffie to class. Her best friend did the same.) Michelle made sure her little stuffed bunny stayed warm and dry.<br />
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After taking a vow of frugality (a nod to Natalie McNeal of "The Frugalista Files") and controlling my shopaholic addiction, it seemed I was surrounded by temptation. Two people told me about a liquidation store I'd never been to, with rows and rows of brand name clothes that were a fraction of retail. Like Guess tops for $5. Curiosity finally got the better of me and I went to check it out. I was like a kid in a candy store. I didn't get TOO carried away. I got some amazing deals but I only bought half of what I tried on and every item had to meet my new more responsible shopping criteria:<br />
1. Is it a real BARGAIN? Too good to pass up.<br />
2. Do I LOVE it? Can't live without it!<br />
3. Do I NEED it? I don't have one like this and it will be put to good use.<br />
4. Will it ADD something to my life? (Or deplete/take up space and not be used/worn etc.)<br />
Shopping is my drug. It gives me a rush. So I haven't given it up entirely but I am much more responsible. I try to limit how often I go, how much I buy. For the most part now I just shop for necessities -- groceries etc. But I do allow myself a clothing shopping trip now and then. Even my therapist says I should treat myself once in a while.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-if8GMuZzCyA/XMRBC-zfU1I/AAAAAAAAWEs/Fj8vfYb412k2F5xUuGIfEGLrB4tjG3BbQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3906.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1183" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-if8GMuZzCyA/XMRBC-zfU1I/AAAAAAAAWEs/Fj8vfYb412k2F5xUuGIfEGLrB4tjG3BbQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3906.JPG" width="236" /></a>We went to see the movie "Penguins." It was adorable. It follows the life of a particular penguin, named "Steve." You see what he goes through to find a mate, create a family and protect them. There are some very tense moments but thankfully it has a happy ending.<br />
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The reality however may not be so happy for the penguins. Climate change is the most devastating to animals in the wild who depend on their environment for survival. A change in temperature changes everything. It upsets the balance of nature. Many species of animals have already become extinct and many more become endangered at an alarming rate. We have to do something to protect the planet. If we destroy the earth it is not only the animals and plants that will suffer. We are all interdependent. To upset the balance will threaten all of us. We need to do whatever we can to save the planet. Michelle is doing her part with her work for Earth Rangers. It is up to world leaders to do their part to protect the environment. Unfortunately imbeciles like Trump who deny climate change are part of the problem. #ImpeachTrump<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s0TsDXD-Sqk/XMRBDgVcMDI/AAAAAAAAWE0/oEg-xFYTjOAGVQUkRrIAcDR69yqIluEIwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1380" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s0TsDXD-Sqk/XMRBDgVcMDI/AAAAAAAAWE0/oEg-xFYTjOAGVQUkRrIAcDR69yqIluEIwCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_3910.JPG" width="171" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tAgccYIbt18/XMRHroTmPiI/AAAAAAAAWJw/B2vkv2LelcgUUXZcvC9vOlXG6PUHBG3UwCLcBGAs/s1600/Kurt%2BCobain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="1240" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tAgccYIbt18/XMRHroTmPiI/AAAAAAAAWJw/B2vkv2LelcgUUXZcvC9vOlXG6PUHBG3UwCLcBGAs/s320/Kurt%2BCobain.jpg" width="320" /></a>It was the anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. People were tweeting where they were when they found out 25 years ago. I remembered I was at a hotel with my boyfriend at the time. A big Nirvana fan, I was heartbroken by the news. It was frustrating to lose yet another brilliant, beautiful artist to suicide. It happens too often. It's always a shock when someone who seems to have it all -- a beloved celebrity with millions of fans -- will throw it all away. But it doesn't matter how rich or famous you are, mental illness -- depression can hit anyone. In a way it may be worse to seemingly "have it all" because if the world is your oyster and you STILL aren't happy then what hope is left? Many people are gripped by a painful emptiness, a darkness, a void that no amount of celebrity or money or addictions (to drugs, alcohol etc) can fill.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oVYwMCNp-ew/XN2Iw5AqNEI/AAAAAAAAWaE/mO6UMa_rYzE4F4yLkqSrn3vlwOtIJYo1ACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/God%2Bis%2Bdead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oVYwMCNp-ew/XN2Iw5AqNEI/AAAAAAAAWaE/mO6UMa_rYzE4F4yLkqSrn3vlwOtIJYo1ACK4BGAYYCw/s320/God%2Bis%2Bdead.jpg" width="320" /></a>"God is dead," Friedrich Nietzsche said. Of course He isn't but sometimes it seems like God's away on vacation at the very least. The world has gone to Hell in many ways. It can be hard to have faith. With all the scandals in the news surrounding the Catholic church (corruption, crimes and cover-ups, a history of sexual abuse and lies) my Mom said she was almost ashamed to wear her cross anymore. I told her that's ridiculous. It's not Jesus' fault. When we think of all the horrible acts committed throughout history in the name of religion, it would be easy to lose faith. God is love. It should be pretty easy to get. As Catholics, we used to go to church every single week but it often felt like a punishment. We were dragged there and as a child especially it was an unpleasant experience most of the time. I tried to tell my Mom I think it's more important to be a good person than to march off to church like a hypocrite.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pUE2R7o8I38/XN2JuS_wcFI/AAAAAAAAWaQ/VDLpAEoAnGY-UTPUy9dfolqKVvG27BniwCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/nature%2BGod.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pUE2R7o8I38/XN2JuS_wcFI/AAAAAAAAWaQ/VDLpAEoAnGY-UTPUy9dfolqKVvG27BniwCK4BGAYYCw/s320/nature%2BGod.jpg" width="320" /></a>As an adult I stopped going to church regularly. I still went from time to time. It wasn't just me that stopped going regularly. The few times I did go I couldn't help but notice that the overwhelming majority of people were elderly or very young. No one in between. My generation wasn't attending. Maybe because like me they'd just been bullied into going every Sunday and weren't feeling it. Now that they had a choice they chose to skip it. The reality is that the times I felt closest to God were never in a church (though admittedly I was awe-struck inside some of Europe's most beautiful cathedrals.) Watching the sun rise over Smoke Lake in Algonquin Park, walking in a cathedral of trees, looking into my child's eyes, hearing a transcendent piece of classical music, looking at a flower or a butterfly -- to me beauty is our glimpse of Heaven on Earth. That is when I feel close to God. But there is so much ugliness and pain and hatred that sometimes it feels like we're losing God. And it is pretty disillusioning when even those who are supposed to represent God (like priests) can be capable of unspeakable evil. I will always believe in God and love Jesus and feel a spiritual connection but going to church, with the exception of attending for special events etc, is not something I feel compelled to do.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s3GWr1xVqxw/XMRFgKNCvII/AAAAAAAAWIY/qJbJdDSDXmwXQxfjBhKTRDRbnIGxe-1AwCLcBGAs/s1600/Notre%2BDame%2Bfire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s3GWr1xVqxw/XMRFgKNCvII/AAAAAAAAWIY/qJbJdDSDXmwXQxfjBhKTRDRbnIGxe-1AwCLcBGAs/s320/Notre%2BDame%2Bfire.jpg" width="320" /></a>I try to avoid watching the news because it's just depressing but I usually hear about the latest tragedies from Mom. One day she asked me "When you were in Paris did you go to Notre Dame Cathedral?" "Of course...Why?" She told me that it was on fire. I went online to look for photos/videos and was horrified. Begun in 1160 it took 100 years to build and survived centuries of wars, revolutions, plagues. It had been damaged and restored time and again. Even when I was in Paris many years ago the front facade was under construction. Now apparently under reconstruction the roof had accidentally caught fire. The wooden spire, with 800 year old oak timbers, can't be replaced. Not with wood anyway. It will have to be re-imagined in another material -- glass or metal. Many have come forward offering donations to rebuild it. A building so rich with history has to be preserved.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5WCUn5jQfPg/XMRGLIWf2_I/AAAAAAAAWIk/O3hOEFbsTTMMb7DTiFOIR6oKeTNz7CZ4gCLcBGAs/s1600/F1000060.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1072" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5WCUn5jQfPg/XMRGLIWf2_I/AAAAAAAAWIk/O3hOEFbsTTMMb7DTiFOIR6oKeTNz7CZ4gCLcBGAs/s320/F1000060.JPG" width="214" /></a>I can't imagine how devastated Parisians must have been to see one of their beloved monuments in flames. My heart was broken and I only ever saw it once. Years ago my boyfriend at the time and me went backpacking across Europe -- England, France, Italy, Switzerland, Germany. In one month I tried to cross several landmarks off my bucket list. It was surreal to actually be standing there, to see in person all these architectural marvels I had studied in Art History class. It was beautiful, magical, the trip of a lifetime. I wanted to capture every moment of it. My boyfriend thought I took too many photos. I didn't feel like I took enough. He didn't want to take "touristy" souvenir shots in front of everything but I insisted. "We may never be here again!" I said. It's the reason I take photos, the reason I write, to say "I was here. This is my life. These are my memories." Here I am sitting in Place du Trocadero with the Eiffel Tower in the background. It was the trip of a lifetime and I am so grateful that I got to experience that. Photos are my way of holding on forever.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N8Y043TpQ0U/XMRGLGDsOsI/AAAAAAAAWIo/ILdsYLlyFswMgFyykRYPKl_Z1_ofBHiqQCLcBGAs/s1600/F1000058.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1072" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N8Y043TpQ0U/XMRGLGDsOsI/AAAAAAAAWIo/ILdsYLlyFswMgFyykRYPKl_Z1_ofBHiqQCLcBGAs/s200/F1000058.JPG" width="133" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9zGwJU5Groc/XMRGLxR75gI/AAAAAAAAWIw/v-uXx2xmStkib2xkGsPKR86vGXd4AQJKgCLcBGAs/s1600/F1000076.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1072" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9zGwJU5Groc/XMRGLxR75gI/AAAAAAAAWIw/v-uXx2xmStkib2xkGsPKR86vGXd4AQJKgCLcBGAs/s200/F1000076.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wignuO40Qsw/XMRGLrbdsEI/AAAAAAAAWIs/1E-OjZSTFqstibs_RLzlFtPK_S4LjY8qwCLcBGAs/s1600/F1000075.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1072" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wignuO40Qsw/XMRGLrbdsEI/AAAAAAAAWIs/1E-OjZSTFqstibs_RLzlFtPK_S4LjY8qwCLcBGAs/s200/F1000075.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KU3ea4BmMlM/XMRGMrSAUxI/AAAAAAAAWI4/rBeU95OQaFotHqfPj07nuok2Th5ACLGdwCLcBGAs/s1600/F1000080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1072" data-original-width="1600" height="214" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KU3ea4BmMlM/XMRGMrSAUxI/AAAAAAAAWI4/rBeU95OQaFotHqfPj07nuok2Th5ACLGdwCLcBGAs/s320/F1000080.JPG" width="320" /></a>My dream castle: Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria, Germany. "Mad King Ludwig's" castle. (He wasn't really mad just passionate and intense. OK maybe a bit eccentric.) It was the inspiration behind the Walt Disney castle. It is THE quintessential castle. And I was there. I climbed a mountain in a dress to see it. I walked inside of it. When we came back from Europe I kept seeing it on the covers of books, calendars (and 300 piece puzzles even today.) Just a glimpse and I was transported back to that magical castle on a mountaintop. Like a living dream. I couldn't believe I had actually been there.<br />
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We never went back to Europe but years later we (my boyfriend of 9 years off and on and me) wanted to travel again and went to NYC in March 2001. We stood at the top of the World Trade Center. We couldn't have imagined that months later tragedy would strike -- 9/11 -- and the iconic twin towers would be GONE. These monuments, landmarks stand as symbols of their cities and they seem so permanent, as though they'll always be there. But even they can fall and we are reminded how fragile we are, how fragile it all is.<br />
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The 20th anniversary of the Columbine High School Massacre was approaching and a disturbed 18 year old woman who was apparently "infatuated" with the attack was threatening the school. She flew from Miami to Denver and purchased a shotgun in Littleton (because even after all of the shootings America STILL does not have proper #GunControl and a maniac can still walk in off the street and buy a gun to go shoot innocent people.) Thankfully police caught up with the suspect and the only life she took was her own. It is hard to imagine how anyone could conceive of taking innocent lives but it continues to happen.<br />
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The world is so messed up. My Mom thinks that all of the signs -- the climate change and natural disasters, the increasing violence and pain and misery -- point to the end of the world. She thinks the Apocalypse is coming within our lifetime and that the devil is busy trying to claim as many souls as he can before the end of time. The news does seem Apocalyptic much of the time. It seems half the world is on fire and the other half is flooded. I try not to watch or listen to it because it is too awful and it makes me feel helpless. I try to focus on the things that I can control. But how can we bury our heads in the sand and pretend everything is OK? Everything is NOT OK.<br />
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In the world and in my own life it just seemed like things were falling apart. I was worried about my sister who was going through some health issues, worried about my Mom who always has issues, about myself and dealing with my own issues, about the world in general, which was mostly a friggin mess. I tried to hold things in around Michelle but when she was asleep or at school I would just cry. "I wish I was more resilient," I said through tears at my therapy session. I felt so weak, falling apart. I tried to hold it together but everything was getting to me. "You ARE resilient," she told me. "You CARE. That doesn't make you weak." She explained that bottling up your feelings, keeping a stiff upper lip is NOT strength. And wearing your heart on your sleeve, expressing emotions openly is NOT weakness. Most people go to great lengths to hide and numb and deny their feelings. Some people shut down and become apathetic, dehumanized. Nothing affects them anymore. I never got to that point. My job toughened me up somewhat (apparently not enough!) but I never stopped caring about people. For 17 years I struggled as a square peg in a round hole, wearing my heart on my sleeve in a career that requires you to be bulletproof. I never stopped caring or sympathizing for the people I helped but it broke my heart and it finally broke me mentally.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LpGwOQHb9I8/XMRAnm7DLpI/AAAAAAAAWEQ/mgxpyhe_wQsipwxaxw-AZC8wNx9TfdpTACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3903.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1549" data-original-width="1600" height="309" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LpGwOQHb9I8/XMRAnm7DLpI/AAAAAAAAWEQ/mgxpyhe_wQsipwxaxw-AZC8wNx9TfdpTACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3903.JPG" width="320" /></a>Most of the world prefers not to show emotion. You wear a mask, you hide your true feelings (if they are so-called "negative" emotions like sadness, fear and anger.) You are supposed to act as though everything is OK even when it's not. But I want to be real. I want to feel. It takes enormous courage to show your humanity and express a full range of emotions. Yes I feel deeply. Yes it's hard. But I still show up. I still keep going. I'm raising my daughter on my own. I can cry and still get everything done that needs to be done. I still keep going. I still survive and thrive no matter what. Being a Single Mom, taking care of Michelle alone, taking care of the house, even fixing things myself, going through therapy, working through my issues. "You show up. Even through tears. You get the job done, whatever it is, no matter what. THAT is resilience."<br />
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My little unicorn! Michelle's joy, energy and enthusiasm is infectious. Sometimes she does manage to pull me out of my dark cloud. She is my light, my ball of hope and no matter how dark things seem, I keep going because she is there. The world is better because she is in it. And she talks about saving the world someday. Saving the planet. Saving the animals. She is so full of love. She is always kissing and hugging me and telling me she loves me. I have never felt so loved before by anyone. And I love her more than I thought it was even possible to love another human being. I love her unconditionally. There is literally nothing she could do that could make me stop loving her.<br />
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When it comes to everyone else however, I do have conditions. If someone hurts me I find it very hard to forgive them. If someone hurts someone that I love I find it impossible to forgive. Especially if they're not even sorry.<br />
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Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice. Even as people were crucifying he forgave them and asked God to "Forgive them, they know not what they do." I am a Christian but I have always had a hard time with the forgiveness and turning the other cheek aspect of the faith. I could never be deliberately cruel to an innocent person but I can be vengeful against a guilty one.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/8BCwZCeopM0/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8BCwZCeopM0?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>I wrote this song, "Sacrifice" years ago as a tribute to Jesus and the sacrifice he made to save us from sin. Every Good Friday I make a small sacrifice by fasting for the day -- Nothing but water to drink all day and nothing to eat for breakfast or lunch until I have fish for dinner. It is a challenge but I figure it's the least I can do as far as a sacrifice to show my love and appreciation for Jesus. It was very hard when I had to work on Good Friday and was surrounded by people eating in front of me. Sometimes it felt like they were deliberately torturing me! One year someone even had a burger in front of me and she was someone that normally didn't have fast food. The smell almost made me swoon I was so starving. I got fainting spells a number of times. It was a very long day (16 hours) to go without eating. It's something I've done for decades but some years it was harder than others. It is a LOT easier if I'm home and don't have to put up with people eating all around me and I can lie down when I feel weak/faint from not eating. This year I made meals for Michelle through the day but without meat. "You don't have to do that," my Mom always told me. "The Catholic church doesn't say you have to fast anymore." I told her it's nothing to do with that. It's just something I do. A small gesture of sacrifice. I don't go to church regularly anymore but I still love Jesus and feel his presence in my life. He has always been there for me when I needed him, at some of the lowest points in my life -- like when I found myself alone and pregnant and didn't know how I'd get through it. This was the least I could do.<br />
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On Good Friday, aside from telling me that I should eat something my Mom called to say that she'd had an unexpected and decidedly unpleasant visit from my brother C and his "wife" X. They were supposedly there to "help" my Mom and Dad but inevitably wound up hurting them. I guess it was fitting that my brother come and betray my parents on Good Friday, like Judas, the ultimate frenemy. When someone pretends to love you, betrays you with a kiss just to sell you out for 30 pieces of silver, it's pretty disheartening. How could someone be so heartless and cruel? The bottom line is that an opportunist is incapable of love. He is ultimately self-serving. He has no loyalty. He will pretend to care about you to earn your trust but he will only use you however he can and dispose of you when you've outlived your usefulness. Your feelings don't matter. But I guess I should put this dark section in asterisks again so you can choose to bypass it if family drama and stories of betrayal aren't your bag... (Or I may edit it out later if I decide it is too dark or inappropriate to share.) This year the part of Judas was played by my brother.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sw5dRete0XY/XN2O38X_EaI/AAAAAAAAWac/a4LLAN_hw3ED_cMIURtyVH6mY-9xYXyYQCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/loot%2Band%2Bpillage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sw5dRete0XY/XN2O38X_EaI/AAAAAAAAWac/a4LLAN_hw3ED_cMIURtyVH6mY-9xYXyYQCK4BGAYYCw/s320/loot%2Band%2Bpillage.jpg" width="252" /></a>On Good Friday C and X randomly showed up uninvited at my Mom and Dad's house and declared that they were "cleaning out" my parents' garage (whether they liked it or not.) I guess C and X had nothing else to do that day and thought "Hey, why not break your mother's heart before Easter? We already ruined Mother's Day and Christmas last year!" "Great idea! Let's go!"<br />
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C and X, in their infinite benevolence, under the guise of "helping" my parents, stormed in like a couple of Nazis and raided their garage, forced them out and proceeded to loot and pillage everything without their permission. My Mom was able to stop them from taking things like a new bike she had purchased (why were they taking brand new things? Possibly to sell them?) The only things she asked them to take -- the rusted up old bike in the backyard and the huge wooden eye-sore of a structure my brother had built years ago for instance-- they left behind.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOV66n3iv5Y/XN2Qc3DML_I/AAAAAAAAWao/5B81pgmNf5geyIGxiFtyOrLXVydxwSQ3QCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/loot%2Band%2Bpillage%2Bebay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOV66n3iv5Y/XN2Qc3DML_I/AAAAAAAAWao/5B81pgmNf5geyIGxiFtyOrLXVydxwSQ3QCK4BGAYYCw/s320/loot%2Band%2Bpillage%2Bebay.jpg" width="286" /></a>It was kind of the opposite of help. They were supposed to be helping my Dad by giving him more room in the garage but even my Dad was upset and was apparently running around like a scared little boy hiding from a tyrannical father (in a bizarre role reversal with his cruel son) sneaking some of his belongings out to hide in the bushes so C wouldn't take them. My Mom wanted to see what all they were taking but they wouldn't let her in and just kept shoving everything into huge contractor garbage bags in secret. My Mom was worried she had things in there that were brand new and that she needed. As the owner she should have had a say in what happened to her belongings -- what to keep, toss or sell/donate. But C and X took it upon themselves to decide. They would sell what they liked and take the rest to the dump. It wasn't even their stuff!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-waF-T7BwROo/XN_dMvzx91I/AAAAAAAAWbU/7ecFRnt4T-oGq2zbrgFMyfVVxyfaS3ZxACLcBGAs/s1600/ulterior%2Bmotives.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="314" data-original-width="487" height="206" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-waF-T7BwROo/XN_dMvzx91I/AAAAAAAAWbU/7ecFRnt4T-oGq2zbrgFMyfVVxyfaS3ZxACLcBGAs/s320/ulterior%2Bmotives.jpg" width="320" /></a>So my parents' garage went from full to empty after several hours and C and X were painting themselves as heroes. They even sent Before and After pictures to my brother to say "Look at all the work we did in your parents' garage!" My baby brother later got the real story from my Mom who said how they upset her, bullied her and trashed her stuff without asking.<br />
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C and X are phonies. They like to "seem" to be generous when they are merely self-serving. Their reason for clearing out the garage was to help themselves, not my parents.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ajOOWi2NzFE/XN_dRiQI2dI/AAAAAAAAWbY/cBAVFVpnBYUncTtRHCv69ytK8zOEqaCLACLcBGAs/s1600/transparent.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="381" data-original-width="494" height="246" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ajOOWi2NzFE/XN_dRiQI2dI/AAAAAAAAWbY/cBAVFVpnBYUncTtRHCv69ytK8zOEqaCLACLcBGAs/s320/transparent.jpg" width="320" /></a>Because they live in a condo, they don't have a garage so they need my parents' as storage space. X stores her jeep roof in the garage during the nice weather. My brother C uses the garage as a workshop and a place to store his tools. All of his tools are still there. C and X said it cost them $100 to drop junk off at the dump but my Mom said that all of the heavy items were C's own garbage -- construction materials he'd dumped in Mom's garage after jobs he did. He still has a stacking washer and dryer stuck in the corner of her garage. He still has all his tools there. He seems to think he owns the place. He used to call it "Pincey's garage" when he lived at home because he and his dirt bag friends would hang out in there smoking, drinking and God knows what.<br />
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My Mom said that I had some of Michelle's baby stuff in the garage that I'd almost forgotten about -- her stroller, water table etc. They left it there for me to see. They knew I was coming the next day to pick my Mom up and go to May's. X specifically told my Mom "We're leaving this for Ann Marie to look at. This is her stuff to decide what she wants to do with it."<br />
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So on Saturday, the day after Good Friday and the big "Garage looting debacle," I showed up to look at my stuff. Michelle was still playing with the water table in the Summer even though she was getting big for it, the stroller I thought maybe I could sell. When I opened the garage, it was empty. All of my stuff was gone. Weird. Why would X tell my Mom they were leaving it and then take it all?<br />
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I was extremely annoyed but I thought, OK. Whatever. It's Easter. I'll let it go. I fired off a somewhat sarcastic text to my brother about letting me know in the future before trashing my stuff. It wasn't as hostile as it could have been. I still ended it with Happy Easter xoxo. But then when I went into the house I heard my Mom on the phone with C. Apparently C and X were TRYING TO SELL MY STUFF AT ONCE UPON A CHILD?! Oh HELL NO! ARE YOU FUCKING <b>KIDDING </b>ME?!?!<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2N3HZjrn9_s/XL1V_P1dNkI/AAAAAAAAWDM/hnqaL6nH234PeD3L7Rw1zYU9wbtxyIr2QCLcBGAs/s1600/don%2527t%2Bpoke%2Bthe%2Bbear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="487" data-original-width="696" height="223" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2N3HZjrn9_s/XL1V_P1dNkI/AAAAAAAAWDM/hnqaL6nH234PeD3L7Rw1zYU9wbtxyIr2QCLcBGAs/s320/don%2527t%2Bpoke%2Bthe%2Bbear.jpg" width="320" /></a>Wait, WHAT?! Let me get this straight, a <b><span style="font-size: large;">CHILDLESS COUPLE</span></b> who brags about how well off they are (because they're not stupid enough to waste money on something as expensive as having children. Not to mention the sacrifices, weight gain etc that it entails -- "Why would I DO that to myself?!" in X's words) has the nerve to STEAL BABY STUFF from his SISTER who is a <b>STRUGGLING SINGLE MOM</b> and try to SELL IT?! Where do they get off?! On what planet would that be OK?! Who WOULDN'T be angry in my situation?!?! I had every right to be pissed. I literally can't even. I was LIVID! I don't like confrontation if I can avoid it. I will be peaceful and passive (for months, years even) when I can but if you DELIBERATELY PROVOKE ME then watch out. If you poke the bear, you can't really fault the bear for attacking.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bdVZyI4euJA/XMRZNHeLKgI/AAAAAAAAWOw/wI_E5HB4LwkBSzG6UU9CvfU1XQv2SJorwCLcBGAs/s1600/Grumpy%2Bcat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bdVZyI4euJA/XMRZNHeLKgI/AAAAAAAAWOw/wI_E5HB4LwkBSzG6UU9CvfU1XQv2SJorwCLcBGAs/s320/Grumpy%2Bcat.jpg" width="320" /></a>I fired off another text to my brother and this time there were definitely no kisses and hugs. I told him he had absolutely NO RIGHT to steal my things and try to sell them. What the HELL was wrong with him?! Why on EARTH would X tell my Mom they were leaving my stuff to look at and then show up THE DAY THAT I'M COMING TO SEE IT and take it all right before I get there?! It was a deliberate slap in the face but they're so incredibly selfish and thoughtless that that's how they operate. C texted back "Settle down ya grump! I was just trying to help Mom and Dad!" No you were HELPING YOURSELF to our stuff! I replied that I'd rather be a GRUMP than a THIEF! What kind of a low-life steals from his sister?! (Though he'd already tried extorting money from his other sister/brother in law and that's the sister that he<br />
LIKES!)<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vXIfCMYXo4U/XMRDVSzFSbI/AAAAAAAAWFY/9Lr5vjErJ9MkmK-ftOGRZBiveMUZd9gpgCLcBGAs/s1600/don%2527t%2Bprovoke%2Bme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="589" data-original-width="745" height="252" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vXIfCMYXo4U/XMRDVSzFSbI/AAAAAAAAWFY/9Lr5vjErJ9MkmK-ftOGRZBiveMUZd9gpgCLcBGAs/s320/don%2527t%2Bprovoke%2Bme.jpg" width="320" /></a>I had been holding so much in for months now with C and X. There were so many times I wanted to ask "WTF?!" but I kept quiet because my Mom told me not to "start anything." But I could not keep quiet anymore. They had crossed the line. They had NO RIGHT storming into my parents' garage and taking their stuff and absolutely NO RIGHT to take my things and try to sell them. C and I proceeded to have a fight via text messages. It's hard to scream via text but I tried. I was seething. That angry sparring back and forth was the most communication/interaction that my brother and me had ever had. I didn't want to be doing this. I had been looking forward to a nice day with Mom and May until this crap. It didn't make any sense at all.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6rZaiBv6698/XL1W-ZzU5OI/AAAAAAAAWDU/40YYDoh4sRQltiFuz1x7dSY-pZxY96_ngCLcBGAs/s1600/squirrel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="209" data-original-width="260" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6rZaiBv6698/XL1W-ZzU5OI/AAAAAAAAWDU/40YYDoh4sRQltiFuz1x7dSY-pZxY96_ngCLcBGAs/s1600/squirrel.jpg" /></a>Then my brother, instead of owning up to how WRONG he was took the opportunity to insult me. He inexplicably texted "You're the DIRT POOR DIRT SQUIRREL that needs to sell stuff to make money!" The what now? I didn't even know that "dirt squirrel" was a thing! Was it like "dirt bag?" Curious, I Googled it to see if it was actually an expression or my brother had just made it up. So apparently the definition of "dirt squirrel" is an urban slang derogatory term for a woman who either:<br />
1) is promiscuous (Now, considering I've been celibate for almost a decade now and have only ever been intimate within the confines of loving relationships and have only slept with a handful of men -- even though I had offers/indecent proposals in the triple digits back in my day! When I used to go clubbing I got hit on ALL THE TIME! I could have gotten into a LOT of trouble! I even had an offer of a menage a trois with two cute guys at one point but I politely declined because like Seinfeld "I am not an orgy guy!" or girl... As tempted as I may have been I am a hopeless romantic at heart and very old-fashioned. I could never sleep with someone unless I cared deeply for them and they for me. I don't believe in casual sex. To me there's nothing casual about it. So no one night stands for this girl. Quite the opposite. Many called me a tease/prude! I was always very good at saying NO!)<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bEFs9FSNgGE/XOA_CAnDhTI/AAAAAAAAWco/2I4wzZ6coI0pyTuKk45TBLUiZrl7x9l5QCLcBGAs/s1600/germaphobe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bEFs9FSNgGE/XOA_CAnDhTI/AAAAAAAAWco/2I4wzZ6coI0pyTuKk45TBLUiZrl7x9l5QCLcBGAs/s320/germaphobe.jpg" width="320" /></a>So yeah that one really doesn't fit. AT ALL!<br />
2) is unhygienic, dirty, literally. (Umm in light of the fact that I'm a germaphobe, OCD and wash my hands about 80 times a day that's not really appropriate either is it? And actually, brother, you're the one who is filthy almost every time I see you. You show up at Mom's after a construction/carpentry job and you are a dirt bag literally, covered in dirt, dust, paint etc. You're the dirty one! And a dirty rotten scoundrel to boot!) So no, I'm not dirty in any sense of the word. If cleanliness is next to godliness I'm going straight to Heaven. Unfortunately my knuckles are cracked and bleeding from over-washing my hands! You can call me a lot of things but unclean? NOPE.<br />
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3) is trailer trash/People of Walmart. (OK I don't live in a trailer. I live in a detached house which I purchased myself -- unlike C who is a leech, has NEVER purchased ANYTHING and has only ever lived off of people -- my parents, a girlfriend and then another girlfriend now turned fake wife!) Now mind you I DO love Walmart, I'll give you that but I'd like to think I am somewhat more fashionable than the "People of Walmart." (If you've never checked it out, have a go... <a href="http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/">http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/</a>) Personally I have never gone shopping wearing a 3 foot mohawk, a dinosaur's tail, fishnet stockings and a feather boa or short shorts with a colostomy bag and I never wear t-shirts with obscene sayings on them. (Though at this point I may start! Like maybe "My brother is an f-ing a-hole!") Anyway squirrels are cute and I guess there are worse things I could be called. You can call me a squirrel or call me nuts but at the end of the day I'm not the low-life scumbag trying to steal my family's stuff and sell it! The hilarious part is that C is so obtuse he doesn't even see the irony in STEALING FROM ME AND TRYING TO SELL MY STUFF but calling ME a dirt poor dirt squirrel! Clueless. My therapist said it's because C is "deflecting" -- he is too proud to admit his weaknesses so he accuses others of them. He can't own up to ANYTHING he does. He has to put it off on others. He can never accept guilt or blame but will instead make YOU wrong for your reaction to the terrible things he does. ZERO SELF-AWARENESS. In fairness, he's not in therapy. Though he probably SHOULD be! Not to mention his worse half. Some REAL psychological issues THERE! At least I OWN my issues and am in therapy. You a-holes don't even own your shit. Constantly pretending to be something you're not. As if the rest of us (or at least me) can't see exactly what you are.<br />
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"How did we get here on a dime?" C asked me at one point, mid-argument. As though I was making too much about it. I should have said it's more than a dime a-hole. More like $400! C didn't fully understand that the garage incident was just the tip of the iceberg. He probably doesn't realize that Mom calls me EVERY SINGLE DAY and tells me EVERYTHING that he and X have said/done for months now. He didn't realize that I have seen a pattern/an agenda for some time now and that this was the LAST. FUCKING. STRAW!!!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5UG8sXitZLA/XMRXPMYZeVI/AAAAAAAAWOg/GFFkugbdUJoVAQ-5urnmUpb1FTYeQPaHwCLcBGAs/s1600/see%2Bthrough%2Bbs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="311" data-original-width="311" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5UG8sXitZLA/XMRXPMYZeVI/AAAAAAAAWOg/GFFkugbdUJoVAQ-5urnmUpb1FTYeQPaHwCLcBGAs/s1600/see%2Bthrough%2Bbs.jpg" /></a>I see through the BS. C and X were pretending that they were doing a good deed for my parents but they actually hurt my parents and me. Again you could wonder whether they were just completely clueless or deliberately cruel. It seemed cruel to me, like a slap in the face, yet again, like the non-wedding, the trip to Mexico when it was supposed to be Mom's year to have Christmas etc. C claimed to want to help my dad but my Dad was upset that they took things he needed, like the blade to his lawn mower etc. It wasn't up to them to decide what was junk and wasn't. It wasn't their stuff. My Mom has since found other things missing that she's afraid she may have put in the garage. C and X had no right to take things without asking, period.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9JehPj2XxeM/XMRZY1R00fI/AAAAAAAAWO0/FVqIGI0EZDIrgDvaRGwDSbSfB5kuvrcZQCLcBGAs/s1600/you%2Basked%2Bfor%2Bit.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="607" data-original-width="1024" height="189" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9JehPj2XxeM/XMRZY1R00fI/AAAAAAAAWO0/FVqIGI0EZDIrgDvaRGwDSbSfB5kuvrcZQCLcBGAs/s320/you%2Basked%2Bfor%2Bit.png" width="320" /></a>Someone like X is the LAST person to be doing a job like that because she's an extreme minimalist. She just thinks EVERYTHING is junk. The bottom line is that it was my parents' stuff and they had no right. My brother tried to be litigious and said that because I'd left stuff there for a year or more it was no longer mine, it belonged to my parents. But it still didn't belong to HIM! By his logic I should be able to go into the garage and steal his tools and sell them! But I won't because I'm not a low-life thief like he is. Poor or not I would NEVER stoop to stealing, especially from MY OWN FAMILY. He should be ashamed. But he has no shame or guilt because he has no conscience. C pushed me too far with this. That's why I have to let it out. My Mom warned C I was going to write about all this in my blog. He said he didn't care because he doesn't bother with the internet anyway. So he'll never read this. He can't read more than a couple of sentences anyway. He'd never be able to scroll this far down a page. And would X read it? She's probably too busy plotting her next scheme.<br />
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They had done enough damage as it was but C said that the garage was JUST THE BEGINNING. That they weren't done. They were planning to do a lot more, taking over the house, ransacking it room by room. They were going to clear things out, as X had suggested/threatened before. C was going to renovate the kitchen, like they had done the bathroom that they acted like they owned now. My Mom felt uneasy about it too. She asked me brother for years to help renovate her kitchen and he had no interest. Now that he seemed to want to do it she didn't trust his methods/motives. She put extra locks on the doors. She was afraid to go out in case they came in while she was gone. A mother shouldn't have to feel that way about her own son and daughter in law.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LBL77oKOfbo/XL1VJb0VI4I/AAAAAAAAWDE/oXT6uIizVSMwRJZZT6WhA4MRPMlL-ml1wCLcBGAs/s1600/Coraline%2Bother%2Bmother.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="770" data-original-width="623" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LBL77oKOfbo/XL1VJb0VI4I/AAAAAAAAWDE/oXT6uIizVSMwRJZZT6WhA4MRPMlL-ml1wCLcBGAs/s320/Coraline%2Bother%2Bmother.jpg" width="258" /></a>Ever since the fake wedding C and X had been more aggressive with my Mom -- telling her to make a will, talking about buying her house out from under her then fixing it up, clearing things out, trashing her stuff. They were after Mom's house it seemed. To steal it out from under her, fix it up and sell it. If she wouldn't make a will then they'd just steal it from her while she was alive. Maybe that's why X married C? Trying to get into my Mom's will and steal her ring/house out from under her? This is a picture of the monster "Beldam/the Other Mother" from the movie "Coraline." It reminds me of X. It's actually a perfect likeness of her! Spitting image! This is how I see her. This hideous menacing creature trying to get her bony hands on my Mom's house. Diabolical. I couldn't hide my animosity toward her. In one of my angry texts I referred to "X" as C's "anorexic almost wife." C asked why I had to bring her into it. I should have said because she's 100% in it! I feel like she's behind the whole scheme. Behind all the schemes. I don't trust her.<br />
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C and X both make me sick to my stomach. They make my skin crawl now. I can't stand them. I don't trust either of them. X is pure evil and she has my brother, who was half-evil and half-stupid, completely brainwashed. Could be the Stockholm Syndrome. (Is she holding you prisoner buddy? Blink twice for yes.) My Mom won't fully admit it but she doesn't trust them either. This is why she's been confiding in me all the disturbing details about them for months. Of course she still loves her son unconditionally even though he's a heartless creep. My love for him is a little more conditional and he's broken all the rules now.<br />
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6KcczmUXxls/XL1YkC2QcwI/AAAAAAAAWDc/cE1ffB9drQU-UgBKGb974YVnmaYZVi3TQCLcBGAs/s1600/vultures.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="579" height="226" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6KcczmUXxls/XL1YkC2QcwI/AAAAAAAAWDc/cE1ffB9drQU-UgBKGb974YVnmaYZVi3TQCLcBGAs/s320/vultures.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
To me, C and X are absolute VULTURES. There's no other way to see them. Horrible, ugly, self-serving VULTURES. Nature's best scavengers, I don't fault ACTUAL vultures. The poor birds can't help being ugly and they only act on instinct. What I detest are the human variety of vultures: The scheming, opportunistic kind. The slimy, selfish, morally bankrupt kind like the used car salesman who would swindle his own mother to make a buck. The ones who prey on the vulnerable. The ones who wait to swoop in and take whatever they can from whatever unsuspecting victim was fool enough to let them get close. The ones who seem to say "Hey if you die, I've got dibs on your stuff!" Even before you die there they are, circling, waiting. It's creepy AF.<br />
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Elder abuse happens all the time. Sometimes it's a stranger/supposed caregiver who takes advantage of the elderly. Sometimes it's the victim's OWN SON (and his vile bitch of a fake wife.)<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/3lNtjuiIj1I/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/3lNtjuiIj1I?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: right; float: right;" width="320"></iframe>I was so angry I couldn't get it out of my mind. For days. I didn't get any sleep that night or the next couple of nights. I was furious. I wanted to protect my parents. I didn't trust C and X. I could SEE what they were doing. They weren't even subtle about it! It was obvious and it's REPULSIVE. Of course it happens all the time. Vultures prey on the vulnerable, especially the elderly. When it's their own parents it's even more despicable. I finally wound up writing a song about them called "Vultures" and I felt a lot better just getting my feelings out. I finally got the first sleep I'd had in days. Here's the video from Youtube:<br />
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Here are the lyrics in case you can't make them out:<br />
"Vultures" original song by Ann Marie Pincivero Copyright April 2019<br />
<br />
<i>Chorus:</i><br />
The vultures are circling Mama, open your eyes, your eyes, your eyes<br />
The devil never stops working, feeding you lies and lies and lies<br />
The enemy hides in plain sight. I'm telling you this:<br />
A villain can smile to your face and betray you with a kiss.<br />
<br />
Murderous opportunists planning their attack.<br />
Sharpening their knives to stab you in the back.<br />
Be vigilant of con artists they'll take from you more and more<br />
Don't answer to the Wolf and the Grim Reaper at your door.<br />
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<i>Chorus</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
They think because you're half-blind Mama that you won't see<br />
My vision is sharp as a knife and they're not fooling me<br />
I just want to warn you of their malicious intents<br />
You can't ignore, you can't ignore the mounting evidence.<br />
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<i>Chorus</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
They say they're helping you but they're helping themselves<br />
They'll rob you blind, you will find they're emptying your shelves<br />
They have no conscience, they don't care and they don't feel<br />
Greedy, grasping, take-without-asking predators, scavengers seeing how much they can steal!<br />
<br />
<i>Bridge:</i><br />
If something seems a little bit off kilter<br />
It's cause they'll sell you for 30 pieces of silver<br />
I'm sorry Mama, don't want to hurt you or make you scared<br />
I just want you to be cautious and be prepared<br />
<br />
<i>Chorus</i><br />
The vultures are circling, Mama.<br />
<br />
When I brought it up at my next session my therapist told me I had every reason to be angry, that anyone in my position would be. They had "overstepped boundaries." Still my therapist felt that I needed to forgive, as in let this go, for my own sanity because holding on to anger hurts me. I had to find my peace again. "What if," my therapist asked, "C and X are just incredibly selfish people with no regard for how their actions affect others. And that's just who they are. So you don't expect any different from them. They consistently do things that are self-serving because it's who THEY are but you don't have to let it affect YOU. You can let them be who they are and you be who you are."<br />
"Pfft," I said, "yeah. At least they're consistently assholes. Everything they do is a slap in the face."<br />
"So you don't have to be disappointed. Because that's all you can ever expect from them."<br />
"I can't forgive someone who shows NO remorse. Who can't even admit they were wrong."<br />
"Forgiveness isn't for them," she said, "You never have to say 'I forgive you' or speak to them again. You just forgive them in your heart by letting go because you will not give them the power to upset you anymore."<br />
Yeah, I'd like to do that. I'm not quite there yet...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_Ne4G3uzWS4/XN_rr7gp3cI/AAAAAAAAWbw/r51lpnPNqmQBFZ6WdgMqXTi7BxRbg2WYwCLcBGAs/s1600/You%2527re%2Ban%2Basshole.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="202" data-original-width="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_Ne4G3uzWS4/XN_rr7gp3cI/AAAAAAAAWbw/r51lpnPNqmQBFZ6WdgMqXTi7BxRbg2WYwCLcBGAs/s1600/You%2527re%2Ban%2Basshole.png" /></a>So all in all, it started out as a horrible day on Bad Saturday (the day after Good Friday)! C and I continued to "hate text" back and forth to each other even as I sat at my sister's place. I wasn't texting while I was driving so I had a few to catch up on when I could look at my cell again. It was frustrating and futile. There was no getting through to him. At one point he had the nerve to say tell Michelle he loves her and misses her and I saw a way that I might actually get to him. I told him Michelle was sad that he trashed her water table (which she WAS.) Aha. That made him feel bad. He said he'd get her a new one. I said that's not the point. She was STILL PLAYING WITH THAT in the Summer. It was only in the garage for the Winter. If it was dirty it could have been cleaned out. It's a WATER TABLE after all. Complete a-hole. How could he not see that what he did was wrong? It's like X has him so brainwashed he just goes along with her schemes. X is in control. SHE definitely wears the pants in the family. Someone asked me at one point "Doesn't your brother have any balls?" "Not anymore." I said. She owns him and she controls his actions. Even to the point of making him turn against his family. The fact that X told my Mom they were leaving my stuff for me to look at and then they go and trash it the day that I get there PROVES she is just trying to break up the family. She knew that stealing the money from C ($200 of the $400 from Shane) would create a rift between C and Shane. Now she had created a war between C and me. So now C told my Mom he wasn't going to any more family events. X had gotten her way! She didn't want to come to our family gatherings and didn't like C to go anywhere without her so now she was keeping him from his family entirely. And C is so stunned/brainwashed/hypnotized that he doesn't even see what she's doing.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tlfLv7Qme5s/XN_rXHtQbmI/AAAAAAAAWbo/1rmrShFraNIA5UHbKTvokAFIpxkTo7ozwCLcBGAs/s1600/I%2527ve%2Bhad%2Benough.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="294" data-original-width="420" height="224" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tlfLv7Qme5s/XN_rXHtQbmI/AAAAAAAAWbo/1rmrShFraNIA5UHbKTvokAFIpxkTo7ozwCLcBGAs/s320/I%2527ve%2Bhad%2Benough.jpg" width="320" /></a>I need to have the last word so every time C sent another hateful text I had to have a retort. But I was getting sick of it. It was pointless. Back and forth, one text angrier and more hateful than the next. It wasn't accomplishing anything. So I finally said I wanted to focus on the beautiful people around me (my sister, Mom, niece etc) and not this ugliness. He called me the "c" word (yeah that's how crass he is. As crude as it gets. To his own sister. Disgusting!) and texted that he was blocking me from his phone and his life again. Again? Had he blocked me before? Hilarious! If he did I hadn't even noticed because we never call/text each other anyway. He has literally never been there for me. He didn't even come to visit me when I had Michelle. He didn't come to the hospital or to visit me when I was staying at my sister's. In fact he didn't congratulate or visit me AT ALL. I looked back at photos and saw that my baby brother came (even though it was a 2 hour drive for him) with his family to see Michelle and me when she was a newborn but C and X never did. The first time I saw C was months later for Mike's birthday. C never congratulated or supported me for anything I did. He didn't come to my CD release party either. When I sent out the invitations I said I will likely never get married or have a baby (I was half right!) so this CD WAS my baby and meant a lot to me. I hoped that people would come out to support me. Again my baby brother Mike made the 2 hour drive, after work to come out and support me. C couldn't be bothered. He never cared. He was never there to cheer me on during my successes or to comfort me during my sorrows. He just never gave a damn about me. So why should I care if he's not in my life? That would be preferable in fact. You can't communicate with him. The only thing he responds to is arguing and I'm not a fan of confrontation. If someone is going to deliberately antagonize me I would prefer if they would just leave me the Hell ALONE. Don't interfere with me/my daughter/my Mom/my sister. Because if you mess with any of us then I will have to say something. And I REALLY just want my peace. I want to be free of all this nonsense. Getting it out is my way of letting it go. After I finish this blog I am done with this mess and I want nothing to do with it ever again. OWN YOUR SHIT. I fully acknowledge that I have issues. At least I'm in therapy working on mine. People who can't even accept responsibility for what they're doing annoy me. People who will LIE, CHEAT, STEAL and PRETEND to be something they're not just so they can swindle everyone around them infuriate me. But you can't change them, fix them or even get them to admit what they're really about. So you just call them on it and let it go. They are not worth your time. Just lock your doors and don't let them in.</div>
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After C's parting text I need to have the last word so I texted him back but it bounced back, I thought because he'd blocked me (I wasn't sure what happens when you're blocked.) Apparently it was just a coincidence. I have a pay as you go plan so I'd actually just run out of minutes/texts with all those angry texts back and forth with C! What a waste! Used up all my time fighting with a useless asshole. So I blocked him and X from my phone just in case (though I'm sure they'd never be contacting me again.) And that was that. It's weird. Of course the anger wasn't just about some stuff in a garage. The feud/bad blood between C and me had been there for a long time. Latent. An unspoken resentment. A conflict that never really got resolved. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-K1Id-GDKycY/XN_vlOVjLxI/AAAAAAAAWb4/9_30ZwFv7nk5bdKpCTh9YwYVpMzAJKK2wCLcBGAs/s1600/brother%2Bis%2Ban%2Bidiot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="770" data-original-width="625" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-K1Id-GDKycY/XN_vlOVjLxI/AAAAAAAAWb4/9_30ZwFv7nk5bdKpCTh9YwYVpMzAJKK2wCLcBGAs/s320/brother%2Bis%2Ban%2Bidiot.jpg" width="259" /></a>There had been animosity between my brother C and me for years. I thought it was water under the bridge after I moved out and we weren't under the same roof like rats trapped in a cage but it seems that C always held things against me. He always talked as though May was the "nice" sister and I was a monster. It was much easier for May to be nice since she wasn't around. She was the first one to move out so she didn't have to see how annoying and obnoxious C was once he hit his teen years and beyond. Our baby brother moved out too so it was just C and I left. We spent the most time together so naturally we got on each other's last nerve. We fought as brothers and sisters do. C was the opposite of me in many ways -- an extrovert who was very social and always wanted to be surrounded by hundreds of friends. I was an introvert that mostly just wanted to be left alone. Needless to say this was a clash when C was filling the basement/backyard/garage with his loud, obnoxious drunken friends (though in fairness C was the loudest of them all!) when I wanted peace and quiet. Some nights I'd be ready for bed and going to watch a movie and a complete stranger would go walking through to use the washroom. No peace. No privacy. It was Hell on Earth. It was like living in a frat house 24-7. You'd think that would have been enough to push me out. Then thankfully, C finally left. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rupjRnm5p4Q/XOWRbx2pueI/AAAAAAAAWdk/rkdkvzUBf_MlRPhd_xSkQc-7XJeBuvG-ACLcBGAs/s1600/Father%2Bof%2Bthe%2BBride%2Bactress%2BKimberly%2BWilliams.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="214" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rupjRnm5p4Q/XOWRbx2pueI/AAAAAAAAWdk/rkdkvzUBf_MlRPhd_xSkQc-7XJeBuvG-ACLcBGAs/s1600/Father%2Bof%2Bthe%2BBride%2Bactress%2BKimberly%2BWilliams.jpg" /></a>C had a very sweet long-term girlfriend at one point and moved out to go live with her so that was a HUGE relief. I should have personally thanked her! She was too good for him really, a shy, quiet angel of a girl (the opposite of C) and completely adorable. Her face was like a greeting card. She looked almost exactly like the actress from Father of the Bride (Kimberly Williams) With him gone it was just Mom and Dad and me so it was pretty quiet at least. There was a point when I thought I'd never leave home. I always thought I'd move out when I got married but I was in an on again off again relationship for 9 years and never got married. My Mom didn't want me to leave. When Chris broke up with his sweetheart common law girlfriend unfortunately he moved BACK into my parents' house. It was like a horror movie. There was no longer a room for him. My Mom had converted his bedroom into storage. I was in the basement apartment. He had nowhere to go. So he just stuck his stuff in the other end of the basement, which wasn't even finished, wasn't even a proper room. Ugh. It was a fate worse than death to be sharing a bathroom with my brother again. As kids you may annoy each other. As teens it's worse, but to be ADULT SIBLINGS in the SAME HOUSE is like a LIVING NIGHTMARE! Especially when your sibling just happens to be an unbearably boorish, rude, thoughtless, loud, abrasive, inconsiderate, reckless, self-centred slob...I could go on but you get the idea. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZIefpEZozk0/XOWTOMbtlYI/AAAAAAAAWds/OPSkaeDlCisxOGiH0zzLeHJ-86TtE7AwgCLcBGAs/s1600/national%2Blampoons%2Bchristmas%2Bspeech.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZIefpEZozk0/XOWTOMbtlYI/AAAAAAAAWds/OPSkaeDlCisxOGiH0zzLeHJ-86TtE7AwgCLcBGAs/s320/national%2Blampoons%2Bchristmas%2Bspeech.jpg" width="320" /></a>Actually as insults go you really can't do better than Chevy Chase's in the movie "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." It's such a great moment because you see this poor guy, Clark Griswold, who loves his family so much and who just wanted the picture perfect Christmas. He tries so hard and everything goes wrong and then his heartless boss stiffs him out of the Christmas bonus money that he'd been counting on. No one WANTS to be angry (well some people do look like they enjoy fighting since they keep trying to start fights for no reason) Most of us just want to live our lives peacefully, happily, without incident but then some cruel, inconsiderate a-hole just ruins everything and it pushes you over the edge. I don't like to be annoyed. I try to avoid annoying people as much as I can. Unfortunately sometimes you have to LIVE WITH THEM.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VZ-iPAn5XKU/XOWdQU0DH5I/AAAAAAAAWeE/fgPk2dYsZGotdwFswZgXtpsDqn4T62y6QCLcBGAs/s1600/most%2Bannoying.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="188" data-original-width="268" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VZ-iPAn5XKU/XOWdQU0DH5I/AAAAAAAAWeE/fgPk2dYsZGotdwFswZgXtpsDqn4T62y6QCLcBGAs/s1600/most%2Bannoying.png" /></a>I wasn't the only one that found C incredibly annoying. He was having loud parties in the backyard (sometimes even hanging out in a TENT like a kid) until the wee hours of the morning. The poor man next door nearly had a heart attack over fighting with C and telling him to shut the F up. The distressed guy finally wound up moving out, selling the home he had loved for decades because he couldn't take living next to an a-hole like my bro any longer.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cxAEwg3LmmY/XOWUmkAQUcI/AAAAAAAAWd0/TwgnfxxzOvUtMFxzeCHkvDdnj74R9syLACLcBGAs/s1600/preaching%2Bto%2Bthe%2Bchoir.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="456" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cxAEwg3LmmY/XOWUmkAQUcI/AAAAAAAAWd0/TwgnfxxzOvUtMFxzeCHkvDdnj74R9syLACLcBGAs/s320/preaching%2Bto%2Bthe%2Bchoir.jpg" width="280" /></a>One day a neighbour came to the front door with a clipboard. She told me that all the neighbours in the area had signed a petition to throw C out of the house/neighbourhood! My face lit up. "OMG! WHERE DO I SIGN?!" I asked her. She seemed confused. She continued "I mean, he's not even a TEENAGER anymore. He's IN HIS 30s ACTING LIKE THIS?!" I chimed right in "I KNOW! Honey you're preaching to the choir! NO ONE wants him out of here more than ME! Imagine LIVING WITH HIM!" She still didn't seem to acknowledge/was in disbelief that I was on her side. I almost said "Amen Sister!" and gave her a high five. She just looked flustered and didn't know what to say or do. "Anyway, if he makes noise like that again until 3 am I am calling the POLICE!" "Please do!" I insisted and gave her the local police phone number to lodge a noise complaint. You know when they show the stereotypical neighbour from Hell in cartoons/shows and movies? Yeah, that was my brother. But he shouldn't even have been living there. Then again, neither should I. At least I was finally getting my act together and saving to buy a house. Someone at work had dared me to buy one and I went to the bank just as a lark to see if I'd qualify for a mortgage. I did and it was empowering. So I bought a house out of spite in a way. Well it was also because it became apparent that I was NEVER getting married and I figured I couldn't live with my parents the rest of my life. And C had made living at home that much more unbearable. In a way I have my brother to thank because if he hadn't been so incredibly annoying I wouldn't have been so motivated to strike out on my own.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V7CbFAULFDQ/XOBJAJIVy0I/AAAAAAAAWdA/nUGoC5AyzNMcv1_SrQTJRM4Rqv6pP12ugCLcBGAs/s1600/beautiful%2Bblonde.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="860" data-original-width="616" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V7CbFAULFDQ/XOBJAJIVy0I/AAAAAAAAWdA/nUGoC5AyzNMcv1_SrQTJRM4Rqv6pP12ugCLcBGAs/s320/beautiful%2Bblonde.jpg" width="229" /></a>Then something strange happened. Though we were still in the same house for the time being, my brother and I became friends in an odd way... He started dating a beautiful blonde. It was sort of a star-crossed lovers thing because they worked together and weren't "allowed" to date. C was the manager at a bar and, I'll call her "L," was a waitress. The owner strictly FORBADE them to date so they did anyway and eventually got fired over it. Who could blame them? There is nothing more attractive than the forbidden. Look at Romeo and Juliet! Family hatred wasn't going to stop them! (Of course they both wound up dead but anyway...) L seemed like a nice girl. I could certainly understand why C was drawn to her. She was lovely, smart, friendly. Strangely it seemed like she wanted to be friends with me. I wasn't used to my brothers' girlfriends even acknowledging me much less trying to befriend me. I found it odd but kind of nice. When she would come over to see C she would actually wind up hanging out with me. One time I was sitting with my Mom and my cousin on the back porch talking and L came up to sit with us for hours instead of hanging out with Chris. It was a little weird. Maybe she just wanted some girl time? (I don't think she had a sister?) Anyway, she seemed pretty cool. We had a lot of things in common. She even commented that we wore the same size clothing. "We're both a size 9!" Next thing I knew L and C were inviting me to go out places with them. It was different but in a good way. It was a bizarre love triangle of sorts with L in the middle as a peace keeper.</div>
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L was like this angel bringing my brother and me together. We went from being enemies to friends. I'd never hung out with my brother before. One night L and C took me with them to a party. It was kind of surreal. I was always a nerd/bookworm in school. I didn't go to many parties. (Just a few in university and I felt REALLY uncomfortable, like I didn't want to be there. AT ALL. Like get me the Hell out of here. Like Alessia Cara's song "Here" NAILS IT!) I'd especially never been to a party with C. Usually I was on the outside (like the neighbours) having to listen to his stupid late night parties. C was the "life of the party" type. He always had an active social life, a million friends. He was probably one of the popular or "cool" kids in school. I was the nerd in school. Then again the "cool" kids were smoking, drinking, doing drugs and God knows what and I wasn't interested in any of that. I'd rather be reading, writing poetry and getting an A average. It was strange but pretty neat to actually be hanging out with my brother at a party, after all these years. I would have felt like I didn't belong except that I was there with my brother and his girlfriend and it seemed like they were enjoying my company. I laughed so much. C was hilarious. That was one thing about C (when he wasn't annoying the HELL out of you) he could be very witty, very funny. And so animated, larger than life, like Jim Carrey almost.<br />
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I started to really like L. It felt like she was really a friend and even a fan. She knew that I was a songwriter. She showed an interest in my music, wanted to hear me sing and play guitar and then suggested going to a local bar that had an open mic/musicians' night where you could get together for a jam session. We wound up meeting an awesome guitarist who could play anything and EVERYTHING. All the songs we loved. It was great singing Tragically Hip, Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Pink Floyd songs with my brother. The guitarist was really cute too. He invited us back to his place after leaving the bar. It was like a double date, my brother and L, the guitar guy (I can't remember his name. He was tall and muscular and blond I think. I mostly just remember the guitar!) and me. It was awesome. SO MUCH FUN! It wound up being one of the BEST nights of my entire life. I will always be grateful to L for that.<br />
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We went to the park and sang and played guitar (and they drank and smoked) until the wee hours of the morning like we were hippies. Peace and love, man. Of course I was the only sober one but I was still feeling it. I loved it. At one point, so late that all sensible folk were in bed (and it was a weeknight) we were all walking down the middle of the street, in the rain while the guy played guitar and I sang at the top of my lungs. It was like a scene from a movie or a music video. Was this real life? I WAS SO HAPPY. It was beautiful. C and L and the guitar guy (I can't remember his name) and me. I was hoping maybe I'd see him again. I can't remember if I gave him my number or not. I thought maybe I'd see him at open mic night again but we never went back. Nothing would ever be like that again. That night would disappear like a dream. Reality was a cold, cruel slap in the face.<br />
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Was it all an illusion? All a sham? When something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Granted, being the self-deprecating/low self-esteem sort, I did find it a little strange that L seemed to want so badly to be my friend. (Because why would anyone want to be MY friend?) She said she didn't have female friends. I wanted to believe she was genuine but then things started to change. It seemed she had an agenda all along that she and C were just putting on an act, buttering me up, pretending to be my friends because they wanted something from me. Then L dropped the bomb (no it wasn't the L bomb!): they wanted me to buy them a house. Well, they knew I had saved to buy a house. They suggested that I let them move in with me. They would finish the basement and live there rent free. Wait, WHAT?! I can't remember my exact response but I would think it was something along the lines of "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!" I was FINALLY going to be moving out on my own as an adult and was looking forward to having peace and privacy so why THE HELL would I let my BROTHER and his girlfriend move in?!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fNUXb2ot8wk/XN_xx1-jAiI/AAAAAAAAWcQ/-DCh-PaG2AohdKZ0Vh_9ptn8ojHBGx4cwCLcBGAs/s1600/fake%2Bfriends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fNUXb2ot8wk/XN_xx1-jAiI/AAAAAAAAWcQ/-DCh-PaG2AohdKZ0Vh_9ptn8ojHBGx4cwCLcBGAs/s1600/fake%2Bfriends.jpg" /></a>Now I started to feel like she was just an opportunist. Just trying to steal my house out from under me. Had the whole thing been a con? They didn't want my friendship. They wanted my house. As soon as I vetoed the idea of buying them a house, C and X wanted nothing to do with me. Next time I suggested going to the open mic night they were busy. Now that they didn't get what they wanted they dropped me like a hot potato. They had no use for me anymore. Now they didn't invite me out with them. They just avoided me. It was clear as day. They had never been my friends at all. It had all been staged. Maybe they even knew that guitar guy. Maybe it was all part of "the plan." I hated them. I felt like a sucker for ever believing they cared about me at all.<br />
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Now it was just uncomfortable to have them in the house at all. To make matters worse then some of my clothes went missing: a few pairs of my fave capri pants. I remembered L commenting "We're BOTH size 9!" I wondered if she had taken some of my things when I wasn't home. I'm not sure if I actually accused her or just said something to my Mom or C but I guess it got back to her. Next thing I knew, C and L had broken up. I wound up finding the clothes after all. I'd put them away during the winter and forgot where I had stored them. It didn't make sense to me that that would end their relationship (unless she'd actually stolen them and the guilt was too much.) I couldn't fathom it. Of all the reasons I might break up with a boyfriend, his sister not liking me would NEVER be one of them (Of course my boyfriends' families always liked me as far as I know!)<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kLGmkDQMQt4/XOBUKXLap6I/AAAAAAAAWdQ/nWFmIpAjGd4euF0l4NzdrR_UeL99z0q4ACLcBGAs/s1600/bye%2Bfelicia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="888" height="179" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kLGmkDQMQt4/XOBUKXLap6I/AAAAAAAAWdQ/nWFmIpAjGd4euF0l4NzdrR_UeL99z0q4ACLcBGAs/s320/bye%2Bfelicia.jpg" width="320" /></a>I figured oh well. Good riddance, fake friend! Bye Felicia. I got over it. But C never did. My Mom thinks that L was the love of his life and he never got over her and he blamed ME for her leaving him. But that's so stupid! How is it my fault? Because I wouldn't buy them a house?! First of all it doesn't even make sense. If she didn't want him living in his MOTHER'S basement why would it be any better living in his SISTER'S?! And why would I move in with my brother when he was one of the main reasons I wanted to LEAVE in the first place! My Mom had another theory. Maybe I was the one that L really loved. It was me that she wanted to hang out with. It was me that she wanted to move in with. I don't buy that. I think the whole thing was an act. Whatever her reasons and motivations I guess I'll never know for sure. The villain never admits what he/she is up to.<br />
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I could have let bygones be bygones but C could not. He hated me. He blamed me for ending his relationship (while if he was honest about the situation he would have called BS and said OK she obviously didn't love me or she wouldn't leave me because of my sister but anyway.) He could be vicious and cruel. I mostly tried to avoid him because we couldn't have a conversation without conflict. He just wanted to insult and hurt me. Then I'd feel compelled to counter-attack. We had some TERRIBLE fights. At one point he literally wished me dead. He said that he wished I would commit suicide so he could dance on my grave. Yeah, a pretty cruel thing to say to an emotionally unstable sister. Thankfully even on my darkest day I never got to that point. I always believed that even my very flawed life was precious. And I believe it is wrong to take a life, even your own. These days suicide is definitely off the table because I could NEVER do that to Michelle. I'm all she's got so I have to stick around, even on my worst day. It is tragic when someone feels so desperate that the only way out seems to be to pull the plug. It's hard to understand when celebrities like Robin Williams, who seemed so happy and seemed to have it all resort to suicide. It's unfathomable. Depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter how beautiful or rich or talented or successful you are. In fact, in a strange way, depression can hit even harder when you "seem to have it all." Because if you have it all and you STILL aren't happy then what is there to hope for? If you're poor you can blame your misery on a lack of resources. But if the world is your oyster and you still feel empty inside? That's a whole other level of darkness. And some turn to alcohol and drugs. Which seem to be a cure but wind up being a disease in themselves. Life is hard. We all fight our own battles and no one truly knows what we're going through because no one else is inside our head and heart to see what we're grappling with.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/JClITKzjaQo/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/JClITKzjaQo?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>At one point after a vicious argument where C had tried to tear me down I wrote a very nasty letter (because I HAVE to have the last word and it's somehow easier for me to get my thoughts out in text rather than vocally.) He apparently saved that letter and showed his friends, using it as evidence of what a "monster" I am. I'm sure he conveniently left out the horrible things he had said to me which had instigated the whole thing. This is how C operates. He pokes at you until you finally lash out in frustration and then he cries victim like I'm the bad guy. "Don't poke the bear" as the saying goes and it bears repeating (see what I did there?!) If you are going to deliberately infuriate someone and push them over the edge then you should own that shit! You made it happen. You messed with them. If you'd left them well enough alone everything would have been fine. And what kind of sadistic a-hole deliberately aggravates someone who is already dealing with enough? Some people have no sympathy. My brother doesn't give a damn that I'm a struggling single Mom who had a breakdown and is in therapy. Zero empathy. Zero conscience. I wrote another cathartic angry song "Pushed me too far" and posted it on Youtube. Here are the lyrics:<br />
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"Pushed me too far" -- original song by Ann Marie Pincivero Copyright May 2019<br />
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It's eye for an eye brother, or can't you do the math?<br />
If you hijack my peace, you will incur my wrath<br />
Don't poke the bear unless you're looking for a fight<br />
And no one wins then. Two wrongs don't make a right<br />
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<i>Chorus:</i><br />
I don't want to be angry so why do you push me? Why do you push me?<br />
It's just how stupid you are!<br />
You couldn't just let me be, let me be free, no!<br />
You had to push me. Now you've pushed me too far.<br />
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There is no resolution. Agree to disagree.<br />
I need my "namaste" so stay away from me<br />
There is no solution, no cure for your ignorance<br />
We'll always be on opposite sides of a barbed wire fence.<br />
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<i>Chorus</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I was OK when you weren't here<br />
I kept my rage at bay, until you interfered<br />
I was silent but I can't hold back anymore<br />
The reckless attack you can't take back was a declaration of war!<br />
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<i>Bridge:</i><br />
You can deflect your guilt<br />
You never accept the blame<br />
You can lie & cheat & steal<br />
Go on and call me names<br />
You can be the villain<br />
And look out for number one<br />
But Karma will catch up to you<br />
Your time is gonna come<br />
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<i>Chorus</i><br />
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I can not even tell you how cathartic writing is in general and songwriting in particular. Just writing the words helps. Singing them feels even better and sharing your song with the world (even if it's just a couple of random strangers) is SUCH A RELIEF. No one really gets it but a songwriter. People should know though, you don't betray Taylor Swift if you don't want to be the subject of her next song. Don't wrong your sister if you don't want her to bring it up in her blog. Of course unlike Taylor my writing doesn't reach millions. I'm lucky if it reaches tens. It doesn't matter. If even ONE person hears/reads what I have to say, it is enough. As a writer you need to get that stuff out. I have been on stage in front of hundreds of strangers (performing at the River Run Centre etc) and sang the most personal stories of love and loss, anger and disillusionment. The things that most people hide and never admit, all those messy feelings and vulnerabilities, I wear them on my sleeve and sing them on stage and post them in my blog, because as a writer I HAVE TO. I need this. I will cry and scream and write it out, paint it out, because it HAS to come out. And anyone who would hold it against me isn't someone that I want anything to do with it. If you don't like my blog you don't have to read it. You don't have to listen to my songs. You don't have to have anything to do with me. Please. I write from my heart -- messy, open and honest. And it's definitely not for everyone. My wish/hope is that at least one person out there will understand and appreciate what I have to say. I write for that person.<br />
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When I found myself pregnant and abandoned this blog was one of the only things that kept me going. I was isolated, afraid, betrayed. Yes I talked to my Mom and sister on the phone but I couldn't call them in the middle of the night when I was tortured by insomnia. Writing is always there. The blank page listens without judging and lets you fill it. You can spill into it all of your anger and your tears. It is a relief and a release. Michelle kept me going of course. My love for her gave my life meaning. Words kept me going. Having an outlet to share my thoughts helped me to process what I was going through. When I would look back on my blog posts I saw that even the hardest times had beautiful moments and those were what I needed to focus on. When I shared my story and had people from around the world say "Thank you. I thought I was the only one who went through this!" It felt like a hug. I wasn't alone. Someone else had been through this. Someone else understood. Someone whom I had never met looked at their computer screen and felt a connection to another Single Mom. That is beautiful to me. I will never apologize for that or give that up. When I saw my stats and knew that people from the US to Australia were reading about my experiences, it made me realize that no matter where we are and how different our lives may be, we are all connected. We all strive to love and be loved and we all suffer the pain of loss. We all struggle to make our way through life, feeling scared and confused much of the time. My experience felt so solitary yet it was a human experience. Others have experienced loss, betrayal, fear, anger. My most popular posts are the early ones about pregnancy and raising a baby (especially potty training etc). I think my posts must come up if people Google certain subjects. My more recent posts only get a handful of views. I can't make people understand why I need to do this, just that I do. I have had a lot of people judge me and call me "crazy" (well I am in therapy!) for revealing so much personal information about my life. It's what a writer does. And if you don't like it, of course you don't have to read it. I can't imagine too many people would have the patience to read through all of this anyway.<br />
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My Mom begged me not to post this. It was along the same lines of "Don't SAY anything! Don't START anything!" The thing is, I've been holding this in for MONTHS (if not YEARS) now and the lion's share of the grudge that I hold against C and X came from my mother. She confides in me. She was my main source of intell. She said because she never had a sister and no longer has a mother, I have taken on that role for her. When she needs sympathy over someone doing her wrong, I am the one she turns to. She has to understand though that when she tells me about those who hurt her (namely C and X) then it turns me against THEM. I am not a detached/disinterested observer. My loyalty is to my Mom (who I talk to DAILY), much more so than my brother or his pseudo-wife (who I barely see or talk to.) It's my instinct to want to protect Mom, Michelle, my sister. I have always had a protective nature and it has been amplified by my becoming a Single Mom and having PTSD. If someone seems to be a threat to my Mom I am going to want to react. My sister compared it to a friendship she had with a woman we'll call G who was being verbally and physically abused by a hubby we'll call T. G would call her and tell her all the horrible things T had done. May is a very good listener so she was there for G, to comfort her and listen to her plight. G talked about leaving the a-hole, especially after he hit her, yet she kept staying with him. My sister is good at keeping the peace and saying nothing which is what she did, even sitting across the table from T acting like nothing was wrong when she hated him for the cruel, controlling, vile, vicious violent monster he was. See I would have had a really tough time with that one. I would have wanted to punch him in the face. I would have wanted to tell him off. I probably would have called the police to report domestic assault. But G still wouldn't leave him and it would only make things worse for her. Sometimes it seems like there's nothing you can do except to listen and sympathize. But how can you not hate someone who is hurting someone you love? How can you not say anything? Don't give me information if you don't want me to act on it.<br />
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For a while I thought that it was "wrong" to be angry. I saw anger as something to avoid or to cure. Nice people don't get angry right? Nice people are polite, calm, cool and collected, feeling zen, doing yoga and meditating (in fairness I was REALLY trying to do that!) But that's not realistic. Sometimes we get angry because we have every right to be angry. Stifling anger doesn't work. It eats away at you. My therapist said that anger serves a purpose -- it is a survival instinct -- It is the FIGHT in "fight or flight." Unlike fear, which paralyzes us, anger energizes us, motivates and mobilizes us to take action. Look at the Hulk, a superhero whose anger and adrenaline gives him superhuman strength. Anger is helpful if it gives you the power to make a difference, to stand up for what's right. But what if there is no action you can take? What do you do with all that angry energy? Exercise is a healthy release. Boxing would probably help. Many people get their aggression out through playing sports. It has to come out somehow. The expression "Never go to bed angry" is because you won't get any sleep! You can't just go to bed at night and let the thoughts fester. That's a one way ticket to insomnia! Trust me. The bottom line is that if you are angry about a situation that needs to change then you need to speak up. Even if you can't change anything, at the very least you can say what you feel. If something isn't right we can say "This is NOT OK!" In the Divided States of America these days there are two very outspoken camps, the Right and the Left. Each will argue ALL DAY LONG and they never resolve anything. Of course I side with the Left, the Resistance (as any decent human being would). I can't believe Trump hasn't been impeached yet. #ImpeachTrump Now Canada has its own a-hole for a premier #WTFord. But I don't want to spend the whole day arguing. I mostly try to avoid political discussions now because it's just an endless argument. Some people avoid ever discussing politics, climate change, anything real. It's all unicorns and rainbows. But is that really the answer? To just pretend it's not happening?<br />
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It is futile to argue. You can't cure ignorance. You will literally never get through to a Trump supporter. Don't even try. At some point you have to just agree to disagree. I do chime in occasionally to comment on whatever new idiotic thing Trump has said or done but for the most part I stay out of it. Unicorns and rainbows. Many years ago I accidentally got into an argument with a belligerent group of atheists. Intelligent Design vs Big Bang and evolution. Hours and days and endless tweets later and nothing was resolved. They just wanted to hurl insults. We would never see things the same way. There is no point arguing. You say your piece and be done with it. I don't want to argue. I don't want to be angry but if I see someone doing wrong and ESPECIALLY if they are hurting me or someone I love, I HAVE to say something.<br />
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The world is so messed up right now. I don't even watch the news but I hear about the latest tragedies from my Mom or on Twitter. When something horrible happens, it seems like you have to acknowledge it. How can there be a shooting without you mentioning #GunControl? How can there be one natural disaster after another without acknowledging #ClimateChange? It doesn't seem right to bury your head in the sand or pretend everything is OK like that dog meme sitting in flames. Everything is NOT FINE, damn it! But what can we do really? We can at least say something. Write folk songs, speak our minds on Twitter or our blog. IT IS NOT FINE. But I also don't want to be consumed with thoughts about Armageddon. That's part of what led to my breakdown at work. Yes the world is falling apart. No I can't fix it. I can acknowledge it and then go back to loving my little girl and trying to focus on what is still good and beautiful in the world.<br />
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Wow! I've gotten a little off track here! I was trying to explain the history/bad blood between my black sheep brother and me and went off on a tangent or two (or nine). It's a lot to get through. I love my family. Even my brother. Well he's not my favourite right now admittedly. I don't like him very much. I didn't always feel hateful toward my brother. I wanted to be civil. I figured when we no longer lived under the same roof we'd get along much better. Maybe we weren't as different as I thought. We actually did have things in common. We just dealt with our emotions in very different ways. Later when I was moving out and feeling much more charitable and compassionate toward my brother (I was probably just so happy to be moving away from him!) I wrote him a long and loving letter. It was twice as long as the angry letter and filled with compliments. I was hoping to inspire him to go after his dreams and live the life he was meant to live. He had so much potential. He had acting talent (he'd done a bit of acting in school), writing talent (he'd written essays and a song). He wanted to be a carpenter (hey it was good enough for Jesus!) He had so much energy. I don't know if he even READ that letter. He never mentioned it. I'm sure he never showed anyone. C doesn't respond if you say something kind or neutral. He only responds if it's negative so he can fight back. That's why our angry texts on "Bad Saturday" were so addictive. But it was futile. Hurling insults back and forth, accomplishing nothing except making each other angrier.<br />
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On Thanksgiving last year we were at my sister's place. Both sides of the family (Shane's family as well as ours, even some aunts, cousins etc) were there. I was sitting in the dining room. C was at the table in the kitchen with my Mom, Shane's aunt etc. (X did not attend because as she'd told my sister she wasn't going to any more family events. But then she showed up for the pre-Christmas celebration.) At one point I could hear C yelling my name. I couldn't hear what he was saying only that it was obviously unpleasant. Later I asked my Mom what he was on about. She said everyone was talking about fighting with their siblings and C mentioned how much we hated each other when we lived in the same house. Later I heard that C was also bad-mouthing my sister May in the garage where he was out smoking. It was strange and out of character for him to breathe a negative word about May. She was always the sister he liked (only because she didn't have to be around him very long and she is VERY good at keeping the peace and not saying when things bother her. A talent I am sorely lacking in.) It sort of surprised and bothered us but you can't really talk to C. Before you know it he's out the door anyway. Later I thought about it and wanted to ask him what was up. Was he resentful that May and me didn't go to the concert after his non-wedding? Was he holding a grudge somehow. One day when I was waiting for Michelle at ballet I texted him just for fun to see what he'd say. I kept it light and fairly neutral. I said that I'd overheard him talking smack about me but I knew it was just about us fighting and it was water under the bridge. I told him I hope he knows I've always loved him. Then I said how surprised I was to learn he was even saying awful things about May that weren't even true and I wondered what was up. I told him I'd see him at Mom's birthday celebration (which I always host at my place). I ended it with xo as I always do. HE NEVER REPLIED TO MY TEXT. I sent him a kind, inquisitive text and he had NOTHING TO SAY TO ME. My Mom asked him about it and he said it was too long so he didn't read it! OK... Then a month or so later he apparently FINALLY read my text but he STILL didn't reply to me whatsoever. All he did was call my SISTER to make amends and to explain that he'd just been repeating stupid gossip our idiot cousin had told him over a decade ago. And he didn't mean to hurt May. He ignored me entirely. I figured as long as he ignored me I could ignore him but there were SO MANY TIMES I wanted to confront him about things he had done or said to Mom. But you can't talk to C. So I just didn't. I held it all in. One shady thing after another, getting angrier and angrier until we finally had our big text battle.<br />
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It's tough because I really don't want to deal with this crap. I don't want to hold onto anger. I want to let it go. I know that it only hurts me. It's so frustrating because I didn't ASK for this. Before those knuckleheads started looting Mom's house, I was TRYING to let things go, to control what I can, to find my peace. I am trying to live in alignment with my values and I value peace and love, man. But sometimes there are conflicting values -- I value standing up for what's right and it eats away at me to have to hold things back. I'm not good at being insincere. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be authentic. And sometimes that means being messy and inappropriate. My therapist says it doesn't make me a bad person. I'm a passionate person. I FEEL DEEPLY. I CARE. Much of the world seems as if they don't care or feel anything. They will numb and anesthetize themselves with addictions (drugs, alcohol etc) rather than deal with their emotions. Many people have been so overstimulated in this messed up world that they're burned out, spent, they've seen it all and they just don't care. Nothing surprises or affects them anymore. They are desensitized. Like robots, zombies, ignoring the tragedy surrounding them. Even after 17 years in an unholy nightmare of a job I never lost my humanity. I never stopped caring. But it broke me. Therapy is supposed to help me to manage my emotions but that doesn't mean eliminating the negative ones. It doesn't mean that I stop feeling. It is a struggle and I've been trying very hard but I obviously have a long way to go. And conflict isn't my favourite.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OrIZ1hCjjzM/XOf5e1yqzSI/AAAAAAAAWgw/Y7VrTVVH6B0oyiCwHHqbnh4HAUdU-wGoQCLcBGAs/s1600/just%2Bthe%2Bfacts%2Bmaam.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="325" height="295" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OrIZ1hCjjzM/XOf5e1yqzSI/AAAAAAAAWgw/Y7VrTVVH6B0oyiCwHHqbnh4HAUdU-wGoQCLcBGAs/s320/just%2Bthe%2Bfacts%2Bmaam.jpg" width="320" /></a>Part of my therapy involves doing "Alternative Thought Records" -- a way to challenge unhelpful thought patterns. You consider other possibilities, look at things from new angles. There are basic FACTS and then there are your interpretations, the feelings and meanings you attach to them, the narrative you build around them and it all depends on your vision of the world/yourself etc. When you have a certain viewpoint, you look for evidence to support it. The thing is, if you LOOK for evidence you will ALWAYS find it. But you tend to mostly ignore evidence to the contrary. If they're being honest, everyone is "closed minded" to some degree. It's very hard to be open minded. You either believe the world is ROUND or you believe it is FLAT (I kid you not, there are actually "flat earthers" out there. It's a thing!) Some things you can't really sit on the fence about. It's one or the other. Now you may have feelings about certain things but as my therapist says "FEELINGS are not FACTS." So even though I FEEL in my gut that C & X are vultures, that's not really <i>evidence</i>. If I just look at the basic facts as a detached observer then yes:<br />
1. C & X rushed to get married and didn't invite us. C did not give X any rings. They announced it on Mother's Day.<br />
2. C & X went to Mexico for Christmas, though it was my Mom's year to have her whole family.<br />
3. X kept asking my Mom about her will and trying to make her get rid of stuff.<br />
4. X asked for my Mom's wedding ring. Mentioned she could will it to X.<br />
5. X has a history of giving inappropriate/strange gifts or making seemingly generous gestures and then complaining about it.<br />
6. C wanted to buy my Mom's house for half what it was worth and fix it up. Mom said no.<br />
7. C & X renovated my Mom's bathroom and then kept checking up on it.<br />
8. X kept showing up uninvited at Mom's, asking about her will and offering to clear the house out.<br />
9. C did a job for my sister and her hubby for $400 and said he only got $200.<br />
10. X offered to buy everyone lunch for C's birthday then left a message for my Mom that it was costing her $400.<br />
11. C & X showed up uninvited and cleared out my parents' garage, taking things without asking from my dad, Mom and me. They tried to sell some of my baby things without my consent. They planned to do more work in the house, getting rid of stuff and renovating.<br />
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My take on it of course, because I don't trust them, is that everything they do is shady/self-serving, hurtful and that they are scheming opportunistic vultures but what's an ALTERNATIVE perspective? What if I tried to see it from <i>their</i> point of view. How might they justify their actions? They could say that maybe they were just trying to be "practical" and "helpful" in their own misguided way and not realizing how callous they came across (namely to Mom and me, though my sister is too nice to say she found a lot of it fishy too!) Some of it could have been miscommunication/mistakes (like X telling my Mom they were leaving my stuff and then C taking it because he didn't know. C is very distracted and makes a lot of mistakes Maybe the left hand didn't know what the right was doing. He still could have apologized instead of antagonizing me but that's just his way. I don't think he has EVER said sorry to me once in his life. Maybe C lost the $200 rather than X stealing it. Maybe X didn't know it was rude to leave a message about how expensive the lunch was. Maybe they aren't bad people just really really stupid people. Anything is possible.) The road to Hell was paved with good intentions. Perhaps they weren't trying to hurt anyone and they really were, as my brother claimed, just "trying to do good" but it went horribly awry. Maybe C & X are struggling financially and too proud to say so? Maybe they don't even know why they do things. Maybe they aren't working and were bored and were looking for something to do.<br />
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The thing is, it's not as though they're going to blurt out a confession, even if their intentions were malicious. They will likely deny it until they're blue in the face. People will go to great lengths to hide their motivations, sometimes even from themselves. Sometimes people can't even explain why they do what they do because it's largely unconscious. People plunge ahead without considering how their actions will affect others. We are all guilty of it to some degree. We should at least try to "do no harm." If it's avoidable. As I've said before I would never intentionally hurt an <i>innocent </i>person but I have no qualms about taking a <i>guilty </i>one to task. I can be peaceful and namaste all day long until you interfere with me. Then we have a problem and if you push me far enough, I will explode. I'm still not a danger to myself or others. The worst I'll do is talk about you in my blog. Don't worry, I change the names to protect the guilty.<br />
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If C and X are guilty they'll be furious that I figured it out but they would never admit it. If they're innocent they'd still be pissed but if they have even a shred of human compassion they could consider how things looked from MY perspective and why. If nothing else they can dismiss it all as the insane ramblings of a mentally unstable sister who's been in therapy for more than a year. And maybe they'll back off and let me be as I would like to do for them. Let's just agree to stay out of each other's way. If they are not attacking I will not need to be so defensive. It's the Golden Rule. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. I'd like to be left alone, thank you. So leave me alone. That also means backing off from taking advantage of those I love. At least from the sounds of it, C and X are backing off. The mission to take over my Mom's house has been aborted.<br />
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OK, DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS! Breathe in cool calm through your nose, breathe out hot stress through your mouth. I'm tired of this shit. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to focus on this negative stuff. This is WAY longer than I intended this post to be but it's a big can of worms and you might as well let them all out and be done with it. Now that I have spilled my guts here I hope that I will feel more free of it. I am feeling a little more at peace just having gotten all this crap out! It's like I can finally BREATHE again. I feel like I've lost 10 lbs (no such luck though!) So let's get back to the rest of that Saturday, the rest of April, the happier part of Spring. As I said to C, "I want to focus on the beautiful people around me, not this ugliness." So here goes...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C5ocoMG442c/XMRD0VLjh0I/AAAAAAAAWFs/2-9ISYR6KjcjC_ux9efBPVl44p5lpI2BgCLcBGAs/s1600/Image-1%2B%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="980" data-original-width="639" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C5ocoMG442c/XMRD0VLjh0I/AAAAAAAAWFs/2-9ISYR6KjcjC_ux9efBPVl44p5lpI2BgCLcBGAs/s320/Image-1%2B%25283%2529.jpg" width="208" /></a>What started out as a very "Bad Saturday" (get it? Because it was after "Good Friday," which incidentally I've always thought was a strange name for the day when the nicest guy in the world was nailed to a cross and died. Calling the anniversary of Jesus' death by torture "Good" Friday seems a tad insensitive, no? I mean it wasn't really a "good" day for HIM. But I digress...) became a good one once I was done arguing with a fool and could just be in the moment with my real family. I may have lost a brother but I still had an awesome sister and I was happy to be spending the day at her place. Michelle had a ball playing with Reggie as usual. Michelle is my rainbow unicorn, literally! Here she is even dressed the part. Shannon took some cute photos for us with her Snapchat filter thing. There were some adorable (and horrifying! Like the egg head!) filters so he was fun playing with them. It was nice to talk and laugh with them. Admittedly I did spend some time venting about C and V because it was still fresh in my mind. C called May just to check in and make sure she wasn't "on my side" because I'd mentioned everyone thinking he was wrong (they did all agree he had no right to take my things without my permission and try to sell them.) He was concerned I guess that they also thought he had an "agenda" as I'd accused him. May is Switzerland, the peace-keeper so she assured him she was fine with him anyway. She said his voice was a little shaky. Maybe I had gotten to him after all.</div>
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May is so thoughtful she had a cute unicorn basket for Michelle filled with chocolate eggs. (Not that Michelle needed more chocolate, mind you! She would be getting spoiled with a lot the next day!)<br />
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Shane was cooking a delicious meal -- a brisket and was even making HOME MADE BREAD! He'd never tried it before but it was a very successful experiment. It was absolutely DELICIOUS! I could have eaten a whole loaf myself (actually I might have!) Michelle loved it too. Such a treat.<br />
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It was so nice to hang out at May's. My Mom, May, Michelle and Shannon are my heart. Not that I don't love the men in my family. It's just hard to talk to my Dad and I don't see Mike much. Dad wanted to stay home to watch sports. My Mom also wanted him to keep an eye on the house because she didn't trust my brother and C and thought they might show up and do something/take something from the house again. And my brother in law, well we don't always see eye to eye (he is a flat Earther who believes Climate Change is a hoax and Trump is a great guy just to give you an idea!) but as long as we don't talk politics he can be very funny, kind and generous. He is a great cook. It is always a treat to go there for dinner!<br />
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The group shot, albeit a smaller group. It wasn't even Easter technically and we don't usually get together for Easter. I insisted on a group photo anyway. Obviously this one didn't exactly go as planned. I told them the timer would take three shots. My Mom was looking at us. It's hard to make out what she has on her legs. They're like furry boot slippers or something? Michelle was making a crazy face and moving so she's a blur and I just look like an idiot. I wanted to have at least one where we were all looking and smiling nicely but this was not it.<br />
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Finally we're all looking and smiling together. Organized chaos. My sister deals with so much. She has had health issues and all sorts of stresses. She is always there for everyone else and usually not for herself (it's a Mom thing.) I worry about her. I love her so much. She is the best sister anyone could have and my best friend. She has always been there for me and I will always be there for her. I feel lucky to have her in my life. I know that not everyone gets along with their siblings. (Obviously I'm in a feud with one of mine as we speak.) After dinner we watched "Hop" together. On the way home and when I finally got to bed I couldn't stop thinking about the C and X drama. It ruined what would have been an otherwise lovely day. I was sorry it had to happen. I couldn't understand why they had to do that. They just never consider anyone else's feelings I guess.<br />
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And then it was EASTER! Easter Sunday we just stayed home, Michelle and me. I was feeling pretty rough after getting no sleep. The drama with C had taken a toll. I just couldn't get it out of my mind.<br />
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Michelle put on her bunny ears and went on her annual egg hunt. The Easter Bunny was good to her this year. She had a blast searching for and collecting all the beautiful eggs. She wanted to go downstairs in her pjs and look but I made her wait until we were both dressed and ready so that I could get photos.<br />
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It's all about the photos to me! Life is so fragile and goes so quickly. If you don't capture the moment then it's gone! I love my little pink bunny here in her ears and pastel rainbow dress and carrying her pink basket. I want to enjoy this time while she's young and still willing to wear bunny ears! I know that the day will come when she'll feel "too cool" to wear ears!<br />
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Michelle and me and Ali makes three! And we're all looking and smiling-ish. OK well Ali isn't smiling but she finally looked at the camera or at least in that general direction.<br />
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Thankfully I don't look nearly as rough as I was feeling after a night of tossing and turning consumed with anger at my brother. That's the funny thing about photos. You can smile and act like life is perfect even as you're falling apart. No one would know what you're thinking, all the messy thoughts and feelings you're hiding.<br />
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Michelle isn't hiding her impatience very well. She was anxious to get on with collecting the eggs. "Do we HAVE to do another photo Mama?!" "Baby, let me have this."<br />
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It was adorable. As a photoholic there is nothing that makes me happier than taking photos, especially taking photos of Michelle doing cute things. It's like I have my very own unicorn/happy bunny/angel of joy.<br />
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Michelle is my Happy Place. She is my Goodness and Light. She is the one pure, real, perfect, beautiful thing in this world that keeps me going no matter what else is going on around me. She is what keeps me going. She is my reason for living. I am so grateful for her. Even C had a moment of sentimentality about Michelle amidst all of his angry hateful texts to me: "enjoy that beautiful life of yours." And I do. This is what I want to focus on. And as long as no one interferes with us (or with my Mom) then I can just carry on enjoying my life and focusing on the beautiful things. I am not a fan of the darkness intruding into my life. If I had my way I would never have to hear about it again.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OA11Yy9S0zI/XMRE3Pzts9I/AAAAAAAAWHk/MQXtjaS_N-0GqgPh-Gjk4N2WrJ2TOKGjQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1371" data-original-width="1600" height="274" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OA11Yy9S0zI/XMRE3Pzts9I/AAAAAAAAWHk/MQXtjaS_N-0GqgPh-Gjk4N2WrJ2TOKGjQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4003.JPG" width="320" /></a>Found one! It was a cow egg. Or a dog or something? Because sure, why not! The Easter Bunny left Michelle a wide variety of cute, silly and beautiful eggs. There were pastel coloured ones, animal ones, sequined and glittery ones. Her basket was getting heavier and more full. I could suddenly understand the expression "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket!" because literally it would get too full and the handle would break and then they'd all smash and you'd be left with nothing. But how many baskets could you carry, realistically? Some of Michelle's old baskets had broken over the years from over-stuffing them.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eUm07iPAreM/XMRLL42ZDcI/AAAAAAAAWKY/iusAyLjSXY4PAwv5DEWKIpC_T2vULZsjACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1150" data-original-width="1600" height="230" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eUm07iPAreM/XMRLL42ZDcI/AAAAAAAAWKY/iusAyLjSXY4PAwv5DEWKIpC_T2vULZsjACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4022.JPG" width="320" /></a>My gifted girl! So she got a little spoiled by the Easter Bunny and Mama. It's OK. Really considering how much of a shopaholic I used to be I managed to restrain myself pretty well. I couldn't resist getting her some chocolate and stuffed bunnies (to add to her already bursting collection of bunnies who seem to multiply like, well like BUNNIES!) I have a weakness for cute and beautiful (cutiful?) things so if there's a multi-coloured pastel bunny or a bunnicorn (a bunny unicorn, yeah I didn't realize it was a thing either until I found one!) that she doesn't have, I'm for sure getting it.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BJ8QbiLZ1EQ/XMRMAbsRbCI/AAAAAAAAWLo/c0Weliqzqk0XQYxU7JBkH_rh5nx14jfJgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4103.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1117" data-original-width="1600" height="223" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BJ8QbiLZ1EQ/XMRMAbsRbCI/AAAAAAAAWLo/c0Weliqzqk0XQYxU7JBkH_rh5nx14jfJgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4103.JPG" width="320" /></a>On Easter Monday I told my Mom I'd take she and my Dad out to dinner. She wanted to go shopping in the day. We were hoping to get some last minute deals at Payless Shoes but it was already closed. Then to our shock and horror we found that one of our FAVE stores had closed: ARDENE! They weren't out of business entirely (thank God!) just at that location but we were heartbroken. We asked in another store and they said it just happened two weeks ago. A shock to everyone. Another victim of the Retail Apocalypse. Well, my Mom and me had done more than our share to help the economy. And we were both trying to cut down on our spending considerably. </div>
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My girl and me. It was a beautiful day. You had to be grateful for those because they didn't always happen. There were so many cold, grey rainy days. I managed to get a picture of Michelle and me in Grandma's backyard before we headed to the restaurant for dinner.<br />
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It had been a strange Easter to say the least. C and X had cast a very dark shadow over much of it but it still had its fun and beautiful moments. I wanted to take Mom and Dad out for Easter dinner. Nothing fancy but they really enjoyed it. Michelle loved it too.<br />
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Michelle and me have a special relationship with Grandma and Grandpa. When I was working full time I saw so much of them. They looked forward to being with Michelle. Now they don't see us as often but they still love their time with Michelle.<br />
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The selfies I attempted were all fails (as you can see! I couldn't fit us all in!) I finally asked the waiter if he could take our picture. He did a pretty good job. I am not sure why my dad always looks slightly bewildered when the camera clicks but you can't have everything. Michelle isn't exactly smiling either. At least my Mom and I are trying. I didn't realize until just now that my Mom, Dad and me are all dressed in blue. It was a Blue Monday of sorts but we made the best of it and I was happy we got to share that.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MxoKNr5gdiY/XMRMCt6JwYI/AAAAAAAAWL4/17nf9wyASRcckQoZzOt1IBKvQiPlKoZlQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4122.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1285" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MxoKNr5gdiY/XMRMCt6JwYI/AAAAAAAAWL4/17nf9wyASRcckQoZzOt1IBKvQiPlKoZlQCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_4122.JPG" width="160" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yA2_Y1GVeOk/XMRMOPD6zFI/AAAAAAAAWME/nHBgchNBoRUheTJsodh4vs5wjYJAY7XaACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4125.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1156" data-original-width="893" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yA2_Y1GVeOk/XMRMOPD6zFI/AAAAAAAAWME/nHBgchNBoRUheTJsodh4vs5wjYJAY7XaACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4125.JPG" width="247" /></a>Spring was in the air. Ish. Well you never knew from one day to the next whether the weather would call for a Winter coat and boots or capri pants and sandals. It was best to dress in layers. We went to the park after school to enjoy the sun while it lasted. Michelle had a Spring jacket on but insisted on taking it off. She never seems to get cold but then she's always running around. She loves playing at the park with her friends and I enjoyed talking with their Moms as well. I gave people the "Coles notes" versions of my family drama. They were sympathetic and understanding. There are often vultures in the family and it is upsetting. One Mom told me that the aggressive ones get everything, the passive ones who are nice, get nothing. That's just how the world works when it comes to family inheritance or anything. But it isn't right and it makes me angry. To see the worst in someone's nature come out is discouraging. Don't they have a heart? Is money all they care about? Some people really are that selfish. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PSfBSz3Hs94/XMRMOU2du9I/AAAAAAAAWMI/ndpjxEnxOyAOBa7JhQ7gVJh2W30Cf7qqQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4126.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1229" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PSfBSz3Hs94/XMRMOU2du9I/AAAAAAAAWMI/ndpjxEnxOyAOBa7JhQ7gVJh2W30Cf7qqQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4126.JPG" width="245" /></a>Michelle refused to put her jacket on. Meanwhile I had mine zipped up to the top and I was still shivering. It would almost seem warm one minute but then the sun would dip behind the clouds and an icy wind would rip through you. It was ALWAYS so windy! Every day it seemed. I never remember this many windy days before. I didn't watch the news but I was always hearing from Mom about #ClimateChange wreaking havoc -- wind, rain, fires, floods. So many people had their homes or cottages flooded. So many people lost everything. I used to dream about living by the water. You couldn't now. Not with the way the world has changed. It's too dangerous. Water levels are rising. It's scary. I remember my sister talking about a poster she saw on Climate Change: "Stay calm and adapt." How can you stay calm when everything is falling apart. But somehow you have to adapt to survive. Hopefully we can take better care of the Earth so we still have a world for our children to grow up in.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SJ7sy9dA2Lg/XMRMfLmfrrI/AAAAAAAAWMo/PmTrMGUDQRUAU5HqRXVPyKexKHS5WSDLgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4139.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1206" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SJ7sy9dA2Lg/XMRMfLmfrrI/AAAAAAAAWMo/PmTrMGUDQRUAU5HqRXVPyKexKHS5WSDLgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4139.JPG" width="241" /></a></div>
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fFdhxjF8tDA/XMRMfPmFN3I/AAAAAAAAWMs/JVboayPRQuk_U1bNiBRPrNCz2s-DT0K2ACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4138.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a>One day after school Michelle had a stuffed dog in her backpack. "Sparky the Fire Dog." There was a booklet with him and some activities. Apparently the kids each took turns having a "sleepover" with Sparky while he taught them about fire safety. Luckily we even had a bed in Sparky's size!<br />
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There were exercises to do. We had to test all the fire alarms (I warned Michelle to cover her ears because it's ear-splittingly loud, as it has to be to make sure you hear it and get out) and design a fire escape plan. We drew a map together making note of the exits and decided on our plan if need be. We walked through possible scenarios. It was creepy and I really didn't want to do it but it was important. Some things are awful and you don't want to think about them but you have to be prepared just in case. It is a good way to get kids to learn the basics to deal with an emergency and it forces parents to test their alarms (which admittedly I hadn't done in a while.)<br />
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After all the family drama and subsequent stress and insomnia, I pretty much gave up on meditation and mindfulness for the time being. My mind was too active to even attempt to be still and find my zen. But sometimes I would take a moment to just breathe (mostly because my therapist told me I had to.) Sometimes I would pet Ali and the sound of her purring was like medicine. For an instant at least I could feel the stress melt away. I envy cats. They are ZEN MASTERS! They don't stress. They spend most of their lives looking beautiful and graceful and all they do is nap. I wish I was more like a cat. They are the only creature that is so happy their happiness has it's own sound. We should all be able to purr. Maybe we'd be nicer to each other then. Actually cats get angry too though. They hiss and scratch and bite when they have to. Everyone gets angry at some point. It is natural. It is a defense mechanism when attacked. Cats can be very vicious if you threaten them, but they are the most chill, sweet, zen little creatures if you're nice to them or just leave them alone. The same could be said about me. Sort of. Ok I'm not very chill, even at the best of times.<br />
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We went to see the Avengers: Endgame. I was torn because I was curious to see it and we LOVED Captain Marvel but I was concerned once again that it would be violent. I also was afraid that THREE HOURS was way too long and that Michelle would lose patience with it. She didn't even know most of the characters. She had only seen Captain Marvel and Iron Man. Would she even understand the story? Anyway she begged me to go and eventually wore me down. We loved it but it was REALLY REALLY long! My legs went numb. I had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. I do love a good superhero movie though. I really need to see the good guys win once in a while. I'm so sick to death of the bad guys winning and getting away with it time and again. "Life isn't fair," my therapist tells me. As if that's supposed to be comforting or make it OK.<br />
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One day my therapist wrote a series of equations on a piece of paper and handed it to me. The first was wrong so I corrected it. "Why did you feel the need to correct that." 'Because it was wrong," I answered. "Did you notice that all the others were right? Why do you only focus on what's wrong?" "Because the ones that are right you can just leave. It's only the wrong one that you have to change." She tried to get out of me why I need to be right. I don't know. I just do. It's why I got As in school. I loved that in school you COULD get a right answer and get a gold star or an A. In real life it wasn't quite the same. You could be right but no one would give you a check mark. No one would even acknowledge it. In fact some people would even make you wrong for it. I remember one of my boyfriends using a Dr. Phil line on me "Would you rather be RIGHT or would you rather be HAPPY?" I replied that "Being right MAKES me happy!" We had so many arguments. He was a Taurus so he could be very stubborn and bull-headed too. Then one day he finally had to admit that in most of the arguments we had, I had been right and he just couldn't admit it. I made him write "Ann Marie is always right!" and sign his name under it. I kept it in my wallet. I kept waiting to pull it out the next time we had an argument but we didn't seem to have many after that.<br />
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One of my therapists said that "if two people in a relationship always agree, one of them is redundant." If you were with someone EXACTLY like you then what would be the point? You already have YOU. You might as well just be alone. People are different and it is the ways that your partner challenges you that help you to grow. Of course if you are too different, if your fundamental goals and values and temperaments are at odds, it will be a constant battle and that's no fun. Sometimes I'll see a couple arguing and think how lucky I am NOT to have someone to argue with. At this point I can't even imagine getting involved in a romantic relationship and I wouldn't want to. I have enough to deal with just working on myself. Obviously I still have a LOT of work to do. As my therapist reminds me it's not about being "cured," suddenly becoming this self-actualized perfect human. It's more about acknowledging your full range of emotions, noticing and challenging negative and unhelpful thought patterns. Being true to yourself and living a rich and fulfilling life.<br />
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My little ballerina. I love watching her dance. I am so proud of her. I can see myself as a little girl in her. It's like I get to live again but get it right this time. Not that my Mom did everything wrong. I know that my Mom loved me in her own way but a lot of the time it felt like my needs weren't met, my dreams weren't encouraged or supported. I felt insecure and afraid a lot of the time. I want to give Michelle wings so she can fly. I want her to believe in herself and know that she can do anything. And when she asks for ballet lessons and piano lessons and anything else she wants I say "YES" because as a child everything that I wanted and asked for the answer was always "NO." It made me feel powerless and unimportant. It's like I didn't matter. Of course Mom always just said we couldn't afford it. I'm a Single Mom but I will still do whatever I can to make Michelle happy.<br />
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I can't even put into words how much Michelle means to me. She is my everything. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have never had so much joy and meaning in my life. Though I still have my stresses and struggles, even on the darkest day I have this brilliant light shining in the form of Michelle. She is my angel. She is the sweetest little girl and I know that for all my flaws and mistakes at least I did one thing right. I am raising a wonderful little girl entirely on my own and it is my love and nurturing and support that help her to be who she is.<br />
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I would give Michelle the world if I could. I keep hoping I'll win a lottery or something. We usually go to see the Princess Margaret Dream Home but this year any time my Mom and I thought about going it was terrible weather. Even when we were sure there wouldn't be another snowfall, there was. Finally it was getting down to the wire. The tickets were almost sold out. It was going to be a sunny day, albeit a little windy and chilly so we decided to make the long drive to see it. It was worth the trip. We all loved it. It was SO BEAUTIFUL. Michelle wanted to move in right away. I explained that we have to win it first. Though even if we won it we couldn't afford the property tax! LOL<br />
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A selfie of Michelle and me in our new living room... Hopefully! I loved how it was decorated. Everything was so beautiful.<br />
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My Mom was worried that it would be too crowded to take pictures but it wasn't as bad as we expected. The house had been open for over a month. Most people would have already gone if they wanted to see it. We used to go an opening weekend back in the day.<br />
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May was going through a lot and wasn't up to traveling so she didn't make the trip this year. She usually just goes to see the one that's more local. King City is quite the trek. Michelle liked that it was called King City. "And I can be the QUEEN!" she said. "Or at least the Princess." I added.<br />
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The basement was for Star Wars fanatics. I liked the original Star Wars trilogy but I'm not exactly a fanatic. I loved the cool, modern space themed decor but I might have to remove some of the Star Wars memorabilia (and find a new home for it with a die-hard fan.)<br />
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There was even a room covered in Storm Trooper wallpaper! Every year there's something different in the basement. Sometimes it's a home gym or bowling alley or golf course. Back in the day they used to put in a home theatre with a HUGE screen and actual movie seats which was really cool but they stopped doing that. Maybe it was too expensive. They can't possibly please everyone with their themes but it is always done beautifully.<br />
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I loved this white zen room. There was a statue of Buddha and I could imagine doing yoga bathed in sunlight.<br />
"I hope we win, Mama!"<br />
"Me too!" I said.<br />
My Mom told me that the house was much too big for just Michelle and me or just her and my dad so either way we would have to move in together. It is a big house but it would be very hard for me to live with my parents again. It took so long for me to move out on my own as it was. It would feel like a step back. Plus I'm a control freak and it would be hard to share my space again and my Mom has so much stuff...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m-ck1Q3rej8/XMcgCkdy3YI/AAAAAAAAWQs/TZisD3O_H_gY3L87_y-ZvF8fRVPiW_C9ACEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_4237.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1584" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m-ck1Q3rej8/XMcgCkdy3YI/AAAAAAAAWQs/TZisD3O_H_gY3L87_y-ZvF8fRVPiW_C9ACEwYBhgL/s320/IMG_4237.JPG" width="316" /></a>My girl is out of this world! It was fun to think about winning the house but also kind of scary to contemplate the logistics of it all. My Mom has mentioned us living together in the future, for me to take care of her and my dad when they get older. It sort of terrifies me. I love my parents but the thought of the responsibility is overwhelming. It takes so much patience and understanding and surrendering of control (all things that I struggle with!) to look after aging parents. I want to protect and love them but it is also a scary prospect. I like being on my own with my girl. My Mom says it would be ideal to live next door to each other. Each in our own space but close enough to visit all the time. That used to be her dream -- to win the lottery and buy a street of houses and have all her kids living on it. Out of the 4 siblings I was the only one willing to consider living on that street! I am the closest to my Mom and Michelle is very fond of her Gramma and Grampa. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0tRcwcDXIWw/XMm0E9p0DrI/AAAAAAAAWS0/p6k06NX4OQY5u_WhJsYc_h-OI8SQ5QFZACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4278.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1218" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0tRcwcDXIWw/XMm0E9p0DrI/AAAAAAAAWS0/p6k06NX4OQY5u_WhJsYc_h-OI8SQ5QFZACLcBGAs/s200/IMG_4278.JPG" width="151" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qpdX-by_Lfc/XMm0FeBuTVI/AAAAAAAAWS4/aLq5rp9S_9E7nX8nFcBwuBTkrRL2JEVKACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4277.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1275" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qpdX-by_Lfc/XMm0FeBuTVI/AAAAAAAAWS4/aLq5rp9S_9E7nX8nFcBwuBTkrRL2JEVKACLcBGAs/s200/IMG_4277.JPG" width="159" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zEORrGhWHfw/XMm0FkGMJ-I/AAAAAAAAWTA/iPJ8lqimLtIvQ5E7KhC-HbQ14Q3QpbdtgCLcBGAs/s1600/unicorn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1364" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zEORrGhWHfw/XMm0FkGMJ-I/AAAAAAAAWTA/iPJ8lqimLtIvQ5E7KhC-HbQ14Q3QpbdtgCLcBGAs/s320/unicorn.jpg" width="272" /></a>Michelle was doing a Gospel reading at her school liturgy. I was proud of her and wanted to see her so I went. She was so nervous about the reading. I told her there was nothing to worry about. She didn't have to have it memorized. She had already done piano recitals and even a ballet recital dancing on stage in front of hundreds of people. "But this is different. On the stage with the lights I couldn't SEE the people in the audience. It was just BLACK. And I wasn't up there all alone. Now I'll be able to see everyone. And they'll be watching me stand there by myself. Even the big kids. What if they laugh at me?" "No one will laugh at you." I assured her. Michelle doesn't seem like the shy type. But when it came to stage fright she did get nervous. At least she got to talk to her friends beforehand to settle her jitters. I was disappointed I didn't get to sit with her but I watched her from a distance. I got to talk to one of her friend's Moms. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_7X8mOPQd7w/XMm0FQEdyII/AAAAAAAAWS8/fSLGK1hAtbknkuOcvJGr5ULNWulgqElbQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4284.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1324" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_7X8mOPQd7w/XMm0FQEdyII/AAAAAAAAWS8/fSLGK1hAtbknkuOcvJGr5ULNWulgqElbQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4284.JPG" width="264" /></a>Michelle did really well with her reading. I was proud of her. It was a long passage. Some kids just had to say a line or two. She had to read a whole paragraph. It was about the Resurrection. When the women go looking for Jesus' body He isn't there. He has risen from the dead. Giving hope to the rest of us. There is more than this life. This life is messy and heartbreaking and wonderful and terrible and seems so important to us because it's all that we know but it is only a small part of the story. There is the afterlife. Heaven awaits us. We have to make the most of this life. And we don't always get it right. We make mistakes. But we have to at least try to do what we feel is right. I am trying. I am pretty far from perfect. The good news is that I gave up even trying to be perfect. No one is and it is just pointless. All I can be is the real me. "The good, the bad and the hot mess" (to quote Hannah B from the Bachelor, the new Bachelorette!)</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Zxex9XV4gKw/XNHUWE7a-9I/AAAAAAAAWXs/fvhPLkssSiYeh9K1ZAaSA0ItjRoduFHBgCLcBGAs/s1600/Happiness%2BTrap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="330" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Zxex9XV4gKw/XNHUWE7a-9I/AAAAAAAAWXs/fvhPLkssSiYeh9K1ZAaSA0ItjRoduFHBgCLcBGAs/s320/Happiness%2BTrap.jpg" width="211" /></a>"Let go of aiming for perfection. It is much more satisfying and fulfilling to be human." Russ Harris. My therapist recommended this book and I LOVE it. There is a lie/a trap that many of us fall into: the happiness trap -- illusion of perfection and happily ever after. The reality is that it's impossible. Movies and fairytales end with "They lived happily ever after." But it's easy to say that as the credits roll and you don't have to see the couple coming face to face with real life challenges and heartbreaks. We all seem to think we are SUPPOSED to be happy all the time and that if we're not we're somehow defective. When I started therapy that's how I used to think. I thought I shouldn't be scared and sad and angry and that the answer was to rid myself of these unpleasant emotions. I thought if I went through therapy I would be "cured" and would learn how to be happy all the time. I thought that painting unicorns and rainbows and glitter over everything and avoiding my issues and problems would make them go away. It doesn't. The messy business of life will catch up to you. And it is NATURAL and HEALTHY to get upset or angry or sad or to feel afraid. Our emotions are what make us human. People PRETEND to be happy all the time on Instagram. They force a smile and post an inspiring quote and make their lives seem perfect. No one's life is perfect. "If we live a full life , we will feel the full range of human emotions." Russ Harris</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q14ABTJSGQ0/XObnVzmATKI/AAAAAAAAWfg/CdiRxZ_qPfApwWrNvmenvB3c3hyxNdl8gCLcBGAs/s1600/glass%2Bcase%2Bof%2Bemotion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="304" data-original-width="576" height="210" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q14ABTJSGQ0/XObnVzmATKI/AAAAAAAAWfg/CdiRxZ_qPfApwWrNvmenvB3c3hyxNdl8gCLcBGAs/s400/glass%2Bcase%2Bof%2Bemotion.jpg" width="400" /></a>So I am trying to find a way to accept and deal with my anger and fear and sadness rather than pretend they're not there. I don't want to be angry all the time. But anger is a sign that something is wrong. If we have a reason to be upset then we should do something or at the very least SAY something about it. Not that we should get bent out of shape over every little thing. This sort of misplaced rage is a sign of other resentments that have been bottled up and are coming out inappropriately. Therapy is tough work. In many ways it is like excavating, doing an archaeological dig. The bones you are searching for are you, the real you that has been buried for so long under unconscious patterns and traps. It is hard to face yourself and confront your issues. I KNOW that I have issues. I fully own that. I am working on them. I am nowhere near done. I don't claim to have it all figured out. In spite of my work on self-care I still beat myself up sometimes. I still have that negative inner critic to deal with. There is a hilarious section of Harris' book that suggests you give a voice to your inner critic. So when my negative voice says "You are a failure" (as it often does for one reason or another!) I hear it in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice! Or Mickey Mouse's! I tried it and laughed my head off. It helps you to realize that the negative thought is just a thought, they are just words and not reality. You don't have to take it so seriously. </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cmWGHqLX-Qo/XObnhl-cdrI/AAAAAAAAWfk/uiFbcT_H9d01aqxIxE-hDX-pKUTF6KfxQCLcBGAs/s1600/smile%2Bon%2Byour%2Bbrother.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="400" height="318" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cmWGHqLX-Qo/XObnhl-cdrI/AAAAAAAAWfk/uiFbcT_H9d01aqxIxE-hDX-pKUTF6KfxQCLcBGAs/s320/smile%2Bon%2Byour%2Bbrother.jpeg" width="320" /></a>I don't want to be so hard on myself and others. I don't want to be negative and judgmental. I want to be kind. When people leave me be I can leave them be. When people are kind to me it's easy to be kind. The challenge is when people are rude or cruel. How can you show compassion to an asshole (even if or especially if it's your own brother?) It's tough. I want to be a better person. But I've got my work cut out for me just trying to deal with my own issues (which I fully own) without having to confront anyone else's unacknowledged issues. Sure I'd like to be the bigger person. I'd like to be a Saint. I'm NOT. I wish I was all "Peace and love, man." I really think being a hippie is easier if you're stoned. I don't do drugs. I remember that old 70s song "Get together" by the Youngbloods -- "Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now." I can't smile on my brother. Literally. I am angry with my brother and I don't see any resolution because he can't even admit he did anything wrong. I don't want to be angry. I want peace. To me the only way that is possible is just to leave each other alone. Live and let live. Agree to disagree. We will never see eye to eye. Just don't interfere with me (or my loved ones or our stuff) and I won't interfere with you. I will gladly leave C and X alone the rest of my life so long as they show me the same courtesy. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UG2c_LWazjU/XObpxM-K0KI/AAAAAAAAWfw/RC6WlotTQ0ElMqOuVEkzePpIHvzY1DGQACLcBGAs/s1600/yin%2Band%2Byang.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="260" data-original-width="260" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UG2c_LWazjU/XObpxM-K0KI/AAAAAAAAWfw/RC6WlotTQ0ElMqOuVEkzePpIHvzY1DGQACLcBGAs/s1600/yin%2Band%2Byang.png" /></a>It's so complicated. This post is a complete mess! Rambling, too long, bitter, too personal. The darkness and drama of family conflict interspersed with little happy moments with Michelle. Then again that pretty much sums up March and April: Darkness and light, good and bad. As I write this (still trying to finish the post in mid-late May) it is a strange day. In the morning it was overcast. The sky got so dark it was like night time and I was almost going to get up and put a light on. I thought there would be a thunderstorm but it was eerily silent. Then the sun came out and I thought. Oh, it's going to turn into a sunny day after all (and dang I didn't put sunscreen on Michelle before school because it looked like a dull, rainy day!) Then it got dark again. Then the sun came out again. This is life. The light and dark, yin and yang, good and bad. The sun (like hope, like love and beauty and all good things) is always there but sometimes it's behind the dark clouds. The clouds (like despair and hatred and ugliness and all things evil) can seem to take over the sky and blot everything out but they don't stay. Everything passes. We have to take it all, the light and the dark. It is all part of life. And as the yin and yang symbol shows, positive and negative flow together. They are two halves of the whole. And nothing is wholly positive without a little negative just as no one is completely negative without a little positive. Even the hero has flaws. Maybe even the villain has a good side.</div>
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Recently I saw a teaser trailer for the movie "Joker" that's coming out in the Fall featuring Joaquin Phoenix's harrowing portrayal of the infamous villain. It shows the Joker's heartbreaking tragic back story. It is far too dark and disturbing a film to take Michelle to (and I think it's rated R anyway) but it looked fascinating and I'd love to see it. It's easy to see Batman as the good guy and the Joker as just this sick sadistic bad guy in the movies. We never wonder how or why he became that way. Are monsters born or made? Maybe it's a little of both. And maybe even monsters have a little humanity that they keep locked deep inside. We want to paint people as heroes and villains (I've always found labels very enticing as a form of mental short-hand but they're usually not entirely fair. Labels are for envelopes, right? But it's hard not to pigeon hole people and make snap judgments. It can be a defense mechanism. To protect ourselves. "That guy seems like a bad guy. I'll avoid him." As I told Michelle though, you can't always tell. Sometimes even a guy who seems good can really be bad. I call it the "Hans principle" -- think of Hans in Frozen, he seems to really love Anna but is really just plotting to marry and murder her then steal the crown. Vultures can be very charming when they're circling their prey.)</div>
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We like to simplify, to see things in black and white terms (as my therapist says it's how I tend to view the world.) Good and bad. But everyone has a back story. Even the villain who may seem so despicable, has his tragic back story. You just don't know it. He just appears heartless. As the saying goes "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." It's a beautiful sentiment but it's really hard in practice. Especially for someone like me who finds it hard to forgive anyone who hurts me. Maybe I should try to see things from their perspective. Maybe they have their own stuff going on, that is just as difficult or even more painful than what I'm going through. Maybe they didn't mean to hurt me. Maybe they're just clueless, not cruel. Maybe I misinterpret people's actions because it's coming through my filter which is admittedly suspicious to begin with. Perception is reality. What we see and feel and think is real to us. Maybe with more information, maybe with a wider perspective we would understand more. I am not wise, all-knowing, patient, all-loving. I am not a Saint. I get angry at assholes. I can't help it. I wish I could just let things go.<br />
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It's not just me. It seems the whole world is fighting with each other. Fighting about politics, religion, money, relationships, everything. Everyone is stressed out. Everything is falling apart. There is so much turmoil. People love to point fingers. Everyone casts him or herself as the victim or hero and the other side as the villain. No one is open to viewing the world from the other person's perspective. Very few people have mastered the ability to be a detached observer. It's hard to be impartial when you're involved. There are three sides to every story -- one side, the other side and the impartial truth. Witness testimony is always iffy at best. Ask 20 people what happened and get 20 different answers. They're not even lying necessarily, it's just the way that they remember events, how it got filtered through their perception, their own unique set of experiences and beliefs and values. We never really know the "whole" story. Is it fair to judge without knowing? Maybe even the so-called villains aren't all bad. Maybe, like the Joker, he had a really good reason. The world can break you. And being broken could humble and soften you or it can harden your heart, make you cold and hard as stone. If we only understood the pain that everyone carries and deals with in their own way, we might feel compassion for them. We might see that they're not all bad. That life hardened them to the point where becoming cold was a survival mechanism. Some people are very good at wearing masks and they will never let you see the real human behind it. Some people are so proud they would rather you see them as cruel heartless assholes than to see them as vulnerable. Vulnerability is seen as weakness. Yet here I am advertising my flaws, writing about my weaknesses, wearing my heart on my sleeve. No wonder people think I'm crazy. Or maybe they see me as a villain. I certainly can be unkind. I speak my mind and I will speak out when I feel like someone has done wrong. But I would never willingly hurt an innocent person. Never. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_mdBDgYfEY4/XObts5jILYI/AAAAAAAAWf8/YQqgsKhAQqsPGq_41M35cQQptskpCY2iwCLcBGAs/s1600/dark%2Bside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="355" data-original-width="593" height="238" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_mdBDgYfEY4/XObts5jILYI/AAAAAAAAWf8/YQqgsKhAQqsPGq_41M35cQQptskpCY2iwCLcBGAs/s400/dark%2Bside.jpg" width="400" /></a>Thank you for reading this, if you have actually made it this far down the page! I don't even know how many pages this would be if it were on paper. I just keep scrolling down the screen. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm sorry for all the anger. I know it's not very becoming. This is my dark side. At least I am being honest and it's stuff I need to work through. Writing this has helped me. Just typing all of this crap. I feel lighter. I feel like I can begin to be free of it. It hasn't really resolved anything. (It may even make the situation worse although Mom warned C I'd be posting this and he said he couldn't care less and doesn't go online anyway, so I took that as permission. Not that I needed permission. I am writing this against the wishes of my entire family. I asked my therapist whether I should do it and she circumvented it by answering a question with a question. The bottom line is I am dealing with mental health issues and I have enough stress to deal with. I didn't need all this added drama. And if writing about it is going to help me put it behind me then that's what I have to do.)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DeKcYRoXjGo/XOcnWC1gIzI/AAAAAAAAWgY/0-JefNdZPLE7st2O-_RLc-9WQn2WSl1vgCLcBGAs/s1600/far%2Bfrom%2Bperfect%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="341" data-original-width="492" height="221" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DeKcYRoXjGo/XOcnWC1gIzI/AAAAAAAAWgY/0-JefNdZPLE7st2O-_RLc-9WQn2WSl1vgCLcBGAs/s320/far%2Bfrom%2Bperfect%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a>I am the first to admit that I am pretty fucking far from perfect. My life is not perfect. The thing is NO ONE'S IS. Even if it looks that way on the surface. I could have just included smiling happy photos with Michelle and pretended life is just hunky dory. (I have never written the words hunky dory and now that I have I realize it makes me sound really old. Of course I am really old. I just had a birthday but I'll save that for the next blog post which will hopefully be much lighter and happier! I will do my best!) In many of my posts that's mostly what I did -- included the photos of the happy moments without saying too much about my darker moments. But I am trying to be authentic. I am overcoming addictions and "control strategies." I am trying to work through my issues and part of that is ACTUALLY FACING AND CONFRONTING MY ISSUES and acknowledging the things that bother me instead of ignoring and avoiding them. The only way OUT is THROUGH. You face the demons instead of pretending they're not there. If nothing else at least I am real. I don't have the time or patience for BS. I want to be who I really am. I just wish that was a more calm, cool, collected and compassionate person. I'm working on it. Obviously I have a LONG way to go. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p_6NAN_u89g/XMm0aMhAroI/AAAAAAAAWTU/wn3feZ7As08fyvyq0aUNhyiQmdN2GMc5ACLcBGAs/s1600/100_0013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p_6NAN_u89g/XMm0aMhAroI/AAAAAAAAWTU/wn3feZ7As08fyvyq0aUNhyiQmdN2GMc5ACLcBGAs/s320/100_0013.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle had asked me for a KidiZoom watch/camera thing a number of times in the past but it was too expensive and I didn't really understand how it worked and I thought you needed wifi or an app or something so I just always said no. Then we found it at a liquidation center for less than half price so she talked me into it. I have a hard time saying no to my girl. She had a ball playing games on it, taking photos and videos. She took a picture of herself as a bunny. It was kind of like the Snapchat filters Shannon has on her phone. Michelle would love to have a cellphone or tablet but she's WAY too young. For now she's having fun on her watch. She was SO happy with it. She kept saying "Thank you Mama! I love it! You're the best Mama in the world! You're the best Mama EVER! I can't believe you got me this!" At least when you get Michelle something she is incredibly grateful and appreciative so it's more than worth it. I love making her happy. If I get nothing else right in my life I want to at least do that. Michelle truly is more important to me than anyone or anything. I would literally give her the world if I could. </div>
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Well there have been some VERY dark moments here but I'll end with unicorns and rainbows at least! Michelle took this selfie of us with her new Kidizoom watch. It's a little blurry but still cute.<br />
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I REALLY want the unicorns and rainbows. If I had my way we'd be living in a Utopia where nothing bad ever happened. Unfortunately these days we're living in a Dystopia where everything is falling apart. I don't want to face the darkness and ugliness of life but sometimes you have to. I used to think the answer was to just be "happy" all the time. But no one is. Sometimes negative emotions are a signal to change, to take action because something isn't right. It's OK to get angry when someone wrongs you. It's OK to speak up. The thing about emotions is that none of them, not even the bad ones, last forever. The uncomfortable feelings (especially if you're able to express them openly) will pass and you will feel better again. No, life is not all unicorns and rainbows. At least now I'm not pretending that it is and I am willing to face the unpleasant feelings, to deal with them head on. I am willing to be honest, to own my issues and my mess. I have come a long way but I still have a lot of work to do and I'm the first to admit that.<br />
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The sun is out now! It's a beautiful Spring day. FINALLY. The fresh air brings a feeling of hope. Maybe the dark days are past. Thank you for your patience, for listening/reading if you made it this far! I know it's been A LOT! This has been such a chaotic one! I know it's too angry and too personal. I know I'm probably crazy to put this "out there." I'm sorry for that. I'm working on being a better person but you can see I have my work cut out for me! And this clearing out of mental crap is part of it. It's better to have this out of me. I don't want to carry it anymore. I want to let go. This was the only way. Writing all this has taken a long time and it was rough going but it's been so therapeutic for me. To forgive doesn't mean to condone or accept behaviour. It just means that you let go of its hold on you. Forgive means literally to loosen or untie. I've been tied in knots too long. I want to get back to the peace that I was beginning to find. I needed to get all of this out of me so that I can be free of it. I am pressing publish and I'm not editing out the bad parts. Whatever the fallout may be, I think it's better to say what you feel than to hold it in and let it eat away at you. Hoping to get through this dark patch and find better, brighter days ahead, maybe even a few actual rainbows...Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-3138572474820532122019-03-29T14:32:00.002-04:002019-05-23T23:28:37.056-04:00Life is an Experiment...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I suppose that some people actually <i>like</i> Winter. Kids have fun playing in the snow. Some people enjoy skiing. (I've never been and don't really have an interest, which is good because I've heard it's very expensive and I'd probably break my leg!) Yeah, no I can't even pretend. I just detest Winter. I can't stand the cold. I HATE the snow. Of course I tolerate it for Michelle's sake. I will build a snowman (or snow woman/cat/whatever) if I have to. But if I had my way I would literally NEVER SEE SNOW AGAIN! Like EVER.<br />
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For me, Winter is just the WORST. January and February are bleak AF. At least in November and December there's the excitement of CHRISTMAS. January and February are just a frozen hopeless wasteland of death, despair, regret and failed resolutions. I guess if you're in a relationship there's Valentine's Day to look forward to but I don't think even flowers, chocolates or jewelry can pull you out of the abyss that is Winter. Of course some lucky people escape the Winter by going on a tropical holiday... Or DO they?<br />
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I tried that ONCE, back in the day. It seemed like a good idea at the time: A temporary refuge from Winter/February/all things cold and awful? Sign me up! I went to Samana, Dominican Republic for a week, for Valentine's Day with my boyfriend at the time. It was beyond beautiful. It was even better than I could have imagined. Turquoise water. Golden sand. Glorious palm trees. For a photoholic, it was HEAVEN! EVERYTHING was a photo op. Photography is like breathing to me so I was breathing deeply and basking in the glory of the most beautiful place I had ever been. To me the photos are almost the best part! I even got to pose with a parrot and a monkey!!! Right?! Yeah it cost $10 per photo but how could you NOT do that?! How often do you have the opportunity to have an adorable capuchin monkey or a colourful parrot on your shoulder?! So yes it was an AMAZING adventure and it did help me to completely escape/forget the horrors of Winter WHILE I WAS THERE. Unfortunately the problem with going to Paradise is YOU DON'T GET TO STAY!<br />
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I've heard of some people going on vacation and loving it so much that they actually MOVE there. That makes me SO jealous. Those people are my heroes. They are living the dream. I would have LOVED to do that but I was too chicken so instead I settled for creating a tropical themed backyard when Summer came, complete with sand and hardy tropical plants. Of course it wasn't the same without water but a pool wasn't in the budget. Now I just look forward to Summer and head to a local beach. With Climate Change, living in the tropics is just dangerous anyway. Your home could be washed away. The planet is literally falling apart and Canada is still one of the safer places to live. So I guess I can put up with the cold Winters. I just don't LIKE it.<br />
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Now don't get me wrong. I'm still glad that I went on that tropical trip, despite the painful aftermath. I am eternally grateful that I got to see Samana, even though it broke my heart beyond words to leave it. I will cherish those memories and photos for the rest of my life. This is actually why I take so many photos. You have to capture everything as it happens because each moment is precious and will never happen again. I wrote a song in Spanish about Samana called "Deseo." (I looked up the words I didn't know and had a Spanish friend proofread it.) Here's the video. It includes a bunch of photos from the trip. I'm so grateful to have this. So no I don't regret my tropical vacation once upon a time however I learned the hard way that even having an escape from Winter doesn't really help if you still have to come back. So now I just take mental vacations! They're a lot cheaper and easier. I can close my eyes and visualize a tropical beach and I don't even have to wear sunscreen!<br />
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But I'm getting a little off topic! This post is supposed to be about January and February 2019. At least now that I'm making my posts a little shorter it's somewhat easier to finish them. I can't believe it, after so many months (years?) of being several months behind I'm actually pretty much caught up! This post is about January and February and I'm actually writing it IN MARCH! Which is much more sensible! This simplifying and scaling down thing just makes blogging easier. It makes life easier too. I try to eliminate stress any way I can these days. Mind you there are always things beyond my control. I can't control the weather, upsetting events or other people, as much as I may want to sometimes...<br />
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The new year started out a little disappointing. The first week of January Michelle was home on Christmas break and I wanted to make it fun for her. Ironically while Michelle was home and WANTED it to snow, it didn't. It was just cold, bleak and awful so we mostly stayed inside. You can start to go a little stir crazy when you're cooped up too long.<br />
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Michelle had several science kits/STEM projects she'd gotten for Christmas, so we decided to work our way through them. Overall they didn't go very well. The volcano didn't erupt as expected (it was more of a fizzle.) The crystals didn't crystallize like they should have. The slime was more sticky than slimy. The bath bombs BOMBED (the instructions suggested adding more corn starch if it was too sticky/if there was too much humidity -- almost like they expect you to fail. So after a LOT of extra corn starch the bombs dried out so they weren't so wet/sticky but they still wouldn't form into shapes in the mold as they were supposed to.) This is life, I guess. It never looks like the photo on the box. It's never quite what you expect. Then Michelle wanted to try one of the misshapen bath bombs in her bath and got a terrible rash. Good Lord. I wished I hadn't bought the stupid thing. Bad enough it didn't work and now it was causing bodily harm. Michelle has such sensitive skin I shouldn't have even let her try it. It was one of the things she asked for and which I purchased against my better judgment. It was maddening.<br />
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Trying to recoup some of my losses (the recovering shopaholic in me hated the idea of throwing money away. Normally I couldn't be bothered returning anything but now I was motivated to save rather than spend money), I returned the slime kit and bath bombs to the stores for refunds but I was still annoyed with the whole experience. Can't anything go right? Can't anything do what it's supposed to? You follow all the instructions and it doesn't work. You do everything right and it's still wrong. Of course, when it comes to experiments the point is that you don't know the results. You try and see what happens. You can follow all of the instructions exactly but your results may vary. There are always unknown variables. I got a picture of Michelle out of the experience at least. She looked adorable in her little dress up doctor outfit as a lab coat. She had fun with the experiments anyway. Even if they didn't quite go as planned.<br />
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The experiment/kit that I was the most apprehensive about was the Smithsonian Prehistoric Sea Monsters (Triops) kit. The whole thing gave me the creeps! It was just bizarre to me. I couldn't imagine how you could hatch 220 million year old creatures in a jar. Part of me worried the monsters would go Jurassic Park on us and kill us. Or be like Gremlins and eat too much after midnight and multiply or turn into monsters or something. The creatures on the box were scary looking, fugly things -- like if tadpoles turned evil. Not exactly a selling point. Frankly I wasn't sure I wanted them living in a jar on my kitchen counter. Still, Michelle was psyched about it and I wanted to encourage her scientific curiosity. So one day, white knuckles and all I decided to give it a go. Per instructions we got the jar, filled it with room temperature distilled water and poured in the "eggs" which looked more like dirt. The instructions said to only use half the pack of eggs and save the rest for another time -- the creatures didn't live long and you wanted to get two chances at this hatching experience I guess. We kept the jar under a light as you're supposed to to maintain a constant temperature of 72 degrees Fahrenheit. And we waited. After a couple of days we could see little eggs around the edge, like tiny white pearls, but none of them seemed to hatch. Then finally we had one little lonely speck moving around the jar. He got bigger until he had eyes, antennae and fins that looked almost like wings. He was sort of cute. He looked virtually NOTHING like the photos of Triops on the box (which was actually good in this instance because those things were sort of hideous and horrifying!) It was hard to get a picture of him because he was small and almost invisible and constantly moving but we managed to snap a few where you can sort of see him.<br />
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He was cute in a way. We got attached to the little guy. We named him "Teenie." Every day we would go up to the jar and watch him swim around. I've always loved aquariums but wouldn't risk having one because I'd be afraid our cat Ali would attack the fish. Also they're pretty expensive. It was nice to see our little Triop (or whatever he was) swimming around. None of the other eggs ever hatched. Just our one lonely guy. At least he had a lot of room to swim. I was worried about overfeeding him because one tiny pellet is supposed to be divided between two or more Triops but there was just him so I put the one pellet in and hoped for the best. He seemed to be doing OK. They don't live very long, like a few weeks tops. The wording on the box was something like "Once all your Triops are gone (dead), put the other half of the eggs in to hatch." Kind of morbid/heartless but I guess that's scientific detachment for you.<br />
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It was an exercise in Mindfulness watching Teenie. If I was feeling stressed out I would watch him gliding gracefully through the water and it was sort of soothing. It helped me to be present. What was there to worry about after all? There is just this moment. And this moment is OK. This tiny translucent guy swimming around in distilled water wasn't worried about anything. If he could be happy in his little jar then what did I have to complain about? Sometimes Teenie would come right to the edge of the glass and appear to look me in the eyes. Of course he was probably just seeing his own reflection but I swear it seemed like he was looking right at me. I looked forward to seeing him each day. Michelle loved him too. Sometimes he was hard to find for a second or two because he was almost invisible/see-through but then there he would be darting around.<br />
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We made a series of videos but this one turned out the best as far as actually being able to SEE him. I'm so glad that I got videos and photos because he didn't last long. Not even as long as expected.<br />
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One day when I went to check on Teenie he was just gone. Vanished. I thought if he'd died I'd see him floating on the top but no. Then I thought maybe he was in the sand which was like finding a needle in a haystack because he was white/clear like the sand. Finally I saw him lying there, his little black eyes. I cried. I'd only known him a couple of weeks and I'd gotten attached. Michelle was sad when I told her but she didn't cry. She's more resilient than Mama.<br />
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So all of our experiments were disappointing but Teenie was the most heartbreaking. Losing someone or something that you've grown attached to is toughest of all. It was silly of me of course. But I couldn't help it. It's how I'm made. Sentimental fool. Impossible to be a detached scientist. Damn you, Smithsonian! I mean, I got the kit on sale but still. They should have warnings on the box:<br />
1. Your results may vary. Out of all the eggs only one may hatch and he won't look ANYTHING like the Triops on the box. (Come to think of it he probably wasn't even a Triop at all! But what WAS he? After looking at images online I think he may actually have been a Fairy Shrimp...)<br />
2. DO NOT GET ATTACHED to your sea monsters if one actually does hatch. They will not live very long. Maybe only 10 days. DO NOT name them. Naming them makes you even more attached.<br />
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It was a bummer. I'm still grateful for the experience even though we only got to know him for a few days. Still the last thing I needed was another heartbreak when I'm already trying to heal. And it just sounds ridiculous to say that you're crying because you started to care about your child's science experiment. Yeah, sometimes life just sucks. No unicorns. No rainbows.<br />
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We needed a little cheering up. We went to see Mary Poppins Returns. Our expectations were high and we were not disappointed. It was amazing. It did justice to the original. It was so beautiful and magical that it really helped me to forget and to escape the stresses and realities of my own life. I almost wished I could step into the world on the screen. Part of me wishes life could be like that. And sometimes, in small ways, it is. Art, music, beauty, laughter, adventure can transform your life but much of the time you are just caught up in the mundane and unpleasant aspects of life. And some days it wears you down.<br />
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I was reading books about yoga, mindfulness, meditation. I was learning about concepts like non-judgment and non-attachment, radical acceptance of life just as it is. I WANTED to live that way but it is such a struggle for me to put into practice. I judge things as pleasant or unpleasant. I get attached (even to teenie Triops after ten days). I try to be more resilient but sometimes I still feel like I'm falling apart.<br />
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Michelle was happy to be back at school. I couldn't believe the whole Christmas break had gone by without snow and then it snows when she has to go to school. Murphy's Law I guess. Whatever you don't want is EXACTLY what will happen. Michelle was happy to see the snow anyway.<br />
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I was glad that Michelle was a happy, healthy, enthusiastic, friendly girl. Mama was not doing quite so well.<br />
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January is a bit of a kick in the teeth. All the Christmas bills roll in, you make resolutions it's too hard to keep, it's cold and bleak and depressing. To make matters worse, after all my newfound financial responsibility I suffered a couple of setbacks money-wise. It didn't seem fair after I'd been doing so well. Even people who don't suffer from anxiety would be upset about a cheque (or two) not coming in when expected. I was trying to hold it together but there were things beyond my control and I'm never a fan of that. Sometimes it felt like every time I tried to feel a little bit empowered the rug would be pulled out from under me.<br />
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There was one aggravation after another but it went from bad to worse. My toilets hadn't worked properly in months which was increasingly annoying. The toilet on the upper floor wouldn't fill back up with water after you flushed so you'd have to lift the lid every single time and touch down on the little screw thingy (the gauge on the water intake valve) to make it fill with water. The toilet on the main floor was the reverse -- after you flushed it wouldn't STOP running water so you'd have to open up the lid and touch the thing to make it stop. It was a nuisance having to do it EVERY bloody time you went to the washroom, especially when you were in a hurry.<br />
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Then one day when everything was already going wrong, things went even more wrong. I reached my breaking point, literally. After going to the bathroom, I went to put the toilet lid back on for the millionth time and it almost fell out of my hands. It scared me to death (my nerves were already shot and that didn't help) and I was so angry that when I went to sit (slam?) the lid down a little overzealously, expletives flying, it <b>SMASHED. IN HALF</b>! "Jeez--Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" I screamed. I couldn't believe it. Actually I <b>could</b> believe it because it was par for the course at this point. Bad enough my toilets were broken. Now this one was REALLY broken. Good Lord. Well what could I do? I thought I could just buy a new toilet lid. Then I thought maybe I could just leave the broken piece off. It would look like Hell but at least that way I could reach inside and touch the thing to make it stop running water without having to lift the whole heavy lid. Nope. Not a good idea! I reached in to try it. The edge of the broken porcelain was SHARP AF. I accidentally sliced my thumb open. Because of course I did. It was bleeding like a mo-fo. Now I had to bandage it and hurry because I had to pick up Michelle from school. I love my life.<br />
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Needing to vent about everything I called my sister in tears at one point sobbing "Everything is going wrong! Can't ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING WORK JUST ONCE?! Everything is a fail. None of the experiments worked. Teenie's dead. I smashed my toilet in half..."<br />
My poor sister was like "Wait...What...? Smashed your toilet? Who's Teenie?"<br />
I definitely won the sister lottery. Somehow I always feel better after talking to May. She is like this incredibly sweet, sane, wise, non-judgmental, calm voice of reason and always makes you feel better no matter what is going on. She's better than a therapist. Better than a best friend. She is an angel. Even when she has her own problems to stress about. And she always makes me laugh. She is the best sister and best friend anyone could have and I am grateful beyond words to have her in my life. I just wish I lived closer to her. Talking to May helped a lot. I wasn't the only one with failed experiments. Reggie had gotten one of those slime kits for Christmas too and the slime wasn't slimy! And nothing works the way it's supposed to and everything goes wrong. It wasn't just me. May had many other worries and stresses to contend with. And of course everyone does. Some people have it much MUCH worse. This is life. Sometimes it just sucks. It helped to vent but the bottom line was now I REALLY needed to do something about this toilet business.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PnXMxCwndoI/XHg72_YMgiI/AAAAAAAAVkw/63TAXidBlBcLNTEl-T0WPk4mqTejEX-vwCLcBGAs/s1600/Fixing%2Btoilet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1257" data-original-width="949" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PnXMxCwndoI/XHg72_YMgiI/AAAAAAAAVkw/63TAXidBlBcLNTEl-T0WPk4mqTejEX-vwCLcBGAs/s320/Fixing%2Btoilet.jpg" width="241" /></a>In a funny way, breaking the toilet lid was actually a good thing because it lit a fire under me. I had been annoyed with the broken toilets for a long time but not enough to do anything about them. Now I was REALLY motivated to fix them. I went to Home Depot for a new toilet lid because I actually thought that was possible. Unfortunately they don't sell toilet LIDS. They only sell ENTIRE TOILETS for $200+. That was really not working for me. While I was in the store however I saw a Universal All in One Toilet Repair Kit for $35. I bought it on an impulse. It said it was easy to install. I had my doubts but I was desperate at this point. I was sick of lifting a heavy toilet lid every single friggin time I went to the bathroom (which, given my IBS was OFTEN!) Now I even had a broken lid. Online a new lid was $90. That wasn't working for me either. I decided I would just Krazy Glue the lid. At least once the toilet was fixed I wouldn't have to keep lifting the lid every time. The broken lid was kind of a metaphor for my breakdown -- I will live with a bad situation for a long time and just make do and put up with it until it becomes so unbearable that I crack and it forces me to do something to change.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bnI-PiKiGRs/XHg73X8qpzI/AAAAAAAAVk0/GwuwccSWu7MtdX7uetZj8R1Pu2Hvf9pcACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2121.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1421" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bnI-PiKiGRs/XHg73X8qpzI/AAAAAAAAVk0/GwuwccSWu7MtdX7uetZj8R1Pu2Hvf9pcACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2121.JPG" width="284" /></a>I called a plumber just to see what they would charge to install this kit for me. They wanted $125+. No, I thought. I will do it myself. I'll try anyway.<br />
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I decided to adopt a new philosophy that "Life is an experiment" and to step outside my comfort zone to attempt things that I previously would have thought were impossible for me. The instructions were DAUNTING. I couldn't believe at one point you even have to hack saw through a pipe?! I didn't think I had a hack saw but when I looked through my tools, I actually DID! My Mom must have bought it for me. I had everything I needed (except a plumber's wrench which I borrowed from a neighbour.) It was so out of character for me. I am NOT handy. I was WAY outside my comfort zone. Somehow against all odds I survived fixing my first toilet and bought another kit to repair the second.<br />
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This time I decided to film it and put it on Youtube. I wanted to inspire other women like me who would normally never attempt something like this. Women like me who tend to doubt themselves. I wanted to show them "Yes you can!"<br />
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Here is the video on Youtube: "How to fix a toilet/install a Fluidmaster Universal All in One Toilet repair kit." It was enormously gratifying and empowering to make those repairs myself. There were so many things beyond my control but this was something that I could take charge of. And it wasn't easy and it wasn't fun but I got through it step by step. I was feeling stronger. I was feeling better. "I am woman, hear me roar!" Sure.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qYAjUGqURio/XIK9tcXPYNI/AAAAAAAAVls/0WDxucTXFxw_j1kx7SMshwKRrVQ7GltcwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2145.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1296" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qYAjUGqURio/XIK9tcXPYNI/AAAAAAAAVls/0WDxucTXFxw_j1kx7SMshwKRrVQ7GltcwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2145.JPG" width="259" /></a>Apparently I'm not the only one who's not a fan of January. January is so friggin bleak there is even a day they call "Blue Monday:" A day that is supposed to be the most depressing of the year. The third Monday of the month. I'm not sure how you can actually calculate something like that (a formula based on weather conditions, debt level, the aftermath of Christmas, failing resolutions, lagging motivation) but it made sense to me. January and February just suck, period. Call it Seasonal Affective Disorder or just Canada Problems but to me in the bleak mid-winter they are almost all blue Mondays and Tuesdays and every day of the friggin week. Black and blue. Depressed and stressed. Perfect combo.<br />
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There were so many dark days. Days so grey you couldn't see the sun. On one particularly bleak day I looked up and there was just the faintest bit of a rainbow trying to peek through the clouds. "I need a rainbow," I thought. "I NEED unicorns and rainbows." I need something really beautiful and happy to happen because I'm so tired of the darkness and the problems and the mess.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zg8icxD7q0Y/XIK-1eY4cyI/AAAAAAAAVmU/ZzmW6meEQSYZrgCz9ZAsD6Qdo1mkjBrUwCLcBGAs/s1600/party.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; color: black; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="939" data-original-width="1093" height="274" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zg8icxD7q0Y/XIK-1eY4cyI/AAAAAAAAVmU/ZzmW6meEQSYZrgCz9ZAsD6Qdo1mkjBrUwCLcBGAs/s320/party.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="color: blue;">And of course Michelle is my unicorns and rainbows. Even on the darkest day she wouldn't lose her smile. She was having fun with play dates and parties. At least one of us had a social life. I'm glad that she's outgoing. The opposite of Mama. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">I don't really mind not having a social life. As an introvert I actually prefer being alone and now that I'm a Mom there is very little time that I ever get to be alone. Of course I love being with Michelle but everyone needs a break once in a while. Being able to drop her off at a party and have a couple of hours to myself to get things done was a godsend. I was getting better at letting go. I still worry but I figure it's good for her to have some time away from me.</span></div>
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Generally I don't get lonely. Michelle is my world and spending time with her is all that I need. Of course it is nice to talk to other adults once in a while. My Mom calls every day. I try to see my sister regularly but in the winter, with the bad weather I didn't want to make any long trips. I'm grateful to have my therapists' support.<br />
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Live tweeting my shows on Twitter is about as close as I get to a "social" life. It is nice to connect with other people online. I still can't believe I have over 10K followers! It used to be over 11K but then many disappeared after a Twitter purge. In real life there are very few people that I feel connected with.<br />
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One day Michelle told me I was her best friend. It was so sweet to hear. "And you're mine, sweetheart. Always."<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sbo-cdwKq4I/XJooVHbOu0I/AAAAAAAAVm8/ZvvnStLpI_M12lmeHT2A4NNr9hNqtvCggCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2214.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1193" data-original-width="1600" height="238" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sbo-cdwKq4I/XJooVHbOu0I/AAAAAAAAVm8/ZvvnStLpI_M12lmeHT2A4NNr9hNqtvCggCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2214.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle and me always love going to Auntie May's. She has a ball running amok with Reggie and I enjoy talking and laughing with May, Shannon and Mom. Somehow they always make me laugh. During a long cold winter, I really needed a laugh. Some days were very dark in more ways than one. It always amazed me how enthusiastic Michelle is. She definitely doesn't get it from me. She looks at the sunny side of life all the time. I wish I was more like that. Sometimes everything is such a mess it's tough to see the sunny side. </div>
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Michelle drew this adorable family portrait of herself, Ali and me. She refers to Ali as her "furry older sister." Like most older sisters, Ali can be moody. Sometimes you just have to keep your distance and let her be. Other times she can be very sweet and loving.<br />
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I love my girls so much. On the darkest of days, they keep me going. Michelle makes me smile and laugh. Her hugs and kisses and sweet love notes melt my heart. Ali reminds me to be calm. The sound of her purring is so soothing, it helps me to find my zen. I'd been reading so many books on mindfulness, meditation, finding your peace but when it came to real life, it was often hard to put it into practice. I could find my zen while I was petting the cat, or reading, or doing yoga. It was a little harder when I felt tired and frustrated and everything seemed to go wrong.<br />
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The snow that had eluded us over Christmas break was HERE, with a vengeance. During her first two years of school I think Michelle had ONE snow day total. Now, this year, we had SEVEN snow days. One right after another. Sometimes two in a row. It was crazy. Michelle loved the snow so she didn't mind. I was relieved at least not to have to rush her to school in the morning. The school would leave a message in the morning if school was cancelled due to inclement weather (because when buses were cancelled, they just closed the school.) The calls always came in around 6-6:30 am. So when I heard the phone ring, I knew. I'd crawl back into bed, turn off the alarm and hope that Michelle slept in. Sometimes she actually did and it was beautiful. She'd look at the clock and ask "Wait? Is today a school day?" and I'd tell her that no it was a snow day. The problem with snow days is that she wants to play in the snow and it's not my favourite. I also hate shoveling.<br />
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Despite my hatred of winter, snow and all things icy, I do try to be a good sport for Michelle's sake. I told her we could build a snowman together later, after I'd shoveled the driveway, chiseled out the car etc.<br />
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I even made snowman pancakes for breakfast. She loved them. I wanted to make our "Snow Day" special. It was nice having a day during the week to be together when she would normally be at school.<br />
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I was glad that the snow days weren't on days when I had my therapy appointments. I didn't want to have to drag Michelle with me. I was grateful for therapy. It helped to have someone objective to help me process what I was going through. I told her about fixing my own toilets and how empowering that was. It was a positive change. Everyone agreed I was on the right track. I was taking control of my life, dealing with issues instead of avoiding them. <br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d3j1oaeZwpk/XJoppJBwuwI/AAAAAAAAVno/y4gynNWl0IwgYVLeWYhNOHK77rXY32wogCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2242.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1295" data-original-width="1600" height="258" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d3j1oaeZwpk/XJoppJBwuwI/AAAAAAAAVno/y4gynNWl0IwgYVLeWYhNOHK77rXY32wogCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2242.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
It wasn't just snowing. It was freezing rain which wasn't exactly pleasant to be in but it did make for good packing snow and we were able to build a Snow Mama, Snow Michelle and Snow Ali.<br />
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I finally had proper snow pants because I found a pair on sale at Canadian Tire (yes I have officially turned into my mother!) I used to just make do with splash pants over track pants but the snow went right through and my legs would be wet and freezing.<br />
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Despite the freezing rain it was sort of fun I guess. I mostly just couldn't wait to get back inside and warm up/dry off/have a hot chocolate but it was nice to see Michelle having fun and I'm always happy for a photo op (though I was worried about my camera getting wet!)<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wj5-oApCsIk/XJoppd0FfDI/AAAAAAAAVnw/cluSVZeli8wCzHiRzYA6oc2HRAzqHSXpwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2249.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1218" data-original-width="1600" height="151" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wj5-oApCsIk/XJoppd0FfDI/AAAAAAAAVnw/cluSVZeli8wCzHiRzYA6oc2HRAzqHSXpwCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_2249.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vkZsqVtcWjU/XJoppcZPznI/AAAAAAAAVns/dzZavrVR0ukogfbzlzUzqoXpfJqMBOM8QCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2253.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1309" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vkZsqVtcWjU/XJoppcZPznI/AAAAAAAAVns/dzZavrVR0ukogfbzlzUzqoXpfJqMBOM8QCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_2253.JPG" width="163" /></a><br />
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Then one day Michelle wanted to have<br />
a "Fashion Show" and dress up in pretty dresses while I narrated her various fashions and took photos. It's hard to say which one of us loves this more: Michelle the girly girl LOVES dresses up and posing and I ADORE taking photographs. So it's win-win. She's growing so fast that some of her old dresses are way too small. She's already wearing girls' size 10! She was a 7 like yesterday. Now that I'm a recovering shopaholic I see how reckless it was to buy so many clothes for her when she outgrows them so fast. Some of them really are adorable though. I was so happy to have a girl. How could I resist buying her pretty dresses?! Now I'm sad that some of the best places to buy girls' dresses (like Sears) have gone out of business. The retail apocalypse keeps claiming more stores. Now Payless Shoes, my favourite shoe store is closing. At least I did my part to save the economy!<br />
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Michelle was extremely nervous about her first ballet recital coming up. She'd had piano recitals but this was different. She'd have to dance up on a stage in a real theatre (a big beautiful theatre! It was intimidating!)<br />
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I was excited for her (and a bit nervous). I knew she would do well. I made ballerina pancakes to celebrate the day and she loved them. I was worried they were a little misshapen and she might not even realize what they were supposed to be but she knew instantly.<br />
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"BALLERINAS!" she exclaimed, excited, before devouring them.<br />
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I could certainly understand stage fright. I'd been there myself many times -- from high school plays and talent shows to singing on stages before hundreds of strangers as an adult (singing at the River Run Centre and the Bluebird Cafe were a couple of the scariest and most rewarding experiences as a songwriter.) There were times I was so nervous I thought I'd throw up. But something happens to you when you get out there on stage. It's like you're home. Fear turns into excitement. I told her it's natural to feel the fear, but the desire outweighs the fear. To do what you love and share it with the world is the greatest joy. I told her that she would love it. That it would be fun and exciting and over in a few seconds so just enjoy it while it lasts. Plus I reminded her she wouldn't be alone on stage. She'd have the rest of her class there with her. And when it was over she could relax and watch the rest of the dancers do their routines.<br />
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While we were waiting for her turn to go up on stage Michelle was happy to see one of her friends and they got to sit and talk and laugh together to get over their nerves.<br />
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It was a long show with a lot of acts showcasing all kinds of dancers and Michelle would only be on stage for a couple of minutes with her ballet class. I enjoyed watching the whole show though. It wasn't often that I got to see live performances in a theatre. It was a treat to get to watch ballet, jazz, hip hop, contemporary, such a variety of creative performances. It was beautiful. There were so many talented girls. I couldn't wait to see my little star up there. When it was time to bring her backstage I was a bit of a nervous wreck. I hurried back to my seat, anxious to see her. I was a little sad that my family couldn't be there. I didn't even invite them because I knew it was too far to go and too difficult. Maybe one day if Michelle has a dance solo I'll try to get everyone to come.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/53tkxDkXj4o/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/53tkxDkXj4o?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: right; float: right;" width="320"></iframe>I took a video of Michelle's dance and posted it so that my family could see her. She's dancing to an instrumental of "Sky full of stars." I started to tear up watching my little girl dance on stage. She's still so young and yet my baby is such a big girl already.</div>
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The girls were told to wear black, silver and white. Michelle had her black bodysuit and skirt. I wanted her to wear stockings. We found these black ones with stars on them that I didn't even know she had and they were perfect. Legs full of stars! The video isn't that good (the lights are so bright on her face that sometimes you can't even SEE her face) but it was still nice to have captured the moment and be able to show the family. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HZnk7EGtxqE/XJotY0x6obI/AAAAAAAAVpc/qkWYTfe5eRwoXt8KANSUWRuTfNqcRjgawCLcBGAs/s1600/at%2Bparty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1295" data-original-width="890" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HZnk7EGtxqE/XJotY0x6obI/AAAAAAAAVpc/qkWYTfe5eRwoXt8KANSUWRuTfNqcRjgawCLcBGAs/s320/at%2Bparty.jpg" width="219" /></a>Another day, another party. Michelle was living the fabulous life: ballet recitals, parties, fashion shows. Mama's life was decidedly less glamorous -- dealing with stress and disappointment, breaking toilets and fixing them.<br />
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I enjoyed seeing Michelle happy because then it felt like at least I got something right. And in a way I could live vicariously through her. I was glad that she got to have all of these experiences I never had as a kid. My Mom is always saying how much Michelle is like me but she is a VAST improvement! It's like she's living my better life. The one I didn't get to live. She is a living, breathing embodiment of my precious inner child and I can encourage, nurture, support and love her to live up to her full potential. In a weird way it is healing for my own inner child. We can never go back in the past and changed what happened to us but we can give a better life to our children. We can give them the happy endings we had longed for.</div>
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Michelle is fearless!<br />
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She had a ball at the gymnastics party. She would LOVE to take gymnastics of course but it's way too expensive. I reminded her how lucky she is to have her piano and ballet lessons (which were my dream as a child and I never got to take them.) At least she got to experience gymnastics a little bit at a couple of these parties. She got to walk on a beam, hang on a bar etc. And of course jumping in the foam blocks is always a crowd pleaser.<br />
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I'm sooooo glad that Michelle isn't into sports because they are EXTREMELY expensive not to mention dangerous and I have absolutely NO interest in them so it would be even more excruciating to spend that money and then have to be a part of that community. I would support Michelle in whatever she wanted to do but I breathe a HUGE sigh of relief that she's not into sports (yet and hopefully not EVER!)<br />
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ANOTHER snow day! Michelle was actually a little bummed out that she wasn't able to toboggan down the hill that I'd painstakingly built for her (it would have been easier to shovel the driveway and scoop the snow off to the side instead of gathering it all to make a mountain that was just a disappointment anyway.)<br />
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Some days it felt like I couldn't do anything right. Some days I can just throw myself a big old pity party. I tell myself that all the things I do for Michelle are taken for granted (but really she is a very affectionate, loving and grateful girl most of the time.) Everything I try to do goes wrong. Everyone I encounter is frustrating. For a while I had been feeling empowered -- fixing things around the house gave me a sense of accomplishment, like I could take control and get things done. Now it seemed that every time I tried to feel more positive the rug was pulled out from under me, time and again. It was so discouraging.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0yx4A2DmnHI/XJo_9B5LlAI/AAAAAAAAVrc/J6Ua68zLFYMLLI1CpRC4tqxH0MmS-ZyMwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0249.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="365" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0yx4A2DmnHI/XJo_9B5LlAI/AAAAAAAAVrc/J6Ua68zLFYMLLI1CpRC4tqxH0MmS-ZyMwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0249.JPG" width="260" /></a>And then, the dreaded February. The shortest and cruelest month of all. February has always been tough for me. I call if FebRUEary because it's just SAD. For me, February has a history of betrayal, heartbreak and disappointment, so why should this one be any different? It started out darkly, as expected though there were some very unpleasant surprises in store. Michelle got sick. As every parent knows there's nothing worse than when your kid is sick. It's just AWFUL. She coughed all night and I couldn't sleep. Sleep deprivation is like depression. You feel heavy, like you're dragged down by a magnified sense of gravity and everything that goes wrong feels 100 times worse. As with January, it felt like everything was a fail. I had been so disciplined tackling my shopaholic addiction, yet it felt like I was being punished when new financial setbacks surfaced. (A more positive way to look at it would have been "Well thank God I'm not spending money anymore because there isn't any coming in!" All I could think was it's not fair when I try to do the right thing and it's all for naught.) I was starting to feel empowered until I was confronted by things I couldn't fix. My freezer started leaking every day instead of every other day. My printer wasn't working. I had computer and cable issues. It's hard when it feels like nothing works and you feel broken yourself. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rgcOoVlrUN0/XJurH7DlK4I/AAAAAAAAV2E/EBS5_FrzOXEMZBDJNTBep2O_ojbxqt93gCLcBGAs/s1600/wind%2Bout%2Bof%2Bsails.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rgcOoVlrUN0/XJurH7DlK4I/AAAAAAAAV2E/EBS5_FrzOXEMZBDJNTBep2O_ojbxqt93gCLcBGAs/s400/wind%2Bout%2Bof%2Bsails.jpg" width="400" /></a>The sad part was that I was just starting to feel like I was making some progress, making "functional gains" as one of my therapists put it. But just as I start to say "I got this!" there's some unforeseen slap in the face to remind me "Nope. You SO don't got this." Doubt sets in. It's crushing. Maybe I'm not doing so well. Maybe I'm still a mess. Maybe I can't handle anything. The wind was knocked out of my sails and I wondered if I was doing better at all. Some days were just so discouraging. It dragged the hope out of me. Everything seemed to go wrong. It wore me down. One day with one of my therapists I just cried and cried. I told her that when things are going well and I'm feeling good, it feels so tenuous. I kind of don't trust it. I expect it to end. But when things go badly and I feel terrible, it's so real. It feels permanent. Like I'm always going to feel that way. And the losses feel like they undo the wins. It's like any progress I thought I'd made is obliterated. "That's a really interesting insight to have. But just remember, the losses don't undo the wins. Be proud of how far you've come, the work you're doing. A bad day or experience doesn't diminish that." Of course as my other therapist had explained to me long ago, it's not just me. It's human nature. The negative sticks. We naturally pay more attention to it. You could get 10 compliments and 1 insult and guess what you're going to dwell on? I was trying to learn to undo these unhelpful thinking styles but sometimes it's hard because the negative seems true. Perception is reality. Hard to shake that. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FD-ZgTAO9nc/XJvFKW41KRI/AAAAAAAAV20/xX1xgITnTwg5Mwtl1OwNuzewhktEEgZQQCLcBGAs/s1600/not%2Bparanoid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="376" data-original-width="460" height="260" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FD-ZgTAO9nc/XJvFKW41KRI/AAAAAAAAV20/xX1xgITnTwg5Mwtl1OwNuzewhktEEgZQQCLcBGAs/s320/not%2Bparanoid.jpg" width="320" /></a>Some days it seemed like everyone was against me. One day I felt like literally everyone was just trying to be as rude and mean as they could be to me. Every driver cut me off. No one would let me in. Everyone was abrupt with me. Everyone scowled. Everything annoyed me. Sometimes it feels like I'm just in this negative vibration and attracting the negative. The problem is the more I notice it, the stronger the negative gets so it becomes this vicious cycle of awfulness. After a long day dealing with unpleasant people I even had a woman randomly pick a fight with me at a pizza place. Bitches be hangry, I guess. I was tired of it.<br />
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I found a doormat online that says "Hell is other people." I was almost tempted to get it! I honestly just don't understand people. I mean I always had bad luck with men but I have even worse luck with women. So many times in the past when I thought someone had my back they stabbed me in it instead. Now it happened again.<br />
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Friendship turned out to be yet another failed experiment. There was an acquaintance who wanted to hang out with me, started texting regularly etc. (I'm always baffled when someone wants to spend time with me but it was kind of nice. She told me I was funny.) I almost thought of her as a friend for like 2 minutes... And then she turned on me. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. It was hurtful. And then I wished I hadn't even bothered. I was better off alone.<br />
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It's like I opened a can of worms or Pandora's box. I wish I didn't let things get to me. I'm sensitive and take things to heart. I shouldn't let people steal my peace but I often do. I don't get close to many people. Michelle is my world, May is my best friend and I talk to my Mom every day. Aside from that I don't interact with a lot of people. When you let someone in, when they get to know you you run the risk that they will reject or ridicule you. They may judge rather than accept you. It's hard when you're already critical of yourself, when you're already going through therapy and trying to heal, to have someone else tear you down.<br />
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As a Single Mom I often feel like no one can relate to me. I don't fit in with the Real Housewives of Suburbia. Though we were very different it seemed my new "friend" and I had some things in common at least. It wasn't long before I learned the hard way that we had some drastic differences and opposing views. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. It is futile to argue. You'll never convert an atheist or awaken a Trump supporter. Some things can't be fixed or controlled and you just have to let go. I'm not a fan of confrontation. I'd prefer to avoid it when possible. In parenting, as in most things there are strong opinions and various camps that will NEVER see eye to eye. But it isn't fair to "Mom shame" someone that you don't agree with, to force your opinions down their throats, to make them wrong for doing things their own way. I've seen it so many times: Attachment parents vs Detachment/dictator parents (you can tell which side I'm on! LOL). Career moms vs stay at home moms. I've listened to Moms bully and berate other Moms and talk behind their backs. "She can't even CONTROL her kids! She lets them do ANYTHING!" Women can be so judgmental and cruel with each other. Let me just say "STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE MOMS! I don't give a damn how you raise your kids. Don't tell me how to raise mine. I happen to think I've got an awesome kid and I'm doing a pretty good job without your unsolicited advice."<br />
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It's tough. The thing is most of us carry so much Mom guilt as it is, the last thing we need is someone trying to insinuate we're doing something wrong as a mother. It's like you can do no right. No matter what you do someone will find fault with it. And this is a sensitive subject for me. I can fail at everything else but being a Mom is the most important thing to me. NOTHING matters more to me than Michelle so I don't take kindly to criticism of my parenting skills. Don't get me wrong. I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect. I'm human and I make mistakes. If I inadvertently wrong someone I am more than willing to apologize and make amends. But if someone just wants to attack me and tear me down, that's not OK. I will not apologize or ask permission to be who I am, to do what I love. I will not compromise my values or beliefs to suit someone else. I know I'm a little different and not everyone's cup of tea but if you don't like me, just let me be. Dear Haters: (I'll speak up for those in the back) IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, SAY NOTHING. IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME THEN JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I look forward to NEVER hearing from you again. It should be sort of obvious but you are not required to be in my life. If you don't like me, then let me be.<br />
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It's happened to me time and again -- girls who seem to want to befriend me but then turn on me. It baffles me. I will NEVER understand the whole frenemy thing. Someone gets close to you and earns your trust just to turn around and sabotage you in some way. I know there's a saying "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Frankly I don't want to be anywhere near my enemies. I am admittedly not a very good Christian. I find it hard to forgive. I've never been good at "turning the other cheek." Once someone hurts me I will NOT give them the opportunity to strike me again. I loved the movie Mean Girls but I don't want to live in it. I don't need frenemies in my life -- deceptive, two-faced, passive-aggressive, pot-stirring, underhanded snakes who will smile to your face then stab you in the back. No thank you.<br />
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My new frenemy deeply offended me on many levels. The worst part was she knew that I'd had a breakdown and was in therapy and she mocked me for it. Until and unless you have been diagnosed with a mental illness and are going through therapy don't presume that someone else's reactions to things should be exactly the same as yours. Some people feel more deeply. Some people struggle more. You can't tell a depressed person to just "get over it," or someone gripped by anxiety that they're "blowing things out of proportion" when you HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH AND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THEM. If you thoughtlessly lash out at someone who is fragile, it may not seem like much to you but it may shatter them. Especially at a point when they are already broken and trying to heal. My frenemy was dismissive, insulting, condescending (at one point she even said "Well I'm no <i>therapist</i> but..." That's right. You're not a therapist so don't talk about things you don't understand. Don't invalidate my feelings. Don't diminish and discount my experience. And don't presume to tell me how to live my life. I'm not you and I never will be.) I'm not sure if she was just clueless or deliberately cruel, it didn't matter. The damage was done. I just wanted her to go away. She finally backed off. I told her that I needed my peace and arguing with her (she was sending me 20 hostile texts a day at one point) was the opposite of peace.<br />
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I was never a fan of criticism. Of course there is "constructive criticism" which is meant to gently encourage improvement rather than just harshly discourage someone. Unfortunately, to me most criticism is DESTRUCTIVE. It drags you down and when your self-esteem isn't terribly strong to start with, it can be crushing. My own inner critic is pretty scathing and I've been trying to work on being more kind to myself. When random haters attack me on Twitter I just block them. I don't have time for that. Of course my mother has never had a filter and she insults me just about every time I talk to her but she's my MOM and I love her unconditionally so I put up with it (though sometimes I do hang up on her after a real zinger! She's a Scorpio. They can sting.) When it comes to family, there is nothing they could do or say that could make me stop loving them. When it comes to anyone else however, especially a stranger or an acquaintance who was barely even a friend, if you are toxic and are just going to hurt me, I don't want or need that in my life. No fucking thank you. I would rather be alone than around someone who doesn't care about my well-being. So just go away. You can hate me from a distance. Or maybe get a life of your own so you don't have to waste time hating me.<br />
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I don't generally feel the need to surround myself with people anyway. As an introvert I need time alone. Extroverts derive their energy from others and love being surrounded by people. Introverts derive their energy within, often from creative pursuits. Being surrounded by others can actually drain their energy. The good thing to come out of the whole ridiculous experience was that I realized the one person I can count on to always have my back is ME. It's liberating to be self-sufficient and independent because no one can take that from you. No one can let you down. It's much better that way.<br />
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I was kind of relieved that Michelle was the opposite of me -- an extrovert who made friends easily and got along with everyone. But even Michelle had her disappointments. There was one friend who used to be really close who seemed to be growing distant and kept letting her down. I hate to see Michelle hurt or disappointed but I know that it's part of growing up and helps to build resilience. I told her to just give the friend their space. People change and grow apart. It's a fact of life. Sometimes you have to let go. Luckily she was able to take it in stride. She had so many other friends she didn't have to worry about losing one. Later she told me that she and her friend were playing together at school again. So it was OK. Michelle was much more forgiving than Mama. She would give people second, third, fourth and fifth chances. I was pretty much done after one. But then Michelle loves to be surrounded by people and I'd rather keep to myself so I guess it makes sense. I'm glad that my girl is kind and loving, even to people who aren't nice to her. I really suck at that. I love you, Jesus but "loving my enemies" and "praying for my persecutors" is my Kryptonite. I literally can't even.<br />
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I really wish I didn't let things get to me. I'm passionate and intense. I feel deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It makes me an easy target unfortunately. I was reading about mindfulness and meditation, concepts like "non-attachment" where you just let things be. You accept things and people as they are without labeling them as pleasant or unpleasant. Even if someone insults you you just say "Is that so?" No matter what happens "Is that so?" Like you just don't give a shit. It takes the power away from anyone who tries to hurt you. (I guess it's like Jesus turning the other cheek in a way.)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ltpqhDMwOMk/XJozXtPTxEI/AAAAAAAAVrE/pXr0zqcF0AAU9kRmv3zXMNtei15xqBJCwCLcBGAs/s1600/let%2Bthat%2Bshit%2Bgo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="679" data-original-width="456" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ltpqhDMwOMk/XJozXtPTxEI/AAAAAAAAVrE/pXr0zqcF0AAU9kRmv3zXMNtei15xqBJCwCLcBGAs/s320/let%2Bthat%2Bshit%2Bgo.jpg" width="214" /></a>It would be incredibly liberating and powerful to reach a point where you just don't care what anyone says or does, to remain detached, to have this unshakable sense of inner peace and nothing gets to you. But I am not a wise, all-seeing, patient, self-actualized monk meditating on a mountaintop. I'm a stressed out Single Mom in therapy. I WANT to learn to find inner peace. A peace that no one and nothing can hijack from me. It's just hard as hell! I've been reading and studying so many books on mindfulness, meditation, zen. The thing is you can't learn to swim by reading a book about it. You have to dive in and try and fail and practice until you get it. Reading about mindfulness and meditation would only get me so far. I had to practice. This was an experiment worth doing. I started to meditate and practice mindfulness techniques. It worked for a few minutes at least. I could find my zen, just as I could during yoga, but I couldn't seem to hold onto it. I found this meme "Let that shit go" and loved it. I really wish I could just smile and shrug when faced with adversity but it's tough.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q5JKhLCnvgo/XJpERuWtHYI/AAAAAAAAVuM/W_BJ1r7fYWoOId4yy4CNPHCxUENCdv81QCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2638.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1392" data-original-width="1600" height="278" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q5JKhLCnvgo/XJpERuWtHYI/AAAAAAAAVuM/W_BJ1r7fYWoOId4yy4CNPHCxUENCdv81QCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2638.JPG" width="320" /></a>My therapist pointed out that mindfulness doesn't mean not having any negative emotions. Mindfulness is being present, open, non-judgmental and accepting of whatever feelings come up. And we have a right to be angry sometimes. Or sad or anxious. We can observe these feelings and reactions without beating ourselves up over it. We can learn to be compassionate with ourselves, to practice radical acceptance. We are human. We are not perfect. And some days just suck. And sometimes we are just tired and frustrated and angry and hurt. It's OK. And it's OK to cry. It's not a sign of weakness. It doesn't mean I'm not strong. It means I am able to feel and express my emotions. It is cathartic. I needed to trust myself more. I got this. It's OK.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Yv8pLsuKE9U/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Yv8pLsuKE9U?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>After fixing my toilets I figured anything else would be a cake walk so I decided to tackle another home improvement project -- installing a new shower head. I found one that was regularly $40 for $13 so I went for it. It only took about 5 minutes. It was a treat to look at the instructions -- pretty much just THREE steps as opposed to TEN with the toilets. I made a video of it as well to post on Youtube because I wanted to inspire other women, especially single Moms like me. For so long I never would have attempted doing anything like that myself. I just always told myself I wasn't handy. Life is an experiment and sometimes you try things and they actually work out. That is incredibly empowering.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dse2H11-88M/XJpAnqUdHXI/AAAAAAAAVsE/_7JU3-drfD4f1BlIXWssqnxMcd8_vCmJACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2497.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1265" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dse2H11-88M/XJpAnqUdHXI/AAAAAAAAVsE/_7JU3-drfD4f1BlIXWssqnxMcd8_vCmJACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2497.JPG" width="253" /></a>Though I don't generally get to take photos DURING Michelle's ballet class (which KILLS me, let me tell you! I'd love to be right in there, snapping away rather than outside a door trying to catch a glimpse through the little window) I usually insist on getting some after class. Michelle loves to have the wide open space to practice her grand jétés. A lot of the action shots turn out blurry but I managed to catch a couple of shots where she pretty much NAILED IT! Michelle can do the splits, even flying in mid-air. It's amazing. As a little girl it was my dream to be a ballerina and I never got to take lessons. It melts my heart to see Michelle getting to live out her dreams. To watch her literally take a leap and fly.<br />
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Whenever I am feeling down I remember how lucky I am to have my girl. She is such a miracle. I am grateful for every detour and bump in the road that led me to her. And I am grateful for every winding twist and turn on our journey. Even on my worst day, I am blessed.<br />
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Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. You can't take yourself so seriously. I think as women, and especially as mothers, we can be so hard on ourselves. We stress ourselves out trying to be perfect when no one can be. And even the ones who appear to be perfect and have it all together (those shiny happy Instagram worthy lives) are grappling with their own issues. Everyone has their struggles. Some people are just better at hiding it. So don't stress yourself out, worrying that you're not good enough. Just take each day as it comes and roll with it. And for God's sake find a way to laugh because it is absolutely a survival mechanism.<br />
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Being at my sister May's ALWAYS makes me laugh. It is my happy place. I am so grateful for that. I was always surprised when I'd hear women complain that they hated their sisters. Some were estranged and didn't speak for years. My sister is my best friend. The bottom line is though if someone is hurting you, if you have irreconcilable differences, sometimes it's best to let go. No matter who it is. Sibling rivalry seems to be more common than not. I guess some sisters can be like frenemies, jealous and competitive. I always wish nothing but the best for May and she for me. I can't imagine it any other way. But it seems to be the exception rather than the rule. The great thing about having a sister who's your best friend is that she's been there all along. She knows and understands you better than anyone. She's seen you through everything. There are so many memories, so many inside jokes, so many things you couldn't share with anyone else. Yeah, May is THE BEST.<br />
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So it was another great visit at May's. It was the first time I'd seen May or my Mom since Michelle's ballet recital. May set up the big screen so we could watch the recital video on it. The search had a fancy voice recognition feature but when they tried saying my name -- Ann Marie Pincivero -- the search came up with some hilarious interpretations/suggestions:<br />
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Sometimes for fun I would set up the self-timer with my Canon camera's built in creative multi-shot feature. Once in a while it came up with some cool random effects like this black and white shot with a rainbow vignette filter. I am such a photoholic. Of all the things in my life two that give me the most joy are Michelle and photography. It's largely why I continue to do this blog. This is my celebration of our moments. I am so grateful to have this. I'm tired of people telling me (my mother included!) that I shouldn't reveal so much, that it's too personal, that I post too many photos, blah blah blah. Please let me have this. This makes me happy. If you don't like it you don't have to read it. In this god forsaken world if you find something that makes you happy then do it, enjoy it. And don't let anyone make you wrong for it.<br />
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Michelle wants to save the world. She wanted to join the Earth Rangers. She'd seen the commercials and wanted to be involved. So we got her registered online. She was excited to get her official Earth Rangers card. Earth Rangers gives you missions to try to save the planet in small ways. We turned the thermostat down a few degrees to save energy. We unplugged appliances that weren't in use. We always recycle. I don't use much energy as far as lighting because I rarely put my overhead lights on. In the day the daylight is enough and at night I just use a small light by the bed for reading.<br />
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Michelle loves animals and wanted to do whatever she could to help. She wanted to be an "animal saving hero" like in the commercials. At school she started picking up litter on the school grounds during her lunch breaks. She was always doing her part to help.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Sx39jKoiObI/XJpCNZjJ52I/AAAAAAAAVtU/ohbQvN_y7G4YQqMtX2TDWMN2gRNKQ7ARACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2562.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1517" data-original-width="1600" height="303" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Sx39jKoiObI/XJpCNZjJ52I/AAAAAAAAVtU/ohbQvN_y7G4YQqMtX2TDWMN2gRNKQ7ARACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2562.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
She made this adorable poster to "Save the seals." She raised money for her first fund-raising campaign. Contributed comments to the Earth Rangers blog and enjoyed playing the games.<br />
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Michelle's generation will have to care about the environment and will hopefully work to reduce the damage caused by previous generations. Already the effects of Climate Change have been catastrophic. I worry about the world in Michelle's future. Meanwhile irresponsible and selfish leaders like Trump who care more about profits than people would continue to rape, pillage and pollute the planet without worrying about the consequences. He wanted to bring back COAL for crying out loud. #ImpeachTrump. (I can't believe it hasn't happened yet.)<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uzSMQ4xAWjc/XJpCNjLAAdI/AAAAAAAAVtc/On7z68Ybuw8hHaUolCF3r9ovTYImZSqiACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2565.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1175" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uzSMQ4xAWjc/XJpCNjLAAdI/AAAAAAAAVtc/On7z68Ybuw8hHaUolCF3r9ovTYImZSqiACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2565.JPG" width="234" /></a>We went to see the new Lego Movie: Lego Movie 2: The Second Part in 3D. It was AMAZING. We LOVED it! One of my favourite parts was a song "Everything's not awesome." It's an antidote to the original, much more positive and upbeat "Everything is Awesome!" The song pretty much summed up what I'd been feeling in January and February -- life isn't all unicorns and rainbows. I so WANT it to be but sometimes it just SUCKS. But that doesn't mean you have to lose all hope and see the world as an Apocalyptic Hell. You just deal with things. Try to have more realistic expectations. Realize that shit happens. I loved it so much. It's like they read my mind. Or maybe this is what everyone is feeling. You want to find your happy place. You want things to be good and it's so crushing when they're not. But that's life and you have to go with it. Life is yin and yang. There is positive and negative in everything. You have to accept that.<br />
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It isn't healthy to be a pessimist and always focusing on the dark side of life but neither is it healthy to be overly idealistic, to live in a dream world of illusion. To just paint glitter over everything and pretend it's perfect when it's a complete mess. The key to life is to take the good with the bad. To realize it's never going to be perfect but there is still so much that's good and THAT'S what you need to focus on.<br />
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It's so cute I wanted to share it. So here is the song/video for "Everything's Not Awesome" if you haven't heard it yet:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Awj0989zdzg/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Awj0989zdzg?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: right; float: right;" width="320"></iframe>And here's a video of one of my own songs "Girl you're the rainbow." I wanted to post it in honour of Valentine's Day. My girl is the love of my life and she is the rainbow in my grey skies. I am so grateful for her. I wanted her to be in the video with me. She made a few drawings to go with my lyrics. It was her idea to hide behind me and just show the pictures to go with the song. Then she pops out at the end. My little rainbow unicorn. She is such a sweetheart. I am glad that she is such a loving, affectionate, caring girl. Of all her beautiful qualities, it is her kindness that makes me the most proud. In some ways she has found the sort of wisdom and peace that I aspire to.</div>
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For their 100th day of school the kids had to design their own t-shirt decorated with 100 things. Michelle chose to paint 100 stars on a t-shirt. It was so cute.<br />
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To celebrate the 100th day one of her friends invited her over for a play date. It was nice. Michelle hadn't seen her in a while because they're in different classes and her friend's schedule is so busy. Michelle is fortunate to have so many different friends. Her joy and energy are infectious. It was helpful to me too to have a little extra time to myself to get things done. The hours when she is in school fly by in the blink of an eye. There never seems to be enough time. When Michelle is home she wants my attention, wants me to play with her and I usually feel too guilty to set boundaries and say "Mama is busy." As a single Mom you have to do everything yourself without help. So you can't always just sit and play. I know that sometimes Michelle wishes she had siblings, another parent. She loves to be surrounded by people.<br />
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When I went to pick her up Michelle after her play date she and her friend showed me the acrobatic and musical routine they'd been working on.<br />
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Michelle played the drums while her friend did gymnastics. It was adorable, if a little loud and chaotic!<br />
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Michelle would probably love to have her own drum set. I don't think I could bring myself to do that even if I could afford it. I prefer the piano! Much more soothing! Still it's fun for kids to bang and boom on a drum now and then. Drums are like something that's nice to visit but you wouldn't want to live there. Growing up I'm sure my brothers would have loved a drum set. Chris used to drum on anything he could get his hands on -- the table, counter etc. My brothers were loud enough WITHOUT drums!<br />
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Yet another snow day. It was kind of ridiculous. In two years Michelle had maybe had ONE snow day total. This year there were SEVEN. Climate change was wreaking havoc. Global warming doesn't just mean the planet getting warmer. It means everything is thrown out of whack. Even CALIFORNIA had snow. Seven feet of it in some places. HAWAII had snow! In places it had NEVER snowed in the history of the earth. This is not normal. But it's the new normal. It's kind of scary. I try not to watch the news but my Mom was always telling me about the latest tragedies and natural disasters. Every day there was something else. I had a hard enough time just trying to handle the stress in my own life without worrying about the world in general. I'd been there before. I had to just focus on the good things -- Michelle is my heart and she keeps me going no matter what.<br />
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Michelle and our snow ladies (and snow kitty.) Though I may grumble about it I am always willing to play in the snow with Michelle. I don't remember my Mom EVER playing with us when we were kids. She would say that she didn't need to because we had each other or say that she was too busy with FOUR kids and I only have one. I know not all parents play with their kids. Being an attachment parent I just want to spend as much time with her as I can. I know everyone is different. Some people don't spend much time with their kids at all. I remember hearing a quote like "At the end of your life, no one ever thinks I wish I'd spent more time at the office." Sharing these moments with your kids is more important and more precious than anything.<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cf9kF07hJzI/XJpFGS5FakI/AAAAAAAAVvQ/CnJPYhHCtqgFs1wGbz-R18-Ew9O4KZBlgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2719.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1421" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cf9kF07hJzI/XJpFGS5FakI/AAAAAAAAVvQ/CnJPYhHCtqgFs1wGbz-R18-Ew9O4KZBlgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2719.JPG" width="284" /></a>For Valentine's Day Michelle made me a lovely card saying "You are the best" and she made little stand up cut-outs of our little family -- Michelle, Ali and me.<br />
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Every time Michelle hugs me and says "I love you Mama" or "You're the best Mama in the world" it really is as good as it gets. I've made so many mistakes in my life but I did one thing right. I have the sweetest little girl.<br />
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Valentine's Day used to be a romantic day. Now that part of my life is over. I did have an old boyfriend randomly call up the week of Valentine's Day. I almost thought he was going to suggest getting together for V day. Instead he just told me to call him to go for a coffee "whenever" which will literally never happen. He said I sounded different than the last time he spoke to me. "The panic is gone from your voice." He'd called last year, shortly after my breakdown. I told him that I was trying to take more control of my life, that I was feeling empowered. I told him that I'd fixed my toilets myself and he laughed. I really don't know what his intentions were. He was so unreliable when we were dating and I am definitely not interested in an ambiguous relationship or any drama. I prefer to just keep to myself for the most part. No one can hurt me that way. If he doesn't call me again I will never call him. That's the way I usually am. If they don't make the effort to reach out, we will just never see each other. Aside from my sister and my Mom I don't call anyone. I've lost touch with many friends over the years because they just stopped calling.<br />
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My girls. We usually can't get Ali to pose with us. At least she is looking at the camera in this picture. I used to take photos of us every single day. I am trying to cut down a little but as you can see I still take a TON of photos. It's just what I do. Life is so short and my girl is growing so fast. I will capture every moment I can to try to slow it all down.<br />
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Michelle almost looks like a little Flamenco dancer here in black and red. She wanted to dress up for ballet and our next adventure...<br />
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Out of the blue Michelle told me she wanted to get her ears pierced. I wanted to say no. I tried at least to talk her out of it. I told her that she was too young. I was 12 years old when I got my ears pierced and that seemed like the right age to me.<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PziNjb1z5BY/XJpFlJQvcbI/AAAAAAAAVv0/mKFM2DjeC9Q0ziKIvhpUArQpb7thLPyBwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2799.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PziNjb1z5BY/XJpFlJQvcbI/AAAAAAAAVv0/mKFM2DjeC9Q0ziKIvhpUArQpb7thLPyBwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2799.JPG" width="320" /></a>"But Mama other girls younger than me have their ears pierced! Some are only FOUR years old! I've even seen BABIES with their ears pierced!" "That doesn't make it right!" I said. To me, it doesn't seem appropriate to pierce a baby's ears because the baby doesn't get a say in it. What if she didn't WANT her ears pierced? Also, you're inflicting pain unnecessarily. Just for vanity's sake. It's bad enough boys get circumcised (which is sort of horrifying to me and I don't know HOW on Earth I would have dealt with THAT so thank God I had a girl!) but at least there are religious and health/hygienic reasons for it. A girl does not have to have her ears pierced. To me, she should be old enough to decide for herself. Still, I would never go "Mom shaming" and tell a woman that she's irresponsible for piercing her baby's ears. You have to do what YOU feel is right. YOU are the parent and you make choices as you see fit. I can understand the reasoning behind it -- it does look very cute and maybe the parents think it's easier when you're a baby because you'll forget the experience whereas when you're older you can psych yourself out? I fainted when I got my ears pierced. Every parent is different. Just as every child is different. It's not fair to compare.<br />
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Though I was hesitant, Michelle insisted she was ready. I called my Mom, May and Shannon for their advice. Of course my Mom was against it. She tried to scare Michelle with horror stories of how she got her ears pierced by an old doctor who did a lousy job and she got a bad infection. May and Shannon both said that it was ultimately up to Michelle if she wanted to do it or not. I made Michelle write out a list of pros and cons (complete with diagrams -- one of a big swollen infected ear as a possible con!) to weigh the rewards against the risks. In the end, Michelle decided she still wanted to go through with it. So we planned to go to the mall and get her ears pierced at Claire's. She was a little nervous but mostly excited. I was just a basket case worrying about the whole thing.<br />
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I decided to take a video of the whole experience. I still can't believe how brave Michelle was. She didn't even cry! Things have come a long way since I got my ears done. Now you can have TWO girls doing it at once so you get both ears done all in one shot. It's much faster and easier that way because after getting one ear done you psych yourself out about the second one. I couldn't even hear it but Michelle said she let out a tiny little squeal when the earrings went in. When we turned the volume up full blast we could just barely hear it. </div>
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I was so proud of Michelle. She was a tough little lady. She knew what she wanted and was willing to go for it, even knowing the risks. I had to respect that. She was so brave and was thrilled with her earrings afterward. She looked so grown up. Beforehand I told her it would be HER responsibility to clean her ears but the reality was I am way to much of a control freak to take a chance on her getting an infection. The woman at Claire's was REALLY nice. She assured me that she'd been doing this for over a decade and was an expert which made me feel better. She gave me detailed instructions for after care. We had to clean her ears three time a day with the special solution and turn the studs around so the hole wouldn't close up or get infected. </div>
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After it went so well I was glad that I let her go through with it. I want Michelle to be happy and to the degree that I can I would like to give her everything she wants.</div>
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I was inspired by my brave girl and re-pierced my own ear. I hadn't worn earrings in years because one of my holes had closed up. I almost thought of having Claire's pierce my ear too but I didn't want to spend the money so I just gritted my teeth and did it myself at home. It hurt like HELL and it bled quite a bit but I did it. I figured if my six year old was brave enough to go through it then I could too. And now we could go shopping for cute earrings together! I had missed wearing earrings. </div>
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Michelle was so thrilled with her little diamond earrings. She was definitely happy with her decision. After so much agonizing and worrying over it I was relieved that it had gone so well. Now we could relax.<br />
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The next day we decided to pay a visit to one of our favourite places -- The Butterfly Conservatory. It is such a treat, especially in the middle of winter, to step into a tropical jungle and be surrounded by gorgeous butterflies, lush plants and flowers for a couple of hours. Michelle wore one of her butterfly dresses. I wore a bat wing kimono that was almost like a pair of butterfly wings. Being surrounded by beauty is good for the soul. And it is HEAVEN for a photoholic like me. I take hundreds of photos whenever we go.<br />
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Michelle was happy every time a butterfly would light on her hand or randomly land on her dress. Sometimes she had several of them on her at once. Strangers made such a fuss of her. "Wow! Look at that! They really like you! I love your dress!" Some of them even asked if they could take her picture. I guess some people would get creeped out if a random stranger wanted to take pictures of their kid but I don't see the harm. Michelle was happy to pose for her fans. It's not every day you get to see real butterflies on a butterfly dress. Michelle loved the attention too. I post a gazillion photos of her online anyway so what's one more? (Even though naysayers like my Mom keep warning "You shouldn't post pictures online!") Unless you're part of a tribe that actually thinks photographs steal your soul, shut up and stop poo pooing one of my favourite things. She is my girl and she's growing up too fast and I'll take a million pictures and post them online if I want to! So there!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fXirpKalb-4/XJpHIV8vFZI/AAAAAAAAVx0/JR_-neRH7145uA-SpfyPraX_aaNU9p5kACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3066.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1004" data-original-width="1600" height="125" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fXirpKalb-4/XJpHIV8vFZI/AAAAAAAAVx0/JR_-neRH7145uA-SpfyPraX_aaNU9p5kACLcBGAs/s200/IMG_3066.JPG" width="200" /></a>From a tropical jungle to the snowy arctic. It is kind of surreal when you leave the Butterfly Conservatory and step back outside into winter. We had yet another snow day and made the best of it. Michelle loved me pulling her around on her sled even though it was killing my arms and back. "One more time Mama!" she laugh. "Easy for you to say! I'm dying here!" but like a sucker I would huff and puff and pull her around the yard for one more ride. Or two. Until I couldn't breathe. I had a flashback to the year I had pneumonia and was still stupid enough to play with Michelle in the snow. The things I do for my girl!<br />
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Photos are memories. Simple. It's like doing a painting of every happy moment of your life. Like the impressionists who painstakingly captured the light onto their canvases dot by dot, you hold on to life every way you can because it is precious. And photos are an instant way to hold on to that beauty, those perfect moments. There is so much of life that is mundane, dark, disappointing, broken, hurtful. I don't want to remember those times. I want to hold on to the good stuff. Being a photoholic is my way of paying tribute to that. I will never apologize for that. I will never stop doing that. Some people never take pictures. Some people don't hold on to things. Some people just aren't sentimental. You have to be true to yourself. Be who you are. Even if people don't understand it. Even if they think you're weird or try to make you wrong for it. You do you.<br />
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My happy girl! I love this shot.<br />
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I remember there was a day at the beach she had almost this same exact pose, this same silly open mouthed smile. Pure bliss. Michelle loves it all. Winter or Summer. Sunshine or rain. The beautiful and the broken. She takes it all in and sees the good in it. She has fun no matter what. She is my hero. You can not bring her down. I wish that I was more like her. I sometimes focus too much on the negative. I complain. I worry. I don't like Winter or grey skies. I let things drag me down. I love Michelle's irrepressible spirit. I love her boundless energy (even though sometimes it completely exhausts me trying to keep up with her! I'm getting old after all!) This picture sums Michelle up -- a heart full of joy and arms wide open to embrace life, all of it, with a generous heart.<br />
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Michelle wanted to put little "windows" in her "Snow Castle."<br />
"Ummm.... honey...Now it looks like you're being EATEN BY A SNOW SHARK!" It's all in your perspective. Whether it was a castle or a shark it was cute nonetheless. I love Michelle's playfulness and imagination. We lose a lot of that as we grow older. We become so serious. We say that we don't have time to play. We focus on the business of life, the things we have to do and get through and sometimes miss the beautiful things along the way. You have to stop and smell the roses. You have to stop and build a snowman once in a while. Even if it's not your favourite. Because you can still have these moments of magic. It is still a beautiful world after all. If you know how to look at it.<br />
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One day I saw a cat out in a blizzard, walking along the fence. Poor kitty. But maybe she didn't mind it. She probably wanted to go outside. Maybe I shouldn't hate Winter. Maybe I should be grateful to be in a country with four seasons (though sometimes it feels like we're down to TWO -- harsh cold Winters and too hot Summers without much of a break from Spring and Fall.) Maybe I need to be grateful for each day and learn to accept it as it is. I can't change things like the weather and other people. Wishing they were different just makes me feel frustrated. Accepting things as they are is the key to mindfulness, acceptance and peace.<br />
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Music is therapeutic for me. For a long time I wasn't writing or playing music. One day I was thinking about my life -- how I had these moments, amidst all the disappointments and heartache and self-loathing, I had these moments where I followed my heart, was true to myself, lived with passion. I caught these glimpses of my inner child, my true bliss, the real me. I was grateful for them. We can lose our authentic self, our inner child. We can get so lost and so angry and wrapped up in ego that we forget to just be. To see the magic of life, to feel like a kid again. To be open to the beauty of the world. Here is the video for "Glimpses" --<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_D-8VEuhL-c/XJpLh61QBVI/AAAAAAAAVzg/nnSAOA-Ld2UIdfddEJW0rNy3IT2Xh7PtwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3100.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_D-8VEuhL-c/XJpLh61QBVI/AAAAAAAAVzg/nnSAOA-Ld2UIdfddEJW0rNy3IT2Xh7PtwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3100.JPG" width="320" /></a>And one day I just needed flowers. I went into a garden centre to be surrounded by them. Flowers seem holy to me. They are like a connection to the divine. A glimpse of Heaven on Earth. I guess that's why I love the Spring after Winter. When you see that burst of colour and life after so much dark and grey. Flowers are so graceful and delicate, other-worldly almost. They are perfect zen. They don't worry about anything. They don't have to. They are perfect as they are. I remember the quote "Consider the lilies of the field. They neither toil nor spin. Yet I tell you that even Solomon was not arrayed like these." Flowers are a reminder to us to take a moment to be still and just BE. We are human BEINGS after all. Not human DOINGS. Why do we feel we always have to be doing something? We need to take a break now and then.</div>
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Michelle believes in Fairy Magic. And why not? She had another visit from the Tooth Fairy when she lost a second tooth. She received another gold bag with a shiny toony and gold fairy dust. Michelle drew a picture of the tooth fairy and once again wrote her a letter asking to please let Michelle keep her tooth.</div>
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Seeing Michelle's face light up with wonder is the greatest moment of my life. Beyond any trip I've taken, any accomplishment or accolade I've received. Seeing her happy is my life's greatest joy. Sometimes my heart feels like it might explode I love her so much. I wouldn't trade that for anything.</div>
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I love my girls. Ali really wasn't feeling it with this family portrait. She was trying to make an exit but Michelle held on. I love Michelle's gap-toothed smile here. I love these photographic moments. You never know what you're going to get when you set the self-timer. Sometimes it's a total fail. Sometimes you get lucky. You press the button and hope for the best. And sometimes even the bad shots are good because they make you laugh and a good laugh is always worth it.<br />
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We decided to go to a local home show/fair because it was something to do and it was free. There was going to be a Bird of Prey show, much like the one we'd seen with my Mom and Dad on grandparents day. Being so close to those magnificent birds was awesome and a total photo op so I was psyched. We got a seat early so we had some time to kill. Michelle made friends (as she does everywhere we go!) with a group of girls and was chasing them around before the show. I am in awe of how friendly she is. She will literally talk to anyone. Pretty much the opposite of me. I rarely speak to a stranger unless spoken to. Michelle is a social butterfly. I have social anxiety. We're a bit of an odd couple! I am glad Michelle is not like me though. It's a lot easier for her. I've always struggled, as a child and as an adult, with feeling like an outsider while needing time alone.<br />
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After the show, the guy was standing with a big golden eagle on his arm and I couldn't resist the photo op. How often would I get to be that close to a bird of prey? (And live to tell the tale!) I set the timer to creative multi-shot and was thrilled with the results. The eagle, God love him, actually opened up his magnificent wings just in time! Awesome! I couldn't ask for better than that. Perfect! I'm grateful for moments like this.<br />
January and February had more than their share of bad days, but they also had these surprisingly wonderful moments. Life is an experiment and sometimes the results are disappointing and sometimes they're better than you ever imagined. I guess it would be boring if we always knew exactly how things were going to turn out...Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-26271343122121008372019-02-21T17:36:00.000-05:002019-02-25T23:47:08.975-05:00simplify...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been trying to simplify my life lately and it only makes sense to simplify/scale down my blog as well, for a number of reasons... Recently someone asked me not to include photos of their child in my blog. It was the first such request but it made me more cognizant of the fact that some parents, unlike me, do not share photos of their children online EVER, like AT ALL. I have to respect their wishes. Everyone is different. So now, to be safe, I'm trying to avoid showing other kids in the pictures as much as possible and just stick to our own family, just in case. Also, from a logistical standpoint, the posts were taking too long to put together and were always behind schedule. I was including WAY too many photos period. It was too taxing to keep it up. It's counter-intuitive to stress myself out with a hobby that is supposed to be enjoyable and therapeutic! I don't want to stop writing the blog altogether because it is meaningful to me but I do have to change it to make it more manageable. So this post, and hopefully future posts, will be MUCH shorter, with FAR fewer photos. Short and simple. Well not exactly SHORT, but SHORTER anyway. I'm including just a few of my faves, instead of uploading a motherlode from every single occasion/outing. I've actually cut down considerably on the number of photos I take as well. I'm trying to be more discriminating. I guess you could say I'm a recovering photoholic. Well, maybe not "recovering." Maybe just trying to get a handle on my addiction to some degree. When I love something I tend to go a LITTLE overboard with it. Junk food. Shopping... (Hey, as addictions go, I could do a lot worse!) I've been trying to break a few old habits. De-cluttering my home, my life and my mind. Mind you, there is still a LOT of clutter.<br />
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November and December are usually chaotic. This year I tried to find my zen for a bit here and there at least.<br />
I managed to carve out some time for reading and yoga. I wanted to learn more about mindfulness and meditation. It is definitely an uphill battle for a chronic over-thinker like me to just be in the moment but I'm working on it. Practice makes perfect. Or maybe not perfect but at least a little better. I imagine perfect would be a Buddhist monk meditating on a mountaintop. I don't think I'll ever quite be THERE.<br />
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I began at least trying to practice mindfulness in small ways. Paying attention while I was eating, folding laundry, taking a shower. Trying to focus on my senses, to observe everything, to be here and now instead of somewhere else, haunted by thoughts of past and future, worries, to do lists. Always thinking. Always distracted. Anywhere but here. There are times when I find it easy to be in the moment -- when it's a moment I want to be in. Spending time with Michelle, doing yoga, relaxing on the couch with the cat purring on my lap. The rest of the time, especially when things go wrong, I stress. My mind spins. Worry is my default setting and even with months of therapy it is hard to undo my negative thought patterns. But at least I'm TRYING.<br />
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I wish I had Michelle's happy ever-sunny view of life. On the darkest day she still doesn't lose her smile. She even likes the rain. Don't get me wrong, I do prefer it to snow but it's still not exactly uplifting. Personally I find the bleak grey days without sunshine draining. It drags me down. My energy lags and everything seems harder to get through. And God forbid if anything goes wrong (which of course things do. All the time.)<br />
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Halloween was over. Christmas was on the way. There was so much to do. I had at least gotten a lot done. I was much more organized this year and already had the lion's share of my Christmas shopping done. I had ideas of what to get for people (usually I'm at a loss) and picked things up as I found them. It felt good to get things done early rather than to be scrambling at the last minute. Of course it's easier when you actually have time.</div>
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Michelle and I were really looking forward to seeing "The Nutcracker and the Four Realms." The previews made it look spectacular. It far exceeded our expectations (which were already very high!) It was so breathtakingly beautiful! An absolute visual feast. Michelle said it was the best movie she'd ever seen. The combination of ballet with an epic story and such extraordinary colourful scenes and cinematography made it a completely magical experience. For those two hours in the theatre I didn't worry about anything in my real life. I was completely absorbed into the world on screen and nothing else existed. I guess that's not mindfulness, more like escapism. Escape is nice once in a while. I was trying to use visualization as well sometimes when I wanted to go somewhere beautiful, as opposed to somewhere dark, grey and stressful. I could close my eyes and be transported to another world. If I was still breathing and meditating on it then I was in the Now.<br />
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There was a lovely Remembrance Day service at Michelle's school. I was glad that I was able to attend. Her class even sang a little song. I remembered reciting "In Flander's Fields" back in school. I was disappointed that I didn't get to sit with Michelle during the assembly. The kids had to stay seated in a line with their class until they went up on stage for their performance but afterward she showed me her poppy field artwork on the wall. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z5qs-OGA9ic/XFU_t1UZqII/AAAAAAAAVPM/T2um8sAHnsYqAH-57iT3diGMkkcTAf9kgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0710.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1235" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z5qs-OGA9ic/XFU_t1UZqII/AAAAAAAAVPM/T2um8sAHnsYqAH-57iT3diGMkkcTAf9kgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0710.JPG" width="247" /></a>Oh, Christmas tree! Yes our tree went up early, as usual. I always put the tree up in mid-November. It's a tradition I picked up from my Mom. She always put the tree up the weekend of the Santa Claus Parade. When you have an artificial tree I figure you might as well enjoy it as long as you can. I start to get into the Christmas spirit in November and it makes the living room cozy having the tree up. Michelle was excited to help me decorate. She really does a good job. She totally understands the concept of composition, alternating the ornaments by colour and shape, spacing things out so it's visually pleasing. I love the white tree with the white, silver and turquoise decorations. I love my tree. It was a gift from May many years ago. It is yellowing in spots over time but I try to keep those at the back and you can't really tell once the lights and decorations go on. Michelle loves it too. It's nice having her decorate with me. We were both excited for Christmas. This year was FAR less stressful than last for many reasons. Winter of last year I was completely stressed out and falling apart. I still can't believe a whole year has gone by since then. I'm grateful for my therapy and time to heal. It had been a long time coming. Better late than never.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BF-eJeYGQBg/XFU_ti7VANI/AAAAAAAAVPI/0sxtAlNvoMA402pSOVcqmm11iYX7bMrDQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0712.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1323" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BF-eJeYGQBg/XFU_ti7VANI/AAAAAAAAVPI/0sxtAlNvoMA402pSOVcqmm11iYX7bMrDQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0712.JPG" width="264" /></a>My Mom always wants the whole family together for Christmas. Of course it's not always possible. Usually my brother Mike and his wife alternate years, spending Christmas with HIS parents one year and HERS the next. 2018 was SUPPOSED to be my Mom's year but there was some confusion and somehow my brother Chris thought it WASN'T her year and booked a Christmas trip to Mexico. The news went over like a lead balloon. Already on Mother's Day Chris dropped the bomb that he was getting married and Mom wasn't invited (Well actually NONE of the family were invited. They were eloping but announced it ahead of time, having a very private, small wedding at a local beach. It was a bit strange but to each his own. I still can't understand why they didn't just elope and get married on one of their many tropical vacations -- to Jamaica, Cuba etc. It would have been far more romantic and would have made sense that we weren't invited, instead of feeling like a slap in the face. It was kind of weird. Then again, what do I know? I'm no expert on weddings. It's not as though I've ever had one or ever will! Anyway, people have to do what feels right for them. Regardless of what others think/feel about it.) So, Mother's Day was a mother$%#@#. Now there would be no Chris in Christmas.<br />
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Pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip! My Mom was NOT taking the news well. "This could be my LAST Christmas and I won't even have my FAMILY with me on Christmas Day!" I almost felt bad for Chris. (ALMOST except the bugger was going to friggin MEXICO so, not really.) Anyway, the damage was done and we just had to deal with it. A date was arranged to celebrate Christmas as a family BEFORE Christmas. Mike was relieved to have a quiet Christmas at home with just his own family for a change. Mom was heartbroken she wouldn't be seeing any of her kids for Christmas day and that it would be TWO years in a row now, because next year was still Barb's family's turn. Before Mom got too far into her heart-rending violin solo on the phone with me, I told her that Michelle and me would still visit Mom and Dad for Christmas.<br />
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Mom said something to the effect of "Well I guess that's better than nothing." (Gee, thanks Mom. I feel the love!) I'd been Mom's consolation prize on several occasions when no one else could make it. She could always count on me. She said she thought Chris felt bad and regretted booking the trip. No doubt. My Mom is a master manipulator. If she doesn't get her way, she will at the very least make you feel like absolute crap over it! It's almost not even worth it trying to defy her. Even if you got to go to Mexico. Anyway I was grateful I'd get to celebrate three Christmases with Michelle. One with the whole family, one with just her and I and another with just Gramma and Grampa. Michelle was pretty psyched for all of it too. Usually it's just Michelle and me and Ali cat makes three. So spending time with our extended family is cool as a contrast.</div>
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I had always loved the classic "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and I was curious to see the latest reinvention. It was awesome. It was faithful to the book while adding more songs and poetry that would have made Dr. Seuss proud. It was adorable, heart-warming and provided a great back story for the Grinch's behaviour which made him much more sympathetic. You could see why he turned out as angry and anti-social as he was. And it was sweet to see him open his heart in the end.<br />
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When we went outside for our traditional post-movie photo I was disappointed to see that the poster wasn't even lit up but I got the picture anyway. You have to get a photo or it just didn't happen! For the past couple of decades I have obsessively recorded my life in photos and for the past decade I've been sharing it online. It's become such a habit that I can't imagine life without it.<br />
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Michelle was really enjoying her ballet classes and I was happy to be able to give her that. It's something I wished I had gotten to do as a child. I felt bad when I wasn't able to put her in lessons because they were too expensive and my schedule would have been impossible (she would have missed half the classes -- and you still pay full price.) I was thrilled to find a studio where the classes are MUCH more reasonable (a fraction of the other studios) and I was grateful to now be able to take her to lessons. I don't know when my schedule may change in the future but hopefully it will be a more regular schedule rather than the sort of chaotic, hit and miss crazy schedule that I had before. The long hours, irregular shifts etc were part of what had pushed me over the edge. My therapist recommended I steer clear of anything like that in the future.<br />
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My little Prima Donna hamming it up for the camera! I love it! So dramatic!<br />
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I experimented with some creative shots using the cameras random multiple shots mode and settled on this sepia toned one as my fave.<br />
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With Michelle in school I had some time to myself during the day. Ever since clearing out bags of clothes for charity I had become obsessed with tidying, organizing and clearing things out. My therapist likened it to therapy -- clearing negative clutter, ghosts of the past from my home and my mind. It was overwhelming at times. For so long I had tried to just IGNORE/AVOID the unpleasant things I didn't want to face (whether my own negative feelings, disturbing things in the world, or disorder and clutter in my own home). Now I was confronting it and doing something about it, it was empowering but some days it was overwhelming and depleting. My therapist told me to pace myself but I was on a roll. I hadn't been motivated to tackle this herculean task in a long time, so now that I was, I felt like I had to keep going. It helped me to feel constructive and somewhat in control at least. I was like a machine. Clear out, donate, tidy, organize.<br />
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Now that I had a new computer I decided it was time to organize my office and actually turn it into an office/art room/studio again because for the last several years it had become just a junk room (think junk drawer on a larger scale!)/catch all for the things I didn't know what to do with. I never went in there. My laptop was usually in the kitchen. The office was anything but.<br />
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Now I started clearing more things out to give to charity and organizing my collections (souvenirs of Europe, art supplies, art books etc.)<br />
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It was amazing! I could actually use my desk as a desk now. I organized my paints by colour so I had a beautiful rainbow at my disposal. I could see the floor for the first time in years! (I had bags of Michelle's old clothes, stockpiles of gifts etc all cluttering up the floor so that you couldn't even take two steps.) Mind you even after the clear out, I still had a LOT of stuff but now everything was in its place. A lot of the bags that had taken over the floor I put into the closet, hidden away. Some things got moved to the basement or gotten rid of. I should have done a before and after but the before was too frightening to even photograph!<br />
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Until now I hadn't spent too much time in the office because it was pretty much uninhabitable. Usually I just threw stuff in there and quickly closed the door. I never let guests see inside that room (which is especially ironic considering I often referred to it as the "Guest room!") Now as I was organizing and tidying I discovered a bit of a problem that had likely been surfacing for some time but that I hadn't noticed before, namely my bookcase was leaning precariously to the left. I swear I could almost hear it creaking. It was scary.<br />
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I had been to the leaning tower of Pisa once. Now I had a leaning bookcase, threatening to fall. I'd had it a long time. It was an old silver IKEA Billy bookcase storing knick knacks, books etc. Years ago a friend who was a mover told me the guys all joked about how flimsy IKEA furniture is, breaks like doll furniture during a move, but I still love it! And they don't make the Billy bookcase in a silver foil finish anymore. Just white, black or birch. I love my silver bookcase. I have two more of them in my living room as well. I have a LOT of books!) This one had no back on it (for whatever reason I had removed it at some point so you could see the wall behind.) With no support in the back and crammed with so many heavy art books, the unit had become extremely unstable. It was going to crack. I wondered if I could tighten the screws or something but it was way beyond that.<br />
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That bookcase was like me several months ago: falling apart. Slowly but surely, day by day, more and more broken. You can only take so much weight/pressure before you come crashing down. People could tell I was more than a little off kilter but neither they nor I knew just when I was going to crack. I needed to get help. Now I needed to help my bookcase before it leaned all the way over and broke apart in splinters, smashing my collection of Eiffel towers and other Europe memorabilia. What was I going to do?<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j_tuqyBiw6E/XFfIcGBDAmI/AAAAAAAAVQk/9wlEHzQ7ZPYQGm4re_Jgv57cWFYSRIM3ACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0775.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j_tuqyBiw6E/XFfIcGBDAmI/AAAAAAAAVQk/9wlEHzQ7ZPYQGm4re_Jgv57cWFYSRIM3ACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0775.JPG" width="320" /></a>Then suddenly, possibly because I was in this take charge/clear out, problem solving mode the solution hit me: If I moved it to the corner, it could lean INTO the wall on the left and be stable. Of course it was going to be a HUGE undertaking removing everything on the shelves and dragging the bookcase clear across the room but I did it! All by myself! (Actually Michelle helped me pile some of the books in the hallway and move them back afterward. I wouldn't let her carry the heavier books. It was cute that she wanted to help.)<br />
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And voila! Problem solved! I was so pleased! It worked perfectly! It was stable. And now that I had a free wall I could add some more storage. I got a chrome shelf unit where I could store boxes of mementos etc. Since my office also doubled as my gift wrap room I could store wrapped presents for upcoming birthdays etc on the top. Now that I actually had floor space I wanted to keep clutter off the floor as much as possible.<br />
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It was empowering to feel like I could take control and make a difference, in a concrete way. There were so many things that I couldn't fix or couldn't control (in myself, the world etc.) but I could at least do this. I could make my home a tidier, more organized, more efficient and pleasant place to be. Though I don't follow it religiously I do believe in the concept of feng shui. Your home has an energy and when your energy can flow you feel happier, healthier, more at peace. Clutter, disorder and mess cause stress. Even when you try to ignore it it's there, disturbing your peace. When everything is in order it is pleasing to the eye and your mind can be at peace. I need all the peace I can get!<br />
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After all my hard work, I was determined to keep my home relatively clutter-free. This also meant not shopping nearly as much, which was good for other reasons -- most importantly because I needed to save money. For too long, without realizing it, I was spending more than I had. Shopping had been an addiction for me more than I recognized. It should have been fairly obvious. I have a LOT of clothes. Like I could probably have a different outfit every single day of my life if I wanted. No repeats. Even if I lived to be 100 years old. Michelle has a lot of clothes too. And she outgrows them so quickly. She also has an insane amount of toys. Like more than a toy store. What can I say? I have a weakness for cute and beautiful things. Especially if they're on sale! I shopped mindlessly (the opposite of mindfulness.) It's like I was in a trance-like state. It helped me to forget about my problems so much that I didn't realize IT was a problem. Quite often we are unconscious of our addictions. They are just things we do, unknowingly, to feel better. We want it. We crave more. And it's never enough. Nothing is ever enough to fill the void. That is one quality that virtually all addictions share: They NEVER fill the void. They are supposed to make us feel better but in the end, because we overdo them, we feel much worse.<br />
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While it's usually easy to identify addictions to dangerous substances such as cigarettes, drugs and alcohol, some addictions (to food, shopping etc) are more insidious because they don't seem dangerous. Everyone needs to eat. You have to go shopping sometimes. How do you know when it's out of control? When it's interfering with your life. When it becomes unhealthy.<br />
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Shopping was escapism for me, a form of avoidance and distraction from distressing things in my life. It was like a drug. I loved that it was a way I could take control and get what I want, unlike most other things in life. If I was feeling down or stressed, I could go shopping as a pick me up. It was a treasure hunt. I would find something amazing on sale and be excited. But the high wouldn't last and it was no fun when the credit card bills came in. Shopping addiction is pretty common. I'm not the only shopaholic. People joke about "retail therapy." There is a rush to being able to go into a store and pick out whatever you want (as long as you can afford it!)<br />
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At least I was helping the economy! I have always been a shopaholic and bargain hunter like my mother. Unfortunately no matter how cheap things are, if you buy enough of them it adds up. When I look back, it got worse the more stressed out I was. That's usually how it is with addictions -- when you're stressed you reach for your drug of choice as an escape. Have a cigarette. Have a drink. Eat another donut. Go shopping. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. I go shopping and eat junk food. For the longest time, shopping was my Mother's Little Helper. But I couldn't keep it up. I wanted to stop. I didn't want to spend so much money or keep amassing things to fill an already full house. It had to change. I tried to avoid shopping as much as possible and when I had to go I would add things up in my head as I put them in the cart so I knew exactly what I was spending. I tried to limit myself to only what I needed/really loved/could afford. I was doing pretty well. I got used to picking things up and then putting them back after doing an honest evaluation. I managed to cut my spending in half. My therapist was proud of me for making so much progress. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step. Taking steps to manage your addiction is next. It isn't easy. It is possible.<br />
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So I was avoiding stores for the most part. Of course there was still Christmas shopping but I mostly had it done anyway, aside from a few last minute things.</div>
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We were so excited for Christmas. I was glad I got the tree up in time for my Mom's birthday party. I was hosting. Michelle loves dressing up so she was thrilled to be able to wear one of her many beautiful gowns, this time a stunning navy blue dress in velvet and satin. I had been planning to wear a 3/4 length sleeve white and grey floral dress that I'd ordered almost a year ago and hadn't even worn yet. It arrived in the Summer when it was far too hot to wear a sleeve. Now in the Fall when I went to try it on, it barely fit. I had gained... 10...15...20 lbs?! Even though I swore it wouldn't happen (I was still counting calories. Unfortunately it didn't stop me from consuming them!), it snuck up on me. Between eating a jar of jelly beans (they had become an addiction and I had to keep replenishing the jar!) and other holiday eating (Christmas cookies etc) as well as a lack of exercise (I rarely did my yoga anymore and with the cold I wasn't walking outside much) it was no wonder I'd gained.<br />
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I insisted on the group photo, as usual. We were all there except Mike and his gang. It's a very long drive for him, especially to my place and he doesn't make it for all of the family events. One year he was supposed to come for Mom's birthday (I usually host it) and had to back out because there was a blizzard and it was too dangerous to drive.<br />
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If there's no place to go, let it snow, I guess. It's not so bad if you don't have to drive in it. It still isn't my favourite. You still have to shovel it. Michelle always plays in the snow while I do the driveway and sidewalk. When it's packing snow we make a snowman (snow woman) or two and sometimes a snow cat.<br />
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I really don't like being out in the cold. I hate the snow but I make the best of it to make Michelle happy. My favourite part is when we get to go in and peel off our cold, wet winter clothes and warm up inside with a hot chocolate.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4JGCuVW0ovo/XFfKOaHc3yI/AAAAAAAAVSA/eYodCZwB9a0CnF5DLe82MUHRyPXIexv1ACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0878.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1283" data-original-width="1600" height="256" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4JGCuVW0ovo/XFfKOaHc3yI/AAAAAAAAVSA/eYodCZwB9a0CnF5DLe82MUHRyPXIexv1ACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0878.JPG" width="320" /></a>If there is a photo op to be had, even at great discomfort to me, I am down for it! Michelle hugging our big snow kitty was adorable and it was worth nearly getting frostbite on my fingers to get it.<br />
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This time with Michelle is priceless. I feel so fortunate to be able to share these adventures with her. I know it means a lot to her too. We are a very small family, the two of us and our Ali cat, but we couldn't be more filled with love. It isn't the size of the family that matters, it's the love. Michelle couldn't be more loved even if she had a father and siblings.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p6l3i2V6ZC4/XFfKOYBUetI/AAAAAAAAVSE/tTIUmfa0ZG85nUb_tlE--5YH6ujvfPV1ACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0884.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1264" data-original-width="1600" height="252" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p6l3i2V6ZC4/XFfKOYBUetI/AAAAAAAAVSE/tTIUmfa0ZG85nUb_tlE--5YH6ujvfPV1ACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0884.JPG" width="320" /></a>My girl and me.<br />
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Michelle really is the best thing in my life. She is why I started this blog and why I continue it. Despite the problems and setbacks and heartbreaks I have suffered in the past, she makes it all worthwhile. This blog is my way of celebrating our lives, reliving the happy moments and I need this. So many times I've thought of giving it up but I kept going because I just have to. "The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates said. This blog is my way of examining my life. It helps me to remember what's really important.<br />
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It was pajama day at ballet. Michelle had fun dancing around in her pjs. I always enjoy watching her class even if it is from outside the door through a small window. Some parents just spend the time on their phone texting or playing games. I always want to watch Michelle. I wish I could be in the room with her. Plus the little girl in me that never got to take ballet wouldn't mind being in on the class too. </div>
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When the class is over I usually make Michelle pose for a photo or two (or three!) because I simply can't pass up a cute photo op. I've tried to explain my obsession to non-photoholics and they just don't get it. Taking pictures is like breathing to me. Telling me not to take a photo is like telling me to hold my breath. If something cute or beautiful happens and I don't have my camera (or the battery is dead or the memory card is full or they don't allow photography) it physically HURTS! There's a knot in my stomach. I tried explaining it to my Mom: I've always dreamed of going to Hawaii. But if someone gave me a trip for free and the one condition was that I couldn't take photos, I wouldn't go. To me it would be torture to see the most beautiful places in the world and not be able to capture the moment and to know that I would never see it again. Photography is control for me. It is one thing I can control. The moment will slip through my fingers and time will go too fast but I can at least capture it forever in pictures.</div>
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Michelle went to a gymnastics themed birthday party and had a ball. I couldn't afford to put her in gymnastics too (ballet and piano are already stretching my budget) but I'm sure she'd enjoy it. She's pretty flexible and has a ton of energy.<br />
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I stuck around for the party so I could keep an eye on her, partly because it's a public place and I still didn't really feel comfortable leaving her, partly because I'd be afraid of her getting hurt on the equipment and I'd want to be nearby if she needed me (overprotective bubble wrap helicopter parent? Guilty as charged!) and also because it's a cute photo op and how on Earth could I pass that up?!<br />
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Unfortunately a lot of the shots were blurry. My new camera doesn't seem to have a sport/action mode (and if it does I couldn't find it) so all the shots of Michelle in action on the trampoline, swings on the rings etc, were blurry. She had a ball diving into the foam blocks so at least I caught some of that.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YnfshArio3c/XFfNKBNCJ7I/AAAAAAAAVVs/LXElbiIHLl089rDB56RIwKsBqE4MUkVIQCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0931.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1172" data-original-width="1600" height="146" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YnfshArio3c/XFfNKBNCJ7I/AAAAAAAAVVs/LXElbiIHLl089rDB56RIwKsBqE4MUkVIQCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0931.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--gnyUEUwjR4/XFfNJhpF42I/AAAAAAAAVVo/p-P22AQOYUUeglnI4czrZHBA0GU_K8tvgCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMG_0929.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1321" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--gnyUEUwjR4/XFfNJhpF42I/AAAAAAAAVVo/p-P22AQOYUUeglnI4czrZHBA0GU_K8tvgCEwYBhgL/s200/IMG_0929.JPG" width="165" /></a><br />
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Leaping unicorns!<br />
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And then, just like that my camera decided to cooperate and catch an action shot. Maybe because it was outdoors in natural light. Michelle is really catching air.<br />
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Even when there isn't a lot of snow on the ground she will gravitate toward the one pile that there is and jump in it. I envy her energy and enthusiasm. I wish I had even a fraction of them. But on a grey November day the last thing on Earth I feel like doing is leaping for joy.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3QbVx45PPLw/XFfN3UvLx9I/AAAAAAAAVVw/W88J9558qh86WIL2Y1U803lD8PAhMaNJACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0966.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1187" data-original-width="1600" height="236" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3QbVx45PPLw/XFfN3UvLx9I/AAAAAAAAVVw/W88J9558qh86WIL2Y1U803lD8PAhMaNJACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0966.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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"I'm MELTING!"<br />
Our snowmen (snow girls?) weren't doing too well.<br />
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You just never knew what the weather would do from one day to the next. It could be sub-zero and snow one day and then warm up and be melting green grass again. I bundled Michelle up regardless. Some days I'd look out and think "Oh it's sunny. It must be warmer today" and it was colder than ever.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4mIg0vH17eI/XFfOkrtPiKI/AAAAAAAAVV8/QhP7Ibv7h-QyLVOG3zxcmDZEYj0kI4DcQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0974.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4mIg0vH17eI/XFfOkrtPiKI/AAAAAAAAVV8/QhP7Ibv7h-QyLVOG3zxcmDZEYj0kI4DcQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0974.JPG" width="320" /></a>I want Michelle to enjoy Santa Claus. I really do. As a child I never got to have that. My Mom flat out told us there was no Santa. I didn't ruin it for other kids but I was still sad for myself that I missed out on some of the magic of the season.<br />
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This year, however, I was losing my patience with the whole thing. It was turning into a bit of a fiasco.<br />
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I already had Michelle's Christmas presents. I was hoping she'd ask Santa for something that I already had for her so it wouldn't involve me going out shopping again (since I was supposed to be giving up my shopping addiction.) Then she said she was asking Santa for a new Hatchimal. OK. I would look for one. I was worried that they retailed for about $70-80 but maybe I'd find one on sale. I found one at Walmart for half price. Score! I was thrilled. I wrapped it up from Santa. I was all set. But then when she wrote her letter for Santa she revealed that what she really wanted was a Hatchimal "Hatchibaby" not the mystery one I'd gotten for her. For crying out loud I had the wrong Hatchimal. I already had it wrapped and everything. Santa could NOT, WOULD not get it wrong. This wouldn't do. Crap. I was so mad. So I returned it and went and got the Hatchibaby, which was full price. Then I saw the Hatchibaby on sale somewhere but I was reluctant to return it and then buy it at the other store. With my luck I'd return it and then they'd be sold out and I wouldn't have one at all which would be worse. Then by the time I decided to go for it the sale was over anyway. For crying out loud. It made me sick that I'd spent full price and wasted the money, especially when I was supposed to be saving not spending. Then Walmart, where I had purchased it, had the Hatchibaby marked down. OK. I thought Walmart is pretty good about returns/exchanges and maybe they would give me a refund for the difference. I brought it to the store, still wrapped, with the receipt and told the customer service woman what I'd been through. She was sympathetic. She said technically they're only supposed to refund the difference if it's within one week/one flyer and it had been more than that. Still she refunded me the difference and didn't even make me unwrap it. I had special paper from Santa and special hand-writing. I couldn't believe what I had gone through and Santa would get all the credit for it. But that's just what you do. And one day she won't believe in Santa anymore but for now, I'll do whatever I need to, just to give her that joy and magic.<br />
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One night she asked me "Mama, is there a Santa Claus?"<br />
The pressure. How do I answer her. I thought the best way would be to read her a book based on the famous letter "Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus." I love the line "He exists as certainly as love and devotion and generosity exist..." She said that some people don't believe. I said that yes I know. It's sad that some people have no faith. It's hard to believe in things that you don't see with your own eyes. I told her that when kids stop believing, if they lose their Christmas spirit, then they stop getting presents from him. She assured me that she still believed. She's only 6. I wonder how old she will be before she figures it all out.<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BRb1b8gsL5M/XFfOv1Z88dI/AAAAAAAAVWE/LLgFOrTzmKs1_IckAkTIBdrFMeyuTmkVACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0977.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1048" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BRb1b8gsL5M/XFfOv1Z88dI/AAAAAAAAVWE/LLgFOrTzmKs1_IckAkTIBdrFMeyuTmkVACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0977.JPG" width="209" /></a>We both loved the movie "Wreck it Ralph" so when we heard there was going to be a sequel we were excited. It was amazing. "Ralph Breaks the Internet" (although I think it should have been Ralph WRECKS the Internet!) was so cute and clever and heartwarming. It was visually stunning and very inventive. I couldn't resist getting the combo that came with a Vanellope Von Sweetz bucket that we didn't end up using for popcorn but we decided made a perfect candy bucket. So much for my not shopping. A trip to the movies, by the time you pay for the film and snack combos is a fortune. But it's escapism and Michelle and I both love it. Whenever an animated movie comes out I have a hard time saying no. I loved animated films even before having a child so I love them even more now. If I can't live in a Disney movie I can at least go to one. To watch something colourful and magical is a breath of fresh air on a cold grey dreary November day. Which described most days.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FXAwkiPTR_I/XFfPURyHhDI/AAAAAAAAVWQ/g3YphxVa8jYOntZ8lWibtd1dluorUj6JwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0979.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1300" data-original-width="1600" height="260" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FXAwkiPTR_I/XFfPURyHhDI/AAAAAAAAVWQ/g3YphxVa8jYOntZ8lWibtd1dluorUj6JwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0979.JPG" width="320" /></a>Pretty in pink. My little ballerina.<br />
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When I was little my Mom said I used to dance around on my tiptoes like a ballerina as a two year old. I wanted to take dance lessons. As I got older I wanted to even more. But you had to have started when you were 4-6 years old. It was too late. It was one dream that I could never have. One of the best compliments I'd ever gotten was from a stranger when I was in my teens. She commented how lithe and graceful I was and asked if I was a ballerina.<br />
"I wish," I replied.<br />
Now I can make Michelle's wishes come true. And live vicariously through her.<br />
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The photo doesn't really do this Christmas tree justice. This tree is DEEP PURPLE!<br />
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Yes, the studio had a purple Christmas tree and it was just about the coolest thing EVER! I've always loved my white one. I think if I'd ever come across a purple or pink one I would have been tempted to buy it and then have all purple or pink ornaments.<br />
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It was so pretty! I loved it! I made Michelle pose with the purple tree before we left. The hallway in the studio is usually extremely busy and insanely crowded with all the classes spilling out and parents picking up their kids but I did manage to capture this moment without anyone in the way. Again, I can't miss a photo op. I have a weakness for cute and pretty things. Always. (I may not always be able to buy them but I can at the very least take their picture!)<br />
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Like mother, like daughter.<br />
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I can't resist dressing us alike. I found this adorable pink sweater with deer on it in Michelle's size and my size. They're so soft and comfortable too. Yes I was supposed to be avoiding shopping but I had to take my Mom Christmas shopping because she doesn't have a car and while I was out with her it was hard not to buy anything myself. I did exercise incredible restraint most of the time, but I have my breaking point. There were some purchases I could justify -- if I knew I was going to regret walking away from it then it was a keeper. I was at least getting really good at adding up my items in my head so I knew exactly what it would be when I went to check out. In the past I was in sort of a fugue state and would be shocked at the amount when I went to cash out. Walmart was a killer for this. I try to avoid Walmart now because it's too much temptation. They literally sell everything. You go in for light bulbs and wind up filling your cart with everything on Earth -- clothes, food, toys, you name it. I try not to do that anymore.<br />
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My Mom had her Christmas tree up too. It was pretty cozy. Sometimes we would visit my Mom and stay overnight and I'd take her shopping. It wasn't ideal. I never sleep very well. The bed is uncomfortable. One time we came in and my Mom's cat had POOED on the guest bed! Maybe she was marking her territory? We were horrified. Sometimes shit happens LITERALLY! My Mom threw out the comforter but we were still pretty freaked out. I wanted to just go home but the weather was too bad to drive so we were sort of stuck.<br />
"Mama. I don't want to stay here."<br />
"Me either. We'll be back home tomorrow. It's just for one night."<br />
"What if the cat POOS on us?!"<br />
"She probably won't."<br />
"Can we just GO?!"<br />
"Gramma is making bacon and eggs in the morning."<br />
"OK let's stay!"<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sCPlxOtdWMI/XFfPdSwfT4I/AAAAAAAAVWg/oFzs_ut-eF841ZiFbRhY6jo6dTXONValACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0998.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sCPlxOtdWMI/XFfPdSwfT4I/AAAAAAAAVWg/oFzs_ut-eF841ZiFbRhY6jo6dTXONValACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0998.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle loved bacon. I made it very rarely. My Mom made it every day of her life.<br />
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I gave Michelle a couple of little Christmas presents early including this adorable little Christmas kitty. If it's a Christmas thing you might as well get it BEFORE Christmas, right? Otherwise it's only good for like one day and then you have to put it away for next year. As cramped and cluttered as my Mom's place is it is much cozier with the Christmas tree up and the lights on. We managed to survive the rest of the night without my Mom's cat "Sweetheart" (which clearly, after the poo poo incident is a bit of a misnomer!) defecating in the living room again.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EunRaf_o3gw/XFfPqdxwBCI/AAAAAAAAVW0/jei07niP_nsSBLwJpusqErJev-gA_-D_QCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1267" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EunRaf_o3gw/XFfPqdxwBCI/AAAAAAAAVW0/jei07niP_nsSBLwJpusqErJev-gA_-D_QCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1001.JPG" width="253" /></a>There's no place like home! Whenever we were away (though it was far less often now) it was so good to get back home. I let Michelle open stocking stuffer presents ahead of time. Some of them I had gotten at the dollar store. It was amazing what you could find at stores like the Dollar Tree for only $1.25 -- stuffies, puzzles, books. Michelle appreciated even the smallest things. With kids you don't have to spend a lot to make them happy. They can have fun even with the little things too.<br />
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A lot of the presents I had already purchased months ago, any time I saw things on sale at Toys R Us, anytime I saw something too cute to resist. Being a shopaholic does come in handy in some ways. When Michelle was invited to a birthday party I often had a present ready to give. Of course you can't go overboard and fill your house with things just because you might need them some day.<br />
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To a child it seems like forever until Christmas. To an adult, it comes on us much too quickly. It was already December. I gave Michelle an advent calendar to count down the days until Christmas. I knew that they would fly by.<br />
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Back to the fuchsia!<br />
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Just when I thought it couldn't get any cooler than a purple Christmas tree, the studio put up a NEON PINK Christmas tree in the classroom!<br />
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It's the girliest, glitteriest, prettiest Christmas tree EVER and it's just perfect for a ballet class! I absolutely loved it. I was wishing I had one. Seriously. I have never seen anything like it. It was decorated so well too. They even had a collection of colourful balls underneath it (or maybe it came like that. I don't know but it was awesome.) So beautiful. Of course I couldn't resist getting a photo (or two) of us posing with the tree after class. I was surprised no one else did but some people don't really care about stuff like that I guess. Sometimes when I see people just passing by a photo op, acting all blasé I almost feel like asking them "Are you SEEING THIS?! Like isn't this AWESOME?!" But they'd probably think I was crazy. And they wouldn't be wrong.<br />
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And then the purple one again. This photo shows it a little better. With sparkly purple and gold ornaments. Michelle was even in her purple unicorn horns with purple hair to match. And a lavender coat.<br />
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The artist Jane Davenport says in one of her books that she suffers from "rainbow-i-tis." I get it. I have the same thing. I LOVE rainbow colours. In my living room I even arranged my books by colour. I have a blue shelf, white, black, purple, beige. I love rainbow coloured things. There is a plastic storage unit with rainbow drawers that I've always admired but I never seem to see it on sale and now I'm not supposed to be shopping at all. I guess it's an artist thing to me so infatuated with colour. It's part of what makes you want to draw or paint. The Winter can be so bleak, dark and grey. To have these vibrant, gorgeous splashes of colour is such a blessing. It lifts my spirit on a dull day.<br />
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Yes I found us yet another matching outfit -- black cat sweatshirts! Adorbs! The cat is actually a front pocket, you can put your hands in to be cozy. This is how much of a nerd I am. I couldn't resist these<br />
a) because they were on sale<br />
b) I love cats<br />
c) I relish any opportunity to dress us alike because I love my girl and right now she thinks it's cool to dress like Mama even though no doubt a decade from now she would be mortified if we dressed the same. Of course by then I'll be really old (I'm already pretty old!) and I don't think I'd still be able to get away with dressing like a kid. Not that I should get away with it now. But screw it. I gotta be me! People have commented a couple of times when we're out "Oh how cute! You're twins!" but they're secretly probably thinking "Dear Lord woman that's a cry for help if I've ever seen one!" I'm trying not to care so much what people think anyway. It's what my girl thinks and what I think that matters.<br />
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We went to see the Christmas lights show because how could we not? It's beautiful and it's free. There are down sides of course. For one, it was insanely crowded. The parking lot was a disaster. I was stressed out before we even started so I wasn't in the best mood. Plus I'm not a fan of being outdoors in the winter, especially at night. I mostly just couldn't wait to get back home and warm up.<br />
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Michelle loved it and was having a ball running around so I tried to be a good sport.<br />
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The peacock was our favourite light display. It was tough to get a photo without someone in the way. The peacock was pretty popular.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qLHM18h_AKE/XF5jdXPuDMI/AAAAAAAAVYo/XA_MJcPoPVYkFmhaeF5HbUIb_dDHoIgHQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1058.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1312" data-original-width="1600" height="262" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qLHM18h_AKE/XF5jdXPuDMI/AAAAAAAAVYo/XA_MJcPoPVYkFmhaeF5HbUIb_dDHoIgHQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1058.JPG" width="320" /></a>I love a photo op and these were great photo ops but I just wasn't feeling it. Plus they were playing Sarah Mclachlan singing "River" which is the song I usually play at home when I need a cathartic cry. (It's on a Christmas compilation CD I have.)<br />
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"I wish I had a river I could skate away on..." Aside from Blue Christmas and White Christmas it is the most melancholy Christmas song to me. Christmas is complicated to me. It is a sweet, magical time, it is also sort of a melancholy, difficult time. Being surrounded by traditional happy families -- Moms and dads with their kids -- was like salt in the wound as well. Not that I don't love my tiny family of Michelle and me. But sometimes I feel like the only single parent in the world. It's like friggin Noah's Ark everywhere I go -- they're all two by two. Mom and dad. And then there's me. And sometimes it makes me sad. I'll see a couple walking with their child between them holding their hands and it makes my heart ache that I can't give Michelle that.<br />
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"Can we go yet?!" I kept asking.<br />
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She didn't want to go. She wanted to run back and see everything again. She wasn't tired. She wasn't cold. She wasn't sad. This was just pure fun for her. Other than Halloween she doesn't usually get to be out at night so it was an adventure. Finally I had to drag her away. Then it was a nightmare trying to get out of the parking lot alive with line ups of cars coming and going. Sometimes I wish I could just beam home instantly. I don't do well in crowds or traffic or chaos.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dUmUIEpHKtQ/XF5mtb4lubI/AAAAAAAAVZA/h1J4XLcsWDgqujj1T9r7Oq7DYTWqnGXHwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1113.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1213" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dUmUIEpHKtQ/XF5mtb4lubI/AAAAAAAAVZA/h1J4XLcsWDgqujj1T9r7Oq7DYTWqnGXHwCLcBGAs/s200/IMG_1113.JPG" width="151" /></a>I liked the photo ops. I was glad that we had gone. I was glad that Michelle enjoyed it but the trip made me feel a little sad. When Michelle was in school the next day I played "River" and cried.<br />
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Michelle did figure out that the "Mall Santa" was not actually THE Santa, if only because how could he be at all the malls at the same time and why does he always look different. She figures they just work for the real Santa and report back to him. Of course she didn't really have to tell Santa what she wanted because she'd already sent him her letter c/o Santa Claus at The North Pole HOH 0H0. </div>
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Santa had a MASSIVE throne this time. It seems they have revised the whole Santa photo thing. Now instead of sitting on Santa's lap you sit beside him. This is probably a better idea for a couple of reasons. Sitting on some random guy's lap is a little creepy if you think about it too much. Also poor Santa's leg probably gets sore after 100 kids have climbed on it. Also, if they're not potty trained it could be messy for poor old Santa. The big chair seemed like a good idea for everyone. I was happy with Michelle's photo. With a photoholic Mama she's a pro at posing by now.</div>
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She was all dressed up in her red Christmas gown. We walked around the mall afterward doing a bit of shopping (and yes, I'm like a recovering alcoholic in a bar, I may have fallen off the wagon. Hard!) while waiting for Gramma. My Mom loved to go shopping and wasn't able to get out unless someone would take her. So I was usually the chauffeur.<br />
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Though I had been pretty good about not spending money if you put me in a mall with Michelle, all bets are off. I couldn't resist getting her a few things. How could I say no to that face?!<br />
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Michelle's tooth was loose for a while and I was worried about it coming out. What if it happened in her sleep and she swallowed it?! Would it hurt? Would it be bleeding? I was hoping it would happen at home rather than at school when I wasn't there.<br />
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At first Michelle was excited about her wiggly tooth and the thought of the Tooth Fairy coming. It's a milestone in a kid's life. It's a sign that they're growing up. Her initial enthusiasm gave way to frustration that it wasn't coming out and that eating was trickier. I told her she couldn't exactly be on soft foods for her entire childhood. All of the baby teeth have to fall out at some point. It takes years before all the adult teeth grow in. You can't go years eating nothing but soup. Michelle doesn't even like soup! I asked my sister how long it takes a tooth to fall out. It depends. Days, weeks, months. I know that some people try to help it along by pulling on it. On TV you'd see kids taking drastic measures like tying a string to it and pulling it by a bike or dropping a book out of a window. I definitely didn't want to do anything like that. I told her to just let it come out on its own when it's ready.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KPrSupdYWB4/XF5rNo0kyNI/AAAAAAAAVZ4/zifbOQALKdE1sTsZDhnDi2u9_rjKwiMcwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1154.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1360" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KPrSupdYWB4/XF5rNo0kyNI/AAAAAAAAVZ4/zifbOQALKdE1sTsZDhnDi2u9_rjKwiMcwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1154.JPG" width="272" /></a>Michelle is sentimental like me and she wanted to keep her tooth. She asked me if the Tooth Fairy would let her keep the tooth but still give her money. I said she could try to negotiate it! So Michelle wrote a letter for the Tooth Fairy. We were all set. I even found a cute little box to keep her tooth in as a souvenir. And then, because it's Murphy's Law, her tooth falls out when we're staying at my Mom's and we don't have the letter OR the box. So we waited until we got home and left the note for the Tooth Fairy under the pillow.<br />
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The next morning Michelle was THRILLED to find a little note under her pillow in a gold bag with gold fairy dust and a shiny toonie. Her tooth was in the box with gold dust sprinkled on it.<br />
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"She was HERE!" Michelle exclaimed, "the Tooth Fairy came!"<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FbIQfAErtXg/XGKi_fVZXBI/AAAAAAAAVa4/-KXRwNR-I-8E_9i40mJRd6Cmi21gXEPlQCLcBGAs/s1600/tooth%2Bfairy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="709" data-original-width="590" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FbIQfAErtXg/XGKi_fVZXBI/AAAAAAAAVa4/-KXRwNR-I-8E_9i40mJRd6Cmi21gXEPlQCLcBGAs/s320/tooth%2Bfairy.jpg" width="266" /></a>Seeing Michelle so excited and happy, with actual evidence of magic was PRICELESS. I will never forget that morning. When I told my therapist about it she said it was beautiful, sheer genius. She thought the gold glitter was a nice touch.<br />
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I was hoping Michelle wouldn't compare notes with other kids. Maybe other kids got more money but no fairy dust and no note etc? I would just tell her that she was special because she wanted to keep her tooth and was thoughtful enough to write the Tooth Fairy a letter.<br />
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I'm glad Michelle gets to experience these magical moments. Santa Claus. Tooth Fairy. I didn't. My Mom just gave us money when our teeth came out. (At least she did THAT.) No Tooth Fairy. No magic. There's such a small window of time, just a few years where kids really believe in magic. Why not let them have that? They have the rest of their lives to become disillusioned/jaded/cynical.<br />
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Michelle was enjoying her piano lessons. They asked her to perform in the Christmas concert and she said yes. Although she had been in one piano recital already she was very nervous. I told her it's natural to get stage fright. She was afraid to make a mistake but all sorts of students, even ones much older than her made little mistakes in their songs. It's human nature to be nervous and to slip up a little under stress. I was a little nervous for her. It was a large crowd in the church. I wish my family could have been there to see her but I recorded her on video and posted it on Youtube.<br />
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Here is the video of Michelle playing "Deck the Halls." I was so proud of her. Even the owner of the studio apparently commented to her teacher that she's doing amazingly well considering she just started taking lessons in March. I'm so proud of my girl.<br />
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I'm glad that she gets to enjoy things like piano and ballet -- they had been my dream as a child. I would never force her into anything but I'm thrilled that she has the same interests I do. I wouldn't have been as enthused if, say, she wanted to play sports. (Thank Heaven that's not the case! I would still support her but I wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much! And it's expensive and I'd be afraid of her getting hurt!)<br />
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It was "ugly Christmas sweater day" at the ballet studio. her cute I heart Santa sweater really wasn't ugly. Most of the children's Christmas sweaters are cute. It's only when an adult tries to wear a gawdy Christmas sweater with a big reindeer head or glitter or something that it's really ugly. She wore a sparkly sequined skirt to match. It was perfect because she could wear the outfit to the birthday party she was going to afterward. We really had to rush and go straight to the party after her class.<br />
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Michelle is so popular it seems like she has a party or play date almost every week. Meanwhile my social life is non-existent but it's fine because I'm more of a solitary person anyway. Michelle is very outgoing and friendly and makes friends easily.<br />
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The party was at the theatre. She'd be seeing the Grinch. We'd already seen it and I really didn't want to pay to see it again. I felt nervous about leaving Michelle but I made sure she went to the bathroom before I left and I instructed her to always stay with the group -- in the party room and then walking single file into the theatre to see the movie. The control freak in me was a little scared to leave her in a public place but I figured at least it's a controlled environment (not like the indoor playground which is sheer anarchy and almost impossible to supervise the kids). I could do some shopping in the area nearby and then come back to get her. Her friend's Mom was very nice and assured me it would be fine. She was even sympathetic to how overprotective I am. So I left Michelle and we both survived! It's hard for me to let go but I'm taking baby steps. Depending what the future holds I may have to leave her for longer periods. I have to learn to surrender control now and then.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EA8IN-xQWmY/XGKpUwc-dLI/AAAAAAAAVcg/ChwmsiIwLiEhK49fgbIMJfkr5pVM1XgvwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1257.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1350" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EA8IN-xQWmY/XGKpUwc-dLI/AAAAAAAAVcg/ChwmsiIwLiEhK49fgbIMJfkr5pVM1XgvwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1257.JPG" width="270" /></a>Oh deer! A stranger kindly took our photo with a massive deer.<br />
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Although I was trying not to shop too much I had to take my Mom shopping because she doesn't have a car and needed to do her Christmas shopping. It was a LOT of temptation for me, especially in a mall but I was pretty disciplined and didn't get TOO carried away. The old me would have had a field day and been loaded down with bags from every store we went in. Then I'd add up my receipts and have a panic attack when I realized what I'd spent. Now I was a much more conscious and responsible shopper. I only got a couple of little things that were either a really good deal or too good to pass up and I always knew what I was spending so there were no surprises.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-bkf7uyTgg/XGKp3cntZII/AAAAAAAAVco/1ZB0Nm25kzU3KKOJgw3yzNtGTwqpdNmSgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1267.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1316" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-bkf7uyTgg/XGKp3cntZII/AAAAAAAAVco/1ZB0Nm25kzU3KKOJgw3yzNtGTwqpdNmSgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1267.JPG" width="263" /></a>I wasn't sure if she'd caught it at the theatre party or what but Michelle got sick with a cold. Sigh. Every single Christmas it seems one or both of us gets sick. She didn't want to miss performing in her Christmas concert so we went anyway but it was a bit of a fiasco.<br />
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It was WAY more crowded than I'd expected and I couldn't even find a seat until a friend (one of Michelle's friend's moms) waved me over and I sat there, though it was pretty far back. It seemed like the whole school was performing before Michelle's class. It was taking forever and my patience was wearing pretty thin. I didn't even get to sit with Michelle. She had to go to her class to prepare. Meanwhile her voice was hoarse and her nose was running and she was supposed to be singing. She looked about as miserable as I felt. I mimed to her "Smile!" from the audience but this was as close as she came to a grin.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--F2rrqzCQug/XGKp8tBTtQI/AAAAAAAAVcs/Bt0WaK4RoE0yviG9nw83kuHP6JWyd4WpQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1272.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--F2rrqzCQug/XGKp8tBTtQI/AAAAAAAAVcs/Bt0WaK4RoE0yviG9nw83kuHP6JWyd4WpQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1272.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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Afterward I got a picture of us together and once again, she looks absolutely miserable. I was wishing we hadn't even gone. Every part of it was a nightmare: Michelle being sick, the fight to find a parking spot, the stress of finding a seat, the tediousness of sitting through hundreds of kids singing off-key and the misery of poor Michelle sick and coughing from the stage when she should be in bed. I was regretting that we had gone but if we hadn't then we might have regretted that we didn't go. And ultimately I left it up to Michelle. She didn't want to miss out. She had missed out on the concert other years (whether because of illness or my schedule. Now that I saw first hand what the experience was really like I'm kind of thinking I lucked out when I couldn't go!) Still, it was a bit cute I guess.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-45VNb-_UcmE/XGKqQjL5enI/AAAAAAAAVc4/9SVfNHW-6ykbJ39ViS2E7RA1LPb8_kDkACLcBGAs/s1600/closeup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1045" data-original-width="850" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-45VNb-_UcmE/XGKqQjL5enI/AAAAAAAAVc4/9SVfNHW-6ykbJ39ViS2E7RA1LPb8_kDkACLcBGAs/s320/closeup.jpg" width="259" /></a>My little unicorn. When I kept her home sick she wouldn't rest anyway. She'd be in bed less than an hour and then she'd be up running around and playing. Her coughs and colds could linger for weeks. I couldn't keep her home every day. Soon it would be Christmas and she'd be off school for a couple of weeks anyway.<br />
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Michelle likes going to school. She has lots of friends and enjoys learning. It is always hard to get her up in the mornings though. It would be nice to have a break from that at least.<br />
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We were both looking forward to Christmas. I still couldn't believe it was December much less that it would be Christmas soon. The year had flown by. Much too fast.<br />
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I found a way to get my shopping fix without adding too much more clutter or spending too much money -- second hand stores like Plato's Closet and Style Encore buy used clothing as well as sell it. So I would go in with bags of things I no longer wanted and find some new treasures. On a good day I'd break even at least. I found some really beautiful things -- kimonos and tunics and unusual blouses with gorgeous patterns -- really cheap. One Plato's had a spot the elf promotion where if you managed to find the elf hiding you'd save 20% off your purchase. I had almost given up when I spotted these elf legs peaking out of a jacket.<br />
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I wasn't going to be able to give up shopping cold turkey but if I could find a responsible way to enjoy it then I figured that's not so bad.<br />
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Michelle made a Christmas card for her piano teacher. I told her that it wasn't very Christmas-y but she thought it was more important to make it musical. Her teacher liked it.<br />
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Not only would Michelle have a break from school for a couple of weeks, she'd also have a break from her lessons -- both the music centre and the dance studio would be closed for the Christmas break at all. It would be nice not to have to go anywhere. It's always stressful trying to get places on time. Now we could just stay home and take it easy. In theory anyway. Michelle still had a bit of a cough but it wasn't as bad as it had been. At least her nose wasn't running constantly. I was hoping she'd be alright because we had the Christmas celebration with the family coming up. She still made it to her piano and ballet class.<br />
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Her last ballet class before Christmas...<br />
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I couldn't resist posing one last time with my favourite tree. I just love this neon pink tree. I wish I had one even though I don't know where I'd put it. It would look great in Michelle's room but she wouldn't have room for it with all her toys and books. Michelle wants to paint her room pink one day (I think almost every little girl goes through that stage!) but it will be a HUGE job moving all her furniture and toys away from the wall to do it. We might tackle that in the Spring. I'm hoping that having her room painted the way she wants might make her want to sleep there. At this point she is still sleeping in my room. I don't have the heart to kick her out. I know as a kid that I struggled with night terrors and my Mom just left me to rot. I will never do that to Michelle. I want her to know she's always safe and loved.<br />
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The big family Christmas celebration. Before Christmas. It shouldn't really matter that it's not actually Christmas day as long as we're all together. Some families don't even get together at all. Most families don't get together to celebrate every birthday and holiday the way that we do. We're the exception, not the rule. May and Shane hosted at their place because it's the nicest place and the biggest space to accommodate all of us. They had another one of their famous MASSIVE Christmas trees. Every year they get a real tree and it's always HUGE. Like two stories high.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bzavv4lYM7M/XGKrKpz2FtI/AAAAAAAAVdk/UBch2L8q-MQxCrAnCmqsLBuso9pdzYKZgCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1328.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1275" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bzavv4lYM7M/XGKrKpz2FtI/AAAAAAAAVdk/UBch2L8q-MQxCrAnCmqsLBuso9pdzYKZgCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1328.JPG" width="255" /></a>With that many people all opening presents it's always chaotic and it seems like it's over in seconds. Then it was dinner time. A delicious turkey dinner. I had been looking forward to having time to sit down and chat with May after dinner but then Michelle felt really sick. "Mama I want to go HOME." She felt nauseous and was afraid of throwing up. I was so disappointed. I had to fight back tears on the way home and after she'd gone to bed I sat and cried. I'd been looking forward to seeing the family and then it seemed like the day was just over and gone in a blur. I didn't even get a proper visit with May and it seemed like I hadn't seen her in so long. When I talked to May on the phone I was happy to hear that she was going to host my dad's birthday party so I would get a chance to see her again. Michelle was perfectly fine whatever it was. She didn't throw up (which I was extremely relieved about because that's the worst thing ever.)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dIUt9EUiPcU/XGKsDy05QgI/AAAAAAAAVds/i_11FrYGi7YNo_liL1XJBXb6VxrsPTqtQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1391.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1445" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dIUt9EUiPcU/XGKsDy05QgI/AAAAAAAAVds/i_11FrYGi7YNo_liL1XJBXb6VxrsPTqtQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1391.JPG" width="289" /></a>I told Michelle she could open some of her presents ahead of time so she'd have more time to enjoy them. On Christmas day we had to go to my Mom's after she opened her presents and I didn't want her to feel too rushed. She opened her stocking stuffers and was happy with her gifts. I had spoiled her of course. Most of the presents were bought months ago, before I had my epiphany/realization about my shopping habit or made the commitment to change. I had gone overboard. She would have been happy with half or even a third of the presents that I had gotten her. I just have a hard time holding back when it comes to giving things to Michelle. It's much easier to restrain myself from buying things for me. Anything that Michelle wanted (toys she saw on TV or in the store) if it was cute and wasn't too expensive, I got it. How could I not?! But I knew I couldn't keep this up.</div>
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My cutie opening her Cutie Cars. Cutie Cars are one of the strokes of genius that toy maker Moose Toys puts out. Toy manufacturers keep coming out with these adorable collectible things and once you start collecting them you feel like you have to get ALL of them (which is sort of impossible because you can never find the limited edition ones except once in a while online at exorbitant prices.) And just when you think you have the whole series, they come out with ANOTHER set. And another. And you can't keep up with it. Or sometimes a line of toys is discontinued. Michelle collects Tsum Tsums and all of a sudden they disappeared. Stores weren't carrying them. They didn't make them anymore. I had to stop buying so many toys. It's just overwhelming. I've had the collecting bug myself for many years. I was collecting stuffed bears and cats and Barbie dolls long before I even knew I'd ever have a child. Now I buy for her it gives me an even better excuse to get her cute things that I love too. But it has to stop! I can't keep up with it! For the love of God, PLEASE STOP MAKING ADORABLE TOYS!<br />
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And then it was Christmas morning. Michelle was excited to find her present from Santa under the tree, in a special bag from the North Pole. She was also happy to see that the cookies she'd left for Santa and the carrots for the reindeer had been taken.<br />
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I love seeing Michelle's excitement, her wide eyed wonder at the magic of Christmas. I wish I'd had that as a kid.<br />
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Michelle opened up her Hatchimals "Hatchibaby" (another marketing genius. Kids love a mystery and opening up eggs to see what's inside. She collects the miniature versions too.) She was anxious to get her Hatchibaby out of the box and hatch it. It took a while.<br />
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"Turn around Bright Eyes!" (Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart," 1983. Sorry. Inside joke. If you weren't a child of the 80s, never mind.)<br />
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Finally her Hatchibaby was out, bright eyes and all. It is quite an experience hatching the egg. It makes little noises and lights up and the shell cracks slowly.<br />
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I was glad that Santa got her what she wanted. I got her lots of things she had asked for as well. Christmas with Michelle is like being a kid again and feeling that excitement and anticipation. It's different when you aren't a child and don't have kids. As an adult, Christmas is nice and all but it loses some of its magic. You can only get so enthused about a new pair of pjs. There is nothing like giving, or getting, a new toy. It is such a joy to share that with Michelle and living vicariously through her.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VPMtiMwycIs/XGKtDDrtdnI/AAAAAAAAVe4/j8fDDqdArKsmNl6DUJ4CUWyDRo47YgHJACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1615.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1295" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VPMtiMwycIs/XGKtDDrtdnI/AAAAAAAAVe4/j8fDDqdArKsmNl6DUJ4CUWyDRo47YgHJACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1615.JPG" width="259" /></a>Ali was quite content to sit with us as Michelle opened her gifts. She got a couple of cat toys. She didn't seem to mind that her human sister had a LOT more presents to open. She was a pretty good sport about posing with a platypus on her head. (OK, yeah I wasn't supposed to be shopping but how do you NOT buy a pink PLATYPUS with a gold beak Beanie Boo? You can't NOT buy it! Just like I had to buy the stuffed narwhal when I saw it. Because some of God's creatures are so unique and out there that you just have to celebrate it and you might as well have a stuffed animal of it! It's a far cry from Teddy Bears and Kitty Cats, let me tell you! I guess you could say I fell off the wagon once or twice. When I had to take my Mom shopping it was almost impossible not to buy anything myself. As I've mentioned I have a weakness for cute and beautiful things. So basically everything that a 6 year old girl would love. When the world is so dark you need to unicorn and rainbow (and platypus) the heck out of it to make it survivable. Let me have this.</div>
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Michelle had asked for this Smithsonian science kit and it was on sale half price so I had to get it. The crystals and gem dig sounded nice and the volcano was cool but the PREHISTORIC SEA MONSTERS gave me the willies. I couldn't imagine how you could hatch a real living prehistoric creature. Still, I wanted to encourage Michelle's scientific curiosity so I was willing to give it a try. We decided we would work on some science experiments and crafts while she was off school in early January. Michelle is learning STEM in school. For those new to the term (they did NOT have this when I was growing up!) it refers to Science Technology Engineering and Math. When I was younger I was interested in Science but I stopped taking it in Grade 11 because I knew that Biology meant dissecting a frog which I simply could not/would not do. I was never a fan of Math and struggled with it. I still managed to get A-s (though 80% instead of 90% like the rest of my classes) but it did not come easy. I remember crying over my three hours a night of math homework thinking it was a fate worse than death. It's such a cliche for girls not to like math. I'd like Michelle to be well-rounded. I'm glad that she likes Math as well as reading and writing. She even got past a grade 3 level in a math game through her school. She was adding and subtracting three digit numbers. They haven't even done anything like that yet in grade one math.<br />
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After opening all of her presents from me, we packed up and headed to my Mom and Dad's for Christmas number 3. More presents for Michelle to open. And even some for me for a change. I don't care so much about getting things myself. It's more fun to give to Michelle. Still it was nice to get things from my Mom. Some of them I'd picked out when we were shopping and she'd said she'd buy them for me. Luckily I'd forgotten about them so it was like a surprise opening them! That's one good thing about having a bad memory. Picking out our own gifts was an easier way for my Mom and I to shop. It took the guesswork out of what to buy. And I don't like just giving gift cards all the time. If there was something my Mom admired in the store and wasn't sure about I'd say "I'll get it for you for Christmas!" and her face would light up.<br />
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And then it was dad's birthday.<br />
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As you can see, above, Michelle made a card for her Grampa with HUNDREDS of kisses and hugs. It was cute.<br />
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My dad doesn't smile in pictures anymore. He always looks slightly bewildered, like he's not really sure what to do. He does still smile and laugh, just not if a camera is pointed at him. Even if you say "Smile!" or "Cheese!" Nada. This was as good as it got. At least Michelle was smiling.<br />
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I was grateful that May agreed to host Dad's birthday party. I always love going to my sister's place.<br />
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Naturally I insisted on getting a group photo as usual.<br />
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Michelle has the biggest smile. My dad, has the smallest. The rest of us are somewhere in between with a slight smirk or neutral face.<br />
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As you can see, it was just May and me and our families. Chris was in Mexico and Mike doesn't make the long drive more than once a month. My Mom said there's a rhyme that goes "A son is a son til he takes a wife. A daughter's a daughter all of her life." I definitely think daughters make more of an effort. I'm glad Michelle is a girl...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KlOAXFiNu-U/XGKuCCuacRI/AAAAAAAAVgU/NMjozYgXCIQNCTcqcniePTZgO5aXI77YwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1758.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="893" data-original-width="1600" height="178" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KlOAXFiNu-U/XGKuCCuacRI/AAAAAAAAVgU/NMjozYgXCIQNCTcqcniePTZgO5aXI77YwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1758.JPG" width="320" /></a>Happy Birthday Dad! Still no smile. I was so grateful we got to have another visit at May's because the family celebration had been cut short with Michelle not feeling well and I was sad that I didn't get a chance to catch up with May. She's my best friend. She always makes me laugh. I always feel better when I talk to her. It was nice talking to Shannon as well. Michelle always has a ball running amok with Reggie.<br />
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We watched a movie May suggested, The Christmas Chronicles. Normally I want nothing to do with Christmas after it's over but I was intrigued to see Kurt Russell as an unconventional, modern version of Santa. It was AMAZING! I absolutely loved it! I was so grateful that I got to see that. It was so cute and funny and totally different from any other Christmas movie I'd ever seen.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Mz_0Z9bJcFA/XGKuRpYYz7I/AAAAAAAAVgs/JrET-Cq9f_gUGfyO-uXicCH_dL8lyX9lwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1769.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1309" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Mz_0Z9bJcFA/XGKuRpYYz7I/AAAAAAAAVgs/JrET-Cq9f_gUGfyO-uXicCH_dL8lyX9lwCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1769.JPG" width="261" /></a>Michelle wanted to go shopping. Good Lord, she's only 6 years old and she already has the shopaholic bug from my Mom and me! I figured we'd go to the Dollar Tree where literally EVERYTHING is $1.25 (I don't know how they do it! All other dollar stores are charging $2 $4 $6 for things now. Which is silly because it's called a DOLLAR STORE but anyway.) We both found some cool stuff. I even found some awesome $35 hardcover books for $1.25! Michelle wanted to use her own money. I reminded her to keep a running tally in her mind. At least it's easier to keep track when you know everything is $1.25. She didn't overspend. She just got a few things she really wanted. I helped her count out her change. Shopping with Michelle is usually the only time I handle cash. I pay everything by credit card. Of course it's easier to get into trouble that way. Harder to spend money if you're limited to what's in your wallet (usually not very much!)<br />
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Michelle actually missed school a little while she was on Christmas break but I tried to keep her busy/entertained. We had a science week where we worked on the STEM kits she got for Christmas. We built the volcano together and it looked pretty good. Unfortunately it didn't quite erupt the way we were expecting. Instead of an eruption it was more like a slow fizzle. Instead of seeing it as a failure I tried to see it as more of an experiment. After all an experiment is just an opportunity to try things, observe and record the results. You never know for sure what will happen. I was trying to see life the same way: not pass or fail, just a fun experiment where you don't know what will happen. And that's OK.<br />
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When I was younger I always felt like I was supposed to do something exciting for New Year's Eve but any time I tried to make big plans they were a fiasco. My favourite New Year's memories are the years where I just took it easy, chilling at home with loved ones. Michelle and me spent New Year's Eve with Grandma. Even though we weren't going out I thought it would be cute to dress up for a photo op. I set up a white backdrop but it fell down and this wound up being my fave shot because it's the most natural and we're all smiling/laughing! Life is an experiment and it often goes wrong!<br />
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I love these shots of Michelle laughing with her missing toothed smile. 2018 had been a strange year with both good and bad moments and even at the worst of times it went SO QUICKLY. Now 2019 was beginning and I didn't know what to expect. I was trying to release expectations. Having expectations sets you up for failure and disappointment.<br />
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For most of my life I've been so results oriented -- everything was black and white, pass or fail. I was extremely hard on myself, feeling the need to be perfect and never even coming close. At least it helped me to do well in school but in life it made me a stressed out, unhappy mess.<br />
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Now I'm reading books on zen, yoga and mindfulness. I'm trying to learn to let things go. To go easier on myself and others. To approach each moment with awareness, acceptance, non-judgment (that's a tough one for me!) To just let things be.<br />
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Life will never be perfect. Things may never turn out quite the way we expect. We don't know what the future holds. Today's world is so uncertain that even if you felt secure in your situation it can change at any moment. As my therapist reminds me, no one is guaranteed tomorrow. As a control freak (though my therapist also says I should stop labeling myself! Labels are for envelopes!) it is very hard for me to let go, to release expectations, to not have the answers. I'm trying to learn. Because life really is a beautiful mess and you can try to set up the perfect backdrop only to have it come crashing down. In an Instagram world where everyone's life seems to be perfect, the reality is that no one's is. We all have our shiny happy moments. We all have our unglamorous painful ones. We are all struggling in some way. We can all embrace the beauty of our lives, which is always there if we look for it.<br />
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I am grateful for every moment of my journey with my girl. I can't believe how far we've come. I look forward to new adventures together. It still scares me a little that I don't know what the future holds but I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to trust myself and the universe a little more. I'm <trying> to be more compassionate with myself and others (this doesn't always work!) I am still a work in progress. I am learning as I go. I'm grateful for therapy which is the hardest work I've ever done but also the most important. I'm working on myself, on healing what's broken and on becoming the person I want to be. I have to cut myself some slack. I get discouraged when I feel like I'm sliding back into old patterns but after all I'm trying to undo a lifetime of conditioning. It's not as though I can just change overnight. Like anything it will take a lot of time, effort and practice. At least I'm working on it. As one of my books on mindfulness says, it's SIMPLE but it's not EASY. Trying to simplify your life can ironically, be the hardest thing in the world... Deep breaths... NOW.Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-20874217312016333322019-01-31T21:12:00.003-05:002019-02-04T11:06:28.836-05:00FALLing apart...<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g7jo45cOk20/XCh1zxdbCnI/AAAAAAAAUXI/VBOINWKx1W8GzH_nY0hTtNaC91tKCK2eACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7198.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1184" data-original-width="1600" height="236" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g7jo45cOk20/XCh1zxdbCnI/AAAAAAAAUXI/VBOINWKx1W8GzH_nY0hTtNaC91tKCK2eACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7198.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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Happy New Year! It's 2019?! Crazy.<br />
An ENTIRE YEAR has passed in the blink of an eye. I can't believe all that's happened. Life is on fast forward. I honestly think that time is speeding up. Enough other people have said the same thing that I think there may actually be something to it. Anyway this post is about the Fall of 2018 (September-October) but I'm just beginning to write it in JANUARY! (Now January is ending as I try to finish it!) Time gets away from me. There never seems to be enough. I fell behind in my posts and can never quite seem to catch up. For a while I thought about just not doing the blog anymore but I still feel compelled to continue it somehow. I need to hold on and this is my way...<br />
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My girls are my happy place. Some days I really need a happy place. I've never really been a fan of Fall. The long, cold, dark grey days without sunshine wear me down. This year was even more complicated. I was still going through therapy. It felt like much of my life and my future was up in the air. I knew what I couldn't go back to. The problem now was where was I going? I tried to take things one day at a time. Sometimes I actually felt better, stronger. But then it seemed like every time I began to find my footing something would pull the rug out from under me again. I still wasn't a fan of adversity. I tried to stay distracted but then unpleasant reality would sneak in and I would feel helpless again.<br />
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We went to see Alpha. Admittedly it wasn't my first choice. I'm a cat person. Watching a movie about a dog, or a myth about "the" dog -- the wolf turned dog that started the ball rolling for domesticating canines -- didn't sound overly appealing. However the previews looked pretty good and Michelle (who loves dogs as well as cats and all animals) really wanted to see it. So I thought what the heck.<br />
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Movies are escapism and to see a film on the big screen and be immersed in that world for a couple of hours is magical. Alpha was EXTRAORDINARY. I was absolutely blown away. It was a nail-biting thriller, breathtakingly beautiful historic epic, and deeply moving story of love and friendship. It was very hard to hold back the tears. It was such a touching story. It was speculative of course but it explained how the relationship between dogs and humans was mutually beneficial.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3tJt1qSmVjw/XFOXRgAW8EI/AAAAAAAAVNY/3mrROQBrO4sn4L8WE30JkBLgC2IjzqfYQCLcBGAs/s1600/Fight%2Bor%2Bflight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="302" data-original-width="880" height="136" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3tJt1qSmVjw/XFOXRgAW8EI/AAAAAAAAVNY/3mrROQBrO4sn4L8WE30JkBLgC2IjzqfYQCLcBGAs/s400/Fight%2Bor%2Bflight.jpg" width="400" /></a>One part of the film that really hit close to home for me was the fight or flight mechanism primitive man used for survival. An evolutionary tool that we still hold onto, for better or worse to this day. It's one thing to read about the amygdala, to see the stress response in yourself, but to really understand where it came from, to see it play out in a scene right before your eyes made it palpable. Fight or flight was a survival instinct from our primitive days when threats were real and you had to be vigilant every moment, prepared to attack or to flee, depending on the threat.<br />
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There is a scene when the tribe is around a campfire and they're on high alert because a predator (jaguar) is in the area. But then it goes quiet. They think he's gone. They let their guards down and relax. Suddenly within SECONDS the cat pounces and snatches up a teenage boy like he's a piece of meat and drags him away. It happens so fast you're left breathless. The scene is jarring and is meant to be. It's a reality check. This was life back then. Relaxing wasn't an option. Those used to be the threats we dealt with. Fight or flight was necessary for survival. But now we don't live in the wild. We aren't hunter gatherers killing for our food and trying to escape creatures higher up the food chain. There aren't vicious carnivores hiding in the darkness waiting to devour us. (Hopefully!) Now we get stressed out in traffic, or at work, over a phone call, something we hear on the news. Daily nuisances, mundane stressors, dangers that are far removed from our lives or are by no means life-threatening can cause us to react (physically and behaviourally) as though they are. Because it is hard-wired into us. A threat is a threat. And when your body is exposed to constant stress, it doesn't know how to relax. Stress changes everything. Your brain, your heart, all of your physical responses. Your nerves are shot. Everything is a threat. I really had to learn to chill to undo the damage that evolution and my own experience had done. I lived so long with chronic stress, sleep deprivation. It got to the point where I was losing my humanity. I was in basic survival mode and I was barely hanging by a thread. But I can relax now. There is no real threat for the most part. I'm relatively safe. Though some bad drivers have come close to killing me, for the most part traffic is just a nuisance. Most of the things I worry about are thoughts, my own catastrophizing, rather than actual, imminent danger. A jaguar is probably not going to lunge out and devour me. (And if he did I'd be tempted to snap a killer picture of him before he got me! What a photo op!)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AaO5KALpBjQ/XCh2gxtbqtI/AAAAAAAAUX8/7o7U-2J7wTINaqcBi_MC4CHuzDklu1w9ACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7218.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1233" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AaO5KALpBjQ/XCh2gxtbqtI/AAAAAAAAUX8/7o7U-2J7wTINaqcBi_MC4CHuzDklu1w9ACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7218.JPG" width="246" /></a>What do you do on a rainy day? Michelle wanted to go to the indoor playground. It always stresses me out a little because I feel like I'm not in control there. It's too big. It's too crowded. There are too many people and I hate that I can't always see her. She runs through the upper level part and disappears and it gives me the creeps. They're mostly kids playing in there but sometimes a couple of dads crawl around with the kids in those things and some of them look borderline sketchy. "Wait does that guy even have a kid?" I worry "Where is she? Is she OK?" I at least got her trained to check in with me intermittently so I know she's alright. She runs amok so much she's usually thirsty and needs to stop for a drink anyway. So she gets a sip of water and I get peace of mind for a couple of seconds. "Oh good. There she is." I need to see her at all times.<br />
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Admittedly the control freak part of me really wants to keep her locked away, safe from the world. I know that I can't. That's not living. I don't want her to be limited by fear. My Mom was governed by fear and now dealing with my own anxiety issues is a real struggle. I want Michelle to feel safe and loved and protected but still free to go out and do her thing and have fun. Even if it means I'm waiting in the wings, worrying. For a control freak, letting go is hard. I try to, for little bits here and there. It's not my favourite. "OK honey. You go have fun. I'll be over here hyperventilating into a paper bag." Some parents don't worry at all. I envy them.<br />
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My girl agrees to stop for a moment or two to snap a souvenir photo with Mama, and a giraffe looking over our shoulders.<br />
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I'm such a photoholic. I can't stop. Sometimes I feel like I'm just the paparazzi, following Michelle around, capturing every moment of her life. Once in a while I feel the need to step in front of the camera to show "I was here too!" I remember looking back at photos from my childhood and there weren't too many pictures of my Mom. She said because she was always the one taking the pictures. Very rarely does something think to say "Hey, you get in a picture too! The kids might as well see that they had a Mom with them most of the time!" Having a self-timer is a godsend to capture pictures of Michelle and I. Sometimes a kind stranger does offer to take our picture but it's rare.<br />
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I love watching Michelle play and have fun. That's the best part of taking her out on excursions, even if they are stressful for me. I love her energy and enthusiasm. I love how outgoing she is and how easily she makes friends. Kind of the opposite of her shy Mama.<br />
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I love this photo! I kept trying to get the perfect shot of her going down the slide. Either they were blurry or I was too soon or too late and then I caught this. Her smile here is priceless. Pure bliss. My happy princess. Even on a bleak, dark, grey, miserable Fall day, she is like a moving flower, bright, beautiful, colourful, full of life and energy and joy. She is my go to happy place. She is my unicorn and rainbow. As long as she is OK, then I can deal with whatever else I have to deal with. Even if I don't like it.<br />
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A local ice cream place was sponsoring a "Hero Day" with people dressed as comic book superheroes along with real life heroes -- firefighters, police and paramedics. I thought it would be a good photo op and proceeds were going to charity so I decided to go. Michelle was excited. As soon as we pulled up I regretted my decision however. It was a mad house. WAY too crowded. I had a hard time finding a parking spot. I couldn't believe how many people were there! Everyone and their brother and their brother's kids were there.<br />
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I can't resist a photo op. Michelle posed with Superman and Super Girl. They told her to do a superhero pose so she's trying to flex her muscles.<br />
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Michelle was having a ball meeting the heroes. Unfortunately there was a long line up for just about everything. Heroes. Hot dogs. And most of all, ice cream.<br />
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Finally after waiting in a line for a while Michelle got to meet (and hold hands with) Wonder Woman and Captain America. They were quite funny. Again, I love a photo op as much as the next guy (or likely much more) but I mostly just wanted to get our ice cream and go. The crowd was getting to me. My feet were tired. We bought our ice cream tickets at the hot dog stand unfortunately we had to line up for the ice cream and the line was like 100+ people deep and didn't seem to be moving. To make matters worse the sky was darkening and I worried we'd get caught in a storm. Of course it couldn't rain on SUPERHERO DAY could it? That would be just cruel. Heroes. Charity. Little kids. God wouldn't do that to us. But it's like they say: No good deed goes unpunished...<br />
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Michelle wasn't a fan of waiting in line either. Her patience was wearing thin.<br />
"Mama this is taking forever."<br />
"You're right. I can't argue. It is literally taking an eternity. Should we just go?"<br />
"No! I want my ice cream!"<br />
"Well we have our tickets. We just have to get to the front of the line."<br />
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I snapped a souvenir picture of us waiting at least to break the monotony. The line didn't seem to be moving AT ALL. The dark clouds and distant thunder were a warning. After investing this much time waiting in line I was committed. We were not giving up. We were getting our dang ice cream!<br />
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It didn't take long for my little unicorn to perk up and find her optimism again. Soon she was having a blast with the other kids while Mama continued to stand in line...<br />
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One of the firefighters was showing kids the hose and created a puddle for them to splash around in. A bunch of kids were frolicking in the water and Michelle asked if she could join them. "Ummmmm...." The control freak/germophobe in me were screaming "OH HELL NO!" but I wanted her to have fun and I figured oh well, what's the harm? (Aside from possibly catching something from splashing in filthy parking lot water with random strangers?) She jumped around and splashed having the time of her life while I stood there with my eye twitching. Oh well. She could dry off at home. Let her have a little fun, right? At least she was running amok and having a ball while I was still stuck in the ice cream line that was NOT MOVING AT ALL! I told her not to move too far away from me. If I can't see you/reach you, I can't save you.<br />
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And then just as I was thinking how not fun and how uncomfortable it would be to be soaking wet like those crazy kids, it started to POUR rain. Lovely. You've got to be kidding me. Now it wasn't just the kids that were soaked to the skin, it was ALL OF US. I didn't have an umbrella. Of course not.<br />
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I couldn't believe it. It was a hot mess. Actually it was a cold mess. With the dark clouds overhead the temperature had dropped dramatically. And being soaking wet we were freezing. We were in Hell. A cold Hell. Hell had frozen over and we were in the ice cream line.<br />
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At least the line thinned out considerably during the torrential downpour and we made it to the front at last. I asked Deadpool if he'd pose for a picture (even though I've never even seen the movie) and he picked Michelle up which was really cute. Even soaking wet I can't resist a good photo op. We grabbed our ice cream, which was ironic at this point when were were freezing to death, and ran across the street in the pouring rain which had now even turned to HAIL?! In the car eating our ice cream, shivering, we laughed and laughed. I thought, this is what life is. Things never go as planned and sometimes they're downright disastrous but you still get to share an experience and if it makes you laugh, it's not a total waste.<br />
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At the end of the day, the money was going to a good cause and it was worth it. The superheroes were fun but the real heroes are the ones who go out in any weather and deal with any situation to help others and try to make the world a better place for everyone. I'm grateful to all the brave emergency services personnel who do that and it was worth a hellish day just to pay tribute to them. And maybe even Mama was a bit of a hero for braving the elements and getting her girl ice cream as promised, against all odds...<br />
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And then, just like that it was the First Day of School! Michelle was ready. She was excited. I love her forced slightly maniacal smile here! Michelle was eager to start school and see her friends again. </div>
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I was neither ready nor excited. Michelle wasn't just going back to school. She was starting GRADE ONE. I was worried. It was a lot of change, which I'm never a fan of. In Kindergarten I got to take her to the Kindergarten pen (a gated area) and walk her directly to her class. It was very controlled. I always had an eye on her dropping her off or picking her up. Now she was going to be going through the main entrance with ALL THE OTHER BIG KIDS from grades 1-6. It was just too much. Too big of a crowd. Too many people. And I couldn't even see her classroom. I didn't like it. Watching her go into the school my heart sank. My little girl was growing up. It's hard to let go. I fought back tears until I got home and then I BAWLED. I just felt out of control. I was still in therapy. I was trying to hold it together. But I felt so fragile. I wanted to be strong for Michelle. Whatever else I may have failed in, I could not fail as a Mom. I wanted to give her the best life I could. I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to see Mama falling apart. Even if I was.</div>
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Michelle had a great first day. Some of her Kindergarten friends weren't in her class anymore but she still got to see them at recess. And she made new friends. Her first day was easier on her than it was on me. At least I got used to the idea of letting her off at the main entrance of the school. I could still see that she got safely inside. Some parents just did the drop off in the parking lot. They let the kids get out and go to the school on their own. I couldn't imagine driving away without watching that Michelle got safely inside. I would always park and walk her right to the door. But everyone is different. Some people seem to have no problem letting go. It's my instinct to want to hold on and protect her. Of course I do have to find the balance and let her go enough so that I'm not smothering her and stopping her from growing, learning, developing and living her life.<br />
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Michelle's class had a VIP table and she was excited that she earned a seat there. I liked getting to see her class. It was different than Kindergarten but still not quite what I expected a Grade One class to look like. I was glad that Michelle liked school and was excited to go because if she had been hesitant it would have been even harder on me. At least now I had a couple of hours to myself during the day to get things done. Having her home all Summer left me with very little time to myself. I'd stopped doing yoga or exercising. Maybe it was because I'd slacked off on self-care that I was feeling more stressed.<br />
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One thing that we always looked forward to in September was the Spirit Halloween store opening. It always seemed strange to me that the store was only open two months but I guess they did enough business in that time to last them the rest of the year? Or they just had the online store the rest of the year for the goths who think every day is Halloween.<br />
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Michelle and me both love Halloween. It was always fun to explore the store. We loved to look at the spooky animatronics and costumes. There was always a special theme. One year it was aliens. Then it was an insane asylum. This time they had a creepy haunted house at the back. Michelle wasn't quite as daring as she had been the year before. She was too scared to go in. Even though it was just a small room with nothing more than cutouts and screaming sounds, Michelle would not go near it. I got a picture with it at least. The screaming was pretty creepy. Even for me.<br />
"Let's get out of here!" she said and we moved to the less horrifying section of the store for a while.<br />
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Michelle wanted to be something sweet instead of scary this year. She picked out an adorable deer costume. It was perfect because usually Halloween night is quite chilly and it sucks to have to stick a winter coat over your costume to be warm enough. A full reindeer body suit was so cozy she could get away with just wearing a long sleeved shirt underneath and wouldn't have to wear a coat. I always have a matching costume so I just got a pair of reindeer antlers so I could be the Mama deer. I wouldn't worry about the rest of me. I'd just wear a brown jacket and be done with it.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M_iaRU6W18g/XCh4yGnmUOI/AAAAAAAAUcg/szJrtGTpfU4i6hNB7s22LiYF5XFk2FggACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7337.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1103" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M_iaRU6W18g/XCh4yGnmUOI/AAAAAAAAUcg/szJrtGTpfU4i6hNB7s22LiYF5XFk2FggACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7337.JPG" width="220" /></a>We tried on some rainbow wigs just for fun because why not? They were really cute but a little too pricey to consider. Maybe if she was going to be a unicorn or a fairy.<br />
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Sometimes I'll see a girl with pink or turquoise hair and I'll think "That's so cool, so daring!" I wish I had the nerve to do something like that although at my age I suppose I'd look a bit ridiculous. Then again, you're never too old to express yourself. For now I just draw/paint girls with turquoise and pink hair.<br />
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Most of the time I don't even think about my hair. I just stick it in a ponytail because it's easy. My already thin hair has been that much thinner since having Michelle and isn't showing any signs of thickening. Michelle was worth the sacrifice. My hair and my tummy may never be the same. Oh well.<br />
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Another thing Michelle was looking forward to in September was starting ballet. She was so excited. I was excited for her. It had been my dream as a child and I didn't get to take lessons. I had to register her in the Summer to start classes in the Fall. It was scary because I didn't know what was going to happen or what my schedule would be or anything but I just took a chance because I didn't want Michelle to miss out on the opportunity.<br />
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I was wishing I could sit in on the class to watch her and take photos but instead I had to wait outside and just watch through a small window. At least I convinced Michelle to let me get a couple of shots after her class.<br />
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She loved it. Watching my little ballerina was like watching my inner child beaming. Michelle will get to do the things I only dreamed of. I want everything for her. I want her to have everything I missed out on. It's like getting to live a second time but getting it right. It means the world to me. I want to support her in whatever she wants to do.<br />
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This would have been such a sweet photo if there wasn't a big white blob over my face. My camera was getting on my last nerve. The scratches on the lens ruined so many shots. If it was a distant shot outdoors maybe you'd get lucky and the cloud would be hidden among real clouds. A close-up shot of a face however was another story. I'm such a creature of habit and so resistant to change that I will hold onto things WAY longer than I should. Even a camera with a scratched lens when I'm a photoholic and should absolutely have a camera that works. Most people replace things like phones, computers etc every couple of years. I held on to things for 10+ years. My laptop was on its last legs and kept having issues. My 10 year old vacuum didn't work properly. My old cellphone (which was actually someone else's used cellphone) was pretty much obsolete. I just tried to make do as long as I could to save the expense and hassle of change. Of course Fall is the season of change. The leaves turn colours and fall. Summer turns into Winter. Time kept going by. I kept trying to slow it down.<br />
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It was "Grandparents' Day" so Michelle and I paid a visit to Gramma and Grampa. Michelle made them a Grandparents' Day card.<br />
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I asked my Mom what she wanted to do for the day. She wanted to go to the local Home Show. When I looked at the flyer there was a bird show there which I thought Michelle might enjoy so it didn't sound too bad and Mom had coupons so it was free to get in. Can't argue with free.<br />
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Most of the show was just home renovation and home decor displays as well as travel -- all things that I couldn't afford and had no interest in. I just wandered around aimlessly and then sat and waited for the birds of prey show to start. Michelle looked around for free stuff -- pencils, chocolates, colouring books. Grampa kept finding things for her.<br />
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It was pretty cool to see birds of prey up close. I got a photo of Michelle next to a hawk before the show started. My Mom loves birds. We have a running joke from years ago when one of my brother's friends asked Mom "Mrs. Pincivero, do you like birds?" and he gave her a bird figurine as a gift. I guess he could tell she loved birds judging by the fact that she had about 100 bird knick knacks all around the house. One guy I dated remarked that he had never seen so many birds in HALF a bird cage. We laughed and laughed. My Mom had a strange white metal decorative half bird cage on a stand for some reason and had filled it with a wide assortment of birds of various sizes. I was so used to seeing all the clutter in my Mom's house that I took no notice of it. When you really studied it closely it was absurd. My Mom is a bit of a hoarder so she collects a lot more than birds. Her house is a hodge podge of just about everything that you can think of. There isn't a square inch of space to be seen on any piece of furniture anywhere. It's all covered. I have to be careful because I'm a bit of a maximalist myself. I have a lot of things too. And, my Mom is quick to point out, she's a lot older than me. By the time I'm her age I might have 100 birds too. I probably have well over 100 stuffed bears and cats.<br />
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The coolest part of the show was when the handler had the birds fly back and forth overhead. It was amazing to be that close to these powerful birds. So close that sometimes their talons slightly grazed the top of your head as they flew by. Michelle loved it. My Mom loved it too. I was amazed. I was glad that we stuck around for the show. Even though I had to sit and wait for hours bored to tears while my Mom wandered around checking out the home improvement booths for services she would never use.<br />
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The show was pretty cool. We all enjoyed it. Afterward I took my parents and Michelle out to dinner and we headed back home.<br />
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Michelle loves her grandparents. She doesn't see them as often as she used to but I always make a point of visiting with them when we can. I was glad that we got to spend Grandparents' Day with them. Even though I don't recall there being a Grandparents' Day before. They seem to invent new "days" every day now. On Twitter it seems that just about every single day is "National This or That Day." A lot of it is just a marketing ploy.<br />
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Michelle is my unicorns and rainbows. She's my happy place. My walking Disney movie. Her world is all sweetness and light, everyone is smiling, the sun is shining. It's a world that I want to inhabit and for the most part, with her, I can.<br />
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Unfortunately the rest of the world is not all unicorns and rainbows. I tried to avoid distressing things as much as possible (not watching the news, not spending too much time online) but it seemed to catch up to me. My Mom would tell me things. I'd come across things. The world was in rough shape and everyone was feeling it to some degree. I just wanted to avoid and stay distracted from the nightmare that the world could be. My therapist(s) warned me that avoidance and distraction aren't always the best ways to deal with stress. They don't always work. The key is not to avoid all uncomfortable and distressing emotions but to be able to deal with them.<br />
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My therapist gave me homework to practice accepting distressing emotions and stepping outside my comfort zone. I hadn't watched a scary movie in a long time but I watched a thriller just to practice feeling anxiety/stress in a safe way. It was homework. I couldn't not do my homework. So I forced myself to watch "Kidnap" at my sister's place. As scary movies go I couldn't have found one more personally disturbing for me as a Mom! Losing Michelle would be my worst nightmare. In the film the mother is at the park with her child. She looks away for a moment while she's on the phone and turns back to see him being taken away, dragged to a car by a stranger. She has to chase the kidnappers. It is a non-stop action-packed white-knuckled ride from start to finish. At least it has a happy ending. But I was a wreck. This was no Disney movie. This was the kind of stress I tried to avoid. I understood the logic behind exposure therapy. But truly, if someone is afraid of scorpions is it really a good idea to throw a scorpion on them and say "Here you go! Conquer your fear!" or even to make them watch a movie about scorpions?<br />
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My heart was pounding. It was hard for me to put myself through that anxiety. But I survived it. It helped that it was just a movie. I was safe. It wasn't real. I had exposed myself to distressing emotions and lived to tell the tale. My therapist said that I was very brave to have done that. Unfortunately it felt like I'd opened a can of worms. I had invited the darkness in. More darkness would come to call...<br />
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One night I couldn't sleep. I got up to use the washroom and made the mistake of reading the paper. Aside from looking at the flyers I NEVER read the paper but for some reason on this particular night in the wee hours, I decided to read the news. (WHY THOUGH?!) Stupid. I already couldn't sleep so why not make my insomnia 100 times worse I guess? I came across a horrifying article on scientists and climate change. It basically warned we're heading toward apocalypse. We have less than 12 years to drastically change our ways or we're doomed. If the average global temperature goes up by 2 degrees, we're screwed. PS -- we're already at +1.5 and of course we're seeing the effects with some of the worst natural disasters in history occurring more and more often.<br />
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There is only so much that we as individuals can do -- reduce, reuse, recycle etc. It is the government and big business that can make the biggest changes to reduce our carbon footprint. But will they? With selfish, short-sighted imbeciles like Trump who deny climate change, who care more about profit than people or the planet and don't seem to worry that there may not be a world for their children and grandchildren in the future, it looks pretty darn bleak. He wanted to bring back COAL for crying out loud. (#ImpeachTrump by the way. But I try not to follow his stupidity online as much anymore. It's too frustrating.) Anyway, suffice it to say that after reading about the likelihood of Armageddon within my life time, not surprisingly my insomnia got worse. I was worried enough about my own life and now I was terrified for the Earth. This wasn't sci-fi conjecture, this was real science warning us what we've done to the Earth, how bad it is and how bad it could get. It was a bit of a deja-vu my sudden obsession with doomsday. Maybe it's a Fall/Winter thing. Last year I tortured myself by studying all the horrible things that had happened in 2017 and wrote a blog about it. At least I didn't do that for 2018. I did however torture myself even further by researching more about climate change and the danger we were facing watching news shows and reading articles online. I got myself into a totally stressed out state. After all the work I had done in therapy and all the progress I thought I'd made, now it felt like I was back where I started. A panic stricken mess. But things were going to get even worse. Once you go into the darkness, the darkness gets into you...<br />
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I fell on some dark days. It seemed little by little any sense of stability I thought I had was slipping away. My doctor who I had known for decades, who had delivered Michelle, who had helped me through so many rough times and knew all about my struggles, retired. It was heartbreaking to lose her. She was like a family member. Her practice was taken over by a new young doctor. I met the new doctor and she was nice enough but it was distressing to think that someone who knew nothing about me was now in charge of my medical care, part of which was red tape, forms to fill out etc. There was a lot of red tape. I felt like I was in a precarious position. I didn't know where things stood. I'm someone that likes to have my ducks in a row and now I didn't even know if I had any ducks. It seemed every day there was something else to worry about. I had a series of disturbing emails and calls. I was grateful for my therapy but unfortunately part of the process involved going through the ringer -- filling out forms, having interviews, sharing much of my life, history and health with strangers. Reliving my trauma over and over again wasn't pleasant. I didn't want to go there. I just wanted to forget about it. Not that I could. Now it felt like my life wasn't even my own. Like nothing was private. There were times I felt like I was under a microscope. It felt invasive. I stressed every time I was asked to do something -- more forms, more exposure, surrendering more and more control. I was always cooperative. As my therapist said, I was the most cooperative/obedient patient ever. I was one of the few who actually DID their homework. Any book she suggested, I read. Any exercise she asked me to try, I would do. Whatever I was asked I would complete to the nth degree but it wasn't always easy. I tried to focus on the present but it was tough. I wasn't doing yoga much anymore. There never seemed to be time to find my zen. Instead I would dwell on the past and worry about the future. I didn't know what the future held. I felt helpless. I'm someone who needs to feel in control and when I don't I sort of spiral. There were so many things beyond my control. It got to the point where I'd answer the phone or read my email and think "Good God. Now what?"<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5f8jNZIaM4s/XCh6xw6RmjI/AAAAAAAAUfY/k7WUnJQGS1E2tHHrDnla2WJ6zy6TsGYnACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7483.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5f8jNZIaM4s/XCh6xw6RmjI/AAAAAAAAUfY/k7WUnJQGS1E2tHHrDnla2WJ6zy6TsGYnACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7483.JPG" width="240" /></a>One day I checked my email and found the most disturbing one of all. One of my accounts had been hacked. Purchases had been made on my credit card. I called immediately. It was sorted out. Several accounts had been hacked. They tracked one hacker to somewhere overseas, one to the U.S. The whole thing gave me the creeps. I wouldn't be charged. It was all cancelled but I was shaking. My heart was pounding. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt invaded. I had to cancel my credit card, change the passwords on my accounts. It was a hassle and worse than that I felt threatened. I'd been told not to take it personally. This happens all the time now. This is just the world we're in. But it felt like I had lost something. For a while home had been my sanctuary. Now I didn't even feel safe at home. Even on my computer a hacker could somehow get in. When I spoke to security on the phone they said how common it is now. Even big businesses, government organizations have been hacked. Entire databases. No one is safe. It was discouraging and terrifying.<br />
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Of course it could have been even worse. I spoke to a neighbour who had their car stolen. It was recovered but they couldn't get it back anyway because it had been used for drugs and wouldn't be safe. Once fentanyl touches your car it's a write-off. It would cost $10K to gut the car inside and at that rate you might as well get a new car. I lived in a pretty safe neighbourhood but stuff happens everywhere. I tried not to think about it. I had spent months trying not to think about the ugliness of the world. No one was safe. Around the world horrors beyond our worst nightmare were unfolding every day. My Mom was always calling to tell me about terrible stories in the news -- natural disasters, freak accidents, horrific tragedies. I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to know. But was it right to bury your head in the sand? Ignore it? Pretend it wasn't happening? Shouldn't you be informed? I didn't want to be inundated. I wanted to live in a safe, beautiful rated G world with Michelle. Was there a middle ground between rainbow and unicorns and binge-watching CNN? My therapist says I tend to think in terms of black and white. You think?!<br />
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And then as if I wasn't enough of a nervous wreck, one night there was a knock at the door. It was 8:30 pm. Who the heck would come to the door at that hour? I thought it might be an emergency or something. I opened the door against my better judgment. There were two young males in their 20s. The taller thinner one did all the talking. He apologized for the late hour. "We missed you earlier." Michelle and I had been out. Then he was going on about working on water in the area. He seemed to be posing as a city worker. I instinctively knew that he wasn't with the city. Then he mentioned water filtration. I rolled my eyes. I had heard about water filtration scams. Unsuspecting elderly people had been bilked out of thousands of dollars by scam artists that would install bogus water filtration systems and then charge an insane amount of money for them. Some salesmen were so aggressive they wouldn't take no for an answer. They'd make it seem like you didn't have a choice. I knew I had a choice. I wasn't having it. My amygdala was like "Aw HELL NO!" Sometimes fight or flight is a good thing. Sometimes you're not paranoid -- they really are against you! He was aggressive. He tried to get into the house. "We just need to come in for a minute." I almost screamed "Are you OUT OF YOUR F-ING MIND A-HOLE?!" Instead I blurted "I'm NOT letting you into my house in the middle of the night! I'm not interested. Bye!" and quickly shut and locked the door.<br />
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I was shaking. I felt nauseous. It just didn't feel right. I couldn't calm down. I couldn't shake the feeling. He almost had his foot in the door. It gave me the creeps. "Who was that Mama?" Michelle was in the bath upstairs. I started to think I shouldn't have opened the door at all. What was I thinking? What if he had forced his way in? Did he know I was a single Mom? That I was alone? I started to get paranoid. I have vertical blinds in the kitchen that keep falling down (they're broken and I tape them up but they don't stay.) I suddenly really wanted everything sealed up and private. I was scared. I didn't want anyone to see in. I'd heard about prowlers in the night, going through backyards, checking doors. There were break ins when people were out. There were home invasions when people were home. Suddenly I was wishing I had padlocks everywhere and a huge attack dog.<br />
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I called the police to give them a description of the suspicious males just in case. Just to have them check the area for my peace of mind. But my mind had no peace. I couldn't sleep that night. I didn't feel safe anymore. The hackers. The creeps at the door. The world going to hell in a hand basket. The horrors in the news. The impending Apocalypse. We weren't safe. None of us. Even at home. All of my months of self-care and therapy. Trying to find my zen. Trying to focus on the beautiful things. It felt like I was losing it all. I went to my therapist sobbing. Sleep deprivation never helps either. She was somewhat comforting. She tried to tell me that the losses don't undo the wins. I had made a lot of progress. But life is not all unicorns and rainbows. There would be unpleasant things to deal with. I could deal with them. When there was a problem I responded immediately. I did what I could. And in the end it was OK. I was safe.<br />
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Knowing my interest in art, my therapist sometimes incorporated it into my homework. One of my assignments was to DRAW my anxiety. What would it look like if it was a creature or a character? Immediately I thought of a scorpion -- a creepy, sinister looking insect that can sting at any moment. (I've been stung by a few Scorpios in my day.) Scorpions are to me the most horrifying-looking real life creatures there are. Unfortunately when I tried to draw it, my version did not look as scary as I had planned. Not even close. I shouldn't have given it eyes. Creatures without eyes are way more disturbing. (Think of HR Giger's Aliens.) Eyes are the windows to the soul. No eyes, no soul. So my Anxiety Scorpion was a bit of a fail. Then I thought of a dragon. I imagined my anxiety as a sharp-toothed scaly fire-breathing dragon. Once more I wasn't able to translate my vision onto paper. It turned out a bit too cutesy and cartoonish (as you can see below.) Next I envisioned a horrified face like in Edvard Munch's "The Scream" -- that was getting closer to conveying how anxiety made me feel but it wasn't exactly original. Munch's Scream was an iconic symbol of the anxiety, isolation and uncertainty facing us in modern times. And that was back in 1893.<br />
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And then one night when I couldn't sleep and my stomach was churning I started to draw a self-portrait of how I felt and I realized that THAT was the best image of my anxiety. The scorpion's sting and the dragon's sharp teeth were in my brain and my gut. Unlike my zen watercolours and portraits with soothing colours and round edges, my anxiety portraits featured harsh ugly colours -- grey, yellow, brown, black, blood red and jagged lines. When I showed my therapist my work she said that she saw more anger than anxiety in some of the drawings (the dragon and scorpion especially). Anger and anxiety are inextricably linked. When my anxiety is heightened, when I feel threatened it provokes my anger too. I become irritable. It's a vicious cycle. Anger and anxiety ARE fight or flight. It's one or the other when you're threatened. Stress and fear leads to sleep deprivation, feeling on edge which then makes me irritable. I hate feeling anger or anxiety. I hate feeling threatened and being in defense mode. I didn't want to go there again. For months I had been trying to stay in my happy places and focus on peaceful things, trying to avoid anything that made me feel angry, scared or stressed out. But sometimes I couldn't. I would have good days where I felt relatively calm and at peace, where I found my zen but I never seemed to be able to hold onto it. And lately there were too many things disturbing my peace. Was it because I had watched that movie? Had I invited the darkness in again? Or was it just a coincidence?<br />
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My therapist suggested I practice affirmations. My mind had been trained to catastrophize, to label, to focus on the negative, but I could retrain my mind to think in ways that were healthier and more helpful. My life coach was saying the same things. One day she said something that really clicked. I was always very hard on myself, negative, critical. It made me feel fragile. I didn't give myself much credit so I didn't really trust myself. One day she suggested that I talk to myself the way I would to Michelle. I would NEVER call Michelle stupid (the way I do to myself all the time.) My therapist(s) suggested I talk to myself in the gentle, compassionate, encouraging way I do to Michelle. I decided to try it and I noticed that I was feeling better and trusting myself more. Just like I said to Michelle "You got this." I would say to myself, "I got this!" and I realized I did, most of the time. I couldn't let a few bad experiences undermine my confidence. The truth was that even during the bad experiences I was able to take control and do what I needed to do. It just wasn't pleasant. At all. I had to face the fact that life would not always be pleasant.<br />
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The beach was a great idea and we pretty much had it to ourselves. It was Fall but it was still as warm as Summer and we might as well enjoy it while we still could. Listening to the seagulls overhead. Watching the calm lake, sitting under the palm tree and the sunshine I could feel some of my stress melt away. I felt like myself again. Ugliness and chaos were my triggers for anxiety. The things that I couldn't deal with. The things that I didn't want to see. Beauty and order were my zen, they helped me to breathe and to feel OK again. What I really needed to learn and practice was finding my zen amid the chaos. But we're not designed that way. Fight or flight is there because when faced with danger (real or imagined) we need to be vigilant, alert and take action for survival. What I needed then was maybe just to not overreact to situations. Take action when needed but don't let it consume me and dwell on it for hours. Deal with it and let it go. Unfortunately I had a tendency to overthink and dwell on everything ad nauseum.<br />
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I want Michelle to always feel safe and happy. I don't want her ever to worry. I try to shield her from the stressors that sometimes overwhelm me. Kids shouldn't have to worry. They should be carefree to just have fun and be kids. So I tried to restrict my tears and traumas to my therapist's office and the hours when Michelle was at school. With Michelle I tried to be the happy Disney Mom, all smiles and rainbows. Of course she knows I'm going through therapy. She sees me cry sometimes. Mama is not made of stone. Not by a long shot. Luckily for the most part being with Michelle is my happy place and she makes me smile.<br />
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Michelle wanted to put on a fashion show. I'm always game because it's an excuse to take pictures of her and she gladly poses. She wanted to try on different dresses for picture day. This was the unicorn option. A floral dress with a unicorn headband. I love her little poses: the curtsy, the hands clasped together. Honestly I could take hundreds of photos of her. I have always loved taking pictures and there is no subject on the planet that I love as much as my little girl!<br />
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I remember back when I had a film camera and went every week to get rolls developed. At one point the guy in the photo lab commented about my baby (my niece.) "She's not even mine!" I explained. I was taking hundreds of pictures and she wasn't even my own baby. At the time I couldn't have imagined I ever would have my own child. Now with digital cameras you don't have to take film in to be developed. I have tens of thousands of photos on the computer. I do want to print my faves and make albums but it will be a herculean task to say the least. I'm several years behind.<br />
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Michelle decided to go with the Princess look for photo day -- gold and ocean blue dress with a gold tiara. I love my Princess. I reminded her to smile nicely for the photo. I always get the school photo no matter what it's like. My Mom NEVER bought my school photos and I took it personally because she bought my brothers' now and then. She said mine were never good enough. Pretty much summed up how I felt most of my life -- not good enough. I always felt like the ugly duckling in my family. My sister and brothers were so attractive. At least I was smart, did well in school, of course my wisdom/judgment/intelligence in real life was another story! Like they say: book smarts vs street smarts. It was tough being the middle child and feeling like the odd one out in many ways. I always felt like the least loved or noticed and knocked myself out to get any attention at all.<br />
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Michelle never has to worry about not being good enough. I praise her constantly. She gets all of my love and attention. I try to give her everything I didn't have growing up.<br />
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Michelle wanted to do a show with the starry night light that we'd gotten. I decided to experiment with some low exposure shots. The results were sort of terrifying. Because she was moving and the shutter was so slow she looks kind of translucent, ghostly. These photos are creepy but they're so cool I am fascinated by them. Michelle found them scary too. It is amazing what you can do with movement and light. Photography is sort of magical to me. Even the shots that don't quite work out. You are freezing a moment, catching light and motion. That fleeting instant becomes a picture that will last forever. It never ceases to amaze me. I snap a lot of pictures. Many of them don't turn out very well, especially with my old camera with a scratched up lens. But sometimes I get lucky and the results are surprising. Magic.<br />
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Michelle is my light in the darkness, my magical fairy. She is a force of nature. I feel lucky to photograph her.<br />
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Michelle LOVED ballet. I was sort of jealous. As a child I had always wanted to take ballet and piano more than anything. I remember when friends would complain they had to go to piano lessons or ballet lessons as though it was such a chore. I thought they were so lucky. My Mom always said we couldn't afford it. Ballet is something you have to start when you're young. I wanted Michelle to have that. It had been my dream and it was hers too. I wanted to encourage and support her in whatever she wanted to do but I was secretly overjoyed that she preferred ballet and piano to say, sports. (Thank goodness because sports are VERY expensive and I have less than zero interest in playing or watching them. I would have faked it for her sake if I had to but it would have been difficult.)<br />
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My Mom was always saying how much Michelle was like me. Now she would get to do the things I always wanted to do. It's like getting to live a second time but getting it right.<br />
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Michelle had fun in ballet. I was disappointed I didn't get to sit in on the classes. I had to wait out in the hallway with the other Moms and we could just watch through a small window in the door. I did get to talk to a couple of other friendly Moms at least waiting for their girls.<br />
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When the class was over I told Michelle that I wanted to get some photos so she obliged me.<br />
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Michelle is far more flexible than I ever was. I always wished I could do the splits but you have to start when you're very young before you lose your flexibility. If you don't take gymnastics or ballet you wouldn't have a need for it. Yoga has given me some flexibility but not to that degree. And I was an adult before I started yoga. At least it has given me balance. I can still do a headstand all these years later.<br />
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Leaping for joy! Literally. I used to love doing flying leaps, just for fun. In my 20s I was a bit silly (well I'm still quite silly however I usually restrain myself from doing flying leaps randomly in public now). When I would go out clubbing with friends I would sometimes run and jump into the air for photos or videos. Whenever I saw a long expanse of space, a long corridor etc, I was compelled to fly. Once I even did a leap in Rome (see photo below) and my boyfriend was able to capture it in a photo. I love Michelle's leaps. I imagine that one day, if she continues to do ballet, she will be able to make the breathtaking "grand jeté" defying gravity while doing the splits in the air. My Mom always tries to put a damper on things. "She wouldn't want to be a dancer. It's a rough life and ballet ruins your feet." But it's so beautiful. Besides, Michelle doesn't have to be a dancer. She also writes and paints and she talks about being a scientist and saving animals. She can do anything she wants. The point is to let her dream and encourage her to go after her dreams. Instead of trying to poo poo everything she enjoys. My Mom was always there to poo poo on my dreams.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0m0IqxnPTfw/XFJntqdYb0I/AAAAAAAAVMg/u1Gyn8SYnaoniesjZl7LfnLZpv6dDgzJQCLcBGAs/s1600/flying%2Bleap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="980" data-original-width="1400" height="224" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0m0IqxnPTfw/XFJntqdYb0I/AAAAAAAAVMg/u1Gyn8SYnaoniesjZl7LfnLZpv6dDgzJQCLcBGAs/s320/flying%2Bleap.jpg" width="320" /></a>My therapist recommended I read "Healing the Inner Child" -- since there are issues I've been carrying since childhood, long before my breakdown. I never felt good enough. I never believed in myself. I made a few half-hearted attempts to go after my dreams and gave up. I never really felt like I deserved to be happy. I gravitated toward relationships and jobs that wouldn't meet my needs, that would hurt me, drain and deplete me. I stayed too long in situations that were toxic because I didn't respect myself enough to take care of myself. Having Michelle is like having a living embodiment of my inner child. She is a younger me, full of magic and dreams. Only she has the confidence in herself that I never had. She feels safe and unconditionally loved as I never did. The world is her oyster. Seeing her happy is the greatest healing I could ever have. Therapy is teaching me so much about myself and about life. I'm realizing so many things, seeing patterns in my life. Still, looking back, even at my mistakes, I wouldn't change a thing. It all had to happen to lead me here. I am so grateful for my girl. I am even grateful for the heartbreaks because if life hadn't unfolded just this way, if I began to unravel the tapestry of my history then it would all be different. And despite the bad things in my life I wouldn't trade the good things for the world. And it's a package deal. If I changed one thing along my path I would have ended up somewhere else. Being Michelle's Mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. So I don't regret any of it.<br />
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Our annual family trip to Wasaga Beach fell through in August due to inclement weather so Mikey suggested we do it in September to celebrate his birthday. The weather this time was perfect. We all had a blast. Even my dad got into the water for a bit (which is a rare occurrence.) Of course I had to get the group photo. We got some odd looks the whole gang of us posing on the beach. Chris couldn't make it but the rest of us were there. It's always nice to get together with family. Michelle loves it too. We are such a small family the two of us yet we are also part of this huge Pincivero tribe.<br />
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Michelle had a ball in the water. I enjoyed it too although at one point I had a bit of a panic attack. The water is usually shallow for quite a distance out. This time there were parts that were deeper when you weren't expecting it. Maybe due to storms throughout the Summer. The water levels had risen, sands had shifted. You would be up to your knees and all of a sudden there was a deep part. Then it would get shallow again. It was scary going through the deep to get to the next shallow. I was sort of terrified. I don't like when I go to step down and can't touch the bottom. The control freak in me really doesn't enjoy being in over my head. Especially literally. My Mom was a bit freaked out by it too. We can swim but we avoid deep water and we don't like to get our faces wet. I am my Mom in a few ways and that is one of them. No underwater swimming for me. I use my contact lenses and makeup as an excuse but it's more than that. Ironically I love the water but I am also deathly afraid of it. For good reason. My father drowned when he was younger and almost died. I have drowned once in my life, as a child and it was terrifying. For a control freak, losing control, being in too deep is my worst fear.<br />
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After our trip to the beach we went to a restaurant for dinner. It was nice to have the whole gang there. A waitress kindly took our photo. I was amazed that we all got in it.<br />
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I wish we could get together more often but it's hard with Mike living so far away. At least I see my Mom and May pretty often. I can't imagine not seeing them. I am glad that we're a close family. My Mom and sister have gotten me through many tough times. Of course my Mom isn't exactly comforting when I'm stressed out. May is a little better at calming me down. Still I do appreciate having my Mom there. Even if she drives me crazy sometimes! She calls me every day.<br />
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My Princess and her friend on picture day. Some of the kids weren't quite so dressed up. I'm glad that Michelle is a girly girl and loves to dress up. Some girls won't even wear dresses. I remember going through a phase growing up when I wouldn't wear dresses. Then ironically I went through a spell where I wanted to dress up all the time. These days I want to be comfortable and casual more than anything but I do still love beautiful clothes and it is nice to dress up once in a while. Again I get to live vicariously through Michelle. I don't think in my entire life I ever had such fancy gowns and I never wore a tiara. I don't think they even made headbands like that when I was a kid. I remember wearing a flower headband made of wool that my Mom or my great Aunt made. It was pretty cheesy now that I think about it. But it was the 1970s and no one seemed to know how tacky they looked. My Mom/Aunt made "tea cozies," doll dresses and accessories out of wool. Thinking about them makes me nostalgic. I actually wish I had some of them now.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tlvxjufBtMQ/XCh87bwyK9I/AAAAAAAAUlA/XasTzejvKJ8uAM7rMYRGF5ZCOvc7Ume6wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7756.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1222" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tlvxjufBtMQ/XCh87bwyK9I/AAAAAAAAUlA/XasTzejvKJ8uAM7rMYRGF5ZCOvc7Ume6wCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7756.JPG" width="244" /></a>Michelle assured me that she had smiled for her school picture. I wouldn't know until the proofs came in the next month but I trusted her. I rewarded her with a Smile Cookie. Tim Hortons creates smile cookies for charity sometimes. I couldn't resist getting a couple of them. I wish they had the smile cookies all the time but I guess then they wouldn't be special.<br />
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I remember once I asked a Tim Hortons worker to make a sad face cookie for me to give a friend who was leaving. Tims actually did it and it was really cute. Why don't they do emoji cookies all the time? You could get an angry one if you're having a bad day, or a sad one, happy ones, meh ones. (If anyone uses this idea I would like royalties please! LOL) Seriously, who couldn't use an emoji cookie to help them get through the day?!<br />
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There was a new playground and it was finally finished. It seemed a shame that the whole Summer had gone by and now it was Fall and kids would barely get to use it. The kids loved it though. Every one seemed to love the spinning thing the best. Sometimes there were huge lineups of kids waiting to go on it. Michelle was thrilled when she finally got her turn. It didn't seem very practical when you're wearing a dress but she had shorts underneath.<br />
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"<br />
I was getting dizzy just watching her. I was afraid she'd stumble off like a drunken sailor and bang her head but she was OK.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9f5PPoCzMdM/XCh9mHgB2bI/AAAAAAAAUmI/vhNg0wD0Nfg3EQ3il5nqqzrYzhcrXU_bwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7794.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9f5PPoCzMdM/XCh9mHgB2bI/AAAAAAAAUmI/vhNg0wD0Nfg3EQ3il5nqqzrYzhcrXU_bwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7794.JPG" width="240" /></a>While we were there the designer of the park came by and asked how we liked it. Then he asked another parent and me whether we'd mind if he took some pictures of the kids playing on the equipment. We both said of course not, go ahead. He told us that some parents strongly objected to having photos taken of their kids. The other parent shook his head. "Pfft. God forbid you take pictures of kids having fun!" Being a photoholic I find it impossible NOT to take pictures of my life and since having Michelle she is the most important thing in my life. These days people photograph everything. Even their dinner and put it on Instagram. But everyone is different. I remember taking Michelle to IKEA to play in the ball area and photography is strictly forbidden. They said it was in case other kids were in the picture. Even when Michelle was alone and no kids were near her they still wouldn't let me take a picture. "Then I'll just never come here again!" I thought. Michelle was almost too tall to even go in there so we likely wouldn't be back anyway. I feel like if I don't get a picture of it it's like it never happened and there's no point! Honestly if I couldn't take photos I wouldn't enjoy myself ANYWHERE doing ANYTHING because if anything cute or beautiful happened it would KILL me that I couldn't capture it.<br />
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My Mom was always saying I shouldn't have pictures of Michelle online but I've been blogging and sharing my story and photos since before she was born. This blog was part of what helped me get through the scary months on my own. I don't see the harm in posting photos online. Michelle has even had her picture in the newspaper. I would let her be on TV if she had the opportunity. I don't want to live in fear. To me you have to live your life as you see fit and do what makes you happy. It's not fair to tell someone else how to live their lives or to make you wrong for something that is meaningful to you. I'm a photoholic. I gotta be me!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HY7e5ahwK5g/XCh9m1WZa8I/AAAAAAAAUmQ/wb1kwhUlxqgqU4ERV7I6bQLyMyx5b0FuwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7800.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1158" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HY7e5ahwK5g/XCh9m1WZa8I/AAAAAAAAUmQ/wb1kwhUlxqgqU4ERV7I6bQLyMyx5b0FuwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7800.JPG" width="230" /></a>My Mom doesn't even OWN a computer. She doesn't understand my need to share things online on my blog, Twitter or Youtube. This is something I've done for years. Of course if it was up to my Mom I'd never do ANYTHING! She's always trying to talk me out of going on any excursions or anything, always telling me about this or that terrible thing in the news and trying to scare me against going anywhere. As much as I am a control freak to an extent and am fiercely protective of Michelle, I don't want to live a sheltered life and never do anything. I want to share adventures with Michelle. Taking photos and posting them is my way of celebrating our happy moments together. I wouldn't trade that for the world. If I could afford to I would love to travel. My Mom has never even been on a plane and has no desire to. She lives in a prison of her own making and fear is her master. Despite my anxiety I still want to get out and do things because you have to. Life is meant to be LIVED fully.<br />
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Michelle had fun in the yard with her sandbox and her little golf set from the dollar store. There's is nothing like being outside in the fresh air. You might as well enjoy it while it lasts since you'll be cooped up through the long cold Winter. After school she always wanted to go to the park. On a beautiful day how could I say no?<br />
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Another day, another ride on the whirling thing. It just never gets old. It's so fun when you're a kid to spin around and around. There is something spiritual about it, to spin like a whirling dervish, mystical, magical, to feel wild and free and at one with the universe. Of course it's different when it's your mind that's spinning. My thoughts would spin out of control sometimes. Anxiety could spin me to the point where I was dizzy and sick and didn't know how to stop. Until I would just stop and breathe. And try to silence the cacophony of endless thoughts.<br />
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Getting into the spirit of Halloween we went to see The House with the Clock in its Walls. The preview looked awesome and I couldn't resist an opportunity to see Jack Black and Cate Blanchett in a movie together. They were AMAZING! The movie was even better than I expected. I loved it so much. It was about magic and being authentic -- owning your inner quirkiness. It's OK to be weird. Weird is special. In the movies and in books it is always the outcast/misfit who is the hero. The ones who fit in are boring. What kind of a story would it be if everything went right and the characters were just ordinary? It is the extraordinary that makes a good story. Yet in real life we can be so hard on ourselves when we feel like we're strange or different or don't fit in.<br />
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Aside from great characters the movie had a few creepy/scary parts but nothing too drastic. It was made for kids after all. I let Michelle watch PG-13 movies as long as there doesn't seem to be anything inappropriate.<br />
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Ballerinas and bows! Michelle was in rainbow unicorn mode for ballet that day. We wanted to get a family portrait with Ali. Michelle stuck a bow on Ali's head but Ali didn't seem that enthused about it. Half the time when we tried to get pictures with Ali she would just up and leave.<br />
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Michelle calls Ali her sister. She loves her, even though Ali can be a moody furry older sister and you're never sure what she's going to do. One minute she's perfectly happy and purring, all of a sudden randomly she decides nope she's had enough and will randomly get up or even swat at you for no apparent reason.<br />
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Yes, Ali can be catty sometimes but one can hardly blame her. She is, after all, a cat. I still think cats are as close to perfection as it gets. But even they have their moments.<br />
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I absolutely love Michelle's smile here. Actually she was laughing her head off because of the few failed attempts to get Ali to look for a photo this was as close as we came. Her ears are starting to go back so she's getting angry and she's just about to run away. I must have made a sarcastic comment about it and Michelle is laughing hysterically.<br />
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I love my girls. They really are my happy place, my safe place, my unicorns and rainbows, laughing and purring, wrapped up in a sweet ball of cuteness. Even if they can be a lot to handle sometimes.<br />
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We'd taken a long break from bike riding lessons<br />
a) because we were both getting frustrated with it and b) because it was like 40 degrees Celsius every day for a while there and we would have spontaneously combusted if we'd tried. Now that it was Fall Michelle wanted to try again. The sidewalk just wasn't working for her so I decided to change tactics and go the the school playground when it was empty. Having all that open space might make it easier for her to learn to steer -- there was no grass or road to roll onto. Also there was a slight incline so she could practice just rolling to perfect her balance. We used the smaller bike so she could step down with her feet flat on the ground if she needed. Practicing at school with all that space did the trick. She could ride for a few seconds without losing her balance. Then longer and longer until she was riding around and around no problem. Finally! Michelle LEARNED TO RIDE HER BIKE! I was so happy, proud and relieved. For a while there I kept thinking "I can't do this. I can't teach her. This is something a DAD should do. Men are better at these things. I'm no good at this. I'm a control freak & a worrier. I don't know how to balance holding on and letting go." But I did it. And SHE did it!<br />
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Michelle was thrilled. She was so proud of herself. I took about a hundred pictures of her riding around. I thought my heart would explode -- like the part in the Grinch where they say his heart grew three sizes. Watching Michelle learn and grow makes my heart feel like it's too big to fit in my chest. I love her so much. I am in awe of her. And I'm so proud of her. She is such a sweetheart. And seeing her joy and excitement is the greatest feeling in the world. It trumps everything else. Suddenly all the stuff that I worry about, all of my own problems and issues melt away. It just doesn't matter. I am in the moment with my girl and she is pure joy. Pure love.<br />
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She rode around and around. She didn't want to stop. This was a milestone. Learning to ride a bike. My girl was growing up.<br />
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It's a tricky thing, riding a bike. Like so many things in life. It takes practice and patience. It seems impossible at first, like you'll never get it. Then all of a sudden it just clicks. You find your balance. You get it. And once you get it you never lose it. It stays with you for life. You may be a little rusty after several years not doing it but still if you pick it up, you remember, your muscles remember.<br />
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Michelle was so happy. I remembered the times she fell on the sidewalk and cried. The times I cried afterward feeling like a failure. Feeling like this was something I just couldn't do, couldn't teach her. Then she got it. It was empowering for both of us. At one point I thought about having my brother in law teach her. He taught Reggie very quickly. Shane wouldn't have worried like me about her getting hurt. He would let go sooner. He wouldn't hold her back. But now I had done it. Myself! I was a good enough teacher/coach. I didn't need a guy to help. I could do it.<br />
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Of course I had to get a video of her first ride on a two wheeler. Here's the video from Youtube:<br />
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I have videos of Michelle's first time eating solid food, her first steps, first words. Now my baby was a little girl riding her bike for the first time. It all goes so fast. They grow up right before your eyes. You have to pay attention and cherish every moment. I'm a sentimental fool so I can't help but think of that song "Where are you going my little one?" and I start to tear up.<br />
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Photos and videos are my way of holding on. I NEED to hold on.<br />
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That night Michelle drew and wrote this. She was so proud. She went from being frustrated to elated. I was glad we had tried again before Winter came. At least now she'd have a little time to ride her bike while the weather was still warm. It was a shame she hadn't learned sooner and had the whole Summer but actually Summer would have been too hot anyway. Maybe it was better this way.</div>
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I had watched online videos of kids riding their bikes trying to learn tips. Some parents swore your kid could learn in 5 minutes. (I wasn't willing to remove the pedals from her bike or buy a special balance bike so that technique was out.) Some kids learned at 4 years old. Others not until 9. Everyone is different. Just like with potty training or anything else. Kids will learn at their own individual pace when they're ready and it's not fair to compare. Michelle was 6 years old now and that was the right time for her. I wasn't sure when I learned to ride a bike. I haven't ridden a bike in years and I was pretty wobbly trying to ride Michelle's when I tried to show her what to do at one point. In my defense it was too small for me.</div>
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I had always been hard on myself. In school it pushed me to try harder and get straight As (though even when I did I was happy for like a minute and then went right back to feeling worthless.) Even when I had a little success somehow I could tear myself down and say I still wasn't good enough. In many things I felt like a complete failure.<br />
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Of all the things I had ever done or accomplished in my life, none come close to being a Mom. This is more important to me than anything. I can not bear to fail at this. My therapist(s) again remind me not to be so tough on myself. No one is perfect. We're human. We make mistakes. The important thing is that you do your best and follow your heart. Michelle could not be more loved and she knows it. Her love notes mean the world to me. I never tire of hearing that I'm the "best Mama in the world!" Even if it's not true, it's true to her and that means everything.<br />
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Now that she was a pro at it and found it fun, Michelle wanted to ride her bike every day. Luckily the weather cooperated most of the time. It was sunny without being too hot. She even got the hang of riding on the sidewalk although it was a little trickier than the school playground/parking lot with the bumps, grass on either side, cars and kids, hoses and who knows what other obstacles on her path to worry about. She got better at steering and keeping her balance. It was like night and day from a month ago when she was struggling and we both got so frustrated we finally just gave up.<br />
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Sometimes she would ride with her friends after school. It was great to have a new friend right on our street.<br />
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It was definitely Fall. The leaves were changing. We took a walk on the path by the ravine. As much as I don't really like Fall even I have to admit that the leaves -- painted golden, orange and red -- are pretty. The sad part is that they fall and then the trees are bare. Winter is so grey and cold and bleak. But at least we have Autumn for a while with all its colours.<br />
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I love this photo of Michelle and me even though there is a bit of a blur on my head from the scratched lens. My camera's limitations really were getting to me but I was still too loyal/stubborn/procrastinatory (spell check is saying that's not a word but I think it should be so I'm going to invent it! Again, if it catches on, I want credit/royalties! LOL) to replace it. I would hang on to my beat up old Nikon to the bitter end. The same way I held on to my broken vacuum, ancient old laptop, obsolete used cellphone.<br />
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Might as well JUMP!<br />
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Another leap. This time Michelle had her adorable floral bunny/donkey/goat ear headband on so it's like she's an animal frolicking through the forest.<br />
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Every time Michelle had ballet I would watch her through the window and try to snap photos but they rarely turned out very well through the glass. Too often they were blurry. Between the scratches on my lens and marks on the glass it was an uphill battle to get her without smudges on her face. Being a photoholic who can't take full advantage of a cute photo op is physically painful. So I'd insist Michelle pose for me after the class emptied out. She was quite happy to dance and leap around with all that empty space. I was tempted to leap along with her but I would have been too embarrassed her teacher or the other Moms would see from the hallway.<br />
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Michelle looks so adorable here but the white smudge across our faces ruins it. Dang it. (Well the look on my face is pretty cheesy too for that matter. But Michelle is adorbs.) My camera really was getting on my last nerve. If anyone should have a good camera, of all people, considering what an extreme photoholic I was, you'd think it would be my top priority. I just kept putting it off because I am a procrastinator and loyal/attached to my things and I tend to shy away from large expenditures. (Some people think nothing of spending hundreds or thousands on a phone. I can't fathom it.) I will hold onto things way longer than anyone else would. Most people replace electronics every couple of years. They want the newest/best this or that. I'm old fashioned. I don't need fancy schmancy toys (yes spellcheck I know that's not a word. Wait a minute it's even saying photoholic is not a word. Maybe I invented that too.) I am also a creature of habit and not a fan of change.<br />
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We heard about a Firefighter Day coming up when we were at the Home Show and decided to check it out. At least it was a beautiful day (unlike the Hero Day rain/hail fiasco!) I loved finding new adventures and outings to share with Michelle and if they were free, so much the better. Other people talked about going away on vacation or renting a cottage. That wasn't an option for me but we could at least enjoy day trips here and there. Especially free ones! The best things in life are free.<br />
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There were many cute photo ops so I was all over them. Here Michelle poses with an adorable dalmatian mascot, Sparky.<br />
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Michelle had a ball while also learning about fire safety. She went through obstacle courses, got to shoot a fire hose and she was excited they had bouncy castles and slides.<br />
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I LOVE this picture of Michelle smiling in the sunshine and hugging her teddy bear. She insisted on bringing a bear (wearing a floral print dress no less!) Of course the bear wound up being cumbersome while she was running amok and playing and I wound up having to carry him... I mean her...in my purse.<br />
"Next time no stuffies! It's just one more thing for Mama to carry and my purse is heavy/full enough!"<br />
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Michelle got to put out a fire in a mini model house.<br />
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The hose was so powerful it could probably have knocked her over but they didn't turn it on full blast. Michelle loved pointing the hose.<br />
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It was such a fun day we were both really glad that we went. I wanted to share as many adventures as I could with my girl. My Mom tried to say "She won't remember all these things you did when she's older."<br />
"Yes she will!" I said "I have the photos to remind her!"<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xv4q_4-Xt7M/XCiBD10dW5I/AAAAAAAAUtY/9AskdU-d4osF2ngmYoIBVeo2X4xIfqx7QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8255.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1315" data-original-width="1600" height="263" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xv4q_4-Xt7M/XCiBD10dW5I/AAAAAAAAUtY/9AskdU-d4osF2ngmYoIBVeo2X4xIfqx7QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8255.JPG" width="320" /></a>On top of the world! Or at least the town.<br />
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We climbed up on the tower for an aerial view. Michelle is not afraid of heights at all. She loves it. A stranger kindly took our photo which was great because my selfies were awkward and just didn't work at all, especially since the sun was directly in front of us and cast the shadow of my camera right onto Michelle's face.<br />
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I love my girl. I am so grateful for these moments I get to share with her. Sunshine, blue skies and new adventures to face together.<br />
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And then Michelle was even excited to take a ride on the shuttle bus back to our car. It was so crowded it was standing room only but Michelle was thrilled she got to stand at the very front of the bus beside the driver. She thought that was the coolest thing ever. I realized she had never been on a bus aside from school buses when she went on school trips. This was her first time on public transit and she was definitely a fan.<br />
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Seeing the world through Michelle's eyes makes everything a fun adventure. In my mind I was thinking "Oh brother. It's so crowded we don't even get to sit." And to Michelle it was "Wow! We get to stand RIGHT AT THE FRONT! That's SO COOL! This is fun!"<br />
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Sometimes it isn't what happens to you, it's your reaction to it. Your perspective on it. I had a lot to learn from Michelle about positive thinking and being in the moment.<br />
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This is so random. We were visiting at my Mom's. I took my Mom shopping. I found a teddy bear head mask and thought it would be cute but it's mostly just creepy and sad. It almost looks like something a bank robber would wear in a movie. Even Michelle said "Mama please don't ever wear that or you'll give me nightmares." It was good for a laugh anyway. I was tempted to get one of the huge Halloween animal mascot heads that I saw at Walmart (cats, bears, unicorns) but I couldn't justify it either financially or storage-wise. This bear mask was much cheaper and smaller. Not that I needed it anyway. We were going to be deer for Halloween. I just thought it would be fun to have. Maybe I could wear it at the Teddy Bear Picnic next year (and scare all her friends to death! LOL) On second thought, maybe not. "If you go down in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise!"<br />
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Blink and it's October. Time was still accelerated. I couldn't keep up.</div>
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Michelle had an active social life -- parties and play dates. I just tagged along. I liked sticking around for her friends' birthday parties, especially if they were in a public place -- 1) because I don't like leaving her. I'd worry too much. 2) I like watching her have fun and getting photos of her with her friends. I am a photoholic after all. Thankfully her friends' Moms are usually quite welcoming and extend the invitation to stay.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CoIxK0kbv_M/XFRXNHCeUmI/AAAAAAAAVNo/2XCz3fu49J8a9kjwRYdnidY3WBhmgS9pACLcBGAs/s1600/b-day%2Bparty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1040" data-original-width="1600" height="208" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CoIxK0kbv_M/XFRXNHCeUmI/AAAAAAAAVNo/2XCz3fu49J8a9kjwRYdnidY3WBhmgS9pACLcBGAs/s320/b-day%2Bparty.jpg" width="320" /></a>It's hard to round up the kids to actually pose for a photo. They all want to run amok. You ask them to say cheese and some are frowning and some aren't even looking. What can you do? You just snap and hope that Michelle is looking and smiling at least.<br />
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This party was at an indoor beach where the kids can run in the sand. I love sand too though I'm not always keen on bringing it back with us in our shoes and clothes. And a beach just isn't the same without water.<br />
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I managed to get one souvenir shot of us to show that I was there. I spend a lot more time behind the camera than in front of it but I do feel compelled to get in a few shots just because I know that looking back I will want to remember being there.<br />
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A lot of parents just drop of their kids and go. I like spending time with Michelle and I don't feel comfortable about her being out in public without me. Too many unknowns. What if there are strangers there from off the street etc? No one would ever watch her as carefully and closely as I would. No one could love her as much as I do.<br />
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Michelle wanted a play date with her friend after school. "Isn't it enough that you saw her all day at school?" I wanted to say but I went along with it.<br />
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The weather was still nice so we might as well enjoy it while it lasted and her new friends had a swingset/slide in the backyard. And a pool. If only we had known them in the Summer! I joked. Of course we made many trips to the beach anyway. I would love to have a pool someday if I won the lottery.<br />
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The problem with Michelle having play dates or going to parties is that she never wants to leave! It's always hard to tear her away.<br />
"You can see her at school tomorrow!" I'd remind her.<br />
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I was happy with Michelle's school photo! She did smile. It was a little forced but still very cute. I was relieved that her hair wasn't a total disaster either.<br />
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That was one mistake my Mom always made with my school photos. She insisted I curl my hair but it never worked out and just looked lumpy and awkward. By the time I got the photo taken it was in shambles. That and the fact that I was an ugly duckling anyway didn't help. No wonder she never bought my school photos. All we had were the proofs with "Jostens" or whatever the company name at the time was, written across my face.<br />
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I'd never do that to Michelle. I would ALWAYS buy at least one of her photos.<br />
"But you didn't have FOUR kids!" my Mom says.<br />
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Michelle loved her piano lessons too. Lucky girl. She gets to take piano and ballet which had always been my dream as a kid.<br />
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One day Michelle started giving me piano lessons at home. She liked that she knew something Mama didn't even know -- how to read music. I could strum chords on the guitar but I had never actually learned how to read musical notes. Now Michelle could play teacher and go over some of the lessons and songs in her book. She joked with me about my hand position. "You don't want to have your arms stretched out like a zombie. But you don't want to be scrunched up like a T-Rex either!" she laughed. She had been paying close attention to her teacher during lessons and picking up these kinds of tips.<br />
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I was a dance Mom. I had seen shows about dance classes and dance Moms. Some of them were a little...intense. I didn't ever want to be one of THOSE dance Moms. I did want to support and encourage Michelle any way I could. I was so proud of her. Her teacher asked me if I'd be interested in Michelle taking her ballet exams in the Spring. I said sure if she's up for it. It's so cute watching little girls dance ballet. Michelle is the oldest and tallest in her class. She got a later start than most. I'd wanted to put her into ballet sooner but my insane schedule prevented it. I was grateful to have the opportunity to do this for her. Even though it was a risk signing her up when I didn't know for sure what my schedule would be in the future, I was glad I had done it. It meant the world to give her this.<br />
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I found us matching shirts again. You can't see but it says "Mama and me twinning" on them. It's just too cute. If there is an adorable t-shirt that comes in a size 7 and a children's 16 I am all over it! I'm glad that Michelle enjoys dressing alike. I know that the day will come when she would be mortified to dress like Mom. The day may come when she won't even want to be seen with me. I hope not. I know the teen years can be iffy but I hope we'll always be close. Michelle says she'll always want to be with me. "You don't know sweetheart. You don't know how you'll feel in the future. You might get married." "But couldn't my husband and me still live with you?"<br />
"Of course sweetheart. But he might not agree!" I laughed at the thought of being someone's mother in law. We never know what the future holds. Que sera sera...<br />
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One day when I took my Mom shopping we were near a travel agent. I could see a big mural of a beach inside and thought it would be cool to get a photo standing in front of it. I was looking for somewhere to sit the camera for a self-timed photo but one of the staff offered to take our picture. I should have set the timer. The well meaning stranger focused in on us but what I really wanted was to get the whole scene and especially THE PALM TREE in the shot. Some people just don't get it. Even at the beach when we went I was shocked to see people getting pictures and not even getting the palm trees (the most scenic part of the whole beach) in their shots.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Um13j0oqEj0/XEtBojsC5vI/AAAAAAAAUxQ/hv-6LFOUd18k8FGcqsc4D-goo6PH08WmwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8407.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Um13j0oqEj0/XEtBojsC5vI/AAAAAAAAUxQ/hv-6LFOUd18k8FGcqsc4D-goo6PH08WmwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8407.JPG" width="240" /></a>Thanksgiving! We were thankful to be able to share it with family at Auntie May's. Michelle, my little unicorn got a big hug from her Uncle Chris. And a flying pig. (Somehow she had talked me into getting her a big pink furry flying pig.)<br />
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Pigs would have to fly before Uncle Chris would ever have children but the kids always loved to see him. He's so funny and animated. He's like a big Disney character. He'd be a great dad. It's kind of sad that he'll never have kids but I get it. I used to be there too. I couldn't imagine me as a Mom. I didn't realize that the love you have for your child is the most profound and rewarding experience of your entire life. I feel bad for people who don't get to experience that. Even though it's not easy of course. It involves a lot of work and sacrifice but it's totally worth it.<br />
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Michelle loves her Uncle Chris. She's always happy to see him at family events though it isn't as often as it used to be.<br />
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I love these cute filters on Shannon's i-phone. I love the doe eyes and the cute halo of Fall leaves. It was a bit too hectic and crowded and I wasn't able to corral everyone for a group Thanksgiving photo but at least I got a portrait of our little family, Michelle and me.<br />
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We had a lovely turkey dinner thanks to Uncle Shane and Auntie May. I am always thankful to have time with family. Michelle loves being at May's too. She got to play with her cousin and cousins in law. Shane's family was there as well. It can be chaotic with the house full of people but it's nice. And then when it's over we're back home where it's just Michelle and me and Ali makes three. Once in a while Michelle mentions not having a daddy but for the most part she doesn't think about it. I try not to either. A man in my life would be a complication. I wouldn't want to risk the heartbreak anyway. Life is simpler without them.<br />
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Getting a photo of a Blue Morpho butterfly with its wings open was like the Holy Grail of photographs. Years ago it seemed impossible. Now here I was. Michelle smiling, with a Blue Morpho on her hand and the waterfall in the background! And if it wasn't for that annoying white ghost of a blur around her head it would have been perfect. I REALLY needed to get a new camera one of these days. For now, I just tried to work around the scratch/blur as much as possible. Sometimes it wasn't possible, especially if sunlight bounced off of it.<br />
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The Butterfly Conservatory is my happy place, like the beach but even more so. It is like being transported to another world, an amazing tropical paradise filled with beautiful plants and breathtaking butterflies. To me, beauty is a necessity. It soothes the soul. Ugliness (chaos, pain and problems) triggers my anxiety. Beauty dissolves it. Beauty is calm, peaceful perfection. I believe world peace would be possible if people focused more on beauty than ugliness.<br />
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My little girl with a friendly butterfly. It didn't want to leave her. It stayed on her hand a long time.<br />
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The staff warned people not to touch the butterflies because you could hurt their wings and also butterflies taste with their feet. But if a butterfly wanted to sit on you, if it stayed there quite happily perched on your hand or your arm then what was the harm? Michelle was very careful never to touch their delicate wings. I always worried when I saw little kids carelessly grabbing at them. Luckily butterflies were usually quick enough to fly away from danger. Fight or flight literally. I don't think butterflies are fighters. It's all flight with them!<br />
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Michelle making friends with yet another butterfly. They seemed to like her. Like she was a walking flower. Other kids would sometimes glance enviously over as Michelle walked around casually with one butterfly or another perched on her finger, arm or head. She was wearing a colourful dress and a floral headband.<br />
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Less often a butterfly would light on my arm but I was never able to get a picture in time or it was an awkward too close up selfie. Michelle was a much cuter subject anyway. I took photo after photo with Michelle and her butterflies. It's like Lay's potato chips. You can't have just one. I always make sure my memory card is full and batteries are new when I go to the Butterfly Conservatory. I can't help but take hundreds of pictures of Michelle and the butterflies.<br />
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It took some careful timing and quick reflexes but I was able to dodge the crowd and stay out of the blur spot and get a couple of self-timed shots of Michelle and I.<br />
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At one point a stranger seeing my struggles with the timer offered to take our picture as well which was even better.<br />
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"Do you want me to take your picture?" Some people are so kind. Of course I still remember the well-meaning guy in Montreal years ago who offered to take a photo of my boyfriend and I and dropped the camera on concrete, breaking it. At least now my Nikon was scratched if someone dropped it it would give me an even better reason to replace it.<br />
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It was almost too good to be true. TWO Blue Morpho butterflies on Michelle's head. I couldn't even believe it and they STAYED there long enough for me to snap several photos. It was like elf ears or something. I couldn't believe it. I was in my glory. This was photo gold. If only they could have opened their beautiful blue wings. Instead you just see the brown underside with the camouflage eyes meant to scare away predators. Almost like there was an owl on her head.<br />
"Stay very still!" I told her. Michelle was afraid to move in case they flew away but then she relaxed when it seemed like they were quite comfortable there. They must have thought the flowers on her headband were real or something. It was the cutest thing ever. Michelle was like a forest Princess with a crown made of flowers and living butterflies...<br />
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...so naturally I couldn't resist getting into a shot with her. The butterflies were perfectly perched on her head now. They almost looked like donkey ears on her head. I was loving it but Michelle was actually over it. Like "OK. That's enough.You can fly away now." Only they didn't.<br />
"Are they gone?"<br />
"Nope. Still there."<br />
"How about now?"<br />
"Still there."<br />
"Mama can you make them go."<br />
"Just a few more pictures."<br />
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All the times we'd been to the Butterfly Conservatory we had never posed with the huge framed shadow box collection of Blue Morphos in the vestibule. Usually there was someone sitting on the bench in front of it so it wasn't an option. Today it was clear so I seized the opportunity.<br />
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I was thankful for another lovely day at the Butterfly Conservatory with my girl.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gqLcB2Mb-f8/XEtEeX02yHI/AAAAAAAAU1g/FUBJuUBENzsW8U1sqlOHAciCzq9OCJ1SgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8682.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gqLcB2Mb-f8/XEtEeX02yHI/AAAAAAAAU1g/FUBJuUBENzsW8U1sqlOHAciCzq9OCJ1SgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8682.JPG" width="320" /></a>From one happy place to another! The weather wouldn't stay this warm. Fall would grow colder and colder and it would be Winter all too soon. So we made our way to the beach for one last visit while we still could. The beach in October is bittersweet. The palm tree fronds were beginning to yellow. The beach was almost empty. It was hard to believe there had been hundreds of people on the sand a month or two before. Some people have the luxury of going away on tropical vacations even in the dead of winter. I only did that once years ago. (The Dominican Republic in February with my boyfriend at the time.) In a way it just made the Winter worse when I had to return home. A temporary escape only makes it harder to go back. It's depressing. The cold bleak blizzardy weather is a cruel slap in the face when you get back from Paradise. Having four seasons in Canada at least you get a gradual change from one to the next rather than a jarring plane ride from one climate to its complete opposite.<br />
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The sun was setting, our extended Summer was ending. I was grateful to have had this, one more trip to the beach with my girl. I would hold onto these memories during the long cold Winter days. The scratch on the lens caught the sunlight and made a big white blob in the photo but at least it wasn't covered Michelle and me.<br />
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I shed a tear as we drove back home. I knew it would be the last time we'd see the beach this year.<br />
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I was so grateful for this and all of my Summer memories with Michelle. What a gift to have this time with her. Though it was a very rough path to get here and I wouldn't want to relive it for anything at least it brought me to where I need to be. So I'm grateful for all of it. The past is painful and the future is uncertain but the present is a gift and I have to cherish every moment of it.<br />
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They had an official opening ceremony for the new park with treats and activities for the kids. Michelle did pretty well with her "stilt walking." First the kids practice on upside down buckets with strings and then they get to try out the real thing. Michelle got a red ribbon for participating. She actually managed to walk on real stilts for a little bit. Between that and the bouncy castle/slide (always a hit with kids!) she was having a ball. Of course I was just happy to have so many colourful photo ops. The crowd was a bit daunting. Especially when we had to line up for a piece of cake and one strange lady tried to cut ahead of me in line. "Oh no she didn't!" I thought, picturing memes in my head. I was going to say something. Instead I just shot her a confused/disgusted look that must have conveyed more than any words could have because she sheepishly backed off and walked away. Sometimes it's fight and not flight. Especially if cake is on the line!<br />
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Michelle got to meet legendary hockey dad, Walter Gretzky and he was kind enough to pose for a photograph. Michelle didn't even know who Wayne Gretzky was, much less his dad but I thought it was pretty cool. Not that I'm a sports fan either by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I don't think you can be Canadian without knowing who Wayne Gretzky is.<br />
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"Wayne is a really famous hockey player and Walter is his dad."<br />
"Oh."<br />
She would have been much more excited if it had been SpongeBob Squarepants but you can't have everything.<br />
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Everywhere we go Michelle meets friends or makes friends. She ran into one of her friends from school. It seemed like everyone in town was there. Mention free cake and pizza and people will line up by the thousands. They'll even try to cut ahead in line. Of course we had lined up for ice cream in the rain that wasn't even free. It seemed like everywhere we went was too crowded. Like there were just too many people period or that everyone had the same idea we did. Sometimes I would think "How do people even KNOW about this stuff?" Like they just happened to see the ad in the paper or the flyer like I did. More likely people are connected on social networks where community events are advertised as well. I hadn't done Facebook in a decade. I was never going back. Twitter was my jam but I was even trying to spend less time on it. Spending any time online meant coming across disturbing current events I did not want to know about. I didn't want to hear whatever stupid things Trump had done or how the world was falling apart anymore.<br />
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Michelle ran into another friend. And yes, Michelle insisted on bringing her flying pig to the park. And guess who had to stuff the giant fuzzy pig in her purse like an imbecile when Michelle wanted to play mini golf or go on the rides? Yes, yours truly. A little girl carrying a flying pig is cute. A grown woman with a stuffed flying pig is a cry for help. If anyone had said anything to me at least I could calmly explain "I'm in therapy." And I am totally owned. Even after telling Michelle she's never bringing a stuffie with her to a park or event ever again, there she was with an even bigger one. Sigh. But I ask you: How on Earth could I possibly say no to that face?! She's my angel(/devil.)<br />
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I don't know what her friend is pointing at. Maybe there really was a flying pig in the sky too.<br />
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Every day after school now it was "I want to ride my bike!"<br />
I still made her wear her elbow and knee pads every time even though she was in much less danger of falling now. She was really getting the hang of it. It is such a beautiful feeling to stand back and watch your child master something. When you can just breathe a sigh of relief and relax because you don't have to hover and wait to catch her. You don't have to chase her with your heart in your throat, killing your back, poised to grab her at any moment. It feels good to watch her do it on her own and to know she's got this. I wish you could skip to that part and not go through the struggles and scrapes and tears. But that's just the way it is. Potty training was one of the worst experiences ever and took years off my life but we got through it. Learning to ride a two wheeler was right up there with stressful, frustrating, heart-wrenching lessons but once she got it it was thrilling. Helping Michelle to meet these milestones as a single Mom without help is empowering. She's got this. I've got this. Even though sometimes I <so> don't got this.<br />
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We went to see Goosebumps 2. I found the first Goosebumps movie on sale on DVD and we loved it. It was funny and clever with a few scary parts but mostly just fun. It's made for kids so there's nothing too disturbing. I used to love horror movies but anything too frightening would be traumatic now. Kid's horror movies were better. Nothing too gory or disturbing. Just fun. And it helped to put us in the Halloween mood. Halloween was coming up so soon I couldn't believe it. Then it would be November. Life on fast forward as usual.<br />
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Goosebumps 2 was great. A little scarier than the first but we still got through it. There was just one scene, where Halloween costumes and decorations were coming to life, that creeped Michelle out a little but she was OK.<br />
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On our way back from ballet one day we saw a huge inflatable bouncy castle slide in a parking lot. We weren't sure what was going on so we went to check it out. It was another firefighter event for kids. They were pretty much wrapping things up when we arrived but at least Michelle got to go down the slide. The weather had turned REALLY cold. It was hard to believe we'd been at the beach a week before and now we were shivering in our Winter coats. Sometimes Canada is like that. So much for a slow transition from one season to the next. Now it was like we just skipped Fall altogether and went straight from Summer into Winter.<br />
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After we left we headed to another free event I'd seen advertised. A store opening with free hot dogs and face painting. They had me at free hot dogs. They had Michelle at face painting.<br />
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You can't say no to face painting, especially if it's free! So cute. Great photo op.<br />
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Michelle wanted to be a kitty. The makeup artist painted her with pinks and purples to match her outfit and headband. What a pretty kitty! I loved it.<br />
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People passing by commented how cute Michelle looked. A couple of people asked if they could take pictures of her. She was like a little celebrity. My little star. She was still wearing her ballet outfit because we kept going from one thing to the next before heading home. I was worried she was going to get cold. It was a bitterly cold day compared to what we had been used to.<br />
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The only thing more adorable than seeing Michelle with her cat makeup was seeing her SEE HERSELF in the mirror for the first time. She was positively BEAMING!<br />
"I LOVE IT!" she said, excitedly. I was wishing she could do a dance on stage now that she was all dressed up with makeup to match. She should have been performing in the musical "Cats." Instead we just ate our hot dogs and went to look around the new store for a bit. Not exactly glamorous.<br />
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Michelle talked me into getting her a little teddy bear and I couldn't resist. Even though she already has a collection of them. Hundreds possibly. I've never counted them. A lot of them were mine before I even had her. I always loved teddy bears myself even before I had children. So now that I had a little girl, how could I not spoil her? I have a weakness for cute and beautiful things.<br />
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Someone offered to take our picture. This photo would have been so sweet without the friggin blur on my face from the scratched lens. It was really making my teeth itch. I had to get a new camera. But I was afraid to. I wasn't even sure what kind of cameras they had now. Did they even still make digital cameras or did everyone just use the camera in their cellphone? I was a bit of a dinosaur. I didn't even know what was on the market anymore. I was scared to look. I would hold on to that camera to the bitter end. Just like my computer and my vacuum and everything else that seemed to fall apart. Forced obsolescence at work. Manufacturers don't want their products to last forever or you'd never have to replace them. Though some people would anyway. Some people love getting fancy new toys, electronics and appliances, all the time. Some people thrive on change. I am not those people.<br />
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Shannon's phone had a Goosebumps 2 filter when the movie came out. We couldn't resist playing with it and laughing our heads off. Although I thought it would be cool to have a fancy phone where you could use silly apps and filters, it wasn't quite enough to make me buy one. I'd rather just borrow someone else's now and then.<br />
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This was my favourite shot, Michelle and me trying to stare Slappy down. There is something creepy about a ventriloquist's dummy. You always do kind of worry it's just going to come to life on its own when no one is near it. Horror movies prey on our fears and phobias. At least kids' movies do it in a way that's playful and fun. Adult horror goes too far, too ugly, too real. I can't believe that I used to watch them. It was different before, when I was in a relationship and felt like I had someone to protect me from demons when I had the post-movie heebee jeebees. Now after all of my anxiety issues and being single, alone with a child, the protector rather than the protected, I didn't want to subject myself to that. I still have a large collection of horror movies collecting dust in my basement. Maybe I will sell them someday. I still feel somewhat nostalgic about the goth phase of my life. But I'm definitely in Disney mode now.<br />
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I was disappointed I wasn't able to go along on Michelle's class trip to the farm as a volunteer but at least her teacher took a picture of Michelle's experience and shared it with me. I love this shot of Michelle and her friend with the baby piglets. So cute. I wished I had been there.<br />
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Michelle loves animals. All kinds of animals. She says she wants to save the animals when she grows up. She read about Jane Goodall and thought it would be amazing to go live among the animals. Michelle wanted to live with wild cats. I told her that may not be the best idea. Of course Michelle is a little lion herself, my Leo girl. Queen of the Jungle!<br />
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Michelle was disappointed I didn't get to go to the farm with her so I told her we would go to another farm ourselves. And we still had our annual trip to Springridge with Auntie May to look forward to.<br />
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Michelle wanted to do all the fun activities. I just wanted to take pictures. I didn't want to get too carried away spending our tickets. I only had a limited amount. Originally Michelle had wanted to go into the Haunted House. We had been through it the year before and had chosen the "little scares" (as opposed to medium or big scares apparently.) This year however they had more than just teenage girls to scare you inside the house. This time they had a creepy Leatherface psycho dude to chase you around. He looked like REALLY BIG SCARES! Michelle was not into it.<br />
"Mama I DO NOT WANT TO GO IN THERE WITH HIM!"<br />
"Me neither!" I said.<br />
But as a photo op it was just too good to pass up. Michelle consented to posing for the photo at least. I was kind of relieved we could skip the haunted house. It saved me spending 4 tickets anyway.<br />
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A pony ride! That was non-negotiable. I don't know who was more excited -- Michelle to actually ride the pony or me to get pictures of her doing it. It is just the cutest thing ever. Honestly if I could just take photos of cute things all day long I would never feel anxiety again. Beauty and cuteness are my magic talisman against negative emotions. I can not be sad, angry or scared when in the presence of beauty or a cutie. It's like when I'm around the nice things, God is there. When I'm surrounded by ugliness, Satan is. The devil has been having a field day with the world lately. But it is still a beautiful world if you know where to look.<br />
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Somehow the appeal of jumping on hay bales is universal among kids. Michelle was so excited to run and jump off of hay bales. I was worried about her colliding with another kid but she managed not to get hurt. (Unlike last year where some careless kid booted her in the head.)<br />
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As a worrier sometimes it is hard for me to watch Michelle running amok. Part of me wants to intervene, to protect her in case she gets hurt. But I try to let her be, to give her freedom to be a kid. I want her to be happy and free. I just cross my fingers that she survives the experience.<br />
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Michelle with her silly green Medusa streamers blocking her face. It was actually supposed to be a St. Patrick's Day headband but it works for Halloween too because there is some orange in it as well and even the green makes a good stem to go with her pumpkin dress.<br />
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Several people admired Michelle's pumpkin outfit. When we dress on theme we REALLY go for it. We were super excited about Halloween and it was coming up really fast. It seemed like October had barely started and now just like that it was half over.<br />
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We used a couple of tickets to take a ride on the little train that winds around the farm. The train was another non-negotiable. It's just too cute. You've got to do it. The compartments are so small they just barely fit Michelle and me.<br />
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That's the ticket!<br />
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Face painting again. How could you say no? You couldn't. I couldn't anyway. Michelle wanted to be a cat again. This time a Halloween kitty. So cute. I love her smile here.<br />
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It had been a long exhausting afternoon and I was looking forward to heading home. I had run out of tickets anyway and I wasn't buying more (despite her pleading) so there wasn't much more we could do anyway.<br />
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She wanted to take a look in the Storybook Barn. I told the girl we didn't have any tickets left. It was close to closing time anyway and no one was there so she let us in for free which was really nice.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t8gTx0qpviw/XEtH3fnh46I/AAAAAAAAU8o/OVQxN2o0S8Mjz0-RlEz0jXzaM5KH0uc2wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9088.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t8gTx0qpviw/XEtH3fnh46I/AAAAAAAAU8o/OVQxN2o0S8Mjz0-RlEz0jXzaM5KH0uc2wCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9088.JPG" width="320" /></a>Room on the Broom is one of our favourite Halloween stories. We posed for a photo with the characters -- the witch, dog, cat, frog, bird and dragon. It's such a sweet story. Michelle has the book and we've seen the movie as well.<br />
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At least the blur isn't covering our faces in any of the shots. I didn't know it at the time but I soon wasn't going to have to worry about my scratched lens anymore. There were changes coming. As much as I don't like change, sometimes you have no choice. Life forces your hand.<br />
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My computer died. My old laptop had been on its last leg for years. The battery didn't work anymore so I had to keep it plugged in all the time and even with the cord it had problems. The screen was always freezing or going black or it would shut down. It was beyond frustrating but I just kept making do until one night it just went black. No signs of life and I couldn't bring it back. Other times turning it off and on, plugging and unplugging it, taking the battery out and putting it back in magically did the trick. This time, nothing. I panicked. I couldn't be without a computer. Michelle needed it sometimes for school. I needed to check my email etc. It was not an option to NOT have a computer! I would have to buy a new one. I was terrified.<br />
In the past any time I had to get a new computer I had a guy, a tech expert to help me. A couple of them even built their own computers. I am decidedly NOT a techie. I started looking at flyers for a while anyway just getting an idea of what was out there for laptops. You could spend anywhere from $300-$3000. I wanted to get another ASUS. It was what I was used to. Plus I figured if I can get 10 years out of it like my last one, that's a good computer. And it's not too expensive.<br />
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I went to a big box electronics store that shall remain nameless to buy a new computer. When I wasn't ready to buy it seemed sales people were always hounding me and I had to say no thanks, just looking. Now that I WASN'T just looking, now that I actually HAD to buy one I couldn't find a sales guy to help me for the life of me. There was only one guy in the section. He was short, unattractive, unfriendly, sort of smelly and was already busy with an older couple. "I'll be with you in a minute" he promised. But it was more like a football minute. My palms were sweating. I felt nauseous. I really didn't want to do this but I had no choice. "I should bite the bullet and get a new camera while I'm here," I thought. "Kill two birds with one stone." But I was stressed enough about purchasing a computer. Buying a computer and a camera in one day would be sheer madness. Even though I would likely spend less on both than a lot of people spend on a phone or tablet. I'm a bargain hunter.<br />
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When the unhelpful unpleasant dude was finally ready to help me he was very discouraging. I told him that I was leaning toward an ASUS. He tried to tell me that they weren't any good. He tried to talk me into another model I had never heard of. I explained that my old ASUS laptop had lasted me a decade and that considering most laptops only last a couple of years, that seems pretty reliable to me. He said they don't make them the same way anymore. I was getting frustrated. I didn't like this guy. I didn't like the computers he was showing me.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kVJIAEYcrhE/XFM15nFq1cI/AAAAAAAAVNA/NSGmKWqaaQIowEXI6LfnFVa_aN1Fk9H1ACLcBGAs/s1600/Hey%2Bgirl%2Bdon%2527t%2Bworry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="395" data-original-width="647" height="195" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kVJIAEYcrhE/XFM15nFq1cI/AAAAAAAAVNA/NSGmKWqaaQIowEXI6LfnFVa_aN1Fk9H1ACLcBGAs/s320/Hey%2Bgirl%2Bdon%2527t%2Bworry.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
I told him I needed to take a breather. I went over to look at cameras instead, for fun. Well it wasn't fun. It was stressful too because I DID need a camera and I'm not a fan of change and I felt sick to my stomach thinking about making two major purchases in one day or even one. At least it was a change of scenery anyway. They did have digital cameras. How would I choose? As if reading my mind, suddenly a sales guy came over to help me. This one was actually cute, charming and didn't smell. Score.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5fd4PPHSla0/XFM33_-didI/AAAAAAAAVNI/LBN-XR9PZ2klCVqDJ_aEvePgUGNNtf9kgCLcBGAs/s1600/Hey%2Bgirl%2Byou%2Bgot%2Bthis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5fd4PPHSla0/XFM33_-didI/AAAAAAAAVNI/LBN-XR9PZ2klCVqDJ_aEvePgUGNNtf9kgCLcBGAs/s320/Hey%2Bgirl%2Byou%2Bgot%2Bthis.jpg" width="320" /></a>I explained my situation. My scratched lens Nikon camera. My phobia of change. My resistance to technology. My laptop dying. He was very supportive/sympathetic. He helped me pick out a little Canon camera. He gave me a discount on the camera case. My first camera decades ago (the one that got dropped by a stranger in Montreal) had been a Canon. The wheel had come full circle. It was small and light and 20 megapixels. It would take me a while to get the hang of using it but it would be a treat not to have a big white blob in all my photos. It had a rechargeable battery so I wouldn't have to spend a fortune on double A Energizer lithium batteries anymore. One decision made. One to go. I told him I was discouraged by the other sales guy in computers. I had my heart set on an ASUS and the other guy had tried to talk me out of it. This sales guy was basically the opposite of the other guy in every conceivable way. "Here. Come with me," he said and led me over to the computer section. I would have followed him anywhere. Cute young thing. I felt like asking if he could do me a favour and be 10 years older and single. He agreed with me that ASUS was a good brand. He showed me a nice silver one that was on sale. Unfortunately they were out of stock. He called another store to hold one for me. I drove there and got it. Just like that. Decisions made. I didn't take them out of the box until the next day. I was scared. I was intimidated. I didn't have a techie to help me. I was on my own to try to figure everything out. Change. Technology. All the stuff I didn't like was waiting for me in a box. I would wait until Michelle was in school to open it.<br />
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At least I figured out the camera. This was the first photo I took with my new Canon camera. And no white blobs to be seen! What a treat to have a clear picture/no scratched lens. I still wasn't sure how to use all the features and it took some getting used to but I adapted.<br />
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Stay calm and adapt.<br />
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I managed to get my new computer sorted out on my own aside from one call to tech support. There were fancy features on the new computer, like it could talk to me with an Alexa type voice. Nope. I didn't like that. Too Brave New World. I turned the talking thing off. And I put a sticker over the camera hole just in case. I'd heard of Big Brother watching through smart TVs and security cameras, computer cams. Strangers could see right into their lives. No thank you. I wanted my new computer to be as much like the old one as possible. I wanted what felt safe and familiar. Once I set a desktop background and added some icons it started to feel more like home. And it was a treat to have a computer that worked without constantly crashing, freezing or shutting down. Maybe change was a good thing.<br />
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My therapist and life coach were proud of me, for someone who doesn't like change I had taken on a lot of it all at once. Not that I had much choice. "You took charge," my coach said. I didn't just curl into a ball and cry (part of me wanted to.) I went out and got a new one right away. I figured it all out by myself. I used to think I needed a guy around to help me with things like technology but now that I had to I could manage on my own. She said that the more I trust myself the more I will be able to do. I have to give myself more credit.<br />
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Technology isn't my thing but I was able to muddle through with my new computer and camera. Math wasn't my thing but I took Michelle to Math Night at her school because I want her to be well-rounded. It's such a stereotype that girls don't like math. I'd like Michelle to challenge that. </div>
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We went to Math Night last year and it was actually kind of interesting. A math teacher talked to us about ways to incorporate math into games with your kids. He tested the grown ups with math questions and we realized how rusty we are. We use calculators so much that we don't do math in our head. Most people have special programs on their computer to do their taxes. I still do mine on paper. It's my one chance to do math and it is a struggle but I do manage. I figure it's good to exercise that part of my brain once in a while. </div>
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Like me Michelle prefers words to numbers but she does like math too. </div>
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With some of the games I couldn't see what on Earth it even had to do with math (like Twister) but one of the teachers explained that math is more than just adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing numbers. Some of it is spacial reasoning, problem solving, communication and connections, patterns, probability and relationships. Michelle was having fun playing the various games in any event. Watching her work together with her friend was adorable. They cooperated quite well together. It was really sweet. And they laughed their heads off.<br />
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One day Michelle drew an adorable Mama cat with a whole rainbow of kittens. She was inspired by her set of rainbow heart markers that she'd gotten at school. Her class had a Home Read list and every time you read 20 books you got a prize. Michelle is an avid reader so she kept going through another 20 books in no time. She even read chapter books. She got a variety of prizes -- stickers, balls. I was glad that Michelle loved books and reading. I did too. Michelle was so much like me in so many ways. Luckily she was the younger, happier, stronger and better version.<br />
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Michelle and me in matching blue shirts. I love the beautiful tie dye design with muted tones of pale blue and steel blue. I know it's kind of cheesy but I can't resist dressing us alike when I find matching shirts in our two sizes. Michelle enjoys it too. She likes to be like Mama. For now, anyway. I'll cherish it as long as it lasts. I'm sure as a teenager she wouldn't find it cute to dress alike. At all.<br />
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I want to be a good role model for Michelle. Being able to handle things on my own (like getting a new computer) made me feel in control. I feel like I need to be on top of things so that Michelle will feel safe, like Mama's got this. If I appear scared and uncertain that might make Michelle feel fearful. I want her to feel like everything is OK. Whatever happens, Mama can handle it. Falling apart is not an option when I have to hold it together for my girl and be her rock.<br />
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One day we went to the Country Windmill Market for something fun to do indoors on a cold day. They have so many cute and pretty things and it's fun exploring the many little rooms filled with knick knacks. It's like a home converted into a store with bedrooms filled with furniture and ornaments. There are so many things to see.<br />
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My Mom would have a field day in that place! I did pick up a couple of things (birds) for my Mom. Not that I should be encouraging her to accumulate any more stuff. But there's always room for a cute little bird. Or two.<br />
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Michelle always finds things that she likes as well. They have a Children's section filled with toys. She always picks something out. Again, Michelle needs another stuffie like she needs another hole in the head but I have a hard time saying no to her.<br />
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Michelle was doing well with her piano lessons. There was one song that she was having a really hard time with at first because she had to play two completely different things with each hand. "I'll NEVER be able to do it!" she exclaimed, frustrated.<br />
"Yes you will," I assured her. "Just like with your bike. Practice makes perfect. You keep trying and it gets easier and easier."<br />
So she did and all of a sudden she got it.<br />
"Mama LISTEN! I can do it! I LOVE this song now!" and she would play it over and over until she even had it memorized and could transpose it into another key. I was proud of her. Her teacher was too.<br />
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As I got more practice with my camera I learned that it had some really cool features. There was a setting that allowed you to take multiple shots at once and the camera would randomly choose different filters and finishes -- so you could see the same shots in different ways and choose which you liked the best. I usually wound up keeping all of them. This photo of Michelle has a soft vignette quality. It was so cool. You just press the button down to take the picture and you hear click click click as the computer takes a couple of shots and adds various filters to them. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes it would focus in on a foot or something instead of the person's face but some of the random effects were really cool.<br />
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This finish/filter makes it look like a drawing. It's so neat. You never know what it's going to do. You can't control how it comes out. You just leave it to chance. It's very cool for doing portraits because you could experiment with different finishes -- one in black and white, one vignette, one artistic. Again, it didn't always work but sometimes magic happened and it was worth the gamble. You could always delete the mishaps. I was starting to like my new little camera. Maybe change isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes it's a change for the better. The thing with me is that I avoid change until something forces me to change. I am loyal to a fault. I will hold on longer than I should. I need that push to make a move. If my computer hadn't completely died I never would have bought a new computer and camera. I still couldn't believe that I had. At least I got them on sale and spent a lot less than I could have.<br />
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Finally, taking a selfie, close up without a ghost on my forehead. It was also a nice treat not to have to keep replacing batteries. I would just charge the camera battery and it would last quite a while before I'd have to charge it again. Definitely a change for the better. I did feel kind of sad for my old Nikon and my old computer. I get attached to things. Especially things that I spent so much time with and that were a big part of my life and my memories. My camera goes with me everywhere and my computer is where I share my thoughts and experiences on sites like Twitter and this blog. They are not just objects. They help me to hold on to the best moments of my life. I am grateful for them.<br />
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I was glad that I had my new camera in time for our trip to Springridge Farm. It is always a huge photo op.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--zpqRS_mYuU/XEtMFd-TpTI/AAAAAAAAVAo/vf8XOnVMtAIjKckyDx710IjblObtoi9GQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0085.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1390" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--zpqRS_mYuU/XEtMFd-TpTI/AAAAAAAAVAo/vf8XOnVMtAIjKckyDx710IjblObtoi9GQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0085.JPG" width="278" /></a>Cute photo ops abound at Springridge Farm. It was crowded as it always is with people like us who want to share a fun Fall day with their kids. I made Michelle pose with the pumpkins and props. We could barely go a few feet without me saying "Stop here for a picture. Just a second. One more picture. One more."<br />
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Michelle just wanted to run and have fun. But she knows me well enough by now to know, just smile for the picture and get it over with so you can go and play. When Mama's happy, everyone's happy.<br />
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It was a little cold but at least it wasn't raining.<br />
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Even with the crowd I managed to find a safe spot to sit the camera so we could all be in a group photo. May and I were like twins in our grey winter coats with fur.<br />
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It was quite chilly but we were motivated to explore all the parts of the farm. It was a tradition every year. We had to see the Haunted House (Boo Barn), do the hay ride, walk the corn maze, go to the slides, visit the animals and of course stop for every cute or cheesy photo op along the way. And at the end we always warm up in the gift shop, get a bite to eat and relax. (Even though the line up is usually enormous and winds all through the store. Everywhere you go there are crowds and line-ups. No matter what we do it's like everyone else has the same idea.)<br />
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Most of the shots in the Boo Barn turn out blurry. If you don't use a flash then the shutter speed is slow and any slight movement of the camera will make it blurry (you really need a tripod for those.) If you use the flash then it just washes everything out and destroys the glow in the dark effects. Once in a while you get lucky though. At least this shot of the kids wasn't too blurry. It's also really hard to get a picture because the crowd is never ending and pushes you along so you can't really stop to take a picture or you hold everyone up. Like at mini golf. Not that I've done that in years. This Haunted House is meant for little kids so there were no Leatherface maniacs chasing us around with chainsaws. We definitely did not want that.<br />
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The kids on the hay ride/tractor pull heading to the Corn Maze. I sat across from the kids so I could take photos of them during the trip.<br />
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It was a nice ride, albeit a little bumpy and cold. The farm is beautiful with all the Fall leaves changing colour in the background. I thought how nice it would be to live on a farm like that. Maybe not one that was open to the public and swarmed with hundreds of strangers. But they only did that on weekends and only at certain times of the year. It seems like it would be a peaceful way to live but it would be a lot of work to maintain a farm.<br />
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I called it a Corn Maze but it wasn't really a maze, just a long trail. I got a picture of the kids before they headed in.<br />
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We stopped for so many photos along the trail that we were way behind the rest of the group from our hay ride. As we emerged from the exit they were just pulling away without us! "Don't worry. Another one is coming in a minute." I thought they'd abandoned us there.<br />
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The children of the corn. It took a couple of failed attempts but I managed to snap a selfie that fit all of us in there. So cute. It was a fun day. It's always fun spending time with May and the kids. She always makes me laugh. No one on Earth gets me like May does. Michelle always has a ball with Reggie too. Michelle was wanting to run through the trail but I didn't want her to slip and fall in the mud and I also didn't want to miss out on getting photos of her along the way. Throughout the trail they had quizzes about corn. They gave the answers at the end. Corn is used for so many things other than just eating corn and popcorn: High fructose corn syrup, cornstarch, it's even used in ethanol, plastics.<br />
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My girl and me on the corn trail. Sometimes the camera would blur the background and leave us in focus. Other times everything in the frame was clear. I would just click and hope for the best. It is much easier to take a selfie with a cellphone where you can see the screen and know what you're taking. Selfies with a regular camera are always just an educated guess. You hold it up in front of you and assume you're in the shot but you never really know until you turn it around afterward and see the screen. I got lucky with this one. And Michelle is even smiling. I thought she'd be complaining about how many pictures I was taking but she was having fun anyway.<br />
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Cuddling with my girl on the ride back. As promised another tractor did come around to pick us up.<br />
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May took our picture. I like this shot of Michelle and me with the forest of Fall trees in the background. I set it to the multiple shots setting so May just had to press the button and it would create 6 different images. I wound up liking all of them. Each one was cool in its own way.<br />
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Another group shot before we headed inside to warm up. I couldn't wait to look in the gift shop. They always had so many cute and pretty things and I was getting really cold. It was also a treat to sit down and have lunch after all of that walking. It's a huge place to explore. The kids seem to have boundless energy but my energy is definitely limited.<br />
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After the farm we were heading back to May's for our traditional Halloween dress rehearsal -- taking pictures of the kids in their costumes. I couldn't wait to see Shannon's. She's so artistic she always does something amazing with her Halloween makeup.<br />
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I didn't do much for Michelle's makeup for the dress rehearsal. We just drew a little nose on her. I loved Shannon's broken/haunted doll costume. Her makeup was gorgeous. Reggie was some sort of a ninja character from a book or movie or comic I wasn't sure but it looked cool. I just stuck my Mama deer antlers on. Michelle had her new little reindeer from the gift shop to go with her reindeer outfit. I had a hard time getting the zipper undone for her costume. Shane was able to get it down for me.<br />
"This better not happen on Halloween!" I said. I was counting on her wearing her deer outfit to stay warm outside. It had to be able to zip up and down.<br />
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We posed outside for a minute even though it was cold. I love seeing the kids dressed up for Halloween. That's one of my favourite things about Halloween -- seeing kids, even strangers, dressed up and coming to the door saying "Trick or treat." It was hard because I needed to be in two places at once -- at the door giving out treats and walking around with Michelle trick or treating. It's times like that that having a partner in the picture would come in handy. Someone to man the door. The way I handled it was to take Michelle out extra early and leave a bowl on the porch until we got back. A few other people had done the same thing. Even families that had a Mom and Dad in the picture, they BOTH wanted to go trick or treating with the kids. That would be sweet.<br />
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I love this artistic vignette shot of Shannon! It has an antique feel to it -- like a creepy circus/clown doll possessed by a demon. Shannon looks so beautiful and scary. She's an amazing artist. Her makeup is always a masterpiece. She's so talented. She liked the multiple shot setting on the new camera. My sister was impressed with it too. She wanted copies of all the pictures. I usually put all the photos of us and family events on a CD or thumb drive for her at the end of the year. So many pictures to go through.<br />
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I was hoping the camera would randomly do the drawing feature and it did. This was so neat. It's like a drawing/painting of Shannon. I never imagined when I got a new camera that it could do things like this. It's amazing what they can do now. I guess I shouldn't be resistant to technology. Sometimes it's really cool. I just don't like change.<br />
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One aggravating thing about the camera and computer was that the camera didn't come with a cord to upload pictures to the computer. It was supposed to be done wirelessly through wifi. It didn't work very well. It was very slow and frustrating. Sometimes the computer couldn't "find" the camera or vice versa. I was getting frustrated that I couldn't even upload my photos. I liked the old way where you just plugged the camera in and uploaded the pictures in seconds.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1M5aOVmtCCQ/XEtNgZrc47I/AAAAAAAAVEo/j8Z-jYZ-WhQCRwBsjyT8pQNQc9lGYHBRQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0348.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1441" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1M5aOVmtCCQ/XEtNgZrc47I/AAAAAAAAVEo/j8Z-jYZ-WhQCRwBsjyT8pQNQc9lGYHBRQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0348.JPG" width="288" /></a>I decided to try getting a cord to fit. I found one at the dollar store that fit into my camera. Success! Instead of wasting an hour trying to upload a few pictures they were transferred effortlessly in seconds! The old way was so much better! Why do they make things more complicated than they have to be? Were they just too cheap to give you a cord? Why did everything have to be wireless?<br />
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Anyway I was happy with my new camera and relieved that I could upload photos easily again which was good because there were a LOT of them.<br />
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I love this shot of my little deer and me. Portraits come out so clear now. You can see the difference that extra megapixels make. And a clear lens for a change.<br />
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Michelle's expression here is SO SWEET. I adore this shot. Sometimes the multiple shots are magic. Even though it's just random how the camera applies filters and composes the picture, sometimes it gets it just right and it's pure magic.<br />
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I was grateful for my new camera. Grateful for a fun day with Auntie May and for all the amazing and adorable photo ops. We were ready for Halloween.<br />
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And when she's not a deer, she's a kitty. Michelle has headbands for any and every theme and occasion. This adorable Halloween kitty one was perfect for a Halloween celebration day.<br />
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We were excited for Halloween. It would be here before we knew it.<br />
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Time kept flying. Sometimes I would see the year, the Spring, Summer and now the Fall whizzing by like photos in a slideshow set to fast forward. So many memories. As a kid it feels like you wait and wait for special occasions to come and it takes forever. Then you grow up and they're here and gone in the blink of an eye.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SIZiPRD9Huc/XEtOAzQS3ZI/AAAAAAAAVFw/-knSRllxgOQx_Qp1NWxa556fCXMv7MZjQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0397.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SIZiPRD9Huc/XEtOAzQS3ZI/AAAAAAAAVFw/-knSRllxgOQx_Qp1NWxa556fCXMv7MZjQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0397.JPG" width="320" /></a>There was a clothing collection coming up for the Kidney Foundation. I hadn't gone through my closets for years so I took the opportunity to do a huge clear out of things that no longer fit me or I didn't like. I managed to fill 35 bags. It felt good to get rid of things especially for a good cause. Now I had the clearing out and de-cluttering bug I couldn't stop. I decided to keep clearing out -- closets, cupboards, drawers. I organized my linen closet where things had been so crowded they were just shoved in. I could just punch my towels and sheets onto the shelves as they were packed and spilling over. Now I sorted through them and only kept what I really needed. Everything was folded perfectly.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-h6e3kWM61gA/XEtO_AlribI/AAAAAAAAVGQ/c0TCBLA6R9gSaRriTrZglinZY4HzI3U-gCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0443.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1223" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-h6e3kWM61gA/XEtO_AlribI/AAAAAAAAVGQ/c0TCBLA6R9gSaRriTrZglinZY4HzI3U-gCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0443.JPG" width="244" /></a>I organized my bathroom cupboards, getting rid of and organizing makeup and accessories and my kitchen cupboards, stacking tupperware perfectly, recycling containers without lids, old pots etc. I filled more and more bags for charity and dropped them off at thrift stores and local charities. I even cleared out boxes from the garage that had been sitting there unopened since the move. I figured if I went years not using these things I was never going to want or need them. I went through them and aside from a couple of things I fished out, it all went to charity. It was cleansing to get rid of things. I felt empowered and in control. There were a lot of things that I couldn't control but I could at least put my home in order. It was exhausting work though and I found myself getting emotional. These clothes and items weren't just objects they were part of my former life and it was somewhat painful to let them go. Things that I had avoided dealing with for so long and tried to ignore I was finally acknowledging and dealing with. It was a lot to go through. My therapist wasn't surprised it was taking a toll on me emotionally.<br />
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She found my clearing out symbolic and compared it to therapy. My home, like my mind, had a lot of clutter (mind full rather than mindful) that no longer served me. It was time to release it and focus on the present, the things that I love and that do serve me. It's hard when you spend most of your time trying to stay distracted and to avoid uncomfortable emotions to finally address the skeletons in your closet and clear out what you didn't need. Just as I was trying to let go of unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviours. I had so much stuff. Each item had to pass the test -- do I use this/need this/love this? If it was none of the above it was gone.<br />
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Having my home de-cluttered, tidy and organized felt really good. I made a commitment to try to keep it that way. I had to stop shopping and accumulating things. I would be a more discriminating shopper. I would only buy what I really loved or really needed. If something wasn't going to be adding anything to my life then it was taking away from my life, stealing space and energy. I really do believe there is something to feng shui. With my home in order I was more calm, at peace. I could breathe better. I started doing yoga again.<br />
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Michelle's last ballet class before Halloween they were allowed to wear their costumes to class. I told her it was a bad idea, that she'd be too hot and sweaty dancing around in that heavy thing. Sure enough she was sweating buckets. I also didn't want it getting wrecked because she was still going to wear it to the Halloween party at school and then out on Halloween. I was worried about the zipper which was pretty tricky to get up and down. She looked so cute in her little deer costume though and at least she would be warm enough for trick or treating. She wouldn't even have to wear a coat over it. I tried to find something brown for me to wear but even after going through my whole closet I didn't find much brown aside from a light Fall pleather jacket. It would have to do. I'd just wear black pants on the bottom.<br />
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Another birthday party. Michelle was a popular girl. It seemed like she had a party or play date just about every week. I was trying to let go a little more and actually left her at the party rather than sticking around. That gave me a couple of hours to myself anyway which I spent continuing my clear out project. I couldn't seem to stop. I went through Michelle's old clothes. I sold some on Kijiji. I gave some to charity. She was growing so fast. She had not only outgrown her size 6 clothes. She was now starting to outgrow size 7. A lot of her pants were too tight. I had to start getting size 10-12 instead of 7-8. It was crazy to think she could fit in size 10 now. Everyone always commented how tall she was. At least her father gave her something. Her name and her height.<br />
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Michelle was excited to carve the pumpkins. I always find it a bit of a chore but it was kind of fun. At least Michelle wasn't as squeamish about touching the pumpkin guts so she actually helped me to scoop them out this year. She designed two of the pumpkins -- a witch and a ghost and I did my favourite cat themed pumpkin, this time with an extra wide grin. The actual scooping out is the part that I hate because it takes so long and is such a mess but I love putting the lights in at the end. At the dollar store I got little artificial tea lights that light up without a flame and look just like the real thing -- such a great invention.<br />
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I got a picture of us with our carved pumpkins and did the multiple shot setting to see what filters the camera would come up with.<br />
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Our ghoul head didn't light up any more but he was still creepy. On Halloween day I always set up a body to sit in the chair on the veranda using an old coat and pants of mine stuffed with pillows and bags and then I stick the ghoul head on top. We got out our old zombie babies and other Halloween decorations too. I got more than enough Halloween treats and managed to (mostly) restrain myself from eating them all before Halloween.<br />
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We did a little last minute shopping (some habits die hard) and got a little unicorn costume for Ali. It was too cute not to get it.<br />
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Ali simply hated her new unicorn costume but it was adorable and the way that it made Michelle smile and laugh was more than worth it. Ali was not happy and wanted to get out of it.<br />
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I managed to get a few photos of her in it at least before she made her escape. We laughed our heads off. Cats really are hilarious when you try to get them to do something they really don't like. If I'm ever feeling really down I can always go to Youtube and watch "Cats afraid of cucumbers" and manage to laugh in spite of myself. I still don't understand what makes cats afraid of cucumbers. (I tried it on Ali and she couldn't have cared less. I guess every cat is different.)<br />
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I even got in on the family unicorn portrait with another unicorn headband (also Michelle's).<br />
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It would have been great if Michelle had been smiling and Ali had been looking but you can't have everything. Ali was mostly just angry at me for putting the costume on her. I guess I should be grateful she didn't just run away. She was waiting for the right moment. Cats do NOT like wearing clothes. I don't think dogs do either for that matter. As much as they hate it their owners love it because it's just so darn cute.<br />
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And then Ali was like "F%^$ this sh#@! I'm outta here!"<br />
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I caught her as she started to walk away. I love Michelle's smile here. I finally put Ali out of her misery and took the unicorn costume off of her. I really shouldn't have bought it I suppose. It did pass my new shopping test though: Do I need it? No. Is it useful? No. Do I love it? Hell YES! And even if she only wore it for a few seconds for a few photographs it's worth it. And if I ever really need a laugh or a smile I can take it out again, put it on Ali and let the hilarity ensue.<br />
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This shot is priceless. Michelle was riding her bike with her friend when suddenly her brother came out in a creepy mask.<br />
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I love Michelle's laugh. Every day Michelle wanted to ride her bike. I didn't even argue with her. I felt like she was making up for lost time. We had gone a month without even trying and then she finally got it once school had started and the cold weather was coming and she wouldn't have that long to enjoy it. Of course Spring and Summer will come again. And maybe by then she'll be on the bigger bike. For now it's still easier to be able to step down on flat feet rather than tippy toes.<br />
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Oh deer! My sales resistance was even lower when Michelle was with me. She somehow talked me into getting her this enormous, adorable squishmallow (or whatever it's called) deer pillow. I couldn't say no. Yes I do love it and she loves it. I wasn't supposed to be buying things. I wasn't supposed to be spending money and adding to the clutter after I spent so much time and energy clearing things out. When I was on my own I was pretty disciplined. Just stick to necessities -- groceries, housewares. Things you need. Maybe a small item or two if I really loved it and it was on sale. I hadn't fully acknowledged what a shopoholic I was (a trait inherited from Mom no doubt.) Clearing out the skeletons in my closet forced me to confront and deal with my addictions. Some addictions -- to things like food and shopping are insidious because they don't seem like addictions. It's not like you're doing drugs or drinking. But anything that you carry to excess. Anything that is depleting your resources and hurting rather than helping you in some way. Anything that you do somewhat unconsciously and can't seem to stop and can never get enough of, is an addiction. Addictions are not healthy. They can be very difficult to give up. I was working on it. As in most things I was a work in progress.<br />
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And then the big day arrived! Halloween! Michelle went to school in her deer costume. I was worried she'd wreck it before we even got to go out that night.<br />
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I picked Michelle up wearing my Mama deer antlers but I hadn't done my full makeup yet. I'd save that for the evening. Michelle was so excited to go trick or treating. She wanted to go right after school. I told her we had to at least wait until dinner time, around 5:30. Even at that some people wouldn't be home from work yet. I did want to get out early though so we could be back in time to answer the door to the trick or treaters. I liked that part too.<br />
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And then we were off. It wasn't even dark out yet. Michelle wanted to do her own makeup. She did pretty well. I had fun with my makeup. I had looked online for ideas/suggestions.<br />
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We got a lot of compliments on our costumes/makeups. One person mistook Michelle for a giraffe though! I couldn't help but laugh. I guess brown and spotted could be confusing. But she didn't have a long neck! She was nice and toasty warm in her deer outfit with a long sleeved t-shirt and pants underneath. It was great not to have to wear a coat and ruin it like you do with many Halloween costumes. I was glad it didn't rain this year like it has for almost EVERY Halloween for the past six years.<br />
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CUTENESS OVERLOAD! SUPER CUTE!<br />
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Of all the doors we visited, this Super Bunny was by far the SWEETEST costume EVER! So adorable! I couldn't resist getting a picture. He or she was much more cooperative than my Ali unicorn. She really was a super bunny!<br />
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Bunnies are so cute it almost makes me want them until I remember hearing how they chew all the cords in the house if you let them out so you have to keep them in a cage and it's a lot of poo to clean up. Yeah, no. All things considered cats are still the best pets for so many reasons. Even if you can't dress them up or take them anywhere.<br />
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What Halloween would be complete without running into an emoji and rainbow poops? Too cute! It was starting to get dark. We had been out for a while and were making our way back home. I was exhausted. Thankfully even Michelle had had enough. Plus she was anxious to give candy to the kids. Yes SHE wanted to do it. I let her even though that was one of my favourite things. It was cute watching her answer the door and give candy to all the kids. She seemed so grown up. Like she was the lady of the house. I wanted to take pictures of her with all the kids at the door but managed to restrain myself. Plus I was busy sorting through her candy. Taking out pieces that were suspect or that I knew she didn't like. She doesn't like anything with peanut butter so those were mine!<br />
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Poor Ali. Rainbow unicorn was NOT happy.<br />
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Yes we couldn't resist another attempt to get Ali cat into costume. It was Halloween after all. She simply was not having it. This time it lasted about two seconds before she bolted. At least I got one picture. Or two. Or three...<br />
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"You know there's a Super Bunny down the street that wears her costume all night! But OK. You do you!"<br />
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I restrained myself from photographing every tricker treater at the door but this one I just HAD to get a picture of! This costume was sheer genius! A box made to look like a washing machine, complete with a window and detergent inside and a laundry basket on top for the head with clothes in it! This Mom deserves an A++ for this homemade costume. Very inventive. I absolutely loved it. I wish that I was that ambitious or crafty but it's 1000 times easier to just buy a costume at Spirit Halloween. Of course now that I'm tackling my shopping addiction maybe I won't do that anymore. Maybe next year we'll get more creative and MAKE our costume... Sure. Or just re-purpose the many that we already have! I could be a creepy bear. And Michelle could be...Goldilocks? She already has the hair for it. I'll run it by her. But something tells me she'll pick out another expensive costume and like a sucker I'll get it for her. I thought she could at least use the reindeer outfit again for Christmas time but when we went to take it off Halloween night the zipper broke right off. Sigh. It wasn't cheap either. At least we got through Halloween.<br />
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Now my post is done. Finally. I wanted to finish it in January at least. It seems ridiculous enough to be writing about September and October in January. I couldn't let it go to February. At some point I'd like to catch up somewhat and not be so far behind. I don't know why I worry. It's not as though I have a deadline or anything. No one is asking me to do this! I do this for me. I need to somehow. It is still another way for me to feel that I am in control of my life. Putting this blog together helps me to relive my experiences. To think about what I went through, good and bad, and see where I am now. It helps me. And it's nice to check my stats and know that readers around the globe are following my journey. So if you're one of them, thank you for reading.<br />
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Now here I am at the last minute on JANUARY 31st scrambling to get this in on time! Please excuse any typos etc. Editing will have to come later...It's a work in progress, like me.Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-12948105560722303732018-11-30T23:58:00.001-05:002019-02-01T09:48:33.270-05:00Summer-izing<div style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;">
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July and August were like fireworks. Hot and brief. Beautiful, crazy and over in seconds. It was the hottest Summer I could remember. So many days were 30-40 degrees Celsius out. Too hot to handle. It's not normal but it's the new normal. We tried to limit our time outdoors. Global warming, #ClimateChange were wreaking havoc around the world. In Canada things were just a LOT hotter.<br />
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Michelle loved catching toads. Here she is holding a baby toad so tiny you almost can't see him in her little fingers. Adorable. She was thrilled to find them and I was thrilled for the photo op.<br />
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Michelle became our official toad saver every time I mowed the lawn. I'd see one hop out in front of me and stop the mower, then she'd collect him in her little plastic toad hotel. We'd catch bugs for them to eat. We'd keep them for a day or two and then let them go. Michelle said when she grew up she wanted to "Save the Animals." I told her she can do anything she wants to do.<br />
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Just like that it was JULY! July 1st. Crazy. Time was flying. Michelle was done school and now we could share adventures together. We were going to spend Canada Day with Auntie May. We let our little toad friends go and then headed off for a visit. </div>
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Michelle was excited to see fireworks for the first time. I had always loved fireworks. I was a little worried because it was SUCH a hot day and there would be a lot of walking. Also there is always a HUGE crowd for fireworks displays and it can be overwhelming. Parking is always a nightmare. And the show can't start until it's dark enough, which, in the Summer is VERY LATE. Like 10 pm. A bit late to be out with kids but people do it. And after all the walking and wading through the crowd and waiting for it to start, the show itself is over in a few minutes. It's sort of a metaphor for life.</div>
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Shane dropped us off near the park so we didn't have to contend with parking anyway. There was a HUGE crowd and it was still fairly early in the day. We got maple leaf temporary tattoos and Michelle got a red balloon animal. A lot of people were dressed in red and white. At least sometimes other people are into theme dressing too -- so it's not just me! I was wearing a red shirt and maple leaf pants. Michelle had on a red and white maple leaf dress (no they didn't have a matching one in my size unfortunately. Though it's probably just as well. It would likely not have been as cute on me!) Shannon and Reggie were very festive in red and white too. I don't think May was wearing red and white. She didn't want to be in the pictures.<br />
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It was a HUGE crowd with a very LONG line up for everything. Michelle and Reggie wanted to go in the Bouncy Castles. Personally I couldn't understand the appeal of jumping around in 45 Celsius heat. Even just standing still I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust never mind jumping up and down, but kids will be kids. The heat didn't seem to bother them that much. It was late in the day but the sun was still out just as bright as if it were noon.<br />
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Of course I couldn't resist snapping some photos of Michelle bouncing around in the inflatables. She was having a ball. Mama, not so much. I was hot and tired and thirsty. The line up to get ice cream was about 100 people deep and I wasn't feeling that ambitious. Plus I had to keep an eye on the kids. May had gone to the washroom I think. There were so many people that everything was just a huge hassle/ordeal. Still, it was the first time Michelle would be seeing fireworks so I figured it was worth it.<br />
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It still wasn't nearly dark enough for the fireworks to start but we figured we'd claim a spot on the grass before there weren't any spots left. We figured we'd have a good view near the stage. Unfortunately it was going to be a long wait and Michelle was running out of patience. She wanted ice cream. The line up for ice cream was now about 1000 people long. I figured I'd be better off leaving the park and finding ice cream somewhere down the street at that rate. So I set off on a venture while they waited. I walked. And walked. And walked all the way down the street. There were crowds everywhere. After a certain point I did the math and realized that even IF I found ice cream now, at this distance, by the time I got back to the park with it, it would be melted. After my long absence Michelle was BEYOND bummed that I had no ice cream for her. I told her it was a trip through Hell for me too and all for naught. I promised her we'd get ice cream somewhere after the fireworks were over.<br />
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Trying to be patient, we took some pictures at least. It was getting a little darker out and we were excited to see the fireworks. There were crowds everywhere. Shannon saw a couple of her friends in the crowd and went to sit with them.<br />
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Michelle and Reggie were getting restless. At one point Reggie started flossing (the dance, not the tooth cleaner!) to break the monotony. At this point I really just wanted to get out of the crowd and get home. Huge crowds start to make me feel claustrophobic. Mostly because I was nearly crushed in a crowd at a concert once.<br />
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Michelle asked if she could play on my phone. The only games I have on my ancient i-Phone are Angry Birds and Nom Nom (or whatever that monster eating candy game is called.) I only have them because Shannon put them on there for me. I don't mind Michelle playing on it for a few minutes here and there (in doctor's offices etc) to keep her happy.<br />
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I tried to catch a picture of her in the light of the screen and it turned out kind of cool, like there are two of her. Trippy. So she had her game and I had photography. We were both happy. But I really wished the fireworks would start. Capturing fireworks is a challenge but sometimes it works out.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iEQSFFdR5oc/W62qCXJZyhI/AAAAAAAATYg/BGMbf4eASxMSpTw_uKo0nhMt8_1xJKapwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9544.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1291" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iEQSFFdR5oc/W62qCXJZyhI/AAAAAAAATYg/BGMbf4eASxMSpTw_uKo0nhMt8_1xJKapwCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN9544.JPG" width="161" /></a>When we claimed our spot we didn't realize that the stage actually blocks a lot of the fireworks so we didn't get to sit and enjoy them after all. We had to get up and move to a better spot and stand for them. It was worth the wait though. They were beautiful and Michelle was THRILLED!<br />
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It's magical. Out of the darkness the sound, the explosion of light and colour and these breathtaking creations like flowers that bloom for only an instant then disappear. It's such a metaphor for life. You wait and wait for these beautiful, magical moments and then they arrive but just as quickly they're over. That's why I take so many pictures because it's the only way you get to hold on. Something so ephemeral is suddenly eternal. The moment frozen in time.<br />
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I took a hundred pictures. They weren't all gems. A lot of them I snapped too early or too late or they were blurry. It's hard to get the perfect shot unless you have a fancy camera on a tripod and everything. It was hard to keep my hand steady enough. Especially when I had to hold Michelle with one arm because she said that she couldn't see in the crowd. I can't tell you how hard it is trying to balance a camera on your palm with one hand while holding a 50 lb girl on your hip with the other.<br />
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We didn't want it to end. 1. Because you never want good things to end and 2. Because once it was over we had to make our way through the MASSIVE crowd and make a very long hike to meet Shane. In order to escape the parking nightmare Shane had dropped us off and was picking us up. Unfortunately he couldn't get anywhere near the park. There were thousands of people flooding into the streets. So we had to walk a LONG way to meet him. Michelle was tired and asked me to piggyback her. I was tired too and being a beast of burden was not helping. It had been a long day/night. I couldn't wait to go to bed or even just to LIE DOWN. Still, even if it's midnight, a promise is a promise. I told Michelle we'd get ice cream somehow. Shane stopped by McDonalds so we could get cones. Everyone was pretty sleepy but you just can't say no to ice cream. We also had sparklers to light so we did that for a minute before we headed home.<br />
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All in all it had been a fun day. I love spending time with May and the kids. My Mom doesn't come on outings like this because she's not a fan of being outdoors, walking etc. She would have been complaining it was too hot, nowhere to sit, etc. Also she's never been a big fan of fireworks.<br />
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I love sharing adventures with Michelle. I wanted to give her the best Summer ever. I was grateful to have more time to spend with her. She's growing up so fast and these moments are precious. I thought about all the things we could do together -- trips to the beach, excursions, whatever she wanted to do. There was a lot to look forward to. I needed that. Even though it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, Michelle helped to keep me distracted from my own problems. I was still going through therapy. I still had a lot to work out.<br />
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Now that Michelle was out of school, I had to take her everywhere with me, even to my therapy appointments. I worried how she would be. I asked her to please sit quietly and read or draw or play on my phone. She chose to play on my phone at first.<br />
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She was good as gold and didn't really interrupt or anything. She just sat there quietly in the corner. Of course I didn't really feel as free to open up with my therapist about my struggles. I try to shield Michelle as much as possible. I don't want her to realize the degree to which Mama is falling apart. I cry during many of my sessions. With Michelle there I managed to restrain myself. Just barely. My eyes were welling back but I choked back the tears. I want Michelle to feel secure. Part of that is pretending that Mama is strong and is holding it together. Even when that couldn't be further from the truth.<br />
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I'm not a fan of guns but if it's a bubble gun I can allow it! Michelle loves bubbles. Most kids do. Even I do for that matter. There's something magical about them. These tiny little glassy orbs with swirling rainbows of colours. There they are out of thin air, round and perfect as a planet but so fragile. You chase them and then POP they're gone. It's like fireworks. I have a weakness for beautiful things that don't last. (Like love too I guess but I've managed to live without that for years now. Romantic love anyway. Michelle is my unconditional love now and that's all I need.) Once again, the impermanent (bubble) is made permanent in photos. It may have only lived for seconds but there it is in a photographic image forever. I am a photoholic because I have this obsessive need to hold on to the moment forever. It's the only way you can. Each moment is gone. Just like that. Summer ended like a moment. I still can't believe it's Winter now as I type this...<br />
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Spending time with Michelle was the best therapy. The stress and worries would melt away for a few moments at least. What could there be to worry about when your little girl is laughing and chasing bubbles? She lives in this shiny, perfect, magical, beautiful world. It was a world I wanted to inhabit too. Such a sharp contrast to the real world, the one I was trying to forget about, the one that broke me, the one that was falling apart, full of despair and pain and anger and fear, a people and planet in trouble while I felt helpless to do anything about it. Sometimes watching Michelle I could silence the anxiety for a few moments. Real life it seemed to me was a horror movie. I wanted to live in a Disney movie. Sharing your days with a Princess helps!<br />
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Ali loved being outside too. I let her come out with us most of the time. We had to keep an eye on her though. Even with her big round belly she can slip under the fences in a couple of spots. For the most part she was content to relax in her own yard without making a break for it.<br />
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She was happy and purring. Her fur warm in the sunshine. The sound of a cat purring is one of the most soothing sounds in the world. If I could spend every minute with my two girls, Michelle and Ali, they could keep me safe from any distressing thoughts or dark realities. Unfortunately ignoring and avoiding problems doesn't always (or ever?) make them go away. They were still waiting for me to deal with them. Usually they would wait until I try to lay down at night to sleep and then my mind would not shut off. I would worry and spin and get myself into a panic about all the things I couldn't control (just about everything!)<br />
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"Where do you want to go today?"<br />
"The BEACH!"<br />
It was our happy place. Michelle loved playing in the sand and water. I loved the zen of relaxing at the beach. The sun, sand and sound of waves and seagulls. And the palm trees. I LOVE palm trees. I may not be able to fly around the world and visit the tropical paradise of my dreams (with #ClimateChange and natural disasters wreaking havoc on many of my bucket list locations it may be just as well!) but I could at least make a day trip to Port Dover Beach and relax in the sand underneath the palm trees and PRETEND I'm somewhere tropical!<br />
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Michelle is a social butterfly. It just comes naturally to her. She makes friends everywhere we go. I envy her confidence and ability to turn strangers into friends so easily. I have NEVER had that. Not even close. I'm an introvert. Insecure, shy, quiet. I could live somewhere for years and not talk to anyone. She will go somewhere for one day and she knows everyone. I'm glad she's that way. It makes life easier for her. I know that some of it is innate -- as a Leo she's a natural born leader -- but I'd like to think part of her confidence comes from her having a solid foundation of love and support. When you feel loved and safe and secure you have the confidence to take risks because you know someone always has your back. I never really had that. I know my Mom loved me in her own way but I always felt somewhat unloved, unnoticed and unappreciated in the family. I constantly doubted myself and felt like a failure at everything (even when I won first place, awards etc.) It felt like I was never good enough. I felt like I had to knock myself out to get any attention and even then it didn't matter. But enough about me! Long story short, I wanted Michelle to have the advantages I didn't have in life. I do everything I can to help her to believe in herself and to be happy and feel like she can do anything because I never had that.<br />
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After a trip to the beach we also both love looking around the little shops nearby with cute beach decor. There were so many cool things. We couldn't buy it all so we got a picture with it at least. I thought how nice it would be to have a beach house by the ocean and fill it with all these cute beach themed decorative items. Of course in today's climate coastal living is risky. So many apocalyptic storms. At least we're relatively safe in Canada. For now. I try not to think about the Apocalypse too much. But it does keep me up some nights.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GxVGyNFNpTU/W-sYJy3E7eI/AAAAAAAATeo/fzf2qEvPXrcnTjzHXWPN1p2dJ37r2vCQQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9767.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1170" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GxVGyNFNpTU/W-sYJy3E7eI/AAAAAAAATeo/fzf2qEvPXrcnTjzHXWPN1p2dJ37r2vCQQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9767.JPG" width="234" /></a>One day Michelle just wanted to hang out at home and dress up and do her makeup. She wound up gothing it up with a bat headband, black dress and lipstick. It's not surprising she's drawn to things Gothic. Her father was basically a goth (or actually the Prince of Darkness himself!) and would watch nothing but disturbing horror movies. Her Mama had a Goth period (in my 20s) where I would only wear black, watch and read horror, draw and paint morbid self portraits, reading Sylvia Plath and penning my own depressing poems. These days I prefer bright colours. Pink, turquoise, lavender. These days I can't even watch horror movies because I don't want to go there. I feel like I lived through it in real life (in my job and personal life.) I don't want to think about the darkness. I want to focus on unicorns and rainbows. I want to live in a magical fairy tale world of smiles and glitter and pretty things. And as the Mom of a 6 year old girl, it's not hard to do. Spending most of my time with Michelle helped to keep me distracted.<br />
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As a child I wished I could take piano lessons and I never got to. So when Michelle wanted to take piano I said yes. I'm so grateful to be able to give her that. It's been amazing watching her learn to read music and play so many songs. I'm proud of her. She loves it too. Sometimes I had to hound her to practice piano and I told her how lucky she was because I never got lessons. But soon she was enthusiastic about practicing. She wanted to do it on her own. I didn't even have to ask her. And when it was a song she really liked she would play it over and over until she had it memorized. One time she even transposed a song. Her teacher was impressed.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jFo2vAkqx7o/W-sYKGBCQKI/AAAAAAAATes/JAlcC2AQtEMB3K3v7oo-sYoBYEGK7NyVACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9778.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jFo2vAkqx7o/W-sYKGBCQKI/AAAAAAAATes/JAlcC2AQtEMB3K3v7oo-sYoBYEGK7NyVACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9778.JPG" width="320" /></a>I never learned to read music. I just learned to play basic chords on the guitar. But even from those chords the songs came flooding out. It was wonderful to be able to share my songs again, to be part of a songwriting community. It had been years since I'd done that. After having Michelle I figured it wasn't an option. I couldn't drag a baby out to open mic nights. But now she was old enough to appreciate it. It wasn't too late of a night and being Summer it's not like she had school the next day. So we started going to the open stage at the Starving Artist Cafe. I loved seeing art from local artists and hearing other singers/songwriters perform. It was like coming home.<br />
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Our own art show! I was thrilled not only to be able to play my music again but to be able to show my artwork. Michelle wanted to be involved too so I included one of her drawings of a cat in the show (along with my pink and turquoise cats and portraits.) We got the spot right by the window so people passing by on the street could see our work. It was kind of surreal to see my paintings in the cafe. Art had been therapy for me. I included many of my new watercolour paintings in the show. I got a lot of positive response on my work however I didn't sell any paintings. Michelle said she was a bit sad we didn't sell anything but also glad because she really didn't want to part with her work. I felt the same way. When the month was over and we were taking the work down I told her we'd display them at home and have our own art gallery.<br />
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One of my pieces was considered somewhat controversial: my Yoga Jesus. An East meets West/Christian meditation watercolour with Jesus in lotus. It's something I had thought about years ago and wanted to do. There were times in my life when I really needed Jesus to watch over me. I thought it would be cool to do a portrait of him to watch over me. I picture Jesus as this calm, cool, laid back peace and love hippie and that's what I love about Him. He's the opposite of the fire and brimstone angry God of the old testament. Anyway, I never got around to doing my Yoga Jesus portrait until now. I felt like I needed Jesus more than ever and now I had the time to work on it. Plus I was doing yoga every day and it just felt right. One woman in the cafe questioned whether it was blasphemous to show Jesus like that. I said I meant no disrespect. I love Jesus. But I also love yoga. To me you can be spiritual and embrace both eastern and western philosophies. Peace and love. How can that be wrong? I was relieved no one bought Jesus because I wanted Him back home with me.<br />
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My paintings, like my songs, are so intensely personal. It's like putting my heart and soul out there for the world to see. It was nice to hear positive feedback about them. Some people said that I put a little of myself into all of my portraits. I've heard that about other artists. It's natural. Every artist has their own style and you can tell it's theirs when you look at any of their work. I was a little hurt/disappointed not to sell anything but it goes with the territory. It's called the "Starving Artist" cafe for a reason. Very few are able to eke out a living as an artist. Many of the most famous artists, whose paintings sell for millions today, died penniless. I was too practical/afraid to go all in with any of my creative pursuits. I dabbled in art, writing, acting. I always had a regular job to pay the bills. But I needed creativity as a hobby to keep me sane. When I lost that I started to lose myself and break down. Of course being under constant stress and on no sleep didn't help much either!<br />
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Michelle posing with her own picture in the art show. She was so proud. "I can't believe I'm only 5 years old and I HAVE AN ART SHOW!" I was happy to be able to give her that. I wanted to support her and encourage her to go after her dreams whatever they may be. Some days she wanted to be an artist or a designer. Other days she wanted to be a doctor or a scientist. She loved ballet and piano. I told her she could be whatever she wanted. She has the talent, the intelligence, the spark and most importantly the confidence to go after whatever she wants and get it. It's like I get to live my life over again, only better. Michelle is a vast improvement over Mama. Where fear and self-doubt held me back and kept me from taking risks most of the time, Michelle has the courage and confidence to just go for it. It helps that she gets so much love and support, attention and praise. I figure if I've done nothing else right in my life I can at least get this right. She is more important to me than anything.<br />
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Michelle and me dancing with a flock of other random strangers at the Children's Festival. I was glad to share adventures with my girl and moments like this one, even though it was a bit embarrassing. A dancer approached us and asked if we'd be involved. All we had to do was follow her movements swaying back and forth. Then it would pass to another dancer on another stage and we'd have to follow them. At one point we were just flapping our wings like birds. It was sort of freeing to be standing in the middle of a crowd, looking sort of silly and not really caring. I had been so serious for so long, it was about time for me to get back in touch with my silly side. The secret to happiness is to maintain your childlike sense of wonder, to be spontaneous once in a while. For a control freak and worrier like me it's not easy task. But I can do it for a few moments here and there!<br />
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Wherever we are, if there is face painting, Michelle is down for it!<br />
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She wanted to be a pink kitty because of course she did. It's so cute. I love the little ears drawn over her eyebrows and her pink nose.<br />
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I was so glad that Auntie May had suggested going to the Children's Festival even though it was such a hot day I felt like I was going to melt. Just about every day was like that. It wasn't so bad if you were going swimming but if you were walking around it was scorching. Somehow kids don't seem to feel the heat as much. They still wanted to run amok anyway. We needed to stay hydrated though. Luckily they had fountains to refill your water bottles as needed. And we spent some time in the building to get a little A/C.<br />
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Bucket list: bucket ride!<br />
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Michelle wanted a ride in the bucket so we waited in a VERY long line for her to get her wish. Some kids had their parents with them in the bucket. Michelle said no, she wanted to go it alone. It was a little unnerving for me to watch my baby being hoisted into the sky in a bucket attached to a crane. But I let her do it because it made her happy and I know that letting her do things that scare me is necessary for her to learn and grow and be all that she can be. But the bubble wrap/helicopter parent in me was silently screaming. Still, it was a photo op. I asked her to wave when she got to the top but she forgot. I could barely even see her looking out over the edge. We waited for what seemed like an hour and then the ride only lasted a few seconds but that's just how it is with everything.<br />
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We went inside the building to cool off and there was some beautiful colourful artwork on display. So of course we had to pose with some of it. There were also activities for the kids. I was in no hurry to venture back out into the heat and the kids seemed relieved for the break as well. I can see in the photos how shiny we were. It was a scorcher but then there were a lot of those. At least we are in Canada where it's still habitable. Places that were already hot now experience lethal temperatures. Global warming is wreaking havoc in so many ways. For the most part I tried not to think about it. Staying distracted by doing fun things with Michelle seemed to be the best medicine against anxiety about my own life and the world in general. Unicorns and rainbows. Focus on the pretty things. Don't even look at anything mildly distressing.<br />
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And then there were bubbles!<br />
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We came upon a theatre room where kids were running amok chasing bubbles. Michelle and Reggie were right in there too. There's something magical about bubbles and kids can't resist chasing them. Unfortunately the kids were so focused on the bubbles they weren't always watching where they were going and there were a few head on (literally) collisions among the kids. When the decibel level of the screaming became unbearable we decided to move on. There was a craft room where the kids could make their own leaf magnets.<br />
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I absolutely LOVED the artwork. It was so vibrant and happy. So many rich colours. It almost made me want to break out my easel and paint canvases again. For now I was content just to paint my small watercolours. Unless you have a gallery showing to display your work, massive canvases can take up a lot of room. I thought how wonderful it would be to have a studio with room to work on enormous canvases. Maybe if I win the lottery. To be able to paint full time would be amazing.<br />
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Michelle is not afraid of snakes. Not even a HUGE python. I'm not afraid of snakes either. Mice, frogs, lizards, snakes. They're all cute to me. I can't be afraid of things that are cute. Insects, faceless, multi-legged, creepy sinister looking monsters are NOT CUTE. They are the ones that scare me! I've always had a phobia of bugs and spiders. Although I am warming up to spiders since they at least eat the other insects. Also because of Charlotte's Web.<br />
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Whenever Michelle wanted to go to the beach I was game. Summer wouldn't last forever. It was going so fast. If it was a nice day and the sun was shining, why not go for it? It makes both of us happy. It is literally my happy place. Of course it was always a bit of a production for us to head to the beach. I wish I was one of those people that could just throw a towel in a bag and be done, but no. We're gingers so we have to slather ourselves head to toe in sunscreen. I have to pack a bag of towels -- ones to sit on and ones to dry off with, a bag of snacks and drinks, a bag of sand toys. A trip to the beach means a LOT of baggage. Thankfully there is a parking lot right by the beach but on a busy day it can be hard to find a spot. Weekends in the Summer are pretty crazy. Even weekdays could be busy in July with all the people on vacation.<br />
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I never tire of the palm trees. I just love them. There is something so comforting about palm trees. When I went to the Dominican Republic, it felt like home. Part of me wanted to live there. I tried to bring the tropics to my own home by creating a mini tropical paradise in my backyard (with tropical plants, an artificial palm tree and a "beach" of sand. All I needed was the water) but it wasn't the same. My dream was to live by the ocean. Of course with climate change even paradise isn't paradise anymore. There are people who have lost everything. Their homes washed away. Natural disasters are at an all time high. It's dangerous to live too close to the ocean when the polar cap is melting and water levels are rising. At least a day trip to Port Dover lets me feel like I'm somewhere tropical, right here in Ontario.<br />
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"You're the best Mama in the world," Michelle said to me often. I always loved hearing it.<br />
"And you're the best little girl in the world!"<br />
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My Mom said I was spoiling Michelle by indulging her every whim. Getting her whatever she wanted (within reason), taking her everywhere she asked. "She won't even remember all the places you took her and all that you did for her," my Mom warned me.<br />
"Yes she will!" I said "I have photographic evidence!"<br />
Yes someday Michelle will be a teenager and maybe Mama won't seem so cool anymore and maybe she won't want to go anywhere with me but at least I'll be able to show her all the adventures we had together. And I hope she won't give me too hard of a time when she's older. I hope she'll always be my sweet girl. For now I'm just so grateful to have time to spend with her. It means more than anything.<br />
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Ali needed a bath. She had for quite sometime but I kept putting it off because it's just about the most unpleasant thing you can imagine. Michelle kept asking me to do it because she thought it would be fun/funny to watch. Oh sure. It's fun if you're not involved but it's the opposite of fun for Ali (cats are NOT a fan of water) or for Mama (who just about gets clawed to death trying to wrestle an overweight soaking cat). Ali was definitely NOT amused but at least we all survived the experience. Michelle laughed her head off.<br />
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We became regulars at the Starving Artist Cafe. It was a chance to visit our art and for me to share some of my music. Though I didn't sell any paintings I did sell a CD one night when a woman admired my music and bought one of my CDs. It was nice. My CD "Magnetic" was released TEN YEARS AGO! A decade ago. It's crazy. It seems like a lifetime ago. My life is so different now. Back then I was in a relationship, part of the musical community, playing music, working full time. I never could have imagined back then that one day I would have a child, be a single Mom. You never know how your life can change. It felt good to be playing music in public again. I had missed it. Michelle enjoyed it too. She often wanted to come up with me on stage and stand beside me while I performed. It was different every week. Some weeks there were only a few stragglers. Other weeks it was packed. You just never knew. It wasn't air conditioned though so it was VERY HOT in there. Especially on stage under the lights!<br />
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One of Michelle's best friends wasn't able to come to her party because she was going to be out of town so she asked to have a play date with Michelle. The girls had a blast. Her dad had a sprinkler underneath the trampoline (genius!) so they could jump around and be cooled off at the same time. The control freak in me was a little worried that she could get hurt. Something about jumping around on a slippery surface sounded dangerous but I just let go and trusted she would be OK. I had some things to get done around the house and having a little time to myself was a godsend. It was tough having Michelle home all Summer because I had to drag her everywhere (grocery shopping, appointments etc) and I had no time to myself. Michelle was becoming more independent and could entertain herself playing or reading but most of the time she wanted me to play with her or we'd go out. I felt pressured to entertain her and it made it hard to get anything done.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Oclg29kNic8/W-sfjOmbb5I/AAAAAAAATmE/ANOf96ZjVOMUrt9O98IwstspUK-ACfEGgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0072.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1183" data-original-width="1600" height="236" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Oclg29kNic8/W-sfjOmbb5I/AAAAAAAATmE/ANOf96ZjVOMUrt9O98IwstspUK-ACfEGgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0072.JPG" width="320" /></a>Every time I mowed the lawn now Michelle would<br />
catch toads and put them in her little aquarium. They were cute. We always let them go the next day. It was pretty cool to watch them for a while. I wondered if they appreciated the break from the heat being inside an air conditioned home. It was so hot most days -- like 40 degrees. I was sweating buckets when I mowed the lawn. My face would be beat red and I'd feel like I was going to collapse. Then I couldn't even go in and cool off/relax because I had to help Michelle get bugs and worms to feed the toads!<br />
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When I made pancakes Michelle would tell me what shape she wanted them to be in: cats, bunnies, butterflies. Some were harder than others. Then one day I surprised her with frog/toad pancakes in honour of our little toad guests.<br />
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"Do we HAVE to let them go?" Michelle would ask me.<br />
"Yes. It's not fair to keep them captive. They need to be free." So she'd reluctantly let them go and I couldn't resist snapping several photos of the experience. They were so tiny and cute in her little hands.<br />
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She asked me again if we could keep them. I told her absolutely not. They needed to eat and we weren't going to go looking for bugs and worms again. I wasn't even sure if they were eating them or not. Plus, they wanted to be free. It wasn't fair to keep them cooped up.<br />
"I'm going to miss you little guy," Michelle said. I assured her that she would probably see them, or some of their brothers, again.<br />
"They live in our yard. They're our little neighbours. You can catch them again next time I mow the lawn."<br />
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It took twice as long to mow the lawn these days because I had to keep watching the grass to make sure no one was in harm's way and to stop the mower and pick them up if a toad hopped into my path.<br />
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Michelle told me not to come into the room. She was working on something and I couldn't see it until she was done. Then I saw this adorable poster -- it's a huge drawing on a piece of bristol board.<br />
"You are the best Mama in the world."<br />
It was so sweet. I put it up on the basement door so I could see it all the time from the kitchen. Michelle loved drawing. She made a series of portraits of the family -- a self portrait, a portrait of Mama, Gramma and Grampa. They're so cute. The one of my dad looks just like him! She even added details like the little tufts of hair on his head. She put more details into the eyes and eyelashes. She had been studying my drawings and paintings closely and wanted to draw more like Mama. She didn't think her drawings were good enough. I reminded her that I'm a LOT older than her so I have a lot more practice. For five years old (almost six) her artwork was excellent.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_l7cFS_FFMQ/XAECr9udJTI/AAAAAAAATr4/WqQJK4UppcotLRnYkicBm-uExpK7V6kbQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0108.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1289" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_l7cFS_FFMQ/XAECr9udJTI/AAAAAAAATr4/WqQJK4UppcotLRnYkicBm-uExpK7V6kbQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0108.JPG" width="257" /></a>We went to see Hotel Transylvania 3 in 3D and loved it. It was cute and hilarious. We pretty much see every animated movie that comes out. The Hotel Transylvania series is one of our favourites. We were looking forward to seeing the new one. It was cool to have a change of scenery as well with the characters on a cruise ship.<br />
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Movies are such an escape. Whatever else is going on in your life you can sit in the darkened theatre and let that magical world on the screen pull you in. You forget everything for those two hours. The movie is all that exists.<br />
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Distraction was what I needed. Spending time with Michelle and trying to make it a shiny happy Disney movie for her 99% of the time seemed like the right thing to do. Some days it was easier than others.<br />
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We went to Nelson Park Pool one day with Gramma and Auntie May. We all love the pool. The beach is great except that the lake is cold, even on the hottest Summer day and dirty and full of seaweed and it's usually too wavy to swim. The pool is clean and HEATED so even if it's not too hot outside the water is perfect. The cold doesn't seem to bother the kids as much but for my Mom, my sister and me, we have a hard time easing into the water. We have to go in stages -- up to our knees, up to our waist then up to our chest (the chest is the hardest.) In a heated pool you can just go right in and it's refreshing.<br />
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I tried teaching Michelle to swim but it wasn't working. She was getting frustrated and I was getting stressed out. She enjoyed floating in her floatie lion anyway. I thought about getting her swimming lessons. I wish I'd had swimming lessons as a kid. My sister did as part of her school curriculum but I went to schools without a pool. Though I did learn to swim eventually it wasn't very well and I don't feel confident in deep water. I tend to panic if the water is too deep so I just avoid it. I like to keep my head above the water in every sense.<br />
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I had an important meeting to go to and I had to take Michelle with me. It just didn't seem feasible to drop her off at my Mom's in the opposite direction. I asked if it was OK if I brought my daughter. Thankfully it was. I was a nervous wreck on the way. Worried I'd be late, worried how it would go, worried how Michelle would be. Construction issues and road closures notwithstanding I managed to make it on time. Thankfully Michelle was an angel during the meeting. Everyone commented how good she was. She sat there quietly drawing and playing on my phone and didn't make a peep. If only Mama was as calm and composed. I was pretty emotional. It was a lot. I tend to catastrophize. I was worried what the future would hold, scared that I didn't have all the answers. Everyone was very supportive, kind and reassuring. They weren't putting pressure on me. I was putting pressure on myself. After the meeting I needed to go to my happy place to break the tension so we went to the Butterfly Conservatory. <br />
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Stepping inside the Butterfly Conservatory is literally like entering another world -- a magical tropical world where it's always Summer, there are always flowers and butterflies. Like going to the movies, it's a beautiful distraction, sheer escapism. I wanted to be distracted. I didn't want to face the issues in my life, in the world. I wanted to focus on beautiful things -- a perfect world of unicorns and rainbows and butterflies. Michelle helped me to do that. I could use the excuse that I was doing these things for her but they were just as much for me. Beauty is a necessity for me, as much as food, water, shelter. When I feel surrounded by ugliness and there is no time or opportunity to appreciate beauty, my soul starts to die. I get sick, physically and mentally. I had been there. I never wanted to go there again. I didn't want to think about it. My Mom was always calling to tell me the latest horrors in the news. "Nope. I don't want to hear it." What is the point of focusing on things that make you feel helpless/hopeless? I needed to be hopeful. For myself and my girl.<br />
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I love these moments with my sweet girl. I had read books about mindfulness. Sometimes I was able to be in the moment, especially when it was a moment I wanted to be in. I could take a deep breath and appreciate the beauty of my surroundings. Noticing every detail. Being really present. The past and the future didn't matter. I had this. I could cherish this. There were other moments I didn't really want to be in. When I was stressed, stuck in traffic, having a bad day. Sometimes I was anywhere but in the present -- I would swing back and forth between regret and despair over the past and anxiety over the future. Living in the past and the future can never bring happiness. The only way to be happy is to enjoy the Now, which is really all that there is. It's easier for children. Michelle's joy was boundless. She appreciated every moment. Life was magical to her. I wanted to feel that way too. Being around her helped. I was hoping her enthusiasm would rub off on me.<br />
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I love this picture! I love Michelle's cute smile here.<br />
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A butterfly landed on her foot and stayed there quite a while. Maybe it was drawn to her glittery bejeweled sandal. A kind stranger offered to take our picture so I didn't have to set the self-timer which was always a bit of a crap shoot. You never knew what it would take or whether someone who blunder right into the shot.<br />
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You feel privileged when a butterfly lands on you. One of the staff told us at one point that butterflies taste with their feet. They land on fruit and flowers to drink the sweet nectar so if a butterflies lights on your they must think that you're sweet. Michelle is sweeter than any fruit or flower.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UaowsXuvVUk/XAEFSnqq_cI/AAAAAAAATvk/6oe3JRGWsbsynd9JocpVBew-Q2hn_X6sgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0327.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1320" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UaowsXuvVUk/XAEFSnqq_cI/AAAAAAAATvk/6oe3JRGWsbsynd9JocpVBew-Q2hn_X6sgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0327.JPG" width="264" /></a>Michelle makes friends just about everywhere we go but it's not often that I do. We met a Mom and her son. Her camera was broken so I offered to take photos of she and her son and email them to her. We wound up walking around together and talking. It turned out we had a lot in common -- both single Moms who suffered from anxiety, who worked in stressful fields, who had been in toxic relationships. It was sort of uncanny. The kids were getting along famously too. She said it was unusual for her son to click with someone so well and he was very fond of Michelle. It was sweet. Even after leaving we stood and talked for an hour. We made plans to get together again for a play date. The kids didn't want to leave. "Can't she come over for lunch?" he asked. "Yes Mama can't we go with them?" It was nearly dinnertime by this point and they lived a distance away. We assured the kids we'd see each other again sometime.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--OgRESGbras/XAEFn4Gm3HI/AAAAAAAATv0/YkA2tzoHf2IOhvTVUbWAvC13_1_FwP69ACLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN0469.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--OgRESGbras/XAEFn4Gm3HI/AAAAAAAATv0/YkA2tzoHf2IOhvTVUbWAvC13_1_FwP69ACLcBGAs/s320/RSCN0469.JPG" width="320" /></a>I got a group photo of all of us. It was so nice to talk to someone who could relate to a lot of what I had been through and was going through. I told her about my situation, my stress, going through therapy, my meeting earlier and how we stopped by the Butterfly Conservatory afterward to cheer me up/get my mind off things. It seemed like it was fate that we meet. The kids bonded so well too. It was wonderful. </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/hXO8FyiuUj4/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/hXO8FyiuUj4?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>The butterflies loved Michelle. At one point one of them landed on her hair and was fluttering its wings right by her ear. It was almost like it was trying to whisper something into her ear. I caught a little of it on video as you can see. It was such a sweet experience. I was so glad we had gone. If I'd headed straight home after the meeting I would have been stewing and spinning and worrying about the future, getting in my head and torturing myself with what ifs, thoughts of failure, guilt etc. (It's what I do!) Instead, we went to our Happy Place and were reminded that life is beautiful and there is hope. And I'm not alone. There are people who understand and can relate. </div>
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My little unicorn and me. We had become regulars at the Starving Artist Cafe. Some weeks it was so crowded I was worried we wouldn't get a seat. Luckily we got our bench by the window underneath our artwork. It would be a little sad when we'd have to take our paintings down. It felt good to display my art again. Michelle was so proud that she had a picture in the show too. She talked about selling her artwork. I reminded her that we may not sell anything (which we didn't!) Our work was a little different from a lot of the other artists. A lot of the work was rather dark, gothic and macabre. Skeletons, ghoulish faces or angry looking abstracts. If that was what people were looking for they would find our pretty girls and pink cats a little too frou frou. Art is so subjective. I was a goth back in the day myself and my art used to be very dark -- mostly morbid self-portraits. Now I like to focus on beauty and hope. My happy place. Yoga Jesus, pretty girls and cats.<br />
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Bunny! We were visiting Auntie May one day and spotted a rabbit in the yard. The kids got as close as they could before it hopped away. I managed to get a photo or two before he was gone anyway.<br />
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Michelle and me always had a ball at Auntie May's. This time it was to pick up Michelle's birthday present. My sister got her a sandbox. My Mom thought it was crazy "She's too old for that!" I said you're never too old for sand between your toes and she loves playing in the sand. I used to have a beach in my yard.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SiYi9lpo8bg/XAEHubXBhzI/AAAAAAAATxg/76viqNAUAJQAd0OJ6xY0X7U9_KLDqv1bACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0644.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1218" data-original-width="1600" height="243" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SiYi9lpo8bg/XAEHubXBhzI/AAAAAAAATxg/76viqNAUAJQAd0OJ6xY0X7U9_KLDqv1bACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0644.JPG" width="320" /></a>Uncle Shane and his toys... He flew a drone over the house and showed them the video footage that it took. It was pretty cool. It almost looked like a UFO up there. Shane loves technology. He's pretty much the opposite of me. He always had to have all the latest gadgets and gizmos while I continued to muddle through with my ancient cellphone, old laptop (that was on its last legs) and old camera with a scratched lens. I know that most of the world is like Shane. They replace their computers and phones every couple of years. Forced obsolescence almost gives you no choice. But I'm stubborn and resistant to change so I just make do.<br />
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Michelle wanted to go shopping. She wanted to bring her own purse with her own money from her piggy bank and buy things herself. The Dollar Store seemed the best bet because it was somewhere that she could actually afford things. She wanted to push her own cart. The carts in the dollar store are so small it was the perfect size for her. She had a ball picking things out. She got a bit carried away grabbing things and I reminded her that she couldn't spend more than she had. She had to try to add it up in her head to make sure that she had enough to cover it. Everything in the store isn't $1 anymore. Some things are even $4. I thought it was a good experience for her though to get practice counting her money. She had so much change -- loonies, toonies, quarters, dimes and nickels. I was worried when she went to cash out that people would be getting impatient if she was counting out nickels.<br />
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She was so excited to cash out. She felt so grown up. It was cute and I was happy for her but I was also close to having a panic attack worrying about her dumping a purse full of piggy bank change on the counter and counting in slow motion while a long line up of strangers grumbled expletives behind us. At first she had said she wanted to pay by herself without help but she caved in when she realized it was going to be trickier than she thought. So I helped her. We used up most of the larger change but we did get rid of some of the nickels too. I counted them quickly on the counter. I had worked retail for years way back in the day so I could count change pretty quickly. After we left the store Michelle proudly carried her bag. She couldn't wait to get home and look at all her items and her receipt as a souvenir of how grown up she was.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zKKC4mVvpD8/XAEIXwmLsII/AAAAAAAATyM/9Qg2iXJN55Eo44czCqmjRi7BtiYihCFCwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0655.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1293" data-original-width="1600" height="258" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zKKC4mVvpD8/XAEIXwmLsII/AAAAAAAATyM/9Qg2iXJN55Eo44czCqmjRi7BtiYihCFCwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0655.JPG" width="320" /></a>In the pink...sand that is! Yes we filled Michelle's new sandbox with PINK SAND. I didn't even know that was a thing until we went to buy sand and they asked me which colour. Made by Crayola of course. When you're a girly girl you might as well have pink sand! It was pretty cool and was so SOFT! Softer than ordinary sand. The problem was that now there would be pink sand all over the house! It was bad enough with regular sand after a trip to the beach. I put a little mat by the patio door so we could wipe our feet as we went in. I just thought it would be nice for Michelle to be able to play in the sand while I do yard work.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ML84eM3Ys6I/XAEIY9IAy1I/AAAAAAAATyU/1tSVbT6_9bo5jFvrc2bYVoEF0fsSyDxWACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0658.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1265" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ML84eM3Ys6I/XAEIY9IAy1I/AAAAAAAATyU/1tSVbT6_9bo5jFvrc2bYVoEF0fsSyDxWACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0658.JPG" width="253" /></a>She wanted me to come in and play with her so I did for a bit. I just sat on the edge. The box comes with a lid to protect the sand and it can be turned into a planter later on if you decide you don't want sand anymore. I wished I'd gotten her one years ago but better late than never even though my Mom still maintained it was a silly idea and she was too old for it. To me, she's only going to be a little girl for a short time so why not enjoy it any way that she can. She loved it and I thought it was pretty cool too.<br />
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When my sister had asked for birthday ideas for Michelle I'd only mentioned it in passing because sometimes they have sandboxes on sale but May surprised us with a huge one and then wanted Michelle to have it ahead of her birthday. It was too big to fit in the car with the whole family when they come for Michelle's birthday party.<br />
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I signed Michelle up for ballet. It was pretty stressful. It was a risk because ballet didn't start until the Fall and I had no idea what my schedule would be or anything but I took a chance. It was a studio that was less than half the price of other studios and it was too good an opportunity to pass up. If I didn't sign her up now I would miss out. Taking ballet and piano lessons had been my dream as a child and I never got to do it. Now that Michelle had the same dreams I wanted to encourage and support her any way I could. It's like I get to live over again, through Michelle and give her everything that I didn't have. So of course I will do anything I can to make that happen. Michelle had a ball running around and playing while I was handling registration. Once again she makes friends everywhere we go.<br />
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One of Michelle's friends came by to join her in her new sandbox.<br />
"Pink sand? Cool!"<br />
As a child I would have thought it was the coolest thing ever. Sometimes I envied Michelle. As a child I felt like I got the least attention and it seemed like I never got anything I wanted. Michelle is showered in attention and love and gets just about everything she wants. My Mom says I'm spoiling her but I don't think you can spoil a child with love. If giving her a lot of love, attention, praise and gifts makes her feel secure and loved and special then that sounds good to me!<br />
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As an early birthday present to Michelle I framed several of her drawings to hang around the house. She helped me decide how to lay them out in our home gallery. She was so excited to see her art in frames and displayed as though it were in an art show. I hung several of her animal portraits in the hall near the door, some of her abstracts beside the stairs and her family portraits at the top of the stairs. I left one empty wall on the landing of the stairs where I would put my watercolours from the art show when they returned home. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that none of them would sell and they didn't. Selling them would have been bittersweet anyway because I get attached to my creations and don't really want to part with them. I have only sold a couple of paintings in my life and it hurt to part with each one. I always tried to paint another version of it to replace it but it was never the same.<br />
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Michelle loved her piano lessons. She got especially excited when it was a song she enjoyed playing. Sometimes her teacher would give her a sticker as well as a check mark after she'd learned a song and played it to perfection. Her teacher didn't hand out stickers very often which made it more special and gave Michelle something to strive for. If it had been me I would have been inclined to give her a sticker every single time but then it doesn't mean as much. Sometimes Michelle struggled with a song she didn't really like or that was more difficult. I reminded her how lucky she was to be able to have piano lessons -- something I had always wanted and never had. Some days she didn't feel like practicing and I told her how important it is so that she will learn. Then other days she wanted to practice. She was excited to see herself progressing. I was proud of her.<br />
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Weird weather was the new normal. All around the world climate change was causing fires, floods, hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes, sink holes. In Canada we mostly had a lot of hot weather and a lot more storms. One day the sky was dark and we could tell a storm was brewing. I thought it was just a thunderstorm but then we heard the pelting of tiny hail stones! I opened the front door to watch it for a bit and filmed Michelle's reaction. She held a piece of hail in her hand. It seemed bizarre that ice could fall from the sky in the middle of a hot Summer day.<br />
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We had been planning to go out that night to the Cafe but not in weather like that. We just stayed in.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/HLz4vX3-V4Q/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/HLz4vX3-V4Q?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe><br />
Here is my video of Michelle "Hail!"<br />
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It was just as well we were staying in. I had a lot of work to do. Michelle's birthday party (parties -- one with her friends and one with family) were coming up and I had my hands full trying to get the house in order. The house was like a bomb hit it. I don't usually have visitors so I had kind of let it go for a while. Now it was overwhelming trying to tidy and clean everywhere. It took me days. On top of my seemingly endless to do list I was feeling especially tense, stressed, tired. I couldn't sleep which made everything worse. I was sort of hanging by a thread.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uR45Eq_xEmY/XAEKZZbzNgI/AAAAAAAAT0A/eFRnNci3Gz4xkprx4foRpkme1fhuhZwRACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0716.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uR45Eq_xEmY/XAEKZZbzNgI/AAAAAAAAT0A/eFRnNci3Gz4xkprx4foRpkme1fhuhZwRACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0716.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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One night I was so exhausted I was like a zombie throwing the last load of laundry in. When I went to take it out it was the cherry on the cake of my day. There had been a Kleenex in the wash. "For fuck's sake!" I can't remember why I put a tissue in my pocket (to wipe my nose or my eyes?) but clearly I forgot about it and didn't check my pockets before throwing everything in the wash. Now there were THOUSANDS OF TINY LITTLE PIECES EVERYWHERE. It was like a metaphor for my life: Trying to hold it together but coming apart in thousands of pieces. I took the clothes out and shook them and it was like it was snowing in my house. Fucking figures. Michelle was asleep. I couldn't sleep. I was at the end of my rope. I just shook everything and put it in the dryer and cried and cried.<br />
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Some people I never heard from at all. The RSVP date came and went and not a peep. OK. I mean I don't get it. If I can't make it to something I let people know ASAP. Some people think RSVP means you respond if you're going. Whatever. Then I thought maybe some people didn't even see the invite. It was the last week of school. Maybe parents didn't even open their kids' agenda or maybe they lost the invitation? A couple of the parents I had cell numbers for because Michelle had been to their parties so I texted them just in case. One of them said yes she had lost the invitation and her child would be coming. The other one STILL never responded. OK. I mean I guess she could have changed her phone number or died or something but I took it personally.<br />
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So only half of the kids invited could even make it but that was fine because I would have been overwhelmed with a huge group. Then the morning of, one of the Moms texted me that she couldn't make it. She had to go to the hospital to see her sister. That was a good excuse. It was last minute but life happens. At least she let me know and she said she'd pop by the next day with Michelle's gift. Another of Michelle's friends had moved away and I would have understood if her Mom didn't want to make that long trek but she said she was coming before school ended and texted to confirm. The day before she even asked if she could bring her other two daughters and stick around. I said yes of course and I had extra loot bags and everything.<br />
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So that day I was expecting her and her three daughters. When the party started and she wasn't there yet I figured she was held up in traffic or something. I checked and there was no text from her. It was a long drive (which I was sympathetic to because I had made many of them myself!) After half an hour of holding up the games however, I was getting worried/stressed and didn't know what to think or do. I tried to reach her and got no response. After 45 minutes I figured we couldn't wait anymore. She never showed. The party came and went and Michelle's friend and her Mom and her two sisters who were supposedly coming and who I waited 45 minutes for before starting the games were NO SHOWS. I couldn't fathom someone being that rude. Far worse not bothering to RSVP she had said she was coming (even bringing EXTRA KIDS!) and then doesn't show. No explanation. No apology. Nada. Unfathomable. Then a few hours after the party ends I get a text:<br />
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"Sorry. I just emerged. I must've had food poisoning. I was throwing up." I mean it COULD be true...but I felt like saying "Sorry I'm calling BS!" You could have texted between waves of nausea or asked your hubby to text and warn me that you weren't coming instead of making me wait for people who weren't coming! I told her I wish I'd known because I held up the games for almost an hour waiting. She said she would be in town in a couple of weeks and would drop by with Michelle's gift. I knew she was lying. I just couldn't understand. Why bother going through all that? Why not just say you can't make it because it's too far and you don't want to make the drive. It wasn't fair to Michelle and it wasn't fair to me. But as my therapist keeps trying to tell me there is no point stressing over things that you can't control -- other people being one of them. You can't control what happens. Only your reaction to it.<br />
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Aside from all that the kids had a ball. They loved the unwrap game and pin the smile on the Spongebob (Michelle helped me to make it.) And then the pinatas. I wound up with two because Michelle wanted a SpongeBob theme and I found the circular SpongeBob and Patrick one on sale but then we found the SpongeBob one which was way cuter so I had to get that too. Yeah. Michelle is a tad spoiled. Also, because clearly I'm a masochist, aside from filling the pinatas with toys I added colourful glittery SpongeBob confetti to make it more festive. Not thinking that my lawn would be full of little spirals and stars of confetti that it would be murder to pick up.<br />
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At the end of the day no matter how stressful it was or how much work it was for me the important thing was that Michelle was happy. She had a great birthday. That was all that mattered. The kids descended on the candy like vultures on a carcass. Great, that's all they needed was sugar when they were already bouncing off the walls. The party was over before I knew it (especially since we wasted the first half hour to an hour waiting for a bonehead who wasn't even coming. But I'm not bitter. Yes I am. Very bitter.)<br />
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Michelle wanted a SpongeBob cake which was great because I still had the cake pan from her birthday years ago. I figured now that I was more of a pro my cake would be much better than last time. It was a little bit better but still nothing to write home about. Not exactly Pinterest-worthy. Michelle loved it though. It took me hours and every time I make a birthday cake for Michelle I think about how I understand why they charge so much for cakes when it takes forever to make them. If you had told me 10 years ago that one day I would love another human so much I would willingly give myself carpal tunnel by squeezing thousands of globs of icing onto a SpongeBob shaped cake I would have said you were crazy. You just never know where life will take you.<br />
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One of the parents was kind enough to take my picture with Michelle. Talking to some of the Moms I mentioned how hard it had been through the Summer having to drag Michelle with me everywhere, even to my therapist appointments. She was pretty good and usually just sat nicely drawing or colouring or playing on my phone but often she'd interrupt and want to be with me and it was hard to really talk about things openly with her there. One of her friend's Moms said I could drop Michelle over for a play date anytime. I warned her I would take her up on that so we set a date when I had my next appointment. I was so grateful. Now I could go to my psychologist without worrying about censoring myself with Michelle there. And she was excited about having play dates with her friend. She didn't want her friends to leave but at least she knew she'd be seeing her one friend once a week now. And she'd be back to school before she knew it.<br />
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I don't have the family over at my house often but it's nice to have them there once in a while. My brothers couldn't make it but May and Shane, Shannon, Reggie and Mom and Dad were there. Michelle loved her presents. She was excited that she got to celebrate her birthday three times -- once with her friends, once with family and her real birthday with me. She was a lucky girl. I only ever had one birthday party a year that I can remember.<br />
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I had a SpongeBob Happy Birthday sign too. All the SpongeBob items were on clearance because they were being discontinued. It worked out well for me when that was the theme that Michelle had wanted. She loves SpongeBob. She watches it all the time. I can tolerate it. Some of it is funny. My Mom can't see the appeal at all. "Why does she like a yellow sponge?!" It's his character that Michelle loves. He's so sweet, kind, optimistic, pure-hearted. We should all be more like SpongeBob. Unfortunately I'm probably more like Squidward if I'm being honest.<br />
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I kept the gazebo up after the party. I figured why not enjoy it once in a while for the rest of the Summer? That was a mistake. When there was a bad storm it snapped in half. I was so mad. It wasn't that expensive. It was a just a cheap pop up one but it was convenient when there was a party. Now I couldn't use it at all and it would be a pain to get rid of it because it wouldn't fit in a garbage bag all jagged long metal pieces jutting out. I should have known better. Storms had even taken down trees and damaged homes never mind a flimsy little pop up gazebo.<br />
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At least someone kept their promise! After her other friend's Mom blowing off the party and saying she'd drop by one day with a present I was pretty skeptical of the other friend actually showing up with a gift but she really did.<br />
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Michelle was so excited to see her. They ran around and chased her little dog. Michelle wanted to play with her but they were on their way somewhere and we still had family inside. My Mom came out to say hi (because she's nosy and wanted to see what was going on) and was a bit embarrassing (as she tends to be) saying ridiculous things (as she tends to do) but the woman didn't seem to mind and laughed saying that Mom is cute. "You say that because she's not YOUR Mom!" I told her. I wonder if someday I'll embarrass Michelle like that. I sincerely hope not.<br />
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I wasn't going to make two SpongeBob cakes (one was MORE than enough!) so for the family birthday party I just did cupcakes. Michelle helped me decorate them with colourful icing and sprinkles. She loves helping to mix the colours.<br />
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When I was little my Mom never let us help with anything in the kitchen because she said we wouldn't do it right. The control freak in me sort of feels the same way but I force myself to let go and let Michelle help because I think it's good experience for her and makes her feel important and involved.<br />
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"Make a wish!"<br />
We'd already had pizza at her birthday party so for dinner with the family we had Chinese food. I always order in when I host a party. I am no Martha Stewart. Hosting a party is stressful enough for me without trying to cook a meal on top of it. It's just not my thing. It can be expensive ordering takeout for a large group but to me it's worth it to not have the hassle of cooking on top of everything else.<br />
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I had a balloon animal making kit and we all had fun trying to make balloon swans, dogs etc. We were laughing our heads off at some of our mishaps/balloon fails. Then we posed for a picture with our creations (the ones that didn't accidentally pop or deflate or go horribly awry.)<br />
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It had been a fun day but I was beyond exhausted after such a busy weekend. I couldn't wait to crawl into bed. I had gone days with barely any sleep but now I was out like a light. And no Kleenex in my pockets. And no more stress. We could sleep in and relax (theoretically.)<br />
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We still celebrated Michelle's birthday again on her real birthday. Just my girl and me. I had her open my presents in our room because it was just the happiest and most colourful backdrop. She was excited to open her gifts. She got a bit spoiled. Pretty much everything she asked for or even mentioned in passing.<br />
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The problem is that I have a weakness for cute and pretty things. When you have a six year old girl, EVERY TOY is cute and pretty!<br />
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My little girl was SIX YEARS OLD! It seems like she was my baby a day ago and now she's a big girl. Going into Grade One.<br />
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One of the items on Michelle's wish list was the Project MC2 Spy/Science kit. I wanted to encourage Michelle to have a love of science. At school they call it S.T.E.M. now -- Science Technology Engineering Math. I always shied away from maths and sciences as a kid. I was good in math but it didn't come easily to me. I got 80s and 90s but I struggled and suffered through hours of math homework. When Math was no longer compulsory and was branching off into Calculus, Algebra etc. I got out. The same with Science. Although I always found it interesting, when it was at the point where it wasn't compulsory and it was going to be Biology I ducked out. I knew that I would have to dissect a frog and I knew that there was no way on this Earth I was going to do that. Still, part of me wishes I had gone further in science. I loved that Michelle had a wide range of interests -- from Art to Science. I wanted to encourage all of it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Lo4yz5kKWNA/XAEN2vufAfI/AAAAAAAAT4w/FWSgdcz1EHANjIsInq5PC8a__YKroieGQCLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN0942.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Lo4yz5kKWNA/XAEN2vufAfI/AAAAAAAAT4w/FWSgdcz1EHANjIsInq5PC8a__YKroieGQCLcBGAs/s320/RSCN0942.JPG" width="240" /></a>My gifted girl! Admittedly I got more than a little carried away with Michelle's gifts. As usual. I had been amassing presents for her for months. Any time something was on sale or caught my eye I'd put it aside for her birthday so by the time her birthday came there was an overwhelming number of presents to wrap. Of course gift bags are easier. You just put it in a bag, add some tissue and you're done. There were a LOT of bags! Michelle had a ball pulling the tissue out of the bags. Sometimes she threw it up in the air. Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like to have been an only child and to be loved and spoiled the way Michelle is. As it was being a middle child of four kids I usually felt like the least loved or noticed one of all. Anything I tried to do to get attention (getting the highest grades in school etc) only backfired. My Mom said because I was a good child she didn't have to worry about me. I didn't need as much attention. Sigh. It may be a bit of an overcorrection but I make extra sure that Michelle gets all the love, attention and appreciation she could ever want or need. And then some!</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zLafa3KGOE4/XAENt2mP1MI/AAAAAAAAT4o/6xs7gY3DWMwtbXI1RrDV50Pr8n4cQopWgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0938.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zLafa3KGOE4/XAENt2mP1MI/AAAAAAAAT4o/6xs7gY3DWMwtbXI1RrDV50Pr8n4cQopWgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0938.JPG" width="240" /></a>Then Michelle wanted to go to Toys R Us and spend her birthday gift cards. I didn't want her wearing a fancy gown out shopping but my little Diva still managed to glam it up with a tiara, a gold cat emoji shirt and gold pants. She kept her gift cards in a pink kitty cat purse because why not? She's only 6 but she already loves shopping. Being able to see something you want and get it with your own money/cards etc is empowering. Retail therapy. Once again when Michelle picked items out I told her to add things up in her head. She couldn't have everything she wanted. She would have to choose one or the other up to the amount that she had to spend ($50) I tried to teach her about value. "You could get these little things or get something bigger. When you get something that's on sale you're getting more value for your money. You could get something that's $50 regular price or two $25 dollar items that are half price (a $100 value.) My Mom was always a shopaholic but a bargain hunter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vstMXJcu8Zg/XAENucW4MYI/AAAAAAAAT4s/_K4Y50LX7S8d9TtwseF4ji3-FFPDeoWVACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0945.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vstMXJcu8Zg/XAENucW4MYI/AAAAAAAAT4s/_K4Y50LX7S8d9TtwseF4ji3-FFPDeoWVACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0945.JPG" width="240" /></a>I sang Happy Birthday to Michelle again and we had more cupcakes. I must have gained 10 lbs that week with all the cake. And pizza and Chinese food! I was eating leftover Chinese food all week. Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing. Though I was sick of it by the end of the week. I never got sick of the cupcakes. As if one ever could! (Although strangely my nephew Reggie doesn't like cake. At all. How can someone NOT LIKE CAKE?! Like HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!) When I was ordering the Chinese food Michelle didn't really want to try the Almond Chicken Soo Guy until she heard that Reggie loved it. "EVEN REGGIE likes it so it MUST be good! He doesn't even like cake! Or pizza!" A lot of kids are fussy eaters. I've literally never seen my nephew James eat anything. Not a single thing. Ever.</div>
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Michelle was psyched for a play date with her friend. I was so appreciative of his Mom for offering to have Michelle over so I could have some privacy to talk to my therapist.<br />
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I told her the stress I'd been under with the birthday parties. I told her how hard it was to keep trying to smile for Michelle's sake even when I wasn't feeling it. Sometimes the contrast between Michelle's boundless energy and joy and my fatigue and stress was so sharp it took everything in me not to collapse in sobs. I didn't want Michelle to see me falling part. Sometimes it was exhausting trying to be a smiley happy Disney Mom all the time when inside it felt like I was coming apart and breaking into a thousand pieces like a Kleenex in the wash. I tried to stay distracted so I wouldn't get myself upset about everything I was worried about but the worries were there, underneath everything and when I lay down at night it was all staring me in the face. It wouldn't let me rest.<br />
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Michelle had a great time at her friend's house. Not having siblings I figured it was a good experience to be around other kids. She enjoyed seeing her friend's newborn baby brother. She even wanted to hold him and feed him. It was so adorable I thought my heart would explode. Cute overload! Total photo op! Even the baby is looking in this one!<br />
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Her friend's Mom said Michelle was a joy to have around and no trouble at all. I was glad that she extended the invitation to have Michelle over every week during my therapy appointment. It was a godsend. When I went to pick Michelle up I stayed for a while chatting with her friend's Mom. Michelle didn't want to leave yet anyway and it was nice for me to talk to an adult aside from my family and my therapist!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5LOnYgeJkJQ/XAEPdEnFdyI/AAAAAAAAT58/7Aj5FveJgGoRwAO9fOEJw2-miNdzZEinACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0991.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1207" data-original-width="1600" height="241" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5LOnYgeJkJQ/XAEPdEnFdyI/AAAAAAAAT58/7Aj5FveJgGoRwAO9fOEJw2-miNdzZEinACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0991.JPG" width="320" /></a>It couldn't be August already! But somehow it was. Time was flying. The Summer, like life in general, was so fleeting. I realized how much I had been stressing about Michelle's birthday parties and just wanting it to be all over with so I could relax. Now that it was over I felt like it had flown by too fast. I wished I could just go back and enjoy it rather than stressing over everything. But stress is my default setting. Especially when I feel like I'm under pressure to do something. Of course I'm the one who puts pressure on myself. That's just the way I am.</div>
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Blowing bubbles in Gramma's backyard. It just never gets old. Michelle loves bubbles and I love a photo op. My Mom was always happy to see us. At one point I asked my Mom if she could go anywhere in the world, where would she like to go. (I was thinking like, Hawaii, Australia.) She said Dixie Value Mall. DIXIE MALL?! That's it?! If you could go ANYWHERE ON EARTH?!<br />
"Ummm...I'll take you there then!"<br />
Australia would not be a do-able but a trip to the mall was. My Mom had some health issues and it made me more compassionate toward her (even though she still drove me crazy!) I wanted to do things to make her happy. She loved shopping and she liked visiting with Michelle and me.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pXVMoPEWiQ4/XAEPglMibYI/AAAAAAAAT6U/BBTrWLiYoWQFoGAEydnn3KSynQ00OYHdQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN1041.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1209" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pXVMoPEWiQ4/XAEPglMibYI/AAAAAAAAT6U/BBTrWLiYoWQFoGAEydnn3KSynQ00OYHdQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN1041.JPG" width="241" /></a>Another day, another play date with another friend! Michelle's social calendar was packed!<br />
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She was excited to see the rest of her friends at school in September. I was glad that she was looking forward to rather than dreading heading back to school or it would have been even harder for me. As it was I was stressed enough about the idea of letting her off at the main entrance with hundreds of other kids. I was having nightmares about it. It just seemed like it would be too chaotic and crowded. I was wishing she could still go in and out of the Kindergarten door. Couldn't she stay my little girl in a safe penned in area? She's growing up too fast.<br />
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It was the last time I'd be performing at the Cafe with my artwork there. We were taking it down. It had been a month. Nothing had sold but at least we got to take all our creations back home with us. I made room to display them at home so our art show could continue forever. It had been a good experience and I was grateful for it. It's fitting that the restaurant is called the "Starving Artist." Many artists and musicians struggle and don't make any money with their art. Even if you don't do it as a living, art and music can give you life. Getting in touch with my creativity again, expressing myself through painting and song was healing to my soul. Art therapy. Music therapy. No matter what the future holds I realized I always have to find time to express myself. Just as your body can become depleted and broken down if you don't get enough rest, food etc, you're soul can become drained and diseased if you don't take the time to nourish it. Everyone needs to take time to do the things they love.<br />
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Just as I had asked my Mom "If you could go anywhere..." I asked Michelle. One of her friends' Moms had said that on their child's birthday they give them the option -- you can have a party or an "experience" a trip etc. Michelle had already had her parties but I wanted to give her an experience too. Hopefully it would be something that was within reach.. "Legoland!" she said. </div>
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Well it's a bit pricey but it's within reach. At least she didn't say Disneyland. (I think she realized that wasn't in the realm of possibility.)</div>
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I couldn't quite match Michelle's enthusiasm for Legoland. Don't get me wrong. There are parts of Legoland that I love. The mini Toronto is too cool for words. I absolutely adore that. Unfortunately there are other aspects of the attraction that are not my favourite -- (like most tourist traps) the high prices, big crowds, long line ups etc. But if it makes her happy, I'm game. I wondered if Michelle would have a new appreciation for the Lego CN Tower now that she had seen the real thing. She mostly just wanted to hurry through the mini-city to get to the rides. I made her stop for a photo anyway. We managed to get one without anyone walking in front of it but it wasn't easy!<br />
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By far my LEAST favourite part of Legoland is the playground part. To me it's a living nightmare. From the hamster wheel spinning entrance where kids tumble around like toys to the fact that your child DISAPPEARS INTO THIS STRUCTURE FOR HOURS AT A TIME AND YOU HAVE NO FRIGGIN IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THEM. As usual I sat there frantically eyeing the exits, waiting for Michelle to emerge. I had told her to make sure and check in with me periodically but she was having so much fun that I guess she forgot. Then as if I wasn't panicked enough I suddenly heard a kid screaming and crying and saw him come out covered in blood. Blood was dripping all down the floor. Now I was losing my shit. I wanted Michelle out of that death trap. NOW! If she wasn't out in 60 seconds I was going to start full on screaming her name and I didn't care if people stared. Luckily she did come out. I overheard someone say that the boy had banged his head on a corner of a wall. Why did they have walls so sharp they could split your head open?! I guess they couldn't make the whole thing out of rubber. I was just glad that Michelle made it out in one piece. "Please NEVER go in there again!"<br />
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Michelle wanted to build a car at the Build and Test area. This wasn't exactly my favourite either because you had to scramble to look for parts -- wheels etc in containers -- reaching around strangers to compete for pieces to put together a car only to send it down a slope where it would in all likelihood smash to pieces at the bottom anyway. Not my idea of fun but this was Michelle's day and I wanted her to get the most out of it.<br />
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She wanted to explore everything. We had been there before but each time she was just as excited about everything. I wish I had half her enthusiasm. Or even a tenth of it.<br />
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And then we stopped for a bite. No the pizza wasn't literally made out of Lego! This was just a prop. Lunch was expensive. It's amazing what they can charge for a tiny mediocre at best personal pizza and tiny cupcakes but it goes with the territory. She'd already been spoiled on her birthday and now she was getting spoiled again. But I can't seem to help it when it comes to Michelle. If it's within my power, she's getting what she wants. Because when I was a kid I literally never got anything I wanted.<br />
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I love you to the moon and back! There was a mini rocket ship that would countdown and launch and everything. That was pretty cool. I wished I could time a photo with the launch but there were too many people around and it was a stretch just to get a photo with the timer period.<br />
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Then Michelle wanted to go to the 4D movie. We were early so we were at the front of the line at least. The movies were short so it wasn't too bad of a wait (15 minutes) between them.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OujSnodkqRg/XAEQtkoUBrI/AAAAAAAAT9A/sFffZdCWhN87ZJV4R7Ca2bukxcB6zCOjACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN1102.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OujSnodkqRg/XAEQtkoUBrI/AAAAAAAAT9A/sFffZdCWhN87ZJV4R7Ca2bukxcB6zCOjACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN1102.JPG" width="320" /></a>It was almost more fun watching Michelle's reactions than it was to watch the screen. The 3D effects were so real that kids were actually reaching out to touch the things that seemed to be floating right in front of them. Michelle was right there grasping at holographic images. Being 4D it not only had 3D effects but had the added effects of cool air and mist so when the characters were going through adventures, flying and being splashed, you felt like you were in the movie too. It was fun but being damp in a cold air-conditioned room gets a little chilly. I was freezing. Being tired didn't help either. I just wanted to go home and I was dreading the long drive back.<br />
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The most fun part for both of us was the Wizard's flying ride. Usually Michelle rode in the same compartment with me but this time she wanted to be on her own like a big girl. I was a little nervous watching her on a flying right without me beside her. At least I got to take a picture of her. She was securely fastened in the ride but it still made me antsy. If I said no about everything that made me nervous she'd never do anything. But I didn't want her to go through what I did (Mom never let us do anything.) So I say yes and let her do things even when it makes my teeth itch.<br />
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When I look at the pictures Michelle does look a little bit nervous. It was her idea to be on her own but it is a little scarier when you don't have someone right next to you. I want Michelle to be brave and not afraid to take risks. I want to encourage that. I want her to be strong. I don't want to make her nervous and fearful. My Mom always operated out of fear and she put her fears into us. Of all my siblings I feel like she had the biggest hold on me. I have my Mom to thank for a lot of my neuroses. Life experiences just aggravated my anxiety even more. I want Michelle to be able to chillax. Something Mama was never much good at!<br />
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And as if I hadn't spent enough I couldn't resist getting the cheesy photo that they take of you when you go in. The thumbs up was sort of cute anyway. At least I hated all the photos taken on the Quest ride. We always looked like deer in the headlights even when we KNEW there was a camera at the end. It's just as well because it would have been too expensive if I liked all the photos.<br />
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Michelle had a great time. After Legoland she always wants to go to the Build A Bear Workshop across the way. She twisted my arm and I got her a Build a Cat but I drew the line at getting clothing and accessories for the cat because then it winds up costing a million dollars and I was pretty sure kitty could just wear some of the dolls' clothes.<br />
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The whole thing is cute. How they let the kids feel involved by stepping on the pedal to add the stuffing, choosing how soft or dense they want their stuffie to be, giving it a heart, a name etc. Then you can give your new pet a bath in the pretend bathtub. Yes it's all very adorable but when you've already re-mortgaged the house to go to Legoland you need to buy an overpriced stuffed animal like you need another hole in the head. Still, it made her happy so she got it. It was a long drive home but Michelle slept through most of it.<br />
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After that trip I really didn't want to go ANYWHERE for a while. Michelle was more than happy to play at home. She wanted to have a "science day" and do experiments. I had the idea to use her play doctor's coat as a white lab coat so she could pretend to be a scientist. She LOVED it. She felt like a real scientist and had a ball playing with mixing chemicals in her little test tubes. It was fun watching her reactions to chemical reactions.<br />
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Letting Michelle embrace her inner Mad Scientist was priceless! It was a huge mess but if it made her love science I figured it was worth it. She talked about becoming a scientist one day. She asked me once if scientists could "create life" like Frankenstein. I told her that even if it was possible to re-animate a corpse it wouldn't be ethical. "It's dangerous to play God. That's what the movie is about." Michelle sighed in frustration. She was disappointed. She said she wanted to create a person! I said she could always give birth as a mother. That wasn't what she had in mind. I told her she could make a robot instead. She decided she could settle for that. "OK maybe I'll create an android then."<br />
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Summer was almost over. I asked Michelle if there was anything else that she wanted to do before Summer ended.<br />
"We haven't gone to the Water Park yet!"<br />
So we did.<br />
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It was OK. Any pool is a let down after the beautiful heated Nelson Park Pool. The water was cold. Even after all the unbearably hot days we'd had the water still seemed cold to me. It was small and crowded too. But it was all good. I could cross it off the list. Michelle got to go everywhere she wanted. I was able to say "yes" to everything.<br />
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Michelle had fun running around the splash pad as well. She made a new friend, as usual and was running around chasing her. It made me nervous to see her running on wet concrete. I was afraid she'd fall and split her head open. I wish I wasn't a worrier. Worrying is my default setting.<br />
"Be careful!"<br />
I called after her as Michelle ran by, laughing.<br />
Michelle, unlike Mama, does not worry. She just has fun.<br />
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I was going to an Art Show with May. I talked Michelle out of coming with us because she'd be bored and it was like 100 degrees outside. She finally agreed. I dropped her off with Gramma and Grampa and I headed to May's for Art in the Park.<br />
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Shannon was a volunteer for the event. It was such a hot day that one of the volunteers' duties was walking around with a bottle of water to spray exhibitors and visitors if they were getting overheated. It was HOT. So hot I was surprised the paint didn't melt right off the canvases. It was beautiful though and I was glad that I went. I even got to meet some of the artists. It was really cool. I love art. Whether creating it or admiring it, art really does nourish my soul.<br />
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May and me taking a break to sit for a moment... We ran into Shannon and I did get her to spritz me with water! It was so refreshing. I was wishing I had more water to cool me down. Unfortunately I would get my wish. The darkening sky was a hint of what was to come. The unbearable heat would be broken by a thunderstorm. A torrential downpour.<br />
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The downpour started and people were scrambling to find shelter. Most people were huddled under a large gazebo. May and I took refuge in an empty tent. We were drenched but hadn't lost our sense of humour. We were laughing our heads off at the ridiculousness of the situation.<br />
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It was sad though. The art show was cut short. There was no hope of the rain letting up. Artists started packing up their canvases to leave. Shane had dropped us off and would be picking us up. We didn't even have an umbrella. Shannon had a rain poncho so she was covered at least. I was wishing I had one of those garbage bag Maid of the Mist ponchos that always seemed tacky but would be really practical when you're stuck in a thunderstorm.<br />
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Michelle looked forward to her weekly play dates with her friend. They had so much fun together even though sometimes his little brother was a bit of a handful. Like one time he licked her leg or something? I'm not sure. Anyway, she survived. And not having siblings I think it was good experience for her to be around four kids of varying ages -- a newborn, a toddler, a 4 year old and a fellow 6 year old. She always had fun there and never wanted to leave. I usually wound up sticking around a long time talking to her friend's Mom anyway. Sometimes I even held the baby and helped rock him to sleep. There is something so comforting about holding a baby. It makes you feel for a moment like all is right in the world. Babies are so new and innocent. I can't believe my baby girl is growing up so fast. She was a newborn in my arms not long ago...<br />
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Another trip to our favourite beach. It was a windy day but warm. It wasn't too crowded. Michelle always wants to go straight into the water and I always want to get a souvenir photo (or two, or three!) first. Michelle knows by now that photography is part of my being. It's not an option. Asking me not to take pictures would be like asking me not to breathe. (Actually I think I could hold my breath longer than I could go without taking a photo if there was anything cute or beautiful around. Yes I have a weakness for cute and pretty things. And I am physically incapable of passing up on a photo op!<br />
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Say cheese! Well sometimes the smiles are a little forced but it's OK. The scratch on the lens really stuck in my craw when one of us ended up with a big white blob in the middle of our faces. I needed a new camera. You'd think to someone who's a photoholic replacing their old scratched lens camera would be priority one but I am such a creature of habit and resistant to change that I just kept putting it off. My computer was dying too. It was getting slower and more glitchy by the day. The battery backup had died years ago. I had to keep it plugged in at all times. Now even the cord was going. It would shut down suddenly for no reason or take forever to do anything. Most people replace their electronics every couple of years. Everyone wants the newest latest fanciest fastest gadgets. Not me. I just want what I'm used to. What I'm comfortable with. Maybe it's the Taurus in me. I'm loyal. I will stay with things, people etc (even if they're really bad situations for me) rather than get out.<br />
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I loved looking in the little shops near the beach. Sometimes I imagined having a beach house someday, if I won the lottery and decorating it with all these sort of beach-themed cute accessories. It was a nice dream. Of course nowadays living near the water isn't the best choice. Too many storms. Too much danger of flooding. But I've always felt drawn to the water which is ironic considering my fear of drowning. What can I say? It's complicated. I remember hearing years ago that Angelina Jolie had a tattoo of Quod me nutrit, me destruit. "That which nourishes me also destroys me." I get that. That's sort of how I am with water. It's like love. You're drawn to it. You just don't want to be in over your head. The fear of drowning is real in my family. My father literally drowned when he was 12 years old in a canoe accident and was in a coma for two weeks.<br />
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Oh Captain, my captain!<br />
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I simply can not resist a cheesy photo op! I look like a slice of Hell here but Michelle is adorable so I still like this picture. I think we were standing right in front of a sign that said please don't try on the hats but I have a slight rebellious streak, especially if it involves a photo op. Sorry guys. I usually do follow the rules. Unless I can't.<br />
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I was almost tempted to buy the hat but it would really just be a prop for photos and I'd already taken the photo so now I didn't need to buy it!<br />
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I was going to take my artwork down the last time I was at the open stage but the staff convinced me to leave it a few more days and I figured that gave more people a chance to see it. Maybe someone would buy one of my paintings after all. Nope. Nada. It was OK. I was a little sad though. It's tough as an artist to put yourself out there and be rejected. Not that people were telling me it was bad or throwing tomatoes or anything. But no one wanted to buy them. The thing is, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. It would have to be the right person. We don't all like the same things. You can never please everyone and that's OK. You do you and if people appreciate it, great and if they don't? Oh well. Don't worry. Just let them do them. Easier said than done. I wish I didn't worry about what anyone thought or seek their approval but to some degree I still do, whether I always admit it to myself or not. Of course the only approval I should need is from me but I can be my most merciless critic.<br />
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After my artwork was down there was less incentive to go to the open stage. I went one last time and made the mistake of singing a song about my life. It was a little too real and I broke into tears in the middle of the song. I was so embarrassed I never went back.<br />
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The staff at the Cafe texted me at one point asking if I'd be interested in doing a concert, performing my songs for an hour. It was a day that I already had plans. She asked me to pick another time. But I said no. I told her my family likely wouldn't come anyway so there would be no point asking them. It was too far. My brothers were a definite no and I didn't want to make my sister drive all this way again (and she's the only way my parents could come.) In September Michelle would be back in school and I wouldn't be able to go anymore and have her out late on school nights. I just wasn't feeling it. It was a bit sad to feel like I was letting go, saying goodbye to that part of my life again. Playing music in public. But after breaking down on stage I figured it's just not the best idea anyway. I'd rather share my thoughts and feelings and creativity online from the safety of my home. Then one day when I was driving by the Cafe I saw that the sign was down. Were they closing? Next time I looked it was empty inside. They had gone out of business. It was sad. It was right in the name though. You probably won't get rich as a starving artist. Or a Starving Artist Cafe. It was nice while it lasted though and I'm grateful I got to share that experience, in art and music, with Michelle. She was so good. She would sit at the table and draw sometimes. She liked going there too.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HswRyLx9OIw/XAEVGubDeuI/AAAAAAAAUDs/B1BzvvDS66MF2IFepR-bhFbCns45I75hgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6479.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1252" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HswRyLx9OIw/XAEVGubDeuI/AAAAAAAAUDs/B1BzvvDS66MF2IFepR-bhFbCns45I75hgCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN6479.JPG" width="156" /></a>We got together with our friends from the Butterfly Conservatory for a play date. We met at Mastermind and then went to a local park. I love Mastermind but it's dangerous. So many cool and adorable toys. It's hard for me to say no to Michelle. I didn't want to spoil her too much, especially when I had another Mom with me who would probably think I was nuts.<br />
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Michelle had fun with her friend and his sister (who hadn't been at the Conservatory that day.) I had a nice conversation with my new friend. She suggested a book for me to read. I wound up ordering it. A lot of it covered the exercises I had been doing in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy.) Having a text book was comforting somehow. It's like I was in school again. Only this time it was a course in myself. Becoming a better me. I had a lot of work to do!<br />
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The park was amazing especially considering it was all free. It had a huge splash pad. The kids ran amok while we sat and talked. I got them to stop long enough to get a group shot at least. I told Michelle not to go too far. The area was so big you could lose sight of your child in the crowd. For me that would NOT be OK. I told Michelle to stay near our end of the park. The other end was just to far away to hear or see them and it was too close to the exit. I had to keep reminding them to move closer. "Don't go past the snakes!"<br />
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Save the llama for your Mama! Michelle was excited to see the animals. Her friends had been there before so they weren't quite as enthused but this was the first time Michelle and me had gone to the park. I went there years ago with one of my exes and his kids. I couldn't have imagined at the time that one day I would be going there with my own daughter.<br />
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My little Mad Scientist was at it again. Mama always wound up having to clean up the mess but it was worth it to see Michelle stoked about science. She loved seeing liquid bubble up and froth over. Baking soda, lemon juice, vinegar. And glitter of course. You have to add glitter to everything!<br />
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"I want to do experiments, Mama!" I told her she should write down her observations so she wrote a couple of cute things but mostly she just enjoyed making a mess I think.<br />
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My girls bonding on the couch. Michelle called Ali her furry older sister. They looked so cute and cozy I just had to capture the moment. Being with Michelle and Ali was my happy place. They were my home. Watching them snuggling together, listening to Ali purr was so sweet it helped to melt my anxiety away for a few minutes at least.<br />
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We didn't get to enjoy Oakville Ribfest this year because it teemed rain but we thought we'd check out a smaller local Ribfest. Not for the ribs, just for the rides. The ads had promised bouncy castles and characters so Michelle was down for it.<br />
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I got tickets for Michelle to try the bouncy castles. She loved the shark the best. They talked me into getting the unlimited bracelet and we got more than our money's worth because Michelle went on it like a bajillion times!<br />
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Michelle was having a ball. I was just hot and tired and ready to leave but I was willing to stick around if it made her happy.<br />
"Just one more time!" she would say and I didn't believe her.<br />
Sure enough after that time she'd say "Just ONE more time!" It was too fun and there was no lineup. It was like a kid's dream. I was almost tempted to slide down the enormous inflatable shark's throat myself.<br />
"Can we leave yet?"<br />
"ONE MORE TIME!"<br />
Sigh.<br />
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As usual, Michelle made a friend. Then they wanted to go down the slide together. Again. And again. Michelle's new friend was giving her parents the same story: "Please? Just ONE MORE TIME?"<br />
Her parents wanted to leave as well. At least now I had reinforcements.<br />
"OK," I told them, "if you go it will give me a stronger case to get Michelle out of here too!"<br />
They were cute together though. They were having a ball.<br />
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Sometimes I think how lucky Michelle is. I would have been thrilled to have the life she's living now when I was a kid. I guess it's natural for parents to want to give their kids a better life than they had. I never want her to struggle the way I did.<br />
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It was kind of a random collection of characters: Anna from Frozen, the Cheshire Cat and Skye or whatever her name is from Paw Patrol... In any event it was a cute photo op so I was ON IT! Selfie time! I love how Anna and the cat are bending down to make sure they're in the shot and Skye is just standing there like "Whatevs. I don't really know and I don't really care." I had tried to set up a self timed shot but the camera got knocked or something and none of us were even in it.<br />
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Michelle's face was red after all her running amok and jumping and sliding. I didn't know how she could have the energy to exert herself in that heat. I was just standing around and I was sweating buckets. They had a cooling station by the exit so we made use of it to cool off.<br />
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I had a couple of things to get at the mall and Michelle wanted to spend her gift card so we went and we couldn't resist stopping into the Disney store. This little princess castle inside as so cute! Photo op! My Princess and me in the doorway of a castle.<br />
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Michelle picked out a fancy pair of shoes at Payless and insisted on wearing them right away even though I told her they're just supposed to be when she's dressed up and were not practical for walking. I can't imagine when she's a teenager. She's already such a Diva. Parading around in heels. God help me.<br />
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My girl with pink hair. She has SO many cute hairbands. To me they're the perfect accessory because they keep her hair out of her face and allow her to be all these beautiful, magical characters -- kitties, unicorns, fairies, princesses. They didn't have anything like that when I was a kid. The only hairband I had was a knitted flower one that looked like the tea cozies and was awful and embarrassing.<br />
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Another play date at her friend's house. Her friend was going to be away at camp for a couple of weeks. I told his Mom that I didn't want to impose and have Michelle there when her friend wasn't even there. Then it was more like she was just babysitting Michelle instead of a play date but she said that was nonsense. Michelle was no trouble and was actually a help entertaining the younger siblings.<br />
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Michelle wanted to hold the baby again. This is so sweet. He even looked right at me! ADORABLE! This is PHOTO GOLD!<br />
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One day Michelle wanted to do face painting on me. So I let myself be her canvas and she turned me into sort of a clown cat. She even drew paws on my hands and made me pose like this for a picture. She wanted me to leave the house like that and I said oh hell no. I mean, I'm a pretty good sport and all but I have to draw the line at looking like a raving lunatic in public. I told her at home was fine but I was not going out like this. After I washed my face off she said she wanted to draw something else so I let her paint my face again. She said it would be a surprise. I was surprised but I had no idea what she had drawn. Only that I had gold and purple blotches on my face. I think I was supposed to be a flower. Or something.<br />
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Beach day! Because you can't have too many! Looking back I can't believe we went to the beach so often. It didn't seem like it at the time. It just made sense when every day was so hot and the beach was our happy place. Why not? Going away on vacation wasn't an option but we could at least make day trips to a local beach. Getting to sit under palm trees was just the icing on the cake. Some people fly all the way to Mexico to sit under palm trees. We get to do it close to home and it costs us nothing.<br />
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Michelle wanted me to bury her in the sand and she wanted me to make her a mermaid as I often do. It's a bit of a process. It takes a while and she starts getting impatient, wiggling her toes and cracking the sculpture but I managed to get her to stay still long enough to get a couple of photos and she really does look like a mermaid! She tried to bury me once and make me a mermaid but it didn't work out so well. She didn't have the patience to bury my big legs and I started to go numb from the waist down after a while.<br />
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Each time we went back I would think "This could be the last time this year." But it wouldn't be. The weather would stay warm even into the Fall. We would be back again and again. Still each time we'd say goodbye to the beach and I'd think about Summer ending it made me melancholy. I didn't want Summer to end. At least in this blog it doesn't have to. In this post we will be on the beach forever, smiling. It will stay Summer and we will be frozen in our little rectangles.<br />
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Michelle loved the song "Lavender's Blue." It was one of my favourites too. She did it so well she even got a sticker. There were a few songs that were really pretty -- Lavender's Blue, Scarborough Fair, Aura Lee (the tune to Elvis' Love me Tender.) It was nice to be able to listen to pretty songs unlike some of the annoying ones in her book. The only thing worse than an unpleasant song is listening to a child practicing it over and over and over. Sometimes Michelle would get frustrated when she couldn't learn a song right away but then she'd be so happy and proud when she finally got it.<br />
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I was so glad that I was able to do this for Michelle. I wanted to support and encourage her creativity in any way I could. I would never force her into anything but if there's something she wants to pursue I will support her any way I can. It was my dream as a child. I can at least give her that.<br />
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Another day playing in the pink sand. It really was a mess. I swear it was stickier than regular sand, and of course, more pink. It would get stuck to her clothes and wind up everywhere. I had to vacuum a lot more often. Not that I mind sand per se. My car was full of sand and I never vacuumed it. I collected all the Beach Parking passes on my dashboard. Souvenirs of Summer. There is something very zen about sand. I guess that's why they use it in zen gardens.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ci9nO8YuElU/XAEZmMn5eWI/AAAAAAAAUMc/7OrcMjYpaPYikK6DKqeD67pxAn7R8njigCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6782.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1363" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ci9nO8YuElU/XAEZmMn5eWI/AAAAAAAAUMc/7OrcMjYpaPYikK6DKqeD67pxAn7R8njigCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6782.JPG" width="272" /></a>There were unicorn headbands and kitty headbands and then there was the unikitty headband! I love this one! So precious! Michelle and me dressed up for our trip to the Dream Home. I figured if you're walking around a million dollar home you might as well dress up a bit for it. It was an annual tradition for my Mom, my sister and me to go to the Dream Home. I never won anything in the lottery. My Mom and sister had won small prizes here and there but me? Nada! Still I kept thinking my luck's got to change sometime. Plus the proceeds went to a good cause -- cancer research. So I could feel good about getting a ticket regardless. Michelle liked looking at the Dream homes too. She'd always say something like "I wish we lived here! I hope we win!"<br />
"Me too!"<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VZ2WBbwnqDU/XAEZnayMxWI/AAAAAAAAUMs/Lw5_Nl1eH18OqgoAqsASdnWypfMX8y-tQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6787.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1150" data-original-width="1600" height="143" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VZ2WBbwnqDU/XAEZnayMxWI/AAAAAAAAUMs/Lw5_Nl1eH18OqgoAqsASdnWypfMX8y-tQCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN6787.JPG" width="200" /></a>I was trying to get a selfie and it wasn't working out so a kind stranger took our photo for us. We were meeting May there but she wasn't there yet. The Dream Home was beautiful, as always. Some years are better than others. Sometimes they include features that really don't suit me but you could always change it. Really it would be amazing to win regardless! Even if you didn't live there and wound up selling it. Of course you'd pretty much have to sell it because even if you won it you couldn't afford the property taxes unless you were already a millionaire!<br />
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I really could have lived without a bowling alley in the basement and a giant snakes and ladders board on the wall but it was cute anyway. I loved the mural in the living room. Michelle and me posed with it. I was lucky to catch a moment without throngs of people blocking it. The house was very crowded. It was supposed to be the VIP preview just for previous ticket buyers but there were a LOT of VIPs! You could barely walk at some points it was so crowded.<br />
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I love this photo of Michelle sitting back and reading a book like she owns the place. She's so chill. She seems perfectly comfortable and able to ignore the fact that she's surrounded by strangers. I love that no one is looking at me in the photo. Everyone is doing their own thing. And I can't get over the coincidence that the two men's shirts and the book Michelle is reading are all the exact same deep cobalt blue! What are the odds! A perfectly balanced composition! Maybe we'll win the house and Michelle will be able to sit and read in the living room. It's nice to dream!<br />
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And then one day Michelle just wanted to play dress up. She put on her fanciest dress and helped me pick out mine and did my makeup and helped me to choose accessories. The pink cat eye sunglasses were a nice touch and she let me borrow her pink hair headband. I thought it would be cute if Ali would look at the camera too but you can't have everything. Ali made it very clear in no uncertain terms that she was NOT interested in playing dress up with us.<br />
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Bubbles! I love the kaleidoscopic rainbows of colour you can see in them when you see them up close.I caught this right in front of the camera. Michelle always wanted to pop the bubbles. I wanted to see how long they could float before they'd pop on their own. Sometimes we'd see them soaring up into the sky and the wind would carry them into a neighbour's yard. I wondered what's the longest a bubble could last. Is there a Guinness World Record for that?<br />
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Our lives are like a bubble in the grand scheme of things. Beautiful and brief. Fragile and fleeting. We're here and we're gone. But we're magic for a few seconds anyway.<br />
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My baby holding a baby. So cute. Michelle was so good with the baby. So gentle and careful. Her friend's Mom said she'd make a good little babysitter. I was feeling kind of guilty for leaving Michelle there each week even while her friend was away but her friend's Mom assured me it was her pleasure. Michelle always had a great time and the family enjoyed having her there and I got to have my therapy session in peace so it was win-win-win. I was so grateful for the offer. There was a time that I couldn't have imagined leaving Michelle with anyone but my parents but I was changing, taking baby steps. Learning to trust other people. Learning to let go. Michelle had had several play dates with her friends now and she survived all of them! I can't be with her every minute. When she goes to school I have to leave her and trust that she'll be OK. The thought of Grade One did scare me but it was inevitable and I would get used to it eventually.<br />
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It didn't wind up being a very warm day but the pool was warm anyway so it was still a great day at Lord Nelson Pool with Auntie May. We thought we'd go one last time before Summer was over. My Mom didn't want to come but I think she regretted it later. It was a fun day but it's always fun with Auntie May, Shannon and Reggie. They are our happy place too!<br />
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I love these silly snaps with Shannon's i-phone. It's just so much fun. Michelle looks too adorbs in this picture. It's just perfect. Little cat ears made of flowers. What more could you want?! I love it. I wish we could stay this way. Actually Michelle sort of can because she has headbands with cute cat ears and unicorn horns and tiaras and God knows what. So she can walk around and be an adorable magical princess anytime she wants. I, on the other hand, would probably look pretty silly if I wore cat ears out in public. Just a guess. But in this silly snaps anything goes! I like being a cat sometimes too!<br />
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Nice as mice!<br />
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Michelle looks adorable as a little mouse! Look how huge her eyes are! She's like a little doll! Or a cartoon character. It's just too cute for words. I look a little goofy but she looks like a perfect little animal. Meanwhile for some reason Reggie is glaring at us in the background. Maybe he's angry that he didn't get to turn into a mouse too? Hey bro, don't be a hater! Or maybe he just didn't realize he was in the photo too? It should be a rule that if you're going to photo bomb someone you have to at least smile.<br />
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Sew what? Michelle wanted to have a sewing day. It was her idea. Out of nowhere she wanted to learn to sew and for us to make our own stuffies. So we went to Lens Mill to pick out fabrics and buttons and threads and get some stuffing and then we drew our designs and pinned them to the fabric and cut around it and sewed. I'm not an expert by any means. My skills are basic at best but I tried to teach Michelle what I know (which isn't much!) It was nerve-wracking to me to hand Michelle a sharp object. It seemed wrong somehow. I mean, is she old enough? What if she stabs herself with the needle?! Part of me thought it sounded like a monumentally bad idea but it made her happy so I thought I'd let her try. It would be a learning experience. She actually did really well for her first attempt! I had to fix a couple of spots where she left a gap in the stitching but aside from that she did it all by herself! She made a stuffed orange cat and named her "Ginger."<br />
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I made a stuffed cat too. Mine was gold. I think hers actually turned out better than mine. My fabric was actually inside out but I liked the gold part better than the paisley print that was supposed to be on the outside. Michelle was so happy with her little cat that she made all by herself! I was proud of her too. She did well for her first time with a sewing needle. She didn't even stab herself. No blood at all. (In fact I think I pricked myself with needles more than she did! She just barely poked herself a bit but not enough to break the skin.) She had a lot of fun and I was glad that we shared that together.<br />
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Every year the whole family got together at Wasaga Beach to celebrate Evie's birthday. Unfortunately this year there was a 100% chance of rain right when we were supposed to meet. Michelle and me had been looking forward to the beach. I'd packed all the beach toys, put on our swimsuits, slathered in sunscreen. The sun was shining and I was relieved it looked like a nice day. I wish I'd checked my cellphone in the morning. Mike had sent a text that it was going to rain and there was no point even trying to go to the beach so just go to his place.<br />
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Michelle was disappointed. I was mad. I wished I hadn't gotten all ready for the beach and now had to change everything. It was still good to get together with the whole family but it made me sad to miss out on our annual Wasaga trip so Mikey suggested we get together in September for his birthday. Chances were the weather would still be warm. Sometimes Global Warming comes in handy.<br />
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It's not every day that you see a unicorn on a trampoline. Michelle had been disappointed about not going to Wasaga Beach but she certainly bounced back, literally and figuratively when we got to Uncle Mikey's and she got to play with her cousins. The kids had a ball jumping on the trampoline. They were all in there at one point. I was afraid there would be a head on collision but they all managed to bounce around without getting hurt. I'll never forget the first time I went on a trampoline many many years ago. A girl who was a lot heavier than me sent me flying like s small toy. I thought I was going to die. I had no control. Actually that's kind of how I feel about my life right now. Like I'm not really in control that some giant random is just jumping around and I'm just ricocheting. It's not a good feeling for a control freak. There are so many things beyond my control. There are so many unanswered questions, unresolved issues. I try not to think about them but ignoring problems surprisingly doesn't make them go away.<br />
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My freezer leaked. It was one of the many annoying things in my life. (All the toilets made a noise too but at least they didn't leak.) It was a huge nuisance and a nightmare and I had to chisel ice out of the bottom of the freezer every day or water would leak on the floor. I thought maybe I could pull the fridge out and see if cleaning the vent in the back would do anything. I was going to wait until Michelle was in school but my therapist asked. Why not do it with her there? I don't have to put everything off until she's in school. So one day I pulled the fridge out and Michelle thought it was the coolest thing ever. Unfortunately it didn't stop the freezer from leaking.<br />
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Another play date! Michelle was excited to show off her new creation to her friends so she brought "Ginger" along on her play date. Michelle had fun playing with her friend and her sister and it gave me a little time to myself.<br />
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I had a new therapist on my team now. Sort of a life coach to meet me at home and to discuss strategies and give me tools to conquer my anxiety and move forward. She was very nice. I was grateful to have my therapist(s) in my corner but part of me felt guilty -- like I'm getting all this help and there are people with far more serious issues that may not even get help. As my coach pointed out however, there are people who may need help but would never admit it or reach out for it so I can't feel guilty about making my mental health a priority and doing all that I can to feel better. I am a work in progress and I am doing everything I can to be OK. I have to be for Michelle's sake.<br />
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We found a store called Itzy Bitzy Glitzy that seemed to be made for us! Everything sparkly and glittery and magical -- a girly girl paradise! Unfortunately it didn't last long. The next time we went to visit it had closed down with a note saying they would only be available online from now on.<br />
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So many stores are losing business to online stores. To me, there is no comparison to going into a store and picking things out.<br />
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Toys R Us in the United States went bankrupt and closed down. The Canadian ones seem to be OK so far (maybe because I'm single handedly keeping them in business! I'm sort of joking. But not.) Toys R Us Canada knows how to use marketing. They have kid's events to get people into the store because once you're in the store you're more likely to buy something. Especially if you're like me and have a weakness for cute things.<br />
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On a day when it wasn't so hot that we might spontaneously combust we made a trip to the park.<br />
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It had been a while. For most of the Summer we either went to the beach or stayed inside. It was just too hot to try to do anything else outside. Mowing the lawn was a killer but it had to be done. Aside from that I wanted to stay in air conditioned areas as much as possible.<br />
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Michelle had fun on the swings. She seemed so big on the swing even though I think it said it could fit kids up to 7 or 8. Michelle already wears size 8, she's very tall for her age. The "big kid" swings were all taken so she had to take the little kid one.<br />
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Michelle was looking forward to September. Although she'd enjoyed her Summer adventures she missed seeing her friends and was looking forward to going back to school. She was also psyched to start her ballet classes. She wanted to try on her tutu and practice ballet.<br />
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I was NOT looking forward to September. It depressed me. I wanted to rewind and live the Summer over again. Not head into Fall. Though in some ways it would be a relief, to have some time to myself, to scratch some things off my to do list, I would miss Michelle terribly. This year was harder than ever because not only was she going back to school, she was going into GRADE ONE! My little girl was growing up. It would be different. She wouldn't be in a safe little penned in area like she was in Kindergarten. She'd be going into the main doors with all the other big kids. The control freak in me was panicked about the whole thing. I wasn't a fan of change.<br />
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We decided to make one last trip to the beach. Michelle wanted to be a mermaid this time. She wore a little purple mermaid outfit. She wanted to wear the skirt in the water. She'd seen other girls wear a special mermaid tail to swim in but I told her those are special (and very expensive!) tails made for swimming in. Hers was just a costume and not meant for the water. It wasn't a durable material. Plus, she had a hard time trying to swim even without her legs squished together in a mermaid tail! There was no reasoning with her so she tried it and learned the hard way that no the mermaid skirt/tail is really NOT made to swim in. Especially in a lake. She did have fun posing in it for a while though.<br />
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At the beach with my mermaid. It is surreal to me as I type this now at the end of NOVEMBER! I meant to do this blog in October but that was out of reach. There always seemed to be something else that had to be done. Then I thought I'd get it done in November but here I am in the 11th hour literally scrambling to finish it. I may hit publish even though it's not done just because it seems ridiculous to write a post about July and August in DECEMBER. I just can't do it. It's December tomorrow. In an hour. Crazy. Life is on fast forward.<br />
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It's tough summarizing (Summer-izing) an entire Summer in a blog post. It's hard when you take a million photographs. Each time I tell myself "OK just include a few pictures. Then I go to upload them and I can't decide and I just use all of them. It's a lot."<br />
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"Why do you do it?!" my Mom keeps asking me.<br />
"I don't know. It gives me comfort somehow. I just have to."<br />
She said she wouldn't want to put her life on display. She's not even on the internet period. I've gotten into this habit of sharing my life online and it's a tough habit to break. And now in a weird way it helps me. To make sense of my life. To focus on the good parts. To find meaning in it all.<br />
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This isn't done and I apologize if you're seeing this in a state of disarray (half finished/full of errors/a bit of a mess -- kind of like me!) but I'm going to hit Publish and finish it later. Because I wanted it to be done in November and I've run out of time. Hopefully I get it done before anyone actually reads it!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ybLa_8aJzBs/XAEeVvJKSzI/AAAAAAAAUWM/on0FiQ4wFBA6MfcsJPovnIEmjZAfxu09QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7176.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1350" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ybLa_8aJzBs/XAEeVvJKSzI/AAAAAAAAUWM/on0FiQ4wFBA6MfcsJPovnIEmjZAfxu09QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7176.JPG" width="270" /></a>It was bittersweet being at the beach for the last time in August. Knowing that Michelle would be starting school soon. Knowing that Summer was ending and life just keeps going by way too fast.<br />
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You can't stop time but you can enjoy the time you have and snap a million photos to freeze it. You can capture and keep that perfect moment when the sun is shining and life is beautiful. And you can cherish those fleeting moments and those smiles forever. The moment doesn't last but at least you had it. And you have the proof. And on the days when you can't find your smile you can look back at the times that you did and remind yourself that yes life is difficult sometimes but there are still these moments of joy and they are what you need to hold on to...<br />
<br />Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-87527712666890932442018-09-20T15:04:00.002-04:002019-02-01T09:54:43.160-05:00Who are you?<br />
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"Who are you?" the therapist asked one day near the end of our session. Before I could answer her question with a question or say something facetious she added, "I mean who are you when you're NOT a Mom, sister, daughter, employee etc... Who are you REALLY, inside? That's your homework." My homework so far had mostly been reading, filling out Thought Records, exercises for challenging intrusive and unhelpful thought patterns (which I had a LOT of!), deep breathing and meditation exercises, exploring my values etc. This was the most deep and philosophical question so far. Who am I? Did I even know? When people ask who you are your reflex is usually to answer with your given name and your occupation. But is the name someone else gave you and what you do for a living really the sum of who you are? What else defines you? Gender, marital status, citizenship, culture, religion? Categories and groups you fit into? Now that I'm a Mom it's the first thing I would say. I'm a Mom. I'm a Single Mom. But she asked who I was OTHER than being a Mom etc.<br />
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We play so many roles and may define ourselves by them but who are we, independent of our external definitions or our relationships to others? What is the spirit, the essence of you? I thought about it. First I made a list of all the external I ams... a Mom (daughter, sister and all my other relationships to others), a woman, Canadian, Catholic, etc. I filled two pages double sided with all of the roles I play, categories I fit into. They were all me but not me. Who I am, the spirit inside exists independent of anything else. When all else falls away I am the spirit. I am my character, my personality, my unique collection of quirks and emotions and abilities, my experiences, my passions.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YevQAp4bJIk/W3vxymfApQI/AAAAAAAATS0/R-bm29gPjagYUl-f3K5_-_AjOB10tYvpACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6676.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1213" data-original-width="1600" height="242" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YevQAp4bJIk/W3vxymfApQI/AAAAAAAATS0/R-bm29gPjagYUl-f3K5_-_AjOB10tYvpACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6676.JPG" width="320" /></a>Then I realized I don't even have to add to "I am" -- it stands on its own. Who am I? I AM! It was an epiphany. We put ourselves in these boxes. We categorize. We label. We think so small. But who we REALLY are is limitless and eternal. So I made a list of who I am in spirit. My qualities, character, essential being. Instead of just writing it out I made a watercolour painting of it. I used the four elements and the seven chakras. I am a child of God. I am an eternal spirit. I AM. There was so much peace and freedom in that because if I just AM, if who I truly am doesn't depend on any individual role it takes the pressure off. I don't have to feel bad or feel like I'm not good enough or that I'm failing at anything. If you are more than just these roles and you don't have to define yourself by them then you can feel free and powerful and know that any problems you face are just temporary. You are eternal. You are the spirit inside. No matter what I've been through and mistakes I've made; no matter if I feel broken and uncertain; any problems that I face are TEMPORARY. I am eternal. I AM. And no one and nothing can take that from me. It was a powerful realization. If only I could hang on to it.<br />
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I tend to be VERY hard on myself. My inner critic is far more scathing than anyone else could be to me. As a student I was a type A personality and pushed myself to get straight As. I took my role as a student seriously. I had to be the BEST student. My parents never had to push me to work hard, to do my homework, to get A's. I pushed myself. While I did get good grades and win awards I often made myself miserable. It's like I never felt good enough and nothing could fill the void. I would push myself to write the perfect essay, to ace the test, to get a high grade, to win an award. But then what? When I graduated, the "real world" was a cruel slap in the face. In school you could work hard and get your gold star or A. But in the real world no one gave a damn. When I was looking for work I had some employers tell me not to put my education and awards on my resume because it made me seem overqualified, like I wouldn't be challenged. I was proud of my academic success but no one cared and the entry level jobs I was applying for weren't interested. I dabbled in a variety of jobs. The career I inevitably ended up in for almost two decades was quite unexpected. It didn't seem like a fit for someone with my temperament but I thought I'd try it. It was challenging and stressful but I had a network and social life outside of work to keep me balanced. I tried not to define myself just by my job (where I felt like a square peg in a round hole) but also as a friend/girlfriend/artist -- all of the things I was outside of work. Somehow I always felt like a bit of a failure in every role I played. Despite being told I was good at my job, I often felt like I wasn't enough and I never fit in. Most of the people in my job seemed to be tough as nails. I was decidedly NOT. I was far from bulletproof. If anything I was more sensitive than the average person. Outside of work, I felt like a failure in relationships (it didn't help that I seemed to gravitate toward relationships that were doomed to fail!) I painted but I wasn't really an artist. I wrote songs but I wasn't really a songwriter (not a professional one anyway.) I had these hobbies but they were just hobbies. I loved to write but I wasn't a writer. I had a few poems published when I was younger but fear of rejection kept me from ever sending anything out again. There wasn't really any aspect of my life where I felt confident or in control. I mostly felt like a failure at everything. Although a certain amount of humility is necessary -- to keep you grounded and striving for better, constantly beating yourself up and suffering from low self esteem is not healthy. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You feel like a failure so you fail. You don't even try. You don't live your life fully. Becoming a Mom was my most important role and I strove to be the best Mom I could be. Hearing Michelle say that I'm the "Best Mama in the world" is wonderful but somehow I still feel like a failure. I worry that I'm not good enough. At least in that respect I think I'm not alone. "Mom guilt" seems to be common. You want to do the best for your child. You love them so much. You try to give them everything. But no one can DO and BE EVERYTHING. Raising a child is tough. Especially on your own. Being a single Mom is the hardest and most important role I've ever played. I can not fail at this.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zuxi-bhn20/W1P1T6XUwuI/AAAAAAAAS_c/QKAhxh8EUaILmdpJ_4Dtm-PJJkARE9ZewCLcBGAs/s1600/yoga%2Blotus%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1295" data-original-width="1600" height="259" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zuxi-bhn20/W1P1T6XUwuI/AAAAAAAAS_c/QKAhxh8EUaILmdpJ_4Dtm-PJJkARE9ZewCLcBGAs/s320/yoga%2Blotus%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" width="320" /></a>At this point as far as my career was concerned, I felt like a total failure. I had tried. I struggled. I couldn't handle it. The job was pushing me over the edge for a long time and finally broke me. Now I was in therapy, trying to heal. If you are your job/occupation, if that's all you are then what was I now? Not. A failure. Broken. Stressed. On pause. But what if who I am is not dependent on my job? I thought about who I want to be: the person I am when I'm sharing time with Michelle, when I'm doing yoga, when I'm creating art. The happy me. The creative me. The zen me. I didn't like who I was when I was stressed out and angry and anxious, worrying about everything. I didn't like who I had become in my job. Of course we are not one dimensional. There are many sides to us and we need to accept all of them. I am the sum of my feelings and thoughts and actions. I am good and bad, yin and yang.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QivK5SQqZZA/W1P1T6Oct6I/AAAAAAAAS_g/eyWwS5biv4gkkP2WUtDZjom77T6PU28JwCLcBGAs/s1600/Namaste%2Blotus.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1311" data-original-width="1600" height="262" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QivK5SQqZZA/W1P1T6Oct6I/AAAAAAAAS_g/eyWwS5biv4gkkP2WUtDZjom77T6PU28JwCLcBGAs/s320/Namaste%2Blotus.JPG" width="320" /></a>My therapist loved my painting. Whenever she gave me homework I tried to do it to the best of my ability (the student in me coming out!) She said some clients/patients don't even do their homework. It never occurred to me that that was an option. The homework was part of my therapy and I wanted to do everything I could to get better. I usually found a creative way to do it (the artist in me coming out!) Painting again felt good. For so long I hadn't done anything creative. There simply wasn't time. Art can be a form of therapy. It was relaxing. I started to use it as a sort of meditation and did a series of zen lotus paintings -- Yoga, Namaste, I am. I felt calm while I was doing them and when I looked at them. Unfortunately the rest of the time life was still there to stress me out. Picasso said "Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." But sometimes there is a LOT of dust!<br />
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Then one day I decided to watch "The Secret." I got the DVD and the book over a decade ago. It came out in 2006. When I first watched it, and read it, it seemed so powerful. I was fascinated by the Law of Attraction. I realized that for much of my life I had been negative and had been attracting the negative. What if I tried to be positive instead? Maybe good things could happen for a change. For a while I was using the Secret and it was magical. I made a vision board and actually started to attract a lot of the things that I wanted. I got a part in a film, put out a CD called "Magnetic," lived out a lot of my dreams. Things kept happening that were quite unexpected. I started to believe in myself and really go after what I wanted. I got my dream car, met my dream man. Unfortunately, doubt and cynicism began to set in. Life isn't perfect and when things went wrong it was hard to keep being positive. Inevitably it all fell apart. It seemed there was always too much negative and the positive didn't stand a chance against it. After a while I pretty much gave up on the Secret. Now, all these years later I thought I'd watch it just for fun. Just as a sort of "Alternative Thought." The movie stresses how you can attract anything you want if you just ASK -- tell the universe what you want, BELIEVE -- have faith that it will come to you and RECEIVE -- visualize already having it and feel grateful about it. It all sounds lovely but when you're sort of broken and hanging by a thread it can be harder to get yourself into that mindset. It feels like a lie. It's hard to believe. At the part where they say "Start with something small. Make it your intention to attract a cup of coffee today" I said out loud "Yeah. OK. Someone will randomly bring me an iced capp. Sure. Could happen." I didn't really believe it. I was sort of being sarcastic. I had no social life. I barely talked to anyone aside from my Mom on the phone and she didn't even have a car so she sure wouldn't be bringing me an iced capp. I could go get one myself but that's not really the same. The odds of someone suddenly bringing me an iced capp were slim to none. But then something REALLY weird happened...<br />
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An old boyfriend that I hadn't heard from in a year or so randomly called me up. He asked how I was doing. "Uhhhh...Well. Not very good actually. I had a breakdown and I'm on stress leave from work." There was a long silence. He wasn't expecting that! I'm an open book. I wasn't going to pretend everything was OK just to impress an old flame. Finally he replied "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're OK." Apparently he was going to be in town later that day and he asked if he could pop by for a visit. TODAY? OMG. The house was like a bomb hit it. I certainly hadn't been expecting company. I never have company. But somehow I couldn't say no. He said he'd be there in a couple of hours. I had two hours to transform the house from the apocalyptic state it was in to an actual presentable livable home. I didn't know if it could be done. I was almost going to say I'd changed my mind and it was a monumentally bad idea when he said: "I'll stop at a Tims on the way. Do you want an iced capp?" OMG. Suddenly I got a chill down my back. Seriously?! What were the odds?! Someone was suddenly BRINGING ME AN ICED CAPP just like I'd said! So weird! The Secret was working. That was FAST! Now I was wishing I'd asked for a lottery win!<br />
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He was going to be there in a couple of hours. I raced around like a maniac to clean and tidy the house. I got a wicked headache on the left side of my head. It was blinding. I wondered if it was a migraine. What the hell was I doing? I spent most of my days trying to avoid stress and now I was inviting it. Literally. Stress (in the form of an ex boyfriend) was coming to my friggin house. This was ridiculous. Why didn't I say no? No would have been so much easier! I didn't want to see him. The last time I'd seen him was at my Mom's one day when he was in town and called me up. He popped by for a visit. It was after I'd worked a 16 hour dayshift on no sleep and I looked and felt like Hell. He told me I looked "tired." A-hole! Do not tell a woman she looks tired, even if she does! He told me to call him sometime to go for a coffee (or iced capp.) I decided it would be a cold day in Hell before I ever called him. And I didn't. Now he was calling me. Out of the blue. Because I said to the universe "Someone will bring me an iced capp." And the universe responded. He just happened to be heading to my neighbourhood that day. Maybe he wouldn't have called me but the universe nudged him. "Hey that's Ann Marie's neck of the woods. You could drop by and see her. Maybe she won't look so tired this time. Bring her an iced capp."<br />
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So he came over, iced capp in hand. Michelle had been excited to meet him. I told her he was an old boyfriend and now we were just friends and he was just popping by to say hello. It was evening and past her bedtime by the time he arrived. So after a brief introduction she went upstairs. She wouldn't settle down. I could still hear her. My visitor and I sat on the couch and talked. We talked about life, work, stress. He said it was good that I was finally taking some time to take care of myself. He told me how beautiful I looked, how sexy I was. I argued that I was anything but. I was tired and looked like Hell and I was sweating from running around the house trying to clean and tidy and vacuum etc. I'm too honest. I've got no game. I didn't feel attractive. I wasn't trying to be attractive. He laughed and said I worry too much. He leaned in for a kiss. I didn't feel comfortable. I felt guilty. I told him my daughter is just upstairs and isn't even asleep yet. I'm not making out with a guy when she's just upstairs and could come down at any moment (and likely would make some excuse to.) I realized then that my chances of ever actually having a romantic relationship were less than ZERO. Because Michelle would ALWAYS be there and I would never feel comfortable having a man in the house unless it was strictly platonic. I also realized the feelings I had for him once upon a time (I was gaga over him when we dated a long long time ago before he flew across the world and broke my heart) were not the same now. He was older. He was different. More importantly, I was older. I was different. I'm not the girl who needed to define herself as someone's "girlfriend." Now I was a Mom. That was far more important. I didn't feel that void I used to feel that I needed a man in my life. I told him that it wasn't a good idea. That I'm fragile and the last thing I need is to be toyed with. I don't want that kind of drama. He was never the most reliable sort. The truth was I just really wasn't feeling it. He whispered "Don't you miss this?" as he kissed me. I pushed him away. The truth was I didn't. I'm like a camel. I've gone 7 years without sex. I can go 7 more or forever if I need to. It's not a big deal. It was kind of empowering to reject him. He wanted me and I was like "Meh." This was one of the most handsome men I had ever met in real life. I was head over heels for him back in the day. Now he was just a middle aged man on my couch and I was like, "Nah." He gave me his number/address and told me to call him/visit him someday which I never did. I mean it would be nice to have a friend. It's not like I have many. (Or any, outside of family.) But I questioned his intentions. And I don't have time for BS. Still, it felt good to have a man's attention again. To feel like a "woman" again rather than just a "Mom." It had been a long time. I used to get hit on all the time when I went out. Now it's been years. Of course I don't go to bars or anything anymore. Unless someone happens to hit on me at Walmart or the park, it's not happening! The attention was nice. Still, it was drama that I didn't need. I've got 99 problems but a man ain't one! I need time to heal and get myself together. The last thing I need is to embark on a relationship(wreck). Especially one that already sank like the Titanic a long time ago. He obviously wanted to be more than friends (he probably wanted to be friends with benefits but I don't do that.) Now that I'm a Mom, Michelle is my top priority. So no, I don't have time for that. It was cool to have someone randomly bring me an iced capp though right after thinking it! That was sort of spooky. Thoughts can become things. If only I could think positive more often. I wish I wasn't a worrier.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-11ub-IehFRo/W1P4W5LaooI/AAAAAAAAS_4/1-mXwHQIrBYj6tPp-KxQ2O8syz_ST7C2gCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6295.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1115" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-11ub-IehFRo/W1P4W5LaooI/AAAAAAAAS_4/1-mXwHQIrBYj6tPp-KxQ2O8syz_ST7C2gCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6295.JPG" width="222" /></a>I wish I could be the Zen version of me. I want to be the person I am when I'm doing yoga. Calm, strong, balanced. If only I could hold onto that feeling. But of course you can't do a headstand or a lotus when you're stuck in traffic. In the rest of my life I don't feel calm or strong or balanced. I often feel like a mess. I'm working on it. You can't always find your zen. Things go wrong. Even though I go out of my way to avoid stressful situations and to do the things that make me happy, life happens. You can't avoid all stress. I don't watch the news but I still hear things. I spend most of my time at home but even there things go wrong. And I worry. What am I doing? What does the future hold? I want to be the best Mom for Michelle. Can I do that? Can I be strong for her even when it feels like I'm falling apart?<br />
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Time was flying. Even on the stressful days. I couldn't believe it was May already. It was insane. Almost half a year had gone by. I would have thought I'd be "better" by now, have things figured out by now, be settled by now. Not so much. I was still a work in progress and taking it one day at a time. Michelle was what kept me going. I was so grateful to have time with her.<br />
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This is a little late. Yes this post is about May and June. I started it in July. I was hoping to finish it before the end of August but here we are in mid-SEPTEMBER and I'm still working on it!) Part of me thinks I should just stop writing this blog because I reveal too much and it's hard to find the time but then this is so therapeutic for me and my way of working through things. I need it. Even if no one reads it (thank you to those who do!) it is for me. It is my diary/record of my experiences. Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living." I find it rewarding to examine my life. To relive it in this way. It helps me to look back and see the positive instead of focusing on the negative. I have so many photos and they are always my happy moments. I don't take pictures of my bad moments. As part of my therapy I was trying to have as many happy moments as possible. To literally and figuratively "Go to my happy place." To stay distracted from the distressing and uncomfortable aspects of my life. At least now that the weather was good we could get out and breathe fresh air again. Spring had barely started but Michelle and me were already dreaming of Summer. We went to the beach. We were just about the only ones there. The palm trees weren't there yet. They usually arrive at the end of May. There were just the stumps of last year's trees. I was trying to find my zen -- doing yoga every day, going for massages, learning relaxation techniques. Going to the beach was another way to find peace. The beach is my happy place. Michelle loves it too.<br />
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My girl and me! She wanted to go in the water. I told her it would be ICE COLD. It was really too soon to be going to the beach but I figured we could still play in the sand and listen to the waves. The beach, like yoga, art and music helps me find my zen. Again I wish I could bottle that feeling. Just close my eyes and be there. Somehow visualizing is never quite the same as the real thing. Listening to the waves on the shore is one of the most soothing sounds on Earth.<br />
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Flowers blooming are one sure sign that Spring has arrived. In the Fall last year Michelle's school was selling bulbs instead of chocolates. I was relieved because at least I wouldn't have to worry about gaining 10 lbs eating a case of chocolate this time but I worried that my tulips wouldn't even grow. I've never had tulips before. I wasn't sure if I'd planted them correctly. You really don't know until Spring comes. I was happy to see them coming up.<br />
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It's amazing how the world renews itself. After the dead of Winter, everything buried under the snow, somehow life finds a way, they push through the darkness and bloom.<br />
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I had been through a very dark period. Maybe I could find my way out of it too and blossom someday. Some days it's easier to believe than others.<br />
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A trip to the park, finally getting some fresh air can do wonders for your spirit when you've been cooped up for so long during a cold, dark, brutal winter. Especially one where you've been dealing with so much emotionally/mentally. It felt like I could finally breathe again. Michelle was excited to go to the park too. The trees were still looking pretty bleak and barren but we'd be surrounded by green again soon enough. The weather had been so strange. From bitter cold and icy to warm from one day to the next so you never really knew if you could trust the good weather. I decided to take the chance and put my boots away. It was sandal weather and I was not going back. People never knew quite what to do. You might see someone in a parka and boots and someone in shorts and sandals on the VERY SAME DAY. Once I committed to it being Spring though, the winter coat and boots were packed away and they were NOT coming out again, no matter how cold it got!<br />
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It always amazes me how Michelle can make friends absolutely everywhere we go. Of course she's a child and it's easier than it is for adults but even as a child I was shy. I never made friends so easily. Michelle can talk to anyone. She's so confident, extroverted, the opposite of an insecure introvert like me. I'm glad she's different. I'm glad that she won't have to go through a lot of the struggles that I went through. It will hopefully be much easier for her in school, in life, in relationships and work.<br />
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April showers bring May flowers. Of course it still rained in May. The rain never dampened Michelle's spirit. Rain or shine she could find the beauty in each day. It's a good way to be. Again, I could learn a lot from her! But it just seems to be in her nature to be happy. I wish I was like that. I have to work at it. The negative emotions seem to come more naturally to me, happiness is more of an effort. It's always so fragile and so conditional. It can disappear so easily as soon as there's something to worry about (which is almost always!)<br />
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Michelle wanted to "save the worms." We'd seen worms on the sidewalk. Sometimes she'd see dead ones dried out in the sun and I'd explain that they come out of the ground in the rain then some of them get stuck on the sidewalk and dry out when the sun is out again. So she decided to save the worms on the sidewalk by picking them up and putting them back on the grass. It was cute (and sort of disgusting.) I thought it was sweet of her and let her do it for a while but after being in the rain a while I said OK that's more than enough worm saving for one day! I'm glad that she's a sweet, caring girl with such a big heart. Gentle even to the smallest of creatures. And as much as she is a Princess she is still down to earth enough to like digging in the dirt and touching worms!<br />
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I was thrilled to see the tulips growing! Of course I had chosen pink. After months of grey, seeing a hint of green and pink was soothing to the soul. I remembered the Hans Christian Andersen quote: "Just living is not enough... One must have freedom, sunshine and a little flower." There is something so comforting about flowers. They are magical, otherworldly, perfect. It's no wonder that people give them for gifts or send them to you to get well. They give you hope. They remind you that life is beautiful, even on the most difficult of days. You have to look for the beauty. Sometimes it's hard to find. The world has gone to Hell in many ways. It's relentless. Fires, floods, disasters, violence, pain, despair. You can't focus on that. That is the dark side of humanity. The bright side is when we focus on the beauty of Nature. When we find what is good within us. When we find our oneness, compassion, joy, love.<br />
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Michelle did a portrait of her and I. I loved her artwork. It was interesting how her style started to change and evolve over time with more details.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6oIOrzFnuh4/W1FocgOALkI/AAAAAAAASm4/19Yh4-2pwHg58V5oGXsW807KxJ4RF7HQACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7324.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1206" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6oIOrzFnuh4/W1FocgOALkI/AAAAAAAASm4/19Yh4-2pwHg58V5oGXsW807KxJ4RF7HQACLcBGAs/s200/DSCN7324.JPG" width="150" /></a>The world Michelle created was beautiful -- all smiles and sunshine and rainbows. Full of love and hope and magic. We should all get to live in that world. I am grateful that I get to live in it, at least some of the time, with her. Seeing the world through Michelle's eyes helped to counteract the dark and hopeless view I sometimes had. Work had been such a dark place. Now with some time away from it I could try to see the bright side of life again.<br />
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Michelle is always telling me she loves me, hugging me, writing me love notes. I never tire of it. I know that some people aren't affectionate or demonstrative. I can't imagine being that way. I think the world as a whole needs more love and affection. Maybe the world wouldn't be as messed up as it is if everyone every day hugged someone and told them they loved them. I think most of the anger, hatred and pain in the world stems from people who don't feel loved. I'm grateful for Michelle. I have never loved someone so much or felt so loved. Being a Mom is the best thing that ever happened to me.<br />
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The flowers continued to bloom. Tulips and daffodils. I'd admired bulb flowers in peoples' gardens before but never had them myself. I was glad that Michelle's school was selling them or I wouldn't have ever bought them on my own. I was always intimidated by the bulbs for some reason. It seemed strange to me -- these packages of strange looking pods that you plant in the ground in Fall not even knowing if they'd actually grow or not. I worried I'd mess it up somehow. I tend to doubt myself. Even over the silliest things. I remember one guy that I dated was the opposite. He bought a car, a standard, before he even got his license. "How do you know you can even drive it?!" I asked him. No one in my family could drive standard so I never even tried. I learned on an automatic.<br />
"If other people can do it, I can do it." he reasoned, "I'm at least as smart as everyone else." It was the opposite of me. He was confident and an optimist. I was insecure and pessimistic. I felt incompetent and doubted myself. I always assumed I couldn't do things. Even successes (in school etc) didn't eliminate the self-doubt.<br />
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Michelle loved piano. I was happy to be able to get her piano lessons. It was something I'd always wanted as a child and never had. It was exciting to see her start to read music, recognizing notes on the staff. Even though I'd been playing guitar for years I never learned to read music. I just learned the basic chords and never really progressed from there. Michelle was excited that she knew something I didn't. She knew a lot of things I didn't of course. Like how to be happy, enthusiastic and resilient all the time. She was my inspiration. Of course she didn't have the stresses and responsibilities I had.<br />
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While I was working Michelle saw Gramma and Grampa A LOT because they're my child care. Now that I was off work we didn't see them as often but we made sure to visit now and then. Michelle loves her grandparents and made them a card to say she'd missed them.<br />
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I wish I lived closer to my Mom and Dad and my sister. They are my lifeline and I feel pretty isolated where I am. Unfortunately (barring a lottery win or something!) I can't afford to live in that neck of the woods.<br />
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It's tough being on my own without a partner, without my family in town, without a social network. It's one of the reasons I go online, on Twitter and on my blog. It's a small way that I can sort of connect with people around the world briefly. As alone as I may be or feel sometimes, it helps to know that there are people out there who can relate to me in little ways.<br />
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Of course I'm never actually alone. I have the sweetest little girl in the world and her love is what keeps me going no matter what. But sometimes you need to talk to someone who isn't 5 years (going on 6 years) old. Talking to my sister on the phone and seeing my therapist once a week helped me to keep it together. I was trying to be happy. Even my therapist said it's not realistic to expect to be happy ALL THE TIME. No one is. No matter how good they may be at faking it. It's natural and healthy to experience a range of emotions, many of which are negative. It's just a matter of being able to deal with the unpleasant ones when they arise.<br />
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I love flowers. They're like these gorgeous little alien beings. I envy their peaceful existence. They don't have to worry about anything. Just sit in the sun and look beautiful. A pretty sweet life. Seeing flowers grow after such a dark, barren, brutal winter did my heart good.<br />
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I was happy to see the daffodils coming up. I'd never had daffodils before. I wasn't sure if I'd planted them right. It's weird to be sticking this onion-looking thing in the ground in the Fall and just trusting that it's going to grow in the Spring. But somehow it does. Daffodils are flashy. Such a showy, extravagant flower. I can almost hear them say "TA-DAH!" like they are the show-stoppers of any garden. Of course in mythology the daffodil is Narcissus -- the god so in love with his own reflection that he couldn't love anyone else and died to be reborn as this beautiful flower. I would love to have a big garden like I used to. Of course it's a lot of work and expense but it is so soothing to be around flowers.<br />
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My little unicorn!<br />
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One day her school was having an open house. There was a big school assembly earlier in the day but Michelle said that she wasn't part of it or anything so we agreed I didn't need to come for that. I also told her I had errands to run that day so I would just come to her class for a few minutes at the end of the day to visit with her for a bit before the bell went.<br />
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Unfortunately Michelle didn't remember that. Apparently other parents had gone to the assembly because they had older kids involved in it. Michelle was upset that other parents were there and I wasn't. She kept watching for me and being disappointed I wasn't there. So when I finally showed up at the end of the day, instead of being glad to see me she was pouting and angry.<br />
"You weren't here!" she accused, exasperated, "I thought you weren't coming!" Her eyes were welling up with tears. I felt awful. "But I'm HERE NOW!" I reminded her, "and instead of being happy to see me you're complaining? I told you I was just coming for a few minutes before the bell!" "I forgot!" she told me. I finally managed to calm her down and she hugged me and was glad I was there. Some parents weren't able to go at all. Michelle was disappointed that I'd missed her singing a song with her class so the teacher had them perform it again. I held it together while I was at the school but after we got home I went off for a minute to cry. I try to do everything for Michelle but sometimes it feels like it's never enough. I want to be the perfect Mom and to make her happy, to be strong for her and someone she can look up to. And lately it just seemed like I was a failure. And being a Mom is more important to me than anything. No matter what else I may have done wrong in my life. I HAVE to get this right.<br />
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I thought that I was supposed to be happy and that if I wasn't that there was something wrong with me. My therapist insisted that it's not normal or possible to be happy all the time, nor should you try. She introduced me to Susan David's work. David had a TED video where she talks about Emotional Agility. I loved her line "Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility." I loved that she referred to the "tyranny of positivity." It was a sharp contrast to most of the self-help, positive thinking books out there. We always think we SHOULD be this or that. We strive to be positive/happy/perfect/so-called normal. We set ourselves up to fail. Some of us should ourselves to death! We feel like we SHOULD be happy and positive all the time but that's not realistic. It's not healthy to try to stifle your negative emotions. It doesn't work. It also isn't healthy to wallow in them. To be resilient and emotionally agile you have to accept ALL of your emotions and work through them. It was liberating to think that I don't have to be perfect/happy/positive all the time because realistically NO ONE IS. Life is difficult and it is natural to respond with a range of emotions. Your negative feelings aren't all bad. Very often they are signs that a change is needed. After seeing Susan David's video I ordered her book and I LOVED it. I wrote a review for it on Amazon:<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.ca/gp/customer-reviews/RJ9NU6SAEOF9W/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=1592409490">Click here for my review of Emotional Agility on Amazon</a><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QYM6Nh632_w/W1FpxfLGEgI/AAAAAAAASpc/rX96y1Dlx88Sw0iRAXQlvfFMQ_jfqY48gCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7380.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QYM6Nh632_w/W1FpxfLGEgI/AAAAAAAASpc/rX96y1Dlx88Sw0iRAXQlvfFMQ_jfqY48gCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7380.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle and me LOVED the movie "Ferdinand." We'd seen it in the theatre and got it on DVD. It's about a bull who doesn't want to fight. He wants to stop and smell the flowers. It's adorable and has a beautiful message: to be who you are, instead of being forced to be what you're expected to be. Among the bonus features on the DVD there were instructions for creating your own garden from an egg carton. You used the egg shells as planters and can actually put them into the ground like that. Michelle wanted to try it, so I boiled some eggs (I had a LOT of egg salad!), filled the shells with soil, planted the seeds, watered them and waited. And waited. It seemed like nothing would ever grow. Then finally we started to see a few little sprouts. When they were big enough we planted them outside. Again I was reminded of the metaphor not to give up. Even when it seems like there's no growth, no hope, you just give it time and nurturing and eventually out of the dark soil, a final hint of green...<br />
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Not having a dad in her life Michelle unfortunately is somewhat starved for male attention. She LOVES her uncle Chris and hangs off of him at family events. Then after school she was hanging off of her friend's dad. While he said he didn't mind I kept asking her to kindly not hang off of him like a monkey on a tree. I don't quite have the arm/upper body strength to swing her around like a jungle gym! I do still carry her into the house when she falls asleep in the car but it NEARLY KILLS ME!<br />
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Another day at the beach! The palm trees were still Missing In Action but it's still nice to have the water and sand. 2 out of 3 ain't bad! We pretty much had the beach to ourselves because it was still May and not exactly beach weather yet. Michelle tried to go in the water but never made it farther than her feet. It was of course ICE COLD! I was just grateful to have the sun overhead, sand in my toes and the sound of the waves on the shore. If only I could bottle those sounds and that feeling. I feel at peace at the beach.<br />
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One day Michelle was all excited that she "won the castle wall" in her class.<br />
"The what now?"<br />
Her teacher apologized. She said the class had created this castle wall. Then to get rid of it they had a contest/raffle for someone to take it home and Michelle was the winner. Whoopee. So now I was stuck with this MASSIVE grey painted roll of paper.<br />
"OK...um...thanks." I said.<br />
Her teacher told me "I told Michelle that maybe you'd have it for a few days and then have to 'put it away.'"<br />
Put it away was a euphemism for throwing it away. I had a friend once who threw out all of her children's artwork, almost immediately after them bringing it home. She didn't like clutter. I couldn't fathom it. I had a sentimental attachment to nearly everything Michelle created. Even this large group project castle wall in a way. Even though she'd only had a small part in creating it. How could I throw it out? I decided it actually wasn't so bad. It made a good backdrop for photos. I could always put it in the basement which wasn't finished anyway and anything would be an improvement over bare insulated walls and boards. Dear Teachers: PLEASE don't give me large craft projects or I will feel compelled to keep them and then I will have even more clutter to make room for!<br />
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The Butterfly Conservatory is one of my happy places. If I ever just want to forget my worries and become immersed in another world, it's the place to go. You walk in and no matter what it's like outside, inside it is HOT. It's like walking into a tropical jungle, literally. You're surrounded by palms, hibiscus, all varieties of beautiful plants and flowers, a waterfall and of course butterflies flitting around you everywhere. It is PARADISE!<br />
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I need beauty. As humans we need certain things to survive: air, water, food, shelter. But living is more than just survival. We need love. We need beauty. We need creativity and laughter and fun. I spent so long in a dark and ugly place and it broke me. My soul was starving for light and beauty, for the brighter side of life. Beauty nourishes the soul. It makes you feel close to God.<br />
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A Blue Morpho on Michelle's finger. Not that you would know because the underside of their wings are brown with camouflage to look like eyes. I tried to get her (or him?) to open her (or his) wings for a photo but she (he) wasn't cooperating. You can't have everything. It's pretty amazing to have a butterfly light on you at all.<br />
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The staff will tell you not to touch the butterflies. You can't touch their wings or you could damage them. Also, butterflies taste with their feet. So if they're willing to sit on you they must find you sweet. They could always fly away if they weren't happy.<br />
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Michelle takes it personally when butterflies fly away from her. With something as elusive as the butterfly, I remind her how amazing it is to get their attention at all.<br />
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Another butterfly and a big smile! Photo gold. I love these moments and capturing them warms my heart. My little girl is growing up so fast and getting to hold on to moments like this means everything to me. It just goes TOO DANG FAST. Even as I type this I think of how fast the Summer went. It seems like it just started and it's over. But at this point it was still May. Summer hadn't even officially started yet.<br />
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There were many occasions coming up -- birthdays, Mother's Day. I was grateful to have this time to share with Michelle. Since she's been in my life she has become my life and I don't know how I ever lived without her.<br />
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My very brave girl holding a VERY BIG BUG! Staff asked me if I wanted to meet Mr. Bug. I said no I'm good thanks. I'll just stand over here at a safe distance and watch my daughter holding the monstrous thing.<br />
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Yes Michelle is obviously far more courageous than me. She's far more resilient than me. I wish I was more like her. She is always filled with energy and enthusiasm. She sees the beauty and magic of life. Her imagination is limitless. She's happy and confident. She believes in herself. Then there's Mama. Tired much of the time and tenuous. Scared. Plagued with self-doubt. I want to see life's magic and beauty and sometimes I do, but I'm often dragged down by disillusionment and ugliness. I'm broken. The world is broken. And sometimes I don't know how to keep it together. But these happy times, these fun adventures help to distract me from my issues. Distraction and avoidance were my main survival tools these days.<br />
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Mother's Day! Since becoming a Mom it has so much more meaning for me. Michelle is always telling me she loves me and I'm the best Mama but it's especially nice to hear it on Mother's Day.<br />
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Michelle is the best gift I could ever receive. She did make a few things for me, at school and on her own. Little love flags, cards and pictures. And wrapped up there was a board with a heart made of buttons: "Moms are like buttons. They hold everything together." It made me cry. Am I holding it together? I can barely hold myself together. But I try.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FFcNzEL0pCA/W1FrwmzXkgI/AAAAAAAAStw/63ZJF6A_CMI1H2v_usvd1OHug7DacsBMACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7644.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1350" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FFcNzEL0pCA/W1FrwmzXkgI/AAAAAAAAStw/63ZJF6A_CMI1H2v_usvd1OHug7DacsBMACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7644.JPG" width="270" /></a>Of course we're in matching outfits again as you can see. I'd gone to Superstore with my Mom before Mother's Day. She had told me that they had matching mother and daughter outfits for Mother's Day. I looked around the store and wasn't able to find anything so I asked someone in the store who didn't know either. Then my Mom showed me the flyer and I saw this matching pattern. So I looked for it in women's wear and children's. Failing to dress up matching Mom and daughter mannequins seemed like a missed marketing opportunity to me but maybe most people aren't like me. I was thrilled to find us matching outfits. Especially for Mother's Day. So I got Michelle the dress and myself the shirt. They're not identical but close enough. I love dressing Michelle and me alike. Mom and daughter squad.</div>
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A group shot outside.<br />
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I've had my Nikon for years now and I'm attached to it but it is getting more and more distressing to see blurs across the photos where the lens is scratched. Sometimes I luck out and the blur is in a spot that doesn't matter -- just a blurry bit of background. But sometimes it's like a ghost over people's faces. It drives me crazy. Still I don't get a new camera. I'm resistant to change. Most people just use their phone as a camera. My cell is old and I can't even take photos with it anymore.<br />
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Michelle loves her Uncle Chris. She's always hanging off of him. Uncle Chris dropped a bomb on us on Mother's Day. He was getting married. Finally! When he gave me the card I hugged and congratulated him. I hadn't really read it properly. I thought it was a wedding invitation but it was a wedding #unvitation (I coined that word myself by the way so if it catches on please give me credit!) What the card actually said was that Chris and his other half were having a private ceremony that we were NOT invited to however we were welcome to join them at a public concert afterward. It was strange. Several times they'd gone on tropical vacations and I wouldn't have been surprised to hear they'd eloped and tied the knot in Jamaica or Cuba or wherever. It would be understandable that no one could go because we couldn't afford to fly to Jamaica. But now they were announcing their elopement before it happened and were getting married on a local beach (where we COULD have gone but weren't invited?) Weird. It put a damper on Mother's Day for my Mom who was heart broken and fighting back tears. It was kind of a slap in the face. Like telling her she didn't matter. She wasn't even invited to her son's wedding. At the end of the day you have to do what feels right for you, whether people like it or not. You just have to know that some people won't like it. We were a little hurt. Still, I love my brother. It is what it is.<br />
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And then there's Mom. She drives me crazy but I love her. I talk to her every day. She calls every day to make sure that I'm OK because she worries that I'm on my own. Michelle knows how to call 9-1-1 if she needed to (hopefully she never needs to!) My Mom doesn't worry about my siblings as much because they all have a partner. Someone has their back. With me, it's just me. Sometimes it's tough not having a partner. It's all me. My Mom and my sister are my lifeline. I wish I could afford to live closer to them because I do feel pretty isolated where I am.<br />
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Having time off to heal and care for myself was making a difference. My focus now was on self-care. I was doing yoga every day, writing and painting, doing things to help me relax and nourish my soul. I went for massages and the massage therapist was very kind and a good listener (it was like another psychotherapy session!) It's amazing how much stress we hold in our muscles. Having those knots worked out helped more than I could have imagined.<br />
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I had gone so long not taking care of myself at all. It wasn't even an option. There wasn't time. My schedule was crazy. On top of the traumatic stress of my job itself I had to deal with running on less than empty -- sleep deprived, unhealthy eating habits (grabbing fast food during my long commute), no exercise. I was physically and psychologically beyond broken and still kept pushing myself. Now I finally had time to take care of myself. I remember hearing a quote a long time ago: "Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong." The better care you take of yourself, the stronger and more resilient you feel. Neglecting yourself, hurting yourself with toxic habits, lack of sleep etc makes you weak. It breaks you down. No one can run on empty. You can only coast on fumes for so long until you just stop.<br />
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My Mom stresses me out a lot of the time. She is very negative. It's who she is. She catastrophizes (a habit I unfortunately picked up too!) But I still love her and I can't imagine life without her. She looks so cute here with the little bear ears and nose!<br />
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My Mom was going through health issues as well and I worried about her. It made me more compassionate toward her. She looks so good for her age that sometimes I forget that she's elderly. As much as she does drive me crazy sometimes I love her so much and I'm grateful to have her in my life.<br />
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My little Princess and me. I love these filters from Shannon's camera. They're so cute. Michelle looks like a little doll. She is my angel.<br />
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Being a Mom myself helps me to appreciate my own Mom more. Yes she made a lot of mistakes but she was trying to do what she believed was right. No one has all the answers. There are conflicting schools of thought/research on how to be the perfect parent. The bottom line is that no one is perfect. You just do the best you can. You love your child. I try to learn from my Mom's mistakes and often do the opposite, trying to give Michelle everything I didn't have. My Mom did one thing right: when she was pregnant she read to me. I believe it helped me develop a lifelong love of words and reading and I did the same with Michelle. I read and sang to her in utero and she loves reading as much as I do.<br />
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The winter is so bleak and barren. Dark, grey skies, leafless trees. Springtime with the sun shining, fresh air and green appearing everywhere helped me to feel more hopeful. It's like the world is coming back to life again and I was feeling more alive again.<br />
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I felt like I was starting to find my way. I didn't know what the future held but I was hopeful.<br />
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Unfortunately it didn't quite work the way I expected. I expected to "get better" or "be cured." To be fixed/done. Instead it's a journey of ups and downs. I would have good days and bad. Sometimes it felt like I took one step forward and two steps back. Bad days really knocked the wind out of my sails. I would become discouraged. I just wanted to be OK. I had to be OK for Michelle.<br />
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Michelle wants a man in her life. I see it. I feel it and it's devastating. I try to give her everything but that's one thing I can't give her. I refuse to let someone into our lives that isn't worthy of her and my standards are very high. I would rather not date at all than to get involved in a toxic relationship (which was almost all I ever had in the past. I'm not going there again. It's different now.) Michelle loves playing with her Uncle Chris and is always climbing all over him. Unfortunately she was also doing it with her friend's dad. "Michelle," I scolded her, "leave him alone."<br />
He said he didn't mind but I was embarrassed by her grabbing him, hanging off of him, pestering him. Everyone else has a dad. It's hard for her sometimes. I remind her that she has a Mama who loves her VERY much. More than any other TWO parents could. But I know she'd like to have a man around. And sometimes I wish I did too. Unfortunately I feel like everyone around me is married. I seem to be the only single parent in the world (or at least my neighbourhood.)<br />
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Michelle's school was having a Walk-a-thon for charity. I decided to join her and walk around the track as I did last year. I had to get photos of Michelle of course. It was pretty tough to snap photos without photo bombers (sometimes deliberately, like this guy. It was pretty funny though!)<br />
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It was good exercise and fun to walk around with her. Michelle is so full of energy she wanted to run a lot of the time. I would have been content just to walk. I was getting winded.<br />
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The day wound up being a lot cooler than I'd expected. We'd had some really hot days but this wasn't one of them. We were actually a little chilly. I was wishing I hadn't put Michelle in shorts. I just didn't want her to be too hot. The climate has changed so much and is so out of whack you just never know what to expect. On any given day it could be unseasonably warm or cold.<br />
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The walk-a-thon ended in time for recess. Michelle didn't want me to leave so I hung out with her for a while. The kids gathered around us in a circle. It was cute. It was cool to be able to hang out with Michelle at school for a while. I often wonder how she's doing throughout the day when I'm not with her.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k39YnFpNyKI/W1FtNvn7ELI/AAAAAAAASyY/_aazuCS3r3U57BxLdQippLECLIeLxw2UgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7780.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1196" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k39YnFpNyKI/W1FtNvn7ELI/AAAAAAAASyY/_aazuCS3r3U57BxLdQippLECLIeLxw2UgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7780.JPG" width="239" /></a>My birthday was coming up. For the last several years I haven't really been a fan of birthdays because it's a reminder that you're getting older. I actually can't even believe how old I am! It's crazy! Happily people who don't know me still guess me to be 10-20 years younger than I am, which is nice. It's strange how your perspective changes. When you're young, 30, 40 and especially 50 SOUND SO OLD! Then once you reach each milestone you feel like, OK I'm not so old, there are other celebrities my age and they don't seem old (then again they may have plastic surgery etc to keep looking young!) I kept waiting for the day when I'd feel like a "grown up" but I still feel like basically the same person inside. My responsibilities change, life changes but I'm still me, at any age. Michelle made me this adorable birthday card. I love her cards and pictures. At least she only put 4 candles on the cake! My Mom used to put one candle for each year but after a certain age there just isn't room on the cake for that many candles and you might start a fire!</div>
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I found us matching dresses! The EXACT SAME DRESS in a size 7 children's and a size M ladies. The store (Giant Tiger) even had them hanging together. PERFECT! It's like they read my mind. They had a few different patterns but this was the only one in both of our sizes and it was my favourite pattern anyway.<br />
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Michelle was excited to dress alike too. I even put a little shell necklace on her to match Mama's. I know the day will come (when she's a teen) when she'll likely just be embarrassed by me so I'm going to enjoy this stage as long as it lasts -- when she still thinks Mama is cool and wants to dress like her! She is a little mini-me in some ways but I'm glad that she's different from me in many ways too so she won't have to go through a lot of the struggles that I did. I'm grateful that she's confident, outgoing and socializes easily, the opposite of her insecure, shy and solitary Mama!<br />
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May took some photos of Michelle and me in the yard at her place. I love this one even though there is a bit of a blur on Michelle's face. I really should get a new camera! The scratches on the lens are so noticeable in some pictures. I think it's the worst in sunlight because the light refracts off of the scratched surface and makes white ghosts in the image. It's very hard to try to work around the scratched spots. I'm so resistant to change (also want to avoid the expense!) that I don't get a new camera. Considering what a photoholic I am, if anyone should have a decent camera it's me! Maybe one of these days. For now I'm making do with my old Nikon. It's just maddening when a picture is ruined with a white blob or blur across it. I'm just hoping when I finally get around to looking for a new camera that cameras still exist! I know that most people just use their cellphone camera. That wouldn't work for me even if I had a new phone. I take WAY too many photos. I could never store them on a phone.<br />
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The group shot. I originally thought Chris wasn't going to be there but he made it after all which was a nice surprise. Mike has so far to come that he usually doesn't make it for most family events and get-togethers. We usually see him just a few times a year.<br />
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The white blur is unfortunately across half the family here. I really do have to get a new camera! I have problems off and on with my old laptop as well. And I can only use my old phone for basics. I'm resistant to technology...does it show?! I also try to avoid the expense and make do. Actually my vacuum is broken too. It still works (sort of) but shakes and makes a lot of noise. Sigh. I need to win a lottery and replace everything!<br />
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Shannon drew this adorable portrait of Michelle and me. I love it! So cute! With our matching hair, blue eyes, dresses and necklaces.<br />
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Shannon makes amazing animation videos and I'm so proud of her. Art is something that Shannon, Michelle and me all share. I had forgotten how much I loved creating art. Now that I had time I was drawing and painting more and more. Art really does heal the soul.<br />
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Michelle and me ready to blow out the candles and eat cake! Yes I cropped the photos to hide my age candles (my Mom still insists on having numbered candles for our birthdays even though we're adults. I think the big numbers are fine for kids. 1-9. Maybe even 10-20 but then I think you need to let it go. Maybe for the milestones -- 30, 40 etc. But do you really need to get a 3 and a 9 candle when someone is 39? No. Please don't. Just stick a couple of normal non-numeric candles in the cake. Because no one wants to be REMINDED just how old they are! Not over 30. Especially not OVER 40!)<br />
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Michelle and me heard about an exhibit at the AGO that we really wanted to see: Yayoi Kusama's "Infinity Mirrors." They talked about it on YTV. It looked so cool. All these strange and magical rooms looked like "Selfie" Heaven! Unfortunately when I looked it up online the tickets were all sold out. Then I found out that they were releasing a small number of daily tickets but you had to line up for them. It seemed impossible. Weekends would be too busy and I wasn't taking Michelle out of school just to line up for the chance of seeing the show during the week. I really wanted to see it though and I thought it would be a nice birthday present to myself to go so we gave it a shot. I got up SUPER early and made the very long drive there. Driving in Toronto is a challenge. Finding parking when you're not used to it is more of a challenge. I managed to find an underground lot but it was quite far away.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rR5L6Eu72ZM/W1Fv58zqJZI/AAAAAAAAS18/rclOLyNttT4n0bEEGgSXmkFySihwYOhyQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7855%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1233" data-original-width="1600" height="244" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rR5L6Eu72ZM/W1Fv58zqJZI/AAAAAAAAS18/rclOLyNttT4n0bEEGgSXmkFySihwYOhyQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7855%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a>We made the long walk (run) to AGO only to find that there was a lineup all down the street. My heart started to sink. Would we even GET tickets? Then I saw someone walking with a clipboard. She was apologizing to people at the end of the line saying "There are 113 people in line for 102 tickets." I couldn't understand why they were still standing there. She was pretty much telling them to get lost. There is NO HOPE. GO HOME. Still they were waiting. In case there was a miscount? I wasn't going to wait for the impossible. I talked to the staff and told her our situation -- that we'd come from far out of town, traveled all this way, really wanted to see the show and this was the only day we could possibly see it. I asked her if there was anything she could do. She apologized. "I don't want to break my daughter's heart," I pleaded. "Sorry. We've broken a lot of hearts today," she said coldly. My only hope would be if someone was willing to give us a spot in line.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n-1zxqtuROk/W1Fv7npclyI/AAAAAAAAS2I/9t27D7T_9dMPYdkLYwQF8Pl32_8tqm0GgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7857.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n-1zxqtuROk/W1Fv7npclyI/AAAAAAAAS2I/9t27D7T_9dMPYdkLYwQF8Pl32_8tqm0GgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7857.JPG" width="320" /></a>I didn't want to give up. I remembered when we'd gone to the Safari show at the library and I'd been told there were no tickets but I wouldn't take no for an answer and we wound up getting in. I didn't want to give up yet. Michelle was pouting. I felt like I'd failed her. I was crushed. Swallowing my pride I approached a couple of people in the middle of the line and appealed to their sympathy. Michelle was the only child there. They were all adults and mostly younger (teens and twenties) people. No one had children. Because these people had been lined up since the wee hours and you wouldn't do that with kids. Sometimes teens/young adults will camp out overnight for concert tickets. My sister did that once to see the Rolling Stones. But I'm a single Mom. Single Moms don't camp out in line with their kids because that would be really bad parenting. So I guess AGO didn't want single Mom's at the show. They made it impossible for anyone with children or anyone out of town to go. The only people that could line up would be youth or adults without families who lived in town and could just sit there for hours. It seemed like a long shot but I decided to appeal to human kindness. How could someone say no to a 5 year old girl's pouty face? I asked one couple if they'd consider letting us in line. I told them about the long drive and how disappointed my daughter was. They looked at me like I was from outer space. Like I had three heads. Like I was a raving lunatic. (And maybe I was!) They just stared at me like deer in the headlights. They didn't even answer. They just had this look of horror/disgust in their faces like they couldn't even respond. Or maybe they didn't speak English? I approached another woman who looked nice and she was. She smiled at Michelle. "She's adorable," she said. She did sympathize and said she would like to let us in but she'd be afraid that the other people in line would be angry because of course they would. I thanked her anyway. Then someone close to the front of the line, clearly annoyed with me called out "Hey! Just so you know we've been here since <b>4 a.m</b>!" "Yeah. But you're not a single Mom with a 5 year old who made a 3 hour drive. Thanks." That shut him up.<br />
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Michelle and me started to walk away. Defeated, heads hanging. I was fighting back tears. "Well this SUCKS!" I said. I felt like I'd been sucker punched. I wished I hadn't even tried. Why did I even put myself through this? I wasn't in the best place to start with. Feeling broken, going through therapy, trying to feel better. The last thing I needed was to put myself through this stress and disappointment and feel like a big huge failure. My own disappointment was bad enough. Michelle's disappointment was UNBEARABLE to me. I had let her down. Mom fail. It was crushing.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YhePc2Kp8Cc/W1Fv4nZ2chI/AAAAAAAAS1o/Lvj_qB1RdDAza45DJWb8-wmnWuSgQqGGACLcBGAs/s1600/258109144.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YhePc2Kp8Cc/W1Fv4nZ2chI/AAAAAAAAS1o/Lvj_qB1RdDAza45DJWb8-wmnWuSgQqGGACLcBGAs/s320/258109144.jpg" width="320" /></a>Michelle was upset. "I really wanted to go," she muttered sadly. "I know, baby. Me too. There's nothing I can do. I tried..." She looked like she was going to cry. I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like a failure. We got up so early and came all this way and ran there for NOTHING. Part of me just wanted to go home and cry. But that would be stupid. "No damn it!" I thought. This was TORONTO. There are MILLIONS of things to do. AGO could suck it! I would give my daughter a fun and memorable day. I asked her what she'd like to do and gave her several options. She chose the CN Tower. That tall tower that she'd seen in the distance, one of the tallest buildings in the world (at 1820 feet/553 meters at one time it WAS the tallest but of course someone had to outdo it. The Burj Khalifa in Dubai is 2720 feet/830 meter.) Michelle thought that would be cool. So it was settled. We would go to the CN Tower. She wasn't afraid of heights. I told her there's even a glass floor you can step on. I hadn't been there in years so I was kind of excited to go too. So that's what we did. It was a lesson in resilience -- sometimes in life things don't work out like you want/expect. You can curl into a ball and cry or you can pick yourself up and make a plan: OK so that didn't work, what now?<br />
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Obviously (on top of the all the photos I took myself) I couldn't resist purchasing the souvenir CN Tower shots they do for you even though we look super cheesy raising our arms up like that!<br />
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I always want to get a souvenir self-timed shot so that I can get in it. I was struggling to find a spot to sit the camera when a kind staff member offered to take our photo. And it turned out great with no blurry spot on our faces! Michelle loved the CN tower. She loved every part of it. The elevator up, the view of the city out of the windows, the glass floor. I'm glad that she's not afraid of heights. Sometimes she seems fearless. I was glad that she cheered up and got over her disappointment about AGO. I did too. This was just as fun as an art exhibition. Maybe even more fun.<br />
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Then a staff member offered to take our photo on the glass floor. I got the idea to do yoga on the floor. He said no one had ever done that before so I thought it was cool to be the first person to do a lotus on a glass floor 1000 feet above the city. Some people are too nervous to even STAND on the floor. Even though the staff assure you how strong the glass is and that it can't break. It is still kind of creepy being able to see through the floor to the ground FAR FAR FAR BELOW! Ironically there are many things that cause me anxiety but this isn't one of them.<br />
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We even lay down on the floor. The germaphobe in me was kind of going "Eeek!" but it was too cool of an opportunity not to go for it. Considering how down in the dumps we had been an hour earlier it was nice to feel on top of the world (or at least on top of Toronto!) We took a really bad day, turned it around and made it a good day. That's something I wish I could always do. Of course I could learn a lot from Michelle. She makes it easy to find the magic, the joy and the beauty of life every day.<br />
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When I was younger (in my 20s) I went through a phase where I loved to do "flying leap" photos. I made my boyfriend at the time take pictures of my leaping. I even got one while we were in Europe. Now I thought of taking pictures of Michelle doing flying leaps. When the crowd thinned out and we had some space to ourselves I asked Michelle to run and leap while I snapped a few action shots.<br />
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I LOVE THESE PHOTOS! This is freedom. Bliss. To think she'd been sulking and I almost thought of just heading home and crying and now here she was smiling and laughing and literally jumping for joy. It was a good lesson for me to learn too. Don't give up. Things will go wrong. Things beyond your control. You do your best and then you just change your plans as necessary. It can still be OK. You can't always get what you want but you can still make the most of the day and enjoy yourself despite setbacks.<br />
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And how can you not hug a GIANT teddy bear?! I was happy to get a photo of Michelle and me with this giant stuffie even though there are some blurry spots which stand out all the more against the black bear and our black outfits. (I'd dressed us in black because I was trying to be artsy to go to the art gallery.)<br />
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We looked around the gift shop and picked up a couple of souvenirs. I was so glad we'd gone to the CN Tower. I was bitter about AGO. I couldn't understand why they wanted to limit tickets and keep people from seeing the show. Later online a very kind woman told me that she'd gone to the show and found it rather disappointing/overhyped anyway. On top of the long line outside there were long lines to see each individual piece. You'd wait 20 minutes to see the art for 20 seconds then wait another 20 minutes. Maybe she was exaggerating to make me feel better but it did help me to feel better! Michelle would have lost patience with that. The woman said not too many people brought kids. Kids would be bored to death. She said the CN Tower was 1000% a better choice. So maybe it was meant to be. Sometimes you're disappointed you lose out on something but you're far better off without it anyway.<br />
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It's frustrating when you're a control freak and there are things beyond your control. It's defeating. It makes you feel helpless. Of course the key is to focus on the things that you CAN control -- like your response to life events. Things will always go wrong. You have to be able to roll with it and know that it's OK. That was something I really struggled with. I want life to be perfect. I don't want things to go wrong. Yeah, that's not really an option! At work especially I was forced to confront things going wrong CONSTANTLY. The world is falling apart in many ways and I had a front row seat for it. Now I try to avoid anything stressful and just do things that are relaxing or make me happy. But you can't hide from problems. Things go wrong no matter what, no matter where you are. Life happens. When problems arise you just deal with them without letting it drag you down. You have to look for the positive. Bad things happen. You have to focus on the good. There is always good to be found if you look for it.<br />
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Later Michelle wanted to go for a bike ride. We talked about taking her training wheels off soon. I suggested maybe after her birthday when she's 6. She said maybe she could try it and then put the wheels back on if she didn't like it.<br />
"No," I told her, "there's no going back. Once I take the training wheels off I am NOT putting them back on. So then you'll just have to learn to ride a two-wheeler."<br />
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That made her a little nervous. I told her that once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Once you get it, you've got it for life but learning can be a struggle because it's about balance and strength and steering and several things at once. It becomes second nature but when you're first learning it is unnatural and it's tough and you could get hurt. It sounded stressful and I was not looking forward to it. Potty training was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. Teaching her to ride a bike might be another.<br />
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Dressed in maple leaves and twirling sparklers in the backyard for Victoria Day.<br />
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I thought about taking Michelle to see fireworks sometime. I didn't know if it would be a good idea because anywhere you go is so crowded and they never start them until late at night because the sky has to be dark. Keeping her out til after 10 pm sounded like a bad idea but maybe for Canada Day?<br />
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We heard fireworks while we were in bed. I always loved fireworks. Like most things in life however you wait hours for something that lasts a few minutes. It is sometimes worth the wait though. Fireworks are magical and beautiful. I was sure Michelle would love them too.<br />
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I love Michelle's artwork. She made this adorable cat at school out of paper plates. I keep almost all of her artwork. I keep piling it up and planning to organize it all one day (that hasn't happened yet.) At one point I did organize some of her artwork but since then I've accumulated hundreds and hundreds more drawings etc and still have to label and file them. I love when things are organized but it's so much work to do it and there always seems to be something more pressing.<br />
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I hate when people ask "What do you DO all day?" as if you have so much time. It's really only a few hours during the day. By the time you try to get some housework done and run a few errands the day is already over and it's time to pick her up from school again. Most people have a partner. When you're on your own and you have to do everything yourself -- mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, taking the car in for an oil change etc -- your to do list is much longer and never ending. I was also trying to make time for healing -- yoga, art, reading, writing -- all the things that helped me to relax and feel stronger.<br />
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Michelle loves her Uncle Chris. As soon as he's around she's there, hanging off of him. Sometimes he lifts her up, throws her in the air. I told her I don't have the arm strength to do those things (and even if I did they make me too nervous!) There are times that I do wish she had a daddy to lift her up and run after her and teach her to ride a bike (because I worry that I'm too much of a nervous wreck and I think a guy would be more laid back about it and give the freedom and space she needs to learn, even if it means letting her fall. I didn't know if I could do that.)<br />
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Kids love Chris. Michelle and Reggie adore him. He's so good with kids. He's so natural with them. So lively and animated. He's like a big Disney character. He would be a great dad. It's kind of sad that he's never having kids. I get it though. I hadn't planned to have kids myself. But Michelle is by far the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't know I could love another human this much.<br />
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It was May's birthday. She had hosted my birthday at her place so I thought the least I could do is return the favour, even though it is farther for everyone to come to see me.<br />
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It's nice to have company once in a while. It doesn't happen too often. I put up the pop up gazebo for the party. Luckily it was a nice day weather wise so we could hang out outside. I put up some tropical decorations.<br />
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Michelle and me in matching outfits again. I found these tops at Justice. When I can find a matching shirt in size 7 and size 14-16 children's, I'm ON IT! I love these off the shoulder tops. Michelle was excited to dress just like Mama again too.<br />
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I cherish these moments with my little girl. One day when she doesn't have time for me and thinks she's just too cool to even be around me I will still have these photos and be able to show her how much she loved her Mama. And how she even liked dressing like me. Or maybe she will always be my sweet girl, even when she's a teenager?<br />
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I can dream!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PHa0m39Idkw/W1FxUV9n7RI/AAAAAAAAS74/xJGeQvNKjp4jLQi3YU1KTz5pjwZ5qnLAQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1206" data-original-width="1600" height="241" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PHa0m39Idkw/W1FxUV9n7RI/AAAAAAAAS74/xJGeQvNKjp4jLQi3YU1KTz5pjwZ5qnLAQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8051.JPG" width="320" /></a>I'm so proud of May. She had some issues with her health and her doctor made her go on a strict diet. She stuck to it and has lost so much weight and improved her health.<br />
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May didn't want a cake because she can't eat it anyway so I did a fruit platter for her instead and stuck candles in a pineapple in lieu of a cake. I thought it was kind of pretty.<br />
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I wish there wasn't a blur over Michelle's face! I really do need a new camera! Man, I keep saying it!<br />
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I got Shannon to take a couple of silly snaps on her i-phone. I love this filter with the tropical flowers in our hair, butterflies and big doe eyes. It's amazing what they can do now -- filters that instantly add makeup and highlights to make you look better.<br />
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I read recently that more and more people are getting plastic surgery so they can take better selfies. But why even bother when you can just take pictures with a filter that makes you look more perfect?!<br />
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It's sad that people feel they aren't good enough. I know I'm not perfect but I would never want to get plastic surgery, even if I could afford it. I think you need to just be who you are. We are all unique. We're not all meant to look the same. We're not meant to meet some abstract ideal. Just be who you are. But filters are nice to play with!<br />
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Another trip to Port Dover Beach. The beach literally is my happy place. I can visualize being there or I can just actually go there. The real thing is a lot better than just my imagination. There is something about the sun and the sand and the sound of the waves that is so soothing on a molecular level. My whole body relaxes. I feel at peace for a few moments and I can forget everything that's wrong and everything that I need to figure out. I can just BE. Michelle loves it too. I was bummed the palm trees weren't there yet but you can't have everything!<br />
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Dancing for joy! I love these shots of Michelle. She doesn't even fight me being a photoholic. She knows it's a given. I can't just go places or do things I have to take photos of it. Photography is also a form of therapy for me because it is one thing that I can control. I can see something beautiful/cute/happy/soothing and I can capture it. I can hold on to that moment forever. There is power in that. And looking back at the pictures makes me happy. It's like living twice. It's partly why I continue to do this blog too, even though it's a lot of work and it's hard to find the time -- because it allows me to look back at all these beautiful moments and to feel better about my life. Despite the bad days and struggles, there are good times and I need to hold on to them, having a tangible record of them, having these photos, means the world to me.<br />
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Sometimes I'll say "Smile!" to Michelle and just elicit a half hearted smirk or an obviously forced grin but then once in a while I get a perfect happy smile. A genuine heartfelt smile.<br />
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Michelle has fun no matter where we are and she seems to make friends everywhere we go. I wish I was more like her in that way but I've got to be me. I am by nature mostly solitary. I am not a social person. I feel uncomfortable around strangers. There aren't many people that I'm close to. I don't have a lot of confidence and I would NEVER DREAM of just approaching someone and striking up a conversation like Michelle will do. She will literally go up to anyone and say "Hi! I'm Michelle! What's your name? Want to play?" 99.9% of the time, it WORKS. Oh to be a kid. But even as a kid I was NEVER like that.<br />
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I scream, you scream, we ALL scream for ice cream!<br />
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We just have to get ice cream at the beach. It's non-negotiable. Every time. I always ask Michelle, as if I don't already know the answer: "Do you want to get ice cream?"<br />
It's always an emphatic "YES!"<br />
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This time Michelle got cookie dough and I got strawberry. It's hard to take a selfie while you're eating ice cream but I like to capture the happy moments and this is one of them. Like ice cream, the moments don't last. They are sweet and brief and they melt away so you have to savour them. And if you're lucky and you pay attention then you can enjoy them forever. Photos are magic. They make the temporary permanent. They let you hold on. #Photoholic #ControlFreak #IGottaBeMe!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aCSiiK60EnE/W1Fyd_6UUqI/AAAAAAAAS-s/jYgweAlvhBIWIS1To_h8v-EpapTr2RXbACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8121.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1142" data-original-width="1600" height="228" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aCSiiK60EnE/W1Fyd_6UUqI/AAAAAAAAS-s/jYgweAlvhBIWIS1To_h8v-EpapTr2RXbACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8121.JPG" width="320" /></a>Before we knew it, it was JUNE. Time was flying by. That's the thing. It flies regardless. You think time just flies when you're having fun but I think back even to some of the toughest times in my life and time FLEW BY. It's hard while you're in it, while you're having a bad day an hour can seem like an eternity, or when you have insomnia it can feel like a million years until morning but then you look back and a month has passed, or a year. Or seven years. It's crazy.<br />
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So yeah, apparently it was June already.<br />
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Aside from going to the beach sometimes the best thing to do on a hot day was to play in the sprinkler for a while.<br />
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The lawn needed a drink. We hadn't had rain in a while. Michelle asked if she could play in the sprinkler. I couldn't say no. I even got in it myself for a bit. It was refreshing after working out in the heat, mowing the lawn, pulling weeds etc. Sometimes I really do wish I had help. I know that in a lot of couples the yard work is the man's job. I see other guys out mowing the lawn. Maybe I should've lived in a condo. But then you're too close to other people. I really don't want to hear strangers through the walls. I'd live out in the country without neighbours if I could. Of course then I'd have even MORE lawn to mow. I'd have to have a riding one I guess.<br />
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One day I was out pulling weeds and I could hear tweeting coming from the long grass in the backyard by the fence. I left some long grass to grow really long because I thought it looked like bamboo and I liked it. I looked and found the source of the tweeting: a nest of baby birds. It was SO CUTE! I could see a worried looking Mama bird on the fence waiting for me to leave so I made myself scarce. I watched her getting worms for her babies. It made me happy to think that I could host a family of birds in the yard. Naturally I had to get a photo!<br />
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And then there's Michelle running amok outside her school...<br />
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She was trying to fly a kite that she made at school. The kite wasn't really flying but she had fun trying anyway. It had been a rainy day in the morning but turned sunny by the afternoon.<br />
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Michelle has so much boundless energy that she can never seem to burn it all off. She's in perpetual motion. Running, jumping, dancing, twirling. I'm usually the opposite. I wish I had even one tenth of Michelle's energy. She's never still. I'm glad she's so active because I know these days a lot of kids are hooked on their devices and video games and what not and don't get any exercise. I'm a bit of a technophobe and in no hurry to get Michelle her own tablet or whatever. I think kids should be kids. Run around and play while you still can. You have the rest of your life to sit and look at a screen.<br />
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I went to check if the baby birds were still there in their nest in my backyard and they were. I took a couple of pictures and I couldn't believe this one: they LOOKED RIGHT AT ME! So cute! I saw their Mama later. I even got to watch them leaving the nest and flying around for the first time but I didn't get my camera in time.<br />
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Experiencing the beauty of nature is good for the soul. Seeing these adorable baby birds warmed my heart and gave me hope.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T037oTvwa-Q/W3EeIKAL6WI/AAAAAAAATA8/4ytYzox9IPoFhOH_vhXVHQNhpx6s3ZNzACLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN8164.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1031" data-original-width="1449" height="227" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T037oTvwa-Q/W3EeIKAL6WI/AAAAAAAATA8/4ytYzox9IPoFhOH_vhXVHQNhpx6s3ZNzACLcBGAs/s320/RSCN8164.JPG" width="320" /></a>Birds in the backyard and mice in the front!<br />
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I was pulling weeds in front of the house and caught a glimpse of this little guy. Some people are afraid of mice but I think they're adorable. Don't get me wrong, I don't want them IN the house but I'm fine with him living outside (under my front steps apparently.) He was so cute. He moved pretty fast but I did manage to get a picture of him before he scurried away.<br />
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Shannon's birthday was coming up and I asked what she wanted. One of the things was a specific black Micron marker/pen for drawing. I hadn't been to Michaels in years but I wound up going to look for Shannon's special markers. While there I found a beautiful book by Jane Davenport "Drawing and Painting Beautiful Faces." I LOVED her artwork. It inspired me to draw and paint portraits again. I'd been experimenting with watercolours and doing the zen lotus paintings (which my therapist inspired through her "I Am" project) but I hadn't tried doing watercolour faces. I used to do portraits in acrylic years ago but since having Michelle and working so much there was never time to drag out my paints, brushes and easel. The watercolours were easier. I used small letter sized papers so I didn't need an easel. Plus I could just draw it in watercolour pencil and then add water and more paint with the brushes later. It was organic and soothing and I absolutely loved it. It was therapeutic. Art is a form of therapy. It really did help to calm me down and forget about my stress for a while. I did several portraits. I was grateful to Shannon for giving me an excuse to go to the art supplies store and reawaken my passion for painting portraits!<br />
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Work had been so stressful for such a long time and it was more than just the job itself. The long hours and commute, the sleep deprivation, it all broke me down. I became so drained and depleted that there was almost nothing left of me. I was a shell. There wasn't any time for self care or to take a breath or to do any of the things I enjoy.<br />
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Looking back I can't believe what I went through and how long I lasted. I realize what a blessing it is to have this time to heal, to go through therapy and to get back to all the things that nourish my soul. Art has always been and will always be a part of my life. Art and writing help me to express myself. When I stop creating I start to lose myself. I was so grateful to be finding myself again through drawing and painting. Walking around Michaels, looking through Jane Davenport's book, painting again reminded me how important it is to look for the beauty in life. Beauty is good for the soul. Too much ugliness (darkness and chaos and despair -- everything I had to face in my career) destroys the soul.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kMGT7RvvPx0/W3EfXB6ZaCI/AAAAAAAATCM/TZyi-vR3segTfIznuXY2dvKnK78BLBNtgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8210.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1266" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kMGT7RvvPx0/W3EfXB6ZaCI/AAAAAAAATCM/TZyi-vR3segTfIznuXY2dvKnK78BLBNtgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8210.JPG" width="253" /></a>My little fairy Princess! I was always finding new headbands for Michelle. I couldn't resist them. Michelle is my little Princess and it's always fun dressing her up in cute accessories. I almost wish I could wear them! (Yeah I would probably look pretty silly! I just wish they'd had things like that when I was young. Not that my Mom would have gotten them for me anyway.) Girls have it made now. There are SO many ADORB accessories! Michelle has it all -- Princess tiaras in pink, silver and gold, unicorn horns, cat ears. This one had turquoise wisps of hair which I thought was really fun. Michelle looks like a little fairy in it. It's fun being a girl, especially a girly girl, so why not enjoy it?! That's how I feel anyway.<br />
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We got a few pictures in my Mom's backyard before heading over to May's for Shannon and Reggie's birthday party.<br />
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Michelle had so much fun playing with her cousins (and cousins in law) in the backyard. I love when the whole gang is there so she has a lot of kids to play with. I sometimes feel bad that she's on her own and I can never give her siblings. It's just her and I. At least when we go to family events she gets to see our whole big crazy family. Sometimes when my brother in law's family is there too it's both sides of the family and even more kids for Michelle to play with.<br />
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While we were hanging out in the yard someone spotted a raccoon climbing on the neighbour's roof.<br />
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AWWWWWWWWW!<br />
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Of course I ran with my camera for a better look. I couldn't believe my luck when he LOOKED RIGHT AT ME. I was trying to get his attention in the usual way (making a loud kissing noise which I usually do to attract an animal's attention but sometimes backfires and scares them away.)<br />
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The whole HUGE gang. Two families. Chris couldn't make it this time but Mike was there with the kids and Shane's sisters and Mom were there. So there were a LOT of us.<br />
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It's hard to fit everyone in but we did it. Unfortunately the blurry spots are blocking a few faces but most of us are in there at least!<br />
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I always get a second shot just to be sure. I had the camera set up on the railing of the deck. It's a bit of a distance to run in 10 seconds but I made it. TWICE!<br />
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It's impossible to get everyone looking and smiling perfectly. It's impossible even to keep them out of the white cloud/ghost of a scratched lens but you press the button count to 10 and hope for the best.<br />
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Another shot of Michelle and me in May's yard. We're not matching this time but both in shades of blue.<br />
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I like dressing us alike. We're a team. Mom and daughter squad. My Mom says Michelle is so much like me as a child. She's a mini-me. When we dress alike it's even more obvious how similar we are. My little ginger girl. I am so grateful for her. I don't know what I'd do without her. She is like me but not like me, so much better than me. Stronger than me. It's like she's the new and improved me. And she can do things I was never able to do. She won't let fear hold her back. And she will live a life filled with joy because she'll believe in herself and go after what she wants instead of sabotaging herself.<br />
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Another visit to Grandma's, another trip to Play Place! I dropped my Mom off at the mall and went with Michelle to let her run amok and slide down the slides at McDonalds. Usually she plays and then we eat. This time she wanted to eat first.<br />
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I remember as a kid my Mom never let us have McDonalds. I always felt so jealous of other kids who got to go. I try not to have it TOO often with Michelle but we do go at least a few times a month.<br />
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You know you're in Oakville when... At the mall there was an orange Lamborghini in the parking lot. It was too cool not to get a picture. No one was around so Michelle and me posed with it. This is as close as I get to a Lamborghini. I've only ever seen a few in my entire life. I explained to Michelle how rare they are and how expensive they are, so it is a treat to see one every now and then.<br />
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I had a coupon for an aquarium store and I thought we'd check it out for something fun (and FREE!) to do. I would love to have an aquarium. I find watching fish so soothing but I didn't think it would be practical because for one Ali my cat would be trying to eat the fish and for two they're much too expensive/difficult to care for etc. At least that's how I talked myself out of it.<br />
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I was partly right. Some of the tanks and fish are extremely expensive. The store owner tried to tell me that they're not that hard to care for however. Filters do most of the work keeping it clean. Also, there are cheaper options (just getting a little bowl with Beta fish) but it still didn't seem like a good idea. So we settled for a fish puppet and a shell souvenir of our visit. It was a perfect outing on our way to Michelle's piano lesson.<br />
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From looking at fish to playing piano to running in the yard, just a day in the life of my little Princess! I envy her boundless energy and enthusiasm (which I basically never have!)<br />
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It amazes me how Michelle almost never gets tired. She could run all day long and not wear herself out. I have a hard time keeping up with her. Most of the time I don't even try. I just watch her in awe from the sidelines. And snap as many action shots as I can. A lot of them were blurry but I managed to capture a few moments. I love this one of her smiling and running in her little seashell dress and Princess tiara.<br />
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The only downside to my little ball of energy is that it is hard to get her to settle down at night. It's like she doesn't want to sleep because she doesn't want to miss anything.<br />
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On a walk with Grampa! While I was working Michelle practically lived at Gramma and Grampa's a lot of the time. Now that I was off I made sure we still went for visits now and then. She always loved seeing her grandparents. I took Gramma shopping and Michelle hung out with Grampa. They went for a walk to the park. We passed them on the way and I got this photo.<br />
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My Mom has been going through a few health issues and said that she didn't know how she would have been able to watch Michelle all the time if I'd still been working full time. She did say it was good for them to spend time with Michelle and helped to keep them strong and active but sometimes it was too much for them. I don't like leaving Michelle with anyone. No one will ever love her as much as I do. My parents are the next best thing. Of course over time I have been able to let go somewhat. I have to leave her at school. I've left her at friend's houses for birthday parties and play dates. Baby steps. It's tough for me.<br />
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Michelle was growing so fast. Sometimes at night she said her legs hurt. Growing pains. Literally. Like you can FEEL your muscles and bones growing, being stretched. It was happening too fast. She had outgrown her old bike helmet. I couldn't believe her head was that much bigger! I found her a pink kitty princess helmet complete with a tiara so it was literally perfect! Then I found her pink elbow and knee pads for learning to ride on two wheels.<br />
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Michelle was ready. She wanted to learn to ride her bike, without training wheels. I was nervous because I was the one who would have to teach her. I knew it would be hard. I had no idea how hard it would be.<br />
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I couldn't remember learning to ride a bike. I know that I did. I just don't know how or when it happened. I think my Dad taught me but I don't actually remember. It's pretty fuzzy but it seems to me that I learned in one day and that dad just let go and I went ahead. But I'm probably just misremembering it. I'm probably blocking out the times I fell and scraped my knees and cried and got discouraged.<br />
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So we went out one day to start bike riding lessons. After a bit of a struggle with the wrench (thank goodness I had one!) I had the training wheels off her little bike. There was no going back now. Michelle's bike looked so small for her. It was good in a way because she could almost put her feet flat on the ground beside her. I still worried that she was going to fall and get hurt.<br />
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I am a control freak. I am admittedly a helicopter/bubble wrap parent and if I had my way I would protect Michelle from EVER being hurt. Unfortunately that would also prevent her from living her life. Teaching her to ride a bike would be one of the hardest (if not THE hardest) thing I'd ever done. It was hard on her and even harder on me. It was, in a word, a NIGHTMARE!<br />
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Nervously I ran alongside Michelle, holding on to the bike, coaching her ("Steer straight, look straight ahead, just keep pedaling as if the training wheels are there.") and letting go to let her try. It was so hard. I kept wanting to grab her to stop her from falling. I couldn't win. If I held on too long she was frustrated that I wasn't giving her room to learn. If I let go for longer she fell and got hurt and blamed me for not grabbing her in time. I reminded her that she could step down on the ground if she lost her balance. She didn't like the little bike. She found it uncomfortable and thought a bigger bike would be better. We went to Toys R Us to look at bikes. Maybe they would have one on sale. Or maybe we'd just look and I could let her ride one around the store rather than on the pavement outside. Not that it wouldn't still hurt to fall on the hard floor but at least it was a change of scenery.<br />
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There were pros and cons to a new, bigger bike. She might feel more comfortable sitting on it (and not look so silly). She'd be able to grow into it and it would last her a while (hopefully) but a taller bike wouldn't allow her to step down as easily. She would only be able to reach the ground on her tippy toes. It might be harder to learn on a bigger bike. She tried a couple of bikes in the store, just for fun. Fun for her anyway, not so much for me. At least the store wasn't crowded so she could ride around the Babies R Us section of the store past the cribs as I ran alongside her, exhausted, stressed out, my back and butt aching. Yes, don't ask me why but my left butt cheek was in AGONY! I was butt hurt literally. I could understand why my back hurt from holding on and twisting to hold the bike. I could understand my legs hurting from all the running. But why on EARTH did my butt hurt from running alongside and holding on to her bike? It's funny the muscles you could be working without even knowing it. It's official: Teaching your kid to ride a bike was LITERALLY A PAIN IN THE BUTT!<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W4knBjfPMNs/W3EhhQ8cAbI/AAAAAAAATGA/Pnc4CVJsy0Aejp3IuZErdXqA--TiTSRYwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8482.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W4knBjfPMNs/W3EhhQ8cAbI/AAAAAAAATGA/Pnc4CVJsy0Aejp3IuZErdXqA--TiTSRYwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8482.JPG" width="320" /></a>We got her a new bike. It was on sale. It was a Monster High bike and looked the right size for her, even though she could only touch the ground on her tiptoes.<br />
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The only problem was I wasn't sure how I was going to fit it in the car. One of the store staff came out with me to try to put it in the trunk. It didn't fit. Close but no cigar. She suggested I could take the tire off. "Oh HELL no!" I protested. I had a hard enough time getting training wheels off. I sure as heck didn't need the stress or work of taking off a tire and putting it back on. After a few minutes of futile struggling the woman suggested "If only you had a bungee cord or something to secure it."<br />
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And then, a miracle happened. All of a sudden a cute young guy from the parking lot came over to us with a bungee cord. "Here you go," he said, and not only gave us a cord but fastened the bike into my trunk for me.<br />
"You are a PRINCE!" I told him, "Thank you SO MUCH!" And I hugged him. I was tempted to ask "What are you doing for the rest of the day?" (or the rest of my LIFE!) but thought better of it because for one he was much too young for me and for another, I can't/don't date anyone and as if someone that nice and that cute would be single anyway.<br />
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The lady from the store joked about chivalry not being dead and wondering if that guy was single and I was like "RIGHT?!" It was so random. Sometimes you ask for something and the universe just says "HERE YOU GO! Hey girl, hang in there!" I managed to get home with the bike. We struggled with bike riding lessons for a while. Michelle got her balance for a few seconds and lost it. After a fall and a few tears we called it a day. We tried a couple more times and then gave it a rest. I wasn't going to push. I was in no hurry. I had planned to teach her AFTER she turned 6 anyway. She hadn't even had her birthday yet. The weather was so hot too -- like 40 degrees Celsius every day. It was too hot to be running up and down the street beside a bike. Plus my butt needed a break!<br />
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It's all rainbows up in here...<br />
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Being with Michelle is like living in a world of unicorns, rainbows, hearts and magic. And that is not a bad thing. Of course the real world can be a very dark and troubling place. I try not to watch the news but I hear things. It's disturbing when you feel like the world is falling apart. It makes you feel helpless. I'd rather focus on the happy things. The beautiful things.<br />
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Michelle's world is beautiful. I love her artwork. Her innocence. Her optimism. I need that.<br />
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That awkward moment when Cinderella had man hands!<br />
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I love this adorable portrait on carboard of a blonde in a blue gown with enormous hands. For a long time Michelle didn't draw hands. They've never been my favourite either. Michelle used to just draw little stick hands. A three pronged fork at the end of the arm. Like snowman twig arms. Now she was at a stage where she drew arms, hands and fingers, but as you can see they weren't exactly proportionate.<br />
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I love kids artwork. I could look at it all day. It's just so funny and sweet to see their imperfect, whimsical version of the world. It's even better when they include funny little misspelled captions as well.<br />
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You can't rain on Michelle's parade. Her irrepressible spirit is not dampened by the weather. Sunny or rainy days are wonderful to her. In the rain she loves to splash in puddles. I let her (even though I don't want to because I'm not a fan of her getting messy) because I know it makes her happy and I'm willing to be a little uncomfortable if it makes her happy. Unfortunately for her on this particular day there weren't any really big puddles. Sometimes I've let her jump in them and get soaked (and boots filled with mud.) I figure she can always get changed afterward. You only live once. I don't remember ever jumping in puddles as a kid. Or even wanting to. I think my Mom would have said no even if I'd asked. She wouldn't have wanted the extra laundry. Any time I mention things I didn't get to do as a child she reminds me that she had four kids and that everything was harder. When you have one child you can spoil them a little more. Michelle is my first, last and only. I can't resist spoiling her any way I can.<br />
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Mom-daughter squad! I can't even tell you how excited I was to find these shirts in our sizes. I decided it would be perfect to wear matching outfits for the annual Teddy Bear Picnic at Michelle's school.<br />
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I asked Michelle what she wanted for lunch. Her answer was the same as last year -- grilled cheese sandwiches and brownies. So that's what I brought. And of course I brought along a handful of stuffed bears to join us.<br />
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I looked around at some of the other families. People must have taken time off work to be there. There were mothers and fathers and siblings. Then there was Michelle and me and our bears. Michelle didn't have a daddy or a brother or sister to join us but we had more bears than anyone. Maybe that's why I buy so many toys for her. To make up for the things I can't give her: namely a bigger family.<br />
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A few people commented on our<br />
#MomDaughterSquad shirts. One mom said how much she loved them and how much she wished she had a daughter. She only had sons. I am so glad I had a girl. Of course I would have loved a son too but there are so many girly girl things I can share with Michelle and it would have been different with a boy. Pink bears and purple bunnies probably wouldn't have been the first choice. I am happy to share days like this with my girl.<br />
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And that night the Mom Daughter squad went to see a movie. The new Incredibles II in 3D. It was AMAZING. I loved the first one (14 years ago! Can't believe it's been that long!) and was worried the sequel wouldn't live up to it. I was very pleasantly surprised. It surpassed my expectations.<br />
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The Incredibles II was hilarious, heart-warming and absolutely action-packed. I was impressed also that they let the Mom be the hero. She's the one going out and saving the world while Dad stayed home with the kids (and learned how difficult THAT actually is!) It was very empowering for women to show just how hard we work, in the home and outside of it. While some men take an active role in raising the kids, the lion's share of it falls on Mom's shoulders. And it's tough. For single Moms, it's all you with no help at all. I was glad that they were acknowledging and showcasing the power of women. It's a far cry from the old Disney movies where the hero was male and rescued the damsel in distress. Now it's the women who do the rescuing. I loved the movie. Michelle loved it too. She was happy with a wonderful day spent with Mama. "I love you Mama! You're the BEST MAMA IN THE WORLD!"<br />
"And you're the best girl!" I told her.<br />
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Another day, another matching outfit, this time matching off the shoulder tops from Justice.<br />
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I can't help it. I get a kick out of dressing us alike. I'm not sure at what age Michelle will put her foot down and say "Heck no" but for now I'm enjoying it. Of course there will come a point, in her teens or later when we may almost wear the same size. Maybe she'll be raiding my closet. Or maybe her taste will be completely different. At this point she seems to love everything that I do. We are girly girls.<br />
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It was Father's Day. It's a tough day for Michelle and was a sore point for her in school leading up to the day. She came home upset that they were making Father's Day gifts. She made something for Grampa instead. I told her we'll call it Grampa Day for her sake. Of course I still have a dad. I can't believe the blur on the lens was right over my dad for this shot! I didn't know until later (it's hard to tell outdoors in bright light looking at the small screen). I just press the button for the self-timer and hope for the best. I've GOT to get a new camera one of these days! I've said that like 10 times now!<br />
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Michelle gave Grampa his certificate for the World's Greatest Grandpa.<br />
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Father's Day is a strange day when you're a single Mom. I'll never forget one year someone from work surprised me with a Father's Day card because as a single Mom you are both mother and father. You play all the roles. It's all you. It was very thoughtful and made me cry. A small act of kindness is welcome when you struggle so much. No one really understands how hard it is to be a single Mom unless she is one herself.<br />
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It rained a little but it was actually preferable to have an overcast, slightly damp day than one of the unbearable 40 degree Celsius days we had been having. When you're doing a lot of walking that kind of heat and humidity would have been unbearable. The teacher pointed out that thanks to the rain we got to see more of the animals. On a hot day they would have been hiding out in the shade and we wouldn't have seen them as much. You have to look at the bright side on a rainy day!<br />
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Oh deer! Michelle loved the deer. She would have stayed there feeding them all day long if I'd let her. At least I managed to get a selfie of Michelle and me with some of them. The other girls loved the deer too. They also loved playing in the playground, petting the goats etc.<br />
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It was a fun day with a lot of cute photo ops and I was so glad I got to be there. Day trips like this helped me to forget my own personal stress and problems. It's easier to focus on the good stuff when it's right in front of you. This was a form of therapy too. Finding my happy place(s). Nature, animals, cute photo ops, capturing it all on my camera = HAPPY PLACE!<br />
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A group shot of the kids and me. I finally managed to get one. I found a table to put the camera on, set the timer and ran. Michelle is doing a crazy leopard paw pose but you can't really tell. The scratch/blur on the lens is starting to drive me crazy. It's just luck of the draw when you take a photo. You just hope the blur isn't over someone's face but sometimes it is in the worst possible spot.Like Michelle's face in a group shot, or my dad's face on Father's Day. I hope they even still MAKE cameras. Most people just use their phone. Of course I am not most people.<br />
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Just trying to get your goat! Getting a selfie of Michelle, me and one of the goats was not easy but I kind of like this one. The goat is kind of looking anyway even if Michelle isn't. You can't have everything!<br />
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Being around cute or beautiful things and taking photos of them is my medicine. Honestly it is the best drug. It is my happy pill. The world can be an utter mess but if there is still something cute or beautiful in this world then by God that's what I'm going to focus on!<br />
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Talk to the palm!<br />
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The palm trees were back! I actually called the Beach House ahead to see if the palm trees were there yet and they said yes they'd just arrived. So we made a trip to the beach. Again, this is my medicine. To lie on the sand under a palm tree and listen to the waves and watch Michelle play is better than any drug. It is my happy place, my cure, my zen. Michelle loves it too. I needed this. What a luxury to be able to go to a beach with palm trees and not have to get on a plane to do it (because that was NOT an option.)<br />
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Michelle in the water with her lion floatie, all smiles. Though the weather had been unseasonably warm (actually unbearably hot more days than I can ever remember it being, even before Summer officially started), the water was still pretty cold. Michelle didn't seem to mind. I swear kids don't feel the cold the same way. It takes me a LONG time to get right in to the water. The cold hurts my knees. Then it takes a long time to psych myself up to get in up to my waist. The cold really hurts my crotch! Then the hardest is getting up to my chest. The cold really hurts my chest. "Come on Mama!" Michelle would goad me, not understanding what took me so long. Sometimes I would just dive right in but the cold hit so hard. I hate when people say "You get used to it." Of course you do to some degree but that doesn't really help. Michelle wanted to stay in the water. I preferred to relax on the sand. So we did a little of both.<br />
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My crazy girl doing the splits at Play Place. Just because she can. She always has fun wherever we go. She always makes friends. I've never been able to do the splits. Or been very good at making friends. So Michelle is winning in ways I never dreamed of. As much as she's like me in some ways I am glad that she is the opposite of me in many ways. She's stronger than me, happier than me. As a parent I'm supposed to be the role model but it feels more like I could learn a thing or two from her. Like how to get out of my head once in a while, just chill and have fun without worrying so much.<br />
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Michelle and me at Auntie May's wearing matching shirts and eating a REALLY big burger. OK no. We loved Shane's BBQ burgers but they were never quite THIS big. This was just a fun floatie they got.<br />
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We always had a ball at Auntie May's. Michelle loved playing with her cousin Reggie and I loved talking and laughing with May. We also enjoyed watching Shannon's new animation videos on the big screen.<br />
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Michelle had only been taking piano lessons for a couple of months but her teacher asked if she'd like to be in the Spring Concert. Though she was a little nervous whether she'd be ready, Michelle said yes. She was going to do "Ode to Joy." Michelle's teacher created an arrangement that was simple but beautiful. She would be playing with both hands. Seeing my little girl play Beethoven, even a small part of it, choked me up. It really was an ode to joy.<br />
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Michelle loves dressing up anyway and I wanted her to wear something special for her first recital. I was so proud of her. I wished my family could have been there to see her but it was tricky on a weeknight in the Summer. Living such a distance from everyone else in the family can be a challenge.<br />
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Just before her debut, Michelle was getting nervous and I was nervous for her.<br />
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I managed to get a bit of a video of her playing but I was kicking myself that I didn't have the camera ready because it was over so quickly. I missed the beginning. The video is only a few seconds long. I'm glad that I got it though. I was so proud of her. Some of the kids messed up. There were kids older than her that had probably been taking lessons much longer and many of them made mistakes. She played her piece perfectly.<br />
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Here's the video of her piano recital on Youtube: Michelle playing "Ode to Joy." --</div>
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When I was a kid I loved catching frogs. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. As much as she's a Princess in some ways she can also be a tomboy and is not afraid to play in the dirt. I got her this bug catcher/science kit on sale and it came in handy when we found some baby toads. Michelle wanted to keep them. I told her they could stay at the "Michelle Hotel" for a day or two but then we had to let them go back outside because it wasn't fair to keep them captive. She said that when she's older she wants to help save and protect animals. I told her that she could do anything she wanted to do and that it's nice to love nature and want to protect the animals.<br />
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We caught some worms and other bugs to feed our little toad friends. It seemed like they were eating some of them because some of the bugs disappeared and there were little poops around the container. We kept our toads for a couple of days and let them go.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Rb_EPzHjqjA/W3EoJlVu9QI/AAAAAAAATQM/dQ1dWRX8z4cxEpm-D63DzY2Tb-FiZhmvQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9228.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1270" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Rb_EPzHjqjA/W3EoJlVu9QI/AAAAAAAATQM/dQ1dWRX8z4cxEpm-D63DzY2Tb-FiZhmvQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9228.JPG" width="254" /></a>School was ending. It was crazy. Could it really be the end of June ALREADY?! The time had flown by.<br />
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The school had an assembly and parents were allowed to come so I hung out with Michelle for a bit. She was happy to have her Mama there. It was pretty crowded so I had to have her on my lap at one point to make room for others. My legs started to go numb.<br />
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They made a slideshow video of the older kids -- showing photos of them as babies then pictures of them now, in grade 6. It brought tears to my eyes and it wasn't even my kid! It does make me sentimental to think how quickly the time goes, how fast our kids grow up. They're babies, then they're in grade school, then high school, university, out in the world. I can't even think that far ahead though. I have a hard enough time dealing with a year or a few months going by. For now I'm just holding on to the moments, and holding on to my girl, as long as I can.<br />
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It became a ritual. I would mow the lawn, Michelle would save the toads. We'd keep them with us for a bit and let them go again.<br />
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I tried to photograph them in their little temporary home. Most of the shots were blurry but I managed to get this one where he's actually looking. They're so cute! I was worried Ali might attack them but she couldn't have cared less about them. She was more interested in getting outside. I did let her outside in the yard with us sometimes.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0oTmEpesRi4/W5lIGYH9KlI/AAAAAAAATT8/uRAaqQJvHIks7M3hjuzDP4lG6GBAw7mTwCLcBGAs/s1600/Collage%2B2018-06-12%2B10_22_20Michelle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="917" data-original-width="1600" height="183" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0oTmEpesRi4/W5lIGYH9KlI/AAAAAAAATT8/uRAaqQJvHIks7M3hjuzDP4lG6GBAw7mTwCLcBGAs/s320/Collage%2B2018-06-12%2B10_22_20Michelle.jpg" width="320" /></a>Michelle's teacher made this collage of pictures of Michelle throughout the year. It made me cry. I love getting these glimpses into Michelle's day. A lot of times I'd ask her about what she did at school and it was like pulling teeth to get an answer. "I don't know..." she'd answer. I'd have to ask follow up questions: "Did you learn anything? Draw anything? Read anything? Sing any songs?" Seeing these snapshots of her school days was awesome. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-urtZ_m4_NDA/W5lIPCQ9-kI/AAAAAAAATUA/M_oKvdlguiAqpAzPhIbLxrYiXDDFeSBIwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B%252866%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="647" data-original-width="658" height="314" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-urtZ_m4_NDA/W5lIPCQ9-kI/AAAAAAAATUA/M_oKvdlguiAqpAzPhIbLxrYiXDDFeSBIwCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B%252866%2529.png" width="320" /></a>This shot of Michelle was my favourite. I LOVE her expression here. The half grin, looking off to the side and holding up her story about a flying car: "I made a flying car and you just say where you want to go and it takes you there." Of course one day we may actually have that. They already have the technology for self-driving cars with GPS and everything. They are talking about flying cars. Uber has already bought the rights to it or something. The world keeps changing. I remember hearing that our kids will likely end up in jobs that DON'T EVEN EXIST YET. Because they will be in a different world. It's mind-boggling. I am not modern. I am always somewhat resistant to new technology. But the world will keep changing whether I like it or not.</div>
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Michelle didn't want to let the toads go. She'd get attached to them even after a short time. I told her that sometimes love means letting go because it's better for them and you want them to be happy. She was glad that some of the toads didn't just hop away right away. Some of them stayed in her hand for a minute. I was even able to get a picture of one in her hand. It's so tiny you almost can't see him.<br />
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And then we watched them hop away, happily into the grass.<br />
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"We may see them again," I told Michelle, "They live in our backyard. They are our little neighbours. You can visit them again."<br />
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I discovered the Starving Artist Cafe one day. A place where local artists could show their work and even play music at an open stage once a week. I asked if I could bring a child and the girl said yes. So we decided to go. It had been a long time since I'd played my music on stage. Sharing my music has always been therapeutic for me. I asked if I could show my paintings there and showed them some of my work. The girl said yes they had an opening in July. I was ecstatic. Getting to show my art and share my music was a dream come true. I loved that it was called the "starving artist" cafe. I always used to joke that I couldn't be a starving artist because I wanted to eat. I loved to create art and music but I still needed a regular job to pay the bills and earn a living. I am in awe of the artists who struggle to make ends meet through their art alone. For me it's always just been a hobby. For a while it wasn't even that because there wasn't time. Now I was starting to see how much art and music were helping me. In the past when I was still making art and music that helped to keep me sane, even when things were stressful at work. Creativity is such an important outlet for me. I really do need that. It felt good to discover it again.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ycWrrMn-r8U/W5k7loFHFII/AAAAAAAATTw/gI22ZX8teocrlLzCk751VfnG4BEkwqZUQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9318%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1513" data-original-width="1186" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ycWrrMn-r8U/W5k7loFHFII/AAAAAAAATTw/gI22ZX8teocrlLzCk751VfnG4BEkwqZUQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9318%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="250" /></a>My doctor was retiring. The news hit me hard. She was like a member of the family. She had been there for decades and had seen me through so many things. She delivered Michelle. Now she was going to be gone. She was passing her practice on to another younger doctor who she assured me was very nice but it was still going to be a stranger. The thought of starting from scratch with someone new was overwhelming. I still had ongoing issues with mental health/being on stress leave. How would I explain everything to someone new? I didn't have a choice. I would just have to. As I kept being reminded, change was a constant, whether I liked it or not. Michelle really loved our doctor and she was going to miss her too. I took Michelle to see her one last time. It was good to hear that Michelle was healthy and that I'd done a great job with her anyway. It was always nice to hear, especially from a doctor. I may have messed up when it comes to my own health but I had taken good care of Michelle anyway.</div>
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My Mom can't understand why I do this blog and others have commented that I'm crazy to put so much of my life out there. It probably isn't wise, to wear my heart on my sleeve, to share my diary with complete strangers, but in a crazy way it helps to keep me sane. This is one of the good things in my life, no matter what else I'm going through, there are these happy moments and I need to celebrate them. It took a long time for me to finish this post and I did consider not posting it for a while and just stopping this blog period. If you're reading this it means I decided to publish it. It was supposed to be done in August but now we're 3/4 of the way through September...<br />
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One really hot day after mowing the lawn I asked Michelle if she wanted to run through the sprinkler to cool down. I set the timer to get a photo. I even managed to catch myself mid flying leap as you can see above. Mind you this was after a couple of rather clumsy failed attempts which I won't share here! That's the thing about selfies -- no one will see the really bad ones.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VXm9ctFDh8c/W3EpfLpgN7I/AAAAAAAATSM/ylOysaS_xhAQBeV4bvcIVkl_b8OkwxfOACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9320.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1268" data-original-width="1600" height="253" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VXm9ctFDh8c/W3EpfLpgN7I/AAAAAAAATSM/ylOysaS_xhAQBeV4bvcIVkl_b8OkwxfOACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9320.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle caught some toads again. We weren't even sure if they were different ones or maybe the same ones we met before. We caught some worms, grasshoppers and flies for them while they stayed in our little plastic bed and breakfast.<br />
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School was over. June was over. Summer had just officially begun. I would have two months to spend with my girl, or not... I didn't know what to expect. My situation still seemed pretty precarious. I didn't have answers -- what, where, when, how? It's scary for a control freak who likes to have all their ducks in a row to not know what's going to happen or what to do. To be in this state of limbo, trying to figure things out. I decided that all I could do was take it one day at a time. Keep focusing on the good, trying to avoid stress, doing things that made me happy, going to therapy. I had good days and bad. Writing was cathartic on the bad days. Photography was a celebration on the happy days. These are the happy days. I am grateful for them. I'm happy to have this outlet to share them. Thank you for reading and sharing my journey with me. Summer would be an adventure too... I'll save that for the next blog if there is one. I think there will be but it's hard to say because I'm just taking it one day at a time. I don't know what tomorrow holds. What I'm starting to realize is that NO ONE DOES. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. Even if they think they're settled in their career, relationship, home, health, sanity, situation. It can all change. In a day, in an instant. All you have is this moment. So be in it. I'm trying to remember this...Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-43666495590139978022018-06-30T23:52:00.001-04:002019-02-01T09:57:20.560-05:00Hope Springs Eternal <br />
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I couldn't wait for Spring to come. Somehow I always equate the coming of Spring with new hope and new life. This year however, Old Man Winter was lingering, WAY out-staying his welcome. At least Michelle didn't mind. When there was snow and it was packing snow, we were out making snowmen (or snow ladies) again. It's a trip through Hell for me but she seems to enjoy it! I made the larger snow woman and Michelle worked on the smaller snow girl. The weather was up and down so they melted soon but Michelle loved them.<br />
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In the backyard I made a snow kitty and Michelle decided to make a snow chair. It was pretty inventive on her part. After all her hard work she got to sit down on it. She thought she was the first person to ever make furniture out of snow but I told her I'm pretty sure they have built entire hotels and castles out of ice and snow and they probably had some furniture inside as well.<br />
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It's kind of surreal to be writing this now (in June). This is a post about March and April but I'm just beginning it now. March came in like a lion. I'm not sure if it went out like a lamb. We actually still had the occasional snow and ice storm even into April! Oddly it went from one extreme to the other and in May we seemed to jump straight from Winter to Summer, with temperatures in the 30s Celsius! After all that snow I wasn't about to complain about it being too hot. Still it's nice to have SPRING weather, a happy medium between too cold and too hot.<br />
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Michelle was bummed that her snow friends had melted but I reminded her that at least we had photos of them and we took one last shot of her with them before they turned into a puddle. Michelle insisted on saving a little bit of snow in the freezer so we gathered some up and put it in a baggie. It's still in there now as I type this, months later. Michelle is amazed that the snow could last that long. I told her as long as it stays cold. So we have a little piece of Winter in our freezer as a memento. Not that I wanted to remember Winter at all! I certainly didn't. Especially not this one.<br />
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I asked Michelle where she wanted to go and she chose Legoland. I was game. We hadn't been there since last year and it was fun. I'm a big kid at heart too so I enjoy looking at the Lego displays and riding on the rides.<br />
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Of course I always make Michelle pose for photo ops. It was pretty crowded so it was tough to get photos without strangers in them but somehow I managed. This was in the little workshop section as you first go in. Michelle was getting frustrated because kids weren't giving her a turn on the computer puzzles/games. I told her we had to get moving along anyway. We didn't want to lose our place in (an extraordinarily long and winding) line.<br />
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The line up for the first ride -- the laser quest kingdom thing -- was ridiculous. We'd been standing there a while already when one of the staff made an announcement. They were working on the ride and it was going to take a while before it would be up and running again. Some people left. I asked the guy had this happened before and how long did it take that time. He said 10 minutes. So we decided to keep our place in line. Luckily it was fixed in 5 minutes.<br />
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Michelle doesn't have a lot of patience (I don't either for that matter.) After a long drive "Are we there yet?!" the last thing she wants is more waiting. I reminded her that everywhere you want to go, other people want to go as well and there is really no way of getting around the whole line up thing. Canada's Wonderland is the worst for that so I think we'll have to wait until she's older to even attempt it. You wait hours to get on a ride that lasts 2 minutes. It's kind of a metaphor for life.<br />
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I tried to get pictures of us on the ride but they were all blurry and or incredibly awkward. This was as good as it got. Actually I don't think the ride was even moving yet. It's still quite awkward.<br />
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Michelle sometimes loses patience with my photoholic tendencies but she knows there is no way around it. I am obsessed with capturing every single moment. I've been this way for decades. I don't know how to stop now! In my defense there is a whole generation of people (the Instagram generation) who document the minutiae of their lives in photos now. I was doing it LONG before it was cool! Ironically as much as I love pictures I'm not even on Instagram because you post photos through your phone and my now obsolete i-phone 4 can't anymore. I still post pictures regularly on Twitter.<br />
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I love the Lego Toronto cityscape! It's so cool! If I was rich I would want to have Lego versions of all of my favourite cities. The buildings look so real! It's a perfect miniature version of the real thing! You can tell by Michelle's face that she's not overly enthused about the self-timed photos. She was anxious to play and get to the rides.<br />
"Come ON Mama! No more pictures!"<br />
"Just one more?|"<br />
"Sigh."<br />
And of course we HAD to pose with the giant Lego Canada flag. Non-negotiable.<br />
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This was like an insane hamster wheel. A constantly spinning cylinder. The control freak in me was kind of losing it that Michelle was going to get hurt in a massive pile up of rolling children but I tried to hang back and just let her be. She thought it was hilarious. Some of the kids looked a little distressed.<br />
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I actually HATE this part of Legoland because the kids enter this playground and disappear for hours. You can't see them inside and I'm always anxiously eyeing the exits to see if Michelle is leaving. For a control freak with anxiety issues it's kind of a recipe for disaster. I sat there with a knot in my stomach trying to relax in a huge crowd of strangers, some of whom were (if I'm being frank) sort of sketchy looking. Did they even HAVE children? Were they just waiting to kidnap one? I wish I wasn't made this way. But I AM.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MWwilIAbuQk/WuCnNkNOamI/AAAAAAAARrk/nT37WSRL1Ts2bALo8fsSLkpOEXt8ddLCwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5472.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1177" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MWwilIAbuQk/WuCnNkNOamI/AAAAAAAARrk/nT37WSRL1Ts2bALo8fsSLkpOEXt8ddLCwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5472.JPG" width="235" /></a>A lady sitting next to me was much more chill. She boredly asked her hubby to get her a bag of Doritos. I thought how nice it would be to have a hubby who would get you a bag of Doritos whenever you asked. The woman and I started chatting and it turned out it was actually her ex-partner but they were still civil for their daughter's sake. Ironically, her daughter and mine had become friends in the mysterious playground of death and emerged together. They wanted to continue hanging out. It was awesome because her Mom was really cool and having no social life to speak of it's rare that I get to talk to a woman my own age. The girls both wanted to go on the flying ride so we headed there together. They wanted to sit together but children have to be with an adult. The line up seemed to take forever but at least we had our new friends to pass the time. I got a picture of Michelle and her new little friend. I don't remember her name now because I'm writing this months later and I'm HORRIBLE with names.<br />
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On the ride. I can't remember its name either. It's like a magic wizard bicycle thing (I'm fairly certain it was called something cooler than Magic Wizard Bicycle Thing!) You can pedal and the harder you pedal the higher your bike goes. Michelle and I were the highest ones of all. It's quite a workout. My legs were aching afterward!<br />
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We were starving so we decided to get a bite to eat. Our friends came with us. Of course I couldn't resist a photo with Yoda first.<br />
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Nor could I resist a photo with a magical wizard. I asked Michelle to do a nice smile and this is what she came up with. Her friend was even less cooperative. It's still cute though. It was kind of nice spending the day with another single Mom and her daughter (though it was sort of bizarre having the dad/ex tagging along. I didn't feel like the third wheel (or fifth wheel I guess?) because the Mom (I can't remember her name either. I'm terrible. I should have written it down. And got her number too for that matter. She was so cool!) was talking to me all the time. It was more like the guy was the odd one out. Everyone kind of ignored him. Poor guy. He would go and get things when asked though. I don't think the lady realized how lucky she was to have someone that she took for granted to cater to her every whim. Sigh. I had that once or twice but I took them for granted. You don't know what you've got til it's gone.<br />
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We had lunch together. Tiny overpriced pizzas. They do the trick when you're starving though. The girls were being silly and laughing their heads off. Of course I insisted on getting a photo even WHILE we were having lunch because I'm just a total nerd. The girls were so cute together. I wished they'd lived closer to us but they were quite far away. Just my luck. As if I could make a friend that I could actually see again and spend time with. I don't have that kind of luck. It was nice having a friend for one day though. I gave her the Coles notes of my strange life/work situation etc.<br />
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And then we went to see the 4D movie. It was pretty cool. So aside from being in 3D the seats moved a bit, there was air blown at certain times, a mist sprayed. It really added to the illusion that you were moving, going through water etc. It was pretty neat. We really enjoyed it. Of course the line up had been really long to get in there too and to make matters worse they had a timer counting down how many more minutes you had to wait and a group of VERY LOUD boys were counting along to the timer. It was even more aggravating that it sounds. After the first two minutes I had a migraine.<br />
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I was determined to get a selfie on the King's Quest (or whatever it was called) ride that didn't look completely ridiculous. I was pretty happy with this shot. Michelle is even smiling. They take your photo during the ride too and you can purchase it at the end. It was very unflattering. We looked stunned and stupid. Even the second time around, even though I KNEW where the camera was and pretty much when the shot was coming I still wasn't prepared and looked more like a deer in the headlight. Plus the photo includes your score and frankly our shooting score wasn't that good. I was shooting more things with my camera than with my gun, which frankly is how it should be. #GunControlNow (just had to get that out of my system!) After a long exhausting day I was ready to leave. Even Michelle was running out of steam. We said goodbye to our friends (whom we would never see again, sadly. I should have gotten her email or something. I'm such a loser.)<br />
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One last shot with the Legoland Niagara Falls. Michelle's face says it all.<br />
"Let's just GO already."<br />
But you can't leave Legoland without looking in the gift shop. I was going to get a bag of pink Lego (you can sort through pieces and fill your own bag) because let's face it you can never have enough pink pieces. Unfortunately when the cashier weighed it and told me the price it was like a million dollars so I said sorry no I can't do that. She looked mildly annoyed but I could see some other bags of random Lego behind the cash that poor schleps like me couldn't afford.<br />
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I did spring for the cheesy green screen shot of us. They take your photo as you first go in and then at the end you can choose your background. Michelle chose this Lego Friends one. I wish they hadn't made us give a thumbs up because we just look goofy but it is still cute and Michelle is sort of almost smiling. Ish. In addition to the printed photo they give you a code for a digital version to download which is a must for me since I am impelled to post souvenirs of my life on Twitter.<br />
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After Legoland we headed to the Build a Bear workshop across from it in the mall. Because apparently Mama hadn't already spent enough at Legoland and now she needed a bear or stuffed cat as well. I have a hard time saying no to Michelle. Especially when the things she wants are adorable and I love them myself. She's a tad spoiled. I just remember when I was a kid and every time I wanted anything the answer was always "NO!" I like to give Michelle as many "Yeses" as I can. The word yeses looks so weird that I'm questioning if yeses is even a word but spellcheck is allowing it...<br />
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It was worth getting Michelle a bear if only for her drawing of it. #ADORBS! I totally love this. So so cute. When she first gets a new toy she carries it around and it's her best friend and she wants to take it everywhere. My Mom said that's what she was like with toys and with men. She says it's a Scorpio thing to be all or nothing, to totally love someone or completely lose interest. The last two men I dated were Scorpios and her story checks out for the male versions as well. It's nice feeling so special, wanted, needed and loved for a while, even if you do just get cast aside like yesterday's news after. Actually no it's not nice at all. It's easier to just not even get involved with anyone. Since having Michelle I haven't had that need for a relationship anyway which is good because I really sucked at it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bVqCktFy-Zk/WuCn4etSdCI/AAAAAAAARts/0jcdfLIpcBM_eKQPGHi1alUZIaTL44mWQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5527.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1383" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bVqCktFy-Zk/WuCn4etSdCI/AAAAAAAARts/0jcdfLIpcBM_eKQPGHi1alUZIaTL44mWQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5527.JPG" width="276" /></a>And then just when you thought her drawings couldn't possibly get any cuter she does her rainbow kitty and it's so cute your cheeks hurt! I absolutely adore Michelle's artwork! The world she creates is so adorable and colourful and whimsical and charming. Michelle can be hard on herself sometimes and think that her pictures aren't good enough. I remind her that she's only 5 years old after all! I love her artwork. Being artistic runs in the family. I always loved to draw (though I hadn't done much in a long time) and so does Shannon.<br />
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Michelle has an agenda for school and every week we record what books she reads that week and choose one to do a book report on -- to sum it up with words and pictures. Sometimes I have to twist Michelle's arm to do it but it always turns out so cute. I want her to get in the habit of doing homework even though it's just Kindergarten because it will keep getting harder as she gets older and I want her to be disciplined and want to excel. I was always a straight A student and pushed myself. My Mom didn't even have to push me. I'm not sure if Michelle will be the same way.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Qoipq-Ad8mk/WuCof4Kf7mI/AAAAAAAARuk/HJRfha9yDPkP2u2waN2LsjnHcyxdW7jNgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5541.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1235" data-original-width="1600" height="246" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Qoipq-Ad8mk/WuCof4Kf7mI/AAAAAAAARuk/HJRfha9yDPkP2u2waN2LsjnHcyxdW7jNgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5541.JPG" width="320" /></a>This is so cute! I love how her printing is so random and some letters are bigger than others. Her creative spellings are usually pretty close. Frankly she spells quite well for a 5 year old. She spells better than the leader of the Free World for that matter! #ImpeachTrump by the way. I try not to follow American politics as much because it's just another stressor and what can I really do about it? The idiot is good for a laugh sometimes though. There's an account on Twitter called Trump Draws and it pokes fun at his stupid executive orders, showing him holding up a folder with a child's drawing and misspelled words. Trump is so beyond absurd you don't even have to parody him. His ACTUAL tweets are so ridiculous they're a joke as is.<br />
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Toys R Us in the U.S. closed down. Another victim of the retail apocalypse. I hope the ones in Canada survive. I'd be really sad without Toys R Us. I'm a big kid myself and I love looking at toys as much as Michelle. At least they're trying to bring people into the stores. They usually have events on the weekends -- crafts and give-aways for kids -- to get people into the store. And of course once we're there we wind up shopping around. It's marketing genius really. Michelle had fun colouring a mask. I can't remember what the other craft/activity was.<br />
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It was March break and we got a special "passport" from her school filled with places that were offering free activities and events for kids. You could go for free and stamp your passport. I can't argue with free so I went through the book with Michelle and she chose what she wanted to go to.<br />
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There was going to be a "Safari Adventure" at the library. That sounded cool. So we show up at the library and see that it's packed. Apparently there are more than 100 people and only 100 tickets. They failed to mention any of that in the passport/booklet. I asked one of the staff and she said sorry we were too late. Michelle was pouting. I had failed her. I wasn't giving up.<br />
"But it didn't say anything about a limit in the passport. Please. I promised her. She's been looking forward to it for weeks."<br />
"Sorry. These people got here an hour ago and the tickets were gone in minutes."<br />
Note to self: there are a LOT of poor and cheap people. If there is a free event, people will come out in droves. Some latecomers like us were turning around and going home defeated. I was a warrior. I could not let my girl down. I asked to speak to the manager. We stood around and waited, possibly for nothing but I couldn't give up. After two managers finally I got a sympathetic looking soul and I gave her my best pouty lip: "Please. I promised my daughter. I don't want to let her down. Is there anything you can do?" And out of her pocket she produced two tickets. "Here you go." I was so happy I hugged her. Michelle was thrilled. Mama was a hero.<br />
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After all the waiting we got to see the show. It wasn't quite what I would call a "safari" -- the only jungle animal there was Michelle in her leopard print ears. They had a couple of exotic birds and small animals but I was a bit disappointed if I'm being honest. Still, I was proud of my tenacity. I didn't give up. I didn't let Michelle down. At least in this instance. I try to be the best Mom I can be. There is a lot beyond my control but I do the best I can. And I got Michelle to smile.<br />
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A few times they asked for volunteers to come up and see the animals. I was annoyed that they never picked Michelle even though she had her hand up EVERY time and she even had leopard print ears for crying out loud, how do you not pick a cute kid with so much spirit? Dear God, I thought. I'm becoming one of "those" Moms. I really hope she never gets into sports because I don't want to have to cheer on the sidelines and get angry when I feel that she's not being treated fairly. Or get into arguments with other parents. I've seen that sort of thing on TV and it looks like a nightmare.<br />
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At least at the end the kids could line up and pet a skink. She didn't get picked to meet any of the cute animals but at least she could wait her turn to pet the blue tongued skink, which basically looks like a snake that grew tiny little stubby legs like an awkward lizard. I just remembered that there were a couple of REALLY annoying twin boys in the audience that were pushing and making noise and eating (you weren't supposed to) and even spit on another boy. At one point they stepped on Michelle and I wanted to kill them. Well maybe not kill. Maybe just tell their Mom (who was oblivious and sitting far away from them) that she sucked and her progeny were vile. I was sitting on the floor WITH Michelle like a loving parent would. She was in a comfortable chair at the back pretending she didn't know the evil twins committing felonies in the front row. Sigh. I may be one of "those" Moms but at least I'm not one of the "other" Moms. If the choice is overprotective helicopter parent or nowhere to be found/negligent, I'll be in the helicopter! I suppose somewhere in the middle would be perfect.<br />
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While I have virtually no social life to speak of, Michelle has quite an active one! She was invited to several birthday parties. One of them was at a movie theatre. I'd never seen a movie theatre birthday party yet and I was curious how it would be. Luckily I was invited to tag along. It was actually pretty fun. We were going to see Peter Rabbit, which Michelle and I had already seen but we loved it so much we were happy to watch it again. Michelle had a ball with her friends.<br />
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We were in the party room before the movie started and her friend's Mom passed the time by having the kids perform silly songs and play games like "Simon says." With all the fancy gadgets and things they have now, kids still enjoy the old school low tech games. I'm all about OLD SCHOOL! I am not fancy or modern by any stretch. I don't even have gadgets myself never mind Michelle having them. To me, kids need to use their imagination. If you stick an electronic device in their hands to play with then they never get to develop their own imagination and create their own games. It's bad enough when adults look like mindless zombies texting on their phones and what not. You don't want to do that to kids. I let Michelle play Angry Birds the odd time (the app on my phone still works apparently) but aside from that she doesn't have any video games or devices or gadgets.<br />
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"Smile!"<br />
I guess I should have been more specific. Smile like you're not a robot or a deer caught in the headlights or a space alien. It's still cute though. She insisted on bringing her bunny to the movies because he was the stuffie that her fickle heart loved most that week. Plus it was a movie about a bunny so I had to allow it. It just made sense. I warned her not to put him down on the seat because Oprah did a study once and they found more fecal matter on movie theatre seats than they did on the public toilet seats. Toilets get cleaned regularly. The seats, not so much. As a germophobe I actually don't know how I survive going to the movies. I mostly try not to think about the seats. Or to touch them with anything other than my backside.<br />
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The candid shots of Michelle are the best -- where she's not posing for the camera, not forcing a smile but just being herself, laughing her head off, having fun. I love this one of her friend and her laughing. It's so sweet the way he's looking at her. She's my little Princess, complete with tiara (she has one in just about every colour. I put a hairband on her every day so why not make it fancy? She loves them too.) People ask where I find all those tiaras. Some at Ardene, others at Claire's or Toys R Us (the girl's makeup and accessories section they have in some stores.)<br />
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So many big laughs. I LOVE this photo! Wide open smile and laughter. I love capturing natural shots that aren't posed. I could snap photos of Michelle all day long. She's my favourite subject! Of all the photos I've taken over the years, these mean the most to me. My little girl is growing up so fast. I have to hold on. I have to capture every moment before it's gone. She won't be my little girl forever. Well she will actually no matter how old she gets but she will keep growing and will be a young woman before I know it. And I'm just not ready to let go. I don't know if I ever will be.<br />
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Posing with Peter Rabbit again. Even though we'd already done it the first time. People always look at me a little strangely outside the theatre when I'm setting up my old school camera on a cement planter, counting down from 10 and running to pose in front of a movie poster like a total nerve. I see other people take selfies all the time but it's ALWAYS just a close up with their cellphone. I rarely see anyone with a camera other than a cellphone one. The only exception is at the Butterfly Conservatory where some look like professional photographers and they have a crazy huge fancy old school camera. Even if I could still take photos with my cellphone I would still prefer to use my camera. You can't get SD cards for the cell (not that I know of) and I would run out of room so there would be no point. I take a LOT of pictures. I go through a LOT of SD cards.<br />
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One of the places in the passport free events was the Indoor Playground. Of course being free it was more crowded than ever. It was impossible to set up the timer and not get photo-bombed. This chick with her baby blundered right in front of us as the camera clicks but you could still see us behind the carrier so I just cropped her out. People always seem to give me a look of disgust when they walk into my photo even though I'm the one who should be disgusted with them. Sometimes I forget that I'm the weird one and that no one gets me. I'm surprised they don't say "Hey loser why don't you just take a selfie with your cell (a cell-fie?) like everyone else!" And then I would answer that my obsolete cell can't take photos anymore so I'm limited to my Nikon. And selfies with it are WAY too close up and awkward and I like to have the camera at a distance away. I look better from afar. The farther away you are, the better I look. Unfortunately I can only run so far in 10 seconds.<br />
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Michelle on the slide. I managed to capture the moment before a boy ran right in front of her. It was the most crowded and noisiest the indoor playground had ever been. Once again I was reminded that a lot of broke people like myself could not resist going somewhere when it's free. Plus it's March Break and you're trying to find ways for your kids to run off that excess energy rather than bouncing off the walls at home. Part of the goal too with the activities was to keep your child ACTIVE instead of just sitting in front of the TV or playing video games all week, for them to get out and actually do things. It was nice of all these organizations to sponsor the events and offer services for free. We had something scheduled every day of the week. I was grateful that I got to spend this time with Michelle. Working 16 hour shifts and barely getting to see her at all had taken a toll. Having time with my girl was just what the doctor ordered.<br />
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Still, I was worried. Everything was up in the air with my job. When I first began therapy it was a matter of "when" I returned to my job. Now it was becoming "if." The therapist suggested that I don't return to that career because it was bad for my health. Removing me from the situation reduced my anxiety. Returning to it was very likely to push me over the edge again. It was scary for me though. I'd been in this career for 17 years. I didn't know anything else. What would I do? Though I was partially relieved at the idea of not returning to a job that was frankly killing me mentally and physically, I was also scared to let it go. Change, even a change for the better is scary to me. My therapist assured me that I had a team working on my behalf and that they would find something better suited for me. As a sensitive person I don't know how on Earth I lasted so long in a job that requires you to be bullet proof. I still didn't want to walk away. I thought maybe changing my hours/working part time instead of leaving it entirely might be a solution. I didn't know what to think. Everyone told me that the first priority was going through therapy and feeling like myself again. Then we would move on the the next stage. As a control freak it's hard for me to not have the answers. I'm someone that wants things resolved right away so I can stop worrying. I like to have my ducks in a row. But the most important thing was feeling well again. I'd gone so long running on less than empty and with no form of self care. Now I was told (by my therapist and my doctor) to avoid stressing myself out and to find things to relax me as much as possible. Spending time with Michelle, doing yoga, writing, going for massages, even taking an occasional bubble bath were helping me to find my zen.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ybMawfx9lk4/WuCp2C-unQI/AAAAAAAARzI/uwmIwh1g-egGzwg9zcgG4JqJ2aesdFwpACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5683.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ybMawfx9lk4/WuCp2C-unQI/AAAAAAAARzI/uwmIwh1g-egGzwg9zcgG4JqJ2aesdFwpACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5683.JPG" width="240" /></a>One of the free passport activities was a free piano lesson. Michelle was so excited. As a child I wanted piano and ballet lessons and my parents couldn't afford it. I always felt deprived when other kids got to have lessons. I didn't want to deprive Michelle. When I was working full time though it would have been impossible to put her in lessons. I thought the free lesson would be a good way for her to try it out and see if she liked it. Then if she really loved it I would find a way. I didn't want her to go without. She did so well in her first lesson and learned so much just in that one hour that I decided to start her in lessons every week. She liked the teacher so we kept the same teacher. I told Michelle how lucky she was to have piano lessons because I never got to. I didn't know what would happen when I went back to work especially with my odd hours/schedule but we would work around it whatever happened. Making Michelle happy was my top priority.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8M-Fttvrh94/WuCp2zQG3DI/AAAAAAAARzQ/NTvMT2viEQQPrjmKcPp3jSnAQ7dHNhWjwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5684.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1093" data-original-width="1600" height="218" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8M-Fttvrh94/WuCp2zQG3DI/AAAAAAAARzQ/NTvMT2viEQQPrjmKcPp3jSnAQ7dHNhWjwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5684.JPG" width="320" /></a>I was really impressed with the first free lesson. They gave her a music book with stickers and coloring. It was perfect to engage children in their first lesson. Michelle got through the whole book. Her teacher said of the several kids she'd had only a couple got through the entire book and Michelle was the youngest who had. She was proud. She seemed to have a natural aptitude for it. Of course music is in her blood too. I may not be able to play piano or read music but I can play guitar (albeit not very well!) and have written a thousand songs.<br />
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March break meant Michelle was going to be with me 24-7 so I had to take her EVERYWHERE with me. Usually I try to run errands, buy groceries, have appointments while she is in school. Now I wouldn't have that option so she'd have to accompany me, even to my weekly psychologist appointment. I didn't feel as free to express myself in front of Michelle. I try to be strong for her. I don't want her to see me breaking down or talking about upsetting things. I cry through most of my sessions but with Michelle there I was able to hold back for the most part. Michelle was good as gold and drew a picture and played Angry Birds on my phone for the hour. She was my perfect little Princess. I had been worried she'd be bored and making noise or pestering me but she was quiet as a mouse. I was so proud of her. Mama may be a mess but my little girl has it all together.<br />
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She drew and coloured this adorable picture of us. I'm glad I brought paper, pen and crayons for her to use. Between her drawing and playing games on my phone (OK yes I admit sometimes the gadgets come in handy to entertain the kids but I don't think they should be on it ALL the time! Nor should adults for that matter! There's a real world out there if you just look up from your little screens now and then! Don't be a zombie!) she was entertained and good as gold.<br />
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The library was having another free event. Knowing how it worked and how crowded it would get. This time I was going to show up early and guarantee we wouldn't have to fight for tickets.<br />
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A "Mad Hatter Tea Party!" What could be more cute?! Especially when your girl is a die hard Alice in Wonderland fan (we've seen the movie a hundred times) and even has an Alice outfit (it was on sale after Halloween and I couldn't resist. It even has a little Cheshire cat on it!) I was kicking myself that I didn't have white stockings for Michelle. She used to but she apparently outgrew them by a mile. When we put them on the crotch only came up to her knees! I guess it had been a while since she'd needed white stockings for anything. We would have to settle for a black pair. It was too cold out still to have bare legs. It was supposed to be Spring-ish but Winter was lingering. In March you never really know. From one day to the next it could go either way. You might find someone in a winter coat and someone else in shorts on the same day because Canadians don't know what the heck to do. I'm usually the one in the winter coat and boots until the day it's warm enough to break out the sandals. I was really looking forward to that day.<br />
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We got our tickets! Yay! I watched in mild amusement as frustrated parents were told the tickets were gone. I'd been there too. Live and learn. Aside from the tea party they had activities, games and crafts for the kids.<br />
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Tea party was a bit of a misnomer. They weren't about to give hot caffeine laden beverages to a group of children. So the kids had juice and cookies while Alice in Wonderland played on a big screen and then they could play games and pretend they were in Wonderland. Michelle found a copy of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland and she was actually reading it -- I thought the long pages full of words (with minimal pictures) would be too challenging for her but she could actually read it and wanted to take it home. I was so proud of her! I'm glad she loves books and reading.<br />
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They had a photo op set up to pose with so of course I was right in there with my self-timer.<br />
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Thankfully people had the sense not to walk right in front of the camera as I counted down from 10. I guess it helps when you're in front of an obvious photo backdrop.<br />
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I was a trend setter and after breaking the ice by getting a shot of Michelle and I next thing I knew everyone was getting photos of their kids. Of course Michelle was the only actual Alice aside from one of the library staff. I still think Michelle wore it better though...<br />
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The library asked if I minded if they got some photos with Michelle in it. I said not at all. After all I take thousands of photos of her and post them on the internet. My Mom always says she's worried Michelle's dad will see photos of her or try to find us or something. I'm not that concerned anymore. It's been 6 years. I think if we were going to hear a peep from him we'd have heard from him by now. I think he's just moved on with his life and doesn't give us a second thought. Or he knows better than to even try. Or he's dead or in jail or something. Who knows? I'll never know and that's fine. I don't need to know. There was a time I needed closure but not so much anymore. It just doesn't matter. We're OK without him. Well I'm not completely OK but I'm working on it. And it was my job that pushed me over the edge, not him. And Michelle is happy and thriving. That's what really matters.<br />
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Down the rabbit hole. It was cute that they had a tunnel for kids to climb through so they could pretend they were going down the rabbit hole like Alice. Of course they didn't get to actually fall or float in mid air but you can't have everything. Then there was an egg race where you carry an egg on a spoon. You could pick the straight and narrow path which was easy or the crooked path which was hard. Michelle chose the crooked path. "Why would you make it harder than it needs to be?" I asked her.<br />
"It's more fun that way," Michelle explained. Sigh. I'm one to talk anyway. I chose a pretty wonky path in my life but even though it had its rough moments I wouldn't change it. To change one part, even if I could might unravel the whole thing. For whatever reasons everything had to happen the way it did and I wouldn't undo it or I may not have my girl and she is my everything.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Gq8wvGJdi6M/WuCzJjhrK1I/AAAAAAAAR1Y/aCx_4QuqSOobSi5XjWhiRj5KQx5I1M42wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5716.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1194" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Gq8wvGJdi6M/WuCzJjhrK1I/AAAAAAAAR1Y/aCx_4QuqSOobSi5XjWhiRj5KQx5I1M42wCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN5716.JPG" width="148" /></a>And then of course there's pin the smile on the Cheshire Cat! Once again you can't go wrong with the old school games. Pin the Tail on the Donkey in any incarnation, never goes out of style. Michelle was excited to try it and she did pretty well. The Cheshire Cat is one of our favourite characters in Wonderland.<br />
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"We're all mad here!"<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dN2x35Rayfk/WuCzKMYv4oI/AAAAAAAAR1g/5tmYYJJ9vyM7M58CWHZ1RDJyYlsXU72RwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5721.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1176" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dN2x35Rayfk/WuCzKMYv4oI/AAAAAAAAR1g/5tmYYJJ9vyM7M58CWHZ1RDJyYlsXU72RwCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN5721.JPG" width="146" /></a>I asked Michelle to give a big grin for a photo and she did.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P1QNBtkRgJE/WuCzLKThOvI/AAAAAAAAR1w/AtZNk8kbmIg0DCb4Q1sSNGRmyTGmlFSogCLcBGAs/s1600/Mad%2BHatter%2Btea%2Bparty%2Blibrary%2Bphoto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="924" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P1QNBtkRgJE/WuCzLKThOvI/AAAAAAAAR1w/AtZNk8kbmIg0DCb4Q1sSNGRmyTGmlFSogCLcBGAs/s320/Mad%2BHatter%2Btea%2Bparty%2Blibrary%2Bphoto.jpg" width="246" /></a>Michelle, library staff and some other girls at the Mad Hatter Tea Party. I was a little disappointed they didn't have anyone dressed in a Mad Hatter or March Hare costume but you can't have everything. There were a few kids dressed up. There was a young boy in a suit that was adorable.<br />
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I was glad that I'd picked up that Alice costume on sale after Halloween. It was just perfect for the event! I carry theme dressing to the extreme!<br />
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There were still events to get to, some of them continued even after March break. Our passport was filling up. You were supposed to hand them in after the two weeks were up for a chance to win a bike but I wanted to keep the passport as a souvenir of everything that we did. Michelle thanked me for taking her on all these adventures. It was fun for me too. And I need fun. I need to focus on happy things.<br />
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The next event at the Library was the Rainbow Magic Fairies Science Adventure. I wasn't entirely sure what that was going to be but I dressed Michelle in a rainbow skirt. I figured we'd go check it out and then go to the Butterfly Conservatory after.<br />
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Once again there was a big crowd at the library but we were there early to guarantee we got tickets. Michelle played with the computer programs and activities in the children's area.<br />
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They had a 3D printer where you could pick an item and the machine would actually MAKE IT! Right before your eyes! So cool. So Michelle chose to make a blue butterfly. We sat and watched as strands of plastic formed to create a butterfly. I'm always amazed at the modern gadgets they have now! (I am NOT modern.)<br />
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Michelle had fun playing with the computer games. She was laughing at a kitty game where you could dress the cat up in various accessories. At least it passed the time while we were waiting for the Science Adventure to begin. And of course I couldn't resist snapping pictures of Michelle with her kitty game.<br />
"Look Mama!"<br />
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The Rainbow Fairies Science Adventure got a little messy at times. At one of the stations the kids had to squeeze paint on top of milk with some detergent in it. Then they lay a piece of paper on top and the paint stuck to it to create an abstract rainbow painting. Michelle had fun.<br />
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It was a little crowded and chaotic. We didn't have much luck with some of the stations. There was one with a variety of circuits and you had to hook them up to make a light go on but I couldn't even make sense of the directions much less Michelle trying to do it so we just gave up on that one. I am NOT good with technology. AT ALL. Michelle had fun with the paint though.<br />
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At another station you mixed colours to create new colours. Michelle made a range of hues from purple to peach to vermilion.<br />
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Michelle knew about primary colours -- red, blue and yellow, as well as secondary colours -- orange, purple and green and what combinations you use to make them. We're both artists and we love colour.<br />
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There was a baby playing with paint nearby and I was afraid we were both going to end up wearing it but luckily we survived unscathed. The baby did NOT fare so well. Probably not the best idea to have an infant play with paint. Especially when there is no access to running water nearby. Sometimes I wish I was a laid back Mom who didn't worry about getting paint everywhere. I am not. I did let Michelle finger paint before though. We should do that again sometime.<br />
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Kids could also draw their own rainbow and then look at it through a bottle. I got a picture of Michelle with her rainbow. She's known the order of the rainbow colours ever since she heard a song on "The Cat in The Hat" show on TV: "Red, orange, yellow, green followed by blue, indigo and violet, rainbow colours for you!"<br />
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The rainbow is a perfect symbol for Michelle because she manages to find the beauty and joy even on a grey, rainy day.<br />
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After the science adventure we headed to the butterfly conservatory.<br />
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The Butterfly Conservatory is one of my favourite places. I could go there every day if I had my way! It is my happy place. It's like entering another world. A perfect, beautiful paradise. If only the rest of the world were like that!<br />
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We weren't there long when Michelle made a friend. This butterfly just LOVED Michelle's colourful rainbow skirt! Michelle was like a walking flower or rainbow fairy and butterflies flocked to her. I'm always thrilled to have a photo op so I was all over it!<br />
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I love Michelle's expression here! She is like a real little magical rainbow butterfly fairy!<br />
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It was quite crowded being March break and all but I still wanted to get a few selfies. Here Michelle has a butterfly on her shoulder. You can barely see it (I guess that's the point of their camouflage).<br />
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Yes you'll notice Michelle and I are BOTH wearing butterfly tops because of course we are. I can not resist the chance to dress on theme. No matter what the event I probably have something to go with it. I'm OCD about theme dressing (among other things.) Someone usually comments "Oh, you're wearing butterflies!" as if it's by accident. I assure them that no, I planned it that way. We have bird shirts if we ever go to Bird Kingdom again but I haven't been back to Niagara Falls since the Sponge Bob accidental border crossing incident... (Don't ask. It's a long story. I wrote about it once.)<br />
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This is so cool! A butterfly landed on her ponytail and it looks just like a bow in her hair. So cool! Perfect. I couldn't ask for better than that.<br />
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This butterfly liked Michelle a lot and stayed with her a long time. She was calling it her friend and naming it.<br />
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Some of the butterflies are very friendly and comfortable with people. I guess those are the "social butterflies" -- see what I did there! Then there are others that are more skittish, elusive, anti-social (like the beautiful Blue Morpho.) There are unique personalities, introverts and extroverts, even among butterfly species...<br />
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Then a little orange butterfly landed on my shoulder. I think a stranger must have taken our picture here (I can't remember because it was months ago now!) because it doesn't look like a selfie. Thank you kind stranger whoever you were for helping me to capture a photo op!<br />
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Some people can be so nice!<br />
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I really prefer not to do selfies because they are way too close up and awkward with my camera and you can't even SEE what you're taking (unlike with cellphone cameras.) They rarely turn out very well. That's one time I really wish I had a better cellphone. They are the best for cell-fies.<br />
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The only thing better than a butterfly landing on you is (are?) TWO butterflies on you! A butterfly on each hand. Other kids looked at Michelle jealously wondering how she got so many butterflies to perch on her. It helps when you're a Rainbow Butterfly Fairy Princess!<br />
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"Mama look!"<br />
"I know! OK stay still and SMILE!"<br />
She wasn't looking but her surprised and gleeful expression is still cute.<br />
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Her old friend the black and red butterfly again. This one was so friendly. Michelle named her "Lenore" which I thought was very cool and Edgar Allan Poe-esque. I wasn't sure how Michelle even heard that name unless she'd heard the poem "The Raven," which was doubtful but possible. I love that poem. My favourite line is "And his eyes had all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming and the lamplight o'er him streaming threw his shadow on the floor and my life from out that shadow that lies frozen on the floor shall be lifted NEVERMORE!" Seriously who else is named Lenore?<br />
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I couldn't resist getting a few macros of butterflies. I was a macro queen back in the day. Now I mostly take photos of Michelle but once in a while just taking a close-up nature photo is awesome. This beauty was cooperative and posed nicely for her picture.<br />
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And then after letting me take her picture she also sat on my hand for a photo. I say she because somehow butterflies are all female to me...<br />
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I managed to get a selfie with Michelle and me and the butterfly all in it though I do look quite awkward and foolish and there wasn't much I could do about random strangers in the background.<br />
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A butterfly on Michelle's hair like a bow again...<br />
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So cute. Her expression is adorable too. I told her "Don't move! It's on your hairband." So she's trying to be still while holding in her excitement and this was the result.<br />
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Moments like this are why I take pictures. Moments are fleeting but the photos freeze them. Forever I can look at this picture and be in that moment as a five year old Michelle smiled and held her breath knowing that there was a butterfly in her hair. I need to hold on. These days especially when it seems like so much of my life is outside of my control and there are so many answered questions. At least photography is something I can control. I can see something I like and hold on to it. Then again I can't control Michelle or the butterflies. But sometimes I get lucky and they cooperate!<br />
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One day Michelle just wanted to stay home and play. We'd been on the go so much that it was nice to just chill for a change. She wanted to play dress-up. Michelle looks like she's wearing a wedding dress! She insisted that I dress up too.<br />
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My little girl is growing up so fast. It's scary. It's why I take so many photos. To hold on. I'm grateful to have this time with her.<br />
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The doctor ordered that I do everything I could to avoid stress, to heal myself, to find my zen. Spending quality time with Michelle, doing yoga every day, writing out my thoughts and feelings, making music and singing helped me so much. I started to feel like myself again. When I was working those hellish shifts I was losing myself. Turning in to something else. Chronic stress is so damaging -- physically, psychologically, spiritually. I don't even know how I last so long.<br />
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Only five years old but Michelle had a boyfriend in her class and she talked about marrying him! I told her she's MUCH too young to talk about love or marriage. I told her she has her whole life to meet and date people before she decides to get married one day.<br />
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I sort of skipped that step of course. I dated someone for nine years and didn't marry him. I seemed to gravitate toward flawed boys and dead end relationships so I always had an escape hatch. There was no danger of me marrying. I was afraid of commitment. Now I have the biggest commitment of my life -- Michelle will be my little girl forever! But it's different. She truly is the love of my life and I'm so grateful for her. This is one commitment I would not want to get out of! (Which is good because there's no going back once you're a parent!)<br />
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Michelle was so popular she had a birthday party to go to every weekend. On St. Patrick's Day she had to work in TWO birthday parties -- her friend and her cousin Dan. I found her a St. Patrick's day outfit and even a green streamer headband. She loved it but it wasn't very comfortable so she pretty much just wore it for the picture and took it off.<br />
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I don't have a lot of green but I wore a green shirt for St. Patty's day. I think if you're part Irish you have to! Again, the nerd in me simply can NOT resist an opportunity for THEME DRESSING!<br />
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Most people were NOT dressed in green. The kids were pretty mischievous and were not very cooperative when I asked for a nice smile.<br />
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It was a spy birthday theme so they had some fun spy activities and games to play. I just grabbed a couple of photos and left. I had so much to do and only a couple of hours to scramble before picking Michelle up and heading to Party #2!<br />
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The kids were all laughing. Michelle is laughing and pulling a silly face. She had a ball playing with her friends. I am glad that she's so sociable and outgoing. That's something that I always struggled with being shy. As a child and even into adulthood. I am just not a very social person. I love my sister and she's my best friend. Aside from family events I don't socialize at all. At least I get to talk to some of the other parents sometimes at Michelle's school, at parties etc. I always feel like I don't fit in. Everyone else is married. No one is a single parent.<br />
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And then one of Michelle's besties arrived so I had to get another group shot. At least there were a few girls at this boy party. She went to one party where she was literally THE ONLY GIRL THERE! I was afraid she wouldn't survive but aside from some green icing in her hair inexplicably she was OK. It's always hard for me to leave her but it's only for a couple of hours and it actually gives me a little bit of time to get some things done.<br />
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Just as I'd expected Michelle didn't want to leave the party. I told her I had to pick her up a little bit early because we had to drive all the way to Auntie May's for Dan's birthday but she still didn't want to leave. I told her ahead of time "Remember I have to pick you up early to go to Dan's party."<br />
"I know. I know, Mama!" she said beforehand. Of course once she was there it was a different story. I couldn't drag her out of there. We ended up leaving the same time as everyone else.<br />
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And then the group shot with the family...<br />
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We made it to Auntie May's for Dan's party and I insisted on the group shot. Michelle wore her green streamers for the photo there too. At least half of us were in green for St. Patrick's Day. I just realized my Mom does theme dressing too. She mostly does colour coordinated dressing -- she'll match her outfit to her jewelry, shoes, purse etc. I'm not quite there. I can't be bothered moving all my stuff from purse to purse so I just keep the same bag most of the time. And I don't have shoes in every colour.<br />
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Reggie had some green balloons too.<br />
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Uncle Mikey couldn't make it but he'd just been on the news the other day talking about road construction (he's a civil engineer) and May had taped it so we all sat and watched Mikey's 15 minutes (or 15 seconds!) of fame on the big screen TV. It was pretty cool.<br />
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Mike Pincivero, Engineer! Proud of my baby brother!<br />
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It's always fun playing with silly snaps on Shannon's i-phone. Sometimes I really wish I could take pictures with my cell and have fancy apps. I'd be playing with it all the time. The St. Patrick's Day one was pretty horrifying. I wasn't crazy about myself as a leprechaun but this one with the little flames over our heads was cute.<br />
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Shannon always looks like a doll in these snaps. Then again she's pretty much a beautiful perfect doll in real life too! A lot of the filters seem to enhance your eyes with this doe like quality. I can definitely see why people use them. I still can't believe how some people use Snapchat though -- taking photos and videos that just vanish. Photos should not be ephemeral! Life is fleeting enough. Photos and videos are the only way of holding on.<br />
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Michelle playing dress up again, this time as a fairy.<br />
"Can I play dress up Mama?"<br />
"Sure. If you let me take a picture!"<br />
Deal.<br />
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She did a little dance too.<br />
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Michelle really wanted to take ballet. I kept meaning to look into it. I was always afraid it would be impossible with my crazy schedule. And now I didn't know what my schedule would be or when I'd be back to work. At least there was a free ballet lesson as a passport activity so Michelle would get to try it. And hopefully in the future I could get her lessons. It's something I never got to do as a child and regretted it.<br />
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Michelle also loves drawing and painting. I love this portrait she did of us riding on a rainbow. So cool.<br />
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I wanted to ride on rainbows. For the most part Michelle helped me to find my happy place. But sometimes it was tough. I tried to hide it from her but I still struggled with anxiety. I worried for our future. I didn't know what was going to happen with my job.<br />
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When Michelle was asleep, or at school, when I had a moment to myself, sometimes I would just sit and cry.<br />
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I try to be strong for her. I try to act like I have it all together. For the camera I smile and it looks like everything is OK. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I wonder and worry. I feel alone. I feel scared. I want the best for Michelle. And sometimes I feel like a failure.<br />
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My therapist says I'm too hard on myself. I always have been. I beat myself all through school and at least it helped me to get As. Now as a Mom the stakes are even higher. Nothing has ever been more important to me than Michelle. I can't bear to mess this up. But as my therapist says there is no "perfect parent." Perfection doesn't exist and striving for it will make you crazy. We are all just human beings doing the best we can. You have to cut yourself some slack. You have to find a way to have fun.<br />
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March break was over but the free passport activities were still going on so one day after school we went to Crock a Doodle to paint a free tile. Michelle painted a picture of a cat. We had to go back in a week to pick it up after it was fired in a kiln.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i0HSFmQT5WE/WuC2vTIbRwI/AAAAAAAAR9w/y48_KWRbkjQtV6q_LtJv6tGIstEx9q0TACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1139" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i0HSFmQT5WE/WuC2vTIbRwI/AAAAAAAAR9w/y48_KWRbkjQtV6q_LtJv6tGIstEx9q0TACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6004.JPG" width="227" /></a>Of all the free activities Michelle was most excited about her free ballet lesson. She'd wanted to take ballet for a long time. I hadn't put her in any kind of lessons while I was working because she'd end up missing her class every other week (and they still make you pay whether your child is there or not.) My strange schedule really didn't make it possible. Now that I had some time off I asked about putting her in lessons but was told you had to enroll them in the Fall. Spring is the end of the season. I was so disappointed. I felt like I'd failed/disappointed Michelle. As a child I wanted ballet lessons more than anything and Mom just always said no they couldn't afford it.<br />
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At least she would get to try her one free ballet lesson. And maybe we could look into getting her lessons in the future.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eG8WXWgp8SA/WuC2vWirIZI/AAAAAAAAR9s/4HV0jS0Ub2gQaO322Se9ywViEbjyP78mQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1156" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eG8WXWgp8SA/WuC2vWirIZI/AAAAAAAAR9s/4HV0jS0Ub2gQaO322Se9ywViEbjyP78mQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6005.JPG" width="231" /></a>Michelle had a couple of tutus. She picked this one to wear to her class. And of course a Princess tiara. She wanted her hair in a bun too. She really looked the part. I knew Michelle would have a natural talent for it and love it and I felt guilty that I couldn't get her into lessons right away. I know that you're supposed to start as young as possible (preferably 4 years old) so that you still have your flexibility. Michelle is very flexible. She can even do the splits. (Something I always wished I could do!)<br />
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I wasn't sure what it would be like at the class but I was hoping I'd be there with her and could take photos. I was disappointed to learn that not only can parents NOT be in the room but they have to watch through a window with blinds in the way. I was not impressed.<br />
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It was KILLING me that I didn't have a better view! As a photoholic when I'm not able to take advantage of a photo op it physically hurts! Some of the other parents were trying to take pictures through the glass with their cellphones too. I was the most snap happy. So many shots were blurry but I struck gold with this one. I managed to catch Michelle and her reflection in the mirror. I was so proud of her. She did great in the class. I felt awful that she missed out on taking lessons for the year. It broke my heart that I couldn't give her that but classes start in the Fall and my schedule in the Fall was NUTS!<br />
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I want to give Michelle everything. My therapist tried to help me to go easier on myself. I tend to think in terms of black and white/pass and fail. I "should" myself to death. I manage to make myself feel guilty to the point where I can't win. When I was working all the time I felt guilty that I wasn't there for Michelle. Now being off work I was feeling guilty that I wasn't a positive role model for Michelle. She was proud of me in my career. It was an important job with a lot of responsibility. But frankly, the stress of the job and the insane schedule were killing me physically and mentally. Michelle was happy to have me at home but at the same time it felt like she was taking me for granted. When I used to come home from work she would run screaming "MAMA!" like I was a rockstar. Now that I was just home all the time she wasn't as happy to see me when I went to pick her up from school. Sometimes it felt like she was just "Meh" about me and would rather stay and play with her friends (of course I know that is bound to happen as she gets older!)<br />
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MVyU_AzmWjk/WuC3TYPIAxI/AAAAAAAAR_c/jjYo0K8fHhc3qwtG43rk8LYEFhh_uUSZQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6063.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MVyU_AzmWjk/WuC3TYPIAxI/AAAAAAAAR_c/jjYo0K8fHhc3qwtG43rk8LYEFhh_uUSZQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6063.JPG" width="320" /></a>When we went to pick up her free tile from Crock a Doodle she wanted to paint something else. She chose a cat sculpture. So much for our free craft. Now it was costing a fortune. She did a great job but it took her HOURS to paint her cat and I was running out of patience. I hadn't slept very well the night before and getting up early to get her off to school on time is always a stress. Even though most of my major stress triggers had been removed, I still struggled with anxiety and insomnia. My brain just wouldn't shut down at night and I was usually on too little sleep.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3TfJI017DqA/WuC3TD47DSI/AAAAAAAAR_Y/Fq_RvT13NaQSAAIjgf-mr50PclvAQF8UQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6065.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1596" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3TfJI017DqA/WuC3TD47DSI/AAAAAAAAR_Y/Fq_RvT13NaQSAAIjgf-mr50PclvAQF8UQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6065.JPG" width="319" /></a>Here is Michelle's finished painted tile. The paint is much more vibrant once it has been fired in the kiln. It was so cute. I knew that her cat sculpture would be cute too. I just wished it didn't take so long. I even picked out a little bunny for me to paint too just to pass the time.<br />
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It's marketing genius really the Passport thing -- they get you in there for your free class/event/craft hoping that you can't resist returning/spending money for more. Our free tile wound up costing me a lot more time and money. But Michelle had fun so it was worth it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3rtDROfNTwY/WuC3XnIYMII/AAAAAAAASAA/51HV0qDrihwlw5sLfJnEVk_J4Sn60SNDQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6081.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3rtDROfNTwY/WuC3XnIYMII/AAAAAAAASAA/51HV0qDrihwlw5sLfJnEVk_J4Sn60SNDQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6081.JPG" width="240" /></a>Another trip to the indoor playground: Michelle's choice. Crowded, chaotic, cacophonous, it was never MY choice but I did everything I could to make Michelle happy. So I tolerated it. And there were always a few photo ops anyway.<br />
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At least Michelle has gotten better about coming over and checking in with me regularly so I don't worry where she's disappeared to. Mom is a control freak. She just has to learn to live with it. Plus she gets thirsty often so it's an excuse to stop and get a drink too. Win-win.<br />
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I almost envy the parents that don't worry at all, that don't watch their kids like a hawk, that just assume they're safe. Unfortunately I'm not made that way. Plus I've seen and heard what can happen. We live in a very troubled world where you can't assume you're safe. Michelle is more precious to me than anything. I need to know she's safe at all times.<br />
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I LOVE this picture Michelle did of a kitty by the sunset. So cute and colourful. I wish I could live in Michelle's smiley happy perfect world.<br />
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My therapist keeps reminding me that life ISN'T perfect and that expecting it to be is part of my problem. I can't believe how long I lasted in my job (almost two decades) considering how stressful and how FAR from perfect everything was ALL THE TIME. Every time I went into work I was reminded that the world is falling apart and all I could do was try (feebly) to hold it together a little bit, in some small way. It's no wonder it broke me. My therapist and others on my team were now saying there was pretty much no way I should return to that position since it would likely break me down again. It was hard for me to let go though because it was all I'd known for so long and what would I do instead? My therapist said not to panic and they would work on finding me something else. I'm someone who likes things resolved and in order so it's scary not knowing. The therapist just had to keep reminding me to take care of myself and trust the process. Things are going to be better. The important thing is to focus on wellness. For so long I was just pushing myself and staying in a bad situation. I finally got out and am working on taking better care of myself. It was long LONG overdue.<br />
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Another Saturday, another Toys R Us craft and activity day. Once again I couldn't resist taking Michelle somewhere that was fun and free except that walking around a store is dangerous. It doesn't stay free for long. I always wind up buying something. We got our free Hatchimal and took advantage of the cute photo op but then of course Michelle wanted to look around, of course she found cute things she wanted and of course Mama couldn't say no!<br />
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I still can't believe Toys R Us U.S. went bankrupt. At least Michelle and me are doing our part to keep Toys R Us Canada around! I can't imagine the world without Toys R Us. Losing Sears was bad enough. I'll miss the Christmas Wish Book. It's just a different world now for retail. You have to adapt or get left behind. Luckily Canadian Toys R Us is trying and they have loyal customers like us!<br />
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I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5zmfpW3OdkY/WuC3rIAdoVI/AAAAAAAASBI/1UUmguYrhns9BB4kOJenpTjP72OftffPACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6101.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1242" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5zmfpW3OdkY/WuC3rIAdoVI/AAAAAAAASBI/1UUmguYrhns9BB4kOJenpTjP72OftffPACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6101.JPG" width="248" /></a>And then we saw Geoffrey the Giraffe, the Toys R Us mascot walking around. Michelle wanted to go say hi and I wanted to get a photo of them so we were both happy. With so many stores going out of business they call it the "Retail Apocalypse." People aren't going out shopping as much anymore. They buy things online. I was sad to see Sears Canada close down. It was the best place to buy beautiful girls' dresses. The Bay doesn't even carry children's wear anymore and the children's clothing stores rarely have formal wear. Michelle loves her fancy gowns. Now I won't be able to get them, except the odd time at Winners. Stores have to find ways to get you into the store so that shopping becomes more of an experience. Toys R Us has the right idea having these events on the weekend to bring people in with their kids. </div>
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One weekend Michelle and me went to the Maple Syrup Festival with Auntie May, Shannon and Reggie. It was fun and had a lot of photo ops like this ridiculous cut out of a man and woman collecting sap/maple syrup from a tree.<br />
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That's Michelle on the left and me on the right in case you couldn't tell!<br />
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I thought we'd actually see them collecting/making maple syrup but that wasn't the case.<br />
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They had pony rides! Michelle was almost as excited to ride the pony as I was to get pictures of her on it. I'm always surprised that Reggie and Shannon have no interest in riding a pony. I never got a pony ride as a child. I would have been thrilled out of my mind! I didn't get to go horseback riding (and even then it was just once) until adulthood. I want Michelle to enjoy all the things I never got to do. (There were a lot of them.) Even though I'm always a little nervous of her falling, I want to let Michelle do these things. I don't want her to be afraid of things. Fear governed my Mom. I've always been a worrier too. I'm glad Michelle is a lot more brave.<br />
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There were several activities for the kids. Michelle and Reggie got to play a fishing game and won a prize. It was a little chilly out but sunny anyway and we were bundled up. It sure didn't feel like Spring was on the way.<br />
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Of course I couldn't resist a group shot with the cheesy cutouts. In this one I couldn't quite reach my head up to the cut-out in time, standing on tippy toe. May didn't really want to be in the pictures but I insisted she get in the group shots at least.<br />
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I was excited and curious to go inside and check out an old Victorian farmhouse. I figured there would be plenty of photo ops in there. Unfortunately it was a little crowded in the small rooms and hallways but I still managed to snap a few pictures unobstructed.<br />
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It was cool to step into the past and see the cute and quaint world that they lived in. It's hard to imagine now that we have so many modern conveniences how they managed without but it's whatever you're used to. I still remember the world before the internet. Kids today have no idea. I try to keep Michelle off of devices for the most part though she plays on my phone the odd time. Too many kids are too addicted to devices. Sometimes going off the grid, old school is the best.<br />
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Michelle and Reggie took turns pumping water out at the old fashioned sink. We take running water for granted now but back then it was a chore to get fresh water, which explains why they bathed so rarely. I can't imagine it. I remember the expression "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Because the whole family would bathe, from oldest to youngest and by the end the water would be black. Quite disgusting actually! I prefer not to think about it. I don't think I could get in used bath water if my life depended on it but I guess if you didn't know any different...<br />
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There was already a sort of creepy quality to the house, like there may be ghosts of the past there, but this room took the cake.<br />
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That headless mannequin was NEXT LEVEL creepy and I swear if it started to move or anything made a sound I was ready to run out of there so fast! Just looking at this photo almost makes me scream!<br />
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Once there was a break in the crowd I set up the self timer and managed to get all of us in a group shot in the kitchen of the old farmhouse. The old stove is so cute! It was fun to feel transported back to that time and to see how they lived. It was nice to warm up for a while after walking outside too.<br />
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It was still Winter out as you can tell by our winter coats and boots.<br />
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Another silly cutout photo op. It almost looks real!<br />
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I imagine one day Michelle might actually be taller than me. She could be 6'2" someday if she takes after her dad. I'm 5'7". I heard that kids end up the average height of their two parents but then again my Mom is 4'11" and my dad is barely 5'2" and somehow I'm 5'7". Michelle has always been in the 90th percentile for height for her age group. Whenever we're out and she meets kids her size they're usually 7 or 8 years old. She's already wearing size 7. Everyone who finds out Michelle is only 5 has the same reaction. "REALLY?! She's SO TALL!" I hope her height and her name are the only two things she gets from her dad...<br />
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Of course it wouldn't be a Maple Syrup Festival without maple syrup so we all tried a small cup. I've only ever had syrup on pancakes, not drinking it straight from a shot glass but it was good. It was very VERY sweet (even for me and I'm a cola and iced cappuccino fiend so I LOVE my sugar!) I wouldn't say it was too sweet -- I don't think you can be too rich, too happy or too sweet. But I think I'll just put it on pancakes rather than drink it from here on out. I think it was a bit much for Michelle too.<br />
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There were some games and activities in the barn for kids. I spotted a place to set my camera for the timer and got a group shot of us. No one looks very enthused. It was a little chilly. March had come in like a lion and wasn't really going out like a lamb either. We weren't sure when Winter would end but it wasn't quite yet anyway. At least the sun was out.<br />
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Michelle and Reggie had fun climbing on the hay bales and I managed to get another group photo. It reminded me a little of our yearly Fall trip to the farm around Halloween.<br />
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I love spending time with my sister and the kids. She always makes me laugh. She is just what the doctor ordered! May is my happy place!<br />
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Group shot with a quilt. Just because! If there was a flat surface to sit my camera on and a slight break in the crowd I was ON it!<br />
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The rest of the group wasn't quite as enthusiastic about posing for group shots but they indulged me at least.<br />
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And there was a hay ride. Again it reminded me of our annual Fall trip to the farm, only much colder. At least the sun was out but it was definitely not Spring.<br />
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I enjoy these outings with May and the kids. I'm so grateful for them. When I get stressed out it always helps to spend some time with May. She always manages to calm me down, put things in perspective and make me laugh.<br />
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Michelle and me on the hay ride. It was fun but part of me was just counting the minutes until we could go inside and get warm!<br />
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She has her cozy unicorn hat to keep her head warm. I put my hood up when my ears started to go numb in the wind.<br />
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Uncle Shane let Michelle play with a remote control car. I was afraid she'd crash it/break it but Shane wasn't too concerned. It had already taken quite a beating from him and Reggie playing with it.<br />
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Shane in a t-shirt while Michelle is in a winter coat and hat sums up Spring in Canada -- you could go either way. Boots or sandals? It depends on your tolerance for the cold.<br />
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BUNNY! Nothing says Spring and Easter on the way like bunnies in the backyard. So cute! The flash bounced off his eyes making them red and slightly demonic looking but he was still adorable!<br />
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My Mom used to get bunnies in the backyard every Spring. She would find a nest of baby bunnies. One year we even got pictures holding them.<br />
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I was surprised how close he was letting me get without hopping away. I zoomed in as much as possible as well.<br />
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So cute!<br />
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The bunny gave me hope that maybe Spring was coming soon.<br />
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It had been YEARS since we'd been to Chris & Christina's condo (long before Michelle was born. Maybe a decade ago?) but we were invited for Chris' birthday. It can be tricky to fit a HUGE family like ours in a small space but it worked. Their condo is beautiful and they make good use of space. Of course it helps that Christina is a minimalist. While I think minimalism is beautiful I'm more of a maximalist (though not quite to the degree that my Mom is!) I love my stuff. I have a sentimental attachment to things.<br />
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It's tough to get Chris to smile for a photo but it happens once in a while. He and Christina are not quite the photoholics that I am (then again, WHO IS?!) I remember ex boyfriends telling me that I take too many pictures but I don't think you can. I never regret the photos I take, only the ones that I missed. Life is so fleeting. Time goes so fast and things can change just like that. Photos are the only way to slow time down, to capture the moment before it's gone. I will never give that up or apologize for it. I don't understand people who don't want to hold on. Who don't get attached. I guess it's partly how you're raised. Someone I used to work with threw her children's artwork out. She didn't like having "clutter" around. How can something your child created be clutter?! How can you not be sentimental about your own kids?! I guess everyone is different.<br />
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I don't know if Mike was mid-sneeze or what but this picture cracks me up! James is on his tablet or whatever (as he is 99% of the time!) Michelle and Shannon are posing on the back of the couch, Kayla has her eyes closed and Mike is sneezing, yawning or God knows what. I could have just zoomed in on Michelle and Shannon but then I would have missed out on the funny characters around them!<br />
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Then Michelle and Kayla had fun sticking a stuffed dog on Mike's head and giggling about it. It's that much more hilarious because of his deadpan face and how calmly he just sat there and left it. The fact that he's wearing a Superman t-shirt makes it even funnier.<br />
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We had a choice of HUGE chocolate chip cookies or small ones. I opted for the small one (I am still counting calories after all these years) and Michelle took the LARGE. Apparently Kayla took a big one too!<br />
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Michelle LOVES her Uncle Chris! It's a shame he'll never be a Dad because I think he'd be a great one. Kids love him. He's such a character -- funny and animated and loves playing with them. I understand the decision not to have children. I used to think I didn't want kids either but then Michelle was the best thing that ever happened to me. My Mom and sister tried to tell me that no love compares to the love you have for your child but I didn't fully understand until I had one of my own. She turned my world on its head but I'm forever grateful that she did! She is the love of my life!<br />
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Easter was on the way. Snapchat always has holiday themed filters so Shannon and I played with the Easter ones. I always have her email the snaps after.<br />
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I remember when I first heard about Snapchat and how it was something where you share a video and then it disappears and that sounded crazy to me. I don't want to create things that disappear! I want to keep them forever! I'm glad there is a way to keep these photos. I'm a keeper. I'm not very good at letting go.<br />
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Ready for Easter like...<br />
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Michelle was so excited to come downstairs and hunt for the eggs that the Easter Bunny had left for her.<br />
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While she knows that Easter is when Jesus rose from the dead to open the gates of Heaven and free us from sin, she also believes that the Easter Bunny brings chocolate and gifts to celebrate Spring. I don't see the harm in embracing both the Christian and the pagan aspects of each holiday. Mom used to get us chocolate bunnies for Easter but we never had an egg hunt growing up. I want Michelle to have all the fun she can.<br />
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She was so excited. She was asking me to help her find the eggs but I told her I wasn't sure where the Easter Bunny had left them. She found them all around the main floor, in a boot, behind a book, on a shelf, etc. There were all different kinds of eggs. Some with toys or stickers inside, others with candy or chocolate. Some even had Play Doh inside. And some were just pretty decorative eggs. My lucky girl filled two baskets with eggs.<br />
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Don't put all your eggs in one basket of course! Michelle had a LOT of eggs!<br />
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I love getting pictures of Michelle beside a mirror because it's like there are two of her and I get to imagine for a moment that she's twins. Don't get me wrong -- one of her is MORE THAN ENOUGH and two of her would be A LOT TO TAKE but I love her so much that it is fun to imagine once in a while two sweet little identical twin girls in matching outfits. It makes my cheeks hurt just thinking about it!<br />
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Michelle had an EGGS-elent Easter morning!<br />
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Just when Michelle thought she'd found all the eggs she'd come across another one she missed. There was even an egg with a little wind up bunny inside. So cute.<br />
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I didn't have a bunny outfit for myself. I just wore pink but Michelle had her pink bunny dress for the occasion. They have so many cute clothes for kids at H&M. H&M took some flack at one point about an ad they had featuring an adorable little black boy wearing a shirt that said the "coolest monkey in the jungle." I hope they didn't mean any harm by it but they made a lot of people angry. I thought it was in poor taste but not enough to boycott the store because where else would I get adorable dresses with animals on them for only $5?!<br />
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Aside from all her eggs from the Easter Bunny, Michelle got lots of presents from Mama too.<br />
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There is no question about it: Michelle is definitely spoiled. I just can't resist getting cute and pretty things for her. There are so many things that I can't give her (like a normal family, a father, siblings, etc). If there is something that I think will make her happy, I can't resist. If it's adorable and doesn't cost too much, how could I NOT get it for her?!<br />
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After the egg hunt we had breakfast. I made Michelle bunny shaped pancakes with jellybean eyes and nose. She absolutely LOVED them. I was proud of myself that I managed to do it. The first few misshapen bunnies I made I just ate myself. I waited until I had enough practice and had it down to a science before I gave Michelle hers. And took a photo of them. My camera even has a setting with a picture of a knife and fork, like they EXPECT you to take photos of your food. Food macros. Because people do now. People take photos of everything. I just want to remind everyone that I was doing it long LONG before it was cool!<br />
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I actually don't take photos of food that often. I am certainly not a foodie but if it's cute and a photo op, I'm for sure going to capture it before it's eaten!<br />
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My gifted girl. Sometimes I envy Michelle. When I was a kid I would have been thrilled to be showered in love and attention. (Instead I felt like I was always competing with my siblings and losing.) To get everything that I asked for (instead the answer was always no.) Everything I asked Mom for. Every time we went shopping: No. No. No. The answer was literally NEVER yes. So now I say yes to Michelle all the time just so that she doesn't have to feel that way. Just so that she knows she deserves to be happy. She deserves to get what she wants. She deserves love and attention. I felt ignored and unloved much of the time. I mean I guess my Mom loved me. It just didn't seem like it a lot of the time.<br />
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Michelle wanted to have a dance light party again. I was game because it meant getting some really cool creative photos. We turned the flashlights around and around and actually wrote circles in the air. All kinds of awesome! It still seems magical to me that you can actually draw with light and a slow shutter speed will capture it.<br />
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I love fireworks. I wanted to share that with Michelle. Because they don't even start until late at night (and because I was often working holidays like Canada Day and Victoria Day) I had never taken Michelle to see fireworks but I was thinking maybe we might try this year.<br />
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I tried to draw a heart with light and it actually worked! It was like the coolest thing ever! Michelle was amazed when she saw the photos. The night setting on the camera has a really slow shutter speed. It takes a while before there's a click and you're not even sure what moment the camera is actually capturing. But when it works it is amazing to see. From sheer persistence I have managed to catch some extraordinary photos of lightning and fireworks. Of course for each one of the those keepers there were HUNDREDS of failed/blurry/black sky shots where it clicked a moment too soon or too late.<br />
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The whole family wasn't getting together for Easter because we'd just had Chris' birthday celebration but Michelle and me visited with Gramma and Grampa anyway.<br />
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She wore her bunny ears. Michelle used to see a LOT of Gramma and Grampa when I was working. Now she didn't see them as often but I still wanted to make sure to visit now and then. My Mom was having a rough time with health issues. She said she wasn't sure if she'd have been able to watch Michelle if I had been working. I was stressed enough about my precarious situation, now I was worried about my Mom too. I tried to focus on happy things but in my quiet moments I couldn't help but think and worry. Even with most of my former stress triggers removed (the job, the long commute etc) I still had trouble sleeping. I still had nightmares sometimes. I wasn't out of the woods yet.<br />
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Inspired by Michelle's happy sunny view of life I painted my own rainbow then I pasted it over a grey sky as a symbol of finding the bright spot in a dark day, looking for the good. I wrote "Paint a rainbow across the grey sky" on the painting and it inspired me to write a song about it as well. Here's the video on Youtube: </div>
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"Paint a Rainbow" original song by Ann Marie Pincivero --</div>
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There were a lot of grey days. I had hoped that April would mean Spring but Winter lingered. We even had a terrible ice storm at one point and the power went out.<br />
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Still, we tried to create a little bit of Spring any way we could. Michelle dressed in happy Spring colours with flowers in her hair.<br />
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Sometimes I felt like the Eeyore to Michelle's Tigger. She was so lively, joyful and full of energy. I was more gloomy and exhausted a lot of the time. It didn't help that I rarely got a decent sleep. Still at least a little of her happiness rubbed off on me. Seeing her smile made me smile. I like having these pictures because it helps me remember the happy times and forget the sad ones. I never took pictures of the sad days.<br />
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Michelle wanted to go to the indoor playground again. She made friends as usual. I am always amazed how easily she meets and makes friends. It's something I still haven't figured out but mostly because our personalities are so different. Michelle has all the confidence in the world, is friendly and outgoing, can go up to anyone and strike up a conversation. I am riddled with self-doubt, shy and withdrawn and in a billion years I could not just go up to a random stranger and start a conversation. No way. No day. So unless they magically approach me, it ain't happening. And I've been told I'm not very "approachable."<br />
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I love this shot of Michelle laughing on the slide with her new friends. I quickly became known as "Michelle's Mom" -- the crazy lady with the camera. The girls all thought it was funny that I took so many pictures. Michelle started screaming and running away from the camera which became a game. I still managed to get a few shots in.<br />
"There she is!" she'd laugh and scream and run away.<br />
Like the paparazzi, she really couldn't escape me. I was waiting around every corner with my camera ready.<br />
"Gotcha!"<br />
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It was too late in the season for Michelle to start ballet lessons with a class but individual piano lessons you can do anytime so I decided to start Michelle in them. She loved the teacher from her free lesson so we stuck with her. Michelle was SO excited to be going to piano. I wanted to give her that because it was something I always wanted as a child and never got to do. I try to give her everything I missed out on.<br />
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We loved the movie Ferdinand at the theatre and got it on DVD when it came out. In the bonus features they had a gardening activity (because Ferdinand loves flowers) -- you plant seeds into egg shells and then plant the sprouts (shell and all in the ground). Michelle wanted to do it so one day we did. Some of the seeds sprouted and grew really well. Others didn't sprout at all. So you just never know. You just keep watering and hope for the best.<br />
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Michelle liked having pretend tea parties and picnics. This was a BBQ and Ali was invited (actually she crashed the party after it was all set up. Michelle got a kick out of it.) I wanted to get pictures but Ali wasn't very cooperative and wouldn't look. At least I got a smile out of Michelle!<br />
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I loved Lite Brite as a kid. The modern version is a little bit different but the same basic idea. Michelle had almost forgotten about hers. She has so many toys and games that we keep stored in baskets and sometimes she forgets all that she has!<br />
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She was happy to discover her Lite Brite again and even spelled her name on it.<br />
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Michelle with her name in lights!<br />
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If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you snow, make a snowman. It was STILL Winter but we tried to make the best of it. Michelle was having fun. I was really ready to trade in my winter boots for sandals but it wasn't happening any time soon.</div>
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Strange weather was becoming the new normal. Global warming didn't just mean warmer than average temperatures. Sometimes it meant colder than average. It just meant everything was out of whack and you never knew what you'd get. Some places were getting snow that had NEVER had snow. </div>
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The continuing cold certainly didn't seem to bother Michelle. She still wanted to run amok and play outside with her friends after school. I just stood there shivering.<br />
"OK. Can we go home NOW?"<br />
"One more minute Mama!"<br />
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Mog the Forgetful Cat by Judith Kerr was an adorable story I discovered online and had to pick up. Michelle decided to read it to Ali, who was also a forgetful cat. Ali will sit at the cupboard and beg for treats even after I've already given her treats. Of course it may not be that she forgets she's had them. She may just want MORE. Ali is a big cat and the last thing she needs are more treats but it doesn't stop her from asking. Over and over and OVER again. I thought it was adorable to see Michelle reading a cat story to our cat so of course I had to get a picture...<br />
"Bother that cat!"<br />
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On YTV they showed a really cool exhibit in Toronto -- the Yayoi Kusama exhibit "Infinity Mirrors" at the AGO. Michelle and me really wanted to go but when I looked online all the tickets were sold out. Soon however we discovered on YTV that there was yet another cool interactive exhibit called digiPlaySpace and tickets were still available. So we went. Luckily it was a perfect day for walking around downtown. Michelle looked very chic all dressed in black and wearing black diamond encrusted shades. A woman walking down the street saw Michelle and called her the little "Queen of Fashion!" Michelle was so happy. It was pretty cool.<br />
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One of the staff kindly took our picture so it turned out better than my attempts. This exhibit was SO AWESOME! You stand in front of the different screens and it turns you into a painting!<br />
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Here Michelle and me are turned into Japanese blue wave people!<br />
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I love this! It's so neat! I wish they'd had several more famous paintings that you could walk into. It was like becoming a work of art!<br />
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I absolutely LOVE this one! IT looks like a real abstract painting. So cool!<br />
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It was lots of fun for Michelle and fantastic photo ops for me so we were both thrilled!<br />
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This one is absolutely my fave. It's cool how much you can simplify a face and still tell that it's you. Just a few lines and shapes. It made me want to draw and paint again. I hadn't in a long time.<br />
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At this station you could dance and move around and the camera would turn you into a flamingo which you could watch on screen!<br />
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There was a Mindfulness Machine which would print out designs and colours based on how it was feeling. It was a bit disturbing to think that a machine could feel anything but people don't seem to worry about Artificial Intelligence taking over...<br />
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This was one of my favourite parts. There was an enormous stretchable screen that you could push on and it would play music and create designs based on how you stretched it. Living a creative living, breathing screen. I'd never seen anything like it. It was pretty magical.<br />
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I could have stood there for an hour playing with it and taking pictures but Michelle wanted to explore the rest of the exhibits.<br />
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This was AWESOME! How often do you get to actually HOLD THE SUN! You could move the sun up and down, back and forth across the sky and watch it change the landscape on screen!<br />
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Oh the POWER! Michelle holding the sun.<br />
And God said "Let there be light..."<br />
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Then there was an activity where you could colour your own fish, have it scanned and watch it swim around in an aquarium. Michelle had fun searching for her fish going back and forth across the screen. I coloured a seahorse as well.<br />
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It was tough to get a timed shot with so many people around but I managed to set the camera on the table and run into the picture in time.<br />
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I wanted to be able to see our fish and seahorse but they got lost in the sea of others.<br />
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This was AMAZING! There was a table with a plastic cover and liquid colours underneath. You could push on it with your hands and create different designs and effects which would then show up on a screen on the wall.<br />
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As artists who love colours this was a really magical exhibit for us! So beautiful!<br />
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When there was a break in the crowd I set the camera on the table and we stood in front of the screen to pose with some of the psychedelic colours.<br />
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I could have stayed there for hours but we still had a lot to see and I figured we could return to it on our way back out afterward.<br />
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Michelle was excited to see herself on a screen as she posed and moved around in front of a green screen. She pretended she was a bird flying in the air. She saw how they do some special effects in movies by using a green screen.<br />
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There was a line up of kids waiting their turn but Michelle didn't want to leave. Each child only gets a couple of minutes playing in front of the green screen. I snapped as many photos as I could though none of them turned out very well.<br />
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I asked one of the staff if she could get a picture of Michelle and I on the green screen. So she had us sitting on a cloud.<br />
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Another encounter with the breathable stretchable art and music screen. This time it was playing different music and making splashes of colour. It was so cool.<br />
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I was so glad we were able to go to digiPlayspace. It was a great experience. Michelle loved it too and told me that I was the "best Mama ever!" I was still bummed we didn't get to see #InfiniteKusama but I'd just found out about it and the tickets sold out back in January.<br />
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I found a spot to set the camera down and got a photo of Michelle and me embracing, both as humans and as flamingos on the screen! (There we are in the middle.)<br />
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I love that the exhibits were interactive, that you could be part of the art. Normally I'm not a fan of technology but this was REALLY COOL and creative. Like art in motion.<br />
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Before we left we got one more shot of us with the psychedelic colours. The bubbles of colour had kind of an eery feel to them. Like cells under a microscope. It was like living art. It continues to change and evolve. It's never the same twice. And you can affect what it becomes by pressing on the screen.<br />
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The whole exhibit was such a cool blend of art, science and technology. Great for kids and adults. We couldn't have asked for a better day. I was so glad that we went. Days like this are good for my spirit. I want to focus on the good things. Art and beauty and fun. There is so much darkness, ugliness and sorrow in the world. I'd been in such a dark place for so long. It feels good to get out of it, to breathe again.<br />
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I'm so grateful for these adventures with Michelle. I'm glad that she loves the same things I do so we can enjoy these excursions together. We both love art and colour. We both had fun interacting with the exhibits. And of course I'm always thrilled to have a photo op!<br />
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The Toronto International Film Festival was only having this digiPlaySpace exhibit for a short time. I was so glad that we were able to see it.<br />
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As fun as it was it was still a long day and I was on too little sleep as usual. I was exhausted and ready to leave but there was still a children's activity area and Michelle wanted to stay a little longer. She got to see herself with a computer animated background again. This time a snow storm. That was the last thing I wanted to see. After the longest Winter ever I didn't want to see or hear about snow ever again!<br />
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We couldn't resist stepping into the paintings again on our way out. I got photos of Michelle on her own.<br />
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We checked out the gift shop afterward. Everything was so expensive I wasn't sure we'd find anything. Michelle picked out a flamingo (which wasn't cheap either!) that she wanted. At first I said no but it was pretty cute and unique and was a good souvenir of our experience at digiPlaySpace.<br />
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So here she is with her flamingo.<br />
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One last shot of us at digiPlaySpace at the Bell LightBox. I was so happy that we got to see it. It was a fantastic experience.<br />
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Spending time with Michelle, focusing on beautiful things helped me to find my calm. Doing yoga, reading about Mindfulness, writing, painting, singing were all good for my soul. I had been in such a dark place, now I was trying to focus on the light, on the good things in life. Focusing on all that's wrong in the world (A LOT, these days more than ever) just makes me feel helpless and stresses me out.<br />
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I try not to follow the news much anymore. Unfortunately I still hear things and see things. You can rarely log onto Twitter without seeing something disturbing trending.<br />
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Tragedy struck Toronto right after Michelle and I visited. A psychopath randomly drove a van over the sidewalk killing 8 women and 2 men. At first people thought it was a terrorist act, then it was learned that the attacker was actually an "Incel." "Incels" are a disturbing subculture of misogynists who identify as "involuntary celibate" -- basically they can't get laid and they are angry about it! They hate women and they can be violent (even to the point of homicidal). They seem to have a sense of entitlement and resent women for not giving them the attention they deserve. They detest what they call "Chads and Stacies" the attractive males and females who are able to find partners. Sometimes these creeps lash out violently as a protest, punishing women for rejecting them. This sort of "Incel Rebellion" inspired Elliot Rodger to kill 6 people in California in 2014. Now it had happened in Toronto. It's terrifying to me that someone could be so messed up they could feel justified in taking innocent lives.<br />
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Reading about tragic events in the U.S. and around the world is bad enough but when it happens so close to home, it's that much more horrifying. Michelle and I had JUST BEEN THERE. We don't go to Toronto that often but we had literally JUST GONE. It was too close for comfort. It could have been us walking down the sidewalk and struck by a van. It was horrible. When I went to my therapist I was sobbing. I try so hard to focus on the good things. I want life to be all sunshine and rainbows but there are terrible things happening all the time. In my job I was forced to deal with it day after day. I don't know how I did it for so long. Now that I have been out of that nightmare world I don't want to know about the horrors in the news, I don't want to hear about the world falling apart in so many ways. I want to focus on the good things, but I can't avoid hearing about tragedies when they strike. The therapist reminded me that the world is far from perfect. We are not meant to be happy all the time. We experience a wide range of emotions in response to what happens -- anger, fear, sorrow. You just have to deal with it and move on. People post their happy moments online. Everyone on Instagram or Twitter looks like they have a perfect life because you just see the smiles, the good times that they choose to show. But everyone has their struggles, you just don't always see them. Life will never be perfect. You just endure the bad times and enjoy the good times. And hope that you have more good than bad.<br />
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There is a mental health crisis in North America. I even grapple with mental health issues in my own life. But I am not a danger to myself and others. Unfortunately there is so much hatred, anger and despair in the world and some people are so far gone that life no longer has value to them. Their own or someone else's. It sounds like a hippie thing to say but what I really want is "Peace and love, man!" I don't want the world to be the dark place that it seems to have become. I try to focus on the good things. I try to exist in this beautiful, happy world with Michelle. To go beautiful places, to do fun things, to avoid anything dark, stressful, awful. But even though I avoid watching the news it catches up to me. I glimpse a trend on Twitter. Or my Mom calls to tell me some other horror story unfolding in real life.<br />
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When my Mom heard about the Toronto attack she told me never to go to Toronto again, that it was too dangerous. "You can't live in fear," I told her, "you can't stop living your life and doing anything because something might happen." You can't let one bad person stop you from enjoying your life. Otherwise the bad guys have won. II understand my Mom's worrying nature. I have it myself. I struggle with anxiety too but I still want to do things. And you can't let the bad steal your good. You can't hide away from life just to stay safe. That's not really living. You still have to get out there. The only good thing to come out of tragedy is that it can draw people together. #TorontoStrong trended on Twitter. There are still good people out there. There is still a lot of love. I told my Mom I would still go to Toronto again. I was hoping we might get to that AGO exhibit at some point. I heard that although advance tickets were gone they were giving out a certain amount of tickets each day if you lined up. It was on until the end of May. Maybe we would get there. Maybe that could be my birthday gift to myself. Art made me happy and Michelle was excited about it too.<br />
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Michelle made a card for Reggie's First Communion.<br />
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I love Michelle's artwork. It's so cute. It's supposed to be a dove but looks more like an obstinate goose! I told her doves are usually shown in flight, their wings open. She said she wanted to do it "her own way" and this is what she came up with. It is adorable. I told her she should have a cross or something to show that it's a Communion so she drew a cross inside the card.<br />
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Her dove almost seems to be saying "I know I should open my wings to show that I'm a dove but I want to do things my own way!"<br />
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The kids are growing up SO FAST! It's crazy. Reggie had his First Communion already. Kayla's was coming up as well. Before I knew it it would be Michelle's. Reggie looked adorable in his little suit like a miniature man! The girls looked like beautiful little brides in their white gowns.<br />
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I don't even know where I'll get Michelle's Communion gown when it's time for hers. Sears used to be the best place to go for kids' formal wear. Now it doesn't exist. Other kids' stores just seem to have casual wear. The Bay doesn't even sell kids' clothes anymore. I guess I'll have to look online but you have to TRY things on. How can you buy a dress online without trying it on? I guess people do. This is why the retail apocalypse is happening. Brick and mortar stores are disappearing.<br />
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Would you like a cookie cake or regular cake?<br />
YES!!<br />
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Michelle had some of both. Reggie will only eat cookie cakes. He doesn't like regular cake (?! I know, right?! How is that possible?! How can someone NOT LIKE CAKE?!?!)<br />
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I had a small piece of each as well. I can't resist sweets.<br />
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"It must be Spring NOW right?!" the robin seemed to ask and I didn't have an answer. We would have a nice day and get lulled into a false sense of security. I would break out the sandals and hope for the best. Then the next day would be Winter again and I'd need to wear my boots and Winter coat. I felt bad for the birds and animals that didn't seem to know what to think or do. I felt bad for the plants that were starting to bloom only to be covered in frost again.<br />
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Climate change has wreaked havoc around the world and we felt it in Canada too.<br />
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In the Fall last year Michelle's school was selling bulbs as a fundraiser instead of chocolates. I was relieved because with a case of chocolate in the house I wind up gaining 10 lbs! At least buying the bulbs wouldn't hurt my waistline. And I've have tulips and daffodils to look forward to in the Spring.<br />
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I'd never tried planting bulbs before so I didn't know if I'd done it right or if they'd grow but I was happy to see them starting to come up. Spring really was coming. We had to keep the faith. No Winter, no matter how dreary, could last forever.<br />
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Michelle wanted to ride her bike. She still had her training wheels on. I said maybe we'd try to take them off after her 6th birthday in the Summer. I was in no hurry. I was actually terrified of the prospect of her riding a two wheeler. As a control freak it's my worst nightmare to have a situation where Michelle could get hurt and I have to let go to some degree or she won't learn.<br />
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I can't really remember learning to ride a bike. I think my Dad went out with me. It seemed to me that I learned in one day but I may just be remembering it wrong.<br />
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Michelle running amok in the park, having fun and making new friends as usual. It always amazes me how she can make a friend everywhere we go. I envy her that. I could be somewhere for years and not meet anyone. She could be somewhere two minutes and have a new friend. I know that a lot of it is her outgoing personality as opposed to my shy, withdrawn one.<br />
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The rain doesn't dampen Michelle's spirit. She wanted to jump around in puddles. I figured I could just change her pants afterward. It's only water, right?! Wrong! What I hadn't accounted for was the MUD. Her boots were full of muddy water. Her socks and pants were saturated in it. I had to wash them in the sink before putting them in the washing machine. Still it was worth it to get these cute shots of Michelle so happy, enjoying being a kid.<br />
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"I can't believe you're letting me do this! You're the BEST MAMA EVER!"<br />
It is hard for a control freak to let go and let my kid get messy once in a while but I want her to have fun and be happy. That's more important than my need for control/perfection. As my therapist keeps reminding me, perfection is impossible anyway.<br />
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Michelle and me in the rain. Michelle really is like a walking rainbow. She is a ray of light and joy and colour on a dark, grey rainy day. Even on dark days, she keeps me going. She is my reason, my purpose, my joy. I'm so grateful for her.<br />
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And when I feel overwhelmed and stressed, when I let myself cry it out because I'm sad and scared and I don't know what the future holds and it's hard not knowing, what keeps me going is my girl. I think of her and I'm so grateful to be her Mom. And I have to be OK for her. So I WILL be OK for her. I'm not sure how but I'm working on it.<br />
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They put a little clubhouse outside the school so now it's even harder to get Michelle to go home after school because she wants to run and play with the other kids in the little house. I love seeing her laughing and playing with other kids. I envy her happy, carefree attitude. It seems so easy for her. My therapist reminds me "She's just a child." But I don't know if I was EVER that happy and carefree. Even as a child I worried, feared, doubted myself. I was shy and scared. I'm glad Michelle is different from me in many ways.<br />
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Spring swing = pure bliss. I love this shot of Michelle smiling and laughing on the swing. I have as much fun taking pictures of her and she does playing.<br />
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Having time in the fresh air and sunshine heals my soul. That's part of why Winter is so hard -- it's cold and dark and grey and you're cooped up so much of the time without fresh air and sunlight.<br />
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This Winter seemed especially long and especially brutal. I didn't know how I'd get through it. Somehow I did and Spring came finally. I want to hope for the best. I'm still scared. I still try to take things one day at a time. I am still a work in progress. At least I have Michelle to remind me every day to find a way to smile and to laugh, no matter what may be happening in the world and within my own mind.<br />
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Another weekend, another birthday party for my popular girl! This time at an indoor beach. I thought it was a great idea except that Michelle was covered in sand but we're used to that from all our trips to the beach in the Summer (I still have sand on the seats and floor of my car.)<br />
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It was hard to get the kids to stay still and look for a photo but I caught this one anyway.<br />
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I was trying to get Michelle to look at me and smile and she wasn't cooperating. She just kept making silly faces and laughing with her kids.<br />
"Michelle!" I would call and she ignored me.<br />
I was getting discouraged. When she's just with me she's my sweet girl but when she's around her friends she tries to be funny/to be cool and can be disrespectful to me. I told her afterward that I was hurt and that I want her to respect me. I get that you want to impress your friends but I'm your Mama and you should love me and want to make me happy too. She hugged me and apologized.<br />
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Some parents just dropped their kids off for the party but several stuck around. I got to talk to a couple of them. It's nice to talk to other grown ups now and then. Somehow I always feel like sort of an outsider though. I seem to be the only single parent in Michelle's class/Michelle's school. I mean I guess there are others out there. I just don't meet them.<br />
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I took lot of pictures of Michelle but I didn't get in any until we were leaving and I set the camera on a chair so we could get a picture together. As a photographer you're always behind the camera. Sometimes you want to step in front of it too as if to say, "I was here!"<br />
Yes. It's part of why I take photos, why I write this blog, post on Twitter etc: to say I WAS HERE. Life is ephemeral. We're here then we're not. We change. The world changes. We are supposed to live in the moment. I would rather relive the moment, all the happy moments forever. To keep them frozen in an image that will never change. Photos let the control freak in me breathe a sigh of relief. At least I have something to hold on to.<br />
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And then it was Kayla's Communion. We got there early to get a seat and I was trying to save seats for May and her family. It was a challenge as the church filled up and strangers kept closing in on the space.<br />
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The mass was REALLY REALLY long. Michelle was losing patience and frankly so was I. At one point the kids sang a song and we kept thinking it was over but it kept going on. To the point where people clapped but the kids continued to sing and everyone was laughing.<br />
Michelle said "It feels like we've been here for 2000 years!" "We HAVE!" I said. It didn't help that we were almost an hour early and then the mass was almost two hours long.<br />
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Finally it was over but we still had to stick around to snap a few pictures. I couldn't argue with that of course.<br />
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Kayla was an adorable young lady in her little white dress. I imagined Michelle in her white communion dress one day. It will be here before I know it. Time goes way too fast. Except when you're sitting in church for three hours! It reminded me of the Gretchen Rubin quote: "The days are long but the years are short."<br />
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Cherish all of it. It goes so fast. Sometimes a day can seem tedious and difficult to get through but when you look back those aren't the times you remember. You recall the good times and they seem to speed by like the clips set to music in a memory sequence in a movie. The highlight reel. The movie of your life. IT GOES SO FAST.<br />
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After a long, brutal, bitterly cold Winter, Michelle and me were happy to see the Spring. She wanted to go to the park. It was nice to get some fresh air and I always love watching Michelle play, especially when I can snap pictures of her playing.<br />
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She used to want me to give her a starting push on the swing. Now she wants to do it all herself.<br />
"I'm a big girl now Mama! I don't need help!"<br />
She's growing up so fast. While I'm proud to see her becoming more mature and independent it is also a little sad to feel like I'm losing my baby girl. I have explained to her though that no matter how old she gets, even when she is a grown up lady, she will ALWAYS be my baby girl.<br />
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I wanted to have this post about March and April done by the end of June. June somehow got away from me. Here I am in the 11th hour scrambling to finish this. It's not finished by a long stretch but I'm going to press "Publish" anyway because I can always add to and edit it later. Tomorrow (actually in a few minutes!) it will be July. I can't BELIEVE that 6 months have passed already this year. It has absolutely flown by. I am grateful for the time with Michelle. I am thankful to have all these photos with her. Looking back at the pictures helps me to focus on and remember the good times. I don't take photos of the rough days. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to do this blog except that it is therapeutic for me. It is a way for me to process everything and also helps me to focus on the good times rather than the struggles. Looking back at these photos makes March and April look like a blast, even though there were some very VERY dark days. I'm not sure what the future holds and that scares me but I'm just going to keep going and try to enjoy the journey. I am still and always a work in progress and learning as I go. Thank you for reading. More adventures to come in my next post about May and June (which I can hopefully do by the end of August?!)Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-67997702863565266612018-04-12T11:57:00.001-04:002018-04-12T11:59:15.229-04:00The Last Straw<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Happy New Year! 2018! (This post is about January and February. Even though I started writing it in March and am still working on it in APRIL!) How bizarre that this is where we are. I had high hopes for the New Year being much better than the last but it was off to a pretty rocky start. Unfortunately my problems didn't just magically disappear into a puff of smoke like I'd hoped when we entered 2018. They were still there waiting for me to tackle them and I was still lacking the time, energy or means to figure out solutions. I just kept trying to muddle through. I felt trapped in an impossible situation and couldn't see a way out.<br />
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For Michelle's sake I always tried to hide my stress from her as best I could and to keep my sense of humour. Yes we're wearing matching fox sweaters here and it's not by accident. Michelle referred to our time together as "Mama and me" time. I was fortunate to have the first week of January off to spend with her because she was off on Christmas break. As a single Mom without help even when you're "off" work you're never really "off." You're always "on." You're either at work or you're working at home, taking care of your child. Time to yourself is limited (or non-existent.)<br />
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It was nice to start the year at my Mom and Dad's place. Michelle loves her grandparents and I'm very grateful to have them to care for her when I'm working. Usually I'm rushing to and from work and don't really have time for a visit so it was a great change of pace to have an actual visit with my parents while I was on vacation. I knew the week would fly by and I would have a difficult week the following week -- an 80 hour work week. There were changes and new challenges at work to add to the already overwhelming stress. I was trying not to think about it.<br />
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January. Winter. Snow. Good times. Well not for me but Michelle loved it. Michelle was excited about the snow. She was alone on that one. As I've mentioned before I'm really not a fan. As a kid, sure I loved playing in it, as an adult snow is just a chore and a nuisance at best, a hazard and a nightmare at worst. Shoveling it and driving in it are two of my least favourite tasks. But for now, I just grinned and bore it.<br />
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I told Michelle we could try to make a snowman. It wasn't packing snow so we had to make do with a pretty sorry looking little snowman, or two. Michelle wanted to put the New Year hats on them so we did. Michelle's excitement is infectious and it usually does perk me up a little. I'm still always relieved and grateful when she wants to go back indoors!<br />
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Though I love playing with Michelle it can be exhausting. Her energy is infinite. Mine is limited. Trying to be the shiny happy Disney Mom for her sake is tough. Trying to feign enthusiasm when you're not feeling it, when you're so tired you could just lie down on the middle of the floor, is harder than I can explain. I was hoping while Michelle was off school that we might actually get to sleep in at least. No such luck. On school days it's tough to drag Michelle out of bed and get her ready in time for school. Ironically on non-school days she wakes up bright and early (an hour earlier than she needs to for school!) and wants to play.<br />
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and I can't say no. I love Michelle's energy and joy for life. I wish that I shared it. It's hard when you're always tired and stressed out.</div>
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There was so much to do. With Christmas over, the house was like a bomb hit it. I had to tidy and organize -- finding a place for her new toys. I got some new shelving units to store things. Michelle even helped me put them together. She was so excited and felt so grown up using a screwdriver. She loves to help with adult chores. My natural inclination is to say no but then I give in (even though I know the task will take 4 times as long) because it makes her happy and it's good experience for her. My Mom never let us help with anything. I get it. I'm a control freak too. But sometimes I relinquish control to make Michelle happy.</div>
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Michelle and I did crafts together. She received a few craft kits for Christmas and wanted me to work on them with her. I helped her with some light up bracelet crafts. After we made them she wanted to have a dance party/light show. We waited until it was dark enough and then we danced around. We laughed at the swirling lights in the mirror. I got the idea to try to photograph the light. I was amazed with the results. It was so cool. You could see the movement of the light like strokes of a paintbrush. Sometimes I find my playful side in spite of myself. If there's a photo op in it that's what makes me happiest. Michelle and I had a blast dancing with light and capturing it on camera. "Cool, Mama!"</div>
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I knew that the following week I would barely see Michelle at all so I wanted to make the most of our time together. Whatever she wanted to play, I was game -- crafts, dolls, hide and seek, tag, ball, board games, role play. One of the games she got for Christmas, Connect 4 (like Tic Tac Toe but with 4 in a row) became her favourite game and she wanted to play it OVER AND OVER AND OVER. It was trying my patience but it made her happy. And I sat and watched as Michelle performed improvised dances and songs for me (singing off key at the top of her lungs). I clapped and cheered encouragingly. Even when I had a headache and would have given anything for a bit of silence.<br />
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I was grateful to have so much time with Michelle but it didn't exactly feel like a vacation. It was exhausting in its own way. And I felt guilty when she wanted to play and I had to cook, clean and do laundry. I had to remind her that I'm one person. There is no other parent to help with chores. It's easier with two parents. They can share the work (theoretically -- though from what I've heard the lion's share of the burden normally falls on Mom even when there's a Dad in the picture.) I'm it. I have to do everything. And I can't always play.<br />
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And sometimes when Michelle would fall asleep, I would sit and cry. I was drained, dead tired and didn't know how I'd keep going. Except to just keep going.<br />
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At least Michelle appreciated my efforts. She made me this. We are hearts and we even have hair! It was so cute I laughed and cried all at once. She always writes "You are the best Mama in the world" (or wrold -- but hey she's trying!) I'm not of course. Far from it. But I try to be. She is everything to me. She is #1 on my list. But it isn't easy. Work and Michelle (in very different ways) were taking so much out of me that it felt like there was nothing left for myself. Self-care was non-existent. I wasn't sleeping, eating properly. I didn't exercise. I didn't have time to myself for hobbies (aside from grabbing a couple of minutes here and there on Twitter or on Blogger -- while Michelle was off school I felt too guilty even for that most of the time.) It was like I had two demanding full-time jobs. It didn't leave any down time, recovery time or "me time." Even my vacation was exhausting. Michelle can entertain herself and play independently and sometimes she does. But without siblings to play with, she looks to me. And I have a hard time saying no. So I'm the Mom and the sister/friend and the provider and everything.<br />
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Each day I would ask Michelle what she wanted to do and we did it. As a kid it always felt like the answer was "No." Everything I wanted, everything I asked for, Mom's answer was "No." So now with Michelle, to the degree that I can, I try to always say yes. Some days she wanted to stay home and play. When there was snow she wanted to play in it. She wanted me to pull her on the sled. Beast of burden that I am I pulled her around in circles while she giggled with delight. Out of breath and with a pain in my chest I finally collapsed on the snow and made a snow angel.<br />
Michelle laughed.<br />
"You remember how to call 9-1-1 if you need to, right?" I joked, "like if Mama can't get up..."<br />
She laughed mercilessly and asked me to pull her on the sled again. "AGAIN, Mama!"<br />
"Mama can't breathe," I said, huffing and puffing.<br />
She laughed and threw snow at me.<br />
"I feel the love!" I said. And then I pulled her again. Because I'm a sucker.<br />
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Michelle is the Princess and she rules the roost. I am just her minion, her mule, following her orders, doing everything I can to keep her happy. Of course there were some wishes that are beyond my power to grant. Michelle wanted a sister. Her doll Sara seemed to fill the role. Michelle wanted to take Sara everywhere, to dress her up. We didn't have a winter coat but we found a jacket and scarf and some clear rubber boots. She went with us on car trips. One day Michelle wanted to go to the indoor playground. She asked to bring Sara inside but I told her she wouldn't be able to run and play and climb with Sara in her arms and she was too big to fit in my purse.<br />
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Michelle always has a blast at the playground. I figure it's a good way to run off some of that boundless energy (though it never really tires her out the way I think/hope it will.) I'm happy to snap photos of her having fun. And it gives me a few moments at least to sit and relax while she plays. I can never completely relax though. I'm always watching for her. If she's out of sight for a few moments I start to panic and search. There are a few blind spots in the upper level of the playground. I'm not a fan of not being able to see her out in public. Other parents don't seem to worry and are glued to their cellphones -- texting, surfing or whatever it is they do -- oblivious to where their kids are. Sometimes a child will cry and it takes a long time for their parent to even notice/find them. There is a lot of crying, screaming and general mayhem inside the playground. It's crowded and chaotic. It's LOUD. Sometimes you can sort of tune it out like high decibel white noise. Other days the din hits you between the eyes. Girls can really scream. Sometimes the boys' screams are even more shrill. You put 50 of them in a room together running amok and it's an ear-splitting unholy mess. Not exactly relaxing.<br />
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At one point I panicked. I couldn't find Michelle. My nerves were already pretty fried so it was the last thing I needed. I started eye-balling the exit, scanning faces. What if someone took her? I had taught her of course to never go off with a stranger but would she pass the test in real life? What if someone said "I have kittens!" and lured her to his white van?! Sometimes I'd see a borderline sketchy-looking man skulking around and felt uncomfortable (was he really a dad? Yes they don't let you in unless you're with a kid but still...) What if...? My heart was pounding. I kept pacing back and forth checking everywhere for her. She wasn't on the slides or the ropes or in the ball area. I had told her we had to leave soon. Now I couldn't find her. There were a couple of climbing areas that were covered so you couldn't see the kids inside (I always hated that!) Maybe she was in one of them? I didn't want to have to go climbing/crawling up inside there but I was almost at that point. My stomach was churning. My eye was twitching. I started calling her name desperately "Michelle! Michelle!" Just as I was about to have a complete panic/heart attack, she emerged laughing. She had been hiding. A wave of relief washed over me. Then anger. She had put me through this purposely?! But she probably didn't realize how much it would affect me. No way she could know. Mama is already hanging by less than a thread. for the love of God don't ADD to my stress!<br />
"That wasn't funny. Remember if I can't SEE you I can't SAVE you! You scared Mama to death. Don't EVER do that again."<br />
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FooEHiB94HU/WpRbsr0ZRYI/AAAAAAAARPs/2AM1m027WV8P6r_NZZYLuKOCXaZqS09jgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4851.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1150" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FooEHiB94HU/WpRbsr0ZRYI/AAAAAAAARPs/2AM1m027WV8P6r_NZZYLuKOCXaZqS09jgCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN4851.JPG" width="143" /></a>"Sorry Mama."<br />
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So while that trip to the playground was loads of fun for her, it was pretty much a trip through Hell for me.<br />
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I wish I wasn't a worrier. I wish I didn't panic over everything. I'm a control freak and there are so many things beyond my control. Michelle matters more to me than my own life. Sometimes I wish I could be like the laid back parents that don't seem to worry at all, that just chill out, playing on their cellphone, paying no attention to where their kids are, trusting that they're probably OK. That probably no one is kidnapping them. They don't have to hover and watch over their kids. Some people drop off their kids for a birthday party in a chaotic public place like the playground, leaving their kids running amok with dozens of other kids, while the only supervising parent isn't even watching because they are busy setting up balloons and cake and everything in a side room. I've often wondered how they do it. I can't imagine. If I was responsible for 20 kids at a party I'd be watching them all like a hawk. I'd probably want to put bells on them. I don't know how you'd keep track. I had a hard time just keeping track of a few kids when I volunteered at a school trip. Or maybe they don't even try to watch them. They just trust the universe. (Don't they watch the news?!) Everyone seems so chill. They just go about their business. No one worries. But I'm not laid back. I'm not chill. I'm me. And I worry. Bad things happen all the time. Nowadays more than ever. The world has gone to hell if you haven't noticed! Some tragedies you can't prevent, but others, if you're vigilant, you hopefully can. I can't take the chance. There were times in my life that I threw caution to the wind (though admittedly not very often!) With Michelle I just can't do it. I am overly cautious, overprotective. I don't know how else to be. I don't want to stifle her to the point where she can't even have fun. But each time I have to let go a little I worry. I need boundaries. I need to know she's safe. Yes I'm a helicopter parent. If you have smothering on one end of the spectrum and negligence on the other, frankly, I'll err toward sMOTHERING! (Yes if you notice, most of the word smothering is actually MOTHERING whereas negligence has NO mothering in it at all! So guess which end of the spectrum I choose to be on?! Of course somewhere in the middle would probably be closer to ideal but that's beside the point.) As a Mama, it's instinctual to protect your young. Isn't that natural? There's a quote -- "God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers." Rudyard Kipling<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fn3MGZqDHKA/WpRcomxRkpI/AAAAAAAARQU/SElge8xUUH0GQca4sr-Lq1nXQ_QKlR5fgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4855.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1380" data-original-width="1121" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fn3MGZqDHKA/WpRcomxRkpI/AAAAAAAARQU/SElge8xUUH0GQca4sr-Lq1nXQ_QKlR5fgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4855.JPG" width="259" /></a>I told Michelle that I was going to choose the next outing and it was going to be somewhere I could have eyes on her at all times, something TRANQUIL, beautiful and calming for a change: the Butterfly Conservatory. She was psyched because she loves going there too. To me, it's one of the most beautiful places and when it's mid-winter and the days are mostly cold, grey, bleak and barren, beauty is often in short supply! I feel like beauty is as much a necessity as air, food, water, shelter. Focusing on the ugliness of life (horrors in the news etc) is toxic mentally and physically. Beauty soothes the soul...<br />
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As you can see, we dressed for the occasion -- she in a butterfly dress and me in a butterfly shirt because yes I'm a total nerd! I can own that. My penchant for "theme dressing" is not going anywhere. Not as long as I'm a photoholic anyway! (Which will be ALWAYS! I can't see myself one day going "Naw...I'm not taking anymore pictures. I'm done!" Not a snowball's chance in Hell.)<br />
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Going from the extreme cold outside to extreme heat and humidity inside (it's a jungle in there!) made my camera lens fog up and it was a long time before it acclimatized. So the first batch of photos I took had this haze that almost looks like a filter. It is not.<br />
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In retrospect a little haze may not be a bad thing. Especially when you're taking an awkward selfie (always too close for comfort I think!) At least I managed to capture this shot of Michelle with a butterfly on her shoulder, next to me! And sort of smiling to boot! I'll take it!<br />
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Aside from the fog/haze I had my scratched lens to deal with (which tends to refract sunlight and make ghosts appear mid-frame.) I really should get a new camera but I'm resistant to change (also the expense is a deterrent! Still holding on to my old Nikon for now!)<br />
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Michelle was always thrilled when a butterfly would perch on her. I saw some kids flailing and trying to avoid the butterflies (which begs the question -- WHAT THE WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT A BUTTERFLY CONSERVATORY IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF BUTTERFLIES?! That's just bad planning. Or bad parenting. One of the two. You'd think parents would consult the kids before going on an outing that will traumatize them. I mean you will NEVER catch me at a Scorpion Conservatory! Not that such a thing exists. Nor should it! They are creepy as Hell! Strangely enough I dated two Scorpios and they were both alternately dreamy and creepy in their own ways. I'm grateful about the last one especially though. Without him I wouldn't have my girl. So Yay Scorpios! Even if you are partially evil. I'm sort of kidding. But not. My Mom is a Scorpio too...This whole paragraph was a weird tangent...Sorry about that!) In any event I don't know how anyone can be afraid of butterflies. They're so beautiful!<br />
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I love Michelle's sweet (if somewhat forced) smile here! She walked around for quite a while with her black and yellow friend and then I saw a photo op (a bench where I could sit the camera for a self-timed pic and no photobombers within a 10 second radius...This is not easy, let me tell you!)<br />
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I just wish Michelle had angled her hand so that you could see the butterfly better but you can't have everything. A couple of people commented on her butterfly dress and the fact that she seemed to attract butterflies like a magnet while others struggled to get even one to land on them. Michelle loved the attention and felt quite special, like a magical butterfly fairy.<br />
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Eventually if her winged friends didn't fly away on their own she'd put them on one of the food stations to have a snack. (Fruit and sponges soaked in nectar.)<br />
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So many times I had tried to get a good macro of a Blue Morpho but they so rarely open their gorgeous blue wings to give you a proper shot. This one was POSING! At first I thought it couldn't be real. It was just too perfect, posing on the giant plastic snowflake -- like a perfect juxtaposition of Winter and Spring. Others stopped to photograph it as well and debated whether it was real or not, until it moved and we knew for sure. Thank you for your cooperation, gorgeous! The Blue Morpho is by far my favourite butterfly.<br />
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And then, my dream come true -- a Blue Morpho (the belle of the ball, the most beautiful butterfly of all) was ON MICHELLE'S SHOULDER and even OPENING ITS WINGS!<br />
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If only Michelle had been looking at the camera and smiling instead of awkwardly avoiding it but I know it can't be easy being a photoholic's kid and constantly having a camera in your face! I can almost see the thought bubble above her head "Oh Mama, COME ON!" At least she knows by now that it's non-negotiable and she might as well just learn to live with it. She's pretty cooperative/indulgent with me for the most part. I wish I'd just taken pictures of her without trying to get myself into the shot because I just look like a dufus!<br />
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I LOVE Michelle's artwork and I never tire of her sweet love letters. She's always saying I'm the best Mama in the world. As though she's met all the mothers out there to know. It may not be true but I try my best and I'll take it! I've made so many sacrifices for Michelle. I always try to put her first, even when it means putting myself dead last. I don't feel like I have a choice. It's all about her now. It has been since the moment I found out I was pregnant.<br />
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Movies are a great escape from your own stressful reality. When I heard there was going to be a movie about a bull (Ferdinand), I was really psyched. (I'm a Taurus so the bull has a special place in my heart!)<br />
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It was a sweet, funny, completely adorable film and we both loved it! Ferdinand is an exceptional bull, despite his brute strength, he is a softie inside -- kind, sensitive, sweet and drawn to beauty. He loves flowers. He isn't violent. He doesn't want to fight, even though it's supposed to be his destiny. It's a beautiful message -- to be who you are MEANT to be, rather than just falling into the trap of doing what's EXPECTED of you. You have to follow your bliss. Also it showed how barbaric and cruel bull-fighting is. The bull isn't the villain. It's the matador and the cruel treatment of the animal that makes him seem like a raging monster. Bull-fighting should be banned (if it hasn't been already...) I could relate to Ferdinand. I'm a Taurus who also prefers to stop and smell the flowers when it's an option.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IS4L8vAhZV4/WpReXPNf3pI/AAAAAAAARTc/ckuVJRGtYIcsJh7_UarM1WKS1cr-upFZgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4984.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1202" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IS4L8vAhZV4/WpReXPNf3pI/AAAAAAAARTc/ckuVJRGtYIcsJh7_UarM1WKS1cr-upFZgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4984.JPG" width="240" /></a><br />
While escapism is nice, of course it doesn't last. You have those hours in the dark, caught up in this beautiful, magical make believe world. Then the movie ends, you leave the theatre and face the cold air outside, jolting you back into the real world. It was great spending time with Michelle and having fun doing things to distract me from the difficult realities in my life. But the week ended. Reality was waiting for me to face it. And it was back with a vengeance. The second week of January I was back to work and it was even more difficult than I'd feared. An 80 hour week made me tired just thinking about it. I wasn't sure how I was actually going to do it. I went from seeing Michelle every day to barely seeing her at all. I was basically working and traveling every single day. We didn't even have one day back at home before we were off again. I was barely home long enough to throw in some laundry and re-pack our bags. It was nuts.<br />
"I miss being home," Michelle said to me.<br />
"Me too," I said.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z8D2YpNv2Gs/WpRg411Pl0I/AAAAAAAART0/ga0-AJp5PtwkmoEgK0yydC8FtqhJo6LFACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4986.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1264" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z8D2YpNv2Gs/WpRg411Pl0I/AAAAAAAART0/ga0-AJp5PtwkmoEgK0yydC8FtqhJo6LFACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4986.JPG" width="251" /></a>While I knew that it was going to be a tough week, I didn't expect to already be breaking down on TUESDAY. It was just too much going from a week off to a 16 hour day on no sleep. And it was a bad day (night) at that. Monday night I made it through the shift (somehow) but by morning I was so beyond depleted that I felt like I was going to throw up. And I still had to drive TWO HOURS. Like a zombie with red eyes, my head pounding, dizzy and slurring my words (like being impaired by sleep -- is that legal? It's not alcohol but the effect is almost the same -- slurred speech, cloudy head. Still how can you help being tired when you work long shifts and drive for hours? What could I do? What I DID do is roll down the window, blast music, drink caffeine and force my eyeballs open!) An hour to pick up Michelle, get her out of bed at my Mom's, drive another hour back home, pack her lunch, get her breakfast and off to school. When I finally dropped her off I was so relieved I thought I would just fall into bed and sleep instantly. (For a whopping 4 hours tops before I had to get up to get Michelle and go work my next shift...) Instead I sat down on the couch and cried. The cat came over to comfort me but she got scared and ran away when my sobbing was inconsolable. Sometimes I would cry from sheer exhaustion but this was different. I was completely spent. I didn't know how I'd get through another night shift and the rest of the week. I felt trapped and I didn't know what to do. And I kept thinking "I should be sleeping now. I only have 4 hours -- make that 3 now-- max to sleep as it is....Before I have to pick up Michelle from school (early) and drive 2-3 hours in bad traffic and go through it all again..."<br />
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I needed help. I had appointments set up with the psychologist but they didn't start until later in the month. I needed help NOW. I needed a calm voice to tell me it was going to be OK somehow (whether or not that was true.) I tried to reach my sister and couldn't get her. Then I reached out to a counseling service through my work (I'm in a stressful field so they have a help line you can call if needed.) I called and got a very nice counselor within minutes.<br />
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I just cried and cried and told her what I was going through. My schedule was nuts. No one could do it without falling apart. I needed to find a solution because this was not sustainable. It was inhumane. The counselor suggested I take some time off. I told her I wasn't sure that was an option. She said I had to make some decisions and changes but in my fragile state any decision I made likely wouldn't be a good one. She suggested I see my doctor ASAP and get some time off to relax and heal because I was BEYOND BURNED OUT. Stress was breaking me down mentally and physically. I'd already been diagnosed with Traumatic Mental Stress as a result of my job in November. I probably shouldn't have been working period, never mind a crazy 80 hour week but I just kept pushing myself thinking. "Just get through the day. Just get through the week." I didn't know what else to do. Back in October my doctor wanted me to take at least a couple of weeks (if not months) off but I didn't want to burn through all my sick time. I didn't think it was an option. I settled for a week off. It wasn't enough. I just kept pushing myself. It's like the law of inertia -- an object in motion tends to stay in motion. I was so used to just going and going, I didn't know how to stop. But I definitely needed to slow down.<br />
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The counselor had helped. Just having a detached observer acknowledge that I was in an impossible situation and making a valiant effort, was comforting. Just having a calm, caring voice on the other end of the phone was a huge help. Somehow it would be OK. I had to take better care of myself. Several people HAD been telling me that. There just wasn't time. With my tears drying, I managed to grab a couple hours of sleep before work. I made it through the night. Sleep deprived as usual. At least my boss was letting me off early because I had to be up early the next morning to come in ON MY DAY OFF. Unfortunately those extra hours didn't help. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just lay there and lay there. I couldn't stop thinking, worrying, spinning, trying to figure out what on Earth I was going to do because sure what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but WHAT IF IT KILLS YOU?! And I had to be there for my little girl.<br />
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Getting up early in the morning on your day off and after nightshift, and on about half an hour of sleep if that, is less than ideal. I was mostly a zombie. Luckily the day itself wasn't too bad. I actually met some very nice people who were somewhat sympathetic to my situation. Unfortunately I didn't get to work with them and probably wouldn't see them again. It was a pleasant experience. Unfortunately the timing was terrible. Another day of no sleep during my most hectic week. Another day of commuting for hours. Now I wouldn't even have one day off.<br />
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The job itself has always been stressful but one thing that has made it tougher the last several years (aside from the world going to Hell in a handbasket!) is not having a social network. Once upon a time, when I started in the field I was in a very large organization where I managed to find a pocket of like-minded, quirky girls to bond with. I had a network, a social life outside of work that made work more bearable. Also being single, being a night owl was an option. I could be up all night and sleep all day. The weird hours appealed to me. (It all changed as a single Mom -- I got no sleep day or night it seemed. The commute made it worse.) Since transferring to a smaller organization I've never really fit in. I've always been the outsider, never really bonded with anyone. I used to at least have boyfriends and a network outside of work. For a while I was part of the music community, playing music regularly, bonding with other songwriters. It gave me an outlet.<br />
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These days I had no social life, no time for art, music or any of the things that used to bring me peace. I was either working (in a difficult job) or taking care of my daughter (on my own.) Two full-time jobs without a break. Without sleep, or exercise or any form of self-care. No time for me. As a single Mom I felt even more isolated, at work and everywhere. No one really gets it or can relate. Even other single Moms don't really understand or sympathize with my situation. Sometimes they just lecture me: "Why don't you just GET A BABYSITTER nearby?" or "Just move!" Just this or that. Just disregard all of my anxieties, fears, values and put my daughter's life in jeopardy. Nope. Michelle is more important to me than my own life. Yes I got myself into an unbearable, impossible situation with a hellish commute etc but it was for my child's sake. To live in a safe neighbourhood I could afford. To have her with family because I don't trust a stranger with my child for an entire day at a time. I just can't do it. I hate when people dictate that you live your life the way that they live theirs. Even when their situation was entirely different. Even when their values and temperament are the polar opposite of yours. Yes my situation was a disaster but it was the best I could come up with. Michelle is everything to me. She comes first. Even if it means I come dead last.<br />
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There were things beyond my control. I didn't ask for my hours to be doubled at the start of 2017. Financially it was a godsend but in every other way it was destroying me. More money isn't worth my physical and mental health. Plus I felt guilty for leaving Michelle so much. I felt pressured to be the best Mom, pressured to keep doing my job even as it killed me. I was drained, depleted and couldn't see a way out. And it kept going from bad to worse. The world became more messed up. My job became even more stressful and I was running on less than empty. Most people have a spouse/partner's shoulder to cry on after a bad day, or a circle of friends to go drinking with. I was on my own. And I don't even drink. (Yes, I was sober dealing with that shit!) I was falling apart and still trying to hold it together for Michelle's sake. But I was in shambles.<br />
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I didn't know it at the time but the last straw was coming... It had been a long time coming. It's tough when you're struggling and there aren't many (or ANY) sympathetic ears around. No one really understood or cared what I was going through and no one had my (overburdened, breaking) back. Even knowing I'd have a two hour commute at the end of my shift and was so tired I could die, somehow I was always the last person to be relieved. Every. Single. Time. It was like a slap in the face. Everyone else would go home and I'd still be sitting waiting. You'd think someone would take pity on me once in a while. You'd think someone would accidentally let me go home first so I could embark on my grueling TWO HOUR hour commute rather than relieve someone with a ten minute commute. But no. Maybe it wasn't intentional. Maybe it was just luck of the draw/Murphy's Law. But it hurt more than I could say. It was a slap in the face. No one gave a damn what I was going through. They probably figured it was my own fault anyway. And I get it. Why would they have my back? I never really fit in there. I'm not one of them. No one could relate to me. The only thing more stressful than the job itself, and the commute and all that I was going through was going through it all ALONE. No one to vent to, to roll my eyes at mid-day. To laugh with over coffee (iced capp in my case.) To comfort, to sympathize, to ease the burden. Not having an ally, a confidante, someone who understood. I missed having the camaraderie of co-workers on my wavelength (like I used to a long long time ago.) It's hard and it's lonely feeling like a square peg in a round hole, knowing you'll never fit in. To always feel you don't belong. To always be misunderstood. And to be alone to deal with it all.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QTrkbSwMNCQ/WpRkq0s2U9I/AAAAAAAARYw/kac1AXvzEq0oW5CBjHIwapm5m6nXhRfIwCLcBGAs/s1600/camel%2Bstraw%2Bbreaking%2Bback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="660" data-original-width="567" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QTrkbSwMNCQ/WpRkq0s2U9I/AAAAAAAARYw/kac1AXvzEq0oW5CBjHIwapm5m6nXhRfIwCLcBGAs/s320/camel%2Bstraw%2Bbreaking%2Bback.jpg" width="274" /></a>It was a rough week to say the least. Somehow I survived it. One day, one hour at a time. Then the weekend came. Day shifts this time. Night shifts are Hell on earth but day shifts are somehow even worse. On a day shift I have to stay over at my Mom's on an uncomfortable fold out bed. I usually get no sleep or maybe 1 hour tops. I get up at 4 am to get ready for work then drive an hour, work 12 hours and drive another hour (or two if it's my last one and I'm heading home.) Sometimes by the second or third dayshift I am so exhausted I could die and I collapse at 8 pm. Other times I'm not so lucky and as sleepy as I am I still lie there and lie there worrying, spinning, thinking an endless stream of thoughts from the mundane to the terrible. From past regrets to future fears. Sometimes I would get up and watch CNN in the wee hours (because that's SO SOOTHING! At least I'd get a few laughs out of Trump's ridiculous antics. At this writing he STILL hasn't been impeached and I can't believe it but I try not to follow it anymore. I have enough of my own worries without paying attention to American politics.) Or I'd write a song or poem. Or draw. But most of the time I would just LAY THERE. Trying to relax (which ironically becomes more unattainable the harder you try!) I would try to meditate. To breathe mindfully. Nope. I would just spin and spin and spin. There was so much fear, anxiety, anger, confusion, frustration. Thinking about my job and my life and the state of the world in general would sometimes induce a full-on panic attack. "What am I going to do?" "What are WE going to do? As a people? As a planet?" The world is falling apart. It made me feel helpless. I couldn't ignore it but I couldn't really do anything about it either.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rE4WyMGwbIk/WpRkqvrJpKI/AAAAAAAARYs/RhICnTSGE3AmDET7Mq6gfyj_qf9NZqDJgCLcBGAs/s1600/Camel%2Bstraw%2Bcomic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="541" height="159" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rE4WyMGwbIk/WpRkqvrJpKI/AAAAAAAARYs/RhICnTSGE3AmDET7Mq6gfyj_qf9NZqDJgCLcBGAs/s320/Camel%2Bstraw%2Bcomic.jpg" width="320" /></a>My job didn't help. The world really seemed to be crumbling around me, even more so than usual and I unfortunately had a front row seat for it. Without saying where I work (because I never do. Not online. Have to keep some level of anonymity/mystery when I reveal so much about myself and my life!) it's a very stressful occupation. It goes way beyond multi-tasking in a fast-paced environment. Sometimes it's like a living horror movie. There are a number of careers with an enormous amount of responsibility (where peoples' lives are at stake) and consequently a great deal of stress -- the military, health care, emergency services (police, fire and ambulance) to name a few. A number of careers where you deal with the dark side of humanity -- the angst, the anger and the anguish -- on a daily basis. There was a line on a TV drama (Fox's 9-1-1) where the protagonist says "It takes a certain kind of person to swim in the pain of the world and not get wet." Unfortunately I'm not that kind of person. I get wet. I was drowning. You take in so much negativity, constantly, from the trivial to the tragic and it's almost impossible to stay positive. It wears you down. Some people seem to be immune to it. I'm not one of them.<br />
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I still care. I still feel. It gets to me. Even after all these years. I'm not bullet-proof. I'm not desensitized. It still affects me. I'm not one of the adrenaline junkies drawn toward danger. I'd prefer it if life were perfect and nothing ever went wrong! To constantly face the dark side of humanity, to be surrounded by negativity, to deal with terrible, stressful things from minor annoyances to disturbing horrors, wore on me more than I could explain. It had for years but it had gotten worse lately. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, the increase in hours, the lack of a partner (I used to have a boyfriend to come home to. Now I have Michelle but I can't burden her with grown up problems or talk about the horrors I face in my work. Instead I always try to put a smile on for her sake, which is even more draining) or a combination of everything that made me feel more fragile but my burden felt much greater. It wasn't like the weight of the world fell on me on a single day, it was more cumulative. Day by day, piece by piece. Chipping away. Breaking me down.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ndijXgdeE5k/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ndijXgdeE5k?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>I remember the interview scene in the movie "The Incredibles" where Mr. Incredible says "Sometimes I wish the world would just STAY SAVED!" You try to help people, to make a difference in some small way every day. But it's like you don't make any difference. No matter what you do, the world is still broken. The job is never done. The world is never saved. Nothing is ever resolved. Your inbox is never empty. It's relentless and soul destroying. No closure. No resolution. No end. Just more. And more. Same shit, different piles. Different shit, different piles. So much shit. Sometimes it feels like there's nothing you can do. It's futile and frustrating. It makes you feel hopeless, helpless. And the worse the world gets, the harder it is. When you're someone who likes to have things resolved, to have all their ducks in a row, that likes to have order and control it is beyond discouraging and defeating to be inundated, surrounded by chaos that you can't even get a handle on. It's just one thing after another. Never knowing what's coming next that may be even worse, your worst nightmare. A happy ending once in a while, a good day, when things run smoothly, when a supervisor gives you a pat on the back and says what a great job you did, when you feel like you made a bit of a difference -- can be so empowering. But the rest of the time you feel overwhelmed. It seems futile. With limited resources to try to solve infinite problems, you're set up to fail. It chips away at you. An endless stream of troubles to deal with (most of which can't be settled), each one worse than the last. And you have more bad days than good and when you're on no sleep you're so fragile that every setback, every issue feels heavier. It crushes you.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pPvd98bVjeI/Wsue1Im4n5I/AAAAAAAARnI/_hRiC3blyGcrfq_3yzbbipxPrnODzhmdwCLcBGAs/s1600/Sisyphus%2Bvs%2BAtlas.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="480" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pPvd98bVjeI/Wsue1Im4n5I/AAAAAAAARnI/_hRiC3blyGcrfq_3yzbbipxPrnODzhmdwCLcBGAs/s320/Sisyphus%2Bvs%2BAtlas.png" width="320" /></a>I admire the men and women who bravely try to save the world every day. To keep doing it without falling apart it seems you have to be Superhuman or a Saint. If you're made of steel and nothing gets to you, you can just keep trying to rescue and recover the broken world, asking nothing in return, never having a moment of weakness. If you're a martyr you're willing to give your life for others, never losing patience, never complaining how hard it was even as it destroys you. But I am definitely NOT Superman or Mother Teresa, just a (VERY) flawed human being, and a sensitive one at that (more than the average person!) So IT GETS TO ME. It had been GETTING TO ME for a long time. I managed to muddle through but it was taking a toll. More and more each day. I was running on less than empty. I was past my breaking point. How could I help anyone else when I needed help myself?! It gets to the point where you feel utterly futile -- like Sisyphus, knocking yourself out to roll a massive boulder up the hill just to have it roll back down again. Day after day after day. Or like Atlas carrying the weight of the friggin world every day, without a break...<br />
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Everything was weighing on me now. Even the smallest things -- the oppressively loud white noise of the fan that goes constantly. The overhead lights (which suddenly people had on day and night so you were working 12 hours under harsh fluorescent lights like a Walmart at mid-day until you had a blinding tension headache and your eyes felt like they were being gouged out with a spoon.) Constant stress -- from minor annoyances to major incidents. The endless inbox. The conflicts without resolution. The perpetual negativity. All while sleep deprived, stomach churning, eye twitching, anxious, miserable, burned out. Not to mention the long grueling commute to and from your stressful job. Somehow I made it to Sunday. I was almost done my impossible 80 hour week! Woo hoo! Then I'd have a couple of days off. I thought I was home free. But Sunday broke me. And I was already broken. It was a bad day. It wasn't the worst day ever. Not by a long shot. It was just the last day of a very bad week. It was just THE LAST STRAW (after a LOT of straws...)</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_3OgXFmrn58/WpRkrkj4Z4I/AAAAAAAARY0/7QAzHxalMEEV5o_XAtyaRiFHzd-3HM39QCLcBGAs/s1600/camel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="275" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_3OgXFmrn58/WpRkrkj4Z4I/AAAAAAAARY0/7QAzHxalMEEV5o_XAtyaRiFHzd-3HM39QCLcBGAs/s1600/camel.jpg" /></a>The expression "The straw that broke the camel's back" makes the camel sound like a lightweight. It is not. Camels are BAD ASS. A camel can carry close to 1000 lbs. It can walk 120 miles a day and go 6-7 months without water. They are designed to endure A LOT for a LONG TIME. Their hump of fat provides fuel so that they can go without water. Eventually the hump starts to slump (I wonder if Dr. Seuss used that one!) Now I'm not saying that I'm a camel, exactly. My hump didn't slump (though I did get a lump in my breast I had to have removed and I'm sure stress was a major factor if not the sole cause!) But I went a VERY long time working in difficult conditions until the last straw broke my back.<br />
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It's not "the last straw" that actually breaks the camel's back of course. It's the ACCUMULATION of all the straws. It's that you are already overburdened and they just keep PILING IT ON. And you don't matter to them. No one worries about you. No one has your back. You're just a chump. So they carelessly, thoughtlessly, ruthlessly drop that last little straw on you, thinking you can take it because you're just a beast of burden and a glutton for punishment anyway, right?! You're already carrying 1000 pounds and the weight of the God damned world, right?! You've gone this long, right?! You've been doing this forever and you survived it, right?! But NO. Not today. On this particular day, after this particular week, after that particular year that you've endured, after the overwhelming stress, after the mental and physical torture (sleep deprivation is a form of torture by the way, just ask the CIA!) that you've suffered, that seemingly trivial/simple/stupid /inconsequential but so ill-timed event/comment/altercation/bad day is just <b>THE LAST FUCKING STRAW</b> and you snap. Cumulative stress will continue to weigh on you, getting heavier and heavier until it finally breaks you.<br />
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And suddenly you just think "FUCK THIS SHIT!" Fuck. This. SHIT! I try not to swear online, but NOTHING quite conveys utter frustration like expletives. FUCK THIS SHIT! As in: ENOUGH IS E-FUCKING-NOUGH! As in I just can't fucking do this anymore! And NOBODY CARES. Like you could drop down dead on the floor and they'd just step over you. And call you weak. And just find another camel. No one was going to sympathize. And why on Earth was I killing myself for these people who didn't even give a damn about me? Why did I keep pushing myself for a job that was quite literally killing me? <b>I have a little girl who loves and needs me and I'm all she has.</b> Letting my job kill me (it sure wasn't making me stronger!) was NOT an option. I couldn't go on like this. I wouldn't go on like this.<br />
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I'd been joking about "having a nervous breakdown" for months. Except it wasn't a joke. I was coming apart at the seams. The stress of the job and the world and my life situation and everything was just breaking me down. I thought of the poem "Not waving but drowning." I hadn't even been subtle about how fucked up I was. I had burst into tears at work. I was dropping F bombs. I had no filter. I was lashing out. I was snapping. I was losing it. But it was like no one noticed or cared.<br />
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Mind you my boss had known for months I was having a rough time. In fairness he did reach out a few times. He asked if there was anything he could do. If I was smart (which clearly I'm NOT!) I should have asked for TIME OFF. That was what I really needed but I just kept thinking it wasn't an option. So sometimes he just let me vent for a couple of minutes in his office and yell or cry before returning to my desk.<br />
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Or sometimes he brought ice cream on a particularly horrific day (which was surreal in a way but I can't say no to ice cream on any occasion!) It wasn't his fault. He didn't know what else to do. He didn't even realize when he was piling more straws on me. And neither of us knew when the last one would break me (though I knew I was already all kinds of broken!) And at least he'd ask how I was. Of course he wasn't always there. Supervisors don't work 24 hours a day even if the rest of us do. Most people really didn't care how I was. They were probably afraid to ask for fear that I'd give an honest answer: "Hanging by a fucking thread...How are you?" There was a time when someone could ask how I was and I'd answer "Fine thank you. How are you?" without a hint of irony but that ship had SAILED. Most of the time I'd just censor myself by saying "TIRED." How am I? Tired and miserable and severely stressed out and fucking bone tired and almost dead and fucking overwhelmed and fucking falling apart and trapped and can't see a way out but at least I get to work a fucking 16 hour shift in an unholy nightmare on no fucking sleep over and over and over again. Not that anyone remotely gave a damn.</div>
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So to make a long story short (too late!) Sunday was a shitty day. (In a couple of ways: My IBS was having a field day too which helped immensely. Because when your nerves are already shot you might as well have explosive diarrhea to boot! I love my life!) Still I got through the shift (yes that's shift with an f. But yes I got through the shit too!) (Mostly.) Without primal screaming (though I REALLY had to hold myself back. I was trembling with rage.) Without going postal. Without causing too much of a scene. (It helps to have my own private box/cubicle to hide clenched fists, rolling eyes, eye twitches, profuse sweating etc.)<br />
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Looking at "Fuck this Shit" memes got me through the day. That was my camaraderie. That was my ally. It helped just knowing that I wasn't alone -- that maybe someone else somewhere had felt this frustrated, angry, desperate, at the end of their rope too and had created these little memes to express it.<br />
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It was therapeutic. I was mad. I was fed up. I was beyond mad and fed up. I thought of that line from the movie "Network" (which I've never seen except for that clip): "I'm as mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" And the day finally ended and I breathed a heavy sigh as I walked to my car. I got in and I was shaking. All the tears and rage that had been bottled up came out. My shoulders heaving. Tears streaming down my face. (Driving while impaired by crying, also not illegal but not advisable either.) And I drove and I cried and I raged and I drove and I cried and I thought "Yup. I've got to see my doctor. And if she tells me to take a couple of weeks off (or a couple of months, years, millennia!) I'm BLOODY WELL TAKING IT!" Fuck. This. Shit.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3Vt6DWGIFUE/WrHixWi3SnI/AAAAAAAARZk/KwiAs1J5124vP1R0VlR7Vj0mrHW_1daGwCLcBGAs/s1600/stress%2Bcartoon.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="579" data-original-width="487" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3Vt6DWGIFUE/WrHixWi3SnI/AAAAAAAARZk/KwiAs1J5124vP1R0VlR7Vj0mrHW_1daGwCLcBGAs/s320/stress%2Bcartoon.gif" width="269" /></a>So I went to see my doctor. And I was a mess. I was bawling uncontrollably. I was babbling like a lunatic. I was worse than I had been in her office back in October. I was MORE BROKEN. (I used to think you couldn't be more broken. Like when you're late you can't be MORE LATE. But I was wrong. You can be more late. You can be more broken. Much much more.) I told her what I'd been through. And thankfully my doctor insisted I take a medical leave to rest, de-stress and take care of myself. And I didn't fight her this time. I didn't know the logistics of it (I couldn't afford not to get paid but it also wasn't worth my life and sanity to keep pushing myself. I was in no state to do the job. I needed to get well no matter the cost.) I just knew that I needed time. Luckily because they'd already determined my stress was work-related I was covered. I needed time to heal. Everyone seemed to agree on that.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VcoJumXKN9w/WpRhiZ9txYI/AAAAAAAARUc/p8ZxYbBlsewCaBedtI9lqTtf9ZGN0GuWQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4992.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1069" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VcoJumXKN9w/WpRhiZ9txYI/AAAAAAAARUc/p8ZxYbBlsewCaBedtI9lqTtf9ZGN0GuWQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4992.JPG" width="213" /></a>It's one thing to say that you SHOULD get more rest, exercise and find your happy place. It's quite another when it's actually doctor's orders. I was determined I was finally going to take better care of myself and now I would actually have the TIME to do it. Time to myself while Michelle was in school. Time to breathe. Time to do yoga. I booked massages to help me relax. I took a bubble bath for the first time in years. I started therapy. I was hopeful things would get better.<br />
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It felt good to be taking care of myself for a change. For so long I'd neglected myself. Like I wasn't a priority at all. Like I wasn't even human. Pushed myself to keep going even without basic necessities like sleep, proper food, any form of relaxation.<br />
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Knowing that Michelle loved me helped a lot. But I really needed to love MYSELF too. What kind of Mom could I be if I was falling apart? I needed to be OK to be there for her. I had my work cut out for me. </div>
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When Michelle wrote that she missed me (even if she misspelled it! Mist...) it broke my heart. That week from Hell wasn't just hard on me. It was hard on her. I barely saw her. Life is so short. Was this how I was going to spend it? Overworked, hanging by a thread with no time to spend with my little girl who means more to me than anything? But what could I do? I'm a single Mom. I have to support us. It felt like a no win situation. At least now I would have some time to take a breath.<br />
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The only good thing about working so much was that Michelle got to spend quality time with Grandma and Grandpa. She did portraits of them. She even made them sit and pose for their portraits. I love that she included my Mom's cross necklace. This portrait of my dad was so adorable and accurate I couldn't stop laughing. It's just perfect. I love the mustache, the green eyes, the little tufts of hair on his head. I love the swirls in his ears. I love that she's even got his black pants (pulled up too high -- Steve Irkel style!) with the red stripe. She notices the little details -- an artist already at 5 years old!<br />
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I love Michelle's art. Her world is sweet and happy and magical. Such a stark contrast from the dark, miserable, nightmarish world I'd experienced at work. It was a nice change. I wanted to inhabit this childlike world now.<br />
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I love that Michelle's smile is so big she has three rows of teeth! I love that she doesn't even try to do hands because they're hard. I always hated drawing them too! This is Michelle's own self-portrait. She sees herself as a blonde rather than a redhead. Her hair is gold. When you're limited to the colours in a crayon box it's a tough call for a strawberry blonde. Do you choose orange? Your hair isn't exactly orange. Do you go for red, like Ariel? Sure you're a redhead but your hair isn't literally red. Or do you go with yellow, like the sun (which isn't yellow either, it's more white...) and be a blonde? So Michelle sees herself as a blonde and she's never really liked the term redhead anyway. Although, make no mistake, Michelle IS a redhead, a true ginger in every way!<br />
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"Mama can you get me this huge bear? PLEASE?"<br />
"Ummmm NO! We've had this discussion. No gargantuan bears for us. Not happening."<br />
"But it's a KOALA!"<br />
"Yup. Not really relevant. It's too expensive. It's too big for the car or even the house for that matter. Just no."<br />
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But of course I couldn't resist grabbing a photo of her with it. That's my go to if Michelle wants something and the answer is no -- get a picture of it and then you get to keep it forever, in a way.<br />
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With Michelle, I usually try to come from a place of yes. But sometimes the answer has to be no for obvious reasons.<br />
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I love my family so much. I'm so grateful for them. Spending time with them, especially my sister (and best friend) always cheers me up. Somehow May always makes me laugh no matter what. Michelle loves visiting at Auntie May's as well. Working so much means time away from Michelle and my family, no time for yoga, no time to relax -- all the things that make me happy and recharge my spirit. I got myself so depleted that I was running on less than empty. Now it was time to take it easy and to do the things that make me feel good again.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M9hicbxuJ78/WpRhmZazznI/AAAAAAAARU8/cfcPUNeNLpEYg96qi-gLFRYxe4IMiCorACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M9hicbxuJ78/WpRhmZazznI/AAAAAAAARU8/cfcPUNeNLpEYg96qi-gLFRYxe4IMiCorACLcBGAs/s200/DSCN5013.JPG" width="150" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rx0_nRWivik/WpRhl9XsIxI/AAAAAAAARU4/KzddbAgqJxwbD1SDpIcL53Fczxojg5AYQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5012.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1275" data-original-width="1600" height="255" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rx0_nRWivik/WpRhl9XsIxI/AAAAAAAARU4/KzddbAgqJxwbD1SDpIcL53Fczxojg5AYQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5012.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle was happy that I was going to be at home for a change, that for now at least we wouldn't be on that insane schedule, driving all over hell's half acre, rarely home. I wouldn't have to pick her up early from school or have her miss days of school like she did when I was working full time. She could enjoy her time at school and home with her Mom without constantly being uprooted.<br />
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Michelle did a portrait of our little family -- Michelle, Ali and me. We're all smiling. Even the cat. And the sun is golden. I wanted to live in that smiley happy world. I wanted to try anyway. Now that I had a break to take a breath I had a shot at least.<br />
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NTEQgccPZEE/WpRhmjt1X_I/AAAAAAAARVA/UE_z0J2aB4UcGX2jfZHaOplJQx8RMb5MQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5015.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1325" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NTEQgccPZEE/WpRhmjt1X_I/AAAAAAAARVA/UE_z0J2aB4UcGX2jfZHaOplJQx8RMb5MQCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN5015.JPG" width="165" /></a><br />
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I didn't know what to expect from therapy but I was looking forward to it. Like a nerd, I brought a notebook to take notes. I was going to treat it like going to school. (I'd always loved school and been an A student. A total type A control freak I thought I was going to ace this! I was going to be cured in one session! Sure. Could happen! Even though I'd been scheduled for 18 sessions. Even though it had taken 17 years in my job to get me this messed up.) It was like taking a course in well-being, learning how to be happier, more calm, more resilient, learning how to cope with stress, anxiety and anger. I'd loved Psychology 101 when I took it in university. I only took it because I needed a science course but I absolutely LOVED it. I found it fascinating. I was at the top of my class (in the top 2% among 2000 students) and my Psych professor wrote a letter at the end of the year saying he looked forward to working with me in the future. I didn't have the heart to tell him that course was the only Psychology one I'd be taking. That I was a Humanities student just trying to meet the science requirement.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yKWJngpBhaI/WpRhpGm5lXI/AAAAAAAARVc/pQ6fhQrfeSkjDQDY_uH5Xs7U6445s7eiQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5023.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1187" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yKWJngpBhaI/WpRhpGm5lXI/AAAAAAAARVc/pQ6fhQrfeSkjDQDY_uH5Xs7U6445s7eiQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5023.JPG" width="236" /></a>I took Sociology as well because I needed a social science. They try to make sure students are "well rounded" so they make you take at least one or two courses outside of your specialty. So the math and science set are forced to take an arts course and the artsy-fartsy types need to take a science or two. Sociology was interesting as well, learning about behaviour in groups as opposed to just individuals, how we relate to others. I remember my teacher loved one of my essays so much he read it to the class. I was proud and embarrassed all at once. He said it was different from any science paper he'd ever read, so raw and direct. Of course because I was more of a writer than a scientist. I got an A. That was what I loved about school. You could put your heart into something and get an A. In life it often feels like you put your heart and soul out there and no one gives a shit. University was a great experience. Looking back, I would have loved to take more psychology courses. Unfortunately I didn't have the maths and sciences required to specialize in it.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vQbEV4sxCu8/WpRhofPBMwI/AAAAAAAARVU/xST1Kzm19IYDE0PgXbLLj-06b-JMRkVqACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1227" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vQbEV4sxCu8/WpRhofPBMwI/AAAAAAAARVU/xST1Kzm19IYDE0PgXbLLj-06b-JMRkVqACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5022.JPG" width="244" /></a>Philosophy -- pondering the big questions about reality and existence -- had always fascinated me too and I really wanted to take it in university as well but there was no room for it. I already had a full plate trying to do a double major -- English and Drama, with a minor in Art History. But I was glad I took Psychology. As I sat in that huge lecture hall taking notes or reading my text book at home I never imagined that one day I'd be GOING TO a psychologist myself. As a PATIENT. Then again I also wouldn't have guessed the career I'd end up in or the fact that I'd be a single Mom. Life is stressful. Sometimes you cope and sometimes you slip. Mental health is so important but we don't always give it the attention it deserves. We either take it for granted or don't fully understand it. We know if we break a leg that it needs a cast to heal but sometimes we suffer a mental injury and we just keep pushing ourselves. And no one can see the injury. If we don't speak up they may not know. Robin Williams was one of the greatest comedians that ever lived and he was suffering in silence. And we lost him. There is still somewhat of a stigma to admitting you need help. There shouldn't be. Many celebrities have come forward and opened up about their battles with anxiety, depression, etc. Therapy helps a lot of people. It can still be hard sometimes to admit that you don't have it all together. There seems to be this pressure to fit in, to be OK or at least fake it well enough to fool everyone. But the burden is greater when you can't even share it. When you're going through it alone.<br />
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At my first session the therapist drew a picture of the parts of the brain and their various functions. (I wound up drawing my own copy as well.) I was already well acquainted with the Amygdala -- the center of the fight or flight mechanism. Mine was cranked up to full blast. She explained that when our basic needs aren't met (as mine weren't -- sleep deprived etc) our survival mechanism kicks in, we revert to our more primitive nature, becoming reactionary. I was basically on edge ALL THE TIME. Everyone and everything was a threat. My nerves were shot. Of course in primitive times fight or flight kept you alive but these days stress is triggered by THOUGHTS rather than actual danger. I didn't know how to stop thinking. The therapist told me that you can't really. It's like if someone tells you not to think of a pink elephant. Then of course you do. You can't eliminate the negative intrusive thoughts but you can learn to acknowledge them and challenge them. Stop giving them so much power over you. I had to learn to tell myself "I'm OK. I'm safe" whenever the stress kicked in (at work, in traffic etc.)<br />
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After that first session I was hopeful that I could learn to challenge and change the negative thoughts and stop the stress response that had become such a part of my life. Getting enough sleep was one of the main things I needed to heal. The therapist recommended I try lavender oil on my feet to help me sleep. Though skeptical I was willing to try anything. I went to a wellness store and picked up some lavender oil and other essential oils. I even picked up a salt lamp because I'd always thought they were beautiful and I heard that they purify the air, boost your mood and help you sleep. Whether it really worked or was just a coincidence or placebo effect, that night I slept with lavender on my feet and the salt lamp by my bed and I had the FIRST GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP I'd had in YEARS! I was thrilled. I was actually starting to feel better.<br />
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There was light at the end of the tunnel. I was taking care of myself for a change. I started doing yoga every day, eating healthier, drinking more water, doing breathing exercises. I was finally doing all the right things. I booked a massage to help me relax. I had a bubble bath for the first time in years. I started writing and painting and doing the things that nourished my soul. My spirit had been so broken. Now it felt like I was putting myself back together again. And when I felt anxious thoughts creeping in, I tried to talk myself out of them. With my main sources of stress -- work and the long commute -- now absent I thought I could finally begin healing. During my travels in aromatherapy and wellness stores I met some very nice women who opened up to me about their own struggles. A lot of people are overwhelmed with stress these days. I was not alone. Everything was going to be OK. I was feeling more positive than I had in a long time.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ym60X5MRpZk/WpRjbbfxfuI/AAAAAAAARXw/pGvj3Y8GY1YAj27TGkrG9uJIoRLbs7eVACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5027.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1232" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ym60X5MRpZk/WpRjbbfxfuI/AAAAAAAARXw/pGvj3Y8GY1YAj27TGkrG9uJIoRLbs7eVACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5027.JPG" width="244" /></a>Unfortunately my enthusiasm was short-lived. Suddenly I got really sick with a cold, the worst I'd had since my pneumonia years ago and it was like a slap in the face. I had gone from overworked and running on empty with no sleep, no exercise and a terrible diet to relaxing at home, getting rest, exercising and eating right and NOW I get sick?! Why now?! WTF?! It wasn't fair. Online I found that others had been through the same thing. There was even a term for it -- "leisure sickness." People who have extremely stressful jobs can't just switch the stress and strain off. When they try to relax, they get sick. When you're under constant pressure, the immune system is stimulated -- it's like your body knows there isn't time to get sick. It keeps you on high alert in case you have to wrestle a saber tooth tiger. When you try to take a break it signals the immune system to back off (OK guys, pressure is off now so you can relax!) and without the immune system working overtime, you wind up getting ill. All those days without sleep, all that excess cortisol, all the self-neglect of months or years catches up to you. My nose was running, my head was foggy. I couldn't sleep. Even my skin was breaking out. Pimples?! In my late 40s?! I wasn't even eating chocolate or peanut butter. It didn't make sense. I was angry. I was discouraged. I had gone from feeling so hopeful to now feeling completely hopeless. One step forward, two steps back. Even when I tried to take care of myself I was falling apart. I couldn't win. The next time I went to see my therapist I was sobbing uncontrollably. I felt like I'd failed. I wanted to be getting better but now it felt like I was getting worse.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VnaCo2OGko8/WpRjdHdMwlI/AAAAAAAARYA/PpmHd8XQBH0TmBTukK6VCzy8rlPZzl0pwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN6295.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1115" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VnaCo2OGko8/WpRjdHdMwlI/AAAAAAAARYA/PpmHd8XQBH0TmBTukK6VCzy8rlPZzl0pwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN6295.JPG" width="222" /></a>My therapist was very reassuring. She told me not to get discouraged, that I was on the path to healing and what I was going through was completely natural. It was like I was going through detox -- my body ridding itself of toxins which manifested as sickness, my skin breaking out, etc. Though exercising, eating healthier and getting rest were obviously steps in the right direction they were still a DRASTIC change in my lifestyle and my body was adjusting. I had to give it time. The path to wellness is a journey. It took 17 years to mess me up. It was going to take more than a week to cure my stress.<br />
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Impatient, a control freak, perfectionistic, I tend to be pretty hard on myself and I tend to expect too much too fast. I think in terms of black and white, pass or fail, good or bad, which is more destructive than productive. Our thoughts, behaviours, emotions and physical sensations are all connected, however of the four there are really only two which you can control: thoughts and behaviours. You can't stop what you feel emotionally and physically but you can work on how you think and act, which in turn can help to improve your emotional and physical well-being.<br />
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This is what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is. My automatic thoughts were unfortunately destructive and negative. The therapist gave me a list of "unhelpful thinking patterns" and I had absolutely ALL OF THEM! Every. Single. One. The mind is a powerful thing. What you think and believe become your reality. Black or white/all or nothing thinking, negative mental filter, jumping to conclusions, over-generalizing, catastrophizing, personalising etc -- all these destructive thought patterns were darkening my view of the world (which was frankly already pretty dark and didn't need any help from me!) My homework was to record upsetting events, rationalize them, labeling my negative thought patterns (at least I would nail that part. I LOVE labeling things!) and finally replacing them with a more balanced or positive thought (whether or not I actually believed it.)<br />
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Of course not being at work or commuting (my two major stress triggers) I had significantly fewer upsetting events than I normally would but I still managed to find quite a few. When you're a perfectionist you set up impossible standards for yourself and the world around you. Life ISN'T perfect. You CAN'T control everything. You can drive yourself crazy letting every little thing get to you. I found my homework exercise helpful. I'd never done that before -- recorded the details of stressful events and thoughts that occurred throughout the day or challenged them in that way. It allowed me to see how much I overreact to situations. (A LOT!) I was hoping I could learn to tone down my stress response. To become more calm and resilient. To not allow things to bother me so much. To cut myself, others and life some slack because none of us are perfect.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wqkfiv3DP5o/WsUXNyBV86I/AAAAAAAARl8/Nr3WVwE1iZo0daDg5zrqUWehF9xhLcUsQCLcBGAs/s1600/insomnia%2Banxiety.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wqkfiv3DP5o/WsUXNyBV86I/AAAAAAAARl8/Nr3WVwE1iZo0daDg5zrqUWehF9xhLcUsQCLcBGAs/s320/insomnia%2Banxiety.png" width="320" /></a>So I was learning to relax, somewhat, during the day. I could find my zen while I was doing yoga and I could slow down my breathing while doing chores and running errands. Laying down at night was another story. Insomnia had always been a problem, particularly in the last decade or so. My mind doesn't come with an off switch. It just keeps spinning -- past regrets, present problems, future dread. From the mundane to-do lists to existential crises. Stress and anxiety make sleep almost impossible. Even now with time off I couldn't relax. Aside from my one fluke night of good sleep I was right back to insomnia again. The lavender and salt weren't helping. Of course a runny nose and cough didn't make it any easier. I lay there for hours unable to FALL asleep. Then I wake up to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water and can't get BACK to sleep. The only time I seem to be really sound asleep is just before the alarm goes off (and alarm is the right word because it is ALARMING! I nearly jump out of my skin and my heart pounds out of my chest from the shock.) I didn't have to go to work but I still had to get Michelle to school on time, which is stressful in itself. Michelle has absolutely no sense of urgency. She takes her sweet time eating breakfast, getting dressed, putting on her coat. Meanwhile I'm rushing to get there on time, but she doesn't worry at all. It's a miracle she's never been late. Sometimes we're running to get in the door before the bell goes off (and the doors lock so you have to go to the office even if you're one minute late.) Slow as molasses. She's usually the last one out too when I go to pick her up at the end of the day. I guess I should be glad she's more easy-going and not stressed out like her Mama. Then again, she's FIVE. </div>
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Even when I do sleep, sometimes I have nightmares. I had one of the worst I'd had in many years. At one point I was running and these horrible creatures were chasing me -- not sure if they were goblins or zombies except that they were misshapen, grotesque, decaying bodies that were after me. I couldn't get away no matter what I did. They followed me even as I ran up the walls like a spider, they'd run up too. I'd jump up and take flight but then they could fly too. They were always at my heels and there was no escape. Usually in my dreams there was an out -- a way to escape the monsters. Usually if I could fly then I could leave them behind or wake up but this was different. They would get me no matter what. I woke up relieved that it was just a dream but totally exhausted as though I really had been running (and jumping and flying!) So even rest wasn't restful. Clearly I had a lot of demons to work out in therapy. You could take me out of my job but could you take my job and the trauma I'd dealt with for so long, out of me? I tried to avoid anything stressful. I didn't want to hear about tragedies in the news. I watched nothing but animated movies with Michelle. I wanted to live in a sweet, happy world of sunshine and rainbows. But I was still haunted, still struggling.</div>
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At least Michelle didn't seem affected by what I was going through. She was happy to have me home for a change.<br />
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While I had no social life whatsoever Michelle had an active one. She was invited to birthday parties just about every weekend. I was feeling like Hell with my cold and lack of sleep but I managed to drag myself out to take her to a friend's party. I was so tired and my head in a fog so I barely knew what I was doing.<br />
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I was so out of it that I got lost. Even though I'd been there before. I wound up having to call her friend's Mom for directions. So we arrived late to paint ceramics at Crock a Doodle. Michelle had wanted to paint a cat sculpture but they were all taken so she settled on a cupcake. I convinced her that that was even better because it was a container that she could put things in. She had a ball painting her pretty purple, pink and turquoise cupcake ceramic. She couldn't wait to see it but I told her it would have to be fired in a kiln and she'd get it later.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BD4zpfbNIho/WpRif4PE3zI/AAAAAAAARWw/WIoE7XDIWjUpv5Tym6wlnjWoTlGaYja0QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5066.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BD4zpfbNIho/WpRif4PE3zI/AAAAAAAARWw/WIoE7XDIWjUpv5Tym6wlnjWoTlGaYja0QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5066.JPG" width="320" /></a>I'm glad that Michelle is the opposite of me in so many ways -- happy, friendly, sociable, outgoing, confident. I'm glad that she gets along so well with others. I always struggled with shyness and insecurity. She is a 5 year old social butterfly while Mama is (age withheld!) more of an anti-social moth. But I stray outside of my comfort zone enough to allow Michelle to have some fun. I don't want to hold her back. Even when my nose is running like a tap and my head feels like a block of wood I'm out there trying to make her happy (even if we get lost along the way...)<br />
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Even though I felt like a giant bag of Hell, the thought of driving all the way back home for a short time just to have to head all the way back and pick her up again made me more tired than just staying put.<br />
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Plus I could take some pictures which being a hopeless photoholic always cheers me up a little. Michelle was mostly having a good time and ignoring the paparazzi (Mama-razzi!) but once in a while she'd throw me a smile!<br />
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Michelle and her BFF. I remember when I was a kid and had a BFF or two that I hung out with all the time. I do miss that. When I got older and became involved in romantic relationships that sort of overshadowed any need for friendships. I was never someone who needed a large circle of friends. I preferred to have one best friend. So my boyfriend became my best friend (even though in some cases they should have been my worst enemies!) I jumped from one bad relationship to another because I was afraid to be alone. I never seemed to have trouble finding a boyfriend. I'd break up with someone and meet someone else a day later. Now I've gone six years without meeting or dating anyone. Of course Michelle is my best friend. And I have my sister. But sometimes I wish I had a social circle. Adults to talk to and share things with. Most of the time it just feels like I can't relate to anyone. And these days I am a pretty solitary creature. I do need time to myself.<br />
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February (I called it FebRUEary in one of my first posts) was always one of my least favourite months. It's just cold and dark and bleak AF. The shortest month but it feels long waiting for Spring. It used to be the only holiday to break the monotony was Valentine's Day. Being a romantic I used to love Valentine's Day when I was in a relationship. I looked forward to flowers, chocolates or love cards and letters (my personal favourite.) Of course it's different when you're uncoupled. It's hard not to roll your eyes at couples holding hands or commercials for diamond rings. But I do still have the love of my life -- Michelle -- and she made me a sweet Valentine's Day card long before Valentine's Day. She likes drawing us as hearts -- the big Mama heart and the little baby heart, holding hands. So sweet. And I am so grateful for her. Michelle's love and her joy and her irrepressible spirit is what keeps me going even on days when I'm falling apart.<br />
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Michelle loves the snow. Well she loves everything really. She will laugh in the rain and splash in the puddles. She laughs in the snow and builds snowmen. She loves the fresh air of Spring and playing in the park, the heat of Summer and going to the beach.<br />
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It's different for me. I do need fresh air and sunshine and I love them when the weather is warm but I really struggle with Winter. The cold gets to me. The dark and cold feel oppressive and especially when I already feel fragile. I certainly did not miss the long perilous commutes in bad weather (though sometimes I did have to drive distances to see my doctor etc.) I was grateful to be home most of the time though. Some days it was so bitterly cold you could get frost bite in minutes so I told Michelle we had to go in right away after school. Other days I let her play for a bit.<br />
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Writing is therapeutic for me. It has always gotten me through my life's darkest periods -- whether writing poetry, songs, fiction, a journal, this blog -- writing is my release. It helps me to express and to process what I'm going through. I wrote a song about my breakdown: "Enough is enough" and finally got around to posting it on Youtube:<br />
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Therapy was also helping me. My therapist told me I was her best patient, or at least the most eager. She would give me homework assignments and I actually did them. (It never occurred to me not to do them. Even when they were as tedious and difficult as pages of math homework.) I filled pages and pages. I was treating it like school -- I was going to ace this. I wanted to get well. I wanted to be "cured." She tried to explain that it's not "pass/fail" and that my perfectionism was just another of my negative thought patterns/traps. No one's life is perfect. It's not possible. Even if they can make it look that way on Instagram. Everyone struggles with their own issues. It's not like I was going to magically solve everything in a day or a week or a month. It was going to be a gradual process -- learning to relax, taking better care of myself, challenging unhelpful thought patterns, becoming more resilient.<br />
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Recording my thoughts and emotions, making note of physical sensations etc and then challenging them with alternative balanced, more rational thoughts was a powerful exercise for me. I saw how I was over-reacting to everything. I needed to chill. Some of my alternative thoughts were very positive (I didn't actually believe them when I wrote them I was just putting what I figured you're supposed to say.) She asked me to collect those thoughts and turn them into a list of positive affirmations. Maybe I could train myself to look at things in a more positive light. To not be so hard on myself (and others.) To not be so reactive -- angry and anxious over everything. The thing is when you're IN the stressful situation it's very hard to be objective, to stand back from it and say "Stop it! This isn't helpful or necessary! Why am I letting this get to me?" but I was trying to learn to do that. Even in bad traffic. Even when things went wrong. I didn't have to let everything affect me. Maybe I could learn not to.<br />
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Some of my alternative thoughts/affirmations were:<br />
"Be kind and patient -- with yourself and others."<br />
"You can't control everything."<br />
"Focus on the positive."<br />
"You've got this."<br />
"You are safe."<br />
"Life isn't perfect."<br />
"All you need is love."<br />
"It's not the end of the world!"<br />
That last one Michelle actually helped me with. One of the "upsetting events" I recorded was Michelle smashing a glass in the family room. Shit happens but I blamed myself for leaving the glass there and felt guilty. I was upset because her toe was bleeding and everything. In the middle of me freaking out Michelle goes "Mama, it's not the end of the world." OMG I thought, my five year old is more wise than I am. She is zen to my frazzled. I could learn from her. Chillax, Mama. Sheesh.<br />
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Social butterfly that she is, Michelle had another birthday party to go to. She had a ball again. I stuck around even though I'd just had dental surgery -- when I kept getting abscesses the dentist suggested I have a portion of my gums removed to prevent it from happening. So I had an appointment with the periodontist. I was surprised my gums didn't even bleed that much. I was on soft foods for a couple of days though which meant I had to say no to pizza when it was offered -- which was not easy let me tell you!<br />
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It was nice to talk to a couple of the other Moms while the kids played in the indoor playground, with slides and a climbing wall. I didn't even get to take that many pictures of Michelle because I wound up socializing which was a nice change.<br />
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Not having a social network and being home most of the time now I don't have much interaction with other grown ups. It's mostly just Michelle and me. Sometimes it's nice to talk to other parents. Some of them are really nice. Of course there is still that part of me that feels like an outsider because I am still the only single Mom. I know there must be other single parents out there but they don't seem to be at Michelle's school or anywhere else we go. Or if they are they're not wearing signs saying "I'm a single parent!" (Then again, neither am I. Though I think the fact that I'm NEVER WITH A MAN is a bit of a clue! LOL)<br />
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When it snows and it's packing snow, I think as a parent you are morally obligated to build a snowman with your child! At least that's how I feel. As much as I hate snow I force myself to endure it for her sake. She was quite happy building our own Frosty the snowman. Ours had a baby carrot nose, stone eyes, mouth and buttons and a turquoise toque for a hat. I was surprised no one else built a snowman but most people probably wouldn't have time. Also most people are probably sensibly indoors. A lot of people, even kids these days are so hooked on their devices that spending time outdoors isn't even an option. Glued to their cells and tablets and video games and God knows what. Of course I'm not modern. I don't have those gadgets. I'm still old school. We play analog games of Scrabble, Monopoly, ball and building snowmen. Now on stress leave I was trying to limit my computer time even more. I didn't want to see what was trending on Twitter. I didn't want to read what idiotic things Trump was doing. (I just keep hoping he gets impeached.)<br />
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We built a snowman in the front yard and a snow kitty in the backyard. And I pulled Michelle around on her little deer sled. She loves it but it's Hell on me. It's hard on my back and shoulders and it knocks the wind right out of me. Sometimes I'll be pulling and huffing and puffing and then suddenly the sled seems really light and I'll see that she's fallen off and is laughing her head off.<br />
"Again Mama!" she laughs mercilessly even as I tell her that Mama CAN'T BREATHE.<br />
"OK but this..." huffing and puffing, "is the LAST TIME!" I say. Then she still says "AGAIN!" mercilessly right afterward.<br />
"What part of THIS IS THE LAST TIME did you not--"<br />
"AGAIN!"<br />
Oh well. It's a workout. At least I got a picture of her smiling, waiting for her next ride around the yard.<br />
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As much as I hate the snow, I do love the snowmen and snow kitties once they're done. It's like when I was in school, I HATED writing essays but I loved having written them. I like when things are DONE. I like going inside and having a hot chocolate and looking out the window to see the cute snow creature that you built together. They say you're supposed to be mindful and present in the moment but when it's a moment you don't particularly like, when it's cold or difficult, sometimes the moment after is the best. When it's over with and you got through it and now you're safe and warm inside...<br />
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I adore children's books and can never resist getting them for Michelle. We got this set of Brad Meltzer books from her Scholastic book order and I LOVED THEM! They were challenging for Michelle to read but very inspiring and she loved them too. She even did a book report about Jane Goodall. It was beautiful to see Michelle take an interest in these extraordinary courageous women who dared to pursue their dreams and to do what people said was impossible. She was fascinated by the braille alphabet in the Helen Keller book as well and wrote a few phrases in braille (just drawing the dots on paper.) Brad Meltzer has a whole series of these books for children and I think they're wonderful. "Mama," Michelle asked. "Could they make a book like this about me someday?"<br />
"Maybe sweetheart," I told her, "if you do something great to change the world for the better." And she just might. I'm so proud of my girl.<br />
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More than doing yoga, aromatherapy, breathing techniques or going for massages, one of the best ways to de-stress was spending time with Michelle. She is my happy place and I love when we can share good times together.<br />
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When I was working so much, not having time with her added to my stress. Michelle loved having me home again. I worried how she would deal with it when I went back to work. For now we were enjoying the time together. We were both looking forward to seeing the new "Peter Rabbit" movie. It looked hilarious from the previews. Movies are an escape. Being caught up in a make believe, magical world was a nice change from the real and horrifying world that I had been immersed in at work, watching the news etc.<br />
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Peter Rabbit was AMAZING and we loved it. It was as hilarious as I'd expected and more heart-warming than I'd hoped.<br />
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I realized how much I loved being in Michelle's world -- reading children's books, watching kids' movies -- I wanted to focus on that sweet, funny, magical, beautiful world. I wanted talking animals. I wanted sunshine and unicorns and rainbows. I didn't want murder and mayhem. Some people are drawn to drama and horror in shows and movies. There were times in my life when I loved them too, but right now, when I'm trying to be gentle with myself, when I'm trying to heal mentally and physically, I am glad to inhabit a child's world for now.<br />
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We already had one snow kitty in the yard but it was another good day for packing snow and Michelle wanted to build more cats. She wanted to try one entirely on her own. Hers is on the left, mine on the right. She actually did really well! She rolled the balls herself, smoothed and shaped it herself. She wouldn't let me help her at all. As usual I was more excited to go in afterward but it is good to get some fresh air once in a while even if it is cold winter air.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-A3GVDCryYPA/WrLDAAVFpmI/AAAAAAAARdc/jGJYXLFonKs0fxzTapqU07ySdeGc6QJHACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN5245.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1296" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-A3GVDCryYPA/WrLDAAVFpmI/AAAAAAAARdc/jGJYXLFonKs0fxzTapqU07ySdeGc6QJHACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN5245.JPG" width="259" /></a>Though my cold symptoms became less severe (I didn't have the constant runny nose and cough) they never entirely went away either. The only thing worse than being sick myself was when Michelle was sick. Then again she'd pretty much been sick since she started school in September. Whether it was the same never-ending cold or a thousand different ones it seemed almost endless. Sometimes it would seem to get better only to get worse again. Any time I took her to the doctor she just said it's natural for kids to get sick all the time. It helps to build up their immunity. She suggested a puffer but Michelle didn't want it so we just sort of put up with it. Kids are magnets for germs. Every time she's around other kids (which is ALWAYS since she started school) she picks something up. At least it wasn't going to put a damper on Valentine's Day.<br />
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I spoiled Michelle because it's what I do. I can't help it. I see something cute or pretty and I can't resist. If she'd been a boy there would have been a lot less temptation to buy things but I love girl's toys. I'm still just a big kid myself so it's hard not to get things for her when I love them too.<br />
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She got toys and stuffies and chocolates of course. I don't mind not getting presents. I have more fun giving things to her. And she did make me beautiful cards and pictures. We ordered a heart shaped pizza to celebrate as well.<br />
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Yet another birthday party. Michelle was a popular girl. This time a boy's party where she was the ONLY GIRL THERE! There were a couple of others invited but she was the only one brave enough to show up I guess! I was afraid she wouldn't survive and wasn't sure what I'd find when I went to pick her up. Michelle had a ball. Boys can be pretty wild but Michelle held her own. I'm glad that she's both a girlie girl and able to be tough tomboy too sometimes. It was nice to have a couple of hours to myself but it wasn't really enough time to get anything done. Somehow even when I'm home there don't seem to be enough hours in the day. Of course when you're a single Mom you don't actually get much time to yourself except when your child is in school but even that's only a few hours. (Six hours FLIES BY. Then again six months flies by so it's no wonder!)<br />
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I love these animal headbands Michelle has! She gets a kick out of them too. The cat ears are my fave. She also has flowers, butterflies, Princess tiaras. She has one for just about every occasion and to match any outfit. On this day she was all about kittens and rainbows (with a t-shirt to match!)<br />
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I asked Michelle what she wanted to do that day and she wanted a trip to Play Place. We hadn't been in a while. My Mom wanted a visit as well. Now that I wasn't working I wasn't seeing her nearly as often. My Mom was actually relieved she didn't have to watch Michelle now because my Mom hasn't been feeling well and Michelle can be exhausting. Still, my Mom was missing us and wanted a visit. I decided we could come for the day and stay over then visit with May for Family Day. So I took my Mom shopping, let Michelle play at Play Place and then we stayed at Grandma's. Michelle was happy to have me there with her for a change. Usually going to Grandma's meant that I was rushing off to work and leaving her.<br />
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Michelle loved Play Place. She had a blast and made new friends as she always does, even with much older girls. As I watch Michelle I'm always in awe of how easily she talks to other girls. She is so confident and comfortable with herself that she can just approach anyone and say hi and ask them to play.<br />
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In a million years I can't imagine going up to a total stranger and saying "Hi!" Even as a child. If they didn't come to me, I just didn't meet them.<br />
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I enjoy just living vicariously through Michelle and watching her have fun. I'm more comfortable on the sidelines watching her and snapping photos.<br />
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Michelle made this adorable portrait at my sister's place for Family Day. My brothers couldn't make it but it was just as well because they never would have fit in the family portrait! It was quite a squeeze as it was. I love that she subconsciously made us larger than the rest of the family (or maybe she just ran out of room as she went on.) I love that every time she draws my dad (with his tiny tufts of hair) it actually looks just like him!<br />
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Of course I had to get the group photo of us as well. I was so grateful to May having us over for Family Day. Normally we don't celebrate it together (I can't even remember other years -- I was probably working anyway or something.) Apparently Family Day started in Alberta in 1990. Saskatchewan followed suit in 2007 and Ontario in 2008. Corresponding with President's Day in the U.S. it gives people a holiday to spend time with family and to break the monotony of a miserable month like February I guess.<br />
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Even the rain can't dampen Michelle's spirit. The weather was warming up at least. It seemed like Spring. Unfortunately it was grey and raining. Michelle asked if she could splash in the puddles. It was after school and I knew she could just change afterward so I said sure. I didn't want her splashing in puddles on the road and there wasn't much on the sidewalk. There were some puddles in the backyard so that seemed perfect.<br />
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I was thinking it was just going to be water. No biggie. What I hadn't counted on was the MUD. Michelle wound up with wet, muddy pants and boots. Muddy water INSIDE her boots. But she had a ball so it was worth it. I just had to put her boots upside down and wash her pants.<br />
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Michelle loves making books. At one point she made a book about feelings. I love her sweet, simple explanations for the emotions: "Sad is an emotion if you have a scrape or cut." Luckily Michelle only gets a little bit sad when she falls and gets hurt. Sometimes not even then. The rest of the time she's happy. "Mad is like someone says something mean to you." Yeah, that made me mad too. Unfortunately a lot of other things made me angry -- bad drivers in traffic, bad weather, bad things in general -- all the things I couldn't control. Anger and anxiety became so much a part of me while I was working but I know now from working with the therapist that this was because of my basic needs not being met. I sank to a primitive level. Fight or flight took over. Everything was a threat. With time to heal now hopefully I'm softening and not so on edge all the time.<br />
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In Michelle's world of hearts and rainbows, everyone is happy. Life is perfect. I want to live in that world. Of course my therapist reminds me -- life isn't perfect. There will always be problems, there will always be bad days. No one is happy ALL THE TIME. Even those living the good life experience sadness as well as happiness, they have a sense of purpose and playfulness. They are resilient. The don't feel helpless. They feel ultimately in control of their own fate. I want to get there.<br />
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One day it was warm enough to go for a bike ride. (Well not really but Michelle wanted to go and I said OK just around the block.) Her head has grown since last year. We could barely squeeze her helmet onto her head! I figured I'd have to get her a new one.<br />
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I was debating whether this would be the year we'd take her training wheels off and have Michelle learn to ride on two wheels. I want her to learn of course and to feel independent, but at the same time of course the control freak in me is TERRIFIED! I can imagine nervously running along side her while she tries to get her balance. I will have to get her some really good knee and shoulder pads as well! I can't remember who taught me to ride a bike. I guess it was my Mom and dad. It will be hard for me to let go. To have Michelle try (and possibly fail) to ride a two wheeler on her own. Maybe we'll wait til next year...<br />
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Michelle has an agenda for school and every week there is space to mark off how many books you read and to list them. Then you can choose one to do a book report on. Last year she would just draw the picture and tell me what she wanted to write. Now she can draw and illustrate her own report. I love her adorable drawings. I cherish her agenda. I always look forward to seeing her work. I keep all of her school work too. I'm sentimental that way. There is already so much art and she's only 5. I can't imagine how I'll store it all as she gets older but I can't bear to part with any of her drawings.<br />
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Every time we go to the indoor playground, or anywhere, Michelle either meets a friend or makes a friend. This time she ran into an old friend from her class last year. And they were both in polka dots! What are the odds?!<br />
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I love to see Michelle running around and having fun. After the incident the last time we went to the playground Michelle knew to check in with me periodically so I wouldn't worry. She was pretty good about coming over to say Hey Mom every so often. (Of course she was also usually dying of thirst from running around and wanted a sip of her water so it wasn't JUST to calm Mama's nerves!) I love watching her play and getting pictures of her. A lot of the other parents don't even seem to watch their kids, unless they're very young. Most people are glued to their cellphones/tablets.<br />
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I try not to pay attention to the horrors in the news anymore. Sometimes my Mom calls me to tell me when something has happened or I may catch a disturbing Twitter trend when I'm online for a few minutes. But mostly I don't want to know. I limit my Twitter time to a few minutes here and there. And I have one show a week that I watch/tweet. (Usually just reality TV -- the Bachelor franchise and Survivor.) Most people watch like 10 shows. I usually only have one at a time. At work I was in front of a computer for 12 hours. I think the less time I spend in front of a screen the better. The times I feel the most zen -- while doing yoga, reading, writing and painting, playing guitar, going somewhere beautiful with Michelle -- are when I am not glued to a screen. Though admittedly writing this blog is therapeutic as well so I do spend some time on the computer. This has taken me months to write though -- a little bit here and there rather than all at once.<br />
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Someone recommended I read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" months ago. I finally got around to it. It was a powerful book. Though a depressing subject it winds up being inspiring and illuminating. Frankl shares his harrowing experiences living in the Auschwitz concentration camp and shows that one thing can never be taken from you -- your inner freedom to chose how you react to situations. You can choose to keep your human dignity no matter what. Yes when your needs aren't met it's hard not to sink to a primitive level. It's hard to be positive in a negative world. But you can. If you have hope and something to live for. If you still believe in love and beauty even amid so much ugliness. Nietzsche said "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." Frankl developed a branch of psychotherapy called "logotherapy" -- basically therapy based on your meaning and purpose in life. When your life is meaningful you feel much happier. Of course for me, Michelle is my reason for being. She is what keeps me going. When I was working so much that I couldn't even see her it was especially stressful. Reading the book I could relate to much of what he was saying. Of course nothing I ever went through could compare to being in a concentration camp yet I was routinely exposed to horrors and human suffering through my work. Some people react to the onslaught of anguish by shutting down, they become desensitized, inhuman. Others break down, physically or mentally. Someone warned me many years ago, if you care too much the world will break your heart. The job did toughen me up to a point but I never lost my sensitivity or compassion. And in the end I'd had enough and couldn't take it anymore. One thing Frankl's book illustrates though is that no matter how bleak it seems, no matter what you are going through, if you have a reason, a purpose then you can keep going. And your life always has meaning. Even in suffering. You can never lose sight of that.<br />
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Sunshine is always a welcome change from dark days. Michelle and I both loved the nice weather. She asked if we could go to the park and she was thrilled when I said yes. It's amazing how much just a little fresh air can lift your spirit. In the winter, cooped up for so long without any fresh air (especially at work where there are no windows that even open. Just the same stale recirculated air coming through a loud oppressive fan) you can feel trapped, stifled. Long, cold grey winter days seem bleak. Then suddenly the hope of Spring helps you to feel alive again. You can be outside in the sun.<br />
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Lack of sunshine and vitamin D can drag you down. That on top of sleep deprivation and stress didn't help. I was so depleted. Having time off to repair and recharge was a godsend. I was so grateful for it. I was doing everything that I could to get well. I was trying to think more positively. Trying to catch myself when I fell into negative patterns. It comes so naturally that it's hard to reprogram. I wish I could just be happy effortlessly like Michelle. Life is a beautiful adventure to her. Nothing gets her down for very long, if at all. It's all good. She has boundless energy and enthusiasm. She can run and jump and climb and never get tired. Of course it's easier when you're a kid. What does she have to worry about? She couldn't be more loved. She gets all of my attention. She gets spoiled rotten. She has no worries or responsibilities. Life is sweet. Even as a child I don't think I ever quite had that. I always felt like I had to compete for attention and love and never really got it. And being introverted made it harder to connect with others.<br />
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I told her you're supposed to go DOWN slides, not up them but she was determined. She kept slipping and laughing until finally she made it up. I managed to capture this moment while she was halfway up, grinning ear to ear. Sitting in the sunshine, watching Michelle laugh and have fun I could feel the knot in my stomach loosen. I could feel my breathing slow down. I could be mindful for a few moments and just take it all in. Life is good. For a few moments here and there I manage to stop worrying, stop thinking and just BE PRESENT to enjoy the moment. But then I'm right back to thinking again from the trivial questions: "What am I going to make for dinner?" to the bigger more stressful ones: "What am I going to do with my life?!"<br />
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The nice weather didn't last. Winter would come back with a vengeance like an icy slap in the face but at least we had our day in the sun. I even wore pink. A walk in the woods in the fresh air nourishes the soul.<br />
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For moments here and there I can find my zen. When I'm in the sunshine with Michelle, or at the Butterfly Conservatory, or doing yoga. For moments I can feel strong, safe, at peace. And life is beautiful and I'm OK. But it's the unpleasant moments that I struggle with. When things go wrong, in stressful situations, in bad traffic, when faced with the ugliness of the world. I have to find a way to keep my peace, even in the midst of chaos. That's the hardest thing to learn and I'm not there yet. I'm hoping to get there. Because life is not perfect and it's not all sunshine and rainbows and you have to be able to face difficulties head on without falling apart.<br />
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I knew that I relied on therapy but I didn't realize just how much until one day at the end of the month I showed up for my session and the office was in darkness and there was a note on the door that my appointment was cancelled. My therapist had a personal emergency and couldn't make it. I was in shock. The office had tried to call but I was already on my way. That session each week really helped to ground me. Now I was kind of in limbo. I left the building in a daze. It felt like I was cast adrift, rudderless. I realized how much I depended on those sessions. To have someone really listen, a detached observer, a wise and sympathetic ear to tell me everything would be OK. I needed that. Now I just felt lost. Hollow. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed some groceries so I went to No Frills but I wandered around like a zombie. I felt alien to everything around me. I didn't even know what I was doing. One of my exes, a Scientologist, would have called it "not being in Present Time." It was the opposite of Mindful. I was Mindless. I was just floating in a daze. Somehow I made it home.<br />
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Talking to my sister helped. Whenever I call her somehow she always makes me laugh in spite of myself. She reminded me about the movie "What about Bob?" I wasn't about to follow my psychologist to wherever she might be. I just hoped that she was OK and that she'd be back the following week. I came to appreciate her even more. I watched "What About Bob?" with Michelle and she liked it too. (She was already a Bill Murray fan after "Ghostbusters" and "Garfield.") I hadn't seen it in so long. It was good to watch again. Especially now that I'm going through my own psychological issues. "What About Bob?" is such a cute movie. Bill Murray's character may be a neurotic mess but he's still lovable. I'm not quite as OCD as he is but I have my moments. And like him, I need to take baby steps to get over my anxiety. Michelle and I also watched "Groundhog Day" which in a way is about mindfulness. Sometimes we plow through our days too just to get through them, too wrapped up in ourselves to really notice or care about the world around us. We don't take the time to live to the fullest and enjoy each moment. When he has to live the same day over and over he eventually learns that life is precious and that you might as well put your heart into everything you do. If you only had one day to live, wouldn't you want to make it the best day ever? Once he learns that lesson, the cycle is broken. Of course we never know when a day may be our last so shouldn't we always strive to make it a good day?<br />
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Luckily writing (and art) is a great therapist and is always there at all hours of the day. I can always pick up a pen (or pencil) and spill my guts if/when I need too. I can scribble down my thoughts, write a song, paint a picture and then, for a few moments at least, I'm free of it. This blog helps me. Even when it's tough to find the time. It helps to vent. To get it all out. To spill it onto the page or the screen. I've never been very good at holding things in. I probably share WAY too much on here but I've got to be me! Open book. Heart on my sleeve. It's preferable to having my head explode trying to hold it all in. And when I log in to blogger and look at the statistics on my dashboard (view count/sources/audience by country etc) I'm always amazed to see readers all around the world reading my blog. So thank you if you are one of them and I hope that if you're going through anything similar that my story helps in some way. We each think that we're alone falling apart and that everyone else has their shit together. Hint: they probably don't! Some people are just better at holding it all in or looking like they do anyway.<br />
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We're into April now as I finish this post. I will try to write a post about March and April by May. Hopefully it will be with good news. It's supposed to be Spring now although Winter seems to be lingering lately. We even had SNOW again. IN APRIL! But it can't last forever. Hope springs eternal. Better and brighter days ahead. The weather is just one of the many things beyond my control. I have to remember the Serenity prayer and to just accept those uncontrollable things without stressing about them. To be brave enough to take control of the few things I can, to make changes I need to make, even though it scares me. To be wise enough to realize what I can and can't control. Also I need to cut myself some slack. Life is not black and white, pass or fail. It's not perfect and no one has all their shit together no matter how happy they may look in their online photos! I don't take photos of my worst moments either. None of us do. It's the smiles that we show. Of course in this blog I'm sharing my tears too, in words rather than pictures. I need this. Writing is therapy. It has always been there for me and has gotten me through my darkest moments.<br />
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I am a work in progress. I'm not perfect. Right now I feel like a mess. I've been through a rough time but I'm trying to get better. I'm hoping to figure things out but I'm not quite there yet. It's scary because the future is uncertain. It's one thing to admit when something isn't working. It's quite another to find and commit to a workable solution. As a creature of habit change, even a change for the better, is always terrifying for me. I have been struggling for a long time. I know that getting help is a step in the right direction but it's still scary as hell. I tend to be impatient. I want answers, resolutions, cures instantaneously. I just want everything to be OK. I want my ducks in a row. I want to have it all figured out. But it doesn't work that way. Life is a journey not a destination. You learn and grow as you go. It's not always easy but you have to find a way to endure the bad and enjoy the good along the way. We roll our eyes at cliches but they're usually right. The only way out is through. The life that you're meant to have is on the other side of your greatest fear. Breakdown. Breakthrough. Crisis. Opportunity. I'm not perfect but I'm trying to learn, grow and become a better person. And I'm grateful for the chance to do so...</div>
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Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-51805968979226991702018-02-13T14:26:00.000-05:002018-02-13T14:26:00.559-05:00Decembering...<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5EWIhwf48iI/WjlKkwu50aI/AAAAAAAAQy4/vhj--M2O-UIM3cJ7HFAUjKbIsrcC8xMpwCEwYBhgL/s1600/Santa%2B2017%2Bcloseup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1148" data-original-width="934" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5EWIhwf48iI/WjlKkwu50aI/AAAAAAAAQy4/vhj--M2O-UIM3cJ7HFAUjKbIsrcC8xMpwCEwYBhgL/s320/Santa%2B2017%2Bcloseup.jpg" width="260" /></a>Christmas is complicated. It's the best of times, it's the worst of times...(To misquote Dickens again!) My Christmas spirit usually kicks in early November. I get excited about putting up the Christmas tree (I always put it up the 2nd week or so) and decorations. I love my white tree with silver and turquoise ornaments and it makes the living room feel cozy. I smile at Christmas lights outside and carols on the radio (though depending on my mood/the song, I may have to change the station. Some songs are just too sentimental and I'm not a fan of "ugly crying" when I'm out. "I'll be home for Christmas" is gut-wrenching! My Mom and I sang carols one night and we BOTH choked up with that one! At the exact same part!) I get excited about Christmas shopping for Michelle. The rest of my family is often a challenge but it's all too easy and fun to buy toys for Michelle! I tend to spoil her for that reason! If I see something cute or on sale that she's asked for, how could I NOT get it? So yeah, I get stoked about Christmas and all its trappings however, the INSTANT that Christmas is over, I HATE IT. Until next November. Once Christmas ends, I don't want to see/hear ANYTHING to do with it anymore and I can't wait to take everything down! I can't STAND hearing about Christmas because once it's over it's just depressing and anti-climactic and the bleakness of Winter stares me in the face and there's just nothing to look forward to and hearing the word Christmas is just a reminder of that. Decembering is fine in December but once it's over I just CAN'T. My Christmas spirit expires December 26th. Then it's time for De-cembering and start January-ing (making resolutions you'll never keep, hoping the next year is better than the last, curling into a ball and crying etc.)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VkZGMYj6aWk/WjlGEk4V3XI/AAAAAAAAQuA/Iq_ZKeK--bw7h9NCSSacK7ERfv1CUIPtwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4189.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1379" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VkZGMYj6aWk/WjlGEk4V3XI/AAAAAAAAQuA/Iq_ZKeK--bw7h9NCSSacK7ERfv1CUIPtwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4189.JPG" width="273" /></a>And even in December it can be difficult. Yes Christmas is a beautiful holiday about love and giving and I appreciate time with family. I love the excitement of sharing Christmas with a child. But then there's the other side: the stress, the expense, the pressure to make it a perfect Hallmark card and all the things that inevitably go wrong and just Winter itself sucks. (I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and lately I've been dealing with acute anxiety/severe stress from work and my life in general...) Thankfully this year at least I wasn't sick with pneumonia at least. I had health issues off and on but I wasn't hacking my lungs out as I usually seem to be through the Winter. So there's that. Still, more often than not I was sleep-deprived, stressed, irritable, falling apart. Coasting on the fumes of cortisol and caffeine. Some days were better than others. Some days it was all I could do not to just lay down on the floor and sob. (I tried to save those moments for when I was home rather than at work or shopping for groceries.)<br />
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For Michelle it's all good, all happy, all the time! Every day is Christmas! And why not? She couldn't be more adored by her Mama, or grandparents. She pretty much gets whatever she wants (within reason.) She makes friends easily everywhere she goes. Life is all sunshine, unicorn and rainbows, a magical adventure. She's cute, strong, talented, brilliant and doing well in school. The world is her oyster! (Her Mama is falling apart half the time but I try to keep that hidden from her!)<br />
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And when you don't have Santa's lap to sit in there is always Ronald McDonald. (Michelle is not creeped out by clowns yet. I will not allow her to see "It" until she's at least 18 years old. Or maybe never. I find clowns creepy. Especially the psychotic killer clowns!)<br />
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Every time we go to Walmart Michelle wants to sit on Ronald McDonald's lap. We usually have to wait for Gramma to cash out anyway so I let her sit while we wait...<br />
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It is heartwarming to see people filled with Christmas spirit. Some people REALLY go to town with their Christmas lights. It's fun. While I can't imagine ever putting huge inflatable decorations on my own front lawn, I do enjoy visiting other peoples'! I took Michelle to look at some neighbours' lights and snapped a few pictures. When Michelle said she wanted to see "more lights Mama!" I decided to surprise her and take her to a big light display I'd passed by and was curious to check out. It was a perfect night for it. It wasn't too cold. I am NOT a fan of Winter. At all. If I never saw a snowflake again I would be happy. (Unfortunately we would see more than a few in the coming weeks...)<br />
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The lights were awesome. Michelle was thrilled. A lot of my pictures were blurry/didn't quite work out (night shots are always a little tricky. I experimented with using the flash/using night mode without a flash etc but it was hit and miss.)<br />
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Sometimes the awkward up-close hand-held selfies turned out the best because at least you could see us.<br />
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A lot of other people had the same idea -- taking advantage of a mild evening to go for a walk through the festival of lights. It wasn't really that late. It just gets SO dark so early in the Winter. (Yes that's also depressing!) It was a school night but I wanted Michelle to see the light show and I often work weekends so I have to seize the moment while I can! Plus weekends are probably too busy/crowded.<br />
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Another selfie... I wanted to get a good shot of us WITH the lights but it seemed I had to choose to get a picture of us OR the lights.<br />
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Being a photoholic I just kept snapping and hoped for the best. At least I wasn't alone. A lot of other people were there taking pictures too -- of course they all had their camera phones rather than an old fashioned camera like my Nikon.<br />
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This section with the deer by the water was one of my favourite displays but unfortunately my photos really don't do it justice. (Obviously!) The distant ones are a bit blurry and too far away and this close-up barely shows the deer at all. It was hard to find a happy medium.<br />
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When we came to a gazebo I used it as a place to stand my camera for the self-timer. Being a photoholic I'm always on the lookout for photo ops AND flat surfaces where I can sit my camera for the timer. Occasionally a stranger will ask if they can take our picture, which is very kind but I'm always a little wary ever since an incident in Montreal where a stranger offered to take my picture (with my boyfriend at the time) and proceeded to DROP MY CANON ON THE CEMENT! Killed it. I was devastated. Many of my cameras met with disaster after a few years. I went through a Canon, Minolta, Pentax and a Nikon. Even my current camera has a scratch across the lens but I keep putting off replacing it. It does still work. It just sometimes adds a ghost/blurry spot in daylight shots...<br />
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And then finally I figured out the perfect placement/distance to get both the lights and Michelle and me in a shot! Of course now we were leaving. Michelle would have stayed there all night but I told her we had to get home. It was a school night and she had to have her bath and get ready for bed. I was very glad we seized the opportunity to go though because the weather got very cold after that and I was working so much there wouldn't have been another opportunity. I thought about us going a second time but the next time I passed the park at night the lights were gone.<br />
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In the Bible they describe Hell as being a place of "weeping and gnashing of teeth." So apparently I'm already in Hell considering how often I cry and grind my teeth. Actually I've been grinding my teeth for about 17 years (which not coincidentally is how long I've worked in my job! Just one of the effects of stress. IBS is another.) At one point a dentist fitted me for a mouth guard to wear at night but I couldn't stand it and never used it. I have problems with my teeth hurting/jaw aching now and then. I try not to think about my teeth because I'm not a fan of them. They're crooked (I was supposed to have braces as a child) and yellow (apparently I brushed them too hard and wore of the top layer of enamel.) Most of the time I just hope they don't give me too much grief.<br />
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Then I was working one night when I got a terrible toothache. It seemed to be more than just my tooth. It was emanating from my gums behind my back tooth. Deja vu. I'd already had an abscess in July and went to the dentist for anti-biotics. Now I had pain in my gums/rear tooth on the opposite side. For crying out loud I thought, it's always something! So I went to the dentist and sure enough it was an abscess again. He prescribed anti-biotics (AGAIN!) and a rinse to clear up the infection. He also referred me to a periodontist who recommended surgery -- gingivectomy so that I don't keep having this problem. There is an opening at the back of my mouth in my gums where my impacted wisdom teeth were removed decades ago. It's easy for food to become trapped back there which can cause infection. So it's easier to just remove that section of my gums once and for all. They booked the surgery for the beginning of 2018. Last year it was a lumpectomy. Now a gingivectomy. Because Winter isn't already unpleasant enough, you might as well have surgery in the middle of it! Woo hoo!<br />
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I got a 360 X-ray and they managed to do it without bonking me in the head like the bumbling dentist office I had tried once in the Spring (and mentioned in a blog post. I never went back to them.) When I saw the X-ray it was so creepy and cool I asked if I could take a picture of it. They probably thought I was a weirdo but they said "Sure." It's not very Christmas-y but as a photoholic I appreciated having this scary skeleton shot of myself. I'm not looking forward to having my gums cut out but if it's going to prevent going through this whole abscess thing ever again I'm all for it. Michelle was fascinated by it all and wanted to look in my mouth with a flashlight. She thought about being a dentist like Hermey on Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. I told her it pays better than making toys.<br />
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Of course I had to take Michelle to see Santa. And this time at least I wasn't sick with pneumonia and standing in a long line while hacking up a lung this year. We really lucked out and there was no line at all. Michelle was excited. Even though she'd mailed a letter to Santa to tell him what she wanted (a Teddy Bear) there was still nothing like visiting him in person. I always worried about her asking logistics questions about Santa flying around the world, looking a little different every time you see him etc. Instead at one point she just flat out asked, "Is there really a Santa Claus?" I answered that of course there is. She said that some kids say there is no Santa Claus. I said that the spirit of Saint Nicholas is very real but that unfortunately some people have no Christmas spirit and don't believe. I told her that just like with God and Jesus (whose birthday is the most important meaning of Christmas!) you don't SEE them but you have FAITH that they exist. You just know it in your heart. And some people don't have faith. My Mom always told us that there wasn't a Santa, that Christmas is Jesus' birthday and that is that. I never agreed with that. When it comes to parenting I normally do the opposite of what my Mom did! In the case of Christmas I want Michelle to experience all the joy, wonder and magic of Christmas -- both Jesus AND Santa! So YES, Michelle, there IS a Santa Claus!<br />
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This classic letter in "The Sun" puts it beautifully:<br />
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<a href="http://www.newseum.org/exhibits/online/yes-virginia/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Sun letter, New York 1897 -- "Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus"</span></b></a><br />
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"Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy...."<br />
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Naturally I was going to purchase the professional shot of Michelle with Santa but it didn't stop me from snapping several pictures of my own. I am a photoholic. I CAN NOT resist a photo op!<br />
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I was thrilled that Michelle had a big smile! I couldn't, however, say the same for Santa. In his defense maybe he <i>was</i> smiling under the beard but it didn't show. His eyes didn't seem to be smiling... They seemed somewhat stern if anything. Then again it must be tiresome to have kids sitting on your lap all day. They're probably not all cute or friendly. You get the ones who cry or scream or squirm or are dirty or sticky or (Heaven forbid!) soil themselves?! My Michelle was an angel of course when she was a baby she was terrified of Santa and screamed bloody murder when I tried to get a picture with him. (I wound up having to get in the photo holding her that year.)<br />
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And then, because I'm a photoholic and nerd I got in a picture as well. Michelle was so excited. "Santa Claus PICKED ME UP!" She was star-struck like he was a celebrity. Usually you just write him letters or sit on his lap but he actually gave her a hug and picked her up. We lucked out and picked a time when there wasn't a huge line-up to see Santa so he wasn't rushing us out.<br />
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I loved their professional photo and got a couple of copies as well as a light up folder/frame to put mine in.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHMgD0zJFzM/WjlKhEJP9AI/AAAAAAAAQyk/OMe17WBgp8oclfNYGsUx6hePWcZgAzE2QCLcBGAs/s1600/Michelle%2B%2526%2BSanta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1143" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHMgD0zJFzM/WjlKhEJP9AI/AAAAAAAAQyk/OMe17WBgp8oclfNYGsUx6hePWcZgAzE2QCLcBGAs/s320/Michelle%2B%2526%2BSanta.jpg" width="228" /></a>I love having printed photos (especially since I haven't printed photos in years so ones that I get when I'm out somewhere or school photos are the only hard copies I have!) but I still want a digital copy so I can post them on Twitter/my blog etc. They gave me a code to download the picture online.<br />
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After our successful Santa visit Michelle and I did a bit of shopping and then got an ice cream while we waited for Gramma. It seems every time we go shopping with Gramma we end up waiting for her but ice cream makes the time pass more pleasantly! Since my Mom doesn't drive she relied on me to take her Christmas shopping most of the time. It was tricky to work in with my insane schedule. Even when I had time off work there was so much to do. Time to myself was in short supply, basically non-existent. Sleep deprivation was an on-going problem. Even when I finally would get to lay down my brain wouldn't shut off. I would spin and spin. Worrying, making to do lists, overwhelmed. Tired just thinking of all that I had to do.<br />
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I wanted a picture of us with the huge mall Christmas tree. Michelle just wanted to keep riding the escalator up and down (we did a few times!) and was annoyed to have to stop for a photo. At least she smiled for this one. I guess I couldn't complain when she'd already flashed a killer smile for the Santa photo. I finally said that was enough trips on the escalator. Sometimes she was nervous about getting on. At one point she almost did the splits like Elf does in the movie when he rides the escalator for the first time. Got to love childhood innocence when you're still amused by the simple things!<br />
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As we walked through the mall people were admiring Michelle's adorable red Santa/elf outfit. She loves dressing up and is always in her glory if she gets to wear a fancy dress.<br />
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December was a mixed bag. It was a busy/chaotic month and went so quickly, with good and bad days. Work was stressful. As I've mentioned before my schedule was insane (16 hour days usually on no sleep) and I was beyond depleted. On good days I just dealt with it. On bad days I felt broken. You can only run on empty so long before it breaks you. For the most part I tried to focus on the positive -- Decembering -- getting ready for Christmas, sharing time with Michelle. She is my light and my life. Everyone has stress, in varying degrees. Not too many people have an "easy" life -- even those who may appear to from the outside. We all have our trials. All you can do is get through the day, one day at a time. Enjoy the good days, endure the bad days and hope that you have more of the former and less of the latter. Just cherish the smiles and laughs along the way. But some days it's just too much. Sometimes you need a break but as a single Mom you don't get one. Ever.<br />
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Michelle was happy and carefree for most of December (as she usually is!) Mama however was another story. Between my insane schedule and sleep deprivation I was pretty stressed a lot of the time. Relaxation techniques like deep breathing and yoga helped WHILE I was doing them however unfortunately I didn't often have time to do them. Most of the time I was on no sleep trying to get through a 16 hour day (with my commute), trying to get Christmas shopping done, take care of the house and everything else. When people would learn I was a single Mom they would almost always say "I don't know how you do it!" because they found it hard even as a couple taking care of kids etc. "I don't know how I do it either!" I would laugh. Except that some days it wasn't funny, running on less than empty. People would always say "You have to take care of yourself," but sometimes it doesn't seem like an option when you're too busy taking care of everyone else...<br />
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Michelle was invited to a boy's birthday party. She was excited about it. I was a little nervous about it. Boys can be a little rougher and more wild than girls. I wondered what the ratio of girls to boys would be. What if she was the only girl there? Michelle is a tough cookie. I'm sure she could hold her own. Still, I was worried.<br />
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I'm always reluctant to leave Michelle, (other than for work and school when it's unavoidable) even for a few hours but it's the only time I have some time to myself. Most of the time when Michelle is invited to a party I've been able to stick around anyway but a couple of times it's a party at home and you just drop them off an go. They're always kids from her school and the parents always seem nice, still the control freak in me has a hard time letting go.<br />
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Before I left I got a picture of Michelle and some of the boys. The fact that one is wielding a hockey stick and another is pointing a gun at me tells you all you need to know about a boy's birthday party! It was madness from the moment we walked in. My fears seemed well-founded as Michelle was the only girl there. Then I talked to the boy's Mom who told me that at first her son didn't want girls at the party at all (because, come on, when you're a boy, girls are "yuck!") but then told his Mom that he wanted his two girl friends there... Michelle and her best friend! Michelle was so excited her friend would be there.<br />
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It was perfect! Michelle had been wanting a play date with her BFF and now she had one (with a bunch of crazy boys tagging along.) Michelle had a blast at the party although when I went to pick her up she had green icing in her hair and wasn't even aware of how it happened. I wondered if it was accidental or intentional. (The kids had cupcakes.)<br />
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After dropping her off I decided to run some errands. I had a package to pick up at the Post Office. I'd been out the day that the delivery arrived and I had a card to attend the post office to pick up my package.<br />
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I was expecting something small. I'd been approached on Twitter about tweeting #TogetherWithTwoOceans during The Bachelor Canada (#BachelorCA). I was offered a care package with a bottle of wine, an Emoji pillow, chocolates etc. I told them that I don't even drink wine but I can't say no to chocolate and the other stuff sounded neat. And I could always give the wine to my brother.<br />
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After waiting in a long line I got my package and I was shocked that it was a huge box! It was so nice! A basket (which matches my wood floors and I love it!) the Emoji pillow, tissues, a rose pen, a mood ring, rose shaped chocolates, wine and glasses! Bling! It was so cool! They called it a "Mixed Em-Oceans kit" designed to help you get through watching the show. I was so grateful that I wanted to make sure I promoted Two Oceans. When I work I'm usually out of town/off the grid in the evenings but I made a point of traveling home that week so that I could be there to watch/tweet the show and #TogetherWithTwoOceans. The show wound up having an unhappy ending. The love story that I was rooting for (#TeamLyndsey!) fell apart and he wound up settling for the other girl. They didn't wind up staying together. It's hard to make love work period never mind on reality TV. Still, I don't date myself so watching people date on TV I get to live vicariously through them at least. I felt bad being away from Michelle that night but I figured I should have at least one night to myself once in a while.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LNWfdXWvKZA/WjlOLsOC1bI/AAAAAAAAQz0/l0h4umkKkmo-oo1wuWH_uI-hJdUVbv9mQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4317.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1255" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LNWfdXWvKZA/WjlOLsOC1bI/AAAAAAAAQz0/l0h4umkKkmo-oo1wuWH_uI-hJdUVbv9mQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4317.JPG" width="249" /></a>Most Moms, even if they don't have a partner, have some kind of social life, girl's nights out or they date, go on vacations etc. I don't do any of that. So this one night, to be at home on my own and get to live tweet my show, was the closest I've come to a social life/date in several years! Occasionally there are single Moms who go on the Bachelor and they have to leave their kids for months. I could NEVER do it! I feel bad being away from Michelle for ONE DAY! Michelle even asked me once "Mama would you ever go on vacation without me?" Hell no. I told her that the only way I could go on a vacation would be if I win the lottery (in which case I'll be booking a trip to Hawaii/Fiji/somewhere tropical!) and even if I was going anywhere I would bring her with me! No adult resorts for me. It would have to be kid-friendly hotels etc! Any adventures I have will include my girl!<br />
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The only thing worse than my hellish commute was a commute in snow. Driving in bad weather is Hell on Earth. Shoveling the driveway isn't much fun either. Shoveling the driveway only to have a snowplow leave an iceberg at the end of the driveway for you to chisel again is even worse. Trying to sleep in the day (when the most you could get is 3 hours to begin with) before a 16 hour nightshift only to have your neighbour test out his new snowblower for an hour so you get no sleep is just cruel. Not that I'm bitter. (Actually I was very bitter and cursing like Yosemite Sam half the time.) I was <i>this </i>close to yelling outside "Look FUCKO! I'll shovel your driveway with my PLASTIC SHOVEL and be done in 10 minutes! Why is it taking you an HOUR with a snowblower! I need to catch a few minutes of sleep before I drive in hellish weather and bad traffic and work in a stressful job and then drive another 2-3 friggin hours afterward!" Instead I just lay there cursing them... Even when the noise stopped I was too riled up to sleep.<br />
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So the snow is absolutely no fun for me. It is at best a nuisance and at worst a hazard. But Michelle loves it and so I do make a point to drag myself out and play in the snow with her sometimes. But aside from the photo op I'm really not a fan of the cold! I mostly just count the minutes until I can go in and get a hot chocolate! One day Grampa came out to play in the snow too. Sometimes it was too cold to be out even for a few minutes. We had some bitterly cold days. I HATE the Winter. Summer is my favourite season. And Spring. Michelle loves it all. "What's your favourite season?"<br />
"Christmas!" she said "and Halloween!"<br />
"Well those are HOLIDAYS not SEASONS. Halloween is in the Fall and Christmas is in Winter."<br />
But as a kid it's all fun. It's all magic and adventure and treats and toys. You don't have the expenses, stresses, responsibilities and burdens. Just the fun stuff.<br />
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I found a Christmas tree dress on sale and had to get it for Michelle. For a second I considered not getting it. It was a bit over the top but then I thought Michelle would love it and sure enough she adored it! She wanted to wear that one for the Christmas celebration with the family. I even got a Christmas tree hair band to go with it.<br />
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She wanted to try it on right away when I showed it to her.<br />
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Michelle is my happy place. She is my shining star. She is ALL that keeps me going these days. I've been through a really rough time.<br />
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After a breakdown in late September-early October I'd gone to my doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist. Apparently the waiting list was so long my appointment with him wasn't until mid-December. In the meantime I was also referred to a psychologist (through work) and went to see her in November. I had always wondered the difference between "Psychologist" and "Psychiatrist." I really know now! (Bearing in mind that my experience is limited and that I happened to meet a very nice female psychologist and a rather terrible male psychiatrist... So this <i>may </i>have affected my opinion as well...)<br />
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A rough couple of days... (weeks...months...Actually the whole year sucked!) <br />
I went to see a shrink... but then I decided I'd like to stay the same size...<br />
Oh well 2017 is nearly over. What didn't kill us made us stronger. Or something. Right? <a href="https://t.co/Kg4N5R2j6P">pic.twitter.com/Kg4N5R2j6P</a></div>
— Ann Marie Pincivero (@ampincivero) <a href="https://twitter.com/ampincivero/status/941009282979393536?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 13, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KkmbZHseY24/WjlPg-Hd9NI/AAAAAAAAQ0U/Uhr03R09Zvgjwu8L5xzHLKKePXJ3g5BeACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4354.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KkmbZHseY24/WjlPg-Hd9NI/AAAAAAAAQ0U/Uhr03R09Zvgjwu8L5xzHLKKePXJ3g5BeACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4354.JPG" width="240" /></a>A Psychologist offers CBT (like TCB!) -- cognitive-behavioural therapy -- helping patients with emotional and mental issues through counseling and behavioural intervention. They give you the tools to take control of your life and help you to feel better. At the risk of generalizing (and sorry my experience in this realm is limited but from what I've seen and heard from others as well) a Psychiatrist is basically a drug pusher. As medical doctors they can prescribe medications. And unfortunately that's about all they do. Their entire focus seems to be that you are broken and that only drugs will fix you. They want to throw drugs at everything. Anxiety? Here take these anti-anxiety meds (which may cause depression or worse anxiety or become highly addictive or even kill you.) Depression? Here take these anti-depressants (which may cause anxiety or worse depression and will make 1 in 10 people turn suicidal/homicidal and have a host of other symptoms that are actually worse than what you're trying to cure.) Hyper-active kid? Put him on psychotropic drugs (which may actually cause hallucinations and really mess the kid up!) Yes I'm simplifying but every one of these examples is based on someone that I've known and seeing what they went through.<br />
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Now don't get me wrong. (And please don't send me hate mail -- these are MY opinions which you may not share and that's fine. I don't claim to be an expert, far from it!) If your condition is so severe that you see no other way and you find a medication that works for you, then by all means, do what you need to do to feel better. But I don't believe in taking drugs myself and I think that shrinks are too willing to give drugs to everyone (even CHILDREN -- Ritalin when they're hyper-active etc.) And I think it's diabolical. Too many drugs are addictive and/or have horrendous side effects. Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease! When you see those commercials on TV where they show people laughing and running and then quickly rhyme through the side effects of the medicatons ("May cause diarrhea, internal bleeding, DEATH...") the drug companies are banking on you focusing on the happy people (actors, mind you, NOT people on the medication!) and not the horrid side effects. The thing is that while a drug MAY work for someone, each individual is different and to expect it to work for everyone is dangerous. It's all experimental. It's a crap shoot and they can't quite get it right. I've talked to people whose anti-depressant medications made them like zombies with no emotion. (To me that is NOT PREFERABLE! I'd rather feel all my feelings and shout my rage and cry all my tears than to feel nothing!) I've talked to some who were prescribed anti-anxiety meds that were so addictive they were climbing the walls when they tried to wean off of them. I've seen drugs destroy people. Substance abuse of one kind or another (alcohol and drugs) destroyed two people that I loved. Bottom line: I don't believe in drugs. For something like physical pain, sure, I'll take a pain killer (though I'm careful not to overuse them.) But something as complex as a mental and emotional problem, or for dealing with stress that is more situational than anything I don't believe that popping a pill is the answer. I would rather learn relaxation techniques and find ways to feel better on my own. I would rather feel stronger on my own than to become dependent on a pill to feel better (and which in many cases can make you feel worse! I remember one guy that I dated many years ago was throwing up every day for weeks on a new anti-depressant. How is that OK?! I would have given up and tried something else.) I'm a control freak. I want to feel in control. I don't even smoke or drink. I don't do drugs. I've never even tried marijuana and I am not about to take a psychotropic drug that will mess me up even further just because some doctor is getting kickbacks from Pfizer for pushing it.<br />
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With all this in mind, I went to see the psychiatrist for an appointment that I had waited two months to get. And he was the WORST. Calling him a "shrink" seemed fitting within the first two seconds of meeting him. He must have shrunk the doorway as he walked through because he banged his shoulder on it as he led me to his office. Like he couldn't make it through the door. It was awkward to say the least. I was going to ask whether he was OK but then thought this would be more embarrassing for him. His office (if you can call it that) looked like a cross between a garage sale and a flea market -- a cluttered mix of tacky art and brick a brack circa 1975. His floor was lined with stacks of books and papers. Couldn't he afford a bookcase?! Had he just moved in? I didn't bother to ask but he struck me as pretty disorganized to say the least. The word "bumbling" comes to mind. And he was supposed to be helping me with MY issues?! Maybe he was just eccentric. Like the absent-minded professor type. Then his questions began and my last remaining shred of faith in him was destroyed. English wasn't his first language so that may have been a factor but basically he would ask me a question and then repeat and type everything I said except getting it COMPLETELY WRONG. For example he asked about my childhood and I explained that being the middle child I always felt like I didn't get as much love and attention as the other kids -- my sister was special being the oldest and my brothers were special because they were the babies. I felt like the chopped liver in the middle and knocked myself out to be the best at everything (straight As in school, winning races etc) just to get some attention. But I still didn't get as much attention as the others. My Mom explained that because I was the "good kid" all through school -- a goody two shoes, with good grades, never smoked or drank or got in trouble -- that I didn't need as much attention. She didn't have to worry about me. From all that he types (and says out loud) "Sooooo... your mother didn't love you..."<br />
"WHAT?! That's not what I said at all! I just didn't feel I got as much attention because--"<br />
Maybe he wasn't even listening to a word I said. Just spouting his own cliched psychoanalyses...<br />
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He kept typing things I said and repeating them but getting them DEAD WRONG and putting his own (WRONG) spin on it and it was so frustrating! I felt like telling him "Don't bother to record any of this because you won't need these notes. I don't want to be your patient. I will NEVER see you again! Like EVER!" But I just sat there in disbelief, watching it happen like it was a bizarre SNL skit or something. Trump is President and this guy is a psychiatrist. The idiots are in control. This is what the world has come to in 2017. Still, if nothing else I had a listener (albeit a VERY flawed one) and it helped to vent. I cried as I recounted what I was going through in my life lately -- my job, the stress, the symptoms, being a single Mom without help etc. (Incidentally I did NOT get to lie on a couch like they do in the movies. I just sat in a chair. Maybe he couldn't fit a couch in his office with all the clutter.) He basically told me that my anxiety was situational. I was in an impossible situation (a single Mom in a stressful job working 16 hour night shifts on no sleep) and that ANYONE in my position would be stressed. But instead of suggesting ways that I could control the stress, take control of myself and my life, he just wanted to put me on anti-anxiety meds. He started going on about some medication that wasn't supposed to be addictive. He started writing out a prescription. Because that's what shrinks do. They shrink you to fit into their little box. Like Alice in Wonderland with the bottle marked "Drink me."<br />
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"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't believe in taking drugs. Especially for emotional issues. I've never done drugs. I'm kind of a control freak. I don't want to mess up my mind. I don't even drink or smoke..." He was annoyed. "Ha! You don't BELIEVE in drugs?! And some people still BELIEVE the Earth is FLAT!" he shot back with disgust. I was livid. I wanted to call him a patronizing, pompous prick. I wanted to say I wish I hadn't wasted my afternoon on a clueless, condescending quack like him. I wanted to tell him that the 1970s called and wanted their tacky ornaments and paintings back. That IKEA called and said they have lots of shelving for his books and all he needs is an allen key. Instead I told him that that was NOT a fair comparison. It has been scientifically PROVEN that the Earth is round. It has NOT however been scientifically proven that drugs work for mental illness. Not by a LONG SHOT. It's hit and miss. And sometimes the misses are disastrous. The commercials speak for themselves - for every drug on the market there are a host of possible side effects that are potentially WORSE than what they're trying to cure. Pharmaceutical companies profit off anguish and desperation. It's still just guess work. And I'd rather not offer my brain up as a guinea pig to some smug lazy a-hole with a messy office & a prescription pad. I told him that I don't believe popping a pill is the solution. That I think meds are prescribed too widely and often the cure is worse than the disease. It's laziness. It's the easy answer. Put them on meds. Turn them all into mindless zombies because it would take too much time/effort/compassion to help them to feel better naturally. He was as frustrated with me as I was with him. We had reached an impasse and would have to just agree to disagree. Our time was up, thankfully. Before I left I asked if my makeup was OK or whether I bore any resemblance to Alice Cooper after crying. He seemed uncomfortable and stammered that my makeup was beautiful/perfect. "Very good makeup. You can tell you didn't get it at the dollar store!" It was possibly the weirdest, most awkward compliment I'd ever received. Judging by the decor in his office, he spent a lot of time in dollar stores. But no I had never bought makeup there. Not that my makeup is expensive. (Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.) As I left his office, almost certain I was walking out of a Twilight Zone episode, I knew it would be for the last time. I would never EVER go to see him again.<br />
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When I told my doctor how awful the shrink was she apologized. "I'm sorry. He was the only psychiatrist that was available!"<br />
"Well I can see WHY he was available." And even at that it took two months to get an appointment with him. Welcome to the mental health crisis! In fairness I'm sure there are some very good psychiatrists out there. Unfortunately the waiting list to see them is likely several YEARS long.<br />
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The cold reality is that there are a finite number of mental health professionals to deal with an infinite number of people with mental health issues. There are only so many hours in the day. Most therapists already have a long list of patients/clients that they see regularly and don't have time/room to take on any more. So you get the ones that are "available." The ones who aren't so good. The ones who aren't the pick of the litter (but more like something you'd pick out of a litter box!) Lesson learned. No more bargain basement shrinks for me! Of course I'm fortunate that because my stress is work related my psychotherapy is covered. (The term psychotherapy bothers me though I mean I am NOT A PSYCHO! Just a severely stressed out/anxious single Mom who has reached her breaking point!) I would not be able to afford to see a psychologist on my own. But she's wonderful and I'm grateful for her. One thing that the psychiatrist and psychologist agreed on: my situation is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL and no one would be able to survive my schedule without falling apart. There was some comfort in hearing that at least. The equation is pretty simple: Single Mom + stressful job + sleep deprivation = BREAKDOWN. My four hour commute was even longer in the winter. There were some days driving in the snow that I didn't know if I'd ever make it home. One night on the ice I saw a car spin out in front of me on the highway. A complete 360. Thank God he didn't hit anyone but it scared me to death. I drove home white-knuckled, heart-pounding. But chronic stress, coasting on caffeine and cortisol had become my new normal. I tried to just take it one day at a time but there were many days I didn't know how I'd get through. A sense of humour is a survival mechanism. Unfortunately some days even THAT was out of reach.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bUrVGQzAvmg/WjlPuRbJQVI/AAAAAAAAQ0o/hXLunh3iRKEmb5s5GI7kGqjy8T-5DeXsACLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN4341.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bUrVGQzAvmg/WjlPuRbJQVI/AAAAAAAAQ0o/hXLunh3iRKEmb5s5GI7kGqjy8T-5DeXsACLcBGAs/s320/RSCN4341.JPG" width="320" /></a>While Mama was falling apart at least Michelle was happy and healthy mostly -- except for a cold/cough that she'd had pretty much since she started school in September. I didn't bother taking her to the doctor because I figured there's not much you can do for a cold anyway (and I tried to NOT be like my hypochondriac Mom who dragged us to the doctor for every sniffle.) A few Moms at Michelle's school suggested I take her to get checked out though and sort of guilted me into it "What?! You haven't taken her to the DOCTOR?" (Mom guilt gets me every time. I try to do all the right things for Michelle & I can't bear to think I'm doing something wrong where she's concerned!) So I took her just to get the other Moms off my back and to be reassured that yes she's fine, just a sniffle. It gave me some peace of mind though having taken her.<br />
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Having a cold never seemed to slow Michelle down. She was still full of energy and wanting to run amok. I couldn't understand how she did it. I was dragging myself around like a zombie, barely alive and she was like the Energizer Bunny wanting to GO GO GO! I wish I had even a fraction of her energy. She wanted to hang around after school to play with her friends whenever she could (there were many days I had to pick her up early and make the long trek to Grandma's and work so on the days when I didn't have to work she wanted to hang around.) I would sigh and stand there waiting, feeling like I was going to collapse. At least I got to talk to some of the other Moms. So often I feel completely isolated where I am. I don't have a social life. I don't date. The only interaction I have with other adults is at work (which is a stressful place to be.)<br />
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Michelle loves to play in the snow. She wanted to make a snowman. It wasn't packing snow but we improvised this little guy. I hate the snow and cold. I grit my teeth and bare it for her sake. Counting the seconds until we can go in get a hot chocolate and warm up. I have a hard time saying no to Michelle when she asks me to play -- even when I don't really have time or energy I force myself because I want to make her happy. Seeing her smiling and laughing is the highlight of my life, even as I'm frowning and crying inside and stressed to the max.<br />
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"Mama pull me on the sled!" So of course I do but it knocks the life out of me. Michelle weighs 50 lbs now. With her winter coat and boots somehow it feels like 100 lbs (especially when she falls asleep in the car and I have to carry her up the stairs to bed -- it nearly kills me every time!) So pulling her on the sled is hard on my arms, back, lungs, everything. I run around in a circle pulling her behind me. She's laughing hysterically. All of a sudden the sled feels light because she's fallen off and is in a ball in the snow laughing. "Again, Mama! AGAIN!"<br />
"Well that's easy for you to say! But it's hard on Mama. I can't even breathe!"<br />
"Come on Mama! I want a free ride!"<br />
"Well it may be free for you but I'm the one paying for it!" But it's a metaphor for our relationship. She gets a free ride where she has the time of her life laughing her head off and Mama breaks her back trying to make her happy. But I love her so I do it.<br />
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On the bright side at least I wasn't suffering with pneumonia like last winter. That was brutal. This year I managed to avoid the sniffles mostly. Somehow even with everyone getting sick around me I wasn't catching it. I had a cold for like a couple of days and it went away. I had ongoing intestinal issues (IBS exacerbated by stress. Sorry I know that's TMI!) but aside from that at least I didn't seem to be getting the obligatory winter cough and cold that I get EVERY YEAR. They say that you don't catch a cold from the cold but somehow I always did. Of course there wasn't time for me to get sick with my crazy schedule. I was just a ball of stress. Work 12 hours. Sleep 2 hours. Drive 2 hours. Repeat. Work/Barely Sleep/Drive. I was looking forward to having some time off for Christmas anyway which doesn't always happen. Theoretically I could catch up on my sleep. (Yeah, unfortunately that never happens. Even when I have time off, my brain doesn't come with an off switch. Too much on my mind. Always. As I've said before -- some people drink too much. I THINK too much!)<br />
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My little unicorn! I love this unicorn hat! When we came across it I just had to get it for her. Michelle is my happy magical little pink and purple unicorn. She is my Princess. My walking Disney movie. It's a nice contrast to the horror show that is the rest of my life. It's tough to make the shift sometimes. It's kind of surreal -- stepping from one world into the other. And I don't really have anyone to help me with the transition. I don't have a support network at work the way I used to once upon a time. I never really bonded with anyone. My boss keeps asking "Are you OK?" but then I just respond with "Still no..." And he doesn't know what to do. One day he brought us ice cream after a really awful day which was kind of nice but still doesn't really cure my chronic stress. (Still I will NEVER say no to ice cream!) Other people have a partner, friends, girls' nights out, a glass of wine, a bubble bath, something to de-stress after a trying day. I don't really have anything or time for anything. I just get home and switch to Mommy mode. Paste on a smile and try to pretend I'm not falling apart.<br />
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I love this little headband with the teeny Santa hat! Like a little elf. And this adorable Christmas kitten shirt. Michelle even got Ali to pose with her though she closed her eyes. (You can't have everything.)<br />
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Michelle and Ali were my happy place. No matter how crazy and stressful the rest of my life was I was always happy to be back home with them (even if it was only briefly before we were off again.)<br />
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Michelle was super psyched for Christmas. I had mixed feelings about it. I was looking forward to seeing her open presents and to spending time with family but it still seemed like chaos to me. Even happy chaos can be stressful when you're so exhausted you could just lie down in the middle of the floor. I basically just didn't sleep. The days I worked there were only a couple of hours available when I COULD sleep and even on my days off I could never catch up. I still lay there, my mind racing, spinning, worrying.<br />
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"Mama! Can you get me this teddy bear?!"<br />
Hell to the NO!<br />
"No way! He's bigger than ME! He wouldn't fit in the car! He wouldn't fit in our HOUSE! Plus he's $75! So it's a hard pass!"<br />
Nonetheless he was super cute and it was a photo op so I was ON IT!<br />
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Michelle was happy to sit on his lap for a picture. Why buy the thing when you can just get a cute picture with it? Part of me was <i>almost </i>tempted to get the bear. When I'm having a rough day I could go and give him a bear hug. I used to cuddle teddy bears as a child. I sort of miss that kind of unconditional comfort. Of course I have a couple of living, breathing teddy bears -- Michelle and Ali -- to cuddle!<br />
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I felt bad when I had to work so much and had to keep leaving Michelle. When she made me a Christmas card saying that she "misst" me (while I was at work) it broke my heart. But what could I do? I have to work. As the sole breadwinner it's all me. I explained to Michelle that unless I win a lottery or something, I have to work to pay the bills. "I hope you win the lottery Mama!"<br />
"You and me both!"<br />
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Every single time we go to Walmart Michelle wants to sit on Ronald McDonald's lap on our way out. I almost always concede. Especially if she lets me get a picture of her.<br />
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Oh to be a child again when your needs and desires are so simple and attainable. When the smallest things can make you smile and laugh! At this point in my life my needs and desires seemed so unattainable I pretty much shelved/forgot about them. I was lacking even basic necessities like getting rest. I was letting myself get so depleted there was nothing left. I was like a shell of a person. But for Michelle's sake, I forced a smile. I got good at forcing a smile. When she wasn't around I let myself cry. I didn't really have a choice. You can only hold it in so long. Crying in the car became a common occurrence. It was the one place I was alone, between being at work and being at home. The one place where I could just let go. My car saw a lot of emotion -- tears of anguish and exhaustion, stress and anger (a long commute on no sleep and dealing with other drivers.)<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NMJK8n2Xptk/WkUZy17C1dI/AAAAAAAARAQ/JzRrushBmQAT9ROCYjTWNX41poh-6eidgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4393.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NMJK8n2Xptk/WkUZy17C1dI/AAAAAAAARAQ/JzRrushBmQAT9ROCYjTWNX41poh-6eidgCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN4393.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-odFlNOta6wU/WkUZzn_cCWI/AAAAAAAARAY/Anrtxin0vYsjs3nMhH9ZUZpjVVRfVDIfwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4394.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1163" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-odFlNOta6wU/WkUZzn_cCWI/AAAAAAAARAY/Anrtxin0vYsjs3nMhH9ZUZpjVVRfVDIfwCLcBGAs/s200/DSCN4394.JPG" width="145" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IWH5Wbux6Tk/WkUZvXPFNOI/AAAAAAAARAM/cvWyyOf3YbcyfAqLkto2UzFTAv9d26R4QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4392.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1304" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IWH5Wbux6Tk/WkUZvXPFNOI/AAAAAAAARAM/cvWyyOf3YbcyfAqLkto2UzFTAv9d26R4QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4392.JPG" width="259" /></a>And then I'd be with Michelle and have to switch to Disney "happy Mom" mode. Most of the time I managed it. A couple of times I broke down. Luckily my girl is so kind and compassionate she comforted me and brought me a Kleenex. She comforted classmates at school when they were upset. I was glad that she was a kind and caring girl. At times it's almost like our roles were reversed. She had her act together. She was strong and stable. I was falling apart.<br />
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Michelle loved playing "Mama" sometimes -- pretending that she was the adult and that I was the child. That her little kitchen was the real kitchen where she would do the dishes and make supper and that I was the one playing at a toy sink and stove. She made it clear though that she did NOT want kids when she grew up because "babies are WAY too much work!" I told her they're a lot of work but they're worth it and I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love her!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j3v5ON4mwoU/WkUZ3ProEyI/AAAAAAAARAg/eMs_mT0_2PcKt4ShG8-USy3Fwm-C30vkACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4399.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1208" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j3v5ON4mwoU/WkUZ3ProEyI/AAAAAAAARAg/eMs_mT0_2PcKt4ShG8-USy3Fwm-C30vkACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4399.JPG" width="241" /></a>I'm so glad that Michelle loves school and is doing so well. She is (unlike me) very social and makes friends easily. In SK she made a new BFF and they're pretty much inseparable. I was allowed to come into the class one day so I took the opportunity to get a picture of Michelle and her friend in front of their class Christmas tree. I've often thought that I'd love to be a fly on the wall and watch Michelle at school. I've had a few chances to be a visitor/guest in the class on Scientist day and Career day.<br />
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It's always like pulling teeth asking Michelle what she does in school all day.<br />
"Did you learn anything new?"<br />
"No."<br />
"Well what did you do?"<br />
"I don't know." Then gradually she'll open up about things that happened. A new song they learned etc.<br />
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I had heard from her teachers that she was doing very well. Michelle is reading at a grade 2 level. She's even good at math and will randomly rhyme off addition problems & answers (and they're always right!) that she's figured out on her own.<br />
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Just as important is that she is doing so well socially. She gets along with others. I always struggled with social interaction. I was shy and found it tough to come out of my shell in a social setting. Michelle is definitely NOT shy.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xnGXqBAfaNg/WkUaP-XmuwI/AAAAAAAARA0/adReaOw3xmQ2tY-wkdBfW7fGxUDP45KLgCLcBGAs/s1600/Michelle%2Baward.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1022" data-original-width="1600" height="204" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xnGXqBAfaNg/WkUaP-XmuwI/AAAAAAAARA0/adReaOw3xmQ2tY-wkdBfW7fGxUDP45KLgCLcBGAs/s320/Michelle%2Baward.jpg" width="320" /></a>And then one day I was taking Michelle's agenda and lunch bag out of her backpack and I came across this. I was FLOORED.<br />
"Michelle! You won a CHRISTIAN LEADERSHIP AWARD?!" I wish I'd been there to see her accept it in front of the whole school. I was so proud and happy I thought my heart would explode. I was proud of my girl being so clever, but this, to see that she is also exceptionally kind -- "a shining example of Gospel values" in her class and her school was possibly the most proud moment of my life! I have made so many sacrifices for Michelle -- did everything in my power to make her feel safe and loved and to help her be the best person she could be. Even if I was falling apart it was worth it to see that Michelle was doing so well. At least I had done SOMETHING right. Although I had won many scholastic awards myself in high school and university, somehow this award of Michelle's meant so much more. It pretty much trumped everything.<br />
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When I saw that May, Shane and the kids had all dressed in maroon and black, I thought it was adorable. When I heard that it was quite by accident (Shane, who usually doesn't even dress up had gone to buy a shirt and tie and had no idea what the rest of his family were wearing when he picked the colour!) I was amazed. Michelle was in her Christmas tree dress and I was wearing an "ugly Christmas sweater" with a snowman body. Because why not? The rest of the family hadn't arrived yet but I couldn't resist getting photos with them in front of their huge Christmas tree. Not as big as some years but still two stories high!<br />
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There's a fine line between tacky and cute... I think the important thing is to have fun with it. The whole "ugly Christmas sweater" thing seems to have become more popular than ever. There were a lot to choose from. And I LOVE this crazy Christmas tree dress of Michelle's. It was in her size and on sale so really I had no choice! Of course one day (in her teens likely) she will refuse to wear anything so garish (and will probably insist on name brand this and that) so I might as well enjoy this time while she's young and willing to wear fun, wacky things that I find on sale. I won't do to her what my Mom did to me: dress her in embarrassing things that make her get picked on as an adolescent. Then again, Michelle is pretty tough and assertive. I don't think she would ever get picked on. She can take care of herself. I wish I had been more like her when I was growing up! Heck I wish I was more like her NOW! I admire her confidence -- that's one thing I always lacked and it's still in pretty short supply! While I'm plagued with self-doubt, she believes in herself.<br />
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And then, the WHOLE GANG gathered for a shot. I never tire of these big group shots! Everyone knows the drill. Everyone poses as I set the timer, count down from 10 (I'm always fast by a couple of seconds) and run to get in the shot myself. This one turned out better than usual. Everyone is looking and sort of smiling.<br />
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I love my family. I am always grateful for the time I spend with them. My sister is my best friend. No one really gets me or makes me laugh the way she does.<br />
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I always take a second shot just to be sure. This time I got in the front to make it easier not having to climb over people. And this way you get to see my lovely snowman sweater! Chris is leaning on the giant Jenga set that he made for Reggie and Shannon. (We had played with one outside in the summer. The kids loved it. It is a little scary when they fall since they're big blocks of wood but no one was hurt thankfully!) Being a carpenter Chris often makes homemade gifts. He made May and I beautiful birch candle holders. I love rustic things to match my barnwood floors.<br />
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My brother Mike had called one day to ask what he should get for Michelle for Christmas. He knew that she has so many toys he didn't want to duplicate. He wasn't able to get me but he chose this adorable FurReal Polar Bear.<br />
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Michelle LOVED it! She wanted to take him out of the box right away and was cradling him like a baby and giving him his bottle. He makes little noises. It was so cute. She wanted to take it to bed though I worried it wasn't the best idea since his chattering would keep her awake. Not to mention he had a hard body not like a stuffed bear.<br />
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Michelle also loved her Zoomer Show Pony from Auntie May. Basically if there was a cute/pretty girl's toy out this year, she got it! Michelle was spoiled by the whole family!<br />
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My sister got me this sweatshirt which was frankly PERFECT for me! It's a snowman melting and it says "I'm having a meltdown!" Hilarious. Yes I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (or already having one!) but at least I could laugh about it.<br />
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That's what I love about family and especially my sister May -- that she accepts me as I am. That I don't have to worry what she'll think. She can see me at my worst and it's OK and she helps me through it and helps me to laugh about it. I wish I lived closer to her. It's hard to be so far away from my family and to feel so isolated a lot of the time and to have to commute so far to work and child care/family. If I did win the lottery I'd want to live close to my sister and my Mom. (Unfortunately I would NEED to win the lottery to do so! Housing prices have gotten INSANE to say the least. Which is why I live so far away (because that was what I could afford.)<br />
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Michelle with Uncle Mikey and her beloved Polar Bear! When he couldn't get me on the phone he had called my Mom to ask what to get Michelle for Christmas. My Mom suggested a box of crayons and paper because she loves to draw. While she DOES love to draw that would have been a pretty lackluster gift compared to this adorable bear so I'm glad he didn't take her advice!<br />
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Michelle adored her polar bear and carried him around the rest of the day and night and for the next few weeks. She named him "Peanut" (I'm not sure why...) and treated him like he was her baby. She even asked me to watch him for her when she had to go to the washroom or something. She can be quite an attentive parent! She is fickle however and keeps changing her mind which toy/stuffie or doll is her favourite at any given time. She certainly has a lot to choose from!<br />
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Uncle Shane is quite an avid movie buff and has decorated their movie room with TV/movie collectibles -- from Pop! figurines to Lego (Ghostbusters and the Beatles' Yellow Submarine) to these large artist pieces. I think the fellow on the left is from Game of Thrones (or something. I don't watch it so I can't confirm!) but Shane gave him a Santa hat to make him a kind of horrifying Santa. We recognized Slimer right away from Ghostbusters.<br />
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How can you resist a twisted Christmas photo op? They are the colours of Christmas anyway! Red, white and green! I laughed my head off when I saw Slimer. I nearly screamed when I heard the price but he's one of a kind and Shane just HAD to have him...<br />
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As much as I love getting together with the whole fam-damily I also love the times I get to spend as a little family -- just Michelle and I (and Ali!)<br />
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It was Christmas Eve and Michelle was extremely excited. I told her she could open half her presents on Christmas Eve, the other half on Christmas and then she'd open presents from Grandma and Grandpa at their house (there were so many presents to bring that to cut down Mom left Michelle's and mine for us to open later.) The big family Christmas was before Christmas. My brother Mike and Barb alternate years to spend Christmas with their families and this wasn't Mike's year. Still we were going to be seeing Grandma and Auntie May again on Christmas day. I was beyond grateful to have Christmas off this year (which doesn't always happen. When I was forced to revert to full time in January of 2017 the up side was that at least I had my pick of vacation time for the whole year so I took a few days off each month to make it more livable. It still was NOT livable. The 16 hour shifts on no sleep were killing me but somehow I made it through the year into December, mostly intact!)<br />
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We went to Christmas Eve mass and it was BEAUTIFUL! We went early to make sure we got a seat. I love singing Christmas carols. Luckily they started them early so it filled the time. Most of them I know by heart. They played just about all of my favourites: Oh Come all ye Faithful, Silent Night, The First Noel, Angels We have Heard on High, Joy to the World. I was enjoying it. I used to go to church every Sunday but got out of the habit (especially with my crazy hectic work schedule and having to work a lot of weekends.) There never seemed to be time and the few times I had gone to mass with Michelle (for weddings, communions etc) never went well -- she was restless and acting up. Now that she was older I figured she'd be much better behaved. And she WAS but she started to lose patience and started asking when it would be over halfway through the mass.<br />
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When it was over I wanted to stick around for a bit to get some photos -- I'm a photoholic! I can't help it! The church was so beautiful and I just couldn't resist! Michelle didn't mind getting some pictures even though she couldn't wait to get home and open some presents. She was also excited about Santa coming that night. I assured her that he would but that she'd have to go to sleep because he always waits until after kids have gone to sleep. In the morning we would come down and find our presents from him under the tree. (Yes he always leaves a little something for Mama too!)<br />
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There was a dark scary staircase off to the side but we braved it to go up to the balcony for a great view and we were glad we did. Michelle was nervous at first (she's not a big fan of the dark) but then she said it was like an adventure and she was so glad she went. I even set the timer to get a picture of us. A kind lady had taken our photos earlier but now we were the only ones up in the choir loft (and hoping we wouldn't get in trouble for sneaking up there!)<br />
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I was so happy that we got to Christmas mass. Christmas is the birth of Jesus after all and it felt right to celebrate with him in church. I really should get to church more often it's just not easy. As a kid Mom dragged us every single week and it felt more like a chore and a punishment than anything. I don't ever want Michelle to feel that way about it. To me that defeats the purpose of going.<br />
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Say "Meow!" Michelle LOVES cats. Here she is snuggling with Ali and a couple of stuffed kitties to add to her already MASSIVE collection! It's a problem. If I see a stuffed cat that's cute and that she doesn't have yet I pretty much have to get it! I'm a shopaholic (really as addictions go I think mine -- shopping, taking photos, eating junk food -- are pretty forgivable! Everyone has their vices!)<br />
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Ali got a few presents too but she wasn't very good at posing. She chased after her catnip mice etc and all my shots were blurry.<br />
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Stuffies. You can never have too many. Well you probably CAN and she probably DOES but again, I can't help it! The truth is that I've always loved stuffed animals -- even before I had a child. FOR MYSELF. So now that I have a little girl to share everything with OF COURSE I am going to pick up cute stuffed animals when I see them. And she loves them. I don't think it can hurt to have lots of things to hug. I am glad that my girl is so loving and affectionate. She is always hugging and kissing me and giving me love notes (and I have been putting a love note in her school lunch every single day since she started school.) You can't love a kid too much. Hugging stuffies just makes her even more lovable and affectionate so, the more, the merrier!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w2RWsmhZASg/WkUfjLIVjCI/AAAAAAAARE8/1NfFoi8XXtgthPC2kjnW4l87IahdiLjuACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4589.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w2RWsmhZASg/WkUfjLIVjCI/AAAAAAAARE8/1NfFoi8XXtgthPC2kjnW4l87IahdiLjuACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4589.JPG" width="240" /></a>I found this magic set and thought she'd like it. She was fascinated by her cousin Reggie's magic set and she always tries to do tricks even without the props. She put on a little show for me and I feigned amazement at her tricks. She didn't have the patience to read through the actual instructions for the hundreds of tricks so she just improvised. It was still cute. The set came with a plastic top hat, magic wand, trick cards, rings etc. For some reason almost all kids seem to love magic. My nephew Dan used to be into magic as a child as well. Childhood itself is magical. It's all unicorns and rainbows and fairytales and Santa Claus. Magic and wonder and adventure and fun. Then you grow up and you lose your sense of magic. You get too lost in grown up realities and responsibilities. You lose your sense of fun. There isn't time. You give up on your dreams. They call it growing up but in some ways it's shrinking... (and sometimes you wind up seeing a shrink!) As a child your imagination is boundless. As a grown up, you start seeing limits. Of course if you're lucky, you never lose your childlike sense of wonder...</div>
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Christmas morning Michelle was thrilled to see our presents from Santa under the tree. I couldn't resist getting photos even though she was still in her jammies! I wasn't able to convince her to get dressed first. She was WAY too excited!<br />
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She had asked Santa for a teddy bear (a choice which was considerably better than her original idea -- to ask Santa for the $400 pink car at Toys R Us that Mama couldn't afford! Thankfully I was able to talk her out of it because logistically it just wouldn't work on so many levels!) and was anxious to see what kind of a bear he had for her. She was quite confident it would be a bear. Santa always delivers! Santa was kind enough to give Mama some bubble bath -- inviting me to pamper myself and take a moment to breathe. Unfortunately there never seemed to be time to take him up on this suggestion. Someone at work had said the same thing, that I had to take time for myself. But when I only had a 4 hour window to even grab some SLEEP most days, a bubble bath was pretty much out of the question!<br />
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Her gift was wrapped in paper AND in a gift bag to add to the suspense. The paper said "Ho ho ho!" and the bag had a Santa face on it. When you're Santa, you might as well roll with it!<br />
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I LOVE watching Michelle open her gifts. I used to love opening my presents as a kid but watching Michelle open hers is even more fun! It's like reliving my childhood again but better because I get to be an observer and share in Michelle's joy. These moments with her melt my heart and are the perfect antidote to the stress and mess that is the rest of my life...<br />
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A teddy bear! A cute one and a very special one because she even had a dress with Michelle's NAME ON IT! Well done Santa! And even a little necklace with Michelle's name on it. I am always looking for things with "Michelle" on them and coming up empty. Her name isn't one of the common girls' names these days (Amelia seems to be a favourite -- there are like two or three Amelias in her class.) Michelle was my best friend's name when I was a kid and of course was also a play on her father's name. I decided to keep it even after he skipped out. Anyway, I love Michelle's name and I was glad that Santa was able to find/make these personalized touches for Michelle. She was very happy and surprised. He even included a little teddy bear for her favourite doll Sara...<br />
(Santa thinks of EVERYTHING!)<br />
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I got in a few shots after we were dressed. Photos of kids in pajamas = cute. Photo of Mama in pjs (with her hair a wreck and no make up etc)? Not so cute! Maybe if I'd had cute Christmas pajames to match Michelle's I would have considered it.<br />
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Another day. Another ugly Christmas sweater! It's actually kind of cute. This time with a cat on it. And sequins. Of course. The best part is that it says "Meowy Christmas!" Because when you're sleep deprived, hanging by a thread and on the verge of a full scale mental breakdown you have to at LEAST find a way to lighten up and laugh at yourself! Plus I love cats and if I see anything with a cat on it I pretty much HAVE to buy it!<br />
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I love Michelle's reactions. She is so animated. Larger than life. Her joy and excitement is infectious!<br />
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I swear that watching Michelle open her gifts is even more fun than opening my own gifts was when I was a kid. I think. From what I remember. This just trumps everything. Even after going through so many rough days it absolutely melts my heart and makes my life to see Michelle so happy.<br />
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She really is all that keeps me going. I love her so much. And I would do just about anything to make her happy. So I am grateful that she is happy. Now we just have to work on Mama...<br />
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Michelle had asked for the Chocolate Pen. I had my doubts about it but I gave in. (My doubts were VERY WELL-FOUNDED as you will see later!) She was so happy that I got it for her. I was concerned that it wouldn't work the way it was supposed to (which of course it DIDN'T).<br />
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I have a hard time saying no to Michelle and at least it wasn't a $400 pink Cadillac so it was within the realm of possibility. To the degree that I can I try to give Michelle what she wants. Her happiness is my #1 priority. My own happiness, doesn't even make the top 10 in my priority list, based on the evidence and how little I take care of myself. In my defense there was just never time. Sometimes I felt like I was never still for more than a minute, if that. At home, I almost never sit down. There's always something to do. Even on my laptop for the few internet moments I steal, I'm standing. When not at home I'm almost always driving/working/on the move.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ta-dah! </span><br />
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Michelle certainly isn't photo shy anymore (if she ever was!) Now she enjoys posing for the camera. I wanted to just snap candid shots of her opening her gifts naturally but she would ham it up and pose for me. I guess it's hard to be "natural" with the paparazzi snapping away at your every move. She is becoming quite a Diva and loves the attention so I suppose I've created a monster! As a photoholic however having a child that actually cooperates and LOOKS at the camera and SMILES is a godsend! I can't ask for better than that! Once in a while she does tire of the camera and say "Mama. Do you HAVE to take so many pictures?!" but more often than not she's as happy to be in the photos as I am to be taking them!<br />
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Pure joy! I love this face!<br />
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I didn't even notice that her bow had come undone because I was too busy looking at her happy face. This is the best gift of all for me -- just getting to watch Michelle's excitement as she opens her gifts. I remember in the past as I got older and wasn't getting toys anymore I felt like I was missing out. I would watch my younger brothers open their gifts and feel like Christmas wasn't as fun for me anymore. Now it's like I get to relive my childhood through Michelle -- her joy is mine, only magnified. I feel all her excitement. It's palpable. Someone once said having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body. And it is -- everything that happens to them happens to you. That's why you want the best for them. That's why you want them happy and you couldn't bear to see them hurt. At least that's how I feel. She's like part of me but the most precious, most important part.<br />
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Another present she had asked for. The Hatchimals hatchery. I was a little bitter last Christmas when I wasn't able to get my hands on a "Hatchimal" because they were sold out everywhere but then I got one for her at Easter. (What better time to give someone an egg anyway?!) I have to hand it to the geniuses at Spin Master -- they have capitalized on the whole egg/surprise thing. Now they have these little mini eggs with mini collectible animals. Michelle already had a LOT of them and now she had a tree playset/hatchery thing for them. She was thrilled. It was adorable so I didn't mind getting it for her. There are so many cute toys for girls. I have a hard time saying no to something cute. I think I have as much fun buying collectibles for Michelle as she does playing with them!<br />
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And then it was on to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas #2 (or #3?) Michelle and I opened our gifts from Grandma and Grandpa because with our huge family there wasn't room for everyone's presents in the car at the big family get together so we decided to leave ours for later. Plus it gave us something to look forward to when all the chaos was over with at Auntie May's.<br />
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We were heading to Auntie May's again afterward to celebrate my Dad's birthday as well. Michelle certainly wasn't complaining about having so many Christmas celebrations. And she always loves visiting with family. It was tough to tear her away from her new toys though.<br />
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Auntie May in her adorable Mrs. Claus outfit! So cute! She didn't keep it on too long. It was just for the photo. Their house is always so warm you have to roll up your sleeves or wear a t-shirt. Michelle had a ball at Auntie May's and I always love visiting at my sister's place.<br />
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Chris and Mike had already given dad his birthday presents at the Christmas celebration. Having your birthday near Christmas you wind up having them both lumped in together but at least Dad got a separate celebration with May and I. Dan and Julie were there as well. We had a blast talking and laughing at dinner. Shane made a brisket which was BEYOND DELICIOUS but my Mom's compliments were awkward to say the least. She told Shane "This is so tender you could eat it WITHOUT ANY TEETH!" We laughed our heads off at that but it got even better (worse!)<br />
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My Mom told Shane that he's such a good cook he should get a job cooking the last meal for death row inmates! I know she meant well (that you would want your last meal to be the best ever!) but it just sounded wrong on so many levels and we all nearly died laughing. I had to run to the washroom before I wet myself. Then I was telling Dan and Julie about Mom's hoarding and how she has so many random things you could name just about ANYTHING on Earth and she probably has one. She's been preparing for the Apocalypse even before Y2K (and that was a big nothing burger after all!)<br />
"An axe?" Julie asked.<br />
My Mom replied "Yes. Beside my bed." (WHAT?! Don't even ask!)<br />
"A raft?" Dan asked.<br />
"Yes," Mom said, "but only one oar." (So when the deluge comes, she'll float away but can only go in a circle?) No matter how bad life gets I can count on my family to make me laugh!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qZNPQ6jV8Hk/WlLJQyt4i-I/AAAAAAAARKQ/D0CuQoepDYAk6GHcNgnEjRRk4j7nJBheQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4715.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qZNPQ6jV8Hk/WlLJQyt4i-I/AAAAAAAARKQ/D0CuQoepDYAk6GHcNgnEjRRk4j7nJBheQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4715.JPG" width="240" /></a>You know those #Fail photos you see when someone attempts to make something and it turns out NOTHING like the original photo? Yeah. So one day Michelle talks me into trying her new Chocolate Pen. Sure. I mean how can you go wrong with chocolate? Well you can, go very VERY wrong. I wanted to fling that chocolate pen across the room. It didn't work. I melted the chocolate I put it in the stupid pen and it just wouldn't squeeze out properly. It was a fiasco. So we had to instead just awkwardly smush the melted chocolate with our fingers into the molds. On top of that the blue chocolate was missing. By the end of the failed experiment I was pretty stressed but stressed backwards spells DESSERTS and at least there was chocolate to cheer me up! I was mad that the pen was crap though and wound up returning it as defective. I'm not a big fan of baking in general which is probably for the best or I'd weigh 1000 pounds. When there are sweets around it's very hard for me not to eat them!<br />
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Well, it was a rough go but I did it! I survived Christmas! Got through December, got through 2017. There were quite a few moments I didn't think I'd make it.<br />
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Of course 2017 was a tough year for a lot of people. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to call it an apocalyptic year. I decided to do a blog about it (the post just before this one: "2017 had its moments -- all of them bad!) I thought it would be good to take a more global perspective for a change except that it got out of hand. The more that I researched, the more I wanted to include. I knew that there were a lot of natural disasters and tragedies but I only knew the tip of the iceberg. There were so many stories to share and it became overwhelming. I don't know how I even found the time (insomnia helped!) but somehow I did it. And it was therapeutic in a weird way to get it all out.<br />
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And then it was New Year's Eve. I spent it with my Mom and Michelle. 2017 was a tough year. I was hoping that 2018 would be much better on a personal and a global level. Both myself and the planet were pretty stressed out! I was hoping we would all find peace. Sure. Could happen!<br />
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I took my parents out to dinner and then we just hung out at my Mom's to watch the ball drop in NYC on TV. Even though we weren't going anywhere fancy Michelle loves any opportunity to dress up and we all dressed up in silver. I got some goofy props -- hats, glasses, etc -- to add to the photos. I am a photoholic after all. I've never done anything too exciting on New Years. Even when I was in a relationship and tried going to events and parties it was usually a huge disappointment. Sometimes the best New Year's is just staying home with the one(s) you love...<br />
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My Mom had fun with the silly poses too. Here she's laughing her head off. I couldn't believe she had shiny silver pants! (Then again I should have expected it because she does have one of everything on Earth! Including one oar for her inflatable life raft!)<br />
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You would never know my Mom is in her 70s. She looks like a young girl. I love this picture of Mom and Michelle. They're just crazy.<br />
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Such a DIVA! This is a great shot of my little party girl! So cute. I used a sparkly blanket I had as a backdrop for our photo shoot. It worked pretty well except when it would fall down between shots. I loved the pictures of Michelle and my Mom but I wasn't a fan of any of the shots of me. To me they were too close up and I look TIRED. Of course I WAS tired, as always but you don't want to LOOK tired.<br />
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I wanted to celebrate 2018. To commemorate the fact that 2017, one of the worst years ever, was over and that we had gotten through it.<br />
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The New Year always feels like a clean slate, a fresh start, a chance to get it right. Unfortunately my problems weren't just magically going to go away.<br />
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Glamour shots! Can you believe this pose?! This is her coy Princess pose. Complete with tiara! I think of people standing for hours in Times Square, shivering, waiting for the ball to drop to count down the seconds to midnight and on some level I think yes, it would be epic to do that some day, to be at the center of it all. Still, I think I'd rather be inside where it's warm and cuddling and laughing with my little girl to welcome the New Year. I wasn't sure I'd be able to stay up until midnight but I did. We hugged and kissed and said "Happy New Year" and my Mom and I sang "Auld Lang Syne."<br />
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Happy New Year! Welcome 2018!<br />
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So here we are. I'd like to say that the year is off to a good start (as I finish this it's already mid-February! Time flies!) but it has actually been pretty rocky so far. The bad news is that my problems didn't miraculously disappear in January (Some of them even got worse!) so I was still a stressed out (sleep deprived, running on less than empty) mess. The good news is that I'm working on it... I'm finally taking better care of myself (or trying at least.) But I'll save those details for the next blog post about Jan-Feb... Which at this rate will be done in April...?Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-45466855666654447102017-12-28T01:18:00.001-05:002018-01-01T23:26:00.647-05:002017 had its moments... All of them bad!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times (to misquote Dickens!) A year of political unrest, rampant idiocy, negligence, monsters in power, violence, racism, a drug epidemic, unspeakable tragedies and apocalyptic natural disasters, 2017 was the year when you found yourself asking "Good Lord, could things get any WORSE?" and unfortunately the answer was a resounding "YES! Check THIS out!" Every time I logged on to Twitter it seemed some fresh horror was trending.
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I ain gone lie, 2017 was like a wake up call or sumn... this year sucked..</div>
— me (@RDM_15) <a href="https://twitter.com/RDM_15/status/935920486260858883?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">On a personal level it was a rough year for me too. Stress and anxiety (over my own life and the world in general), sleep deprivation, long hours running on empty, trips to the hospital etc. A terrible bout of pneumonia that began in late 2016 continued into 2017. For that I blame Trump (and the Russians!) for the traumatising American election! (And I'm CANADIAN! I can't imagine how horrifying it must have been for Americans!) Anyway, I barely slept a wink after November 9 2016! It was like a living nightmare. This could NOT be happening, could it?! Is this the world now?! Is this what we've come to?! Admittedly I'm not ordinarily very political but the election came as a shock to me. It sickened me, literally and figuratively. I watched in expectation of seeing the first female President! A historic event. Instead it went the other way. Toxic masculinity triumphed. Trump becoming President was an abomination. A man who BOASTED about grabbing women by their genitals, who couldn't be more racist if he was wearing a pointy white hood, a liar con artist fool that defrauded thousands of students with a bogus university was now somehow the leader of the Free World. A real life Idiocracy. It was tragic and I feared the consequences for the US and the world would be catastrophic. I tweeted this and I wasn't even exaggerating. Trump being elected seemed like a sign of the Apocalypse and there would be many further signs to come...</span></div>
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9/11 <br />
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Tragedy in America.<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Trumpocalypse?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Trumpocalypse</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/proudtobeCanadian?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#proudtobeCanadian</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ElectionResults?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ElectionResults</a></div>
— Ann Marie Pincivero (@ampincivero) <a href="https://twitter.com/ampincivero/status/796355881772388352?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 9, 2016</a></blockquote>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/O1ngYEQWRQ4/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/O1ngYEQWRQ4?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: right; float: right;" width="320"></iframe>I wrote a song about Trump as well: "Dark Days: Trump as President." I was hoping the Electoral College would correct their mistake and get him out but they failed to. Then I was hoping Trump would be impeached but it's taking a lot longer than expected. He managed to make it through 2017, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake...<br />
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Here is a link to the video on Youtube:</div>
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This blog is normally about my daughter and I/my journey as a single Mom but I thought I'd make an exception and dedicate a post to one of the most harrowing, insane years that I can remember. A year that broke records and broke hearts. A year where every day in the news was like a cross between a hilarious SNL skit and a disturbing horror movie -- too awful, too absurd to be true, except it WAS... </div>
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[concert]<br />
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight<br />
CROWD: woo<br />
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months</div>
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) <a href="https://twitter.com/bobvulfov/status/861808496098127873?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 9, 2017</a></blockquote>
<span style="color: #222222;">Through the tragedies and trials, somehow we still got through 2017! Yay! Look at us go! It's DECEMBER already! They say that time flies when you're having fun but lately it seems that it flies even when you're going through Hell on Earth! So let's pat ourselves on the back for getting through this rough patch and let's hope that 2018 will be better. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, we must be like Hercules by now!</span></div>
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Humour is a survival mechanism. Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry... </div>
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Not really how I imagined the second coming <a href="https://t.co/dFQe1AlD5l">pic.twitter.com/dFQe1AlD5l</a></div>
— Add your name (@Sturrfridge) <a href="https://twitter.com/Sturrfridge/status/820313950365614085?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 14, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Here's a look back at some of the highlights (aka LOW lights) of what I'm sure will be remembered as a very bizarre year, where crazy became the new normal and almost nothing could surprise us anymore. </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">JANUARY</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IK5JaCctv7g/WjpQiLVPgbI/AAAAAAAAQ2A/rni1JsshorMVDd2VU3mdK8gOm1Td7dBLACLcBGAs/s1600/Trump%2Binauguration.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="550" data-original-width="1050" height="208" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IK5JaCctv7g/WjpQiLVPgbI/AAAAAAAAQ2A/rni1JsshorMVDd2VU3mdK8gOm1Td7dBLACLcBGAs/s400/Trump%2Binauguration.jpg" width="400" /></a>Size matters... </div>
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President Trump despite winning the election (thanks to an antiquated and grossly unfair Electoral College system) was already butt-hurt that he lost the popular vote by 3 million to Hillary Clinton. #ImStillWithHer My heart broke for Hillary Clinton, for America and the world. I cried my way through her book "What Happened" -- it's brilliant, inspiring and heart-breaking. As she says in her book, rather than looking back in regret we need to move onward together. Resist! Insist! Persist! Enlist!<br />
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A lot of "what happened" to affect the election (the collusion with Russia, those damned emails etc) I knew. What I didn't know much about (and learned from her book) was voter suppression -- which is diabolical and INFURIATING! Why is this allowed?! How is that a democracy?! Even with all that Hillary had thrown at her she still won the popular vote by more than 3 million. She should have been the first female President! Instead the glass ceiling remained intact and a racist, narcissist, misogynist imbecile was elected. Trump is a small man. Small-minded, selfish, simple. He could never measure up to the great leader Obama was (or that Clinton would have been.) Then, to deflate his fragile ego even further Trump's inauguration was, like his hands and his brain, a little on the small side...SAD!</div>
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The crowd size comparison, from 2009 and today. <a href="https://t.co/iMYZy9PRK8">pic.twitter.com/iMYZy9PRK8</a></div>
— Matt Viser (@mviser) <a href="https://twitter.com/mviser/status/822480417727115268?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 20, 2017</a></blockquote>
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i need to see a birth certificate to be sure Donald Trump was born and not summoned</div>
— Ziwe (@ziwe) <a href="https://twitter.com/ziwe/status/817937507107094528?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
<span style="color: #222222;">Trump already hated Obama as evidenced by his constant criticisms, the Birther Conspiracy etc. The hatred no doubt grows out of envy. Clearly Obama is everything that Trump is NOT: attractive, competent, intelligent, kind, honorable. Also, Trump is a White Supremacist. He just couldn't accept a black President. He had to attempt (feebly) to delegitimize him. The greatest irony is that Trump was constantly criticizing Obama for playing golf and Trump has been golfing more than any President EVER.</span></div>
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Trump has now spent 1 in 4 days as president at a Trump golf club. Here’s a reminder of how he attacked Obama for golfing (Obama played golf far less often). <a href="https://t.co/xpKlaaVYRP">pic.twitter.com/xpKlaaVYRP</a></div>
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) <a href="https://twitter.com/brianklaas/status/934776300702748672?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 26, 2017</a></blockquote>
<span style="color: #222222;">Trump is the classic example of the pot calling the kettle black. He is a pathological liar and a hypocrite. He constantly criticizes others (usually wrongfully) for the things he's actually guilty of himself. He insults the media calling them #FakeNews when he is the KING of fake news. Most of what he says is either inaccurate, misleading, propagandic or just outright absurd. </span></div>
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<b> <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/06/23/opinion/trumps-lies.html?mtrref=twitter.com&gwh=F6A7593DD0DA6073538A260E72717133&gwt=pay&assetType=opinion" target="_blank">New York Times: President Trump's Lies: Definitive List</a></b></div>
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<a href="https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2017/07/20/donald-trump-said-397-false-things-in-six-months-heres-what-weve-learned.html" target="_blank"><b>Toronto Star: Donald Trump said 414 false things in 1st 6 mos</b></a></div>
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This Canadian journalist, every single day in the Toronto Star, lists all the lies that Donald Trump spoke that day. Shames the US media. <a href="https://t.co/Plb9wjKfbF">https://t.co/Plb9wjKfbF</a></div>
— Michael Moore (@MMFlint) <a href="https://twitter.com/MMFlint/status/778487184416538624?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 21, 2016</a></blockquote>
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So of course Trump caught wind of this and blocked Daniel Dale. </div>
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The president of the United States has blocked me on Twitter <a href="https://t.co/l1L2ElYAOB">pic.twitter.com/l1L2ElYAOB</a></div>
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) <a href="https://twitter.com/ddale8/status/915181122665029632?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">But then Trump blocks anyone who disagrees with him. And there are a LOT of them...</span></div>
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Let's face it, Trump is an abomination. Most sane, rational citizens in America and around the world were shocked and horrified that Trump was actually THE PRESIDENT. It was like a bad joke, a surreal SNL skit gone horribly awry (incidentally Alec Baldwin is BRILLIANT in his scathing impressions of Trump -- so accurate that it enraged Trump to no end!) </div>
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Just tried watching Saturday Night Live - unwatchable! Totally biased, not funny and the Baldwin impersonation just can't get any worse. Sad</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/805278955150471168?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 4, 2016</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-05sNwO-ylOU/WjpT3KvAToI/AAAAAAAAQ2s/W0YLVtTUm8oQwCLwJggXXhSDTSmqALmFwCLcBGAs/s1600/womens%2Bmarch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-05sNwO-ylOU/WjpT3KvAToI/AAAAAAAAQ2s/W0YLVtTUm8oQwCLwJggXXhSDTSmqALmFwCLcBGAs/s320/womens%2Bmarch.jpg" width="320" /></a>Having a misogynist (narcissist, racist imbecile etc) in the White House wasn't good news. In response to Trump's inauguration millions marched worldwide in the Women's March on January 21st. With 420 marches in the US and nearly 170 in other countries it was <b>the largest single day protest in American history</b> and the biggest global protest in recent history. Trump's fragile male ego took a huge blow seeing the march trump his inauguration numbers, by A LOT.</div>
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Fairly staggering difference in crowd numbers between <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Inauguration?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Inauguration</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/WomensMarch?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#WomensMarch</a> <a href="https://t.co/cqmG36XNCe">pic.twitter.com/cqmG36XNCe</a></div>
— David Mack (@davidmackau) <a href="https://twitter.com/davidmackau/status/822851633474322435?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 21, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Crowd scientists say Women’s March in Washington had 3 times as many people as Donald Trump’s inauguration <a href="https://t.co/uQhrvqeYD0">https://t.co/uQhrvqeYD0</a></div>
— The New York Times (@nytimes) <a href="https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/823213680313716737?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 22, 2017</a></blockquote>
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So what did Trump do? He used a picture of the Women's March and hung it up in the White House as an "Inauguration Day" photo. Even though the photographer's date at the bottom shows it as January 21st rather than 20th. For real. Just another of Trump's endless lies/illusions/fake news. Look how many people came to my inauguration! All wearing PINK! LOL<br />
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In addition to all the hot air Trump was blowing, strong winds were whipping through Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Georgia with a terrible tornado outbreak in January. This would be a prelude to many storms to come in 2017. </div>
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January 21-23, 2017 Tornado Outbreak One of Largest Winter Outbreaks on Record in U.S. <a href="https://t.co/2QhcQmuNUk">https://t.co/2QhcQmuNUk</a> <a href="https://t.co/80OSxZOXCS">pic.twitter.com/80OSxZOXCS</a></div>
— Weather Underground (@wunderground) <a href="https://twitter.com/wunderground/status/824700962291937280?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 26, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump started showing his racist, xenophobic colors early in the year with a despicable "Muslim ban." It certainly seemed to be the opposite of the American sentiment on the Statue of Liberty: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these the homeless tempest tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" Trump made it abundantly clear that no one was welcome in his Divided States of America except ignorant White Supremacists like himself. He wanted to build a wall around Mexico to keep out what he called "bad hombres" (and make them pay for it. As if. Yeah, Mexico pretty much told him to go f*&% himself. So Americans would have to foot the bill. Trump quickly realized that was impossible. Yeah, math is hard. $20 billion for a 2000 mile wall along the Mexico-US border is a little cost prohibitive. Just another of Trump's delusions.) Trump wanted to stop new refugees/immigrants from coming in to the US and even deport immigrants that were already here. What a sweetheart. I guess he forgot his own wife is an immigrant and that (aside from Aboriginal people) America is a melting pot of people from all over the world... He supposedly wanted to reduce the threat of terrorism. Curiously the countries actual terrorists came from (the monsters responsible for 9/11 etc) were not even included in the ban ie Saudi Arabia, Egypt, UAE. Of course Trump couldn't ban countries that he does business with! Profit comes first after all!<br />
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Donald Trump’s Muslim Ban Is Cowardly and Dangerous, via <a href="https://twitter.com/nytimes?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@nytimes</a><br />
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Read this. <a href="https://t.co/1gVCTQA2Xi">https://t.co/1gVCTQA2Xi</a></div>
— John Lithgow (@JohnLithgow) <a href="https://twitter.com/JohnLithgow/status/825775487985213440?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Trump's deplorable executive order (as most of his ridiculous, odious acts) met with resistance. Protesters made it clear that they did not share Trump's sentiments towards other countries/cultures/races...</span></div>
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When snowflakes create a blizzard. ❤️❄️ <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/NoBanNoWall?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#NoBanNoWall</a> <a href="https://t.co/aiUFPWPiM7">pic.twitter.com/aiUFPWPiM7</a></div>
— Ricky Davila 🇵🇷 (@TheRickyDavila) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheRickyDavila/status/825842743217942528?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump certainly made it all too easy for comics to mock him. He's a walking joke. Late Night talk show hosts didn't even have to exaggerate. They could literally read a Trump statement verbatim and it would elicit laughter. Because it was just that ridiculous. And when you're going through tough times, laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry (or scream or have nightmares.) Someone on Twitter decided to make light of Trump's ludicrous orders with some creative artwork. "Trump Draws" mocks his executive orders with a series of videos/gifs depicting infantile drawings and misspellings (Trump's inability to spell isn't even an exaggeration. To err is human but when you're the PRESIDENT you'd think you might SPELL CHECK before sending out tweets...)</div>
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me <a href="https://t.co/R64NwAYGKu">pic.twitter.com/R64NwAYGKu</a></div>
— Trump Draws (@TrumpDraws) <a href="https://twitter.com/TrumpDraws/status/826542931112660992?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;">FEBRUARY</span></b></div>
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The Gong Show that was Trump's administration gave satirists SOOOO much to work with. Queen of alternative facts (aka Fake News) bumbling, co-dependent Counselor to the President, Kellyanne Conway went so far as to <b>invent</b> a massacre to justify Trump's travel ban. It had simply never happened. Seriously. She claimed that she just misspoke when she called it the "Bowling Green Massacre" during an interview (when really it was just a couple of refugees who were arrested in Kentucky in 2011 because of possible ties to terrorism.) This fictitious massacre naturally became fodder for Twitter humour:</div>
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Finding these Bowling Green Massacre jokes to be a little too soon. Out of respect, we should wait until it takes place.</div>
— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) <a href="https://twitter.com/justinshanes/status/827402179963080705?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Here are all the names of the people that perished in the Bowling Green Massacre. May they Rest In Peace <a href="https://t.co/vB3k6vNz2y">pic.twitter.com/vB3k6vNz2y</a></div>
— Sam Z Comedy (@SamZComedy) <a href="https://twitter.com/SamZComedy/status/827388932622913536?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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"Where were you when the pinz fell?" <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/bowlinggreen?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#bowlinggreen</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/bowlinggreenmassacre?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#bowlinggreenmassacre</a> <a href="https://t.co/dMCKq1AlCj">pic.twitter.com/dMCKq1AlCj</a></div>
— Alex Backes 🎅🏻🎄☃️ (@alex_backes) <a href="https://twitter.com/alex_backes/status/827378571148615680?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Very grateful no one seriously hurt in the Louvre attack ...or the (completely fake) Bowling Green Massacre. Please don't make up attacks.</div>
— Chelsea Clinton (@ChelseaClinton) <a href="https://twitter.com/ChelseaClinton/status/827518183934394370?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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I love that Chelsea Clinton called Conway out on this alternative fact! Incidentally the Louvre attack was an ISIS terrorist with machetes attacking soldiers outside the art museum in Paris, France. Luckily no one was badly hurt because he didn't have a gun. He shouted "Allahu akbar!" as ISIS tends to do. And yes God IS great but you are horrible ISIS! Stop attacking innocent people in God's name you imbeciles. God is love. You are serving Satan and you will go to Hell!<br />
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So while the Bowling Green Massacre was amusing it was also kind of scary. What's truly frightening about Trump supporters (who tend to be ignorant/delusional -- hence their support of a madman) is that they fall for these fictional/alternative facts. They believe the propaganda. They drink the Kool-Aid. They don't fact check. Pro-Trump media like Fox News and Breitbart would keep the lies coming. Trump would call REAL news media such as CNN and the New York Times "Fake media." So up was down and dogs were cats. And if you were one of the white rural uneducated "MAGA" red-hat-wearing racist xenophobic Trump voters, you ate it up. Trump would speak and you'd believe him. As Trump had boasted he could "stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose voters." Because that's the sort of hateful trigger-happy folk that voted him in. They hated Obama. They hated immigrants. And Trump, the white billionaire, was going to save them from it all.</div>
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Trump's cabinet picks were, not surprisingly, ogres as odious as himself. Of course they met with resistance. When he appointed racist Jeff Sessions as Attorney General, Senator Elizabeth Warren had something to say about it. She read aloud from a letter by Martin Luther King Jr's widow, Coretta Scott King opposing Sessions' appointment as a judge. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ordered Warren to sit and be silent. McConnell said that Warren had been warned but "nevertheless she persisted." This phrase became a feminist battle cry inspiring others to speak up and stand up for what's right. #ShePersisted trended on Twitter. Chelsea Clinton even wrote a children's book about it.<br />
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By silencing Elizabeth Warren, the GOP gave women around the world a rallying cry. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ShePersisted?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ShePersisted</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/LetLizSpeak?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#LetLizSpeak</a> <a href="https://t.co/uH6WIngHaL">pic.twitter.com/uH6WIngHaL</a></div>
— Kamala Harris (@KamalaHarris) <a href="https://twitter.com/KamalaHarris/status/829379045729169410?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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"She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted."<br />
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So must we all.<a href="https://t.co/JXROGHPNkH">https://t.co/JXROGHPNkH</a></div>
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) <a href="https://twitter.com/HillaryClinton/status/829393915325321217?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Heroes like Elizabeth Warren gave us hope. Trump and his monsters could try to destroy America and the world but they would meet with #Resistance.<br />
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In his rambling, ridiculous press conference in February, Trump revealed just how clueless (and mentally unstable) he was. </div>
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Up until an hour ago, the scariest thing I'd ever watched was Psycho. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TrumpPresser?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TrumpPresser</a></div>
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) <a href="https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/832302368553312257?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 16, 2017</a></blockquote>
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"He should do this with a therapist, not on live television." -- GOP senator to <a href="https://twitter.com/JohnKingCNN?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@JohnKingCNN</a> in reaction to Trump's press conference</div>
— Brian Fallon (@brianefallon) <a href="https://twitter.com/brianefallon/status/832310629167927296?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 16, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The story ISN'T the press conference. It isn't his attack on the press. It's that Trump has no problem w/ Flynn talking sanctions w/ Russia.</div>
— Glenn Thrush (@GlennThrush) <a href="https://twitter.com/GlennThrush/status/832301693937340416?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 16, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Yup. We're sitting in Europe just thinking, what the hell is going on over there? <a href="https://t.co/1F5Mc9zAyV">pic.twitter.com/1F5Mc9zAyV</a></div>
— TheSavannaLady (@TheSavannaLady) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheSavannaLady/status/832328593262907393?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 16, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/02/27/inside-trumps-surreal-press-conference" target="_blank"><b>New Yorker article: Inside Trump's Surreal Press Conference</b></a></span><br />
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Clearly when a lunatic is the leader of the Free World, we've gone off the rails!<br />
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Mother Nature was also having a meltdown with a number of storms throughout the year. In February Cyclone Dineo ripped through Mozambique. Only 55 were injured but 100,000 people were displaced.<br />
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2017 would turn out to be a record-breaking year for tropical storms. Climate change was clearly wreaking havoc on the planet and we could not ignore it (though some may try...) The one saving grace was that with our modern technology we are able to predict and track storms faster than ever so people can be evacuated to safety preventing fatalities. The storms were still devastating leaving many homeless.<br />
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The trail of destruction left by cyclone <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Dineo?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Dineo</a> in Inhambane Mozambique. Pictures courtesy of TV Mozambique. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/sabcnews?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#sabcnews</a> <a href="https://t.co/f5yjIKfHke">pic.twitter.com/f5yjIKfHke</a></div>
— Mweli Masilela (@mwelimasilela) <a href="https://twitter.com/mwelimasilela/status/832101974241902596?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 16, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Fires, floods and famine would ravage several areas around the globe for much of 2017.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/08/world/asia/fire-tears-through-manila-slum-leaving-15000-homeless.html?smprod=nytcore-ipad&smid=nytcore-ipad-share" target="_blank"><b>New York Times: Fire Tears Through Manila Slum </b></a></span></div>
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Meanwhile not surprisingly Trump's "Muslim ban" or "Immigration ban" was under fire...</div>
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Everybody is arguing whether or not it is a BAN. Call it what you want, it is about keeping bad people (with bad intentions) out of country!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/826774668245946368?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 1, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Luckily people on the street weren't the only ones protesting the ban. The Supreme Court overturned Trump's xenophobic, unconstitutional Muslim ban. Trump responded in characteristic spoiled brat not-getting-his-way fashion. Over the years Trump used Twitter as his own personal rant page. One would have thought this might change once he became President because it's unprofessional and unpresidential to constantly insult people on Twitter but Trump changed nothing. If anything he became MORE offensive once he took office.<br />
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Because the ban was lifted by a judge, many very bad and dangerous people may be pouring into our country. A terrible decision</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/827996357252243456?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Vultures of a feather flock together. Putin, who Trump had praised as being "very smart" (of course because they were in cahoots to win Trump the election!) decriminalized domestic violence. Got misogyny?! How do you possibly justify making it legal to assault women? I guess the same way you can brag about grabbing women by the genitals and STILL be elected President of the US...</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://nytlive.nytimes.com/womenintheworld/2017/02/08/putin-signs-amendment-decriminalizing-domestic-violence-in-russia/" target="_blank"><b>New York Times article: Putin Decriminalizes Domestic Violence</b></a></span><br />
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The Divided States of America (Trump supporting racists and xenophobes vs sane rational citizens who respect diversity and all that the country was supposed to stand for) wasn't the only nation in turmoil. The United Kingdom was also pretty divided about whether they should have left the European Union. </div>
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One person summed it up with a tweet:<br />
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.<br />
They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.</div>
— Jordan Tracey (@JordanTracey17) <a href="https://twitter.com/JordanTracey17/status/747112915354984448?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 26, 2016</a></blockquote>
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'Real fight starts now': Jeremy Corbyn's Brexit tweet prompts bruising response <a href="https://t.co/19qFIyFGep">https://t.co/19qFIyFGep</a></div>
— The Guardian (@guardian) <a href="https://twitter.com/guardian/status/829551481409925120?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 9, 2017</a></blockquote>
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This feels a bit like Monty Python & The Holy Grail when the Black Knight has all his limbs cut off & says: "Alright, we'll call it a draw". <a href="https://t.co/krVgTNTntH">https://t.co/krVgTNTntH</a></div>
— Stewart Wood (@StewartWood) <a href="https://twitter.com/StewartWood/status/829455314198069248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Everyone knew that Russia interfered in the 2016 election to get Trump elected so it was no surprise when Trump's National Security Adviser resigned in February.<br />
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Michael Flynn resigns as President Trump's national security adviser amid controversy over Russia contacts <a href="https://t.co/CueKOgEQ0C">https://t.co/CueKOgEQ0C</a> <a href="https://t.co/Q7RSNu6rO3">pic.twitter.com/Q7RSNu6rO3</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/831468659923103744?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 14, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The irony is delicious: Michael Flynn led cheer of "Lock her up" at RNC and now he's begging for immunity so he doesn't get locked up</div>
— (((DeanObeidallah))) (@Deanofcomedy) <a href="https://twitter.com/Deanofcomedy/status/847593264832229376?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Mike Flynn should ask for immunity in that this is a witch hunt (excuse for big election loss), by media & Dems, of historic proportion!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/847766558520856578?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 31, 2017</a></blockquote>
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A year of embarassing blunders, even the Oscars messed up royally. Best Picture was accidentally awarded to La La Land when it was meant for Moonlight... </div>
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well at least for the rest of my life when i make a mistake i'll think "at least i didn't fuck up as hard as the 2017 oscars envelope guy"</div>
— Daniel Howell (@danielhowell) <a href="https://twitter.com/danielhowell/status/836084630365274114?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 27, 2017</a></blockquote>
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not only did Moonlight win, but we got to watch La La Land actually have it taken out of their hands what a time to be alive</div>
— kreayshawn carter (@FranziaMom) <a href="https://twitter.com/FranziaMom/status/836082203985645568?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 27, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">MARCH</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0qZkI7YLgv4/WjpSlXm9zGI/AAAAAAAAQ2Y/p8VkeLnosJo39bmW4dO_o4opiYpQsL0XACLcBGAs/s1600/obama%2Bwiretap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="966" data-original-width="620" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0qZkI7YLgv4/WjpSlXm9zGI/AAAAAAAAQ2Y/p8VkeLnosJo39bmW4dO_o4opiYpQsL0XACLcBGAs/s320/obama%2Bwiretap.jpg" width="205" /></a></div>
Then in March Trump, who made a habit of saying something unbearably stupid/insane every single day (if not several times a day) went on a rant accusing Obama of wiretapping him. Because why not?!<br />
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I guess the guilt of Trump's collusion with Russia was getting to him and he was becoming paranoid delusional? Either that or Trump just wanted to create more fake news as part of his "smoke and mirrors" magic show/circus to take attention from the real (and quite terrifying) things that were actually taking place in his insane administration. How do you, as a President, and with virtually NO EVIDENCE accuse a former president of wiretapping? It's NUTS. Of course his supporters, delusional Obama-haters, would eat it up. Everyone else laughed their heads off.<br />
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Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my "wires tapped" in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/837989835818287106?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 4, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Kellyanne Conway, Trump's bumbling, codependent Presidential counselor, then played along with this insane paranoid delusion telling the press that there really are "microwave cameras" out there. Naturally, hilarious tweets ensued...<br />
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Welcome to <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/KellyanneConway?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#KellyanneConway</a> neurotic nightmares... <a href="https://t.co/DZaZrf07u4">pic.twitter.com/DZaZrf07u4</a></div>
— MudNHoney (@Mud_N_Honey) <a href="https://twitter.com/Mud_N_Honey/status/841308765009862662?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 13, 2017</a></blockquote>
The Trump adminiistration was just so easy to mock...<br />
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What happens when you wear a green tie on TV! 😂<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/PressBriefing?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#PressBriefing</a><br />
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(via <a href="https://twitter.com/McJesse?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@McJesse</a>) <a href="https://t.co/wOD2XDcSEW">pic.twitter.com/wOD2XDcSEW</a></div>
— The Hummingbird 🐦 (@SaysHummingbird) <a href="https://twitter.com/SaysHummingbird/status/842500604685684737?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 16, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">In 2017 even talking about the weather was stressful. Clearly we have done damage to the planet and Mother Earth is fighting back. Though climate change seems like something you really couldn't argue (like the Earth being round) not everyone is a fan of science...</span></div>
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Because he was an idiot long LONG before he became President, Trump tweeted in 2012:</div>
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The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/265895292191248385?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 6, 2012</a></blockquote>
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Being a climate change denier is convenient when you prize profits over people. Then you can justify polluting, raping and pillaging the environment without accountability. Climate change is real and undeniable. Science has proven that temperatures are rising and the devastating consequences for our planet and ourselves. As expected, as soon as he was in office Trump began dismantling the EPA. He even wanted to bring back COAL. Coal, people! Trump doesn't give a damn about carbon emissions. Trump is in his 70s and knows he won't be around in the future anyway. He's too selfish to actually worry about the future of the world for his children and grandchildren, and the rest of the world. </div>
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President Trump dramatically changes the US approach to climate change <a href="https://t.co/pNKLybArjd">https://t.co/pNKLybArjd</a> <a href="https://t.co/4IDI5w2QbH">pic.twitter.com/4IDI5w2QbH</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/846809622891630592?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 28, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Not surprisingly Trump chose a climate change denier like himself, Scott Pruitt, to run the Environmental Protection Agency (into the ground!) Let that sink in. Someone who DOESN'T BELIEVE in protecting the environment (who actually received large sums of money from the fossil fuel industry and who fought the EPA at every turn. Can you say CONFLICT OF INTEREST?!) is put in charge of it. It boggles the mind. But subtlety is not Trump's strong suit. And he gets away with this crap. Like he said in his campaign he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose voters. Pruitt claimed that CO2 is not a main contributor to climate change. You can't make this stuff up. Of course if you say it's not your fault, you can keep doing whatever you want, right?</span></div>
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This is like the Surgeon General saying cigarettes don't cause cancer, or head of NASA saying the Earth is flat.<a href="https://t.co/rBUAqtezyL">https://t.co/rBUAqtezyL</a></div>
— Peter Gleick (@PeterGleick) <a href="https://twitter.com/PeterGleick/status/839866853165948928?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 9, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Meanwhile a drought in Somalia, cyclone in Madagascar and flood in Peru would beg to differ. We do affect the planet and we ignore that fact at our own peril. Catastrophic storms to come later in the year would make it all too clear -- destroy Mother Earth and she will fight back... </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/mar/17/peruThe%20Guardian:%20Peru%20floods%20-floods-ocean-climate-change" target="_blank">Guardian article: Peru Flood Climate Change</a></span><br />
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On a lighter note, this little girl stole the show during Daddy's live press conference...<br />
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This guest managed to keep his composure when his children interrupted his live <a href="https://twitter.com/BBCWorld?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@BBCWorld</a> TV interview <a href="https://t.co/3x5tgsVR8R">pic.twitter.com/3x5tgsVR8R</a></div>
— BBC News (World) (@BBCWorld) <a href="https://twitter.com/BBCWorld/status/840172946211627009?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 10, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;">APRIL</span></b></div>
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Trump was a fan of saying that he won the election "by a landslide." He clearly doesn't know what the word means. He had a meagre victory through the Electoral College and LOST the popular vote by over 3 million. He kept having self-congratulatory rallies to celebrate his "YUGE" victory (incidentally the only leader to have done such a thing since Hitler. The comparisons between Trump and Hitler are many -- Narcissistic nationalists with bad hair choices -- but I digress...) Meanwhile in Colombia, an actual landslide killed hundreds. Mother Nature was not happy in 2017. Not that Trump would acknowledge climate change.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/apr/01/colombia-landslide-mocoa-putumayo-heavy-rains" target="_blank"><b>Guardian article: Colombia landslide leaves 254 dead & hundreds missing</b></a></span><br />
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To protest Trump's anti-environment anti-Science nonsense (he even forbade the term "Climate change" from being used. Seriously. "I deny climate change and I don't even want to HEAR the term!") a March for Science (also for Reality, Common Sense and The Obvious) was organized. Rallies and marches were held in Washington and 600 other cities around the globe on Earth Day April 22. Scientists wanted to express their concern over a government ignoring Science and thereby endangering the world. Sounds about right!<br />
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This strangely prophetic tweet NAILED IT. Reality really is stranger than fiction:<br />
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Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.</div>
— Scott Westerfeld (@ScottWesterfeld) <a href="https://twitter.com/ScottWesterfeld/status/446805144781348865?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 21, 2014</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">And then, because Trump wasn't doing quite enough damage to the Earth he dropped the Mother of All Bombs (seriously that's what it's called. Not even joking)... Ironically though Trump had no interest in helping Syrians originally (and banned their refugees fleeing the country) he claimed to suddenly be sickened by the atrocities committed by ISIS militants in Syria. So he bombed Afghanistan, trying to seem like a hero. Of course people were calling him out on his hypocrisy. Trump was a Nationalist who railed against Obama for involvement in the Syrian Civil War. Now he was doing the very thing he'd accused Obama of. Only worse. Because Trump's strike was completely ineffectual. Just more smoke and mirrors. Like Trump saying "Look what I can do!" (In the voice of Stuart from MadTV...)</span></div>
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Trump: How do I flex my military muscles with a good excuse?<br />
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Advisor: Drop a MOAB bomb in Afghanistan & say you hit ISIS.<br />
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Trump: Done.</div>
— The Hummingbird 🐦 (@SaysHummingbird) <a href="https://twitter.com/SaysHummingbird/status/852585759966187520?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 13, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Of course anyone who was paying attention was not buying Trump's hero act. Not by a LONG shot.<br />
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If Donald Trump truly cared about Syria he would help the refugees.<br />
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Not take 50 missiles and miss the target.</div>
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) <a href="https://twitter.com/tonyposnanski/status/850462709305012224?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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With the world falling apart before our very eyes, you might be tempted to get away from it all and go on vacation. But in 2017 even flying was a drag, LITERALLY! It was a PR nightmare too surreal to be believed but in keeping with the Bizarro world we were living in: In April, United Airlines forcibly removed a passenger (a doctor no less!) when he refused to volunteer his seat for an employee who needed it last minute. It boggles the mind! Is this what we've come to? No longer a civilized society but a bunch of barbarians who can literally drag a human beings by his legs when his only crime is SITTING IN A SEAT WHICH HE PAID FOR! It was ABOMINABLE. The poor man was not violent. He was not a criminal. He was a doctor who didn't want to give up his seat. Maybe he needed to get home to PERFORM A SURGERY or something. But some spoiled brat, entitled UA employee just HAD to have his seat. Maybe you shouldn't overbook then! At least you'll never have that problem again United because who the Hell would fly your horrid airline now?! Welcome to 2017! Cruelty & insanity are the new normal! At least it was caught on video/in photos. Like most things in 2017, you had to laugh or you'd cry...<br />
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United Airlines is pleased to announce new seating on all domestic flights- in addition to United First and Economy Plus we introduce.... <a href="https://t.co/KQjPClU2d2">pic.twitter.com/KQjPClU2d2</a></div>
— McNeil (@Reflog_18) <a href="https://twitter.com/Reflog_18/status/851452978104082434?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 10, 2017</a></blockquote>
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This person NAILED it!</div>
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Breaking: <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/United?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#United</a> CEO is seen walking with a friend on the beach. <a href="https://twitter.com/united?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@united</a> <a href="https://t.co/ock01bM64o">pic.twitter.com/ock01bM64o</a></div>
— Shada Escapee (@ShomahKhoobi) <a href="https://twitter.com/ShomahKhoobi/status/851605392035426305?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Even Merriam Webster couldn't resist throwing some epic shade at United Airlines with this tweet...<br />
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📈'Volunteer' means “someone who does something without being forced to do it.” <a href="https://t.co/qNAcMyplhZ">https://t.co/qNAcMyplhZ</a></div>
— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) <a href="https://twitter.com/MerriamWebster/status/851602942037819392?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
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#2017InANutshell -- Unbelievably odious behaviour, (by government, corporations etc) usually captured on video, is then followed by mocking on Twitter... Usually within minutes...</div>
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At least there was this if you needed a laugh...Happy Easter!<br />
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My favourite part of this is the caption saying the President (left) <br />
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— James Doleman (@jamesdoleman) <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesdoleman/status/853998538648420352?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2017</a></blockquote>
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This too -- vehicle break-ins by giant rodents...<br />
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Good morning. Another day, another 5ft squirrel trying to break into my car. <a href="https://t.co/8Er21o3wla">pic.twitter.com/8Er21o3wla</a></div>
— Paul Bronks (@BoringEnormous) <a href="https://twitter.com/BoringEnormous/status/857834735170723840?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 28, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">MAY</span></b></div>
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Oh the irony. Head of the FBI James Comey, who in his own way helped to get Trump elected (by blowing Hillary's email gaffe WAY out of proportion just before the election) was now investigating Trump's collusion with Russia. So of course Trump fires Comey. Nothing to see here... Trump said the real reason he let Comey go was his unfair treatment of Hillary Clinton?! I know, right?! I literally can't even. "Yeah I thought I'd fire you because you helped me get elected. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're investigating me now." Mmmm K.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2017/05/09/social-media-reaction-james-comey-firing/101489074/" target="_blank"><b>USA Today article: Tweets fly fast and furious following firing of FBI head Comey</b></a></span><br />
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Also kudos to USA Today for their alliteration! That's a lot of Fs! Of course there are other F words they could have used but that's probably not allowed. Like WTF?</div>
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At least France learned from America's mistake and did NOT vote in the Nationalist with an alt-right xenophobic agenda. Emmanuel Macron won the election over Marine Le Pen.<br />
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This is the first time the French version of anything has had a happier ending.</div>
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) <a href="https://twitter.com/kumailn/status/861279335247880192?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Just so unfair <a href="https://t.co/GWntjs0MeI">pic.twitter.com/GWntjs0MeI</a></div>
— Jon Lovett (@jonlovett) <a href="https://twitter.com/jonlovett/status/861293141709565953?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Just when you thought Trump couldn't be a bigger bonehead he would outdo himself. One night he accidentally posted a typo "covfefe" when trying to type the phrase "negative press coverage." He didn't catch the mistake for hours then posted this tweet as a childish "I meant to do that!" It was hilarious but also sort of horrifying. A bumbling fool is the leader of the Free World and no one is even babysitting him! He tweets from his golden throne, mistakes and all. There has never been a President like this. Nor should there be! Honestly, dude. You made a typo. It happens. Just OWN IT instead of trying to cover up like a psycho!</span><br />
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Who can figure out the true meaning of "covfefe" ??? Enjoy!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/869858333477523458?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 31, 2017</a></blockquote>
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— Jacob Oller (@JacobOller) <a href="https://twitter.com/JacobOller/status/869772804497051648?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 31, 2017</a></div>
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what makes me saddest is that I know I'll never write anything funnier than <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/covfefe?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#covfefe</a></div>
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) <a href="https://twitter.com/jimmykimmel/status/869799353724026880?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 31, 2017</a></blockquote>
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This is the way the world ends.<br />
This is the way the world ends.<br />
This is the way the world ends. <br />
Not with a bang but a covfefe.<br />
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-T.S. Eliot</div>
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) <a href="https://twitter.com/MikeDrucker/status/869809982610354176?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 31, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The world had gone insane and you never knew what would happen next. Then disaster struck with a despicable act of terror in Manchester, UK -- a bombing at an Ariana Grande concert. Twenty three were killed (including the suicide bomber), more than five hundred were injured and the whole world was heartbroken. ISIS claimed responsibility for the attack. It's a whole new level of evil when terrorists target CHILDREN. It boggles the mind.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/22/europe/manchester-arena-incident/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN article -- 22 Dead after blast at Ariana Grande Concert</b></a></span><br />
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broken. <br />
from the bottom of my heart, i am so so sorry. i don't have words.</div>
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) <a href="https://twitter.com/ArianaGrande/status/866849021519966208?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 23, 2017</a></blockquote>
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No words can describe how I feel about what happened in Manchester. I don't wanna believe that the world we live in could be so cruel.</div>
— Bruno Mars (@BrunoMars) <a href="https://twitter.com/BrunoMars/status/866810216259751937?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 23, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">No one wanted to believe we lived in such a cruel world. Unfortunately we do. Of course it didn't help that a complete ogre was the leader of the Free World. It doesn't set the bar very high...</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40069636" target="_blank"><b>BBC article -- G7 talks -- Trump isolated over climate change deal</b></a></span><br />
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If ever there was an "ugly American" Trump is it -- rude, brash, selfish, boorish, ignorant, immature. Never was this demonstrated more clearly than when he pushes past the Prime Minister of Montenegro in the famous video at the NATO Summit. The video summed up everything you need to know about Trump. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He's too clueless to care about optics. He will just blunder through anyone or anything that gets in his way so HE can be at the front of the line. It's pathetic. Somehow you almost feel sorry for him as he tugs at his jacket lapels... (Almost.)<br />
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You tiny, tiny, tiny little man.<br />
<a href="https://t.co/mP3mad6cMt">pic.twitter.com/mP3mad6cMt</a></div>
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) <a href="https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/867794060525928448?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 25, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Then Trump in his infinite stupidity, in the middle of a <b>#RussiaGate investigation</b>, reveals classified information to Russian diplomats?! IN PLAIN SIGHT. </span></div>
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It boggles the mind. (STILL not impeached...)<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/15/politics/trump-russia-classified-information/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN -- Trump shared classified info with Russians</b></a></span></div>
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If true, this is a slap in the face to the intel community. Risking sources & methods is inexcusable, particularly with the Russians. <a href="https://t.co/CRiSC024F7">https://t.co/CRiSC024F7</a></div>
— Mark Warner (@MarkWarner) <a href="https://twitter.com/MarkWarner/status/864238619267149824?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 15, 2017</a></blockquote>
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These photos of Trump-Russia meetings are courtesy solely of Russian MFA because no US press allowed in. <a href="https://t.co/PI4cSPIqvG">pic.twitter.com/PI4cSPIqvG</a></div>
— Jim Sciutto (@jimsciutto) <a href="https://twitter.com/jimsciutto/status/862330633569398784?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 10, 2017</a></blockquote>
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And then because they're not the brightest, the Trump administration proposes a budget with a $2 trillion accounting error. Math is hard. (Actually for Trump spelling is hard too...) When called on it they said "We meant to do that." Because this is the typical Republican response when they make a YUGE error and it just makes them look even more incompetent and ridiculous. Actually if you MEANT to do it then it's actually a lie, rather than an error, which is even worse....</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://time.com/4791113/trump-budget-math-mistake/" target="_blank"><b>Time article: Trump Budget Math Mistake</b></a></span><br />
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President Trump's budget includes a $2 trillion math mistake <a href="https://t.co/ksprBzeNol">https://t.co/ksprBzeNol</a></div>
— TIME (@TIME) <a href="https://twitter.com/TIME/status/867190968520503296?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 24, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump's budget chief confirms out loud that they made their giant math error on purpose - a lie, not a mistake. <a href="https://t.co/LMue66QHuf">https://t.co/LMue66QHuf</a> <a href="https://t.co/asJMbRGdLg">pic.twitter.com/asJMbRGdLg</a></div>
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) <a href="https://twitter.com/ddale8/status/867375873770622976?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 24, 2017</a></blockquote>
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This appears to be the most egregious accounting error in a Presidential budget in the nearly 40 years I have been tracking them.</div>
— Lawrence H. Summers (@LHSummers) <a href="https://twitter.com/LHSummers/status/866969738840342528?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 23, 2017</a></blockquote>
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(For Republican readers, FYI egregious means SHOCKINGLY BAD! LOL)<br />
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Meanwhile Mother Earth continued to create chaos around the world. Floods and mudslides in Sri Lanka killed 150 people and left half a million homeless. The worst flood in over a decade, it left some towns under 18 feet of water. EIGHTEEN FEET! </div>
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Floods in Sri Lanka displace half a million - <a href="https://twitter.com/tingilye?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@tingilye</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/nytimes?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@nytimes</a> <a href="https://t.co/KxbpuC4Dcc">https://t.co/KxbpuC4Dcc</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/climatedisruption?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#climatedisruption</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ActOnClimate?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ActOnClimate</a> <a href="https://t.co/TbfmFUrRk7">pic.twitter.com/TbfmFUrRk7</a></div>
— climatehawk1 (@climatehawk1) <a href="https://twitter.com/climatehawk1/status/869365035079958529?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/29/asia/bangladesh-cyclone-mora/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN article -- Cyclone in Bangladesh</b></a></span></div>
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One million people were in danger as Cyclone Mora made landfall in Bangladesh. #2017InANutshell: All Apocalyptic. All the time. </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">JUNE</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Even after Mother Earth screaming her warnings, Trump continued to deny climate change. The Paris Accord was a global agreement to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and limit the rise in average global temperatures. It was a commitment to doing what we can to SAVE THE PLANET THAT SUSTAINS US. So of course Trump, whose ignorance is matched only by his indifference, says "NAH! America is out!" Because he wants to bring back coal, pollute, rape and pillage the planet with impunity... Yes, he's just that evil. Needless to say this wasn't making him too popular around the world.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/01/climate/trump-paris-climate-agreement.html" target="_blank"><b>New York Times article -- Trump will withdraw US from Paris Agreement</b></a></span></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cCxLiHuxfws/WjqT2665KGI/AAAAAAAAQ4k/Moay3TWisWch7oLxD73qa6iWzwZGLgKHACLcBGAs/s1600/65%2Bmillion%2Brefugees.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="664" data-original-width="966" height="219" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cCxLiHuxfws/WjqT2665KGI/AAAAAAAAQ4k/Moay3TWisWch7oLxD73qa6iWzwZGLgKHACLcBGAs/s320/65%2Bmillion%2Brefugees.jpg" width="320" /></a>The world is facing a humanitarian crisis with more than 65 million people forcibly displaced and 20 more people displaced EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. This number is unprecedented. Victims of never-ending wars, violence and persecution; victims of famine and disasters caused by climate change. These are refugees that need a safe place to live. Ideally wealthier countries would step up and accept refugees, help tattered countries to rebuild and promote peace. But Nationalists like Trump are indifferent to their plight. He wants to put "America First." And he can't even get that right. He puts himself and other billionaires first and everyone else be damned.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-40321287" target="_blank"><b>BBC News -- UN Refugee agency: Record 65.6 million displaced</b></a></span></div>
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No matter what, Trump was certainly not going to soften and take in any refugees. He's as inhumane and undiplomatic as they come...If anything he wanted to build a wall to keep people out and deport the immigrants already living in the U.S.<br />
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At least there was some good news. It seemed Trump's days were numbered. Comey testified before Congress that he was fired for the Russia investigation.</div>
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<a href="https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2017/06/08/trump-lied-told-me-to-stop-the-flynn-investigation-and-fired-me-over-russia-comey-testifies.html" target="_blank"><b>The Star article -- Trump lied, told me to stop Flynn investigation</b></a></div>
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Trump can never resist lashing out at whoever dares to contradict him, even though inevitably it just makes him look worse:<br />
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James Comey better hope that there are no "tapes" of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/863007411132649473?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Comey shot back "Lordy I hope there are tapes!"</span><br />
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"Lordy, I hope there are tapes" <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ComeyTestimony?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ComeyTestimony</a> <a href="https://t.co/8F0FoEK4yi">pic.twitter.com/8F0FoEK4yi</a></div>
— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) <a href="https://twitter.com/colbertlateshow/status/872837483503001601?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Maxine Waters, who had been heroically rallying for Trump's impeachment for a number of reasons, couldn't resist getting a dig in at Trump:<br />
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So Comey told Jeff Sessions he didn't want to be alone with Trump. Women across the country can relate.</div>
— Maxine Waters (@RepMaxineWaters) <a href="https://twitter.com/RepMaxineWaters/status/872541108114513920?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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And then, because the cyclone wasn't enough...<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/06/13/asia/bangladesh-landslides/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN -- At least 133 dead in Bangladesh landslides</b></a></span></div>
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Tragedies continued to strike throughout 2017 and often those in poverty were the hardest hit. The rich get richer, the poor get dead. The only thing worse than a tragedy is a preventable one. In one incident, apathy, greed and criminal neglect in low income housing led to numerous deaths. You don't cut corners when it comes to safety and deliberately endanger people! 79 people died in the Grenfell Tower fire because their lives weren't deemed valuable enough to protect. The building was renovated with cheap cladding that failed safety tests. That is what caused the blaze to spread so quickly. The whole building went up like a box of matches. This wasn't just an accident. This was NEGLIGENCE CAUSING DEATH. Unconscionable. Profit was put before people. People died so that the wealthy could save a couple of bucks.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/06/23/europe/london-grenfell-tower-fire/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN article -- London fire: Manslaughter charges possible in Grenfell Tower disaster</b></a></span></div>
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You would wonder how people could be so callous and cruel. But in America, Trump was busy dreaming up ways to give tax cuts to the rich while slashing health care and services for the poor. One of the saddest aspects of Trump winning the election was that he conned his supporters into thinking he cared about them. Unlike the "elite" he was going to stand up for the working man. How Trump supporters could be delusional enough to think a billionaire cared about them is beyond me.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">JULY</span></b></div>
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Then in July Trump and Putin met for the first time (nudge nudge wink wink) at the G20 Summit...People couldn't resist commenting on it.<br />
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Putin: Great to see you agai--<br />
Trump: --no, we've never met...<br />
Putin: lol k <a href="https://t.co/mMi236soG4">pic.twitter.com/mMi236soG4</a></div>
— Mike P Williams 🌹 (@Mike_P_Williams) <a href="https://twitter.com/Mike_P_Williams/status/883295537604198404?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Find somebody that looks at you like Trump looks at Putin <a href="https://t.co/dVFSXre5iC">pic.twitter.com/dVFSXre5iC</a></div>
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) <a href="https://twitter.com/JuddLegum/status/883338713979379712?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">The rotten, stupid apple doesn't fall far from the rotten, stupid tree. In the middle of a #RussiaGate investigation, Donald Trump Jr openly TWEETS evidence of collusion with Russia! Face palm. </span><br />
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Don Jr. has been accused of colluding with Russians. To defend himself he released the emails proving it.</div>
— Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) <a href="https://twitter.com/chelseahandler/status/884864844003815424?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Don Jr Transparency:<br />
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I never met with Russians.<br />
I met with Russians on adoptions.<br />
I met with them to get damaging Clinton info.<br />
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Love it. <a href="https://t.co/7fkHKrqzkI">https://t.co/7fkHKrqzkI</a></div>
— Adam Schiff (@RepAdamSchiff) <a href="https://twitter.com/RepAdamSchiff/status/884881978138480641?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><b><a href="http://www.latimes.com/politics/essential/la-pol-ca-essential-politics-updates-rep-brad-sherman-just-introduced-1499883664-htmlstory.html" target="_blank">LA Times article: Rep Brad Sherman introduces Articles of Impeachment </a></b></span></div>
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And then there's the health care debacle...<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/27/us/politics/senate-health-care-vote.html" target="_blank"><b>New York Times article -- Health Care Debate</b></a></span></div>
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The senate rejected legislation to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Republican snakes try to squeak through a "skinny repeal' that would still screw 15 million Americans out of health care insurance. Luckily it was rejected. Republicans are ruthless. They were willing to kill millions of people (or at least let them die without health care they need) if it would save them some money.<br />
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Shameful day. Democracy is in cardiac arrest. <a href="https://t.co/3fCY2RxZqQ">https://t.co/3fCY2RxZqQ</a></div>
— Mark Ruffalo (@MarkRuffalo) <a href="https://twitter.com/MarkRuffalo/status/889924142778265601?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Let's save feeling defeated for when Trump is signing a bill. <br />
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For now, keep fighting. Only option that can lead to killing this thing.</div>
— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) <a href="https://twitter.com/jonfavs/status/889930306832048129?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 25, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump, who hated Obama and wanted to do whatever he could to destroy his legacy, was hell bent on repealing and replacing Obamacare even though he couldn't offer anything to replace it. Trumpcare = Trump doesn't care. Basically slashing health care for those who need it most. Understandably Trump didn't want his name attached to his shameful creation so he balked at the term "Trumpcare" and called it the "American Health Care Act" instead. </div>
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This tweet sums it up perfectly:</div>
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Live look at Paul Ryan talking about Trumpcare. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/AHCA?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#AHCA</a> <a href="https://t.co/mEK4MJzEIp">pic.twitter.com/mEK4MJzEIp</a></div>
— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) <a href="https://twitter.com/MrFilmkritik/status/860215866255912961?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2017</a></blockquote>
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After voting to destroy the lives of millions of Americans, House Republicans plan to get drunk and celebrate with Trump at the White House. <a href="https://t.co/pqxnA7WsRa">https://t.co/pqxnA7WsRa</a></div>
— Matt McDermott (@mattmfm) <a href="https://twitter.com/mattmfm/status/860191466433523714?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2017</a></blockquote>
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They don't call them "Deplorables" for nothing....<br />
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House Republicans just took healthcare away from American children with cancer but it's ok because they're so pro-life. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/obamacare?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#obamacare</a></div>
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) <a href="https://twitter.com/JohnFugelsang/status/860212655818244097?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 4, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Kudos to Fugelsang (and others) for calling Republicans out on their obvious hypocrisy claiming to be pro-life on one hand but signing a bill that would basically kill countless children on the other. </span></div>
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Speaking of despicable killers, OJ, who literally got away with murder, was paroled in July. Of course he was. This is 2017! The monsters are running the country so why not walking the streets in their ill-fitting gloves!</div>
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1995: "If that glove don't fit, you must acquit!"<br />
2017: "If the case is old, you must be paroled!"<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/OJSimpsonParole?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#OJSimpsonParole</a></div>
— Jonathan Gumble (@STOP_Gumbytime) <a href="https://twitter.com/STOP_Gumbytime/status/888111931755610112?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 20, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">And then, in the continuing Gong Show of a Trump admin, Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary resigned. And who could blame him?! No one on EARTH would want that job! Representing a cruel moron. It's a no-win situation...</span><br />
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Dear <a href="https://twitter.com/seanspicer?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@SeanSpicer</a> Please write a book. Immediately.</div>
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) <a href="https://twitter.com/jimmykimmel/status/888433491230183426?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 21, 2017</a></blockquote>
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But can we keep Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer 😭 <a href="https://t.co/5lwBNhw0Jr">pic.twitter.com/5lwBNhw0Jr</a></div>
— Christian J. (@dtxErgaOmnes) <a href="https://twitter.com/dtxErgaOmnes/status/888430907719340035?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 21, 2017</a></blockquote>
<span style="color: #222222;">Melissa McCarthy was BRILLIANT as Sean Spicer! I will definitely miss that. She and Alec Baldwin need to get together and make a comedy film about Trump!</span><br />
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And then, because each day he dreamed up new ways to be a giant a-hole, testing the boundaries of deplorability -- coward, draft-dodger and cruel bigot Trump then decided to ban transgender people from the military. For real. He's like a cartoon villain. Like you can't believe someone is actually that awful without trying to hide it. Especially when they're supposed to be a President. Obviously people had a few things to say about the decision...</div>
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15,000+ transgender Americans are already bravely serving our country. By attacking them, <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@realdonaldtrump</a> is undermining our military. <a href="https://t.co/8rLa5iEU8R">pic.twitter.com/8rLa5iEU8R</a></div>
— Chad Griffin (@ChadHGriffin) <a href="https://twitter.com/ChadHGriffin/status/890201164729417729?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2017</a></blockquote>
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And then, the mic drop....<br />
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transgender people show more courage when they leave their fucking houses in the morning than donald trump has shown his entire life</div>
— Matt Bellassai (@MattBellassai) <a href="https://twitter.com/MattBellassai/status/890202592667676672?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 26, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AJ0_0sV-MRQ/WjqYr5JY1zI/AAAAAAAAQ4w/TwEk0JxDncwvtM2xRM0HG1oPTcNorwoyACLcBGAs/s1600/6th%2Bmass%2Bextinction.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="356" data-original-width="502" height="226" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AJ0_0sV-MRQ/WjqYr5JY1zI/AAAAAAAAQ4w/TwEk0JxDncwvtM2xRM0HG1oPTcNorwoyACLcBGAs/s320/6th%2Bmass%2Bextinction.png" width="320" /></a></div>
The bad news kept coming -- In 115 years 200 species have had populations decrease by 80%. The change is exacerbated by widespread destruction of animal habitats and increasing global temperatures. Earth is 4 billion years old and has sustained life for 3 billion. Human beings are only 200,000 years old and yet we have impacted the planet to such an extent that scientists are calling our period in Earth's history Anthropocene -- the age of Humans. Humans are "super-predators" -- over-hunting, over-fishing, over-consuming meat, depleting the world's resources. Really hoping we don't wind up like the dinosaurs but it looks pretty grim. The changes we have made to the Earth have threatened its ability to sustain us. We're killing our planet. 7 billion of us squeezing the life out of it.<br />
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Species are reaching extinction <b>100 times </b>faster because of us. We need to own that sh$#. Since 1970 the human population has doubled and the animal population has been cut in half. We're losing biodiversity. This isn't just a tragedy for the animals, it has far-reaching consequences for us too. Only 5 times in Earth's history has so much biodiversity been wiped out. The 5th time was when dinosaurs became extinct...<br />
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Industry, agriculture and fossil fuel use have raised carbon dioxide to the highest level in millions of years. As temperatures continue to rise, disaster ensues. Global warming causes glaciers to melt, sea levels to rise, species to go extinct and natural disasters -- fires, floods, droughts, hurricanes, earthquakes -- to increase. In 200 years the population has exploded from 1 billion to 7.6. We place extraordinary demands on the planet and if it can't meet them, we will perish. What can we do? As individuals, we can reduce, reuse, recycle. Make greener choices where possible. Try to control our consumption etc. (And yes I do feel guilty for my shopaholicism! Spell check is saying that's not a word but it should be! I also feel bad for all the commuting I do. Hoping to find an alternative to that this year for many reasons. I recycle though!) On a larger scale corporations and countries can commit to implementing changes to reduce pollution, to save resources, to protect the environment. Of course most countries ARE doing this but Trump dropped out of that commitment. It's like Dr. Seuss' "The Lorax" but in real life. "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot. Nothing is going to get better. It's not." Trump doesn't care at all.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2017/jul/10/earths-sixth-mass-extinction-event-already-underway-scientists-warn" target="_blank"><b>Guardian: Earth's 6th Mass Extinction Already Underway</b></a></span></div>
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Billions of populations of animals have been lost in recent decades. This is beyond heart-breaking.</div>
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Mother Nature's wrath continued with disasters in South China.<br />
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Hundreds of thousands evacuated in South China floods <a href="https://t.co/gO2Ugiobgf">https://t.co/gO2Ugiobgf</a> <a href="https://t.co/v7XwMV6NPP">pic.twitter.com/v7XwMV6NPP</a></div>
— euronews (@euronews) <a href="https://twitter.com/euronews/status/881816168251752449?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;">AUGUST</span></b></div>
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Aside from the threat of Nature, there was the threat of terror. In Barcelona ISIS terrorists claimed 13 lives and injured more than 100 people in the one of the most violent days in Spain's history.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/live/2017/aug/17/barcelona-attack-van-driven-into-crowd-in-las-ramblas-district" target="_blank">Guardian: Barcelona attack in Las Ramblas district</a></b></span></div>
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'I am not afraid': Barcelona holds peace march after terror attacks <a href="https://t.co/96ydZpHwDR">https://t.co/96ydZpHwDR</a> <a href="https://t.co/wDU4kC7aXV">pic.twitter.com/wDU4kC7aXV</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/901866979392458753?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 27, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YIHU4pvDFH0/Wjur7y0q4GI/AAAAAAAAQ6Y/XLc0vHh6Q6oGRcB_yeLTKDzMSOSC2ohzACLcBGAs/s1600/Gorakhpur%2Btragedy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="259" data-original-width="400" height="207" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YIHU4pvDFH0/Wjur7y0q4GI/AAAAAAAAQ6Y/XLc0vHh6Q6oGRcB_yeLTKDzMSOSC2ohzACLcBGAs/s320/Gorakhpur%2Btragedy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
It was a year of tragedies. One of the most heartbreaking was the #GorakhpurTragedy where dozens of babies died from lack of oxygen. Oxygen supplies were cut over unpaid bills. It is horrifying to think anyone could be so callous as to allow children to die. It's criminal negligence. My heart went out to the helpless parents. I only hope they can find peace and justice. In a country of horrendous inequality the government spends 1% GDP on health care (the world's lowest.) Health issues like encephalitis have killed thousands of children over the last two decades.<br />
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<a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/aug/14/spate-of-child-deaths-at-indian-hospital-blamed-on-oxygen-shortages" target="_blank"><b>Guardian -- Spate of child deaths linked to oxygen shortages</b></a></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">And if there wasn't enough nightmare fuel already there was always the threat of nuclear war...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/28/world/asia/north-korea-missile" target="_blank"><b>New York Times: North Korea fires missile over Japan</b></a></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;">Trump continued to disappoint...</span></div>
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.<a href="https://twitter.com/POTUS?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@POTUS</a>' new <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/immigration?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#immigration</a> plan: The Statue of Liberty weeps as she watches Trump flush America's moral leadership down the toilet.</div>
— Anne Frank Center (@AnneFrankCenter) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnneFrankCenter/status/892783423609241601?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">At least Mueller was coming for him...</span><br />
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Special Counsel Robert Mueller convenes criminal grand jury for Russia probe <a href="https://t.co/eBYCrilLku">https://t.co/eBYCrilLku</a> <a href="https://t.co/i0gPROu4dg">pic.twitter.com/i0gPROu4dg</a></div>
— Los Angeles Times (@latimes) <a href="https://twitter.com/latimes/status/893286646027657216?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 4, 2017</a></blockquote>
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You don't impanel a grand jury if you only have smoke. Mueller must be seeing fire. <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@realDonaldTrump</a> and/or his associates in bigly trouble. <a href="https://t.co/psPwRKK4q6">https://t.co/psPwRKK4q6</a></div>
— Ted Lieu (@tedlieu) <a href="https://twitter.com/tedlieu/status/893215550842654720?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Meanwhile Narcissistic dictators Trump and Kim Jong Un hurled insults and nuclear threats back and forth...<br />
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Trump referred to Kim Jong Un as "Rocket Man." Kim Jong Un retorted with "Dotard Trump." A dotard, for those not familiar with the archaic word, is a senile person with declining mental faculties. Nailed it. It would be funny if the two lunatics weren't flirting with nuclear holocaust. The irony is that while they are at odds, they have everything in common. Both grew up wealthy and spoiled. Both are Narcissists who crave attention and admiration. Both have HUGE yet completely fragile egos. Both are immature hotheads who lack empathy. Unfortunately they're not just schoolyard bullies. They're in a position to actually blow up the world. </div>
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No joke: I read Trump's statement on North Korea and thought it was a North Korean statement on Trump.</div>
— Noah Rothman (@NoahCRothman) <a href="https://twitter.com/NoahCRothman/status/895005502115131392?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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You know what would reduce the threat of nuclear war with North Korea? A fully-staffed State Department that actually cared about diplomacy.</div>
— Caroline O. (@RVAwonk) <a href="https://twitter.com/RVAwonk/status/895059695735627776?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The world had become a horror movie... Filled with hatred. Filled with evil. It was inevitable given the political climate but it was still shocking to see.... </div>
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This looks as if it's from some film but this is very real and quite frankly terrifying <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Charlottesville?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Charlottesville</a> <a href="https://t.co/DJNgcuMwjd">pic.twitter.com/DJNgcuMwjd</a></div>
— Tom Taylor (@TomasTaylor4) <a href="https://twitter.com/TomasTaylor4/status/896272031091757058?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Real life Nazis with torches. Welcome to 2017. This is Trump's America and he has blood on his hands. Having a racist President sets a HORRIBLE example. It emboldens the white supremacists and provokes acts of hatred. This photo looks like something out of a movie (the villagers with torches and pitchforks) unfortunately it's frighteningly real. This scene is from the "Unite the Right" rally in Charlottesville -- a protest to the removal of racist Robert E. Lee's statue in Emancipation Park. (The statue naturally offended many in the community and was a symbol of hate.) The White Supremacists couldn't have this. In opposition to the lunatics on the right, sane, decent citizens on the left, came to protest the Nazi rally. The battle between good and evil has casualties. Unfortunately a beautiful activist with a passion for social justice, Heather Heyer died fighting for what she believed. An ignorant Nazi plowed his car into the crowd of peaceful protesters, killing her. As her heartbroken mother said, they did not silence her, they amplified her.<br />
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Trump, the KKK's darling, was in an awkward position. When there was an act of terror by ISIS it fit his agenda and he was all over it. But what could he say when a terrorist was one of his white supremacist supporters? His solution was to say that there was violence on "many sides." The right likes to make it sound like the left is just as violent. (No. Not by a LONG shot.) They refer to protesters against Fascism as "Antifa" (Anti-Fascist. As if that's a bad thing to be!) There aren't many sides. There are TWO sides: right and wrong, left vs right, decent human beings vs NAZIS. By not picking a side, by not blatantly condemning this attack, Trump was CONDONING it. The KKK noticed and praised him. The left noticed and rebuked him.<br />
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MANY SIDES?!? Ive typed and deleted at least 8 tweets. Words simply arent strong enough to accurately describe how I feel about Donald Trump</div>
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) <a href="https://twitter.com/ChrisEvans/status/896468144608481280?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump later backpedaled and posted a tweet condemning the attack but it was half-hearted and no one bought it.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/13/us/charlottesville-virginia-overview" target="_blank"><b>New York Times article: A Guide to the Charlottesville Aftermath</b></a></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;">Bernie always keeps it real...</span></div>
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Mr. President - we must call evil by its name. These were white supremacists and this was domestic terrorism. <a href="https://t.co/PaPNiPPAoW">https://t.co/PaPNiPPAoW</a></div>
— Cory Gardner (@SenCoryGardner) <a href="https://twitter.com/SenCoryGardner/status/896472477844385792?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The white nationalist demonstration in <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Charlottesville?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Charlottesville</a> is a reprehensible display of racism and hatred that has no place in our society.</div>
— Bernie Sanders (@SenSanders) <a href="https://twitter.com/SenSanders/status/896419851497074689?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Barack Obama tweeted a beautiful response to the tragedy: That no one is born hating another person based on race/religion/culture. Hatred/racism/xenophobia is learned. And it needs to be unlearned. We are all from the same race --HUMAN -- and we need to show more humanity toward each other. Obama's tweet became one of the most popular ever. With close to 2 million likes...So maybe there IS still hope for humanity. </div>
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"No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion..." <a href="https://t.co/InZ58zkoAm">pic.twitter.com/InZ58zkoAm</a></div>
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) <a href="https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/896523232098078720?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 13, 2017</a></blockquote>
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There was some fallout in the White (Supremacist) House at least after this disgusting racist incident. The real President (as some called him since he was the real brains behind the operation, if you can call it that), the puppet master, the sickening racist, misogynistic Grim Reaper Breitbart alt-right propaganda maker Steve Bannon was forced out... Good riddance!</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/08/18/us/politics/white-house-staff-fired-resigned" target="_blank"><b>New York Times article: White House staff fired resigned</b></a></span></div>
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Clearly Trump was trying to save face but it was too little too late. Bannon seemed a little bitter and went back to his rag, Breitbart. Surprise surprise. Trump's ship was sinking, like his approval rating, his corrupt cabinet members kept dropping like flies, resigning or getting fired. All the while we wondered when it would Trump's turn. How was he not impeached yet?!<br />
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The New York Times did an article on all the White House staff who had left. It was quite a list. It must have broken records for the most people fired or resigning in the first year. Then again Trump is pretty much the WORST PRESIDENT EVER.<br />
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People couldn't resist commenting on Twitter...<br />
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Steve Bannon is stepping down "to spend more time with his family." <a href="https://t.co/pIkcJauSdP">pic.twitter.com/pIkcJauSdP</a></div>
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) <a href="https://twitter.com/sadmonsters/status/898587932994396160?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2017</a></blockquote>
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I'm sure he wasn't stepping down so much as getting pushed out because after an innocent girl being MURDERED by a Trump-supporting racist it looked REALLY BAD to keep having a Nazi as your Chief Strategist.<br />
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Steve Bannon getting fired was a bit of happy news at least. And then, there was something else to make us smile/laugh: Trump, the imbecile, stared into an eclipse, even after repeated warnings about the damage to your eyes and despite the fact that he had special protective eyewear IN HIS HANDS! He took them off to look directly because why not? Because that's just who Trump is. He won't be told what to do, even when it's for his own good. Like Icarus, he will fly into (or at least stare into) the sun...<br />
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I LOVE this headline! The Daily News is my hero! This made me laugh out loud at a time when there wasn't much to laugh about. I guess for a man who doesn't believe in science, the eclipse would just be "fake news."<br />
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New York Daily News trolls Trump for staring at eclipse: "Not too bright!" <a href="https://t.co/zS0QHI6HDx">https://t.co/zS0QHI6HDx</a> <a href="https://t.co/3L9pmTo7he">pic.twitter.com/3L9pmTo7he</a></div>
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— The Hill (@thehill) <a href="https://twitter.com/thehill/status/899744963025653762?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 21, 2017</a></div>
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Aside from the political turmoil going on, chaos was brewing in the natural world as well. Hurricane Harvey began in the Caribbean and would be the first major hurricane of 2017. Unfortunately it would not be the last. The Category 4 storm made landfall near Rockport, Texas. It weakened to a tropical storm and then intensified again. It killed 90 people and became the costliest American natural disaster -- close to $200 billion.<br />
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280 miles wide with wind speeds of 130 mph Harvey broke records for rainfall from a single storm -- 51 inches of rain in Texas. In some cities it dumped 26 inches in a single day. By the weekend it had rained 27 trillion gallons in Texas. More than 80 people were killed and thousands left homeless. The devastation would last for months. Unfortunately Harvey was not alone. More storms, the worst ever, were on the way...<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/26/us/gallery/hurricane-harvey/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN -- Hurricane Harvey Slams Texas</b></a></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">SEPTEMBER</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/03/world/asia/north-korea-tremor-possible-6th-nuclear-test" target="_blank"><b>New York Times article: North Korean nuclear test draws US warning of massive military response</b></a></span></div>
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As the Trump-Kim Jong Un war of words continued, you had to laugh or you'd cry...<br />
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Rocket man & Dotard meet in nambia to avoid another bowling green massacre, Obama tapes the entire thing via microwave <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/dotard?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#dotard</a></div>
— rjb (@RobinJOJO) <a href="https://twitter.com/RobinJOJO/status/911024397951086592?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 22, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Meanwhile, America was in flames...</div>
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There are 76 active wildfires burning across nine states right now <a href="https://t.co/VV80axtdux">pic.twitter.com/VV80axtdux</a></div>
— VICE News (@vicenews) <a href="https://twitter.com/vicenews/status/905892977142321152?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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While Texas was still reeling from hurricane and rain damage, the west coast was on fire. Thanks to dry, hot record-breaking temperatures sparks flew and ignited fires across eight states forcing thousands to evacuate, closing highways, destroying homes and clogging the air with smoke. In California the La Tuna fire near Burbank ravaged more than 7200 acres making it the largest fire ever in L.A. The scenes were terrifying and Apocalyptic. It was like a disaster movie but in real life.<br />
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Hurricanes Harvey - Irma - Jose - Katia - massive wildfires out west - & now this. Are the locusts far behind? <a href="https://t.co/9o4THnQ9Lr">https://t.co/9o4THnQ9Lr</a></div>
— Bret Baier (@BretBaier) <a href="https://twitter.com/BretBaier/status/906132283660394497?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Another day, another disaster. The hits kept coming. It certainly seemed like the Apocalypse. We thought Hurricane Harvey was bad. Then there was Hurricane Irma. A catastrophic Category 5 hurricane, Irma would break many records. Irma was the strongest Atlantic basin hurricane ever recorded outside the Gulf of Mexico and Caribbean Sea. It spent THREE DAYS as a Category 5, making it the longest ever recorded. Irma maintained winds of 185 mph for 37 hours. It also caused the largest evacuation in the Bahamas' history and in the US.6.3 million people evacuated Florida (making it the largest evacuation in American history). The U.S. had never had two category 4 storms make landfall in the same year. Barbuda was all but obliterated with 95% of its buildings damaged.<br />
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And Irma had siblings -- her little brother and sister Category 3 storms Jose and Katia.<br />
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People couldn't help but mention the Apocalypse. This was not normal. Hurricanes, fires and floods, this many of them, back to back with record breaking ferocity were NOT NORMAL. It certainly looked like the end of the world.<br />
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Some people were a little more blase about Armageddon. Why let it ruin your golf game? If the a-hole President can golf every other day why shouldn't every a-hole with money to burn?<br />
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Holy moly, this apocalyptic image of people playing golf in Oregon as a wildfire burns is real. I assumed fake. <a href="https://t.co/Qs6CjXS7YP">https://t.co/Qs6CjXS7YP</a> <a href="https://t.co/LAoozju9oK">pic.twitter.com/LAoozju9oK</a></div>
— Steve Silberman (@stevesilberman) <a href="https://twitter.com/stevesilberman/status/905593324198821889?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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In the pantheon of visual metaphors for America today, this is the money shot. <a href="https://t.co/09COuDutBC">pic.twitter.com/09COuDutBC</a></div>
— David Simon (@AoDespair) <a href="https://twitter.com/AoDespair/status/905759827703590912?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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#2017InaNutshell -- Snapshots of the Apocalypse. Dudes golfing by a wildfire.<br />
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not to be dramatic or anything but the world is ending</div>
— Lauren Giraldo (@LaurenGiraldo) <a href="https://twitter.com/LaurenGiraldo/status/906058332321878016?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">It wasn't an exaggeration. This was not normal. Hurricane Irma was a holy hell, record-breaking, end of the world type storm. A Category 5 with maximum sustained winds of 185 mph for 37 hours -- the longest EVER in the satellite era. Longer than all other Atlantic hurricanes. It was BAD.</span></div>
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At least one person, an infant, died in Irma's wrath in Barbuda, a government official said <a href="https://t.co/JaQYJXXDR7">https://t.co/JaQYJXXDR7</a> <a href="https://t.co/7QeqIjjfEQ">pic.twitter.com/7QeqIjjfEQ</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/905577116774879232?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 6, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Irma was the greatest (as in the WORST) Atlantic hurricane to pass beyond the Caribbean. Widespread devastation hit Florida. </span></div>
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Hurricane <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Irma?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Irma</a>, an "apocalyptic" Category 5 storm, slams into Caribbean islands. <a href="https://t.co/yHXVsV7T2D">https://t.co/yHXVsV7T2D</a> (Photo: <a href="https://twitter.com/NASA?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@NASA</a>) <a href="https://t.co/K8zbruBVH8">pic.twitter.com/K8zbruBVH8</a></div>
— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) <a href="https://twitter.com/USATODAY/status/905448580667899905?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 6, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Tonight, far too many people in <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Irma?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Irma</a>’s path and in its wake. <a href="https://t.co/bWQMxae9GV">pic.twitter.com/bWQMxae9GV</a></div>
— Randy Bresnik (@AstroKomrade) <a href="https://twitter.com/AstroKomrade/status/905954446898630656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The line-up of Hurricanes <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Katia?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Katia</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Irma?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Irma</a> & <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Jose?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Jose</a> brewing today was seen by <a href="https://twitter.com/NASAEarth?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@NASAEarth</a>-observing satellites: <a href="https://t.co/zsxJ4SwGVV">https://t.co/zsxJ4SwGVV</a> <a href="https://t.co/D8qzRwsMqJ">pic.twitter.com/D8qzRwsMqJ</a></div>
— NASA (@NASA) <a href="https://twitter.com/NASA/status/906559851303759873?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 9, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">I tried to warn them...I wasn't kidding either. Nostradamus may have been vague and poetic but he's been right about everything. </span></div>
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Nostradamus predicted the Anti-Christ would bring the end of the world. Trump is it. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ImpeachTrump?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ImpeachTrump</a> before he triggers the Apocalypse...</div>
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— Ann Marie Pincivero (@ampincivero) <a href="https://twitter.com/ampincivero/status/905785875333832705?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2017</a></div>
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After all this, surely people thought, things couldn't get any worse. Then there was Hurricane Maria. How do you solve a problem like Maria? Another Category 5 Hurricane it was the worst natural disaster EVER in Dominica and Puerto Rico and the most intense tropical cyclone worldwide. Maria wreaked havoc and created a humanitarian crisis. The death toll in Puerto Rico, originally estimated at under 100 is now believed to be closer to 1000 with so many missing. Dominica, once a tropical paradise, was completely destroyed. Total losses are estimated over $100 billion U.S., mostly in Puerto Rico. The storm passed but the devastation will linger for months if not years as they struggle to rebuild from the wreckage. Millions are still without power and basic necessities.<br />
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In Dominica, the Prime Minister, after having the roof torn off his own home by the merciless storm, went on Facebook saying how they had lost all that money can buy. It was heart-wrenching. Paradise lost. Some of the most beautiful places in the world torn apart. Everything was destroyed. Their homes and all their possessions just GONE.<br />
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Dominica has suffered "widespread damage" in Hurricane Maria, PM says, adding: "We have lost all that money can buy" <a href="https://t.co/vxFkXyzmHz">https://t.co/vxFkXyzmHz</a></div>
— BBC Breaking News (@BBCBreaking) <a href="https://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/status/910014519539326977?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 19, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/24/americas/hurricane-maria-puerto-rico-aftermath/index.html" target="_blank">CNN article: Puerto Rico officials describe Apocalyptic conditions</a></b></span></div>
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Instead of offering heartfelt condolences for their losses (like a compassionate, decent leader would do), Trump, being the clueless callous a-hole bully that he is, decided to take the opportunity to kick them while they were down and insulted Puerto Rico, blaming them for being in a mess.</div>
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Texas & Florida are doing great but Puerto Rico, which was already suffering from broken infrastructure & massive debt, is in deep trouble..</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/912478274508423168?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 26, 2017</a></blockquote>
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As if this weren't tone deaf and insensitive enough, Trump threw paper towels at hurricane victims when he visited Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up. They got it on video. Ironically Trump was angry at NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem as a silent protest but didn't think it was offensive to hurl paper towels at hurricane victims.<br />
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Republicans: Kneeling for the National Anthem is offensive. <br />
Trump: What if I throw paper towels at hurricane survivors? <a href="https://t.co/p8aofglDIc">pic.twitter.com/p8aofglDIc</a></div>
— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) <a href="https://twitter.com/FullFrontalSamB/status/915297409839792128?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump in Puerto Rico<br />
—Diminished storm’s impact<br />
—Taunted island’s bankruptcy<br />
—Ignored San Juan mayor<br />
—Basketball shot paper towels to crowd</div>
— Tom Namako (@TomNamako) <a href="https://twitter.com/TomNamako/status/915274758396284930?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/19/us/hurricanes-irma-harvey-maria" target="_blank"><b>New York Times article: 2017 Hurricane Season more intense than normal</b></a></span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-920HTVN-_88/Wju04VDvsEI/AAAAAAAAQ6o/YAXAZ3kj-dQ0i-vw_SNlNX0rHCyYn2Q_ACLcBGAs/s1600/Mexico%2Bearthquake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="485" data-original-width="728" height="213" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-920HTVN-_88/Wju04VDvsEI/AAAAAAAAQ6o/YAXAZ3kj-dQ0i-vw_SNlNX0rHCyYn2Q_ACLcBGAs/s320/Mexico%2Bearthquake.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
And then, because Mother Nature still had a few things to say (screaming at the top of her lungs because somehow we still weren't getting her wake up call) -- earthquakes in Mexico. A terrible 8.2 magnitude quake off the southern coast near Chiapas, generating a tsunami with waves close to 6 feet. A 7.1 earthquake in Central Mexico followed... 40 buildings collapsed. 370 people were killed. 6000 were injured. In an eerie coincidence (yeah no there are no coincidences...this was a SIGN...) the quake happened on the anniversary of the 1985 Mexico City quake which killed 10,000 people. </div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/19/americas/mexico-earthquake/index.html" target="_blank">CNN article: Earthquake in Central Mexico kills 200+ topples buildings</a></b></span><br />
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La fuerza de la naturaleza puede ser devastadora,pero la fuerza de la unidad y la solidaridad de los mexicanos es mucho mayor. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/FuerzaM%C3%A9xico?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#FuerzaMéxico</a> <a href="https://t.co/OVYfdgWKav">pic.twitter.com/OVYfdgWKav</a></div>
— Enrique Peña Nieto (@EPN) <a href="https://twitter.com/EPN/status/906290839235723264?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Destruction in Mexico City after a 7.1-magnitude earthquake strikes central Mexico <a href="https://t.co/VyY1WsoLzd">https://t.co/VyY1WsoLzd</a> <a href="https://t.co/SSpY5I7yWY">https://t.co/SSpY5I7yWY</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/910306108950097923?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 20, 2017</a></blockquote>
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BIGGEST IN A CENTURY: Massive Earthquake in Mexico kills at least five, two of them children <a href="https://t.co/SqNzODmdWt">https://t.co/SqNzODmdWt</a> <a href="https://t.co/XMmMz2MAFf">pic.twitter.com/XMmMz2MAFf</a></div>
— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) <a href="https://twitter.com/NYDailyNews/status/906128498972127232?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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My thoughts & prayers go out to our neighbors after the Magnitude-8 earthquake hits south Mexico<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/earthquake?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#earthquake</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/mexico?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#mexico</a> <a href="https://t.co/Kv7Wr50mib">pic.twitter.com/Kv7Wr50mib</a></div>
— Red T Raccoon (@RedTRaccoon) <a href="https://twitter.com/RedTRaccoon/status/906114398963605505?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Every time I logged on to Twitter I was afraid of what I might see. There were always thoughts and prayers going out to someone for something, some new tragedy, some fresh disaster. I'd glimpse at the trends and think "Oh God. What's happened now?" I didn't want to know but I had to know. Some people on Twitter chose to bury their heads in the sand, to keep posting the minutiae of their lives, to keep posting positive affirmations, to focus on the good. While I can see the reasoning behind it, I also felt that we couldn't just bury our heads in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening. The world was severely messed up and it was our doing. We had to take notice. We had to speak up. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="color: #222222;">OCTOBER</b></div>
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October opened with a gunman opening fire on concert goers on the Las Vegas strip in the deadliest mass shooting in the United States, leaving 58 dead, 546 injured. A deranged 64 year old white male fired more than 1000 shots from his suite in the Mandalay Bay hotel before turning a gun on himself. His motives were unknown but the male was clearly unstable -- an alcoholic and addictive gambler, the son of a psychotic bank robber who had been on the FBI's most wanted list. And one thing was clear: America HAD to enforce gun control. Knowing his history, would ANYONE with a brain stem and/or a conscience have sold this male a gun?! A thorough background check and mental health assessment should be MANDATORY to purchase a weapon. Gun dealers and manufacturers should be held accountable. This tragedy (like so many others) was COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE. Why was a mentally unstable person able to get his hands on a semi-automatic weapon? Turns out the assailant had actually stockpiled an arsenal of weapons. (23 firearms, ammo and high capacity magazines.) HOW IS THIS OK?! WHY IS THIS ALLOWED?! The NRA and other trigger-happy Mericans like to say that "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." But the reality is that guns make it FAR TOO EASY for cowards, terrorists and mentally unstable people to take lives. If someone is a danger to himself or others he should NEVER have access to weapons. Period. It's a no brainer. Protecting human life has to come first. Unfortunately many people value their guns more than human lives. The NRA and Trump are among them. They had blood on their hands, again.<br />
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Sheriff says 59 dead, 527 injured in Las Vegas shooting; guns, ammunition, explosives found at shooter's home. <a href="https://t.co/RdHTyqsEd9">https://t.co/RdHTyqsEd9</a></div>
— The Associated Press (@AP) <a href="https://twitter.com/AP/status/914977169557868544?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Death toll in <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/LasVegas?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#LasVegas</a> makes it the deadliest shooting in US history.<br />
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Other major shootings:<br />
Orlando: 49<br />
Virginia Tech: 32<br />
Sandy Hook: 27</div>
— Anup Kaphle (@AnupKaphle) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnupKaphle/status/914803460146696192?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Pray for Vegas!! 🤦🏾♂️. What the hell is going on people!?!? My prayers sent to the heavens above for all the families 🙏🏾 <a href="https://t.co/wDpwZ7g4Pz">pic.twitter.com/wDpwZ7g4Pz</a></div>
— LeBron James (@KingJames) <a href="https://twitter.com/KingJames/status/914834878969073664?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
Around the globe,the nightmares continued. Murder and mayhem was a common theme for 2017.</div>
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Somalia suffered the worst terror attack ever with 500 casualties. </div>
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<a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/oct/15/truck-bomb-mogadishu-kills-people-somalia%20%20Guardian%20article:" target="_blank"><b>Guardian article: Mogadishu truck bomb: 500 casualties in Somalia's worst terror attack</b></a></div>
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And what Apocalypse would be complete without a plague?</div>
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'It is a dangerous moment': Madagascar plague death toll reaches 74 <a href="https://t.co/stx9FfolYO">https://t.co/stx9FfolYO</a></div>
— The Guardian (@guardian) <a href="https://twitter.com/guardian/status/920990281117454336?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 19, 2017</a></blockquote>
Natural disasters, violence and plagues. Yes 2017 had all the ingredients for a blockbuster sci-fi film about Armageddon. Meanwhile Hollywood was suffering its own Apocalypse...</div>
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In early October the New York Times published a story outlining decades of sexual harassment allegations against Harvey Weinstein with Rose McGowan and Ashley Judd among the victims who spoke out. Weinstein issued an apology and took a leave of absence. He was later fired. Then more and more women began coming forward with allegations against Weinstein.<br />
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Hollywood film producer accused of sexual assault by more than 50 women.<br />
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Harvey Weinstein: a list of the women who have accused him <a href="https://t.co/gKSmvuP6HP">https://t.co/gKSmvuP6HP</a></div>
— The Guardian (@guardian) <a href="https://twitter.com/guardian/status/921749307837026304?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 21, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Pandora's Box had been opened. Some called it the #WeinsteinEffect. Inspired by the brave Silence Breakers, more victims of sexual harassment and assault spoke out and male celebrities were dropping like flies. Resigning or being fired from projects/companies as a result. Even some of the most talented and respected actors in Hollywood (including Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman). Ironically, the President, who had numerous sexual assault allegations against him and was even heard BOASTING on tape about grabbing women by the genitals, still hadn't been fired! He never should have been elected. We have to hope he's impeached soon!</span></div>
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With so many victims coming forward two things were becoming depressingly obvious:<br />
a) this had happened way too often<br />
b) most of the victims had remained silent<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YScyVKDBmig/WjvQ-JqyTWI/AAAAAAAAQ7I/-aNW0esZ-VUDwfqrnyaM-kDxeXOKx4bsQCLcBGAs/s1600/Me%2Btoo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="800" height="160" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YScyVKDBmig/WjvQ-JqyTWI/AAAAAAAAQ7I/-aNW0esZ-VUDwfqrnyaM-kDxeXOKx4bsQCLcBGAs/s320/Me%2Btoo.png" width="320" /></a>If there was one positive to come out of 2017 it was that women finally felt empowered to stand up for themselves and to speak out against sexual harassment and abuse. There is no shame in admitting to having been a victim. Alyssa Milano tweeted #MeToo and invited others to do the same. She returned to find thousands of responses.<br />
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If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted write ‘me too’ as a reply to this tweet. <a href="https://t.co/k2oeCiUf9n">pic.twitter.com/k2oeCiUf9n</a></div>
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— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) <a href="https://twitter.com/Alyssa_Milano/status/919659438700670976?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 15, 2017</a></div>
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The Weinstein ripple effect: Famous men accused of sexual harassment and assault <a href="https://t.co/n2KjIgUFL3">https://t.co/n2KjIgUFL3</a></div>
— CNBC (@CNBC) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNBC/status/923547300496117760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 26, 2017</a></blockquote>
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If it wasn't already abundantly clear that the world had gone to Hell in a hand basket in every conceivable way, there was another terrorist -- small but sinister, a toxic, merciless monster -- killing people across North America. Its name: Fentanyl. Fentanyl was largely to blame for a massive spike in overdose deaths. Fentanyl is 100 times more powerful than morphine. It's more dangerous than heroin because it's stronger and cheaper. A highly addictive opioid, as a controlled prescription medication in hospitals it can help chronic pain sufferers. Unfortunately because of its potency it is attractive to drug dealers and labs began making and selling cheap fentanyl, lacing it with other products to increase profits. 1 kilogram of Chinese fentanyl that costs $12,000 can be made into pills worth $80 million. Illicit drugs are unregulated. There is no quality control. Fentanyl was cut into other drugs without users knowing, leading to overdoses. The analogue carfentanil is <b>10,000 </b>times more powerful than morphine. It was developed for animals (such as elephants) not humans. Heroin is expensive. Fentanyl was cheap and plentiful. But deadly. Over 2017 there has been an explosion in fentanyl overdoses. A fentanyl overdose has the same symptoms as other opioid ODs except the onset is faster. Luckily a fentanyl OD can be treated with receptor blocking drug Naloxone and CPR. Naloxone is available as an injection or a spray. Unfortunately it's often too late. Police, fire, ambulance and hospitals are flooded with overdose calls EVERY SINGLE DAY. 80% are accidental. The irony is that to save/make money despicable drug dealers are cutting with fentanyl but they're killing off their client base. It's not sustainable. In the U.S. the fentanyl death toll rose by 540% in three years. That's only up to 2016. They don't even have the stats yet for 2017 when it became worse than ever in the U.S. and Canada.142 Americans die from fentanyl overdoses EVERY DAY. </div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.evergreendrugrehab.com/blog/540-sad-reality-fentanyl-death-toll-2017/" target="_blank"><b>Evergreen Drug Rehab article: Sad Reality Fentanyl Death Toll</b></a></span><br />
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Even Trump had to acknowledge the problem. (Of course he would use it to justify his xenophobic policies and desire to build a wall to keep out "Bad hombres" -- as though all immigrants are drug dealers.)</div>
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President Trump declares the opioid epidemic a national public health emergency <a href="https://t.co/ODQNuRH6rS">https://t.co/ODQNuRH6rS</a> <a href="https://t.co/xMr3eSRdb4">pic.twitter.com/xMr3eSRdb4</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/923746332627660800?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 27, 2017</a></blockquote>
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It would be wrong to consider Trump's focus on the opioid epidemic as a sign of genuine concern for the lives of Americans however. Trump only paid attention to health issues if they somehow supported his agenda. He just wanted to foster hatred to justify his proposed wall, immigration policies etc. The truth was that Trump didn't give a damn about the health of Americans. His proposed health care (Trumpcare = Trump DOESN'T care) would essentially be cutting off the people who needed it most -- the poor, sick, elderly and female. It was a plan designed by a selfish, unscrupulous ogre who was willing to let people die to line his own pockets.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/oct/13/healthcare-donald-trump-obamacare-executive-orders" target="_blank"><b>Guardian article: Dismantling Obamacare -- What has Trump done?</b></a></span><br />
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Obamacare taxed the rich to help pay for the poor to have health care. A typical Robin Hood. The money has to come from somewhere. Getting health care to those who need it most -- the sick, elderly etc -- was the top priority. With this coverage, 14 million Americans who needed help were covered. This only makes sense, logically and morally. Those who can afford to help those who can not afford it. Trumpcare does the opposite. It rewards the rich and takes away from the poor. He would boast about Americans saving on healthcare but it was the wealthy who would be saving. Those in poverty would be left with nothing. If Ebenezer Scrooge were President...</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-P5Y2NDdAiAs/WjvlIr26N3I/AAAAAAAAQ70/2wNMZxlIixsbAQ6o_ts7henPPCtwk7p6wCLcBGAs/s1600/cali%2Bwildfire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="600" height="213" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-P5Y2NDdAiAs/WjvlIr26N3I/AAAAAAAAQ70/2wNMZxlIixsbAQ6o_ts7henPPCtwk7p6wCLcBGAs/s320/cali%2Bwildfire.jpg" width="320" /></a>It was a year of loss for so many people. The Northern California Firestorm -- a series of 250 wildfires burned 245,000 acres across California in mid-October. The costliest wildfires on record they caused $9.4 billion dollars in damages and were predicted to cost the US economy at least $85 billion dollars. 44 people were killed, 185 hospitalized and 90,000 evacuated from their homes, 8900 structures were destroyed. This was the deadliest set of wildfires in a century. More than 10,000 firefighters battled the fires including crews from Canada and Australia that came to help.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/10/us/california-fires-napa/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN article: More evacuations ordered as deadly wildfires scorch Northern California</b></a></span><br />
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As if Puerto Rico hadn't been through enough already it was hit by a mudslide in October. The paper towels probably weren't going to be much help...<br />
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Mudslide hits Puerto Rico neighborhood that President Trump visited <a href="https://t.co/9d8AXCClF9">https://t.co/9d8AXCClF9</a> <a href="https://t.co/w8BY6mwFMX">pic.twitter.com/w8BY6mwFMX</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/920111643777994752?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 17, 2017</a></blockquote>
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In better news: It was Mueller Time! #MuellerTime Charges were brought against former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort.<br />
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Paul Manafort and George Papadopoulos are the only the beginning. Hell is about to comb over.</div>
— Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) <a href="https://twitter.com/rmayemsinger/status/925029893888290816?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Paul Manafort just agreed to turn himself in to the FBI. What should we report on? <br />
CNN: Manafort<br />
MSNBC: Manafort<br />
Fox News: Hamburger emoji <a href="https://t.co/Wjsvkb2coW">pic.twitter.com/Wjsvkb2coW</a></div>
— Roberto Ferdman (@robferdman) <a href="https://twitter.com/robferdman/status/924973311435657221?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
An epic video of the FBI raiding the Trump administration began to circulate... #MuellerTime From Russia with Love. You HAVE to watch it! It made my day when I saw it!<br />
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God the detail on this <a href="https://t.co/WCYx5UhutB">https://t.co/WCYx5UhutB</a> <a href="https://t.co/S3qoU3QpLO">pic.twitter.com/S3qoU3QpLO</a></div>
— Keith Olbermann (@KeithOlbermann) <a href="https://twitter.com/KeithOlbermann/status/924358321439723521?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 28, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Meanwhile there was a political crisis in Spain as Catalonia made a bid for independence..</div>
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What happens in <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Catalonia?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Catalonia</a> is not an internal, but a European affair. Share this <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/video?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#video</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/helpCatalonia?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#helpCatalonia</a> <a href="https://t.co/b3wvLaQhxW">https://t.co/b3wvLaQhxW</a></div>
— Help Catalonia (@HelpCatalonia) <a href="https://twitter.com/HelpCatalonia/status/920182935327789056?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 17, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The Spanish dictatorial government, has just proposed the cessation of the entire government democratically elected by people of Catalonia <a href="https://t.co/t3oj4y5sry">pic.twitter.com/t3oj4y5sry</a></div>
— Ricard Faura Homedes (@ricardfaura) <a href="https://twitter.com/ricardfaura/status/921707444694286336?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 21, 2017</a></blockquote>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.vox.com/world/2017/10/31/16585386/catalan-independence-spain-referendum" target="_blank"><b>Vox article -- Catalonia's ill-fated bid for independence</b></a></span><br />
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2017 was a year of unrest and division around the world. The issue in Catalonia is still not resolved. The battle between democracy and dictatorship continues... </div>
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The Catalonia independence movement is not going away. Spain is staring at a long-term conflict in a deeply divided region. <a href="https://t.co/XB8CKACw7t">https://t.co/XB8CKACw7t</a></div>
— The New York Times (@nytimes) <a href="https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/944525510582915072?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 23, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Sadly October began and ended with horror. On Halloween October 31st an ISIS terrorist rented a Home Depot pickup truck and plowed into cyclists and runners on the bike path at Hudson River Park in Lower Manhattan, New York City killing 8 and injuring 11. After crashing into a school bus the driver ran out wielding two guns and was shot/arrested by police.</span></div>
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Eight people killed in New York 'act of terror' after truck drives on to bike path <a href="https://t.co/P5NqZlojSN">https://t.co/P5NqZlojSN</a></div>
— The Guardian (@guardian) <a href="https://twitter.com/guardian/status/925486915545165824?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 31, 2017</a></blockquote>
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One article suggested it's far too easy for anyone to rent a truck. Sadly it's just as easy for someone in the U.S. to buy a GUN. Maybe any time you are selling something that may be used as a weapon there should be some sort of process/waiting period/background check to prevent incidents like this. Again the more tragedies you can prevent, the better.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.northjersey.com/story/news/columnists/john-cichowski/2017/11/01/road-warrior-too-easy-rent-truck/823744001/" target="_blank">North Jersey article: Road Warrior -- too easy to rent a truck</a></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">NOVEMBER</span></b></div>
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Meanwhile in Canada...</div>
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Compared with what was going on in the rest of the world (the political insanity in America and natural disasters around the world), Canada is a relatively safe place to live and I have never been more proud or grateful to live here! Canada turned 150 this year! Happy Birthday Canada! We still have our problems of course -- the Retail Apocalypse has hit a number of stores -- Sears is going out of business (which makes me sad. I'm going to miss the Christmas Wish Book!) We still have violent crime (though nowhere near as bad as in the US). Like the US we also have an opioid crisis (though thankfully we had some MAJOR drug busts this year which will hopefully make a dent in the problem) and mental health crisis. 2017 was the year when anything could happen and human error/negligence could be deadly. In November, near Barrie Ontario, a distracted truck driver caused an apocalyptic 14 car pile up including two fuel tankers and several transport trucks and killed 3 people. </div>
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UPDATED: At least three dead after massive crash and 'apocalyptic' fire on Hwy. 400, OPP say <a href="https://t.co/xwZg6pQ7OS">https://t.co/xwZg6pQ7OS</a> <a href="https://t.co/8oOgnm6Qxx">pic.twitter.com/8oOgnm6Qxx</a></div>
— CP24 (@CP24) <a href="https://twitter.com/CP24/status/925772995095908352?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 1, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Distracted drivers are dangerous, truck drivers even more so. The OPP told reporters they responded to more than 5000 transport truck-related collisions in 2017, 56 of which resulted in 67 deaths.</div>
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We need to pay more attention.<br />
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It should go without saying that we have to protect that planet that sustains us but we have managed to pollute it to the point where climate change was wreaking havoc around the planet with record-breaking natural disasters becoming the norm.</div>
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In Delhi the pollution levels and smog were so bad that doctors declared an emergency. The level of airborne pollutants in India's capital were so harmful they were the equivalent of smoking 50 cigarettes a day! </div>
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Delhi doctors declare pollution emergency as smog chokes city <a href="https://t.co/2nnqRd4mSz">https://t.co/2nnqRd4mSz</a></div>
— The Guardian (@guardian) <a href="https://twitter.com/guardian/status/927847321743880192?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-leq2Bv-tLKE/Wjv3GSKlSoI/AAAAAAAAQ8E/vx0rLTKZ1O4RhB7Y_fRfA-cIPzgtrxFDACLcBGAs/s1600/Texas%2Bchurch%2Bshooting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="438" data-original-width="780" height="223" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-leq2Bv-tLKE/Wjv3GSKlSoI/AAAAAAAAQ8E/vx0rLTKZ1O4RhB7Y_fRfA-cIPzgtrxFDACLcBGAs/s400/Texas%2Bchurch%2Bshooting.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
In 2017 the world had become a living horror movie. #TexasChurchMassacre showed just how insane and horrific it could be. At a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas 26 people were killed and 20 injured when a 26 year old male dressed in black and armed with an assault rifle opened fire on parishioners on a Sunday morning. He then fled and shot himself in the head. Obviously unstable and with a history of domestic violence, he NEVER should have been able to buy a gun. This incident, like all the others (and sadly there are many in American history) shows just how crucial #GunControl is. There have to be laws in place to prevent tragedies like this from happening again. Gun dealers need to be held accountable. It should not be easy for a madman to buy a weapon to kill innocent people. Of all the places that people should feel safe, a church would have to be near the top of the list. Trigger-happy gun aficionados suggested people should start carrying guns everywhere to protect themselves. The solution to gun violence isn't MORE guns. It is less. And it is most importantly KEEPING GUNS OUT OF THE WRONG HANDS. Anyone with a history of violence and mental health issues, anyone who is a danger to himself and others should not be allowed to own a gun. Doesn't that make sense? Not to Trump. He actually repealed one of Obama's gun control rules - the Social Security Administration no longer has to submit names of mental health benefit recipients to federal agencies conducting background checks. Seems to me that would have been a good rule to KEEP! Someone who is so mentally ill that they are unable to work SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO BUY A GUN!!! Am I missing something here?! There is a mental health crisis AND a gun crisis. Making it easier for mentally ill people to obtain firearms is nothing short of criminal negligence. But this is how Trump runs the country (into the ground.) Once again there was blood on Trump's hands too.</div>
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At least 26 people were killed after church shooting in Sutherland Springs, Texas. Here’s how the incident unfolded <a href="https://t.co/9k3kQih5tt">https://t.co/9k3kQih5tt</a> <a href="https://t.co/vgkIuio80Z">pic.twitter.com/vgkIuio80Z</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/927394627900014592?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 6, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Prayers for <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/SanAntonio?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#SanAntonio</a> and all the families who are suffering the loss of loved ones. I’ll pray also for <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/GunControl?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#GunControl</a></div>
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) <a href="https://twitter.com/ladygaga/status/927293643043590146?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 5, 2017</a></blockquote>
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May God also grant all of us the wisdom to ask what concrete steps we can take to reduce the violence and weaponry in our midst.</div>
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) <a href="https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/927337619406643200?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 6, 2017</a></blockquote>
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When a terrorist act was committed by a non-white assailant with ties to ISIS, Trump was all over it because that fit into his xenophobic agenda, supposedly justifying his Muslim ban etc. When the culprit was a white male however, Trump was conspicuously silent. He couldn't dare to admit that when you study the statistics it is clear that there are more acts of terror by White Supremacist terrorists, that most mass killings are committed by white American males. Even the media seems to treat white killers differently. They are described as a "lone wolf" or mentally ill as opposed to a terrorist. Some couldn't resist commenting on the hypocrisy. Trump refused to acknowledge that most mass killings are committed by white males.<br />
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Don't worry everybody. <br />
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It was a white man who slaughtered half of the church in Texas. <br />
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That means everything is just fine.<br />
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No terrorism</div>
— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) <a href="https://twitter.com/ShaunKing/status/927285846168031232?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 5, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Gun control is one of the biggest issues but it became sadly apparent that many Americans prize their guns above human lives. It is FAR too easy to obtain a firearm in the United States. There should be thorough background checks and a waiting period. This may not prevent every violent crime but it would certainly have prevented many of the shootings that occurred. Someone who is unstable and a danger to himself and/or others should NOT have access to a firearm. Someone who is on the edge can do a lot less damage if they don't have a gun. The NRA and other trigger-happy morons will rant about their "constitutional right" to bear arms. How about the rights of innocent people NOT TO GET SHOT?! Shouldn't that trump everything else?!</div>
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Another shooting in California left 5 dead.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/15/us/california-tehama-county-shootings/index.html" target="_blank">CNN article: Gunman in Northern California rampage not supposed to have guns</a></span><br />
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Meanwhile, climate change continued to wreak havoc around the world...</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.reuters.com/article/us-malaysia-floods/flash-floods-kill-five-in-malaysia-army-deploys-to-rescue-thousands-of-displaced-idUSKBN1D50TL" target="_blank"><b>Reuters article: Flash flood kills 5 in Malaysia, thousands displaced</b></a></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.reuters.com/article/us-colombia-landslide/at-least-four-dead-18-missing-in-colombia-landslide-idUSKBN1D8317" target="_blank"><b>Reuters article: Colombia landslide</b></a></span><br />
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In a year of horrendous earthquakes, the deadliest was still to come...<br />
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A powerful 7.3 magnitude earthquake struck the Iran-Iraq border killing 452 people and injuring thousands.<br />
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To lose a child is every parent's worst nightmare. Loss of your homes and possessions is one thing but losing your loved ones is unbearable. My heart goes out to everyone in 2017 that lost a loved one in one of the many horrible tragedies throughout the year.<br />
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<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/12/middleeast/iraq-earthquake/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN article: Powerful Iran-Iraq earthquake is deadliest of 2017</b></a></div>
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More earthquakes were to come, only hours later in Japan and Costa Rica.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://metro.co.uk/2017/11/13/three-powerful-earthquakes-hit-japan-costa-rica-and-iran-within-hours-of-each-other-7074277/amp/" target="_blank"><b>Metro article: Three powerful earthquakes hit Japan Costa Rica Iran within hours of each other</b></a></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/costa-rica-earthquake-latest-today-panic-streets-power-lines-highways-san-jose-a8051461.html" target="_blank"><b>Independent article: Costa Rica Earthquake latest today </b></a></span><br />
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A 6.5 earthquake hit Costa Rica causing panic in the streets and knocking out power lines but at least there was no major infrastructure damage.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kAyuxg1gXik/Wj1KYTSELMI/AAAAAAAAQ8k/Ssn8v9eXj1QB4NfzuYblH-MSmCpjCP-jACLcBGAs/s1600/Greek%2Bflash%2Bfloods.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1600" height="192" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kAyuxg1gXik/Wj1KYTSELMI/AAAAAAAAQ8k/Ssn8v9eXj1QB4NfzuYblH-MSmCpjCP-jACLcBGAs/s320/Greek%2Bflash%2Bfloods.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Deadly flash floods caused "Biblical damage" in Athens. The deluge drowned streets in mud and debris, destroyed homes and businesses, killed at least fifteen people (many were missing so the death toll was hard to track) and injured dozens. Buildings collapsed and belongings were swept away in rivers of mud. Some argued that illegal construction over streams and riverbeds intensified the torrents. All year long Mother Nature gave us one warning and wake-up call after another -- destroy the Earth and she will destroy you. We have to commit to protecting the planet. For our own good.<br />
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Deadly flash floods cause 'biblical damage' in Athens <a href="https://t.co/weG4292J0L">https://t.co/weG4292J0L</a></div>
— The Guardian (@guardian) <a href="https://twitter.com/guardian/status/930859151126822912?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 15, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Even South Korea, which rarely experienced tremors, had an earthquake that left many injured and more than 1000 homeless. </div>
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<a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/11/16/south-korea-earthquake/869428001/" target="_blank"><b>USA Today article: South Korea earthquake</b></a></div>
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Yet another earthquake, in South Korea, left 1500 homeless and dozens injured. There seemed to be no end to it. All year long it was one catastrophe after another. Earthquakes, hurricanes, fires, floods. The sheer volume and severity of natural disasters were of Biblical proportions. What else could happen? Don't ask. </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b1KwHJl8sSM/Wj2VBqtoGZI/AAAAAAAAQ80/bQEvb9AGOdsWbI5e468WtsufDG0e6aDjgCLcBGAs/s1600/Mount%2BAgung%2Beruption%2B2017.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b1KwHJl8sSM/Wj2VBqtoGZI/AAAAAAAAQ80/bQEvb9AGOdsWbI5e468WtsufDG0e6aDjgCLcBGAs/s320/Mount%2BAgung%2Beruption%2B2017.jpg" width="240" /></a>Mount Agung in Bali which hadn't erupted in more than half a century started spewing ash. That couldn't be good... 100,000 people in 22 villages were evacuated.The last eruption, deemed a "moderate" one (in 1963) lasted a year and killed over 1000 people. As ash fell like snow, flights were cancelled and travelers stranded. Indonesia's National Disaster Management Authority warned eruptions were increasing and declared the highest alert level for the volcano. Beyond the local devastation, this could impact the entire globe. Scientists warn volcanic eruptions can push up the planet's thermostat for months as millions of tons of gases and particles spread through the atmosphere. Sulfur dioxide from the volcano react in the sky and could cool the earth. Eruptions can also change rainfall patterns around the world. Maybe this is Nature's way of counteracting global warming?! Volcanoes emit sulfur compounds straight into the stratosphere but they still don't hold a candle to the emissions from human activities which have a greater and longer lasting impact on climate. </div>
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this video taken from <a href="https://twitter.com/madenagi?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@madenagi</a> Instagram. Timelapse mode. posted more less from 10 hrs ago. stay safe everyone🙏 <a href="https://t.co/hlEta1n8u5">pic.twitter.com/hlEta1n8u5</a></div>
— Lynn Marceau (@celynn88) <a href="https://twitter.com/celynn88/status/935278957905158144?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 27, 2017</a></blockquote>
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A volcano spewing clouds of ash on the Indonesian island paradise of Bali has plunged one of the world's top tourist destinations into crisis <a href="https://t.co/LPul4oIugB">https://t.co/LPul4oIugB</a> <a href="https://t.co/AzkY7KceCG">pic.twitter.com/AzkY7KceCG</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/935508651934134272?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 28, 2017</a></blockquote>
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The <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Bali?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Bali</a> airport has re-opened after being shut down for two days due to the eruption of <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MountAgung?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MountAgung</a>. Thousands of passengers have been stranded since Monday. The backlog of almost 90K passengers is being dealt with. <a href="https://t.co/7W9dVMN7af">pic.twitter.com/7W9dVMN7af</a></div>
— AMHQ (@AMHQ) <a href="https://twitter.com/AMHQ/status/936187224332390400?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6vKBKn27__M/Wj2Vswzh7uI/AAAAAAAAQ88/-yomjcugERICUDMq4gZrHUyTSIvzHOaiACLcBGAs/s1600/Sophia%2BRobot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="650" height="177" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6vKBKn27__M/Wj2Vswzh7uI/AAAAAAAAQ88/-yomjcugERICUDMq4gZrHUyTSIvzHOaiACLcBGAs/s320/Sophia%2BRobot.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
In addition to the threat of a nuclear holocaust (with Trump and Jong Un bickering like idiots), natural disasters, plagues and of course the always possible "Zombie Apocalypse" apparently we can add a potential Robot Uprising to our list of nightmare-fuel science fiction turned fact Armageddon scenarios. The wizards at Hanson Robotics in Hong Kong created a robot so intelligent and life-like that she has even been granted citizenship in Saudi Arabia. The first robot to achieve such status. Now apparently she even wants to have a baby. What scares me is that Artificial Intelligence could make a pretty convincing argument that humans are running the planet into the ground and that they would do a better job than us. Sorry Sophia but you give me the creeps!</div>
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Even Stephen Hawking warned that AI pose a threat to civilization: </div>
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Stephen Hawking issues another dire warning about AI—it could "destroy" civilization <a href="https://t.co/xxsfpS5ChT">https://t.co/xxsfpS5ChT</a> <a href="https://t.co/oykWdTV5sx">pic.twitter.com/oykWdTV5sx</a></div>
— Newsweek (@Newsweek) <a href="https://twitter.com/Newsweek/status/928051987014475776?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
Hawking also warned we have only 100 years to leave Earth if we're to survive as a species.<br />
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<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/42122742/sophia-the-robot-wants-a-baby-and-says-family-is-really-important" target="_blank"><b>BBC article: Sophia the Robot wants a baby</b></a><br />
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So, the Robot Apocalypse may be impending but we should try to keep our sense of humour. This made me laugh out loud:<br />
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Sis should want a wig first but ok <a href="https://t.co/YoP7coHt8Q">https://t.co/YoP7coHt8Q</a></div>
— BRATDOLL (@teyjayy) <a href="https://twitter.com/teyjayy/status/935583737194131457?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 28, 2017</a></blockquote>
Then Trump, who brings clueless to a whole new level, thoughtlessly retweeted UK anti-Muslim propaganda videos on his page. This is a President spreading hateful propaganda, oblivious (and/or wholly indifferent) to the repercussions of such an action.
CNN article:
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/29/politics/donald-trump-retweet-jayda-fransen/index.html
Trump retweets anti-Muslim videos<br />
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Former CIA Director Leon Panetta on Trump’s anti-Muslim retweets: “The President of the United States is playing with fire. He may not know it, but he’s playing with fire… This is a dangerous game to play, and the President, frankly, ought to know better” <a href="https://t.co/c8MI8aANj1">https://t.co/c8MI8aANj1</a> <a href="https://t.co/GAisT3vfxJ">pic.twitter.com/GAisT3vfxJ</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/936379434772205569?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump sharing Britain First. Let that sink in. The President of the United States is promoting a fascist, racist, extremist hate group whose leaders have been arrested and convicted. He is no ally or friend of ours. <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@realDonaldTrump</a> you are not welcome in my country and my city.</div>
— David Lammy (@DavidLammy) <a href="https://twitter.com/DavidLammy/status/935842872238145536?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
As a leader in a democracy you have a responsibility to represent ALL of your citizens. To incite hatred (and make no mistake hate crimes against minorities increased with Trump in power) is beyond irresponsible. It is despicable.<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/11/the-new-islamophobia/547130/" target="_blank">Atlantic article: Islamophobia No Longer Needs Terrorism as a Justification</a> </b><br />
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Donald Trump's anti-Muslim tweets this morning feed Islamophobia & could incite violence and hate crimes against the Muslim community. They are absolutely disgraceful.</div>
— igorvolsky (@igorvolsky) <a href="https://twitter.com/igorvolsky/status/935862223599173632?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Dear <a href="https://twitter.com/BocaPolice?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@BocaPolice</a>,<br />
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I'm told this is in your town & that this young Muslim girl had been harassed for months before she was brutally assaulted here.<br />
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1. Why'd you allow this culture of Islamophobia to grow?<br />
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2. What are you going to do to hold those who assaulted her accountable? <a href="https://t.co/feqJfNu2ki">pic.twitter.com/feqJfNu2ki</a></div>
— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) <a href="https://twitter.com/ShaunKing/status/944281059130257410?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 22, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Islamophobia in America today is akin to anti-Semitism in Europe in the early to mid-1930s. <a href="https://t.co/OW4rjQ0pFP">pic.twitter.com/OW4rjQ0pFP</a></div>
— CJ Werleman (@cjwerleman) <a href="https://twitter.com/cjwerleman/status/944624923707707392?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 23, 2017</a></blockquote>
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things we should leave in 2017:<br />
-racism <br />
-islamophobia<br />
-sexism<br />
-misogyny <br />
-bullying <br />
-jake paul<br />
-team 10<br />
-donald trump</div>
— demi the wise (@gazebopiII) <a href="https://twitter.com/gazebopiII/status/947112527397343233?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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This year, the Word of the Year implicates millions of us. The word is “complicit.” 2017 is a year of reckoning. <a href="https://t.co/xrh4Usson8">https://t.co/xrh4Usson8</a></div>
— NYT Opinion (@nytopinion) <a href="https://twitter.com/nytopinion/status/936005051503521792?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
Searches for the word "complicit" increased 300% in 2017. There was an 11,000% spike in the search after an interview with Ivanka Trump where she was asked whether she felt complicit in White House activities and answered that she didn't know what the word meant.There was also a spike in October when Republican Senator Jeff Flake said that would not run for re-election because he didn't want to be "complicit or silent." So, to save anyone looking -- complicit means to be involved with others in illegal activity/wrongdoing. The thing is, if you are NOT part of the #Resistance, if you are NOT speaking out against the horrible things people like Trump are doing, you are complicit. You are allowing it to happen. Trump is a monster, but he is not alone (though they do drop like flies in his administration). Anyone working with him could have and should have spoken up and tried to stop him. If they fail to, they are as bad as he is. And there is blood on their hands too.<br />
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And just as a reminder that lives hang in the balance as Trump goads Kim Jong Un into war...<br />
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<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/28/politics/north-korea-missile-launch/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN article: New missile test North Korea capable of hitting all US mainland</b></a><br />
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CNN article:
New missile test shows North Korea capable of hitting all US mainland<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gw0SoVclqlQ/WkSDttKexiI/AAAAAAAAQ-c/_kTBDVnr1TA3nfBsg-IV9ogIbjhru3hwQCLcBGAs/s1600/empanada%2BPresident%2BVenezuela.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="480" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gw0SoVclqlQ/WkSDttKexiI/AAAAAAAAQ-c/_kTBDVnr1TA3nfBsg-IV9ogIbjhru3hwQCLcBGAs/s320/empanada%2BPresident%2BVenezuela.jpg" width="320" /></a>2017 as a whole could be seen as a cautionary tale on the dangers of toxic masculinity with Donald Trump as its poster boy. Kim Jong Un and Trump bickered back and forth like children over Twitter. Putin is a monster who basically made it legal to abuse women. Then this video of Venezuela's President Maduro, eating during a live broadcast, (while hilarious!) spoke volumes about the bloated, bullying tyrants who only care about themselves and not the people they are supposed to represent. Scarfing down an empanada on live TV while children are starving in his country comes across as a tad insensitive but then the toxic masculine male couldn't give a f$%^ about optics. "Let them eat cake!"
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Venezuela's president, already mocked for gaining weight amid a hunger crisis, pulls out an empanada from his desk during a live TV address. <a href="https://t.co/sPw63dbt83">pic.twitter.com/sPw63dbt83</a></div>
— Hannah Dreier (@hannahdreier) <a href="https://twitter.com/hannahdreier/status/926453745516531712?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 3, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Much of the hatred and violence throughout 2017 can be attributed to toxic masculinity. Men who disrespect or even hate women, who prize guns over human lives, who will step on anyone to get what they want. When these sorts of men are leaders of countries what kind of example does it set for other men? Unfortunately it emboldens other monsters to embrace the ugliest aspects of their sex.<br />
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<a href="https://www.truthdig.com/articles/toxic-masculinity-killing-us-many-ways/" target="_blank"><b>Truth dig article: Toxic masculinity is killing us in many ways</b></a><br />
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Luckily one positive thing to come out of 2017 was women beginning to take their power back and breaking their silence on sexual harassment and assault. #MeToo #WeinsteinEffect
Another positive thing in November, Charles Manson died. Ordinarily you say "Rest In Peace" when someone passes away but in his case it's more like "Rot in Hell you A-hole!"
Of course people had fun with the news. These tweets nailed it:
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Can't believe Charles Manson died before Trump could give him a cabinet position</div>
— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) <a href="https://twitter.com/laurenduca/status/932610833548566529?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 20, 2017</a></blockquote>
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This creepy weirdo cult leader has gone out of his way to try and incite an American race war. <br />
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But enough about Trump. Charles Manson just died.</div>
— Bryan Behar (@bryanbehar) <a href="https://twitter.com/bryanbehar/status/932510097774755846?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 20, 2017</a></blockquote>
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And if you needed a laugh, there's always a cat...or two...<br />
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This cat looks like it's being interviewed by the NYT about Trump's broken promise to bring bodega cat jobs to its town. <a href="https://t.co/oXKqIe4C7K">pic.twitter.com/oXKqIe4C7K</a></div>
— Brandi, #1 Heathcliff Investigative Journalist (@ItsTheBrandi) <a href="https://twitter.com/ItsTheBrandi/status/929899419088183297?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 13, 2017</a></blockquote>
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“SANDRA CAN YOU OPEN THIS FUCKING THING BIT OF A SITUATION HERE” <a href="https://t.co/4WOwZn9LGK">pic.twitter.com/4WOwZn9LGK</a></div>
— Ash Warner (@AlsBoy) <a href="https://twitter.com/AlsBoy/status/933474719554326528?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 22, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<b style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;">DECEMBER</span></b></div>
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2017 will be remembered as the year when all the metaphors became literal. <a href="https://t.co/pGvBOesAc3">https://t.co/pGvBOesAc3</a></div>
— Martin Sherman-Marks (@flying_ghoti) <a href="https://twitter.com/flying_ghoti/status/936578260259008512?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 1, 2017</a></blockquote>
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There was no question 2017 was a catastrophic year.
@NatGeo The US suffered more than $300 billion worth of damage from 17 named storms during the season
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The U.S. suffered more than $200 billion worth of damage from 17 named storms during the season <a href="https://t.co/N98nTUV7KO">https://t.co/N98nTUV7KO</a></div>
— National Geographic (@NatGeo) <a href="https://twitter.com/NatGeo/status/936761901647884289?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Figuratively Hollywood was burning with all the celebrities being accused of sexual assault. Literally, California was on fire. The Thomas Fire is the largest blaze in the state's history. It has burned 281,000 acres in Ventura and Santa Barbara. Nine hundred firefighters battling the fire since the month started now say it is mostly contained at the end of the month. But it isn't over yet. More than 1000 buildings have been destroyed, 3 people (including a firefighter) have been killed. This has been California's worst fire season ever. A heat wave, climate change mixed with a growing population created the perfect firestorm and can end it soon but as I type this it's still going.</div>
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The California wildfires are still raging, but this year’s fire season has already burned more acres than the average of the last five years.<br />
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Now is the time to discuss climate change.</div>
— Kamala Harris (@KamalaHarris) <a href="https://twitter.com/KamalaHarris/status/940349285203431425?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
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California wildfires have destroyed 1,000 structures ... and counting <a href="https://t.co/XopLCX0UTU">https://t.co/XopLCX0UTU</a> <a href="https://t.co/Q9u5n4omrA">pic.twitter.com/Q9u5n4omrA</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/940554342817583105?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Live footage from car dashboard of <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/CaliforniaFires?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#CaliforniaFires</a> looks like a scene from Dante's Inferno <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/CaliforniaWildfires?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#CaliforniaWildfires</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Travel?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Travel</a> <a href="https://t.co/Df3Y35IT3E">pic.twitter.com/Df3Y35IT3E</a></div>
— Britannia PR (@Britanniacomms) <a href="https://twitter.com/Britanniacomms/status/940314736708726789?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Mount Agung still has not had a major eruption but has caused a major disruption in Bali. Tens of thousands of residents have been displaced, and tourists are scared off. Considering 70% of its economy is linked to tourism, this will have a devastating impact financially on top of other damages and pollution
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Mount Agung volcano spews volcanic ash in Indonesia. <a href="https://t.co/qXLHbtIhbs">pic.twitter.com/qXLHbtIhbs</a></div>
— Life On Earth (@the_planetearth) <a href="https://twitter.com/the_planetearth/status/940376070309625856?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Some good news at least: Michael Flynn plead guilty and cooperated in Mueller's Russia investigation. Once again we got our hopes up that Trump's impeachment would be soon. Still waiting on that one...</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/dec/01/trumps-ex-national-security-adviser-michael-flynn-charged-with-lying-to-fbi" target="_blank"><b>Guardian article: Ex National Security Adviser Michael Flynn charged with lying to FBI</b></a></span><br />
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A Category 3 tropical cyclone, Cyclone Ockhi began in the Gulf of Thailand and ended in western India, leaving a trail of destruction in Sri Lanka, Lakshadweep, South India and Maldives and killing more than 245 people. A hundred fisherman are still missing so the death toll may be higher. A number of fisherman told the Indian Express newspaper that they weren't expecting the cyclone and it brought back haunting memories of the tsunami in 2004. Grieving families in Kerala told the media that authorities failed to warn them about the storm. Even after the storm hit, response was slow. No one realized the severity of it until it was too late. The Kerala government blamed the meteorological department for informing them too late about the danger of the cyclone.<br />
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Swept away <a href="https://t.co/2cd95mghZb">https://t.co/2cd95mghZb</a></div>
— BBC News (World) (@BBCWorld) <a href="https://twitter.com/BBCWorld/status/940014199606005760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Undoing decades of foreign policy and sparking rage and violence, Trump undermines America's position as peace mediator by moving the US embassy to Jerusalem. Recognizes Jerusalem as Israels' capital. "Opening the gates of hell in US interests" according to terrorist group Hamas.<br />
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As I said in parliament in the debate entitled Daniel in the lion’s den ( video on my Facebook with well over 1 Million views) the world is hopelessly ignorant of the importance of Jerusalem to 1.8 billion Muslims. Trump has opened the gates of hell <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Jerusalem?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Jerusalem</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/AlQuds?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#AlQuds</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Palestine?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Palestine</a></div>
— George Galloway (@georgegalloway) <a href="https://twitter.com/georgegalloway/status/938830863948763136?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Trump's declaration of war against 1000s—billions—of Muslims & Christians alike has "opened the gates of hell" <a href="https://t.co/7wxfq8AW4w">https://t.co/7wxfq8AW4w</a></div>
— Sarah Wilkinson (@swilkinsonbc) <a href="https://twitter.com/swilkinsonbc/status/938480413517008899?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 6, 2017</a></blockquote>
Way to go, Trump! They CANCELLED CHRISTMAS IN NAZARETH (as in the PLACE WHERE JESUS WAS BORN!!!)<br />
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Jesus’s hometown Nazareth has CANCELLED Christmas celebrations, to protest Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s Capital....The oldest Christian denominations Across the Middle East are outraged by US’s move. <a href="https://t.co/LOcpbptrdf">https://t.co/LOcpbptrdf</a></div>
— Rula Jebreal (@rulajebreal) <a href="https://twitter.com/rulajebreal/status/941811415584788480?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 15, 2017</a></blockquote>
At least an attempted terror attack in New York failed. If only they always failed.<br />
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'Terror attack' in New York: Footage shows moment 'pipe bomb malfunctions and explodes prematurely, injuring ISIS-inspired suspect' <a href="https://t.co/h7ntzbuIqI">https://t.co/h7ntzbuIqI</a> <a href="https://t.co/0IkQeZneqT">pic.twitter.com/0IkQeZneqT</a></div>
— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) <a href="https://twitter.com/DailyMail/status/940233351381864448?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
After all the sexual abuse allegations against him everyone was happy to hear Roy Moore lost the Alabama US senate to Doug Jones. Everyone except Trump who was still supporting Moore. Because of course he was. Vultures of a feather flock together. Trump, being a Republican with sexual assault allegations against him as well couldn't very well condemn Moore. It was sickening that there seemed to be consequences for all sexual predators EXCEPT Trump. When would he lose his job?<br />
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Editorial: Roy Moore Loses, Sanity Reigns <a href="https://t.co/dIT9D6q3Q8">https://t.co/dIT9D6q3Q8</a></div>
— The New York Times (@nytimes) <a href="https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/940829793490276357?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 13, 2017</a></blockquote>
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UNICEF released a terrifying report: 17 million babies face brain development issues due to toxic air (toxicity 6x higher than what's safe.) South Asia has the largest population of babies in the worst affected areas -- 12.2 million babies. Ultrafine pollution particles can enter the bloodstream and travel to the brain causing neuro-inflammation, other pollution particles cause neuro-degenerative disease. Young children are especially vulnerable because they can be affected by a smaller dosage of chemicals than an adult. Because they breathe more rapidly and their physical defenses/immunities aren't developed they are extremely vulnerable to air pollution. This is tragic and stresses the importance of clean air, for everyone but especially children. Around the world we must commit to reducing air pollution, investing in clean, renewable energy sources, replace fossil fuel combustion, provide better waste management, prevent burning harmful chemicals.</div>
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.<a href="https://twitter.com/UNICEF?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@UNICEF</a> warns that 17 million babies worldwide are breathing toxic air -- and it's not just a threat to their lungs <a href="https://t.co/P8RrGX2qq4">https://t.co/P8RrGX2qq4</a></div>
— CBS News Health (@CBSHealth) <a href="https://twitter.com/CBSHealth/status/938498507404701696?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 6, 2017</a></blockquote>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>And to remind us just how small we are in the grand scheme of things, Science discovers a distant supermassive black hole 13.1 billion light years away.
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Scientists have uncovered a rare relic from the early universe: the farthest known supermassive black hole <a href="https://t.co/ZXFYYWSQR7">https://t.co/ZXFYYWSQR7</a> <a href="https://t.co/1sOGmnNNV2">pic.twitter.com/1sOGmnNNV2</a></div>
— NASA JPL (@NASAJPL) <a href="https://twitter.com/NASAJPL/status/938480040869642241?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 6, 2017</a></blockquote>
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And to remind us of the difference between Democrats and Republicans: Accountability.<br />
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Sen. Al Franken (D)<br />
👉 Accused by 8 women<br />
👉 Forced him to resign<br />
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Rep. John Conyers (D)<br />
👉 Accused by 6 women<br />
👉 Forced him to resign<br />
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Donald Trump (R)<br />
👉 Accused by 20 women<br />
👉 Full GOP support<br />
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Roy Moore (R)<br />
👉 Accused by 9 women<br />
👉 Full GOP support<a href="https://t.co/Nwv6aRF0sg">https://t.co/Nwv6aRF0sg</a></div>
— J. Dice 🎲 (@jdice03) <a href="https://twitter.com/jdice03/status/938822611663851521?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 7, 2017</a></blockquote>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>A 6.5 earthquake on the island of Java...<br />
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powerful <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/earthquake?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#earthquake</a> (<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/gempa?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#gempa</a>) shakes Java, Indonesia 8 min ago. Effects derived from witnesses' reports: <a href="https://t.co/MCMMWBTDO3">pic.twitter.com/MCMMWBTDO3</a></div>
— EMSC (@LastQuake) <a href="https://twitter.com/LastQuake/status/941713349779316736?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 15, 2017</a></blockquote>
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US statistics show an increase in drug overdoses:<br />
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<a href="https://www.usnews.com/news/national-news/articles/2017-12-15/drug-overdose-deaths-continue-to-soar" target="_blank"><b>US News article: Drug overdose deaths continue to soar</b></a><br />
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And just when you thought 2017 couldn't get more weird, it snows in TEXAS...<br />
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A "Texas Christmas miracle"<br />
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Snow in south Texas? Yes, you read that right <a href="https://t.co/eB68OEoewa">https://t.co/eB68OEoewa</a> <a href="https://t.co/PhoiU9S3F2">pic.twitter.com/PhoiU9S3F2</a></div>
— CNN (@CNN) <a href="https://twitter.com/CNN/status/939193340779692038?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Snow in Texas was not exactly a Christmas miracle, more like a sign of Climate Change and just how messed up things had become. The arctic was melting while places that were supposed to be hot were getting snow.<br />
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There was good news in December anyway, unlike the previous Person of the Year (Trump in 2016) this year's was courageous and inspiring. It wasn't just a person it was people -- women who bravely spoke up and spoke out against sexual harassment and assault. Time's Person of the Year was the Silence Breakers. They were pioneers in a Revolution, a reckoning where men who used their power to abuse women were FINALLY being held accountable. Women are taking their power back. Hollywood icons and moguls have fallen, CEOs have been fired. Some are even facing criminal charges. Yet somehow Trump, with numerous allegations against him, and even after the<br />
Access Hollywood tape surfaced in October 2016 (where he boasts about grabbing women by the genitals. "When you're a star you can do ANYTHING!") suffered no consequences. He STILL got elected. He STILL hasn't been impeached.</div>
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Thank you to <a href="https://twitter.com/TIME?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@TIME</a>'s Person of the Year- the SILENCE BREAKERS for your voices in this time of change. <a href="https://t.co/jUwITSW1qo">https://t.co/jUwITSW1qo</a></div>
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— Emma Watson (@EmmaWatson) <a href="https://twitter.com/EmmaWatson/status/938805184586768384?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 7, 2017</a></div>
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Until he's impeached, the Resistance will continue to fight Trump. He will be thwarted by anyone with the power and the decency to keep him in check...<br />
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US District Judge denies request to enforce ban on trans recruits<br />
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Transgender people can enlist in military starting Jan. 1, judge rules, denying Trump administration request to delay order <a href="https://t.co/U1YHTfv9rf">https://t.co/U1YHTfv9rf</a></div>
— Washington Post (@washingtonpost) <a href="https://twitter.com/washingtonpost/status/940290533267791874?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 11, 2017</a></blockquote>
And thankfully celebrities aren't shy about expressing their distaste for Trump and imploring people to take action to do something about it.<br />
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Alec Baldwin on Trump:
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But in an exclusive video op-ed for <a href="https://twitter.com/mic?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@Mic</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/AlecBaldwin?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@AlecBaldwin</a> takes a break from comedy to get serious about what he views as Trump’s most egregious offenses towards the American people and the office of the presidency. <a href="https://t.co/r8jrbh5jv9">https://t.co/r8jrbh5jv9</a> <a href="https://t.co/6YMReD6Bas">pic.twitter.com/6YMReD6Bas</a></div>
— Mic (@mic) <a href="https://twitter.com/mic/status/939174460220952576?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3zaI8b5q-rY/Wj2juVDd-bI/AAAAAAAAQ9s/PGJSXHsVmJkVZCFDROGVPv4iKYPIaqe7wCLcBGAs/s1600/Trump%2Bobstruction.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="332" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3zaI8b5q-rY/Wj2juVDd-bI/AAAAAAAAQ9s/PGJSXHsVmJkVZCFDROGVPv4iKYPIaqe7wCLcBGAs/s320/Trump%2Bobstruction.jpg" width="265" /></a>Hopefully Trump's days are numbered. He does something horrendous or incredibly stupid every single day he's in office.<br />
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One day, unbelievably, Trump accidentally confessed to obstruction of justice on Twitter. Yes. He's just that clueless! His tweet about Flynn didn't line up with his previously stated version of events...Basically he admitted that he knew Flynn had lied to the FBI and that's why he fired him. Asking Comey to go easy on Flynn and then firing Comey for continuing the investigation amounts to obstruction. Later realizing his gaffe, Trump tried to play it off like his lawyer wrote that tweet. As if. I think an attorney would know better. Otherwise I'd be firing him! Trump clearly writes all his own tweets. That's why they're so stupid. He's a hothead who needs to take a breath and count to 10 before he hate tweets something insane which will come back to bite him in the butt. He also needs to spell check!<br />
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I love the Daily News headlines about Trump. They always nail it!<br />
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Here's Trump's tweet (aka confession...)<br />
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I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI. He has pled guilty to those lies. It is a shame because his actions during the transition were lawful. There was nothing to hide!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/937007006526959618?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Naturally Twitter had a field day with it...
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MAJOR BREAKING NEWS: President Trump Accidentally Admits on Twitter to Committing Obstruction of Justice<br />
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(The dates and statements check out. This analysis from MSNBC is correct.) <a href="https://t.co/Rcd5Eb0gUD">https://t.co/Rcd5Eb0gUD</a></div>
— Seth Abramson (@SethAbramson) <a href="https://twitter.com/SethAbramson/status/937022705378975744?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
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THIS IS OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. <a href="https://twitter.com/POTUS?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@POTUS</a> now admits he KNEW Michael Flynn lied to the FBI. Yet Trump tried to influence or stop the FBI investigation on <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Flynn?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Flynn</a>. <a href="https://t.co/8JqGBxgou0">https://t.co/8JqGBxgou0</a></div>
— Ted Lieu (@tedlieu) <a href="https://twitter.com/tedlieu/status/937012899972759552?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Oh my god, he just admitted to obstruction of justice. If Trump knew Flynn lied to the FBI when he asked Comey to let it go, then there is your case. <a href="https://t.co/c6Wtd0TfzW">https://t.co/c6Wtd0TfzW</a></div>
— Matthew Miller (@matthewamiller) <a href="https://twitter.com/matthewamiller/status/937009631662104578?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2017</a></blockquote>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/robert-mueller-thousands-trump-transition-emails-article-1.3704068" target="_blank"><b>New York Daily News: Robert Mueller gets thousands of Trump transition emails</b></a><br />
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It would seem Robert Mueller has more than enough to impeach Trump at this point but we will have to wait and see. Maybe Trump will resign like Nixon to save what little dignity he has left (too late!)
Trump is constantly bullying and berating everyone he disagrees with but he is particularly vicious and insulting with women he feels threatened by. Recently he had this to say about Senator Gillibrand:
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Lightweight Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, a total flunky for Chuck Schumer and someone who would come to my office “begging” for campaign contributions not so long ago (and would do anything for them), is now in the ring fighting against Trump. Very disloyal to Bill & Crooked-USED!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/940567812053053441?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Are you really trying to bully, intimidate and slut-shame <a href="https://twitter.com/SenGillibrand?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@SenGillibrand</a>? Do you know who you're picking a fight with? Good luck with that, <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@realDonaldTrump</a>. Nevertheless, <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/shepersisted?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#shepersisted</a>. <a href="https://t.co/mYJtBZfxiu">https://t.co/mYJtBZfxiu</a></div>
— Elizabeth Warren (@SenWarren) <a href="https://twitter.com/SenWarren/status/940615748988342273?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 12, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Women are a force to be reckoned with. We won’t be silenced.</div>
— Kirsten Gillibrand (@SenGillibrand) <a href="https://twitter.com/SenGillibrand/status/940743047981264898?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 13, 2017</a></blockquote>
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“President Trump is wrong, he is a bully and he’s been attacking people across this country since he’s been president.”<br />
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Sen. Gillibrand speaks exclusively to <a href="https://twitter.com/TODAYshow?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@TODAYshow</a>. <a href="https://t.co/yHyGAcP5sZ">pic.twitter.com/yHyGAcP5sZ</a></div>
— NBC News (@NBCNews) <a href="https://twitter.com/NBCNews/status/940919763307556864?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 13, 201</a></blockquote>
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In 2017 the only thing you could take for granted was that you shouldn't take anything for granted. Now the internet, which has always been free, soon may not be...<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/what-the-us-net-neutrality-repeal-means-for-americans-and-canadians/article37350009/" target="_blank">Globe and Mail article: What the net neutrality repeal means for Americans and Canadians</a></b><br />
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Twitter weighed in on the issue:<br />
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“You up?” <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/NetNeutrality?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#NetNeutrality</a> <a href="https://t.co/P3v0PhQI42">pic.twitter.com/P3v0PhQI42</a></div>
— Javier (@TooChill_Javi) <a href="https://twitter.com/TooChill_Javi/status/941382156751908864?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 14, 2017</a></blockquote>
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me deciding if my funny tweet is good enough to pay $2 to send <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/NetNeutrality?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#NetNeutrality</a> <a href="https://t.co/rduJni8Uxk">pic.twitter.com/rduJni8Uxk</a></div>
— gifs (@GlF_reactions) <a href="https://twitter.com/GlF_reactions/status/941380415285284865?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 14, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Hopefully the internet will still be free because I've become rather fond of sharing my thoughts here, on Twitter etc! But if they make us start paying for everything I just won't use it. I'll go off the grid for good! Don't think I won't! I'm still making do with an i-phone 4 and I don't have any apps on it (which is good because they wouldn't work anyway!)
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There.<br />
Is.<br />
A.<br />
Trump.<br />
Tweet.<br />
For.<br />
EVERYTHING.<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TaxScamBill?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TaxScamBill</a> edition.<br />
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Trump 2015: "We must reduce taxes for the middle class!"<br />
Trump 2017: "We must pass a piece of legislation that taxes the middle class to death and call it "tax reform".<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MondayMorning?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MondayMorning</a><br />
h/t <a href="https://twitter.com/MaverickofKain?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@MaverickofKain</a> <a href="https://t.co/2Nyw4AaEUV">pic.twitter.com/2Nyw4AaEUV</a></div>
— Holly O'Reilly (@AynRandPaulRyan) <a href="https://twitter.com/AynRandPaulRyan/status/942727185688805376?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 18, 2017</a></blockquote>
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At least Trump is consistent in being an odious a-hole who is only concerned about the interests of billionaires like himself and leaves everyone else to rot. He's like a reverse Robin Hood -- rob from the poor and give to the rich! Now he's released his tax reform (aka Trump Tax Scam) which -- surprise! Surprise! -- features tax cuts for the wealthy and screws everyone else over. Pretty much the opposite of what he promised the working and middle class when he was running for office. He conned them into thinking he would represent them. He was going to "drain the swamp." Instead he's filling it. But his few remaining supporters are so ignorant they probably haven't figured it out yet... They likely won't read the tax bill. If they can read at all. The only ones praising the tax bill are the wealthy donors who wanted cuts and got them. It's deplorable. But then that's their catchphrase isn't it? Trump is a liar, scam artist, snake oil salesman. He lied and cheated his way into the White House and he will continue to con the American people, rape and pillage the planet and flirt with annihilation as long as you let him. For the love of God, get him out! #ImpeachTrump Come on Mueller! You must have more than enough evidence of treason by now... #RussiaGate #Collusion<br />
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Most Americans oppose tax bill. No economic theory backs huge tax cuts in a strong economy w/ high debt. It will explode the deficit.<br />
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Citizens United case gave billionaires power to make or break politicians. The donor class wants tax cuts. They'll get it.<br />
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That's America today.</div>
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) <a href="https://twitter.com/kurteichenwald/status/943142563917320197?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 19, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Bernie always tells it like it is. The tax bill is a disgrace. Trump is a disgrace. It's been this way all year. Can we just impeach him already?!
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Senate Republicans just passed their tax reform bill. What an utter disgrace. <a href="https://t.co/GCnWnPW93H">pic.twitter.com/GCnWnPW93H</a></div>
— Bernie Sanders (@SenSanders) <a href="https://twitter.com/SenSanders/status/943357345781907457?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 20, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RNAft73EWJ4/Wj2bwZLz2AI/AAAAAAAAQ9M/5fVX8K_puAIpm_HUiYZAQGQgbVV_eKdgACLcBGAs/s1600/Amtrak%2BTrain%2Bderailment.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="414" data-original-width="992" height="166" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RNAft73EWJ4/Wj2bwZLz2AI/AAAAAAAAQ9M/5fVX8K_puAIpm_HUiYZAQGQgbVV_eKdgACLcBGAs/s400/Amtrak%2BTrain%2Bderailment.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
The Trump Train wasn't the only one going off the rails in Washington. On its first run, an Amtrak high speed train plunged off the tracks onto traffic below killing three people and injuring 100. They're still investigating the cause but speed was obviously a factor. The train careened around the curve at three times the speed limit. For some reason Positive Train Control -- the technology that's supposed to automatically slow down a speeding train -- wasn't activated. Somehow a speeding train plunging off the tracks is a tragic and perfect metaphor for 2017. Like many tragedies throughout the year, it shouldn't have happened. It was preventable on so many levels. Yet here we are.<br />
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Federal officials confirm Amtrak train was 50 mph over speed limit when it careened off an overpass south of Seattle, killing 3. <a href="https://t.co/7QaBORgFoM">https://t.co/7QaBORgFoM</a></div>
— AP West Region (@APWestRegion) <a href="https://twitter.com/APWestRegion/status/943044083609718784?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 19, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Amtrak CEO calls fatal derailment a "wake up call." I've lost count of how many wake-up calls we had this year.<br />
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<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/20/us/amtrak-derailment-washington/index.html" target="_blank"><b>CNN article: Amtrak Derailment in Washington</b></a><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sqkatAYBTPo/WjqJQUk9hCI/AAAAAAAAQ4U/T70saVZgaAgIt47oCqeM6R673t30kqb6QCLcBGAs/s1600/This%2Bis%2Bfine.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="567" height="190" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sqkatAYBTPo/WjqJQUk9hCI/AAAAAAAAQ4U/T70saVZgaAgIt47oCqeM6R673t30kqb6QCLcBGAs/s400/This%2Bis%2Bfine.png" width="400" /></a>We need to wake up. We need Positive Train Control, Positive Politics Control, Positive Climate Control. Gun control. We need to take control of our lives and stop being passive participants. We need more love and peace, less hatred and violence. We need more accountability, more honor, more humanity. We need to change. We have had so many wake up calls this year and yet somehow we still seem to be asleep. Yes some people are speaking up and demanding change. But others are shuffling around like zombies, living in a delusional bubble, wilfully ignoring the truth around them. We have become so bombarded with tragedy that we've grown accustomed to it, become desensitized to it. Some prefer to just bury their heads in the sand and pretend it's not happening. 2017 has not been normal. It's time to wake up, as a whole, to save ourselves and our planet. We need to learn from our mistakes, triumph over tragedy, know better and DO BETTER. Shootings keep happening, with no gun control. Disasters continue to strike with no real commitment to reduce pollution/reverse climate change. To err is human but there shouldn't be so many blunders, so much carelessness, recklessness and negligence. Especially when peoples' lives hang in the balance. For all of our resistance, we are still speeding toward destruction and we can't be surprised when it comes. </div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">2017 has been Hell. And now Hell has frozen over. Climate change doesn't JUST mean global warming. It means that temperatures are messed up. Cold is hot. Hot is cold. Up is down. So the arctic is melting while places that are normally warm are getting snow. Here in North America there has been an Extreme Cold Warning for a week. The U.S. especially is experiencing record low temperatures. Even Niagara Falls has frozen over and sharks are freezing into sharkcicles... </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://metro.co.uk/2017/12/30/niagara-falls-freezes-sharks-freezing-death-atlantic-7192401/" target="_blank"><b>Metro article: Niagara Falls freezes over and sharks freezing to death</b></a></span></div>
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Niagara falls FREEZES as wind chill drops as low as -89 DEGREES <a href="https://t.co/V6vuIShHS6">https://t.co/V6vuIShHS6</a> <a href="https://t.co/gea3qNAMZh">pic.twitter.com/gea3qNAMZh</a></div>
— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) <a href="https://twitter.com/DailyMail/status/947121611827793921?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Of course simpleton Trump couldn't resist using the cold snap as evidence against Global Warming/Climate Change:<br />
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In the East, it could be the COLDEST New Year’s Eve on record. Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming that our Country, but not other countries, was going to pay TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS to protect against. Bundle up!</div>
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/946531657229701120?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
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Science, which Trump has never been a fan of, proves him wrong:<br />
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1) There is a difference between <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/weather?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#weather</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/climate?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#climate</a>. <br />
2) Short-term <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/cold?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#cold</a> snaps will continue to occur in a warming climate.<br />
3) 2017 will likely be a top three warmest year on record for the globe. <br />
(Graphic: Univ. of Maine - Climate Change Institute) <a href="https://t.co/kzuugeXi80">https://t.co/kzuugeXi80</a> <a href="https://t.co/gueOsp4yvu">pic.twitter.com/gueOsp4yvu</a></div>
— The Weather Channel (@weatherchannel) <a href="https://twitter.com/weatherchannel/status/946749152167211009?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222;">It has been a year of extremes -- record-breaking hot and cold temperatures, catastrophic fires and floods. It has been a year of conflict, division, anger, hatred and violence, racism, bigotry, cruelty, negligence and indifference. We need more humanity, more love, more peace, more oneness. Despite so many brushes with the Apocalypse this year, somehow we made it through. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Let's move onward together...</span><br />
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All across America people chose to get involved, get engaged and stand up. Each of us can make a difference, and all of us ought to try. So go keep changing the world in 2018.</div>
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) <a href="https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/946775615893655552?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 29, 2017</a></blockquote>
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OK, time to turn this year around</div>
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) <a href="https://twitter.com/bridger_w/status/947186710877630464?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 30, 2017</a></blockquote>
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There is still some good in the world, in humanity, there is still love and beauty and art. There is still humour (which is truly a survival mechanism. We couldn't get through all this crap without it!) It was a great year for music at least, so there's that. It was a great year for breaking the silence, speaking up and speaking out. So many women showed courage this year and it's inspiring. We need to hold on to that and celebrate it. Even amidst so much ugliness and despair, we can find beauty and hope. We can never give up. In the face of tyranny and oppression, the Resistance lives on.<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Without question 2017 sucked but 2018 is here and hopefully many positive changes ahead. My hope is that we can learn to be more kind to ourselves, each other and the planet. At the end of the day we are all in this together. We are one race -- human -- and it's in our best interests to work together and peacefully co-exist. I hope we can all strive to be better and do better. And when we see those doing wrong, that we can speak up, resist and demand change. Impeach Trump. Come on, Mueller!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I wrote a song about 2017. For all its doom and gloom we still made it through and we have to focus on the positive. We are still here and we can try to make a better tomorrow.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">"Dear 2017: Glad you're over now. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Don't let the door hit you on the way out.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">It was a terrible year. Everything went wrong.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">But they say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">so we must be strong. We must be strong now. We must be strong."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Thank you for reading this post! I put a lot into it. It wasn't easy to find time and I had several technical glitches to work through! It's taken me quite a while to compile (chipping away a bit at a time.) Not sure why I felt compelled to do this project but for some reason I did. As I mentioned earlier, this blog is usually more personal (about my daughter and I) and less global (natural disasters etc!) but 2017 was a BIZARRE year and I was constantly shocked by what I heard in the news (mostly on Twitter.) It was a lot to take in! Some of my friends told me I just shouldn't read the news because it stresses me out but I couldn't look away. I couldn't believe it was happening. Ignoring it was not an option. Writing a blog about it all is my way of processing it. As a single Mom sometimes it feels like you carry the weight of the world, (a dying world at that in 2017!) and it can be overwhelming. This has been a rough year for me for so many reasons. At the very least I needed to get all of this off of my chest! Writing is therapy! Now I can take a deep breath and go do yoga... Namaste...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Happy New Year! Best wishes for peace, love and happiness in 2018!</span></div>
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Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-87455397449361842642017-12-14T09:31:00.002-05:002017-12-15T20:55:23.065-05:00Mind Full...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It was officially Fall and I was officially falling apart. As mentioned in my last post I had a bit of a breakdown in late September/early October. Between the stress of work, the world in general and going too long running on less than empty (16 hour nightshifts on almost no sleep) I finally cracked. Couldn't sleep. Intestinal issues. Mental issues. Was a jangle of nerves. Did a lot of crying. I wasn't shy about asking for help though: spoke to my doctor, a counselor, my sister, started doing meditation and breathing exercises, even went for a professional massage for the first time in my life! (Massage therapy was one of the things covered by my benefits and yet I never took advantage of it. Back when I had boyfriends, they just gave me massages.)<br />
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The massage was great. It was very relaxing, although it too made me cry. The RMT was very understanding and had Kleenex on hand. He said it's natural. You hold tension in your body, physically, and loosening it can be emotional. I also wound up giving him the edited version of my life story when he asked for details about my stress. He was very nice and confided in me about his life struggles as well. It seemed that he too had been involved in a toxic relationship where he tried to rescue someone who was broken. I guess it's part of being a healer. You take the weight of the world on your shoulders.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U-3mKhrPEoE/WfooyxCI1LI/AAAAAAAAP8g/oFAoDqUkyQ0C0VwsoNfbrRpMSDyN635egCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2606.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1273" data-original-width="1600" height="252" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U-3mKhrPEoE/WfooyxCI1LI/AAAAAAAAP8g/oFAoDqUkyQ0C0VwsoNfbrRpMSDyN635egCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2606.JPG" width="320" /></a>When your mind is always full and you're spinning it's hard to shut down. You can't sleep because you can't stop thinking. You stress. I've never been able to meditate and clear my mind. It takes a lot of practice to be able to do that. Writing helps me to get rid of some of that mental clutter anyway. It's a form of therapy. I had all this stress, anger and anxiety and needed to vent. Eminem's epic freestyle anti-Trump rant "The Storm" inspired me to try to write my first rap. Rap seemed the perfect genre to vent all that I was feeling. I'd written hundreds of songs (about 1000 now actually!) but never attempted a rap aside from a small rap section in "Scared" which I got a real rapper to perform for my CD "Magnetic." Rhymes and phrases started coming to me as I was driving etc. When I actually put pen to paper, the words came flooding out. I wanted to include the lyrics on Youtube but it wouldn't let me since it was so long (hand-written on lined paper it was 4 pages long!) I'll include them here. It took a while for me to memorize the song and be able to get through it without messing up. I finally managed to record it. I'm not a rapper. Hopefully it's not too embarassing! Go easy on me! (Until/unless you have written and performed your own rap, don't judge me! LOL) This is my first attempt at rapping. It is VERY VERY hard to remember all those words and try to get through them in time with the beat. I wore a skeleton shirt & gloves as a kind of Grim Reaper. I found a "Doomsday" backdrop at a Halloween store and used it for the background. It seemed appropriate for a song about "carrying the weight of a dying world." I found the perfect backing music -- "Aggressive Choir Rap Beat/Instrumental by Sero Produktion." The song is pretty bleak but then 2017 has been an apocalyptic year. I tried to end the song on a positive note at least...<br />
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Here are the lyrics:<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Soundtrack to my breakdown – rap lyrics by Ann Marie Pincivero<u></u><u></u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Copyright October 2017<u></u><u></u></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Can't carry the weight of a dying world... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Holla from my amygdala – anger/fear fight or flight.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The tension’s relentless – it never lets me sleep at night.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Deep pressed, sinking, thinking, stressed out.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Wanna shout from the rooftops.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Can’t heal what I feel, the nightmares are real and they don’t stop!<u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I feel buried. It’s scary. Can’t carry the weight of a dying world.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Headstone leave me alone – let me live with my little girl.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m fretting, I’m sweating, I’m letting this shit get to me.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Chorus: <b>The catastrophic state of society causes anxiety<u></u><u></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Everyone’s scrambling, rambling, ambulance sirens are wailing.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">He won’t go back to jail, if life is a test we’re failing.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m sick of being a sentinel to ODs on fentanyl –<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Lost girls and boys like misfit toys addicted to poisons.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">But booze & drugs can’t fill the void. Easy to be paranoid.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Who can you really trust in the wind when you’re made of dust?<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m tired of the blindness of tyrants. Sick of the violence in silence.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Sick of bad guys winning while nice girls finish last.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Glass ceiling intact, at least the casting couch is getting flack…<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Chorus: <b>The catastrophic state of society causes anxiety<u></u><u></u></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u></u> </span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Too many assaults & domestics, coward bully abusers,<u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Cheaters, liars and users, predators with excuses.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m sick of fights and suicides, hurricanes and rising tides.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Destroying the planet and each other. Earth is one angry Mother --<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She’s fighting back with a vengeance.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We need some repentance. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We turned the world toxic, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">So dark and chaotic.<u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Can we end the confusion, pollution?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Solution: revolution!<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Kick the monsters off their thrones -- the nuclear Narcissists,<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Flirting with annihilation, need to leave this situation!<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Their mistakes are prodigious – don’t need walls, we need bridges.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Don’t need nukes, need to fix this or we’re all in deep shit!<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The road where we’re heading leads straight to Armaggedon…<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mental health is exploding, while the planet’s imploding </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">And the demons unloading b</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">ullets from rooftops like raindrops it’s got to stop!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">These are preventable tragedies – stop selling weapons of terror please!<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Stop the malice, the madness, the sadness, the badness.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Is there still goodness? Let’s find it! Put the evil behind us.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We need more heroes, less villains. More support for the victims.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">More truth & more vision, more God, less religion.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The world’s gone to hell. We’re on fire, save ourselves.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The fires, the floods, the pain and the blood.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Asteroid’s grazing us. Everyone’s crazy now.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I don’t want to be in the front seat for the Apocalypse!<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Insomniac, panic attack, gonna crack, I can’t do this!<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It’s excessive, oppressive, no rest, it’s more than I can take.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m not OK, no way. I’m having a breakdown!<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It figures these triggers are bigger than me, they’re digging me an early grave.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m a slave, not brave. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Can’t relax when the free world is run by a Nazi. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Doomed to repeating history, s</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">preading hatred & misery.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">There’s no place for racism in 2017 – all lives matter – black or white.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Do what’s right! I still share Martin’s dream…<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Chorus: <b>The catastrophic state of society causes anxiety<u></u><u></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">When we’re hopeless and helpless and breathless and desperate,<u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Inundated, frustrated with the mess we’ve created --<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Let’s escape from this illness, find peace and love in the stillness.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m done – Imma stay away – I’m doing yoga now – Namaste.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m so tired of seething. I’m focusing on my breathing.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">In the chaotic cacophony I’ll find calmness inside of me.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My hope is my little girl. I pray for a better world. <u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<u></u> </div>
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by Ann Marie Pincivero Copyright October 2017<br />
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Here is the video:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Wc3tjzbedeo/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Wc3tjzbedeo?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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It's far from perfect but I was pleased with myself that I got through the whole song without forgetting anything or messing up too royally. I recorded it while Michelle was at school. I have profound respect for rap artists now having attempted it myself! It's SO HARD! It takes years of practice to get really good -- to develop your voice and be able to rap quickly. I didn't want to put on a phony rap voice, so it's just my voice with a bit of anger/attitude behind it. I did my best. I didn't have the luxury of doing 100 takes so I kind of had to settle. If nothing else it was extremely therapeutic to vent all of these thoughts, feelings and anxieties. Now I feel like I can try to be free of it. A friend suggested I just don't read/watch the news or pay attention to Twitter trends because it will drive you crazy if you focus on everything that's wrong in the world lately. I have enough stress at work without reading about the horrors in the news -- terrorist attacks, shootings etc.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JdW2J7VHMUI/WfooyowU17I/AAAAAAAAP8c/ROA7S6eyr_0_Gga3-n9sjLnZzmLksAX3wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2607.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1226" data-original-width="1600" height="244" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JdW2J7VHMUI/WfooyowU17I/AAAAAAAAP8c/ROA7S6eyr_0_Gga3-n9sjLnZzmLksAX3wCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2607.JPG" width="320" /></a>And lately it seems almost everyone in Hollywood is a sexual predator! WTF?! Names I never would have expected including a few of my favourite actors -- Kevin Spacey?! Dustin HOFFMAN?! What the? It's disillusioning to say the least. Who can you trust? As sickening as it is to hear these stories I guess the one positive thing to come out of all this is that at least victims of abuse are FINALLY speaking out and breaking the silence about sexual harassment/assault. Pandora's Box has been opened and it's all coming out. Long overdue. I even mention this in my song - "At least the casting couch is getting flack!" It was NEVER OK but somehow a lot of men (especially powerful ones -- celebrities etc) got away with it until now.<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lVz3lI1X8xE/WfopELp950I/AAAAAAAAP80/ZdzmeoEZOvU4OfvUDqJHRGWRyh8X3M7uQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2612.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lVz3lI1X8xE/WfopELp950I/AAAAAAAAP80/ZdzmeoEZOvU4OfvUDqJHRGWRyh8X3M7uQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2612.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
The fact that even the PRESIDENT is a sexual predator who bragged about molesting women is pretty disheartening. It sends a terrible message to society: "Well if it's OK for the leader of the Free World to do it..." Way to set an example! Standards should be high for a President but with 45 it seems they were abysmally low. Somehow he was voted in despite sexual assault allegations, defrauding thousands of students with a bogus university, being a con man only out for profit, a pathological liar caught in too many untruths to mention, a White Supremacist/racist/xenophobe etc. It's a miracle that he got elected and still hasn't been impeached. Hopefully Robert Mueller will take him to task for his obvious collusion with Russia at least. Many in the Trump administration have already been indicted. We have to hope they're just the appetizer and Trump is the main course! His impeachment (imprisonment?) or resignation can't be too far off. Although there are still a few die-hard (hopelessly clueless/delusional/racist or God knows what?) Trump supporters out there thankfully most of them are awake by now and see him for what he is. His approval rating is 33% -- the lowest of ANY president. EVER. I heard that a rogue Twitter employee deleted Trump's account for 11 minutes! An epic stunt! I wish I knew who it was. They are officially my new hero! I'd like to take them for a covfefe!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sRyGzeKfLwc/Wfoo96L9u3I/AAAAAAAAP8o/6a61zZdhzhwjgM8Yilr_efpXPJ6OyNtvACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2615.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1206" data-original-width="1600" height="241" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sRyGzeKfLwc/Wfoo96L9u3I/AAAAAAAAP8o/6a61zZdhzhwjgM8Yilr_efpXPJ6OyNtvACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2615.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
I was trying to do everything I could to relax. (Doctor's orders!) I had to find my happy place. You can focus on the ugliness of the world (the pain, anger and fear, the horrors in the news) or choose to focus on the beauty (peace, love, joy, Nature). When the world has gone to Hell, retreat to Paradise! Beauty soothes the soul. The Butterfly Conservatory was just what I needed. I managed to get a macro of this butterfly on a red hibiscus flower and it gives me life! The butterfly actually posed for me! Sometimes they don't open their wings on cue. Blue Morphos are notoriously difficult to photograph! This Red Lacewing was much more accommodating! Beauty is the best remedy for the ugliness in the world. It's not all gloom and doom. There are still flowers and butterflies! Even looking at this photo helps to slow down my breathing...<br />
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Michelle loves looking at the butterflies too. She's not quite as keen on posing for hundreds of photos but she knows that she has no choice!<br />
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I also managed to talk Michelle into wearing pigtails which she wasn't a fan of. My sales pitch:<br />
1) Nothing is more adorable than pigtails on a little girl.<br />
2) It makes you look like a butterfly (think antennae).<br />
3) Harley Quinn is cool and she had pigtails! (Michelle loved "Suicide Squad." She's been watching more grown up movies with me and loves them. I make sure it's nothing TOO SCARY/disturbing. It's a treat for me to watch grown up movies again after years of being relegated to kid's animated movies (not that I don't love them too!)<br />
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Michelle was getting discouraged at first that no butterflies were landing on her. "Mama! The butterflies don't like me!" And how could they not like a little girl with pigtails and a butterfly dress?!<br />
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I explained to Michelle that it's just the luck of the draw. Sometimes they land on you and sometimes they don't. It's not something you can force or control. Like love, it just happens, or it doesn't. Then this Monarch happened and Michelle was happy. I was happy too for the photo op! And she even gave me a smile!<br />
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Then I got greedy and attempted to get in on the shot as well. These selfies are a little awkward, as you can see...<br />
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I was wearing a butterfly shirt as well. Yes I can't seem to break the habit of dressing on theme. I love Michelle's pink butterfly dress and my shirt had one large Monarch butterfly print on it.<br />
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At least in this photo we're both smiling though you barely even see the butterfly on her finger. I should have had her hold it up in front of her.<br />
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My selfie game is not strong. With my Nikon (unlike with camera phones) you can't SEE what you're taking. You just hold the camera up in front of you and hope for the best. Sometimes it's over too far and I'm not even in the shot. And the photos are usually too close up and not terribly flattering.<br />
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I love this shot of Michelle laughing with a butterfly on her finger! Adorable! I love her smile! I envy photographers. It would be one of the best jobs in the world. To be paid just to take pictures. Heaven!<br />
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I have been an avid amateur photographer for decades. Capturing the moment is something that I'm passionate and obsessive about. It's not a habit I could break if I wanted to! Thankfully these days the hobby has become far more accepted socially. Everyone has their camera phones and EVERYONE is snapping photos so at least they don't look at me like I have three heads. (Although some likely do smirk at my old fashioned camera. As I mentioned in the Summer I can't take pictures with the old i-phone 4. I just use it for calls/texts now. No more Instagram for me until/unless I upgrade the phone (aka someone gives me a more modern old one! LOL)<br />
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You can't have it all, but I was going to go for the trifecta: to get a selfie with Michelle, a butterfly AND a waterfall! Well I did it but I guess it was far too much to ask that Michelle actually SMILE for the photo! Her weary expression says it all. She was losing patience with me.<br />
"Do you HAVE to take so many pictures, Mama?!"<br />
"YES."<br />
Sigh.<br />
"But if you give me a perfect smile in the first shot I can stop there." My logic was irrefutable. Still, it didn't happen. There was still no smile in the subsequent shots either. Hey, if Mama can force a smile even with all that she's dealing with lately, then you can smile too, kid!<br />
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The photos are all about the smiles! No matter what's going on in your life, someone points a camera and "CHEESE!" It's just what you do.<br />
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And then she gives me a beautiful, natural smile. With the waterfall. It's different when I'm behind the camera and not with her in front of it. Behind the camera I can make faces and make her laugh. This shot is gold.<br />
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I could have stayed there all day. Michelle started to run out of steam after a couple of hours of circling and circling the Butterfly Conservatory.<br />
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"Can we go to the gift shop Mama?"<br />
"Of course."<br />
I always wind up getting her a little something (usually an over-priced trinket/souvenir. I'm a softie for things like that. I remember being a kid and asking Mom for things and the answer was always "No." So I try to come from a place of "Yes.")<br />
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Our last time making the rounds around the Conservatory.<br />
"Can we get one more shot of us, honey?"<br />
Michelle, sighing "OK..."<br />
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I managed to set the timer and get a shot of us without strangers photo-bombing us (because somehow it's ALWAYS crowded no matter when you go. The worst is when there's a school field trip going around. Then you have to navigate through throngs of youths and worry about them hurting the butterflies.)<br />
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My brave girl. When one of the staff was holding a millipede and asked if Michelle wanted to touch it, surprisingly she said YES! I had the willies just watching it. All those friggin legs! Creepy AF! LOL I think it was a millipede (a million legs?! Not quite but I wasn't about to count!) as opposed to a centipede.<br />
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"You're brave, sweetheart," I said from a safe distance. When the woman asked if I wanted to touch the multi-legged thing sinister star of my nightmares I wanted to say "OH HELL NO! Are you NUTS?!" but opted for the more civil "Umm. No thanks. I'm good."<br />
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A passerby saw my horrified expression and laughed. Well we all have our phobias. Some people even have an irrational fear of puppets or pickles. In my defense, at least my phobias make sense: I'm afraid of incredibly creepy/ugly insects. Also needles/pain/blood. Totally rational. I have no issues with pretty insects obviously, which is why we were at the Butterfly Conservatory!<br />
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If there's one good thing about October, it's Halloween. Michelle and I were excited. Even though she had her costume and we had our candy and decorations she still liked going to the Halloween section of Walmart to see the inflatables, try on masks etc. It's fun for me too.<br />
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I always loved Halloween and now I get to enjoy it with Michelle it's even better.<br />
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She wanted to cozy up to this surprisngly friendly looking though enormous Grim Reaper so I said "Go ahead! As long as I can get a picture of you with him!" It's win-win. I love the little "Fright this way" sign. Part of me was almost tempted to get an inflatable for our place but I thought better of it. I'll just settle for snapping photos with other peoples' when we see them in our travels.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SyAOwBbvwi4/WfosAylw-HI/AAAAAAAAP_w/GTqk9EQRq2YO1dZt9O823WXL2_2nOhw9wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2787.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1115" data-original-width="1600" height="223" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SyAOwBbvwi4/WfosAylw-HI/AAAAAAAAP_w/GTqk9EQRq2YO1dZt9O823WXL2_2nOhw9wCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2787.JPG" width="320" /></a>Posing in silly masks. It just NEVER gets old. Yes I'm immature. When the world is such a mess you have to find a way to laugh. This helps!<br />
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Michelle opted for the creepy killer clown with a crazed look in his eye. I chose the Grumpy Cat instead. I actually should have purchased the Grumpy Cat mask and worn it in my daily life. Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal!<br />
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I was expecting Michelle to make a "hand turkey" (school kids always seem to make them) in her class for Thanksgiving but when they didn't I thought oh well, I'll get her to make one at home. There were instructions in her agenda. I traced her hand and she did the rest herself.<br />
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I told her to think about what she was most grateful for. I expected her to put family, friends, etc. At least she put Mama and hugs but then toys and TV made up the other two fingers/tail feathers! Oh well. At least she was honest. It was cute anyway. Michelle even knew to draw the little red floppy thing on the turkey's neck. (I wasn't sure what it was called. Apparently it's called a "wattle!" and the red protruding thing on their beaks is called a "snood.")<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i4dlWLJnPCA/WfouTlM_nuI/AAAAAAAAQA8/zskhmJyvynkaCeskl-H2eVHxmkv65M4wgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1187" data-original-width="902" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i4dlWLJnPCA/WfouTlM_nuI/AAAAAAAAQA8/zskhmJyvynkaCeskl-H2eVHxmkv65M4wgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2910.JPG" width="243" /></a>This sums up Michelle's approach to life: just dive in head first, laughing all the way. Of course it's easier when she knows I'm there to catch her. It was tricky while holding the camera but I couldn't miss this shot! I was afraid she'd go catapulting off the slide onto the wood chips but I always caught her.<br />
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Someone said that the best thing you can do for your child is to give them roots and wings: Roots so that they feel safe and grounded. They know they have a home to go to, someone to love and take are of them. Wings so that they feel free, independent and have the courage to go after their dreams. It can be tough to balance -- wanting to keep them safe, giving them room to grow and try -- especially when you're a control freak. I try to give Michelle both. I do tend to be on the cautious side but I try not to say no to things. I want my brave girl to have fun and not be limited/sheltered.<br />
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I was grateful for the beautiful weather we were having. Though it was supposed to be Fall it felt like Summer and I was happy to hold on to it for as long as possible. Being outside and getting some fresh air does wonders when you're stressed out. It's easier to breathe outside.<br />
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Watching Michelle play helped me to de-stress somewhat. I wished I could feel as carefree as she does. Even as a child I don't know that I was ever carefree. There was always something to worry about. I was shy. I wasn't very social. I was the victim of bullying. Somehow the bullies could sense my fear, my passivity and would attack. Maybe if I fought back they'd back off. But I didn't. I'm so glad that Michelle is confident, outgoing and social, makes friends easily. She will have a much easier time than I did.<br />
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Michelle has a new best friend at school and they are INSEPARABLE. They wanted to get together for a play date but there never seemed to be a good time with my schedule and all that I had going on.<br />
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Her friend apparently didn't believe that Michelle didn't have a dad.<br />
"You must have a daddy. EVERYONE has a daddy."<br />
Michelle explained that yes she had a daddy at some point but that he's not around. It is painful when she asks me but she's very matter-of-fact, accepting about it. Recently she asked what her dad's name was. Mike I tell her. "Like Uncle Mikey?" she asked.<br />
"Yes. Mike short for Michael." though he was nothing like my brother Mike who is a loving devoted father to his kids. I tell her the narrative that I've built around the situation (because the reality is that he left without a word so I don't have answers:) "Your dad had a lot of problems. He knew that we would be better off without him so he left before you were born." I want to believe that's why. That it was out of love for us that he let us go. Not that he was just a useless, chicken shit cruel coward who didn't want the responsibility of a relationship/family. I never did get my explanation/apology/goodbye so I guess I'll never know for sure...<br />
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Through counselors, reading, researching online etc, I learned a number of relaxation techniques. One of them that really resonated with me was a beach meditation. The beach is my happy place. Imagining myself there helped to calm me down. Since the weather was still warm I thought "Why just VISUALIZE a beach when I can actually GO THERE?!" So we went. It was not crowded by any means. Not too many people go to the beach in OCTOBER. But it was nice. It was just what I needed. Michelle was thrilled too. I told her she couldn't go in the water, aside from her feet. It was freezing of course. She had fun playing in the sand.<br />
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Michelle laughing and running on the sand, the sunlight on the waves -- this photo sums up why I love the beach. It's just bliss. The stress of the rest of the world, the rest of your life, melts away. You listen to the waves and the seagulls and the laughter and life is just good for a moment.<br />
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I always said that if I won the lottery I would want to live on a beach somewhere. I can imagine having a little beach house. Having the sand and the sea as my backyard. Lying in a hammock under the palm trees -- that's my dream! Of course with all the catastrophic tropical storms we've had this year, living in a tropical location probably isn't the best idea. Climate change is a reality that we can't ignore. There have been effects around the globe. We have to both adapt to it and work to correct the damage we've done to the planet. As I mentioned in my song "Destroying the planet and each other. Earth is one angry Mother! She's fighting back with a vengeance. We need to get some repentance!" Of course as individuals we can do our part to reduce our carbon footprint, recycle etc. But it is government and big business that need to take responsibility and implement changes that will protect our environment moving forward. The fact that an imbecile who said "Climate change is a hoax!" is the leader of the Free World, is NOT encouraging. Trump wanted to bring back COAL. I literally can't even. He slashed funding to the EPA. Trump is an old man who is clearly NOT worried about the planet. He's even been taunting Kim Jong Un with nuclear war. Trump only cares about HIMSELF. His own ego and lining his own pockets. He'll destroy the world if we let him. Again, hopefully Mueller will get him out of office, if not imprisoned for treason SOON!<br />
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Again, naturally, Michelle made a friend. She always does. This time her friend was from the other side of the globe: New Zealand! I thought it was so cool. I heard the girl's adorable accent and was curious where she was from. Then I talked to her Mom and learned that they were visiting here from New Zealand. I told her that the weather isn't normally this warm in October. She was grateful to have it. What a beautiful day. Michelle had a ball running with her friend, playing in the sand, blowing bubbles, feeding the seagulls. I had a ball taking pictures of them!<br />
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The seagulls were getting a little too close for comfort! I was surrounded. It was almost an Alfred Hitchcock movie.<br />
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I told Michelle to throw the popcorn/crackers a little further away so I wouldn't be swarmed. This shot was pretty cool though with a massive seagull and tiny Michelle in the background. It almost looks like they're HER wings and tail. (Give them roots and wings...)<br />
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Grateful for a beautiful day with my girl. The beach all to ourselves, almost. The song "Boys of Summer" came on the radio on the way home and I got a tear in my eye...<br />
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"Ain't nobody on the road. Ain't nobody on the beach.<br />
You feel it in the air. The Summer's out of reach.<br />
Empty lake, empty streets. The sun goes down alone.<br />
I'm driving by your house. Don't know you're not home.<br />
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I can see you. Your brown skin shining in the sun.<br />
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on baby. I can tell you my love for you will still be strong<br />
After the boys of summer have gone." Don Henley<br />
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Having a last taste of Summer (it still wouldn't be our last but I didn't know that at the time!) in the Fall was bittersweet.<br />
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Movies are another great escape from your own life/problems. There wasn't really anything I was dying to see but Michelle wanted to see the Lego Ninjago movie and it did look sort of cute/funny. I liked the commercial where the evil Nemesis calls his son La-Loyd -- mispronouncing Lloyd by stressing the two Ls. It was fun and hilarious, like the Lego Batman movie. They always throw in enough adult humour that grown-ups will enjoy it as well. And the monster Meow-thra, a giant cat, was ADORABLE! It was cleverly done and also even more entertaining to watch in 3D. I was glad that we went. The more happy stress-free moments I could enjoy, the more I could escape the weight of stress and anxiety that had been so overwhelming to me.<br />
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After a lot of crying, some distractions and relaxation exercises, gradually I did start to feel better. The stress doesn't go away but I become more resilient/able to manage it. And I mostly just try to take things one day at a time.<br />
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Talking to my sister always helps me to calm down as well. She is my lifeline when I'm in crisis. She really should have been a counsellor or something. She's the best listener and always knows what to say to calm me down/put things in perspective/make me laugh.<br />
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One day on the phone with her she told me that she was going to host Thanksgiving this year on Monday. They were celebrating with Shane's family on the weekend. I was so glad to have something to look forward to. I wasn't sure if we were going to get together for Thanksgiving this year. I wasn't going to do anything. I certainly wasn't up to making turkey and everything. So we wouldn't have done anything special. I was grateful to May for inviting us over. When the world has gone to Hell, spending time with those you love is more important than ever. Michelle was excited to be going to Auntie May's too. It's her favourite place in the world. We both dressed up for the occasion. The weather was still beautiful. Michelle always loves to dress up.<br />
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We got a group photo outside. The ghosting in the picture is just because of the sunlight refracting off the scratches on the lens. I probably should look into getting another camera especially given what a photoholic I am but I'm also a creature of habit and not a fan of change so I'm still holding on to my old scratched up Nikon. I had a close call in the Summer when it fell on the cement and I thought it was a goner but she's still alive and kicking!<br />
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Shannon got a picture of Michelle and I outside. She was squinting at the sunlight in some of the shots but this one turned out pretty well.<br />
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I am so thankful for my family and especially for my girl. When I'm having a rough time and everything seems bleak I have to remember that love is the most important thing. I am so grateful to have the sweetest little girl in the world (even though she drives me crazy sometimes!) and so happy to have a close, loving family. I have to focus on the good things. Focusing on the negative (and there has been A LOT of negative in the world, especially recently) just makes you feel hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed. You can't control the world around you. I have to work on ways to stay calm even when within stressful situations (bad traffic/a tough shift at work etc.) And I can't dwell on things when I'm out of the situation.<br />
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There was a Thanksgiving filter snap thing on Shannon's camera so we took advantage and wore a crown of Fall leaves.<br />
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I love how these filters always give you big doe eyes as well. Shannon's eyes look amazing here but she always looks like a living doll. Shannon should be a model!<br />
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We also couldn't resist trying on reindeer and cat ears as well, which are always cute.<br />
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Yes a visit to May's is good for the soul. The turkey dinner was delicious too. It was all just what the doctor ordered! Cure for a nervous breakdown: spending time with family. They are my Happy Place!<br />
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Michelle has gotten much more detailed with her drawings. Sometimes when doing animals she sketches their fur with light strokes. I was amazed. I never taught her to do that. She just did it on her own. She was drawing her stuffed lamb and I guess looking at it she thought she had to find a way to draw the fur. I love this picture. I love that the head is MASSIVE and then it has these tiny almost non-existent legs! Her drawings always make me smile.<br />
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She also drew some monsters and pumpkins. I love that she gave the monsters names -- Karen, Olivia and "Bill" (who looks a lot like Frankenstein's monster but is just plain old Bill!) She also drew a design for the pumpkins we were going to carve. The triangles from the eyes of one would be the ears for the cat pumpkin. "Great planning baby!" I said. We wouldn't end up carving the pumpkins but I'll get to that later...<br />
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My doctor wanted a follow-up appointment with me to make sure I was in a better state than the last time she saw me (I was MUCH better!) I also hadn't had a chance to take Michelle for her 5 year check up so on a PA day we both went to get checked out. Michelle got a clean bill of health and was such a brave girl she got two needles and didn't cry or faint. She didn't even say "Ow!" I told her she is far more brave than I am. I told her I would reward her for a good checkup by going for ice cream at the mall afterward. I had dropped Mom off shopping and we were going to meet with her afterwards.<br />
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Chocolate ice cream at the mall. Chocolate is a cure for anything! While we were sitting there a cute little baby wandered up to us and his cute dad close behind.<br />
"He probably wants our ice cream!" I suggested.<br />
The father smiled. For a second I thought maybe he was a single dad. Nope. His wife joined him with the stroller.<br />
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Sigh. No. It's never a single dad. I'm sure single dads must exist. I just never see them. Anywhere we go. It's all couples. Just couples. And me. But who needs a relationship anyway when you have chocolate? Chocolate actually produces the same endorphins in your brain as falling in love. With none of the heartache!<br />
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Going to Springridge farm with Auntie May is an annual tradition and we were looking forward to it. I love the photo ops -- kids posing with pumpkins and animals etc. Michelle picked out this pumpkin dress herself. At first I thought it was a bit garish but then decided it was pretty cute and she loved it. It was perfect for a Fall Festival. I wore a pumpkin shirt too (because again, I can't resist dressing on theme!) One of the women working at the fair admired our pumpkin attire and thought it was really cool. I'm not a fan of Fall but I can get into Halloween.<br />
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Most of the shots in the Haunted House or "Boo Barn" (careful how you say that!) don't turn out quite right. If you use the flash then it's too bright/flashed out and you miss out on the lights and neon colours. If you don't use the flash it's too dark and the shot comes out blurry. Somehow I lucked out with this one and Michelle's orange dress glows with with the orange wall.<br />
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And then we got a shot of all of us outside of the Haunted Barn. I set the camera on a table. A guy was laughing as I set it down, counted to 10 and ran. I wanted to say "Hey, I'm old school. Don't judge me!" Sometimes someone will offer to take our picture but if I find a flat surface to set the camera on I'd rather do it that way. (I had a stranger offer to take my picture with my boyfriend at the time many years ago in Montreal and he proceeded to DROP and SMASH the camera! So I was pretty wary of strangers taking pictures after that. I don't think he meant to do it but still. My poor Canon. That was my first semi-decent camera.)<br />
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The awkward selfie on the hay ride. Had to be done!<br />
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I LOVE Michelle's smile here! She looks so happy. I on the other hand look like a total moron. May isn't in it but she said that's OK she didn't want to be in it anyway. I see people taking selfies all the time but it's different with phone cameras where you can actually SEE what you're taking and squeeze in accordingly. It's a crap shoot with my Nikon.<br />
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Another shot of Michelle laughing on the hay ride toward the corn maze.<br />
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We were grateful it was a beautiful warm day. We didn't need our jackets. It was an overcast day and we were afraid it might rain but we got lucky for a couple of hours as we explored the farm.<br />
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And I couldn't resist another shot of Michelle laughing. Reggie and Shannon are smiling here too which is a bonus.<br />
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My motto is you really CAN'T take too many photos! Life is too fleeting. Photos are our only way of holding on. I especially like to hold on to the happy memories because they help me to get through the bad days.<br />
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Children of the Corn!<br />
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We always take the hay ride to the corn maze. The maze itself takes about 10 minutes to get through. It's fun. Unfortunately this time it was a little tricky to get through since the ground was wet and muddy from the rain so we had to be careful we didn't slip and fall! I warned Michelle not to run because we were slipping and sliding even trying to walk through the maze. Normally Michelle and Reggie would be running through.<br />
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I've often wondered what would happen if someone was too slow leaving the maze would the hay ride leave without them? Would they be stranded there? (Actually the driver usually asks if there was anyone still left in the maze before driving off but I don't think they actually do a head count.)<br />
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And then we headed back for more adventures. The sky was looking very dark but we hoped the rain would hold off long enough for the kids to play in the hay etc.<br />
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If worse came to worst we could always take refuge in the shop (which is what ended up happening later.) They have a cool store with a lot of cute books, toys, treats, knick knacks etc. We had some lunch before leaving. Unfortunately we had to walk in the TEEMING rain to get to the car and I'd left my jacket in the car.<br />
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Michelle smiling and waving on a pony = PHOTO GOLD! I was so happy!<br />
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I'm always surprised that Reggie has no interest in a pony ride. I mean HOW do you say no to a pony?! I would go on a pony ride if they'd let me! LOL Michelle is always excited to have a pony ride and I'm even more excited to get photos of the experience! I think maybe Reggie is a little more wary of animals. He's not a big fan of dogs either. Michelle loves all animals and is pretty fearless.<br />
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I'm always happy when there's a flat surface nearby where I can set the camera so we can get a group photo. My sister isn't a fan of having her photo taken but I don't give her a choice!<br />
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I love getting together with May and the gang. It's always so much fun. Michelle always has a ball too. My Mom doesn't join us because although she might like shopping in the gift shop she'd pretty much dislike every other aspect of the experience -- walking outside in the mud etc, standing around watching the kids playing in the hay etc. She's not really big on the outdoors.<br />
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Group photo with the huge bear statue. Because how could you not?!<br />
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It took a while to get this because there was a little kid hanging around the bear who didn't seem to get the hint with me setting up a camera and all of us congregating around the bear and was even a little slow when I flat out asked them if they could please move so we could get a photo without them in it? I don't know where their parents were.<br />
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In fairness, if I was a kid I probably wouldn't want to leave the giant bear either.<br />
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It was raining but I was determined to get one last group shot before we left. Michelle got spoiled with a couple of stuffies and books from the gift shop. I can never resist getting something for her. Then we had lunch. May and I had the delicious "Farmer's Egg Salad" sandwich. May was pleasantly surprised it was on whole grain bread so she could have one too. (She's on a strict diet where she can't have white bread.) She's losing weight and feeling better. I'm so proud of her. It takes a LOT of discipline to give up the junk foods you love. I've been counting calories for years but my diet is still less than ideal. I try to balance exercise with calories but I should definitely make healthier choices too. I'm more careful with Michelle's diet than my own (I always make sure she has fruits and vegetables. Myself not so much.)<br />
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Another annual tradition with Auntie May is to follow our Fall Springridge farm trip with a Halloween dress rehearsal back at Auntie May's place. So we brought Michelle's beautiful purple vampire dress and cute little bat head band. Michelle loves putting the dress on. If she had her way she'd wear it every day! I told her she doesn't want it to get wrecked before Halloween. I showed her how to pick up the sides and walk like a princess so it doesn't drag on the ground.<br />
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Michelle also brought her new bat and spider stuffies from the farm. They were so cute. How could I say no?! I love Halloween as much as Michelle does. Everything about it.<br />
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Shannon is an artist and she always does an amazing job on her makeup! She was a skeleton girl with the bottom half of her face as a skeleton. I loved the leggings that she had too. They were so cool! May said she'd go back to the store and get me a pair. I would wear them even when it's not Halloween!<br />
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Reggie was a skeleton guy too. I can't remember if it was a specific character from a show or game or something or just a generic skeleton guy. But you really can't go wrong with a skeleton! Michelle explained to me one day while we were driving that skeletons aren't scary because we all have one underneath our skin! A bit of a morbid thought but a clever realization for a 5 year old so I said "Yes! You're right." She also said that she wasn't afraid to die because she'll get to go to Heaven. I told her that won't be until she's very very old. I really try not to contemplate mortality -- not mine or anyone I love! Michelle speaks very nonchalantly about death but then she's never had to deal with it. Aside from the frog on our driveway but she didn't know him.<br />
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I wasn't in costume but I didn't really plan on anything elaborate for myself this year. A couple of years ago I got Michelle and I matching vampire outfits but it was a little expensive and I didn't plan on doing that every year. Last year I got an outfit for her and just wore black myself for the matching Dia de los Muertos outfits. I have a lot of black clothes so it's never difficult to be a zombie/vampire/etc. I was a goth in my 20s so it comes pretty naturally to me!<br />
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I love this shot of Michelle and I laughing while Shannon and Reggie look menacing (Shannon was trying to stay in character. And you can't really see what Reggie is doing underneath the mask!)<br />
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I didn't do Michelle's full makeup. I just put a touch of eye shadow on her. She likes wearing makeup but at the same time she complains about her eyes getting itchy and isn't a fan of washing it off afterward so I thought we better not get too carried away when it's not even Halloween yet.<br />
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My little Diva posing for the camera. She loves showing off her teeth. My little vampire doesn't even need false vampire teeth. Her canines are naturally sharp. She was telling people that she was a vampire (even when we were months away from Halloween) and I told her that not everyone is a fan of vampires and she might scare someone (especially little kids) who might take her literally.<br />
"But Mama I'm a NICE vampire. I don't drink blood."<br />
I told her that there really are no such things as vampires except vampire bats.<br />
"And they drink blood?"<br />
"Yes. But mostly just from animals."<br />
"For REAL LIFE?!"<br />
"Yes!"<br />
"Cool."<br />
Michelle uses the term "for real life" when it's not just pretend/a joke/a TV show etc.<br />
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An adorable selfie Shannon took of she and Michelle as cats. I can't get enough of those cute animal filters. I could play with it all day. I don't have the app on my i-phone and actually can't even use it as a camera anymore since it's obsolete and I've been afraid to try taking photos ever since the day I got the white screen of death and was afraid I couldn't use it at all so now I don't take any chances. I just use it as a phone and send the occasional text. It was kind of neat taking pictures and going on Instagram but I've gotten used to not using it now and I still love my old Nikon camera which is still (knock on wood!) alive and kicking despite a cracked lens, being dropped on cement etc!<br />
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We'd already been to a farm with Auntie May but Michelle's class was going on a trip to a farm as well and I got to be a volunteer and even ride on the bus with them! That was fun! I hadn't been on a school bus in YEARS! I never really liked it when I was in school but it was fun sitting with Michelle. She was so excited to have me with her and kept hugging me.<br />
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And of course I even got a selfie of us on the bus. She was so excited to have Mama with her for the day. There weren't as many volunteers this time so I was responsible for a group of kids instead of just 2. That was a little more stressful but I was hoping for the best.<br />
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Another farm, another hay ride! This time to the "Enchanted forest" then on to the pumpkin patch, cornfield etc.<br />
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Michelle looks so happy and so excited here! I love it. I wanted to tell her to tone it down a little so the other kids wouldn't be jealous/upset that they didn't have their Moms with them. I was glad it was on one of my days off so I was able to go with her. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love going on adventures with Michelle and taking photos that I can keep forever. We were blessed with another beautiful October day and didn't need our jackets.<br />
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The farmer tour guide told the kids that we were going to hunt for popcorn. They were given instructions to pick and peel dried corn. Then we were told to hang it up to dry and by New Year's Day it would be ready for popping. I am probably not going to hang it up but I'll keep it around until New Year's and then maybe pop it although there is never a shortage of popcorn at our house. Usually Redenbacher's Smart Pop in the pop up bowls! Michelle and I love popcorn. I even melt some butter to put on it when we have a movie night together. Michelle wanted to watch scary movies and got through several PG-13 films with me -- Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Gremlins, Arachnophobia, etc. Her father was a horror movie aficionado and I always loved them too. I hadn't watched one in so long that now I was glad to be able to watch them again with her. I told her if it got too scary we'd turn it off but she was fine with all of them. She's a little goth in the making.<br />
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A selfie with Mama outside of the hay castle. Michelle was having a great time. I was somewhat stressed trying to keep track of the kids, one of whom shall remain nameless but kept wandering off, wouldn't listen and I could barely understand a word they said... And then something even more stressful happened in the apple orchard. Michelle got stung by a bee! On the palm of her hand. Before I knew what was happening she screamed and started crying. "I got stung!" She said she clasped her hands together not realizing a bee (or hornet -- I didn't see it so I don't know) was there and it stung her. I was afraid she might be allergic like my Mom but she was OK. She calmed down faster than I did. I was upset. I'm a control freak. I want to protect her from getting hurt. But sh$# happens and I can't control everything. One of her male friends got stung later too. A farmer explained that the insects are more aggressive now with this strange weather. It's not usually this hot in October. Like Summer the sequel.<br />
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Michelle bounced back pretty quickly. She had her bandage on and bravely recounted her tale to her friends and classmates. Then she ran around laughing and playing like nothing had happened. I was still a bit shaken up. Mad at myself for not having prevented it. As if I should have been staring at her every moment just in case anything landed on her.<br />
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She had fun running around the hay obstacle course.<br />
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I set the camera on a hay bale and got a shot of us. I like how Michelle is clasping her hands here protectively. She was happy to tell people her dramatic tale of the bee sting. I told her that she'd have to tell Reggie about it. He had been stung a couple of times and is now TERRIFIED of bees/wasps etc. I told her that bees normally just sting as a last resort when threatened because when they sting, they die. Hornets and wasps on the other hand can sting you and go on living so they're much more often to sting. I tend to just leave things "bee" rather than swat at them so I don't anger them. I only got stung once and it was while I was pregnant with Michelle and trying to pull weeds in the yard. I remember being so afraid that the poison would affect her somehow. I was a bit neurotic. We were both fine. I told Michelle "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."<br />
"So I'm stronger now Mama?"<br />
"Yes baby. And you were already pretty strong."<br />
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She had been so brave when she got her needles at the doctor. She didn't cry. Didn't even say "Ow." But that was different. She was prepared for the needles. The sting came as a shock. I'll never forget her sudden scream and cry. It was awful. I never want to hear that again. I can't protect her from everything of course. But I want to try! It makes me angry that I couldn't protect her from that friggin hornet or whatever it was.<br />
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Elsa in the cornfield. Maybe not her most flattering likeness but you could still tell it was her. Sort of. Of course I had to get a photo in front of each character. I wanted to just photos of Michelle but then the other kids wanted to get in it too.<br />
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It was tricky to stop for each character to snap pictures and still try to keep up with the rest of the class walking through the maze.<br />
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Michelle and Shrek. His head was a little narrow but you could still tell it was him. One of the kids thought it was Frankenstein's monster. Michelle loves the Shrek movies (we have all of them) so she's a Shrek-spert (Shrek expert? Sorry couldn't resist a bad pun.)<br />
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There was one character with a beard that no one seemed able to identify. Someone suggested it was Jesus but that didn't really seem to fit the animated movie character theme (unless there is an animated film with a Jesus. There's an animated Christmas movie coming out this year called "The Star" which looks really cute but that's baby Jesus not adult bearded Jesus...)<br />
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And then how can you resist a photo with a Minion? You can't. Or rather I can't. Even though the kids were sort of blocking him.<br />
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We were lagging behind the rest of the class and had to hurry before we lost them. Too bad. I can not just blithely pass by a photo op! If anyone said anything to me I would have protested that one of the main reasons I offer to volunteer is so that I can be there to take photos so PLEASE LET ME HAVE THIS! But no one complained. Not directly to my face anyway...<br />
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Most of the kids were having a great time. Some not <quite> as much. But you can't let a Debbie Downer or Gloomy Gus ruin a good day for everyone else. Again, certain kids who SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS were somewhat difficult but I tried to smile and be polite even when they ran off or lagged behind/wouldn't listen/couldn't communicate etc. Some are higher maintenance than others. I had a new respect for what teachers go through trying to round up 30 students. I could barely handle a handful.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qpINam7v6U8/Wftge3ug1PI/AAAAAAAAQM4/8kDfsHnzft4A9RIt1Rv--Tgo-bCMEPYxwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN3289.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qpINam7v6U8/Wftge3ug1PI/AAAAAAAAQM4/8kDfsHnzft4A9RIt1Rv--Tgo-bCMEPYxwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN3289.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle was wounded and she still managed to bounce back and have fun. I'm glad that Michelle is a happy, enthusiastic, outgoing girl. She had a BALL running around the corn pit. Which was basically a huge vat of dried corn which kids could play in like sand or snow. Michelle even made "corn angels" (is that a thing?!) I warned her to be careful of her hand. She wound up losing her band-aid in the corn but her sting looked like it was healing anyway.<br />
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I love Michelle's artwork. One day she decided to draw Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I love how she drew them!<br />
So adorable! I like when she does hands a circle for the hand and then sausage fingers rather than the pitchfork type arms and hands that she still sometimes reverts to. In fairness I can't really criticize since even as an artist myself I always HATED doing hands! I usually just try to avoid it by doing facial portraits or just doing down to the arms without hands. I'm not a fan of ears either so the hair is usually conveniently covering them too!<br />
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Michelle loves to draw and will put a lot of effort into her pictures when it's HER idea however if you ask her to draw something she usually just gives it a quick half-a$$ed effort. I told her that her teachers will never see her full potential if she just throws things together to get by. I told her to always try to do her best even if it's something she doesn't necessarily want to do.<br />
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There was another nice day (in the 20s Celsius) and I thought screw it, let's go to the beach ONE LAST TIME! This time we really were the only ones there. It was a little windier and cooler by the water. There were a couple of people walking but no one actually sitting on the beach but us. It was also late in the day (I picked up Michelle after school and we went.) It was nice anyway to have a last farewell to our favourite beach. Michelle had fun chasing seagulls. I liked just relaxing on the sand and pretending it was still Summer. My happy place...<br />
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It got a little chillier so Michelle put a sweater on. She didn't want to leave. She had fun feeding the seagulls (without having to worry about anyone complaining about them flying around.) She also collected some stones and seashells. Having a second Summer in the middle of October was a gift and I was going to enjoy it.<br />
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It was pretty cool having the beach all to ourselves. I remembered in the middle of Summer when it was hard to find a spot on the sand amidst the sea of people, fighting for a spot in the parking lot (and paying $20 to park there!) Now here we were with a whole beach of our own. That was always my dream -- to have a beach in my backyard. Maybe one day...<br />
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I was getting cold and anxious to leave but Michelle wanted to stay to walk around and go in the little shops. I said that they may not even be open. And sure enough most of them had closed for the season. Even the public bathrooms were closed. At least the restaurants were open. We had to go in a restaurant to use the washroom.<br />
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Michelle asked if we could eat at the restaurant. We don't go out to eat very often and I thought why not? I could go for some fish and chips as a final farewell dinner at the beach! Now that Michelle is older and much more well-behaved I don't have to worry about her carrying on/embarrassing me.<br />
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I ordered fish and chips (which was delicious!) and Michelle got a hot dog and fries. It was nice to share a farewell to Summer (the Sequel!) dinner with my girl.<br />
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Michelle's school had a day to support Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. Kids were to dress in red, blue or white. I dressed Michelle in all three. Kids also brought donations for hurricane relief. September 2017 was possibly the strongest hurricane month EVER breaking several records. The number of storms -- Harvey, Irma, Jose, Katia & Maria -- and the power of storms -- Two category 5 storms with wind speeds over 157 miles an hour -- was devestating. The entire island of Dominica was wiped out. It's impossible to ignore the fact that hurricane activity has increased because of climate change. As individuals it doesn't feel as though there is much we can do. We can try to reduce our carbon footprint (reduce, reuse, recycle.) We can support disaster relief efforts but it is up to industry and government to make changes to protect our planet. Unfortunately the free world is being run by someone who couldn't care less about the environment. (But I don't want to go off on a tirade about Trump yet again!)<br />
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Although I'm not a fan of Fall I have to admit that the changing leaves are beautiful. The tiger eye sumac in my Mom's yard had turned gorgeous fiery shades of yellow, orange and red. So Michelle and I posed with it. It isn't long before the leaves fall and then the trees are just bleak and barren. Fall and Winter always fall hard for me. I find the cold, grey days without sunlight very heavy. Many suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and feel this heaviness/depression in the Fall and Winter. This year at least I have the SAD light my sister gave me. As well as relaxation techniques for dealing with stress.<br />
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We stopped by for a brief visit with Auntie May and I managed to get a selfie of all of us.<br />
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May is the best sister and friend! She got me a pair of the zombie leggings like Shannon's and thought I might want them for Halloween (I did end up wearing them.) Michelle was thrilled to have a visit with Reggie even though we couldn't stay long (I had to go in to work night shift.) I was happy to have a little visit as well. May always makes me laugh. And lately I need that more than ever.<br />
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Michelle was getting excited for Halloween. She wanted to help me decorate so I dug out the decorations and she helped me to put them up.<br />
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I always put up cobwebs (even though they're kind of a nuisance and tend to stick where you don't want them rather than where you do.) We also had some decorations that Michelle made -- cut outs of ghosts, skeletons, vampires etc with stickers. For some reason she was hugging this spider. She wasn't scared of Arachnophobia and actually seemed to like spiders even more -- asking for a stuffed one, playing with this decorative one and wearing a spider ring.<br />
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I got Michelle to pose by the door after we were done decorating. The door was a little busy/crowded but she wanted to use all the decorations. She supervised where to put them when it was too high for her to reach. I always think the spiderwebs look cool even though they are a real pain to put up. I used duct tape to hold it up.<br />
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I had some hanging ghouls and of course our pumpkins. I was relieved that Michelle didn't want to carve them (so I was off the hook!) She just drew the faces on. A neighbour had carved their pumpkins too early and they were rotting so Michelle decided she didn't want us to carve ours so they wouldn't rot. I usually put a dummy/scarecrow skeleton guy sitting on the porch as well (just a coat stuffed with pillows and a plastic skull head) but I wait until Halloween day for that.<br />
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We were in a Halloween mood so we decided to check out another store we hadn't been to before -- Halloween Alley. It was pretty cool too though not quite as elaborate as Spirit Halloween. I couldn't resist getting a couple of pictures there at least. Michelle talked me into getting her a little witch's cauldron so she could make spells (hopefully no black magic!) She wanted me to get her a purple hat to go with it but I explained it was a pimp hat not a witch's hat.<br />
"What's a pimp?"<br />
Then I was sorry I brought it up. But we did find her a witch's hat. But she's still being a vampire for Halloween. She just likes to play dress up/role play all the time.<br />
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I LOVE LOVE LOVE Michelle's artwork! Now that she can write as well she likes making little storybooks. She has done several of them. This one was about a little vampire (presumably Michelle!) looking at a pumpkin.<br />
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Michelle tends to draw herself with yellow hair most of the time now. She says that her hair is "gold" (which is as accurate a description as any!) She objects to the term "redhead" since your hair isn't actually red. Some people call it strawberry blonde. I explained to her that it's just an easy way for people to differentiate between blondes, brunettes and redheads. Besides auburn hair is the most rare (only 2% of the population!) so she should be proud of her uniqueness. I'm a redhead too though over the years my hair has gotten more brown and less red. I was platinum blonde when I was born!<br />
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I love this cat! She did this entirely on her own with no instruction from me, just looking at one of her stuffed cats. I was amazed that she thought to sketch the fur that way to make the cat look fluffy. I've never taught her to do that. She's seen my drawings and paintings (I love to draw and paint but haven't really done any artwork in quite a while.)<br />
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I love that the cat is big and fluffy but then has these scrawny legs scrawled in as an after thought. Sometimes when I see her pictures I have to restrain myself from laughing out loud (because she's sensitive and it hurts her feelings.) They are adorable but usually funny too. I am glad that she is creative and imaginative. It runs in the family. I've always loved art and her cousin Shannon does too.<br />
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Another day, another trip to Walmart's Halloween section! Michelle wanted me to buy this huge bunny mascot head and I'm sort of kicking myself that I didn't! I mean even when it's not Halloween there are so many other uses! Cheering yourself up when you're feeling blue, playing the Easter bunny in the Spring etc. Oh well. I felt that I was spending enough on Halloween already with the candy and the costumes. Looking back though this head was so funny I should have gotten it. I'm not even sure how much it was. Michelle put it in the cart and I said no we don't need a bunny head and took it back out. But in these trying times, I really DO need a bunny head! If there's anything that can make you laugh or smile on a bad day it is TOTALLY worth it!<br />
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And then she wanted to sit with Ronald McDonald. Michelle is not afraid of clowns. Then again she hasn't seen "It" (nor will she, until she's 18 years old!)<br />
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"Can I put on my vampire outfit Mama?"<br />
"No honey wait for Halloween."<br />
"PLEASE!"<br />
"Michelle you're going to wreck it and then you won't even have it to wear on Halloween."<br />
"PLEASE MAMA! I promise I'll be careful!"<br />
And so she wore me down and I let her gallivant around in her long Vampire Princess gown. She wanted to put on purple lipstick too.<br />
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Michelle really should have been a Princess. She LOVES being in a long gown and parading around admiring herself in the mirror(s.)<br />
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I managed to compose myself long enough to tell Michelle that I loved her drawing of us as "blue jays" and then I laughed my head off once she was out of earshot. It's just too cute for words. She's the blonde baby blue jay and I'm the Mama with the ponytail. Why she thought that birds would have hair I'm not sure but it's awesome! I love the randomness, the whimsical, charming innocence of children's artwork. It's very hard to replicate as an adult. Sometimes Michelle expresses disappointment in herself "I can't draw as good as you can Mama." and I tell her that I love her pictures even better than mine. She is so imaginative. I love how she sees the world as this sweet, beautiful, magical place. I wish I could see it that way more often. Unfortunately I often see the bitter, ugly and disillusioning reality of the world we live in now. 2017 has been a rough year both on a personal level and in the world. But we have to focus on the good no matter what. There is always a bright side if you look for it.<br />
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You can't tell because she's blocking her dress with a skull but Michelle and I were both wearing black cats. She wanted to go to the indoor playground and it was almost Halloween so I dressed us both in black cat tops because I'm a complete nerd. And why not? I love black cats. Even when it's not Halloween.<br />
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At the indoor playground I sit and wait while Michelle runs amok and plays. This time I sat on a bench and had an attractive guy sit next to me. He had a couple of kids who ran back and forth to him. Just from his brief interactions with them I could tell that he was a sweet guy and a good dad. We exchanged pleasantries and chuckled together about the kids. For a second I got my hopes up. Maybe he's a single dad. I didn't see a ring on his finger...<br />
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Unfortunately then I heard him tell the kids they were meeting Mom after. Sigh. Of course there's a Mom. There's always a Mom. Everyone is coupled off two by two like Noah's Ark. Then there's me. As if a cute, nice guy could ACTUALLY be a single dad and sitting next to me! I don't have that kind of luck. I mean I'm sure single dads exist. Somewhere. They're just never where I am. I am not going out of my way to meet anyone (I'm against online dating after meeting Plenty of Sharks in my former life). I'm not a social person so my opportunities are limited. So I'm not looking for it. It has to find me. And clearly romance is NOT looking for me. Unless someone just falls into my lap, it's not happening!<br />
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Meanwhile Michelle is a social butterfly and makes friends literally EVERYWHERE WE GO! I am glad she is so confident and outgoing unlike her awkward and shy Mama. Life is a lot easier when you're a social person.<br />
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Of course I couldn't resist posing with Michelle and the elephant family once the place started to clear out and wasn't too crowded with photo-bombers. Yes I'm a nerd. I always have to get a souvenir shot.<br />
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I almost got a sneaky shot of the cute dad (you know when you take a picture of your kid and just conveniently get a handsome dude in the shot as background) but wasn't able to do so inconspicuously. And then I found out he was married anyway. Sigh. I still sort of believe in destiny. If my Mr. Right is out there somewhere he's bound to bump into me somewhere right?<br />
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We were totally stoked for Halloween and wanted to go to a Haunted House but there weren't any open nearby that I could find when I checked online anyway. Canada's Wonderland does a Halloween thing but we didn't even go there in the Summer for rides so I wasn't going to make that long trip now for a Haunted House that would likely be too terrifying for Michelle anyway!<br />
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We settled for another trip to Spirit Halloween only this time instead of Michelle avoiding the big creepy animatronics etc she got up-close and personal with them. This MASSIVE rubber Grim Reaper was a bit unnerving but we just had to pose with him. Michelle even held his hand.<br />
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Michelle had always avoided the back section of the store saying it was too creepy but now that we went she realized that it wasn't scary at all -- it was actually pretty cool. It was an alien exhibit and they were really neat! We got some selfies with them and a kind stranger even offered to take our picture so we got some decent shots. This one was really cool. I think they were like $300-400. I can't imagine anyone actually getting anything THAT extravagant for their home but you never know. Hey if you were a millionaire and you really loved Halloween? Why not?!<br />
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This green alien in a capsule was my personal favourite. It looked so real!<br />
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Then there was the obligatory alien autopsy. The fog machine/dry ice effect was a nice touch! We tried to time it so that the alien was sitting up off the table and the fog was going but you can't really see the fog.<br />
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Michelle wasn't scared at all and realized that sometimes if you give things a chance it's not as bad as you expect. Now that she'd been in the alien section she didn't want to leave! She kept stepping on the button to make the alien sit up again and again!<br />
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"OK," I said "they are really cool but we can't stay here ALL DAY!"<br />
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We went to look around the rest of the store and then she wanted to go back to the aliens again.<br />
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We found a Grumpy Cat mask and again, like the bunny mascot, I really should have gotten it just for entertainment value -- even when it's NOT Halloween! I love Grumpy Cat. He is my spirit animal! Michelle also picked up a chainsaw and was wielding it in a maniacal manner which is strange for a 5 year old but then again her parents were both goths/horror movie lovers so she comes by it honestly. I will NOT be letting her watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre any time soon though! Not until she's 18!<br />
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Michelle, the Witch and her pumpkins. I love her cute pumpkin faces and I was happy that I didn't have to carve them! I've never really been a fan of carving pumpkins. It's messy and time-consuming. I like when they're done but I really don't like doing it. Michelle thinks it's gross so she usually doesn't help much either. I hope this drawing and painting pumpkins rather than carving them because a new annual tradition!<br />
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Posing with the pumpkins and Ali! Michelle had fun playing with her witch's hat, cauldron and magic wand and collecting things to put in the pot for her "spell." I was worried she had changed her mind and wanted to be a witch for Halloween but not a chance. She was psyched to wear her Vampire Princess dress. We also picked up a Sponge Bob outfit that she would wear to her class Halloween party. I didn't want her wearing the gown to school because I had visions of her dragging it on the pavement at recess and destroying it!<br />
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We had already been to the farm with Michelle's class but they had a Fall fair/festival on weekends with train rides etc so I thought it would be fun for Michelle and I to make a trip on our own. She has fun with the activities and I just love the photo ops. As soon as we arrived I had Michelle pose with a group of pumpkins. There were many photo ops I didn't get to take advantage of on the field trip because we had to keep up with the rest of the class and couldn't lag behind for pictures.<br />
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Michelle and me on the little train ride. It's so cute. She didn't look quite as enthused as me. Sorry baby, if there's a photo op, I'm ON IT!<br />
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The train meandered around the farm past some of the activities. When Michelle heard there was a Haunted House she was very excited. That's what she wanted to do next. I told her don't worry we will make sure to see everything while we're there -- all the things we didn't get to do with the class. I bought a package of tickets and hoped that they would last us for the day. They didn't -- I wound up having to go back and buy a few more when Michelle wanted to do other things and we ran out.<br />
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Now that's the big smile I was looking for! It was a little chilly that day but after all this was October. It had been like an extended Summer up until recently. Now it was actually Fall. At least it wasn't raining or anything. After we got off the train we tried to find the Haunted House. We wound up at a barn full of chickens. The signs said that it had moved so we kept walking and eventually found our destination.<br />
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"Would you like little scares, medium scares or big scares?" the ticket taker asked us. I said we better opt for the little scares. I didn't want Michelle to be traumatized. We walked through a dark creepy haunted house with sounds and props and vaguely creepy zombie like teens jumping out at us and laughing maniacally. It was cute. I enjoyed it. Even I jumped at one point when a face jumped at us from a window. I tried to snap a couple of selfies but it was awkward in the dark and they didn't turn out to well. Afterwards I got a picture of Michelle with the mural which I thought was pretty cool and I was proud of her for posing and making a scared face!<br />
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I snapped a selfie with the mural as well and trooper that she is Michelle made her open mouthed scream face for my benefit.<br />
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Michelle loved it and wanted to go through again. I told her we'd see. We did go through again. I decided it was worth the two tickets. We were going to try medium to big scares this time but then chickened out. Even the little scares made us jump and my nerves are pretty much shot as it is so I thought it's probably better not to freak us out more than necessary. I was just happy to get through a day without my eye twitching. Terrifying yourself doesn't seem like the best move when you already have anxiety issues.<br />
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They had pony rides! (Although if you ask me this is a HORSE not a pony!) I was a little nervous about Michelle being up that high but she held on tight and the handler was right there. I followed around snapping photos like a fiend. Michelle is beaming here! I cherish moments like this. I love seeing Michelle happy. This is what I live for. And I can endure all the rough days if I at least get to share moments like this with her.<br />
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And then the girl was kind enough to snap our picture so I could get in one as well. I only went horse back riding once, many years ago. It was fun and I'd love to do it again sometime. For now I was content just to get pictures of Michelle having fun. Photography is my fun!<br />
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After the pony ride she wanted to go to the corn pit. It just never gets old...<br />
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Michelle had a ball once again playing in the corn like it was sand or snow. She made a bunch of new friends yet again, as she always does. When one group would leave she'd introduce herself to another. Michelle is fearless. She will approach anyone and say hi, introduce herself and ask if they want to play. Even when they're older than Michelle (one of her new friends was 7 years old.) Invariably they say yes. I'm always in awe of her. I wish I had that confidence and sense of ease with people. I definitely do NOT. I usually just assume no one wants to talk to me and stay clear of them unless they approach me!<br />
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Michelle laughing and exchanging stories with her new friend. I really should take pointers from her on her social game. I know part of it is just innate. She's a Leo and it's just natural for her to be a leader, to take charge, to be confident. It's not natural for me. I am much more comfortable just sitting back and keeping to myself. Unless someone approaches me and then I am friendly. But it's also different when you're an adult.<br />
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Next Michelle wanted to paint a pumpkin. It was pretty time consuming but she had fun and I snapped some pictures of her while she worked on her masterpiece. She decided she wanted her pumpkin to be two faced so it took even longer. Then we had to leave it on the table to dry while we walked around the farm (it was so cold and damp that it still wasn't dry even when we picked it up hours later.)<br />
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A two faced purple pumpkin! Why not? It was cute and we would add it to our collection of pumpkins all designed by Michelle. I liked the painting idea. Next year I may even paint a pumpkin at home -- something cool like silver or gold. I also saw some people had red dripping from the eyes like blood etc. Painting is another great idea as opposed to carving. I'm all about avoiding pumpkin carving forever! LOL<br />
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One last pose with Michelle's completed pumpkin and then we added it to the table.<br />
Michelle didn't seem like she wanted to leave it but I assured her that it would be fine and we'd pick it up later when it was dry. Or at least not quite as wet....<br />
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Next stop: photo ops!<br />
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We got some pictures posing with pumpkins and props around the farm. When we were with Michelle's class it was killing me that I couldn't snap these shots but there was no time to stop when we had to keep up with the class and just do the things on the field trip schedule. Now I was in my glory checking every cheesy photo op off my list! Pumpkin driving a tractor? Done! Ghost cut-out? On it!<br />
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Michelle and me also posed with a massive maple leaf on the side of the barn which was tricky because I had to set the camera on a table at quite a distance and then count down and run. I was afraid people would walk in front of the camera or even worse that the little train go by in front of the shot. But we got lucky and managed to get the shot without any photobombs!<br />
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I'm not sure why Michelle has her hands in the air or why she has one leg crossed over the other but it's cute anyway.<br />
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Next she wanted to go on a tractor ride.<br />
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Michelle wasn't very good and riding the tractor when she first got on. She kept running into things and I had to pull her over and get her back on track. After a few laps however she was a pro at steering and was having a blast going around and around faster and faster. Unfortunately there was another boy waiting for the tractor so she had to stop. Otherwise she would have kept going for hours until she got dizzy and fell off!<br />
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Next stop the straw castle. This turned out to be disastrous. Michelle was having fun at first, running around and playing, making friends. Then all of a sudden a boy was jumping off of a hay bale and KICKED HER IN THE HEAD! Boot to the head. She cried. I was livid. The boy looked sheepish but hadn't even said sorry until I glared at him with looks to kill and then he finally said "Sorry." I wanted to kill him. This is a dangerous farm! On the class trip she gets stung by a bee in the apple orchard and now she gets kicked in the head in the castle. For f*%^'s sake! As a control freak it's particularly upsetting to me. I want to protect Michelle from ever getting hurt. But of course you can't protect them from everything. Life happens. Like Dory explains to Marlin in "Finding Nemo" you can't promise to never let anything happen to your child. Things have to happen to them. That's life. Being sheltered and never trying anything out of fear of being hurt isn't life. But dear Lord why do friggin bees and clumsy boys in boots have to hurt my little girl?!<br />
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Another friend Michelle made in the straw castle. They had fun chasing each other and playing hide and seek until the boot incident happened as a boy was jumping down and didn't bother to make sure the coast was clear.<br />
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Michelle was OK. She always bounces back. She had a bit of a red mark on her face but once she wiped the tears away and we went to get something to eat she cheered up and was fine.<br />
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She even wanted to go and get her face painted and you can't even see the mark on her face.<br />
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Michelle got a pumpkin on her cheek. There was no mirror to show her so I took a picture to show it to her. She was pretty happy with it. By this point I was starving and looking forward to getting a hot dog but the snack cart was just clearing up and there weren't any hot dogs left. They still had fries so we settled for that. I was starving after all the walking around we had done.<br />
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Aside from the kick in the head it was a pretty good day!<br />
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I love sharing adventures with Michelle. When I told my Mom about it she said "Why would you take her back there after getting stung by a bee?!" But this is how Mom lives her life -- in fear and avoidance. You can't live that way. The only way to avoid getting hurt is to just stay home. Even that doesn't work because I've heard that most accidents happen at home!<br />
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Before we left I wanted to get a parting shot of Michelle posing with the pumpkin scale because it was cute.<br />
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She wanted to get another pumpkin but I told her we already had enough pumpkins at home (and I'd gotten them 2 for $5 instead of paying $5-10 for one.) Plus I was afraid if we got another one she might want me to carve it. And I'd escaped the whole carving thing this long so I didn't want to jinx it! No orange squishy pumpkin guts this year! Woo hoo!<br />
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I love that Michelle named her skeleton characters -- Spike (Spik), Olivia (Olivea) and Corduroy (Cordroy -- this one seems really random but she had a Halloween book about a bear named Corduroy so this is where she got the name from.) I love the big round hands and little circle fingers. And I love that the girl skeleton has REALLY long hair down to the ground (the Rapunzel of skeletons!) Michelle's artwork is so cute and so funny I could look at it forever! I want to organize her drawings. Right now they're just in a messy pile in the guest room waiting to be labelled, filed and put in the box. Some other Moms outside the school were talking about their kids' artwork and saying they just throw a lot of it out. I keep almost everything of Michelle's but then I'm a sentimental fool!<br />
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Mama and Michelle as chicks. When we were blue jays we had hair but now as fuzzy little yellow chicks, we were bald! I'm not sure what the chicks had to do with Halloween. She comes up with her own ideas. She likes to do her own thing. She doesn't like being told what to do. So when I suggest "Why don't you draw..." she says no. Or sometimes she grudgingly does a drawing/card etc if I ask her to but then she slaps it together making a minimal effort. That's how she usually does the homework in her agenda. Every week she reads 10 books and does a book report with a write up and drawing. I worried that the teachers won't see her full potential because she does it so quickly just to get it over with instead of doing her best. Then again there are probably kids that don't do it at all. I mean it's kindergarten. You shouldn't have homework. I'm OCD though. The agenda has a place for it so I feel obligated to make Michelle do the work every week. Plus I love having her work and I get to keep the agenda at the end of the year to look at her progress.<br />
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The big day arrived: HALLOWEEN! Michelle dressed up in the Sponge Bob outfit that she twisted my arm to buy -- the t-shirt, skirt, jacket & even a boa. She LOVES Sponge Bob. It's her favourite show. I didn't bother doing makeup or anything. Mornings are pretty hectic as it is without doing that. Michelle explained to me that she was not Sponge Bob but rather Sponge Bob's girlfriend!<br />
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Usually it's tough getting Michelle out of bed in the morning but she was so excited about Halloween that she practically leaped out of bed to get dressed.<br />
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"And we can go trick or treating tonight?!" she asked, beaming.<br />
"Yes sweetheart! Trick or treat tonight!"<br />
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Michelle after school on the front porch with our ghoul in the chair. You can't really make it out but the ghoul/skull lady is holding a zombie baby. Because why not?<br />
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Our hanging ghouls kept blowing away and Michelle wanted to keep them inside where they were safe so we hung a skeleton up there instead.<br />
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Michelle was SO excited to put on her costume and go trick or treating. I grabbed McDonalds so I wouldn't have to waste time making dinner and we got ready for the night.<br />
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Michelle and me all dressed up and ready to go. I didn't get too elaborate with my vampire get-up this year. I just wore a black sweater and my new cool zombie leggings from Auntie May. Michelle was thrilled to don her Princess Vampire gown and she practiced holding up the sides like a princess so it wouldn't drag the ground. Unfortunately it was freezing cold and windy out which wasn't ideal but at least it wasn't raining. We would have to wear coats over our costumes. At least Michelle had a black coat to put over it.<br />
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Michelle loved her makeup: purple lips, eyeshadow and some bat stencils on her face. I put one on mine as well.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e7EiNy1oZX0/WgxbuSnDp1I/AAAAAAAAQcI/ycp7MOiQ9sMqnOwEfG8HQvjRW132GCT5QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN3771.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1311" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e7EiNy1oZX0/WgxbuSnDp1I/AAAAAAAAQcI/ycp7MOiQ9sMqnOwEfG8HQvjRW132GCT5QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN3771.JPG" width="262" /></a>Michelle and I posing with a Minion inflatable we met in our travels! Had to be done!<br />
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It was still light out. We got an early start because I wanted to be back in time to give treats to the kids. While we were out I just had a bowl left on the porch with a note "Help yourself. We'll be back soon." I thought we'd be the only ones out but there were other young kids as well.<br />
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Michelle was having a ball. I tried to explain to her yet again not to waste her time going to the houses with no decorations that were in darkness with no car in the driveway. We did the countdown " 1-2-3 we're OUTTA here!" after she'd ring the bell. I told her some people aren't home or don't celebrate Halloween. Party poopers!<br />
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Michelle came across one of her classmates/friends looking especially muscular as Captain America or something? (I'm not as well versed in boy's costumes/characters/comics etc). Of course I had to snap a photo of them together. His Mom got a photo too. I mean, how do you not?<br />
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I love Michelle's ear to ear grin here. She was so excited to run into some of her friends as we made our rounds.<br />
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This witch (which -- get it! -- in addition to being ugly moved around and made noise) really creeped Michelle out (for good reason!) and she didn't want to get too close but I insisted because it was far too good of a photo op to pass up on so she finally braved it. I tried to get a selfie with it too but it's not as good (as you can see by the photo above).<br />
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The witch moved around creepily and made cackling noises. I was kind of wishing we had a cool animatronic character like that on our porch but I'd be afraid of something happening to it. For now I just make do with my makeshift ghoul. Its eyes used to light up but it didn't seem to be working when I tried the switch and I didn't have time to open it up & replace the batteries.<br />
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More and more kids started trick or treating and I couldn't resist snapping pictures of Michelle with some of them in the background. This Tyrannosaurus Rex costume was pretty cool! I'm still kicking myself that I didn't get that bunny mascot head from Walmart. There are just so many uses! In this God-forsaken world if something makes you smile or laugh it's definitely worth the $20-30 or whatever it was. Dang. That's it. Next Halloween I'm buying the crazy huge mascot head! Just cuz!<br />
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In our travels we also ran into a dog dressed as a police officer (Canine unit I guess!) and it was too cute for words! How could I NOT take a photo?! I got their permission anyway. Michelle loves dogs and was happy to pose with him (after I made sure it was OK with the owner.)<br />
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Michelle and a big group of random trick or treaters at one house. Godzilla, a chicken etc. I didn't see too many other parents taking photos. They might have snapped one or two but they weren't following their kids like paparazzi the way I was!<br />
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I was so glad the rain held out. Last year it was cold and rainy on Halloween and it was awful. This year it was just cold.<br />
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It was cute and all but after a while I was getting cold and tired and was pretty much over it. I would have been happy to head back home any time but Michelle wanted to keep going. I figured we might as well do the whole street. I carried Michelle's bag for her so she could concentrate on holding up her dress from scraping the ground. Princess problems.<br />
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Michelle ran into another friend/classmate -- this time Dracula. How could I resist getting a picture of two little vampires together?! How cute is that?! If only he'd been looking and smiling. I love Michelle's smile here even though she's not looking at me.<br />
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My little girl is growing up. Seeing her in makeup especially is kind of a scary prelude to her as a teenager. (I can't really even think about that yet! It will be VERY SCARY!) It all goes so fast. I'll take a million pictures to try to slow it down but the years will still fly by. And one day she'll be too old for trick or treating. So I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FzrpxzdgFLM/Wgxc_r_h61I/AAAAAAAAQeA/WuSyreX7knAJBv2SshtEPFVzAw9rSJwgQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN3807.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1400" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FzrpxzdgFLM/Wgxc_r_h61I/AAAAAAAAQeA/WuSyreX7knAJBv2SshtEPFVzAw9rSJwgQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN3807.JPG" width="280" /></a>Back at home I didn't even get to give out treats to the kids. Michelle wouldn't let me! She wanted to do it herself. She was so excited and felt so grown up going to the door on her own and giving out the treats.<br />
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Every time the bell rang she sprang to the door, "Yay! Another CUSTOMER!" It was so cute. I couldn't resist getting a couple of pictures of her going to the door. She was quite proud of herself playing the lady of the house and saying "Here you go" and "Happy Halloween" even to kids twice her size.<br />
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I meanwhile sorted through her Halloween candy to make sure there was nothing dangerous. My Mom was going on about candy laced with fentanyl or something. I know the odd time you hear about razor blades in the candy (like maybe one incident in 100 years) but I think most of it is fear mongering and urban legends. Still there is no way I'd let her have anything that looked iffy or wasn't sealed properly.<br />
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The Halloween haul! I organized her candy into categories. She gave me the things she didn't like (anything with peanuts -- mmmm Reese! Not because she's allergic. She just doesn't like it.) Then I told her she could have a few treats before heading up to her bath and bed. She picked a bag of chips and some chocolate. She's really pretty good about not eating too much junk food (unlike me. I gorged myself on some of the leftovers after the kids tapered off.) Michelle was disappointed when the kids stopped coming. She made me go outside and pretend to be a kid so she could give me candy.<br />
"Trick or treat!"<br />
"Again Mama!"<br />
"OK but it's cold out here I want to come in!"<br />
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I love Halloween decorations but when it's over I'm anxious to take them down. Most of the things I left until the next day but I wanted to bring my big scarecrow ghoul in for safe keeping. After I brought the ghoul in and put the head on the stairs the colourful eyes started blinking! It just about scared me to death! "What the?!" I had the head sitting on the stairs and it started lighting up. I asked Michelle if she touched it and she said no. When I tried to get it to light up before it wouldn't. I tried the switch several times. I assumed the batteries were dead. Now, inexplicably, with no one touching it, it sprang to life. Oh well. I guess if a ghost is going to visit, Halloween night is as good a time as any!<br />
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Michelle wanted to draw on my face and I decided to let her so she drew a big bat on my forehead. I really couldn't tell what she was doing until I looked in the mirror afterwards. Michelle LOVES doing makeup. So sometimes I act as her living mannequin and let her paint away. "Can you go out like that Mama?" she asks after she's made me look like some version of a nightmarish rodeo clown... "Ummm no." But when we're at home and no one's going to see it anyway, why not? Might as well enjoy Halloween for a few more minutes. I'd be having a shower soon to wash it off anyway.<br />
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All in all I was grateful for a wonderful Halloween with my girl. And I indulged in some chocolate too! Thank goodness Michelle's school wasn't selling chocolates this year so I didn't gain 5 lbs before Halloween even arrived!<br />
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Michelle loves to draw but as I mentioned before it has to be her own idea. I asked her to make a card for Grandma & Grandpa for their anniversary since they were going to be babysitting her that day while I worked dayshift.<br />
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"Do I HAVE TO?"<br />
"Yes. It's nice when you make cards."<br />
I gave her a template she just had to copy. She messed up the word Anniversary -- it turned out more like Annivesry but that's probably my fault for not writing it clearly for her to copy. I love her drawing of my Mom and Dad but I can tell she scribbled it quickly. At least she put lots and lots of kisses and hugs inside the card.<br />
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My Mom didn't even REMEMBER that it was their anniversary and they never do anything special. I told them I'd take them out to dinner when I got home from work.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zfX96p7-WVQ/WgxeLSHAJsI/AAAAAAAAQe4/3nwWUfuep60ScA3MdJXP-AYBkHy85zNcACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN3823.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1222" data-original-width="1600" height="244" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zfX96p7-WVQ/WgxeLSHAJsI/AAAAAAAAQe4/3nwWUfuep60ScA3MdJXP-AYBkHy85zNcACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN3823.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle and one of her many cute headbands. I love these pink cat ears! To me every day is Halloween! When you're a kid you might as well have fun and dress up/role play every day! Michelle loves it and it's a great photo op for me!<br />
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I wish Ali's eyes had been open here but it's still cute. Michelle loves her furry older sister. She started carrying around her pink monkey again for a while. This was her favourite toy when she was a baby and she went EVERYWHERE with it. It was adorable seeing her carry it around again. She's still my baby girl!<br />
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I didn't expect there to be a long line up out the door when we got to Swiss Chalet. Lesson learned. Make reservations (of course with my long commute from work etc I wasn't sure what time we'd be there and I didn't think it would be so crowded.) There was a 40 minute wait for a table. Dear God. I was tempted to just boycott the whole thing. I was exhausted after a long day at work but I'd promised my parents and Michelle was looking forward to it too. So we killed time at a store in the plaza and then came back. I was looking forward to having the festive special! Mmmmm Swiss Chalet, OK! When the waitress asked if we needed anything I asked if she'd take our photo so she did (which was good because my selfies did NOT work out -- I couldn't fit us all in!)<br />
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Michelle ordered the mini burgers and fries from the kid's menu. She ate one of the burgers and we got the other one to go. She had a great time and was pretty well behaved. I was worried that either Michelle or my Mom and Dad would embarrass me but they all did pretty well.<br />
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It was nice but I was so relieved to be done and anxious to get to bed. I'd been up since 4 a.m. and had hardly any sleep (Michelle coughed all night. The never ending cough she's had off and on since she started school in September. Her cousin Reggie had a cough for months last year. And of course I had pneumonia for several months last Winter.)<br />
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I'm always excited to get Michelle's school photos. I get the digital package so I have the shots on a CD. Being able to post pictures on Twitter and my blog is my top priority! I also like having actual prints though for my wallet etc and I haven't printed photos in so long that it's nice to have some. In the good old days I was at the photo lab once a week dropping off films. I always looked forward to looking through the packets of photos. Digital cameras changed all that.<br />
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This shot cracks me up. With her pursed lips and wide open eyes Michelle looks mildly annoyed like "OK can we just get on with this!" I still like this shot though I chose the other pose for the prints that I would share with family.<br />
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Here at least Michelle is sporting a subtle Mona Lisa smile. She looks so mature and elegant with a hint of mischievousness like she's up to something. Like a royal princess with a secret. I'm so proud of my girl. Growing up my Mom rarely if ever purchased my portraits. She'd get the class picture but not the ones of me on my own and she'd use the excuse that they weren't very good! Thanks a lot! I think I would ALWAYS have to buy the school portraits of Michelle whether I liked them or not because I don't think I could live with myself knowing that there were pictures of my baby that were just trashed. I want to have it all. I want a record of everything. And I want to look back at the pictures from each year and see how she's changed and grown. Then again I am a photoholic and my Mom was clearly NOT. When I look back I'm shocked at how few photos she took. For instance there are NO photos of Halloween from my entire childhood! How do you NOT take pictures at Halloween?! My Mom used the excuse that she didn't like Halloween. I know, right? Lame.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wmT6LpmGwps/Wgxf6j3MW0I/AAAAAAAAQgk/CijgVSMnkjAK5HgOxnFNCHuQqbok7zhVACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN3857.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="228" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wmT6LpmGwps/Wgxf6j3MW0I/AAAAAAAAQgk/CijgVSMnkjAK5HgOxnFNCHuQqbok7zhVACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN3857.JPG" width="320" /></a>Just when I think my girl can't be any sweeter she makes me this. "To Mama P from Michelle P. You are the best Mama in the world!"<br />
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I love when she does a Mama and baby heart holding hands (yes she has drawn this before). Adorbs. When I'm having a bad day it's things like this that keep me going. I do have the sweetest girl. So even if I'm a mess at least I know that I did something right!<br />
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I swear there is literally a day for everything! When I saw on Twitter that it was #NationalHugABearDay I had to get a photo of us with some of our teddy bears. And YES this is only SOME of them! I have always loved teddy bears even before I had a child so Michelle inherited most of my collection and it continues to grow. My Mom loves teddy bears too. There is just something about a bear. It's cute and comforting. As a kid you need something to hug. Michelle said she misses me when I'm at work. While I'm on nightshift and she's at Grandma's at least she has her stuffies to hug. And she almost always brings a stuffie with her for car rides, to school etc. I'm glad she's a loving affectionate girl. I wouldn't have it any other way!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xsB-St_38z8/WgxgOVo0dfI/AAAAAAAAQg4/NUbURPzXtvgrW3prY_oU83W5Y57VtSnJgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN3861.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1298" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xsB-St_38z8/WgxgOVo0dfI/AAAAAAAAQg4/NUbURPzXtvgrW3prY_oU83W5Y57VtSnJgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN3861.JPG" width="259" /></a>Michelle and I both love Taylor Swift! Her CD 1989 was our favourite CD to play in the car for long rides. I loved her new songs when they came on the radio and was anxious to have the new CD Reputation. We were not disappointed. It is AMAZING! Every song on it is catchy! Whether you like her or not you have to admit Swift is a genius! And she's sold 1 million copies of her CD in the first week! At a time when most artists can't even sell a handful of CDs. I love that her album #Reputation came with a magazine as well. Such a cool concept. I love the whole CD but my favourite songs are "Look What you made me do," "Delicate," "Gorgeous" "Call it what you want" "This is why we can't have nice things!" Michelle loves "Ready for it" the best. I let Michelle watch the videos as well on Youtube.<br />
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Michelle got a great report card. I knew she was doing well but when I went for the parent teacher interview I was especially proud of her. The teachers were impressed with how bright she is -- imaginative, talented, reading level 8 books when the goal for SK is level 3, writing, making her own books, also good with numbers. They also commented on how well she participates in class, gets along with other kids, makes friends easily, is kind and caring. They couldn't even think of any areas for improvement! I was just bursting with pride. My eyes started to well up. Michelle means everything to me and I've made so many sacrifices to try to do what's best for her. It means the world to me that she is bright and happy and to hear so many positive comments from her teachers warms my heart. She is my angel. Whatever else I may have messed up in my life, Michelle is my masterpiece!<br />
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Normally I host my Mom's birthday party at my place every year but this year my brother Mike said he'd have it at his place for a change. Michelle was excited to see her cousins Kayla and Evie. She doesn't get to see them as often. She was often calling them the wrong names! I tried to make her remember by telling her that Evie came first -- just like Adam and Eve were the first people God created. But then when I quizzed her later "What is your older cousin's name?"<br />
"Kayla?"<br />
"No! Remember who God created first?"<br />
"Adam and Evie," Michelle said. That made me laugh. And at least by the time we got there she remembered and called them the right names for a change! She had a ball playing with them.<br />
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almost the whole gang -- Chris and Christina couldn't make it. There was a fire in their building that day. Chris had replaced my Mom's toilet and sink in her main floor bathroom as a birthday gift ahead of time. My Mom was disappointed they weren't coming to the party but relieved they were OK.<br />
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It's a bit of a drive but it's nice to visit Mike's now and then. I was glad the weather wasn't too bad. There was just a light dusting of snow. I had my snow tires put back on as soon as I heard there might be snow. I'm not taking any chances with that again after a horrendous drive in the snow last year before I got snow tires.<br />
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I love my family. I'm so grateful to have them. It's always great getting together. I think it's important for Michelle to have a big extended family since at home it's just the two of us.<br />
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Lately a friend at school had been harassing Michelle about not having a daddy. There was no malicious intent but it wound up hurting Michelle. "You MUST have a daddy!" her friend told her. "EVERYONE HAS A DADDY!"<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IiOq-MGkyaU/Wgxh7w3jN9I/AAAAAAAAQiY/DQMZOJIYsjoys-ExKfvC4ZCkifyIZXKpQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN3918.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IiOq-MGkyaU/Wgxh7w3jN9I/AAAAAAAAQiY/DQMZOJIYsjoys-ExKfvC4ZCkifyIZXKpQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN3918.JPG" width="320" /></a>She started to feel like she was missing out. I explained to her that yes most people do have a Mommy and Daddy but some only have one of the other. There are also different families where there are two Moms or two Dads. Or some kids are raised by their grandparents or maybe they don't have grandparents (mine passed away when I was young.) Every family is different. The important thing is that you have people who love you. Michelle couldn't be more loved. I talked to the teacher about it and she read a book to the class about how every family is different.<br />
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It was a treat being at Mike and Barb's for a change. Dinner was delicious - roast beeves (I kid you not -- we looked it up and when you have more than one roast of beef the plural is beeves! Weird eh?! I guess I've never actually had more than one roast beef at a time so it's never come up! I still wonder why the Maple Leafs hockey team aren't the Maple Leaves but I digress...) Then there was the scalloped potatoes. I probably gained 5 lbs that night. Mike had asked my Mom what she wanted and made all her favourites. For dessert Barb made her DELICIOUS brownie cake. Too delicious for words! I had two pieces.<br />
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After dinner we sat around the table and talked about life, politics etc. We wound up laughing our heads off and asking Siri questions on Mike's phone.<br />
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At one point I asked if Artificial Intelligence was a threat to take over the world. I can't remember what she said. Some of her answers were evasive. Others were comical/entertaining. I sort of wished I had a device with a robot voice to ask questions. "Siri, what is love? What is the meaning of life?" Some answers just directed you toward websites on the subject but some of her answers were pretty creative.<br />
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I always put my Christmas tree up in mid-November. It's a family tradition. I usually did it on the day of the Santa Claus parade as my mother had. I figure when you have an artificial tree you might as well enjoy it as long as possible. When Christmas is over I can't wait to get rid of all the decorations but before Christmas arrives I love the decorations and find it cozy and comforting having the tree up.<br />
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Michelle wanted to help me decorate the tree so I made sure I waited until she was home from school to help me put the ornaments on. I just did all the grunt work (digging everything out from the basement and putting the tree together -- which is a nuisance since I can barely read the letters on the arms to see which branches go on what level.) I'm not a fan of stringing the lights on either. I was glad at least they still worked. Putting the ornaments on is the fun part. It's always a magical transformation to see the tree go from this sparse white (and yellowing over the years) tree to a bright glowing white vision with silver and turquoise ornaments.<br />
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Michelle is only 5 years old and she's already a budding fashionista. She loves clothes and loves to dress up. When I saw this adorable black satin jacket with an embroidered dragon on it I just HAD to get it for her. And I was wishing they had a matching one in my size!<br />
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She was happy to wear it to school and also wore her glittery black cat ears headband with it.<br />
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I'm glad that Michelle is a girly girl and loves dressing up. I've heard from some other parents that their daughters refuse to dress up, won't wear dresses, always want to wear the same pants etc.<br />
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After school Michelle and I read stories and play together before I get dinner. One day she wanted to play "Gas Out" -- a farting game where you choose a numbered card and then press the little gas cloud the corresponding number of times. This is one game where Michelle WANTS to lose. She laughed her head off when she'd get a high number and the cloud would pass gas. I just rolled my eyes. Make a gross game and kids will love it! She'd asked for it last Christmas and I refused to get it because it was too silly. Then my sister asked for ideas for Michelle and she wound up getting it! Another game I refuse to get is the Pie Face game where you basically get hit with whip cream. No way. No day. Because guess who would have to clean up all that whip cream off faces, clothes and furniture? Mama of course!<br />
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It is worth it to see Michelle smiling and laughing though so the game is great for that anyway.<br />
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Michelle normally is happy, positive and full of energy. Unfortunately in the Fall she was sometimes coming home upset by things her best friend had said. Though I've been assured by the teacher and the girl's parent that there was no malicious intent, Michelle's friend kept pestering her about her dad. "You must have a daddy! Everyone has a daddy!" It made Michelle feel like she was missing out. One day she said to me "I hate my life! I don't have a daddy! I don't have any sisters!" It made me angry to think that some other child was making her feel bad about her life. I told her that she has a mother who loves her very much. And grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, a big extended family. I told her that yes a lot of kids have a traditional family with a Mom and Dad but every family is different. They might just have a Mom or just a Dad, or 2 Moms or 2 Dads. Or just grandparents. Or no grandparents. I expressed my concerns to her teacher who wound up reading a book to the class about "Families" and how each one is unique. Luckily Michelle never sulked for very long. I always wound up cheering her up by getting her excited about Christmas etc.<br />
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In the morning it's hard to get Michelle to go to school. Then when school is over it's hard to get her to leave. She always wants to play outside the school. In the Summer I didn't mind. The weather was beautiful and I enjoyed standing and chatting with other Moms. But it's Winter now. Well Fall anyway. Some would say I shouldn't complain because Summer lingered longer than expected but I would have been happy if it never came. It's cold now and I hate standing in the cold. Not to mention last November I got pneumonia which lingered for several months and was Hell on Earth. I hate Winter. And sometimes it feels like the cold wind goes right through you, to your bones. I'm not a fan at all.<br />
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Michelle started asking me questions about her dad. I hadn't really told her that much. My pat answer was "Your daddy had a lot of problems and he left because he knew we were better off." It wasn't a lie, per se. It could be true. The truth is I don't have an answer. Maybe because of her friend at school pestering her with "You MUST have a daddy! Everyone has a daddy!" but Michelle wanted more details.<br />
"What kind of problems? Why did he leave?" Oh boy. Here we go. What do I say?! So I told her, in as kind and Disney-version a way as I could. He left when I was 4 months pregnant. But I told her that before that he did kiss my belly, did call her Michelle, did say he was looking forward to having a family for the first time in his life. He said we'd be a "cute little family." I said maybe he got scared that he didn't know how to be a father or how to have a normal family because his own life had been so messed up -- I told her how he never had a father and his Mom was put in jail when he was 1 year old and he was bounced around foster homes. I told her he had a lot of issues -- emotional, financial, etc and that he would have been more of a burden than a help which may be why he chose to leave. She took it all in stride (then again she is 5 years old.) Then she wanted to know more about him. "What did he look like?"<br />
"He was very tall & thin 6'2" had spiky blond hair, blue eyes, piercings and tattoos..."<br />
"Cool!" she exclaimed.<br />
I sighed. I wanted to say no it's not cool but "Billy Idol" was basically my type when I was younger. And the attraction to stereotypical "bad boys" continued into adulthood. Actually it spiked in my 40s. Maybe it was mid-life crisis. I bought a convertible too... Anyway I hoped Michelle would never fall for the bad boys. I told her I could show her photos and even a video of her dad. She was excited. "Show me! I want to see it!" Michelle laughed her head off at the video of him chasing me through a corn field pretending to be a psycho/monster (pretending?!) For a moment I imagined him playing with her, chasing Michelle around with her laughing. It made me sad to think how she doesn't have a daddy in her life. But I'm glad he's not in our lives because he had so many issues and I can't bear the thought of Michelle being hurt. I don't want him anywhere near her.<br />
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It was kind of cathartic to share all this with her. I didn't want it to be this deep dark secret. This burden that I carry alone. I'd rather she know and be OK with it. I didn't want to bad mouthe him to her. Even if he is a monster, he's still half of who she is. I'm grateful for his DNA. Grateful I fell for the devil to get my angel. I tried to give her the kindest version of the story. And maybe he really did leave out of love for us because he was toxic and he knew it. When she's older she can draw her own conclusions. I hope she never wants to find him or that he never tries to find her. He has no right. He checked out. He washed his hands of us. There is no father on Michelle's birth certificate. It's blank. He might as well be a ghost. He could be dead for all I know. I've made no effort to find him. Nor will I ever. (Hopefully Michelle never does.)<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZiO--Sux6JQ/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZiO--Sux6JQ?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe>When he first left I refused to write a song about him for a long time. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I'd written songs about him when we were together. But all these years later I have all these unresolved issues, questions, anger, pain. I found myself writing songs about him now. One called "Ghosted" I posted on Youtube. Back when he left I had never heard the term "ghosting" but apparently many women have been left without a word. It's the most cowardly way to leave someone -- to just disappear without a trace. Like a ghost. Leaving someone while she's pregnant with your child is lowest of all. Writing is therapeutic and getting these feelings out, even all these years later, helps.<br />
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There's no limit to the things I'll do for Michelle. My schedule is pretty insane. When I work nightshift it's a 16 hour day on almost no sleep. Michelle's class was going to be a having a "Scientist in the classroom: Magnets" day and her teachers asked if I'd volunteer. I'd volunteered for Scientist day last year but it was on an off day. This was going to be right after I'd worked a nightshift and would be on no sleep. They were short of volunteers so I said if they couldn't get anyone else I'd do it. "But I'll be a zombie scientist on no sleep!" I warned them. I wound up doing it. Michelle was excited to have me there. I can't even explain how tired I was! I was so relieved when the two hours were over and I could FINALLY go home to bed though it was only going to be for a few hours and I'd have to pick Michelle up from school again.<br />
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I love Michelle's artwork. Drawing this Nativity scene was her idea. She's got it all -- a host of angels, Mary and Joseph, baby Jesus and a donkey (? or horse I'm not sure!) I love the details she adds into her pictures. If you ask her to draw something she may just throw it together quickly with minimum effort but when it's her idea she'll work on it for a long time and put a lot of detail into it.<br />
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I had a huge pile of Michelle's artwork that I'd been putting off sorting through for years. I finally sat down with folders and went through the piles labeling (some I had thankfully labeled so then it was easier to time stamp pieces from the same period) and sorting them. It was actually kind of fun and gave me a few really good laughs. Especially the pictures where I had written Michelle's description on the back. Some of them were hilarious and I didn't even remember them. Now I've gotten in the habit of writing the month and year on the back as soon as Michelle brings artwork home from school.<br />
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Some Moms I talked to said they only keep a few pieces of their child's art and trash the rest. I have a really hard time getting rid of anything Michelle does but her art especially is so cute I could never part with it!<br />
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This cat is amazing! So adorable! I think it was a cat on a book that Michelle was reading. I love the big eyes. It actually looks just like the cat on the book did.<br />
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I'm glad that Michelle loves books and reading, writing and art as much as I do.<br />
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I was so proud of her when I went for the parent teacher interview at her school.<br />
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I love this outfit. My little schoolgirl in her tartan skirt. Of course I had to wear a tartan kilt as a school uniform and found it the opposite of cute but it's different when she's 5 years old. There was even a matching tartan tie.<br />
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"Aren't ties just for men?" Michelle asked.<br />
"Well mostly. But women can wear them too."<br />
"I'm like a businesswoman! A grown lady!" she suggested.<br />
"Yes!" I told her.<br />
She was quite proud of herself and kept admiring her outfit in the mirror.<br />
It is scary how fast she's growing up. She's only 5 years old but already she talks about being a teenager and sometimes I'm afraid she's trying to grow up too fast.<br />
In some ways she wants to be so grown up and dependent but in other ways she still wants to be a little girl. And I still call her baby. I told her she'll ALWAYS be my baby no matter how old she is.<br />
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The Fall is always rough for me. As I've mentioned before the lack of sunlight really affects me and I'm sure I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. This year I had added stress and was even breaking down. I'm working on dealing with the stress and getting therapy. Of course my insane schedule and lack of sleep doesn't help. After working long days on no sleep I was bound to get run down and sure enough caught a cold. Michelle has had a cough basically since she started school but it doesn't seem to affect her energy or anything else. It's just a nuisance when she coughs at night. I got a runny nose but luckily after some rest, chicken soup and OJ I felt a lot better. After having pneumonia last year I'm always afraid of getting sick again. I never want to go through that again. When I think of the year I've had -- sick with pneumonia, then the surgery, my insane schedule and nightmare commute etc -- I wonder how I got through. Somehow I did. November is almost over! It's crazy. Time flies when you're having fun but it even flies during the rough patches. So I shouldn't let anything bother me. This too shall pass.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U3mqbTl0T-M/WhwbSEXYvkI/AAAAAAAAQn0/y6RMs1-9muw3EUOFG4-IOC9B4cRVYr9CQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4059.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1199" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U3mqbTl0T-M/WhwbSEXYvkI/AAAAAAAAQn0/y6RMs1-9muw3EUOFG4-IOC9B4cRVYr9CQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4059.JPG" width="239" /></a>Michelle was excited for Christmas coming. She wanted to write Santa a letter. She was going to ask him for the $400 pink Cadillac we'd seen in Toys R Us months ago. I gulped. Uh oh. Crap. What do I say?!<br />
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I managed to think of a good way out of it. I said it wouldn't be fair to other kids if she got something that big and expensive. And how would he fit that in his sack? Also I told her that it wouldn't fit in our garage, she wouldn't be able to ride it in the house and it would get wrecked outside. When she first asked for it I told her that I'd only buy it if we won the lottery. I stuck by that. And no Santa couldn't get it either. I told her that unless we win the lottery and moved to a mansion we wouldn't have room for it. This all seemed reasonable to her so she asked Santa for a Teddy Bear for her doll instead. Phew. That was a close one!<br />
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Michelle always gets one present from Santa and the rest from me...<br />
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Michelle drew this adorable picture of Santa and a reindeer. It was her own idea. I'm not sure if she was looking at anything when she drew it or just off the top of her head. I think Santa's been working out since he's not nearly as portly as usual! For a second I thought the reindeer had 5 legs but the last one is just the tail. Michelle's art gives me life! After a hard night/day at work I look forward to going back to my Mom's and seeing what new masterpieces Michelle has created.<br />
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She's always so excited for me to see her work. I always make a fuss. For a while Michelle was very hard on herself and didn't think her drawings were good enough but I think I've praised her enough that she knows they are wonderful, especially for a 5 year old. I want to start drawing and painting again myself but it's tough with my schedule and Christmas on the way now. Of course not having time is the excuse people always use for avoiding the things they love. You have to MAKE time. Somehow I find time to chip away at these blog posts. They have become my photo album/diary/record of my life and I seem to need to do them even though it is difficult finding/making time.<br />
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I wish I had even a fraction of Michelle's energy and enthusiasm. She loves everything. Every Season from Summer to Winter. Life is an endless adventure. She just wants to run around and have fun. She loves school, her friends, her family and then there's me: perpetually exhausted, often stressed out/depressed, dragging myself around. I do try to fake enthusiasm for her sake and put on a smile for her benefit. Some days it's harder than others. I know it's easier when you're a kid and you have no cares/responsibilities. Though I don't think I was ever as happy, carefree and confident as Michelle, even as a child. Somehow I always felt like I was in a contest and I was losing (even when I won.) I think being the middle child was part of that. At least Michelle has no competition. She gets all my love and attention. She's #1. And I'm constantly praising her. I just hope I don't create an ego maniac! But from what her teachers tell me she's kind and caring with other kids. That means a lot to me.<br />
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Michelle continues to make friends everywhere she goes. She wanted to go to Play Place and hadn't for a while so I took her and sure enough she had friends following her around everywhere. She has the confidence to go up to anyone, even kids older than her and ask if they want to play. I NEVER did that! If someone didn't talk to me first there was no way on Earth I'd approach them. And that continued into adulthood. I was always shy and not very social. Part of it is a lack of confidence and part of it is just my being an introvert. I never felt the need to surround myself with people. I usually just had one best friend (or as I got older BOYFRIEND) that I spent all my time with. I am glad that Michelle is more outgoing. She has an easier time than I did. I worry though that she's too friendly and trusting and sometimes you have to be cautious. Especially with adults. When we're out I'm always reminding her to stay close by. "If I can't see you, I can't save you!" Yes Mama is a control freak. But she's more precious than my own life so it's my maternal instinct to protect her.<br />
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Michelle was hoping we could see Santa but I told her she'd have to wait until December for that. They were still putting the Santa display together in the mall. I did manage to get a selfie of us with the huge Christmas tree below us in the mall.<br />
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My Mom was glad to have time to shop while I took Michelle to Play Place. Then Michelle and I just ran through the mall quickly and grabbed a few things before meeting up with Grandma. I started to panic that I hadn't really started my Christmas shopping and it's late November?! There just never seemed to be a good time between my insane schedule and other things going on, getting sick etc. Christmas shopping is always stressful. Michelle is too easy to buy for but for most people in my family I'm always at a loss. And yes we still buy gifts for each other. All 17 of us. Most families don't do that. They just buy for their own kids or they buy for one person (Secret Santa etc). Every year my Mom and I say this is crazy and we can't keep doing this but then we do anyway.<br />
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Michelle and I went to see Coco 3D and it was AMAZING! It has become one of my favourite Disney films OF ALL TIME! My expectations were high based on the previews but they were surpassed! Visually it was absolutely breathtaking. It was cute and funny but it was also very emotional. The themes of music and following your dreams and the importance of family really tugged at my heartstrings. Just before seeing the film I had a dream about my Nana -- that she was holding hands with Michelle. I believe when you dream about departed loved ones that it is their spirit actually visiting you. It was nice to see her after so many years. The idea of Dia de los Muertos -- that you pay tribute to your departed loved ones to keep their memory alive -- was beautifully illustrated in the movie. I had to wipe tears away so many times I was glad to have the 3D glasses to hide my tears. By the end I was full on sobbing. I was worried I was going to look like Alice Cooper once I took my glasses off.<br />
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Michelle loved this little Christmas elf shirt. I've heard other parents say they have a tough time getting their kids to wear what they want on any given day but Michelle is easy in that respect. Fashion-wise we're on the same page. She LOVES my choices.<br />
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I asked her what she wanted to do and she chose the indoor playground. As cold as it is outside she winds up sweating running around the playground so I had to make sure she had a t-shirt so she wouldn't overheat. Sure enough she was drenched in sweat when she ran to me for a drink of water. (She did have a sweater and coat to bundle up in outside.) I would rather have gone to the Butterfly Conservatory for a taste of Summer in this bleak Fall/Winter spell but it was her choice.<br />
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Michelle had a ball and made new friends as usual. She did get upset at one point after she fell on the blue slide and got hurt (she tried going down on the stomach which was a bad idea since there are bumps in the slide and sure enough she banged her chin. I told her to go down on her bum from now on!) Then a young boy pushed her and she said she wanted to go. I knew it would be a mistake to leave on a sour note and she'd regret it. I talked her into just having a drink, taking a breath and going back to playing. Sure enough she wound up having a great time and laughing again. We were both glad she'd stayed. I insisted on getting some photos of us as usual. This time instead of the usual pose with the giraffe I got shots with the Christmas decorations - a Christmas tree and a nearly life sized Santa Claus. If only Michelle had smiled...<br />
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Whatever else may be wrong in my life at least I have the sweetest little girl in the whole world! She's always telling me she loves me and writing me sweet cards and letters. Of course I'm also very affectionate with her and I put a love note in her lunch every day so it is a learned habit!</div>
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She made me this heart shaped card for no occasion. I keep all of her cards and drawings. </div>
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One day she wanted to paint so I got out the paints and brushes for her and she did the kitty and butterfly above. One of these days I will join her and start painting again myself but somehow I always seem to find an excuse not to. I had started writing and illustrating a children's book late last year but then I got sick with pneumonia, it got shelved, my work schedule got twice as hectic/insane and it was just put on hold indefinitely. Part of it is fear too. If I actually finish the book and send it out and it gets rejected I'd be devastated. Easier not to try, right? So many dreams get put on the shelf...</div>
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"I love you Mama. You are the best!" It's always nice to hear and helps me get through the difficult days. I love how Michelle spells Christmas -- "Chrismiss." She is pretty good with her phonetic spellings. I usually know what she means. Of course I do try to teach her the proper spellings as well. I was a Spelling Bee Queen back in school (of course back then it was drilled into you if you made a mistake you wrote the word 30 times until it was tattooed on your brain. They're not as strict now. Consequently no one can spell. Not even the President of the United States! LOL)<br />
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Michelle running, looking like an action hero(ine!) I'm not sure how she manages to be photogenic even mid-sprint! She always wants to run and play after school so I let her stick around for a bit. It was a nice day (we didn't even need our jackets!) which was a welcome change from the cold spell we'd been having. I'm not as keen on hanging around outside the school when it's below zero out. Sometimes I can't get Michelle to leave until literally ALL the other kids are leaving. It is nice to chat with the other Moms for a bit anyway while I wait for her to run amok and play.<br />
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Michelle's teacher emailed me this photo and told me that Michelle taught the class how to make hearts! It was so cute! I was so proud of her. She showed me at home as well -- how she folds the paper, cuts a triangle, curves the edges. "Who taught you that?" I asked her.<br />
"No one. I just made it up myself."<br />
"Very clever!" I said.<br />
She said some of the JK kids struggled with it but most of them got it.<br />
Michelle is the Queen of my Heart! I never tire of her heart notes/cards.<br />
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It took months but I got an appointment with a therapist. I was torn between feeling guilty for keeping the appointment on one hand (I was no longer "in crisis" to the degree I was months ago and I hated to think I was taking a spot away from someone who maybe needed help more -- we're in a mental health crisis after all and there isn't enough help for all those who need it) and worrying on the other hand that they'll find I actually am so unstable I should be locked up. (OK I'm being facetious because they don't really "lock people up" or have mental institutions like they used to but anyway...) The truth was even though I was managing for the most part I was still pretty fragile. I still wasn't sleeping properly. I still cried at the drop of a hat. Having a bit of time off work helped cut down on my stress but I still got sick and run down. And my eye was twitching almost constantly. (Of course lack of sleep and/or my caffeine addiction wouldn't help either!)<br />
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I had no choice as far as when the appointment would be. It was on an off-day at least but it started at 9 am. It was going to be a mad dash to get Michelle to school then race across town (driving within the speed limit of course! Nudge nudge wink wink...) to make it for 9 o'clock. Somehow I managed to do it, give or take 5 minutes. Unfortunately I arrived, went to the office and found it in darkness. I went to another unit/company in the building to ask her and she said "Oh I don't know. I've never seen anyone in that office!" Great. It was like the Twilight Zone. I started to second guess everything. Was I in the wrong place? (The door was labelled that it was a mental health office.) Was it the wrong day? (I had it in my calendar from when I got the call.) Man I must really be losing it! After a couple of calls on my cell I discovered that the therapist was just human and running late/stuck in traffic. It wasn't a huge office with a secretary. It was literally just a two room tiny office and until she unlocked it to see me there was no one there.<br />
"Thank God!" I said to her, "I thought I was going crazy!" At least not in THIS instance...<br />
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The therapist was very nice. She was a great listener (then again that's probably the main prerequisite in her profession!) It was a long appointment (2 hours!) but it flew by. I cried so much I looked like Alice Cooper. I told her about the stress -- my breakdown in late September but also the ongoing stress I've dealt with for years -- on the job, in my life, being a single Mom etc. She even asked questions about my childhood etc to get a sense of my background. I tried to give her the edited version of my life story. It was very therapeutic to get everything off my chest. It was also validating to have her say that anyone in my situation would be stressed. I had a lot on my shoulders (sometimes feels like the weight of the world!) and it's natural to feel overwhelmed. My stress/anxiety/depression was all situational. She advised that in addition to tools I'd been given by the counselor (breathing exercises etc) she would help me to manage the stress. I also should think about (like the Serenity Prayer says!) changing the things that I can change. My work/commute/life situation is not practical and it's killing me. I managed to get through the year somehow but it has been far from an ideal situation and I can't keep doing this.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O-T0lGoc_H4/WiBvscuCW3I/AAAAAAAAQsI/bfRCCiiyM6YK6UmK_Nvg7sv7ToHP0nGkACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4168.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1404" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O-T0lGoc_H4/WiBvscuCW3I/AAAAAAAAQsI/bfRCCiiyM6YK6UmK_Nvg7sv7ToHP0nGkACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4168.JPG" width="280" /></a>Of course as a creature of habit change -- even a change for the better -- is scary/stressful/unwelcome. Sometimes (aka always?) I'd almost rather stay in a bad situation than try to figure out a way out of it. I just keep hoping for a miracle/deus ex machina to solve everything. As Dr. Phil would say/ask"How's that working for you?" and the answer is "NOT VERY WELL!" LOL I'm not sure what I'm going to do next year. At this point I just try to take things one day at a time. I'm not sure what the answer is. Michelle is my #1 Priority. I will ALWAYS do what I believe is best for her regardless of the toll it may take on me. As the therapist tried to tell me however, if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of her, can I? She used the analogy of when you're on an airplane and they give you emergency instructions they tell mothers with children to put an oxygen mask on themselves FIRST and their children after. This made me cry for some reason. I said that it just feels wrong to me to ever put myself before Michelle. She said I can't feel guilty or selfish about taking care of me. I need to be OK to take care of her.<br />
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It's a maternal instinct to put your kids first. Even in the animal kingdom there are animals that will starve to feed their kids, will make any sacrifice to protect their young. For me that instinct kicked in the moment I found out I was pregnant. All of a sudden I wasn't living for myself anymore. I felt this all-encompassing feeling of love and protectiveness. As in the animal kingdom as well (in most cases though there are rare exceptions), the male didn't stick around. Mom is left to raise her young without help.<br />
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When I talk with other Moms (and Dads) it does strike me how much easier it is for couples. I try not to be resentful. (I've come to the realisation that I'm on Noah's Ark and everyone is coupled off two by two except me.) They still have their problems of course. Raising a child isn't easy period however at least they have each other. They have support. A second pair of hands and ears and a second wallet to pay the bills. It is much harder to be a single Mom. Especially in my situation with no input of any kind (financially or otherwise) from a father. It's all me. Between work and home, constantly on so little sleep and running on empty, it's easy to get burned out.<br />
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Having your mind full is not the same as being "mindful" -- quite the opposite. When your mind is full, you're overcome by thoughts (predominantly negative -- regrets of the past, dread for the future. Basically your mind is everywhere except in the present moment.) Mindfulness, on the other hand, is a practice of being in the moment and appreciating it -- focusing your attention on your experience through all of your senses. A lot of us are so distracted/stressed/overtired etc that we barely pay any attention to the moment we're in. We just worry about the moment we're trying to get to or what's already happened. When you make a point of focusing on the Now, it becomes more pleasant. Focus on your breath and you breathe easier. Focus on what you're eating and it tastes sweeter. But when you're over-scheduled etc you don't even notice how you're breathing. And you scarf down your food as fast as you can. And you tell yourself you're in a hurry and there's no time. And you feel more stressed.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Jig0qzdH2XM/WiBv0F7F7vI/AAAAAAAAQsU/XxJjrFt7LJcm-ekAe0JzRK9AJpa5ZQHQQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4171.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1314" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Jig0qzdH2XM/WiBv0F7F7vI/AAAAAAAAQsU/XxJjrFt7LJcm-ekAe0JzRK9AJpa5ZQHQQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4171.JPG" width="262" /></a>I remember hearing the Zen proverb: "You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes every day -- unless you're too busy -- and then you should sit for an hour." On the surface it sounds paradoxical but the point is that if you think you're too busy that's when you need it most because you're probably over-scheduled and stressed. Sometimes we need to slow down.<br />
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Michelle's school was having a series of Yoga nights. I couldn't make it for most of them but there was one on an off day called "Yoga: Finding Happiness through Mindfulness." It sounded like just what I needed and I thought it would be something nice to share with Michelle. It was still going to be tricky because it was on a day that I was supposed to head to my Mom's. The class ended at 8 pm which meant I wouldn't get to my Mom's until 9 pm but maybe Michelle would fall asleep in the car and it wouldn't be so bad?<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6OCCQdlUFxk/WiWpeTe3QPI/AAAAAAAAQss/go4H8VHcdQMaxn5ja2e5dEKkdWciBfloACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4173.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6OCCQdlUFxk/WiWpeTe3QPI/AAAAAAAAQss/go4H8VHcdQMaxn5ja2e5dEKkdWciBfloACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4173.JPG" width="240" /></a>So Michelle and I went. I tried to get her to look for a photo and she wilfully ignored me. Good for her actually, because the yoga instructor was talking to us about being "mindful" and I was too busy trying to get a photo op.<br />
Michelle 1<br />
Mama 0<br />
I did get the message and put the camera away.<br />
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The yoga instructor had us do some exercises to music which were both fun and exhausting! We were hopping like frogs and bending over like cows and I don't know what. Luckily by the time I was hyperventilating we got to sit down and rest. I sat in a full lotus and Michelle sat cross-legged. We took deep breaths. We did positive affirmations. "I am special. I am important." I started to tear up as I said these things because these are things I never say to myself. I managed to hold it together. I didn't want to embarrass myself. I realized I'm not very kind to myself and I need to be more often.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aM36elYPLds/WiWpVbUvrGI/AAAAAAAAQsk/3VVy14WDesYtEgOyT0HaPUXfcBwVf0k9ACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4175.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1311" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aM36elYPLds/WiWpVbUvrGI/AAAAAAAAQsk/3VVy14WDesYtEgOyT0HaPUXfcBwVf0k9ACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4175.JPG" width="260" /></a>Then the instructor read the kids a story about a blessing jar and they got to make their own blessing jar. It was a sweet story about a girl who was feeling grumpy until her Grandma made her look for things to be grateful about and she managed to fill a whole jar with things -- a seashell from the beach etc. While the kids made their blessing jar the teacher talked to us about the importance of teaching mindfulness to our children. We can teach children to be more calm, to not anger so easily. She talked about the amygdala (I'd already heard about it from the counselor so I knew it was the primitive brain responsible for the fight or flight response.) The yoga instructor called the amygdala "the barking dog." It just gets angry. It's an instant response, without thinking. She called the frontal cortex, the more rational part of the brain, the wise old owl. She said that sometimes the barking dog can scare the wise owl away. I thought of myself driving and getting angry in traffic. She said that we can teach children to take a breath and to react rationally rather than having a tantrum. (I was thinking "Teach my kid? <b>I </b>need to learn this!") She said she wished she'd known these things when her kids were younger. She told us that raising a child can be stressful but that we have to appreciate every moment because it all goes so fast. As she said that I nodded and my eyes welled up with tears. Unfortunately she noticed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you cry." I waved my hand as if to say "Don't mind me. Sentimental fool and I'm just hanging by a thread in general." It does go so fast. That's why I try to hold on with photos. But I also have to learn to relax, take a breath and enjoy the moment.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4GNpqwQ2YFw/WiWpgf0syLI/AAAAAAAAQs0/wSqZmYY0QXg5iM-0DlUU597kPZT4QVlZgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4177.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1166" data-original-width="1600" height="232" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4GNpqwQ2YFw/WiWpgf0syLI/AAAAAAAAQs0/wSqZmYY0QXg5iM-0DlUU597kPZT4QVlZgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4177.JPG" width="320" /></a>Then the instructor had some gifts for us: a feather. We were to focus on how soft it was. To close our eyes and just focus on the softness. She also gave us a clementine to eat and we were to focus on the sweetness. Michelle loved it and even wanted another one. I'd given up buying them for a while because she didn't like the "skin" and the "strings" on the orange pieces but this exercise made her love them again. Yay! I'm always happy when I can get her to eat something healthy without an argument.<br />
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I couldn't leave without getting a souvenir photo of our Mother-Daughter yoga evening. We were photo-bombed and someone offered to retake our photo but then Michelle was running amok with the other kids and I couldn't get her to sit still. I told the instructor afterward how much I'd enjoyed the experience and I was glad that we went, even though it wasn't easy. I still had to drive an hour now, at night, to my Mom's and then get up at 4 a.m. for dayshift. At least Michelle fell asleep so I carried her in. I got to bed early but my mind wouldn't shut down. I tried focusing on my breathing, thinking about feathers and clementines but it wasn't working. My mind is too full and I can't empty it. I just kept thinking. Worrying. About work. About money and Christmas and my life and the news and just everything. Just an endless stream of thoughts and when I try to stop them I can't. So I lay there and lay there. Then I finally fall asleep for a few minutes and Michelle wakes me up because she wants a glass of water and needs to go to the washroom. And then I can't get back to sleep. Finally I fall asleep at 3 a.m. and the alarm goes off at 4 a.m. to work dayshift. Then I work a 14 hour day and go through it all again. Welcome to my life... Sometimes by the second dayshift at least I'm so bone-tired and beyond exhausted that I can actually fall asleep. But other times I just lay there insomniac. Tired but unable to sleep. Like being thirsty in the middle of the ocean without any clean water to drink.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OPXZLF3vprI/WiWphN4m3qI/AAAAAAAAQs8/l1EzJsWQQE4znloP2kAgikqpq92pi3X3gCLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN4181.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OPXZLF3vprI/WiWphN4m3qI/AAAAAAAAQs8/l1EzJsWQQE4znloP2kAgikqpq92pi3X3gCLcBGAs/s320/RSCN4181.JPG" width="320" /></a>I hope that I can learn to listen more to the wise old owl than the barking dog, to not get so angry and upset about things. I still let things get to me. As they say "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff." I have so many pet peeves. Like why does the garbage collector have to throw my recycling boxes in the middle of my driveway so I have to stop my car in the middle of the road & move them out of the way so I can pull in (when most people have theirs on the boulevard/grass. Seriously. I'm starting to take it personally. I have a single car driveway so I can't pull in when you throw them there. Also the paper boy throws the paper in the middle of the driveway! I have driveway issues! LOL) Or why is there a woman who ALWAYS stands with her dog in the middle of the road having a conversation with a neighbour instead of just standing on the sidewalk (she does this EVERY SINGLE MORNING that I take Michelle to school. It makes my teeth itch. I want to say to her "Why the HELL are you standing in the road? Your dog is going to get run over!") Or the other day a guy in a pickup truck had a set of blue balls hanging off the back of the truck hitch. I couldn't help staring. It was so obnoxious it made me sick. They say you can't judge a book by its cover but you can when its balls are hanging out. And then there are the passive aggressive drivers who go as slow as they can until you try to pass them and then they speed up. Or the inconsiderate twit/psycho truck drivers who speed up to block you and don't let you merge from the on-ramp on the highway when you have no choice but to merge! But so what? Why do I let silly things bother me? What does it matter? I don't have to be the barking dog. I can be the wise owl. I can just calmly assess the situation without reacting. Right? I have to face the fact that I can not control the world. The world isn't perfect. Sh$% happens. People aren't perfect. Myself included. And people are simply not going to follow my code of conduct or my script. So let them be. They can act like a bonehead and it doesn't have to affect me personally. I can choose to say "So what?" Live and let live. Namaste.<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hqBWMkOAODA/WiWpgjrHyzI/AAAAAAAAQs4/VWBzeumrymsBmz_xJn99Hn2ai-DoE9-awCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4184.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1228" data-original-width="1538" height="254" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hqBWMkOAODA/WiWpgjrHyzI/AAAAAAAAQs4/VWBzeumrymsBmz_xJn99Hn2ai-DoE9-awCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4184.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle is only five years old but in some ways she's already more wise than I am. She is kind to people regardless of whether they're nice to her. She is friendly with everyone. She shrugs things off. She focuses on the positive. She is filled with love and joy and believes that the world is a beautiful, magical place filled with adventure. There is so much that I could learn from her. Don't get me wrong. She still has her moments. She can be moody when she's overtired too. But she always goes back to being my sweet angel. I wish my outlook was that bright. I wish I had her energy and enthusiasm. Unfortunately I'm usually on so little sleep and feeling depleted so it's harder. I've also had some stressful, heart-breaking, disillusioning life experiences knock the wind out of my sails so it's a lot harder to believe in magic...<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1wpLrCJa84U/WiWpbrcfVQI/AAAAAAAAQso/U-NEflxq5HoO2u6W_5gBbmqwnGpeJL-OgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN4172.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1108" data-original-width="1600" height="221" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1wpLrCJa84U/WiWpbrcfVQI/AAAAAAAAQso/U-NEflxq5HoO2u6W_5gBbmqwnGpeJL-OgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN4172.JPG" width="320" /></a>Still I let Michelle believe in magic. She wrote a letter to Santa and I let her mail it herself.<br />
Santa Claus<br />
North Pole<br />
H0H 0H0<br />
She was excited. "Do you think he'll write back to me?"<br />
"He might," I suggested, "but he's very busy!"<br />
I still think my Mom should have let me have that bit of magic as a kid. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus and I know that's the true meaning of Christmas but Saint Nick makes it that much more exciting. You have the rest of your life to be a cynical adult. Why not enjoy the magic while you're a kid?<br />
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So there you go! We got through October and November. And I got through this blog post somehow! Forgive me if there are mistakes or I repeat myself numerous times. I wrote chunks at a time here and there so it's not exactly cohesive. I had to carve out time where I could. (Which is always tricky!) Editing is the hardest part so I just avoided it! LOL This blog helps me in a way. It is a form of therapy. It helps me process everything I'm going through and try to create something positive out of it. So I want to keep doing it. And it always strikes me when I look at the stats and see people from all over the world reading it. Thank you for being one of them! October and November, even the rough parts, flew by. Now we're into December which is insane! Time just goes way too fast. I swear someone is pushing the fast forward button. It will be Christmas before we know it. 2017 was a rough year but we survived it and it's almost over! I really hope that better days are ahead in 2018. My next post likely won't be until January or February so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! If you celebrate them! Otherwise Happy Hannukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice etc whatever you're into! Wishing love, peace and happiness to all!Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-82973322458246147652017-10-24T10:14:00.002-04:002017-11-29T12:17:51.276-05:00Before the Fall...<br />
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...and then August was gone. Within seconds. Poof! Summer was over. Blink and you'd have missed it. We were into September. As I write this post (in September and likely October before I'm done) I can hardly believe it but then life is speeding by and Summer was certainly no exception.<br />
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Part of it is just being so busy. My work schedule is nuts to say the least. My hours were doubled at the start of the year. Financially it was a godsend but physically and mentally it was extremely taxing! Back in January I didn't know how I'd survive it with my commute and everything -- back and forth to my Mom's and work and school, driving all over hell's half acre on top of the long shifts I work. Somehow though, I made it to September. And it went so quickly. Even the tough days. Time doesn't just fly when you're having fun. Life is a roller coaster full of ups and downs and going WAY too fast.<br />
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Since I'd been working so much and we were barely home (and on the days when I was off I usually had planned an excursion for us) I realized Michelle hadn't ridden her bike in a while.<br />
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Of course you never forget how to ride a bike, especially when you have training wheels. Michelle was excited to ride her bike until we had gone around the block and she started saying her legs were too tired to go on. I wasn't buying it. This from a girl who is in perpetual motion, who runs around the yard non-stop, who's like a friggin Energizer bunny on cocaine! I told her she had no choice but to keep going anyway since we were almost home, it would take longer to walk than ride and I wasn't about to carry or drag her bike back with us. We made it back home. I may try taking the training wheels off next year but definitely not yet when she has a hard enough time WITH the training wheels.<br />
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One of Michelle's birthday presents (from me) was a children's Scrabble game. One day when we were home I asked what she wanted to do and she wanted to play Scrabble. She loved it. I let her win because that's what I do! It's obviously a much simpler version of the game since it's made for kids. It's funny because both her father and I loved playing Scrabble. He was one of the only boyfriends I had that could actually beat me in a war of words (and he was quite proud of himself when he did! Especially since I have a B.A. Specialist in English and graduated with honours.) Scrabble was actually part of the reason I even dated her father at all. While other guys I met online were trying to get me into bed, he said he wanted to "beat me at Scrabble!" Which was cute and I accepted the challenge. (Ironically aside from board games he obviously got me into bed as well! And I'm very grateful he did or Michelle wouldn't exist! LOL. Appeal to my mind and the body follows!) It does seem that Michelle inherited our love of words. She loves reading/writing and word games. She does word searches as well at Grandma's house.<br />
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Although my hectic work schedule was unavoidable I felt bad leaving her so much and tried to have as much quality time with Michelle as possible. I tried to make it up to her by taking her fun places on my days off. I usually let her choose where she wanted to go. At one point Michelle complained about us driving so much. She was getting fed up with the commute back and forth to Grandma's. That instantly ruled out one of the fun adventures I'd been planning -- Canada's Wonderland -- because it's a VERY long drive. Also a VERY long wait in line at each of the rides. I told her if she couldn't tolerate a long drive then we wouldn't be going. In a way I was relieved because it's expensive and a lot of waiting that tries my patience as well. I miss Wonderland but the fact is I wouldn't even be able to go on my favourite rollercoasters (the scary ones!) with Michelle. Maybe I'll wait till she's old enough (or tall enough!) to go on the really fun coasters!<br />
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For now we set our sights a little lower. And it doesn't take much to please Michelle. She was thrilled just to go to McDonalds' Play Place. She makes friends everywhere she goes. She had a ball running around with the kids and playing hide and seek and going on the slides with them. At one point she was playing with one boy when another older boy came and she started playing with him instead. The first boy in a fit of jealousy yelled at Michelle "I don't like you anymore!" I looked at her face. For a second I was afraid she'd get upset but then she just made a face, shrugged her shoulders and went on. I was proud of her. I told her it's a good attitude to have if someone is rude to you just shrug it off. Don't let it get to you. Kids were coming and going but I let Michelle play to her heart's content. Then we got our food to go afterwards.<br />
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Ever since her birthday Michelle was going on about how she wanted to get together with her best friend for a play date. So we arranged a play date and Michelle went over to her friend's house. She had a ball! Her friend has two sisters, two dogs and a KITTEN to play with so needless to say, Michelle was thrilled.<br />
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Being a control freak it is always a little hard leaving Michelle (other than school and the odd birthday party I have NEVER left her with anyone.) It was only for a few hours and she had a great time. Her friend's Mom said she was a doll and she's welcome any time. At one point she called to ask if I minded her taking the kids for ice cream. I said no of course not. Right after there was a terrible thunderstorm. I started to panic. Of course I drive in thunderstorms all the time but when it's someone else driving with her... They were fine, naturally. I was relieved when I could pick her up though. It was pouring rain when I got out of the car. Of course it was.<br />
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Photoholic that I am I had to get some pictures of Michelle and the kitten when I came to pick her up. This shot is my favourite! I LOVE THIS PHOTO!!!<br />
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It's so cute it makes my cheeks hurt! I got the kitten to look by making a kissing noise. That kitten is just too adorable for words! I love Michelle's sweet Mona Lisa half smile too! And their blue eyes! Honestly I could stare at this photo all day! LOL It's my happy place. If there is anything on the planet cuter than kittens and kids then I don't know what!<br />
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Michelle didn't want to leave so I figured I'd take advantage and snap some pictures while I was there anyway. I'm so glad that I did. This is gold, baby!<br />
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As I've probably mentioned on occasion, I can be a bit of a gloomy Gus. Eeyore is my spirit animal. People at work were teasing me about how I always have a little storm cloud over my head (like in the cartoons where the dark cloud hovers over just one poor schlep and the skies are clear for everyone else.) Not just figuratively. Literally it seems like the sun will be shining until I step outside and it starts to rain on me (this has happened often enough that it's hard not to take it personally.) So one day I was heading out on my lunch break from work and they had been calling for rain so I figured there was a pretty good chance of getting soaked. Even knowing this I didn't have the foresight to bring my raincoat or an umbrella. I went outside and it was a bit overcast but OK. I made it to the car without getting rained on so that was a plus.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Ap3FragePM/Wbgdjs4JC4I/AAAAAAAAPNU/jAK9VtLaVZIiIFpNzhh7phn7nCDMntu0ACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0680.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1388" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Ap3FragePM/Wbgdjs4JC4I/AAAAAAAAPNU/jAK9VtLaVZIiIFpNzhh7phn7nCDMntu0ACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0680.JPG" width="277" /></a>Normally I have my windows up and the A/C on when it's 30 degrees and humid but there was a bit of a cool breeze so I just kept the window down. I was at a red light near the mall when all of a sudden I was getting drenched inexplicably! Like it was raining INSIDE THE CAR! "WTF?!" I'm pretty exhausted and half asleep most of the time on dayshift (like a zombie on no sleep) so it took me a second to register what was happening. I rolled the window up and yelled "WTF?!" only to see this complete a-hole in a white pickup truck next to me giving me a greasy smile. "You f-ing CREEP!" I said and let him pull ahead when the light turned green so I could take down his license plate. The door to the back was down and the truck was full of construction gear. I guess he was a contractor. I still managed to get the plate. Not that much could be done anyway about a drive by H2O shooting.<br />
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I guess I should be thankful he just shot me with a water gun and not a real gun (because sometimes that happens!) So yeah, it wasn't life-threatening but it was annoying AF. My whole left side from head to waist was wet. I was MAD. I dried off my glasses and tried to dry out my hair a bit with napkins I had in the glove compartment. It must have been a water machine gun because it was a LOT of water just in those couple of seconds. I don't know what on Earth this creep was trying to prove but I was NOT impressed. I guess if I was a laid-back, easy-going gal I might have laughed and said "Thanks for cooling me off!" (If it isn't already ABUNDANTLY CLEAR -- I AM NOT A LAID-BACK, EASY-GOING GAL!)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zYGoTy_j_k8/WbgdlqB9NxI/AAAAAAAAPNc/ax7z_R2OjWIn6HHbx71Z9V-krZNlieeuQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0681.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1315" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zYGoTy_j_k8/WbgdlqB9NxI/AAAAAAAAPNc/ax7z_R2OjWIn6HHbx71Z9V-krZNlieeuQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0681.JPG" width="262" /></a>Oddly when I told my Mom the story later, instead of having any sympathy for me she asked "Was he cute?"<br />
"WHAT?! No he wasn't CUTE! He looked like an uglier version of Mike Holmes from Holmes on Homes. Like a big old light haired beady eyed freak! And that slimeball smile was GROSS! Anyway how is that RELEVANT?! If anyone shot me with a water gun unexpectedly I'd be mad! Even if he looked like Ryan Gosling!" (Though in fairness, if it was Ryan Gosling I MAY have forgiven him! LOL)<br />
"Well maybe he was just trying to get your attention," my Mom suggested.<br />
"If that's his pick-up technique -- 'Hey you look hot, cool off!' -- it's an EPIC FAIL because I did NOT find it charming or funny and I mostly just wanted to punch him in the face! Stupid a-hole!"<br />
To me it made no sense. I couldn't see it being road rage because I hadn't cut anyone off or anything. And why did he smile at me? The whole thing was just creepy and weird. In retrospect, considering he had construction supplies and looked like Holmes on Homes maybe it WAS! But I doubt he'd behave so abominably. I might have gotten his photo or autograph though...<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oeaC12bfVNA/WbgdrhqqDRI/AAAAAAAAPNg/Mr0xATp5cb8yTCTnOCMcJUacveUD-nyIgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0692.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HcvIDqZ4qyc/Wbgdx0hJWRI/AAAAAAAAPNk/zFtelqy-HoolL973XlAK4fC7qINqgO_CQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0693.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HcvIDqZ4qyc/Wbgdx0hJWRI/AAAAAAAAPNk/zFtelqy-HoolL973XlAK4fC7qINqgO_CQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0693.JPG" width="240" /></a>Anyway after that bizarre incident I was paranoid and kept<br />
my car window rolled up! Especially if there was a car in the left lane beside me at a red light. After spending some time in the mall I was mostly dry. Ironically when I stepped outside to head back to work, it STARTED TO RAIN. Of course it did. "Are you f-ing KIDDING ME?! I JUST DRIED OFF from my drive by watering and now you RAIN ON ME?! Nice." (Yes I talk to the sky because why not? I have to vent to someone.) I wound up telling them my tale of woe at work. When I got back to my desk my boss had put an Oreo blizzard on it for me. Ice cream to cure a bad day? It works! Faith in humanity restored. But you can see how I'm not making it up: That rain cloud over my head can even be INSIDE the car! What are the odds?! This sh$# could only happen to me.<br />
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Michelle and her cousin Evie have birthdays around the same time. Every year in early August we all get together for a big family beach day/birthday party at Wasaga Beach. I always look forward to it, even though it's a bit of a drive. The second we got there the clouds were dark and it was starting to rain. I got a few drops on me. "No, please not today!" and the heavens were merciful for once. It was beautiful the rest of the day.<br />
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Everyone was so relaxed they didn't want to get up to pose for the obligatory group shot but I wouldn't take no for an answer as you can see!<br />
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And the rule of the self-timer is, you take a second shot just in case the first one didn't turn out.<br />
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There's rarely a perfect shot where everyone is looking and smiling but I settle for what I can get. They may grumble about it and not feel like posing but I love these big group shots. The Pincivero clan is a big gang and I love it. Michelle and I are a tiny family but it's nice to have this larger network to get together with.<br />
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I love this shot of Michelle and her cousin Kayla. They are about the same size even though Kayla is years older. Uncle Mikey often gives us a bag of clothes Kayla has outgrown. This time he also gave us a few toys -- little toy computers/games that Kayla is getting too old for. Michelle was happy with them.<br />
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Michelle had a ball playing with her cousins. After the beach we headed back to Uncle Mike's for a BBQ. Michelle had a blast playing in the backyard too with their swingset and a new TRAMPOLINE!<br />
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Yes I couldn't resist trying out the trampoline myself. The last time I tried one was years ago and was kind of disastrous since I was sharing it with a few people who were heavier than me and consequently catapulted me around like a child's toy. I had wanted to try it on my own but Michelle insisted on coming with me so I was limited in how hard/high I could jump because I didn't want to send her flying (even with the net there.) Here we're actually holding hands and jumping very lightly together. I was surprised how much of a workout it was jumping! It hurt my chest too... A sport bra would have come in handy.<br />
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Uncle Mike couldn't make it to Michelle's birthday so he gave her her present at Evie's party. She adored the huge grey kitty beanie boo.<br />
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Michelle has a very large collection of stuffies, including many stuffed cats of all colours, but she doesn't have too many that are this size! It was very cute. I wondered if she'd want to bring it everywhere with her like she often does with her new stuffies (in the car etc.) It would be a bit of a challenge since it was almost as big as she was.<br />
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Evie wound up getting a large stuffed dog as well. Michelle and I are mostly cat people (though Michelle loves dogs as well I explained why we can never have one. They're just WAY too high maintenance and we're not home enough.)<br />
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I love this shot of the girls in their little playhouse/slide. So cute.<br />
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Michelle doesn't see her cousins Evie and Kayla too often (usually just a few times a year. She often mixes up their names -- calling Evie Kayla and vice versa.) Michelle is notoriously bad with names. Worse than me. I remember when she started kindergarten and she didn't even know her best friend's name that she played with every day for weeks!<br />
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As expected, Michelle wanted to carry her new massive beanie boo kitty around with her. It was a challenge at bedtime because the cat took up almost as much room as another person and the bed is crowded enough as it is. Yes I am STILL co-sleeping with Michelle. I was hoping as she became increasingly independent in other ways that it would lead to her wanting her own room but no such luck. I'm not going to force the issue. She can leave when she's ready. I had terrible night terrors as a child and I was left to fend for myself. I always want her to feel safe and loved.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tahHSkud37Q/WbghnGrjRtI/AAAAAAAAPQs/bGQqUKVl3Nsy-aFArhZDfRbRVqsIVIBvQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1306" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tahHSkud37Q/WbghnGrjRtI/AAAAAAAAPQs/bGQqUKVl3Nsy-aFArhZDfRbRVqsIVIBvQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0910.JPG" width="261" /></a>There were changes happening at work in August. It was a change for the better because we moved to a new building while the old one (which was falling apart and EXTREMELY NOISY with construction going on) was being renovated. Still, even a change for the better can be stressful when you're a creature of habit. The first shift in our new digs, with new phones and computers I felt a bit like a fish out of water trying to get used to things being different. Before long though I was happy with a new room and WITH A VIEW (huge windows instead of the tiny dungeon-like windows we had before.) Without saying where I work (because even though I reveal so much about my life I have to keep some things private here) I spend a lot of time there, with long shifts, so having it be a nicer atmosphere helps. My long commute became a bit shorter as well which is nice. (But I still drive A LOT and usually on no sleep. It's not easy. It's actually excruciating much of the time!)<br />
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Another day, another trip to Play Place. It's free, she loves it and it's an excuse to eat at McDonalds. When I was a kid my Mom NEVER took us to McDonalds. I was always so jealous of other kids who got to go. So now I go whenever I feel like it and it's a treat for Michelle too. Once again Michelle had an absolute blast running and playing on the slides. And again of course she made new friends. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be social and to talk to strangers and turn them into friends everywhere you go. But I just can't relate to it. I was a shy kid. I'm a shy adult. Being social just isn't my thing. I would NEVER randomly approach a stranger. So unless someone happens to approach me, we will never meet.<br />
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Ironically I have over 10,000 followers on Twitter now! It's different online. I can say anything when it's just words on a screen. Actual face to face human interaction is scarier.<br />
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One day we went to Toys R Us to spend the gift card Michelle got for her birthday. She had fun picking out things to buy with her own money. Of course she admired the $300 pink car again and I reminded her that until/unless we win the lottery -- not a chance.<br />
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My girl can be quite a Diva. Sometimes she doesn't want her photo taken. Other times she's striking poses like there's no tomorrow. She started parading around the yard doing a catwalk strut and flipping her hair. I can't imagine when she's a teenager. I AM DOOMED! I love this shot of her flipping her hair though!<br />
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Michelle loves to dance around the yard and perform for me. I found this ribbon wand at the dollar store and she loved it. I got several pictures of her dancing around with it.<br />
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She wants to take ballet lessons. It was one of my dreams as a child. I definitely want to put her in dance it's just going to be tough with my hectic schedule. As well as financially. I'll do what I can though. I don't want her to miss out the way I did.<br />
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One day we were home and I'd just mowed the lawn when I thought, why don't we run through the sprinkler? Michelle screamed with glee. Even the simple things can make her happy. Unfortunately I wound up having a bit of an accident. I always get photos of everything. I set the camera on a chair and accidentally knocked it on to the cement when I went to grab a towel. "OH NO!" it cracked open, made a noise and the screen went black. My heart sank. There are few (make that NO) possessions as dear to me as my Nikon! I take it with me everywhere. Even though the lens is scratched and I should replace it I'm attached to it and reluctant to let go. I started to panic. I figured I'd have to go buy a new camera (I can't be without a camera! Especially when we had plans to go to the lake with Auntie May the next day.) I managed to snap the camera back together, replaced the battery and said a little prayer that it would be OK. To my amazement it worked again! I kissed it and promised not to drop it on cement again. I've had bad luck with cameras. They usually only last 3 years before they break down or suffer some horrible fate (a stranger dropping my Canon on cement in Montreal, my old Nikon soaked by Sprite on a tour bus in the Dominican Republic, etc.)<br />
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Another one of Michelle's favourite activities is making crafts -- especially ones full of glitter, jewels, feathers -- the messier the better! I find it fun too although it is hard on my back sitting on the floor and the clean-up is never fun. Michelle is never as keen on cleaning up as she is in making the mess unfortunately! We made glitter bears, hearts and cats. I get most of the supplies from the dollar store. Usually I'm covered in glitter for the rest of the day and I keep finding it all over the place. Like sand, only prettier.<br />
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There had been a lot of rain. My brother told us that Burlington Beach (where we used to go swimming) was GONE. The water levels had risen and there was no sand left. When we went to Gulliver's Lake we found that it too had changed. The sand was gone and they had put a barrier around the lake. My sister told us there had been a drowning there a couple of weeks earlier which gave me the creeps. Of course drownings can happen anywhere. I'm always careful with Michelle. I watch her like a hawk and she has her life jacket and floatie lion to stay afloat.<br />
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Here we are with the rainbow unicorn that Michelle picked out and bought herself at Toys R Us with her gift card. She has a collection of unicorns (as well as bears, cats, you name it) but of course the rainbow unicorns are the best.<br />
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Here it looks like she's almost poking me in the eye with it. There's another pony in the background as well. Sometimes our cat Ali will sit on the stairs and pose with us but let's be honest, cats don't do what you want them to unless it's entirely their idea. So the stuffed animals are a better choice. Even when their rainbow horns poke you in the eye.<br />
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When Michelle was a baby I got so many pictures of her sleeping. 1. Because babies nap during the day (sometimes) and 2. because she looked like an angel and I couldn't resist an Anne Geddes moment! I hadn't taken a picture of her sleeping in a while but seeing her hugging her unicorn was too sweet for words. She is still my little angel. Of course she always will be, even when she's 30 years old. If I'm still alive by then! (The way I've been feeling lately I sometimes wonder if I'll last out the year never mind decades from now!) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Unless of course, it kills you.<br />
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On the last day of school Michelle's teacher told us we could pop by and visit her at her Summer job at a home decor store. One day I asked Michelle what she wanted to do and she wanted to see her teacher so we went.<br />
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Michelle was so excited and happy to see her and the store was so beautiful! I wanted everything in it! I settled for a beautiful scent (which can be used as a perfume or a room spray) called Baltic Amber. I just LOVE IT! The store was so cool. Michelle was excited to see her teacher. As we were nearing the end of the Summer Michelle was actually looking forward to going back to school (which was good because if she was dreading it, it would have been even harder for me to deal with. I was depressed enough about Summer ending.)<br />
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Michelle was also excited to show her teacher the book that she'd finished. It was a book she'd started working on in school -- an ambitious comic style book about a superhero and villain "Bug Girl and the Amazing Flower Girl." She was so proud to show her teacher that she'd finished the whole book and that it had a happy ending -- the enemies wind up being friends.<br />
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I'm so proud of Michelle -- how clever and imaginative and talented she is; how sweet and loving and kind she is. Her teacher is proud of her too. Michelle was happy that she would have the same teachers again in September for Senior Kindergarten. That's just how they do it now -- you're two years in the same class for junior and senior kindergarten. Presumably you do different things each year...I think a lot of it is free play but I can't be sure because it was always like pulling teach to get Michelle to talk about what she did in school!<br />
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Out of the bag of Kayla's hand me downs from Uncle Mike, Michelle's favourite outfit was this Zoo Keeper's shirt. The perfect thing to wear to the zoo! I also had this dress with safari animals on it. (It's hard to make it out in the photos.)<br />
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I couldn't believe the Summer was almost over and we hadn't even been to the Zoo yet! But there were so many other things I wanted to do. I had a list of things to cross off. We managed to do most of them except Wonderland but then Michelle decided she didn't want any more long drives anyway.<br />
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We picked a day where it wasn't too hot and humid for a lot of walking and set off to the zoo. With a blue leopard in tow. (He waited in the car.)<br />
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Trying to get her goat! The baby goats were SO cute! And I couldn't resist getting a selfie of us with a couple of goats. One of them is even looking RIGHT at the camera! Bonus!<br />
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Taking pictures really is my happy place. I live for cute photo ops so I was absolutely in my glory at the zoo! I was happy that my camera had survived the incident. I wasn't even sure where to shop for a camera anymore if I had to replace it. I mean, I'm a little behind the times (and by a little I mean for example I still have an i-Phone <b>4</b>. And like it's gone up to i-Phone 8 now. Actually there's even an i-Phone X for over $1K. So like the poor i-Phone 8 is already obsolete? Forced obsolescence at warp speed now! They even have facial recognition instead of a home button?! This is some Brave New World sh$% here. I'm resistant to technology. But I'm rambling....) Most people don't have old school "cameras" anymore. Their phone is their camera. I can't even take photos on my i-Phone 4 anymore (Apple deliberately upgraded to screw over dinosaurs like me. I started getting a white screen of death and basically can't take photos with it anymore. So I stopped Instagram too.) I don't plan to buy a new fangled phone. And I wouldn't want my phone to be my camera anyway. I take way too many photos. I like being able to get SD cards and fill them up and then get a new one.<br />
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Michelle and me and zebra makes 3. He's sort of looking from behind the fence. I propped the camera up on a fence across the way, set the timer and ran. Thankfully most people hear me counting, spot the camera and stay out of its path (sometimes people are clueless though and blunder right into the shot. They don't know. And I get it. Most people just do the cellphone selfie thing not the timer thing.)<br />
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Michelle loves the creature show. She's fearless. When they come around with the creatures for kids to check them out, Michelle is always right in there to touch the different animals/reptiles. I think this guy was called a "skink" which is weird and sounds made up. It looked like a lizard or something to me but whatever. I told Michelle not to touch her face after touching these animals because who knows what could be on them? (Some frogs sweat pure LSD. You just never know.) Thankfully they had antibacterial gel nearby to wash your hands with afterwards.<br />
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Tigers are so powerful and beautiful. I wanted to get closer but the zoo had it blocked off so you couldn't get too close. Luckily with my zoom lens I was right in there to see his (or her?) handsome face. To me cats, whether they're house cats or wild cats, are the most beautiful perfect creatures on earth.<br />
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I was hoping to get one where he looked right at me but I was glad to at least get one where he was awake. Cats, even the big ones, nap a lot of the day!<br />
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Michelle's favourite part of the day was feeding grass to the deer. She would have stayed there all day long if she had her way. I had to keep going to find long grass so she could stick it through the fence. I was happy to snap photos of her feeding them but eventually I did have to tear her away from them so we could see the rest of the zoo.<br />
"More grass Mama!"<br />
There were people feeding bags of seed but the deer seemed just as happy (or happier) with the grass. All the grass inside their cage had been eaten. The grass really IS greener on the other side of the fence in their case! LOL<br />
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Gracias for the grass wee lass!<br />
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The deer were so cute. Michelle feeding them was even cuter. She wanted to keep feeding them and I was happy to keep snapping photos of it. Other people were buying bags of feed to feed them but they seemed just as happy (or happier) with the grass so we went that route. Their enclosure was dirt covered so it looked like they'd grazed all the grass there.<br />
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Maybe I should have a deer to eat my lawn so I wouldn't have to mow it! (I'm sort of kidding!)<br />
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My wee monkey!<br />
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Yes I can't resist a cheesy photo op so I made Michelle pose with her face in the cutout. I wanted to get one with both of us but there wasn't really anywhere to place the camera for a self-timed shot. (They'd moved a nearby picnic table where I sat the camera last time.)<br />
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It's a bit of an awkward strained smile but it somehow suits the monkey face!<br />
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Michelle had fun playing in the playground as well. She ALWAYS winds up making new little friends.<br />
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Posing with a camel and he even looked at us at one point! Then it was back to the deer again... Oh deer! Michelle would have stayed there the rest of her life if I'd let her. At one point a deer was coughing the way the cat does when she eats grass and I started to think maybe we shouldn't be feeding them grass? No one stopped us though.<br />
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One last shot with the zebra and we were out of there. It was a fun but exhausting day walking around the zoo. I was glad that we got to go. It was one of the things I'd wanted to do through the Summer and we were so busy with other things we never got around to it. I was thankful it wasn't too hot of a day so it wasn't too unbearable walking around in the heat all day. Other days with the humidity we would have collapsed (we saved those days for the beach/pool!)<br />
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Another ritual/event we attend every year/season is visiting the Princess Margaret Hospital Foundation Dream home. We usually dress up to go because when you're visiting a million dollar home you might as well dress for the occasion. Michelle and I wore blue dresses as you can see. Michelle loves dressing up so she was game and I like dressing up now and then. This blue floral dress was one I had ordered online -- I fell in love with it when I saw it. It was a little different in person but I was still happy with it.<br />
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Unfortunately we had to walk quite a long way from the designated parking area to the house. Grandma wasn't thrilled.<br />
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Michelle and me in front of our new house (hopefully! If and when we win it!) It was beautiful. Of course. They always are. We always go and get a ticket because how often do you get to see and possibly win a million dollar home. The money also goes to a good cause -- cancer research at Princess Margaret Hospital. So it's win-win. Although, all these years buying tickets I have yet to win anything. My mom won a small prize once. I keep hoping my luck's got to change at some point. Though even if I won the house could I afford the taxes to live there?! (I'd probably have to sell it but it'd be nice to stay there for a little while at least!)<br />
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Gorgeous. I LOVED how it was decorated. Absolutely beautiful. Contemporary decor in muted colours -- greys and taupes. Stunning. They are always beautifully decorated and they come fully furnished if you win it -- what you see is what you get! There were a lot of other people going through but I managed to get a couple of self-timed shots without photo bombers. Most people were respectful and stayed out of the way!<br />
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Bedroom to die for! I loved the oversized headboard (even if it was a little like a padded cell! LOL Some days I almost feel like I belong in one anyway.) This bright white room bathed in light was such a happy place. I could imagine waking up smiling here. In my fantasies I would just relax in bed and have nothing to worry about (sure! Could happen! Maybe if I win the lottery AND the Dream Home Lottery!)<br />
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Yes. I could use a punching bag. This blue punching dummy was kind of creepy but in a way he's the perfect man -- he has a good head on his shoulders, lets you use and abuse him and doesn't complain! And he wouldn't be after one thing because he doesn't even have a bottom half! LOL (Truly though he does sort of give me the creeps so I might have to sell him on Kijiji or something...) Michelle started punching him until she got in trouble from one of the staff there. Oops.<br />
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My funny girl dancing around the bedroom. She loved the house too.<br />
"Mama can we LIVE HERE?!"<br />
"Sure baby. We just have to WIN it first!"<br />
If only.<br />
"There's so much room to dance around!"<br />
Yes. So much room and so beautiful. It's hard to imagine being sad in that house. Until you look at your bills I guess. They say money can't buy happiness but I'd be happy if I NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN! Am I right?!<br />
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And then we headed back to Grandma's house where Michelle danced around the backyard.<br />
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She wants to take ballet lessons and I don't want to let her down because it was one of my dreams as a kid and I never got to do it. It will be tricky though trying to work in lessons with my insane work schedule, school and everything else. I will find a way though. Dreams are too important. And I think Michelle could be a great dancer. My little drama queen. She is so expressive in so many ways -- as an artist, writer, singer, dancer. I don't know where she gets it from... LOL Ok, yes it's in our blood. I love all those things too.<br />
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And then Michelle wore herself out and rested on my lap on the swing for a moment. I LOVE this picture! She looks so sweet and her eyes are as blue as her dress. I love my sweet angel. I'm so grateful for her. As chaotic as my life can be and is lately when I have a moment to be with her and just take a breath I am so happy. She is what keeps me going. It's not easy. It is worth it. I just wish I could give her the world. I do the best I can with what I have.<br />
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I had to work the day of the total eclipse. I called my Mom to make sure she didn't let Michelle outside because I was afraid she'd look at the sky and hurt her eyes. I know that being told NOT to do something sometimes just makes it that much more tempting, especially when you're a kid and you may not fully understand the dangers/consequences of your actions. My Mom made sure Michelle didn't go out that afternoon. I remember as a kid hearing about the eclipse and I was so tempted to look but I didn't.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sgVzM8wMS-g/WewQ4nClylI/AAAAAAAAP7E/ZloVTvlxmaUlDKW02EU0aF46xDOowAqowCLcBGAs/s1600/not%2Btoo%2Bbright.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="934" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sgVzM8wMS-g/WewQ4nClylI/AAAAAAAAP7E/ZloVTvlxmaUlDKW02EU0aF46xDOowAqowCLcBGAs/s320/not%2Btoo%2Bbright.jpg" width="249" /></a>Ironically, the President (supposed to be a grown man but acts like a child) didn't heed warnings not to look at the eclipse and there were even photos of him staring up at the eclipse WITHOUT the protective eye wear that he'd been given! I LOVED this headline from the Daily News: "Not Too Bright!" It was perfect! The sun may be bright but Trump is definitely NOT. An imbecile who impulsively tweets from a golden toilet. A selfish scam-artist, admitted sexual predator, White Supremacist The most embarrassing unpresidential President EVER.) Let's face it, Trump is like a big defiant child so you can't exactly tell him what to do or not to do. Hopefully they impeach him before he blows up the world. He and Kim Jong-un (another childish narcissist) have gotten into a battle of words -- #DotardTrump vs #RocketMan and threatening to nuke each other. Hoping that Mueller can sort out the whole #RussiaGate thing and get Trump out before he does too much more damage...<br />
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My favourite Summer destination is the beach. It is my happy place. Michelle loves it too. So we made another trip to Port Dover beach and parked ourselves under a palm tree. It's as close as I get to a tropical destination these days. I love relaxing on the warm sand. It's one of the few times I actually do get to just SIT AND RELAX while Michelle plays.<br />
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Michelle wanted to go in the water but I told her not to go further than her legs. It was too cold anyway and she doesn't like seaweed so she was happy just to stay near the shore.<br />
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She had wanted to bring her floatie lion but I forgot it so at least I had a good excuse not to let her go into the water. I'm always worried about it being polluted as well though there always seem to be brave souls out there swimming without worrying about it.<br />
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Leave it to Michelle to make a little friend. Any time she sees a child her age (or a bit younger or older) she asks if she can go up and talk to them. Most of the time they're very receptive. I'm still in awe of her bravery -- I could NEVER do it in a million years! She'll just go up to someone and say "Hi I'm Michelle! What's your name? Do you want to play?" It's too cute for words. I know part of it is just her nature -- she's a Leo, confident, a leader and a social butterfly. I am happy for her that she's able to do that and has no problem making friends. I tend to be the opposite -- somewhat anti-social, shy and reserved. I am usually friendly with someone once they approach me but I will never be the one to do the approaching! I tend to just keep to myself. It always makes me cringe a little when Michelle wants to go up to strangers (if someone walks by with a dog etc.)<br />
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And then Michelle was thrilled. She made friends with an older girl WITH A DOG!<br />
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Michelle would love to have a dog but she understands that logistically it's just an impossibility for us. We're not home enough. A cat is different. Cats are independent. Dogs are extremely dependent. They need a LOT of attention. They can't be left alone for a whole day.<br />
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Our cat Ali is pretty good. She's pretty self-sufficient but she's always glad to see us when we get back. She's OK with her litterbox and endless food and water bowls. The only thing is that occasionally she'll urinate on a mat in the basement and I have to throw it out. (I'm not sure if that's her retaliation for being left when I have to work etc.)<br />
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Michelle loves the sand. Though in some ways she's a Princess and loves to dress up, she can also be quite un-princess like and doesn't mind getting dirty. She will lay in the sand and have it all stuck to her (because I always cover her in sunblock!) It will be in her hair and everything. And then it's everywhere. The car. The house. I keep finding sand. I don't mind though. I love the beach. Might as well take some of it with us. I even have little bottles of souvenir sand from some of the beaches I've been to -- Samana, Dominican Republic and Daytona Beach, Florida.<br />
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Michelle wanted to be buried in the sand. When I bury her I usually turn her legs into a mermaid tail but her new friend wasn't quite as creative so she just created a mountain of sand over her legs. Michelle laughed and laughed as she got buried and then wiggled free of it.<br />
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I love this picture of her laughing in the sand. Even though it wasn't so funny trying to get all the sand out of her hair in the bath later that night...<br />
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I tried to tell Michelle we should only go to the indoor playground on a cold or rainy day because if it's nice out we could go to a park or something outside and enjoy the weather. But sometimes she really wanted to go to the indoor playground and I just wanted to make her happy. Other times it would rain and Michelle would be excited we'd have an excuse to go. She loves running around and playing and I like getting photos of her. I do stress out sometimes when she disappears from view.<br />
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She insisted on going down the slide face first at one point and I was worried she was going to face plant on the mat at the bottom, but she didn't. I love this picture of her with a big smile. The action shots can be tricky. I put the camera on action/sport mode but then you can't use a flash and it can turn out blurry. It's almost better to just keep it in portrait mode and use the flash. I'm happy when I'm able to get one good shot at least.<br />
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And of course I always have to get at least one picture with Michelle to show that I was there too...Just because it's what I do. I like to get souvenirs of everything, all our adventures together.<br />
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I like this photo in a spot with the giraffe looking over our shoulders. When it's so crowded it's really hard to set up the timer. Sometimes I have to wait until the end when they're about to close and the crowd thins out.<br />
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One day I was watering the plants and found this little guy hopping around. I had to get Michelle. She was excited and wanted to hold the frog. He was pretty hoppity but we managed to keep him still for a long enough to get a couple of photos anyway. She kept an eye on him while I mowed the lawn in the backyard as well so he didn't get run over.<br />
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Michelle, like me, loves animals, birds, frogs, snakes, mice. She's not really afraid of anything although she's not a fan of bugs. Except ladybugs and butterflies of course.<br />
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One day more recently there was a big dead frog beside my car. I was worried Michelle would see it. Then she did and I was worried she'd be upset but she was OK. She was glad that I hadn't run over it. It wasn't squished. It was a big bloated frog that apparently "croaked" in our driveway (or someone/something dumped him there. Not sure.) It bothered me that it was there. It almost seemed like a sign of something. I used to kiss my share of frogs when I was dating and they never turned into princes. Maybe this big dead frog was a sign not to even bother trying again. There are no princes. Only dead frogs.<br />
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It wasn't my favourite task disposing of it. Michelle wanted me to bury him! I said that I wasn't holding a funeral service for a frog I didn't even know. (I was 99% sure it wasn't the little one we'd met a month earlier.) Just a random big old fat frog. It made me think back to high school and how I avoided taking Biology because I refused to dissect a frog. Now I was scraping one off my driveway. (With a shovel, by the way.) Not my favourite thing. I know it's the circle of life and all -- I would just prefer if things wouldn't die on my driveway!<br />
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No there weren't ghosts in my Mom's backyard (as far as I know, although she does have some pets buried there...) The white splotches are just my camera lens covered in scratches.<br />
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Sometimes the light reflecting off the scratches comes across as white blobs in the photo. I try to position us so we're at least not whited out by the blobs. I really should look into getting a new camera but I'm attached to my Nikon and resistant to change. As I'm sure I've mentioned many times.<br />
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My girl and me. Sometimes Michelle says "I wish I had a daddy" and it's like a dagger through my heart but what can I do? I say to her, "I know, sweetheart but you have a Mama that loves you VERY much. And maybe someday if I meet a VERY nice man but he would have to be a really GOOD guy and there are a lot of bad guys out there."<br />
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I don't date and haven't dated since her father left me 4 months pregnant. I have nothing to do with men aside from receiving professions of love and marriage proposals from random admirers on Twitter. Since hitting 10K followers I have had quite a few claim to love me, offer to fly me around the world to see them etc. I take it all with a grain of salt. I figure they're scam artists/out to get something. One was impersonating a prominent military figure and I actually reported him to the REAL Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army. Some of it is bizarre but I just laugh it off. It would be hard to trust anyone never mind online where people can just say anything. Even if the perfect man fell into my lap somehow I think he'd have his work cut out for him earning my trust. I wasn't careful enough when I used to date but I'm extremely cautious now that I am a Mom. I would never let someone into our lives unless I was 100% sure of him (and realistically can you be 100% sure of ANYONE?)<br />
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The new IKEA catalog came out and my Mom wanted to go to the store. I hadn't been in a while so I was game. Michelle was excited to go see the "ball room" I told her about. I wasn't even sure how it worked. I'd never brought her there before. It was quite different than I expected. I thought I'd get to sit there near her and watch her play. Instead I had to fill out a form and sign her away for an hour to be left with strangers. They gave me a pager and would let me know when to pick her up. I couldn't even go into the room where she was. And I WASN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO TAKE PHOTOS?! That was killing me. Seeing Michelle laughing and playing and not being able to capture it in pictures? IKEA said because you can't take pictures of other children without the parents' permission. "But what if I promise not to get any other kids in the photos?!"<br />
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Michelle didn't want to leave. Luckily they kick the kids out after an hour so she had no choice. She asked me if she could come back again sometime soon and I told her yes but I was thinking in my head "Not bloody likely! I have to abandon her there, leaving her with strangers and I don't even get to take pictures of her playing?! What's the fun in that?! Well it's fun for her but I mean come on!" LOL<br />
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September really snuck up on us! Spellcheck is saying snuck isn't a word but Spellcheck can suck it! LOL August disappeared as quickly as July did. Or faster. At least the warm weather continued into September so we could hold onto Summer for a little while longer.<br />
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We planned a day at the pool with Auntie May. Unfortunately the day that we picked wound up being very cool. (We couldn't seem to catch a break. Every time we made plans to go swimming either it would rain or be cold.) We decided to go anyway because at least the pool was heated. It was a very nice place.<br />
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Michelle loved it. It was such a treat to go into a warm pool after being used to cold lakes. Unfortunately it was FREEZING coming out afterwards. Michelle never wanted to leave. She would have stayed there all day if she could.<br />
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The pool had been newly renovated and was so nice and clean. It also wasn't crowded since it was September and it was a bit of a cool day. The cold air didn't seem to bother Michelle. Shannon was anxious to get warm and was cuddled up in her sweatshirt but the rest of us enjoyed the water as long as we could.<br />
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They had life jackets there for the little ones so I got one for Michelle and she loved it. She had a ball swimming and floating around.<br />
"Look Mama! I'm SWIMMING!" I really would like to get her swimming lessons. I never had lessons as a child and I think it's an important skill. I learned to swim on my own and while I can swim and float I've never been a confident swimmer and I don't go into deep water. Just the thought of leaving Michelle with someone else in the water almost makes me throw up but I will try it at some point (I'll be nearby having a panic attack no doubt.)<br />
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After getting out of the pool we were all FREEZING! We wrapped ourselves up in towels and blankets to dry off and warm up. It was ironic after some of the hot days we'd had that we went swimming on one of the coldest but that's just Murphy's Law I guess. Trying to work things out with my work schedule and everything was a challenge. And soon the kids would be in school and it would be even harder to make plans.<br />
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I found matching cat shirts in our sizes that said #Twinning on them...so OF COURSE I had to get them! LOL Yes I'm a total nerd. I just find it adorable dressing us alike. It's still my goal to find matching dresses in our sizes but that could be trickier! If I could sew I'd probably try to make them myself! Maybe in a pink/floral fabric... (It's probably for the best that I don't sew. I'd never find the time anyway.)<br />
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I found these shirts at Justice. They were on sale for $9 so it was a no brainer. And I got her a little stuffed cat there as well. Because she didn't have enough stuffed cats. As if anyone could have!<br />
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I wanted to do something fun with Michelle before she had to start school and I heard there was going to be a local fair so we were all over it!<br />
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Michelle with her Mama and a llama! The selfie I was attempting was an epic fail and a couple of kind strangers offered to a) hold the llama still for a portrait and b) take our photo with him/her.<br />
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Michelle was thrilled. So was I. It's all about the photo ops for me. The cuter the better!<br />
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"Do llamas spit Mama?"<br />
"I think sometimes....Or maybe that's camels?"<br />
This one didn't spit. Then again he/she was wearing a muzzle...<br />
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My girl is very brave. This contraption led kids through a series of tunnels and bridges. She was nervous to cross the rickety wooden bridge 100 feet off the ground and I couldn't blame her but she was sort of stuck and had to get to the end to get out. She was slower than the other kids were getting across but she made it and was quite proud of herself after she did. She even wanted to go on it a second time!<br />
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Of course the best part of this "ride" was the long slide tunnel at the end. I was happy to capture a shot of Michelle smiling as she came out.<br />
"I did it Mama!"<br />
"I know! I saw! You were so brave!"<br />
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I was encouraging her along the way "You can do it honey!" I was afraid I'd have to go up there or someone would have to go rescue her but she faced her fear and got through it. Heights didn't scare her on ferris wheels and other rides but something about walking across a rickety wobbling wooden bridge in the sky is a bit nerve-wracking!<br />
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I got a lot of tickets so that Michelle could go on whatever rides she wanted and I could share some with her. The rides usually had a ruler and if you were tall enough you could go alone. Other rides I had to go with her. She was a little bummed when she didn't get to go on her own because it made her feel so grown up to go alone.<br />
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I had fun on the rides too. It wasn't exactly Canada's Wonderland but at least we didn't have to wait in hour long line-ups.<br />
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We went on a spinning ride, a rollercoaster and a ferris wheel. I of course couldn't resist getting photos.<br />
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The Fun House is always fun (hence the name!) I love this shot of us with two mes and 3 Michelles! She has a great smile here. They warn you before you go in to walk slowly with your hands in front of you because the maze of glass and mirrors is disorienting. Michelle did walk into the glass at one point like a bird into a window but she just shook it off. And she kept her hands in front of her after that.<br />
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After the maze you get to the staircase that leads to the fun house mirrors. I was bummed that ALL of these mirrors made us look short and stout. This fun house didn't have the elongating mirrors that the other one (from Ribfest) had. I was hoping for a selfie of a more slender me with mile long legs but it wasn't in the cards that day. And then we went down the slide to the exit.<br />
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Michelle was excited that there was a bouncy castle and she didn't want to leave. I thought the ride operator would kick the kids out after a few minutes but he just let them keep playing as long as they wanted because no one else was in line. She must have been in there half an hour. It was a lot of mileage from two coupons! She had a great time playing and made a couple of new friends. Other kids came and went. Michelle practically set up residence. As long as she was happy I was willing to stand and wait.<br />
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The Ferris Wheel was by far my favourite ride! If it wasn't so many coupons I would have gone on it several times rather than just two. Michelle loved it too. It was exhilarating being up so high and seeing the whole fair below. It was nice that it wasn't over too quickly either.<br />
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I got several selfies of us smiling as you can see. I love sharing these moments with Michelle and having them captured forever in pictures means I can enjoy reliving them again and again. That's why I take so many pictures and why I do this blog. I like to record our journey together and our adventures. We may not get to travel around the world (yet -- still waiting on that lottery win!) but we can have fun close to home. And I get to keep the smiley happy photos to counteract the moments that are not smiley or happy at all (a lot of those too. They're just not in photographs...)<br />
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An action shot as we were moving on the Ferris Wheel.<br />
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I love the breeze in our hair and Michelle's excited expression. I was so glad that I found out about the fair because Wonderland was the one thing I didn't get to cross off our list this Summer (we'd been to Port Dover Beach, Wasaga, Legoland, the zoo etc and I had wanted to try Wonderland for the first time with her until she said she couldn't stand any more long drives.)<br />
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I really had been looking forward to going on some amusement park rides with her so this was a nice substitute at least. I was just wishing I could go on a rollercoaster...<br />
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And then we did! They had a dragon rollercoaster and I went on with Michelle! I even managed to snap several selfies, camera in hand as we went around. I had the strap wrapped around my wrist so it wouldn't fall as we were jostled around. It was fun. Still not as scary as I like (my favourite coaster was always the Bat at Canada's Wonderland) but still a treat when I've gone so many years without being on one at all. I was glad I wasn't too big to go on it with her. At Ribfest she'd gone on a dragon coaster with Reggie several times but it was just for kids. This time I got to be a kid and enjoy it with her though I wasn't quite as animated as she and Reggie were in the photos.<br />
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If it wasn't for a little ghosting on my cheek from the scratched lens this would be a perfect shot.<br />
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I LOVE Michelle's face here! Her excited expression as we sped around the roller coaster track is priceless.<br />
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I was the only one taking selfies during the ride and people probably thought I was nuts but I can't resist a good photo op and this was definitely it! I almost wished I'd matched her expression but I don't like showing my teeth in photos.<br />
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Michelle was happy when she was tall enough to ride by herself. She did need my help to get up on the horse. I didn't mind sitting it out because it meant I could snap her picture as she came around. I couldn't help but laugh as she started posing like a Diva, smiling and waving at me each time she came around. Other people were smiling, laughing and waving at her as she passed.<br />
"Isn't that cute?" someone said.<br />
"That's my girl!" I said proudly.<br />
Yes I've created a monster but in this instance, I love it!<br />
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It just never gets old! Even after I had the perfect shot I couldn't resist snapping another. And another. Because why not?<br />
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When the ride ended she was on the opposite side. I had to go around to find her. She was asking a female stranger to help her down when I came by. It sometimes worries me that she's so friendly with strangers. I told her that being friendly with strange kids her age is one thing but to be wary of adults. I told her you just never know, even if someone seems nice, you don't take a chance.<br />
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Another ride that Michelle could go on without me -- the teacups. This little girl's Mom approached me and asked if it would be OK if her daughter rode with Michelle. I said of course. They had a ball and were laughing their heads off together. I am glad that Michelle gets along so well with other kids. Shyness was something I always struggled with. It's definitely not a problem for her.<br />
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I found a spot to set the camera and get a shot of us. Michelle wanted to play some games and win a prize. I told her it's a waste of money because they set the games up so you can't win. I never win anyway. Michelle wanted to try so I let her play a game where you throw three balls at a target and she actually did it! She got a pink fidget spinner (which she didn't need since she already had fidget spinners but she was quite proud of herself.<br />
"I won Mama! I'm better than you at games!"<br />
"Yes baby, you're better than me at a lot of things!"<br />
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And then we stopped for ice cream. Because you have to. I was getting tired, hungry and thirsty so the ice cream was a nice pick me up. Michelle has a lot more energy than me so she wanted to stay and explore all that the fair had to offer. Her old Mama was running out of steam...<br />
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Next we went to the army exhibit where Michelle went through some boot camp exercises!<br />
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And then we met a dinosaur! Michelle was fearless and even put her hand right inside its mouth. It was a really cool costume and looked pretty real (aside from the extra pair of human legs at the back... It's all about suspension of disbelief, folks!)<br />
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I even managed to get a selfie of us with the T-Rex (is it a T-Rex? I think so. With those awkward little arms...)<br />
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Later Michelle got to sit in the driver's seat of an OPP cruiser which she thought was pretty cool.<br />
"You definitely never want to be in the BACKSEAT of a cruiser!" I told her but she didn't really get the joke.<br />
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From pretend prehistoric reptiles to real life reptiles...Michelle is not afraid of snakes. (I never was either. I find them cute! I used to catch garter snakes in the forest when I was younger.) She was petting this one and asking questions about him.<br />
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"Does he bite?"<br />
"Is he poisonous?"<br />
"Is he friendly?"<br />
Of course these are the sorts of things to ask BEFORE you pet the snake!<br />
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And then from dinosaurs to dinosaur bones and of course you have to get a selfie with them!<br />
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I was really tired by this point and my feet were killing. I also hurt my back lifting Michelle up on my shoulders for a piggyback because we were late to the dog show and it was so crowded she couldn't see. After a few minutes I told her I wouldn't survive this for much longer and we left. I'm a cat person anyway.<br />
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I popped a Tylenol extra strength and hoped I wouldn't suffer too much from the piggyback. I'm constantly injuring (or rather aggravating old injuries in) my back and shoulders. Mostly from lifting Michelle. She is getting pretty heavy for me to still carry her. My Mom says I should just refuse to do it but I don't.<br />
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This wall was so colourful I had to get a picture with it, even though looking at it now it is on the creepy side. I'm not even sure what creeps me out the most but I think it's the mask. Masks are always sort of sinister looking to me... Masks and clowns...<br />
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We're so small next to the wall that you barely see us!<br />
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And then we found a booth where you could get your photo taken with a green screen and choose what backgrounds you wanted. You pay and then they email you the photos. When I didn't get the pictures after a couple of days I thought I'd been ripped off but then I received these gems. Michelle picked the princess castle and the Sponge Bob. I picked the tropical island of course.<br />
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It's awkward posing in front of the green screen and pretending it's something else. I had new respect for actors in movies that have to interact with things that aren't actually there. It's not easy! The picture of Michelle running toward Sponge Bob is the most awkward but it makes me laugh anyway. By the end of the day at the fair I was beyond exhausted and my back and feet killing. I couldn't wait to get home. Unfortunately we would have to wait...<br />
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I couldn't find the car. It sounds so stupid but I suffer from short term memory loss. Often I will forget where I parked and in a normal parking lot I just set off my car alarm and find the car. Unfortunately the parking lot was just a huge field of grass with hundreds of cars and the cars had changed since I'd parked there in the morning. It seemed like we were walking forever, nothing was looking familiar and there was no sign of the car! I started to panic. I was holding my keys up in the air hitting the panic button without a peep from my car. One of the parking attendants saw my panic stricken face and tried to help me look but she had no luck either. Then I heard a car alarm but it WASN'T MY CAR! It was a cruel joke. Like a mirage in the desert. Then I found a bronze Hyundai but my heart sank again when I realized it wasn't mine. I was almost going to just sit on the ground and cry when FINALLY we reached a further parking lot and I realized THAT was where I'd parked. I was so relieved when I got to my car that I hugged and kissed it! It was like a Seinfeld episode except it's not funny when it's happening to you! Michelle was relieved to find the car too. I told her I never want to go anywhere that we have to park on the grass again!<br />
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Another day, another set of matching t-shirts from Justice! Michelle loved them because of the emojis. I loved them for the palm trees. So it's win-win!<br />
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Michelle wanted to go to the indoor playground. I wanted to make her happy.<br />
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She was going to be starting school soon. Thankfully she was excited about it. I wasn't too excited. To me it was sad. I would miss Michelle and Summer had gone by WAY too fast. How could it be ending already?!<br />
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After a little practice now Michelle can make it all the way across the Tarzan swinging rope and without my help. She used to fall halfway or need me to help her. My girl is growing up! She was quite proud of herself as she made her way across back and forth. There's usually a line up of kids waiting for their turn.<br />
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There was a little girl there who wasn't able to reach the rope and wanted me to lift her. "Where are you parents?" I asked. More often than not the parents are camped out somewhere on their cellphones and not even watching the kids. I'm one of a dying breed of hoverers. Even I try to chill out at some point and just let Michelle be. But I still have to check in every few minutes to see where she is and make sure she's OK. People occasionally ask me if Michelle is my first.<br />
"First, last and only. Yeah. Does it show?"<br />
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Sure enough, Michelle makes new friends again. I guess it's easier when you're a kid. You're running around playing, it's easier to find common ground.<br />
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For grown ups it's trickier. I do occasionally have people say "Hi," or tell me I have the best seat in the house when I managed to score one of the comfy corner leather seats.<br />
"I know, right!"<br />
Or someone will commiserate about the decibel level of multiple children screaming. But after a few words, what else do you say? And most of them are married so it's harder to relate to them. I always feel like I'm the only single parent in the world because EVERYONE else is coupled off. If there are single parents in my neighbourhood or the places we go they are well hidden!<br />
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Michelle pretending to pet the baby elephant is genius and adorable! I can't believe I never thought of it before.<br />
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Again we waited until the crowd thinned out so we could get this shot. In the midst of the chaos and kids running amok there would just be no way to set the timer and not get photobombed by random kids.<br />
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One night I had a nightmare that I was kidnapped by Vladimir Putin. Little did I know I'd be seeing him in a store later that day! One thing to look forward to in September is the Halloween store Spirit Halloween opening up so we decided to go after the playground. We found Trump and Putin. I'm not even sure which is creepier/scarier. I think it's a tie. Michelle was a little nervous around the animatronic monster displays. Even though some of them weren't even hooked up yet. They didn't have the werewolf that she liked from last year.<br />
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Michelle wanted to be a vampire again and she wound up picking a dress that was almost the same as her other vampire dress only purple instead of red. Still she was so cute I couldn't say no! I tried on a pumpkin sweatshirt and decided against it because it didn't seem practical (cold shoulders in the fall? Or if it was warm long sleeves would be too hot so it was neither here nor there. Although now that I see it in the photo it's kind of cute and I wish I had gotten it!)<br />
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Michelle posing with her dress, with a little curtsy. I wanted to get some more photos with monsters in the background but she was too creeped out.<br />
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"Michelle, YOU wanted to come here and now you're scared! You were less scared LAST year!"<br />
"These things are a lot creepier than last year!"<br />
There were certain aisles she would not even walk past. So maybe even my brave girl has her limits.<br />
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It's strange because I am not especially brave but I used to be a goth and I loved horror movies. Now I haven't seen one in so long. I'd love to see Stephen King's "It" apparently it has broken the record for the highest grossing horror movie (dethroning the Exorcist in the 70s!) but I don't have anyone to go with. And I don't really watch horror movies anymore now that I don't have a boyfriend to watch them with (aka protect me from the monsters that will come out after I've seen the movie! LOL)<br />
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It was the last day before school started. I was hoping to go to the beach one last time as we had done the year before but Michelle wanted to go to the water park. She argued that we'd been to the beach several times but we hadn't been to the water park yet. She had a point so we went. We might as well have one last Summer experience before school starts.<br />
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I was glad Michelle wasn't dreading going back to school or it would have been even harder for me. As it was she was excited to see her friends and her teachers again. It was me that was dreading it. Getting her up early and getting her to school on time was always stressful. Plus it meant longer days and more commuting for me with my work schedule. It also meant Fall was coming and that was just depressing AF!<br />
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The lazy river is my favourite part of the water park. Unfortunately it's also kind of nerve wracking because I have to leave our stuff while we're on the river. You can get a locker but it's a nuisance to keep going to the locker before and after everything you do. It's easier to just have it nearby. I never bring my whole wallet, just a bit of money, and I'm sure no one in their right mind would steal my old camera or phone. Still it always makes me feel vulnerable to have our stuff just left unattended as we float around.<br />
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The day we went it was crowded and we had to wait a long time for a tube. Michelle wanted her own tube as well instead of riding along with me like she used to.<br />
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Michelle loves running around in the splash pad/sprinkler area as well and I love snapping pictures of her as she plays.<br />
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There weren't many kids in the splash pad area so I got to snap Michelle with all the props and no photobombers!<br />
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This turtle is so cute. Michelle wound up posing with it quite a bit!<br />
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Michelle used to hate getting water on her head or in her face but she's more accepting of it now. She was even taking showers instead of baths at home for a while which made her feel grown up but then she realized it was more fun to sit in a bath and play with her toys so she went back to that.<br />
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Here she is bravely standing under the mushroom shower, getting soaked and laughing about it.<br />
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"I don't mind the water in my face anymore Mama!"<br />
"That's great baby. You're getting more brave."<br />
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This was Michelle's idea and I love it! So cute! I guess considering how many photos I take she should be a pro at posing by now!<br />
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After the splash pad we went to the pool though it was a rude awakening after being in the heated pool with Auntie May! Being in a heated pool on a cool day is easier than being in a cold pool on a hot day. I couldn't get used to the water. My teeth were chattering the whole time. Usually after a while you get used to it and it seems warmer. No such luck there. I was anxious to go.<br />
"Anytime you're ready to leave honey, just let me know. Like ANY TIME...Hey want to get an ice cream?"<br />
And we were gone.<br />
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I wanted Michelle's last day off before school to be fun. She was happy with our trip to the water park.<br />
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I was glad Michelle was excited about it because I definitely was not. I was dreading the whole routine: dragging her out of bed and getting her ready for school (dressed, hair brushed, sunscreen on, breakfast, vitamin, brushing her teeth), packing her lunch and getting her to school in a mad rush trying to beat the bell. It's stressful. Then I miss her. But of course there is barely time to miss her because school is only 6 hours and by the time you try to run some errands, do some housework, get caught up on things -- it's time to pick her up again. Or I'm working nightshift and only get a couple of hours sleep between dropping her off at school and picking her up to drop her off at Grandma's before heading in to work my 16 hour shift... Yeah my life is nuts.<br />
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At least Michelle was happy and that's all that matters. She was excited to dress up for the first day of school as well. My girl is a Princess. She love dressing up.<br />
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My sister gave me this little blackboard as a house warming gift and I love it, especially on the first day of school to commemorate the first day of Kindergarten and now SK! My girl is growing up. Before I know it, she'll be in grade 1. Then she'll be in grade 12. It goes so fast. And then maybe I can do a poster and put all the first day of school photos together on one page and watch her grow up from a little girl to the amazing young woman I know she's going to be...<br />
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Yes I'm tearing up. Yes I'm a sentimental fool. I cherish these moments. That's why I take so many photos. I have no choice. It's the only way I have to hold on.<br />
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After school Michelle wanted to hang around and play in the school yard for a bit before heading home.<br />
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Michelle was excited to see her best friend. They were hugging each other so much that her friend actually knocked Michelle over. Of course I was there with my camera ready.<br />
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They are in the same class together again which is nice.<br />
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After playing outside the school Michelle still wanted to go to the park and she made another little friend (as she usually does, everywhere we go.)<br />
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There's a park near Grandma's house as well and Michelle loves going there.<br />
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She can go pretty high on the swing after her starting push and is quite proud of herself.<br />
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Other kids just swing in a mundane way, expressionless. Michelle is always excited and happy and smiling and saying "Woo hoo!" It never gets old. I'm glad my girl is so enthusiastic and has a zest for life. I envy her that. I'm not quite there. In fact I can't remember the last time I said "Woo hoo!" about anything...<br />
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The park that day was actually a backup plan. We were supposed to be going to McDonalds Play Place but Michelle fell asleep in the car and there was a bit of an incident. After some tears we dusted her off and she was wanting to go back. I told her that ship had sailed for the day but that we could go to the park instead. It was a little cooler out but still liveable anyway. Might as well enjoy every moment outside that you can. Fall and Winter will come soon enough and we'll have no choice but to be cooped up indoors for months. Sigh.<br />
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I can almost feel my Seasonal Affective Disorder coming on...<br />
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Michelle in one of her cat ear headbands and holding a cat heart eye emoji from McDonalds. Of all the emojis I think the cat heart eyes has to be our favourite. The poop is funny but I kind of refuse to let Michelle carry poop around. Even if it is stuffed.<br />
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Speaking of stuffies, Michelle has MANY but she got a craft kit for her birthday to make one -- a "Fuzzeez" bunny. I knew what was going to happen and my fears were well founded -- I ended up making the damn bunny myself.<br />
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Michelle wanted me to "help" her -- and of course an adult has to help with the instructions and everything but she went from saying "I want to do it myself!" to "You do it, Mama." So I stuffed it and sprayed it and put the clips on the mold and put it in washer and dryer.<br />
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The Fuzzeez bunny did turn out pretty cute albeit pretty fragile. It's really just like dryer lint held together by water and a bit of dish detergent. So you can't really play with him as he's barely a half step up from cotton candy but I sat him on the shelf as a cute reminder that when your kid gets a craft kit for her birthday YOU are the one who is going to have to spend a few hours making the dang craft.<br />
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But it is cute. And at the end of the day if you get something cute out of it, it's worth it, right? (No. I think I'd rather just BUY a pre-made stuffed bunny and call it a day.)<br />
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And look how big his feet are?! What is with those feet?!<br />
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Picking Michelle up from school before I had to work nightshift. I get her a bit early to try to beat the traffic. She was annoyed that she had to miss some of her "free choice" play time. I tried to explain that Mama has to drive 2 hours in rush hour traffic and work a 16 hour nightshift on 2 hours' sleep so her violin solo couldn't really hold a candle to mine!<br />
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Her friend walked her out and gave her a hug goodbye before we left. I was afraid she'd knock Michelle over again and we didn't have time for that.<br />
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On Grandma's backyard swing. I'm always glad to have at least a few minutes to relax in the yard at Grandma's either before or after my shift when I'm working.<br />
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When I was pregnant with Michelle I used to sit on my own garden swing and read. I should get one again but I'd need help putting it together (it was a gift from my Mom before and my brothers helped to construct it.)<br />
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Michelle loves to swing but I like it too. In my hectic life it's nice to have at least a few moments to take a breath of fresh air and relax...<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OaBD3c-2zBM/WcQEaPP4Y2I/AAAAAAAAPtw/xKs_caOj5fgNwsND9bWgb0KFL-RB2LSvgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2083.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1297" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OaBD3c-2zBM/WcQEaPP4Y2I/AAAAAAAAPtw/xKs_caOj5fgNwsND9bWgb0KFL-RB2LSvgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2083.JPG" width="259" /></a>And when there was a hot day & I was off, we headed to the beach! Michelle may have started school but it was still technically Summer (until September 22nd, the first official day of Autumn!) and with some of the hottest days we'd had.<br />
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So we suited (and sunscreened) up and headed to our favourite (local) beach -- Port Dover!<br />
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Michelle even brought her stuffed fish for the occasion (though Fishy had to wait in the car. Stuffies and sand really don't mix.)<br />
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Sitting under the palm trees, it just never gets old. It always amazes me when people take photos at the beach and DON'T get the palm trees in the shot! Or maybe other people aren't like me. Maybe the trees are no big deal to them because they jet set away to tropical locations all the time anyway. But for someone like me who can't afford to fly anywhere -- Port Dover Beach IS my tropical getaway!<br />
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Michelle LOVES feeding the seagulls. She insisted on sharing her bag of popcorn with them. I tried to dissuade her. I told her that not everyone is a fan of flocks of seagulls cawing around, especially near the restaurant where people are trying to eat their meals in peace.<br />
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It was cute though so even though I told her no I still couldn't resist smiling and snapping pictures of her doing it.<br />
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I caught a couple of disapproving looks from people but if anyone said anything I was ready to pounce in defense of her.<br />
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I thought of the "Feed the birds, twopence a bag" song from Mary Poppins...but then I started to get teary and told myself to shut up.<br />
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And once again, Michelle made new friends at the beach! Seriously, I should get pointers from this girl! (She could put Dale Carnegie to shame -- How to Win Friends and Influence People!) Then again I wouldn't feel comfortable with so many friends even if I could make them. I am mostly a private person and prefer to be close to just a few select people. Michelle enjoys being a social butterfly. She is comfortable going up to anyone. I am happy that she's such a friendly girl. Even if it does make me slightly uncomfortable. As long as she's just befriending kids her age and not, say, sketchy looking adult males, which I would ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOW! No way. No day.<br />
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Michelle and her friend playing in the sand. So cute. I really could watch Michelle play forever so it's a good thing that I capture her in photos and then I literally CAN enjoy these moments forever. I love seeing her so happy and having fun. These are my favourite moments. And when I'm having a rough day/night at work (a LOT of those...) I can at least look forward to a break where I get to just enjoy being with my girl. She is my happy place. And the beach with her is the happiest place!<br />
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So cute! I love Michelle's smile and her laugh. I can't look at these photos without smiling. I was zooming in at the time to get a better look at her expression and I'm glad that I did. It's priceless. The girl's mother didn't seem terribly enthused about her daughter being covered in sand. I'm used to it with Michelle. She likes to make sand angels. It sticks to her hair. And the sunscreen is like glue so it sticks to her like breading on fried chicken. It's a trip through Hell but she seems to enjoy it!<br />
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Another occasion to dress up...<br />
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My Princess (complete with tiara!) in a pale blue dotted dress and me in a white floral. Yes I'm wearing white AFTER LABOUR DAY! Hopefully the fashion police don't arrest me. I've been told that rule no longer applies. Or maybe it only applies to wearing white PANTS after Labour Day, not tops and dresses. And truly if the weather feels warmer than Summer you should be allowed to wear a Summer dress of any colour!<br />
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We were heading to my Mom's for Uncle Mike's birthday party...<br />
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Michelle's IKEA panda and turquoise teddy bear (from Build a Bear) and little elephant (from Metro I think it was? She has so many stuffies but somehow twists my arm to get her more when we're out "PLEASE Mama? He's so CUTE!" and how can I say no? I can't obviously. So we own a stuffed zoo basically. Any animal you can think of she probably has one, at least one. Maybe 10 of them. This is possibly the longest parenthetical statement ever. And the most pointless!)<br />
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Michelle wanted to dress her animals up for the party but I told her it wasn't necessary. then she did it anyway. Most of them are wearing a bow or some sort of accessory.<br />
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It was the Tim Horton's Smile Cookie week so I got Michelle a Smile Cookie pretty much every day. $1 goes to children's charities (hospitals, food banks and children's programs), Michelle gets excited about having a cute smile cookie and it gives me an excuse to get my iced cappuccino fix at Tim's! It's win-win-win!<br />
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We were disappointed when the campaign was over and the chocolate chip cookies DIDN'T have smiles anymore. But I still get Michelle a cookie when I stop by Tim's on our long commute. It makes the trip a bit sweeter.<br />
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I once got Tim's to draw a sad face on a cookie when a co-worker was going to be leaving. I think sad face cookies would be a good idea when someone is feeling down. I could go for one quite often.<br />
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My Princess and me in front of the tiger eye sumac tree in Grandma's backyard.<br />
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I love that tree. (It used to be mine in another life back when I had planted a tropical garden. It was going to be ripped out and sodded over by people who weren't in love with my backyard beach idea so I rescued it and a bamboo tree and planted them at my Mom's...It looked like it was struggling when first transplanted but then grew stronger and I was so happy to see it healthy. I smile when I see it. I'm glad I got to save something from my old yard...And I'm glad I got pictures of it to remember. It was a crazy idea to try to create my own tropical beach backyard, minus the water, but it was kind of cool. Just not practical at all. Nor was the convertible I also had at the time. Those were the days!)<br />
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Christina brought this amazing jumbo Jenga set and the kids had a ball with it though it was a little scary when the blocks were about to fall! It makes you jump even when you play with the tiny blocks never mind a bunch of wood slabs!<br />
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Poor Reggie managed to knock them over a couple of times (through no fault of his own, just bad timing/luck of the draw.) I was afraid the kids would be hurt if all that wood fell on them but they stayed back so no one lost a toe or anything! "Timber!"<br />
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I was kind of a nervous wreck when it was Michelle's turn to remove a block and put it on top. She couldn't even reach the top without a step ladder. Luckily she was very careful and skillfully moved the pieces on her turn so they didn't fall on her head and knock her unconscious (which was my fear as a neurotic control freak helicopter parent! I don't want to spoil Michelle's fun so I let her do these things. I just stand on the sidelines wincing "I hope she's OK! Careful honey!"<br />
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The group shot. Has to be done. I can't even tell you how difficult it is to get EVERYONE together at the same time. Usually at least one or a few are missing at any given time, in the bathroom, in the house or somewhere. But I got us all together and set up the timer for the big group shot. Chris even stood on a ladder so he could be seen from the back! I always run in at the last second.<br />
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And a second shot, just in case. We try to change the pose up a little so it's not identical (not that it ever would be with that many unpredictable humans in one photo. They couldn't stay that still/consistent if they tried.) It's my dream that one day we'll all be smiling in the photo but that may be too much to hope for. For now, just getting them all looking is good enough.<br />
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And when Shane arrived with his big bright white fancy truck my brother Chris (God love him!) suggested we get a picture of the kids in the back of the truck.<br />
"Hell YES!" I said and suggested the whole gang pose in front as well. So there we are. Even my dad who had been missing showed up for the last shot.<br />
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"Happy Birthday to you..."<br />
The cake. The song. The photo.<br />
I didn't even realize Evie was in the back corner and had to run to get in. She's still in it, though mid-run and Barb is turning to look/say "Hurry up honey!"<br />
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My Mom's cakes may not wind up on Pinterest but they are made with love and always taste delicious!<br />
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Playing with the filters on Shannon's i-Phone again... I love Michelle as a rainbow kitty. She looks like a stuffed animal with her big eyes and cute little nose and ears.<br />
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I almost got into the shot as well in the background. The filters don't always allow more than one person/animal but sometimes they do.<br />
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It's a really good thing I don't have this app on my i-Phone or I'd be addicted and everyone would have cat ears, like ALL THE TIME. And that probably wouldn't be a good thing. OMG though I just thought if I could get a group shot of the whole family WITH CAT EARS?! But it probably only allows 3 people, tops. Not 16. So that dream will likely never come to fruition!<br />
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From cat to mouse! Michelle looks so adorable here! She's like a little doll or stuffed animal. I love the big doe eyes and the nose and ears.<br />
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I suppose I've created a monster with all the photos I've taken. Michelle is a little Diva and loves posing. She was wanting to try Shannon's i-phone and take selfies but then she holds it too close and it doesn't always turn out right. This one was better with Shannon taking it for her. I love her sweet expression and her hands folded in her lap. My cute little Michelle Mouse. "M-I-C-H-E-L-L and E, Michelle!" (In the tune of Mickey Mouse which is actually how I taught Michelle to spell her name when she was 3 and it worked!)<br />
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And who can resist rainbow kitty ears?!<br />
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Shannon loves selfies too. Of course she's part of the whole Instagram generation. I'd like to point out that I was taking selfies long before it was cool but mine are different -- setting up the self-timer on my old school Nikon (with a scratched lens and I still can't part with it!) Most people just hold their cellphones out and shoot. I see them doing it everywhere. People have even started taking photos of their dinner etc. Recording their whole lives. And hey, you might as well. It goes so fast. Photos are a way of slowing it down, capturing every moment. That's why I'm a photoholic!<br />
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Shannon looks adorable here. She suits the animal ears and large anime eyes... She's a living doll!<br />
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At the party my brother mentioned that Burlington Beach was back! After several rainstorms months ago the sand had all but disappeared but now the water had receded again and the beach was back so we decided to check it out! Actually our original plan was to go to the pool in Burlington but it was closed. I guess it closes in September regardless of how warm the weather might be? I'd checked the website and it made it look like it was open but we got there to find it closed.<br />
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Change of plans: BEACH! My Mom was upset she hadn't packed beach chairs. I hadn't brought Michelle's sand toys either but we decided to make do. We'd come that far and we were psyched to go in the water somewhere on a hot day. Of course the pool would have been beautiful and heated but we got in up to our legs in the lake at least...<br />
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We weren't the only ones there either. When Summer makes a comeback you might as well take advantage.<br />
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Michelle was far more daring (as she always is) and got into the water. I told her not to go too deep because I didn't want to go any higher than my thighs. She had fun in the water with her floatie lion.<br />
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She made a couple of friends as she always does, my little social butterfly. I could never do it -- just randomly approaching someone my age and saying "Hi!" and start hanging out with them. Of course as an adult it's 100% more awkward. Even if you're not painfully shy.<br />
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My Diva, posing for picture day. I heard other Moms complain that they couldn't get their daughter to wear a dress but I have no such problems with Michelle. She's always eager to dress up. She loves to accessorize as well. We both agreed this floral headband went PERFECTLY with the dress.<br />
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I told her to make sure she has a nice smile when they take her photo.<br />
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"Like this?" she asked, forcing a smile showing all her teeth in a maniacal clown grimace.<br />
"Ummm no. A natural smile. Not a silly smile."<br />
I was hoping for the best but the reality is that I would have to buy the photo no matter how it turned out. It's just what I do. My Mom never bought my school photos and yes it hurt. She argued she was never crazy about them. So I took that to mean I was ugly. And even the ones she liked, she just kept the proofs! Usually with the word "Jostens" across my face! I mean how cheap can you get?! Some of them she even put in frames. Words on my face and all. I am not doing that to Michelle (even though the proofs now just have a small watermark above their heads.) I'm all about the digital shots anyway. If I can't post it on Twitter and my blog what's the point?! (But yes I also get ones for my wallet, copies for my family etc.)<br />
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On picture day when I drop her off I worry that by the time they take her photo she will bear no resemblance to the girl I dropped off - her hair and dress will be a mess, her headband will be gone but she actually didn't do too badly. By the end of the day when I picked her up she was still my picture perfect girl, sort of. She was wanting to run amok, even in her fancy dress. And she's developed this distressing habit of hugging and trying to lift her friends off the ground only to drop them on the cement. I told her to stop doing it. They do it to her as well. I'm afraid someone is going to get a concussion, which really should be the opposite of what you're going for when you hug someone...<br />
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Running amok in the school yard didn't suffice. Michelle wanted to go to the park. I agreed as long as she changed. No fancy dresses at the park. She has so much energy I figure I might as well let her run it out so she'll wear herself out and sleep. In theory anyway.<br />
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I don't have 1/10th of Michelle's energy. Ever. Of course I'm usually sleep deprived, fatigued, barely have the energy to function. But somehow I managed to drag myself around for Michelle's sake. At least she lets me just sit at the park while she plays, except when I have to give her the starting push on the swings...<br />
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Michelle made a friend. Again. Everywhere she goes. He didn't want her to leave and she didn't want to leave but I explained that I had to get dinner, she had to have her bath and get to bed. It was a school night after all.<br />
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I told her that she could play in the sand at the beach again, weather permitting. The way September was going it seemed to be a distinct possibility.<br />
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Yes! We made it to the beach again! The weather got even hotter. And the beautiful thing was that now it wasn't nearly as crowded as in the Summer. We had the beach almost to ourselves.<br />
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I never tire of Port Dover Beach. We park ourselves under the palm trees and life is good. Michelle plays in the sand, I listen to the waves, the seagulls and watch her play and the stress of life melts away, temporarily at least.<br />
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The beach is our happy place. Getting to go there in the Fall is a treat.<br />
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Michelle loves feeding the seagulls. They started to swarm her. She was laughing but I was having a bit of an Alfred Hitchcock moment and wondering if they were going to attack. I was also afraid I might get pooped on (because that's just how my life goes.) Thankfully the birds had their snack and (mostly) left me alone.<br />
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When the beach was crowded I told Michelle she can't feed the gulls or people would get mad. Some people (Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe for instance!) even have a phobia of birds. At the very least most people wouldn't appreciate having them so close and begging for food. (They can be loud.) But with no one else to complain, Michelle was in her glory feeding the birds.<br />
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There was almost no one at the beach and Michelle STILL somehow managed to make a friend! I am just in awe of this girl. She's completely the opposite of me. I'm off on my own trying to avoid people and she's out there trying to make friends with all of them. I know a lot of it is just her natural innate personality (birth sign -- Leo -- etc) but I'd like to think some of her confidence is because of me. I've always showered her in attention and praise and made her feel like she was a Queen. (Whereas I always felt like I didn't get enough attention as a child and felt like I was nothing...hence my insecurity. But I'm also a shy Taurus so there's that.)<br />
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One last shot of us at the beach, not knowing whether we'd be back again this year (we would. The hot weather would continue!) Michelle had her ice cream. She really didn't feel like posing for a photo but I insisted. So she's just eating her ice cream anyway. At this point we were literally the ONLY ONES ON THE BEACH! A beach to ourselves. I'll take it. It was always my dream to live on the beach one day... Preferably somewhere tropical. (Of course with all the hurricanes it wouldn't be practical...Even Paradise can be Hell. Some of the most beautiful places have been wiped out.)<br />
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Michelle wanted to go to the indoor playground after school one day. I thought it was a terrible idea but I complied because I like to make her happy and I feel guilty for all the times I have to work and don't get to do fun things with her.<br />
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So we went. Michelle had a ball, as usual. It turned out that it wasn't the best idea on a school night. I thought it wouldn't be as busy as the weekend at least but it was still a madhouse! Apparently any time you go, any day of the week is busy. It didn't help that someone was hosting a kid's birthday party there. A lot of people do that. Any day of the week as well.<br />
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We didn't stay too long. I was hoping it would tire Michelle out anyway and give me a chance to just sit and relax which is rare for me. Not that I can really relax because I keep checking to see that she's OK. And relaxing isn't really the word for it when you have the din of multiple children screaming/crying/playing at all decibels. Another Mom kind of gave me a look like "Can you believe this?!" and I just nodded in agreement. Another Mom said she's gotten good at just tuning it out. I'm not quite there yet. When I heard a particularly loud scream I was afraid it would be Michelle but it turned out to be a boy.<br />
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Normally Michelle is all about her stuffed animals and doesn't play much with her dolls but all of a sudden she started making a fuss of the doll her best friend gave her for her birthday. She named her Sara and carried her everywhere and took her to bed with her and was amazed that her eyes close when she lays down.<br />
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She even did a portrait of Sara as you can see. I love it. So adorable. And she even included details like the curly pigtails, the turquoise pjs...<br />
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She talked to Sara and brought her everywhere. It was like a little sister. It made me sad to think how much Michelle would love a sibling and will likely never have one (short of a miracle that is. At the rate I'm going I can't even imagine dating anyone again.)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S3iQvQE1YL0/WcqNrUWCzWI/AAAAAAAAP2I/paGI2y_G3FcXXX__-uM5R0ZekbxuqL7lACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2503.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S3iQvQE1YL0/WcqNrUWCzWI/AAAAAAAAP2I/paGI2y_G3FcXXX__-uM5R0ZekbxuqL7lACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2503.JPG" width="320" /></a>The closest I've come to dating is getting marriage proposals on Twitter. I just roll my eyes. After uncovering one scam artist/military impersonator I just stopped following back any US military accounts that followed me and ignored their messages. I don't get the whole "Catfish" thing. What fun can it be pretending to be someone else?! I did sort of miss the flattering messages I used to get from the phony US Army Chief of Staff "My Darling Queen..." In my entire life no one had ever called me a darling queen! But I have no time/patience for BS. If you're pretending to be someone else then f%$# off!<br />
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Then I had another would-be online paramour. His photos just looked like a regular guy (pleasant looking but not a model, not a celebrity, just a guy next door type) so when he messaged me asking how I was doing etc I messaged back not thinking too much of it. He seemed nice. Then as the messages became lengthier red flags started to go up. Was this guy legit? Was English his first language? (He was supposedly Canadian but I had my doubts.) Was he really who he said? I asked him to send a photo holding a note "Hi Ann!" to prove he was the guy in the photos. (My Mom suggested sending one holding today's newspaper. I also considered asking him to hold up his DL.) He ignored my request and the next time he wrote to me he totally changed the subject. I decided to call BS. I told him my suspicions. Then I did a reverse image search and found that yes, as I suspected, he was a scam too! Those were stolen photos used by a few scam accounts! I sent him a link to the site with the same photos used on a bogus FB site. I expected him to confess/apologize. Instead he said he was hurt and felt betrayed by my mistrust and that he had real feelings for me. He said one day he'd show up at my door. I said I'd have him arrested faster than he could say criminal harassment! (But no he didn't know my address or even what town I live in. I'm careful not to discuss that online for various reasons.) I couldn't believe it! It was too ridiculous for words! I sent him an expletive-filled tirade against some creepy a-hole trying to prey on a single Mom. I mean I don't know what he hoped to gain. I have no money. I would never have a romance with a stranger and what purpose can it serve having a fake online relationship! I told him to get a life, preferably HIS OWN THIS TIME. So from now on I just ignore Twitter messages. Unless it's someone I know or a verified account etc.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YNQ6_gSROcE/WcqNwQFNpcI/AAAAAAAAP2M/z8BC4iWOpjw-nklPebgfc6S4gHgn42K2wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN2512.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YNQ6_gSROcE/WcqNwQFNpcI/AAAAAAAAP2M/z8BC4iWOpjw-nklPebgfc6S4gHgn42K2wCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN2512.JPG" width="320" /></a>For some reason there seemed to be a spike in followers/admirers since I hit 10K followers. Maybe they think I'm a celebrity? "A minor celebrity creating a minor stir." (Line from Seinfeld! LOL) Anyway, ain't nobody got time for that! I'm not remotely interested in a fake relationship with some weirdo. Twitter is a fun place to share my thoughts on politics, my shows, my life etc. It is also fun to connect with other people but to the guys who try to play mind games, just buzz off! No I'm not moving to Dubai, no I'm not going to marry you, no I don't believe a word you say and unless your account is verified or you send me a photo of yourself with your ID, I'm assuming you're a phony baloney! My time is precious. I'm not wasting it on a liar.<br />
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When I work so much, Grandma and Grandpa's place is Michelle's second home. I am grateful to have my parents to watch Michelle (even though the commute is a killer.) I never want to leave her and still can't imagine leaving her with strangers.<br />
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Michelle said she misses me when I'm at work but she has fun playing with Grandpa in the backyard. We love the nice weather. I enjoy getting a bit of fresh air before/after my shifts.<br />
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I love Michelle so much. It breaks my heart when she says that she misses me. I always call her from work on my break to say hi during the day and see how she's doing or to say goodnight before she goes to bed when I'm on nightshift. Talking to other Moms at the school it seems like guilt is just something you have as a Mom -- no matter what you do, whether you work or not. You want to do the best for your kids and you're never sure exactly what that is. So you just do what you think is right and do what you can do. Michelle is happy and healthy and couldn't be more loved. Still I worry about the things that I can't give her -- a father, siblings, a normal life, all the things she would like, trips, etc. Mostly I feel bad when I have to leave her. Especially for such long hours. My schedule is hard on both of us.<br />
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Michelle said that she set something up at Grandma's to remember me by when I'm at work. I was taken aback when I saw that she'd set up an altar with photos and candles. It totally creeped me out. She said she got the idea from a TV show or something. "But Michelle..." I tried to tell her "people set up a memorial like that to remember someone AFTER THEY DIE! I'm still alive!" My Mom was totally creeped out by it too and took it down. I had been having a tough time emotionally and physically and started to worry that I was working myself into an early grave. Sixteen hour shifts on no sleep are a form of torture. Some days I wondered how I survived!<br />
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As tired as I am, as stressed and irritable and miserable as I am some days I try not to let Michelle see it. I try to put on the happy Disney Mom smile for her. Some days it's really a stretch though. When I could just curl into a ball and cry but I have to fake enthusiasm when Michelle is excited about something. "That's great honey!" I have to pretend to be happy so that she thinks everything is OK when it's closer to the truth that Mama is losing it...<br />
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Without saying where I work (because I don't mention my job online. Ever.) people almost always say "That must be stressful. I don't know how you do it!" And when people hear that I'm a single Mom without help (especially when I was pregnant and alone) they say "That must be tough. I don't know how you do it!" The reality is that it's tough raising a child, even when there are TWO parents. As a single Mom, with a stressful job, and no social life and no support network (I have my family and they're my lifeline but they're not local...) it's unbelievably tough to be on your own, to feel isolated. Sometimes it feels like I carry the weight of the world on my own and no one understands and no one can really relate. I feel like I'm the only single parent in the world (or at least in my neighbourhood). I'm surrounded by married couples. I lost touch with my single friends from years ago. And I don't even drink. Not that alcohol is a healthy escape by any means but a lot of times people joke "Go have a glass of wine after a bad day!" and I have to say "I don't even drink. I'm sober to deal with this sh%$."<br />
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After a terrible day at work at least I have my girl to cheer me up somewhat. Grandma wanted to go to Walmart and Michelle wanted to visit the Halloween section so I complied. As long as I can take pictures, I'm happy. So we posed with the blow up Halloween decorations. I told Michelle we would never buy them. I don't really subscribe to the whole massive blow up decorations on the lawn for Halloween OR Christmas. Then again when someone has them they are an amusing photo op. Some people really get carried away with the decorations and that's cool. Holiday spirits can be a nice break from the Fall and Winter blahs -- aka Seasonal Affective Disorder. Though this year it just seemed like Summer would continue indefinitely. Maybe we wouldn't get a Fall. And I was OK with that. Except that Global Warming was having catastrophic/apocalyptic effects around the world (like the worst hurricanes in hundreds of years -- record breaking category 5s that wiped out entire islands.) I was not OK with that. Every time I logged on to Twitter and saw the trends it seemed like Armageddon was upon us. Still people kept acting normal. It was all surreal to me. But this was 2017. Insane was the new normal.<br />
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And when the world has gone to Hell (as it quite clearly has: Trump is still President and fighting with Kim Jong Un like a couple of kindergarten kids with nukes; the Earth is waging war on us for the damage we've caused and slamming us with the worst storms ever (entire islands have been wiped out. Some people lost their homes, everything.); there's a mental health crisis and opioid crisis that no one knows what to do about...) you have to find a way to laugh, sometimes even through tears.<br />
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Even at McDonalds Michelle makes a friend. She wanted to sit on Ronald McDonald's lap. It became a little crowded. Some people are a little creeped out by clowns (myself included!) but I guess Michelle isn't one of them. Then again she hasn't seen Stephen King's "It" (the latest incarnation looks particularly horrifying.) Nor will she! She has become quite brave lately though and has watched a few horror movies with me -- Ghostbusters 1 & 2 (though they are more comedy than horror), Arachnophobia and Gremlins. It's cool now to be able to watch movies with her aside from just animated/Disney films. Michelle's father was a complete horror movie aficionado. That's all that he would watch. He leaned more toward the particularly grotesque and disturbing horror movies where I preferred the less gory, more psychological thrillers. I haven't watched a really scary movie in a very long time. I'd like to try again but I don't want to give myself (more) nightmares...<br />
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The world can be a dark place especially these days. For Michelle of course it's all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. For her sake I play along and pretend the world is still a beautiful, magical place (as it can be sometimes.)<br />
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Michelle has several headbands in various colours and styles. She has a few sets of cat ears. Then I found this pink set of unicorn ears and horn and I couldn't resist. So I dropped my little unicorn off at school.<br />
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Michelle is like a unicorn, a magical little creature with a pure heart. She can usually make me smile no matter how terrible a day I have had. Here she is posing with her furry older sister Ali and her Vampire Mickey & Minnie.<br />
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She had Vampire or Dracula Mickey from Halloween last year. Then she found a Vampire Minnie and wanted her as well. How can I say no?<br />
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My girl is all that keeps me going so if there's anything she wants and it's within my power to grant her wish? Why the f*$# not?<br />
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I'm not sure if these are supposed to be doe ears or bunny ears or what but they're cute as a button especially with the flowers as well. Michelle won't be this age for long so I'm taking advantage of it while I can and dressing her in cute dresses and headbands as often as possible. Luckily she enjoys it as much as I do. She loves going to school like a magical little creature. It's one way to get her enthused about getting dressed for school. Usually it's pretty hard to drag her out of bed early in the morning. "Just a few more minutes, Mama..." Then I'll show her the cute outfit I have picked for her and she perks up. I am glad she approves of my clothing choices. Speaking to other parents I learned that some kids insist on picking their own outfits and they don't make the best choices. (Shorts on a cold day/mismatched pants and shirt etc.) Michelle and I are thankfully on the same page fashion-wise. She even boasts "I'm a fashionista Mama!"<br />
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Michelle was excited to be invited to a male friend's birthday party. She had a ball running around and playing. Parents were allowed to stick around as well so I stayed and talked to some of the Moms. I wound up confiding some of the problems I'd been having with stress/my work and was pleased to find that one of the Moms had worked in a similar field before going on Mat leave so she understood some of the stress I was going through, however she had a support network at work as well as her spouse and family nearby. I'm sort of on my own to deal with things.<br />
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It did help talking to some of the other Moms though part of me does always feel like no one can quite relate to my situation. Even other single Moms I've spoken with in the past weren't quite in the same position as me -- abandoned while pregnant with no contact whatsoever and no help financially or otherwise (with child care etc.) Most people have some sort of help. My position is pretty unique. Also people would say (and some frankly HAVE said) that it's my own fault I have such a long commute etc because I'm a control freak and I refuse to leave Michelle with a babysitter and have to drive all the way to my Mom's place which makes my long shifts at work that much longer. I'm usually on little to no sleep, drive 2-4 hours and work 12. It's not an ideal situation. It's the only one I can sort of live with for now. But it is killing me. And the job itself is taking a toll...<br />
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You can only run on empty for so long before it catches up to you. My hectic schedule and constant sleep deprivation was destroying me. On top of that things were getting more chaotic at work, busier than ever. I was falling apart.<br />
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Apparently there was a prophecy by some doomsday Christian guy that the world was going to end on September 23rd. I was scheduled to work nightshift so I thought, "Great. I'll have a front row seat for the Apocalypse!" The world didn't end but it sure felt like it. All Hell broke loose. It was one of the busiest, craziest nights I'd ever seen. Some were saying they'd never seen anything like it in 20 years. At one point (I guess I was swearing or my head was spinning or something) my boss pulled me aside to ask if I was OK. I said "No. I'm not OK. But what can I do? It's busy and we don't even have time to be having this conversation."<br />
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Somehow I managed to survive the 12 hour shift (actually a 14 hour shift for me) but it had taken a toll. I was already stressed to the max and sleep deprived. I was falling apart. After work I got in my car, sat there and bawled. I cried all the way home. When I finally got to lie down, I was beyond exhausted but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't shut my brain off. And I still had to work nightshift again the next night. I was so drained. I just cried and cried. I didn't know how I'd keep going.<br />
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The next week I got a link to an article about Cumulative PTSD. I'd always thought of PTSD as being reserved for war veterans and victims of violent crime -- a reaction to one disturbing event. But apparently there is also Cumulative PTSD -- it is more an accumulation of traumatic mental stressors. It's not one event but a build up of toxic events that chips away at you until you reach your breaking point. One article compared it to being a redwood tree -- you don't chop it down with one blow but if you took a swing at it every day for 17 years (how long I've been in this field) -- a little nick here, a big chop there, eventually the tree will fall. I was falling.<br />
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I had ALL of the physical symptoms listed -- fatigue, thirst, sleeping issues, intestinal issues, anxiety, irritability, twitches, headaches. Stress was breaking me down. My nerves were shot. I was hanging by a fraying thread. This year had been tough on me with my crazy schedule but now I'd reached a point where I just couldn't take it anymore.<br />
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I made an appointment to see my doctor. The moment I set foot in her office I started bawling and couldn't stop. I told her what had been going on at work and how I'd been feeling and how I'd heard about Cumulative PTSD and maybe this was what I was going through? She recommended I take some time off to rest and recuperate. She was also referring me to a psychiatrist but she said it would could a few weeks to get an appointment. In the meantime I sought out a counselor, an expert in PTSD and she was helpful. Just having a break from the stress of work was a help.<br />
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The counselor asked if I was a danger to myself (it's a standard risk assessment when someone is in crisis.) "No," I assured her, "I could never do that to Michelle. I'm all she's got." I'm Michelle's Mom above all, no matter what I'm going through, I have to be there for her. And thankfully she hasn't seen me at my worst. I was able to hide it from her though it's tough. Sometimes it feels like I step out of a horror movie (at work) and into Disney movie Mom mode and the contrast is jarring to say the least. When I see what's going on in the world (at work, in the news etc) it certainly seems like the world is falling apart and yet people drop their kids off at school, mow their lawns, have mundane conversations, act like everything is normal. Sometimes it feels surreal to me. Sleep deprivation doesn't help. Being constantly exhausted makes you feel more fragile and unstable. I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares. Sometimes it feels like life is a nightmare. But Michelle is happy and healthy and her life is perfect. Thankfully she isn't affected by the dark reality that I've been living in.<br />
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The counselor had me close my eyes and visualize a horizontal line. In the middle of the line was a dot. I was to focus on that dot. Then she said to imagine an arrow going to the left of the line. She said that that is the past and that thinking/dwelling on it will create sadness. Then I was to imagine an arrow going to the right of the dot. That is the future. Thinking and worrying about it would create stress and anxiety. The only place to find peace was to focus on the dot, to be in the present. She had me describe things in the room, sights, scents, etc to ground me. I realized how my mind had been jumping from past to future and that I was rarely in the moment. Dwelling on the past creates depression and on the future creates anxiety. There are a few moments when I'm present and calm -- when I'm doing yoga, at the beach etc. The key is to find a way to hold on to that peace even when I'm faced with stressful situations -- at work, in traffic etc. How can you be present in the moment when it's not a moment you want to be in?<br />
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I felt so fragile I worried I was having a nervous breakdown. I always wondered what it actually means to have a "nervous breakdown." What happens? I pictured someone just stopping their car in the middle of the road and primal screaming until someone finally comes and takes them away...Or a woman dressed in a tiara and evening gown with mascara dripping down her face and clown lipstick, going into a grocery store and emptying boxes of Fruit Loops onto the floor. But maybe it's not as dramatic as that. Maybe it's as mundane as what I was going through -- just crying and crying. Crying at work. Crying as I drive. Crying as I take Michelle to school. Crying in the grocery store. At the doctor's office. Thank God for sunglasses. Thank God for people being so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't notice you breaking down right in front of them.<br />
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I was a jangle of nerves. Crying at the drop of a hat. Irritable AF. So jittery I'd jump out of my skin at any sudden noise. I was losing it. The only times I felt somewhat calm were when I was laughing with Michelle or my sister, doing yoga. In those moments I could be present and find my Zen. Unfortunately I didn't seem to be very good at holding on to it when I was in the midst of chaos. That's what I had to learn -- how to breathe and find my calm centre even when in the middle of a stressful situation.<br />
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Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I wound up writing a song about Cumulative PTSD:<br />
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The Tree -- an original song by Ann Marie Pincivero:<br />
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I needed to relax. One of the tools I was given was to do deep diaphragmatic breathing. I did an exercise where you time your breaths. I took (what I thought were) exaggeratedly slow breaths and counted 14 breaths per minute. Apparently 8 was average. (A complete inhalation and exhalation counts as 1 breath.) So if I was almost DOUBLE the average even when I was trying to breathe SLOWLY imagine how fast my breathing normally is? Or when I'm stressed? I'm probably hyperventilating. Shallow breathing worsens your anxiety. You're not getting enough oxygen. It's why people tell you to calm down and take a deep breath. It's actually good advice if you really do it. When I take my deep breaths and do yoga and visualize the beach (or actually go!) I am able to find my Zen and calm down temporarily. But as soon as I have to deal with the stress of work/driving in bad traffic etc, my fight or flight primitive brain kicks in. The counsellor told me that this is the amygdala. It controls how we react to potential threats. When you're severely stressed, it's cranked up to full blast. ANGER FEAR PANIC FREAKING OUT! Now in prehistoric days that instinct to attack or flee was necessary and kept you alive. It kept you alert. You reacted to real threats. You fought (anger) or you ran (fear.) But in modern society (hopefully!) our stressors usually aren't life-threatening: traffic, work, things going wrong. They probably won't kill us, they're just aggravating but our brains are still wired to panic. Some more than others.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ow_pTxzLyrw/We89rY3H6QI/AAAAAAAAP7Y/KiU3islv2n4RFpHQ5D3fUl4596SlKNuNQCLcBGAs/s1600/breakdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="230" data-original-width="445" height="165" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ow_pTxzLyrw/We89rY3H6QI/AAAAAAAAP7Y/KiU3islv2n4RFpHQ5D3fUl4596SlKNuNQCLcBGAs/s320/breakdown.jpg" width="320" /></a>When you're fragile and on edge you can have an extreme reaction to everything. It's hard to tone it down. You're on high alert all the time. You can't deal. Lack of sleep alone can drive you nuts. You're so exhausted you feel fragile. And even as tired as you are you can't sleep. You lay there and think and worry. And then even if you fall asleep you have nightmares, wake up and can't get back to sleep. Some days I'm just a stressed out mess! One day my face was twitching so bad I almost couldn't see. I was shaking. I felt like I was literally going to fall apart. Like a cracked vase barely held together with glue in the middle of an earthquake. I was worried everyone would stare at me but they probably didn't even notice. We think people see our flaws but most of the time they have their own stuff going on and probably couldn't care less what's going on with you.<br />
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I know that there is a wide arsenal of anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications out there. I don't believe in popping pills. I've seen what they can do to people. As far as I can tell sometimes the side effects are worse than what they're supposed to cure! It seems to me that drugs either bring you up or down artificially and it's far from a perfect system: Anti-anxiety meds cause depression and anti-depressants cause anxiety. It's like a teeter totter playing with your brain chemistry. They can't get it just right. I don't trust it. Now everyone is different and if you have found something that works for you and does not have harmful side effects, then more power to you. But what works for you may not work for everyone. We are all individuals with our own unique brain chemistry. I don't even drink and have never tried drugs (aside from prescription pain killers after surgery which I was careful to limit) because I don't like the feeling of losing control to a substance. I would just rather work things out behaviourally instead of popping pills. I would rather learn tools to relax and become more resilient. I would rather just find my peace than to become dependent on something artificial to escape being me. I still want to be me. I would just like to be a more relaxed, less stressed out version!<br />
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I may end up seeing a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist because as it turns out psychologists focus more on changing behaviours while psychiatrists, medical doctors, tend to rely on prescribing medications (pill pushers.) I know it's not a popular opinion but I don't believe in drugs or alcohol. I think they're evil and at the root of 75% percent of society's problems. People use them as an escape but they are not a healthy escape. They make your life worse. And the reality is that if you are unhappy with yourself, nothing can fill that void. Drugs and alcohol won't. Eating, gambling, sex or any other addiction won't. The only thing that can fill that void in you is LOVE. Self-love, love of others, love of nature. I know the whole "Peace and love, man" thing makes me sound like a hippie but really that's what the world needs. If we all loved OURSELVES, EACH OTHER and OUR PLANET would we have the problems we're facing today? Violence, drug addiction, global warming, disasters etc? When you hate yourself, when you walk around angry and hostile with the world, it adds to the negativity in the world. It becomes a destructive force. Of course it's easy for me to say as I type this. But it's another story when someone cuts me off on the highway and I'm screaming. (A couple of posts ago I talked about wearing a shirt that said "Be Kind." These days I almost wish I had a shirt that said "F$%^ this Sh$#!" or "I hate everyone!" Then again this may not be the best example for Michelle...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0Kx8LWqZoJk/We8-owO5ecI/AAAAAAAAP7s/5_eKcSwAYRUex2k6tyjj7F-hb-bnSCU_wCLcBGAs/s1600/Fu%2Bthis%2Bsh%2BAlice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="502" data-original-width="498" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0Kx8LWqZoJk/We8-owO5ecI/AAAAAAAAP7s/5_eKcSwAYRUex2k6tyjj7F-hb-bnSCU_wCLcBGAs/s320/Fu%2Bthis%2Bsh%2BAlice.jpg" width="317" /></a>I found this meme on a particularly bad day and it made me smile. You have to try to keep your sense of humour, no matter what. Sometimes it's harder than others. Sometimes you feel like Alice in Wonderland -- that the world is a dark place and makes no sense and you just want to yell "F*%$ this sh$*!"<br />
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My sister May is amazing. She always manages to make me laugh through tears. She knows just what to say to put things in perspective. Talking to her helped. The counselor helped as well. I'm not OK but I've been told it's OK not to be OK. And I'm working on it. I'm doing deep breathing and yoga. I even booked a massage (for the first time EVER!) I'm not shy about admitting I need help. I need to relax. I am trying to do relaxing things. Unfortunately life happens. It seems there is always something to stress about...<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LIcpQ5u7mO0/We8-Aq7dAAI/AAAAAAAAP7g/E0Cqxc5gFDA9yNNHkcTmSCOk8Mft-VaAwCLcBGAs/s1600/Happy%2BBunny%2Beverything%2Bis%2Bgreat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LIcpQ5u7mO0/We8-Aq7dAAI/AAAAAAAAP7g/E0Cqxc5gFDA9yNNHkcTmSCOk8Mft-VaAwCLcBGAs/s1600/Happy%2BBunny%2Beverything%2Bis%2Bgreat.jpg" /></a>Sometimes life gives you signs. My brakes were making a scraping noise. "Great," I thought. "One more thing to worry about!" Breakdown/brake down... It's no wonder of course. With all my commuting I do more kilometers in a year than some people would in 10 years. I took the car in for service. I was not thrilled about it. The price tag was even worse than I thought. I thanked the guy at the desk for calling me "Miss" instead of "Ma'am" anyway. I hate Ma'am. "Well why would I call a young girl Ma'am?" Again, thanks for calling me a young girl. Of course he was just trying to soften me up before he dropped the bomb. I needed my brakes FRONT AND REAR, replaced. Great. It was sort of a metaphor for my life: Pushed to the limit, scraping metal, nothing left. I needed to SLOW the F&*% DOWN! I had a visit with my sister to cheer me up while they worked on the car. The shuttle driver was probably sorry he started a conversation about current events. The news was on the radio. There was another shooting. Yes the world has gone to Hell. The driver got an earful about my anxiety over the world falling apart. A different driver picked me up afterward. He had classical music playing and didn't say a word. It was definitely much more calming than news radio. Focus on the beauty...<br />
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When I went in to pick up my car and saw the invoice I said in a deadpan voice "Well I hope you know you've murdered Christmas."<br />
The guy at the desk chuckled nervously.<br />
"I guess I'll tell my daughter that Santa died of a fentanyl overdose like everyone else."<br />
"You're really funny!" the guy said.<br />
"I'm having a nervous breakdown," I replied.<br />
Of course I'm kidding about Santa. I would never say anything like that to Michelle. (Though my Mom told me one of our relatives during the Depression told the kids Santa had committed suicide and that's why they wouldn't have any presents. I really hope she's making it up or it's an urban legend because that's messed up.) No. Santa is alive and well. No matter what Michelle will still get her present from Santa and presents from me. It will just be a little tougher. But there always seems to be $omething. Last year it was the furnace. Sh#* happens. Especially around Christmas time.<br />
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Of course my problems seem awfully small in comparison to the horrendous things going on in the world lately. As one of my friends suggested I have to stop focusing so much on the negative, to stop reading about and listening to the horrors in the news (which just makes me feel more stressed, hopeless and helpless), to just find my happy place and try to forget that the world is in the crapper. There is so much ugliness and pain in the world but there is also so much beauty and so much joy. There is LOVE. That's what we need to hold on to...I still have a lot to be grateful for. Mostly Michelle. And there are always things to look forward to. On the bad days I just have to trust that better days are coming. Somehow I got through September. As I write this actually now we are almost through October! And there's Halloween to look forward to...Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-54323077325352272132017-08-31T21:29:00.002-04:002017-09-14T01:58:47.417-04:00High Five!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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At least I know it's not just me. At work everyone was talking about how fast the Summer had gone. On the radio someone remarked that it's like we skipped straight from June to August. Where did July go?! It blows my mind that it's August already (and by the time I finish this post it may even be September! I can't even...) Of course even the past five years have flown by! My little girl turned 5 years old. It's crazy! My baby is FIVE?!<br />
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This is a post about June and July and I swear they were over in under a minute. It's like someone has their finger on the fast forward button... Time is speeding up. It goes by more quickly every year. Maybe it's not our imagination. Maybe time really IS speeding up! Maybe the Earth is spinning just a little bit faster. Or maybe it's because we're just so busy, constantly spinning ourselves and we feel like we can never keep up. When I was a kid I remember when a lazy Summer day felt like it lasted forever. I miss that. But it's different when you're a kid. No responsibilities. All the time in the world to relax, daydream, play... Maybe I'll win a lottery and get to feel that way again! But for now I'm pretty frazzled!<br />
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I love Michelle's artwork and I'm touched when she makes me cards/love notes for no particular occasion. One day she gave me this card and it blew me away when I read what she said inside: "When there is an empty feeling inside me you make me happier. You brighten up the whole world and you brighten up me and that's what makes me me." (I corrected the spelling but the words were her own. I thought it was pretty deep from a FOUR YEAR OLD! So sweet. It brought tears to my eyes. Michelle brightens up my world too!)<br />
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My little butterfly! Yes one day she just randomly decided she wanted to dress up like a butterfly -- because why not?! The wings we picked up at the gift shop on one of our many trips to the Butterfly Conservatory. The dress is a Mariposa Barbie Fairy outfit. And Michelle added the Princess tiara.<br />
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Michelle has a vivid imagination and is always role playing that she's someone or other. She usually includes me in her game as well. Often we'll be characters from her fave movies (Poppy and Branch from "Trolls" etc) or she'll pretend to be a Princess, Fairy, butterfly, or all three! She loves to dance around, singing her own made up songs. She expects me to watch her and applaud. If I'm in the middle of housework etc, she'll take a moment to go "Ahem!" after her performance if I didn't applaud automatically. She definitely loves being the center of attention and as an only child she gets to be!<br />
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A family portrait of my girls and me. It doesn't always happen. And we're all looking/smiling! Sort of. Michelle has a silly, mischievous grin. Even Ali is looking at the camera. She doesn't always join us for a picture, even with coaxing.<br />
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There's no place like home and I'm always happy and relieved to be back home with my girls, especially after being out of town for days working etc.<br />
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Grandma and Grandpa's house is our second home and we're there quite often these days. One of our favourite things in the nice weather is sitting on the swing in the backyard and having ice cream. It's one of our summer rituals. I like to relax on the swing for a bit before work on nightshift or after work on dayshift. It is a treat just to take a breather for a bit. And ice cream is ALWAYS a treat!<br />
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Michelle loves running around and playing in Grandma's big backyard. I love this picture with the sun behind her making her hair glow gold.<br />
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I play ball and hide and seek with her but sometimes I'm so exhausted I just sit and watch her while she runs around. Her energy is boundless. I don't think I EVER had that much energy! Not even as a child. I'm glad when Michelle runs around and gets it out of her system so that she'll settle down and sleep well at night. (It doesn't always work but it's worth a shot! Sometimes nothing will settle her down. She's like a force of nature, an endless ball of energy and enthusiasm. I get tired just looking at her!)<br />
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Running around the yard apparently wasn't sufficient to wear her out that day. Michelle then wanted to go to the park. I was exhausted and just wanted to relax on the backyard swing but I didn't want to disappoint her so I dragged myself to the park (pulling her in the wagon. Which is even more exhausting for me!)<br />
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It was worth it. Michelle was thrilled. This is a great shot with her smiling and swinging, the sunshine in her hair.) She got up pretty high. I always have to give her a starting push but then she keeps herself going pretty well. "I'm flying Mama!"<br />
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It's safe to say that Michelle and I are girly girls. We both love dressing up and there always seems to be a special occasion to dress up for. In June it was Shannon and Reggie's birthday. Michelle was psyched. She loves visiting with her cousins at Auntie May's anyway and a big family party with the whole gang is even better!<br />
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We dropped by Grandma's house first and took Grandma shopping before heading over for the party. This is a selfie on the porch.<br />
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Selfie: Trying on dresses with my girl! Michelle loves shopping almost as much as I do. It's fun having a buddy to shop with now. It's quite different from when she was a baby and I had to worry about her screaming in the stroller so I had to run around and grab what I needed before she had a meltdown. It's much easier now. Michelle seems so grown up in so many ways. Sometimes it's like she's a teenager already! I can't believe the expressions she comes up with: she'll roll her eyes and say "Tell me about it!" or "Oh COME ON!"<br />
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We went in the change room with several dresses for each of us. Michelle lets me know which outfits work -- "That looks FABULOUS Mama!" and which ones don't -- "Maybe not THAT one Mama..." And she LOVES trying dresses on herself. She pretty much loved all of them. I can't resist spoiling her. It's hard to say no to my little doll. Especially when it's on sale! #WinnersFabFind!<br />
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At Auntie May's for the big double birthday party! It still blows my mind that Shannon and Reggie share the SAME BIRTHDAY ten years apart! What are the odds?! Life is just strange that way. I don't think the kids lose anything by sharing a birthday. They still get to have separate parties with their friends and then the big combined party with the family.<br />
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Michelle always likes to bring a stuffie buddy with her everywhere (in the car, to school, wherever) but she keeps changing her mind which one is her favourite stuffie. At this point it was her colourful (pink, purple and turquoise) penguin from Grandma. Other times it's a stuffed cat/bear/whatever one she randomly chooses that day/week. Unfortunately she insists on holding them in photos as well... Sometimes even right in front of her face!<br />
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It's always fun playing with the photo filters on Shannon's i-phone. This one was kind of bizarre but suited Michelle -- a crown made of mini-Michelle's -- perfect for my little Princess! I wasn't that crazy about it on me. It only allows one selfie princess at a time.<br />
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Michelle got a kick out of seeing tons of tiny Michelles shaped into a crown. I look hideous here. I guess I was in the middle of trying to say something but it just winds up looking like a sneer or something. I should have tried to crop me out of it entirely but I LOVE it of Michelle! The filter seems to add a little makeup to the face as well. Michelle looks quite glamorous!<br />
"Mama I look GORGEOUS!"<br />
Laughing "Yes you do, baby!"<br />
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I always like to get pictures outside in natural light when it's possible though obviously the sun was a little too bright for Michelle here and she's almost squinting.<br />
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May has such a lovely garden in the backyard it makes a great backdrop for photos. We should have turned a different way so there wouldn't be a glare. We managed another pose where we're not squinting. I prefer not to wear sunglasses in photos if it can be avoided, especially when we're all dressed up. As you can see, she's still got her penguin in her arms...<br />
"Can we get a photo WITHOUT the penguin, Michelle?"<br />
"No!"<br />
"Ok then..."<br />
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Michelle had a ball playing with her cousin and cousins-in-law in the playroom in the basement. And yes she still had her penguin with her.<br />
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The kids were playing nicely and I was relieved not to hear any screaming. Sometimes I almost forgot about them for a few minutes but whenever I went to check they were so good. It was surprising because usually when you have a group of kids running amok at least one of them is guaranteed to get hurt. Half the time it's Michelle but we got lucky that day.<br />
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Getting a group shot of just our family (the Pincivero clan) is challenging enough. When my brother in law's family is there as well, it's a REALLY large group and nearly impossible to get everyone looking and smiling! I make the effort though because I think it's cool to have a photo of the whole group. Even if most of them are rolling their eyes at me and grumbling about having to go pose for the photo. I tell them they don't have a choice so indulge me and get it over with!<br />
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I absolutely love this photo of Shannon and Reggie! Even though Shannon looks a little weary she looks SO BEAUTIFUL and Reggie looks adorable. It's that whole party-winding-down, post-cake, it's been a-fun-day-but-a-long-day feeling. Reggie may pester Shannon now and then (as little brothers tend to do!) but you can feel the love between them. They are quite different considering they were born the same day. Reggie is full of energy and outgoing. Shannon is more quiet and reserved. Then again the age difference and boy vs girl probably accounts for that as well.<br />
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Another Princess shot of Michelle from Shannon's i-phone app filter thing, with a diamond tiara, eyeliner and lipgoss!<br />
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I love this picture of Michelle even though it's a little scary -- a glimpse of her as a teenager! She looks so grown up and glamorous!<br />
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Michelle was quite fond of this photo of herself. I can just imagine what a Diva she will be as a teenager when she already loves dressing up/makeup/posing for selfies! She'll be unstoppable. 4 years going on 14...<br />
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It's typical that she gets to be the Princess and I am just her lowly servant! Again, the app only allows for ONE princess...<br />
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On a rainy day when we couldn't have our ice cream on the swing in the backyard, we settled for having ice cream cones on Grandma's porch...<br />
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I actually love thunderstorms and enjoy watching the rain from the enclosed porch. Michelle always waves and smiles at everyone who passes by but we didn't see too many people walking out in the rain.<br />
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I bought a box of cones and some Neopolitan ice cream to keep at Grandma's house for our visits. Grandma usually just has Maple Walnut or Dark Chocolate. We go through it pretty quickly once Summer hits! Something about Summer just makes me crave ice cream, burgers and hot dogs, potato salad and corn on the cob! Craving them all now as I type this!<br />
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Michelle was asking to go to the beach even in the middle of Winter, so now that the weather was actually warming up we were anxious to go.<br />
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"What do you want to do today?" I asked Michelle.<br />
"Go to the BEACH!" she exclaimed.<br />
"Me too!" I agreed.<br />
Done.<br />
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We put on our swimsuits and sunscreen, packed up our towels and sand toys and made our first trip to Port Dover Beach. I told her the water would be way too cold (and likely polluted!) to go in but we could play in the sand at least...<br />
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We almost had the beach to ourselves. There were just a few other stragglers. It was so nice to see the palm trees again! We planted ourselves right underneath one. It's one of my favourite places sitting on the beach, listening to the water and the seagulls, watching Michelle play. There's nothing like it.<br />
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Michelle loves the beach too -- running around, playing in the sand, chasing (and feeding) the seagulls. She wanted to go in the water until she saw how cold it was.<br />
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Building a sandcastle is a little easier with our castle pails. I help Michelle build the castle and then she likes to stomp on it. We were both collecting pails of water. I told her to be careful not to get water in her face (the water is questionable at the best of times and at the start of the season after a lot of storms you just don't know.) At one point she was carrying a pail of water and splashed me in the eye. It wasn't ideal. There were some people brave (crazy?) enough to swim in the water and they survived.<br />
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I told Michelle to stay at the edge of the water and not go too deep. With the wind the waves were pretty high and at one point she got splashed.<br />
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There's never a time we go to the beach that Michelle doesn't get soaked and COVERED head to toe in sand! (Which is later in the car, at home, everywhere she goes.) I've just gotten used to having sand everywhere and it's OK because it reminds me of the beach. One day I really should vacuum out my car though. I have enough sand on the floor to MAKE a beach and that's from last Summer! Michelle loves playing in the sand and I thought about getting her a little sandbox for the yard but it's just as easy to take her to the park or the beach to play in the Summer.<br />
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Michelle is very social (the opposite of me!) Everywhere we go she talks to other kids and makes friends.<br />
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Michelle is always asking me "Can I go talk to that girl/boy/lady/dog?" And I'm always somewhat reluctant.<br />
"Do you have to? It makes me uncomfortable..."<br />
It's in her nature to be outgoing but I'm more shy and reserved so I sort of cringe and feel awkward when she wants to introduce herself to strangers. Sometimes it's not appropriate (when they're much older than her etc.) I wouldn't do it in a million years! Michelle is fearless! Usually kids are very receptive to her and she makes another new friend!<br />
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This photo of Michelle chasing seagulls on the beach GIVES ME LIFE! People can make fun of me all they want for taking too many photos but I will never apologize for my obsession with capturing the moment. To me, this is magic. To able to freeze the action -- to have forever this instant where Michelle is running, her hair in the wind and seagulls in flight -- is awesome. It is why I'm a photoholic. And I will never stop taking pictures. To me it's as natural as breathing. It's an imperative. It's a celebration of life. To capture the magic and the beauty of these moments is EVERYTHING!<br />
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Nothing knocks you out more than a day at the beach, playing in the sun. Many times when we're heading home, Michelle will fall asleep.<br />
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I have recurring back and shoulder injuries that are constantly aggravated -- sometimes by randomly twisting a certain way (even sneezing etc!) bending over or lifting something. Probably the worst is lifting Michelle out of the car but I keep doing it when she falls asleep. So on the way home from the beach Michelle fell asleep and (dope that I am!) I carried her in the house. As soon as I picked her up I felt the twinge in my back and the pain got worse as the night wore on. Dang. All because I didn't have the heart to disturb her. The sacrifices I make for my girl! I am so OWNED.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-66-_QdcdGgc/WYVQYU-1n0I/AAAAAAAAOfU/LMs4rftF7HIw_MN3Ef8FJHMPiYeGTsaTQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8865.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1311" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-66-_QdcdGgc/WYVQYU-1n0I/AAAAAAAAOfU/LMs4rftF7HIw_MN3Ef8FJHMPiYeGTsaTQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8865.JPG" width="262" /></a>The next day my back was worse, on top of that my eyes were red. Whether it was just a coincidence or whether it was getting splashed in the eye with lake water I wasn't sure but I seemed to have an eye infection. Awesome. Between my sore back and sore eyes, I wasn't in any shape to go anywhere. I should have been staying home but I'd promised Michelle that we'd go to "Donkey Day" and beast of burden that I am, I muddled through, for her sake. The pain of dealing with her pouty lip and disappointment would be worse than my physical discomfort.<br />
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Michelle was so excited I didn't want to disappoint her. When there are so many weekends where I work I like to do fun things with her on the weekends where I'm off. But between long hours at work and taking Michelle out I felt completely drained, broken and falling apart! Never getting any sleep and being under constant stress doesn't help either! I needed a massage and a good ten hours' sleep but it didn't seem like I had a snowball's chance in Hell of getting either! LOL<br />
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On the wagon ride at the Donkey Sanctuary! I'd never been there before. They're not generally open to the public but once a year they have a special Donkey Day where you can go and visit them and they have fun things for the kids. I'd made the mistake of promising Michelle I'd take her and I never like to break a promise even though if I had any sense I would have said "Look. I know I told you we'd go but now Mama is in pain and beyond exhausted and needs to rest." I just took some painkillers and hoped for the best...<br />
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I did manage to enjoy myself despite my discomfort. The truth is I will endure just about anything in the name of photography! Give me a photo op and I am SO THERE! Michelle didn't even complain about all the pictures because she knew she owed me big time!<br />
"Poor Mama is feeling terrible and I still dragged my a$$ to Donkey Day! Who's a hero?!" And I have the photographic evidence to prove it.<br />
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Michelle wearing her cat ears (or they could be donkey ears!) and standing on the fence near one of the donkeys. We were a little disappointed that you weren't allowed to ride or feed the donkeys but you could see them, pet them and brush them.<br />
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They were adorable. Poor donkeys don't always get respect. They're often the subject of ridicule. I feel for them. Eeyore is my spirit animal. Yes I can fully relate to the weary donkey on Winnie the Pooh with the rain cloud over his head and his tail always falling off.<br />
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The Donkey Sanctuary is a refuge for donkeys (and mules) that were neglected or abused and couldn't be cared for by their owners anymore. We loved them!<br />
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Trying to take a selfie with my old fashioned camera is a bit of a challenge and there isn't always a place to set the camera for the self-timer. (Oh to have a flat surface nearby every photo op! LOL #PhotoholicProblems!)<br />
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A kind stranger offered to take our picture. I was hoping to get the donkey in the background looking as well but I guess that was too much to hope for! (You just see his ears and his back behind us.)<br />
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Everywhere we go Michelle manages to find stuffies and things that she wants. I wound up getting her a couple of little stuffed donkeys at a gift booth. Yes she's a tad spoiled! If something only costs a couple of bucks how can I say no?!<br />
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Michelle wanted her face painted. The girl was about to go on her break but kindly agreed to paint Michelle's face first. She wanted a cat nose and whiskers to go with her ears. I can't resist an adorable photo op so I was all for it!<br />
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Michelle spotted the bouncy castle and was anxious to head there. I'll never forget her first time in one, a Sponge Bob bouncy castle with Reggie at a Canada Day celebration when she was a toddler. We waited in line for half an hour only to have Michelle want to get out after 30 seconds because she thought the fan noise was too loud. She's still not a fan of loud speakers, fans, dryers or toilets and covers her ears in public bathrooms. Ironically she can scream louder than just about everything. Her excited squeals must register at 194 decibels! (I'm being facetious. That is actually the loudest sound possible -- literally the largest pressure variation an undistorted sound wave can have in Earth's atmosphere... But Michelle's scream is probably like, 193...)<br />
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Obviously Michelle outgrew her aversion to loud bouncy castle fans because she LOVES being in them now. Unfortunately they only let the kids stay in there a couple of minutes before kicking them out for the next batch of kids and you had to wait in line again each time. I let her go a few times but then my patience was wearing thin. Sitting on the grass wasn't much better than standing as far as my back pain went...<br />
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This was the worst idea ever! Kids can paint their hand and leave their handprint on the donkey and enter a contest to name her. Michelle made up the name "Silly" for the silly multi-coloured donkey. The problem was they didn't have soap and water nearby. All they had was a bucket of (very dirty paint-filled!) water and some paper towels. We could not get the blue paint off Michelle's hand and it was quite frustrating. At least it wasn't red paint (or she definitely would have been caught red-handed. Lame pun, I know!)<br />
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Michelle knew she had no choice but to pose for pictures (because after all she dragged me out with my bad back and bad eyes to go to Donkey Day for Pete's sake!) but she did start losing patience with my photo obsession.<br />
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Michelle clearly did NOT want to pose for this photo as evidenced by her surly expression. However, even with her frowning, I LOVE this picture! It makes me laugh. I love that the camera is low (I set it on my purse on the ground) and we're sitting on a hill with the barn behind us. It's just a funny perspective and reminds me of like a country band album cover or something.<br />
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Michelle was NOT amused. I think part of it was also that she wanted to spend the whole day in the bouncy castle but I insisted we walk around and actually SEE THE DONKEYS! And get photos of course.<br />
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Another photo op and I was all over it!<br />
"Oh look Michelle! A fire truck! Isn't that cool?!"<br />
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Michelle got to sit in the driver's seat. She was excited about that. One of the firefighters was kind enough to snap a photo for us. Michelle even got a little souvenir firefighter's hat! Of course then Mama was stuck carrying it the rest of the day.<br />
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I did it! I actually managed to get a selfie with Michelle AND the donkey looking! Michelle is even smiling!<br />
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It is a little awkward and I don't like selfies because to me it's just too close (I need a selfie stick but I don't think they work with old cameras like mine!) and I look hideous but it's cute of Michelle and the donkey so I'm happy.<br />
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A passerby suggested taking a photo for us so I was grateful then it would be a more normal distance.<br />
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"Make sure you get the donkey in please!" I asked like a nerd, because, you know, it's all about the donkeys!<br />
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Grateful when I can rely on the kindness of strangers... (in my best Blanche DuBois southern accent...)<br />
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The photo turned out great! Michelle looks adorable here petting a donkey. I don't even mind me here though my face is a little red (at least it matches my eyes!)<br />
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The donkey reminds me of Eeyore. I guess they all have that somewhat gloomy downcast expression. You do occasionally catch them smiling/laughing but I guess it's not often. "Hee Haw!"<br />
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Michelle wanted to feed the donkey grass but the staff told her it's not allowed. They don't look vicious but I guess they do have strong teeth and might accidentally bite you?<br />
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People around us were debating whether this was a horse or a donkey. I was pretty sure he was somewhere in between. I love Michelle's smile here as she brushes the mule. A woman nearby was worried about Michelle getting hurt falling off the fence but I would have caught her. I trusted her to hold on. Plus it made for really cute photos -- PRIORITIES! LOL<br />
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The donkeys and mules were so adorable I almost forgot about the pain in my back. Extra Strength Tylenols may have helped too...<br />
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Of course I couldn't resist posing in front of some pretty flowers as well.<br />
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Michelle and I were almost dressed in matching tops -- both in navy with a floral pattern. Yes, nerd that I am I like to dress us alike whenever possible (as I've mentioned before.) If I could find matching dresses in both sizes I'd be ALL OVER THAT! In these pictures Michelle's cat whiskers are starting to look more like a mustache but she's still cute!<br />
"Mama do we HAVE TO get another picture?"<br />
"Yes."<br />
"Can we go back to the bouncy castle after?"<br />
"Yes."<br />
So we both win.<br />
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Sometimes I set up the self timer and it's a total dud -- it comes out blurry or we have a stupid expression or God knows what. You have to just go on faith because you're not behind the camera to see what it's actually taking. But sometimes you get lucky.<br />
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I absolutely LOVE this picture! The sunlight was coming through the barn boards in a soft glow -- Such a flattering light. You can't even tell how red my eyes were. You can't tell that I was too hot and in pain. You can't tell that I would have rather been home in bed. I love this photo because it's why I take so many photos: <b>The photo is your better life.</b> No matter what may really be going on inside or behind the scenes, you smile and the camera clicks and life seems perfect for a moment.<br />
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Michelle looks so sweet here too. This photo made my day although I did love the whole day and was grateful for the experience with Michelle. Even though I would pay for it later... (My back pain and eyes got worse.)<br />
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The wagon ride back to the car. It was an exhausting day with a lot of walking. I was REALLY going to need a rest after this.<br />
"Thank you for taking me to Donkey Day Mama!" Michelle exclaimed, "I LOVED IT!"<br />
I'm glad that my girl appreciates the things I do for her. Sometimes being a single Mom feels like the weight of the world on your back and you do so much and you don't even know if it's just taken for granted. But she knew it was hard on me and she was thankful I made the effort.<br />
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We even made a pit stop while traveling on 6 to see the dinosaurs (because really, how do you drive by a bunch of dinosaurs and NOT STOP?! If you're a photoholic it's imperative.)<br />
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So we got a selfie with a dinosaur (because, you just HAVE TO!) I was happy to find a flat surface to set the camera on. It's actually a patio furniture store so there are a plethora of items to sit a camera on.<br />
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It was worth stopping for photos even though we wound up getting stuck in rush hour (which should be called SLOW HOUR because you don't move!) traffic on the way home. Michelle fell asleep. I unfortunately didn't have that option.<br />
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So Michelle was asleep in the car and because I'm a complete idiot, I carried her into the house AGAIN. I just didn't have the heart to wake her. And I figured my back already hurt. It can't be MORE hurt right? (Just like when you're already late you can't be MORE late, right?) Wrong. My back was not impressed. I messed it up even worse.<br />
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That night I couldn't sleep. I got up and cried. I was beyond exhausted and overwhelmed. I needed a break but there never was a break. (Which admittedly was partly my own fault!) Meanwhile I was supposed to work a 16 hour nightshift the next day. I looked in the mirror. My red eyes were even MORE red. I looked like a monster. And my back was killing and the Tylenol wasn't helping. When you're exhausted and you can't sleep because you're in pain it's just a whole world of suck. Sleep deprivation can drive you crazy.<br />
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The next day Michelle felt bad for me. She made me a Get Well card. "I hope you get betr." I love her creative spellings.<br />
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After dropping her off at school I had been planning to try to get a couple of hours' sleep before going to work but I decided I really should see a doctor. I didn't want to go too far so I went to a walk in clinic in town. I called first. I'd never been before so I wanted to check the hours. They didn't open until 10 a.m. so I showed up at 10 and was annoyed to find a long line up inside. What the?! Apparently the clinic was closed until 10 but the ADJOINING PHARMACY opened at 9 a.m. Lovely. So I waited in a LONG line up of interesting characters. Some of which may or may not have just gotten out of prison. I seemed to be the only one there who wasn't covered in piercings and tattoos. "These are the people in your neighbourhood..." But I had red monster eyes and was wincing in back pain so who am I to judge? No one.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ub70OoM9Xl8/WYVXj2TEm3I/AAAAAAAAOkc/jwq8yaLnMcIIrOj90pRnr3UWFj3UwT64gCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9067.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1135" data-original-width="1600" height="226" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ub70OoM9Xl8/WYVXj2TEm3I/AAAAAAAAOkc/jwq8yaLnMcIIrOj90pRnr3UWFj3UwT64gCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9067.JPG" width="320" /></a>One woman was a dead ringer for Mama June but had a voice like James Earl Jones. Only huskier. It was kind of unnerving. Every time I heard her speak I couldn't help but stare. I couldn't believe that voice was coming out of that person. It just didn't go. Luckily I had my sunglasses on to hide my hideous freak red eyes so she couldn't see me looking. Another woman in the corner looked like a female version of Ozzy Osborne, only a bit rougher. Then there was the frazzled looking woman with her screaming, coughing toddler; the dirty looking cellphone loud talker guy in shorts; the greasy dude with questionable open sores... I sat there nervously, afraid I might actually wind up leaving with something worse than I came in with. I just took it all in behind my dark shades. I thought of the expression "A sight for sore eyes." These sights were making my sore eyes more sore. My crying fit and lack of sleep had NOT done my eye infection any favours. I'm sure this motley crew of characters would have jumped when they saw me if I took off my glasses. We were all a little rough in our own way. This could be why we were at the doctor.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Dp3ewBlsIL4/WYVYCnfJQLI/AAAAAAAAOkk/9bjjKn59tQU6cDfkkgfUEUOiZQaLKJY9ACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9068.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1187" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Dp3ewBlsIL4/WYVYCnfJQLI/AAAAAAAAOkk/9bjjKn59tQU6cDfkkgfUEUOiZQaLKJY9ACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9068.JPG" width="236" /></a>Finally it was my turn. I told the doctor, Dr. Mohammed Mohammedi or something (you may think I'm exaggerating but his first name was a derivation of his last name. I'm not sure why his parents did that but I've seen it before. Like Bryan Bryenson or Wayne Wayne. I mean why? but I'm rambling and this blog is long enough without parenthetical ramblings), that I had sore red eyes and a bad back, was on the verge of a nervous breakdown etc. I swear he flinched when I took my sunglasses off. He gave me prescriptions for my troubles and told me to get some rest.<br />
"Well, I'm supposed to be working a 16 hour nightshift tonight." I explained<br />
He looked at me like I had 6 heads and at that point, maybe I did.<br />
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He suggested that wasn't the best idea. Technically I didn't need a doctor's note but I'd just waited an hour in a line up at this Gong Show of a walk-in clinic and figured I might as well have evidence that I wasn't just having a grand old time at home resting!<br />
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When I read the note, I laughed my head off, even through the pain. I kept it as a souvenir. And it was worth enduring the office, the pain, the red eyes and everything. Here's a photo of the note:<br />
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Maybe something was lost in translation? I guess he was trying to say that I was unfit for work and should take a couple of days off? Or maybe this is just the form letter he gives everyone and he leans toward hyperbole? Putting that I was COMPLETELY DISABLED but would have a miraculous recovery two days later was beyond absurd but was in keeping with the rest of the whole surreal experience. I kept the note in my purse to cheer me up anytime I felt down. The next time I visited at my sister's I showed her the note (because I don't think she believed me) and she laughed her head off. My niece even took a picture of it with her i-phone. You can't make this stuff up! I showed the note to my boss the next time I was in work and he didn't even crack a smile. He just said I only needed a note if I was off more than 2 days.<br />
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At least the eye drops eventually cleared up my eyes and the painkillers, massage chair and not straining myself helped my back. I told Michelle no more carrying her in from the car (I'd have to wake her up if she fell asleep) or piggybacks for a long time until I had a chance to heal.<br />
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Shiftwork is tough on your system, period. Working 12 hour shifts and commuting 2-4 hours on top of it, usually on little to no sleep, is KILLER! It's no wonder I walk around like a zombie most of the time feeling drained and stressed.<br />
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After a crazy busy weekend working I was beyond exhausted. I had to work Father's Day but I was going to make an appearance at my sister's place after work to celebrate with the family. I looked and felt like a giant bag of Hell. </div>
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Of course Michelle doesn't have a dad so for her sake I call it "Grampa Day" and she made a card for Grampa. Her drawing of Grampa looks exactly like him!<br />
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My brothers weren't able to make it but May held the Father's Day celebration at her house and I was happy that dinner was delayed so I arrived just in time! (Even after a hellish drive on the highway and the exit I needed to take being closed off for construction -- SO ANNOYING! I hate when that happens! I swear there seems to be construction EVERYWHERE these days and it never seems to be done! They just close roads indefinitely and it's never finished! But I digress...) Shane was kind enough to barbecue a delicious dinner, even on his day as a dad. Shane has a passion for cooking and loves doing it. That makes one of us!<br />
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I always get the group shots. This time I tried to get one with the Father's Day cookie cake and Cuties, their cat jumped in front of the camera right as the flash went. It was too funny not to include this cat photobomb picture! Hilarious! I just wish Michelle hadn't been blocked because otherwise everyone has such a nice natural smile (laugh!) in this picture. Even my dad, who rarely cracks a smile for photos (he usually looks miserable and/or bewildered in pictures lately).<br />
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The stormy sky was INCREDIBLE -- gold and orange and pink over grey -- so we had to snap a couple of pictures of it. Michelle and I even posed with it.<br />
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I like this photo of me because it's distant enough away that you can't see how tired and weary I look after a long day working on no sleep. Some of the photos of me where it was closer up were absolutely hideous so I didn't include them here! LOL "You look OK from afar but far from OK!"<br />
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It's tough when you have to work unusual hours and days, even on holidays sometimes but I try to always make some time for family. Michelle enjoyed her day at Auntie May's even without me there but she was very happy to see me in the evening when I arrived.<br />
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This Kitty filter is TOO CUTE FOR WORDS! I can't take it! The massive doe eyes, the nose, the fluffy ears! AWWWW! Michelle made a perfect little kitten. I wish I could get a stuffed kitten that looked exactly like her in this photo!<br />
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My mother was adorable as a cat too. And May and Shannon. Everyone looked pretty freaking adorbs as cats. Because how could you not?<br />
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Then again my feline face wasn't quite as cute as the rest. In my defense I was pulling a face in one shot and even when I wasn't making a face, I looked pretty weary having just come off a 14 hour day on no sleep. I wasn't exactly bright eyed and busy tailed. I was more like a scraggly alley cat that's been left outside in the rain for three nights.<br />
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And then there's my Mom as a butterfly. There's something vaguely frightening about this image. Like a bizarre drug induced nightmare or a children's show from the 70s and yet, somehow it suits her. Somehow my Mom's face as this warped little pink and purple butterfly FITS. My sister agreed with me. My Mom just laughed and got a kick out of it. It was a video too. Her little dance made it even creepier. I guess these are the sorts of things they post as ephemeral videos on Snapchat (which is where these filters come from.) I'm vehemently against self-destructing videos however. To me, you hold on to the moment. I like PHOTOS that I can KEEP FOREVER. Not VIDEOS that FADE AWAY forever and they're gone. But I know a lot of people like it. I'm just not very "modern." I don't have these new-fangled (yes I said new-fangled. I am officially from the 1940s!) gadgets and websites.<br />
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I love this photo because it sums up how I feel most of the time -- pretty mixed up!<br />
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My eyes continued to be a problem. Just when I thought they were clearing up they became even more red again and the drops weren't helping. I went to my family doctor this time rather than a walk in. I didn't wear makeup because I was trying to give my eyes a break. I kept my sunglasses on. When I went into her office she asked if I minded if she had a student sit in with us. I said I didn't mind.<br />
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I told her about ongoing issues with my eyes. I admitted that I had continued to wear makeup whenever I was going out. She asked if I thought the makeup made my eyes less red. "No," I replied, "the makeup makes ME less UGLY!" She laughed and said "You're not ugly." "Thank you but yes I am." I told her how I was picked on as a pre-teen and called ugly but years later people were asking if I was a model -- not because I'd transformed into a swan, just an ugly duck with eyeliner. Without makeup I just always feel like that awkward 12 year old ugly duckling. (Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. In my case, it's definitely Maybelline!) Needless to say I don't often (read EVER!) leave the house without makeup unless it's absolutely necessary. And then I try to keep my shades on to hide my naked eyes. To prevent screaming and panic in the streets...<br />
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Ironically it seems makeup was my main problem. The eyeliner, it turns out, was CAUSING my infections. Apparently there are two kinds of pink eye (or conjunctivitis) -- a bacterial infection and an allergic reaction -- either way your eyes become red and inflamed for 10 days. It hadn't occurred to me that my blue eyeliner was causing it. I'd been wearing blue eyeliner for about a year but when my old one ran out I tried a different brand without realizing I'd be allergic to it. I threw it out after the infection (I replaced all my makeup as you're supposed to do) but then bought another one and got another infection. Turns out I'm allergic to something in the blue dye (and since I found out the blue colouring is made from CRUSHED BEETLES?! GROSS! It's not so appealing anymore anyway. Just note if you happen to see the words cochineal or carmine in the ingredients...THERE ARE BEETLES IN IT so decide whether you want beetlejuice -- literally! -- on your eyes, in your mouth or wherever.) So no more blue for me. Just plain old black. On top of the allergies, stress and lack of sleep weren't helping my eyes either. I was a sight with sore eyes.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cqlMNu9M33s/WZkJ3Xe0wlI/AAAAAAAAOnM/EWHFW6Fmh3YORvYpf2ekqRwK3xE4E4c7gCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9156.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cqlMNu9M33s/WZkJ3Xe0wlI/AAAAAAAAOnM/EWHFW6Fmh3YORvYpf2ekqRwK3xE4E4c7gCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9156.JPG" width="240" /></a>And then, because the sore red eyes weren't enough, my ears were a little sore too and I had a ringing/buzzing noise in them so I was guessing I had an ear infection or something and went to the doctor to have her check out my ears. Turns out my ears were fine I was just a combination of super stressed/overtired/possibly dehydrated/having a breakdown etc.<br />
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She also checked out Michelle's ears because she'd complained of them hurting one day but they were fine too. Michelle mostly just wanted to see the doctor to get a lollipop afterwards like she did last time (and she did get one!)<br />
"Mama I like the doctor!"<br />
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Since anti-biotics wouldn't help with allergic conjunctivitis, I was just sort of stuck with it for a week or so and wound up experimenting with home remedies -- green tea bags, turmeric, hot water compresses and avoiding makeup as much as possible etc.<br />
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Eventually (whether through my efforts or just on their own) my eyes became less red. And no more blue eyeliner for me! I loved the look of it but it's not worth the risk of sore red eyes again. And I don't even remember what the brand was that I WASN'T allergic to. It might have been Avon. I'm just not going to risk it anymore. No more blue for me. I also prefer to keep my face INSECT FREE! No "carmine" or "carminic acid" if I can avoid it!<br />
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I always want to make Michelle happy, even when it's hard on me. A perfect example is the Teddy Bear Picnic. The school was having a "Teddy Bear Picnic" where parents could come (teddy bears in tow!) and share a picnic lunch with their kids. Cute, right? Except I was on nightshift. So I basically had to work 12 hours on almost no sleep then drive 2 hours to get Michelle to school then head back home to get 1 hour of sleep and get up to attend her school for the picnic. Not so cute. I was feeling (and looking pretty rough!) It was going to kill me but I couldn't disappoint her. I didn't want to be the one Mom who wasn't there so she sat alone while everyone else had their parents. </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wJjxGrv_10s/WZkLlKxTEqI/AAAAAAAAOn0/QLbRwKbGmpgkyjdM3H70Omh5v080WMFWACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9177.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1204" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wJjxGrv_10s/WZkLlKxTEqI/AAAAAAAAOn0/QLbRwKbGmpgkyjdM3H70Omh5v080WMFWACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9177.JPG" width="240" /></a>I already felt bad I had to miss being a chaperone at the Butterfly Conservatory class trip (even the volunteer space was limited and I'd already been to other class trips so I couldn't have gone anyway and plus I'd taken her to the Butterfly Conservatory NUMEROUS times so it wouldn't hurt for her to go this once without me.) Anyway, feeling like a zombie, trooper that I am I packed up some bears and a picnic lunch and headed to the school. Then of course it rained. Just to make the experience that much more difficult. So there we all were, parents, kids and bears cramped like sardines on the floor in the classroom. We had more bears than anyone. I narrowed it down to 5 (of the approximately 200 bears we possess.) Even though it was far from an ideal situation, I still couldn't resist getting some photos of the experience.<br />
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Grilled cheese sandwiches, cheese and crackers and cupcakes. Hardly a gourmet lunch but it was Michelle's choice. I was cursing myself for bringing cupcakes. They were so messy. I was trying to limit the amount of chocolate crumbs everywhere. It was sort of a losing battle. I barely had room to sit cross-legged without bumping into people. It was kind of crazy. In my sleep deprived state my patience was wearing pretty thin and I was miserable but I forced a smile for Michelle's sake. It wasn't quite the Hallmark moment I'd pictured (sitting in the sunlight on a blanket snapping pictures of my girl smiling with her bears) but I got through it. I'm a good sport when I need to be. The really hard part was that I had to drive another two hours after and work another 12 hour nightshift that night on about 1 hour's sleep and I was ready to drop. It almost made me cry just thinking about it.<br />
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The sun did come out after the picnic was over (of course!) I got another snap of us (and a couple of the bears!) outside. The grass still would have been too wet to set up but it would have been much nicer to have the picnic outside. Of course it's Murphy's Law if something can go wrong, it will.<br />
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I would have given anything to go back to bed and catch at least an hour's sleep but I had to load up the car and head to drop off Michelle at Grandma's and head to work. I get tired just thinking about it!<br />
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Michelle LOVES puddles. She always wants to jump in them. Sometimes I actually let her. If Michelle is wearing her boots and we're on our way home and I know that she can change anyway, I let her splash away. (When we're on our way out somewhere or she's not dressed for it, the answer is no. And then she pouts. I have to draw the line somewhere.)<br />
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Michelle was thrilled to jump in the huge puddle outside of the school. Several other kids gathered. They even built a bridge. Some kids weren't wearing boots and weren't allowed to dive in. She was glad to be one of the lucky ones. She was soaked when we got home. I also discovered that her pink Minnie Mouse rain boots were losing their soles so we had to go shopping for new rain boots.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mcodb90Lops/WZkP-jD0JAI/AAAAAAAAOpo/FHqw7jF8lQIRYZF9qmNyvTIYtoIo_rv3gCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9248.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mcodb90Lops/WZkP-jD0JAI/AAAAAAAAOpo/FHqw7jF8lQIRYZF9qmNyvTIYtoIo_rv3gCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9248.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle loves the indoor playground so she was psyched to go to a birthday party for one of her classmates/friends. It was in the morning so we were still able to make plans for the afternoon -- going to Ribfest with Auntie May! It was going to be a fun-filled (but thoroughly exhausting day). Luckily Michelle's energy never seems to run out.<br />
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Michelle got pretty good at swinging on the rope at the playground. She used to fall right away but with practice (and developing arm strength) she was able to swing all the way across.<br />
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I set the timer so I could get in at least one shot to show that I was there. Other parents just dropped off their kids and left but I stuck around to watch Michelle play, take photos etc. I told her friend's mom I would send her the pictures as well. Some people don't bother to take pictures at all (even of their own kids). Of course I'm a photoholic so I can't resist!<br />
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Michelle had a ball running around and playing with her friends, on top of having Mermaid cupcakes (they were adorable and delicious!) in the party room.<br />
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I was planning to have Michelle's party at home but I could understand why people plan parties out somewhere (to not have that many kids running amok in their house!) I was getting nervous about it. I'd handed out the invitations early because I wanted to catch parents before school ended. A few RSVPd right away that they were coming. Some I never heard from period. I don't get that! How do you not RSVP that you can't make it?! (I knew with it being Summer that a lot of people would have plans but I gave a month's notice so they could have let me know.)<br />
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I loved this rainbow dress when I saw it. SO COLOURFUL! Michelle has a LOT of dresses. She loves dressing up and I can't resist dressing her up for every occasion. Especially a party. She always refers to it as "going to the ball."<br />
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I love her smile here. She wanted to run and play most of the time and didn't want to pose for photos but once I had her cornered in the party room I didn't give her a choice.<br />
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I tried to get a group shot of all the kids but everyone started going different directions and it never happened. It's much harder to do when it's not your own family and you can't really order them around! I was going to have my hands full at Michelle's party! A couple of moms told me I was "very brave" to have a party at home. Brave or crazy. Jury's still out.<br />
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I LOVE this picture. It's just TOO FABULOUS! The outfit, the expression, the star glasses! Perfect! I laughed my head off at this.<br />
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When Michelle and one of her best friends from school tried on their glasses from their party loot bags it was so adorable I insisted on snapping a photo of them. I asked if I could get a smile and then they came up with this. Awesome! My girl is a Diva. No question! It's all about the flashy glasses! Elton John would be proud!<br />
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We left the party and we were off to Auntie May's to go to Ribfest. This would be the busiest (and most fun!) day ever! Michelle was THRILLED!<br />
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I wasn't even planning to get ribs (I wound up getting a pulled pork sandwich that was pretty delicious!) I was mostly there just for the rides and the photo ops! We headed to the Midway, got our tickets (which we went through in no time!) and went on the rides. I didn't know how Michelle would be. As a baby she got nervous on the carousel. But she's obviously outgrown that! She LOVED the rides. She wasn't nervous at all! Michelle and Reggie liked the dragon coaster best and wanted to ride it several times.<br />
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There were so many great action shots of the kids on the dragon rollercoaster. May and Shannon were snapping away as well. Shannon sent me some of the pictures from her i-phone. This is one of my favourites. They both look so happy. Michelle laughing her head off and Reggie smiling with his hands in the air.<br />
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I've always loved rollercoasters but it's been a while since I've been on one. In my 20s I used to get Season's Passes to Canada's Wonderland. My favourite ride was the bat. They probably have 10 new rollercoasters that I haven't tried. It's different now with Michelle. I would be limited to the kids' ones. I thought about going to Wonderland this year but decided against it because of the drive and the line-ups. Maybe when she's a little older and tall enough to go on the bigger coasters with me!<br />
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I loved the Ferris Wheel! The view was spectacular! Auntie May was a little nervous and gripping the pole but Michelle was fearless! She obviously has no fear of heights! She was smiling and laughing and loving every minute of it. I can see her riding the big coasters with me someday and maybe Drop Zone etc.<br />
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It's ironic that although in many ways I'm nervous/overly cautious etc I ABSOLUTELY LOVE rides, rollercoasters -- the adrenaline, the speed, the rush, the feeling of suspension when you're in the air and come down fast. Everyone is different. Some people are terrified of heights and won't go on rides (but they probably aren't afraid of insects like I am or have a social phobia like I do. Fight or flight is a basic instinct but we all have different triggers and/or thresholds for fear... With me it's a matter of context -- I like adrenaline when it's FUN. Not when it's not fun (like needles etc!)<br />
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And then we went in the Funhouse! I was psyched. Yes a fun house is fun, hence the name! Most importantly, Fun House mirrors seemed like a perfect photo op!<br />
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I love this picture of Michelle and I in the mirror because it looks like there are two of her (though I can't imagine how I'd survive if Michelle were TWINS! Dealing with just ONE of her is exhausting enough! LOL)<br />
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With Michelle's rainbow dress and the toys/Midway games and rides in the background it's just an explosion of colour! Other than my black and white top (which I love and which was a gift from May on my birthday!) If I'd had a matching rainbow dress however I would have worn it!<br />
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I wasn't a big fan of the concave mirror that made us look short and stout but I loved the convex mirror that elongated us and made our legs look long and thin! I'll take it!<br />
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Sometimes I think they have elongating mirrors (and flattering lighting) in dressing rooms to make the clothes look better. Occasionally I'll try things on and they look great in the store change room but then I'll go to put them on at home, look in a regular mirror and go "What the?! What WAS I thinking?!" That's false advertising!<br />
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Then again perhaps we should make it mandatory that they have elongating mirrors EVERYWHERE: In public washrooms, in homes and businesses. If elongating mirrors were all that existed then we'd all look better and could feel better about ourselves!<br />
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Shannon snapped this photo of Michelle and I going down a slide. I was happy with it because I'm always getting pictures of Michelle on slides at the park, the indoor playground etc, but I've NEVER had a photo of me on a slide with her. And sometimes I do go on the slide! I like to have fun too! I'm glad that Michelle is smiling here. I love the colourful carnival painting on the wall as well.<br />
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I can't stress enough how much I love photographs and how they capture the best moments. Looking at them I get to relive it all...<br />
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Michelle wanted to drive her very own bumper car. It was adorable. She did pretty well considering she doesn't drive. After the ride was over the operator (who was a bit of a jerk I might add. And by that I mean a complete a-hole!) said that she was too small to ride on her own and didn't meet the height requirement and blah blah blah. She was very close to the height requirement and I reminded him of the obvious that SHE'D ALREADY DONE IT HERSELF and did just fine and that the time to voice a concern would be BEFORE the ride begins not AFTER it's over. But he wouldn't listen to reason and I just walked away before I lost it on him. D-bag. It's a BUMPER CAR anyway, dude. Chillax!<br />
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The ferris wheel was my fave. We went several times. I was cursing myself for not having purchased the bigger package of tickets since I blew through the small roll in no time and it wound up costing me a fortune by the time all was said and done. I should have just gotten a day pass or wrist band or something. Initially I thought, OK maybe we'll go on a ride or two but we kept going back. It was so much fun. I hadn't been on a ride in a long time and I really missed it. I loved being up high and looking at everything below. I have a number of fears but heights is not one of them!<br />
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Michelle and Reggie kept wanting to go back on the dragon coaster. Everywhere we went they were asking "Can we got back to the dragon coaster?!"<br />
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Of course I couldn't blame them. I almost wished I could go on it too but it was just for kids plus I liked taking pictures more. I also didn't want to use up any more tickets than necessary.<br />
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Between Shannon and I we caught some really great action shots of Michelle and Reggie on the ride. They were obviously having a blast -- smiling, laughing, screaming, hands in the air. Good times. Yes I definitely miss going on rollercoasters.<br />
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I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this photo! The wind in their hair, smiles a mile wide, happy, free and fearless. And it was worth spending a million dollars on ride coupons/tickets to give the kids the time of their lives. Poor May had to get tickets for THREE of them so it was even worse for her. Sometimes we sat the rides out just to save tickets and let the kids have fun.<br />
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I didn't bother going on the carousel when everyone else went. May sat out our last trip on the Ferris Wheel and I went with the three kids.<br />
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Eventually we were ready to call it a day. It had been fun but exhausting.<br />
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And how do you not get a photo with a clown on stilts? You have to. No question. I love that the clown (who was rather androgynous and I'm not sure whether they were male or female...) made Michelle raise her hands in this photo as well.<br />
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I loved getting pictures of the Midway rides and games. Everything was so colourful. Michelle's rainbow dress really stood out as well. She got a few compliments on it. A random stranger also came up and gave her a stuffed puppy so she was happy about that. I was happy I didn't have to waste money on games to win her a stuffie. (I'm never much good at the games and probably wouldn't have won anything anyway.)<br />
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Clowns can be creepy sometimes -- Donald Trump, the clown from Stephen King's "It" etc. But this female clown appeared sweet and harmless so the kids got their faces painted and got balloons. Michelle wanted a heart and flowers on her face. Reggie wanted to be Pikachu from Pokemon (I think that's what it is anyway!) The clown wasn't sure how to draw that but Reggie had a hat to show her so she copied it. Michelle wanted to flower balloon and Reggie wanted a balloon hat. As if they weren't colourful enough! I was happy for more colourful photo ops.<br />
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I was proud of Halton Police for honouring Gay Pride month (in June) by painting a rainbow police logo on one of their cruisers! It was a cool way to show their support. Many organizations were showing their support by raising rainbow flags for June.<br />
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Michelle posed next to the colourful logo in her rainbow dress which was perfect! I hadn't really thought about it but dressing her in the rainbow dress was perfect for June #PrideMonth as well!<br />
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You just never know who you might run into! We stopped for ice cream and ran into Uncle Chris and Christina! They'd popped by to pick up some ribs. Unfortunately Chris bumped into Reggie and he lost his ice cream. It turned out to be fortuitous though because while we stood there waiting for Auntie May to return with a new ice cream for Reggie, a photographer from the newspaper, the Oakville Beaver, asked if he could take a photo of Michelle for the paper.<br />
"Sure!" I joked, "Feel free to put it on the cover!"<br />
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He took about a hundred snaps of Michelle eating her ice cream. I could hear the camera going. (Being a photoholic I was in awe. I would LOVE to be a photographer and be paid to take photos!) I was hoping one would be really good and end up in the paper. Of course it wasn't up to the photographer which snaps they used.<br />
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Well it wasn't the cover (I was on the cover of the Guelph Tribune once when I helped set a Guinness World Record for the longest concert back in 2006 at Manhattans' bar in Guelph and it was one of the most exciting days of my life!) but Michelle did get her photo in the paper on the Ribfest page and it used her name. Michelle asked me "Am I famous now?!"<br />
"Kind of!" I said.<br />
She was so excited.<br />
My dad delivers the paper so he was able to snag a couple of souvenir copies for me. It's such a cute paper. I was glad we were in the right place at the right time. It was the same when I got my photo taken. It wasn't even one of my slotted times to perform but one of the songwriters needed a bathroom break so I got up and played one of my songs, just as the photographer for the newspaper came in! It was a huge photo on the front page and it made my day/week/life! I'll never forget the feeling when I saw it on the newsstand!<br />
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Shopping with my girl and trying on pretty dresses is one of my most favourite things. Michelle loves it too. Unfortunately she usually loves the dresses and my sales resistance is pretty low especially when it comes to Michelle, so she ends up with more dresses (because a girly girl simply CAN'T have too many dresses! LOL)<br />
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I love that Michelle enjoys dressing up. I'd be a little disappointed if she refused to wear dresses. I went through a tomboy stage as a kid where I flat out refused to wear dresses but it didn't last long. These days comfort usually wins out but I do love to dress up now and then when the situation calls for it (for parties etc.)<br />
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After shopping we went for ice cream. Another one of my fave things (especially in the Summer!)<br />
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Another day, another pretty dress! <br />
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Michelle enjoys dressing up for school though I'm always a little worried she'll skin her knee. (As she often does and of course it's worse when she's in a dress and there's nothing covering her legs.)<br />
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She wanted to bring the new stuffed doggie she got from a nice lady at Ribfest who won it and didn't want it. She brought a stuffed animal to school EVERY SINGLE DAY since September. I don't know at what age she'll stop (or if the school will demand that she stop) but I'm going to let her do it as long as she wants. I'm glad that my girl is loving and affectionate and likes to have someone to hug at all times!<br />
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My happy girl running amok after school. We were both excited about the Summer weather and happy to be outside. She wanted to hang around outside the school for a while and I was happy to comply because I knew she wouldn't be there much longer and then she wouldn't see her friends over the Summer.<br />
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I did talk to a couple of parents outside the school who confirmed their kids would be at Michelle's birthday party in late July and I exchanged numbers with her best friend's Mom so that they could get together for a play date sometime. It seemed kind of surreal to me that school was almost over. I remember in January worrying how I was going to manage working full time and getting Michelle back and forth to school and Grandma's house. It hasn't been easy (EXHAUSTING 16 hour days that nearly killed me!) but I've survived.<br />
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Then Michelle wanted to go to the park afterwards. I told her she should change into pants first but she insisted on going in her dress. (She did have shorts on underneath.)<br />
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Michelle is proud of how well she can swing on her own though she always wants a starting push from me.<br />
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Michelle is so outgoing and friendly she literally makes a new friend everywhere we go! I'm sort of the opposite -- I tend to be more shy and reclusive and avoid talking to anyone unless they approach me. I'm glad that Michelle is an extrovert so she won't struggle the way I did as a child (and even through adulthood!) in social situations. I envy her confidence.<br />
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Michelle and her new little friend. She will just go up to anyone and talk to them. I have to remind her when it's an adult that it's not safe to talk to strangers.<br />
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I like watching Michelle play at the park. It gives me a few moments to just sit and relax while she plays. Most of the time there is so little time to myself.<br />
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Some days I'll drop her off at school, get home and mow the lawn, pull weeds, put away laundry, get groceries, grab a shower and try to get as much done as possible before I have to pick her up after school. Then I'll take her to the park, get home and make dinner, play with her, do laundry, get her bath ready, read her a story. I only usually have one show at a time (#Survivor #Bachelorette #BachelorInParadise #DancingWithTheStars). I like to watch and live tweet my shows when I can. Twitter is my one attempt at a social life of sorts and I'm up to 10K followers now!<br />
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I was happy to get Michelle's workbooks and drawings from school. I always love her work. It was interesting to see her work getting more detailed -- from stick hands and feet to fingers and toes.<br />
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And the most exciting development was watching Michelle learn to read and WRITE BY HERSELF! Full sentences. Her spelling is a little off but usually a very good guess. Kids' drawings are the cutest and funniest things ever and I could just look at and read them forever. I try not to laugh out loud in front of her so I don't insult her. I always praise her work but it usually is hilarious!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OHn9Ru9W_qQ/WZ5gNRAi-4I/AAAAAAAAOys/BufdEgDiE-cP4wauerP_f2felz0Gd5TQACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9682.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1133" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OHn9Ru9W_qQ/WZ5gNRAi-4I/AAAAAAAAOys/BufdEgDiE-cP4wauerP_f2felz0Gd5TQACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9682.JPG" width="226" /></a>My Mom was always after Michelle not to draw stick arms/fingers but I can relate to not wanting to draw hands. They are difficult to draw and were never my favourite. I prefer facial portraits. Here Michelle actually drew arms, hands and fingers. I like how she even has toes here although why she's in bare feet outside I'm not sure! I'm assuming that she's the shorter one in the dress and I'm the taller one with the long legs and brown hair in a ponytail. I wear my hair in a ponytail about 99% of the time! It's just the easiest thing. I stopped caring about my hair years ago which is good since I only have about half as much as I used to before having Michelle. Post-partum alopecia -- the hormones make you lose your hair and you may never get it back. Oh well. She was worth it!</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aMB67_t9Vwk/WZ5hp29h40I/AAAAAAAAOzo/OKZkW9s_BIkpdBNm6nlacL2bHje4M7P3QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9690.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1207" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aMB67_t9Vwk/WZ5hp29h40I/AAAAAAAAOzo/OKZkW9s_BIkpdBNm6nlacL2bHje4M7P3QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9690.JPG" width="241" /></a>This bear is ADORABLE! Sometimes Michelle really impresses me with her work. Sometimes her drawings at school seem a bit hasty and thrown together (like she didn't have enough time to finish it or the teacher made her do it and she wasn't in the mood.) When it's HER idea to draw something she puts a lot of effort into it -- drawing and meticulously colouring it in -- which can take a long time with marker. Michelle often asks if I'm going to put her pictures in a frame. I put some of her artwork in frames in the bedroom and she was thrilled so now she always wants me to display more of her work but I explain that I can't put EVERYTHING on the wall. Some things we can display on the fridge gallery though. And I always save her artwork. I have to get around to labelling and organizing it all again one day. I'm WAY behind now. Especially with all her school work.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O4gpdpUmre4/WZ5hGiJKzGI/AAAAAAAAOzE/VRm6moEjVGYcWNz58nzuFDyXaVeKV53FQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9686.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1487" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O4gpdpUmre4/WZ5hGiJKzGI/AAAAAAAAOzE/VRm6moEjVGYcWNz58nzuFDyXaVeKV53FQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9686.JPG" width="296" /></a>And then the day arrived: THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! As much as I wouldn't miss waking her up in the morning "Just a few more minutes, Mama!" and getting her to school on time, packing lunches etc. I would miss having a few hours in the day to myself to get stuff done. I booked an oil change to get it over with because I knew now that she was out of school I would have to drag her everywhere with me. That's the problem with being a single Mom -- it's all you. You're alone to watch your kids and still somehow manage to do everything else you need to do for the house, the car etc. And there's no one to leave her with so she's tagging along to whatever errand or appointment you may have. I can't stand waiting an hour while the car gets an oil change so I didn't want to subject her to it.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5N0e8bagZfg/WZ5hNkNuueI/AAAAAAAAOzM/Di7bhY1O7OMVveg0QwhbSTSWQCxSsb66wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9688.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1294" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5N0e8bagZfg/WZ5hNkNuueI/AAAAAAAAOzM/Di7bhY1O7OMVveg0QwhbSTSWQCxSsb66wCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9688.JPG" width="257" /></a>They usually try to up-sell or get me to pay for extra things. I was prepared to fight if I had to. Hell to the no! I wasn't wasting any extra time waiting for the car to get serviced. I already resented having to waste my last school day on stupid errands. Luckily this time the dealership just gave me the oil change and sent me on my way. (I have to keep bringing the car for scheduled maintenance up to 100,000 kms to keep the warranty valid. But it's a nuisance. 6,000 kms go by in no time. Especially with all the commuting I do!<br />
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Michelle was happy to wear a dress on her last day of school. It was kind of bittersweet. She was excited about Summer break but would miss seeing her friends. Luckily her closest friends were all coming to her birthday party in July.<br />
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Last day of school selfie: Had to be done! It was such a strange feeling saying goodbye to everyone. One of Michelle's teachers was going to be working in a home decor shop over the Summer and we said we may pop by to visit her.<br />
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Michelle wanted to stick around the playground and play with her friends and I couldn't say no on the last day, even though I was exhausted. I waited while she played and laughed and hugged her friends goodbye.<br />
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She would still get to see them at her party and maybe even more play dates sometime.<br />
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A last farewell to her teachers. They were very nice and very encouraging. I was always happy to hear how well Michelle was doing and I was proud to read on her report card that not only was she doing well academically with reading and writing but that socially she was very kind and caring with others and always willing to help. The social aspect is almost the most important -- being able to work with others, to share and co-exist peacefully. To be tolerant even of people who may not be very nice to you.<br />
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I'm so proud of my little girl. How bright and creative she is, how happy and kind and sweet she is. I'm so grateful. Sure she is an endless ball of energy and can be exhausting but she is an amazing person and I'd like to think I can take some of the credit for the person she's becoming. (Her teachers give me the credit which I appreciate! I've made a lot of sacrifices for her. I love her more than anything!)<br />
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People look forward to statutory holidays and having time off. In my strange job (and being a single Mom as well) there really isn't such a thing as a holiday. I might work any or every day of the year. So July 1st weekend I had to go in to work nightshift. I wasn't off to a very good start. I was exhausted on too little sleep and just before I was going to leave the house I found the freezer was leaking and I had to mop the floor and chisel ice out of it and I was already running behind and everything was going wrong. Traffic was terrible. My nerves were shot. It's tough commuting for two hours before your work day (or night) even begins. I feel depleted. Then there's the 12 hour shift to get through and another hour (or 2 commuting after.) It's a LONG LONG DAY (or night!) Even though I was going to be working I made sure to dress Michelle and I in red Canada shirts and got a picture at Grandma's before I headed out.<br />
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My Mom didn't have a Canada shirt but she dressed in red at least and posed for a couple of pics. The weather wasn't great so we sat on the porch rather than on the garden swing. I was (admittedly somewhat selfishly) wishing it would continue to rain since I didn't get to enjoy Canada Day anyway but the rain cleared up so people would have still been able to attend their fireworks celebrations. Yay.<br />
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This year marked the 150th Anniversary or birthday of Canada and the Confederation. I've never been more grateful to be Canadian, especially with Donald Trump (aka the Anti-Christ) as President in the U.S.! I keep thinking he's got to be impeached soon but somehow he's escaped it so far. Hoping Mueller will put an end to him with his #RussiaGate investigation. Every day Trump does something new, idiotic and even more deplorable than the day before. My heart goes out to sensible Americans who want him out. His approval rating (low 30%s now?) is the lowest of any President ever. Yeah, he's THAT bad. But enough about him! #ProudToBeCanadian!<br />
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There aren't a lot of Lamborghinis on the road (with a price tag of $200,000+ not too many people can afford them!) so when I see one I'm psyched, as if I'm seeing a celebrity. This one stopped at a Tim Hortons near Grandma's house so when the guy went into the Tim's I told the opportunity to (photoholic nerd that I am!) grab a selfie with it. I explained to Michelle how rare and cool these cars are. She wasn't quite as enthused but she posed for the photos anyway.<br />
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I loved my little Mazda Miata convertible years ago. That was as close as I got to having a cool/sporty car of my dreams. Now as a Mom I'm in the much more practical Hyundai Elantra. But I can still dream about Lambos and Ferraris. And hey, if I win the lottery, maybe I'll get one!<br />
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Another trip to the mall with Grandma. Michelle had a ball trying on dresses, riding on escalators ("Can we go AGAIN Mama?!" I had to keep going up and down with her. She loved it. Anything to make her happy.) riding in a Clifford (the Big Red Dog) and then Diva that she is, sitting at the makeup table in the Bay. (I didn't actually let her get a makeover but she would have LOVED it!) I'm always happy for a photo op.<br />
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Michelle loved the lit up mirror. She'd probably like to have a vanity like that to sit and do her makeup. (She has some kids' makeup, lip glosses etc that she plays with sometimes.)<br />
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And then for some reason there was a skeleton in a lab coat. So we rolled with it and Michelle hugged him for a picture!<br />
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Some kids might be a little wary of a skeleton but Michelle is a bit of a goth, loves Halloween and monsters etc so she wasn't afraid of Mr. Bones at all. She even told me one day that there's no reason to be afraid of skeletons or ghosts because all of us have a skeleton and a ghost (soul/spirit) inside. A rather wise (albeit morbid) observation for a 4 (going on 5, going on 15) year old!<br />
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Ice cream cones on Grandma's backyard garden swing. Nothing beats it. As tough as it is working so much at least we get to see Grandma and Grandpa often which is good for them and for Michelle. And I always like having at least a few minutes to relax in the yard, enjoying the fresh air, sitting on the swing and having a cold delicious treat!<br />
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Pooh! Michelle has hundreds of her own stuffed animals but Grandma also has a large collection at her house. One day Michelle decided to carry around the huge Winnie the Pooh, almost as big as she is!<br />
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I love this photo of her smiling and hugging the big silly old bear. I remember watching Winnie the Pooh as a child. We have a couple of Winnie the Pooh DVDs. Just the sound of the music and watching the cartoons takes me back to my youth and is sweet and soothing. Also, Eeyore is my spirit animal. Michelle is absolutely a Tigger! Bouncing off the walls with all the energy in the world. While I drag myself along like a donkey who lost his tale and a dark cloud hovering above his head. Sigh. It's hard to be enthusiastic when you're exhausted 99% of the time.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pwbia0urf-w/WZ5lUPkqKrI/AAAAAAAAO10/Vuz4rx8CUvc-1GUkQyyO8TKiil-tuHZYACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9848.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1272" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pwbia0urf-w/WZ5lUPkqKrI/AAAAAAAAO10/Vuz4rx8CUvc-1GUkQyyO8TKiil-tuHZYACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9848.JPG" width="254" /></a>Though it's unavoidable, I feel guilty when I have to work and leave Michelle so much so I try to make it up to her by doing fun things with her on my days off. Taking her to fun places, basically spoiling her to death. I don't think she realizes how lucky she is. I didn't get to go anywhere when I was a kid. We never went on vacation. We rarely went on day trips, amusement parks or anything. Our only outing was usually shopping and then my Mom wouldn't buy us anything we asked for (not even an ice cream or a drink!)<br />
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We had never been to Legoland and it was grey day threatening rain, so I decided to go for a new indoor adventre, even though it was going to be a LONG DRIVE likely in BAD TRAFFIC (and I get enough of that on the days I work!) I was willing to brave it for Michelle's sake. She was very excited. I wasn't sure what to expect but I figured she'd have a ball and there would be plenty of photo ops for me as well!<br />
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It was so colourful -- a photographer's DREAM! When you first go in they have a Lego Factory where you pretend to make Lego -- turning cranks, adding colour etc. Michelle had fun with that and I got a couple of photos.<br />
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I was excited to learn that there were rides in Legoland. Michelle said that she knew and told me that (not sure how she knew unless Reggie told her.) The rides were fun. The first one was like a video game where you ride around in a car and shoot at monster targets. At the end you can purchase a photo of yourselves. Ours wasn't great.<br />
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The mini Lego Toronto was SPECTACULAR! So beautiful. It really boggles my mind what they can do with Lego. It was beautiful. I set the camera on a ledge and got a shot of us by the CN Tower (because really, how could I not?!)<br />
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There was also a Niagara Falls. We posed in front of everything. The details are astounding. Even at Auntie May's looking at their little Lego village, with all the buildings (a movie theatre etc) and all the details is amazing. Michelle has some Lego too but nowhere near the collection that Uncle Shane and Reggie have!<br />
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Another shot this time on the other side of the CN Tower. I'm always happy when I spot a flat surface to sit the camera on but then I have to be quick so we don't get photobombed by passersby. I get some funny looks with my old school camera and self-timer but I don't care! I gotta be me! Holding the camera for a selfie is always too close. You need to set the camera at a distance to get everything in. Especially when you're trying to fit a whole city into the photo!<br />
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There was a playground with a slide and everything but only kids could go in and Michelle was missing for a while. I started having an anxiety attack and checked with a security guard how many exits there were from the structure so that I could watch it like a hawk. There was just the one so I kept looking. It was crowded. There were a lot of kids and a lot of adults standing around including some rough looking males. I started to panic a little. A Mom nearby overheard me talking and was sympathetic. "What is she wearing?" she asked "I'll have my son go in and look for her." "Thank you so much!" I said "She's wearing pants with multi-coloured sparkle dots." The security guy said that should be easy to spot. I couldn't remember what top she was wearing. Just then she came out. I was SO relieved.<br />
"Ok honey please don't go in there again it's too hard on Mama!"<br />
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And then we stopped for lunch. This Lego pizza slice was the cutest thing ever so I had to get a picture with it! We ate real pizza, not made of Lego, and cupcakes. It was small but just enough to hold us over.<br />
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Michelle was anxious to explore and go on rides so we didn't take too long with our lunch. The kids' lunch came with an adorable Lego lunchbox which of course I couldn't resist. Michelle said she was going to keep her secret treasures in it.<br />
"Lego treasures?" I asked.<br />
"It's a SECRET!" she said.<br />
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There was also a 4D movie which was pretty cool and we got to feel a cool wind and got splashed on in a couple of scenes.<br />
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There was a wizard ride where you fly around and you pedal like a bike. The harder you pedal, the higher you fly. We flew higher than anyone. It was fun and quite a workout!<br />
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Then we went into a Lego building workshop where they were making an octopus. We'd missed the beginning but it was only a couple of steps and we were caught up in no time. I was bummed at the end that you didn't even get to KEEP your octopus! But you could buy the kit in the gift shop on your way out so of course I'd have to do that now that we were attached to the cute Lego octopus. And she'd already built it once so it should be even easier the second time.<br />
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We went on the shooting ride/game a couple of times but weren't able to get a better photo. I would have taken it if it were free but it was kind of expensive. I opted instead to purchase the photo they took of us at the start in front of a green screen with the falling Lego. That was cute. I got a 5x7 and keychain of it as well as a digital copy. A bit cheesy yes but I love stuff like that. Then we picked up a few things in the gift shop and we were off. I was pleased with our adventure in Legoland. I couldn't believe they fit all that -- rides and all -- inside of a mall!<br />
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Across from Legoland was a Build a Bear Workshop. Michelle spotted it and I was doomed. So we go in and OF COURSE she has to pick out a bear. She chose a pretty turquoise and pink bear with cupcakes on her feet. Michelle got to choose a heart, a voice (she chose one that said "I love you") and got to decide on the stuffing. She opted for a soft cuddly rather than a firm bear. At first I thought "Oh well $20 for a bear isn't so bad" but by the time you chose your accessories you're screwed! Michelle picked out a skirt and a purse for her bear. So it was quite an expensive bear by the end. Still it was worth it to see that smile. Michelle loved her bear and hugged her all the way home.<br />
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Michelle fell asleep during the long drive back home. I wish I'd had that option. Instead, I had to endure gridlock. Two hours of rush hour traffic through Toronto. I sympathized with people that had to do that every day Monday-Friday<br />
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We'd seen all the "Despicable Me" movies (the original, "Despicable Me 2" and "Minions") so of course we had to see "Despicable Me 3" when it came out. The critics didn't seem impressed but I tried to keep an open mind. I wound up liking it better than "Minions" anyway (which was a bit disappointing) but not as much as 1 & 2. There were some funny parts that got a good laugh from the audience.<br />
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Of course I ALWAYS get a picture with the movie poster and if you hadn't noticed (you can't really see my shirt but...) we were BOTH wearing Minions t-shirts! Both wearing GREY MINION t-shirts to be exact! Because as I've mentioned before I'm a huge nerd & I love dressing us in matching themed outfits. I gotta be me!<br />
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Michelle loved her new bear. She named her Olivia and took her everywhere. It was a nice day so we decided to go to the beach. Even Olivia had her shades on. I told Michelle Olivia would have to wait in the car though. We didn't want to get sand in her fur. Though no doubt there would be sand in her clothes, the car, the house, everywhere she went. Michelle literally ROLLS in the sand. It's a problem. But I still love the beach. It's my happy place and I can't get there enough. As you can see we were wearing MATCHING TURQUOISE SEAHORSE SHIRTS from Justice! So I was in my glory. When Michelle is older she will find me mortifyingly (spellcheck says that's not a word but I say it should be!) embarrassing no doubt but for now she lets me dress us alike. To me, it's just too cute for words. She's my little mini-me. Only one person noticed and/or commented on our outfits when we were at one of the shops on the beach. "Isn't that cute?!" she said.<br />
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Sun, sand, smiles. What more do you need? The beach is our happy place. Michelle loves to play and I love to relax and take photos.... So it's win-win.<br />
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A lot of other people had the same idea. Now that we were into July the beach was pretty crowded. And they charge $20 to park in the beach parking lot (when it's free the rest of the time) but it's worth it not to have to walk too far with all your stuff. I'm always loaded down with sand toys, towels, clothes, snacks and drinks and my purse.<br />
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Even in the crowd we managed to claim a little spot under the palm trees (which is my fave place to be! Looking up at the palms I pretend I'm somewhere tropical!)<br />
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SHARK!<br />
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As photo ops go, your hand in a shark's mouth is right up there! Michelle wanted to go in all the little shops at the beach and we came across this gem. A few of the shops are too rich for my blood (like $100 for a t-shirt) but it's fun to window shop. I got a picture of myself with the shark as well but it wasn't nearly as cute!<br />
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Michelle usually manages to find some little trinket or souvenir for me to buy her. Like rubber duckies of various types. She has about 50 of them -- leopard duck, mermaid duck, elephant duck. She has so many toys in the bath there's hardly room for her! She was taking showers for a while but tired of that and preferred baths so she could play. She's still a kid. Might as well enjoy it while she can!<br />
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I love bikinis. Even though they don't always love me. My weight fluctuates. I've been counting calories and working out for years but with my insane work schedule it's not always easy. I haven't been working out. I sometimes take in too many calories (because you can't starve yourself for a 16 hour day.) As soon as I eat something (no matter what it is) my stomach seems to bloat. So on beach days, when I'm wearing a bikini. I skip breakie. I call it my bikini fast.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-grPXW40klFY/WZ5p0sWwi9I/AAAAAAAAO5w/LBIvFgGiwccucLPQGdQSH-Z1ryFL3SM4ACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9957.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1100" data-original-width="1600" height="219" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-grPXW40klFY/WZ5p0sWwi9I/AAAAAAAAO5w/LBIvFgGiwccucLPQGdQSH-Z1ryFL3SM4ACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9957.JPG" width="320" /></a>The thing is it seems that more and more women of all shapes and sizes are wearing bikinis lately and they don't seem too worry if their stomachs are bloated or have rolls having down. And I think "Good for them!" they seem comfortable with themselves and I wish I was but I feel this internal pressure to look a certain way. I know the media is partly to blame. Recently I heard that Jennifer Aniston told the press to stop saying she's pregnant every time she has a bit of a bulge because (like me!) her stomach bloats when she eats something. I also heard that Sofia Vergara said "It's all about angles. And sucking your tummy in and not breathing!"<br />
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Celebrities feel pressured to look perfect and you can sometimes when the camera clicks and your makeup is done and the photo is airbrushed. But sometimes you're just a human being and you had a cheeseburger or you have gas and some papparazzo snaps a picture of you at the beach and then throws you on the cover saying you're pregnant. I'm not a celebrity but even I worry/feel somewhat self-conscious and I wish I could feel as comfortable and non-chalant as the woman I see, far heavier than me, that are just relaxing and not fasting for the beach!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2A58G3Ulmh4/WZ5qLkjm-mI/AAAAAAAAO6I/K2rekwzmYZA80FMTKgnvcBflC3LiAwIggCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN9972.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1247" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2A58G3Ulmh4/WZ5qLkjm-mI/AAAAAAAAO6I/K2rekwzmYZA80FMTKgnvcBflC3LiAwIggCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN9972.JPG" width="249" /></a>Michelle LOVES playing in the sand. She wanted to be buried and turned into a mermaid as I'd done before. It takes a long time and a lot of sand but it is pretty cute in the end. Then she likes wiggling herself free. I managed to capture her smile as she escaped her sand tail.<br />
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We mostly just play in the sand. I told Michelle it's probably not the best idea to swim there because the water may be polluted and is never warm enough anyway. So we just go in to our knees. Though other people swim in it and I used to I'm much more worried about pollution/getting an ear infection etc after all the nonsense I've been through over the past several months -- pneumonia in the winter, eye infections and God knows what. They used to post information about water quality but they don't do that for Lake Erie anymore. They just say "Swim at your own risk."<br />
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I love to have a carefree day on the beach once in a while because most of my days are pretty stressful. Days when I'm exhausted and cranky, on my period, with diarrhea, in a terrible mood, driving in awful traffic, going to work a long and stressful nightshift, driving home in thick fog and can't wait to crawl into bed and then getting very little sleep and going through it all again. There are days I'm so drained it feels like there's just nothing left. I'm just depleted. And I break down and cry. And I wish I could have a break, a vacation from my life but there's no way out because it's all me. I have to earn a living, take care of Michelle and the house and everything else without help. And sometimes it's just overwhelming. So these moments sitting on the beach, listening to the waves, watching Michelle laugh and play nourish my soul. I need that now and then.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cnbzdQV3MMQ/WZ5rk-COxUI/AAAAAAAAO6w/onepZqOZpUwKERTPcJtAiLlw-8VxBzkXgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0025%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1268" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cnbzdQV3MMQ/WZ5rk-COxUI/AAAAAAAAO6w/onepZqOZpUwKERTPcJtAiLlw-8VxBzkXgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0025%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="253" /></a>It's crazy the things that I have to do sometimes. There's just no time. Sometimes I'm out of town for days, back home for not even a day and I'm off again. One day I had just gotten home and Michelle had fallen asleep in the car. So I carried her in. I knew it was my only opportunity and the grass was out of control so I ran and mowed the lawn while she slept. The sky was black and it looked like it was going to rain so I literally RAN with the lawnmower as fast as I could. I must have looked like an idiot. I hope no one was watching. But I don't have a husband to mow the lawn. It's just me and even though I'm barely home a minute if I don't mow the lawn it will look like hell and I'm still a responsible homeowner so I can't leave it like that! I got it done in record time before the rain hit. Mowing the lawn burns 200 calories so that was a good workout as well. I think run-mowing burns even more!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-02esMCM_WI8/WZ5rtfJUHII/AAAAAAAAO60/Jr95QxDTyZ4ieRDdylDfmvqGqtkuOB_ygCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0033.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1202" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-02esMCM_WI8/WZ5rtfJUHII/AAAAAAAAO60/Jr95QxDTyZ4ieRDdylDfmvqGqtkuOB_ygCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0033.JPG" width="240" /></a>My life is nuts though. I wasn't even home one night and had to leave again to head to my mom's to work dayshifts. From nightshifts to dayshifts with barely a day off in between. It's like jet lag switching back and forth between shifts. It's been proven shiftwork takes years off your life. Seven years if you did it your whole life. That's the same as smoking. But what can I do? This is my job and I'm grateful to have it but it's killing me. Sometimes I'm so tired I can barely stand and I feel like I'm going to throw up. And I get so burned out I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It's inhumane. It will make you crazy. I'm well on my way! When I finally get to rest my head on the pillow it's such a relief but sometimes even then I can't sleep. My mind doesn't shut down. I spin. I worry. I make lists of everything I have to do and it seems endless.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_oO3_wiYLC8/WZ5rieX9PGI/AAAAAAAAO6s/r7kokashZGM5dvApdFKLNzcR4SVTZdAYgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0027.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1296" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_oO3_wiYLC8/WZ5rieX9PGI/AAAAAAAAO6s/r7kokashZGM5dvApdFKLNzcR4SVTZdAYgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0027.JPG" width="257" /></a>Then one night at my Mom's we watched "Ballerina" on DVD. Michelle and I had seen it at the theatre. It was a heartwarming story about a girl who dreams of being a ballerina at the Paris opera. And she gets to live her dream. When it was over Michelle fell asleep but I couldn't sleep. I lay there and cried. I thought about all of my lost dreams. As a girl I had wanted to be a ballerina too. I never got to take lessons. I thought about other dreams -- being an artist, writer, singer. I got to live out some of them, a little. I'm grateful for that. But it seems like another life now. A world away from where I am. And there's no room for dreams or art or music when I'm just working all the time and driving all the time and trying to raise a daughter and run a house and do everything myself. Exhausted. Running on empty. I cried and cried and eventually fell asleep.<br />
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The stress was affecting my health. I had bowel issues (of course I suffer from IBS and have divertica so my bowel issues are ongoing but some days are worse than others. Some days I can't even get off the toilet. It's like my insides are churning and burning. I had eye infections that kept recurring. Sore red eyes (which stress and lack of sleep didn't help.) Then I even had a bladder infection. It just seemed like one thing after another. On top of mental issues -- like breaking down crying from sheer exhaustion. I knew everything would seem better if I got some rest but I never seemed to get enough.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D3MWquYkxLE/WZ5sp6oQgWI/AAAAAAAAO7c/hEsdU34ASQUZdfC8odc0ndKjrFYBvwIpgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0052.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1219" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D3MWquYkxLE/WZ5sp6oQgWI/AAAAAAAAO7c/hEsdU34ASQUZdfC8odc0ndKjrFYBvwIpgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0052.JPG" width="243" /></a>They say "There's no place like home" and "Home Sweet Home" but it's never more true than when you're away from home a lot. I was always so happy and relieved to be home even though it was never for very long and I couldn't exactly relax even when I was home because I had so much to get caught up on -- laundry etc.<br />
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Michelle mentioned too that she wished we could just stay at home. I told her that if I won the lottery I wouldn't have to work and we could just stay home and go fun places and travel. Of course the odds of winning the lottery aren't very high.<br />
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She still had fun at Grandma's house though and my Mom liked having us around. I often take my Mom shopping which she loves too and Michelle usually insists on coming along.<br />
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Michelle wanted to go to the park. Even my Mom came with us this time. Michelle had a ball on the swing. She got a kick out of even Grandma and Mama swinging with her.<br />
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"I can go higher than you Mama!"<br />
I didn't have the heart to tell her there was no way she could get as high as I could. I didn't want her to endanger herself so I held back my full swing potential!<br />
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I was exhausted and had no desire in going to the store with my Mom or the park with Michelle but I complied to make them happy because it's just what I do. Of course taking photos makes me happy so at least I get to do that although sometimes my Mom tries to stop me. "You take too many pictures," she says. "That's not possible," I argue.<br />
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Someday when Michelle is older and giving me a hard time and not appreciating the sacrifices I've made for her I can show her these pictures -- how many things I did for her, places I took her, how I always made sure she was happy, regardless of how I was feeling or what I was going through. So in a way these photos are evidence! LOL My Mom tells me Michelle will never remember everything I did for her and I say "Oh yes I will! I have the photos to show her!" But hopefully she'll be a loving, grateful teenager and never give me a hard time. Sure. Could happen!<br />
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One of Michelle's friends/classmates couldn't make it to the party but Michelle was happy to run into her a the park. I knew that a lot of people would be going away on vacation etc in late August but I was glad that at least half the kids she invited (including her best friends) were able to make it. I was surprised that several parents didn't even bother to RSVP. Not a word. Nada. My niece said one of her friends thought you only RSVP if you're GOING to the party. I said no the whole point is you reply either way so that they know how many to expect. My sister said she's actually had people not bother to RSVP and still show up with their kid the day of the party! So everyone's a little different. Some people are clueless. Repondez s'il vous plait! I was actually relieved that all 18 kids couldn't make it though because I was stressed out enough about having 9 kids in my house!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0WyXHf1k2ZQ/WZ5u_foaRcI/AAAAAAAAO9I/e7XwNxXcmrIw7CSk4XiqXbKtIHP-J6LDQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0105.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1311" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0WyXHf1k2ZQ/WZ5u_foaRcI/AAAAAAAAO9I/e7XwNxXcmrIw7CSk4XiqXbKtIHP-J6LDQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0105.JPG" width="262" /></a>Another day, another trip to our favourite beach! Michelle loved her swimsuit. She has a few cute tankinis. I wore another bikini. So no breakfast for me!<br />
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I never tire of Port Dover Beach. The palm trees do it for me every time. I'm always surprised when I see people taking photos and selfies and they don't even get the palm trees in the picture. I'm almost tempted to yell "What are you doing?! You're missing the best part of the beach! It's all about composition! How do you take a selfie at Port Dover Beach and NOT get the palm trees in the shot?! It's the best part!" Amateurs. But to each his own. If you want to settle for sand and water which could be at literally any beach anywhere, be my guest.<br />
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The restaurant on the beach has wood beams jutting out and they just happen to be a perfect shelf to set the camera on for the self-timer! Sometimes people will offer to take our picture but usually I can rely on the timer. I'm so used to doing it it's become second nature. The hardest part is usually getting Michelle to look at the camera as I count down from 10. Or getting photobombed by people passing by.<br />
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I love this Diva pose! "Ta-DAAAA!" Sometimes Michelle gets frustrated with me taking photos and other times she's all for it.<br />
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She had fun playing in the sand and then we went for ice cream (I usually put my shirt back on to hide the belly bloat! LOL I'm usually starving after going without breakfast. The things I do for fashion. I should just eat to my heart's content and let it all hang out. Maybe one day when I'm a little less self-conscious. (If I'm being honest, that day will likely never come. I've been a control freak/neurotic and insecure about my appearance for the past four decades so I don't see that changing. I just wish I could be as carefree as others seem to be. Then again, I don't drink either. Other people may have some help with their relaxed, carefree attitude!)<br />
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A shot with the lighthouse in the background and I love her smile here as she runs on the beach. It looks like she's even giving a thumbs up. The water looks pretty dirty. Some days it looks turquoise and other days it's pretty brown and murky. Michelle never presses the issue about swimming. She doesn't like dirty water or seaweed either and she's content to mostly play on the sand.<br />
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Michelle does have fun running into the water and getting her feet wet. That's usually enough to cool us off without diving right in.<br />
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I grabbed a few action shots of Michelle running along the shoreline. I have to be careful and hold the camera in the air when she gets a little too splash-happy! I love to get a good photo though. These shots of her smiling and laughing in the water are some of my faves. My baby girl was about to turn 5 years old and I still couldn't quite believe it. So I will continue to take a gazillion pictures because then I get to keep my little girl, as a little girl forever.<br />
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This is another great moment! Michelle didn't always stick to my "only go in up to your knees" rule. Sometimes she splashed so much she got soaked from head to toe. I still don't think it's as dangerous as going right in swimming. Other kids were running in and swimming and their parents didn't seem to be worrying. Even with all my cautiousness and germaphobe tendencies I manage to get sick all the time so maybe I'm going about it all wrong. Maybe if I just didn't give a crap and dove into the germs headfirst I'd develop an immunity... I've had a few people chastise me for overusing hand sanitizer which can be dangerous but I can't seem to stop. I'm a little OCD. What can I say? We all have our quirks.<br />
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Michelle makes a friend. Always. I remember that line from "Sixteen Candles" where Molly Ringwald's character (who I could THOROUGHLY relate to!) says "He's here one day and he meets someone. I'm here my whole life and I'm like a disease!" Of course it's easier for Michelle to make friends because she actually APPROACHES people and befriends them. She went up to play with this little girl and was so good with her that the girl's Mom told me she'd like to hire Michelle as a babysitter. Kind and patient and very mature for her age. She walked in to the water, holding the girl's hand. Telling her not to go too deep into the water and to be careful, helping her carry buckets of water. I'm proud of how smart and talented Michelle is but I'm even more proud of how kind she is. Especially when even strangers notice it. I wish I was more like her. I'm just not a social person. In a million years I wouldn't approach someone like that. If there's anything to astrology (and I definitely think there is) it could be because Michelle is an outgoing Leo and I'm an introverted Taurus but there are many other factors -- nature and nurture -- that determine someone's personality and introversion/extroversion.<br />
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I'd already had a recurring eye infection and finally figured out that it was an allergy to my makeup. Now I had something else wrong with my eye. It felt like there was a lump on it and it hurt. It was like my veins were bulging out. It was probably stress and lack of sleep but it was one more thing to worry about and there always seemed to be something.<br />
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I picked up a book stress. The title -- "Overload" just described how I felt. I didn't realize that it was a religious book until I started reading it. Basically the author, a pastor named Joyce Meyer was suggesting to give it to God and not let things get to you. God will take care of you if you just have faith in him. As I read it (mostly on the toilet where I was spending a lot of time unfortunately since my bowel issues were acting up as well) I did start to relax a little and realize that I hadn't been praying and talking to God. I kept feeling like I was alone to deal with everything but the truth is I'm never alone. God is there. And I tried not to let things get to me. Just like when I wore the "Be Kind" t-shirt I wrote about in my last post. I didn't swear at drivers on my 2 hour commute. I didn't sweat the small stuff. I tried to hold back and take a deep breath. But some days it's harder than others. When I'm on no sleep or PMS-ing etc it's much more difficult.<br />
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As if I hadn't been through enough annoying health issues one night I was on nightshift when a new one reared its head, or rather its tooth. I suddenly got a terrible toothache in my rear left molar.<br />
"What now?!" I thought. I'd already fired my dentist (the fly by night weirdos I'd made the mistake of trying because they were local.) My schedule was so busy I didn't have time to waste on dental appointments anyway. I googled toothache to see what it could be. A cavity was the most obvious but why would it start hurting all of a sudden at work? I'd been told before that I grind my teeth so it could be that. My jaw and ear were sort of hurting too. I read some really disturbing things. There was TMJ -- temporomandibular join disorder that causes pain in your jaw. Then I made the mistake of stumbling across "trigeminal neuralgia" or "suicide disease" which causes intense facial pain that can drive you mad -- even to the point of suicide. (Note to self -- DON'T GOOGLE MEDICAL ISSUES IT WILL LEAD YOU DOWN A RABBIT HOLE OF HORROR THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT!) Hopefully it was just a mundane old cavity. Or it could be an abscess. Or I might need a root canal. I mostly just hoped it would magically go away and I wouldn't have to worry about it. Of course I don't have that kind of luck.<br />
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I barely slept and the next day it hurt worse. I cried. I would have to get an emergency appointment with a dentist. I called my old dentist near my Mom's. They were closed for the day. I went through the phone book and wasn't having any luck. Then finally I tried a dental office at the mall and they squeezed me in.<br />
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They were very nice. They cleaned the area. The scaling hurt like a MO-FO in that sensitive area. The dentist, who reminded me a little of Jeff Goldblum, told me that there wasn't a cavity. He couldn't tell if it was the root but he thought it was an abscess. He gave me a prescription for anti-biotics and gave me a syringe to clean the area. I also had to rinse with salt water. He said if it was an abscess that that should take care of the infection and I should be out of pain. If not they'd have to investigate further and I may need a root canal. I was REALLY hoping not. Thank goodness it was an abscess and the anti-biotics seemed to eventually clear it up. Unfortunately I somehow developed a bladder infection WHILE on anti-biotics (a long drive and not being able to get to the bathroom and holding it in too long probably didn't help!) So I was sort of screwed. Eventually I cleared that up by drinking a lot of water and cranberry juice. I was sick of annoying health issues on top of everything else I had to deal with and I was stressed about Michelle's birthday parties coming up. I was going to be hosting two parties -- one for the kids and one for family. I'm no Martha Stewart. Entertaining isn't my thing and I'd never hosted a party with a bunch of kids so I was sort of terrified. The stress of the parties coming up on top of everything else and never getting sleep were overwhelming.<br />
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At my follow-up appointment with the dentist I asked him. "Why now?" Why would I get an abscess now. The gap in my gums behind my tooth can accumulate food/tartar and become infected. I knew that but I had my wisdom teeth out 20 years ago and never had a problem so why now? The dentist started to tell me a story. "You know in my 20s I used to run. I could run long distances. I ran marathons. Then recently I was at the cottage and went for a run and was out of breath and my legs hurt and I just couldn't do it. You know why?" "Because you're old?" I said, trying to be as facetious as he was being with me. I know he was trying to suggest that because I'm old things fall apart more easily but these are my GUMS and TEETH I'm talking about. I'm not trying to run or lift weights like when I was younger I'm just EATING and DRINKING and LIVING MY LIFE so why would this happen now as opposed to say, a year ago or 10 years ago or anytime in the last 20 years?! I guess the point is that more crap does go wrong as you get older. It's depressing but your body just isn't made the way it used to be. Now it's falling apart and anything can go -- your back, your gums. The things you used to get away with catch up with you. Maybe I'd had too much junk food and sugar and gone too long (like 16 hour shifts) without brushing my teeth.<br />
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It just seemed endless though. I no sooner had the tooth business and the bladder sorted and I had severe bowel issues again.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bTHGS8qbi3g/WZ5ytJFOwQI/AAAAAAAAPAI/BtdQE_GgOiEf4bAUpqxk9IyYMm8IwJYigCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN0224.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1355" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bTHGS8qbi3g/WZ5ytJFOwQI/AAAAAAAAPAI/BtdQE_GgOiEf4bAUpqxk9IyYMm8IwJYigCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN0224.JPG" width="271" /></a>And sometimes it seems like I just can't catch a break. We planned a fun day at the beach with Auntie May. Michelle wanted to bring her floatie lion. Even though we'd been to the beach a few times we hadn't actually gone IN the water. My Mom kept going on that she didn't know if she'd get swimming this summer. So we picked a day to head to Gulliver's Lake to swim. The forecast was showing sun until the night before when they started calling for rain. Super.<br />
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Heading to May's it was pouring rain. If there had been any sign of it clearing up we might have risked going but there was no hope. So we just hung out at May's -- which was still fun -- but we'd all been looking forward to going to the lake. Figures. Eeyore and the rain cloud over my head again.<br />
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There's always poutine! In lieu of swimming Shane picked us up poutines. I have to admit when you need cheering up greasy fries covered in cheese and gravy help! At least for a junk food junkie like me! We got chocolate chills from Tim Hortons as well. I'd never had one. They were delicious but VERY filling/fattening. I think I'll stick to my small iced capps made with white milk (150 calories!)<br />
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Then when it was too late to go to the beach, the rain stopped. Of course. We got a group photo outside anyway. Michelle was disappointed about missing out on going to the lake but I promised we'd try again another day and she still had a blast playing with Reggie. I always have fun talking and laughing with May. Unfortunately May wasn't feeling great. She'd been having health issues as well and was tired and dizzy a lot of the time. She'd gone to the doctor for tests.<br />
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Silly snaps on Shannon's i-phone are always good for a laugh. Some of them are really cute too. While Reggie and Michelle played downstairs Shannon and I played with her phone. I love that Shannon shares my passion for photography. She's an artist too so it goes hand in hand with that.<br />
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This tiger filter was adorable. I love the little round ears and noses.<br />
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Some of the other filters made me laugh my head off and I could use a laugh! Nothing reduces stress like laughter!<br />
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This one was nice with the black and white and then pink flowers. Honestly if I had this app I'd be playing with it all the time but I can't even use my old i-phone for photos anymore. Ever since the white screen of death incident and reading that Apple deliberately made upgrades to render i-phone 4 obsolete, I just use it for emergencies -- to call and text. I don't do anything fancy. I stopped taking pictures and I don't use instagram. Maybe one day I'll get a new phone but I can't see it at this point. So far the only cellphones I've had have been given to me. I really don't want to have to buy them. Especially when they're so expensive. I need a new computer as well but I've been putting that off for years -- even though it keeps freezing and is SO frustrating. I just don't use it that much. I just go on Twitter to check in/catch up when I have a minute and to live tweet my TV shows.<br />
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Time kept flying (even when I wasn't having fun!) and before I knew it, Michelle's birthday was coming up. There was so much to do. I had to tidy the house, prepare games for the party, get snacks, balloons, make the cakes. I was suddenly regretting that I'd decided to have the party at home. Why didn't I book something at an outside place? I just thought it would be too expensive and I might as well have it at home. But I was worried the kids might run amok and destroy the house LOL. A few Moms commented how "brave" I was for doing a party at home and that made me even more nervous! I kept thinking "Dear God, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" I wanted Michelle to have a great 5th birthday. The pressure was on. Michelle came with me (well of course she did! I have to take her everywhere with me) to get balloons...<br />
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It's Murphy's Law that nothing can go smoothly. So I get home with the balloons and the Poppy balloon (so, the most important one because it's a TROLLS themed party) is already deflated. The balloons are guaranteed for 24 hours (and I've had some last several MONTHS!) so I knew they'd replace it but I was so annoyed I'd just gotten home and I was tired and hungry and ready to make dinner and in no mood to head back to the store to replace a faulty balloon. I called them and they said to come back. They wound up giving me two Poppys -- the original one re-inflated and a new one. I figured of the 2 maybe one would be OK. It turned out the first one had a slow leak and kept deflating but the new one was OK. We also had a rainbow balloon and we still had a flower and unicorn from May's party. Balloons - check. Happy Birthday sign -- check. Party games -- check (Michelle helped me design a "Pin the Hair on the Troll" game and I had wrapped layers upon layers for the "Pass the gift" game.) Now I just had to do the cakes...<br />
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The cake was a bit of a nightmare but then I do this to myself. On previous birthdays I made Michelle a Princess castle cake (which took hours and gave me carpal tunnel) and a SpongeBob cake (which was also frustrating and disappointing.) As difficult as they were at least I just had to follow the template/pattern. This year I was doing a Poppy (from the movie "Trolls") cake only there wasn't a Poppy cake pan so I had to improvise. I got a cupcake shaped pan and turned it upside down but I would still have to wing it with the drawing/design. Of course I'm an artist right so no problem? Well it wasn't easy. Squeezing little globs of icing isn't quite the same as drawing with pencil or painting with a brush. It was taking hours. Still I was proud of myself that it wasn't too bad considering. Then Michelle came into the kitchen, saw the cake and was decidedly underwhelmed.<br />
"It's not as good as I expected," she said, "but it's OK."<br />
The words were like daggers through my heart.<br />
"What you expected? I didn't even have a template to go on! I had to just make it up myself. I thought I did OK considering."<br />
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She went back to play, not realizing how deeply she'd hurt me. I sat on the floor and cried. There I was knocking myself out for her and she didn't even appreciate it. So ungrateful. So callous. Michelle, who was usually so kind to everyone, even strangers, couldn't even give a kind word to her mother who sacrificed so much for her (yeah I was wallowing in melodramatic self-pity. Bear in mind the sleep deprivation and everything else. Don't judge until you've squeezed a troll cake in my shoes... Or something like that.)<br />
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Eventually Michelle returns to find me crying and I tell her that you shouldn't insult someone, that you should find something nice to say, even if you hate it so that you don't hurt their feelings. Especially if they're working hard to make something for you. Well now Michelle was in tears. She felt guilty for hurting me. So she's crying, I'm crying. Eventually we both calmed down and hugged it out. She told me she didn't mean it the way it sounded. She loved the cake and thought it was cute. It was just different than she expected.<br />
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The second cake was even worse than the first because I ran out of pink icing and had to use the colours I had left. I figured I'd use the proper pink one for the kids and save the wonky skullish one for my family many of whom wouldn't even know who Poppy was anyway!<br />
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Michelle had also asked me to make her a birthday card. I usually buy her cards but she was always making cards for me so I figured I could return the favour. I drew Poppy and Branch on it. I wanted to make Michelle's birthday special -- maybe not picture perfect enough to be featured on Pinterest, but something that she and her friends would enjoy. It was a lot of work but I would do anything for my girl. I just wanted to know that she appreciated it.<br />
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Sometimes it does feel like I'm taken for granted but then Michelle will hug me and tell me she loves me or write me love notes and tell me that "I'm the best," and it helps.<br />
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After seeing "Trolls" it was Michelle's favourite movie for a long time and she wanted to watch it constantly. She also wanted to role play all the time that she was Poppy and I was Branch. The Branch character suited me because he's a little grumpy and a neurotic anti-social worrier. Michelle is like Poppy -- the lively, enthusiastic, positive, outgoing Princess troll. And we balance each other out. In the end you can't be positive or negative all the time -- you need a balance. There is a time to be careful and a time to be carefree. It's finding the balance that's important.<br />
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After a rough week, I needed a break and we decided to go to the movies to see "The Emoji Movie."<br />
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When I first heard about Sony winning the bid for a movie about emoticons I thought it was silly. I couldn't imagine making a film out of it but it wound up being really cute and clever. Michelle and I both loved it and it was a nice distraction from all the stress I'd been through lately. I had some emoji wrapping paper so I set it up as a backdrop behind us for photos. Michelle had an emoji balloon, with heart eyes of course, so we got it in the picture too.<br />
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There's nothing like a movie to help you forget your own problems. For those two hours in the dark you are transported to another world.<br />
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While watching the movie, I wasn't worried about work or health problems or the parties coming up. I wasn't worrying about anything. I was caught up in the cute, colourful and funny scenes in front of me. Escapism. I don't drink or do drugs. I have junk food and movies!<br />
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I remember when my furnace broke down in the winter and I was on the verge of a breakdown, we went to the movies and I got to forget about it for a while. Then I got to have a repair man come and charge me $400 to fix it. You never know what life will throw at you. Sometimes you have to have a breather and just stop thinking about it for a while. Movies are great for that.<br />
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And then it was party day! Michelle was excited and anxious to see her friends. I was excited too but mostly terrified about the whole thing. I really wanted it to go well. I couldn't wait until it was over so I could just relax. It would be such a relief to have it done so I could stop worrying!<br />
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We dressed up and got some pictures of course (I insist on it! I take pictures even when there's no occasion never mind when it's her birthday party!) The kids started to trickle in. Some of the Moms hung around to help/socialize and I started to relax a little more. This wasn't so bad...<br />
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Trying to get a group photo of a bunch of kids and to get them all looking and smiling is close to impossible. So I had to settle for this (which is still very cute!) The kids were mostly good. One of the boys (I won't name names!) was a little mischievous running amok, grabbing fistfuls of cheesies and jellybeans, leaving a trail of toys in his wake etc but he was adorable so you forgive him.<br />
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I was glad that my games were a hit. The kids loved unwrapping the layers in "Pass the gift" and everyone got a present. I had bought a bunch of small gifts -- balls, colouring books etc -- for them to open. There was a bit of jealousy "I wish I'd gotten that!" but luckily the kids had learned in school -- "You get what you get and you don't get upset!" (I loved that when Michelle told me about it. I'd never heard that mantra before but it's a good one.) Finally all the layers were unwrapped and everyone had something. If they were truly unhappy with their prize I had a bag of extras that they could swap out/trade with.<br />
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The cheesie and jellybean eating was almost constant and then when the pizza arrived he barely touched it. He took all the pepperoni off and stuck it in the grass. I joked that I didn't know I had pepperoni growing in my lawn. Then later he complained he had a tummy ache. Too much candy will do that to you.<br />
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I couldn't get angry with him though because he had given Michelle a Christmas present -- a book about a dog named Biscuit and it was the first book she read ENTIRELY by herself! Which was amazing. It was just the right level for her at that time and I was so grateful for the gesture.<br />
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I love this colourful scene with all the kids sitting around on the blanket (a Poppy blanket I might add! Yes everything had to be Troll-themed!)<br />
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The photos are bursting with colour! I was happy that I'd picked up this temporary pop up gazebo on sale. It was perfect for the party. I was also very grateful for a beautiful day because if it had rained I would have had to have everyone inside the whole time and it would have been a bit cramped/overwhelming.<br />
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The next game, Pin the hair on the Troll was also a big hit. The kids loved it and it was hilarious. I got the idea online and made the cutouts. Michelle wanted to help so she designed several hairstyles as well. I had various troll hairstyles, an Elvis one etc so everyone could choose their own when it was their turn. Then I had a scarf to blindfold them and used tape (rather than pins) to stick the hair on. I had prizes for the best hair placements. Michelle was disappointed she didn't get a prize but hers, as you can see, was a little off. Plus I reminded her that she was going to be getting LOTS of nice presents so she didn't have to worry about the little prizes I was giving out. Some of the kids did amazingly well (I almost thought they were peeking.) Mind you, some of them were sort of cheating, feeling the paper so that may have given them an edge over the competition.<br />
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Some were a little worse than others but that just made it funnier!<br />
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Michelle was happy when people chose the hairstyles that she had designed (this was one of them. They were rather inventive.) She's always loved drawing but lately she's been doing more elaborate hairstyles and outfits. She's added fashion designer to her list of potential careers (it's changing all the time. I'm just happy that Doctor is still on the table! It's somewhat more practical than say artist/Princess/superhero...)<br />
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The cloud hair was my idea/design. I thought it was funny. The cloud character was one of my favourites from the movie and I thought this would be a cute way to work him into the game. Michelle's friend did amazingly well with the cloud hair as you can see it's basically PERFECTLY PLACED! She won first prize and then there were a couple of honorable mentions. I didn't want there to be any hurt feelings or kids feeling left out so I made sure everyone got a little present/prize and that they were happy with.<br />
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And then there was the pinata... I considered not getting one. The idea of blindfolded kids swinging a stick sounded like a recipe for disaster. Then I found out that with modern pinatas you can just pull strings and one of the strings will open the bottom to let the candy out.<br />
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There was a troll pinata that was just a circle with a picture of the characters on it but I wasn't crazy about it. This Poppy head one was much cuter and cheaper at Bulk Barn. Unfortunately I didn't realize you have to FILL IT WITH CANDY YOURSELF! I'd never bought a pinata before so I thought they just came pre-filled. Anyway Michelle and I had fun picking out candies to fill it -- some chocolate coins and kisses and other hard candies. I wanted to have a variety. It wound up making the pinata pretty heavy. I was glad to have the gazebo to hang it from. The gazebo was pretty easy/quick to set up and was perfect for the party.<br />
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After my organized games were done the kids had fun just running around playing tag. I probably didn't have to be so OCD about organizing games. The kids would have just had just as much fun running amok on their own but I was trying to plan out the time (counting down those two hours until it was over and I could relax!)<br />
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The time actually flew by. By the time they were done with the games the pizza arrived and we ate and then we headed in for presents and cake. Thankfully the day went off mostly without a hitch!<br />
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When the kids came in it was a challenge getting them all to pose for a photo. (As you can see by a couple of exasperated expressions. One in particular had a tummy ache from consuming an inordinate amount of jelly beans but he had been warned it wasn't the best idea!)<br />
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Thankfully though the majority were more cooperative, enthusiastic and smiling! I wasn't taking no for an answer. Sorry but if you're at a party in my house YOU'RE POSING FOR PHOTOS! LOL<br />
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One of the Moms was kind enough to snap a photo of me with the kids. The Moms were very nice and helpful. One remarked how tidy and extremely organized my house was (I'm OCD so this was a HUGE compliment to me! LOL I like to have everything in its place. Michelle has a LOT of little toys so setting them all up in an orderly fashion like a toy store display is NOT EASY!) We have a lot of things so when they're not organized it's a HUGE MESS. I had quite a time getting the house clean and tidy before the party. I LOVE when it's tidy but it's a lot of work (and doesn't stay that way for long! I ask Michelle to tidy up after playing but it rarely happens.)<br />
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Michelle was happy with her presents. She got some really great things and considering how many toys she has it was a sheer miracle that there weren't many duplicates (just one!)<br />
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Michelle was a very gifted girl! I let her open some of her presents from me ahead of time, some the morning of her kids' party and the rest on her real birthday. I figured I might as well space them out so she could enjoy a few at a time. One year I had her open all of her presents from me at the family party and it was just too much. So we have our own little party together with Mama's presents. There's enough going on at the party with gifts from everyone else.<br />
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One of the Moms snapped pictures of me carrying the Poppy cake to Michelle (which was nice because even a photoholic has limits and I can't hold a cake, sing and take pictures! As much as I might want to!) No one really seems to be looking here but it's OK.<br />
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I was glad that Michelle liked her cake (even though she was slightly critical when I first iced it -- much to my chagrin!) The kids recognized it as Poppy so I'm taking it as a win! It was also delicious. I did a rainbow bit cake for the kids' party and a chocolate cake for the family party.<br />
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At least a couple of kids made the effort to look and/or smile for the pictures. You can't have everything.<br />
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I still can't believe my little girl has turned 5 years old. The last several years have flown by and I know I sound like a broken record but it feels like she was my baby just yesterday. I'm so glad I have so many pictures to remember each stage because it does go so fast. One of these days I'll even print and organize them into proper photo albums. For now this blog is as close as I get to an album!<br />
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I was worried about getting through the 2 hours with a bunch of kids but it too flew by. We hadn't even done the cake yet and parents were showing up to pick up their kids. They stayed a bit later to have their cake and get their Trolls loot bags.<br />
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Michelle was so happy to see her friends from school. She had been missing them. Her best friend's Mom assured me that they could get together for a play date sometime soon. Michelle really wanted to see her again. They hugged goodbye.<br />
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I got a picture of Michelle and I with her presents from her friends and then I let her open some from me. (As if she didn't have enough already!)<br />
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I can't even describe the relief that I felt that the party was over and that it had gone so well. I had been extremely nervous and stressed about it. On top of all the other stress I had to deal with between work, no sleep, health issues, etc. Now I could breathe a sign of relief! Of course I still had a lot of cleaning up to do and another party to host the next day but at least that was just my family so I wasn't nearly as worried. This had been my first kid's party and I survived!<br />
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Michelle was excited to open her presents from me. She gets pretty spoiled. Anything she asks for she pretty much gets but I figure she's not a kid for long and I might as well enjoy this stage where she loves toys and they don't break the bank.<br />
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She had recently asked for Monopoly and I already had the kids' version for her which I got when it was on sale. She was thrilled. She wanted to play it right away. It was a nice simplified version so it didn't take 3 hours to play it like the adult version!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UmQmQKQVM7U/WZ-s_28vHbI/AAAAAAAAPGA/Vcv1ySt_nacOSSud8_Aa6FUHwkDUAe5KwCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/DSCN0446.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UmQmQKQVM7U/WZ-s_28vHbI/AAAAAAAAPGA/Vcv1ySt_nacOSSud8_Aa6FUHwkDUAe5KwCPcBGAYYCw/s320/DSCN0446.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle holding her Monopoly money! She was happy that she won. They just have single dollar bills to make it more child-friendly and the real estate -- rather than Boardwalk and Park Place etc -- just consists of places like "Pizza place" "Pet Store" etc. It was pretty cute. She loved it and I had fun too!<br />
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Of course I let her win. It's just something I do. I like to make Michelle happy in any way I can. She gets so excited when she wins.<br />
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At some point I should probably stop letting her win so that she'll have more realistic expectations of herself and not expect to win ALL the time but I just figure why not make her happy whenever I can?! She has the rest of her life to be disappointed. Why not let childhood be a time of invincibility and magic? </div>
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When I went outside to clean up I found this ENORMOUS insect living on my gazebo. I wasn't sure what it was. It looked like if a fly mated with a grasshopper but it was HUGE! I was horrified and fascinated by it all at once. I wondered if it might be a cicada -- I've never seen one before, usually I just hear them -- that characteristic buzzing from bushes in the Summer. But this one wasn't humming at all.<br />
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I googled it and it seemed I was right, this was a cicada. I read that the females don't sing. They just wait for their prince to come. I read that some cicadas live underground for SEVENTEEN YEARS (?!) before they surface. I felt quite honoured to actually see one and have it on my gazebo. She stayed there all night. The next morning I went out to put up some more balloons and she WAS STILL THERE! I told my Mom about it on the phone. She told my sister about it and everyone was looking forward to seeing it. Unfortunately it flew away before they arrived. I guess it wasn't a social butterfly, but an anti-social cicada...</div>
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I decided to let Michelle open some presents upstairs so I could get pictures in my (or shouldI say OUR because she's still co-sleeping with me..) room. I LOVE this shot of her with her presents. Her hands clasped together in excitement.<br />
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I love this dress too. She picked it out herself. It's a dress fit for a princess! She even wore a tiara for a bit. This is one of my fave dresses. I adore the frilly lilac flowers. Michelle was thrilled to wear it. She always acts like she's a Princess going to a ball. Again, I figure why not let her enjoy that while she can. She'll have plenty of time to wear jeans and sweatpants when she's older. Might as well glam it up while she's a young girl!<br />
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She made this tiara herself. It was a craft kit to make your own headband/tiaras. Michelle loves doing crafts. It was perfect with her mauve dress. Of course being hard plastic it wasn't very comfortable so she didn't keep it on for long. I managed to get a few photos with it anyway.<br />
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I love all the colours -- her mauve dress, the turquoise comforter, the pink presents. I love colour. One of these days I would like to paint again -- walls and canvases! I just have to find (or rather MAKE) the time. Maybe when Michelle is back in school (which unfortunately will be all too soon! TIME IS FLYING BY! I keep saying it because it keeps blowing my mind!)<br />
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Michelle does get spoiled but at least she's appreciative of her presents and makes a fuss over each one. Some kids have almost no reaction but she's animated and excited and grateful so it certainly makes me want to get things for her.<br />
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The truth is that I've always loved toys ("I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid!") even long before I had children. I collected Barbies and stuffed animals etc. So now that I have a child, my sales resistance is less than zero!<br />
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Michelle had asked me for this Playdoh Dentist tooth guy "Doctor Drill and Fill" (you make teeth out of white playdoh and then drill them etc. Good times!) AGES AGO and I was trying to hold out to give it to her after her first trip to the dentist. But then I've had so much drama with dentists (bad experience with a fly by night local office that I would NEVER take her to and then my abscess issues and a new mall dentist after an emergency appointment) so I never got around to making an appointment for her. At least she did have a "dental screening" at school and had no cavities. Anyway she was thrilled with her Doctor Drill and Fill. It almost looks like she's opening her mouth for a check-up!<br />
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Michelle had asked me for this Fingerlings monkey a while back as well. She admired it in Toys R Us and I let on like I wasn't getting it but AS IF I could resist getting an adorable monkey that clings to your finger! Frankly I wish I could get her a real finger monkey (marmoset -- Google it and if your cheeks don't hurt from smiling and you don't exclaim "AWWWWWW!" then there is something seriously wrong with you!) but I hear they can become violent and destructive once they reach adulthood. And that's not cute. Plus some monkeys throw their feces and that's just messed up. So plastic monkey it is! Adorbs! And it's even purple to match her dress. I mean that's just good planning! (Actually it was just lucky. I didn't know until the last minute what dress Michelle would choose to wear...)<br />
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This is as close as I get to fancy, seriously. Martha Stewart, I AIN'T! LOL but I found these adorable little floral toothpicks at the Dollar Store so "Voila!" -- Pretty grapes and cheese!<br />
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I can see why people pair wine and cheese because when I took a bite of cheese with the grapes it is perfection! Of course I like my grapes BEFORE they go bad! I'm not a fan of alcohol. Yes I know it's "grown up" and "sophisticated" to appreciate fine wines. But I'm honest and it's all a bit "Emperor's New Clothes" to me. No I don't detect a hint of woodiness. It tastes like fermented (aka rotten) grapes, which is what it is.<br />
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My dad's bewildered face under the rainbow is everything! LOL Michelle picked out the rainbow and cloud balloons. They have stood the test of time (at this writing -- going on September -- they are still inflated! I've had to give them a couple of puffs -- I have a straw that fits in the hole to re-inflate them) but other than that it's mostly helium and they're still floating! These mylar balloons can last a long time -- months or years. Even after the helium is gone you can blow them up again with air which I did for the unicorn balloon from Auntie May's birthday back in May.<br />
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A HUGE stuffed fishy from Grandma! Grandma also gave Michelle a vintage Cabbage Patch Doll which she's been saving since back in the day. My Mom was reluctant to part with it. (Update: my Mom later asked that Michelle keep it at Grandma's house to play with...And to keep the box. So, truth be told this is Grandma's doll that she is pretending is a gift for Michelle...Actually Michelle has yet to play with it anyway. Michelle does like some dolls but prefers Barbies and Monster High dolls to baby dolls. She also says she doesn't want to have babies because they're "too much work." Clever girl.)<br />
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The walking kitty from Grandma was a hit. Michelle was thrilled with it. She said it looked a bit like Ali, our grey tabby. She has a lot of pets that walk or bark or poop or God knows what. As far as real pets go a cat is more than enough for us right now. Maybe a kitten someday. I've explained why we can never have a dog -- too high maintenance and I travel too much -- but Michelle LOVES them and makes a fuss every time she sees a dog. I love all animals but admittedly am much more of a cat person. Cats are perfection. (Except when you have to clean out the litter box. That's my least fave chore.)<br />
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The whole family under the gazebo. I was so thrilled to get this in time for the party. It was only $50 on sale. I had to call around a couple of stores to find it though. You just pop it open/stretch it out and "Voila!" instant gazebo. Then you can fold it back up when you're done. Which I did after the 2 parties were over. My poor sister and Shane have had MANY so-called permanent gazebos that were destroyed by the wind. It is great to have for shelter on a sunny day but best not to leave out in a storm...<br />
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I kept the empty pinata head hanging as a prop, almost like a Chinese lantern because I thought it was cute. I was a little bummed that the Cicada wasn't there to join the party.<br />
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It was an odd day. Everyone was a little out of sorts. My sister hadn't been feeling well, I was a little stressed/exhausted. Shannon seemed tired. It was just an off day. It happens. I was glad that Michelle still had a good birthday. I was frankly more than partied out after hosting parties two days in a row! Do birthdays HAVE to be an annual thing?! I suddenly realized why some people don't have birthday parties for their kids. It's a LOT of work/stress/aggravation. (But I think I would always do one out of guilt. It's just what I grew up with. You can't NOT have a party for your kid!)<br />
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A family photo with the cake! As I expected most of my family didn't even know who Poppy was and weren't concerned that my cake looked more like a Calavera, Dia de los Muertos sugar skull than the bubbly pink troll princess from the movie "Trolls." The important thing was that I made the effort working with what I had and managed to improvise TWO cakes for my girl, hurting my wrist and exhausting my patience in the process! The things I do for my girl! I wouldn't for anyone else that's for sure! Used to be when I made a cake it was just a cake mix and regular icing and you'd be lucky if I messily scrawled your name on it and or stuck candles in it! Or I'd just do a store bought or ice cream cake. Again, I have the photos to show Michelle when she's older. "See how much I loved you?! I got carpal tunnel making your cake every year!" Squeezing those dang little blobs of icing hundreds of times until I go stark staring mad!<br />
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And then, eating the cake. "I want the EYE!" Michelle exclaims, because she's ruthless like that. She doesn't need to have her cake and eat it too. She just wants to eat it! I also had some cupcakes that I'd made with leftover cake/icing. I wound up having quite a bit of cake. Between that and pizza and Chinese food (because I ordered in for both parties and I couldn't have pizza twice in a row...Well I could actually eat pizza EVERY DAY if I'm being honest but the vote was for Chinese anyway!) I gained 5 lbs. I also had a few jelly beans too. And by a few I mean almost enough to fill a jar... (Small confession -- I had another game planned where kids could guess how many jelly beans were in a jar but then I couldn't be bothered counting them and they looked so pretty I decided to keep the jar so I just put some in a bowl for the kids to have and kept the jar myself. Unfortunately I wound up eating half of it... #DietFail Good thing I don't like the black ones at least (jelly beans, that is.)<br />
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Aaaaaaand SUGAR RUSH. Yes Michelle was bouncing off the walls. She normally is anyway but you add some sugar to the mix and she's WIRED! So she was shrieking with glee at a deafening level. Reggie was making faces which made her laugh even more.<br />
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No more cake for you! I was just glad she liked her cake and was so happy with her two parties. I was incredibly grateful and relieved both parties were over and I could take a (much needed!) rest...<br />
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All's well that ends well! June and July had their rough moments as most months do but we also had some great times and that's what you have to focus on. I was extremely grateful (after all the work and stress) that Michelle's birthday parties went well and that she was happy. It's not always easy for me but I do everything in my power to make Michelle happy. She's worth the sacrifices.<br />
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High five! I still can't believe My little girl is FIVE YEARS OLD NOW! It has flown by and it has been (despite moments of hell on Earth) mostly wonderful... Sometimes I don't know how I'll get through (the day, the week, the year...) but somehow I do. And the rough days just make you appreciate the good days even more -- Abscess makes the heart grow fonder! LOL And the reality is that time flies whether you're having fun or not. I'm sure another 5 years from now I'll be saying I can't believe she's 10 years old already (assuming Trump is impeached and doesn't blow the world up before then!) You can't stop time. Unless you take a gazillion pictures which I will continue to do!<br />
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Michelle is starting school in a few days?! Senior kindergarten! But I'll save that for the next blog...<br />
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Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-59340303047336542492017-07-19T01:43:00.001-04:002017-07-20T02:06:14.074-04:00Be Kind...<br />
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Time keeps going by at warp speed! I'm always saying it but it's always true. April and May absolutely FLEW BY! I can't BELIEVE we're through June already! (Actually I'm still working on this and it's mid-July! I'm always running behind.) It's crazy. Of course there were so many special occasions and with my insane work schedule now life has gotten so hectic there's barely time to check the calendar and see that a month has somehow disappeared. <br />
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But amid the rush sometimes you have to take a moment to breathe, enjoy the sunshine and hug your little girl. Michelle is my happy place and I am grateful for every moment with her. Having time away from her just makes me appreciate her even more.<br />
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Spending time outside together is my favourite thing. And it's official. Spring is here! (Actually Summer is here now! But this is a post about April and May...)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-efuwfYV_2Ho/WTDRT2v6qxI/AAAAAAAAN0I/7XNYQYKBddgz8eEeKD1LHT6AZHfhC090ACLcB/s1600/DSCN7262.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1247" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-efuwfYV_2Ho/WTDRT2v6qxI/AAAAAAAAN0I/7XNYQYKBddgz8eEeKD1LHT6AZHfhC090ACLcB/s320/DSCN7262.JPG" width="248" /></a>Michelle and I were both happy to see Spring. Of course Spring can go either way -- winter one day, summer the next and as the saying goes "April showers bring May flowers." On cold and/or rainy days we still found fun things to do. We went to see "Boss Baby." It looked cute and funny. Michelle and I were both excited to see it. I love Alec Baldwin, especially his recent impressions of the other Boss Baby (aka Man Child, inept President Donald Trump! Melissa McCarthy is brilliant as Sean Spicer as well and I'd LOVE to see them do a satirical feature film together but I don't suppose I could drag Michelle to that!) Anyway, we both loved "Boss Baby." It was adorable and entertaining and wound up being quite heart warming as well. I tried to hide my tears underneath the 3D glasses. But I'm a sentimental fool and I'll cry at just about anything!<br />
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The obligatory self-timed picture by the movie poster, because I'm a camera-carrying photoholic! As evidenced by our winter garb it was still on the cold side out but livable.<br />
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I was reluctant to remove my snow tires because they were still calling for snow now and then and if I switched to the Spring tires and then got stuck in a snowstorm I'd be FURIOUS! Eventually however it seemed we were out of the woods and I had the tires changed. I really can't recommend snow tires enough for the peace of mind/feeling of safety. I used to risk it many years ago on my own but with Michelle I don't want to take any chances and I do so much commuting now that I really didn't have a choice (especially after that terrifying night I got stuck in a brutal snowstorm pre-snow-tires. I NEVER want to experience that again!)<br />
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Another way to make the most of a cold or rainy day is to head to the tropics, indoors. Michelle wanted to go to the Butterfly Conservatory and I'm ALWAYS up for that! Yes we both dressed in butterflies, as you can see. Michelle in one of her several butterfly dresses and I in a butterfly shirt.<br />
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When you're a photoholic you make the effort! It's all about the pictures! And if you're going to look at butterflies you might as well dress the part! People often remark on our outfits "Isn't that cute? You're both wearing butterflies!" I'm sure there are also people who glance and roll their eyes thinking "What a loser! Bad enough she dresses her kid in theme but herself? LAME!"<br />
I can't help it. I gotta be me!<br />
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Most of the butterflies are pretty shy/skittish but sometimes you get lucky and find a friendly one who will sit on your finger or arm for a moment or two for a photo. I always remind Michelle NEVER to touch a butterfly's wings or you could hurt them. I cringe when I see other kids (usually in a large group like a school trip or with a family) grabbing at the butterflies, trying to pick them up by their wings... I want to tell them off but of course it's not my place. I try to be gentle about it "Careful sweetie... don't touch their wings!" meanwhile shooting daggers at the parent/teacher whoever is oblivious to the kid about to murder one of the most beautiful creatures in existence. Yes it's ironic that I have a phobia of/hatred for certain insects (the ugly ones! Centipedes, earwigs, spiders -- though I'm learning to respect spiders for killing other bugs) I'm fiercely protective of other ones, the beautiful ones, like butterflies. It's kind of like my feeling on dandelions vs wildflowers.<br />
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And then sometimes a butterfly just lands on your dress like a well placed accessory/broche!<br />
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I never tire of snapping pictures of Michelle. My happiest moments are going on outings with her and taking pictures. It's like I get to enjoy it twice (or endless times actually!) All of my favourite beautiful/adorable moments forever frozen in an image that I can go back and look at whenever I want. It's a sort of magic that just never gets old for me. From the old school Polaroids that you could see instantly to the prints you used to have to pick up at the PhotoLab (remember that?! FILM cameras?!) to digital cameras where you see the images right away on the screen and can upload them to your computer (and eventually, hopefully actually print your favourites and get caught up on your baby books for the past 5 years!) I have been in awe of photography for several years. I love it. Life is made up of moments. Taking a photo lets you capture and keep it. That is everything to me.<br />
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I love Michelle's expression when the butterflies were flying at her and got too close to her face -- that slightly freaked out yet amused grin, backing up to stay out of their way... So cute and funny! I managed to capture a few of these moments. While we were there we saw one girl, about twice Michelle's age who was screaming and running away, freaking out at the butterflies. Apparently she was afraid of butterflies. I wondered why her sadistic parents would have dragged her there if she had a phobia of them or under what circumstances she came to be there. I wanted to ask how she could possibly be afraid of something so beautiful. I mean, I'm afraid of ugly bugs (scorpions, earwigs, centipedes -- creepy, evil alien looking monsters with pincers and too many legs and God knows what) but how can you be afraid of something beautiful and that can't possibly hurt you? But then there are people with phobias of puppets and pickles so it's not something you can rationalize. Still. If you know you have a phobia of butterflies., WHY WOULD YOU GO TO THE BUTTERFLY CONSERVATORY?! Just saying...<br />
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I always have to get into a couple of pictures just to show that yes, I was there too. I'd be lost without the self-timer. Well, I just wouldn't be in any pictures. I'd just be the invisible mom behind the camera. This is the selfie generation now and everyone does it. I never see anyone else setting up a timer with their old school camera like me though. I just feel like the i-phone selfies are too close up. (And I can't use my phone camera anymore anyway. Apparently the i-phone 4, though it's a modern gadget to me, has been rendered all but obsolete. But I'll save that tale for later...)<br />
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Butterfly on my finger. A blue morpho no less, my favourite. Unfortunately she wouldn't cooperate by displaying her stunning iridescent blue wings. We just got to enjoy the brown side with their fake eyes. The morphos are very elusive. The hardest butterfly to get close to. Once in a while we get lucky...<br />
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She flew away before I could take any more photos. I still felt privileged to have gotten even this close for a moment.<br />
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Happiness is like a butterfly. Sometimes it eludes you. And other times you find it or it finds you when you least expect it. So you just enjoy the moment and be grateful for it, however long it lasts (even if it's only a few seconds before it flutters away...)<br />
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When Michelle was younger (and much less cooperative) I dreamed that one day I'd actually get a picture of her smiling and looking at the camera, with a butterfly. Now she indulges me all the time! She understands about posing. I'm glad that she loves going to beautiful places as much as I do, of course for different reasons. For Michelle she loves the adventure of running around and discovering things. For me, the best part of anywhere we go or anything we do is being able to TAKE PHOTOS! When Michelle asks to go somewhere I usually say "Yes!" but counter it with "as long as you let me take photos!" because I will take hundreds. Eventually she does lose patience and roll her eyes or say "No more pictures, Mama!" but I usually get 100 photos in before that happens...<br />
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Michelle is a good sport. Big smile for the selfie with Mama and butterfly! I love Michelle's smile. These are the happy moments I hold on to when I'm going through a rough time. And to me, you can never take too many pictures. When she's older (and she's growing more every day!) I'll be glad that I captured these moments and these smiles. These experiences that Michelle and I share mean so much to me. I know I don't remember a lot (or anything) about my childhood under the age of 5. There aren't a lot of photos either. These photos are tangible memories that she can look back on. Even if she didn't remember she could relive these times through the pictures and I get to look back and enjoy them. One day when I get around to it (I've been procrastinating the project for years!) I will collect my favourite photos and put them in albums. So far I don't have photo albums of Michelle since she was a newborn.<br />
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Michelle loves dropping a coin in this donation receptacle. It spins around the large funnel gradually until it gets to the small hole in the centre where it spins faster and faster. She wanted to keep doing it over and over but I ran out of change. I rarely have actual money on me. I use my credit card everywhere (even to get my iced capps at Tim Hortons! Even the Dollar Stores are taking credit cards now! Woo hoo!) And any time I do have a bit of change in my purse, somehow Michelle ends up with it. She's amassed quite a collection of (my!) coins in her piggy (actually Sponge Bob) bank. At least she sometimes pays for her own ice cream when the truck comes down the street!<br />
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I love these photos with the rainbow lollipop and colourful painting in the background. I'm a sucker for colour. It's hard to believe when I was younger I dressed in nothing but black because now I LOVE colour. The more colourful the better! (Though I do still wear black occasionally.) Especially for photos and paintings I love colours. Turquoise, pinks and purples are my faves. Michelle's favourite colours are pink and purple and she wants to paint her room pink and purple. I told her we will try to do it someday though I shudder to think of the all the furniture I have to move away from the wall! I don't even know how I'm going to do it! I actually like painting (walls & canvases!) It's the prep work (moving furniture, putting down drop clothes, taping etc) that I CAN'T STAND! I wish I could just twitch my nose and it would be done. Then again I wish all housework was like that! Oh to be like Samantha in Bewitched!<br />
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This is Michelle and her (rather realistic looking!) leopard (one of her MANY stuffed animals.) Michelle always has to have a stuffy with her -- to go to school, on car trips etc. I'm glad that she's so affectionate and loves to cuddle. She's always asking me for hugs as well and I'm always more than happy to oblige. When I can't be there (in the backseat with her in the car and at school), she has her stuffy to cuddle with. I'm hoping it's something she'll outgrow, like a security blanket. So far I haven't denied her when she's wanted to bring a toy with her though I draw the line at her bringing them into a store (they might not realize you came in with it!) and draw the line at her bringing several!<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0ROUQFEDAlU/WTFoqcO_fcI/AAAAAAAAN3o/BX7FscGJgxMhdk-9krzVFEzYlRgkTOs_QCLcB/s1600/DSCN7410.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1182" data-original-width="1600" height="147" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0ROUQFEDAlU/WTFoqcO_fcI/AAAAAAAAN3o/BX7FscGJgxMhdk-9krzVFEzYlRgkTOs_QCLcB/s200/DSCN7410.JPG" width="200" /></a>"You can bring one animal to school, not a whole zoo!" I love stuffed animals too though I have given my collection to Michelle and I wasn't in the habit of bringing them along with me (though I do have Beanie Boo key chains -- a leopard and a black cat!)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yl9n5ZyxLrE/WTFpVGA2sCI/AAAAAAAAN4I/yPDYUwLAjAcuGoaIe4KoNxljWfa2uJA5wCLcB/s1600/IMG_0968.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yl9n5ZyxLrE/WTFpVGA2sCI/AAAAAAAAN4I/yPDYUwLAjAcuGoaIe4KoNxljWfa2uJA5wCLcB/s320/IMG_0968.JPG" width="240" /></a>Generally, I'm not a fan of masks. There's a whole "Eyes Wide Shut" Satanic cult/bandit/horror movie killer creepy factor to them for me but Michelle loves them and particularly likes making them so when she found this butterfly mask craft in the gift shop she begged me to get it. I'm a big softie and pretty much give in to her demands (within reason) so I got it. <br />
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Michelle had a ball making her masks and then wanted us to try them on/have a fashion show. Of course I'm a photoholic and have to document everything so here it is. The masks are prettier when they're not on your face. Admittedly there are some feathery beaded Venetian masks which are sort of pretty but even they sort of creep me out. I just always think the person wearing a mask is pure evil. I tried putting a mask on Ali (our cat) but she wasn't having it. Not for an instant. The stuffies were much more cooperative.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PtYxibdAt-k/WTFpQiejAaI/AAAAAAAAN34/h6UFYm-REuMJ0ZxxZG8S5tEYlclP5psdgCLcB/s1600/DSCN7414.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PtYxibdAt-k/WTFpQiejAaI/AAAAAAAAN34/h6UFYm-REuMJ0ZxxZG8S5tEYlclP5psdgCLcB/s320/DSCN7414.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle gets a kick out of playing on my cellphone (obsolete i-phone 4 that it is.) She likes scrolling through pictures, playing Angry Birds and Cut the Rope. I know some kids her age already have their own devices (tablets and what not). I won't be doing that. I don't even have a tablet myself. She is going to have to wait. She's already asked me for a computer. She does have a little V-tech toy one with games on it and she likes to pretend it's a laptop like Mama's and that she's doing work on it. Some people have tried to tell me that Michelle will be left behind if she doesn't have the latest technology. To me, she picks things up so naturally I'm sure she'll figure things out when she has one to use. Besides I think kids are too attached to their gadgets "Is there wi-fi here?!" and I'd rather she just engage in the real world outside rather than be staring at a screen all the time! There's plenty of time for computers and apps and things when she's older. Kids should be kids! Play and use their imagination, not be glued to mindless gadgets!<br />
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I miss Michelle when I have to work but my Mom says it may be good for her to have some time away from me so she gets to miss me and not take me for granted so much. She's always so excited to see me when I get home (back to my Mom's) after work.<br />
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I try to spend a little time with Michelle in the backyard at my Mom's when it's a nice day either before work (when I'm on nightshift) or after work (when I'm on dayshift.) It's good to get some fresh air and relax on the garden swing with her, play catch or hide and seek with Michelle. She also has a ball running around Grandma's big backyard. After a long dark cold winter it's a treat to get outside and get some sunshine whenever you can. It had reached the point where you didn't need a coat but you still needed a sweater.<br />
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An impromptu family portrait of Michelle, Ali and me! Michelle usually sits on the stairs to put on her shoes. When Ali comes to join her I say "Let's get a photo!" Usually Ali doesn't look but sometimes we get lucky and she looks right at the camera.<br />
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With the cellphone because you can actually see the screen (and know what you're taking) when you take a selfie, we could see Ali's face and it made Michelle laugh which made for an even cuter photo! "Say cheese!" The quality of the i-phone pics was never very good but it was great for taking selfies, when I could still use it as a camera but that came to an end in May....I'll get to that story a little later...<br />
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A beautiful day to head to the park! Michelle was thrilled. Now that she can swing on her own (though she still likes a starting push from me) she likes to go on the "big girl swing." I love how animated she is, how excited she gets over the simplest things. I wish I got that excited or happy about anything! Everything is an adventure. Everything is magical. It never gets old.<br />
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"I'm FLYING MAMA!" I see other kids who seem relatively calm/unexpressive while Michelle is over the top thrilled and I'm glad that I have such a happy girl. Though sometimes it makes me feel like a gloomy Gus/Eeyore in comparison. In my defense it's tough to be too enthusiastic when you're sleep deprived and zombie-like (as I am most of the time!)<br />
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My other girl, Ali, gets somewhat neglected since Michelle has been around the last few years (let's face it, my daughter comes first!) but she's still my baby too and she's always happy when she has my full attention (when I'm home and Michelle is in school.) My favourite photos of Ali are always in natural light. The sun was streaming in one day and I managed to get a selfie (or two!) of the two of us under the table. I love her expression here and how she's staring right at the camera, as though she could see her own image. Cats are so beautiful. I especially love their eyes.<br />
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Another day at the park, this time the park near Grandma's house. It had been a long day and I was beyond exhausted but Michelle asked if we could go to the park and I couldn't say no. Anything to make her happy, regardless of what it might do to me! Seeing her happy is worth it. So, ready to drop, I walk to the park pulling Michelle in the wagon. I couldn't help but think how nice it would be to have someone pull ME in a wagon! How nice it is to be little and have no responsibilities -- to have nothing to do but play and have fun and to have someone to take care of you, to indulge your every whim (not that my Mom indulged my every whim as a child or even ANY whim! Everything was no-no-no. I try to say yes to Michelle as much as possible if only to contrast what I lived through!) Of course, being the grown up and a single Mom at that, it's all me and there's no help. So I'm the one pulling the wagon, paying the bills, doing it all. Even when I'm really REALLY tired. (So always...)<br />
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I do enjoy watching Michelle play at the park though --when she actually allows me to just sit on the sidelines, that is. Often she wants a push on the swing or wants me to play "pirates" etc with her.<br />
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I must be getting older because lately it seems there's always something hurting -- I keep throwing my back out, hurting my shoulder, etc. I try to explain to her that sometimes Mama can't pick her up/give piggybacks, pull the wagon etc. The hardest thing is lifting her out of the car and carrying her up to bed when she falls asleep in the car. That nearly kills me. She's under 50 lbs but she feels like 100 when she's asleep! Sometimes I REALLY wish I had help! Heavy lifting is one of those times! I'm also not a big fan of mowing the lawn, putting out garbage etc. But at the rate I'm going I may not date again so it looks like I'll be doing all the heavy lifting and outdoor chores myself for the rest of my life!<br />
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Hanging out in Grandma's backyard is one of my favourite things. After a long day it's nice to just sit on the swing and get some fresh air and de-stress. As I've mentioned many times before I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder so I was very happy to see the winter end and to break out my sandals again! I waited until the last minute to remove my snow tires because we still got a random snowstorm here and there and I didn't want to be caught without them (especially after that time I got caught in a blizzard pre-snow tires and barely made it home alive! NEVER AGAIN!) My snow tires are safely tucked away in my garage until next year now. I am grateful they got me through the winter.<br />
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Michelle and I went to see the Smurfs. I wasn't overly keen on going to see it but I did wind up enjoying it. I even got a little teary at the end (without ruining it for you if you planned on seeing it, there is a bit of an incident with Smurfette, the one female Smurf in the village...) Michelle loved it. It was cute. Pretty much any animated film you see has some humour that will appeal to adults (since the filmmakers realize grown ups will have to sit through the movie with their kids, it might as well be entertaining to all ages!)<br />
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I had watched the Smurfs on TV when I was a kid. The movie, like the show, featured the little blue creatures (smurfs) and their nemesis, the evil wizard Gargamel and his cat Azrael. Michelle didn't know anything about these characters and hadn't seen them before but saw a preview for the movie and that was enough. The twist with this movie is that they come across a village of warrior female smurfs. Michelle talked me into getting her a stuffed one. We also picked up some of the collectible smurf houses in McDonalds' Happy Meals. With kids' movies it's all about the merchandising!<br />
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Michelle was excited for Easter coming up. While she knew that it's about Jesus rising from the dead (they teach the kids some version of that in kindergarten) she was mostly psyched about the chocolate, bunnies and egg hunt. I wound up giving her a couple of her bunnies ahead of time (and she already had quite a collection of bunnies -- they almost seem to multiply like rabbits!) I have always loved stuffed animals (even before I had a child!) and now that I have a good excuse to buy toys my sales resistance is even lower. If I see something adorable and inexpensive, I basically have no choice!<br />
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We went for a visit at Auntie May's. Shane had been working on renovating their Lego room and now it was done it looked beautiful! It's adorable seeing a whole little town made of Lego! I can't believe the details in the pieces. They really think of everything! Michelle loves the room of course. She wanted to play with the Lego. They do still have some loose pieces to build with. She knows not to tamper with the finished pieces! Heaven knows how long it took to put them all together. At least it's a hobby Shane can share with the kids. They all love it. I guess I'm not the only one who's a kid at heart and loves toys!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2pMevATtVWg/WTFyb9RjmeI/AAAAAAAAN7U/sAc2Wc_cO_kL6_G1Iir0KxtR1NYt3_zXACLcB/s1600/DSCN7513.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1364" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2pMevATtVWg/WTFyb9RjmeI/AAAAAAAAN7U/sAc2Wc_cO_kL6_G1Iir0KxtR1NYt3_zXACLcB/s320/DSCN7513.JPG" width="272" /></a>I love the periwinkle blue walls and it adds to the illusion that it's a real little town surrounded by blue skies!<br />
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I was dressed in almost the same shade of blue so I couldn't resist getting a photo next to the wall! I love this picture of Michelle and I. She looks so sweet. Seeing rooms freshly painted in pretty colorus makes me want to paint my own house but as I mentioned before I hate the prep work and it's a bit of an overwhelming task, especially on your own. One of these days I'd definitely like to paint Michelle's room (anything that would make her want to FINALLY sleep in her own room!), possibly my room, the bathrooms etc. There are a few areas that need touch-ups as well from nail pops etc.<br />
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The kids in bunny ears! Total photo op! They were excited for Easter too. My Mom never did Easter egg hunts with us that I can remember but May and I do them with our kids (Mom also never allowed us to believe in Santa Claus. She told us it was when Jesus was born and that's the end of it. I just don't see the harm in letting kids enjoy all the magic and fun of each holiday. Michelle is familiar with both the religious and pagan versions of each holiday. Although we didn't have egg hunts we usually got a chocolate bunny for Easter. I always wanted the pretty ones with the fancy candy eye but Mom said the solid chocolate ones were a better value. It always took so long to eat and I always started feet first.<br />
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We played with the apps on Shannon's i-phone and they had some special Easter themed ones. Michelle as a chocolate bunny was just too adorable for words! I love this picture!<br />
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Michelle and I always love visiting Auntie May. We both have a ball. Michelle enjoys playing with her cousin Reggie and I love catching up with my sister and my niece. Somehow May always has me in stitches laughing. Sometimes I barely make it to the washroom in time nearly wetting myself laughing so hard. Laughter really is the best medicine. With health issues that come and go and ongoing stress/lack of sleep it's a treat to be able to let loose and laugh your head off once in a while. I can always count on May for that. No one shares my sense of humour the way she does. The snapchat snaps are always good for a laugh too.<br />
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We were home for Easter, Michelle had a great time on her Easter egg hunt and collected a lot of eggs. She was especially excited about the ones with something inside (Play Doh etc). She loves collecting eggs and sometimes asks me to hide them so she can look even when it's not Easter.<br />
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"You're getting warmer...You're getting colder..."<br />
It's tricky though because my memory is so bad I often forget where I even hid them! So we just come across one at a later date in some random spot (like inside a boot or something!) The Easter bunny did a better job of hiding them where they could be found without too much trouble. I got a set of ears for Michelle to wear. I even had a set for Ali and I though I think Ali sported hers for approximately 10 seconds before she shook it off in disgust.<br />
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It was too much to hope for that Ali would keep the ears on AND look at the camera. This was as good as it was going to get. You just set the self timer and hope for the best.<br />
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You can't really see in the photos but even Michelle's dress had a bunny on it. As evidenced by photos at the Butterfly Conservatory etc I am very into "themed" dressing because I'm a total nerd and truly it's ALL ABOUT THE PHOTOS! We dress for the occasion no matter what it may be. I didn't have a bunny shirt for me or I would have worn it! I had to settle for pastel hearts that sort of reminded me of Easter candy. H&M makes the most adorable dresses for girls but they neglect to make them in adult sizes so I could have one to match. And yes I would wear dresses with butterflies and bunnies on them. Hell to the yes! LOL<br />
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Pink ears, pink bunny, pink bunny dress. Pink overload because why not? We are unapologetic girly girls! Michelle knew that she'd better give me a smile so I'd be satisfied and stop taking photos and she could open her presents.<br />
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When I was a kid I was lucky if I got a chocolate bunny. That was it. No presents, no stuffies, no egg hunts. Michelle gets it all. As I've said before my parenting style tends to be saying yes to all my mother's nos -- giving Michelle all the things that I didn't get to have. Also because I'm a single Mom Michelle gets all of my love, attention and focus and it's pretty hard not to spoil her with cute things which I enjoy almost as much as she does. It's like Christmas for every occasion. Actually some kids wouldn't get this much for Christmas! I usually don't plan to get so much. It just kind of happens. I'll pick up a couple of things here and there over time and by the time the date rolls around, I've amassed a motherlode of gifts. (Mind you a lot of them are from the dollar store so it's not a lot of $$$!)<br />
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I did break down and get Michelle a Hatchimal. She had asked for one at Christmas and they were completely sold out EVERYWHERE. Then this year I was at a Toys R Us and saw one behind the counter. I asked about it and they said they had just gotten the one but I was welcome to purchase it if I wanted. It wasn't on sale. It wasn't Christmas but I panicked and thought "What if they never have them again? What if I miss my chance to get one of these limited impossible to get toys?!" So I got it and put it aside. Then I realized. AN EGG?! PERFECT GIFT FOR EASTER! And it was! I didn't even give the Easter Bunny credit for this baby. Mama had to pay $70 for this little gem. Michelle was thrilled though and it was quite an experience getting it to hatch. It was worth it just to see how happy and excited she was. I got a bunch of photos and some video of her with it.<br />
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It was exciting when our little "Penguala" (like a penguin fused with a koala I guess?) hatched. It was a pretty cool concept so kudos to Spin Master for the whole experience though I was still a little bitter about the whole Christmas thing. I mean HOW DO YOU MISS THE CHRISTMAS MARKET?!?! Anyway, being an egg and all it did seem like the perfect Easter gift! But on top of everything else obviously Michelle was SUPER SPOILED. Again, I can't help it. As a kid I felt like I never got ANYTHING I wanted. So I try to give Michelle EVERYTHING she wants. If I can afford it.<br />
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We had pancakes for brunch. Michelle didn't like pancakes at first but now she loves them and when we're home on the weekend I try to make them. She felt quite grown up eating with a knife and fork (it's a special cutlery set for kids so it's not too sharp.) She had several pancakes. I always give myself the crappy first batch of misshapen fugly hotcakes and save the perfect rounded ones for her (for some reason the first set NEVER work out. Maybe it's too much butter on the pan or something? Or maybe I'm just a really bad cook -- hint -- yes I am!) I love when we can just stay at home and relax and not have to worry about rushing anywhere. Somehow between work and school and everything else it seems like more often than not we are rushing to go somewhere and don't get to just chill at home and have brunch and play. There's no place like home. Especially when you don't get to be there often.<br />
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Michelle also loves playing in the backyard. Though our yard isn't quite as big as Grandma's (it's about 1/3 of the size) it's still plenty of room to run amok, play ball, chase bubbles or whatever.<br />
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Michelle is very vocal. Sometimes I ask her to tone it down. As some parents say "use your inside voice!" but I don't know if Michelle HAS an inside voice. She sings, yells, plays all at the top of her lungs. No matter where we are. At home. In the park At the store. She's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. While she's trying to get the attention of the whole world I'm just quietly trying to go about my business inconspicuously. I'm glad she's happy/having fun but sometimes she embarrasses me. Sometimes she gives me a headache. Or both. When we're outside I warn her that some people may have their windows open and she may be causing a disturbance!<br />
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Ali loves to be outside as well though I have to keep an eye on her/make sure she doesn't wander off. She's mostly pretty good because she knows if she leaves the yard I will scoop her up and put her in the house but if she just chills out in the backyard she can enjoy the sunshine longer. The only problem is that she loves to eat grass and then often throws up inside. I don't know why she does this or whether all cats do it but it's a bit of a nuisance.<br />
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Michelle gets a kick out of having Ali outside, as you can see. Sometimes she chases a bug which is quite amusing to watch. She may be huge and round but it doesn't slow her down. Ali can run like a jack rabbit, scampering across the grass in record time.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zj64GE_L338/WTF66L6yx3I/AAAAAAAAOA4/JQVjR4H1YEE7mttesfKTc2Kk6m0MEjhxQCLcB/s1600/DSCN7658.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zj64GE_L338/WTF66L6yx3I/AAAAAAAAOA4/JQVjR4H1YEE7mttesfKTc2Kk6m0MEjhxQCLcB/s320/DSCN7658.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle loves to dress up. Sometimes randomly she'll just disappear into her room, close the door and come out later as a fairy/princess/bride/who knows? So she came out as a bride this day and had a little white cat purse to match. I can't remember who she was marrying, if anyone. Being only 4 years old of course Michelle is not getting married though she apparently has a more active dating life than I do. One day she told me that TWO boys in her class had tried to kiss her! She said she didn't let them (Good girl! Just say no!Stay that way as long as you can please!) One was calling her beautiful. It's cute at that age but kind of scary too. I can't even imagine when she's old enough to date. I'll probably have a heart attack. I just try not to think about it! I won't want to let her out of my sight! It's a delicate balance of course because if you're too restrictive they want to rebel but if you're too lenient/not dialed in they can get into trouble and you don't even know about it. I am a control freak. I will be on her like white on rice!</div>
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Somebunny was in our backyard eating clover. I wanted to tell him to help himself to as much as he wanted because it saves me mowing it! I actually don't mind clover because at least it's green and seems to grow better than grass.<br />
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I managed to get a decent photo of our bunny friend by zooming in. He didn't seem to notice me with my camera through the patio door. He also had an audience of Michelle and Ali. "Michelle look! Bunny!"<br />
"Awwwwww!" I couldn't resist getting a picture of them watching him.<br />
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Nothing says Spring like a bunny in your backyard. I guess if I was growing vegetables I might be annoyed at him nibbling but he's just so darn cute!<br />
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Michelle drew a couple of bunnies and a puppy that were very cute. I love her drawings and how meticulous she is about colouring them in. I save all of her artwork and am accumulating quite a massive pile that has to be sorted through. I was labeling her work and putting it into file folders but I'm about a year or two behind now so I'll have to go back and organize them at some point. I just keep adding to the huge pile which is now in the guest room waiting for me to find the time to do something with it. Of course since she's been in school there is even more work collecting. I remember one woman I used to work with who threw out her kids' artwork (! I can't even imagine! But she wasn't the sentimental type like me and couldn't stand clutter.)<br />
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And then the weather warmed up even more and it seemed to go from Spring to Summer. I love when you don't need to wear a jacket anymore. I love when the sun is shining again and the flowers bloom and it's not so dark and bleak anymore! Spring was here to stay and we enjoyed it in Grandma's backyard. For a little bit anyway until I had to go to work nightshift.<br />
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It was crazy hair day at school and I had just put Michelle's hair in a ponytail on top of her head but her teacher added some pipe cleaners and ribbons.<br />
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We went to visit Auntie May one day and it was such a nice day we all went to the park.<br />
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It's a great park with rubber ground so it doesn't hurt as much if you fall (which is brilliant and a huge improvement over gravel or wood chips which get stuck in your shoes but I guess it's somewhat cost prohibitive.) Michelle loved climbing on the dragon sculpture. A friend of May's at the park offered to take a picture of all of us. I always love getting group shots and there isn't always a handy place to sit the camera for the self timer.<br />
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Even with the rubber ground somehow Michelle managed to fall and get hurt THREE TIMES! She didn't want to leave (we offered). She still picked herself back up and wanted to play. One time she slipped and fell running. Another time she misjudged the rungs of a ladder and fell through. Another time she fell off the slide. I tried to watch her every moment but even as a hoverer I missed a couple of times. I always ran to comfort her as fast as I could. When she fell through the ladder I was worried she might have hurt her leg but a nurse that happened to be there assured me she was OK. Before I knew it she was running and laughing and playing again.<br />
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It's constant stress having a kid though. They fall and get hurt ALL THE TIME. Usually a kiss from Mama is enough to cure her/stop her from crying.<br />
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In spite of the Coyote warning signs we decided to brave a walk through the woods. We didn't come across any coyotes during our stroll. I hear you can always drop an anvil on them anyway ("Beep! Beep!" If you're not a Looney Tunes fan or loony just ignore this...) We were hoping to see a deer (apparently many had been spotted in the area -- get it? Spotted deer? OK I'll stop!) but we didn't find any of them either. I couldn't resist grabbing a selfie (or a few!) of us. This one that turned out the best, with all of us in it, the others were a bit off with someone blocked and/or making a face.<br />
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Then the kids wanted to have a race. Maniac that I am, I decided to join in. I wound up overtaking everyone and winning (I often let Michelle win races but this was a race against multiple opponents and my competitive nature kicked in!) but not without collapsing at the end of it, completely red-faced and out of breath with every part of me aching. I can really push myself when I have to (as I did last year for the Fitness Test where I got 99/100! That still blows my mind!) but it takes a lot out of me. And I shouldn't push myself because I usually pay for it later. Especially lifting Michelle. I keep aggravating old back/shoulder injuries.<br />
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Who could resist the opportunity to be a fennec fox? Not me! How adorable are they?!<br />
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I always love playing with the silly snaps on Shannon's i-phone. It's always good for a laugh. And I'm a photoholic so any photo op is welcome! The sillier the better!<br />
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May and Shannon ALWAYS make me laugh. Michelle always has a ball too. Visiting at Auntie May's is one of our favourite things to do! We go there as often as we can. No matter what is going on in my life, now matter how tired or stressed I feel, going to May's always makes me feel better. No one gets me like May and no one makes me laugh the way she does. I wish I could see her every day!<br />
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Michelle went on a school trip with her class and got to make a planter. I was surprised they'd let the kids use a hammer and nails on their own but she did pretty well! She was anxious to plant something in it so I got some soil and flower seeds and she planted them. There's something magical about planting a seed in the earth and seeing it transform into a living, growing thing. Michelle kept checking and watering and was very excited when it started to sprout and continue to grow. I think it's a good experience for kids to learn to plant things. Michelle has a green thumb already!<br />
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My niece had been borrowing my keyboard until she got her own then she gave mine back. I set it up in my room and Michelle has been playing with it. I want to get her piano lessons at some point. She's already started making little tunes and WRITING HER OWN SONGS! I love her lyrics. So cute and creative. I loved her line "My heart is breaking up with you." I found it a clever turn of phrase. Instead of a heart breaking it's "breaking up" with you! Michelle never ceases to amaze me. A songwriter at 4 years old! Of course it's in our blood. I've written about 1000 songs.<br />
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A beautiful day for a slide! Michelle insisted on going face first. It's sort of symbolic of her approach to life -- to just dive in headfirst, full of enthusiasm. Meanwhile I'm the more cautious one, waiting in the wings, worrying, warning her that she could get hurt. I try to step back a bit and let Michelle be Michelle. She's the opposite of me in so many ways -- so full of energy and joy, so friendly and full of life, an extrovert who wants to be friends with everyone. I'm more reserved and withdrawn. While Michelle is hooting and hollering, running amok and having a ball, I'm usually sitting quietly, slightly embarassed, with my head in my hands, trying to stifle my impulse to say "Shhh! Settle down!" And sometimes I do say it when she's really over the top. But mostly I let her have fun because she might as well. I'm more than uptight enough for the both of us!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d8c_Cqq-L_A/WTGCilHjfVI/AAAAAAAAOGE/ODMGIBF-9KAf7eX8P9D9Pr8Bq4SuTcCUwCLcB/s1600/Michelle%2Bin%2Bclass%2BMay%2B1st.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="783" data-original-width="1072" height="233" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d8c_Cqq-L_A/WTGCilHjfVI/AAAAAAAAOGE/ODMGIBF-9KAf7eX8P9D9Pr8Bq4SuTcCUwCLcB/s320/Michelle%2Bin%2Bclass%2BMay%2B1st.jpg" width="320" /></a>This is a photo of Michelle in her class that her teacher took. I love the contrast between how animated Michelle is and how solemn/unexpressive everyone else looks. It just sums Michelle up. She is a bubbly happy girl with a zest for life. A couple of mornings when my weariness was showing enough that her teachers commented how tired I looked (when I had to work 16 hour nightshifts) I confessed how supremely exhausted/sleep deprived and stressed I was. I was happy to hear her teacher say that there is no evidence of my stress in Michelle. I might be going through hell but you'd never know it to look at her. She is a happy, bright, excited and energetic girl. It brought a tear to my eye. That's all that matters. As long as she's happy, it doesn't matter what I'm going through. My sacrifices and commute and lack of sleep and everything else I go through is to make a better life for her, so if she's good, it's all worth it. At the end of the day (even a very long exhausting zombie day for me) she knows that she is loved.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ikiUIauxoE/WVukj9OYwII/AAAAAAAAOII/r1FnS0fNil4OB3lTzM4afnelPUsTXTMYQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1126.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="585" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ikiUIauxoE/WVukj9OYwII/AAAAAAAAOII/r1FnS0fNil4OB3lTzM4afnelPUsTXTMYQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1126.JPG" width="262" /></a>As a single Mom it's tough. (Especially in a case like mine where there is no ex in the picture.) You don't have help. It's all you. You give your child all your love and attention and meet their needs to raise a healthy happy human being. You also have to pay the bills, take care of the house, the car, buy the groceries, make the meals, carry the weight of the world on your shoulders etc. So when a towel rack comes off the wall (Michelle pulled on it for God knows what reason. Climbing I guess.) you have to figure out how to get it back in (I did eventually but it was a heck of a struggle! How you push a solid plastic rod between two end pieces when the rod is longer than the gap between the ends was like an impossible math problem but I just kept pushing until it magically snapped in. And nearly broke my arm! Luckily I'm stubborn.) When the pot lights burn out you have to figure out how to change them (I did that too by Googling it! And I was so proud of myself! LOL) You have to mow the lawn and pull the weeds (even when you're beyond exhausted with a bad shoulder and a bad back because there's no one else to do it and you can't let the house go to hell -- even though some people do, even dual parent households! Come on guys, if I can do it all my by lonesome in between working 16 hour days you can get off the couch & off your iphone for a second to mow your friggin lawn and pull the weeds so the dandelions don't go to seed and blow all over the neighbourhood!) I try to get most of my chores and errands done during the 6 hour window (which flies by in an instant!) when Michelle is in school because I hate to have to drag her along for things. It's boring enough for me never mind for a 4 year old. I scheduled an oil change because I would never want to drag Michelle on errands like that. I had to when she was a baby and it was sheer hell. </div>
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"Excuse me, Sir?" I begin.</div>
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No response. </div>
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"Excuse me..." a bit louder.</div>
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I manage to pierce his bubble this time. He looks at me like I have three heads. Everyone looks at me like I'm from outer space. And maybe I am but I've gotta be me!</div>
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"Uh...Could you possibly turn down the volume on your tablet? It's just a little loud." </div>
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He looks dumbfounded. "Oh. Sorry." </div>
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He does something with the tablet but apparently not the right thing because he then returns to his game and it's JUST AS LOUD. SWISH. SWISH. Now my eye is twitching. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-oOoBDQCK0/WVukj7qCSyI/AAAAAAAAOIM/qbVk3ez6IXg2lBa9xSqr20xfDj4zLBhRQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1128.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-oOoBDQCK0/WVukj7qCSyI/AAAAAAAAOIM/qbVk3ez6IXg2lBa9xSqr20xfDj4zLBhRQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_1128.JPG" width="240" /></a>"Umm. It's not... It's just as...Never mind." At this point I have to give up. SWISH. SWISH. SWISH. I want to kill this man. I'm thinking "What the hell?!" I can't sit here anymore. And why the hell does it take TWO HOURS to get a friggin oil change at the dealership when meanwhile I can go to the cheapo place and get an oil change in 10 minutes?! I literally CAN'T EVEN so I get up to walk around and escape the cacophony of swishing noises. There's nowhere to go so I head over to the sales part of the office where the cars are. Then the sales people come out of the woodwork to hound you because they think you're buying a car. So I explain "Oh. No. I'm not looking. I'm just killing time waiting for service and I couldn't sit in the waiting area because there was a guy making noises on his tablet and it's like nails on a chalkboard and I just couldn't take it." The sales person chuckles nervously and escorts me to a desk where I can sit in relative peace. I'm sure they're probably calling the police and ambulance to have me taken away as a mental patient. I sit there for a while and text my sister on my cell. Hip modern woman that I am. I can text! Finally I wander back to the waiting area and loud tablet guy is gone. Finally my car is ready. By now it's almost time to pick up Michelle so all the other errands I had to run aren't getting done today. What a swishing waste.</div>
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Michelle was thrilled when the seeds she planted in her little planter started to sprout. She was pretty good about watering it every day (I always did anyway even if she forgot.) It's a good experience for her to feel like she's growing something and it's pretty cool that she even built the planter all by herself. We also planted some seeds outside. I don't have a lot of money (read -- any!) for landscaping. So I try to get things that are cheap and cheerful. Seeds fit the bill and then Michelle gets to watch them grow. We planted a little garden in the backyard where there's a bare patch near the house. <br />
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And then one day, for some insane reason, I tried to book a dental appointment. Because apparently I'm a glutton for punishment and surgery hadn't been quite enough. Basically now that I had benefits I thought I might as well be using them. It had been quite a while since I'd gone to a dentist. I figured I should have one in town because I do so much driving I might as well save myself an hour's drive where I can. Plus it would be handy to go to the dentist while Michelle is in school. So I took a chance and went to a new office in my area (there was a flyer in the paper and they were 1 minute from my house. So convenient!) I sat and filled out a mountain of paperwork in the waiting room.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kvx69Xa3KRI/WVulr3DTE4I/AAAAAAAAOIk/zrYWSJxaN1QCcKyZV6XItA94V9ufAS1xQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7827.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1399" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kvx69Xa3KRI/WVulr3DTE4I/AAAAAAAAOIk/zrYWSJxaN1QCcKyZV6XItA94V9ufAS1xQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7827.JPG" width="279" /></a>The hygienist was a sweet, pretty East Indian girl. Unfortunately she inadvertently whacked me in the head with a machine... She led me into a room for a "360 X-ray" which I'd never heard of and frankly gave me the willlies. She started to lower the machine without warning me or asking me to move over and it bonked me in the head. After being whacked with a heavy metal machine I thought "I'm not off to the best start in this new office!" A bit startled but alive I was then lead to stand still while this creepy rotating machine spun around my head. I was pretty freaked out, unsure if I was going to be hit again. The girl seemed a little bit confused/inexperienced/disorganized but she was so kind and sweet that I almost forgave her. Then after all that the x-ray didn't even work. She asked if I wanted to do it again (?) I said oh hell no. So she just made do with the regular x-rays. Because I hadn't been to the dentist for several years (when I didn't have benefits. I don't like going to the dentist when it's free so I SURE wouldn't pay for it!) my teeth took a long time to clean. She had to book another appointment to get the rest of the scaling done. At least it wasn't so bad. She told me to raise my hand if the pain was too bad and I never had to raise my hand. Normally I'm a nervous wreck at the dentist but after going through the biopsy this was a cakewalk! She was a pleasant young woman and talked to me about her son's birthday party etc. The office seemed rather disorganized but I figured it was because they had just opened.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RFuzvbl7fX4/WVulpnraTCI/AAAAAAAAOIc/c4eqvWNkSjIdG4whj3eManDzBzr4t3sZgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7828.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RFuzvbl7fX4/WVulpnraTCI/AAAAAAAAOIc/c4eqvWNkSjIdG4whj3eManDzBzr4t3sZgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7828.JPG" width="240" /></a>Then the dentist came in. He was decidedly less than pleasant. He was a stern looking, insensitive Middle Eastern man with dark eyes and an inability to smile. I don't know if he said two words to me. He seemed a bit annoyed the 360 x-ray hadn't worked and assured me my insurance company wouldn't be charged for it. My first impression of him as not very nice turned out to be accurate. He was a monster. When he looked at my teeth, rather than gently asking me to turn my head to the left or right (as every other NORMAL dentist does) he forcibly pushed my face back and forth, up and down, poking at my cheeks like I was a cadaver or a doll. I was totally creeped out. I thought maybe I'm just being too sensitive but I ran the story by a couple of other people who said no that's really weird. I never wanted to see Dr. Insensitive Psycho again. Unfortunately I had an appointment booked for a couple of small fillings. Maybe I'd get lucky and it would be a different dentist. I called the office to ask. No it was going to be the same one. Yikes. No way Jose! I told them I never wanted to see him again and why. So they rescheduled the appointment with another dentist in the office. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LfyX9quMc3c/WVulxq7k-II/AAAAAAAAOIs/09x15M7MrKQbpgr3ltiVQWedz1jQYzKmQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7836.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1201" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LfyX9quMc3c/WVulxq7k-II/AAAAAAAAOIs/09x15M7MrKQbpgr3ltiVQWedz1jQYzKmQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7836.JPG" width="240" /></a>This time when I went in the office seemed even MORE disorganized and unprofessional if such a thing is possible. I was led to a room where the seat WASN'T EVEN CLEAN! Seriously. The germophobe in me was screaming. There were bits of white stuff on the seat (?!) I can't believe I didn't say anything but I was already borderline having a panic attack at the idea of the drill. Flashbacks of previous dentist trips and the biopsy flashing through my brain. I looked around the office. I couldn't believe there was a set of plastic drawers on the floor (the kind you get at Walmart). PLASTIC. Like they didn't even have PERMANENT FIXTURES to house their instruments?! They couldn't spring for proper drawers/cabinets? Just plastic drawers? It was all just a little bit makeshift and thrown together. How long had they been in business? A few months? Did they even know what they were doing?! And I was entrusting them to do things to my TEETH. To make matters worse, the dental assistant/hygienist (this time a blonde) was completely disorganized/bumbling. She kept walking back and forth from one room to another, asking other girls for things. She seemed lost/distracted/not all there. Then I could see her in the lunch room making her tea. It was weird. I've never been in an office where I could see them in their lunch room. Shouldn't that be closed off/private?! And wait, she didn't even wash her hands after handling the tea bag?! She finally came in and told me I'd be getting my fillings and then the cleaning. I asked if it wouldn't make more sense logically to do the cleaning BEFORE the fillings? She said she'd check. She left for a while. Then she came back and told me no this was how the appointments were booked and there was no changing them. Logic be damned. I was worried. I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel comfortable. I wanted to get up and run and never look back but I was supposed to get my fillings and I just wanted it over with and the office was so close to my house and I'd gone to the trouble to fill out all that paperwork... So I sat. And waited. Possibly for my doom. Or to catch something from the dirty seat, the tea-bag hands (I'm sure she wore gloves... hopefully?!) and God knows what.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-htuHaGGld7Q/WVuluj0zvVI/AAAAAAAAOIo/Gk3W27xeonsxeHMtcWzRujJo6btrdxnZgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7838.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1257" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-htuHaGGld7Q/WVuluj0zvVI/AAAAAAAAOIo/Gk3W27xeonsxeHMtcWzRujJo6btrdxnZgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7838.JPG" width="251" /></a>The dentist this time was Spanish and seemed friendly enough, a human being at least -- he smiled. But then he and the dental assistant started bickering RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME (?!) and I was sort of freaking out. They were arguing about an appointment or something and I just kept thinking this is so inappropriate and I wasn't in love with the prospect of two people who were angry with each other being inside my mouth and drilling into my teeth! At one point she just muttered whatever and then the dentist apologized to me for their behaviour. I said sarcastically "Oh, that's OK... It's all just ADDING TO MY ANXIETY!" Going to the dentist isn't my favourite at the best of times. This was the worst of times. He asked if I wanted freezing or not. I deferred to his expertise (though why I still trusted him I'm not entirely sure.) I said if the needle for the freezing would actually be more painful than the drilling then let's forgo it! My goal was to experience the least pain possible. He said he thought I should be all right without freezing. Not getting a needle sounded great to me. He didn't have to drill too deep. Again I was to raise my hand if it became too painful. Thankfully I didn't have to raise my hand. My tooth felt REALLY REALLY COLD at one point and it was bordering on painful but then it stopped and he said he was done. I thought he was just done the one tooth but they were both done. I was pleasantly surprised. Yay! I survived getting a filling (two actually!) Even in a bumblingly incompetent crazy dental office with an arguing dentist and absent-minded assistant and plastic drawers and dirty seats! Now I just had my cleaning with the nice East Indian lady in another (somewhat less disturbing) room. I just wouldn't let her do a 360 X-ray head bonk this time. I lived through the scaling. Again, no hand raising. She gave me a bit of a lecture (though pleasantly) on the importance of flossing and dental appointments. My teeth were clean and I got to hear about her son's birthday party and to talk about Michelle and how she turns 5 in the Summer. I liked her. She was the one nice thing about the office. Even if she was a bit clumsy too. And maybe it was my fault for being under the machine when she lowered it? (No. She should have warned me. I had no idea what to do. I was the one who was new to this. She was supposed to know what she was doing.) </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-90GniJE7rkA/WVunGWl53_I/AAAAAAAAOI0/gD2g6-x5JdsgQRCv52qqdDhDsMxaxet5QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7842.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-90GniJE7rkA/WVunGWl53_I/AAAAAAAAOI0/gD2g6-x5JdsgQRCv52qqdDhDsMxaxet5QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7842.JPG" width="320" /></a>They talked me into booking an appointment for another cleaning a couple of months away because my insurance covered it. The more time I had to think about it however (and to tell people about it) I realized I should NEVER return to that office. Like ever. I'd rather drive an hour if I have to to go to an office that is clean, professional, friendly and I feel safe. Besides, I would have to take Michelle to the dentist at some point and there was NO WAY ON EARTH I would take her to these jokers! So I called to cancel my cleaning appointment.<br />
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"Ok. When would you like to reschedule...?" the secretary asked, obliviously. (After all how could she know what I had been through? Well she knew I didn't like Dr. Psycho pushy face but not my latest encounter.)</div>
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"Umm. Never actually. I'm not coming back to your office."</div>
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I would have let it go at that but she pressed me.<br />
"There were just a lot of RED FLAGS," I offered, dismissively.<br />
She had to know. So when she asked "Like what?" I let the floodgates open.<br />
"Ok. If you really want to know..."<br />
She listened to my tirade and then I could hear her bristling. I had offended her office. She was very defensive and had an explanation of sorts for everything -- the dental assistant was pregnant and distracted, the plastic drawers were for root canal tools to be moved to different rooms and this and that. I think I even forgot to mention the dirty seat. Dang. I wonder what excuse she would have had for that? The bumbling prego assistant? I told her it didn't matter anyway. There was literally nothing on earth she could possibly say that would lead to me setting foot in that gong show of a dental office EVER AGAIN. </div>
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"How long have you been in business anyway? A couple of months?" I asked.</div>
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"7 years," she said.</div>
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"Yikes." Somehow that made everything even worse. You've been in business almost a decade and you're a trainwreck? Wow. I wondered idly if others had suffered the same fate as I had (or worse.)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fL5iDZaWUhM/WVunA3qi0TI/AAAAAAAAOIw/lohsEQjx5_4Q3ZJTg8gcKzGP8wExy71_wCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7850.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fL5iDZaWUhM/WVunA3qi0TI/AAAAAAAAOIw/lohsEQjx5_4Q3ZJTg8gcKzGP8wExy71_wCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7850.JPG" width="320" /></a>I looked online out of curiosity and saw that some poor soul with botched dental work had given them a scathing review. So it wasn't just me. Lesson learned. At least I survived relatively unscathed. But no more fly by night local offices from flyers in the newspaper for me.<br />
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At least it was an adventure and I got some laughs out of it telling May my whole sordid tale. It's almost worth going through bad experiences when you get an amusing anecdote out of it... As May and I used to say when we went through a bad experience "See a few things, LEARN a few things..."</div>
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Yes we made yet another trip to the Butterfly Conservatory because we both love it and it's our happy place.<br />
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This time Michelle got up close and personal with something other than butterflies. Yes, Michelle is far more brave than I am. Clearly. She was willing to touch this massive and utterly terrifying leaf bug or whatever the devil it was. I wasn't going near the thing. I stood at a distance and zoomed in to take a photo. The way it moved with it's creepy legs was nothing short of sinister. I was certain he would kill us all. I imagined being under a tree and having a leaf suddenly start moving and I literally couldn't even.<br />
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It was somewhat crowded but we managed to circumvent the crowd long enough to snap a photo (or two) of the two of us in a corner. Because as you know, I'm a photoholic and I like having the self timer to show that I was actually there too! I'm not just a disembodied photographer behind the lens all the time! I am sharing these adventures with Michelle!<br />
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Yes it's an obsession/addiction but compared to some addictions/obsessions I think I could do a lot worse! Besides, being a photoholic is almost in vogue now! Everyone's doing it!<br />
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Michelle and I with butterfly. The only way it could have been better would be if Michelle had been smiling, but hey, you can't have everything! I'll take what I can get!<br />
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This must have been a newborn (recently hatched) butterfly because he didn't seem to fly very much. We put him on an orange slice to eat afterward. I didn't want him to be stepped on or picked up by some careless/rough kid. I'm protective of the butterflies. I don't like to see kids handling them roughly, grabbing at them. It stresses me out.<br />
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You're not supposed to touch the butterflies at all actually. Michelle is always very gentle and careful with them. She knows to never touch their wings and to just let them sit on her finger/arm.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tdUBvMASbMQ/WVuo2p-I6fI/AAAAAAAAOKw/SEdJxTgG23gDLy-iu9MIVXGarIT1MZs5QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7937.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1155" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tdUBvMASbMQ/WVuo2p-I6fI/AAAAAAAAOKw/SEdJxTgG23gDLy-iu9MIVXGarIT1MZs5QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7937.JPG" width="231" /></a>Don't worry, BEE happy! They didn't have a butterfly one and Michelle asked for this bee balloon. Then she posed in front of the honeycomb full of bees. I love bees. And we need them. The declining bee population worries me. Two thirds of the food crops we eat require bees/pollination. I remember hearing the terrifying quote "If the bee disappers, mankind has four years." Because with no bees at all eventually we wouldn't have plants. We wouldn't have food. We would die. Problems like habitat loss, pesticides, disease and climate change are destroying bees and it could have devastating consequences for us as well. We are all in this together. We need to protect the planet and the creatures in it since we depend on them.<br />
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I've never killed a bee. Let them BEE!<br />
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We walked through the museum area afterward and Michelle had a ball playing with a little girl she met. They wanted to keep playing for the rest of the day but her Mom had to go and we had a bit of a drive back home as well. I love that Michelle makes friends so easily everywhere we go (completely the opposite of me!) She's very outgoing and friendly and will talk to anyone (also the opposite of me!) Sometimes I worry that she's too friendly, especially with older adults -- complete strangers. She knows she's safe when I'm there but even so I don't always feel comfortable with her making conversation with strangers. I want to teach her to be cautious. I grew up with a very fearful mother. I don't want to be that sheltering but I want Michelle to have some boundaries anyway and to stay safe.<br />
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A parting selfie with a butterfly, the Idea Leuconoe, the large tree nymph (also known as paper kite or rice paper.) They are silvery white with black spots and come from Southeast Asia, Northern Australia and Southern Taiwan. I still find it amazing that we get to enjoy these beautiful creatures in a tropical jungle here in Ontario.<br />
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These tree nymphs seem to be the friendliest/most accessible of the butterflies in the conservatory. Or at least they're the ones that land on us the most often and don't immediately fly away. We're always grateful when they stop and spend some time with us!<br />
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This is a harder shot to get without being photobombed. The walkways are really never clear and especially when you have to set the timer and count.<br />
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At least no one walked directly into the shot. I love Michelle's pose here with her hand on her hip. My Mom says Michelle will be a handful as a teenager. She's already got a bit of the teenage attitude! I'm sure when she's a teenager though she won't even go with me to excursions like this, much less be willing to pose with Mama for photos. She would probably be too embarrassed. Or maybe she will stay close to me and be my best friend as she gets older? I can hope! In any event I have to cherish this time that I have with her while she still thinks hanging out with Mama is fun!<br />
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We found this Egyptian mummy in one of the museum rooms at the conservatory. I wasn't entirely sure what mummies had to do with Butterflies (I didn't bother to read the write-up next to the display case) but Mother's Day was coming up so maybe it was a Mummies for Mommies display? We got a selfie with it anyway. It was just a replica of an actual mummy sarcophagus from Egypt.<br />
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I've always been fascinated by Egyptians and their beautiful art/sculpture/jewelry/architecture/hieroglyphics. These were people that really appreciated beauty. Plus they worshiped cats so I can completely relate to them! Their obsession with death was a tad morbid but at least they got to die in style! Beautiful mummies encased in gold and housed in a pyramid! (Mind you I think that was just for royalty...)<br />
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Michelle loves to draw. It has to be her idea though. If you ask her to draw or colour something she'll protest. If you pester her long enough she'll grudgingly do it but make a halfhearted effort -- stick figures scribbled and not coloured in.<br />
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If it's her own idea however she will draw and colour an entire page until her hand is sore. This adorable picture was her idea and I love it! A panda, a parrot, a cat, a bunny and a mouse. I'm not sure what inspired her to suddenly draw this menagerie but I'm grateful. Her artwork always makes me smile. I try to keep all of it. I still have to organize it in files. I'm several months (a year?) behind on labeling and filing things. It's one of the many projects on my someday "to do" list that never gets done...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-55lUgW8NJgc/WWMJZ-Pu__I/AAAAAAAAONc/ERIRM8ekidoeZaCf1Fib1uaKBhFwubKFACLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN7960.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1385" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-55lUgW8NJgc/WWMJZ-Pu__I/AAAAAAAAONc/ERIRM8ekidoeZaCf1Fib1uaKBhFwubKFACLcBGAs/s320/DSCN7960.JPG" width="276" /></a>Now that I'm a Mom, Mother's Day is even more meaningful for me. I'm grateful to have a girl who loves and appreciates me and is ALWAYS expressing it with hugs, kisses, words, cards, pictures. I have never felt so loved. And as my sister tried to tell me, it is the greatest love, nothing else compares.<br />
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I was happy that Michelle made me a Mother's Day card without any coaxing but then she makes me "I love you cards" all the time for no occasion. <br />
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I also never have to coax Michelle to dress up. She LOVES wearing dresses. She's always happy to have an excuse to get dolled up. After we were dressed I couldn't resist getting a few photos of us...</div>
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One last photo (or two) before heading off to my Mom's and my sister's place for a Mother's Day celebration. I was hoping to get Ali in the photo as well (she sometimes joins us on the stairs for a pic) but she wasn't having it.<br />
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Michelle picked out her turquoise dress and hairband to match. I can't remember where I found this navy dress (it was either Walmart or Giant Tiger) but it was a great deal and very comfortable. I love wearing dresses in the Summer. It's just so easy and comfortable. It's almost like wearing a nightgown all day. Might as well! Technically it was still Spring (Summer doesn't officially start until June) but the weather was warm and it felt like Summer! Good enough for me!<br />
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The obligatory group photo at May's place. My brothers had plans and couldn't make it for Mother's Day so they gave my Mom her gift ahead of time.<br />
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Michelle had learned a little Mother's Day song in school: "Moms are special. Moms are nice..." She sang it for me. She was going to sing it for the whole group at my sister's but she got stage fright and only wanted to perform it for me. I recorded a video of her singing it so I could show everyone. I put it on Youtube. Here's the video below:<br />
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Mother's Day video of Michelle singing "Moms are special."<br />
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It was a beautiful day so we ventured outside for a while and got a group picture in the sunlight. I should have been a little more cognizant of having people lined up by height. You can barely see my dad's poor little head peeking out between my Mom and Shannon from the back row. At least everyone is actually looking at the camera, so there's that. I look like I'm in the middle of saying something but I may have just been doing the countdown (I always have to set the timer and run counting down from 10. I usually make it but sometimes I count too fast/slow.)<br />
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We got a couple of silly snaps on Shannon's i-phone with the fancy filters. My Mom wanted flowers in her hair. May and I had to take turns since it only allows two flowers girls at one time. Why my Mom insisted on having this overly serious face I'm not sure. Something about "smiling causing wrinkles." I still think wrinkles from smiling are preferable to, say, looking like a serial killer posing for a mugshot...but that's just me!<br />
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I always wind up laughing at May's place. It's one of my favourite places to be. It's always a treat to be there. I was grateful that May agreed to host Mother's Day and even offered to host my birthday at her place. My Mom's place is much more crowded. Of course Michelle always loves going to Auntie May's as well. It's the best!<br />
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It was a beautiful Summery day and Michelle wanted to go to the park after school. I'm always happy to watch her play and I figure the more exercise she gets running around outside the more likely she is to sleep well at night.<br />
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I love this picture of Michelle on the swing. She's so happy. It never gets old -- the joy of swinging, touching the sky. "I'm FLYING MAMA!" She loves it. Especially now that she can swing on her own like a big girl. She always wants a push from me to get her started. The tough part is when she wants off the swing because she's not quite big enough to get down herself and when I go to stop her, lift her off sometimes she jumps and pulls on me, putting a strain on my back. Lately I've had to be more careful because I keep aggravating old back/shoulder injuries, mostly by lifting Michelle. I still carry her in when she falls asleep in the car and I sometimes get talked into giving her piggyback rides. I'll think I'm OK and all of a sudden "AAAACK! My BACK!"<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oAKRBEpvlr4/WWMNFCHXMgI/AAAAAAAAORA/fyOOzaaXZ6gSCvjRVI74DawQ5hfMQO4wgCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8118.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1331" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oAKRBEpvlr4/WWMNFCHXMgI/AAAAAAAAORA/fyOOzaaXZ6gSCvjRVI74DawQ5hfMQO4wgCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8118.JPG" width="266" /></a>Yes, I'm getting old! At my age, birthdays aren't exactly a welcome thing. (Though I don't want them to stop! LOL) I can't actually believe how old I am. I'm so old that I actually forgot how old I am! (Yes. I'm losing my mind a little. My short term memory is shot. Information overload I guess. Too many years of taking in random facts. My hard drive is full. Now I'm losing stuff. Short term memories are first to go. I forget things so easily.)<br />
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One good thing about birthdays is getting to spend time with family. I was extremely grateful that May offered to host my birthday party at her house.<br />
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Michelle and I got dressed up and got a few photos at home before heading out. Her panda had to get in the picture of course. She goes through phases with her stuffies. Panda was Number #1 during May and she had to take him EVERYWHERE. To school, in the car, to Grandma's etc. I drew the line at letting her take him into stores with us. Even if it was a store that didn't carry pandas.</div>
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I'm glad that Michelle is a girly girl. It's fun sharing girly things with her, like going shopping and trying on dresses (one of my personal faves!) I don't have to twist her arm to try things on. She LOVES it. She was even happy to pose for pictures. I wound up getting a couple of things for myself and a few dresses for her.<br />
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Michelle has a LOT of dresses. I can't help it. I love dressing her up. I was buying her dresses before she was even born! As soon as I found out I was going to be having a girl I bought her a frilly dress to celebrate! You can see it in the post "It's a girl!" from 2012 when I went for an ultrasound and got the good news. One of the best days of my life. Don't get me wrong. I would have loved a boy too but it would have been different. There would have been a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to share with him. Trying on dresses is one of them!<br />
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My brothers missed Mother's Day and couldn't make it to my birthday either but I'd be seeing them at my place for May's birthday and they'd be bringing my gifts then. The reality is most families don't get together half as much as we do. Most people think we're nuts when they hear how we get together for every occasion. Some only see their extended family once a year, if that. We tend to be the exception rather than the rule. I'm grateful to have a close knit family. These days I don't have a social life to speak of so my family is basically it! My sister is my best friend and I'm always happy to spend time with her. My family and Michelle especially are the greatest gift and I'm so lucky to have them!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Mhh5Q1Jc9d0/WWMO3EJo0JI/AAAAAAAAOS4/8RFPc2UMKW0DBkSiLiUeahlu8zHWpYJ4wCLcBGAs/s1600/big%2Bears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="797" data-original-width="605" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Mhh5Q1Jc9d0/WWMO3EJo0JI/AAAAAAAAOS4/8RFPc2UMKW0DBkSiLiUeahlu8zHWpYJ4wCLcBGAs/s320/big%2Bears.jpg" width="242" /></a>I love taking silly snaps with Shannon's i-phone. I wanted us both to be mice (at least I think it's a mouse!) but it was only allowing one at a time. Some filters only allow one participant, others two. I guess it's hard for the phone/camera to register more than that. I like the filters that give you cute animal faces/funny faces. I'm not a big fan of the ones that give you horrifying monster faces (beady little eyes and misshapen heads and whatnot. I try not to post those ones! They haunt my dreams!) Shannon emails me the pics afterward so that I can save them. After Mother's Day I could no longer take photos with my i-phone. I got the white screen of death one day and looked online to discover Apple did an upgrade to deliberately render old i-phones (like my hand-me-down i-phone 4 obsolete. Those buggers!) I refuse to buy a new one so I'm just using my phone for emergencies now -- I got rid of the white screen and I can still call/text. Just no more photos or Instagram for me... Until/unless someone gives me their old i-phone 5! LOL (I'm sort of kidding.)</div>
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I love Michelle as a mouse! It suits her. The big eyes, the ears, the cute little nose! She loved being a mouse too. She wanted to see the photos on Shannon's camera. If she had her way she'd have taken 100 selfies with all the different filters. I can't imagine when she finally has a cellphone of her own! (It will be quite a while since as I've mentioned, even Mama is behind on technology. If I won't purchase a new cell for myself I sure as Hell am not buying one for my 4 year old!) I think kids are exposed to technology too young and get addicted to their gadgets. There's a real world out there to explore. I'd rather she draw on old school paper and use her imagination playing outside in the real world than being hooked on video games on a little device. Still, I'm a photoholic myself so I TOTALLY get the whole selfie thing. Lately there has been a disturbing trend in the news where more people are getting injured/killed taking dangerous selfies. Come on people! I appreciate a good photo op more than just about anyone but it's NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE! Step away from the cliff edge (though having said this I got a photo of myself sitting on the edge of the cliff at Rattlesnake Point back in the day! I was somewhat more reckless back then...And that was before it was even in vogue! I also got a selfie with a tiger and a moose with her baby so I'm a bit of a hypocrite here!)<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pUfLSu77QEY/WWMO3mT7PRI/AAAAAAAAOTE/4oJZdPKVlmwVwCd_kxVsIEgvhegFSK0XACLcBGAs/s1600/pink%2Bflowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="816" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pUfLSu77QEY/WWMO3mT7PRI/AAAAAAAAOTE/4oJZdPKVlmwVwCd_kxVsIEgvhegFSK0XACLcBGAs/s320/pink%2Bflowers.jpg" width="250" /></a>And then there is the glowing flower/angel/fairy filter... This time Michelle and I both got to take part. I love her face here, like a porcelain doll! She is my angel for the most part. I couldn't ask for a sweeter more loving girl. Of course she's a ginger, like Mama so she has her moods as well. It's a trade off though. I love that she's passionate and animated and over the top. She's happy most of the time and it's wonderful to behold. The rare times she freaks out (usually when she's over-tired and cranky, frustrated/overwhelmed) are tolerable considering she's a joy most of the time. And I'd rather have a child who wears her heart on her sleeve and feels deeply than an inanimate zombie kid with no reaction to anything (I've seen kids like that. No life, no enthusiasm. I blame the gadgets. They are raising a generation of zombies but I will take my old school lively child with the wild imagination who loves to shout and sing and dance around and has more to say than "What's your wi-fi password?")<br />
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People of Walmart (if you haven't had the pleasure, Google it and see what comes up. There's a whole website and quite a few gems!) always made me laugh hysterically. Of course I love Walmart but I'm hoping I never wind up on that website as one of the questionably dressed. I love Walmart but you just never know who (or what?) you may run into there... One day, for no apparent reason, Cookie Monster was there. So of course I made Michelle pose with him for a picture (or two!) He's wearing a tag so I guess he's an employee? Maybe in the bakery section? COOKIE!<br />
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Michelle hadn't seen Sesame Street in a while (it's only on in the wee hours of the morning and we usually don't make it to the TV at that time) but you never forget Cookie Monster! I was expecting there to be some kind of display, a plate of cookies, a new Sesame Street book or something to explain the presence of a giant blue monster but it just seemed to be a random presence on an ordinary day. I'm always happy for a photo op whatever the reason!<br />
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Sometimes I think Michelle is happy it's a rainy day so she has a good excuse to go to the indoor playground (when it's a nice day I tell her we can just go to the park.) In the winter the indoor playground was one of her favourite places. She loves running amok there. Sometimes she's up and down on the slides, other times she prefers to swing on the rope. She also enjoys playing table hockey with whoever will play with her (random kids who come by or me, failing that.) She gets so excited when she scores a goal but she kind of rubs it in. I didn't even realize it was a motorized table until a stranger came by and turned a switch on under the table that made the table vibrate slightly. That made it easier to get the puck (when the table isn't on the puck sometimes gets stuck in the middle of the table and you have to lean over to reach it.)<br />
"Thank you!" I told the guy "I didn't even know there was a switch to turn it on!"<br />
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And I always try to get in at least one shot even though it's always a challenge to set up the self-timer in a crowded place without getting photobombed by the many kids running by! I got lucky and it snapped just before a kid ran right in front of the camera blocking us. Timing is everything. For some reason Michelle always jumps up and clings to me (like a monkey!) at the last moment as the camera snaps, almost knocking me over. It's murder on my back as well having 48 lbs hanging off my neck unexpectedly all of a sudden. I've told her not to do it but she seems to forget every time. I guess it's my own fault for asking her to pose for the photo. She sometimes jumps up on my parents and I've told Michelle never to do that because Grandma and Grandpa are older, more fragile and she might BREAK THEM! She's just so full of energy she forgets sometimes that we're older and not quite as limber as she is.<br />
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It's hard to get a shot of Michelle coming out of the tunnel slide. She either gets stuck in a line up of kids and takes forever and I wind up snapping a picture of the wrong kid. Or I'm too late on the draw and just miss her. Once in a while I get lucky and catch her just in time and she almost has a smile on her face. The slides used to be her favourite thing but now she mostly plays on the ropes, with table hockey or the other games on the back wall that she took no notice of before. I just enjoy watching her play. I'm not a fan of when she's in the upper level and I can't see her. I get that moment of panic/sick feeling in my gut when I can't see her. Of course she's safe but I'm a worrier/hoverer so it's hard to let go. I almost wish I could be blase like other parents who spend the whole time on their phones and never even look up to check on their kids. Almost.<br />
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I started doing yoga again. I was afraid to try any other exercise because I seemed to hurt my back when I attempted weight lifting or cardio. Yoga is pretty soothing and if anything it helps my back. Michelle joined me one day, doing the poses with me. She said they do yoga in school too which I thought was great. Afterward I saw her making a little book. I laughed my head off when I saw "Mama and Michelle's Yoga Book: The Yoga it is a dance." It was so cute. I wasn't sure if that was something she came up with on her own or something she'd heard. Her drawings were adorable too. I laughed at Michelle attempting some of the positions. Sometimes I laughed so much I lost my balance. I told her not to attempt the headstand. It took me a year to get my strength/balance in order to do it and I don't want her hurting herself. I think it's good for her to try yoga though and I'm glad that her school encourages it. They do meditation as well.<br />
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Sometimes I'm having a bad day and I'm beyond exhausted and I don't know how I'll get through but then Michelle gives me a card that says "I love you Mama! You are the best!" and it's all worth it. I love that she's a little heart and I'm a big heart with teeth and everything! Her artwork makes me so happy! She's always hugging and kissing and telling me she loves me too. I'm glad she's so affectionate. I am too. I know that some people aren't demonstrative with their kids. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't imagine being any other way!<br />
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I've been working a lot more this year which means Michelle is at my Mom's place a lot more. She loves running around and playing in Grandma's big backyard. I don't like leaving Michelle but I'm glad when I can at least spend a little time with her in the backyard before I have to go in to work (or after I get home if I'm on dayshift.) In the nice weather we like to sit on the garden swing and relax for a bit (or my Mom and I do anyway. Michelle prefers running amok or putting on a show for us. "Welcome to the Michelle show!" which involves her doing acrobatic moves, singing and shouting at the top of her lungs.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CFOWGBbcjB0/WWMSfeGzCYI/AAAAAAAAOVs/83d5DzdUzI0rjcK1IM1oj23W378aFcdGwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8288.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1224" data-original-width="1600" height="243" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CFOWGBbcjB0/WWMSfeGzCYI/AAAAAAAAOVs/83d5DzdUzI0rjcK1IM1oj23W378aFcdGwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8288.JPG" width="320" /></a>I'm so grateful for my happy girl. I was pleased that even her teacher said Michelle is such a bright, happy girl, whatever stress and difficulty I may be experiencing with my crazy schedule (and lack of sleep) at least it's not affecting her. Michelle loves being home with Mama but she also enjoys her second home at Grandma and Grandpa's. Life is crazy for me with all the commuting I do back and forth for several hours a day on top of the 12 hour shift (sometimes I wonder how I survive!) but it's just a fun adventure for Michelle who is along for the ride and just rolls with it wherever she may be. I try to put on a brave face for the most part and not let her know the toll it's taking on me. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r0mqCtTU0zs/WWMTpcytMTI/AAAAAAAAOV8/7zkH6et9OIEsUNLLOUs3fTb6Jwz7vmalwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8291.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1401" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r0mqCtTU0zs/WWMTpcytMTI/AAAAAAAAOV8/7zkH6et9OIEsUNLLOUs3fTb6Jwz7vmalwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8291.JPG" width="280" /></a>May was a busy month for events as well! Next thing we knew it was May's birthday. I agreed to host it at my place for a change because it was the least I could do when she has almost everything at her place! It's nice to have company at my house once in a while. It was quite a challenge getting the house clean and tidy though. When I'm not entertaining I don't always worry about the house being "presentable." It was a Herculean task getting it presentable for the party! I love when the house is clean and tidy and everything is in its place but it's a lot of work getting it that way and I wish I could just twitch my nose and it would be done. It's also an uphill battle to keep it tidy since every time Michelle plays she leaves a trail of toys in her wake. I try to explain to her that she needs to pick up after herself and not create more work for Mama (who is already worked to death without help!)</div>
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Michelle picked out this sparkly gold sequined and peach flower dress and the matching head band. She also came with me to pick out balloons for the party. May asked Michelle if the rainbow unicorn made her think of Auntie May. Michelle responded with stunned silence (the truth was she just wanted the unicorn for herself. I was pretty sure May would let her keep it!) I picked out some flower balloons as well. I was hoping for one that said "May" on it but I guess that was too much to hope for. I was glad to find flowers at least...<br />
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A group shot before all of the guests had arrived. I wasn't sure that everyone would actually fit in my tiny kitchen/dining room.<br />
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Thankfully it was a beautiful day so we could all congregate in the backyard where there's a lot more room (which is what we did once my brothers and their entourage arrived...) We are a very big gang when everyone is there! A lot of people to fit in my little house!<br />
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I got a couple of extra lawn chairs trying to have a place for everyone to sit. I didn't get to sit very much between getting snacks and drinks for everyone and getting things ready for dinner. At least I didn't have to cook (I usually order in!) Chris offered to BBQ so I got burgers and hot dogs to put on the barbecue (Chris brought his own small portable one.) I love BBQ food in the Summer! It's my fave. I'm a little nervous of using a BBQ myself so I don't have one but I was grateful to Chris for bringing his and making dinner for us!<br />
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Michelle and her panda having a ball at the party. Yes she had her stuffed panda bear with her outside. She only put him down occasionally to play catch. Michelle loves having the whole family around. She was all smiles and giggles. I love this picture of her grinning ear to ear.<br />
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I made sure to cover her in sunscreen so my little ginger girl wouldn't burn being outside for hours. And I always make her wear sunglasses. I'm always surprised when I drop off and pick up Michelle from school that most people (like 95%) don't put sunglasses on their kids, even though the parents are wearing sunglasses themselves. Don't they know it's important to protect their kids' eyes?! I'm just more anal than the average bear but then I was the ginger kid who was left outside to rot and got severe blistering sunburns... (Mom plays it off like they hadn't INVENTED sunscreen yet. Sure, Mom. Still they invented SHADE!) I tend to be on the overly cautious side so she doesn't suffer the same fate.<br />
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When the kids were playing downstairs for a long time I was almost afraid to check on them and see what they were up to. I had visions of toys all pulled off the shelves and all over the floor and just sheer anarchy. I was pleasantly surprised to find most things undisturbed though they were sitting on beach toys for some inexplicable reason. They wanted to watch the movie "Trolls." Kayla and Evie hadn't seen it yet. Reggie saw it at school but missed the end of it and Michelle loves it and will watch it over and over. I pretty much pick up every new animated film when they come out because that's basically all we watch. Trolls became her new favourite in May and she watched it a million times!<br />
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Somehow we did manage to fit all of us in the dining room for a group shot with the cake but it wasn't easy! I ran in at the last minute, as always. At least most of us are looking and/or smiling (Evie is lying on the table for some reason and Kayla and James are preoccupied/looking away but hey you can't have everything.) At least my dad isn't hidden in the background but he always looks somewhat bewildered when the camera clicks. My dad DOES smile. But unfortunately NOT for the camera.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h4FoPB7Inqs/WTGASSabLeI/AAAAAAAAOE8/cRtbAr26x3s0clr_cl7AhX-lX7eFipCVwCLcB/s1600/DSCN7778.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1317" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h4FoPB7Inqs/WTGASSabLeI/AAAAAAAAOE8/cRtbAr26x3s0clr_cl7AhX-lX7eFipCVwCLcB/s320/DSCN7778.JPG" width="262" /></a>When there's a new kids' movie playing, especially Disney, we're usually there. We went to see "Born in China." I worried because it was a documentary that it may not be able to hold Michelle's interest but the animals were so adorable and funny that she loved it as much as I did. It was incredible to be drawn into their world, especially on the big screen and in 3D. It was heartbreaking at one point (one of the mother animals doesn't make it...Always the mother that bites it in Disney isn't it?!) The cinematography was breathtaking. It was a nice change from the usual animated films we go to. It was hard to stifle my tears though. It was pretty emotional. I hate falling apart in public. If I'm at home I just let loose and wail but in the theatre I try to be subtle about it. It was a beautiful film and a good reminder for us. Nature is so fragile and beautiful. We have to protect it. We are all in this world together. It isn't only the animals that are in danger if we don't keep climate change in check. We're all in this planet together and depend on each other for survival. </div>
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When I find matching shirts on sale (in Michelle's size and mine -- it isn't often!) I have to buy them because I'm a total nerd and I love dressing Michelle and I in matching outfits! One day at Justice I found matching shirts that said "Be kind" on them so I got them but I didn't stop to think what I was getting myself into. Because this wasn't just fashion, it seemed like a mandate: Be kind. Like I would have to be on my best behaviour while sporting such a shirt. Of course I SHOULD always be kind. I'm supposed to be a Christian. If I'm being honest though, when I'm exhausted (so, 99% of the time!) my patience wears a little thin and I'm no Florence Nightingale. (Then again, who is? Not too many people I encounter!) The reality is, more often than not, I'm reactionary -- I treat others as they treat me -- so kindness is tendered in kindness and rudeness, well I can be abrupt and sarcastic too! And i must confess when I'm tired AND PMS-ing I can get pretty dang irritable. Of course as a Christian you're supposed to "love your enemies, pray for your persecutors" "turn the other cheek." Yeah, that doesn't fly when I'm having a bad day.<br />
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I think the shirts were inspired by the live action Cinderella where "Have Courage and Be Kind," was the catchphrase/advice her mother gave her before she passed away. It's a beautiful motto Cinderella admirably lives by showing superhuman patience and kindness to her cruel selfish stepmother and stepsisters. Eventually, she gets her happy ending and gets to be a Princess and live the life she deserves but her life seemed pretty bleak up until then. It wasn't bad enough the poor girl loses both her parents but then she gets bullied by her idiot stepfamily! It was amazing that Cinderella could remain kind to those who were so mean to her (mind you it is a fairytale!) So you could say Cinderella was an example of a REALLY good Christian. A saint really. Unbelievably kind and always turning the other cheek. I'm not quite there. Not by a long shot. I probably would have told the stepsisters & stepmom to go F%^$ themselves and get their lazy, ugly butts out of my parents' house...But that's just me. Hey, even Jesus lost his temper once (when sleazy salesmen were turning his father's house into a "den of thieves.") I wonder if Jesus would have lost his temper in traffic... Jesus take the wheel...<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JMXqbM4Y3iM/WVujeT6x7zI/AAAAAAAAOHs/7iuO_kksTw4_bBH_7RbVxcbNoss_B6MWwCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8389.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1241" data-original-width="1600" height="248" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JMXqbM4Y3iM/WVujeT6x7zI/AAAAAAAAOHs/7iuO_kksTw4_bBH_7RbVxcbNoss_B6MWwCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8389.JPG" width="320" /></a>Be kind: a simple philosophy but it can be difficult to execute, especially when you're a perfectionist and no one is perfect. It's tough being a control freak when there are so many things beyond your control -- life, the weather, other people etc. Other people are the trickiest. As much as I might like it if everyone followed my rules/script, they seldom do. More often than not they do the opposite to what I'd like. I'm not generally a patient person. I can admit that. And when I have to commute four hours a day my already limited patience is more than tested. Yes. Driving is probably the worst. The "Be kind" t-shirt held me accountable for one day at least. I felt the need to live up to the message. I couldn't very well be yelling obscenities at other drivers and flipping the bird while wearing a shirt that said "Be kind," could I? What if they saw my shirt and called me on it? (Yes one of my rules is that if your shirt has a statement on it, it should be one that you live by! Otherwise you're just living a lie. That's bad fashion and bad karma!) If I was being honest I should usually be wearing a shirt sporting Grumpy Cat or Happy Bunny. But for now it was "Be Kind" day. So I made an effort to be nice, to be patient, to let things go. I managed to catch myself before launching into my angry driver tirades...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f2JiXg3NSNw/WVujf0n3h6I/AAAAAAAAOHw/Jlkhhhyz238fRpgaeGC_vzbFppmtq1W0QCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8394.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1241" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f2JiXg3NSNw/WVujf0n3h6I/AAAAAAAAOHw/Jlkhhhyz238fRpgaeGC_vzbFppmtq1W0QCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8394.JPG" width="248" /></a>Somehow the car is the most difficult place to be kind. Even a priest admitted in his homily once that he starts to lose a little patience when he gets behind the wheel. He joked that we sit in church talking about loving one another then we go out to the parking lot and it's every man for himself. (In fairness it is notoriously difficult getting out of a crowded church parking lot after mass!) We all get frustrated to some degree. There's something about driving that changes us. It's primal. It's like a survival mechanism. You enter this moving metal compartment and navigate your way through all the other people in all the other vehicles and you become territorial. You become hyper-sensitive to threats. You become unkind. For me, I get angry with anyone who is doing the wrong thing -- going too fast or too slow, not looking, not signaling, not moving right to let faster traffic pass, etc. And sadly bad drivers seem to be the RULE rather than the exception. It's gotten to the point where I'm shocked and pleasantly surprised when someone actually does the RIGHT thing! In those rare moments I do express gratitude and wish them well. (I always give a thank you wave if they let me in. Sometimes I even blow a kiss!) But everyone else is just a jerk. </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zWY_nX7T7NQ/WVujnf5QsMI/AAAAAAAAOH8/XFsEbRgDAoooBzrQpZzuD9wvyE5mtzFuACLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN8403.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zWY_nX7T7NQ/WVujnf5QsMI/AAAAAAAAOH8/XFsEbRgDAoooBzrQpZzuD9wvyE5mtzFuACLcBGAs/s320/RSCN8403.JPG" width="320" /></a>These days it seems that just about everyone is in a hurry/distracted/in their own world/discourteous etc. When I'm solo in my car I'll drop the F bombs, call them a brain dead d*%khead, give them the finger etc. Sometimes I'm subtle and just give them the finger by pushing up my glasses or scratching my face with my middle finger. When they nearly kill me however I have been known to honk, roll down the window and let the expletives fly asking whether they're F-ing stupid or insane? Or both. Of course when Michelle is in the car I censor myself. I don't use profanities but I'm still not very nice when someone makes a bonehead move. "Are you waiting for a particular SHADE of green, MORON?" when someone doesn't proceed at a green light. "Signal your intentions, LOSER!" when someone is sitting there in the middle of an exit, blocking you from getting around them, giving no indication whether they're going left or right and they can't possibly go straight. "GEEZ! Watch what you're doing, IDIOT!" or "Nice move, PSYCHO!" when someone swerves into our lane nearly killing us. (Texting maybe?) Or "Do the math MORON! There's nowhere for you to go! It's like TETRIS dude!" when someone is driving aggressively trying to pass but there are no gaps and it's bumper to bumper and he's going to kill someone revving the gas and slamming on the brakes changing lanes for nothing. Don't get me wrong. I look for gaps and I take them when they're there. I can weave and pass like nobody's business when it's possible. But when it isn't possible I have the sense to stay in my own congested lane rather than swapping it out for another equally congested lane. Sometimes there's just nowhere for you to go. The world is overcrowded and most of them are on the highway when you need to go somewhere... Or in line when you need to buy something. Or ahead of you wherever you happen to be. That's just Murphy's Law.<br />
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So, with Michelle in the backseat and my "kind" shirt on I set off to Grandma's house an hour away and hoped for the best. It was tough. Every time someone annoyed me I felt a twinge in my gut and had to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out in anger. Trying to restrain myself from saying something snarky to bad drivers proved even more painful than restraining myself from taking a photo when I see something cute. It's a knee jerk response. Very hard to override! But I made a conscious effort. It was a pretty silent drive. Nothing but the radio. "Kill them with kindness" came on the radio and I thought "If only!" I remembered the saying "If you can't say something nice, say nothing." Of course if I lived by that I would never speak when I drove! But when I'm alone in the car and driving long distances, blowing off steam by expressing my exasperation keeps my head from exploding. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pDOoW7ifsb0/WVujhglew6I/AAAAAAAAOH0/uMXjnntSLfYQs3x3qvP_GJ_kGHze1usMgCLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN8404.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pDOoW7ifsb0/WVujhglew6I/AAAAAAAAOH0/uMXjnntSLfYQs3x3qvP_GJ_kGHze1usMgCLcBGAs/s320/RSCN8404.JPG" width="320" /></a>When you're dealing with stress I think you have to vent. To someone else (if they're willing to listen!) and to yourself (when you're alone in the car.) Saying nothing was a struggle but after a while it became easier. The knot in my stomach loosened. I did roll my eyes a little but aside from that I refrained from reacting to all the annoying things that everyone around me did wrong. Cutting me off, driving too slow, failing to signal, crossing the line, etc. Eventually I was a pro at it. Deep cleansing breaths. LET IT GO. Why did I have to let it affect me anyway? Who cares? What difference does it make? So I'm delayed a few minutes? So what? Chillax dude! Then something amazing happened. The less I worried about people doing things wrong, the more people started DOING THINGS RIGHT! It was like magic! People were letting me in when I needed to merge. People were moving right to let me pass. People were staying in their own lanes. Lights turned green just as I got there. I suddenly realized that by being kind I was giving out a positive energy, going with the flow and as a result THE UNIVERSE WAS MORE KIND TO ME! Now, on some level, I knew this already. And as a Christian (albeit a not very good one!) I should be living by this: "What would Jesus do?" I love Jesus. The problem is that he sets the bar pretty high. I have a hard time "Loving my enemies" and "turning the other cheek." It's in my nature to defend myself when attacked. Of course even if you're not a Christian, the fact is that it just makes more sense to be kind. When you go with the flow of the universe, things go your way. Resistance is futile. What you resist persists. By complaining/resisting what is, you actually help to perpetuate it. You feed its negative energy. It's a vicious circle.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zj42_91oJo/WVujnAENI0I/AAAAAAAAOH4/S4Mzfm9lmEkgKuDvQrE208HZIabpoM1wQCLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN8405.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zj42_91oJo/WVujnAENI0I/AAAAAAAAOH4/S4Mzfm9lmEkgKuDvQrE208HZIabpoM1wQCLcBGAs/s320/RSCN8405.JPG" width="320" /></a>Being positive is the better, healthier way to be. It benefits everyone, yourself most of all. What you put out, you attract. Negative draws negative. All of my complaining just attracted more things to complain about. Now my new (albeit forced and Be Kind t-shirt-mandated) positive energy was drawing positive results. It was beautiful. Of course I wish I could always be that way! How much more calm, at peace and happy I would be if I could just relax, breathe, be positive and attract positive energy! Unfortunately the reality is that when I'm sleep deprived, running on empty and commuting four hours a day, my patience is non-existent. Survival mode kicks in. It's fight or flight. I'm irritable AF! If I'm PMS-ing on top of it (which is every 3 weeks, lucky me!) it's even worse! If I was well-rested and having a great day it would be a lot easier to be nice. I could be Mother Teresa! (Well not quite.) When I'm barely surviving however, running on less than empty, everything feels like a threat and I will fight back. Everyone who cuts me off, who drives too slow, who tailgates etc is just adding to the stress and I take it personally. When I'm heading home to bed after a 16 hour day anyone who keeps me from my bed for one extra minute is my mortal enemy! Of course they have no idea that I'm working a 16 hour day on no sleep. They don't know (or care) how long/difficult/stressful/crazy/impossible my day is. They have their own issues/stories/struggles which are possibly worse than mine. You think you have it bad but you never know what kind of day/life the other person may be having. They may have it far worse. Even if they're in a really expensive car. This is why we should be kind and cut people slack -- because we are all human. We're all in this together and have to get along somehow. But sometimes it's easier said than done. Some people just walk around angry all the time, at life, at each other. It's an awful way to live and it hurts the hater most of all.<br />
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Of course being kind doesn't just mean to other people. It is just as important to be kind to ourselves. We need to cut ourselves a little slack. We can be very hard on ourselves. Self-critical, beating ourselves up, stressing ourselves out with "shoulds," often trying to be and do everything (women are especially guilty of this I believe! At the risk of generalizing, I would say men usually have an easier time cutting themselves slack and not trying to do too much!) I tend to be pretty self critical. I'm not always very kind to myself. A lot of us also (men and women) don't take care of ourselves. We need to eat healthy foods, get enough rest, exercise etc (and not poison ourselves with toxic substances) or we're going to feel like crap. Feeling terrible on the outside makes you feel bad inside as well. Again, it's easier said than done! I'm thankful that at least I don't smoke/drink/do drugs but I still have my own, less severe, addictions -- sugar, caffeine. Insomnia is an ongoing problem for me especially because I work shiftwork and am constantly changing from days to nights. It's hard to flip from one schedule to its opposite. And sometimes (on nightshifts when Michelle is in school) I only have a 3 hour window to grab sleep as it is. It's simply not enough to function. Sometimes even when I'm tired I just lay there and can't sleep because my mind is too active and doesn't come with an off button. I worry, make endless to do lists, etc. Even when I'm so tired I could collapse I still lay there and lay there, staring at the clock. Sometimes I finally get up and read/watch TV/go on Twitter. That usually doesn't help to relax me either! </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YD-GEpOu5iM/WVujpi8my7I/AAAAAAAAOIE/HcYgJmiHqAszTSOwhFMM_vtTPgbwHaoWQCLcBGAs/s1600/DSCN8410.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YD-GEpOu5iM/WVujpi8my7I/AAAAAAAAOIE/HcYgJmiHqAszTSOwhFMM_vtTPgbwHaoWQCLcBGAs/s320/DSCN8410.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle does better than I do with being kind. Then again she doesn't have stress to deal with. Her life is basically endless joy. Still, I'm glad she is such a sweet and caring person. She said something recently that blew me away. We were sitting on my Mom's porch eating ice cream (we usually sit on the swing in the backyard but it was raining so we chose the enclosed porch instead.) Michelle was smiling and waving at everyone who passed by walking their dogs. Most of them smiled and waved back. Michelle declared: "Mama, I'm nice to everyone because I want to go to Heaven." "That's wonderful sweetheart," I said, knowing that I don't quite live up to that most of the time. "I'm even nice to the people that are mean to me." (Kids at school that are mean with her.) "That's amazing, baby." Just then a pleasant looking guy walked by with a massive grey dog (possibly a wolfhound?) and Michelle enthusiastically waved and smiled again. He smiled ear to ear and waved back. "You just have to be careful sweetheart," I warned her. "You really shouldn't be too friendly with strangers. When it's someone you don't know you should avoid them because they could be bad." "But Mama," she reasoned, "If I'm still nice to them, maybe they could change?" I got a tear in my eye. It was so sweet, my little angel, wanting to believe the best in people, but I felt I had to warn her.</div>
"That's sweet baby, but no. You don't take the risk. A bad guy could hurt you. You just stay away from them." I thought back to some of the "bad guys" that I had loved and thought I could change/save. Her father had been one of them. I wouldn't go near a guy like that now. Too much at stake. I wouldn't endanger Michelle and allow a bad guy into her life. However I'm still very glad I fell for a bad boy and got an angel out of it. I'm grateful for that. But no more bad boys for me!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Eb-bagqwLkY/WVujoelQy3I/AAAAAAAAOIA/RLVlo2JIID8EPfjpVff7Mu4Q9bHpNn4vACLcBGAs/s1600/RSCN8411.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Eb-bagqwLkY/WVujoelQy3I/AAAAAAAAOIA/RLVlo2JIID8EPfjpVff7Mu4Q9bHpNn4vACLcBGAs/s320/RSCN8411.JPG" width="240" /></a>So, be kind to others as much as you can. Something to aspire to. But also be kind to yourself and don't endanger yourself. You have to set boundaries. I am glad that Michelle is kind-hearted and loves people but I also want to protect her, to teach her that you can't be completely open-hearted and trusting, that in the interest of self-preservation you have to be at least somewhat cautious and you have to stand up for yourself (and others) if someone is unkind.<br />
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If only everyone could be kind. We could live in peace and harmony and love each other, recognizing we are all part of the same (very large and dysfunctional!) family -- humanKIND. What a beautiful world it would be...But as they say "BE the change you want to see in the world." So I could start by not yelling/swearing at other drivers. To be more forgiving, patient, courteous. Even when I'm not wearing my "Be kind" shirt...</div>
Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-22069567753626953792017-05-12T09:22:00.000-04:002017-05-26T04:17:44.624-04:00Get Something Off My Chest...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kEu5Edc7JdE/WNp73FjfmWI/AAAAAAAANa8/4o12frxlj24P74VUQYiWZlz-DqvGZO_ygCLcB/s1600/DSCN6614.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kEu5Edc7JdE/WNp73FjfmWI/AAAAAAAANa8/4o12frxlj24P74VUQYiWZlz-DqvGZO_ygCLcB/s320/DSCN6614.JPG" width="268" /></a>Speaking of "Bump in the Road..." I hit another one! Oh, man! This entire blog post may count as WTMI (as in WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!) but I've gotten into this peculiar routine of keeping an online diary and sharing my most personal stories with strangers around the globe, so why break a habit?! Besides, writing is therapy. And the irony is that sometimes life's most unpleasant experiences, our lumps and bumps along the road, make some of the best stories. Besides, how could I write about February and March without mentioning the biggest obstacle I went through, facing so many of my fears/phobias?</div>
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So here goes...<br />
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(It's not pretty.)<br />
(You have been warned...)<br />
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Winter is bad enough but February is usually the cruelest month of all (in my experience anyway, I usually refer to it as Feb<b>RUE</b>ary... By the way "rue" is kind of an old school word for sorrow/regret if I haven't mentioned it before. It just occurred to me that not too many people use the word "rue" in everyday conversation and I keep throwing it out there as if people will get it... Sorry to interrupt one parenthetical statement with another but I've gotta be me!) Seasonal Affective Disorder is a constant battle (but now thanks to May I had a light anyway!) Sleep deprivation is a persistent problem (ongoing sleep deprivation poses risks such as impulsive behaviour, depression, hallucinations etc. It also makes you cranky AF and makes it hard to think straight/function in any capacity...) On top of everything else I'd been suffering from an awful bout of pneumonia since November. FINALLY I had reached the point where I wasn't coughing constantly. I still had green mucus in my nose and throat but I'd only sneeze occasionally or cough once in a while, especially when I was in bed (something about lying down seems to stir up the phlegm in your lungs/throat.) <br />
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One night I coughed and put my hand up to my chest (which still hurt. Cracked ribs healing? Not sure.) I felt something strange in my right breast. It felt like a grape. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WTF? I mean, I had been eating a lot of grapes lately but I was pretty doubtful that one could roll down and get stuck in my breast! "This can't be good," I thought. It was an obvious lump, the size and shape of a grape, that seemed to have come from out of nowhere. (Although if I'm being honest it could have been there for years. The truth is I don't ordinarily fondle myself and I hadn't been doing the monthly breast self-exam you're supposed to do to check for lumps. I never quite knew what to look for anyway. This however was HARD TO MISS!) I remember my doctor explaining to me once how to tell what a lump was as opposed to all the other lumpy stuff that's just naturally in your breast anyway: "Well, if you feel something lumpy but it's long and stringy... that's normal. But if it's like an isolated ball that's a lump on its own, you should get it checked out." For crying out loud, I was trying to get over the stress of being sick and the holidays and changes at work and finances and furnaces and everything bloody else and now I had to make YET ANOTHER trip to the doctor to check out a friggin LUMP in my boob?! Seriously. Enough already! I mean, some people are hypochondriacs and run to the doctor for everything (my Mom was like that -- every little sniffle & she was running us to the doctor) but I try to AVOID trips to the doctor. I don't LIKE going to doctors. (Don't get me wrong. My doctor is a sweetheart but I'd prefer not to see her on a regular basis!) I try not to go unless something goes REALLY wrong and I have no choice. I sighed as I entered my doctor's office. Again. "Ok. So now there's ANOTHER worry to add to the list..." I told her. She felt for the lump. Yup. I wasn't imagining it. My grape was definitely there. She confirmed it and sent me for a mammogram and an ultrasound to have it checked out. Lovely.<br />
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I'd heard about mammograms of course (and in my mind I pictured them as "Ma'am-o-grams" since once you were about the age that people called you Ma'am you started going for them...Otherwise they'd be "Miss-o-grams."Yes I know breasts are mammaries but humour me!) Frankly, I wasn't a fan of the idea. Mammograms didn't sound very pleasant -- having your breasts squeezed in a vice? Ummm...No thanks! Some women said they didn't really hurt at all but were merely a bit uncomfortable (of course you never can tell. There are some pretty tough pain-resistant broads out there! They will laugh at you and call you weak for not being able to endure the sort of pain THEY barely wince at. "Oh I've been through that, that's NOTHING!" Some will even tell you labour pains aren't so bad! Ummm...OK. I think you're ALONE on that one, toots!) On the opposite end of the spectrum are the delicate ladies who warn that mammograms are painful/horrible and left them bruised. Like most things, I think it's different for everyone. There's no one size fits all when it comes to body types/pain tolerance etc! Some of us are more sensitive. Some of us bruise more easily. And some are bulletproof/tough AF! So, you can never really be sure how it will be for YOU until you're in it. When I voiced my trepidation to the doctor she assured me that while the procedure can be somewhat painful for small breasted women (because they have to pull enough flesh together to put in the machine and squish to take the x-ray) it is less painful for medium to large breasted women (not as hard to gather enough of a boob to fit in the machine.) The doctor remarked that my breasts were a decent size and shouldn't present a problem. "Thanks!" I chuckled.<br />
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So let me take you on a trip down Mammory Lane...The day of my very first mammogram arrived. I tried to use positive visualization and imagine that it wouldn't be so bad. I was kind of chanting positive affirmations in my head "Piece of cake! It will be OK..." as I parked the car and headed into the hospital in a state of utter distress. I was trembling. I reached the radiology department and was shown to a room where I was instructed to disrobe from the waist up and put on a hospital gown BACKWARD (with the ties at the front.) The thing is, they set you up to FAIL! It ties on an angle which wouldn't matter so much on your back but at the front it is quite a wardrobe malfunction -- practically leaving one breast flopping out no matter what you do! I looked in the mirror. "Ummm... OK am I missing something?" I wondered. Being the modest sort, I tied it as tight as it could possibly go and pulled the material over myself to cover the gap on my chest. At least everyone in this closed off section was female. There was a nurse assigned to the room to watch over the ladies waiting for their mammograms. I was the only one there under the age of 60 years. (Including the nurse/volunteer.) "Excuse me...Sorry but..." I said to her, "I was just wondering...Am I stupid or is it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to tie these gowns in a way that you're not half naked?" She smiled. "I know! Sorry. They're supposed to fit EVERYONE instead they fit NO ONE properly! But you don't have to walk down the hall that way. Just stay in here. When you go for the ultrasound down the hall you'll wear another gown over it tied behind you. "Oh OK. Thank you," I said breathing a sigh of relief that at least I wouldn't be forced to sit out in public (in front of strange men and women) with one breast peeking out.<br />
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I was shaking like a leaf once I got into the room with "the machine." Luckily the technician was very kind, calming and reassuring. I apologized for sweating profusely, especially since I wasn't even allowed to wear anti-perspirant! (Before a mammogram you are banned from wearing any lotion, perfume or deodorant which I guess makes sense so the area is free of obstacles and can give a clear X-ray.) "Oh don't worry," the lady said, "you see EVERYTHING in here. At least you showered!" Apparently some people don't?! I couldn't. even. imagine!<br />
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She put a little triangle sticker on my breast over where the lump was just to keep track of it for the X-ray. She led me to the machine. My breast was placed on a sort of plastic shelf thing (like a xerox machine?) then another large plastic shelf was lowered until my breast was squished between the two plates. Then she told me to take a deep breath and hold it. I was still shaking but it really wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. It wasn't long before she had X-rays of both breasts and I was done. It was mildly uncomfortable but not what I would consider painful. The sideways squish was my least favourite but it was just for a moment and it was over. Awesome! Woo hoo! No pain. No bruises. I wasn't worried about the ultrasound at all because I'd had a couple while I was pregnant and knew that that would just be some jelly and a wand over my breast. Cakewalk! Also, unlike the pregnancy ultrasound, I wasn't required to drink an inordinate amount of water and hold it in! (That actually WAS painful! I had to pee SO BAD. I was almost in tears.) The relief when it was over and I could run to the bathroom and pee bordered on orgasmic! LOL (I was thrilled that Michelle was a girl and was healthy but I was almost just as happy that it was over and I could finally pee out that 2 litres of water! What a RELIEF!)<br />
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Unfortunately, the ultrasound section was off in another area and had a longer wait time, out in a hallway this time, with both men and women. At least I had another gown over me now but I still felt somewhat silly/conspicuous being the only person in a hospital gown. The other people were just there for an ultrasound and had walked in off the street apparently, all dressed in their winter coats etc whereas I'd already had the mammogram and was in a gown. I tried to look nonchalant and texted my sister on my phone. (Because that's what everyone else does and I try to fit in with modern society every once in a while! Look at me! I can text too!) One of the men waiting, a short stout balding man was talking on his cellphone and telling the person that he had a "floating blood clot." That completely freaked me out. After the blood clot in my foot in the summer and with all the time I spend sitting/driving it's always a concern. I was waiting for quite a while and it seemed like everyone else had gone in except me. Even people that arrived after I had. So when a new woman came in to the waiting area and was called right away I had to speak up, albeit somewhat sheepishly. "Hi...I'm sorry but she just got here and I've been waiting quite a while. I just wanted to make sure I haven't been forgotten...?" If looks could kill the daggers from the woman off the street's eyes would have destroyed me right then. I wanted to say "Look chickee...It's nothing personal but I've been waiting A LOT LONGER than you and I'd rather not sit here all day only to find that I missed my turn! So don't be giving me the STINK EYE!" The nurse/technician said "Sorry...I'll check." She came back to tell me that no I was having a different sort of ultrasound and that that particular room wasn't ready yet. So there were different rooms for the baby ultrasounds, the leg ultrasounds, the angry lady in the winter coat shooting me daggers ultrasounds, the man with the floating blood clot ultrasounds and my grape in the boob one...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zUtgJX037M4/WNp-A1TA5GI/AAAAAAAANbU/MP1E9yqXUMg8cmBvSB6vE-PpN2Qj9CNdgCLcB/s1600/DSCN6736.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zUtgJX037M4/WNp-A1TA5GI/AAAAAAAANbU/MP1E9yqXUMg8cmBvSB6vE-PpN2Qj9CNdgCLcB/s320/DSCN6736.JPG" width="320" /></a>Finally it was my turn and I went in. I asked the tech if I'd be able to see the screen (sure it's not quite as cute/heartwarming as seeing your baby on an ultrasound but I thought I might as well steal a glimpse at my lump.) And there it was...amidst the floating white stuff and whatever other substances are in there there was a black grape sized hole. "It's like a grape," I commented. "Well you have a bunch of grapes," the girl remarked. There were a series of smaller lumps here and there. I knew she couldn't really tell me results (that had to come from my doctor) but I was curious if it was normal to have lumps like this. I had read that you can have lumps that come and go with your period etc and that they are harmless. She said it was pretty common. She told me she didn't think I needed to worry which was reassuring. I was told I would have the results within 10 days. Five days later I got a call from my doctor. I was hoping it was with good news -- that everything was fine and I could just go about my life, lumps and all. Unfortunately there was a little more to it than that. She said that the cyst was one thing but what they were more concerned about were the "microcalcifications" around it. Micro sounded like something small and I hoped it was nothing to worry about. Unfortunately that wasn't quite the case. The cells were atypical and growing rapidly so they were worrying enough that she wanted me to have a biopsy. That didn't sound fun. A needle in my breast? Ugh. The doctor said that the worst case scenario would be that I might have to have a "small surgery." I asked if this could all be because of Michelle falling on me and digging her elbow into my breast (by accident) when she was jumping on the bed. Could it be an injury? My sister had "calcifications" in her shoulder from an injury once. Also considering it's a breast, calcifications (like calcium?) sounded like something you would find in milk ducts. I Googled it and got myself somewhat freaked out. I tried not to worry too much. I just wanted the biopsy OVER WITH. I tried calling the hospital to book an appointment but they said it doesn't work that way. They pretty much said "Don't call us, we'll call you." I cried. I felt helpless. I didn't know whether I'd be waiting a matter of days, weeks or months for an appointment. And I was going to be stressed out until it was done. I couldn't even bring myself to utter the "other C word...." I just prayed the cyst would be benign and all would be fine. The doctor said that ironically the size of the lump suggested it wasn't "c" word because it was so big and came from out of nowhere whereas malignant tumors tend to start small and grow slowly rather than popping up, grape size, all of a sudden...<br />
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A few days later they called me about the biopsy appointment. It was the day after Valentine's Day. Perfect. I managed to escape Cupid's bow on Valentine's Day but I would be pierced in the chest with sharp objects THE NEXT DAY! Fun times. I was trying not to panic too much. Hey, I'd survived childbirth after all, right?! Anything should be a cakewalk after that! But this was different. Yes labour was painful and terrifying but I wasn't alone (I had my mom and sister to comfort me) and I knew that that pain was for a good cause (I got an adorable baby at the end of it!) This was just going to be an awful incident with no reward at the end. And worst of all I was all by myself to go through it. "Keep it in perspective," I tried to tell myself. "It's just a biopsy. People have biopsies all the time."' I spoke to someone else who had been through it a few times years ago (and they survived!) I tried to console myself that everything would be OK. Though I was extremely scared, I tried to do the positive visualization exercise again. I imagined myself going to the hospital for the biopsy and saying "That wasn't nearly as bad as I expected!" Sadly, what would happen was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL. It was far worse than I could have anticipated. Worse than my worst nightmares...<br />
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I dropped Michelle off at school in the morning and went off to meet my doom. If I'd had a date with a serial killer I couldn't have been more nervous. No this time I was FAR more scared than I had been for the mammogram because this wasn't just a bit of a squish, this was invasive. This was a needle in my breast (several needles in my breast!) and there was no way to make that pleasant! I was full on TERRIFIED. I was trembling like a leaf when a nurse led me into the room. I told her I have a phobia of needles, that I FAINT every time, that I was petrified etc. She sat me down, gave me some paperwork and asked whether my doctor had explained the procedure to me. I said no not really. She sounded somewhat stern and said "Well they should have!" and proceeded to tell me in minute detail what was going to happen. I interrupted her. "Ummm. Sorry but just so you know. This is NOT making me feel better. This is making me feel much much worse." It was like a deranged killer saying "Now don't worry. I'm just going to inflict as much pain as possible until you scream for mercy then I'll gouge your eyes out. OK puddin? NOW RELAX!" The nurse led me over to "the machine" (which was similar to the mammogram thing but a little different.) I was having an "ultrasound guided biopsy." I was also having a "panic attack!" The nurse drew a line across my breast with purple marker and warned me "Don't move." She'd be able to tell whether I moved because of the line. I couldn't stop shaking. I was afraid that might count as moving and I'd get in trouble. Then I had to cough. My breathing was shallow. She took a few photos/x-rays. I coughed and she said I'd moved, re-positioned me and took the x-rays again. Then she went to find the doctor. I was still trapped with my breast locked in the machine while she went to look. I had a pain in my back. The nurse had put a pillow behind me but said "This is not for your comfort." Clearly not. It was just to push me forward to keep me in the machine. It put a strain on my back. I was feeling pain in my back, neck, arms, shoulders, legs, you name it. It was NOT COMFORTABLE to say the least. I was so tense I could hardly breathe. And I didn't know how long I'd be trapped like that. Breast squished, back hurting, awaiting MORE pain. Good times. The anxiety attack grew worse. I felt claustrophobic, trapped, waiting for a man who was going to come in and hurt me and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to run.<br />
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There was a little picture on the wall of a faceless woman holding two babies. The machine blocked part of it so you couldn't completely make it out. The nurse suggested I could focus on that to keep my mind off things. I wanted to say "Well can you hang the picture in a BETTER SPOT then?! Because this torture chamber machine thingy is blocking my view!" I wished it was a happier picture. I almost felt sorry for the woman with no face carrying her babies. Why couldn't it be an ocean scene or a soothing pastoral landscape? I wanted to go to my happy place. Close my eyes and pretend I was at the beach. I tried to take deep breaths. Breathe in for a count of four, hold, breathe out for a count of four. It was hard to breathe between the anxiety and the fact that my chest was locked in a vice. Little. shallow. breaths. Almost hyperventilating. The nurse mentioned breathing and yoga. I told her that I do yoga. "YOU do yoga?" she asked in disbelief. "I know, right?!" I said, "I don't seem very ZEN, do I? I find my zen WHILE I'm doing yoga but then it leaves me again & needless to say I'm NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW!" There is nothing zen about having your breast trapped in a machine while waiting for the Marquis de Sade to begin torturing you further. Absolutely nothing!<br />
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Finally the doctor came in and coldly, clinically explained what he would be doing. My lip quivered. Tears streamed down my face. I went to wipe them away. It was just too much. Fear of the pain, fear of the outcome (possible "C" word), just fear and helplessness and anxiety and being alone going through this with no one who loved me to say "You're going to be OK." I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it. "You moved!" the nurse said and then she had to take her x-rays again. The doctor explained that he would be doing the freezing and that it wouldn't really hurt, it would just be "like a bee sting." I wanted to say "Ummm.... I don't want to tell you how to write your pep talks Doc but NEWS FLASH: BEE STINGS <b>HURT</b>!" The last time I'd been stung was while I was gardening when I was pregnant. It hurt like hell and I was also terrified at the time that the poison could get through to the baby somehow. And that was just in my leg. This was my breast. I figured a bee stinging my breast would hurt a bit more. I felt like asking "Hey doc, have you ever been stung by a bee? What about in your most sensitive area? Have you ever been stung on your chest/genitals etc?!" But I didn't say a word. Instead I just gritted my teeth and prepared for the worst. <br />
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And the worst happened. The needle went in. It stung. Worse than a bee. It hurt like a mo-fo. And then, that awful all-too-familiar sensation came over me -- I felt really hot, everything started to turn yellow and sparkly... "Oh man, here we go," I thought. "I feel faint," I told them, "I'm sorry I always faint at needles." I had warned them. Then I must have blacked out for a second because next thing I knew I was lying down and the nurse had a cold cloth on my head. She seemed much more kind and tender to me at that point. I was hoping that the whole thing was over with. Instead it hadn't even started.<br />
"We'll have to reschedule for another day," the doctor suggested matter-of-factly.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fng44up0rU4/WNp-Br61h5I/AAAAAAAANbc/dNn0wPefIBQkBMHCgN9oUpMTlWJ2EGYkgCEw/s1600/IMG_0687.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fng44up0rU4/WNp-Br61h5I/AAAAAAAANbc/dNn0wPefIBQkBMHCgN9oUpMTlWJ2EGYkgCEw/s320/IMG_0687.JPG" width="320" /></a>I almost said "OH HELL NO! Are you out of your friggin mind?! Go through all this AGAIN?! No way Jose!" What I did say was: "NO. Absolutely not! I'm not going through this again. EVER. It's NOW or NEVER! Coming back another day is not going to change anything. I'm not going to magically be a person who doesn't faint at needles next time!" "Well we can't do the procedure if you're fainting," the nurse explained. "I'll try not to faint again!" I offered. The nurse went and got me some cranberry juice. She asked if I'd eaten. I had but not much because I was too nervous and my stomach was upset. I'm borderline anemic so on a nearly empty stomach I'm a bit weak too. The cranberry juice helped a LOT. She gave me a cold cloth for my head, back and wrist. That helped enormously because feeling too hot was almost the worst part of it (that and the sparkly yellow sh$%!) and bringing my body temperature down was half the battle. She suggested we could do the procedure lying down. That sounded much more appealing until I realized how uncomfortable it was to have the machine squishing my breast at that angle. The side squish. Bad times. Being crushed from top and bottom was uncomfortable but manageable. Being squeezed from the sides was full on AWFUL. It was painful. Worse than a needle. I told her this was simply horrible. "Can you endure it for 15 minutes?" she asked. "NO!" I said, "I couldn't endure this for 15 seconds! Let's go back to sitting up! I PROMISE I won't faint again!" She seemed mildly exasperated but we redid everything. Because I had moved they would have to do the freezing again. Luckily I didn't even feel the second needle because most of my breast was already numb from the first freezing. Thank Heaven.<br />
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Then the doctor warned me, "I don't want you to panic but..." Again I wanted to tell him: "As pep talks go, you're the WORST! If you start a sentence with 'I don't want you to panic' you can 100% EXPECT ME TO PANIC!!!" He cautioned me that I was going to hear a noise like a staple gun (awesome. Now I will have PTSD every time someone is doing home renovations or reupholstering furniture) which would actually be the machine injecting me with needles apparently. The sound was jarring so it was actually a good thing that he had warned me. He hadn't been exaggerating. It sounded EXACTLY like a staple gun. Thankfully because of the freezing I didn't really feel it except a bit of a jolt/pressure in my breast with each pa-ching! The nurse and doctor spoke back and forth about millimeter depths etc. At one point the doctor said something about going deeper than the machine would allow. That didn't sound ideal but I was just trying to tune them out. "La la la blah blah blah... I'm not listening to you..." I decided that whatever they might be saying about stapling my boobs I for sure didn't want to hear a word of it... In my mind screaming: "LA LA...NOT LISTENING!"<br />
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I closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place -- picturing myself lying on the beach. In a few months it would be summer and I could (hopefully) put all of this nonsense behind me. The nurse didn't like me closing my eyes because she was afraid I could be fainting again. I promised her I wouldn't. I didn't want to look at the doctor or the machine or any of it. I tried to look at the little (half blocked) painting on the wall. Instead I wound up staring at the yellow and black receptacle on the wall. Staring at the words SHARP SMART like I was a victim in a horror movie scene. I just wanted it over. The procedure was only supposed to be 15 minutes but between delays and fainting and whatnot it wound up being over an hour. An hour can fly by quickly when you're having fun (hence the saying). An hour feels like an eternity when you're being tortured (ie having a biopsy apparently.) After they'd shot me with about 8 needles (aka staples) they went to check the samples/slides to make sure they got what they needed. "Please God let it be done!" I thought. Then the doctor came back and said he wanted to be extra sure and took a few more to be safe. Sure. I'm a human pincushion. Do your worst! But get it all now because I am NOT going through this sh%$ again, dude! (This was just the conversation in my head. I didn't say it out loud. Not all of it anyway.) Finally it was done. The nurse seemed concerned about the bleeding. She told me not to look. "Oh there's no danger of that!" I assured her. I was NOT looking toward my chest. Not for anything on earth. Nope. I was not even mildly curious to see the geyser of blood from my chest. NO WAY! She held a cold cloth on it for a very long time with a lot of pressure. Then she had a nurse come in and keep the pressure on my wound. "Don't be nice to her," she told the nurse. Gee thanks! "Make sure you keep a LOT of pressure on it so she doesn't bleed too much." Yikes. Sucks to be me. After a while when the bleeding stopped she put a bandage on it. She told me not to take Advil (which could make you bleed too much apparently?) but to take Tylenol instead. I wasn't sure if I had any at home so she said she'd get me some. I didn't want to feel ANY pain. She gave me a page of instructions. It said I might want to wear a bra to bed afterward. I had never worn a bra to bed in my life but going to bed that night I understood why I had to. Without a bra, gravity sort of pulls on your breast and hence pulls on the wound. The bra holds everything in place and is comforting.<br />
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I went back to the ladies only waiting room. They wanted to keep an eye on me for a while to make sure I didn't faint again. I was suddenly freezing. Whether from the anxiety, the loss of blood or the wet cloth that had dripped all down my back and arms I had a chill so bad my teeth were chattering. And then something beautiful happened. It was the opposite of everything I'd just been through. It was a cozy, happy, warm and fuzzy miracle: They brought me a WARM BLANKET (and when I say warm I mean like hotter than fresh from the dryer -- it had been heated in a microwave or something!) and it was SHEER HEAVEN! That was the best part! That hot blanket wrapped around me was like a comforting hug saying "You have been through Hell but you survived. It will be OK." An older lady in the waiting room asked me if it was my first mammogram. I guess she was waiting for hers. I said no I just had a "BIOPSY." I wondered if she could tell by the grim way I uttered the word biopsy that it had been a trip through hell. Or she could tell from my appearance. I must have looked a fright (when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror later I was like Alice Cooper's sister. My mascara was EVERYWHERE.) I was past caring how awful I looked. I was just SOOOO immensely relieved it was over! I felt really weak and couldn't wait to go get breakfast at Tim's (iced capp and egg and cheese english muffin here I come!) The nurse asked me if I wanted to be wheeled to the door. I said I'd never been in a wheelchair before. I said it might actually be kind of nice (and the thought of walking back through the labyrinthine hallways in my weakened state wasn't appealing.) So I accepted the ride. I passed an old man in a wheelchair going the other way who waved and said "Hi." I said "Hi," back. Then she dropped me off at the door. The cold air was refreshing. I took a deep breath. I felt like I'd just been let out of prison! It was SUCH a relief to be done.<br />
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My breast was numb for a while. The freezing even felt like it was moving to my neck and face. I swore that my lip felt a bit swollen like when you go to the dentist but it could have been my imagination. Numb lips or not I couldn't wait to eat! Nothing like sheer terror to work up an appetite! I got my breakfast and went home. Then I called May and my Mom to tell them what I'd been through. In retrospect the hospital should have given me a sedative or anti-anxiety meds ahead of time or something! Hindsight is 20-20. At least it was over. Now I had to wait for the results within 10 days. I really hoped the doctor would say everything was just fine and I never had to go through this again. I expected I would have to keep going for regular mammograms from now on but that wasn't so bad. Just NO MORE BIOPSIES PLEASE!!!<br />
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Every day that I was home I jumped when the phone rang thinking it might be the doctor with news. At work I kept checking my cellphone. I figured if I didn't hear anything within 10 days that I would call the office to check. Or maybe no news was good news and I hadn't heard because everything was FINE and they only call you with BAD results?! I wanted to hear either way but I lulled myself into a false sense of security thinking I just wouldn't hear because everything was OK. Nothing to worry about. My test was normal. My lump was just an innocuous lump. The microcalcifications were just tiny little nothing-to-worry-abouts...<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TnjDV8KcVK8/WNp_mx2cUyI/AAAAAAAANb8/_-8g2HLSWO8rXhpoOFn1BkwNbRbGH-iWwCEw/s1600/RSCN6828.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TnjDV8KcVK8/WNp_mx2cUyI/AAAAAAAANb8/_-8g2HLSWO8rXhpoOFn1BkwNbRbGH-iWwCEw/s320/RSCN6828.JPG" width="320" /></a>Then one day, at work, I got the call on my cell. Dang. Why did it have to be when I'm AT WORK?! It was the secretary at the doctor's office. "Your doctor wants to speak to you, do you have time to talk to her now?" "Well not really. I'm at work and it's kind of busy but of course I want to talk to her! Will it be quick? Is it good news?" "Well...The doctor really needs to speak to you." That didn't sound good. "Hi," the doctor began, "How are you?" "Well that depends...You tell me." Then she dropped the bomb. She told me that they were "recommending surgery." The floor sort of dropped out from under my feet. That sick hollow feeling in my belly. No. No. No. She had told me that the "worst case scenario" would be a small surgery. So this was actually the WORST CASE SCENARIO coming to pass?! <br />
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The good news was that the lump/cyst/tumor/grape was BENIGN. And don't get me wrong. That WAS a huge relief. The bad news was that unfortunately I had something called ADH -- Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia which meant that the cells in my milk ducts were running amok, growing fast and could turn into something (pre-C word -- I can't bring myself to say it) so they recommended just taking the lump and the surrounding cells out. I cried. This was not good news. While I was grateful that it wasn't malignant, I was devastated that I had to go through a surgery anyway. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DtINOmcgPzU/WNp_m_p8ZPI/AAAAAAAANb4/MI8uaEEWuJ4xVvKIOjYa9cB9aPfvfFb3ACEw/s1600/RSCN6830.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DtINOmcgPzU/WNp_m_p8ZPI/AAAAAAAANb4/MI8uaEEWuJ4xVvKIOjYa9cB9aPfvfFb3ACEw/s320/RSCN6830.JPG" width="320" /></a>I was terrified. I told her that I fainted at the biopsy and that it was one of the worst experiences of my life. She assured me that at least I'd be knocked out for the surgery. I had to get back to work. I sat at my desk like a zombie. Trying to hold back the tears. I wound up telling my co-workers because I just wasn't going to be able to hide it. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Restraint isn't always (ever?) my strong suit! My supervisor suggested I just go home. But then I'd have to face the panic full on. I didn't want to think about it. Just dive into work and don't think about it. I managed to wipe away the tears and get through the rest of the day. Then I went to my sister's place to talk to her. She always helps to make me feel better. I brought Michelle and my Mom as well because Michelle loves visiting with Reggie and we hadn't been there for a visit in a couple of weeks. May did manage to cheer me up (she always makes me laugh!) and she assured me that she would take me to the surgery so I would not be alone. (I had to have someone take me anyway because apparently you're not allowed to drive after.) My doctor referred me to a surgeon who would apparently be calling me to make a consultation appointment.<br />
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One day I went to get out some grapes from the fridge and found that they were covered in milk. One of the bags of milk had leaked into the fruit & veggie drawer. I've bought hundreds of bags of milk and have never had that happen before. Things go wrong all the time of course, random annoyances. Sometimes I'm able to laugh them off, other times (when I'm having a really bad day) I might actually cry over spilled milk (literally and figuratively). On this particular day as I was rinsing milk off the grapes it hit me -- I had a grape sized lump in my milk ducts. And now I had milk on my grapes. I started to laugh. I looked up "Ok. I get it. Good one!" I decided that there are no coincidences in life or rather that coincidences are God's way of winking at you to make sure you're paying attention. Life is weird. Find a way to laugh at it...<br />
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WARNING: Graphic content (I've always wanted to say that.) <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0KLS9E4l14Y/WP4Bs4ANn0I/AAAAAAAANiw/JFwlcHyqEikSHwcvWV6v4Jqb-XpsWPzUQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6896%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0KLS9E4l14Y/WP4Bs4ANn0I/AAAAAAAANiw/JFwlcHyqEikSHwcvWV6v4Jqb-XpsWPzUQCLcB/s320/DSCN6896%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="228" /></a>When the surgeon's office called they asked me to "Bring your slides..." Slides? Like vacation slides? Not quite. They wanted me to bring a CD of my BREASTS. It's not nearly as sexy as it sounds! (Maybe because I was having the surgery in a different city than the hospital where I had the tests done so the files weren't just forwarded on? Or maybe they always ask you to bring your own slides to surgery appointments? Not sure. It's all new to me.) So anyway, I had to call the hospital, get them to make a CD of the greatest hits from my Ma'am-o-gram, Ultrasound and Biopsy From Hell and then go pick it up to bring with me to the surgeon. Just a weird day all around. It was all so surreal and awkward. Walking into the hospital to the radiology department and asking for my "CD." I have to admit curiosity got the better of me and when I got home I couldn't resist a peak at the "slides." I mean how often am I going to get to see my breasts from the inside? (Hopefully never again!) I put the CD in my laptop. Some of it I wasn't really sure what the what I was looking at. But then some of the slides were quite clearly my breasts though they sort of looked like the moon with craters and whatnot. I sort of wished I had a full body x-ray so I could see my own skeleton. I think that would be kind of cool. Then again once I saw my own skeleton it might haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. Yeah, it's probably better if I don't know what I will look like dead. This whole lump and surgery thing got me thinking about my own mortality more than I felt comfortable with as it is. But I can deal with seeing my moon boobs... As you can see, photoholic that I am I snapped little souvenir shots of the slides. (I tried to save/copy the files to my computer and it wouldn't let me because they weren't just JPEGS but part of a weird program thing. So I just snapped pictures of the screen. Awkward I know. I can't believe I'm sharing these but hey, I've gone this far! Somehow with the nipple cropped out it doesn't seem like my breasts anymore anyway. It's just like looking at the moon. A blue moon. And a scary monster face (the lump seen on the ultrasound...)<br />
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Handing the CD over to the secretary at the surgeon's office felt kind of bizarre. There's something sort of vulnerable and random about handing over photos of your body parts to a complete stranger, but hey, you never know what each new day will bring! I wasn't entirely sure how just looking at those slides would be enough for the doctor to perform surgery but they'd no doubt take more x-rays and tests at the hospital before the surgery. I went in with a list of questions for the surgeon. I was afraid and was really looking for reassurance that I was overreacting/worrying needlessly and that everything would be OK. In my fantasy he was going to shake his head in a "there, there" fatherly manner and say something like "Don't you worry. There are some risks with anything but it's a routine procedure and you should be just fine." Yeah, I wish that's what he'd said. Not so much. I told him about my fainting and nervousness and general anxiety about the whole thing. He wasn't exactly comforting. He calmly and unemotionally told me about the procedure and answered my questions matter of factly with some of the worst answers possible -- stoking my worst fears and then some. Now, in fairness, I guess I shouldn't ask the question if I don't want to know the answers. The thing is, I just didn't want BAD answers! (It's like when you have the "talk" with your partner, and you know you're having problems but you need to confront them about the relationship, to know where you stand, and you're really hoping that miraculously they'll give you the answers you want to hear instead of the ones that will crush your very soul... Not that I've been through that for scenario a while. I haven't dated in 5 years. But those conversations are SEARED in my brain. They never went well.)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l95bCPzU6jw/WOaOusLQMEI/AAAAAAAANgc/4syzrsoq4V4ZRalpHDy6nDlPuXbNQTZEgCLcB/s1600/DSCN6884.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l95bCPzU6jw/WOaOusLQMEI/AAAAAAAANgc/4syzrsoq4V4ZRalpHDy6nDlPuXbNQTZEgCLcB/s320/DSCN6884.JPG" width="320" /></a>Some of the surgeon's answers were a relief:<br />
1. When would the surgery be? In a couple of weeks (this was good news because I was anxious to get it over with. I didn't want to have to wait for weeks or months) I penned it into my calendar. I would have to see my family doctor for a physical and have a pre-op appointment at the hospital before surgery as well. They really want to be sure you're fit for surgery apparently.<br />
2. How long does the surgery take? About 20 minutes. That didn't seem so bad. You can survive just about anything for 20 minutes. Even a Jillian Michaels' workout! I've done those too.<br />
3. Would I be knocked out? Yes. (Thank God because I definitely didn't want to be awake for it! Give me the works! Send me to the moon. When I had my wisdom teeth out they knocked me out and I had to be carried to the car. Or so they tell me. I was in my 20s then.)<br />
Some answers weren't available:<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--fLajx0bdcA/WOaOsZ7Kz5I/AAAAAAAANgY/Sa2qfsvuxxoW-iQr8JP5gEqwg9wvs5WIQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6886.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="262" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--fLajx0bdcA/WOaOsZ7Kz5I/AAAAAAAANgY/Sa2qfsvuxxoW-iQr8JP5gEqwg9wvs5WIQCLcB/s320/DSCN6886.JPG" width="320" /></a>Why did this happen? What causes ADH? Did I do something wrong? (I tend to think in terms of cause and effect -- Obesity/heart disease, alcohol/liver damage, smoking/cancer. But what causes a grape sized lump to randomly grow in your milk ducts? Was it because I breastfed? (I would still have done it no matter what. As I've said before, Michelle's well-being is more important to me than my own.) Was it my diet? Did I drink too much Coke Zero? If there was something specific that caused it then I could try to prevent it from happening again. Could it be because I had pneumonia for months and coughed so hard I cracked my ribs? Or because Michelle fell on me (elbow into my chest which hurt like a mother?) But the doctor didn't have clear cut answers for me. Sometimes it's your diet or lifestyle or heredity but sometimes sh*% just happens and you really don't know why. I do think however that the common denominator of most diseases and disorders is STRESS and I had just gone through some of the most stressful months of my life. Sleep deprivation (which I'd also been suffering with) doesn't help either. Rest is the way your body restores/repairs itself. If you don't get your sleep then your body can't heal and just breaks down further. Physically and emotionally I was spent. I had been having breakdowns. My cells were having a breakdown too. It was all just too taxing on my system.<br />
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Then I got to my scariest questions: What were the risks? Was it safe? I wanted him to tell me this was routine and I would be OK. But I suppose he had to be honest and warn me that there are risks with any procedure. I asked if my breast shape/size could possibly be affected by the procedure (because they were taking out the lump and surrounding cells/tissue.) "Please say NO," I thought. I really wanted him to assure me that my breast would look the same as always except with a bit of a scar. Instead he uttered the words that cut me to the core: There was a chance that I might have some "volume loss" or "depression" on my breast. So I might be caved in/disfigured?! I felt like I was going to be sick.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PBZmtJCw0bk/WOxNEMnqHDI/AAAAAAAANg4/I-Sw0siL9r03dRYwpPsdVYnHxGLVZRowACEw/s1600/IMG_0831.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PBZmtJCw0bk/WOxNEMnqHDI/AAAAAAAANg4/I-Sw0siL9r03dRYwpPsdVYnHxGLVZRowACEw/s320/IMG_0831.JPG" width="240" /></a>This is going to sound silly but I'm rather attached to my breasts... I mean, like most women I tend to be self-critical and can find fault with just about everything on my body -- thinning hair (post-partum alopecia apparently. I have half the hair I used to have. Oh well, Michelle was worth it!), wrinkles (there seem to be new ones every day), big nose (never been a fan of my nose), crooked teeth (couldn't afford braces), pooch on my belly, stretch marks, cellulite, big thighs etc. My feet are sort of ugly but then I think feet in general are ugly. I could go on and on but this blog is too long as it is! Anyway, the point is that my breasts were the one thing (two things?! LOL) that I had no complaints about. They were round, relatively symmetrical and perky considering what they'd been through. While some women stress over chest size (too small/augmentation, too big/reduction) I felt like mine were just right! LOL Even when they changed over the years I was happy with each stage. As a skinny 100 lb teen I was a 32A. While my rail-like appearance was mocked by some neanderthals in school (who called me "flat chested" and "ironing board") I was also complimented by strangers saying how graceful/beautiful I was and asking if I was a model/ballerina (I'd dreamed of being a ballerina when I was little so this was the ultimate compliment to me! And I actually did do some modeling in those days.) As I gained weight in my 20s-30s I went up to 125 lbs and a 34B. While my weight fluctuated in my 30s (130-150 lbs) I pretty much stayed the same bra-wise. Then at 42 after working out hard core (Jillian Michaels etc!) I'd just gotten back to my ideal 125 lbs (which I hadn't been since my 20s) when I became pregnant and gained 70 lbs! Before I knew it I was a 36C. It was almost the first thing people noticed when I was pregnant! My cups ranneth over! The breasts expanded even faster than the belly. I didn't get to keep the big boobs of course. They shrunk as my stomach did when I worked out and lost most of the baby weight. (Breasts are mostly fatty tissue after all, so when you lose weight they tend to go. Female body builders often get breast augmentations because as they become more muscular they tend to lose their feminine curves.) But I was happy the girls were pretty much back to their old 34B selves (and not, as some Moms complained about post-partum, like deflated balloons!) <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jbYbumDt4Y0/WOxNEZfVEjI/AAAAAAAANg8/ouX9pW_BiWgn_uQrZYz-2RSkhyYfDvVtwCEw/s1600/IMG_0825.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jbYbumDt4Y0/WOxNEZfVEjI/AAAAAAAANg8/ouX9pW_BiWgn_uQrZYz-2RSkhyYfDvVtwCEw/s320/IMG_0825.JPG" width="240" /></a>Now the idea that my right breast could be irreparably changed/damaged was sort of heartbreaking. Yes on some level I know that who we really are is not physical -- that we are the spirit inside, not the body. Still it's hard not to associate who you are with your physicality. Having your appearance deteriorate with age is tough enough but it happens gradually. To have something happen to you physically and change you drastically in one day (to enter the hospital intact and come out broken) feels like a loss. I didn't want my breasts to change. I couldn't imagine women who had to go through a mastectomy. I thought about how incredibly brave they would have to be. Even this relatively small procedure scared me to death. Now some people would say I was overreacting. I'm not saying that my reactions are everyone's. We're all different. Hospitals/blood/needles/surgery etc is MY phobia. To some people, it's nothing. Everyone has their own fears. I met a woman once terrified of thunderstorms (I love thunderstorms.) Some people are afraid of heights (I don't mind them) or snakes (I like them). There are even people who have a phobia of birds/puppets/pickles/the most random things (for real. They've even done shows on bizarre phobias.) Yes the fear is usually irrational but it doesn't make it less real to you. We all have the fight/flight mechanism and react with fear to certain stimuli. For whatever reason sometimes we attach fear to things that do not actually pose a threat. In my case (and in my defense) I am afraid of things THAT DO ACTUALLY HURT YOU (therefore, not so irrational!) So please don't send me hate mail saying that I'm overreacting! These are MY fears not anyone else's! Maybe you're afraid of things that don't scare me. I've done stand up comedy, sang about my personal life in front of strangers, been the first one on the dance floor in a crowded bar, rested my head on a tiger and climbed a mountain in a dress, so in some respects I'm pretty freaking brave! LOL (Note: the number 1 most common fear/phobia is PUBLIC SPEAKING. It ranks higher than the fear of death! So people would literally rather DIE than get up on stage! And I've had my share of stage time and lived to tell about it! So back off critics of my phobias! LOL)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NzLlv7pRro4/WOxNEJ4PIlI/AAAAAAAANg0/sFzVmK3HWdMgn6RPprmJB2qFzPGx8KhGwCEw/s1600/IMG_0830.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NzLlv7pRro4/WOxNEJ4PIlI/AAAAAAAANg0/sFzVmK3HWdMgn6RPprmJB2qFzPGx8KhGwCEw/s320/IMG_0830.JPG" width="240" /></a>The bottom line is, I like to be in control. This all felt way beyond my control. I don't know if the surgeon realized just how upset I was by his answers. He was expressionless. I really needed him to say "There, there. Don't worry." But I guess that wouldn't be professional? Then I mentioned (because my Mom kept going on about it) that a couple of family members on her side had died of a blood clot two weeks after surgery. This was especially scary for me because I had a blood clot in my foot over the summer and had problems with circulation. I also spent extended periods of time sitting for work/commuting etc. Again I was hoping he'd say not to worry instead he jotted it down and said "Good thing you told me! We'll make sure to get you blood thinners after." So there WAS a risk I could have a blood clot?! And then, worst of all, the doctor answered a question I hadn't even asked. Something I hadn't even thought of: He told me "After surgery the pathologist will come back with results and we may have to recommend further treatments." Wait, WHAT?! NO NO NO! This was supposed to be the END of it. That's why I was going through the OPERATION! To get RID OF IT! I wanted to yell "What the HELL do you mean FURTHER TREATMENTS?! No way, Jose! I can't do this again! No more biopsies, surgeries, hospitals! NEVER AGAIN!" Instead I just nodded, mute. I was shaken. I left his office like a zombie. He told me to see the secretary who would have an envelope for me with paperwork to bring with me to my appointments.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GWPadXiI40U/WOxNE5_U1AI/AAAAAAAANhA/yIGf8n78IRswyvJFjfKK7QnIt2ygAdw8QCEw/s1600/RSCN7107.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GWPadXiI40U/WOxNE5_U1AI/AAAAAAAANhA/yIGf8n78IRswyvJFjfKK7QnIt2ygAdw8QCEw/s320/RSCN7107.JPG" width="320" /></a>Along with the paperwork was a prescription for some harsh chemical cleanser that I was to shower with TWICE before my surgery -- once the night before and once the morning of. I guess they want to make sure you're REALLY sterile before they operate? I started to read the instructions which were confusing/somewhat contradictory. At one point it said not to get the cleanser near any orifice (your mouth/vagina etc) but then it said something about washing your genitals with it last? "Umm excuse me. I don't really understand the instructions." She shot me a look like I was from outer space. She couldn't really explain it to me. I showed her the wording and said it didn't make sense. I almost said "Sooooo...Umm...Do I wash my hoo hoo with it or not?" She wasn't much help. She thought I just wash my privates with regular soap and use the detergent on everything else except my face but she couldn't confirm. She probably wanted to say "How the F would I know? I'm just the secretary!" She told me to go to the pharmacy to buy it. It was ridiculous that even the soap I had to use was stressing me out! I imagined it being this harsh acidic substance that would burn my flesh. (I know, right? Possibly overreacting but I tend toward the dramatic. I have sensitive skin and the fact that they called it "detergent" as opposed to "soap" led me to think it wouldn't be gentle.) I went to the pharmacy in a bit of a daze. The "detergent" (because apparently I was human laundry now) was $6 and wasn't covered by my drug plan because it was over the counter.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZoPczllAzrA/WOxNGblopTI/AAAAAAAANhI/GbcV_0sJr2wlw3QUiaOCqYMB0CPPX-aCgCEw/s1600/RSCN7109.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZoPczllAzrA/WOxNGblopTI/AAAAAAAANhI/GbcV_0sJr2wlw3QUiaOCqYMB0CPPX-aCgCEw/s320/RSCN7109.JPG" width="320" /></a>Once I got into my car the tears started. I drove back to my Mom's place and bawled. I was already stressed about the surgery. Now I felt FAR WORSE. I was worried that something bad would happen in surgery or I wouldn't be the same afterward or have complications. Or get a blood clot or die... Or that I might just go through the whole ordeal and still not be out of the woods and have more weird cells and have to endure more biopsies, surgeries, God knows what?! Not to mention getting needles, being in the hospital, faced with all my phobias and nothing I could do about it. The whole thing was giving me an anxiety attack. The biopsy had been bad enough. I didn't know how I was going to deal with surgery. It was terrifying to me. And of course stress and lack of sleep made me that much more fragile so I was hanging by a thread. I couldn't stop crying. I wound up calling my sister (because she's always the sweet, soothing, sane voice of reason that can somehow calm me down even when my head is spinning.) She told me what I needed to hear. I would be OK. People have lived through worse. And thankfully she was going to go with me the day of surgery so I wouldn't be alone. I would be staying with my sister overnight and then she'd take me to the hospital and stay with me. She'd also keep an eye on me afterward (apparently you're not allowed to be alone even if you wanted to. They don't let you leave the hospital without someone to watch you for 24 hours post-op. May, my guardian angel would be there for me. And somehow, no matter how bad it got, she would make me laugh.) What I really needed was a good rest (which I never seemed to get. My brain doesn't come with an off switch. I think and worry and compile lists of all the things I need to do and think and worry about and it's endless.)<br />
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Part of the instructions in my packet required me to see my doctor and to go to the hospital for a pre-op appointment. There were also several papers that I had to fill out myself about my medical history etc (my only previous surgeries had been a tonsilectomy as a child and having my wisdom teeth out in my 20s.) Luckily the doctor was able to squeeze me in since surgery was in a couple of weeks. Things went well at my family doctor. She's very nice and I always feel comfortable with her. I told her that the visit with the surgeon was somewhat traumatic. She said she thought that he seemed nice enough. I said I found him cold and clinical. "But don't tell him I said that!" I joked, "I don't want him to be mad at me when he's going to be operating on me!" She gave me a check up and found that I was normal and healthy (though I felt anything but normal!) I always feel like I'm hyper/stressed at the doctor and yet my blood pressure is always normal (like 120 over 80.) I think because my blood pressure is actually on the low side generally (which in addition to getting no sleep could be why I often feel weak/tired), so when I'm keyed up it just raises my diastolic/systolic levels up to normal. I showed my doctor the instructions for the detergent. She said this must be a new pre-surgery procedure they do at the new hospital because she'd never even heard of it. She explained that the soap was safe (it's the same one the doctors use) but just not to get it in my eyes or inside my vagina. So, yes, wash your OUTER genitals with it, just don't go too crazy! (Now why didn't the secretary just say that?! LOL) I decided not to stress about it too much. I had enough to worry about. Maybe they just wanted to make sure people came into the hospital clean. I remembered the tech at my mammogram saying that some people don't shower before coming in.<br />
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Scared and stressed, I was inspired to write a song, kind of a prayer called "Lord I'm scared." I just wanted to know that I would get through this and be OK. Here is a link to the video:<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NqFWVIfa-Nw/WOaMYSrfpsI/AAAAAAAANf8/Wf57KLO7984NtUfdqwszkrm_XnQ4E8B8wCLcB/s1600/DSCN7040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NqFWVIfa-Nw/WOaMYSrfpsI/AAAAAAAANf8/Wf57KLO7984NtUfdqwszkrm_XnQ4E8B8wCLcB/s320/DSCN7040.JPG" width="320" /></a>The following week was my pre-op appointment at the hospital. Generally I'm not a fan of hospitals. I have a phobic dislike of them (along with my phobia of needles/pain/blood etc. They just creep me out. Not my favourite place to be!) The good news was that my surgery was booked at a shiny new hospital which I had heard about and actually been curious to see. It was BEAUTIFUL! It was like an art gallery meets a mall meets an airport. Unfortunately it was HUUUUGE! I heard that there were actually FOUR Tim Hortons inside! (Yes, it's just THAT big. Like a small city!) I only got to see one of the Tim Hortons that day but I did make a mental note to get an iced capp on my way out!<br />
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The shiny new hospital was impressive. It made the old ordinary hospital in my town look like a dive. It pretty much blew any other hospital out of the water. I can't even imagine what it must have cost. So as much as I was dreading surgery, at least I was going to be having it in style...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5_O61GuaI1E/WOaLpC-JjuI/AAAAAAAANfM/26GTX-av0XYhp_q3j8Hs5M_5HdQuFu99ACLcB/s1600/DSCN7032.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5_O61GuaI1E/WOaLpC-JjuI/AAAAAAAANfM/26GTX-av0XYhp_q3j8Hs5M_5HdQuFu99ACLcB/s320/DSCN7032.JPG" width="249" /></a>There was some rather interesting artwork around in display cases etc and I had a little time so, photoholic nerd that I am, I couldn't resist snapping some pictures. Even as a patient I'm a tourist! Of course on the day of surgery I wouldn't be in the mood for sight-seeing so I figured I'd enjoy the scenery while I wasn't in full-on terror mode.<br />
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When I see something cute/weird/interesting I literally HAVE to take a picture. It's imperative. Like it physically hurts if I don't. And I always have my camera on me in case of emergency photo ops. So there I was. And some people did look at me a bit strangely but come on! It isn't every day that you get to see a Chihuahua Michael Jackson or a Pope Guinea Pig, vines growing out of an antique typewriter, words spelled entirely out of toothpicks "So worth it!" etc.) Or maybe it is, but I don't get out much and I found it strange.<br />
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I'm directionaly impaired at the best of times so of course in a massive building like this with seemingly endless wings and labyrinthine hallways, I got lost. Like a rat in a maze I tried to follow signs. I asked for directions and was led on a wild goose chase up and down floors. Each person I asked only knew about their own section and not the others. No one seemed to know where I was supposed to go for my pre-op appointment. The hospital was still too new I guess. Or maybe everyone just stays in their own area and never ventures out into the rest of the airport (I mean hospital.) In the end I found my destination. The surgical outpatient section was under the stairs. (Once I found this out I just had to locate stairs and then go under them. Even I could manage that!)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HiRjHf5m59M/WOaMPqq-FII/AAAAAAAANfY/F5v0tpEsuDcAYBir-ZHkghHLz8lhf1BdgCLcB/s1600/IMG_0775%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HiRjHf5m59M/WOaMPqq-FII/AAAAAAAANfY/F5v0tpEsuDcAYBir-ZHkghHLz8lhf1BdgCLcB/s320/IMG_0775%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" width="240" /></a>I finally found where I needed to go and waited in the nicest waiting room ever with glass partitions etched with giant floral photos. I snapped a selfie when no one was looking (yes I'm a total nerd. Don't judge me. This is the Instagram generation! Though I mostly use Twitter myself!) I handed in my paperwork and confirmed all the information about my address etc. I wound up explaining a little about my strange life when the woman commented on the various addresses for home, work, doctor etc. I explained that yes I commute all over hell's half acre because I live in one city, work in another, have my childcare (and doctor and hospital) in another... Some days I drive an hour to drop Michelle off, drive another hour to work, work 12 hours, drive an hour to pick Michelle up, drive another hour back home to take her to school, sleep two hours then pick her up, drive 2 hours, work 12 hours drive 2 hours...Lather, rinse, repeat. Running on less than empty. It's crazy but it's my life for now. All because I'm a control freak and refuse to leave Michelle with a stranger for an entire day an hour away from me. On the plus side at least driving 4 hours a day burns 560 calories! (Yes I'm still counting.) I admit it's far from an ideal situation. I'm managing (or trying to) for now. In the future hopefully I can find a more sustainable option that won't land me in an early grave.<br />
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I was then sent for x-rays and a blood test. I didn't faint for the needle but at least they let me lie down which helped. The next waiting room had a FIREPLACE IN IT (?! I know, right?!) which I'd never seen in a hospital waiting room so I grabbed a selfie there too like a complete nerd. I was still nervous about surgery but I was happy that if I had to have it somewhere it might as well be in the nicest hospital I've ever seen!<br />
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At the pre-op appointment they gave me a prescription for a freezing gel to put on my breast the morning of surgery. I thought that was a great idea and certainly preferable to a needle! Of course they'd still be using a needle but maybe I wouldn't feel it so much with the gel? (That, it would turn out, was unfortunately just wishful thinking.)<br />
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I walked around and took a few more photos of the hospital before leaving. There was something vaguely reassuring about seeing the hospital before going there for surgery. It became a less intimidating place. I felt more at home. And I did stop for an iced cappuccino before I left. Had I known how expensive the parking was going to be I may not have lingered so long. $17?! What the?! I didn't even think I was there that long but I found out after that that was the daily max which was a relief because if being there 2 hours cost $17 I figured being there all day for surgery would be like $1 million dollars. (And this is why the hospital is so nice. They GOUGE you for parking! LOL)<br />
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The pre-op appointment helped to ease my fears somewhat before surgery. At least I was going to be in a beautiful hospital and I was going to have my sister with me for moral support (and as my designated driver since I'd be on drugs and in no condition to drive apparently.) May graciously invited me to stay overnight before surgery and for a day or two afterward. I always love visiting with May. She ALWAYS makes me laugh. It was sort of a nice day so we even sat outside for a bit. Then we watched a movie to take my mind off things, "The Maze Runner." It was really cool and a nice escape from reality for a while. It was the first "grown up" movie I'd seen in a long time. (I pretty much just watch animated films with Michelle.) A sci-fi film with monsters and everything was a nice change.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CLGA_5lYEGg/WOxO5NNjTkI/AAAAAAAANhY/-iwWuKFKWzIPIBfmG0Cf5_OePY6a50ELACLcB/s1600/IMG_0845.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CLGA_5lYEGg/WOxO5NNjTkI/AAAAAAAANhY/-iwWuKFKWzIPIBfmG0Cf5_OePY6a50ELACLcB/s320/IMG_0845.JPG" width="239" /></a>Being with May makes me feel safe. My Mom is pessimistic and a bit of a catastrophist (spell check is telling me that's not a word but spell check has never met my mother!) so talking to her (especially about anything medical!) always stresses me out further. In contrast, May always manages to calm me down. And she would be my guardian angel. Staying with me the whole time. My appointment was in the afternoon but I had to be there in the morning. I didn't get much sleep the night before. I couldn't stop thinking/worrying. I managed to survive my shower with the "detergent." The morning arrived and we were on our way. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup. At least that saved some time but I felt a little uneasy since I really hadn't left the house without makeup since I was 13 years old. I asked a nurse at the pre-op appointment why they don't let you wear makeup. They weren't operating on my face! She said it was because they had to tape my eyes shut (creepy AF but whatever) for the surgery and didn't want makeup getting all over. I also had to wear loose clothing so I picked a comfy sweatshirt and sweat pants. I was scared but having May with me helped a lot. I had her to talk to while I was waiting. There was a fair bit of waiting.<br />
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I'm so glad May was there. I was a nervous wreck. At one point they took me off on my own and May had to stay in the waiting room. She was going to Tim Hortons to get a coffee while she waited. Then they said she could come along and I was moving to mammography. I was worried they wouldn't find her. The place was so massive it was like a maze. What if she got lost and I never saw her again?! (LOL!) I texted her. "May they're moving me and they said you can come! I hope you don't get lost!" Luckily they found her and she was right there with me again.<br />
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We waited in the hallway for a while and then they brought me into the mammogram room. Unfortunately it was a lot more than a mammogram I was having. It was almost like another biopsy. I had to get needles & have wires inserted into my breast. That didn't sound fun. This time at least I was a little more prepared. After flashbacks of the biopsy and the blocked faceless single mom painting on the wall, I even had the foresight to bring a "happy place" picture to stare at while the procedure was being done. I thought they might think I'm crazy but I didn't care. They actually taped my picture up on the machine so I could stare at it. It was a photo of a hammock under palm trees on the beach from the cover of a travel brochure. They had me focus on that. I warned them that I'm a fainter.<br />
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It was bad. It was almost like the biopsy all over again. They locked me into the machine in a sideways squish (the worst). It was so tight and hurt so bad it was almost worse than a needle. Then came the needles. The freezing gel didn't seem to do a damn thing. I felt EVERYTHING. Tears rolled down my cheeks.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D0G8DkkmWxw/WOxPwb3A6SI/AAAAAAAANh8/5ywhejEMeHgp3gUZalBrIrN_l3ChRBFyQCLcB/s1600/cute%2Bcats%2Bsnap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D0G8DkkmWxw/WOxPwb3A6SI/AAAAAAAANh8/5ywhejEMeHgp3gUZalBrIrN_l3ChRBFyQCLcB/s320/cute%2Bcats%2Bsnap.jpg" width="180" /></a>Two very pretty nurses tried to calm me down. They asked me to look at the beautiful beach photo and pretend I was there. They asked if I'd ever been there. No I've never been to Jamaica. I told them about my trip to Samana years ago (the only actual tropical vacation I've ever been on) and how these days I just go to Port Dover because there are palm trees and I can pretend I'm somewhere tropical. Despite the happy place picture and the kind, supportive nurses talking and the attempted mind over matter, I fainted. Everything went sparkly and yellow. I felt so hot. I was sweating. They suggested taking off my boots (I had little short boots on. It was still winter outside after all though we had glimpses of Spring here and there.) Taking my boots and socks off helped more than I can describe. It cooled me down almost instantly. I was so glad when the procedure was done. It was hell. It was almost worse than the biopsy if such a thing is possible. That stupid freezing gel I'd put on my breast that morning didn't do a bloody thing. I felt EVERYTHING all too keenly. At least I survived it. Now I had wires sticking out of my breast. From what I gathered they were marking the spot around the lump that had to be removed? At least the worst was over. I would be asleep for the surgery. So no more of this "being tortured while awake" stuff because frankly it's for the birds!<br />
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I was relieved to be back with May again. I told her what I'd been through. She winced. I really didn't know it was going to be that bad. Now I was sitting in the hallway again with my boots in my hands. A nurse told May to take them. Then someone took them instead and added them to my bag of property (there was a room where I got undressed from the waist up and left my coat and sweatshirt in a bag with my name on it. I was wearing a hospital bracelet with a bar code on it. I felt sort of strange having a bar code. Like I was just a product to be scanned at the grocery store.)<br />
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And finally it was almost time for surgery. I just wanted it over with. A nurse told me that maybe they could just wait until the surgery to hook up the IV. I said I'd prefer it that way since I'd already fainted and was really over being poked with sharp objects while I was awake. The anaesthetist introduced herself, the surgeon came to say hi and it was almost time to go in. May wished me well and said she'd be waiting for me. When I was wheeled into the operating room it was freezing cold. I was put on a table shaped like a T with my arms spread out beside me like I was a bird or a butterfly being pinned to a board. Far from being too hot now I was FREEZING. I was shivering, my teeth literally chattering but then they put those wonderful hot blankets over my legs and arms! It was so comforting. A nurse came in to put the IV in. "This will be sharp," she said with a trace of a British accent. Somehow it was better for her just to be honest about it. No pep talks. No sugar coating it. No "it doesn't hurt -- it's like a bee sting" BS! And while it was sharp at least it wasn't long and I started to feel OK. I think they were injecting me with drugs too so I was quickly ceasing to care/worry about anything at all. It was so bright in the operating room with the bright lights overhead. I liked the light. Almost like my Happy Light. There were a lot of people in there. All in scrubs, with masks on their faces. Ordinarily I might freak out but somehow I felt safe. (Probably it was the drugs making me relax but the warm/hot blankets were nice too.) Before I knew it I was out...<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LdpO0rLQqzY/WOxO5xpG_uI/AAAAAAAANhc/sVGi_4JRZucEYGITRxMGYhwdaHtBmjrVwCLcB/s1600/IMG_0843.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LdpO0rLQqzY/WOxO5xpG_uI/AAAAAAAANhc/sVGi_4JRZucEYGITRxMGYhwdaHtBmjrVwCLcB/s320/IMG_0843.JPG" width="239" /></a>Next thing I knew I woke up and it was all over!!! What a relief! A nurse asked me if I had any allergies.<br />
"Sulfa, " I said, "and PAIN. I'm allergic to pain." I was sort of kidding. Not.<br />
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They must have taken me seriously though because they prescribed me a hard core narcotic (highly addictive opioid) painkiller -- hydromorphone (a form of morphine). I was grateful for a strong painkiller. I definitely didn't want to feel ANY pain! AT ALL!<br />
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Even though I looked like a bag of Hell I couldn't resist the photo op so I had May snap a post-op thumbs up shot of me. I'm smiling but you can't really tell. I look sort of dead and I'm stained with that red soap (after me showering twice in it per instructions they still covered me in detergent themselves apparently!) but I'm so happy and grateful it's over and I survived!<br />
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I was ABSOLUTELY STARVING! I couldn't wait to get something to eat back at May's. I had gone the whole day (until dinnertime now) without anything. I wasn't allowed to eat past midnight the night before and I wasn't even allowed to drink anything (not even WATER) past 7 am that morning! This was tough for me. Usually I have a drink with me AT ALL TIMES and I need to eat every couple of hours or I feel weak/faint. So I was beyond starving and thirsty by the time I came out of surgery. They gave me apple juice and a cookie which was like the greatest treat ever and I gobbled it up. (Even though I don't even like apple juice it was a treat when I was SOOO thirsty. And the bland cookies were scrumptious!) Shane was going to be barbecuing steaks. I was so psyched. A nurse warned me that I might be nauseous after the anaesthetic and likely wouldn't feel like anything heavy. She thought I'd want to stick to soup or something light for dinner. I almost said "Oh HELL NO! My brother in law is barbecuing steaks and I am ALL OVER IT!" She obviously underestimated me. I wasn't remotely nauseated. I was soooooooooo HUNGRY!!!<br />
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My steak, medium well done, baked potato and caesar salad was a thing of beauty and I had to capture the moment! I can't even describe how happy I was at May's after the surgery. It was like winning the lottery! Hanging out with my best friend, laughing and snapping selfies (silly snaps with Shannon's i-phone as you can see some examples above!) and then having a delicious dinner. It was Heaven! I was also on drugs so I was feeling no pain. Nor did I want to so I kept taking the meds every 4 hours whether I felt pain or not. They were tiny little blue pills. It said to take 1 or 2 every 4-6 hours. I just took 1 because they did seem pretty strong. I felt a bit dizzy/wobbly on them. It was probably good that I wasn't allowed to drive for at least 24 hours and had to take it easy for the week. The side effects mentioned a "high feeling." Yup.<br />
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I was grateful to May and Shane for their hospitality. Going to Auntie May's is always one of Michelle's favourite places. It's mine too. I hoped Michelle wouldn't be too upset she had to miss out. I called her to let her know I was OK and would see her soon. I told her we'd visit Auntie May together another time. Mama just needed to recuperate right now. I also told her I wouldn't be able to carry her for a while. If she fell asleep in the car I'd have to wake her and make her walk. I couldn't put a strain on my chest for a few weeks.<br />
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May agreed to watch Dancing With the Stars with me. I even got her to take a photo of me with Nick Viall on screen. I am a die hard Reality TV junkie. The Bachelor franchise is my favourite but I also love Dancing with the Stars (especially when Bachelor alum dance on it!) Survivor etc. Watching TV with May is a blast. We have the same sense of humour and were in stitches (no pun intended!) laughing at things on the show, even commercials etc. There were a lot of awesome dancers and Nick did pretty well too! I wished I could always watch my shows with May. Normally I just watch and tweet them on Twitter, which is fun too. But hanging with May is the most fun of all. No one makes me laugh like she does!<br />
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It was great staying at May's after the surgery. I wound up staying with my Mom for another day as well. It was a good thing because I was pretty loopy on the drugs and driving for an hour back home would not have been good. I still felt a little buzzed when I did finally make my way home. My Mom was concerned I was going to become addicted to opioids. There was no way I'd let that happen. I didn't want to feel pain but I wasn't going to keep taking them longer than I needed. I weaned myself off the pain killers gradually -- from every 4 hours to every 6, 8, 10, then once a day and finally not at all. I didn't have too many withdrawal effects aside from headaches/irritability (but that may just have been my life too.) Luckily I didn't have too much pain -- more of a discomfort and I just took regular Tylenol to help when it got bad.<br />
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The first time I showered after surgery (I was supposed to wait until the end of the week) and was allowed to remove the bandage I fainted. It was pretty ghastly. I was feeling a little weak anyway. It just looked awful and discoloured and was bleeding and didn't seem fit to be uncovered so I put a fresh band-aid on it for a while. I kept checking the scar obsessively to see if it had gotten better or worse. I was relieved when it started to heal. I put Bio-Oil on it just in case because I had some from when I was pregnant (though I didn't use it regularly enough to prevent stretch marks unfortunately) and thought it couldn't hurt. The Bio-Oil was almost like magic. My wound was sort of a raised lump, all puffy and sticking up and after one day of the Bio-Oil it seemed to shrink and go flat! It may have just been a coincidence but I was pretty impressed. The bruising was pretty bad but that didn't worry me as much as the actual scar. I tend to bruise easily.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O6K7CARbi3M/WP4JLCkrB8I/AAAAAAAANkU/SatWoowXT5QAPOs6n-_OpbcrXT1PU6xkwCEw/s1600/DSCN6693.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O6K7CARbi3M/WP4JLCkrB8I/AAAAAAAANkU/SatWoowXT5QAPOs6n-_OpbcrXT1PU6xkwCEw/s320/DSCN6693.JPG" width="320" /></a>I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with the surgeon in 10 to 14 days. I called his office and booked the appointment. I was a little nervous after the consultation but really hoping everything would come back OK from pathology.<br />
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When I walked into his office the surgeon asked "How are you doing?"<br />
"I think I'm OK but you tell me!" I joked.<br />
He smiled. He seemed infinitely friendlier than the first time I had met him and he delivered the news I wanted to hear this time.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mWQbPdo6Q3E/WP4JL0mYlpI/AAAAAAAANkU/FW6rmXjHnZUUWg2g7W4ai85l-cpn6mlQACEw/s1600/DSCN6691.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mWQbPdo6Q3E/WP4JL0mYlpI/AAAAAAAANkU/FW6rmXjHnZUUWg2g7W4ai85l-cpn6mlQACEw/s320/DSCN6691.JPG" width="281" /></a>"The pathology came back excellent! No cancer. You are cured! No further treatments needed. You just need to have a mammogram in a year."<br />
I was THRILLED. Soooo happy and relieved and grateful. I told him that I was pretty anxious before the surgery but so relieved now. He said it was understandable. He asked if I had any questions. I told him actually I was curious to see if I was healing normally... So I showed him my scar. He said that it was "lovely" (I thought that was a bit of a stretch!) and healing quite nicely. The bruising almost seemed to get worse instead of better. He said bruises tend to be black and blue then change to purple, green, yellow. It was at the green and yellow stage. I told him I'd been using Bio-Oil and he said to continue to do so for 6 months to reduce the appearance of the scar. I walked out of his office on Cloud 9. I had been so scared, so worried and now I was so relieved it was over with. And I was still me. I just had this scar which was in a spot that would still be covered by a bikini when Summer came (yes I tried a couple on to be sure!)</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SNeV1v08Iro/WP4JL5lPjGI/AAAAAAAANkU/IhUlZ9B2-ZkVD4j_AdqRpx3dJA3kqtMtQCEw/s1600/DSCN6692.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SNeV1v08Iro/WP4JL5lPjGI/AAAAAAAANkU/IhUlZ9B2-ZkVD4j_AdqRpx3dJA3kqtMtQCEw/s320/DSCN6692.JPG" width="320" /></a>I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted to hold onto that good feeling of course things kept going wrong and trying to annoy me. I tried to keep my zen. It never seems to last long. It's like when I do yoga -- I feel so balanced and calm while I'm doing it but then life happens to knock me off balance. I get tired, irritated, frustrated. Lack of sleep, daily annoyances (traffic, things going wrong etc. ) Some days I'm able to ward off the negative feelings. I think "No way! Nothing is bringing me down!" but then somehow it does. Being tired most of the time makes everything else more difficult to deal with. And let's face it, life isn't perfect. Something always goes wrong.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HZfp13wLQpM/WNqCLlWEG-I/AAAAAAAANcc/n7HUyQj-vo8sJqnrWZuydQqh0kahsU9TwCLcB/s1600/DSCN6629.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HZfp13wLQpM/WNqCLlWEG-I/AAAAAAAANcc/n7HUyQj-vo8sJqnrWZuydQqh0kahsU9TwCLcB/s320/DSCN6629.JPG" width="249" /></a>Anyway now that all that surgery business is out of the way, here's the rest of what happened in February and March!<br />
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I have a few "happy places." One of them is the beach. Of course that's out of reach until the Summer (unless I win the lottery and can fly to Hawaii...) Another one is the Butterfly Conservatory -- and the great thing about it is that it's ALWAYS a tropical paradise, year round. So when I want a taste of Summer we can always go in there. I love everything about it. The warm weather, the beautiful tropical plants, the butterflies of course and most of all THE PHOTO OPS! It is photoholic HEAVEN and I always snap pictures like a fiend. I usually dress Michelle and myself for the occasion (like a total nerd). Yes we were both wearing butterflies. And we wound up wearing real butterflies as well... (PHOTO GOLD! LOL)<br />
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The obligatory selfie with butterfly and Michelle! Yes it had to be done. Michelle is pretty good about posing for photos. She does eventually lose patience and sigh a little but she understands that I have no choice. And she loves the Butterfly Conservatory too. She gets that posing for a thousand pictures is just part and parcel of going on a fun outing with Mom! My Mom didn't take a lot of photos when we were kids but she didn't take us on a lot of outings either (mostly just tagging along for shopping trips.)<br />
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I can tell that Michelle is losing patience in this photo. I didn't quite get a smile more like a half-hearted smirk but it's still cute and it's not blurry so I'm happy! I take photos with both cameras -- my Nikon and my i-phone because each has advantages. Neither is perfect. The quality on the i-phone isn't the best. Then again my Nikon lens is scratched so it can be tricky too...<br />
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It's always pretty crowded at the Conservatory so it can be tricky to set up the timer without getting photobombed but somehow I managed. Set it up, countdown from 10 and hope for the best! It almost looks like we had the place to ourselves (which was far from the case!)<br />
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My Mom thinks that I spoil Michelle and take her on too many outings, to too many movies etc. Well she's my only child and I'm going to spoil her. "She won't even remember all this!" my Mom tried to say.<br />
"Yes she will!" I challenged her, "and I have all this photographic evidence to show her all the places I took her! Look what a lucky girl you were! Look at all the fun things we did!"<br />
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Spoiled girl that she is, Michelle pretty much gets whatever she asks for (within reason.) I can't give her a pony or a $300 pink car or a trip to Disney World but I can surely take her to the Butterfly Conservatory or the indoor playground when she wants to go! She always has a ball. I enjoy taking photos of her and I try to relax a little while she's running around but I usually wind up semi-hovering and trying to follow her every move just in case...<br />
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It's always insanely crowded in there. Any time you go. Especially if it's a weekend and the weather is crappy outside (so ALL WINTER basically.) They do birthday parties as well so there is usually a huge group of kids running amok for the party, on top of all the regular kids running amok for no special occasion. Still, stubborn bull that I am I manage to set up the timer and snap a photo of Michelle and I without anyone running in front of us. And yes I am the only person left on the planet that does this. EVERYONE else just takes pictures with their phone. I see them doing it and I try with mine but the quality is never good. Michelle was always blurry (I didn't know how to turn the flash on the camera by the way I just learned that a week ago!) And it's a little too close for selfies. I'm old school. I like my old camera with the timer. I gotta be me!<br />
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And I managed to get a picture of us with the elephants once the crowd thinned out a bit. Because how can you pass up a photo with an elephant or two?! It's in the toddler area so we don't spend much time there aside from snapping a photo. I remember when Michelle was a baby and I tried taking her there for the first time on the baby slide etc. It was a bit of a catastrophe and she hated it and just cried. When I see a parent with a young child screaming and not having fun at all I look at them sympathetically. If they're nearby I even tell them "They will learn to love it eventually!"<br />
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And then there's a gazelle. "Say cheese!" I said and Michelle finally complied. Sometimes she realizes that if she just gives me the perfect shot I won't have to take anymore...<br />
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"OK. That's a keeper!"<br />
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I do notice more people taking pictures than ever. It's the cellphone generation. Most people wouldn't carry their camera everywhere in the old days (of course I always did!) but everyone has their phone with a camera in it so there's nothing to stop them from recording every moment of their lives! And sites like Instagram encourage them to do so. (I still use Instagram only rarely because I'm not a big cellphone person... Twitter is my favourite site because I can use it on my computer at home. It just seems to be the most user-friendly and it's become such a habit for me.)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FR7J6luOdjc/WP4IQFdCkkI/AAAAAAAANj0/iMPmsofzHJAZ_QtTzTFCVr_iqKDkQjIygCLcB/s1600/Math%2Bnight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FR7J6luOdjc/WP4IQFdCkkI/AAAAAAAANj0/iMPmsofzHJAZ_QtTzTFCVr_iqKDkQjIygCLcB/s320/Math%2Bnight.jpg" width="320" /></a>Michelle's school was having a "Math Night." Ordinarily that sounds like the opposite of something I'd want to do but then I thought it might be good to find new ways to incorporate learning numbers through games etc. While Michelle excels with letters and reading (because that's her interest and mine.) She hasn't had as much practice with numbers. Math was never my strong suit. I still got 80% in it in high school but I struggled with it (I remember sitting at the kitchen table in tears with 3 hours worth of math problems to do and wanting to tear my hair out.) So as soon as I didn't have to take it anymore (when it became really fancy and branched out into Calculus etc) I stopped taking it. English, Art and Drama were my favourites.<br />
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The Math Night was supposed to be divided into kids and adults -- the kids would play math-related games in a classroom while the parents sat and listened to a lecture from a math teacher about how to get your kids to use numbers. Michelle didn't want to leave my side though so she sat with me in the library and listened to the lecture. I did play games with her at home as suggested -- card games like Old Maid, dice games as well as Snakes and Ladders and Trouble -- games that made her count, recognize numbers etc. It's such a cliche that girls don't like math and science. I want Michelle to be well-rounded and encourage her to learn everything but at the same time she does lean toward art and reading/writing (as I did.)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MKqBWaQkwFA/WP4Ii2eb-RI/AAAAAAAANj4/F93MwpCJ0MQ1An0dLxpjCpSXBKOIhQdPACLcB/s1600/DSCN6613.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline; float: left; height: 313px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; width: 233px;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MKqBWaQkwFA/WP4Ii2eb-RI/AAAAAAAANj4/F93MwpCJ0MQ1An0dLxpjCpSXBKOIhQdPACLcB/s320/DSCN6613.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle LOVES art and I adore her artwork. My favourites are always her portraits of us and her notes -- I love you Mama. Though I don't have a man in my life I knew that I could count on Michelle to give me Valentines. She made me this sweet portrait of us with insanely big hair (I'm not sure why we always end up looking like Rapunzel. I wish I had half this much hair!)<br />
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Her teacher(s) commented on Michelle's artwork, her reading and writing skills. They also said what a sweet, kind, helpful girl she is with the other kids. Though they don't call it a "report card" in junior kindergarten I did get a progress report on how she's doing and was proud to hear that she's doing very well. Ironically the day I got her report card I got one as well at work! I hadn't had a performance appraisal in years and then all of a sudden I got one the same day as Michelle's. Luckily mine was overwhelmingly positive as well. It was nice to hear, especially since I'd been struggling lately working so many more hours and dealing with my insane commute etc. It's not often that you hear "You're doing a good job," so once in a while reassurance is nice.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Wg9Arq_NFU/WP4LCeaB2wI/AAAAAAAANko/1mam_R4-fAseO3RtPU1XHhQwe_FGwC4RgCLcB/s1600/DSCN6698.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Wg9Arq_NFU/WP4LCeaB2wI/AAAAAAAANko/1mam_R4-fAseO3RtPU1XHhQwe_FGwC4RgCLcB/s320/DSCN6698.JPG" width="320" /></a>Yes Michelle was my Valentine. I spoiled her as usual with chocolates and stuffies and a few toys. I can't resist. She's always so appreciative of everything and it's fun buying things for her. I love to make her happy. I think part of it is also my guilt for all the things I can't give her -- a father, siblings etc. My guilt at having to leave her when I go to work (now much more often with my new schedule...) I think it's a Mom thing to just feel guilty that no matter what you do, it's not enough. Or maybe it's a woman thing. Or maybe it's just my thing. But I want to give Michelle the world and of course I can't. So I do what I can.</div>
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I love Michelle so much and I'm glad that she's such a sweet, sensitive girl and so affectionate. She's always saying she loves me, always hugging me. I know that everyone is different. Some people are not affectionate/demonstrative and don't show their kids that much attention. To me, you can't give your child too much love and attention. If they feel safe and loved that is the best gift that you can give them. Some would argue too much attention can make them dependent. I think it's the opposite. A child that is loved feels fulfilled and doesn't worry, therefore feels more self-assured. Michelle is strong and confident. She's becoming more and more independent. Besides, to me, if you're cold and unemotional with your kids you'll raise a cold, unemotional kid and as far as I'm concerned, there are already far too many of those in the world. I think having some of us out there who have a heart and wear it on our sleeves makes the world a better place!<br />
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Michelle loves stuffies. I always did as well. Even as an adult I have a thing for Teddy Bears if I'm being honest! Now at least I have an excuse to buy them, for her! She has amassed quite a collection of bears, bunnies, cats (you name it!) Many of them were passed down from me, others she's gotten for birthdays, Christmas and other occasions (or sometimes no occasion at all, just because!) Michelle always brings a stuffed animal with her for car rides etc. She'll pick a favourite and carry it around for a week or so then move on to something else. I remember when she was a baby she had a pink monkey that had to go EVERYWHERE with her and she couldn't sleep without it. I panicked when I couldn't find it. So maybe it's better if she's fickle and doesn't get too attached to any one toy.<br />
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As a treat I ordered a heart shaped pizza. I love Pizza! Sure he's a little cheesy but he's hot and delicious and I'm always happy when he shows up at my door! That was my Valentine's gift to myself! LOL<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eRuCijy8hHk/WP4M5yGW43I/AAAAAAAANlM/ohV314DA5NUVcFqBFusPoTVr6SQNnNMXACLcB/s1600/DSCN6737%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eRuCijy8hHk/WP4M5yGW43I/AAAAAAAANlM/ohV314DA5NUVcFqBFusPoTVr6SQNnNMXACLcB/s320/DSCN6737%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a>Sh#$ happens. You just never know what/when it will happen. One day I went to check the thermostat because the house seemed a little chillier than I thought it should be. Sure enough it was lower than I had set it. WTF?! I checked in the basement. It sounded like the furnace was trying to go but heat wasn't coming out. I tried turning it off and on again (because as I said before this is the extent of my technical abilities!) Tried flipping the switch. No go. Then I noticed a light flashing on the furnace. Something was wrong. "You have GOT to be kidding me?!" I called the repair place that had JUST FIXED MY FRIGGIN FURNACE in January. They said to check with my gas company. So I called Union Gas. It turns out someone accidentally cut a main gas line (?!) and 500 homes were affected. They would be going door to door to turn the gas back on but understandably that would take some time. I was glad at least it wasn't a REALLY cold day so we weren't freezing (though I did still have the space heater from when the furnace broke (on one of the coldest weekends of the winter). I called my Mom and my sister. They couldn't believe it. This could only happen to me (and 499 other people in my neighbourhood!) When a man showed up at my door I'd been expecting him and gladly let him in to restore heat to my home. He said he'd been called out from out of town to meet the demand. </div>
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Toys R Us often has crafts and activities for kids on Saturday mornings. We usually can't get out of the house early enough on the weekend (it's hard enough getting out in time for school during the week) to make it but sometimes we do. They were having a "Troll" craft day and Michelle was in a real "Trolls" phase (we got the movie and it became her new favourite. She wanted to watch it every single day. Sometimes twice a day. She also wanted to pretend she was Poppy and I had to pretend to be Branch -- role playing is something Michelle loves and she almost CONSTANTLY asks me to act as her favourite movie characters -- usually MALE. For a long time I had to be Dracula from Hotel Transylvania which I hated because she'd call me Daddy (which makes my teeth itch. I finally had to tell her I don't like hearing that. That I'm her Mama & I don't want to be called Daddy.) I also told her sometimes I just want to be myself for a minute! (Though one time I told her that she literally counted to 60 and asked me again "How about now Mama?")<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xTDd-RE_4xs/WP4NDpWh3FI/AAAAAAAANlY/CLRrPb6YKdc8eWMNC0VTreo1jpwfR1CdACLcB/s1600/DSCN6760.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xTDd-RE_4xs/WP4NDpWh3FI/AAAAAAAANlY/CLRrPb6YKdc8eWMNC0VTreo1jpwfR1CdACLcB/s320/DSCN6760.JPG" width="274" /></a>The role playing isn't my favourite game. It's probably my least favourite. When I'm exhausted (basically most of the time!) the last thing I want to do is summon the energy to act out a character (usually male). At least Branch from Trolls was on the grumpier side so I could somewhat relate to him!<br />
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I prefer playing games, doing puzzles together, drawing, dressing up, reading together etc. And when the weather is nice I love going to the park. So does Michelle. Luckily once in a while, even in February we got lucky and had a nice day where we could get some fresh air and sunshine for a change. When you've been cooped up for so long over the dark cold bleak winter season, this is quite a treat!<br />
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And Michelle loves to ride her bike. I'm not sure at what age she'll feel comfortable (or I'll feel comfortable) removing her training wheels but certainly not yet! It's something every kid has to go through and it's the only way you learn but I'm really dreading her falling off her bike and scraping her legs. I remember learning to ride a bike and at first thinking it seemed impossible but suddenly getting my balance and it was such an amazing feeling of freedom and independence! As much as I want that for Michelle I don't want her to get hurt and I'm going to be a nervous wreck! I really don't know how I'll deal with it (and with many other milestones to come) but then again I didn't know how I'd handle most of the things I had to go through while Michelle was a baby and a toddler. Somehow you just do because you have no choice. When you're a worrier and a control freak, having a child is sort of terrifying because it's like your heart, someone that's more important than your own life, is out there and vulnerable and you have to protect them at the same time that you let them go and explore the world and possibly get hurt in the process. It's tough.<br />
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Michelle wanted to see Lego Batman. That made one of us... I have to be honest. It wouldn't have been my first choice (or even my tenth!) I tried to talk her out of it. She wasn't even that keen on the Lego movie never mind a Batman Lego movie but she was determined. She also reminded me of the fact that she had met Batman at a fair once and nearly broke his hand (because he asked for a high five and she was a little overzealous. She was quite proud of the fact that she nearly maimed a superhero!) I decided to go for Michelle's sake and I was actually pleasantly surprised. It was very entertaining and had me laughing a lot. Like most animated films, they throw in enough adult humour to make it interesting. I loved the sarcasm. Also, any movie in 3D is visually stimulating. It really draws you in. Of course after the movie Michelle was obsessed with Batman and wanted me to play Batman (while she was Batgirl.) I tried to make my voice sound as deep as Will Arnett's. She ALWAYS wants me to play the male character. I know part of it is probably because she doesn't have a father figure in her life. But I have a hard enough time trying to be Mama. It's tough to have to be Dad too. And a superhero at that.<br />
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I thought once Michelle learned to swing on her own that I'd be off the hook but she still wants me to push her. Sometimes my arms and back are aching but I still do it (it must be a workout at least -- I should check how many calories it actually burns.) At least I do get to relax a little when she runs around and goes on the slide. I sit on the bench and watch her. Sitting in the sunshine watching my girl laugh and play is the highlight of my life! It's one of the main reasons I love going to the beach in the Summer. Michelle misses it too. Even in the dead of winter she was asking about going to the beach. I told her not until the weather is warm. Maybe late May if we're lucky? You just never know. In late May they bring the palm trees back to our favourite beach... Something to look forward to on those cold grey winter days.<br />
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Family Day has been around (in Ontario) less than a decade. I guess the government invented it so Canadians could have a holiday to coincide with President's Day and also (theoretically) to give people a day off to spend with their family. I had to work this Family Day (as I often have to work holidays) but I did get to spend a little time with Michelle and my Mom and Dad before I had to leave. Michelle said to me recently that the good thing about going to Grandma's is that she gets to visit with Grandma & Grandpa but the bad thing is that I have to go to work and she misses me. It's one of the reasons I go through my insane commute. If I can't be with her then I want someone watching her that loves her almost as much as I do. (Well no one could possibly love her as much as I do but my parents are a close second I guess!)<br />
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One day her teacher showed me a drawing Michelle had done of her playing ball with her Grandpa. She even wrote the description herself. It was so adorable! I love her creative spellings (actually pretty good guesses!) I'll get to keep her book at the end of the year but for now the teacher has it. She let me take a picture of it at least. I showed my dad and he laughed. I told the teacher "That actually even looks like my dad! He's bald with a mustache! Perfect likeness!" Michelle has started writing words and sentences and it is THRILLING! Watching her reading skills improve was amazing enough. Now that she can actually write her own words is awesome! I do try to correct her spelling but the English language is confusing and let's face it -- there are a lot of ADULTS who can't spell, let alone a 4 year old! I blame the internet! LOL No one really cares about spelling anymore. When I was in school if you misspelled a word you had to write it out 30 times until it was tattooed on your brain. I don't think they do that anymore.<br />
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I love this photo of Michelle and her furry older sister Ali! Michelle loves Ali. Ali loves her too though she does have a bit of a temper. I have to tell Michelle to be careful because Ali still has her claws and when she gets mad, you might get hurt! I'm always snapping photos and trying to get the perfect shot but usually Ali looks away or Michelle isn't smiling or something goes wrong. Then sometimes I just get lucky. I love Michelle's huge grin and Ali's less than enthused expression (you can almost hear her sighing.) It perfectly sums up their relationship. Ali endures Michelle's excited antics and hugs etc but would probably mostly prefer to just take a nap. (Which she does much of the time. But it's a cat thing -- Cats sleep an average of 12-16 hours a day, which sounds pretty sweet! Yes cats have it made. I think of them as the supermodels of the animal kingdom. They just have to sit around and look pretty and people take care of them. Nice work if you can get it!)<br />
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Before we knew it, it was March. </div>
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Michelle had been to a birthday party before but I'd been fortunate enough to be invited to stick around. This time I had to drop her off at the party and leave. I was sort of a nervous wreck even though the kid's parents seemed very nice and I wasn't too far away and they had my number and I had theirs. I talked to a couple of other Moms outside and they were feeling some of the same anxiety so I felt a little better. And in a way it was nice to have a couple of hours to myself. I thought that maybe one day I could feel comfortable leaving Michelle with a babysitter... Of course leaving her for a couple of hours just a few minutes away from me is a MASSIVE LEAP away from leaving her for an ENTIRE DAY, an hour's drive or more away from me. And having someone else wake her, get her ready for school, get her breakfast, take her to school, pick her up, get her dinner... (Umm...Yeah, no. I am NOWHERE NEAR being able to trust a stranger to do all that but...) Baby steps... At least I survived my first time away from her (other than school) and she had a ball at the party.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9e0HiM-BfWY/WP4T8Gt_QpI/AAAAAAAANpU/GuAjXKPIP0QdhL2N10kfrHNF-kwN95LxQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0763.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9e0HiM-BfWY/WP4T8Gt_QpI/AAAAAAAANpU/GuAjXKPIP0QdhL2N10kfrHNF-kwN95LxQCLcB/s320/IMG_0763.JPG" width="292" /></a>Sometimes when I'm really lucky I get to snap a selfie with BOTH my girls and everyone's actually looking and smiling...well maybe not Ali but close enough! I love Michelle's smile here! She was actually laughing at Ali. That's the one thing I like about the cellphone camera. You can actually see what you're taking on the screen. My Mom mocks me "Do you HAVE to take a picture EVERY DAY!"</div>
"Yes!" I argue. Though it isn't EVERY day. I have cut back quite a bit. And some days I just don't feel up to it. As far as I'm concerned you can't take too many photos. I never regret the ones I take, only all the ones that I missed. Life goes by so quickly. My girl is growing up so fast. So what if I take a photo every day? Then I can look back and relive all these days with her.<br />
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The indoor playground is always a hit though now her new fave thing isn't the slide but the swinging thing. At first she cold barely hold on for a second. Now she can hold on and swing the whole way across like Tarzan, looking quite proud of herself I might add! The problem is there is usually a line up of kids wanting to hang on the rope and a lot of them don't seem to get the concept of taking turns and will just keep going and hog it except when I insist they give Michelle a turn. I even tried it myself at one point. I was able to get across but had a hard time. In my defense I'm carrying a lot more body weight than Michelle is! The rope is on a track sliding thing so it's a little easier than say the monkey bars which I can't do at all! I can barely make it to one bar because you have to carry all your body weight on one hand while you reach for the next bar.<br />
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Selfie with Mama and giraffe. Has to be done. Non-negotiable! Michelle doesn't even try to argue with me. I had to wait until it was almost time to go so that the crowd started to dissipate slightly. If I'm being honest photos are almost my favourite part of everything. It's my way of living twice. (Though past boyfriends sometimes tried to argue with me that I couldn't enjoy the moment because I was too busy taking pictures of the moment. I would argue that I actually enjoy the moment even more than they do because I think it's worthy of photographing! And I get to relive it every time I see the picture! At least one of my exes admitted many years later that I was right and he was grateful to have all those photos that I took of his family. So there!) Life is fleeting. Photos are the only way we have of holding on. And I am HOLDING ON!<br />
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Michelle was dying to see the animated film "Ballerina." We kept seeing it advertised and she asked if we could go. I said that as soon as it came out and I had a weekend off we would go. Unlike Lego Batman, this was a movie that I was just as excited as she was to see. A red-haired girl in Paris who becomes a ballerina?! Hell, yes! It was my childhood dream (and probably most little girls' dreams) to be a ballerina AND to go to Paris. At least I got to live out my dream of going to Paris when I was in my 20s.<br />
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The movie did not disappoint. It was beautiful, touching, cute and funny. It was a perfect example of why I love the movies -- you get swept up into this fantasy world and for a couple of hours escape your own life. We both loved it. And of course it made Michelle want to be a ballerina even more than usual. <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xp9lSbGKtvI/WP4VrXjLf-I/AAAAAAAANq4/GxWgVin-uhMDCnRzwJ3nBd7t8Gdv-LWEgCLcB/s1600/DSCN6984.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xp9lSbGKtvI/WP4VrXjLf-I/AAAAAAAANq4/GxWgVin-uhMDCnRzwJ3nBd7t8Gdv-LWEgCLcB/s320/DSCN6984.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle wanted to dress up as a princess/ballerina and dance. She asked me if she could take ballet lessons. I told her that I would try. With my strange schedule it would be tricky (it's different every week so there's no day that works well, she'd inevitably end up missing classes.) I also worry about the cost. I want to encourage Michelle to live out her dreams. I wanted to take ballet (and piano lessons) when I was little but my Mom always said no we couldn't afford it. I want to make Michelle happy no matter what but it will be a challenge for a number of reasons. I will have to research and find out if you can take lessons every other week or take a few lessons just to try it or see how it works. I don't want to invest a huge amount of money only to find that she will miss most of the classes or find she doesn't like it anyway. My Mom thought she was too young for lessons anyway. I told my Mom that when it comes to ballet 4 years is actually the right age. You have to start young while you still have your flexibility.<br />
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Michelle wanted to dress up and dance ballet. I have to admit the thought of her in a tutu and in a class would be a treat for me too -- perfect photo op! I would encourage her in whatever she's interested in but I'm not into sports and as hobbies/lessons/extracurricular activities go, it doesn't get much better than ballet. Still, these days life has been so hectic it's hard to manage the schedule just getting her to school and myself to work, let alone trying to get her to dance classes. She has a couple of books on ballet and was trying the different positions (even I knew some of the positions.) A lot of parents push their children to follow in their footsteps or live out their parents' dreams. I would never push Michelle into something she didn't want to do but I would certainly be happy if she got to live out some of the dreams that I never did. As careers go however, I would still love for her to be a doctor (one of the jobs she mentioned in the past but she's changed her mind many times since.)<br />
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Michelle loves to be the centre of attention. With her expressiveness and flair for the dramatic I can imagine her in show business -- as an actress, dancer, singer etc. Unfortunately I know it's a tough business. I wouldn't want to discourage her but my practical side wants to at least warn her to have a backup plan. For myself, I made a half-hearted (or half-a$$ed!) attempt to live out my dreams but I was never willing to risk it all. I always had a back-up plan, always had a regular job. I was too practical to be the true starving artist. I wanted to be an actress but I didn't move to L.A. (I got a local agent and landed a few modeling gigs/TV commercials etc but didn't get my "big break" and gave up after a year.) I wrote and played music, did some local shows, put out a CD (which got a great review in the paper!) helped set a Guinness World Record (and got my photo on the front of the paper) but let that dream go too when life changed. I painted hundreds of canvases, had a few art shows, sold a few paintings but now rarely pick up a brush. I sent poems out to publishers, had a few published (and even had one reviewed in the National Post!) but then stopped sending anything out. I started a children's book and a novel last year but then I got sick and stopped working on it and now it's hard to find the time/energy. The irony of being an artist is that your sensitivity is what impels you to create to begin with but you lack the thick skin required to be in the toughest career there is. You put your soul out there only to risk rejection (which is almost a guarantee -- any writer, artist or actor will tell you they faced countless rejections and tough times before their big break -- if it ever comes.) It's tough to keep pushing yourself. And when life happens you can tell yourself it's just too hard and you need a real job to pay the bills... But I'm rambling and this is supposed to be about Michelle. The point is I want her to go after her dreams but I don't want her to face rejection and heartbreak. I want her to live her life but I don't want her to get hurt (and living life pretty much guarantees getting hurt... That's the tricky part.)<br />
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Michelle is an artist. She was drawing even as a baby. She has a need to create. She gets it from me of course and I encourage it. I love her happy pictures filled with love and flowers and rainbows. I want to live in that world. When you're a child the world seems beautiful and magical and full of promise. You grow up and become somewhat jaded. If you're lucky, despite the disappointments along the way, you're able to keep some of that childlike sense of wonder.<br />
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Michelle wanted to do a portrait of her unicorn, dragon and ponies. Sometimes she'll ask me for help -- ask me to draw something and then she'll look at my drawing rather than the actual object itself. It's easier to draw from a 2D reference rather than 3D. Usually when Michelle copies my pictures I like hers far better than mine. She worries that she's not as good an artist as I am but I remind her that I am 10 times her age! She's only 4 years old and for her age, her artwork is awesome. I love the way that she interprets things. Every artist has their own style. I love her charming, whimsical version of the world.<br />
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Then one day Michelle surprised me by doing a "Math Book." She had a series of math problems (addition) with the answers. I was impressed that she wanted to do that on her own and had the right answers. My attraction was always to words rather than numbers. Though I still got good grades in high school math, I struggled with it. It didn't come naturally to me and I hated it. It's such a stereotype that girls don't like math. I want Michelle to be well-rounded and to excel in everything.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0-d36AuqJ08/WP4YnjWmNjI/AAAAAAAANsc/DPctP4xi0JEAwsOv2HF_eCDM0M_32j8owCLcB/s1600/DSCN7041.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0-d36AuqJ08/WP4YnjWmNjI/AAAAAAAANsc/DPctP4xi0JEAwsOv2HF_eCDM0M_32j8owCLcB/s200/DSCN7041.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lmTfZeyrB6w/WP4YiFNIJ5I/AAAAAAAANsU/QefgRSDycwUtkRphNp7cZ0k7vpBxwNOIQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0789%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lmTfZeyrB6w/WP4YiFNIJ5I/AAAAAAAANsU/QefgRSDycwUtkRphNp7cZ0k7vpBxwNOIQCLcB/s200/IMG_0789%2B-%2BCopy.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NpYwjU5VPjg/WP4ZKE-dAbI/AAAAAAAANsk/WZ4DRafsdRcQ9sFFZZJwO-sLVL0sL4KTgCLcB/s1600/DSCN7051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NpYwjU5VPjg/WP4ZKE-dAbI/AAAAAAAANsk/WZ4DRafsdRcQ9sFFZZJwO-sLVL0sL4KTgCLcB/s320/DSCN7051.JPG" width="286" /></a>Of course we wore green for St. Patrick's Day! Well I did anyway. Partly because I'm Irish and mostly because I'm just a nerd and dressing according to theme is a must! Especially for photos (and yes, there are always photos!) I didn't have anything green to put on Michelle but she had a green clover beanie bear. We also had a little leprechaun hat for Ali (which she wore for about 30 seconds... long enough to snap these photos!) Michelle instead was wearing a Belle dress for the occasion because we were going to see Beauty and the Beast (the live action version.) We were both psyched for it. It's always been one of my favourite animated Disney movies and I couldn't wait to see how they would reinvent it with real people. From the commercials it looked incredible and pretty faithful to the original but with a little extra. It was also going to be in 3D!</div>
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The movie was EXTRAORDINARY! My expectations were high and they were surpassed! It was beautiful, breathtaking, funny, sweet, just amazing. I also loved how they translated the character of Le Fou, Gaston's fawning friend. They made him gay and it made so much sense. Josh Gad was BRILLIANT. I'm used to just hearing his voice in Disney films (most famously as Olaf in Frozen) so it was awesome to see his face and he really stole the show! Everyone brought their character to life so spectacularly. Michelle loved it too. I'm glad that she can appreciate movies with REAL PEOPLE now. When she was younger it had to be animated or she wasn't having it. The first time I took her to the movies was to the live action Cinderella and it didn't go well. She has since watched it at home and loves it. Lately she has watched movies like "Aquamarine" (a couple of teen girls meet a mermaid,) "Mr Popper's Penguins," "Mary Poppins" and "Nine Lives" and thoroughly enjoys them, whereas before it had to be animated or she wouldn't give it a chance. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SACZcnsAePM/WP4aEjfJUtI/AAAAAAAANtk/dVJ-pbNZ4koopq5rPcRdu2jbyNQnzsSKwCLcB/s1600/DSCN7056.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SACZcnsAePM/WP4aEjfJUtI/AAAAAAAANtk/dVJ-pbNZ4koopq5rPcRdu2jbyNQnzsSKwCLcB/s320/DSCN7056.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dn3vZvOQfsw/WP4aJKj206I/AAAAAAAANto/NpTZTSVF90wHGz4H5IAnJ8gSQzYyBt2tQCLcB/s1600/DSCN7069.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dn3vZvOQfsw/WP4aJKj206I/AAAAAAAANto/NpTZTSVF90wHGz4H5IAnJ8gSQzYyBt2tQCLcB/s320/DSCN7069.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle LOVES dressing up. It's the Princess in her. So every special occasion I put her in a dress. She always feels like the Belle of the ball. I like dressing up now and then too but I don't go to too many balls... It was my cousin Dan's birthday and we were heading to Auntie May's for a visit (which is ALWAYS a ball for both of us!) Michelle gets so excited when we're going to May's but especially when the whole gang is going to be there!<br />
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And we are a BIG GANG! I always insist on getting a group photo. Mike doesn't always make it to family events because he has to come from a lot farther away. Most of us are in the GTA-ish. I love this picture of the group. I manage to sneak in there at the last second after I press the timer and count down from 10. You never know how it will turn out -- if everyone will be looking/smiling etc but this one worked out pretty well I think.<br />
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I always have to take a second one too just to be sure (in case the first one didn't turn out.)<br />
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I wound up loving the second one too. I love how Michelle is resting her head against my head here. And just about everyone is smiling. (Well my dad doesn't so much smile as look bewildered in most pictures and Chris is a tough one to coax a smile out of...)<br />
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Most of the time I feel like I'm on my own with Michelle and somewhat isolated where I live so it's good to get together with the whole family and be reminded that I do have a big support network when I need them. I just wish I lived closer to them. Maybe one day...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BPOhOK55HDI/WP4aPnkKrEI/AAAAAAAANt4/HlF3H5IzIpQ6wVRxdHTpM8TCX5uErr9UACLcB/s1600/Flower%2Bgirls%2BII.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BPOhOK55HDI/WP4aPnkKrEI/AAAAAAAANt4/HlF3H5IzIpQ6wVRxdHTpM8TCX5uErr9UACLcB/s320/Flower%2Bgirls%2BII.jpg" width="222" /></a>May and I had some fun with silly snaps on Shannon's i-phone. May tends to be critical of herself and doesn't like herself in photos. I wanted to get a nice picture of the two of us since she is my guardian angel and was going to be looking after me after my surgery. We decided this was the nicest one with the flowers, though the one with May as a cop and me as a robber is a keeper as well! LOL<br />
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May didn't mind the picture of her as a goth. Somehow the goth look suits just about anyone! I used to be a goth but I never had a nose ring. I just wore nothing but black for about 10 years. I still like black though I have branched out to other colours. Even pink now and then...<br />
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I love the cat filter! It's so cute! Especially Michelle as a cat! When Shannon first showed me the puppy one I asked why they didn't have a cat one. More people must have complained because then they made one. I'm almost tempted to get a snapchat account myself just to get these silly snap filters but it's already a struggle keeping up with the websites that I'm on without adding any. And I'm not exactly a modern gadget/app type person. I just like the photos. The idea of snapchat with fading videos is actually the OPPOSITE of what I like to do -- you post videos that disappear. That would drive me nuts. I want to hold on to everything! Luckily with these filter things you can take a screenshot and save the photo which of course I make Shannon do and then send them to me. Thank you Shannon for all these fun photos! I guess it's just as well I don't have the app on my phone or I'd be playing with it ALL THE TIME!<br />
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And then of course there's the group photo around the cake... Somehow I always manage to sing Happy Birthday, count to 10, run into the photo (and in this instance) pick up Michelle before the camera clicks. Not bad but then I'm a pro by now. I do this for every birthday. A lot of families don't even celebrate birthdays together, aside from kid's parties with friends or milestones when people get older. Our family has always been close and special events give us a chance to get together as a group.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AnRtvGA4v2Q/WP4bzb869eI/AAAAAAAANvA/1OV4cE3Q9tUGGw5M67LioP9qGJG2VAVgACLcB/s1600/DSCN7117.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AnRtvGA4v2Q/WP4bzb869eI/AAAAAAAANvA/1OV4cE3Q9tUGGw5M67LioP9qGJG2VAVgACLcB/s320/DSCN7117.JPG" width="225" /></a>Because Michelle loves dressing up I thought it would be fun for us to go shopping and try on some dresses together. I didn't wind up getting anything for myself but I couldn't resist getting one for Michelle. She was in her glory trying on dresses with Mama. Yes we are girlie girls! I am SO grateful that I had a girl! Trying on dresses, playing with makeup, going to see butterflies, playing with dolls. Yeah. I mean don't get me wrong I would have loved a little boy too and I would have done my best to feign interest in sports and cars and dinosaurs (incidentally Michelle does like these things too! Her preference just leans toward the more feminine things) but it is so much more fun getting to share things with her that I love as well. It's nice having a buddy to go shopping with, to the movies with, to have tea parties with. And to be a Princess with. Yes I'm a bit of a Princess at heart too!</div>
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Michelle even wrote/drew about our shopping excursion and it was the cutest thing ever! I wish we had found matching floral dresses like she sketched here. I would have bought them in a heartbeat! (Yes I am a total nerd and it is my dream to find us matching dresses. I found a few matching t-shirts but that was as far as I got. If I could sew I would make us matching outfits!) Michelle wrote the description entirely on her own and spelled everything correctly except for tried (though trid is a valiant effort -- and truly there are adults, heads of corporations, even the leader of the free world who can't spell to save their lives so at 4 years old, Michelle is doing remarkably well! Of course her Mama was a spelling bee queen back in her day so I'll be helping her along!)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wHFr3RyN1jo/WP4b8BM7rMI/AAAAAAAANvQ/-t_vaXIhrn4ZL4Yb2tk6eE5IaHliPvEdgCLcB/s1600/DSCN7139.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wHFr3RyN1jo/WP4b8BM7rMI/AAAAAAAANvQ/-t_vaXIhrn4ZL4Yb2tk6eE5IaHliPvEdgCLcB/s320/DSCN7139.JPG" width="259" /></a>Really you can never have enough sunshine and rainbows. Michelle has had the pleasure of seeing a few actual rainbows so far when we've been out. She was also thrilled to have a rainbow in our kitchen (as the sun shone through our clear kitchen chairs and created a spectrum on the floor.)<br />
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I love that the sun, rainbow and flowers are all smiling. I used to draw smiles on everything as a kid too. Back when I was innocent and thought the world was magical. Before I became jaded, disillusioned and heartbroken. Before I discovered the darkness of reality. I still try to see the bright side. Some days it's harder than others. Having Michelle around is a good reminder. If I can see the world through her eyes just a little bit, borrow a fraction of her joy, I'll be doing OK...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Zxwe44emAs/WP4dRFi0OtI/AAAAAAAANvs/pYXXBjCuiHQ47uc4IEqmjf-k7Cf4muKwQCLcB/s1600/DSCN7156.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Zxwe44emAs/WP4dRFi0OtI/AAAAAAAANvs/pYXXBjCuiHQ47uc4IEqmjf-k7Cf4muKwQCLcB/s320/DSCN7156.JPG" width="223" /></a>Another trip to the indoor playground, because Michelle gets whatever she wants (within reason.) This time I sat in a different spot and discovered there was a wall of funhouse mirrors and things that I didn't even know about. So of course I had to snap a selfie of us there. It even turned out, sort of. I'll have to take Michelle to a funhouse someday, at the Ex or something. I think the Ex might be a bit overwhelming. Maybe when she's a little older. I used to love Canada's Wonderland when I was younger too (I used to get Season's Passes) but it would be a lot tougher with Michelle. She wouldn't have the patience for those lines (you wait for an hour to go on a ride that lasts 1 minute, tops.) Also it's so crowded and so expensive. And she wouldn't be able to go on most of the rides anyway. Certainly not the scary rollercoasters that I used to love. (The Bat was my favourite. The Skyrider was cool too. I haven't been in years. They probably have all sorts of new ones I haven't even heard of.) Again, maybe I'll try it sometime when she's a bit older. For now there are easier/cheaper ways to entertain her.</div>
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We still had to pose with our giraffe friend again, because, you know. I'm a creature of habit. Photos are my thing. They always have been. It's my OCD way of holding on to every moment because I know that it's so fleeting. Michelle was a baby not too long ago. Now she's 4 years old. Before I know it she'll be 10, then she'll be a teenager, a woman. It's gone in the blink of an eye. So if I want to take 1000 pictures standing in front of the same giraffe's butt every time we go, I will! Don't judge me! LOL<br />
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My Mom mocks me for my photoholic ways but I could mock her for her shopoholic ways (then again I love shopping too.) Everyone has something -- some addiction/obsession. Mine is photography. I could do a lot worse. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs. I don't have sex. I've never committed a crime. I just take too many pictures. Let me have this!<br />
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It was Earth Hour. You were supposed to shut the lights out for one hour to save energy. I thought it would be fun to read stories by candlelight. It turned out to be really nice because we were both tired anyway and went to bed super early that night so I kept the power off all night instead of just one hour. It made me think that maybe that's the key to getting more sleep -- shutting everything off. They say that too much screen time (computers, TV etc) can keep you awake. Once in a while it's nice to go old school. To light your way with a candle.<br />
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I glanced out the window, curious how many neighbours turned their lights out. Some still had the house all lit up inside and out. Maybe they didn't know. Or maybe they're afraid of the dark... <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vSgHt8ycsZM/WP4gYXFe1SI/AAAAAAAANxE/kJDOJ7QUEqsLPD5jEbDc7hxpK1smKmGAQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0890.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vSgHt8ycsZM/WP4gYXFe1SI/AAAAAAAANxE/kJDOJ7QUEqsLPD5jEbDc7hxpK1smKmGAQCLcB/s320/IMG_0890.JPG" width="278" /></a>Michelle's class was having a Career Day/Career Week where they invited parents to come in and talk to the class about their jobs. Ordinarily I wouldn't have considered it but I thought it would be something to look forward to and get my mind off surgery so I agreed. (Also the date was to be after my surgery so it was my superstitious way of guaranteeing my survival! Because I had to live to speak to the class, right?!) I had to talk for half an hour. That sounded like a lot but I wrote a speech and found that I actually had a lot to say. It was cool because even though I've been in my job for more than a decade, writing about it for four year olds made me look at it in a different way. Instead of taking it for granted, finding it stressful etc I started to appreciate it. Seeing the job through fresh eyes (a child's eyes) helped me to realize how lucky I am to have such a cool job, an important job where I get to help people and where every day is different (without saying here what I do because I'm careful never to mention specifics on Twitter or here about where I work etc. I am not an ambassador for the organization. This is my own personal site. Also I reveal too much about myself as it is so I have to keep some measure of anonymity by not giving specifics about where I live, work etc.) Although it can be stressful, it can also be exciting and rewarding. It's certainly not your run of the mill Monday to Friday 9 to 5 job! And if it wasn't for the job I wouldn't have the home and the life that I have. If I'd been somewhere else my path would have been completely different. I would have met different people, been led in different directions. I wouldn't have wound up here, wound up with Michelle. Your life is a tapestry. To pull out any part of it would unravel all of it. And I'm grateful for all of it. Even the rough parts. It wasn't an easy journey but it was a great one and I wouldn't trade any of it. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_KIcoOW-kV4/WP4gYctzOcI/AAAAAAAANxA/Z9VqHowjFD4vL_EiV4lmSFVHbQ6sCT5NACLcB/s1600/IMG_0889.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_KIcoOW-kV4/WP4gYctzOcI/AAAAAAAANxA/Z9VqHowjFD4vL_EiV4lmSFVHbQ6sCT5NACLcB/s320/IMG_0889.JPG" width="249" /></a>When the day arrived for me to speak to the class, I was a little nervous but it went REALLY WELL! The kids were great. They were interested, they interacted, asked questions. I sat on the floor with them to be more informal and because it made me feel more comfortable too. Michelle sat next to me and she was so proud. I even made a little booklet for the kids and gave them some stickers, pencils etc that my boss gave me from work. It was a great day! Afterwards an adorable girl came up to thank me for my presentation. The teacher said that particular student is ordinarily very shy and it took a lot of courage for her to come up to me so I was very moved! Sweetest thing ever. So glad I agreed to do Career Day! Sometimes stepping outside your comfort zone pays off! I was also very grateful to have survived surgery. There was one embarassing moment when I first walked into the class however because a boy said "Hey want to see my boo-boo?!" and showed me his scar. I told him I had a scar but wasn't going to show him and then Michelle announced (loud enough for half the class to hear!) "Mama had an operation on her CHEST!" The teacher quietly told Michelle "Umm...that's private." Oh well, they're kids. I'm used to Michelle yelling embarassing things. In the summer she yelled "Mama DO YOU HAVE DIARRHEA?!" while I was in a stall getting changed at the water park. To which I could only reply "No. But thanks for asking at the top of your lungs." That's my girl! She has also asked "Are you on your PERIOD?!" while we're at Walmart. I mostly just hope no one is listening to her.</div>
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jnjnHmOCp9M/WP4gYirDxKI/AAAAAAAANxI/Ywb2q73sURgvDBy-iLgZ7D0I7t3VxG1zQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0893.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jnjnHmOCp9M/WP4gYirDxKI/AAAAAAAANxI/Ywb2q73sURgvDBy-iLgZ7D0I7t3VxG1zQCLcB/s200/IMG_0893.JPG" width="168" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cjJnpnYAcLA/WP4gvdaeFpI/AAAAAAAANxM/4maB-AKSM1Ybnt5T50RdegmBHH90ugBvgCLcB/s1600/DSCN7190.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cjJnpnYAcLA/WP4gvdaeFpI/AAAAAAAANxM/4maB-AKSM1Ybnt5T50RdegmBHH90ugBvgCLcB/s200/DSCN7190.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GdO_9mJ2YP4/WP4gynaJ-JI/AAAAAAAANxQ/PVFxw9C7AkoCadSG4TSxKI5E0WXQ9194gCLcB/s1600/DSCN7191.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="251" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GdO_9mJ2YP4/WP4gynaJ-JI/AAAAAAAANxQ/PVFxw9C7AkoCadSG4TSxKI5E0WXQ9194gCLcB/s320/DSCN7191.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle loves writing now. She's even started writing songs. I can't believe some of the things she comes up with. It's so cute and funny! I absolutely LOVE her creative spellings! Her phonics are excellent. Mind you I will correct her spelling but I like to encourage her to keep trying. One line blew me away -- "you gave me the paprkut." At 4 years old, the only pain that she has experienced was getting a paper cut once so she uses that as a metaphor for the pain of heartbreak and it's brilliant! She amazes me every day with the things she will say, sing, write, draw. My girl is a character! She says she wants to be a famous songwriter. She might actually do it. I may have written a thousand songs but she has one thing that I never really had -- confidence. My girl believes in herself and she won't give up. I tell her she can do anything that she wants. She just has to decide what that is. The world is her oyster. I was always too afraid to really try...</div>
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A nice day for a walk in the park... We take them when we can get them!<br />
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I couldn't remember if the groundhog saw his shadow or didn't see his shadow (or which one meant more winter and which one meant less!) I was just hoping Spring was coming sooner than later! March is sort of the start of Spring but you just never know which way it will go. Some days people are in shorts (which is kind of jumping the gun) other days people are in winter jackets. Or sometimes on the same day you can find both because people have no idea what to do. I aim for somewhere in between. But we were grateful for the sunny days that weren't too cold and we made the most of them.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Vevwek8cwJY/WP4it12nkGI/AAAAAAAANx4/TZsO7MQbUkEe2tKuKdwb0EObAIWR3KU_wCLcB/s1600/DSCN7231.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Vevwek8cwJY/WP4it12nkGI/AAAAAAAANx4/TZsO7MQbUkEe2tKuKdwb0EObAIWR3KU_wCLcB/s320/DSCN7231.JPG" width="320" /></a>And then it was Uncle Chris' birthday! He didn't want to make much of a fuss so we just went to my Mom's on his actual birthday during the week. Michelle loves her Uncle Chris. He is great with kids even though he doesn't plan on having any. (I didn't exactly plan to either but Michelle turned out to be the best surprise of my life! And everyone was right when they told me that kids change your life for the better in ways you never imagined. You don't fully understand what love is until you have a child.)</div>
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It's always tough leaving Michelle when I have to go to work but I'm grateful when it's nice outside and I can spend a bit of time with her in Gramma and Grampa's backyard before I have to leave. Michelle loves playing with her Grampa and running around their huge yard. It's good to have a bit of a breather before my long and hectic night/day. I commute for hours and my shift is 12 hours. So it's a very LONG day. Sometimes I wonder how I'll get through. Taking it one hour at a time helps. And the best part is when I can FINALLY get home to Michelle and home to bed!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PEBdTdAsfFw/WP4i3UNvXLI/AAAAAAAANyY/Z9XvEPauUQU5FZGhra-D7RqDRXpIcf6CACEw/s1600/IMG_0912.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PEBdTdAsfFw/WP4i3UNvXLI/AAAAAAAANyY/Z9XvEPauUQU5FZGhra-D7RqDRXpIcf6CACEw/s320/IMG_0912.JPG" width="240" /></a>"At least you're never bored," my Mom said to me one day when I was complaining about my insanely hectic schedule and how exhausted/drained I felt most of the time. "No. I'm never bored," I agreed. "Boredom is a luxury. I would LOVE to be bored! Never happens. Too much to do!" It's a good thing that I don't have a social life because I don't have the time or the energy for one anyway. Free time is non-existent. I'm either working or taking care of Michelle or doing housework, running errands etc. I watch maybe two TV shows at any period of time (Bachelor franchise, Survivor, Dancing with the Stars...) I go on Twitter to check in with the world. And that's pretty much it. I was working on a children's book and a novel but that pretty much got shelved when I got sick with pneumonia. Then I started working full time 16 hour days and when I actually have a day off, there's so much to do I never seem to find time. And yet, you could argue, I find time to work on this blog. But this is a labour of love and I do a bit at a time here and there when I have a minute. I don't know why I feel compelled to do it, but I do. And it is time consuming putting together all the photos and the text. But it's my way of venting and it (almost) keeps me sane! I do want to finish the children's book I was working on last year (back when I had more free time and before I got sick.) Part of the reason I procrastinate is of course fear of failure -- because if I actually take the time to write and illustrate it and send it to publishers and it's rejected, I'll be devastated. Easier not to try. Easier to tell myself I'm too busy. One of my cousins wrote a novel and put it in a drawer and never sent it anywhere. I have thousands of poems I've never sent anywhere (even after having a few poems published, the fear of rejection looms large. And for the 4 that I've had published, there were 96 that weren't. At the time the guy I was dating said he'd give me a dollar for every rejection letter so I started collecting them. After 50 I got my first acceptance. In retrospect it was very kind of him to push me/light a fire under me. I miss that. Having someone in my corner. Now there's just me and it's easier just not to try...I don't have time is such a good excuse, especially when it's true. But I'm rambling and this blog is too long as it is! I don't have time for this either. But if you're reading this then I eventually did hit Publish! Please excuse the typos if I missed any!)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6KXPlgeBK3w/WP4i0gP0uLI/AAAAAAAANyI/-xkeKOxKZHcywLQYAuUntE4gImkF8GmQwCEw/s1600/IMG_0906.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6KXPlgeBK3w/WP4i0gP0uLI/AAAAAAAANyI/-xkeKOxKZHcywLQYAuUntE4gImkF8GmQwCEw/s320/IMG_0906.JPG" width="240" /></a>Over the winter, out of the blue, two old friends from my past contacted me online and wanted to get together. It was so nice to hear from them but the timing never seemed to be right -- I was sick with pneumonia for months then the breast business (surgery etc) happened and this year I've been way more busy working so many more hours and am only home a day or two at a time here and there. It's tough. I would love to get together for lunch sometime and catch up! The thing is, if they don't reach out to me again, it probably won't happen. I tend to shy away from social interaction. Ironically I have over 9000 followers on Twitter but in real life, aside from my immediate family, I don't feel comfortable with too many people. And if I'm honest I'm not usually the one to reach out (out of shyness/fear of rejection/procrastination etc.) So if they don't contact me again, it probably won't happen. But I hope they do because it would be nice to talk to a grown up again face to face (aside from my family!) If you're reading this, guys -- the pneumonia is gone, the lump is out, Spring is here, all is relatively well and I'm available! LOL<br />
So please EMAIL ME or call! Let's do lunch! :)<br />
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Many months ago a couple of other Moms from Michelle's school had discussed the possibility of getting together for play dates with the kids but then I got sick and there was never a good time and I pretty much avoided other parents when picking Michelle up from school. They may not have realized being sick was a large part of my being anti-social (though I can be anti-social/solitary by nature...) And now I just feel too awkward to even try to speak to them again so if they don't approach me...<br />
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I do occasionally miss having friends/a social life of some sort. And sometimes, admittedly, I do miss having a relationship, having an adult to share things with, a partner to help with things so I don't feel so completely alone/overwhelmed. Maybe someday. Though it seems pretty impossible at this point. Unless Mr. Wonderful just happened to appear out of thin air. Which is doubtful. I've met a lot of Mr. Horribles in my time. And I would be so cautious now. I honestly don't know how I'd trust someone now. It's different than when I used to date. I used to throw caution to the wind when there was just me to worry about but I am VERY protective of Michelle. How could I allow someone into our lives? I couldn't risk it. He'd have to be an extraordinary man. He'd have to be Jesus-Superman to be a father for my little girl. Yeah, so I'm just flying solo for now.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3Hf6NcTps5A/WP4i1UxdbaI/AAAAAAAANyM/kfo5SBU7BOwZsOTX25lTTQebIVxIaPsxQCEw/s1600/IMG_0909.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3Hf6NcTps5A/WP4i1UxdbaI/AAAAAAAANyM/kfo5SBU7BOwZsOTX25lTTQebIVxIaPsxQCEw/s320/IMG_0909.JPG" width="240" /></a>On bad days -- sleep deprived, exhausted, irritable, running on less than empty, working and commuting long hours, taking care of my child, my home and everything on my own without help and without a break -- I wonder how I'll get through! Defeated, depleted, it feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders, that I give all that I have and there's nothing left for me, no time to take a breath. But on good days I think of how truly blessed and grateful I am: I have an amazing little girl who is the light and the love of my life, a wonderful supportive family and the best sister/best friend anyone could have -- she always makes me laugh! I am relatively healthy, relatively secure with a nice home in a safe neighbourhood and a good job where I get to help people and every day is a new adventure. Luckily there are more good days than bad! And the truth is that time flies, even on the bad days! February and March were gone in the blink of an eye, even with all that I went through. Though it's rough going at the time, there is a reward to facing fears and overcoming challenges. You get to look back with relief and gratitude and say "I got through it!" Though I'm not a fan of adversity (if I had my way life would be perfect and nothing would ever go wrong -- but this doesn't seem to be an option!) it can have some rewards: increasing your strength, confidence and sense of gratitude. Yes the cliche is true -- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and it makes you appreciate what you have. Facing your greatest fears and surviving makes you feel like one tough mother!</div>
Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-29661205573231157832017-03-08T09:11:00.001-05:002017-03-08T12:31:23.346-05:00The Winter of my Discontent <br />
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To a kid, Christmastime is magical. It's about Santa Claus and toys, a Winter Wonderland, playing in the snow. To an adult, Christmas can be stressful, expensive and snow is just a nuisance -- shoveling, driving in bad weather etc. I suppose some people actually like Winter. I DETEST it! I can't stand the cold. Not to mention dark days without sunlight (as I've mentioned several times I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder.) Being sick with pneumonia made it that much more unbearable. I wanted to make Michelle happy. I wanted her to enjoy everything that winter and Christmas had to offer, but it was more of a struggle this year than ever. Physically and emotionally drained, I felt like Hell. Trying to force a smile for Michelle's sake somehow made it even worse. But what else could I do? I couldn't ruin Christmas for my little girl. I should have been in bed resting, trying to get better instead of what I was doing -- going to work, Christmas shopping, playing in the snow with Michelle, taking her to see Santa. But I felt like I had no choice because there was no one else to do these things for her. I didn't want Michelle to miss out. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QjZohBR58IM/WIet63vyf4I/AAAAAAAAM8Q/V2BpCtwzZxAIuG1m5jDOLxAw8LLFAEAIgCLcB/s1600/IMG_0411.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QjZohBR58IM/WIet63vyf4I/AAAAAAAAM8Q/V2BpCtwzZxAIuG1m5jDOLxAw8LLFAEAIgCLcB/s320/IMG_0411.JPG" width="239" /></a>I felt awful. I couldn't sleep. Zombie-like, I was beyond exhausted 99% of the time but I kept pushing myself. I kept thinking I've got to get better one of these days. I'd been sick since November. Surely this had to end sometime. Then I read that it could take MONTHS to fully recover from pneumonia. That was not good news. I didn't want Michelle to see how miserable I was, so I forced a smile for her sake. I feigned excitement for Christmas coming. I held back until she was at school or asleep and then wept to myself. Of course by suffering in silence, not taking care of myself, I couldn't get better, instead I seemed to keep getting worse. At one point I was out in the snow, pulling Michelle on a sled. She said "Faster Mama!" but I told her I had to stop because I couldn't breathe. "This is insane," I thought, "I have PNEUMONIA. I should be cozy in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin. Instead I'm outside in the freezing cold making snowmen and pulling her on a sled while I'm coughing and it's hard to breathe." But without a dad there to say "You rest honey, I'll take her outside to play!" I felt like I had no choice and I couldn't ruin Michelle's winter and Christmas just because I was suffering. <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BSVrk182vqM/WIet_qGKR8I/AAAAAAAAM8c/_wnTKVl8CzAxJynptWG7jUrP-dcZMukKACLcB/s1600/IMG_0412.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BSVrk182vqM/WIet_qGKR8I/AAAAAAAAM8c/_wnTKVl8CzAxJynptWG7jUrP-dcZMukKACLcB/s320/IMG_0412.JPG" width="238" /></a>At least Michelle never got my pneumonia. We both got checked out. Michelle was pretty much sick off and on since she started school in September. The doctor(s) said this was normal. Kids catch everything and it helps them to build up their immunity. But it was rough. Especially when she was coughing through the night. I barely got any sleep. The doctor gave me a narcotic cough medicine to suppress my cough so I could sleep through the night. It came with 3 pages of instructions/warnings. One of the first possible side effects listed was death! A bit drastic, from coughin to coffin but by this point I was desperate. (Apparently that's only if you have a heart condition or combine it with other medications but still, it was a bit creepy.) I read further and it actually affects the part of your brain that makes you cough, essentially PREVENTING you from coughing, again, super creepy but desperate times, desperate measures. So the first night I took it, it COMPLETELY knocked me out. I felt drugged. I thought it was great. I actually got a little sleep. The effect didn't last though. As I continued to take it each night it stopped putting me to sleep. If anything it seemed to have the opposite effect and caused me anxiety so I stopped taking it and switched to NyQuil which I love the taste of and is somewhat comforting and helps me to sleep a little. The puffer the doctor had given me didn't seem to do anything. I could never really tell if I was getting anything from it. Still, when it was really hard to breathe I thought I'd try it.<br />
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I got Michelle a homeopathic/natural kid's cough/cold remedy. She loved the taste and it actually helped to stop her cough overnight. I also got a vaporizer and Vick's Vapo Rub after the doctor suggested it. I figured it may help both of us to breathe easier. Michelle wasn't much of a fan of the Vick's. I found it comforting.<br />
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My chest X-ray had confirmed pneumonia and I had a "crackling" in my lungs. My breathing was laboured. There was thick green mucus in my nose and throat. My family doctor prescribed me an antibiotic that was supposed to be strong. It was also expensive. Because I didn't have a drug plan at the time I asked the pharmacist if he could recommend something comparable that wasn't as pricey. So he did. Unfortunately it still set me back $30. And then it didn't even work. The doctor had given me 7 days worth and then asked me to come and see her in a week to see how I was doing.<br />
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It seemed like I was never going to get any better. If anything I kept feeling worse. I kept thinking I'd be so grateful if I just wasn't COUGHING constantly! I'd be so happy if I didn't feel so tired and dragged out! I'd be so relieved to just not be coughing and blowing out green mucus all day long! It was like a never ending nightmare that didn't end it just changed/evolved along the way.<br />
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So, I wasn't the happiest camper but luckily being sick off and on didn't dampen Michelle's Christmas spirit. She never got it as bad as I did and it never affected her energy level. She was bouncing off the walls most of the time. She loved drawing Christmas pictures and making crafts. She wanted to make her own ornaments. She drew them, cut them out and added stickers. She'd helped me decorate the tree and understood that we had a white, silver and turquoise theme going so she didn't insist on putting her home-made ornaments on the tree (where they would of course clash with the decor. She's 4 years old and understood this. I dated a man in his 40s that argued with me about putting his golden apple ornament with all my silver ones. AS IF.) So Michelle was content instead to hang her little treasures on every door knob in the house.<br />
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I was trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it's hard when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired! Not to mention supremely stressed out and depressed. On top of everything else I had to contend with there were some things going on at work. My future seemed uncertain. There were financial and other issues at home. Health problems and lack of sleep made me fragile. I was just spent, overwhelmed. I needed a rest but it didn't seem to be in sight. I couldn't sleep at night for coughing, thinking, worrying about everything that I had to do, everything that was coming up. I was running on less than empty. And of course the winter season itself being bleak, cold and grey didn't help my mood any. I was trying so hard to be enthusiastic for Michelle's sake but I really wasn't feeling it. AT ALL.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WQfeCo2g1NQ/WIetBpzhf1I/AAAAAAAAM78/qFbHix6YF-IzPQnz6Na3N669YKPRAYsCwCLcB/s1600/DSCN5842.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WQfeCo2g1NQ/WIetBpzhf1I/AAAAAAAAM78/qFbHix6YF-IzPQnz6Na3N669YKPRAYsCwCLcB/s320/DSCN5842.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle has a little book on the Christmas Story and we read it together. It made me cry. I know that that is the real meaning of Christmas -- the birth of Jesus. How God sent us His only Son to save us. Christmas is God becoming human. Against all odds, a baby being born in a manger. Peace, Hope, Love and Light coming into the world.<br />
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I prayed to Jesus to help me to get through all of this, to feel better. Day after day, coughing, feeling awful, weak, tired, utterly drained physically, emotionally and in every way became unbearable. I worried I would never be well again. The irony is that Winter is always a hard time for me even when I'm healthy (although now that I think about it I usually get sick in the winter so maybe that's part of what makes me so unhappy!)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--iwoDxBnYGo/WIes_2H4T-I/AAAAAAAAM74/Nn3Gn9ZygyAwsoiD9kHsM0kYi9Hw0Yz5QCLcB/s1600/DSCN5840.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--iwoDxBnYGo/WIes_2H4T-I/AAAAAAAAM74/Nn3Gn9ZygyAwsoiD9kHsM0kYi9Hw0Yz5QCLcB/s320/DSCN5840.JPG" width="228" /></a>Ordinarily when someone asks how I am (especially a stranger) I mutter an automatic (albeit disingenuous) "Fine thanks, and you?" to be polite but I got to the point where I couldn't even muster that. I was grocery shopping one day (because of course sick or not we still had to eat something -- though I was eating a lot less, mostly chicken soup and orange juice.) I looked like Death. Pale, bloodshot eyes, red nose, coughing like an old man in a hospital, nose stuffed and red, feeling weak and tired, chest aching from coughing, trouble breathing (and getting dirty looks from passersby as well I might add like how dare I leave the house like this. But no one is going to bring me supplies and I had run out of Kleenex, soup and OJ so I had to go out and get them!) When I went to cash out the cashier asked "How are you doing?" and I just didn't even have the energy to lie. "Hanging by a thread," I answered, "and you?" She looked slightly aghast, didn't know what to say and just went about bagging my items in silence. She should have known to look at me, that I was not good. Not at all. I tried to leave the house as little as possible because it wasn't pretty. One day while waiting for Michelle outside her school I coughed so hard my cough lozenge flew out of my mouth. I really hoped no one had seen it happen. Standing out in the cold, feeling sick as a dog, I wanted to just curl into a ball and cry. But when Michelle came out exclaiming "Mamaaaaa!" and ran toward me I managed to smile for her.</div>
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I was inspired to write a song and decided to record it, even though my voice wasn't up to par. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. Writing is one of my outlets for dealing with stress. Yoga helps too but feeling so sick and weak I didn't have the energy for that. This is the vicious circle (cycle?) of being sick -- you get tired and run down and get sick so you don't have energy to exercise which makes you feel more tired and weak and sick. Exercise, if you can force yourself to do it, actually helps to give you more energy, sleep better, feel stronger. But I was just too fatigued, feeble and felt too terrible to even attempt any physical activity. Plus I could barely breathe without coughing. Here is a link to the video, "Hanging by a Thread":</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c3_lCXyKw0M/WIeu4WRolaI/AAAAAAAAM8o/7nikqjCcj00tWT-LblwFK5ZbiH0_QIF2wCLcB/s1600/DSCN5847.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c3_lCXyKw0M/WIeu4WRolaI/AAAAAAAAM8o/7nikqjCcj00tWT-LblwFK5ZbiH0_QIF2wCLcB/s320/DSCN5847.JPG" width="240" /></a>No matter how bad I felt, Michelle was happy and that was all that mattered. Her joy was irrepressible. Even when she was sick. Even when it was cold and dark and snowing. No matter what, my girl was smiling and laughing. Then again, of course she's a kid. She doesn't have to go out to work and buy groceries and worry how she's going to pay the bills. They say that the average child laughs 300 times a day while the average adult only laughs 15 times. I don't know how they compiled these statistics but it makes sense. Adults have more worries and responsibilities. We don't just get to play all day (if at all.) I try to maintain my childlike sense of wonder and enthusiasm but sometimes it's close to impossible. In the winter and when I'm sick and tired, it's hard to find a sense of fun. Sometimes I do laugh in spite of myself though. And it does warm my heart when my girl smiles. </div>
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I adore my girl. She really is all that keeps me going sometimes. I am so grateful for her. She's so sweet she's always drawing me pictures and writing me notes saying "I love you Mama." I put little love notes in her school lunches as well. "I love you Michelle! xo Mama."<br />
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Unfortunately once in a while it feels like Michelle is trying to kill me! She is a ball of energy running around, sometimes running into me. One night she was jumping on the bed and fell on me, elbow into my chest, on the right side. It hurt like a mo-fo! I screamed. I already had chest pains and trouble breathing on that side (and possibly fractured ribs) from coughing so this definitely DID NOT HELP! I told Michelle please be careful with Mama because I was already feeling extra fragile and she just might BREAK ME! Still, even in my weak state I would carry Michelle into the house, up the stairs and into bed in her heavy winter coat and boots when she would fall asleep in the car on the way home. I would be so out of breath and weak I almost collapsed. What else could I do? There's no one else to carry her in. I'd reach for the puffer and eventually catch my breath. Sometimes I REALLY wished I had a partner to drive us home, to carry Michelle into the house. My Mom said "You can't keep doing this! You'll hurt yourself! She's too heavy. You're going to have to wake her up and make her walk." I just didn't have the heart.<br />
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Michelle was always thrilled to see the snow. I was decidedly less than thrilled. (As I mentioned before it's different for kids -- magical winter wonderland versus a living hell for Mama.) It dragged the life out of me (and I was already running on empty.) Still, I tried to smile for Michelle's sake. I bundled her up in her pink kitty hat/scarf combo and she loved it. She was cozy and happy. I felt like the cold went right through me. Even in my winter coat. Being in sub-zero temperatures when you're already suffering from pneumonia is quite an experience. I'd never liked Winter, but this was downright cruel. Bitter bitter cold. I didn't know how I could keep going. But I did because I didn't have a choice. And for the most part, Michelle didn't see how supremely miserable I was.<br />
"Mama can we play in the snow?"<br />
"...OK..."<br />
"Can we make a snowman?!"<br />
"Well it's not really packing sn--"<br />
"PLEASE!"<br />
"Ok." Sigh.<br />
The only part I liked was going back inside to get warm after and having some hot chocolate or tea. (I'm not a fan of tea generally but when I'm sick tea with honey and lemon is comforting.)<br />
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"Mama! Can you pull me on the sled?!"<br />
"Ok. Just remember Mama is having trouble breathing so I can't do it too long..."<br />
I was gasping for breath even without pulling a 48 lb kid on a sled but it made her happy so there I was. "Faster Mama!" Michelle was merciless. Of course she didn't realize how awful I was feeling. I ran in circles around the yard pulling her, gasping for breath, so weak I thought I would faint. I remembered my sister saying her how her friend with pneumonia got to stay in bed for 3 weeks while her hubby did everything for her. I wanted to cry. But there wasn't time.<br />
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And because I'm obviously a glutton for punishment I agreed to take Michelle to see Santa Claus. Let's be real, I couldn't NOT take her to see Santa! It was getting close to Christmas and I had the weekend off and this was the only time I could take her. It was also the weekend of my work Christmas party which I'd told her about and promised to bring her to. It was the first year we'd been able to go (I'm usually working that weekend.) So we got dressed in red and headed for a visit to Grandma, to Santa and then to the Children's Christmas party the next day. Michelle was psyched for a holly jolly weekend of fun. I was absolutely dreading it and wondered how I would survive the weekend. I was still coughing like an old man in the hospital. Green mucus in my eyes, ears, nose and throat. Chest pains (on the right side so I figured it wasn't a heart attack at least) which I assumed were from coughing so much, though a four year old jumping on my chest may not have helped either.<br />
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Even in my weakened state I couldn't resist the photo op! Michelle loves dressing up almost as much as I love dressing her up. I took several pictures of her by herself and I even got in a couple with her. I had a kitty Christmas shirt (I'm actually not sure if it's supposed to be a pajama top but I didn't care.)<br />
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We were both thrilled to have Michelle dolled up in her red Christmas dress to see Santa. She was so excited. She was going to ask Santa for Torch the Dragon (an animatronic dragon that breathes fire -- actually gives off mist from distilled water but it's a cute illusion. I told her that it was too expensive and a bad idea so I wouldn't get it for her but maybe Santa would.) Now was her chance to ask. I hoped that the line up wouldn't be too long but considering it was a Saturday and close to Christmas, the prognosis was looking pretty grim for Mama...<br />
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This was my favourite pose! The curtsy. I love that Michelle cooperates with me now and doesn't fight me on getting photos. She actually seems to like the attention and doesn't mind modeling for me. She smiles and everything and even comes up with ideas for cute poses on her own.<br />
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Not everyone dresses their kids up to visit Santa but I figure, it's a total photo op so you might as well make the most of it.<br />
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I decided to head to Grandma's neck of the woods so I could take Mom out for some Christmas shopping as well. Also the mall near Grandma is a little nicer, with a better Santa photo op...The one year I'd gone to our local mall was a bit of a fiasco to say the least. Not that I always had much luck at either mall. One year I accidentally showed up on Dog Day (Santa was ONLY taking photos with dogs...What are the odds?!) Another year we arrived just as Santa had left for his lunch break (aka feeding the reindeer) and I had to work night-shift that night. Things are rarely easy. Especially at Christmas. Murphy's Law is usually in effect. "Figures. This could only happen to me!"<br />
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We waited in line for over an hour. I don't know if you've ever stood in line in a crowded mall waiting for Santa while you're sick with pneumonia but I wouldn't recommend it! I couldn't stop coughing. Random strangers ahead of us in line were giving me dirty looks because I was coughing. I was giving them dirty looks because they were ahead of me in line and extending my torment. I started mentally calculating how long it would take. Doing a head count multiplied by 5 minutes per kid... Meanwhile I was just waiting for someone to say something about my coughing. I started playing out the confrontation in my head: "You should be home in bed instead of exposing us to your germs!" and I would have launched into a single Mom tirade the likes of which they had never seen... "Oh NO YOU DIDN'T! Listen F*%ko! You think I WANT to be here?! I crawled here off my friggin DEATHBED because I'm a single Mom and there's no one else to take her but me! I'm not ruining Christmas for my kid!" But no one dared to say anything (not to my face anyway. Though I'm sure I heard a disgusted "Tsk" or two.)<br />
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Finally it was Michelle's turn and it was WORTH THE WAIT! She talked to Santa, smiled for the pictures! It was a roaring success! On top of the souvenir photo that the mall takes, I snapped several of my own. I was thrilled. This was photo gold! When Michelle was a baby she was terrified of Santa and I actually had to settle for a picture of myself holding her, crying, next to Santa. Now she is an outgoing girl and not nervous about talking to Santa at all. She smiles and talks with him. She even high fived him. And she made sure to tell him that she wanted Torch the Dragon for Christmas. (Coincidentally she actually asked Santa for a stuffed dragon last year and he complied!)<br />
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I figured it would be too much to ask to get Santa to look and smile as well. Considering he does this for hours each day with who knows how many kids it would be too much to expect him to smile the whole time. I was SO happy with Michelle that she smiled. I was relieved that we had survived the whole Santa visit thing and I just wanted to get back home. Unfortunately we still had to find Grandma in the mall before we could leave. Meandering through a crowded mall of Christmas shoppers while I'm sick is not my idea of a good time. I wound up getting a couple of things for Michelle. (As a kid when I went shopping with my Mom and asked for things, the answer was always "No!" so I tend to do the opposite with Michelle and pretty much get her everything she asks for. Within reason. If it only costs $5-10 why not?) I was grateful at least that most of my Christmas shopping was pretty much done. I wouldn't survive much more of this.</div>
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Nerd that I am, I even managed to grab a selfie with Michelle and Santa. We were off to the side after getting our souvenir photo and I held up my cellphone. Hilariously Santa even turned to look so I got him looking over our shoulders. This shot cracks me up. When I think of how awful I felt that day it's ironic how happy I look in this picture. I can't resist a photo op, even at my worst. You can't even tell how red my nose was. And that's the thing about photos. You smile and everything seems shiny and happy and perfect, regardless of how you actually felt. This is the Instagram generation. Everything is great! I have the photos to prove it! (Meanwhile dying inside!)<br />
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We decided to sit and have an ice cream while we waited for Grandma. I barely touched mine. (Dairy isn't a favourite somehow when your nose and throat are filled with mucus.) But it was nice to sit down for a minute and Michelle was thrilled. Plus, as a kid my Mom never let us have ice cream when we were out. Most of my decisions as a Mom are based on doing the opposite of what my Mom did (aka spoiling Michelle, coming from a place of Yes rather than No. My Mom's excuse would be that she had 4 kids and blah blah blah but honestly how do you say no when your kid wants ice cream at the mall?! It's inhuman!)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-A4CwTjfHTWA/WIjuKd0Ly7I/AAAAAAAANCQ/DU-AGL_rH3cbnt_p1t8Rw0TFZIHgXFeSQCLcB/s1600/DSCN5918.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-A4CwTjfHTWA/WIjuKd0Ly7I/AAAAAAAANCQ/DU-AGL_rH3cbnt_p1t8Rw0TFZIHgXFeSQCLcB/s320/DSCN5918.JPG" width="266" /></a>The next day was the Children's Christmas Party. If I had any sense I wouldn't have tried to go. (It should be clear by now that I don't have any sense!) I was sick. I had already pushed myself the day before with a trip to the mall. Plus it was a long drive and they were calling for snow. But a promise is a promise. I told Michelle I'd take her and I didn't want her to be disappointed. I will always put her happiness above my health and well-being. I gotta be me. Since this was the first work party I'd been to I really didn't know what to expect but I'd heard that they were great fun for the kids. Clowns can be a little creepy at times but this was a nice girl one so Michelle wasn't afraid and was happy to get her face painted with a little Christmas tree. She loved her purple poodle balloon too. They had activity tables set up for the kids, a room full of bouncy castles, a room full of presents and as I would soon learn, Santa was going to be visiting. "D'oh!" I had waited in line an hour to see a mall Santa when she was going to be seeing a Christmas party Santa anyway. Oh well. Two Santa visits in one weekend? Mama is a hero.</div>
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They had a photo booth set up with a table of funny hats. The booth wasn't working so I set the self timer and snapped a photo of the two of us anyway. I used to love those old fashioned photo booths in the mall where you'd squeeze in with your friend/boyfriend and do funny faces for a few different poses. That was the age before digital cameras/cellphones. Now that everyone has a camera phone they don't bother with those booths anymore. Booths in general have become obsolete -- photo booths, phone booths... I'm old school so I miss things like that. How would Clark Kent turn into Superman now?!<br />
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Then we sat down while Michelle wrote a letter to Santa. Of course she had already told him, in person, that she wanted a dragon, but you might as well put it in writing to make sure! They had little stickers you could add as well. They also had beads and accessories to make bracelets so Michelle made a red and white candy cane bracelet. She's good with patterns so she knows to alternate. Her printing is very good though she needed my help with spelling. I showed her how to write "Please bring me the dragon. Love, Michelle."<br />
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I would make sure to send her letter to the North Pole. (Even though we'd already seen Santa the day before and would be seeing him again later that afternoon. It was a very Santa-filled weekend!) No way Santa could forget her dragon after all these reminders!<br />
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At a fair once, Michelle refused to go in the bouncy castle because the fan was "too noisy." Well apparently the noise didn't bother her anymore now that she's a little older. Michelle had a BLAST jumping around the bouncy castle. She was running, bouncing and laughing her head off. It looked like so much fun I was <almost> tempted to join her. I tried to stifle my coughing as much as possible when I was around other people. I explained when people asked that I had pneumonia. While pneumonia is not contagious per se, the germs that you carry coughing and sneezing can still be passed on.<br />
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I had been invited to an adult party as well but decided I shouldn't inflict my presence on people there and ruin it for them. I shouldn't have gone to the kid's party either but I didn't want to disappoint Michelle so I toughed it out for her sake. Michelle's needs > Mama's needs. The truth is I would have loved to go to a grown up party since I don't have much of (read: ANY!) social life to speak of anymore but being sick I wasn't really up to it and I didn't think people would appreciate me coughing around them. Plus I don't drink and somehow being the one sick and sober person at a party didn't sound like the best idea...<br />
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Some kids were playing in the gym and Michelle wanted to try her hand at sports. She played a little hockey and basketball for fun. Her aim wasn't the best but she was enthusiastic and got lucky once in a while. Her biggest strength is running. She is FAST! She wanted me to play with her. I wasn't really feeling up to it but I gave it a go. I even managed to shoot a few hoops and actually got it in the net a couple of times! I don't think I've ever done that! Not even in high school.<br />
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All in all, Michelle had an AMAZING time at the party and seeing her happy more than made my suffering worth it.<br />
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We had pizza for lunch, picked up Michelle's gift and then we waited for the guest of honour to arrive...<br />
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Another day, another Santa! My camera(s) weren't cooperating this time so my shots were somewhat blurry and not the best. I was glad that the professional photographer caught this great souvenir pic anyway.<br />
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After the party we headed back to Grandma's so I could take Mom shopping again. Christmas was fast approaching and my Mom was panicking that she didn't have her shopping done yet. Since my parents don't have a car anymore it's much more difficult for Mom to get out to stores and she still had some things to cross off her list.<br />
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Unfortunately the snow storm had started. I worried that it would be a tricky drive back home that night. I had no idea just what I was in for...<br />
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Yes that's a Santa painted on my face. Amazing what I'll endure for my girl. I had asked for a snowman but it wound up being a Santa Claus which was cute too. Michelle loved it. Mama is nothing if not a good sport.<br />
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Completely exhausted, I couldn't wait to get home to bed. Unfortunately I would have to wait. The weather was horrendous. The one hour drive wound up taking more than two hours. And took years off my life...<br />
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I didn't have snow tires. I tried to avoid expenses where I could. I had gone years on bald tires with my old car so I figured normal tires on a fairly new car shouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately this year we seemed to get more snow than ever or maybe I was just on the road/the highway at the wrong time -- on a weekend, at night, before they had a chance to plow, salt or sand the roads. It was a trip through HELL!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xNU3IjVtCKc/WIjyInMuCMI/AAAAAAAANEs/IQ4TVqYv6R4bhFxngoDtwujnxdeI-nStQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0486.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xNU3IjVtCKc/WIjyInMuCMI/AAAAAAAANEs/IQ4TVqYv6R4bhFxngoDtwujnxdeI-nStQCLcB/s320/IMG_0486.JPG" width="240" /></a>There was a LOT of snow. You couldn't see the lines on the road so you had to guess where your lane was. My night vision isn't the best to start with so with giant snow flakes flying at the windshield it doesn't help. Traffic was terrible. It was so slippery I took it REALLY slow. Luckily EVERYONE was going slow. You didn't have much choice with so many cars barely moving. I was terrified. I can't stand the sensation of being out of control. I tried to keep my distance from the car ahead because even stepping on the brake lightly the car slid. Luckily Michelle was sound asleep so she couldn't see what I was going through -- stuck in heavy traffic, white knuckled, petrified, moving at a snail's pace because the road was so slippery the car was fish-tailing. I was praying that we'd make it home OK. I passed a couple of cars in the ditch. Some had spun out and were facing the wrong way down a deep ditch. "This is AWFUL!" I thought. It almost seemed like the end of the world, an Apocalypse of Snow. I had visions of the road and the whole sea of cars buried under snow.<br />
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I had a couple of close calls where the car was sliding and I couldn't control it. Thank God I didn't hit anyone. I was cursing myself that I didn't have snow tires! I had no idea it would be this bad. I was hoping we wouldn't get much snow and figured I'd just take it easy when we did. I wasn't prepared for this. Snow tires were so expensive and I had myself convinced it wasn't practical -- what would I do with my old tires? I heard that some people paid to store them somewhere. I figured snow tires are for rich people. I was a struggling single Mom. But the bottom line is that Michelle is my top priority and I didn't want to put her in danger. Having her in the car made me more nervous. "Please God let us get home safe!" Nothing could happen while she was in the car! I was relieved when we made it to our exit off the highway. Little did I know things would be even worse on the side roads...<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V9rXTVdO-MM/WIjyI-_N8eI/AAAAAAAANEw/WBTkPbXTsY4u8mKoP99vwLlj_YTy3KKtQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0488.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V9rXTVdO-MM/WIjyI-_N8eI/AAAAAAAANEw/WBTkPbXTsY4u8mKoP99vwLlj_YTy3KKtQCLcB/s320/IMG_0488.JPG" width="240" /></a>You don't realize how steep the roads actually are until you are trying to go up them, in the snow, without snow tires! My car couldn't make it up the hill. The tires were squealing, the back end was fish-tailing. It was sliding and squealing and I was getting a little symbol on my dashboard warning me that the car was sliding. "You THINK?!" I exclaimed, "thanks for the tip!" People were honking at me and trying to go around me. I wasn't even in the right lane. I was in the middle of the road trying desperately to inch up but the tires wouldn't grip in the deep snow. I was horrified. I was shaking. The stress, on top of the coughing and exhaustion was almost unbearable. My chest tightened. This was fight or flight, full on PANIC MODE. Somehow I made it up the hill. And the next one. "Why are there so damn many hills?!" I thought. I tried to think of a different route home. I'd never paid attention to how steep the streets were before. I guess it could be worse. At least it's not San Francisco, CA (I'm pretty sure they don't get snow! Well there was that one time in 1932...) but GHEESH!<br />
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Somehow we made it home alive. Somehow I carried sleeping Michelle (who is 48 lbs but feels like 100 lbs when asleep and in her coat and boots) up to bed. Then I sank to the floor and wept out of sheer exhaustion and relief. I called my Mom to let her know that we had finally made it home. "I'm going to have to get snow tires though," I told Mom, "I CAN'T go through that again! EVER!"<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xb82r7eZLJY/WIjzfJm0IxI/AAAAAAAANFc/_cJzNhwSD7AIWGTpPKGdgKU2HIgDMPFdQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xb82r7eZLJY/WIjzfJm0IxI/AAAAAAAANFc/_cJzNhwSD7AIWGTpPKGdgKU2HIgDMPFdQCLcB/s320/DSCN6002.JPG" width="320" /></a>Whether it was the stress (SHEER TERROR!) of the night before or the ravages of the cough, the next morning I had severe chest pains (on the right side at least, not the left) and trouble breathing. The antibiotics hadn't worked and I needed a new prescription. On top of that I thought chest pain and breathing problems probably warranted another trip to the doctor. The problem was that my doctor was an hour away and I refused to drive in the snow again. So now I had to somehow get snow tires AND book a doctor's appointment while I was coughing and having trouble breathing. Good times. I toyed with the idea of calling 9-1-1 and having an ambulance take me to the hospital but that seemed a bit dramatic and I was worried what an ambulance trip might cost. Besides, everyone knew that the chest pain would be on the LEFT side if it was your heart, right?!<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5VRhrLJQKtU/WIjzUrw4xwI/AAAAAAAANFE/0CuIofxlVakzyMXMYPTc6QvBhfNEs9lyACLcB/s1600/DSCN5998.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5VRhrLJQKtU/WIjzUrw4xwI/AAAAAAAANFE/0CuIofxlVakzyMXMYPTc6QvBhfNEs9lyACLcB/s320/DSCN5998.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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I don't know when people normally buy snow tires. Sensible people probably get them in the Fall before the first snowflake even falls. Then there are the desperate last minute scramblers like myself who thought they could avoid it but cave after a bad snowstorm nearly kills them. I got out the phone book (I know, right?! I'm OLD SCHOOL!) and looked online for some tire dealers and started working my way down the list. It was discouraging to the say the least. I thought of Canadian Tire first but they only had expensive top of the line tires left in my size (my car's size that is!) plus they wanted to keep my car there all day and charge me to rent a car. I wasn't in love with that idea. Unfortunately every other place I called either the line was constantly busy or they wanted $1000 or they had a line-up out the door or they were sold out. I didn't know what to do.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7-8jDV23rM4/WIjzaLsLONI/AAAAAAAANFM/ZfmZVeWkbUEUPHkcV_KyHhVboBKu_fNuQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7-8jDV23rM4/WIjzaLsLONI/AAAAAAAANFM/ZfmZVeWkbUEUPHkcV_KyHhVboBKu_fNuQCLcB/s320/DSCN6008.JPG" width="320" /></a>Finally I was in tears. I was speaking to one guy and blurted out my situation: "Look. Is there anything you can do to help me? I'm a broke single Mom. I can't afford expensive snow tires. I have pneumonia. I'm having chest pain and trouble breathing. I need to see my doctor but she's an hour away and I'm terrified to drive in the snow again because I nearly got killed trying to drive home on the highway last night!' Yeah. I could imagine how pathetic I sounded. I didn't care. I was desperate. "Sorry Ma'am. Wish I could help you. Good luck..." Finally I figured I'd call Canadian Tire and go the expensive tire/rental car route. A major bonus with going to Canadian Tire was that they had a NO FEE NO INTEREST payment plan where you use your MasterCard and make monthly payments instead of paying all at once. That sounded extremely appealing! So I called and got an appointment. Now I just had to make it to the store alive! I was a nervous wreck. I had to wipe tears from my eyes when I was there. They filled out the paperwork and got me my rental car. "Does IT have snow tires?" I asked "or I'll be afraid to drive IT!" I'm always nervous in a strange car, especially in the snow but I just had to make it back home. Then I called the doctor to make an appointment. I told them the situation and they squeezed me in the next day.<br />
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So the following day I dropped Michelle off at school, dropped off the rental car and picked up my car with its new snow tires. I was pleasantly surprised that the old tires fit nicely in the trunk and weren't as heavy as I'd imagined. Even with trouble breathing/chest pain I managed to put them away in the garage and headed to the doctor.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--bh1cv4flHs/WIjzXUO_cqI/AAAAAAAANFI/ftndluBoQ8ktKWx6AmollADhuPY5QYVeQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6007.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--bh1cv4flHs/WIjzXUO_cqI/AAAAAAAANFI/ftndluBoQ8ktKWx6AmollADhuPY5QYVeQCLcB/s320/DSCN6007.JPG" width="320" /></a>After all I'd been through my nerves were SHOT. Feeling pretty fragile I was trying to hold it together at the doctor's office. Unfortunately there were sentimental Christmas carols playing in the waiting room. "I'll be home for Christmas..." and it was like a knife through my heart. I kept my sunglasses on and tried to hold back tears. My lip quivering. I tried to be inconspicuous but people glanced over at me when I went into a coughing fit. At least at home you can cough up the green mucus and be rid of it. In public you're sort of stuck with it. Hawking and spitting is frowned upon in civilized society. Especially for a lady. Now it hurt so bad every time I coughed I thought my ribs were cracked "This is just cruel." I thought, "I can't take anymore." As soon as I stepped into my doctor's office the dam burst. Through sobs I told her all that I'd been going through, still sick with pneumonia, then the scary drive in the snow, chest pains, getting the snow tires etc. "But you did it!" she said "No matter how bad you felt you still managed to get it all done." She made me feel better. By the end of the visit I was even laughing through tears. I told her about my trouble breathing and pain in my ribs. I'd been coughing so much I asked her if it's possible to crack your ribs coughing. She said yes unfortunately it is but that there's nothing you can do about it. You can't put a cast on it. It just has to heal on its own. This was not good news.<br />
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She gave me a prescription for a different anti-biotic this time since the last one had no effect. Again I had to pay $35. I hoped this one would help at least. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I felt like I'd been through a war. Emotionally and physically ravaged.<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">Then it seemed like things were turning around. The second antibiotic seemed to be working. I started to feel better! My coughing and other symptoms lessened. I had more energy. I was sleeping at night. I wasn't 100% but now it just felt like a mild cold. This was wonderful! I figured I'd be all better in time for Christmas. The doctor prescribed me a week's worth of pills. and booked an appointment for me to see her in a week and see how I was doing.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Though I felt great for a few days, unfortunately by the end of the week the antibiotics brought with them a new symptom -- antibiotic diarrhea. We're talking EXPLOSIVE, OUT OF MY WAY I HAVE THE *RUNS*! RUN!!! Now this wouldn't be so bad if I was just at home and could run to my own bathroom. Unfortunately on one day when this occurred, I was out Christmas shopping with my Mom. One minute I was walking around, feeling a little weak/listless but OK otherwise. All of a sudden, out of nowhere. I HAD TO GO. I had to go like there was no tomorrow! Unfortunately there were a couple of challenges in my way: 1) the public bathroom was way on the opposite end of the store 2) It was locked and you had to buzz for a store attendant to let you in. I don't know what sort of panicked look I must have had on my face by the time a clerk let me in. I *almost* managed to make it to the toilet in time. Like a volcano trying to hold back an eruption, it was a valiant effort on my part, I thought. Sphincter muscles: A+! The tiny stain/skid mark was a testament to my extraordinary restraint. It was a close one though. Too close. I almost wished I'd been wearing Depends. After a rather violent anal exorcism (and the toilet WOULDN'T FLUSH PROPERLY! AWESOME! Because I haven't been through quite enough indignity!) I exited the bathroom feeling more weak and listless but ready (I thought) to move on with my life. I just wanted to find my Mom and get the hell out of there ASAP and go lie down because I felt faint. Then another wave hit me. LIKE A TSUNAMI! My insides, churning and burning. I didn't know if I could hold it back a second time. And I was almost in tears because now I had to run to the other end of the store AGAIN and buzz for someone to let me in the bathroom AGAIN! And thank goodness there were two stalls because one of the toilets was out of order (thanks to yours truly!) To say it was a nightmare would be an understatement. Then I found my Mom and whispered what I had gone through and explained that I had to get the HELL out of there before I died either of embarrassment or dehydration. Or both. Fun times. But at least I got to hear the soothing tones of Christmas carols as a background soundtrack to my little excursion through hell. "Well the weather outside is FRIGHTFUL but the fire is so DELIGHTFUL..." (Sorry, I know this is way TMI but I wear my heart on my sleeve so why not my colon? That didn't come out right. Nor should it.)</span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zeXVdLZuPQs/WIj0DZ4f67I/AAAAAAAANFo/_V47rNqCbYcQyYTanmniL5N1rnbovjkQwCLcB/s1600/DSCN6012.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zeXVdLZuPQs/WIj0DZ4f67I/AAAAAAAANFo/_V47rNqCbYcQyYTanmniL5N1rnbovjkQwCLcB/s320/DSCN6012.JPG" width="225" /></a><span style="text-align: center;">After weeks of not eating much more than soup followed by days of diarrhea, not surprisingly I wound up losing weight. I got down to the lowest I had been since before being pregnant! I was thrilled! Usually every winter I wind up GAINING 10-20 lbs (and I did actually put on a few pounds in November after binge eating chocolate bars after Trump was elected President.) Now I had actually LOST weight in the winter because of being sick. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. So when I went to see the doctor, it was in a healthier, happier mood. The doctor was relieved to see me this way instead of falling apart like last time. We wished each other Merry Christmas. I was feeling good. I was on the mend. I still had a slight lingering cough/cold but nowhere near what it had been. Or so I thought...</span></div>
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It would be too much to expect me to actually have a Merry Christmas without being sick, wouldn't it? (It hasn't happened in years. Somehow I ALWAYS wind up sick on Christmas. Sometimes the whole family is sick.)</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q3scVcLSK5U/WIj1oH6YUoI/AAAAAAAANGU/-O0dbe9tog8tNE3vQJ_7AI1gncofgofQACLcB/s1600/IMG_0496.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q3scVcLSK5U/WIj1oH6YUoI/AAAAAAAANGU/-O0dbe9tog8tNE3vQJ_7AI1gncofgofQACLcB/s320/IMG_0496.JPG" width="232" /></a>Christmas in our big crazy family is CHAOTIC. A lot of people, a lot of presents. My Mom was concerned there was no way we would fit in the car with all of us and the presents to head to my sister's on Christmas day. So I made a trip to drop off a load of presents at May's ahead of time. Michelle was thrilled to have a visit at Auntie May's. She always says it's her favourite place in the world. She loves playing with her cousin Reggie. There's so much room to run around and they have a play room full of toys in the basement. May and Shane had their tree up. It wasn't quite as massive as some years (some years it was two stories high and so wide that they couldn't fit the couch in the room anymore!) but still bigger than your average Christmas tree! Michelle was so excited for Christmas and now that I was feeling a little better I was getting into the Christmas spirit too. I didn't even change the channel anymore when carols came on the radio. Sometimes I even sang along.</div>
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Unfortunately Michelle was still sick off and on with a cold and cough. Never quite as bad as mine but still a nuisance. Then Michelle even got a 24 hour bug where she was throwing up. That was hell on earth. Cleaning vomit out of the bed 10 times took years off my life. I had a bowl by the bed but sometimes I just couldn't catch it in time. So you tear off the sheets to wash them, AGAIN. I was running out of clean sheets. It was an endless cycle -- rinse in sink, washer, dryer. Another set. Rinse in sink, washer, dryer. Michelle had a fever too. I was so worried I even called Telehealth. They had me conduct a test to make sure Michelle didn't have meningitis. Thankfully she didn't. She was alert and responded to my commands. It was just a fever and throwing up. I put a cool cloth on her head. I didn't sleep that night. I lay there and watched her nervously. My eye was twitching. I cried quietly. It's awful being sick yourself but there's NOTHING worse than when your kid is sick. The next day I just gave her water and juice, then a bit of soup and a bit of toast to eat. I was so relieved when she was better. She wound up missing a few days of school and most upsetting she had to miss the night of her school's Christmas concert. Photoholic that I am it broke my heart to miss a potential photo op -- Michelle up on stage singing with her class. I was just glad when Michelle was feeling better. I would definitely never forget this Winter. It seemed like a never ending nightmare -- you think you're over one thing and the next one starts. I was hoping now the worst was behind us and we could just enjoy Christmas together as a family.<br />
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I can always count on laughing at May's place! No matter what is going on in my life, they always manage to cheer me up!<br />
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Shannon and I played with some Christmas apps on her phone. The reindeer were my faves. the Santa beard and shades was a little weird... I really wish I had the app on my phone but then I suppose I'd be playing with it all day and get nothing done! It just never gets old!<br />
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It was a good day. And for a couple of days I was REALLY getting into the Christmas spirit. I found myself singing Christmas songs. And then I got some great news from Michelle's teacher: they were doing the Christmas Concert again in the afternoon during the school day and I was invited to come! So Michelle would get to sing and I'd get to watch the whole thing (and take photos!) I was over the moon! Michelle was a bit less enthused. She sounded nervous about the concert. I thought she would have loved the opportunity to sing on stage but she seemed to have stage fright. Maybe because she hadn't been in school and didn't even get a chance to rehearse. Still, when she heard I was going to be there, she was excited.<br />
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Michelle was happy to spot me in the audience. I was thrilled I got to watch the concert. Each class did their own song/performance. I thought the kindergarten classes would have gone first and the older kids later but it was actually the reverse so I had to wait until the end to see Michelle sing with her class. It was adorable of course. I was in FULL Christmas spirit mode now! It seemed like the dark days were behind me. I still had a bit of a runny nose but nothing compared to what I had been through. Now we would have a healthy, happy Christmas...Right?!<br />
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Michelle was stoked for Christmas! I got some silly Santa hats and reindeer antlers at the dollar store and got some photos of us posing in front of the tree. I even had mini reindeer antlers for Ali but the cat wasn't impressed and they didn't show up very well in the photo anyway.<br />
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I let Michelle open some of her presents ahead. I had quite a few things for her because I'd started buying months and months earlier -- anytime I saw something go on sale that she'd asked for, I'd pick it up. She's so easy to buy for -- buying toys is fun, especially for a girl. There are so many cute/pretty toys it's hard to resist. I even like them myself (I always had a thing for dolls -- Barbie especially.) Now I get to live vicariously through Michelle and play with toys with her. We sang Christmas carols. We watched Christmas movies. We were psyched!<br />
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I love Michelle's smile here! And we even got Ali to look at the camera. This was a cellphone selfie. I often don't have luck with them, without a flash the pictures are often blurry but these ones turned out. I figured out how to use wi-fi at home so I could post pictures on Instagram.<br />
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Unfortunately after a few days without antibiotics, I was sick again. I didn't know whether it was the same cough/cold/pneumonia or whether I'd caught something else but now it was mostly a cold. It's like the green mucus had moved from my lungs but now it was in my nose. Great. Looked like I'd be having a green Christmas after all.<br />
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So on top of singing "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" I got to BE Rudolph with a red nose. I had a cold. This was ridiculous. How could this be happening? I thought I was getting better! How could I get worse again?! Then I started to worry I'd actually created a superbug by overusing antibacterial gel. (I'm OCD and tend to use antibacterial wipes and gel often at work, in the car etc.) At home I wash my hands 100 times a day but when I'm out and can't always get to soap and water, I use gel. What if between the antibiotics and antibacterial gel I had created a bug that was immune to anything?! Maybe I would have been better off rolling around in dirt and never washing my hands than being a germophobe that ironically drew germs to me like a magnet! They say you shouldn't use antibacterial gel but what am I supposed to do when I pump gas and then have to eat something in the car? (I commute A LOT. If I didn't eat in the car I would starve to death!)<br />
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So, red nose. Even my eyes were a little red. I would wake up in the morning with my eyes crusted shut. I still had green mucus in my nose and throat. Now it was in my eyes too. And I had a slight ringing in my ears. (It was NOT jingle bells!) WTF?! Hadn't I been through enough?! I would have gone to see the doctor again but now it was Christmas I'd have to wait. The last time I saw her I told her I was getting better because I really thought I was but it didn't last! This was too much. I couldn't take anymore. I'd been too sick for too long. I was sick of it! Enough is a enough!<br />
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Somehow I still smiled for the photos and for Michelle's sake. Because you have to. And the beauty of photos is you can fake it for an instant. You can't really tell how sick and miserable I was. RED nose and eyes, GREEN mucus, I guess being ill was festive in its own way...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZMClf-_A8-Y/WIpEgn4w2rI/AAAAAAAANJw/cFhZYCtM3vERheywNtciVYRf0sfwAkT9wCLcB/s1600/DSCN6084.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZMClf-_A8-Y/WIpEgn4w2rI/AAAAAAAANJw/cFhZYCtM3vERheywNtciVYRf0sfwAkT9wCLcB/s320/DSCN6084.JPG" width="320" /></a>To cheer myself up I made one of those "Elf Yourself" videos. It's become sort of a tradition every Christmas now. Every year Staples has a free site where you can add your photo to create an Elf video. You can pay to purchase the video (and I don't know why I've never done it!) or just have the free one until it expires in January. I snapped a photo of the video at least to have as a souvenir. I made elves of Michelle, Ali and I. I got a chuckle out of it anyway and Michelle laughed her head off. </div>
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I let Michelle open her presents from me on Christmas Eve day. Christmas day would be too busy/chaotic with the family and there wouldn't be time. I wanted her to take her time opening them and be able to enjoy/play with her new toys without me having to say "Hurry up! We've got to leave for Auntie May's!"<br />
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Michelle loved her presents. I didn't realize how carried away I had actually gotten until I went to bring them all downstairs to put under the tree. I just kept stockpiling things as I got them and putting them aside in the guest room (aka the "present room.") Once I went to wrap them I thought "Whoa. I may have overbought." But most things were inexpensive/on sale.<br />
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Michelle never tires of stuffies even though she has so many already. Michelle has an extensive collection of teddy bears, stuffed cats, bunnies, unicorns, you name it. Some she inherited from me (yes I collected stuffies myself even BEFORE I had a child. "I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid!") others we picked up along the way. Michelle loves stuffed animals. She's very affectionate and always has one to hug going to bed. She always brings one along to school, for car rides etc. Some kids have a comfort blankie, she has comfort animals. And which one is her fave changes all the time. She's a fickle girl. Sometimes it's a bear, other times it's a stuffed cat or a bunny. You just never know who will become her new inanimate best friend to take with her everywhere.<br />
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Of course Michelle's favourite cuddly animal isn't a stuffie but her real furry sister, Ali! Ali is a big cat. She weighs almost as much as Michelle (I got her a diet food but she just eats twice as much of it!)<br />
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Michelle loves dogs too. She has asked about having a dog and I told her it would be impossible with my schedule. Dogs are very needy, almost like children. Cats are more independent. You leave them food and water (Ali has endless feeders that would last a month or at least a couple of weeks) and a litter box and they're good to go. Of course they like affection and attention sometimes too (on their terms!) but they can at least be trusted alone for a day without destroying the place.<br />
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I snapped a lot of pictures. Many of them were blurry or had Michelle with tissue paper in front of her face but sometimes I actually got lucky and caught a smile. My Mom would say that I'm spoiling her but Michelle is so sweet and always so grateful for everything that it makes me want to do things for her. Besides I get to play with her toys too! So it's like they're for both of us. Honestly I have more fun shopping at Toys R Us than anywhere else. To me, kids are what make Christmas fun. She won't be a child forever so why not enjoy it as long as it lasts? I remember being a kid and being so excited for Christmas. As you grow up you start to lose that. Although I guess there are adult versions of "toys" they're usually expensive electronics and honestly nothing ever quite elicits the same thrill as you felt getting toys as a kid. Most adult presents are more practical than fun. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking a cozy pair of pajamas or socks but honestly how excited can you get about a pair of socks?<br />
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One thing Michelle had asked me for were Qixels. I was reluctant to get them because to me they didn't really make sense to me. Her cousin Reggie had them. They're these little plastic beads and you put them together in a design and then spray it with water so that they glue together. Then you have these flat pixelated (is that even a word? Spell check is saying no...) things. So I wasn't impressed but then I saw them on sale and thought "Well, she did ASK for them..." A lot of the things she asked for she'd seen in commercials. Marketing at its best. One thing she'd asked for that I wasn't able to give her was a Hatchimal. I asked several times in several different stores and they had been sold out everywhere and no one was getting more in before Christmas. I didn't know what the company's (Spin Master, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada apparently!) problem was. How do you have a sell-out product and then MISS THE CHRISTMAS MARKET! Would you not do everything in your power to manufacture and ship them ASAP to cash in on CHRISTMAS SALES?! Dudes, I don't want to tell you how to run your business but COME ON! (I actually heard later that there were some problems with them -- the robot creatures being defective, not hatching from their eggs etc so I guess they had some bugs to work out but still. I also heard that the company chose to ship all that they had to the US market so that Canada was shafted -- how's that for loyalty? I still can't comprehend it. I mean I don't know much about the manufacturing process but I would imagine if I had a sell-out product that millions of people wanted I would DO EVERYTHING WITHIN MY POWER TO MAKE MORE AND GET THEM INTO STORES for the biggest sales period of the year! We're talking CHRISTMAS! It's now or never! I was so relieved Michelle didn't ask Santa for a Hatchimal because apparently even Santa himself couldn't have gotten his hands on one!<br />
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Michelle had a ball opening her presents. It took quite a while. Then she had fun playing with them. I told her we'd be going to Auntie May's the next day for Christmas and there she'd get her presents from the rest of the family -- Grandma and Grandpa, Auntie May, Uncle Chris and Christina, Uncle Mike and Auntie Barb. I knew it would be sheer anarchy with so many people and so much going on. It was nice to have a day to celebrate Christmas with just the two of us and then another Christmas with the whole gang. I just wished that I was feeling better. It was so frustrating when I thought I was on the mend and then it only lasted a couple of days.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oRq7NWrRjS8/WIpGRxtwd2I/AAAAAAAANME/gq5AYvOAp0grbYFrg1Xm0p7IQrvp_CBGACLcB/s1600/DSCN6215%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oRq7NWrRjS8/WIpGRxtwd2I/AAAAAAAANME/gq5AYvOAp0grbYFrg1Xm0p7IQrvp_CBGACLcB/s320/DSCN6215%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="234" /></a>I was so exhausted by the time we got to Christmas Eve that I couldn't wait to get to sleep. I still read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" which is a family tradition. Mom used to read/recite it to us every year and now I do it. I was also thrilled to hear Michelle read a story entirely by herself! A friend in her class gave her a book about a puppy at Christmas. It's a level 2 reader but Michelle got all through it (with a little help from me) sounding words out. I was so proud of her! She started off reading simple books with one or two words per page and then worked her way up to books with a sentence or two per page. I was ecstatic! Seeing your child start to READ ON HER OWN is one of the most exciting moments as a parent! I am SO PROUD of her! I'm amazed at what she can draw and read and write at 4 years old. I'd like to think I can take some of the credit because I was reading to her even before she was born and she has loved books since she was a baby. I figured it's never too early to read to your child. My Mom read to me in utero and she thinks that's what started my love of words/writing. (Thousands of poems, songs, some stories and of course this blog!)</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wx6_H2w3PFg/WIpJLUgfrjI/AAAAAAAANMg/9kfy0IHUbkQR_yyy7vGzwxKodnWH1BSSQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6218.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wx6_H2w3PFg/WIpJLUgfrjI/AAAAAAAANMg/9kfy0IHUbkQR_yyy7vGzwxKodnWH1BSSQCLcB/s320/DSCN6218.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle was excited for Christmas morning. Would Santa come? Would he bring the Dragon she had asked for? She was concerned that because we didn't have a fireplace maybe Santa wouldn't be able to get in. I explained that not everyone has a fireplace but that Santa finds a way. And sure enough, when we went downstairs Christmas morning there were presents under the tree for Michelle and I from Santa! Michelle was SO EXCITED! </div>
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Yes Michelle got her Dragon! She loved it. I had to admit Torch was pretty cute. He moved his little head around and made adorable baby dragon noises. His mouth lit up and some mist came out that looked like smoke. Michelle wanted to bring him with us to Auntie May's but I explained that he might get broken and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring him out in the cold and snow. She could play with him again when we got back home. I told her she could bring a soft toy with her for the trip but not a robot. Besides she'd have other new toys at May's and we'd have enough things to have to transport back home after.<br />
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I took a lot of photos of Michelle with her dragon but this is my favourite. I love her smile here and I caught the dragon just a the moment that his mouth is glowing red and it looks like he's breathing fire! (Luckily I had C batteries and distilled water handy! Not included! Santa doesn't think of everything!) <br />
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I have the best sister in the world! May got me a Happy Light -- a special light to help me with my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was so moved. I had thought about getting one for myself but didn't. It was so thoughtful. I hoped that it would help. Fall and Winter are always tough on me. The lack of sunlight translates into a lack of energy and depression. I had read that having a light that simulates sunlight can make a big difference. Years ago when I'd gone tanning in the winter I found that just a few minutes under those bright lights made me feel like I'd been in the sun and it was a HUGE mood boost on a dark winter's day. I hoped it would be something like that. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Literally. Of course May IS my happy light a lot of the time. She's the one who can usually cheer me up when no one and nothing else can. But she can't be there ALL the time. So at least now I have a light I can plug and help me on those dark winter mornings so I don't have to call May EVERY DAY!<br />
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Of course if you follow my blog then you know I ALWAYS insist on getting the group photo for every occasion and let me tell you -- it is NOT EASY with this big group! People usually grumble about posing but it is not negotiable! Everyone must attend! It's a challenge but we did it and we're all looking and most of us smiling. Since most of them wouldn't be seeing my dad for his birthday too we did a combination Christmas and birthday celebration for Dad. One of the downfalls of having a birthday close to another occasion -- you kind of get lumped in with it. I always have separate Christmas and birthday presents for Dad though. It wouldn't be fair to do a two-for-one.<br />
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And naturally I always have to get the group shot with the cake, even though sometimes the candles look like they're going to burn down by the time the camera clicks. It's not easy trying to sing Happy Birthday, set up the timer, count to 10 and then run to pose all at the same time but someone has to do it!<br />
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"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Da-add (Grandpa/Tony/etc) Happy Birthday to you!" (Whoever wrote this song is a genius by the way. Imagine if they could actually collect royalties on it!)<br />
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Michelle and I still saw Grandpa on his actual birthday. I was feeling pretty rough.The cold portion of my cough/cold/pneumonia/illness since November was in full force. My nose was stuffed and my eyes were red and sore. As long as the pictures weren't too close up you couldn't see quite how red my eyes or nose were.<br />
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It had been a rough go but at least we had made it through December! 2016 (horrible year that it was for a number of reasons!) was ending. January was a new start. I was hopeful that 2017 would bring brighter days ahead...<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nKhO8JEEKqQ/WIpQBrilO4I/AAAAAAAANPo/Rh7zhctSLNgwjm6vLVKoqWVluFvSPnprwCLcB/s1600/DSCN6464.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nKhO8JEEKqQ/WIpQBrilO4I/AAAAAAAANPo/Rh7zhctSLNgwjm6vLVKoqWVluFvSPnprwCLcB/s320/DSCN6464.JPG" width="320" /></a>Shannon had outgrown her pink and purple phase and wanted to paint her room a more muted periwinkle. May and Shannon asked if I would help them paint. I like painting walls as well as canvases so I said OK even though I was still sick and feeling pretty rough. It wasn't as though resting at home in bed was an option anyway. Michelle was off school for Christmas break and wanted me to play with her all the time. She was up early every morning and wouldn't let me sleep. So I might as well be doing something useful. Going to May's is one of the only breaks I get from Michelle because she goes off to play with Reggie and doesn't need me to entertain her. I loved Shannon's room when we were done. The pink and purple phase must be something all girls go through. Michelle wants to paint her room pink and purple. I may do it in the Spring when it's warm enough to open the windows. I'll try anything if it will make Michelle sleep in her own room which still hasn't happened...</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sgKZ3DTcGgU/WIpQVHpmX-I/AAAAAAAANP4/hqaPOz3y6L01yK6082sFBuX2AQZE3CPiwCLcB/s1600/DSCN6469.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sgKZ3DTcGgU/WIpQVHpmX-I/AAAAAAAANP4/hqaPOz3y6L01yK6082sFBuX2AQZE3CPiwCLcB/s320/DSCN6469.JPG" width="276" /></a>When I still wasn't getting better I made yet another trip to the doctor and got another batch of antibiotics, this time for 10 days. This time, sadly, they did NOTHING. The doctor explained that if it's a viral infection, the antibiotics won't help. But it was worth a shot. The doctor listened to my lungs and the "crackle" was gone. So the pneumonia was gone. This was something else now. A cold? A viral infection? "So you mean to tell me I hadn't even fully recovered from being sick with pneumonia and I went and CAUGHT SOMETHING ELSE ON TOP OF IT?! How is that fair? Like can your body not cut you some slack?! Oh she's already sick, let's not bother her with SOMETHING ELSE! Don't I have an immune system AT ALL?!" I thought this was the same never-ending illness and it just kept changing. Instead, maybe I was sick with several different things! The doctor tried to explain how stress and sleep deprivation can weaken your immunity so that it's more difficult to fight things off. "Stress and Sleep Deprivation is the story of my life!" I said. Aside from all the stress and chaos of the Christmas season and being sick I was also grappling with changes and new challenges at work. I would be working many more hours/days, commuting a lot more. I didn't even know how I was going to do it. Even at the best of health it would be tough. Being sick, it seemed insurmountable. Logistically and in many ways, my life was getting much more complicated, much more exhausting. This was not good news for someone who was already hanging by less than a thread. The only good news was that at least I was going to have benefits from now on so my next prescription would be almost free. Woo hoo. Free meds! That don't help anyway...</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MkSoFZ0YDFo/WIpRT_9z9nI/AAAAAAAANQg/iEtnRWq7CdAQpoEuSbS3w8MslVsA3kXKgCLcB/s1600/DSCN6477.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MkSoFZ0YDFo/WIpRT_9z9nI/AAAAAAAANQg/iEtnRWq7CdAQpoEuSbS3w8MslVsA3kXKgCLcB/s320/DSCN6477.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="251" /></a>After a few particularly exhausting days out of town traveling, working etc I was relieved to finally return home. All I wanted was to crawl into my cozy bed and go to sleep. I carried Michelle up to bed (which is always a feat but when I'm bone tired and sick as a dog, it nearly kills me.) As I went to take my coat off I realized how cold the house felt. It was weird. It was very cold OUTSIDE. We'd fallen on some of the coldest days of the winter, like 5 F (-15 Celsius.) But it shouldn't be this cold INSIDE. I went to check the thermostat. I had it turned down to 65 Fahrenheit when I left the house a few days earlier. It was now at 45 F! (That's 7 Celsius for you metric folks...) Yeah pretty cold for the indoors! WTF?! I couldn't believe it. Of all the times for the furnace to break down on the COLDEST DAY OF THE WINTER?! ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?! So I went down to the basement. I flipped the furnace switch in the control panel off and on. Maybe there had been a power failure? I switched the furnace off and on. (Because truly, the extent of my skills as a techie or handyman are turning it off and on and hoping that fixes the problem! If that doesn't work, I'm stumped.) At first it sounded like the furnace was working. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME HEAT!" I went and checked the vents. Nope. Cold air. Not warm air. I couldn't believe it. Hadn't I been through enough?! I'd been through pneumonia now I had a freezing house! It was a fairly new house. with a Lennox furnace (I thought they were supposed to be reliable.) How was this possible?! I called the number of the company on the furnace. I spoke to a woman who said that someone would get back to me in 2-4 hours. "I have a child here. It's winter. Please. It's an emergency." "Yes." the woman said, "I understand. Someone will call you." But she didn't understand. How could she understand what it was like to be a single Mom who was beyond exhausted after working 14 hour days; who was beyond drained after months of battling pneumonia/cold/cough/flu and God knows what; and who now came home to a freezing cold house and would be up with bloodshot eyes all night now when ALL I WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING WAS TO GET SOME SLEEP?! It was close to midnight and I was exhausted but I was too stressed out to sleep anyway so I sat up and waited. For a call that never came...Not within two to four hours anyway. </div>
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Michelle at least was sound asleep all cozy under the blankets and completely oblivious to what I was going through. I finally cried myself to sleep with the phone next to me. The next morning a repair guy called me and said I had misunderstood. The woman had said someone would call me within TWENTY FOUR HOURS not two to four. Nice. So they would leave a woman and child to freeze to death and call like a day later. That's comforting. Turns out that although my furnace was fairly new it was somehow, bafflingly (spell check says that is not a word. I say screw you spellcheck! It SHOULD be a word!) NOT covered under warranty and they suggested I call a local repair place instead because they were far away and would take forever to get there. Thanks for nothing! I called my Mom and sister for moral support. They both thought I should keep calling repair places and get someone to come ASAP but I'd had it. I needed an escape. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Uq4veb5pKSY/WIpQnmMz65I/AAAAAAAANQA/9HdMrSvdArEDmdEOtfNhg-0yqlpWWcLggCLcB/s1600/DSCN6476.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Uq4veb5pKSY/WIpQnmMz65I/AAAAAAAANQA/9HdMrSvdArEDmdEOtfNhg-0yqlpWWcLggCLcB/s320/DSCN6476.JPG" width="223" /></a>Before any of this furnace nonsense I had promised Michelle we would go to the movies to see "Sing" that weekend. It was a cute and funny animated film about a quirky bunch of animals in a singing competition. I figured we might as well go somewhere warm anyway and I needed to forget my problems for a couple of hours. Plus I figured I'd go to a nearby Walmart afterward and buy blankets and a heater (I didn't even have a space heater!) to keep us warm while we waited for a repair guy (who may or may not show up within 24 hours!) So we went to the movie and we loved it! You know a movie is entertaining when it makes you laugh in spite of the fact that your furnace is broken in the dead of winter! Afterward we got supplies at Walmart and headed home. I called a local furnace repair place and they were great. The guy was quite sympathetic and was there in under an hour! Apparently it was a switch that had to be replaced. I was so happy and grateful to feel heat wafting from the vents again! Unfortunately it wound up costing me close to $400 which I needed like a hole in the head after Christmas but what are you gonna do? Sh%$ happens. Especially to me apparently. At the end of the day, you have to be grateful for what you have. Certain things -- like having a warm place to stay -- we tend to take for granted. But I tell you that night I appreciated the heat like never before! The relief bordered on euphoria! And I had the best sleep I'd had in several months! Now if only something REALLY GOOD would happen for a change!</div>
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I had also promised Michelle that I'd take her to the indoor playground that weekend. She had a ball. I sat in a corner feeling sorry for myself and trying to hide my red eyes and runny nose. I watched Michelle running around and laughing. I envied her youth and enthusiasm. I envied that she got to just play and have fun while someone else got to take care of things and do all the work and the worrying. I missed being a kid. I missed having someone to take care of things. I wished there was someone to take care of me or even a partner to help.<br />
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At one point a girl fell and got hurt. She was sitting in the middle of the floor crying. I wanted to help. I asked her where her Mom was. "I don't have a Mom!" the girl cried. "Well your dad then? Who are you here with?" "My dad," she said. There was no sign of him. I asked what he looked like and what his name was. His name was Bob and he was wearing a hat. I went around asking random hat-wearing men (there were surprisingly quite a few of them!) whether their name was Bob. In the back of my mind I thought this might have actually been a good opener to meet a single dad if I didn't look and feel like hell. After asking three men who weren't Bob I started to feel stupid and gave up. "Sorry honey. I can't find him. Hopefully he comes soon..." Eventually the weeping girl's father wandered over from across the room where he had been texting on his phone, oblivious to his child's distress (OK I'm trying to be non-judgemental but I'm a helicopter parent so I'm hovering! And yeah don't worry I'll check on your crying children while you're texting on the other side of the room!) I almost wanted to tell him off. "Um you're daughter was crying for quite a while and you were NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Someone could have WALKED OUT WITH HER and you wouldn't even know!" But I didn't bother to say anything. I just shrugged and went back to my corner chair (which thankfully hadn't been taken in my absence). The reality is that out of the 100 parents there, roughly 97% were texting on their cellphones and not watching their kids. Not too many were neurotically trying to follow their child's every move like I was. For a while even I tried to look like a casual, hip parent and text on my phone, so I messaged my sister. I couldn't keep up the pretence of smug nonchalance however and still kept looking up to check on Michelle. Blue slide. Yellow slide. On the ropes. And any time I heard a kid cry I made sure it wasn't her. But that's just me. I guess it's different for everyone. Especially Bobs in hats. (It's a slight generalization but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that more often than not dads tend to be a little less attentive than moms. But I know there are exceptions to every rule so please, doting dads, don't send me hate mail! This is just what I have observed at various locations with kids and parents! If you are a friendly doting dad and single however, feel free to send me mail! I'm sort of kidding! Not...)<br />
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Michelle and I played table hockey and I let her win of course because that's just what I do. At some point I should probably stop because she's getting too overconfident and thinking she's invincible (or that Mom's a loser, or a combination of the two!) It was just so cute watching her face light up when she got a goal. Ordinarily I would rather have a root canal than play hockey but anything to make Michelle happy. And table hockey isn't quite as bad.<br />
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I'm not into sports myself but I will support Michelle 100% in whatever she wants to do. I just hope that she leans more toward ballet and gymnastics than say hockey/soccer. Michelle has so many interests I think she could do just about anything. She has a lot more confidence than I did as a kid (or as an adult for that matter!) I was always plagued with self-doubt, telling myself I couldn't do things. I hope Michelle always believes in herself and doesn't let anything hold her back. Then she can take on the world!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4RIBNWBWgwg/WIpRiov8lbI/AAAAAAAANQ8/pHnqfF-69LYIxKIRmceYNsshaI--B0pHgCLcB/s1600/DSCN6512.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4RIBNWBWgwg/WIpRiov8lbI/AAAAAAAANQ8/pHnqfF-69LYIxKIRmceYNsshaI--B0pHgCLcB/s320/DSCN6512.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="253" /></a>I took several pictures of Michelle but I always like to get a couple of us together. Setting up the timer is tricky in a crowded place. You set it down, count backwards from 10 and hope for the best. But of course sometimes you end up photobombed. Sure enough. The coast was clear but then some random kid managed to run right in front of the camera just as it clicked. We still managed to fit in the frame behind his head. I like Michelle's expression and how her foot is curled up for no reason whatsoever.<br />
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Most people look at me like I have three heads when I pull out my old school Nikon camera to set the timer. Anyone else just holds up their cellphone camera at an arm's length for a selfie. It's just not the same to me. They're too close up and usually blurry and/or unflattering. I gotta be me. I am a dinosaur. I will carry my Nikon as long as I can (scratched lens and all.) It's in my purse everywhere I go! You never know when a photo op may happen. Be prepared!<br />
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I adore Michelle's artwork. To cheer me up one day she made this "birthday" picture for me. "Happy Birthday Mama!" Michelle exclaimed.<br />
"Well thank you sweetheart but... it's not my birthday for several months," I explained.<br />
"I just want you to be HAPPY Mama!"<br />
"Thank you baby, YOU make me happy." A very merry unbirthday to me! I wished I could be like the Mom in the picture: To be all smiles and rainbow hair... Unfortunately most of the time I was feeling weary and anxious and things kept happening to stress me out even further. And my thin hair seems to get thinner by the day. (Post-partum alopeica I've been told. And STRESS doesn't help...)<br />
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Then I had a bit of a breakdown at work. I was running on less than empty. Still sick, no sleep, stressed to the max, working more hours. I just couldn't take anymore. Someone asked how I was doing and as soon as I tried to talk about my life I started to lose it. It's like you could have knocked me over with a feather. I was already on the edge and it didn't take much to push me. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I couldn't work in that state and wound up going home sick. The next day my eyes were COMPLETELY RED. I looked like a monster. I called my doctor and got an appointment right away.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Swz7iz_CUC4/WIpSi6IassI/AAAAAAAANR4/T9Ru1gRnp2sci7HxTB7Vl2fLPqAB__dEQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6531.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Swz7iz_CUC4/WIpSi6IassI/AAAAAAAANR4/T9Ru1gRnp2sci7HxTB7Vl2fLPqAB__dEQCLcB/s320/DSCN6531.JPG" width="244" /></a>I broke into sobs as soon as I walked into her office. I was rambling a mile a minute: "How can you tell if you're having a nervous breakdown? Maybe I'm having one? I'm just spent. I can't sleep. I'm stressed about work and finances and then my furnace broke on the coldest day and I'm still sick since November and it never goes away it just changes and now my eyes are completely red, I look like a monster and there's still green mucus in my eyes, nose and throat and a weird ringing in my ears and can I get something for my eyes and the antibiotics don't work and..." The doctor suggested I take some time to recuperate, try to relax and get some rest. She also assured me I didn't quite look like a monster but she gave me a prescription for eye drops to clear up the infection. She told me it sounded like I had a lot to deal with but that I would get through it. She also gave me a wonderful compliment that helped me a lot. "You have a lovely little girl and you've done an amazing job with her. You should be proud of that." It meant a lot to hear that from my doctor. I mean my Mom says it but she's my MOM! What else is she going to say? (Actually Mom is pretty negative and always finding fault so it is nice to get compliments from her too!) The last time the doctor had seen Michelle she was impressed by how well-spoken, polite and bright Michelle was. Sure my life might be a bit of a disaster, I might be a hot mess myself right now but my daughter was doing well because of the sacrifices I had made for her. As long Michelle was OK I could get through anything. "You do have to try to take better care of yourself though," the doctor reminded me. People at work had suggested the same thing. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qxtdadN0zag/WIpSge7-sqI/AAAAAAAANR0/8oHgqcwh2usxjbsYuGRTEldJJwYBi4BDwCLcB/s1600/DSCN6532.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qxtdadN0zag/WIpSge7-sqI/AAAAAAAANR0/8oHgqcwh2usxjbsYuGRTEldJJwYBi4BDwCLcB/s320/DSCN6532.JPG" width="259" /></a>The best person to talk to of course, the one who has helped me through many of my darkest days is my sister May. I ALWAYS feel better after talking to her. She is the best sister and friend anyone could have. She always understands, listens without judgement, knows what to say to put things in perspective. And she always makes me laugh! I'm so grateful to May. She gets me. Not a lot of people do. I'm a bit of a an anomaly and sometimes I feel like no one can really relate to/understand me. Sometimes even those with the best intentions wind up making me feel worse. I've been called neurotic/irrational/crazy (and that's from friends!) Since becoming a single Mom it seems there are even fewer people I can relate to. I can't relate to single people or married people. Those with kids or without. Even single moms -- because every situation is different and most people haven't quite been in mine -- can't always relate. <br />
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One single friend that I was close to before becoming pregnant I never hear from anymore and I stopped calling her as well. I remember one of the last times that we spoke was while I was breastfeeding. I was struggling with it. Michelle, even without teeth, was chewing me to bits! I was feeding her on demand, just about every hour. I was getting very little sleep. She was draining the life out of me literally and figuratively. I was trying to do the right things but it was killing me. My friend called to see how I was doing and she caught me at a very fragile emotional moment. "Why don't you just bottle feed?" she asked me incredulously, "Why keep putting yourself through this!" She had known other women who breastfed and had a rough time with it so they gave up and switched to formula. I was determined not to do that. I know that she meant well but she just didn't get it. "Breast feeding is so much better for the baby," I explained. "There are so many nutrients and antibodies in mother's milk that they can't replicate with formula! Plus formula is expensive and I'm broke and my own milk is FREE!" I was adamant that I wouldn't stop. There were too many good reasons to make it work. She didn't understand. She told me I was "crazy." Maybe I was. I certainly looked unstable with my disheveled hair and stained clothes. I didn't care about anything but trying to be the best Mom I could be for my new baby. Now, in retrospect I get that she was didn't mean to hurt my feelings. She was just worried about what was best for me. She didn't realise how much being a Mom had changed me. I wasn't single anymore. It wasn't about ME anymore. I would do anything for Michelle. Even if it killed me. I realised that she didn't get it and that I couldn't make her understand because until/unless you carry a little human inside your body for 9 months and then look into her angelic face and know that you alone are responsible for her well-being and your heart wells up with so much love it might it feels like it might explode, then you CAN'T understand. Just like my sister tried to tell me before I had a child of my own that having a child changes you and you feel more love than you thought possible. She was so right! Anyway, it felt like my single friend without kids couldn't relate to me anymore. I wasn't the same person she used to know. <br />
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Stubborn and determined, I didn't give up on breastfeeding. I got a pump which helped me to store breast milk for bottles to supplement nursing. A nurse at the hospital tried to scare me saying that my baby wasn't getting enough milk and I'd have to supplement with formula. That would have ruined everything. Instead by breast-feeding more my milk production increased (it's all about supply and demand! The more you give, the more you have. If you feed less, the milk dissipates. I think some women get bullied into quitting by nurses and well-meaning friends. When the going gets tough they're too quick to say "Try formula instead!" but if they just kept trying their milk might come in full strength and it would be so much better for baby and Mama! It's also a bonding experience that's extremely comforting for baby and Mama. There is nothing like it. But I'm rambling!) The point I'm making is call me crazy if you will but my baby comes first and I won't budge on that! Being rational has nothing to do with it. You follow your heart when it comes to your kid. How can you not? Even at its worst (and I had some rough times) I have NO REGRETS about breastfeeding. I know it was the right thing to do. <br />
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It's ironic because I had always considered myself a fairly selfish person, if I'm being honest. I wasn't terribly self-sacrificing. My version of love was conditional. In love relationships I liked to be in control and get my way. When the going got tough, I got going. I wasn't a big fan of compromise. That was my twisted version of "romantic" love. And it was usually a disaster! (Romeo & Juliet, Heathcliff and Catherine -- a dysfunctional co-dependent HOT MESS rollercoaster ride between bliss and despair, love and hate, DRAMA!) I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. But now this was an entirely different kind of love. A mother's love for a child, I discovered, is much more profound. Truly UNCONDITIONAL. It trumps EVERYTHING. You love your child MORE than you love yourself and you love them NO MATTER WHAT. Now I was living for Michelle. She mattered more than my own life. So when people told me I was crazy to breastfeed or let Michelle co-sleep or commute for hours so that she could be with her Grandma instead of leaving her with a random babysitter my response was -- I WILL ALWAYS PUT MICHELLE FIRST and do what I think is BEST FOR HER regardless of the toll it takes on me physically etc. It's the maternal instinct -- like the mother lion with her cub, you would literally give your life to protect your baby. That's just what you do. It isn't easy. Sometimes it's a trip through hell but if your child is your #1 priority then you do whatever it takes. It's non-negotiable. A primal maternal instinct. And it kicked in the instant I found out I was pregnant. It's like a switch went on: I will live to love, nurture, care for and protect my baby AT ALL COSTS!<br />
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Now maybe I'm an extreme version and the maternal instinct doesn't affect other Moms this way. We are all individuals and experience life in our own way. I can't pretend to speak for anyone else. This is my diary and my experience. I won't say that it's right or that it's universal. It is my experience. But I also won't apologise for it. And I don't appreciate it when people try to make me wrong for it. Tell you what: Agree to disagree. You do you. I'll be me!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yyv6-1ghs9c/WIpSpii_pTI/AAAAAAAANSE/IFv1vNFjyPEYBBsxdNOhsereUSMMpB91QCLcB/s1600/DSCN6534.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yyv6-1ghs9c/WIpSpii_pTI/AAAAAAAANSE/IFv1vNFjyPEYBBsxdNOhsereUSMMpB91QCLcB/s320/DSCN6534.JPG" width="273" /></a>Everyone has their opinion on how you should parent your child. And unfortunately they will share it with you whether you want to hear it or not! (If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Tip: don't hold your breath!) Some advice-givers/fault finders may mean well and are actually trying to help you in their own way. Some of them are just mean-spirited critics who like to tear others down. Regardless of their intentions, you can't let what others say or think affect what you know in your heart! You have to do WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU. This is what I feel is right. It's not easy. It may not be for everyone (or for ANYONE else for that matter!) but she's my child and from all accounts (my family, her teachers, her doctor) Michelle is a healthy, happy, intelligent, sweet, energetic, amazing girl so I must be doing something right! I love her more than my own life. No one is going to make me wrong for that! If you can't say something nice, please shut up!<br />
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As much as we may like to make things black and white (and there do seem to be two opposing parenting camps who can often be as militant as Republicans vs Democrats!), when it comes to parenting there is a LOT of grey area. What's right and wrong can be a matter of opinion. It depends on your situation, values, beliefs, personality, etc. Aside from providing the necessities of life, there are vastly different opinions on how to raise a healthy, happy child. It is a delicate balance between giving them enough freedom to grow and develop independence yet enough structure to keep them safe. You can be accused of being overprotective on one end or neglectful on the other, too strict or too lenient. Many of the things that the so-called "experts" said about parenting and doctor recommendations in my Mom's days were later changed after further study. The reality is that even eminent child psychologists and pediatricians don't always agree on what is "best." The bottom line is that YOU LOVE YOUR KID and you do what YOU think is best for them and tell everyone else to mind their own friggin business! No one knows everything. What worked for you may not for someone else. And at the end of the day, we are NONE OF US PERFECT! We are all human and just trying to do the best we can! Namaste.<br />
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Michelle and I made another trip to the indoor playground when I was feeling better. In the nice weather we go to the park. In the winter we hit the indoor playground. Kids need somewhere to run around and get rid of all that excess energy. Michelle always has a ball. Sometimes she meets another little friend her age as well and has fun playing with them. I sit and relax (or try to) on one of the chairs and watch her as best I can. Sometimes in the upper level of the playground she disappears from view and I sort of panic. I frantically look around and then find her playing with another kid. "Where were you?" I ask. "I got worried." There are certain parts in the upper level where you can't see your kids and it's a bit unnerving. Most people would just think "Oh well, they're all kids up there anyway." But sometimes there are Moms and Dads up there crawling around with the kids. I'm always watching like a hawk to make sure she's OK. I wish I wasn't a worrier. I wish I could be laid back and just assume everything is fine. Unfortunately I'm not built that way. My Mom was a worrier and she passed most of her neuroses down to me! The difference with me is I feel all the same fears but I still force myself to do things that scare me sometimes (like flying on a plane, climbing mountains, doing stand-up etc!)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nUne1zeho0A/WIpSy08ZFpI/AAAAAAAANSU/f7Hfzro2e0seCL6Qw3EsDai9XuILXHlOwCLcB/s1600/DSCN6547.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nUne1zeho0A/WIpSy08ZFpI/AAAAAAAANSU/f7Hfzro2e0seCL6Qw3EsDai9XuILXHlOwCLcB/s320/DSCN6547.JPG" width="254" /></a>I was feeling somewhat guilty about working more hours and having to leave Michelle more often. It wasn't my choice but I still felt bad. I tried to look at the positive. At least financially things wouldn't be so tight now that I was working full time hours. Of course to compensate for feeling like Michelle was getting less of my time I always promised her we'd do something fun on my weekends off. I'd ask what she wanted to do and she'd usually say "Go to the indoor playground!"<br />
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This time I even managed to get a photo of us together without being photobombed. (Except of course by a stuffed zebra lurking in the shadows...)<br />
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In the midst of her running amok and playing sometimes she'd run over to me and hug me. "I love you Mama!" "I love you too sweetheart!" I'm glad she's so affectionate.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4HBqD4EjVjw/WIpTJhBnT8I/AAAAAAAANSg/t4k5bW9gnOERGn1Zrt5mxZToJhfTpg-fQCLcB/s1600/DSCN6553.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4HBqD4EjVjw/WIpTJhBnT8I/AAAAAAAANSg/t4k5bW9gnOERGn1Zrt5mxZToJhfTpg-fQCLcB/s320/DSCN6553.JPG" width="252" /></a>"I love you Mama!"<br />
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I never tire of hearing it. And I love getting Michelle's sweet pictures and love notes. I may not have a romantic partner but I have more love in my life now than I've ever had. I have never loved anyone so much or so unconditionally. Even when she drives me crazy I told her that I will love her no matter what, no matter what she does, no matter how old she is, always and forever. Sure there are times she tries my patience, frustrates me, even physically hurts me (accidentally!) I loved this picture she drew of us with an I love you, kisses and hugs and a rainbow heart. I keep it in my purse with my calendar so I can see it all the time. And if I'm having a rough day I look at it, or I look at Michelle's picture and she keeps me going.<br />
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As proud as I am of how well Michelle is doing academically (her reading and writing skills improving all the time) I am even more proud of how kind and caring she is. Her teachers have told me how well she gets along with other kids. She is kind, compassionate and reaches out to help others. One day the teacher gave her a reward for a "good deed:" Apparently she comforted a boy in her class when he was hurt. Michelle was so happy with her little hedgehog. She named "Hedgie." Of course she has many toys but this one was special because it represented her act of kindness. She made a little room for Hedgie, setting up furniture for him and wanted me to make a voice for him.<br />
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I couldn't be more proud of my clever, imaginative, sweet girl. She often says she wants to be like me when she grows up. "Thank you sweetheart but just be yourself. You can do a lot better than me!" Aim higher, kid! You can do, be or have anything you want!<br />
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One day I got to be in class with Michelle. I volunteered for Scientist day (yes I know, I'm not ordinarily the science type but anything for my girl!) There were tables representing various sciences: chemistry, astronomy, marine biology and (what wound up being my table:) paleontology. I thought I'd get to be with Michelle the whole time but instead the kids were divided into groups and rotated so that everyone got a chance to explore all of the tables. At my table I had to help kids make a "fossil" (basically pressing a plastic dinosaur into a lump of clay), they could also do etchings, look at books, play with dinosaur toys and puzzles. It was slightly overwhelming dealing with so many kids and I had a new respect for those brave enough to be kindergarten teachers! The kids were mostly good. I noticed a difference between boys and girls. Most girls could write their own names on their bags while the boys could not (or opted not to at least.) Michelle was so happy when she got to be at Mama's table. I reminded her I'm not Mama for now I'm wearing my teacher/volunteer/scientist hat!<br />
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Even in the dead of Winter, it's always Spring in Michelle's world. The flowers bloom, the sun shines, everyone smiles. I love this world. Michelle will say "I made something for you Mama!" and it's another of her adorable drawings that invariably say "I love you!" somewhere on them. I'm not sure why this rainbow only had two colours (hunter green and eggplant) but it's OK. Rainbows are a favourite theme of Michelle's even though she's only ever seen a real one a couple of times. I guess she sees them often in cartoons and movies. Michelle and I both love Spring. Of course she doesn't hate Winter the way I do. Michelle can see the good in everything. Every season has its fun.</div>
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A visit to Auntie May's is ALWAYS a good time for Michelle and me. They got their Wii fixed so we could play the Just Dance game and had a ball. It is quite a workout! I get really into it and was happy to be the top performer a lot of the time. There were too many of us for everyone to register but Michelle just does her own thing anyway. Michelle LOVES to dance. She has so much energy. I had been sick for so long that I hadn't tried to do anything aerobic for a while and it felt really good to get a good sweat going! Even my Mom did it. She did pretty well and gave us a run for our money. Not bad for a senior!<br />
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Total photoholic that I am, I'm always happy to have more pictures of Michelle (even though I take literally thousands myself!) Her teacher was kind enough to share these snapshots with me (taken from September 2016-January 2017.) She'd mentioned before that if I gave her a thumb drive she'd copy the pictures for me. I finally got around to getting one. I was so happy to have the pictures and get to take a trip down memory lane from when Michelle started school. I recognized this dress from picture day. Michelle LOVES dressing up and I love to dress her up. I was afraid that being at school she'd wind up wrecking the dress between lunch and running around at recess but she did pretty well and other than her hair being a bit ragged she looked almost the same by the end of the day, pink floral dress intact! It looks like she's holding up a number 4 made of blocks here maybe to show that she's 4 years old.<br />
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This shot is cute with Kindergarten 2016 in the background and a prop apple on her desk1 Photo op! I told her teacher how I always have to take pictures of everything so I was glad to hear that she snapped photos of the kids sometimes since I wasn't there to capture Michelle's moments.<br />
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This little black and white bow dress is one of a few dresses I picked up at H&M. I just LOVE H&M children's wear! It's awesome! The clothes are really cute and so cheap! I think this dress was only $5! They have a lot of adorable t-shirts and dresses with cute animals (kittens etc) on them too.<br />
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In the nice weather I put a dress on Michelle almost every day. She has so many. It's so easy to dress girls. So many options with dresses and skirts and pants. It wouldn't be nearly as fun to dress a boy. Thank goodness I got a Princess!<br />
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Michelle LOVES making patterns -- whether it's drawing, colouring, with crafts or with blocks and toys. I see that she has a yellow and green/octagon-triangle pattern going here. She also loves puzzles. She does 48 piece puzzles by herself. She can get through some 63 piece ones but usually wants a little help from me (and I like doing puzzles with her anyway.) I haven't tried any 100+ piece puzzles with her yet.<br />
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I love this picture of Michelle smiling but not looking at the camera. She looks so grown up in her black floral print dress too. My little girl is growing up SO FAST! It's hard to believe she's 4 years old. It's like she was my baby just yesterday. Of course she'll ALWAYS be my baby! Time flies. They say time flies when you're having fun but the truth (as I've learned in the past few rough months!) is that as you get older, it still flies, even when you're going through Hell! November-February have been challenging to say the least and they still flew by in the blink of an eye now that I look back!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qMV7efVU8Gc/WJDyaaYqpbI/AAAAAAAANYY/PsFgu1eOMbwvulIblLxe9vvoOwHmomEvwCLcB/s1600/DSCN6609.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qMV7efVU8Gc/WJDyaaYqpbI/AAAAAAAANYY/PsFgu1eOMbwvulIblLxe9vvoOwHmomEvwCLcB/s320/DSCN6609.JPG" width="282" /></a>Whenever the jackpot is high ($10 million+) I buy lottery tickets. Lately whenever I get a ticket and the cashier says "Good luck!" I counter with "Thanks! I figure my luck's got to change sometime!" It seemed like one thing after another would go wrong and I kept waiting for better brighter days ahead. I thought, come on, let something GOOD happen for a change! A PLEASANT surprise! I'm due! But instead it seemed like it was just one damned thing after another to add to my winter of discontent (sorry for ripping off Shakespeare there. I'm sure he won't mind!) At the end of the day however, even on a REALLY BAD day, I have to be grateful. It could be so much worse. Just a glimpse at the news and you see the tragedies happening every day around the world. Bottom line is: if you have love and you have a roof over your head, you are blessed. Keep it in perspective. Enjoy the good. Endure the bad. This too shall pass.<br />
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I'd like to say that things did get better/easier after January but...not so much. February would have its own new set of challenges. Different sh$%, different piles. But somehow we'd get through that too... My least favourite month of the year for a host of reasons, February is always wonky. This one was pretty messed up too. (Of course, I'll save that story for the NEXT blog...)Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-50326980312394412702017-01-31T09:04:00.000-05:002017-01-31T14:38:22.761-05:00Scary Stuff...<br />
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Though I'm not a fan of Fall (as I've mentioned previously I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and Fall/Winter tends to drag the life out of me) it does have one saving grace: Halloween! Michelle and I LOVE Halloween. This year she wanted to be a skeleton girl so I decided to do Dia de los Muertos makeup for both of us. I used to be a goth so this kind of thing comes naturally to me. Michelle had a little skeleton dress and I had a skeleton shirt and socks that I got on sale after last Halloween. I like dressing up with Michelle to go trick or treating. I'm still just a kid at heart. At least now that I'm a Mom I get to enjoy these things again, through her. We went out early so that we could be back in time for most of the trick or treaters (because I love greeting them at the door on Halloween too.) But I'm getting ahead of myself skipping to the end of October. Let's start at the beginning...<br />
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I'm a little behind. Christmas is over, we're into 2017 and I'm just getting around to writing my October-November post. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--pSe7zzU9S8/WCtAnUmj8CI/AAAAAAAAMOo/YDAnLZ2SScE7EwnNp8dNRlcFfHqmrPu1QCLcB/s1600/IMG_0060.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--pSe7zzU9S8/WCtAnUmj8CI/AAAAAAAAMOo/YDAnLZ2SScE7EwnNp8dNRlcFfHqmrPu1QCLcB/s320/IMG_0060.JPG" width="240" /></a>With all the hundreds of photos I included in my last post I forgot to use any of the I-phone ones. My sister in law gave me her old I-phone. I'm still just mostly using it for emergencies though I have sent the odd text message on it (look how modern I am!) and I have taken some pictures with it. This is my fave I-phone photo taken in late Summer on the swing in my Mom's backyard. Most people only use their cellphone camera for all their pics. I still have my old Nikon that I carry in my purse everywhere too. Of course the handy thing about the I-phone selfies is that you can actually SEE what you're taking. I love Michelle's expression and her clasped hands in this one. Too cute. <br />
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I'm going to try not to go too crazy and post too many photos in this blog but I can't promise anything! I took quite a few pictures in October and November (especially considering I don't even LIKE Autumn...) Anyway, here goes...<br />
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Michelle was invited to her very first kid's birthday party (outside of the family anyway.) It was at a ceramics place where the girls would get to pick an item to paint. Aside from school I had never left Michelle before so I was a little nervous about it. It would only be for a couple of hours though and I figured I could go shopping nearby and come back. Fortunately I got talking to the Moms and realized I didn't have to go! I could stay and join in on the fun too! Again, being a big kid myself, this was great news! I was also excited that I'd get to stay to take photos! Which of course I can never resist!<br />
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We were sort of joking when the Moms asked if we could paint too but she said yes! It was harder than it looked. I was impressed with how well Michelle was doing. She chose a princess figurine. I picked an octopus. Michelle is such a perfectionist she was painstakingly adding details to make her princess like Cinderella (blonde hair, blue dress.) I was just trying to make a turquoise octopus that looked cute and not too gloopy. The brushes were scruffy and the squeeze tube let out too much paint (they set you up to fail! Usually it's kids doing this so they wouldn't know to complain! I was wishing I had my own paintbrushes from home.) At one point my octopus looked like Tammy Faye Baker with a little too much eyeliner/eyelash action going on but I tried to tone the eyes down a little. The Moms were really nice and it was fun spending time with them. I don't get out much so this was the closest thing to a social event that I'd had in a while! Little did I know when Michelle was invited to a party that I'd get to party too, with other grown ups! Bonus!<br />
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Michelle was anxious to take her Princess home but I explained that our ceramics had to be fired in a kiln to set the paint and give it a glossy finish and that we'd get our crafts back later that week.<br />
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"So if we win the lottery you'll buy it?!" <br />
"Yes," I promised. But the odds of winning are 1 in 14 million." <br />
"Can we go to Egypt too? And Disney World?"<br />
"Sure. We'll travel all over the world if we win."<br />
"So, let's win the lottery, Mama!"<br />
As if it were that easy! If only!!!<br />
"Well you don't just decide to win baby! You buy a ticket and you hope. It's highly unlikely." <br />
So, if we win I am committed to buying her this car. And doing a lot of travelling... I could live with that! Fingers crossed!<br />
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We decided to celebrate the start of October by putting up some Halloween decorations and making some black cat crafts as well. It doesn't take much to make Michelle happy, just give her some glitter and glue and she's good to go. We made a few sparkly bejeweled black cat faces. And then we were pretty much crafted and Halloween-ed out for the day.<br />
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The cold, dark and gloomy weather can bring me down but it wasn't too bad yet and there were still lots of fun things coming up in October -- our annual trip to the farm with Auntie May, Reggie and Shannon, as well as a school trip to the farm (where I was going to volunteer for the first time) and of course, one of our favourite holidays, HALLOWEEN! Maybe I'd actually manage to escape the ravages of Seasonal Affective Disorder this year. Sure. Could happen...<br />
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But I was missing Summer. So we decided to have a Summer day. In October...<br />
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We went to the Butterfly Conservatory where it stays Summer -- a lush, tropical jungle -- all year long! It is always beautiful and I always take hundreds of photos but this time I managed to capture the shot I'd always dreamed of -- Michelle with a BLUE MORPHO BUTTERFLY! They are my favourite, but usually the most elusive butterfly. You can never get them to stay still for a picture. This time however, we found one that must have just hatched from her cocoon because she was pretty docile and she didn't fly away! I gently set her on Michelle's arm and she stayed! Michelle caused quite a stir with kids gathering to look at her. "Is that REAL?! It looks like a bracelet!" I had to stop a few girls from trying to touch the butterfly's wings. "No! You can't touch a butterfly's wings!" I warned, "They're very delicate. You'll hurt them and then they can't fly." The girl didn't listen and reached over anyway. Forbidden fruit...<br />
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Michelle didn't mind all the attention. She was almost feeling like a celebrity with everyone staring at and talking about the girl with the HUGE blue butterfly on her arm! After a while however, the novelty wore off and Michelle was soooo over it.<br />
"Mama, I want it off of me now."<br />
So I gently took our friendly Blue Morpho over to one of the feeding stations (slices of orange on a plate.) I wanted to make sure she got something to eat and also to keep her away from prying hands as there was a large group of kids that would have been all over her. "I want to hold it!" On the ground every so often I would see a broken wing or injured butterfly and it would break my heart. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an insect lover in general. I will swat at a fly like there's no tomorrow and I believe mosquitoes are pure evil. However, butterflies are the exception. They are beautiful, perfect and good for the environment (flowers etc.) Horrible ugly insects like flies, mosquitoes and the like are parasites, spreading disease and generally ruining our lives. It's like the difference between flowers and weeds, good and evil, etc. (Opinions are mine, if you're a fly/mosquito lover, I don't want to hear from you. Ditto if you're a Trump supporter. But I'll get to that later. And yes I am putting him in the same category as flies and mosquitoes. Only he's far worse...)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wK7zJatkj8M/WCtPoIvv8mI/AAAAAAAAMR4/1jIHT4PpANwmFEqvtczEVzhtbcWmDbcZwCLcB/s1600/DSCN4465%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wK7zJatkj8M/WCtPoIvv8mI/AAAAAAAAMR4/1jIHT4PpANwmFEqvtczEVzhtbcWmDbcZwCLcB/s320/DSCN4465%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="257" /></a>Naturally, photoholic that I am, I would be remiss if I missed an opportunity to take a selfie with the Blue Morpho... Luckily I was able to get this one with Michelle smiling and the butterfly. Yes it was a good day. The happiest moments make the best photo ops and the best photo ops ARE my happiest moments! So it all works out! The times when I'm not having any fun whatsoever are also not coincidentally the times that I don't take any photos. (Generally when I'm sick, miserable, doing something unpleasant, general drudgery... Though I did take a couple of sad selfies for dramatic effect in November but I'll get to November later... November was a bit of a downward spiral for a host of reasons...But we're still in the happy moments of October during a day in Paradise so I shouldn't ruin it.) (You can probably ignore most of my parenthetical comments and you'd be just fine. I tend to ramble.)<br />
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It almost looks like we had the place to ourselves (which was far from the truth, it was actually quite crowded but I was just adept at seeking out a corner where no one was and snapping a picture before we got photobombed by some random stranger.)<br />
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Sometimes Michelle loses patience with my endless paparazzi tendencies but for the most part, she's a good sport. She's used to it. She knows the drill. Resistance is futile. I will get my shot and if you're cooperative and smile sweetly in the first take then I don't have to take another 4 trying to get it right (although sometimes I may anyway!) Hey, I'm OCD and this is the age of the selfie/Instagram so it's even socially acceptable now! I see other people doing it too. (Though most are doing it with their phones and not an old school Nikon with a scratched lens. That's just how I roll...)<br />
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When there was an unseasonably warm day we took advantage and headed to the park for a bit after school. Wearing capri pants and sandals in October is fine with me. Quite frankly I would have been happy to stay in sandals indefinitely. Unfortunately in Canada you can be in sandals one day and winter boots the next. Some people don't even know what to do. I saw a couple walking a dog with the female in a winter parka and the male in shorts and a t-shirt. I try to dress for the weather. Unfortunately we have had some REALLY cold and snowy days this winter. Even before winter started. But I'll also get to that later...<br />
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With Halloween right around the corner I was worried that all my dieting and exercise would be for naught. Unfortunately Michelle's school sabotaged my diet even before Halloween came. Yes, as schools tend to do as part of their fundraising efforts, they gave Michelle a carton of The World's Finest Chocolates (and I admit they are delicious!) to sell -- a.k.a. to EAT! So of course I ate a few boxes (after all they were sitting there, calling my name. As Oscar Wilde said "I can resist anything, except temptation.") and I realized we better get out there and actually SELL some of this stuff before Mama just eats (and has to pay for!) the whole box. (They're not cheap, either!)<br />
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Now I know they expect you to pawn your wares off on co-workers and family. I didn't really want to do that though I did actually sell a few to family and at work. Still I thought we should give it a go and old school sell door to door. I thought it might be a good learning experience for Michelle. Since we were staying at my Mom's that weekend for Thanksgiving, I brought them to my Mom's to sell (besides my neighbourhood was already overrun with Michelle's schoolmates selling the same darn chocolates! I had some parents show up at my door and I was like. "Sorry man. I have a carton of my own to sell! Good luck though!")<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GGaWkqwWinQ/WEmi_srTVLI/AAAAAAAAMUw/G-FH6Evf9e44DlUHy0IMGSLDrQFJAnf4wCLcB/s1600/DSCN4718.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GGaWkqwWinQ/WEmi_srTVLI/AAAAAAAAMUw/G-FH6Evf9e44DlUHy0IMGSLDrQFJAnf4wCLcB/s320/DSCN4718.JPG" width="320" /></a>So we headed out. I carried the box and did most of the talking. Michelle just had to stand there and look cute with slightly pleading "Buy my chocolates" puppy eyes. How could we fail? I mean, I was expecting rejection of course -- with sales (especially door to door) you have to expect more nos than yeses. But hey, this is CHOCOLATE! It should sell itself. Who can say no to chocolate? More to the point, who could say no to an innocent little girl selling chocolate?! Apparently quite a few people.<br />
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We went to one house and they said yes. Then we hit another house where the man was quite pleasant and even bought two boxes! We were on a roll! This was great. Unfortunately our selling streak ended abruptly. Next thing we knew we had a rather cantankerous woman giving us the third degree about what school we were from and what we were doing in her neighbourhood and how she would only support a school that she believed in and blah blah blah. I almost wanted to say "Umm. It doesn't have to be political. It's CHOCOLATE! We're not scam artists. We're a mother and daughter selling CHOCOLATES for her school. I'm not collecting for the Human Fund!" I just gave her a sarcastic "OK then..." and we went on our way.<br />
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But it got worse. At one door a grumpy old man answered. He looked us up and down.<br />
"What do you want?" he asked abruptly.<br />
"We're selling chocolates!" I said brightly.<br />
"Well I'm not buying!" he retorted and slammed the door in our faces.<br />
Wow. I mean, I get that you're old and cranky but do you have to be THAT RUDE to a FOUR YEAR OLD?! You can see there's a little girl there with me. A sweet, innocent, impressionable child. And that's how you treat her? What is WRONG with you?! But I suppose that's why they call them grumpy old men. And maybe it's actually good for her to learn that lesson. Not all old men are Santa. Some of them are mean. They won't buy your candy and don't dare take any from them either!<br />
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After a series of rejections (ranging from polite no thank yous to rude no ways) Michelle was getting disheartened. Her shoulders drooped and she exclaimed "I HATE THIS! EVERYONE SAYS NO!"<br />
"Welcome to the Wonderful World of Sales!" I joked and then I reminded her that not everyone said no. We even had the money (and a much lighter carton of chocolate) to prove it. You have to focus on the positives. We sold several more boxes that would not end up in Mama's tummy. It was a victory. We had to be thankful. Plus we sold a few more boxes at Auntie May's house the next day at the Thanksgiving celebration anyway.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X5ghngTHBPc/WEmk7338IGI/AAAAAAAAMVo/0Xvv9MeqQTENTIi-IybNM1GOSmFenJgAwCLcB/s1600/DSCN4757.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-X5ghngTHBPc/WEmk7338IGI/AAAAAAAAMVo/0Xvv9MeqQTENTIi-IybNM1GOSmFenJgAwCLcB/s320/DSCN4757.JPG" width="320" /></a>We have a lot to be thankful for. I love our big crazy family. Getting together with most of them on Thanksgiving was a blessing. The fact that it was a beautiful day was even better.<br />
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May graciously offered to host Thanksgiving, turkey and all. I made a turkey once. It wasn't easy. I'm very grateful that May hosts so many events. Not only because it takes the stress off of me to do it but I love being at her place. Michelle loves it too. She says it's her favourite place in the whole world. Of course getting to play with cousin Reggie is part of that.<br />
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It was a great day. The kids were laughing and playing outside. We were talking and laughing inside. Dinner was wonderful as always. I don't have a social life to speak of anymore so hanging out with family is as good as it gets for me. May is my best friend and gets me like no one else. She is always making me laugh.<br />
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Shannon looked beautiful in her Egyptian goddess dress but she made me laugh with how ridiculous she could look when we swapped faces...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ix9wFcIKk5c/WEmk8LeYF9I/AAAAAAAAMVs/XHB8mu4OCqUNwEgC7qXaD8R5Dv0hJJXXQCLcB/s1600/IMG_1391.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ix9wFcIKk5c/WEmk8LeYF9I/AAAAAAAAMVs/XHB8mu4OCqUNwEgC7qXaD8R5Dv0hJJXXQCLcB/s320/IMG_1391.PNG" width="180" /></a>The FaceSwap I-phone app is at once horrifying and hilarious. For some reason when Shannon's face is on my head, she looks like her dad. When my face was on her she looked vaguely familiar, like an actress I'd seen in something but I couldn't quite place her. Kind of cool but in a distorted/slightly warped way. And of course, making faces just made it that much more ridiculous.<br />
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Seeing Uncle Chris and cousin Reggie swap faces was bizarre! Chris' face on Reggie looked like a despondent Benjamin Button. It was disturbing but we couldn't stop looking at it or laughing at it. Chris isn't very photogenic at the best of times but when his face is on Reggie it's even worse!<br />
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Michelle's face on Reggie was just plain creepy! Like a disturbing doll-faced monster!<br />
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And then of course there are puppies, deer, flower girls, queens. Oh the fun you can have with technology! I asked Shannon if she could magically put the app on my phone (like she did with Instagram, Angry Birds and Cut the Rope games). Unfortunately she said you actually have to have an account with Snapchat and I have too many websites to keep track of now anyway. I just use Twitter mostly, Youtube for videos, this for my blog & now occasionally Instagram since I figured out how to tap into wi-fi. To be honest I don't understand SnapChat. People post videos that self-destruct?! I want to keep everything. To me that's the whole point of taking photos. To HOLD ON. Not to let go. Still obviously the app DOES allow you to keep your photos if you wish because Shannon kept some and even shared them with me. It's just as well that I don't have it on my phone. I'd be playing with it far too much! I don't understand why they don't have cats though. They really should have a cat app!<br />
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Of course, the Funniest Face Swap EVER award goes to May and Shane! When Shannon showed me this, I completely LOST IT! I couldn't stop laughing. I was absolutely in tears. And when I'm having a really bad day sometimes I look at it just to crack a smile. I don't know why it stretched Shane's face so much or shrunk May's face or why they somehow BOTH end up with a cigarette (even sticking out of May's neck!) It's just too ridiculous for words! I love it!<br />
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Through the week the best part of the day is always picking Michelle up from school -- seeing how excited and happy she is to see me. "MAMAAAAAAA!" It just never gets old. Every time it's like we've been apart for a month (when in reality it's only been 6 hours.) Six hours really does fly by when you're trying to get things done but I'm always glad to be with my girl again.<br />
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It was another nice day so we headed to the park. Then Michelle wanted to do a Halloween picture. She drew a ghost, a goon, a skeleton, a couple of pumpkins and the moon (she always shows craters on the moon which is quite realistic but winds up looking more like a chocolate chip cookie.) Michelle definitely had Halloween fever and the closer it came, the more excited she was.<br />
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Every Fall May and I take the kids to Springridge Farm for the Fall Festival. It's become an annual tradition and we all love it. The kids love it because they can pick pumpkins, see animals, play on piles of hay, go on slides, walk through a haunted house, go on a hay ride, through a corn maze and corn trail. May and I enjoy it for the same reasons but mostly because it's awesome watching the kids have fun and taking photos. There are plenty of photo ops including the obligatory cheesy cutout boards where you stick your head in. Here Michelle is a cowgirl. Little did I know she'd actually get to ride a pony later!<br />
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The haunted house or "Boo Barn" (you have to be careful how you say that!) is always a hit with the kids. It's really not that scary. It's just kind of a dark tunnel with cute Halloween decorations, flashing lights etc. The kids love going through and usually want to go through it over and over again (exiting only to squeal "Let's go through again!")<br />
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It can be a challenge to make your way through in a crowd (and on a beautiful weekend in October it's VERY CROWDED!) It's pretty dark and difficult to get a decent photo (as I learned the hard way -- the flash makes photos washed out but no flash makes it too dark/blurry. So you can't win.) Somehow May managed to get this cute shot of us with a flash and it actually turned out pretty well!<br />
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I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had pony rides. Shannon and Reggie weren't interested and opted to climb the hay mountain instead but Michelle was all over it. As a photoholic naturally I was THRILLED! We had to wait in a long line for her turn but it only cost a few dollars and was more than worth it when I got pictures of Michelle on a pony and actually smiling and looking at me! I was snapping like a fiend! The hoverer in me was slightly nervous about her falling off and getting hurt but she seemed pretty safe (and there was an expert leading the pony anyway.)<br />
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It was a perfect day, not too cold, not too hot, not a cloud in the sky and I was snapping pictures of my baby on a pony, so this was like the best moment of my life! It was photo gold. I couldn't believe I managed to capture a shot of not only Michelle smiling but even the PONY SMILING (OK so I realize he's probably not actually smiling but it's close enough for me!) Seeing Michelle happy really is the highlight of my life and getting to capture moments like this and preserve them forever is why I am a photoholic. I get to keep this FOREVER!<br />
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Whether it's a special event, a celebration at home or an outing together, I always insist we get a group shot, even when camera-shy May protests ("No that's OK I don't have to be in it.") There's no point arguing with me. If I see a spot where I can sit a camera for the self-timer, it's ON! And I think people are usually grateful I take these shots when they look back. (I know even one of my ex boyfriends who complained about my snap happy tendencies later thanked me for taking some of the only pictures he had with his Mom and his family at a reunion.) Life is fleeting. Bring a camera!<br />
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This was a super awkward selfie with my i-phone where I tried to fit us all in and obviously failed miserably (Michelle didn't quite make it!) The one thing I like about the iphone selfies is that at least you can sort of see what you're taking. Nothing beats the self-timer on my Nikon though to fit everyone in but then of course you have to find somewhere to sit it. As you can imagine in the middle of a cornfield this isn't always possible...<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QH-TYNC-u5U/WEr1bWIKxoI/AAAAAAAAMdA/P1GAyW4J97QUK-igy5JZQiUVxt7gPcbwwCLcB/s1600/DSCN5044.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QH-TYNC-u5U/WEr1bWIKxoI/AAAAAAAAMdA/P1GAyW4J97QUK-igy5JZQiUVxt7gPcbwwCLcB/s200/DSCN5044.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XAuT5MnZ-Gk/WEr2JOkk1GI/AAAAAAAAMds/YtC71CWiu1cOg9rByybzJSLPyQ8a5609ACLcB/s1600/DSCN5094.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XAuT5MnZ-Gk/WEr2JOkk1GI/AAAAAAAAMds/YtC71CWiu1cOg9rByybzJSLPyQ8a5609ACLcB/s320/DSCN5094.JPG" width="249" /></a>I set up the self-timer for another group shot and someone walked right into it but we got a good laugh out of it and I did a re-take.<br />
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It's amazing when I see these shots because it often looks like we had the whole farm to ourselves when in reality it was very crowded! Again it was just because I became a pro at finding a spot/moment where no one was in the way (except for the odd time when they photo-bombed us/walked into the frame.) It was almost two decades ago when I got my first camera with a self-timer (a Canon.) That was when I became a true photoholic and insisted on getting a souvenir shot in front of everything. Yes I was doing selfies long before it was cool/socially acceptable. The self-timer is awesome. Find a flat surface, push the button, run, countdown 10 seconds, smile & hope for the best!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wu97Vl1fE9A/WHekuP73VYI/AAAAAAAAMf0/6mOxf7W7iG4Mw7KRmTjWkkIWf0xyJ3DjgCLcB/s1600/Image-6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wu97Vl1fE9A/WHekuP73VYI/AAAAAAAAMf0/6mOxf7W7iG4Mw7KRmTjWkkIWf0xyJ3DjgCLcB/s320/Image-6.jpg" width="231" /></a>Afterward we headed back to May's house. Michelle had a ball as usual. Going to Auntie May's is her absolute favourite outing "in the WHOLE WORLD!" (Or at least until we win the lottery and visit Egypt!) I love visiting with May and the kids as well. I always wind up laughing my head off. We had fun playing with the Snap app on Shannon's i-phone again. This angelic flower girl filter was one of my faves. I love Michelle's expression here -- like a little doll/cherub!<br />
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Some of the filters of course weren't quite so pretty. Some were funny, others terrifying. The puppies were kind of cute. I still say they should have a cat app! There are more cat owners than dog owners, you know! Check the stats! The unicorns vomiting rainbows was special... Face Swap is always the most disturbing and hilarious. Shane and Shannon were beyond creepy! Like a giant and an elf! (Shane is the shirtless one!) Face Swap just never gets old! Again, it's a good thing it's not on my phone or I'd be using it ALL THE TIME.<br />
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Kids go through phases. You get one thing sorted and then there's another. You just never know what fresh hell may surface when you least expect. When Michelle was starting kindergarten for the first time in September I was relieved that she was excited to go (because I certainly wasn't. I was dreading it and if she had been screaming/crying/saying she didn't want to go, clinging to my leg as some kids did, it would have been even MORE heartbreaking for me!) Instead Michelle seemed to enjoy school. Awesome! She got through September. Mind you, she did get sick a lot (with an on-again, off-again never completely ending cold-cough but everyone assured me this was normal. Kindergarten is a petri dish of germs and kids catch everything as they build up their immunity.) As far as any school-related anxiety I assumed it would have shown itself in September if there was a problem and that now in October we were good to go, out of the woods, no worries. Not so much.<br />
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Suddenly in October Michelle started saying she didn't want to go to school, didn't like school. It became a battle every morning -- Michelle crying and saying she didn't want to go, me saying she HAD to go and asking her why she was doing this NOW?! Sometimes I'd drop her off at her classroom and she'd run back to me for another hug and another and I'd have to finally just leave her crying with the teacher insisting "She'll be OK." It was devastating for me. I went home and cried myself. I told May about it and she said one of her friends was going through the exact same thing now with her child! September was fine but all of a sudden in October he was freaking out and didn't want to go. I was glad to hear it wasn't just me. Why in October? I mean I get the kids that cry in September because it's new and they're scared but after a month shouldn't they be used to it by now? May suggested that in the beginning kids might be excited about the idea of school but that once the novelty wears off they might get sick of it and want to stop going. Maybe they were excited to try it out but didn't realize it was going to be EVERY DAY for the next 18 years or so...<br />
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Also I wondered/worried if there was a reason Michelle didn't want to go. Was there some traumatic event that happened? For a while Michelle said she wasn't going potty at school. I spoke to the teacher and found out that a few kids weren't fond of the bathroom because it was kind of noisy and smelly (Michelle can't stand loud noises and gags at bad smells.) So they got an air freshener and talked them through the noise. Some days she would say she had a "bad day" because a boy hit another boy or someone was mean or a girl said something rude to her or this or that. Michelle always seemed to be such a strong, confident kid to me. I thought she could stand up for herself but among kids her own age, perhaps it was different. I told her basically to try to be nice to everyone but if someone wasn't nice to her to just shrug her shoulders and avoid them, not let it get to her (if I had been able to follow this advice my own life would have been much easier! In school and beyond!) Her teachers assured me there were no real issues, that Michelle got along well with other kids and that if there were any problems they'd let me know. There were never any notes in her agenda that there was a problem. Other than a couple of times Michelle coughed, gagged and threw up a little. She has a REALLY strong gag reflex. It's a problem. Michelle was never involved in any conflict or anything but it seemed to upset her when someone else was. It's not a perfect world. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. This is part of what kids have to learn I guess. As much as I wanted to protect her and make her happy, I couldn't always shield her from the unpleasant things in life. Nor should I. This is part of growing up.<br />
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Thankfully Michelle's reluctance to attend school (mornings spent crying & pleading which was heart-wrenching for me!) was just a phase and only lasted about a week. Then luckily she was back to her old self -- my happy girl again. She still sometimes said she didn't want to go, that she'd rather be with me and that she missed me but she didn't cry about it and she didn't fight me on it. She accepted that this was just the way it was. Mama HAS to go to work. Michelle HAS to go to school. It's non-negotiable.<br />
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Of course Michelle did end up missing a few days of school. Some days her never-ending cough/cold was worse than others. Some days she coughed so hard she made herself gag/throw up (this happened quite often unfortunately, especially when she was in bed. If you've never cleaned vomit out of bedding and off your kid several times a night -- Spoiler Alert! -- it's HELL ON EARTH.) So I'd keep her home from school on the bad days. Michelle even wound up missing a birthday party because she was throwing up. She was so disappointed I wound up taking her to the indoor playground (where the party would have been) once she was better.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XkbZuTjm3hQ/WHensW_6c1I/AAAAAAAAMhA/GuQ6UaInbGQTds0g4lBgH0NFVGgG3_btACLcB/s1600/DSCN5152.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XkbZuTjm3hQ/WHensW_6c1I/AAAAAAAAMhA/GuQ6UaInbGQTds0g4lBgH0NFVGgG3_btACLcB/s320/DSCN5152.JPG" width="261" /></a>At least for one day I got to spend a school day WITH Michelle. I volunteered to attend a trip to the farm with her class. There were so many volunteers that I only wound up being responsible for two kids, Michelle and her friend, which was good because I was having a panic attack just trying to keep track of the two of them as they ran amok! At one point her friend had to go potty so I had to search for a port-a-potty on the farm. It was pretty stressful. Especially talking the girl through the experience (which, admittedly is not the most pleasant of bathrooms. Then I was worried I wouldn't find the rest of the class again and we'd be stranded there.)<br />
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It was actually a very fun day although exhausting. I always carry Michelle's backpack for her. (The kids had to bring their lunch in their backpacks.) By the end of the day somehow I wound up being the mule carrying Michelle's backpack as well as her friend's (which was VERY HEAVY! Her food containers must have been made of lead.) "Michelle's Mom can you carry my backpack too?" The backpacks, on top of their bags of apples and two pumpkins was a bit heavy. One parent shook her head and chuckled at me. "How did you end up getting saddled with all their cargo?" "Just a sucker, I guess." I was just glad that I got to be there and take so many photos.<br />
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Michelle had a ball walking through the corn maze (populated with straw/scarecrow versions of some of her favourite animated characters), playing in the hay bales, riding on the hay ride, picking apples and pumpkins and seeing the sights on the farm. She also enjoyed the storytime barn with pumpkins dressed as various characters from Halloween stories. The only one I recognized was "Room on the Broom" because we have that book and have seen the movie. Michelle was glad to have me there with her and kept hugging me. Her friend was very sweet and kept hugging me too.<br />
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Michelle's class left on the bus but I had my own car so I took Michelle with me. We stayed at the farm afterward so I could get some more photos. I'm a total photoholic so I couldn't resist having a photo shoot with Michelle and a bunch of pumpkins! It was a beautiful day which was really lucky because there had been some cold and rainy days in October. It's not often but sometimes things actually work out... It would have been an awful day if it was cold and raining and muddy to walk around the farm. Grateful for a lovely day!<br />
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We were in a Halloween mood so we made a trip to Spirit Halloween after the farm to visit Michelle's friend the Werewolf... She had met him on a previous visit. Most kids might be a little wary of a large animatronic wolf with glowing eyes and sharp teeth but Michelle is a little different. She was talking to him, hugging him, even put her little hand in his rubber jaws. My daughter is a true goth! That being said there were some monsters in the store that were too creepy even for her and she stayed clear of them. Some of them even gave me the willies... (The Insane Hotel at the back of the store had a collection of zombies, disemboweled corpses etc...)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_qvqZq42Nfc/WHel6-TfVyI/AAAAAAAAMgg/zRfnkV_nyZcLstqslUg_oSs3DLD1FnfKwCLcB/s1600/DSCN5139.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_qvqZq42Nfc/WHel6-TfVyI/AAAAAAAAMgg/zRfnkV_nyZcLstqslUg_oSs3DLD1FnfKwCLcB/s320/DSCN5139.JPG" width="249" /></a>I love Michelle's artwork. It's so cute. Her pictures are getting more colourful, detailed and imaginative. She's so meticulous about colouring and staying within the lines too. My Mom says she's really advanced for her age as far as drawing and colouring goes. I love this cute Shopkins Cupcake. Her characters are always happy. No matter what it is -- be it a person, inanimate object, tree, sun, pumpkin, it is SMILING! I'm glad that Michelle has a generally cheery disposition. I don't unfortunately. While I am content most of the time, I do let things beyond my control (which is unfortunately EVERYTHING!) drag me down. When I'm sick, tired and stressed it's tough to force a smile sometimes. Though I do try for Michelle's sake. I smile for her then turn with a heavy sigh. And cry quietly when she can't see/hear me. I want to at least appear to be strong for her. Of course it's easier to be happy as a kid when you have no worries or responsibilities. Harder for me when I feel like I carry the weight of the world sometimes. </div>
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We carved our pumpkins before Halloween so we'd get to enjoy them for a few days. Michelle wanted to design one and I did the other. She chose to draw the face on our white "ghost" pumpkin. Last year when I was carving Michelle wanted no part of it because she thought the guts were too "gross." This year she was a little more adventurous and willing to do some of the scooping. Of course I didn't let her do the carving. I told her she's not handling knives until she's much older. And even I have a hard time cutting through the pumpkins. And my brother in law injured himself carving a pumpkin once. So I probably will NEVER let her carve them! (Maybe when she's a teenager...) <br />
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After our pumpkins were carved we posed with our "ghoul friend" who was going to sit on the porch on Halloween night to scare and delight trick or treaters, but until then was residing on our stairs (because that's not creepy at all.) Michelle wasn't afraid of him/her. She even talked to him sometimes on her way up the stairs. I didn't want to waste the batteries but sometimes it was fun to turn on the ghoul's eyes and watch them change colours. It's the little things that make me smile...<br />
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I hate Fall but I love Halloween. I hate Winter but I love Christmas. Somehow you just have to find a way to focus on the good to get through the bad. Or try anyway. Sometimes it's harder than others...<br />
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Another annual tradition we share with Auntie May is that we always have a Halloween dress rehearsal at May's place. It's fun getting pictures of the kids in their costumes. Plus, living in different cities we don't get to see Reggie and Shannon on Halloween so it's like we get to share an early Halloween with them. Michelle didn't want full makeup for the dress rehearsal. She said it was too itchy even just having a little black around her eyes. Shannon did her own Dia de los Muertos makeup and she was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! She's an awesome artist. She also painted one of her Pullip dolls with the Dia de los Muertos theme. Reggie was an adorable Pikachu (I think that's what it's called?) from Pokemon. Michelle of course was my little skeleton girl. I planned to dress up for Halloween but wasn't feeling ambitious enough to get made up for the dress rehearsal.<br />
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I just can't resist a photo op! As you can see I got a little snap happy with photos of the kids. It wasn't too cold outside so they posed on the porch for several shots. I even managed to get some smiles out of Michelle. She was very excited about Halloween. Shannon is at an age where some of her friends don't want to go out or dress up for Halloween (party poopers!) I think because Shannon is an artist she appreciates the artistry of it. You might as well have fun and dress up whenever you can! I'm an adult (supposedly) and even I enjoy it. I'm glad that I get to take Michelle trick or treating so I can enjoy sharing it with her. I like answering the door to trick or treaters as well. Back in the day (when I actually had a social life, boyfriends etc) I used to go to Halloween parties etc but really my favourite part of the holiday is sharing it with the kids!<br />
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And of course we had fun with the Halloween filters on the Snap app. Michelle was cute and creepy as a vampire with red eyes and long fangs. As she will point out, she has actual vampire teeth (pointed canines!) in real life but they're not quite THIS long and sharp. We took turns being vampires, zombies etc. Shannon was kind enough to email me the photos after. I still don't quite understand the whole SnapChat thing -- how you can take mini videos that disappear after they're viewed but you can snap pictures that you can keep. I would ALWAYS want to keep the videos and photos! What is the point of taking/sending a video that self destructs?! The whole reason I take photos is to hold on to the moment forever. Maybe it's a Millennial thing. I'm just not hip enough to understand the Snap phenomenon which is why I don't set up an account (also I wouldn't know how unless Shannon did it for me.) I guess if it was a really embarrassing video you would WANT it to disappear but then why even take/send it?!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lDSjbIGXEhY/WHe0VYtsJaI/AAAAAAAAMpc/w-6_jOSsbFshbHGhEP1W_0hvFmeJ4AXLwCLcB/s1600/DSCN5399%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lDSjbIGXEhY/WHe0VYtsJaI/AAAAAAAAMpc/w-6_jOSsbFshbHGhEP1W_0hvFmeJ4AXLwCLcB/s320/DSCN5399%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a>As promised I took Michelle to the indoor playground to make up for the visit she had missed the day of the birthday party when she was throwing up. She had a ball even without a whole group of kids with her. She loves running around, climbing and sliding. In the Fall when it's not quite nice enough to go to the park it's nice to have somewhere kids can play indoors. I enjoy watching Michelle and getting photos. Sometimes I get a little panicked if I don't see her for a minute (there are parts in the upper climbing level where you can't see them!) but then she resurfaces. I don't think other parents hover the way I do (most are too busy texting on their phones to even notice when their kid falls and gets hurt -- it has happened a few times!) but I'm a total helicopter parent.</div>
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When I see an opportunity to set up the self-timer, I go for it. They have a jungle theme and some nice animal murals so I figured we might as well pose in front of them. People sometimes look at me a little strangely but I don't care. You can take your awkward too-close cellphone selfies. I'll take my old school self-timer selfies with my Nikon and get more than our faces in the picture!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r_UG---ueTs/WHe2ycR89cI/AAAAAAAAMq8/V28mQEKFONocCgV5VlU67K3ULBC8B8h_gCLcB/s1600/IMG_0226.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r_UG---ueTs/WHe2ycR89cI/AAAAAAAAMq8/V28mQEKFONocCgV5VlU67K3ULBC8B8h_gCLcB/s320/IMG_0226.JPG" width="264" /></a>Michelle and I were psyched for Halloween. It was a school day and the kids had the option to wear their costume to school. Michelle wanted to wear her skeleton dress but didn't want to wear her makeup because it might be "itchy" or uncomfortable to wear for a full day. I had planned to dress up too. I did some calculating and determined that there wouldn't be enough time after picking Michelle up from school to do her makeup and mine and get dinner and still be out of the house by 5:30 pm (I wanted to go trick or treating super early so I could be back in time for the trick or treaters coming to our door -- which is a part of Halloween that I love too.) It's one of the drawbacks of being a single Mom -- you can't be in two places at once! So I make do by taking Michelle out early and leaving a bowl on the porch with a note: "We're trick or treating! Be back soon! Help yourself!" I save the good candy (chocolates for when I'm back home and put a bowl of rockets out for the early birds. The bowl was almost empty when we got back. Anyway to save time I did my makeup ahead of time but this meant I would be going to pick Michelle up as a skeleton Mom. This didn't really bother me. I used to be a goth. I did get a few strange glances. And yes I was the only Mom in Halloween makeup until another Mom showed up as a fox. So we bonded and got a selfie... Everyone else was just boring and void of Halloween spirit!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XlE-PTRQBh0/WHe4RF_jinI/AAAAAAAAMrc/iNW1B4K5aJ8h9nFanH1m086nY13L8XTnACLcB/s1600/DSCN5453.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XlE-PTRQBh0/WHe4RF_jinI/AAAAAAAAMrc/iNW1B4K5aJ8h9nFanH1m086nY13L8XTnACLcB/s320/DSCN5453.JPG" width="249" /></a>Michelle loved her makeup. She kept admiring herself in the mirror. "Mama we look BEAUTIFUL!" Yes she really does love the goth thing as much as I did (and her father for that matter who loved monsters/horror movies.) Of course once we were done up I had to get several photos. Michelle was anxious to go out but I told her people wouldn't appreciate us going out TOO early. They may not even be home from work yet or would be getting dinner. We were going out early enough as it was. It was still light out. I was determined however to be home in time for most of the trick or treaters. It's always fun seeing kids come to the door dressed up. (I think so anyway. My Mom hates it. She's never liked Halloween and isn't a fan of kids coming to the door incessantly. She finds it a nuisance.) I was surprised to hear that some of Shannon's friends had no interest in dressing up/going out for Halloween. I guess it's not everyone's thing.<br />
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Michelle was stoked when we headed out. The wig didn't last too long. It was getting itchy and she ripped it off. She had a ball running from house to house. She fell a couple of times when she went too fast and wasn't watching where she was going but she was too excited to cry.<br />
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When there was a dark house (lights out, no car in driveway, no signs of life) I tried to explain the concept of not wasting your time because they're likely not home but she insisted on trying. So she would climb the steps, ring the bell and I would count "Ok...1...2...3...We're OUT!" and move on. I couldn't resist snapping photos of Michelle especially posing in front of some of the more interesting pumpkins and decorations.<br />
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Michelle got a ton of candy. We headed back home and I sorted out her Halloween haul. I claimed the things that she didn't like, such as Reese. Mmmm chocolate and peanut butter! Michelle had a few treats but didn't go too overboard. She's actually pretty good about not having too much junk food. I, unfortunately don't have quite that much restraint... Halloween was definitely NOT going to help my diet. I'd been pretty good about working out (yoga, tabata etc) and counting calories but once Fall and Winter hit usually all bets are off. Put candy in front of me and I can't resist.<br />
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We had a hard time getting Michelle's makeup off. She really doesn't like getting water/soap near her eyes during her bath so she still had a little bit of eyeliner on the next day for school.<br />
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And then, just like that, it was November. It started out OK. It was a mild Spring-like day and the sun was shining so we headed to the park for a bit after school. You have to make the most of the nice days while you can because in the autumn they become fewer and farther between and then disappear altogether. Michelle had fun at the park.<br />
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She didn't seem too disappointed that Halloween was over. I probably took it harder than she did. It just meant one less thing to look forward to and now there was just bleak, cold, gloomy, Fall/Winter to contend with (until Christmas of course.) It gets dark and cold and my Seasonal Affective Disorder starts to kick in. I stop exercising, start overeating, gain 10-20 lbs. It sucks.<br />
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I decided it would be fun to surprise Michelle and be her Fairy Godmother. It was like Halloween, the Sequel! I already had the Cinderella dress and wig that I'd picked up on sale. We had fun role playing. Unfortunately we didn't have a Prince Charming! After seeing both versions of Cinderella (the cartoon classic and the more recent live action version) numerous times as well as reading the book countless times, I had the dialogue down! Bibiddi-Bobiddi-Boo! I am still a kid at heart myself. And I really didn't want Halloween to be over. "Maybe I can be Cinderella next year!" Michelle said. I told her she may change her mind by then...<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nsMsa2jHHp0/WHe_tEkdV2I/AAAAAAAAMvc/EGJfo4qlqZo4epxZLnrBTv3bsiWgglb5ACLcB/s1600/DSCN5540.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nsMsa2jHHp0/WHe_tEkdV2I/AAAAAAAAMvc/EGJfo4qlqZo4epxZLnrBTv3bsiWgglb5ACLcB/s320/DSCN5540.JPG" width="248" /></a>As usual, I put up our Christmas tree early. It was always a tradition for my Mom to put it up the day of the Santa Claus parade (usually the second week of November) and I got into the habit too. This time I wanted the tree up before my Mom's birthday party which I would be hosting. I figure when you have an artificial tree you might as well enjoy it as long as possible. I enjoy Christmas decorations, carols etc BEFORE Christmas but after Christmas I can't wait to be rid of them. Half of the fun of Christmas is the anticipation. After it's over it's just depressing -- all the waiting and work and build up and then it's gone in a day. It's sort of anti-climactic. Michelle was excited to put up the tree and helped me with the decorations. She actually did a really good job of placing the ornaments. She even understood how to space things out. It must be her artist's eye -- she understands about composition -- how it has to be balanced. You don't put two similar things too close together, you alternate colours etc. <br />
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Far scarier than Halloween -- one of the most frightening days in recent memory -- was November 8th 2016: the U.S. election. Ordinarily I don't really follow politics but the fact that someone like Trump was even in the running made it kind of fascinating to watch. Like a train wreck. How could you look away? I watched one of the debates between Clinton and Trump and it was comical how incompetent Trump was. Clinton was poised, intelligent, reasonable, prepared. Trump was quite simply an imbecile. Someone aptly compared him to a student who had to do a book report on a book he hadn't read. #TrumpBookReport was trending on Twitter all day. It was hilarious but horrifying at the same time because this buffoon may actually BECOME THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD! An infantile, irascible, openly racist, Xenophobic, homophobic, misogynistic (with allegations of sexual assault), Narcissistic bully/Twitter troll who had defrauded thousands of students with a bogus university (and settled the case for $25M just before the election), refused to release his taxes (no wonder with countless conflicts of interest and a billionaire who has gone bankrupt numerous times) Trump was so despicable, had so many red flags it was hard to believe he was even allowed to RUN much less that he could actually BECOME PRESIDENT. After the things he had said and done he was an embarrassment to the country. Surely he didn't have a chance. So, like many others, I was certain that Clinton would win by a landslide and it was pretty exciting to think that this would be the FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT! History in the making.<br />
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So I actually watched the election results. At first Clinton, as expected, seemed to be ahead but then something disturbing happened -- Trump was in the LEAD?! This couldn't be happening. I felt sick to my stomach. The implications -- for America and the world -- if Trump won were horrifying. And then he won. Wait, WHAT?! It wasn't by a landslide. It was by a small margin but he won. At the time all I could think was this is not the United States of America. This is the Divided States of America. Half of America was (distressingly) full of uneducated white supremacist males who hated Obama, believed all the Trumpaganda about Clinton and wanted change. They voted for Trump. They wanted the wall (among Trump's outlandish promises was to build a 2000 mile wall across the US-Mexican border and to get Mexico to pay for it. Sure. Could happen.) They wanted to put Clinton in jail (Hillary for prison! Trump had his idiot supporters chant. Though for what I'm not sure. The FBI investigated her TWICE over the whole email thing and came up empty handed. Trump should be the one in jail since he's guilty of treason, colluding with Russia to hack the DNC and lose the election for Clinton.) The other half of America (sensible folk who saw the good that Obama was trying to do, who voted for Clinton knowing she was the only choice an intelligent voter with any morals whatsoever could make. Trump's catch phrase "Make America Great Again" should have been "Make America Hate Again" because he was inciting violence among his supporters. Clinton wanted to build bridges not wall. Hers was a vision of a unified America, caring, inclusive. Trump wanted to tear America apart -- to prey on his supporters' hatred and fear -- of other races, other countries. And the greatest irony is that somehow a billionaire sitting on golden toilet conned Mericans into believing that he cared about the working man. I just couldn't make sense of it. All the more maddening was that Clinton actually won the popular vote by 3 million but because of the antiquated (and clearly VERY FLAWED!) Electoral College system, Trump bluffed his way in. He was the President Elect. <br />
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I was in shock. I almost couldn't breathe. I mean, I'm not even American... Thank God I'm Canadian (and never more grateful for that fact!) but it terrified me because Nostradamus predicted a third anti-Christ would come into power and bring the Apocalypse (and Trump fits the bill!) Now an insane hothead has HIS FINGER ON THE NUKES?! This is not good. Trump has been compared to Hitler (and apparently didn't mind the comparison?!) has the endorsement of the KKK. The fact that Americans VOTED HIM IN is scary AF. I remember the David Bowie (RIP -- yeah 2016 was an awful year all around, a lot of tragedies, several celebrities passed away, Trump became president) song/video: "I'm afraid of Americans..." Truly I am afraid of half of America. The half that voted for a lunatic just because they hated Obama and Clinton so much and wanted "change" even if it's a change for the worst and brings on the Apocalypse!<br />
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I didn't sleep that night. I consumed an inordinate amount of Halloween chocolate (I lost count after 15 mini chocolate bars...) I was like a zombie taking Michelle to school the next day. I couldn't even force a smile for her sake. The sky was dark and ominous, a foreboding grey. It was a bleak, gloomy, utterly terrifying day void of hope. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been for Americans, the sane ones who voted for Clinton and watched as the Electoral College FAILED THEM UTTERLY and endangered all of our lives...People were crying. And Trump's band of "deplorables," his racist, ignorant supporters gloated and made jokes about Liberal tears. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be the world. Trump hadn't been subtle. He had basically declared war on women, any race other than white, the environment. He was a maniac with no respect and now he was put in a position of great power. He might destroy his country and possibly the world. Why on earth was he given that chance?!<br />
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On Twitter there were many others expressing the same sort of shock and dismay that I was feeling.<br />
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I tweeted this:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en">
<div dir="ltr" lang="en">
9/11 <br />
11/9<br />
Tragedy in America.<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Trumpocalypse?src=hash">#Trumpocalypse</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/proudtobeCanadian?src=hash">#proudtobeCanadian</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ElectionResults?src=hash">#ElectionResults</a></div>
— Ann Marie Pincivero (@ampincivero) <a href="https://twitter.com/ampincivero/status/796355881772388352">November 9, 2016</a></blockquote>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
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Unfortunately the orange monster has taken up residence in my brain ever since. I am somewhat obsessed with checking out Trump tweets on Twitter to see what stupid/horrifying things he says and does next. As one tweeter put it, his cabinet appointments are like a countdown to the Apocalypse. It's beyond belief. A climate change denier himself, Trump of course installed a climate change denier to head the EPA (so I guess your corporations can pollute/rape/pillage the environment as much as they want since it has no effect on climate anyway! Yee haw!) The head of Labour is someone famous for saying he preferred robots to workers (he'll really be looking out for the working man, won't he?!) Another of Trump's catchphrases was "Drain the Swamp!" but apparently he drained it to recruit crocodiles to his cabinet. Worse than just lobbyists, these are White Supremacists, misogynists, xenophobes like himself. It's like watching a train wreck. I can't look away. I shouldn't let it get to me. There's not much that I can do about it. I did sign a petition (along with 4.5 million others) asking to make Clinton President. Unfortunately it was for naught. I was impressed by Green Day at the AMAs chanting "No Trump! No KKK! No Fascist USA!" by Irish senator Aodhan O'Riordain who made an impassioned speech against Trump as a Fascist and more recently by Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes calling Trump out for his cruel, bullying, inappropriate behaviour. I'm glad that people are speaking out.<br />
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I wanted to speak out in my own way. I was inspired to write a song about Trump as President: "Dark Days." I had hoped that the Electoral College would reverse their vote on December 19th. They did not. Of course there's always impeachment. I just hope Trump is removed from office before he does too much damage (like blowing up the world! Trump recently tweeted that America needs more nukes though they already have enough -- over 7000 -- to annihilate all life on the planet.) Here is the video of my song --"Dark Days: Trump as President" --<br />
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The reality is he only won by a narrow margin and even many of his own supporters are losing faith in him. There are Twitter pages dedicated to #Trumpgrets -- tweets by people who voted for Trump but are supremely disappointed by him. His approval rating is the lowest ever for a President (around 37% the last time I checked.) Even many Republicans are embarrassed by Trump's inappropriate behavior on Twitter etc. He doesn't behave like a President. He doesn't behave like a man. He's an immature, self-centered bully. All we can hope for now is that he's removed from office (impeached) before he does any irreparable damage. Or that he somehow miraculously rises to the challenge of leading a nation, has a change of heart on all his hateful views, is remorseful and wants to make amends, becomes a mature and compassionate man who appreciates the enormous responsibility he has...(I don't hold out much hope. Just counting the days until his impeachment. It can't be long now...) Anyway I really shouldn't be taking this much time to discuss my views on American politics in the middle of my blog about my daughter and I but this has been stressing me out since November and may have played a part in my overall stress/health issues that started in November...<br />
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As I've mentioned numerous times, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Fall and Winter just isn't a good time for me, even at the BEST of times. This Fall/Winter has been the WORST for a number of reasons. Though there were some unseasonably warm days there were also some terribly dark, cold days and some HORRIBLE weather (aka snow). I had added stress about work over some changes going on and my future was somewhat uncertain. I was stressing about Trump as president and the Trumpocalypse that might ensue. I was eating too much and gaining weight (I blame Trump for half of it!) Then I got really really sick and everything seemed worse. And of course insomnia/sleep deprivation is an ongoing issue for me and makes everything that much more unbearable. So I was not a happy camper to say the least...<br />
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I got into the habit of taking a family photo on the stairs just about every day, even when I didn't feel up to it. Sometimes I couldn't even force a smile and I'm not sure why I bothered. This one however, turned out perfect. Michelle has a subtle smile, I'm smiling and even Ali is there and actually LOOKING at the camera, which is very rare! Here Michelle is also hugging the stuffed grey cat that she started taking EVERYWHERE with her for a while until she lost it at Grandma's and found it again a month later (my Mom's place is like that!) Michelle is fickle and keeps changing her mind what stuffed animal she loves the most at any given time (she has a LOT to choose from!)<br />
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My sister May winds up hosting most events because she has the best house in the most central location so it just makes sense, however it's not fair that she winds up having EVERYTHING there. I agreed to host Mom's birthday party. I was excited to have the family over but it is a lot of work and stress trying to get the house ready. Tidying and cleaning is a Herculean task when you have as much stuff as we have (like a Toys R Us threw up) and when you have little time to get things done. I LOVE when the house is clean & tidy but I really hate cleaning it! Still I managed to get it in order in time for the party. Michelle loves to dress up so she was happy to be the Belle of the Ball. And of course I can't resist photo ops so we had a photo shoot before the gang arrived.<br />
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I have to admit it is somewhat overwhelming/stressful/chaotic having the whole gang over. And I don't even make a meal! I just order in! It's still a challenge trying to set up snacks, get drinks for people, make sure the kids are OK, not getting hurt/breaking anything. I even tidied/organized the basement to make a play area which was an ENORMOUS job I'd been putting off forever but this gave me an excuse to get it done. As I've mentioned before, I'm no Martha Stewart. I don't like "entertaining" however I do love my family and I'm grateful to spend time with them. And it's nice to have them at my place once in a while. But it is a LOT of work. I'm very grateful to May for hosting most events!<br />
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Mom wanted to get a picture with her kids and grand-kids. It was hard to fit all of us on the couch (and my nephew Dan wasn't even there.) We're a big family. Michelle is always happy when she gets to see her whole wacky family because most of the time it's just the two of us. It's good for her to have some men in her life as well since she doesn't have a Dad. She's very fond of her Uncle Chris. He's great with kids but doesn't have any of his own. Kids all love him because he's funny and playful and does things like throw them up in the air and catch them. The kids often line up to get picked up and thrown by Uncle Chris (which sounds strange but is apparently really fun.) I try to lift and throw Michelle but I'm not quite as strong as Chris.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZS0sbGC7CCc/WHfGrq0od1I/AAAAAAAAMys/aRNuYTCEZDEaQSv73n6_eeqf6pS7uW4WACLcB/s1600/DSCN5613.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZS0sbGC7CCc/WHfGrq0od1I/AAAAAAAAMys/aRNuYTCEZDEaQSv73n6_eeqf6pS7uW4WACLcB/s320/DSCN5613.JPG" width="320" /></a>I always like to get a group shot with the cake as well even though it's awkward trying to run in to the shot while singing Happy Birthday and the candles are melting... As you can see I managed it. Chris actually ran in at the last minute as well because he was on the floor looking under my dishwasher. My dishwasher stopped working (started leaking) last Christmas and I kept putting off getting it fixed and just washed dishes by hand. Somehow Chris had a magic touch. He just looked at it (let it run and watched the mechanisms underneath) and it worked again and stopped leaking! I ran a test load afterward with a towel nearby just in case but it worked. The only problem is the detergent didn't circulate properly but I just started putting it on the bottom of the dishwasher instead of in the compartment (as someone suggested I try.)<br />
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Michelle wanted to go to the indoor playground again and I was in. It's a great way for her to run off all that excess energy while I mostly just sit and relax watching her, and/or follow her around taking photos. This time we even got a selfie next to a giraffe's butt which is always a plus...<br />
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Michelle gets a lot of exercise. She has a hard time keeping still. She'll often run back and forth in the hallway, role playing or just running for the sake of running. The indoor playground is perfect because she can run amok, climb, slide just like at the park. Sometimes I'm almost tempted to climb up and go down the slides too (I did it once, some parents do) but it's too awkward carrying my big heavy purse and I don't feel comfortable leaving it unattended. I'm a control freak. Half my life is in my purse (calendar, camera, phone and all!) I'd be lost without it!<br />
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Luckily the weather was pretty good the day of Michelle's school Walkathon. It was a walk for charity and I wanted to watch Michelle and decided that I would even do the laps with them for moral support (as well as to snap pictures of Michelle along the way.) So there I was, like an awkward paparazzo following Michelle around with the camera "Can I get a smile? A wave?" Michelle was excited to have me there, sharing it with her. She did 16 laps and would have kept going but they were wrapping things up for the little ones so they could get back to class and ready to leave for the end of the school day. The weather was perfect. We didn't even need our coats. I figured it was good exercise for me as well. Especially after all that Halloween chocolate! <br />
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Michelle had her "buddy" with her -- they partner kids from older grades with the kindergarten kids to keep tabs on them. They were holding hands most of the time which I thought was really cute. She's the same buddy that does activities with Michelle in her class, reading her stories etc. It's a good idea. It gives the older students experience working with younger ones, the younger ones appreciate spending time with a peer closer to their age and it gives the teachers a bit of a break giving individual attention to each student. The teacher even gave me a picture of Michelle doing a craft with her buddy at one point. The buddy probably thought I was a bit of a psycho following them around with the camera. There were a couple of other parents watching but most of them weren't walking and none of them were snapping photos like a fiend!<br />
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After the walkathon we had to return to the school that evening for the parent teacher interview. In kindergarten they don't get report cards or "grades" per se. You just sit down with the teacher(s) who tell you how your child is doing. I was very happy and proud to hear that Michelle is doing well, that she's very bright and also that she's very caring, kind and helpful with other kids. They showed me some of her work and even a video that they'd taken of her. The teachers even brought tears to my eyes when they said what a good job I'd done and what a great girl Michelle was. I told them it's a challenge as a single parent and that it's very encouraging to hear that you're doing well!<br />
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On another beautiful Fall day Michelle played in the backyard with Grampa. I had to go in to work night shift later that day but I enjoyed spending some time in the yard with them and getting some pictures before I left. Michelle loves Gramma and Grampa's yard where she has LOTS of room to run and play. There were some pretty red leaves on one of the small trees so I had us pose there of course.<br />
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Michelle challenged Grampa to a race and she won. She challenged me but I didn't want to get all sweaty before heading to work. That was my excuse anyway.<br />
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It was tough to get her to stay still for a bit (she loves running amok, especially with so much room) but she did agree to pose for some portraits.<br />
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I can't get over how CRAZY ELECTRIC BLUE Michelle's eyes are in these pictures! I love it! With her white skin and the red leaves she was like an American flag! She was just beaming. It was hard to leave her. I wished I could have stayed there all day. I was happy at least to get a bit of sunshine. When there is a nice day we make the most of it because there are plenty of dark, cold days where we're stuck inside. Having a nice day all of a sudden is a treat -- like a sudden throwback to Summer. I was really starting to miss the summer, especially the beach. Even Michelle said she missed the beach (and the seagulls!) sometimes. I assured here we'd be back one day.<br />
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Michelle is such a good sport she doesn't even complain about my taking too many pictures. She poses willingly (she knows she has no choice anyway and it goes more quickly if she's cooperative!) I think she even enjoys the attention. It has to be at least somewhat flattering to have someone take a hundred photos of you and tell you how beautiful/cute/amazing you are.<br />
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I love Michelle's expression here. She's my angel with a sweet little smile and her baby blues and of course her golden auburn hair which goes with the autumn leaves...<br />
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It was hard to say goodbye but I hugged her and told her I'd come snuggle her in the morning.<br />
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The warm weather didn't stay. By the next day it was FREEZING COLD. Back to winter coats again.<br />
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I have boxes full of Michelle's artwork already and she's only 4 years old. I just can't part with any of it. I can't imagine as she gets older how I will possibly store all of it.<br />
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I love this adorable chubby reindeer she drew! Her drawings always amaze me. She can be quite hard on herself and complains that her art isn't as good as mine. I explain to her that I'm 10 times her age and have had a lot more practice! I told her that she is an extraordinary artist for her age and that she'll be drawing circles around me in no time! She's such a perfectionist she gets frustrated with herself if things don't turn out just the way she wants. She is so careful to colour within the lines as well.<br />
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She's such a sweetheart she's always drawing me pictures and making me cards saying "I love you."<br />
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Yes, nerd that I am I couldn't resist getting us matching shirts. In my defense they were on sale and came in her size as well as mine, so really it was a no brainer!<br />
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Although our shirts said "Stay focused on the positive!" I was having an increasingly difficult time doing that. Aside from it being Fall, Trump being President and things being uncertain with my work situation, I got sick. Really REALLY sick. It came on so suddenly it was hard to know where I picked it up. It could have been anywhere -- work, home (from Michelle), grocery shopping (when a cashier coughed into her hand as she put items in the bag.) You can't escape germs. They're everywhere. And when you're stressed and sleep deprived and get run down, you're screwed. When it started I thought it was a flu, the worst I'd ever had. I would get the chills so bad my teeth were chattering and bundle up, only to then overheat and have a fever and have to strip down. I also felt weak, bone tired and my muscles ached like I'd been hit by a train. This lasted for a couple of days and was replaced by a cough. The worst cough I'd ever had. Like an old man at the hospital. When I went into work coughing they said it sounded like bronchitis. I usually avoid going to the doctor (my Mom was a hypochondriac and went ALL THE TIME so I try to do the opposite and never go but sometimes it's really necessary.) So I finally went to a walk-in clinic to get checked out. I brought Michelle too because although her wasn't nearly as severe as mine, she was coughing too. The doctor checked her out and said she was fine, that it was normal for kids to catch everything to build their immunity. Me, on the other hand, not so fine. He thought I had pneumonia and sent me for a chest X-ray. He gave me a narcotic cough medicine (it was STRONG. One of the possible side effects on the first page was DEATH. So I was a little nervous. But I was desperate at this point. From coughin to coffin. Sure.) and a puffer (which I couldn't ever quite figure out if it was actually doing anything.)<br />
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The chest X-ray confirmed I had pneumonia. I probably should have been in bed instead of doing all the things that I had been doing (going to work, Christmas shopping, going about my life like a zombie but with no choice but to do everything because as a single Mom it's all me and there's no one to cover for me.) My sister said one of her friends had pneumonia and was in bed for 3 weeks while her husband did everything. How nice it must be, I thought, to have that option. Sometimes it really is hard being on your own without help. I had gotten so worn down that I was falling apart.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fYaGvo_6gjM/WHfR_58m1vI/AAAAAAAAM48/Zns2PhDWargMM1YNHhD_Twruc1dIyTtngCLcB/s1600/DSCN5831.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fYaGvo_6gjM/WHfR_58m1vI/AAAAAAAAM48/Zns2PhDWargMM1YNHhD_Twruc1dIyTtngCLcB/s320/DSCN5831.JPG" width="320" /></a>Sometimes I would just break down and cry. When I was coughing so much that my ribs were aching, I had trouble breathing. When I was completely drained, depleted, had nothing left but still had to carry on because what else could I do? I usually tried to wait until I'd dropped Michelle off at school then I'd go back home and cry. One day on the way back home there was a beautiful rainbow. It almost felt like it was a sign not to lose hope, that things would get better. I kept waiting for things to get better. But they didn't. Then I got some bad news at work, the pneumonia didn't go away and seemed to get worse. It seemed like I was just more sick and more stressed and of course it was impossible to sleep when I couldn't stop coughing. </div>
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December and Christmas were difficult but we survived it (and I'll save that for the next blog. This one is already too long! So much for not including too many photos! FAIL!) </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6hPYRKInA94/WHftrGlW2-I/AAAAAAAAM6M/dDUcd1iUxRUnlzZzeY5L9XI7UoMVsIYMQCLcB/s1600/IMG_0387.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6hPYRKInA94/WHftrGlW2-I/AAAAAAAAM6M/dDUcd1iUxRUnlzZzeY5L9XI7UoMVsIYMQCLcB/s320/IMG_0387.JPG" width="240" /></a>What I didn't realize at the time and admittedly don't always acknowledge (especially when I'm sick and stressed out and things go wrong!) is that even on my worst day, I AM BLESSED. It could be so much worse. When I hear what some people are dealing with I realize just how bad it could be and I have so much to be grateful for. At the end of the day, even at the worst of times, I have the necessities of life. Food, water, shelter, clothing. Most importantly, I have love. I have a wonderful family and above all, the sweetest little girl in the world. I thank God for her. She is what keeps me going. No matter what, there is still more good than bad. That is what I have to focus on and be grateful for. Every challenge can be overcome. This too shall pass. I have to remember on the bad days, that it COULD be worse, that it WILL get better and that I am still so fortunate to have the blessings that I have. That is what matters. Everything else is just a temporary inconvenience. November wasn't easy. December would be worse. But we got through it. And we still had a (mostly) Merry Christmas...</div>
Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-82186061264377631522016-11-04T09:56:00.001-04:002016-11-04T14:37:38.195-04:00FOUR ever...<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nnKs-VtCJr4/V-U23nCC_uI/AAAAAAAALm0/vnYc2LlyYEAzNYJdAAHjxTm8T6UNO3ECQCEw/s1600/DSCN2723.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nnKs-VtCJr4/V-U23nCC_uI/AAAAAAAALm0/vnYc2LlyYEAzNYJdAAHjxTm8T6UNO3ECQCEw/s320/DSCN2723.JPG" width="284" /></a>It's crazy. Michelle IS FOUR YEARS OLD! And has started school! How did this happen?! It seems like she was a baby not very long ago. Now she's a big girl, going to Kindergarten. The other day I tried to sing "Where are you going, my little one, little one? Where are you going, my baby, my own? Turn around and you're 2, turn around and you're 4, turn around and you're a young girl going out of the door..." I burst into tears at "turn around and you're 4." Michelle laughed at me. She always finds it funny when I erupt into tears at a movie, or a sentimental book or even a sappy TV commercial. She gets a Kleenex for me and says "Here's a tissue for your eyes!" grinning ear to ear with amazement at her silly Mama. Yes I'm a total sap. I can't help it. I cried at Michelle's birthday. I cried when she started school. It's her party and I'll cry if I want to! <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X1A4ayOWd5s/V-U7YHm2FsI/AAAAAAAALno/J0b5t8VubkszIsNwy2irXwW1f9DfBCKQACLcB/s1600/DSCN2552.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X1A4ayOWd5s/V-U7YHm2FsI/AAAAAAAALno/J0b5t8VubkszIsNwy2irXwW1f9DfBCKQACLcB/s320/DSCN2552.JPG" width="238" /></a>Time goes by WAY too fast. This is a blog about late July-August and September but somehow we're into NOVEMBER already and I'm still trying to finish it! These posts always take me so long to put together and I usually only have a little time here & there to work on it. It would be a lot easier if I wouldn't include so many dang photos but I can't help it! To me this blog is like a diary/record of my life with Michelle and nothing captures it better than pictures! I don't know whether it's the site or my computer but posting photos is the hardest part. It doesn't let me place them where I want and usually takes several tries. I keep trying to move it and it won't budge and then it goes where I don't want it to. It's extremely frustrating but apparently not enough for me to give up on the whole thing (if you're reading this now! LOL)<br />
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Michelle loves Sponge Bob. (She even insisted on marrying him at one point, I posted their wedding photos in one of my blogs.) I really don't know what the attraction is. A yellow square with big googly eyes and buck teeth. I've caught a few minutes of the show here and there when I'm busy doing other things. It is sort of funny I guess. Sponge Bob seems to be the eternal optimist. A bundle of joy. He loves life and sees the best in everything. I'm more like Squidward. A bit of a grouch/pessimist. <br />
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I let Michelle pick out her own balloons for her birthday party. She opted for a giant number 4 and a Sponge Bob. She also has Sponge Bob books, DVDs, stuffies and action figures. She is a tad obsessed. So when I saw that there was a Sponge Bob cake pan... <br />
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Yes I made a friggin Sponge Bob birthday cake! I'm not a Sponge Bob fan (especially after our misadventures trying to see the 4D Sponge Bob movie, accidentally crossing a border and almost getting arrested all because of a ridiculous cartoon sponge.) This is a testament to how much I love my girl. I will do just about anything to make her happy. I am no Martha Stewart. I am not a cook, never mind a baker. Yet somehow on her last birthday I made a Princess Castle cake (actually I did two, one chocolate and one vanilla. One practice & one "good" cake.) This year, since Michelle is obsessed with Sponge Bob, I decided to do a Sponge Bob cake. I was getting pretty discouraged with my work (I pictured those photos on the internet where people show their baking fails -- what it's supposed to look like versus how it turns out, usually with the sarcastic caption "Nailed it!") but Michelle kept encouraging me. "It looks GREAT MAMA!" she insisted and in the end I thought it was OK. Not quite like the photo but oh well. Again, it was murder on my wrists squeezing thousands of globs of icing out but I started to get into a rhythm. Michelle was thrilled with her cake and that's what really matters. Not that Mama is exhausted, her back is breaking and I may have carpal tunnel from all the squeezing...<br />
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It was great having the family over to our place for a change to celebrate Michelle's birthday. Most events wind up being at May's house. She has the biggest/nicest house and it's in the most central location so it just makes sense all around. Of course it isn't fair that she gets saddled with hosting EVERY SINGLE EVENT all year long. Of course I had to host Michelle's birthday party at our place. Again, I'm no Martha Stewart so "entertaining" isn't exactly my forte but when it's my own family I know I can just relax and not have to worry. And I don't even bother trying to cook a meal. I usually just order in (pizza, Chinese, KFC or whatever people fancy. I usually take a poll and majority rules. I love food and will pretty much eat anything!)<br />
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Michelle loves getting together with the whole gang and she was thrilled to have them at our house for her birthday. She loves dressing up and was happy with her pink floral dress. My girl is a princess! I like dressing up once in a while too. The weather was nice so we spent some time in the backyard. I told them not to mind the lawn which was mostly straw since we didn't have much rain and aside from playing in the sprinkler a couple of times with Michelle, I never bothered to water. I figured at least with the grass dead I didn't have to worry about mowing it. Mowing the lawn is one of my least favourite chores.<br />
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Michelle got a little spoiled. I can't help it. There are so many things that I can't give Michelle (a father, siblings, a perfect world) so I try to do everything within my power to give her what I can to make her happy. When I see something on sale I grab it. I figure I can use it at the next occasion -- birthday, Christmas or no occasion at all. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have a social life, go on trips. I buy toys and books for my kid. And I like junk food. There are worse vices I could have I think. <br />
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Of all the things I gave Michelle she made the most fuss over a stuffed white cat. She has a LOT of stuffies. Many of them were mine before I ever knew I'd be having a daughter (yes even as a grown woman I collected stuffed cats and bears. I always had a weakness for cute things. Again, as vices go, not the worst. I don't do heroin for example.) Clutter can be an addiction however and the show Hoarders did used to terrify me but hopefully I never get to that point. I'm a bit of a maximalist (as opposed to a minimalist) but I have boundaries. Things have to be organized and in their place. The house has to be livable. No floor to ceiling piles of crap. Though if you saw a room after Michelle's been playing it looks like a bomb hit it. But things do go back in their place eventually. I'm trying to get her to at least HELP with tidying up her own mess but it is mostly Mama that does the tidying/cleaning/organizing. And admittedly it is my own fault for giving her so many toys.<br />
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One of the things Michelle had asked for was Pax my Poopin Pup. In a moment of weakness I bought it because it was on sale really cheap but I still think it's the fourth sign of the Apocalypse. I suppose it's better than having a real dog with real poop to clean up. I explained to Michelle that THAT ISN'T HAPPENING. We're a cat house. Cats are easier, more independent. So don't waste your wishes on a puppy because NEVER. NOT EVER. I'm not sure what Michelle wished for. But she was happy to have her family around her. And very happy to eat her Sponge Bob cake. She had no sympathy for him. "I want to eat the eye!" <br />
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Sometimes when Michelle stands next to the mirror, it's like there are two of her. <Shudders> I can't even imagine. Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my girl but she's a ball of energy. A force of nature. To have two of her would be overwhelming. Even just one of her is exhausting sometimes. She's very sweet and loving and affectionate and funny and bright. But she can also be moody and demanding and stubborn. She wants her way. RIGHT NOW! She is a Princess/Queen and she rules her castle. I try my best to keep up. She can be frustrating and some days I'm at my wit's end. But then she'll hug me and say "I love you Mama!" and I could forgive her for anything. I've never experienced a love like this, not quite like this, not in any previous relationship and not even with my family. There is no one else I have felt so devoted to that I would sacrifice anything for, give my life for. She comes first. <br />
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There were a lot of hot days in August. More than I remembered there ever being. Some people don't like the heat but I love Summer and I wanted to enjoy it as much and as long as we could. We went to the beach often. It was one of Michelle's favourite places and mine. And every time we went it was a different adventure. <br />
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Of course I always have my camera and I snap about 100 or more photos every time we go. Many are blurry or awkward or not that great. Some are OK. Then once in a while you capture that perfect moment. This shot -- with the strangely dark/bright sky, clouds coming out of her head like a thought bubble, Michelle laughing, a seagull flying by her right at that moment -- is why I keep snapping. This is the perfect moment. A beautiful summer day at the beach summed up in one picture. As they say, a picture says a thousand words so I don't need to say anymore about this. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HYBFZhdfrXU/V_B4V3jeWBI/AAAAAAAALpU/hx1h2LrgGcEMzAMBIreaYRO8eB8p_jvdgCLcB/s1600/RSCN2776.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HYBFZhdfrXU/V_B4V3jeWBI/AAAAAAAALpU/hx1h2LrgGcEMzAMBIreaYRO8eB8p_jvdgCLcB/s320/RSCN2776.JPG" width="320" /></a>And sometimes even with the self-timer I get lucky. A seagull flies by at just the right moment. I love the self-timer. I see people taking their selfies with their phones. To me it's always too close. You need to set the camera down somewhere & set the timer to get a proper shot. Or hire someone to follow you everywhere and take pictures of you (I sometimes wonder if this is what celebrity couples do when you see cute photos of them everywhere. Or they have a third wheel friend who happens to be a photographer? Not sure...) Or maybe they have a camera with a self-timer like me. I'm old school. And I was taking selfies before it was even a term.</div>
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We heard that there was a sandy beach in Oakville so we decided to check it out with Grandma. It would be nice to have a beach so close. I wondered why we hadn't been to it before. Mom said we had but not for many years. It's sort of hidden off on a side road. It's not straight off of Lakeshore. Anyway, we found it and went. Unfortunately it wasn't the best day. Mom and Michelle were both complaining about how far we had to walk from the car, how much seaweed there was, how many flies were around. <br />
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Then Mom read later that it's also polluted with goose poop so we decided not to go back. There were quite a lot of geese/seagulls there now that I think back and the water was quite shallow. If the water is deep and there are a lot of waves then the lake has a chance to clean itself out but when the water is still and shallow, it's a recipe for disaster...<br />
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Sometimes it's better to just play in the sand. And sometimes the Princess is right and things really don't measure up...<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dN-TaWeLpew/V_B8eOja8nI/AAAAAAAALrk/f8vuiuctWE8uQ4E4OsLYWcqJ0CtxNltsACLcB/s1600/DSCN2898.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dN-TaWeLpew/V_B8eOja8nI/AAAAAAAALrk/f8vuiuctWE8uQ4E4OsLYWcqJ0CtxNltsACLcB/s320/DSCN2898.JPG" width="320" /></a>To the degree that I can, I like to grant all of Michelle's wishes that are within my power. What do you want to do today? Fingerpaint & go on the water slide? Done! I also knew that August was the last month (until next summer) that we would have our days together through the week. In September she'd be starting school. So I wanted us to have fun and make the most of our time together while we still could during weekdays. So we got messy fingerpainting and played on the waterslide in the yard. Cost: almost nothing. Result: priceless! </div>
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It's good to know that it doesn't take much to make Michelle happy. I really wish I could afford a pool. I wish I could afford to go away on vacations. But even on a little backyard waterslide (a gift from Uncle Chris) Michelle can cool off and have a ball. Life is all about enjoying the simple pleasures. For Michelle it's running around and playing. For me, it's catching photos of her running around and playing! She doesn't really even fight me on it anymore. She used to let out an exasperated "Mama! That's enough pictures for now!" Now she just lets me snap away. She knows I'm going to do it anyway. She even enjoys posing for me now. <br />
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They said it was the hottest summer on record. With more days over 30 Celsius (and several over 40!) than ever before. <br />
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I'd wake up and check the forecast then ask: "What do you want to do today?"<br />
"Go to the beach!" <br />
"Let's go!"<br />
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Sometimes it was too crowded but usually we were lucky enough to grab our spot under one of the palm trees at Port Dover Beach. There's nothing like lying on the sand and looking up to see the palms against a blue sky overhead. It always feels like I'm somewhere tropical even though I'm right here in Ontario. Sometimes I'll overhear people coming to the beach for the first time and expressing wonder at seeing real palm trees in Canada. "Do they last through the winter?" some of them ask. <br />
"No. They bring them back at the end of May each year."<br />
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Ta-daaaaaaaaa! Now that's a pose! Michelle actually enjoys getting her picture taken most of the time now and is happy to strike a pose. I like to have souvenirs of these perfect days -- When Michelle is smiling, the sun shining and not a cloud in the sky. This is my happy place. And when I'm having a dark day and need a mental vacation, this is where I go. Of course I also imagine actually LIVING by a beach someday and relaxing in a hammock under palm trees, but for now, this will certainly do. And it's within reach, at least for a few months of the year. I really did not want Summer to end. The thought of it was heartbreaking. August was bittersweet because September loomed and I knew it was going to go WAY too fast. Soon Michelle would be going to school. She was excited about it but I was depressed and anxious over it. My baby is growing up too fast and I wasn't ready to let go. I worried about her being away from me for hours. So far I had only ever left her with my Mom and Dad when I went to work. <br />
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For a change of scenery we went to Gulliver's Lake with Grandma and Auntie May. It's a nice peaceful spot to go swimming. Michelle LOVES being with Auntie May, cousin Shannon and Reggie and going swimming just makes it even more fun. I brought the inflatable dolphin and lion floating toys. Michelle loved them. The dolphin especially is a nuisance to blow up (even with a pump) so I just left him blown up. (I managed to squeeze him in the trunk. It was either that or put my Mom in the trunk & leave the dolphin in the seat but Grandma wasn't up for it! LOL<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8y9xWccXmCQ/V_CAMHJy6lI/AAAAAAAALug/tnpkmgY2oBQNcgaROZHjEcHc--v5pgR1wCLcB/s1600/DSCN3018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8y9xWccXmCQ/V_CAMHJy6lI/AAAAAAAALug/tnpkmgY2oBQNcgaROZHjEcHc--v5pgR1wCLcB/s320/DSCN3018.JPG" width="320" /></a>On the way to the lake we had passed a store that had massive dinosaur displays. Michelle wanted to check it out on the way home. I asked May if it was all right to stop there. She said yes and that Reggie had suggested it too. Apparently there was a "Poke Store" there. I have to admit I don't understand the whole "Pokémon Go" craze. I have a cellphone but I pretty much just use it for emergencies. I don't have data or "apps" on it. But my niece and nephew are technological wizards and apparently Reggie has collected all sorts of Pokémon creatures on his I-pad or whatever it is... I was just happy for a photo op with the dinosaurs!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x3W4b_IaYTc/V_CBBhUKIkI/AAAAAAAALvI/VbAahPbYwV05Y5C2t3Vtg8oHYw27CcOqQCLcB/s1600/DSCN3034.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x3W4b_IaYTc/V_CBBhUKIkI/AAAAAAAALvI/VbAahPbYwV05Y5C2t3Vtg8oHYw27CcOqQCLcB/s320/DSCN3034.JPG" width="239" /></a>And on rainy days, there's always art... Michelle loves to draw and I adore her masterpieces. Here she drew her and I with a heart. I love that she even puts details in like pigtails on her and a ponytail in my hair. And I love that everyone in her pictures is smiling, even the sun, the flowers, or in this case, the heart. Michelle does make my heart smile. I have bad days of course like everyone does especially when I'm tired and run down. But overall life with Michelle is bliss. I am so grateful for her. I can't imagine life without her. It was painful for me to think of spending my days without her once she started school but I knew it would be a good experience for her, meeting other kids, learning new things. I tried to be enthusiastic about it (or at least fake it for her sake.) As a single Mom (and one that doesn't date or have much of a social life) Michelle really was my whole world. The prospect of not having her around (even just for a few hours during the day) was heartbreaking.</div>
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I love this picture she did of a waterlily. Michelle is constantly surprising me with what she can do at only four years old. <br />
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"I want to be just like you Mama," she said to me one day. "I want to be an artist and to write and sing and make songs and go to work and help people and everything just like you." It melted my heart but I almost wanted to tell her -- you can do better. You're stronger than me, more brave than me, you can do anything in the world you want to do. She doesn't have my doubts and fears to hold her back. <br />
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My Mom says Michelle is so much like me already. I think she's the new & much improved version! <br />
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I love this picture of a mermaid and flamingoes! Sometimes Michelle will ask me how to draw something so I'll do a quick drawing to give her an idea. Then she'll draw it and invariably her drawing is better than mine. More original. More interesting. More pure. Michelle gets frustrated with herself. "I can't draw as good as you can Mama!" I remind her that she's only 4 years old. I'm more than 10 times older than her. "Besides," I tell her, "art is subjective. And I like yours even better than mine." After my praise she usually stops being hard on herself. My Mom says I was always a perfectionist and hard on myself too.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d5vqTjefd7g/V_CFlkXDavI/AAAAAAAALxQ/Eksp3vnQbvAGrtWcRi6-fr5-ZS_Fb07YACEw/s1600/DSCN3876.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d5vqTjefd7g/V_CFlkXDavI/AAAAAAAALxQ/Eksp3vnQbvAGrtWcRi6-fr5-ZS_Fb07YACEw/s320/DSCN3876.JPG" width="237" /></a>Everything is always Mama and baby in Michelle's pictures because it's just her and I. I love this Mama and baby panda. I'm not sure why the sun's face is half black and half orange. Maybe it was partly cloudy that day. I often get Michelle to describe her pictures so I can write what she says on the back. There's usually a story to go with it. She has such a vivid imagination. She has even made some of her own little story books with words and pictures. She tells me what to write and she does the drawings. She has always loved books. I've been reading to her since before she was born (reading to me in utero was something that my Mom did when she was pregnant with me and she believes that fostered my love of words, writing, books and reading.) I did the same for Michelle. I used to read Goodnight Moon to her every night until I could recite it by heart. I still read it to her sometimes. Though she prefers the Halloween version, Goodnight Goon. </div>
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It's always hard for me to leave Michelle when I have to go to work but she loves spending time with Grandma and Grandpa and I get to see them a little as well before (or after depending on the shift) work. It is our second home and I think it's good for Michelle to have some time away from me. It always makes her appreciate me more. I love hearing her exclaim "MAMA!" and running to hug me when I get back to my Mom's after work. It's like I've been gone a month instead of just a day. I wondered how she'd manage going to school...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pQogNtjXquc/V_CCQzdE1zI/AAAAAAAALwA/1iHEoBIPeFYUCxMjALAWEFTedxGiEngzACLcB/s1600/DSCN3059.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pQogNtjXquc/V_CCQzdE1zI/AAAAAAAALwA/1iHEoBIPeFYUCxMjALAWEFTedxGiEngzACLcB/s200/DSCN3059.JPG" width="143" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e0Z5OVqtq8E/V_CCZTWNEEI/AAAAAAAALwM/nl1uABE29VYrzRbYH6FW-G8NnbagKu12QCLcB/s1600/DSCN3057.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e0Z5OVqtq8E/V_CCZTWNEEI/AAAAAAAALwM/nl1uABE29VYrzRbYH6FW-G8NnbagKu12QCLcB/s200/DSCN3057.JPG" width="158" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7yHPLUKv4OM/V_CCdfz0MJI/AAAAAAAALwU/U1Di-Bjgy-UToIt9evQp_8z2Nfg94jjPACLcB/s1600/RSCN3061.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7yHPLUKv4OM/V_CCdfz0MJI/AAAAAAAALwU/U1Di-Bjgy-UToIt9evQp_8z2Nfg94jjPACLcB/s320/RSCN3061.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle had her four year check-up at the doctor and I was happy to hear that she's in perfect health. Despite getting the odd cold and cough here and there. The doctor pointed out that it's best not to worry when she gets sick because it's inevitable with kids and it helps to build up their immunity. The doctor was impressed with Michelle how bright and lively she is. She even drew a picture for the doctor and wrote her name on it. The doctor said she'd keep it in Michelle's file. I was so proud of her. I told her we'd have ice cream later to celebrate her checkup. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UHCKKFziDAM/WAZZ-zLNSlI/AAAAAAAALx8/zzldU6w1mN8JLgpDW2s7fcqTi_M2VFqFQCLcB/s1600/DSCN3073.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="153" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UHCKKFziDAM/WAZZ-zLNSlI/AAAAAAAALx8/zzldU6w1mN8JLgpDW2s7fcqTi_M2VFqFQCLcB/s200/DSCN3073.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G5U7u3jtk5o/WBt2jqXm0KI/AAAAAAAAMOA/5Fd1wWdxlTcRjcrnddLX8U2-LGULNtr6QCLcB/s1600/RSCN3112.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G5U7u3jtk5o/WBt2jqXm0KI/AAAAAAAAMOA/5Fd1wWdxlTcRjcrnddLX8U2-LGULNtr6QCLcB/s320/RSCN3112.JPG" width="320" /></a>We hadn't been to Burlington Beach yet this year and we decided to go. Unfortunately there seemed to be construction everywhere this summer and we didn't know until we were almost there that the road we needed to take (namely LAKESHORE) was closed. I'm directionally impaired at the best of times so if you take away my usual route, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get lost! I wasn't sure how we were supposed to get to the lake's shore without taking Lakeshore but we'd come this far so I was determined to try. I tried following the detour signs unfortunately they led us on a winding, circling, confusing and ultimately doomed path. It led us on and off the highway and still no closer to the beach where we wanted to go. I tried heading back and taking the detour again but once again the signs seemed to drop off -- they led you so far and then you were left to rot! Somehow we ended up in Hamilton. Michelle was getting impatient. My Mom needed to get to a bathroom and I was just about fit to be tied! "This is INSANE!" I said "I can SEE the lake! So why can't I GET TO IT!" Finally we pulled into a parking lot and asked someone for directions and miraculously ended up where we needed to go. Finally. <br />
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I remember my dad saying once "You can't get there from here!" and I told him at the time that that's silly, that you can get anywhere from anywhere but sometimes you almost can't. Or it's awfully confusing anyway. I remember once I had an audition in Toronto and had such a hard time finding the place it's almost what made me give up acting because I thought I just can't go through that stress again! Between one way streets and streetcar tracks and bridges and pedestrian traffic and strange signs that say you can't go left or right or straight or park there, driving in Toronto is sort of horrifying. Not to mention that auditions were scary too... And endless rejection isn't fun. <br />
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Better late than never. If Mom had her way we would have just turned around and gone home after getting lost but I was committed to a day at the beach and didn't want to disappoint Michelle. It wound up being worth it in the end and I was glad we went. I was cursing the construction though but it seems unavoidable wherever you go. They tear up the road and take months (years?) to finish it. I don't understand why it takes so long. It's very frustrating though. So no more trips to Burlington Beach for us this year. <br />
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And there's always the sprinkler, after mowing the lawn in the scorching heat I was as anxious to run through the sprinkler to cool off as Michelle was. She wanted to help me mow the lawn so she pushed her bubble mower. She always wants to help me with everything. She has her own little kitchen with a sink so she can pretend to do dishes like Mama (I never did get my dishwasher fixed.) She has a little toy vacuum and broom to pretend to clean the floor. And she loves when I let her help me with dusting and cleaning (I only let her use organic cleaners without chemicals). She also loves helping me cook and I try to let her feel involved. I know my Mom always just told us to stay out of the way and didn't let us help with anything. It's partly my instinct to do that too but I consciously make the effort to let Michelle help because it makes her happy. Even though sometimes she's more of a hindrance than a help. It's fun for her and that's what matters. I can always redo it (properly!) after. Yes I'm a control freak...<br />
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Nerd alert: yes, I got us matching shirts. I'd always dreamed of finding Mother-Daughter matching outfits but it didn't seem to exist. Then I was in a Justice (girl's clothing store) and found these tanks on sale in a size 6 and a size (girl's) 16! Perfect! Michelle was excited we were dressed the same. My Mom says Michelle is a mini-me anyway so dressed alike she really is like a younger version. People may have looked at us strangely when we went to the beach but I don't care. To me, it's cute. It's a good photo op too and I can't resist those. The only thing that would make me more excited would be to find matching dresses but that may not happen. Maybe one day. Most women probably wouldn't want to wear children's wear but I'm still a kid at heart anyway. And this "Shine on!" shirt would be suitable for any age and was perfect for the beach I thought.<br />
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Port Dover Beach became our second (or third after my Mom's place!) home during the summer Michelle and I were there so often. <br />
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Each time was a new adventure. Sometimes we'd mostly play in the sand, other times we'd go in the water and still others we'd stroll around, go to the little shops, get an ice cream. I loved all of it. Of course my favourite part is always sitting under the palm trees, watching Michelle play, taking a million (or at least a hundred) photos, enjoying the sand, the sun, the sound of seagulls and the waves. It is my Zen, my happy place. Michelle always loved it too. The best things in life are free. A day at the beach with my girl was proof of that. One of my favourite things in the world. <br />
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This photo sums up the beach and the Summer for me. Michelle running, with her arms out, like she's going to fly and a seagull flying by at just the right moment. You snap a bunch of photos and half of them are blurry or mediocre and then once in a while you get that perfect moment. I love that. And that's why I keep doing it. At least more people seem to take pictures now but most of them are doing it on their phones. I'm the only one I see pulling out my old school Nikon. Most of the ones I see on the beach (usually young women) are taking selfies with their phones. I take some pics on my phone but to me it's not the same. <br />
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Sometimes someone offers to take our picture which is very nice. I used to always say no thanks when strangers would ask because I had someone accidentally break my camera once by dropping it (back in Montreal many years ago when I was with Paul. They broke my Canon and it broke my heart!) But on the beach I figure, it's sand, and the camera would be OK anyway. Plus there isn't always a good spot to sit the camera to set up the self-timer. My camera is a little knocked up from over-use. The lens is actually scratched but it doesn't affect most shots. You see a little ghosting when the sun shines on it or when I use the flash but I've gotten used to it. I'm so attached to my Nikon I don't want to part with it (it was a gift from my sister before Michelle was born because my other Nikon wore out and she knew my having a baby was the BIGGEST PHOTO OP EVER! LOL) Yes, for me, a camera is definitely a necessity!<br />
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I've gotten into the habit of pretty much daily portraits of Michelle and I (and Ali sometimes when she joins us.) It's become a ritual before we leave the house -- snap a picture! I did it one day when we were dressed up and then it just sort of stuck. I'm a creature of habit and habits are tough to break. Plus Michelle is growing up so fast I figure it can't hurt to have pictures of her EVERY SINGLE DAY (although, obviously that's a LOT of pictures!) I plan to do photo albums of my favourites at some point but it's a daunting task. I haven't printed pictures since Michelle was a newborn so I'm so behind I don't know how I'd ever catch up. This blog has become like a digital photo album instead. I don't think as many people print photos anymore. I used to see line ups all the time at those photo kiosks. Now it's a rarity. And places like Black's went out of business. It's the digital age I guess. Still, I do like having actual photos in books. I will get around to it one day...<br />
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Michelle always has a ball running around the backyard at Grandma's house. With so much beautiful weather we spent a lot of time outside. I loved sitting on the garden swing talking with my Mom and watching Michelle play. It was another one of my favourite summer rituals. <br />
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I'm glad I get to see my Mom and my sister so often. I wish I lived closer to them. I talk to my Mom every day and visit with my sister at least a couple of times a month. <br />
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We made another trip to Gulliver's Lake before September when the kids would be starting school. It was a perfect day. I thought how much I'm going to miss this, about how I didn't want the summer to end. This summer most of all. I always have a hard time with Fall because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and the lack of sunlight affects my mood, energy -- everything. But this year would be even harder because Fall meant school and having to let Michelle go. How would I cope with that?!<br />
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I knew that Michelle would love school because she'd get to meet so many kids her own age. Every time we went to the beach or the park she was always making new friends. She's not shy. She'll talk to anyone. Before I knew it she'd have a new little friend to play with. I envied her that. I was a shy child and even shy as an adult. It's always been tough for me to meet new people. It seems to come naturally to Michelle. She is friendly, outgoing and brimming with confidence. <br />
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One thing that would be a HUGE adjustment for both Michelle and I was getting up early for school. Michelle was a bit of a night owl. I had a hard time getting her to settle down at night. I didn't mind so much because I'm a night owl myself and half the time I work nightshift so I just rolled with it. But now we were going to have to get up early for school so I started gradually getting her to bed earlier and setting the alarm to get her up earlier and earlier each day until school started. I discovered that it is almost impossible to wake Michelle up! I would call her name, shake her, even put a massive bear on her and still nothing. I was dreading her going to school. It was a good thing I started practicing a week ahead. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kWWb5gMbBA4/WAZlS1TZn-I/AAAAAAAAL5M/_cxlk6f3sHUcuDnjQXF6fLUtNXJNEqWRwCLcB/s1600/DSCN3413.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kWWb5gMbBA4/WAZlS1TZn-I/AAAAAAAAL5M/_cxlk6f3sHUcuDnjQXF6fLUtNXJNEqWRwCLcB/s320/DSCN3413.JPG" width="265" /></a>I couldn't believe how quickly the summer passed. That now it was almost September. That my girl was going to be leaving me! I was dreading it. It was breaking my heart. I heard from other moms that it's natural to feel that way. Your child going to school is a milestone. Your baby is growing up. I think that in my situation however, it was even more difficult. Being a single Mom and having spent all of my time with Michelle (except when I'm working) I've become so attached to her. She is my whole world. There isn't anyone else -- a partner etc that shares my time (aside from my family). I don't do anything that doesn't include her. I don't spend time away from her. I don't go on trips, have social outings. I've never left her with a sitter. It's always been Michelle and me together, everywhere. </div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j3C1jAvpY-M/WAZmsPeLeWI/AAAAAAAAL6I/sXdwqw0qdggMg1saQP1X5E2S8OJOy9QtACLcB/s1600/DSCN3456.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j3C1jAvpY-M/WAZmsPeLeWI/AAAAAAAAL6I/sXdwqw0qdggMg1saQP1X5E2S8OJOy9QtACLcB/s320/DSCN3456.JPG" width="240" /></a>The prospect of starting school soon was affecting Michelle as well in conflicting ways. On one hand she would tell me that she was a big girl and could do things herself. When I tried to help her with something she'd say "Let ME do it! I can do it myself!" On the other hand, sometimes it's like she wanted to be my baby again. She'd ask me to carry her down the stairs (I always complied.) And she started asking to play with her baby toys in the basement. Things she had shown no interest in in over a year. It's like she was torn between wanting to grow up and wanting to stay my baby. I explained to her that she will ALWAYS be my baby even when she's a grown lady. She laughed at that. "You'll ALWAYS be my little girl." I assured her. "I will ALWAYS love you. No matter what." Even though some days she does test me!<br />
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Another beautiful day and I couldn't resist another trip to the beach. Each time thinking this may be our last one this year (but then it wasn't.) I was hoping the warm weather would last even through September and October. I'd be happy if Fall and Winter never came. Of course I knew that was too much to hope for. This is Canada and you have to expect four seasons. Even if you're miserable during two of them. I try to look at the bright side and make the best of it for Michelle. I told her there is always something to look forward to in every season. Fall has Halloween at least and Winter has Christmas. <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fD8c0W8B-yM/WAZpqCqAs1I/AAAAAAAAL8M/YPb_sew4X60P0VS5RqVbaRJxnpJutlc_ACLcB/s1600/DSCN3565.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fD8c0W8B-yM/WAZpqCqAs1I/AAAAAAAAL8M/YPb_sew4X60P0VS5RqVbaRJxnpJutlc_ACLcB/s320/DSCN3565.JPG" width="264" /></a>I call Ali Michelle's furry older sister. And Ali is so big she weighs almost as much as Michelle! Michelle may not have other siblings but she does love her sister Ali. And sometimes Ali actually sits still long enough for me to get a picture of them together, which I love. Sometimes she even looks right at the camera, which makes my day especially when Michelle smiles too! That's the money shot! (Though it took a few failed attempts and some pretty goofy faces and noises on my part to make this happen!) Yes, the photographer is crazy. But it's worth it if Michelle laughs and Ali looks (looking at me like "What is WRONG WITH YOU LADY?!") <br />
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We went to see the Princess Margaret Dream Home with my Mom. It's a ritual. We always go to see them. They're always beautifully decorated. We can never resist buying a ticket. It's a good cause. The money goes to cancer research. And it buys a dream for a little while. I always think how wonderful it would be to win the home. Michelle loved it too. "Can we live here?!" she asked. "If we win!" I explained. <br />
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When I saw that the house had a yoga room and a music room (complete with guitars etc) I thought this house was made for me! So maybe it's a sign that I'm going to win! (Sure, could happen!) Michelle was impressed too. I overheard other people complaining about various things and saying that it wasn't "practical." Practical shmactical! I wanted to say. This is MY house anyway. You shouldn't win it if you don't even like it! I LOVED it!<br />
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It even had a pool! Michelle asked if we could go swimming in it. "No!" I said "not until/unless we win!" After I filled out the information to buy a ticket she asked "NOW CAN WE GO SWIMMING?!" The women working there laughed. I explained <br />
that just buying the ticket didn't automatically mean you won, it was just a remote chance, like any other lottery. "We can swim in it next summer, if we win!" I promised. Plus we hadn't even brought our bathing suits. <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kHa1D95FC48/WAZu3jCF7wI/AAAAAAAAL-0/_W0oQy9wVkke2CjBfVl-0XBOZhMQPHXyQCLcB/s1600/DSCN3654.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kHa1D95FC48/WAZu3jCF7wI/AAAAAAAAL-0/_W0oQy9wVkke2CjBfVl-0XBOZhMQPHXyQCLcB/s320/DSCN3654.JPG" width="230" /></a>Michelle made her very first purchase, on her own. It was a hot day and all of a sudden we could hear an ice cream truck going by. "Mama!" Michelle said, "I want to buy an ice cream!" I told her I wasn't sure if I had any change (mostly because I usually give all my change to her for her Sponge Bob piggy bank). "No!" she explained, "I want to buy it myself!" So we got out some change. I was worried by the time we got outside that he'd be gone and he almost was. We had to go running down the street after him but we did catch up with him (and looked ridiculous doing so no doubt! Most people don't stalk the ice cream truck down the street I'm sure!) Michelle was quite proud of herself that she paid for her first ice cream cone. "I have lots of money!" she bragged. "That's because you take all of Mama's money!" I reminded her. I tend to use credit cards to pay for anything but the rare times I actually have cash it seems Michelle is always asking "Can I have some change for my bank?" And I can't seem to say no to her.</div>
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September, the day before Michelle would start Kindergarten we made one last trip to the beach (well it didn't end up being our last but it was the last one before school anyway!) I had to fight back tears for a while. It was like our final goodbye. To the beach, to the summer, to the past four years, to the days when I had my little girl all to myself and she didn't have to go to school. It was a beautiful day but bittersweet. Michelle was excited to be starting school the next day though she did say she was going to miss her. I would miss her terribly.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rYslVZ18OAo/WAZxXHF9czI/AAAAAAAAMAc/AI6A8_au-tQh3aRfETgfL2vMjVgq6Q6CQCLcB/s1600/DSCN3770.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rYslVZ18OAo/WAZxXHF9czI/AAAAAAAAMAc/AI6A8_au-tQh3aRfETgfL2vMjVgq6Q6CQCLcB/s320/DSCN3770.JPG" width="259" /></a><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ISopmTgNpls/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ISopmTgNpls?feature=player_embedded" style="clear: left; float: left;" width="320"></iframe> Carefree sunny summer days at the beach. Michelle was laughing and splashing in the water. She met a couple of ladies with a German shepherd. She loves dogs but I always make sure she checks with the owner first that it's ok to pet the dog. They took him into the water. Michelle wanted to hold his leash in the water. He nearly knocked her over. Michelle was having a blast. I was trying not to get splashed (or get the camera splashed) but couldn't resist taking pictures. I wanted to hold on to that day, to the summer, forever. So I took a lot of photos, as always. I even took a little video of our last day at the beach, the last day of summer before school started and posted it on Youtube. (See the link below...)</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OarhLLDNVB4/WAdyh-H98sI/AAAAAAAAMBY/ureH-Td5foYJ9TLa7minLDAqGY6JFTaFgCLcB/s1600/DSCN3802.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OarhLLDNVB4/WAdyh-H98sI/AAAAAAAAMBY/ureH-Td5foYJ9TLa7minLDAqGY6JFTaFgCLcB/s320/DSCN3802.JPG" width="320" /></a>And then it came. Michelle's first day of school. I was a nervous wreck! It was a challenge packing her lunch bag. I went a little overboard. I wanted to make sure she wasn't hungry. I couldn't even fit all the snacks in so I had to use a separate bag. I was pleasantly surprised that she actually did eat most of her lunch on the first day. (I'd heard of kids that never eat anything and it all comes back home with them.) Unfortunately after the first day it never happened again. Apparently they gave them extra time to eat the first day but the rest of the year they're SOL and so rushed there's no time to finish. My niece explained they give out lunch alphabetically so by the time she got hers she had 5 minutes left to eat while the kids with "A" surnames had the full 20 minutes. Doesn't seem fair but I guess they have to do something. Can't they just let the kids grab their own lunches?</div>
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Michelle was ready for school. I had a little trouble waking her up but once she realized "It's the first day of school!" she was like an excited puppy. I got her ready. She wanted to bring a stuffie along. For some reason she chose a stuffed bat. Of course I had to get a bunch of souvenir photos of her very first day of kindergarten (and would continue to take photos just about every day afterward!) <br />
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I heard of other Moms taking a photo with their child holding a sign or blackboard that said 1st day of kindergarten so I used the little blackboard May had given me. I'll continue it each year so I can look back at Kindergarten, Senior Kindergarten, Grade One etc and see how she changes each year. I can't believe how much she's growing up. She looks like a little girl now, not my baby anymore. She prefers her hair in a ponytail to pigtails but I love the pigs. I managed to persuade her. "The pigtails are SO CUTE! You have the rest of your life to wear a ponytail. You can wear a ponytail even as an adult but you can really only get away with wearing pigtails when you're a little girl, so enjoy being a little girl while you can!" So she reluctantly agreed. At least for her first day. <br />
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I gave up trying to get Ali to look for a photo. We had to leave or we'd be late for school on the first day and that wouldn't be good (especially if I had to explain that we were late because my cat wouldn't cooperate and look at the camera for the photos...) At least I got Michelle laughing at Ali as Ali turned away from me. Even my silly noises weren't helping. Ali was like, "Nope. Not doing it. You can't make me look no matter WHAT you do!" Even my "Psss-wsss-wsss Bubba!" noises weren't working and that stuff is usually gold for some reason. (It's something my Aunt Janet used to say to her cats and somehow it always got their attention.)<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_2orGK3kIUQ/WAdypfByl-I/AAAAAAAAMBg/aVeHXjaY3VcUsCPGb61pg0iEaRsdwgrywCLcB/s1600/DSCN3814.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_2orGK3kIUQ/WAdypfByl-I/AAAAAAAAMBg/aVeHXjaY3VcUsCPGb61pg0iEaRsdwgrywCLcB/s320/DSCN3814.JPG" width="248" /></a>And even when we got outside Michelle couldn't escape the camera. I had to have a picture of her in natural light. This one melts my heart. She's like a little angel. The innocence in her eyes as she looks up at me, with her backpack on, about to embark on an educational journey 14-18 years long...I almost can't take it. She's going to learn so much, grow so much and change so much. And there is a lot that will be beyond my control. It's a journey she has to take on her own. I'm not there at school to make sure she eats her lunch and doesn't get hurt and that kids are nice to her and that everything is OK. She'll have to figure it out for herself. And I know somehow that she will be OK. She's a strong girl. But it still terrifies me. It's hard to let go. I didn't want to. I was like neurotic dad Marlin on Finding Nemo when he said "It's ok if you don't want to start school we could wait like 5 years..." but Nemo was dying to go. It wasn't Nemo that wasn't ready to go. It was his dad that couldn't let go. I relate. <br />
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I managed to hold it together when I dropped Michelle off at school but then I came home and cried. It hit me that this was the first time I had been alone in about 4 years. "What now?" I have my work schedule built around being there to take Michelle to and from school (because I can't bring myself to leave her with a stranger) so while she's at school during the day I'm home. I realized it was the first time since I was pregnant that I was actually ALONE during the day. Without Michelle, without work, what would I do? I went and got an iced cappuccino to treat myself/cheer myself up and recorded a video of myself having a mini-breakdown. I wasn't going to post in Youtube. But for some reason I thought what the heck and did. Here it is on Youtube:<br />
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After that first day though, I quickly realized that it's actually not that much time. It's only 6 hours that she's in school, not even a full day. There's so much to do around the house, so many things that I've been putting off that it's good to have time to myself to get things done. I've also started writing and illustrating a children's book (an idea I'd been toying with for a year but never got around to) and I plan to write a novel as well. I started playing guitar and singing again. Creativity was always such a big part of my life but when Michelle was home I usually never found the time or energy for it. Now with her in school I could find myself and my passions again. Even with this time I still didn't get finished my blog in October as planned. We're into November and I'm obviously still working on it. Chipping away at it a bit at a time.<br />
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With time to myself again I found myself picking up my guitar and looking through old songs. I found a song that I'd written about Michelle's father. I'd almost forgotten about it. After he left I tried to avoid writing or singing about him. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction (if he did snoop online to see what I was up to after he disappeared leaving me 4 months pregnant.) So all my songs were about Michelle. Now, all these years later, seeing this song I thought it's time to post it. I don't know if he checks out my blog, my Youtube, Twitter. I don't know if he's mildly curious or if he's forgotten all about us. But I hope he is haunted sometimes by what he's done, thinks about the life he left behind, feels some kind of remorse for the cowardly way he made his exit (without any apology or goodbye.) The song is called "Haunted." Here's the link to the video on Youtube:</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xfnyHApf1yc/WAd0hYtkPlI/AAAAAAAAMCs/et1hfCyRmbYEQcydcyeCBGOC0D8DB7BDQCLcB/s1600/DSCN3901.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xfnyHApf1yc/WAd0hYtkPlI/AAAAAAAAMCs/et1hfCyRmbYEQcydcyeCBGOC0D8DB7BDQCLcB/s320/DSCN3901.JPG" width="262" /></a>The weather was still quite warm in early September when she started school so I was able to put her in summer dresses. I was always anxious to hear about her day when I picked her up from school but for some reason it was like pulling teeth to get her to talk about it. "What did you do at school today?" "I don't know." "Well did you learn anything? Did you sing songs, play games, draw, write, read stories?" Sometimes Michelle came home tired and moody. She'd snap at me. It's like there was no pleasing her. I was getting discouraged. The teacher told me that it's common. Kids are tired, overwhelmed and can be drained by the end of the day. It's a lot to take in -- going to school for the first time. Learning new things, meeting new people. Also I've been told that kids seem to save their worst behavior for their parents. So even if she was an angel all day in class she will let her true colours show when Mama is around because she knows I love her no matter what and she can test my boundaries. "Save the drama for your Mama!" </div>
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Michelle's artwork always puts a smile on my face. And she puts a smile on everything -- every animal, even the sun, even the flowers. It's a happy world. I am glad that Michelle is a happy girl most of the time. She has her moments when she's overtired and cranky and then she can be sad/angry but overall she is enthusiastic, full of energy, confident, happy, strong. Everything that I wish I was. She has started saying recently that she wants to be just like me when I grow up but the truth is that I wish I was more like her. I never have that sort of energy (I don't know if I ever did, even as a kid.) I don't think I ever had anywhere close to her confidence and strength. I was always a little timid and shy, plagued with self doubt. I'd like to take some of the credit at least for her high self esteem because I've always showered her in attention and praise. I just hope I didn't go TOO far. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6TBZq34i-w/WAd2c_nIecI/AAAAAAAAMDk/KoMvmigq9kQuYpcUctIvh4NE8DH2gWp-QCLcB/s1600/DSCN3965.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6TBZq34i-w/WAd2c_nIecI/AAAAAAAAMDk/KoMvmigq9kQuYpcUctIvh4NE8DH2gWp-QCLcB/s320/DSCN3965.JPG" width="247" /></a>It's all sunshine and rainbows in Michelle's world. Here she painted herself and Ali with a rainbow. When I showed her some of the work I'd done on my book, she said she wanted to do her own book and drew the pictures and told me what to write. I loved making books as a kid as well -- drawing and writing. As an adult I couldn't have imagined how difficult it is to do a children's book though. It's a testament to children's book authors that they make it look easy. It's really not. Children's books are magical -- to tell a story that is simple enough for children to understand but is engaging and timeless is a real art and doesn't come easily. I've been struggling with it. I pretty much have the story but I wanted to illustrate it as well. I could just send it to a publisher without illustrations but I really want to try to do both. I figured since I used to paint that I could manage but working with watercolours and trying to illustrate a book is a very different challenge. </div>
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QXRh5YxJSNw/WAd3lPIMEFI/AAAAAAAAMDw/vjYkofks_yEN-Cf1nE5fpCx5MNrl87grgCLcB/s1600/DSCN3970.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QXRh5YxJSNw/WAd3lPIMEFI/AAAAAAAAMDw/vjYkofks_yEN-Cf1nE5fpCx5MNrl87grgCLcB/s200/DSCN3970.JPG" width="169" /></a><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A6lPTLo8iEk/WAd3peT5rbI/AAAAAAAAMD0/B-V5IqHVHEonJ_cxljT3CFvtDr2QMP4wACLcB/s1600/DSCN3974.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A6lPTLo8iEk/WAd3peT5rbI/AAAAAAAAMD0/B-V5IqHVHEonJ_cxljT3CFvtDr2QMP4wACLcB/s200/DSCN3974.JPG" width="150" /></a><br />
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We took advantage of the beautiful weather and went for a bike ride after school. Michelle loves riding her bike. I'm not sure when I'll be brave enough to take the training wheels off (maybe next year.) I'm going to be a nervous wreck when I do. It's hard enough to let go figuratively. When I have to let go literally and watch her wobble and possibly fall and get hurt as she finds her balance and rides her bike alone for the first time -- it will kill me. But I know I have to do it. And she will find her balance and it will be empowering. It's an amazing feeling when you master a new task, when you become independent and find that you really can do something on your own. Of course I haven't even ridden a bike myself in several years. The last time I attempted as an adult I found that it is true, you never do forget. But I was a little rusty!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YwBYwdf2GmY/WAkQ4j-_vKI/AAAAAAAAMEc/cUWC63BRW_8CWwoVtHgM7boh1WEKWvh3QCLcB/s1600/Michelle%2Bhelping%2Bboy%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YwBYwdf2GmY/WAkQ4j-_vKI/AAAAAAAAMEc/cUWC63BRW_8CWwoVtHgM7boh1WEKWvh3QCLcB/s320/Michelle%2Bhelping%2Bboy%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a>I was so proud of Michelle when her teacher showed me a "Picture of Caring" where Michelle had helped a boy put on his shoes. I worried about Michelle being able to do things for herself -- doing up her shoes and coat etc. To see that she was not only managing to do things herself but was helping others warmed my heart. <br />
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I worried how Michelle would be in school. She wasn't used to being with other kids her own age. Would she get along with them? Would she share? I was pleased to find that she did. And she had a best friend, almost from the first day although she didn't know her name. (She kept calling her buddy. I found out the name from her teacher.) Apparently Michelle is terrible with names. She may get that from me because I've never been able to remember names either. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uxaKK7nVhto/WAkRRhAEyZI/AAAAAAAAMEk/P7m5WtOLM_4HWYb6pueTBbcaqzVU9Ha1QCLcB/s1600/RSCN4029.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uxaKK7nVhto/WAkRRhAEyZI/AAAAAAAAMEk/P7m5WtOLM_4HWYb6pueTBbcaqzVU9Ha1QCLcB/s320/RSCN4029.JPG" width="251" /></a>Every day I pick Michelle up from school she runs to me excitedly yelling "Mamaaaaaaaaaa!" Seeing how happy she is to see me is the best part of my day. Once we get home however, I'm never quite sure what I'm going to get. Some days she's abrupt, even sarcastic with me, demanding and impossible. There's just no pleasing her, no matter what I do. Sometimes it feels like she's a different girl. Could school have changed her so quickly? Then other days she'll be my sweet loving girl again. Telling me how much she loves me. Hugging and kissing me. I know that she's going through a lot. School is a big change in our lives and even though she was excited about it and loves it, it still takes a lot of adjustment. She's becoming more independent, finding her way and having to balance that with her dependence on me. </div>
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Michelle and I both love the warm weather and thankfully it continued through most of September. We went to the park as often as we could, both at our place and near Grandma's when we were there. Michelle loves going on the swing and can swing high all by herself. She was happy to run into an old friend at the park as well and had a race with her. Michelle didn't go easy on her because she was younger. Michelle won by a landslide. She doesn't quite get the concept of giving someone smaller a head start or letting them win. I used to let Michelle win when we'd run a race but she got so fast that now she can pretty much outrun me on her own!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7MoKAeyVRlE/WAkR_oqmDNI/AAAAAAAAMFc/AxKGtBkMDK8rSPPibGChNZY3lsOBEdmbQCLcB/s1600/RSCN4057.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7MoKAeyVRlE/WAkR_oqmDNI/AAAAAAAAMFc/AxKGtBkMDK8rSPPibGChNZY3lsOBEdmbQCLcB/s320/RSCN4057.JPG" width="240" /></a>Something as simple as swinging on a swing still thrills Michelle. "Wheeeeee! Look I'm flying!" I wish I could get that excited about anything anymore. But I guess it's part of being a kid. Life is just a magical adventure. No worries or responsibilities. Just fun. <br />
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And of course I always have my camera on me. Even when we're just going to the park because if I keep snapping I might catch one of her perfect smiles... Mission accomplished! <br />
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And then, halfway through September, it was a really hot day on the weekend and I thought "BEACH DAY!" I told Michelle that this time it really was the last time we'd be at the beach this year. We made the most of the day. Somehow it's even sweeter when it feels like you're stealing a little summer in the middle of Fall. There weren't many people there. And it was a little cooler by the water. Too cold to swim but we had fun playing in the sand.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3QsOP1RmBIE/WBOUW4Yy0aI/AAAAAAAAMG8/DjvHyvrSNe8VbtMSY02eJU9vZuTsNjVggCLcB/s1600/DSCN4111.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3QsOP1RmBIE/WBOUW4Yy0aI/AAAAAAAAMG8/DjvHyvrSNe8VbtMSY02eJU9vZuTsNjVggCLcB/s320/DSCN4111.JPG" width="272" /></a>"Say cheese!" I say. Of course it doesn't always work. Sometimes Michelle says it reluctantly and it's strained and doesn't even look like a smile. Other times she just shakes her head. But then I make her laugh and there's that smile. Click. These are the summer smiles I'll hold onto in the dead of winter. I can always look back at these pictures and transport myself back there, to a sunny day by the lake, when Michelle was four years old and happy and all was right in the world. Life is fragile, impermanent. Photos are forever. I will never apologize for taking so many pictures. I only regret the ones I didn't get to take. Though I have to admit posting them in this blog is more difficult than I can even explain. Let's just say it's the opposite of user friendly. I get an error message when I log on and it doesn't let me put the photos where I want. It's a struggle and sometimes I just have to give up for the day before I hurl my computer.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HpIYiv1ONTM/WBOtO6tculI/AAAAAAAAMIA/V6NjqyLBlygEkfOndriH8UxYuztRwU79gCLcB/s1600/DSCN4164.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HpIYiv1ONTM/WBOtO6tculI/AAAAAAAAMIA/V6NjqyLBlygEkfOndriH8UxYuztRwU79gCLcB/s320/DSCN4164.JPG" width="227" /></a>As if I don't take enough photos of Michelle of course the school was going to do it to. I dressed her up for picture day. I worried she'd ruin her dress and have her hair a mess by the time she got her photo but she managed to stay in one piece. It's a long process getting the pictures back. (As I write this I still haven't received the package though I have ordered it.) I had a tough time deciding what to get. They give so many different options for packages of 8x10s, wallet sizes etc. I had to get a digital copy of all the photos though. And I wanted a keychain so I could have her sweet face with me all the time. I was glad that she was smiling in both the poses. They had an option to pay extra and have photos retouched. Michelle didn't have any imperfections to airbrush out but I thought that even if she did (and in the future she may have missing teeth, pimples etc.) I would never want to take them out. I love my girl, flaws and all and it's all part of growing up.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_qHFuieoylk/WBOs_EHDAQI/AAAAAAAAMHc/_QTuC8J4VpQx4l--1Ri0rlbnJmEYkd5awCLcB/s1600/DSCN4165.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_qHFuieoylk/WBOs_EHDAQI/AAAAAAAAMHc/_QTuC8J4VpQx4l--1Ri0rlbnJmEYkd5awCLcB/s200/DSCN4165.JPG" width="152" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F1tPyYKtMaQ/WBOtJIw0JCI/AAAAAAAAMHw/zDlvjGTij049cOekWafvAEpAu4LhD598wCLcB/s1600/DSCN4170.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F1tPyYKtMaQ/WBOtJIw0JCI/AAAAAAAAMHw/zDlvjGTij049cOekWafvAEpAu4LhD598wCLcB/s200/DSCN4170.JPG" width="176" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m4cjGoQldkA/WBOtCVndU6I/AAAAAAAAMHk/HvrEWDIMsccj18Gk9JK9a0IBbj3MfCPUwCLcB/s1600/DSCN4166.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m4cjGoQldkA/WBOtCVndU6I/AAAAAAAAMHk/HvrEWDIMsccj18Gk9JK9a0IBbj3MfCPUwCLcB/s320/DSCN4166.JPG" width="320" /></a>I was happy I caught so many smiles and I even got Ali to look... I love my two girls and some of my favourite photos ever are the ones where they are together. Michelle and Ali love each other too although they have had their disagreements. Sometimes Michelle will accidentally scare Ali and Ali lashes out. I reminded Michelle that cats do have a wild side. If they feel threatened, they're instincts kick in. Luckily she's never wound up with more than a little scratch and each one a lesson -- if you mess with a cat, be prepared for the claws...<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jYuZT7oR7Ro/WBOtJk9mtiI/AAAAAAAAMH0/ZZZVgot7aAUa8G08ZbqjZjXyj21rYBUGQCLcB/s1600/DSCN4171.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jYuZT7oR7Ro/WBOtJk9mtiI/AAAAAAAAMH0/ZZZVgot7aAUa8G08ZbqjZjXyj21rYBUGQCLcB/s200/DSCN4171.JPG" width="165" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xRYozhYkKqc/WBOtOXznyVI/AAAAAAAAMH8/ReljZla33NAREROucC7MBAeCKnTirITZgCLcB/s1600/DSCN4172.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xRYozhYkKqc/WBOtOXznyVI/AAAAAAAAMH8/ReljZla33NAREROucC7MBAeCKnTirITZgCLcB/s200/DSCN4172.JPG" width="144" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d4HqekPWjxs/WBOtKS6wvyI/AAAAAAAAMH4/cg8zOD2mUL8vl4wHS0yODs6hJ55hsQq4gCLcB/s1600/Michelle%2Bschool%2Bphoto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d4HqekPWjxs/WBOtKS6wvyI/AAAAAAAAMH4/cg8zOD2mUL8vl4wHS0yODs6hJ55hsQq4gCLcB/s320/Michelle%2Bschool%2Bphoto.jpg" width="240" /></a>When I ordered her photos they had one that I could download right away. The one here. I loved both of them. In the other one she's showing her teeth. They're both cute. I can't wait to get the package. I don't actually have recent printed photos of Michelle. For years it's all been digital and as I've mentioned before I do want to print albums for her but catching up from when she was a newborn will be a Herculean task! Even just posting a single blog about a couple of months means wading through thousands of photos. So trying to go through FOUR YEARS worth of pictures?! It seems overwhelming. So I procrastinate (like I do with everything else.) I will get to it eventually. I have a list of projects to get to but somehow there don't seem to be enough hours in the day. Even now that she's in school that's only 6 hours a day. By the time I do chores around the house, do some grocery shopping and go on the computer for a bit, the day is over!</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HmT9_215Xlg/WBtlc4enysI/AAAAAAAAMNs/Uvc8t18jAGUgZNLp92HgHtO7lFVFrYgxACLcB/s1600/Michelle%2Bschool%2Bphoto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HmT9_215Xlg/WBtlc4enysI/AAAAAAAAMNs/Uvc8t18jAGUgZNLp92HgHtO7lFVFrYgxACLcB/s320/Michelle%2Bschool%2Bphoto.jpg" width="213" /></a>Well that's weird! I no sooner wrote about Michelle's school photos here and then she came home with them an hour later! So I might as well post the other one here. I got a CD with all the poses (all two of them apparently. I thought there might have been more but there's just 3 and 2 of them are just the same picture but one is closer up.) I also got an 8x10, 5x7s, wallet sizes and keychains. I remember when I was in school and Mom couldn't be bothered paying for the school photos so all I had were the proofs with the word Josten's or whatever across my face. Mom used the excuse that she couldn't afford to order pictures for all of us and that they weren't very good anyway etc. I don't think I could sleep at night if I knew there was a picture of Michelle out there that I didn't have! I'm a total photoholic. Like when we go to Bird Kingdom or somewhere that takes your photos I HAVE to order them because I can't let them go to waste. You can't just throw memories away!<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p_b7bC4xdXE/WBOtdQonHDI/AAAAAAAAMII/d5Bhgrlzx38g-rNdd-lKe5oZEg5ecFmzQCLcB/s1600/RSCN4175.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; height: 146px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; width: 189px;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p_b7bC4xdXE/WBOtdQonHDI/AAAAAAAAMII/d5Bhgrlzx38g-rNdd-lKe5oZEg5ecFmzQCLcB/s200/RSCN4175.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qcc8JD2aylU/WBOt4mAV2mI/AAAAAAAAMIY/l-9uEYaf2dQyRcjMFEeMHuhthUHeskKVACLcB/s1600/DSCN4177.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qcc8JD2aylU/WBOt4mAV2mI/AAAAAAAAMIY/l-9uEYaf2dQyRcjMFEeMHuhthUHeskKVACLcB/s320/DSCN4177.JPG" width="240" /></a>And then it was Meet the Teacher night. I would get to see inside Michelle's classroom and talk to her teacher. I misunderstood and thought it was a parent-teacher interview but it was more of a casual open house where you could come in and see the classroom and chat with the teacher for a bit. I was anxious to see her class because it was like pulling teeth getting Michelle to talk about anything that she did at school. The teacher had told me this was natural for kids her age. You have to ask pointed questions. "What did you do today?" is too vague. "Did you go to the library?" is more direct and at least you may get a yes or no. I try not to push and let Michelle tell me things in her own time. Usually she'll wind up singing a new song she learned or telling me about a funny story they read so at least I find something out. Or she'll suddenly say "I had a bad day today!" because she fell or someone was in the washroom when she had to go or someone else was playing with the toy she wanted. "Yeah, that sounds rough."<br />
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When we got to her class Michelle just kept going on about wanting to show me the gym. "The gym? Why the gym? This is supposed to be a tour of your CLASS!" Still, Michelle insisted so we wandered through the school until we found it (Michelle didn't actually know the way because she'd always been led there by the teacher.) Once we got inside the big empty gymnasium I understood the attraction. Michelle ran and ran around the gym. Blissfully running in the open space and burning off all that energy. Michelle LOVES to run. Her favourite thing is playing in the gym. So she ran around, even in a dress. Having all that room to herself seemed especially fun. Eventually I told her we really should get back so I could see her class and formally meet her teacher (though I'd seen her teacher in passing every day when I dropped Michelle off and picked her up.) She has two teachers actually and they're both very nice. <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0EDDByy_ocw/WBOve3O3RxI/AAAAAAAAMJU/9pYXBMZKAGo4YAQll-A8-UGXR3FhmOALACLcB/s1600/DSCN4212.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0EDDByy_ocw/WBOve3O3RxI/AAAAAAAAMJU/9pYXBMZKAGo4YAQll-A8-UGXR3FhmOALACLcB/s320/DSCN4212.JPG" width="233" /></a>Michelle always wants to bring a stuffie to school. Sometimes it's a cat, others it's a bat. She has so many. Most she's collected on birthdays and other occasions (though sometimes no occasion at all, I can't resist giving her cute things when I come across them.) Some were actually mine from before she was even born (because I've never really grown up and I love stuffed animals too!) One day, out of the blue, Michelle decided she wanted to take her pink unicorn to school. It seemed a little big to carry around but she didn't mind. I've heard of kids having a security blanket. Michelle never had one. But she's a hugger. She always needs someone or something to cuddle. One day she told me that she hugged the teacher. "Why?" I asked. "Because I wanted you. And you weren't there." I found out later that she'd fallen and gotten hurt. She always wants a hug when she's hurt. My Mom warned her that the teacher wouldn't be allowed to hug her but it was OK with me. It broke my heart that I wasn't there for her. </div>
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Michelle runs and falls A LOT. It's like she can't keep still. She's so rambunctious. She loves to run outside. She even tries to run inside and sometimes it just doesn't work. Especially if there are things all over the floor. Sometimes I will have just warned her "Don't run!" or "Don't leave things on the floor to slip on!" then she'll fall and get hurt right after. Those are usually the times she doesn't cry because she's too embarrassed to admit I was right. She'll just dust herself off and say "I'm OK!" As a parent sometimes I feel like all I do is nag: "Be careful! Watch out! Don't do that!" but it's to protect her. The bottom line though is that I can't protect her from everything. She will have fumbles and scrapes whether I'm there or not. And being able to dust herself off and say "I'm OK!" is a life skill. A few bruises here and there will make her stronger than if she just sat still and never ran amok.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JX1Q7vbO5ZY/WBVrP7yL4mI/AAAAAAAAMKE/xZewl7x-QxYreebD4TVVmMvkS-oFWEU3ACLcB/s1600/DSCN4227.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JX1Q7vbO5ZY/WBVrP7yL4mI/AAAAAAAAMKE/xZewl7x-QxYreebD4TVVmMvkS-oFWEU3ACLcB/s320/DSCN4227.JPG" width="254" /></a>Michelle always wants to be Queen of the world so it was only fitting that she was crowned the Queen of the Family Reunion for being the youngest one there. Every 5-10 years on my Mom's side of the family there is a big Anderson Family Reunion. My Nana had many brothers and sisters and each of them had children who had grandchildren so it's a BIG group! Each family is given a different colour. We're always black. Presumably because we're the black sheep of the family. This year Mom was really a rebel and insisted on wearing navy because she had a new navy dress she wanted to wear. "But our colour is BLACK!" I explained. "You're going to RUIN the group photo!" "I don't care," she said. "This is why you're the black sheep of the family!" I laughed. We lucked out. I mean, black is the easiest colour. Some people actually have to wear yellow. I don't own anything yellow. Nor do I ever plan to.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2P_TJEJMr4c/WBVrh4xo3GI/AAAAAAAAMKY/rha21UlnQPYKKf6-_wu5RbxHOflGPY6jQCLcB/s1600/DSCN4236.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2P_TJEJMr4c/WBVrh4xo3GI/AAAAAAAAMKY/rha21UlnQPYKKf6-_wu5RbxHOflGPY6jQCLcB/s320/DSCN4236.JPG" width="258" /></a>"I'm the QUEEN Mama! And you're the Princess." "Ummm. I don't think it works that way. I'm the Mama so I have to be the Queen and you would be the Princess." "No! I AM THE QUEEN!" "All right. All right. My bad. Whatever you say, Your Highness." Michelle has her Diva moments. She can be bossy, demanding, moody, possessive. A relative came over to talk to my Mom and rested her hand on Michelle's chair and Michelle was trying to push her away and saying "My chair." "Be nice!" I angrily whispered, "you don't push people away! Sometimes older people need to lean on something to stand. Show some compassion!" Then just when you're losing patience with her she'll do something sweet, hug you and say she loves you and all is forgiven. I am so OWNED... </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CE7oIiZYkik/WBVrwF9F03I/AAAAAAAAMK0/anx7T4flFiIiXekGQdtDgXr21G17MWgLgCLcB/s1600/DSCN4250.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CE7oIiZYkik/WBVrwF9F03I/AAAAAAAAMK0/anx7T4flFiIiXekGQdtDgXr21G17MWgLgCLcB/s200/DSCN4250.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2NTBAPxJ-Ho/WBVrpiYdihI/AAAAAAAAMKo/QVbsYFJhjsUrwNtA89_UJL_3kFxdi4vQgCLcB/s1600/DSCN4248.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2NTBAPxJ-Ho/WBVrpiYdihI/AAAAAAAAMKo/QVbsYFJhjsUrwNtA89_UJL_3kFxdi4vQgCLcB/s200/DSCN4248.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ytD7T7myKGg/WBVrtGnG9xI/AAAAAAAAMKs/KtI7FLFNi0wKS9ZVmOtaJcaa9JPd344LQCLcB/s1600/DSCN4249.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ytD7T7myKGg/WBVrtGnG9xI/AAAAAAAAMKs/KtI7FLFNi0wKS9ZVmOtaJcaa9JPd344LQCLcB/s320/DSCN4249.JPG" width="320" /></a>So here we are the Pincivero clan, my Nana Mary's ancestors, all dressed in black, except for Mom, the rebel, throwing the whole thing off. I mean even the KIDS wore black. Oh well, what are you going to do? You can't take her anywhere! We're the black and blue family! Reggie and Michelle were crowned King and Queen as the youngest boy and girl in the Anderson family. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4n6m0_DbKak/WBVryrDi_-I/AAAAAAAAMK4/pZhheGEiSXQIgJDncYd6_UbcLUWsE6mhwCLcB/s1600/DSCN4251.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4n6m0_DbKak/WBVryrDi_-I/AAAAAAAAMK4/pZhheGEiSXQIgJDncYd6_UbcLUWsE6mhwCLcB/s320/DSCN4251.JPG" width="320" /></a>Mom always tells the story of how my grandmother was supposed to be on the Titanic but one of her brothers was sick so they had to get the next ship after the Titanic from England to Canada. It always blew my mind that maybe none of us would have existed. She might have been one of the victims on the Titanic and then my Mom, my brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews and my daughter Michelle, none of us would have existed. After the reunion I was curious so I researched about ships after the Titanic. I scrolled through microfiched ship logs looking for the Andersons. But there were missing pages and I never did find them. I thought it would have been cool. Family is important to me and knowing our history helps us to appreciate who we are and what we have now. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ptMo419KdRY/WBVr2jkoGZI/AAAAAAAAMLA/J8pvV8BoIO0coyyawP25W_FiwWP90mNEwCLcB/s1600/DSCN4262.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ptMo419KdRY/WBVr2jkoGZI/AAAAAAAAMLA/J8pvV8BoIO0coyyawP25W_FiwWP90mNEwCLcB/s320/DSCN4262.JPG" width="320" /></a>Since the date was close anyway and it's hard to get the whole gang together, we also used the reunion to celebrate Mike's birthday too. Mom brought a cake and we sang Happy Birthday. It felt kind of rushed (the hall had only been rented for the afternoon) and I felt a bit sad when we all had to leave and go our separate ways. We're still lucky to live relatively close to each other (Mike is the furthest away.) Some families are spread out over the globe. Some are estranged and never get together. Family is important to me and will always be a part of my life. </div>
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Aaack! Please excuse mistakes/shoddy editing and whatnot. I think I just give up! This has been pieced together like Frankenstein's monster and I don't even know if the pieces fit together. If I wind up posting this it will be a sheer miracle! I was about to post it when I realized that several of the photos which were previously in the right spot were suddenly off kilter, inexplicably, and I couldn't seem to get them into the right spots! I can't even begin to describe how frustrating it is. You click on a photo to drag and drop it and it simply DOESN'T LET YOU. It won't budge. Then it goes where you don't want it to. And you go through that with EVERY PHOTO. So something that should take a minute takes an hour and your fingers are sore. It's enough to drive you STARK STARING MAD! LOL And I don't know if it's because I'm using an antiquated template so the settings aren't right (I get an error message when I log in to my blog but I keep going anyway.) or if it's because it wants me to update to Google Chrome or some nonsense? I am NOT a fan of change or technology. I don't have apps. I don't play Pokémon Go. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong century. I wish there weren't so many errors and glitches with my blog but I'm afraid if I change the template/layout settings then all my previous posts will be messed up (photos askew etc.) Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I even put myself through this. It's not like I'm getting paid to do it. (Well there are some ads on the site but I only make a few pennies off of them.) I don't even know who is reading this (although when I check my stats and see that people around the world actually are reading it is the coolest thing ever! So thank you if you are!) But it's something I feel like I have to do, for myself. It's become a habit, a part of my life since pregnancy and I don't want to stop. Even when I get INCREDIBLY discouraged!<br />
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The Summer went by in the blink of an eye. Even October seemed to last like 5 minutes and I find myself in November still trying to finish a blog about August and September! I should try to do shorter posts. Just a little blurb with one or two photos just to say hey but when I look back at all the pictures I can never decide which to choose so I wind up using so many of them and creating such a long post that it becomes almost impossible to finish. But this is what I do. It's what I've done since March of 2012 when I found myself alone and pregnant. Now I find myself the mother of a 4 year old girl who is getting more grown up every day. And somehow I need this. Even if it isn't easy. Even if no one reads it. It's for me. Because this is my journey with my girl. This is our history and I want to record and share it. And if somewhere out there there's a single Mom who feels less alone because of my posts, then it's all worth it. <br />
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Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-75374963723588316462016-08-31T18:55:00.001-04:002016-08-31T23:46:44.442-04:00Fit...to be tied<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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For many of us, it's an uphill battle to get (or to stay) fit. Especially if you're over 40 (when your metabolism slows) and a Mom (because well, they call it "mommy tummy" for a reason!) A number of factors make it easier to pack on the pounds and harder to lose them: aging, stress, lack of sleep... So, basically my life in a nutshell! Being a single Mom it's that much harder to find the time (or energy) to take care of yourself. Every winter I manage to put on at least 10 lbs (sometimes 15-20) and every spring/summer I work my butt off to lose it (or some of it at least) again through diet and exercise. Last winter I told myself this is absurd. I can't do this up and down thing anymore. I was at an acceptable weight (I seemed to hit a plateau at 140 lbs and finally just accepted it) and for a while I was actually pretty good about maintaining it until COOKIES HAPPENED in February and it was all shot to hell!<br />
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Then I started working out in March. I decided to be ambitious and set a goal to be 135 lbs by my birthday in May. (That was even 5 lbs less than I was the summer before. But 10 lbs more than I was before I got pregnant because 125 just seemed unrealistic.) And then, a couple of weeks before my birthday I got down to 137. I was psyched. I thought "Wow! I'm so close!" so I kicked things up a notch, cut calories even further and exercised even more. I continued doing yoga & went back to doing my Tabatas as well (because I'm all about efficiency and if I can work out for 4 minutes instead of 1 hour and get the same results, I'm all for it!) I did 3 sets of Tabatas each day -- a cardio, a strength one and an ab one. But somehow I had reached a stalemate. The number on the scale wasn't budging no matter what I did. Then I even went up a bit and was close to hurling the scale out the window. So I didn't reach my goal by my birthday. But I was close.<br />
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Then in June all of a sudden it's like my metabolism had shifted and I dropped the last two pounds. (It also probably didn't hurt that I was doing yard work/going for long hikes, getting more exercise in general.) More importantly than the pounds, I had also dropped another percent of body fat (I have a BMI scale that measures body fat percentage as well.) So I felt like I was losing fat AND building muscle. I still had some firming up to do (unfortunately when you go from 125 to 190 lbs carrying a 9 lb infant it stretches your tummy a little! That "pooch" may never completely disappear...) but I was pleased overall. I was feeling reasonably healthy. Unfortunately I was going to have a bit of a health scare to knock the wind out of my sails.<br />
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June was a tricky month work-wise. I wound up taking a lot of extra hours. I work 12 hour shifts. With my commute this makes for a 14-15 hour day, most of it spent sitting.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wu8wALp6iKY/V57tAEuhSnI/AAAAAAAAK4Y/a3pLZK097fMucIhN-9kfbyzy9Q-ye7kBwCEw/s1600/DSCN0519.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wu8wALp6iKY/V57tAEuhSnI/AAAAAAAAK4Y/a3pLZK097fMucIhN-9kfbyzy9Q-ye7kBwCEw/s320/DSCN0519.JPG" width="320" /></a>By the end of June I was exhausted/depleted. After working a 15 hour day, I started feeling a little numbness in my right leg. I didn't think too much of it. My circulation isn't the best anyway and sitting/driving so much wouldn't help. Sometimes I wake up with my arm or leg a little numb and I figure I was just lying on it and it's gone to sleep. Then it goes away. This was different though. My foot and leg were numb and early the next morning I noticed a blue lump on my right foot and veins sticking out all around it. "Oh. That can't be good," I thought. My leg felt a bit numb & when I went to get up for a glass of water I got dizzy and collapsed. I worried it might be a blood clot. My Mom told me about a relative that had a blood clot in her leg and her husband massaged her leg to ease the pain. The clot traveled to her brain and she died. I thought "Well I'm for sure not going to MASSAGE it!" but I called Telehealth to see what I should do (9 times out of 10 they tell you to just go to the hospital to get checked out but I figured it can't hurt to ask.) I had to leave my number and have a nurse get back to me which she did within a few minutes. When I told her my symptoms she said "I'm going to call you an ambulance!" "No you're not!" I explained I'm a single Mom with a toddler who couldn't ride on board an ambulance. "I can drive myself to the hospital!" She asked (rather sarcastically I might add) how I could drive if my leg was "numb." "Well maybe that's a poor choice of words," I explained. "I can still WALK on it. I can still DRIVE. It's more just pins & needles/gone to sleep like I was lying on it the wrong way or something." "Well," the nurse warned me, "get yourself to the hospital RIGHT AWAY then." I called my Mom and my sister to get their take on it. They were pretty worried and wanted me to get checked out as well. I did plan to go to the hospital but Michelle was still asleep and I didn't want to drag her out of bed cranky so I waited until she got up and got her breakfast. Then I broke the news. Michelle wasn't the least bit upset. She saw it as an adventure.<br />
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"Mama has to go to the hospital so they can check out my foot..."<br />
"Cool! Can I go too?!"<br />
"Of course, you have to come with me. I can't leave you alone."<br />
"This is so exciting! I've never been to the hospital before!"<br />
(Yeah she was really worried about me!)<br />
"Well I don't know if exciting is the right word...but it will be an adventure. Hopefully we don't have to wait too long."<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DNEUW-ZCKIg/V57tGA5mCpI/AAAAAAAAK4g/_09CgUwCXrAlyn_VxIZGL9uuDNCvqLnYQCEw/s1600/DSCN0537.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DNEUW-ZCKIg/V57tGA5mCpI/AAAAAAAAK4g/_09CgUwCXrAlyn_VxIZGL9uuDNCvqLnYQCEw/s320/DSCN0537.JPG" width="249" /></a>I'd heard horror stories about waiting in emergency for hours on end so I was prepared for the worst. Whether I just got lucky or whether they felt sorry for me (a single Mom with child in tow, hobbling around with a blue foot/possible blood clot and I mentioned that Telehealth wanted to send me an ambulance...) I was done in about an hour. From triage to the first, second, third waiting room and then to see a doctor, all in under an hour! I was pretty worried but Michelle's cheery disposition helped me to feel a little better. I'm not a fan of hospitals on the best of days. Michelle helped them take my blood pressure, helped me follow the footprints on the floor that led to the next of a series of waiting rooms and was good as gold until we got to the last waiting room which was full and a little creepier than the previous waiting areas. This one had a man in a hospital gown with questionable wounds and tubes coming out of him. Michelle was staring. In my head I was chanting "please don't say anything, please don't say anything!" And she didn't. She did finally run out of patience however and sighed. "How long is this going to TAKE?! I don't think it could get much WORSE?!" I laughed. "Honey. It's not so bad. And it can ALWAYS be worse!" I always remember the line from Shakespeare's King Lear: "The worst is not. So long as we can say "This is the worst." As I sat there, adjusting myself in my hard plastic chair, my leg feeling increasingly numb, I glanced around at the other people, wondering what they were there for. I was trying to stay calm for Michelle's sake but I was a little nervous.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OgJMlz1cNuE/V7wB3AoE5yI/AAAAAAAALW8/B-x9j8JiVvYgUhpfzXsJ8S4LgirpKmXfgCEw/s1600/DSCN1950.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OgJMlz1cNuE/V7wB3AoE5yI/AAAAAAAALW8/B-x9j8JiVvYgUhpfzXsJ8S4LgirpKmXfgCEw/s320/DSCN1950.JPG" width="235" /></a>A nurse came and had me sit on a chair in the hallway. Then she got a stethoscope to listen to the lump on my foot. I felt awkward. I'd never had anyone listen to my foot before. Especially on a hot summer day when I was wearing sandals. The nurse explained she had to listen and make sure blood was flowing. "It's not a DVT," she told me as though hospital lingo meant anything to me. "DVT?" I asked. I thought the v might stand for vein but I was fuzzy on the rest. "Deep vein thrombosis." Next I was directed to a room where the doctor came to look at my foot and explained that it was just a small clot in a small vein in my foot. He used the metaphor of a tree to illustrate that an issue with a small branch doesn't affect the trunk. Had it been a major artery in my leg, a DVT, it would have been very serious. He suggested I keep my foot elevated for a bit. (That wasn't going to happen but I had fun daydreaming about actually putting my foot up as I lay in a hammock on the beach. The reality was I would be going home to do housework and then working nightshift that weekend so I'd be sitting and or driving for 14 hours a day.) He said I didn't really have to do anything about it. It would just work itself out. I asked if I should take aspirin. He said I could take baby aspirin if I wanted but that it wasn't really necessary. I explained that I sit A LOT when I'm working. 12 hour shifts + 2-3 hour commute. He didn't say I couldn't work or anything so I went ahead and worked that whole weekend. I did try to elevate my foot somewhat for a few minutes here and there. I'd also read online that it helps to get up and walk every hour and a half or so if you can when you have to sit for long periods. Even just a trip to the bathroom helps (and I make a lot of those anyway!) I was happy that I was going to live but I was starting to feel like an old lady with my swollen blue foot. Whether it was psychosomatic or had something to do with taking the low dose aspirin, I felt a little strange, arms and legs numb for a couple of days. Especially at night. I couldn't seem to get comfortable. And I couldn't shut my brain off. Thinking, worrying. On top of everything else my periods had stopped which don't get me wrong, I was happy about and wouldn't miss them but at the same time the prospect of going through menopause made me feel old. I felt like I was old and falling apart.<br />
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Ironically I had a fitness test booked through work that week. It had been booked months before all this foot business. My Mom thought I should cancel. She thought it would be crazy to do a grueling physical test (running etc) on a blood clotted foot. My foot might explode! (I was pretty sure that wasn't possible.) I didn't want to cancel. The doctor didn't tell me I couldn't do things. I figured if anything exercise is good for circulation and may actually help since it was an abundance of sitting and lack of exercise that caused the issue. Also I felt like it would be admitting defeat/failure and people would just think I had chickened out. At least if I failed the test I'd have a good excuse. So I went ahead and did it. The test was a province wide fitness test used by employers as an incentive to stay fit. If you passed (achieved a score of 70% or greater) you got an award pin and time off work. I just wanted to challenge myself and see if I could do it.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1rK_GsuIpmc/V57ueC3VuvI/AAAAAAAAK44/-vfeuTDXv4E1i3_kZMlwQeKw3NkQKqtKQCLcB/s1600/DSCN1930.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1rK_GsuIpmc/V57ueC3VuvI/AAAAAAAAK44/-vfeuTDXv4E1i3_kZMlwQeKw3NkQKqtKQCLcB/s320/DSCN1930.JPG" width="320" /></a>The day of the test I was a nervous wreck. I would have been anyway but now even more so going into it with a bad foot. I had to fill out questionnaires/waivers about my health before the test. "Here's where you sign your life away!" someone always jokes when you sign a waiver. It's not encouraging. I read over the questionnaire. Nothing really seemed applicable to my foot situation so I didn't mention it (plus I was worried they wouldn't let me take the test if they knew.) They took my blood pressure which was on the high side (usually my BP is on the low side of normal but I was pretty frazzled that day. I also worried if my foot could be throwing off the rest of my body. Even though the doctor's tree metaphor replayed in my head. Branch-trunk.) I figured it was just as well that my BP started out high because it was bound to be REALLY high when they took it again after the test for comparison.<br />
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There are 4 components to the test: push-ups, flexibility, core endurance and a shuttle run. To level the playing field, the requirements vary according to age and sex. So I only had to do the female version of push-ups and do as many reps/sets/last as long/stretch as far as an old girl like me required. The shuttle run scared me the most so I wanted to get that over with first. I am not a runner. As a kid I could run pretty fast (I won a few races, got the Canada Fitness Award of Excellence and Gold etc) but I had no endurance. Short distance runs were great but I couldn't do a marathon. Though I'd done aerobics/cardio off and on (Jillian Michaels etc) there was nothing quite like this. Basically I had to run 20 metres back and forth at increasing speeds (keeping up with recorded beeps which kept getting faster) for 7 minutes. I wasn't sure how I was going to survive it. Luckily I had a very kind colleague/cheerleader there for moral support. She'd already done the test and knew the pace so she ran with me and encouraged me "You can do it! Keep going! You got this!" She also slowed me down when I was going too fast (I didn't want to miss the beep but I might have burned myself out too soon.) Though it was a little disheartening seeing her barely break a sweat and have no trouble breathing (while I was drenched and panting like a dog) it was great having her there and she got me through it. "You did it!" I couldn't believe I'd made it through the full time and had a perfect 50/50 score. My face was red. I couldn't seem to catch my breath. But I'd done it!<br />
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For the next part of the test, doing yoga had given me a bit of an advantage. I got through the full 3 minutes of the core endurance test (basically lying with your bottom half on a bench and your torso hanging over the edge so you have to use your core to hold yourself up. I was hurting but I did it. My cheering squad started to sing and then even played me a song on an iPod to help me get through it. (Ruth B's "Lost Boy" which I couldn't resist trying to sing along with, even though I could barely breathe!) I lost one point on the flexibility test because I couldn't stretch any further (I can touch my toes but this little wooden torture device/measuring thing) requires you to stretch WAY beyond your toes. Then I had to do 33 push-ups which was basically 30 more than I had ever done! At least they were the female version of a push-up (with the male version I probably could have only done 1.) There was no time limit but going faster actually helps you to power through them. I couldn't believe I did it and was SO relieved when I was done. <br />
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So at the end I had achieved a total of 99/100! I was THRILLED! Though hurting, exhausted, red-faced and sweaty, I felt like a million bucks! I went from feeling like a decrepit old lady, menopausal with a clot in my foot to a strong, fit young woman again. They took my blood pressure which was high, but basically exactly what it was before the test. They gave me my pin and then I told them about my foot. They looked a little shocked. "The doctor didn't say I COULDN'T take a fitness test. He said it would work itself out. I figured exercise is probably a good thing for circulation anyway." I was so relieved, proud and happy that I couldn't stop smiling. The last time I felt that way was the day I got the ultrasound and found out I was having a girl. I was on top of the world! I smiled all the way to my Mom's house. Even in traffic. Nothing could bring me down!<br />
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My Mom and Michelle were both very proud of me. Michelle tried to steal my fitness pin. "No WAY! Do you know what Mama had to GO THROUGH to get this?!" My Mom thought I should wear the pin everywhere. I wanted to keep it somewhere safe. I got a photocopy of my scores as a souvenir though to keep in my purse at all times in case I ever start to feel old and feeble again, to remind myself I can be a fitness beast if I push myself! My Mom couldn't believe I got 99/100. I couldn't believe it myself. But it felt really good. I want to hold onto that feeling. I don't want to give up on myself and my health again. Come winter, I hope I can remind myself how hard I've worked and not to let it slip away. I have to stay motivated and KEEP MOVING. No matter what. It's not easy to be fit but it's a choice. A choice you keep making each day. Even when winter comes. Even when you're tired and feel like you don't have the energy to move. That's when you need to the most. <br />
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For me, fitness isn't just about the physical/superficial benefits (trying to look less frightening in a bikini!) -- It's about feeling stronger, healthier and happier inside. It's a vicious circle: in the winter when I feel down I don't exercise and gain weight and feel more down. When the warm weather comes and I feel motivated again, I exercise and lose weight and feel happier. I also want to be a good role model for Michelle. She tries to do yoga with me. She copies me when I'm working out. She talks about how strong I am, admires my muscles (she asks me to flex my bicep so she can squeeze it and then says "Wow!") What I don't want her to see is me obsessively checking the scale every day (or twice a day. Yes I'm OCD about the scale. I wish I could stop.) I want to send a message that it's important to exercise and be healthy but I don't want her to obsess about weight. As long as you're eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and getting a lot of exercise that's what's important. Michelle will likely never have to worry about weight because she's so active she can't sit still for a minute and she eats pretty healthy. I don't have a lot of junk food in the house and she doesn't really eat it anyway. Obesity is an epidemic in America. Apparently 2 out of 3 adults are overweight or obese and childhood obesity has tripled in the past few decades. Overall people are eating more junk food and exercising less. It's an easy trap to fall into. (Happens to me every winter.)<br />
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Before having Michelle I had dreamed about living "a bikini life" someday -- to win the lottery, move somewhere tropical and live by the beach. I had amassed so many bikinis that I could wear a different one just about every day. Then I had a baby and wondered if I'd ever have the nerve to wear a bikini again. I still have some tightening/toning up to do but I am pleased with the progress I've made working on my abs. And when I go to the beach I'm happy to find women of all shapes and sizes wearing bikinis -- rolls, stretch marks and all. At the end of the day the important thing is that you are happy in your own skin. It's what's inside that counts anyway. It's important to be healthy but we can drive ourselves crazy trying to be perfect. No one is perfect. Not even the models in the magazines (they have photographers, makeup artists, Photoshop wizards to make them look perfect. In real life maybe they wake up with a pimple or a wrinkle or they're a little bloated from eating broccoli.) <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y1DYjlZIjMQ/V6fKxl0sgNI/AAAAAAAAK7c/ZRS9Bie6TpUt0Gh_KvG36o0Q2pRo128ZQCLcB/s1600/DSCN0399.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y1DYjlZIjMQ/V6fKxl0sgNI/AAAAAAAAK7c/ZRS9Bie6TpUt0Gh_KvG36o0Q2pRo128ZQCLcB/s320/DSCN0399.JPG" width="320" /></a>Though I'm unfortunately unable to travel (or move) to the tropics, luckily I can pretend by going to my favourite beach right here in Ontario -- Port Dover Beach. The palm trees ARE BACK! (They plant them in late May and they remain until the Fall.) Michelle and I went several times. The beach is our happy place. I like to lie on the sand, watch Michelle playing, look at the water. Michelle likes building (and stomping on) sandcastles, chasing seagulls, being buried in the sand (being turned into a mermaid by Mama!) and sometimes playing in the water when it's not too seaweed-y. My princess simply refuses to walk through seaweed. </div>
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It's always been my dream to live on the beach. I'd love to live on an island. Somewhere where it's warm all year. The problem with that is that tropical climates tend to have more turbulent weather/natural disasters -- hurricanes etc. In Canada we are blessed (though in the winter I would probably call it cursed) with a wide variety of weather: hot summers, cool springs and falls, cold winters. Though I'm not a fan of Fall or Winter I can see how for some people (and probably for kids mostly) it would be fun and exciting to enjoy all kinds of weather. Michelle loves Halloween (I don't mind it either.) The changing leaves are pretty. She loves playing in the snow, making snowmen. But there is nothing quite as glorious as a summer day spent at the beach. When the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the waves are crashing on the sand, seagulls calling, palm trees swaying in the breeze and my little girl running and laughing. Pure bliss. And in the dead of winter when it's cold and dark and grey and I'm feeling blue, I will try to hold onto these memories...<br />
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I have a love-hate relationship with bikinis. I loved them before I was pregnant. After my tummy being stretched way beyond its limits I felt a little self-conscious. I still wear tankinis sometimes (especially if I know I'll be eating a lot because I tend to bloat!) I also avoid wearing bikinis around my mother (because she made a snarky comment about me once when I wore one. I don't know if my Mom ever had a filter but as she's gotten older she has even less of one. She just speaks her mind. Even if it's something insulting. Make that ESPECIALLY if it's something insulting! Anyway, as long as my Mom isn't there to critique my loose skin/stretch marks, I try to brave bikinis now and then, especially when I'm heading to my palm tree paradise. <br />
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Lately it seems like more women are wearing bikinis. Or maybe I just never paid attention before. And there is a wide range of body types sporting them. I remember seeing instructions on the internet: "How to get a bikini body: Put a bikini on your body!" And it was a good point. Why should you feel like you have to be a supermodel/athlete to wear a bikini? Of course you get the teens who are a size zero but even older and larger women, unconcerned about their rolls, strut around in a two-piece and I think "You go girl!" It's beautiful and inspiring. Months ago I was happy to see gorgeous Ashley Graham, making history as the first plus size model to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Some of the sexiest women I've seen were the ones with curves and so-called imperfections. Their confidence was sexy and it made me realize I shouldn't be quite so hard on myself because really, who cares?! We're human. I should wear my stretch marks with pride! The important thing is to be HAPPY and HEALTHY. Not what size you are. To be too thin can be as unhealthy as being too heavy. Somewhere in the middle is ideal.<br />
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Michelle's joy is infectious. Even when I'm not in the best mood she can usually pick me up. Life is a magical adventure to her. Don't get me wrong, she still has her moments/bad days where she can be a little cranky/overtired/moody but overall she's happy, excited, ready to take on the world. I wish I had even a fraction of her energy and enthusiasm for anything. At least it keeps me young trying to keep up with her. She challenges me to races. I still let her win but she gives me a good run for my money! Sometimes she almost wins FOR REAL, which considering her legs are half the size of mine, is quite a feat! She gets a lot of practice though. She rarely sits still she's running CONSTANTLY. At the beach, at the park, at home (back and forth in the hallway.) Unfortunately she winds up wiping out sometimes and gets a few scrapes and bruises her and there. I'm grateful at least her boo-boos are never too serious. Our only trip to the hospital was for me.<br />
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"You're going to the beach AGAIN?!" my Mom asked. I tried to go as often as possible. If it was a nice day and I didn't have to work, I packed our towels (and toys and sunscreen and cooler bags!) and went. If I lived by the beach we'd be there every day. I told Michelle if we win the lottery we'll go to Hawaii. "Can we go to Disney World?! And the pyramids in Egypt?!" Michelle asks. "Yes honey! If we win the lottery we'll travel all over the world!" Of course I have mentioned to her that the odds of winning the lottery are about 1 in 13.9 million but considering she can only count to 100 she doesn't really get that.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ff1TUHtWzRg/V6fJMoNr_jI/AAAAAAAAK6g/vgjfu2nO8SwGt94ACupeTd7m1fv2lG6nACLcB/s1600/DSCN0356.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ff1TUHtWzRg/V6fJMoNr_jI/AAAAAAAAK6g/vgjfu2nO8SwGt94ACupeTd7m1fv2lG6nACLcB/s320/DSCN0356.JPG" width="242" /></a>June was a hectic month. There was so much going on it's no wonder that it flew by in the blink of an eye. Even when we don't go anywhere, Michelle can have fun in her own backyard. We found a toad (or a frog? I think toads are brown and frogs are green so likely a toad but Michelle called it a frog) and Michelle named him Mr. Hoppity. She wanted to keep him but I said no we'd let him live in the yard and we could visit him when we're outside. We have seen him a few times since then (or maybe there are just a few of them living in the yard. They're still all "Mr. Hoppity" to Michelle.) As a kid I used to catch frogs & tadpoles and keep them as pets for a while. As an adult I'm less inclined to want random creatures in the house (I'm surprised my Mom wasn't worried about it). Plus I know it's better for them to live in their own natural habitat. Michelle has asked about having another pet. I told her maybe a kitten someday but our cat Ali is all we need for now. (And she weighs almost as much as Michelle!)<br />
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Michelle loves her cousins, Shannon and Reggie. It still blows my mind that they have the SAME BIRTHDAY, 10 years apart. I mean what are the odds on that?! 1 in 365 I guess! It's just weird. My sister was hoping Reggie would NOT be born on the same day as Shannon because May didn't want Shannon to have to share her birthday. Of course thoughts become things and if you devote energy (positive or negative) to thinking something, you'll draw it to you. (Yes, even knowing this I have drawn many negative things into my life by worrying about them.) Still, it's kind of cool that they have the same birthday and I don't think they really mind. They still have separate parties with their own friends and then have the big family get-together.<br />
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Michelle loves birthday parties. She loves dressing up, playing with balloons, spending time with family, the cake, the whole thing. So far she's only been to family parties. From what I've heard once your child starts school there is an onslaught of birthday parties. I'm sort of dreading it. I know Michelle is eager to play with other kids her age but just the thought of parties and play dates and meeting strangers makes me apprehensive. I'll do anything to make Michelle happy though so I know it's unavoidable. I'm not the social type but Michelle is so I'll have to put up with it for her sake.<br />
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When Shane's family is at a party as well it's a REALLY big gang with a house full of kids. It's pretty chaotic/noisy. Michelle loves it. It can be overwhelming and getting everyone to sit still for 10 seconds to get a group photo is close to impossible (still I always insist on it and don't take no for an answer!) Sometimes I get lucky and everyone's actually looking (and/or smiling!) People roll their eyes at me with my camera but someday they'll thank me for capturing all these moments (or not!)<br />
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Working a lot of extra hours in June and July, I felt guilty leaving Michelle more and made sure to spend quality time with her on my days off. I usually let her call the shots (within reason) as far as what she wanted to do: go to the beach etc. One day she wanted to wear her vampire dress from last Halloween... Sure, why not?! Yes she's already thinking about Halloween (she wants to be a werewolf this time) in the middle of summer. My girl is a goth, what can I say? She still proudly displays her vampire fangs. I warned her not to do that at school or she may scare some of the kids. (She's half vampire on her dad's side. I'm sort of kidding.) Not everyone would appreciate her passion for monsters/Halloween etc. Again, it is probably in her blood because I was a goth back in the day and her father was a horror movie fanatic. I have never let her watch anything too scary so what she considers monsters are the cute animated ones from films like Monsters INC or Hotel Transylvania or pretty ones like the ones in Monster High.<br />
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On a rainy day we decided to head to the Butterfly Conservatory. We've been a couple of times. It's one of my most favourite places. You basically feel like you're in a jungle (and you have to dress accordingly because you're going to sweat, no matter what time of year it is!) As photo ops go, you really can't beat it: Beautiful tropical plants, butterflies and Michelle. So basically Heaven. The problem is trying to capture butterflies and my girl in one shot. I even managed to do that! We were lucky and some actually landed on her. So I was snapping away like a fiend. This shot of Michelle with a couple of butterflies on her butterfly dress and a big smile on her face was almost like winning the lottery for me! This was the money shot I was aiming for. The only way it could have been better would have been if a Blue Morpho landed on her head (but they are the fastest, most elusive of the bunch so that probably won't ever happen!) Michelle is so used to me snapping photos now that she doesn't mind and actually enjoys posing for me.<br />
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Thanks to the self-timer I'm actually able to get in some shots too. Otherwise I'd always just be the one behind the camera. I remember looking at pictures when I was a kid and asking my Mom where she was. She was the one behind the camera. Back then people didn't take "selfies" and they didn't have self-timers so Mom (or Dad, or whoever the designated photographer was) was just S.O.L. and looked like they were absent at every occasion (unless they made a point of asking someone to grab a quick picture of them to prove they were there.) Years ago I remember being in Europe with my boyfriend (at the time) and wanting to get souvenir shots of us in front of every major landmark. "We may never be here again! We have to get pictures of us in front of (the Eiffel Tower, the Colosseum, etc.) He said he didn't want us "cluttering up the shots!" He wanted to get cool shots of landscapes, streetscapes etc. "Are you crazy?!" I said, "if you just take pictures of buildings, it's like a postcard ANYONE could have taken! You need to be IN the pictures to PROVE YOU WERE THERE!" This could be one of the many reasons we didn't work out. (Then again none of my relationships did obviously but I'm grateful for that. It was that rocky relationship road that led me to my true love, my girl.) Anyway, I'm glad I was able to twist his arm to get SOME souvenir shots of us. I haven't been back to Europe and I don't know if I ever will (unless of course that lottery win comes through.)<br />
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If I'm being honest, my obsession with capturing everything and having a photographic record of our lives is somewhat misleading. It's part of the Instagram/Twitter/selfie generation to capture every moment, the minutiae of our lives -- even what you had for dinner -- but the reality is that we don't actually capture and share EVERY moment. Overall we take pictures of and share the HAPPY moments. The smiles. The good times. I don't tend to take pictures of us when we're sick/crying/having a bad day. (Though a very brave soul, Greg Pembroke did write a book "Reasons my kid is crying" and had people submit their own photos. It was a gift from my sister. It's hilarious & I kind of wish I'd snapped some pics of Michelle's breakdowns but photos are usually the furthest thing from my mind when she's screaming.) I don't post the pictures where we're pulling a weird face or we blinked or something. If you take 10 shots and 9 of them are awful but one is OK, that's the one you post. We wind up representing our best selves online. Everyone is happy. Everything is sunshine and rainbows. Then again I usually do mention our less sunny moments in my blog posts and on Twitter. I just usually don't have an accompanying photo for the bad times. So it's a bit of a lie, all these shiny happy posts that we have on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram. It's like "Here is my happy life!" on a Monday when meanwhile you may be curled up in a fetal position sobbing on the floor on Tuesday (I'm just using that as an example...Not that that ever happened. Yes, of course it did. I am human.)<br />
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I don't remember a lot from my early childhood. My Mom tells me Michelle likely won't remember a lot of what I do for her -- the places I take her etc in these early years. I told Mom it doesn't matter. On some level she will know that I lavished her in attention and loved her and took her fun places. Plus I have the photographic evidence to prove it! So when she's a teenager and giving me a hard time I can show her -- look at all I did for you! Look how happy you were! But hopefully she won't give me too hard of a time as a teen. (Sure. She's already getting an attitude and she's only 4.)<br />
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We hadn't been to the zoo in a while and it wasn't too scorching hot of a day so we decided to go. I say we because I usually leave it up to Michelle what we do each day. I give her options -- within reason -- and let her decide. Or she comes up with ideas on her own. I remember as a kid I rarely, if ever, got to go where I wanted to go or do what I wanted to do, so I try to do the opposite for Michelle and grant her every wish, to the best of my ability. Of course the trip to Egypt to the see pyramids is a bit out of reach, for now. But at least we can visit lions and zebras and monkeys if we want to.<br />
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As Michelle gets older it becomes more fun to go on adventures with her. She's able to walk long distances on her own (so she doesn't need to be pushed in a stroller or carried.) She's better behaved. She gets so excited it's fun to watch. She was thrilled with getting to meet various animals at the creature show. I love capturing her expressions. (This photo was right after she met an albino ferret.) I was admittedly a little squeamish about her touching the creatures, especially since I'd forgotten to bring my hand sanitizer. (Yes I'm a bit of a germophobe but you have to be practical especially when kids are touching animals.) "Don't touch your face or your mouth!" I warned her after petting the creatures. "After the show we're going to go to the washroom and wash your hands." Who knows what kinds of bacteria are in their fur, on their scales etc? Heck I've heard there are frogs that sweat pure LSD (though I'm fairly certain the zoo wouldn't have kids pet hallucinogenic frogs from Peru. Still...) Michelle was touching turtles, snakes, lizards, hedgehogs and I don't know what all. And who knows where they've BEEN! (Rolling in their own feces etc)... I've seen dogs eat their own feces and then lick a kid's ice cream. Yeah. Not on MY watch!<br />
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Michelle was thrilled to feed the goats. When we went into the petting zoo section a kind stranger offered Michelle a bag of feed. (The woman had purchased the food for her own shy, somewhat squeamish daughter who it turned out had NO INTEREST in feeding goats and was having none of it.) So she offered the bag of feed to Michelle who was ecstatic to feed them. The thought of goat slobber in her palms made me a bit antsy but I figured I'd sanitize her hands in the car. Now I know what you're thinking but the chubby goat in this photo did not overeat! She's actually a Mama goat about to give birth (according to a staff member there). I thought Ms Prego Goat was a really good sport. I remember in my last trimester I had a pretty rough time. I didn't hear this goat complain once!<br />
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I can never resist a cheesy photo op. It's not even an option. So I set the timer and Michelle & I posed as monkeys in this cut out. Again, like many other things, this is easier now that Michelle can reach up on her own & I don't have to awkwardly try to hold her up to the hole (it was really tricky when she was a baby and sometimes resulted in me injuring myself.) If people give me weird looks I just explain "I'm a photoholic! Don't mind me" and they usually just chuckle. Either that or shake their heads and give me looks of pity, muttering "loser" under their breath. Hard to say.<br />
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Uncle Chris was kind enough to let us have the water slide that he'd purchased for a party at my Mom's (my sister's birthday in May). He wanted the kids to have a good time at the party and figured Michelle would enjoy it at our place. My Mom loaned me the air pump so I could blow it up (I certainly wouldn't want to blow it up by myself! I have a hard enough time with balloons!) Michelle loved it although she still refused to go through it properly -- to run and slide. She preferred to crawl through it like a tunnel. I became an expert after several runs and really gained momentum sliding through. It was quite refreshing on a hot day. I never remember this many hot days in previous summers. So many days over 30 and even up to 40 degrees Celsius.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rFDOiUlYeBI/V6feMKDksgI/AAAAAAAALLE/NMm8aAtALikAQ1TWTSfrj3Fa5lKzJs0tgCLcB/s1600/DSCN1307.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rFDOiUlYeBI/V6feMKDksgI/AAAAAAAALLE/NMm8aAtALikAQ1TWTSfrj3Fa5lKzJs0tgCLcB/s320/DSCN1307.JPG" width="240" /></a> It's nice that Michelle can appreciate the simple things like a water slide in the backyard because on my budget, trips to Great Wolf Lodge etc are out of the question. Maybe one day. For now, I'm happy with playing with sprinklers and water slides in the yard or going to the beach. Sunshine, running and splashing around in the water, what more do you need? The thing about the water slide is it seems to take twice (or three times) as long to dismantle it as it does to blow it up and fill it with water. It's still worth it though. I've thought about getting a blow up pool but I wouldn't want to have to flood the yard with water afterward. The water slide is bad enough. </div>
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Father's Day is kind of a strange day for me since having Michelle. Of course I have a dad and I was glad to spend some time with him (even though I had to work that day.) Because Michelle doesn't have a dad, we call it "Grampa Day" for her sake. A very kind co-worker friend (and fellow single Mom) left a card on my desk at work. When I opened it I started to tear up. It was a Father's Day card for me because as a single Mom I have to be both mother and father for Michelle. It was such a sweet gesture. Only a single Mom can truly understand how tough it is having to be everything to your child. Especially a single Mom in my situation -- where there is no father in the picture whatsoever -- with NO support financial or otherwise. It's all you. I try to explain to Michelle sometimes when I'm busy that I have to do EVERYTHING -- go out to work and make the money to pay the bills and buy the food and take care of her and do all the chores around the house. Couples usually (hopefully) share the chores. One gets to be the fun one and play while the other does the work at home. I have to be the working one and the fun one and everything. I often think if Michelle had siblings it would be more work in one way but less in another because she'd have someone to play with so she wouldn't expect me to play with her all the time. I'm grateful to have my Mom and Dad to watch Michelle when I work. My Mom admits she couldn't manage without my Dad's help. She appreciates how hard it must be for me all alone. Michelle loves her Grampa and has a ball playing with him. I'm glad she has some men in her life (she's crazy about her Uncle Chris too.) One day it would be nice if I met a really great guy and she could have a male friend of Mama's/father figure in her life. I'm very protective of her though and it would be tough for me to trust someone enough to let him into our lives.<br />
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Some days Michelle doesn't want to go anywhere. She just wants to chill at home or go to the park for a bit. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to be busy all the time and you just need to take a day to do nothing. "La dolce di fare niente!" as the Italians would so. Of course realistically I don't actually ever get to do NOTHING! There's always making meals, dishes and laundry to do at the very least. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have help. To be able to sit and put my feet up once in a while while someone else made dinner or did the dishes (or fixed the dishwasher! I still haven't gotten around to getting it fixed and it's been broken since last Christmas!) I used to date men who loved to cook. I really miss that because I don't enjoy cooking and it's a chore I'd gladly do without if that were an option! Someone else to put the garbage out and mow the lawn would be awesome too! My Mom said she has NEVER had to put the garbage out all these years. Must be nice. Somehow that was my dad's job. Though my Mom does the taxes and all the bookkeeping for the house. Somehow they divided up the roles of running a household/caring for a family. In my house of course, it's all me.<br />
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Michelle has a water/bubble table in Grandma's backyard that she plays with. One of my favourite things is sitting on the swing in my Mom's yard and watching Michelle play. Seeing her run around, dancing, jumping, chasing bubbles and laughing is Heaven. She'll often ask me to chase her around, race her or play hide and seek and I usually comply but sometimes I'm so bone tired, exhausted, I beg her to just let Mama rest for a bit. Ironically the days that I work are somewhat of a break for me because when I'm at my parents' before work (on nighshift) or after work (on dayshift) I can at least relax for a bit and not have to worry about doing chores because I'm not home. (Of course I have a mountain of laundry etc by the time I get back home.) Staying at my parents when I'm working is just easier as far as commuting and logistics. It requires a lot of packing and unpacking all the time though. It feels like I'm going on trips all the time but it's just heading to Grandma's while I'm working.<br />
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We make sure to have fun outings with Grandma as well on my days off. We went to Burlington Beach. The water was pretty cold but relatively calm at least. Michelle always loves the beach, no matter which one we head to. My favourite part is relaxing on the sand. It's my happy place and when I try to relax at home or fall asleep (though it seldom works!) I daydream about winning the lottery and living on a beach somewhere. Forever. For now, we just visit the beach every chance we get. I wish Summer would never end. (Unfortunately it's close to ending as I type this...)<br />
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Michelle is such a fickle girl. She has a lot of stuffies and keeps changing her mind which is her fave. For a while her white kitty was her most precious and she wanted to take her everywhere until Snowflake was no longer white. Lately though she seems to change her mind every week or even day to day and she'll pick a different stuffed animal to take with her on car rides, etc. A stuffed animal that she took almost no notice of can suddenly, magically grab her interest and become her new "baby" and go with her everywhere. I figure it's a comfort thing having something soft to hug. I've heard of kids having a favourite blanket that they take everywhere. It's kind of a relief that she keeps changing her mind so at least I don't have to worry about the one stuffed animal getting too tattered/getting lost etc. When she was a baby she had a stuffed pink monkey and I panicked if I forgot to pack it or it got lost.<br />
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I absolutely LOVE Michelle's artwork. It gives me life! It always makes me smile. Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud but I have to make sure I don't offend Michelle because she's very sensitive and can be a little hard on herself. Sometimes she'll say "This isn't any good!" and I'll tell her it's excellent, that she's an amazing artist for her age. Sometimes she'll ask me how to draw something so she can copy mine and hers turns out better than mine! She did a portrait of Grandma and Grampa, herself and me. I love that she even included Grampa's awkward old man black socks. Though I hope he's actually wearing pants. It's kind of hard to tell. I love that everyone smiles in her pictures. Even the sun.<br />
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These butterflies look slightly demonic. I can't say that I've ever seen a butterfly with a uni-brow. It's awesome. Her work is so distinctive. To me, it's pure genius (though I may be a little biased.) I keep nearly all of her artwork and storing it all is becoming a challenge. I can't imagine once she's in school and making crafts all the time. I won't be able to part with any of them. I remember a friend from work who was decidedly less sentimental and said she couldn't stand clutter and threw her kid's work out but she brought it to work to dispose of because she didn't want her girls to see it in the trash at home and be hurt. It seemed heartless to me! I couldn't imagine doing that. Everyone is different though. Not everyone is a sentimental fool like me.<br />
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Speaking of sentimental fools, I took Michelle to see Finding Dory. As a huge Finding Nemo fan I was really looking forward to it. I'd read that when Ellen Degeneres was offered the part of Dory many years ago she was just excited to have the work at a time when she was feeling vulnerable and not sure if people would want to work with her. She had no idea how huge the film would become. She suggested to them that they make a Finding Dory and all these years later they finally did. My expectations were high and they were met. It was a sweet, funny, wonderful sequel. Of course sentimental fool that I am, I cried. I thought at least the 3D glasses would hide my tears and I tried to be subtle as I dabbed my eyes but Michelle ratted me out! Asking right out loud "MAMA! Are you sniffling?! Are you CRYING?!" "Shhhh! Yes!" Without ruining the ending for you (in case you're still planning to see it) suffice it to say that it is VERY TOUCHING. All that Dory goes through to find her parents and then you don't even know if they'll still be alive when she gets there...I also relate to Dory on a personal level because my short term memory is shot. If I don't write things down I can't remember what I did yesterday. Or 5 minutes ago. I'm sort of kidding. Not.<br />
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When I ask Michelle "What do you want to do today?" and she says "Go to the beach!" I'm game. It's our happy place. I LOVE this photo. Michelle is laughing and a seagull is flying by at just the right moment.<br />
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I never get tired of heading to Port Dover. I'm addicted to the palm trees. Each time we go it's a slightly different adventure. Sometimes we mostly play in the sand and she doesn't even want to go in the water. Other times she wants to be in the water for ages. Sometimes we walk around the little shops, other times we just chill on the beach. Sometimes we walk down the length of the beach (or in her case, run to chase the seagulls.) It feels like our second home now we've been so often.<br />
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Some people go away on vacation once or twice a year. We never get to go but at least our day trips to Dover feel like an exotic get away when we sit under the palms...<br />
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Michelle loves to dress up. Of all her role playing games and outfits, Princess still seems to be the clear winner. She has a number of Disney Princess outfits -- Rapunzel, Cinderella, Belle, Ariel -- as well as fancy shoes, tiaras and crowns etc. I have to admit I encourage the habit by watching Disney movies with her and getting her the outfits. This was exactly the kind of thing I had imagined when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. I wanted a girlie girl. I certainly got my wish! Of course if I had a boy I would have loved him too but then I'd have to pretend to be interested in sports and have to settle for bland, boring clothes and get him cars and dinosaurs (although Michelle has some cars and dinosaurs as well, they're outnumbered by pretty dolls and cute stuffed animals.) Michelle loves pretty dresses, wearing makeup, doing her nails, having tea parties, dancing ballet. She is my dream come true, the girl I imagined when I had that final ultrasound and heard the news I'd been hoping for: "It's a GIRL!" <br />
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Though it's something I often take for granted, I am very grateful to live in Canada. It's a beautiful and relatively safe country. I'm grateful for our diverse landscapes, our people, free health care, iced cappuccinos from Tim Hortons, so many things that make it one of the best countries in the world to live in.<br />
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Though I had to work on Canada Day Michelle and I still had a little time together before I had to go in for nightshift and I made sure we dressed in red and got a couple of pictures. I even found a little red dress with maple leaves on it for Michelle. She picked a maple leaf at Grandma's house as well. She actually recognized it as a maple leaf like the one on the flag. All the way to Grandma's she was pointing out Canada flags and maple trees. It's amazing how many places you see our flag -- on businesses, homes, even on people's cars. Though we may be a little more laid back/less aggressive about it than our American neighbours, we are still patriotic, eh?<br />
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My Mom has told me a number of times what a blessing Michelle has been in her life and my dad's life. Taking care of Michelle when I work has given them a new purpose later in life, something to look forward to and keeps them young (because you need energy to keep up with my girl!) I'm extremely grateful to my parents for watching her. I wouldn't trust anyone else with her. I know how much they love her. I also like that I get to see my parents regularly. We've always been a close knit family and of all of my siblings I've probably felt closest to them. I was the last to leave home.<br />
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I'm also glad that I get to see my sister May so often. She's my best friend in the world. Michelle looks forward to us all going on outings together. We went to Bronte Pool on a really hot day. I got Michelle a life jacket to help her float. I really want her to learn to swim. I've never been a strong swimmer and I'm still nervous of deep water (I can't be in over my head literally or figuratively or it freaks me out! I have to be able to touch bottom.) My sister had swimming lessons in school when she was younger so she's a good swimmer. My Mom is a nervous swimmer too (and also doesn't like getting her face wet/smearing her makeup!) My dad can't swim at all and is afraid of the water (which is understandable since he drowned when he was 12 years old.)<br />
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There's a park near the woods and sometimes we go hiking (though my Mom warns me I should avoid the forest because there could be ticks, mosquitos etc.) On a really hot day it's nice to talk a walk in the shade of the trees. We went exploring and found a fort that kids had built with branches. Michelle loves being outdoors. Running, climbing, exploring, looking at flowers, finding caterpillars and lady bugs.<br />
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I LOVE this photo of Michelle, her impish grin as she sits on a log. She dressed herself entirely that day, grabbing clothes out of the drawer. I tried to explain that the lace pants didn't really go with the colourful print shirt and that usually you'd pair a print with a solid rather than mix two clashing prints but she was proud of herself and I figured her sense of independence was far more important than her fashion sense. I have to pick my battles. So if you ever see pictures of Michelle dressed a little wonky, just assume she probably dressed herself. (She dresses herself most days but I usually put the outfits out for her so she doesn't have to choose.)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N3YhbkxHTIk/V7wETT-IsWI/AAAAAAAALYg/8fHgAhHEzscI8zJPgV-IVvT4TL_k5tGUACLcB/s1600/DSCN2034.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N3YhbkxHTIk/V7wETT-IsWI/AAAAAAAALYg/8fHgAhHEzscI8zJPgV-IVvT4TL_k5tGUACLcB/s320/DSCN2034.JPG" width="240" /></a>We'd seen the trailer for "The Secret Life of Pets" several times and it looked AWESOME. We were very excited to go see it. We were NOT disappointed! It was very funny and sweet and surprisingly action packed and we both adored it. I've always loved animated films and now being able to share them with Michelle is amazing. They usually have plenty of visual interest, cute and silly parts to keep kids entertained and enough adult humour to keep parents chuckling as well. Kevin Hart was HYSTERICAL as psycho bunny Snowball! I loved all the characters. Of course, sap that I am, I still managed to find touching moments that made me cry. Thank God for 3D glasses. This time I even managed to hide my tears from Michelle.<br />
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After seeing the movie I made it my mission to collect ALL the Secret Life of Pets characters from the McDonalds happy meals. Which either makes me the best Mom ever, or the worst. Yes I take her to McDonalds! She gets the chicken nugget Happy Meal and I get a cheeseburger Happy Meal. When I was a kid my Mom refused to take us to McD's and I felt deprived. I'm not doing that to my kid. I was so dedicated to collecting the toys that I even picked up a Happy Meal on my lunch break from work on nightshift. I can't tell you how foolish I felt, a grown woman at 2 a.m. asking them at the Drive Thru "Ummm. What Secret Life of Pets toys do you have? It's for my daughter...Seriously." And I heard the girl in the drive thru chuckle and I thought "Don't judge me!" The worst part was carrying the Happy Meal box back into work and having people stare. Then I literally said "DON'T JUDGE ME! I got Tiberius and Chloe! So psyched to show Michelle!" and they smiled and likely muttered "loser" under their breath. But I gotta be me...</div>
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One time at the beach Michelle wanted me to bury her legs so I thought I'd be creative and turn her legs into a mermaid tail. I didn't realize that that would become a ritual and she'd want me to do it EVERY SINGLE TIME. The problem is she gets sand inside her bathing suit and it's EVERYWHERE when we get home. She leaves little piles of sand in front of the toilet when she goes potty. Our car is FULL of sand. I never get around to cleaning the car. I should vacuum it out sometime but I can't be bothered. And honestly having a little sand in the car (and my purse, and everywhere) reminds me of the beach so it's not such a bad thing. I have a lei hanging from my rear view mirror, a collection of "Beach Parking Lot" tickets and a hula girl on my dashboard as well so I always have a little of the beach with me. Though in the dead of winter when I'm scraping the car windows sometimes these things make me cry (and then my tears turn to ice.) Have I mentioned I HATE winter?<br />
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And then one day at the beach we MET A REAL MERMAID! Ok well not really but I thought that tail was the CUTEST THING EVER! I asked her where she got her tail (in retrospect probably a really awkward thing to ask a young girl!) and I can't remember the name of the website but it probably costs a million dollars anyway (well, more like $100...) The coolest part was she could ACTUALLY SWIM WITH IT! I asked if she'd mind being in a picture and she said no because honestly how could I NOT take Michelle's picture with a real live mermaid?!<br />
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I've become a master at locating spots to sit the camera for a self-timer shot. Sometimes a friendly stranger will offer to snap a picture for us and I've taken lots of pictures for strangers as well when I see them struggling to get a selfie in front of the palm trees. Hand held selfies just never quite work for me. Even though I have a camera phone now I don't use it very often. It's too close up. You can get a selfie stick but I prefer to just sit the camera somewhere, set the timer and run! 10-9-8... People usually look at me like I have 2 heads but I'm old school. They can hold their cellphone in front of their faces for a too-close selfie but I'll stick with my old Nikon perched on a bench and run for the countdown.<br />
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One of the best things about the beach is that it helps you sleep a little better. Something about being in the sun all day just makes you feel peaceful and exhausted. On non-beach days though, sometimes it's a struggle to fall asleep at all.<br />
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In varying degrees insomnia has been an issue for me my whole life. It's like my brain won't shut off. Thinking, worrying, making to do lists, reliving the past, wondering about the future. I wrote a song once called "Think Too Much." Some people have a drinking problem. I have a <em>thinking</em> problem. Being pregnant (and alone) and raising a child on my own made it that much worse. Breastfeeding. A screaming newborn. A night owl toddler. Co-sleeping with a restless girl that flips and flops and inadvertently clocks you a few times a night. I got used to never getting more than a couple of hours sleep. If that. It's even worse if there's something specific to worry about -- health, money issues etc.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5cX7p-cOaEs/V75qyT9Rg2I/AAAAAAAALa0/RRLWwcEoPzEGdoXvORbcVBAVeNpZJJdzQCLcB/s1600/DSCN2179.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5cX7p-cOaEs/V75qyT9Rg2I/AAAAAAAALa0/RRLWwcEoPzEGdoXvORbcVBAVeNpZJJdzQCLcB/s320/DSCN2179.JPG" width="240" /></a>Then in July I got involved in a fender bender. It was so stupid and random. I still can't understand how it happened. I was backing out, the other driver was backing in. Thankfully no one was hurt and the damage was minor (little if any damage to my rear bumper, just a scratch you wouldn't even notice. A dent to the other's driver's front bumper though unfortunately they had to replace the whole bumper.) I called my insurance company in tears. The girl tried to comfort me. "Don't worry. They're called 'accidents' not 'on purposes.'" I wasn't even making a claim for my vehicle but the other driver was and I was concerned it may affect my rates. I couldn't seem to get a straight answer about whether it would. Something about it was up to the "underwriters" and I wouldn't know until next year when my policy is renewed. She said the good news was there was going to be a rate decrease next year anyway and hopefully that would offset any possible increase as a result of my minor mishap. <br />
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So, it wasn't so bad. It could have been much worse. I should have been able to get over it. For whatever reason though, the incident haunted me. I lay awake at night and couldn't sleep. It was insane. I mean, someone involved in a 20 car pile-up probably wouldn't be this upset. It's like I had PTSD over such a minor occurrence. It just drove me nuts. I kept thinking it just shouldn't have happened. I kept thinking if I'd only left the house one minute earlier (or one minute later.) I couldn't understand it. I drive ALL THE TIME. I drive all over hell's half acre and don't have accidents. I commute for 2-3 hours when I work. I've made road trips to Algonquin, New York, Daytona Beach, Florida and nothing. Then I get into a stupid accident so close to home. Of course they say most accidents happen at home but I figured they meant slipping in the bathtub or falling off a ladder.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u5vmD_vyglQ/V75quqmC9eI/AAAAAAAALas/uBt-1Yy8BfQJwgEbgWGA8yFFCti2f4g4ACLcB/s1600/DSCN2178.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u5vmD_vyglQ/V75quqmC9eI/AAAAAAAALas/uBt-1Yy8BfQJwgEbgWGA8yFFCti2f4g4ACLcB/s320/DSCN2178.JPG" width="320" /></a>I wasn't sure why it bothered me so much until I realized that I expect life to be perfect and when it isn't (which is pretty much all the time!) I can't deal with it. In school, a desire for perfection was a good thing. I got straight As and won awards (though I often nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown doing it.) In life, there are no As and gold stars. There's no reward for doing things right, though there's usually a punishment for messing things up. And it's bound to happen. We're all flawed humans after all. And when you're sleep deprived and not all there, it's even worse. Not to mention there is so much that you can't control: the weather, other people, etc. Random things can go wrong at any time and there's nothing you can do but deal with it. You can't control it. All you can control is your reaction and apparently I can't even do that. I lack resilience. I am the opposite of resilient, whatever that is... Brittle, maybe? Some people are so laid back, they just go with the flow. When bad things happen they shrug their shoulders and say "Oh well." I wish I was like that. I wish I was the "happy go lucky" "lack-a-daisical type." But I'm not. I'm a neurotic mess. I torture myself with over-thinking, analyzing and worrying and replaying things in my mind and wishing they were different. I've had people tell me that I'm "strong" and "brave" to have survived the things I've been through -- being abandoned while pregnant and raising Michelle on my own. But I don't feel strong or brave. It's just that I had no choice but to deal with the hand I was dealt. I love Michelle more than my own life so I've had to keep going for her sake. Sometimes though, I'm overwhelmed. And somehow this stupid accident was like the last straw after a lot of straws and stress and days of running on empty. I don't get enough sleep. I work at a stressful job with long hours (14-15 hrs with the commute.) It's like I'm hanging by a thread half the time and as long as nothing goes too wrong I can manage but it doesn't take much for the thread to break. <br />
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Negativity is a tough habit to break. It comes as naturally as breathing. The positive always takes more effort. Once the negative gains a hold of me, it's insidious. It feeds on itself. It magnifies and multiplies and becomes a soul-swallowing black cloud of fear, doubt, despair, you name it. Once I'm upset about something, my mind starts replaying the greatest hits of all the other things I have to worry/be upset about. It's like my brain is throwing a pity party and all my demons are invited. I beat myself up. The latent anxiety and depression that I've fought with on and off since my teens comes bubbling to the surface. Everything seems bleak, unbearable. I'll try to be reasonable. It could be worse. I should be grateful. I'll try to think about how there are people in the world going through so much worse. But even that doesn't help because I feel sad for all the people suffering in the world and I start to think the world is so f*&ed up it's like this is the Apocalypse and why even bother? When I lie awake at night and the negativity takes over, I'm SCREWED. I can't seem to relax or calm myself down and then I can't sleep a wink and I feel even worse.<br />
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Insomnia is the worst when I have to work because I get up at 4 a.m. for dayshift and sometimes I'm on no sleep at all. Then have to drive for an hour, work 12 hours and drive another hour back home. There are days I'm so completely drained physically and emotionally I don't know how I survive. Sometimes I lay there for hours staring at the clock. Other times I get up and cry. Or I read or watch TV. One night I got interested in a French movie that didn't even have subtitles. I was pretty lost but trying to figure out what was going on even though I only understood a few words here and there. From what I gathered the guy was depressed and felt cut off from the rest of the world and then commits suicide by overdosing. Yeah, not exactly a cheerful, feel good film to soothe you to sleep. <br />
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Insomnia wasn't always so bad. When I was on my own it used to be a more constructive time -- I'd get up and play guitar, write a song or paint, do something creative during the wee hours. Now if I'm home I sometimes go on Twitter but usually just lay there and suffer, looking at the clock thinking "Ok if I fall asleep now I'll get 2 hours sleep...Now I'll get 1 hour..." It doesn't help that Michelle wakes me up in the middle of the night either by accidentally punching or kicking me (she's a restless sleeper and though I've tried to get her into her own room but it didn't take so I'm still co-sleeping with her) or asking for a drink, telling me she needs to go potty (even though she goes on her own now. It still wakes me up.) And once awakened, I have a hard time getting back to sleep.<br />
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One sleepless night I just started to cry and couldn't stop. I wondered if I was having a nervous breakdown. How do you know? How can you tell the difference between just being sad or having a really bad day and completely losing your mind? Then I went to the bathroom and realized it was hormonal: My monthly visitor, which I mistakenly thought may be gone for good had apparently just taken a brief holiday. The b&*%$ was back, with a vengeance. So it was PMS rearing its ugly head. And aside from the flood of emotions, the blood flow was back and making up for lost time. The Red Sea. Borderline hemorrhaging. Good times. So I wasn't in menopause after all. Lucky me.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ESUzIHJmT8E/V75qy9ocz9I/AAAAAAAALa4/UtjzSliGsjAwFz6Hf5JLZc6HkqD2nBRJACLcB/s1600/DSCN2182.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ESUzIHJmT8E/V75qy9ocz9I/AAAAAAAALa4/UtjzSliGsjAwFz6Hf5JLZc6HkqD2nBRJACLcB/s320/DSCN2182.JPG" width="244" /></a>Thankfully I did eventually get over the accident (and on-again off-again menopause and everything else...) Luckily there are more good days than bad and overall I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. Of course most of that is thanks to Michelle.<br />
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Michelle is my inspiration and my teacher. She doesn't worry about things. Now, it helps that she's a kid and doesn't have responsibilities/worries, and that life is just play to her. She sees life as a fun adventure. I envy her energy, enthusiasm and excitement. And when I see how happy she is, how confident and strong and bright it makes me feel a little better because even if I feel like a mess, I did something right. She's OK. I've helped her to feel safe and loved even when I felt scared and alone and falling apart. Her happiness is more important to me than anything and if she's happy, I'm happy.<br />
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One of our fave summer rituals has been having ice cream cones on the garden swing in Grandma's backyard. Whenever we're over for a visit we go out after dinner and have dessert on the swing. The days are so hot but in the early evening when the shade falls over the swing it's just warm and comforting and ice cream is a wonderful treat. Although I'm counting calories, there's always room for ice cream. (100 calories for the ice cream and only 15 calories in the cone!) Michelle's getting better at eating her ice cream before it melts and drips all over the place. Kids and ice cream can be a bit of a disaster.<br />
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I'm so proud of my little artist that I wanted to frame some of her work and hang it up. I chose a couple of her mermaids and tropical birds (a flamingo and a parrot) to hang in our (well, it's supposed to be MY) room. They fit in perfectly with the room's tropical theme. Michelle was so excited and proud to have her artwork hanging with mine. I called it our own gallery. She couldn't wait to show people. I told her she'd get to show the family when they came over for her 4th birthday party. (I can't believe my little girl is 4 and going to school soon but I'll save that for the next blog post! This one is too long as it is!)<br />
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Michelle's pictures are whimsical and expressive and really advanced for a (just turned) 4 year old girl!<br />
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Michelle's art next to mine. Palm trees, the ocean, mermaids and tropical birds. We may not live in Hawaii, but we can certainly pretend. And we always have an ocean view... Michelle calls it "our room." For now she is co-sleeping with me. I keep hoping I'll get her into her own room. Maybe I'll paint the room pink and purple like she wanted to get her enthused about her own room. I'll have to take on projects to keep busy while she's in school. Starting next week... <br />
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"Say cheese!" She knows the drill. Michelle actually likes posing for pictures now. There was a time when she would just get annoyed and wouldn't cooperate but she's over it. Now she'll model, strike poses, smile, whatever. She's told me she'd like to be an actress but I'm a little wary of trying to put her in show biz. I know it's not an easy career to get into. I wouldn't rule it out but I'm reluctant to pursue it either. She'll have enough going on getting used to going to school soon anyway.<br />
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One day driving back from the beach I had the window down and my favourite songs kept coming on the radio. I was singing along and Michelle started singing along too. I smiled at her in the rearview. For a minute it wasn't like she was my little girl but like she was my girlfriend and we were just on a road trip, bonding, singing our favourite songs together at the top of our lungs. Off having adventures. Like Thelma and Louise (but without the sex and shooting and suicide...)<br />
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"You're my best friend Mama!" she told me.<br />
"You're mine too sweetheart."<br />
"I love you."<br />
"I love you too. More than I can possibly tell you."<br />
"I love you most and best for always and forever!"<br />
"I love you most and best, so much, too much, for always and forever, more than anyone or anything in the whole world. To infinity and beyond."<br />
Yeah, we're saps.<br />
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<img border="0" height="150" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SHkKwkEsGmU/V75wJ2GZ-iI/AAAAAAAALfY/Du9uLKuWARQKi4YnHDrvgAJyTK4HHzWowCLcB/s200/DSCN2394.JPG" width="200" /><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sL5Zj-kgAMI/V75xYEL30fI/AAAAAAAALgs/rNjBnwgyet410RvcQKtwM6Y7Fwm5Fh0zwCLcB/s1600/DSCN2443.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sL5Zj-kgAMI/V75xYEL30fI/AAAAAAAALgs/rNjBnwgyet410RvcQKtwM6Y7Fwm5Fh0zwCLcB/s320/DSCN2443.JPG" width="320" /></a>Every year the whole family gets together at Wasaga Beach to celebrate Evie's birthday, Michelle's birthday, as well as celebrating summer and having an excuse to go to Wasaga Beach! It's always a blast having everyone together and Michelle loves it too. She had a ball playing in the water with me, riding on a raft with her cousins, playing in the sand with Reggie, playing catch with Uncle Mikey. This year we even had a BBQ right by the beach. Of course I always have to get the group photo and it was a REAL CHALLENGE getting the whole group together!<br />
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I'm used to slathering Michelle in sunscreen but when we're going to be at the beach ALL DAY, I'm careful to reapply it as well. I can't tell you how tricky it is to get greasy, sticky sunscreen on a kid who's covered in sand (it's no picnic, let me tell you!) I made sure Michelle was wearing a hat as well (I managed to find a matching hat and swimsuit her size!) because my Mom is ALWAYS pestering me about how Michelle should be wearing a hat (this coming from a woman who let me get so badly burned as a child I turned purple and got blisters...) Yeah, Mom, I think I've got this. Michelle will NEVER get a sunburn on my watch. EVER.<br />
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What is it with girls and unicorns? I loved unicorns as a little girl. Most girls do it seems. I guess because they're mystical, magical creatures so beautiful that you wished they actually existed. Like love... (I'm sort of kidding. I'm not <em>quite </em>that cynical yet. I do think romantic love is possible and I may actually date again someday...) Michelle wanted to know how to draw a unicorn but then figured it out without me even showing her. Yeah it's pretty much just a white horse with a horn. Nailed it. I can't get enough of Michelle's artwork. She's only 4 and I could already fill a trunk with her drawings. I have them in a few different boxes which is a step up from when they were just accumulating in massive piles on top of the shelving unit in her room. I try to remember to label them on the back but usually I can tell what age she did them just by looking at them. Her style continues to evolve. <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HKqBPaZ_4eQ/V75zTE1eLyI/AAAAAAAALiM/WjJGO0axwDQAnH3Df7WD-YVwfmzDLwBjgCLcB/s1600/DSCN2550.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="206" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HKqBPaZ_4eQ/V75zTE1eLyI/AAAAAAAALiM/WjJGO0axwDQAnH3Df7WD-YVwfmzDLwBjgCLcB/s320/DSCN2550.JPG" width="320" /></a>I love my girls. I try to get a photo of us as a "family" every week, if not every day. Ali usually joins us when we sit on the stairs. Or sometimes we have to call her over, or "Meow" at her so she'll join us. Not that Ali looks at the camera anyway, but hey, you can't tell a cat what to do! She has to want to. It always makes Michelle smile/laugh when Ali comes over at our "Meow-ing" so at least I get Michelle smiling if nothing else. <br />
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It's been quite a summer. Thankfully there have been more good days than bad. It's gone by so fast. I'm grateful for all the happy days at the beach with my girl. It makes up for the bad days.<br />
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I read a quote by Gretchen Rubin recently: "The days are long but the years are short." It's so true. There are days that are so exhausting and stressful you don't know how you'll get through. You look at the clock and an hour (when you're in pain or have insomnia or are just in the throes of a bad day) seems to last forever. But those bad days don't stick out in your mind. Overall when you look back at your life, you see the happy times and somehow they seem to speed by in the blink of an eye. I can't believe Michelle is 4 already and starting school next week (I'll save that for the next blog). She's excited. I'm heartbroken. It's hard to let go. The last 5 years have been very short. My baby is growing up. She's a little girl and soon will be going out into the world, without me. It goes too fast. I'll keep taking a million pictures to slow it down. <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E2IIufZSAgs/V7vMT7io7QI/AAAAAAAALPE/j4qxAtbHAEMS8zpo_8rVolY9BdtqK6GsACPcB/s1600/DSCN1397.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E2IIufZSAgs/V7vMT7io7QI/AAAAAAAALPE/j4qxAtbHAEMS8zpo_8rVolY9BdtqK6GsACPcB/s320/DSCN1397.JPG" width="260" /></a>Michelle picked out this outfit herself. I told her it might be overkill on the printed shirt and pants (I try to stick to the "pair a print with a solid" rule) but she loved it. It was like an explosion of summer -- flowers and flamingoes, all pink and purple. Michelle wants to do things herself. She may not do them perfectly or the way I would do them but she's learning to accomplish things and make decisions on her own. That's a milestone. School will be another milestone and she's eager for it. I wish I could say the same but I'm dreading it. I'm glad that she wants to go to school because if she was scared and didn't want to go it would be even harder for me. <br />
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As much as I've tried to teach Michelle, she has just as much to teach me. I'm proud of my independent girl. I admire her confidence, her energy and enthusiasm. I wish I had her sunny view of life, all the time, even when the sun isn't shining. She doesn't worry about things, doesn't doubt herself. She loves who she is, a strong girl, inside and out and she knows the world is her oyster. I wish I was more like her... Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-74914349770064658772016-07-12T00:03:00.002-04:002016-07-12T00:03:35.760-04:00Come What May...We're halfway through July already and I'm just now finishing a post about May...It's always a challenge to find time to write but it's a labour of love and I want to keep it going. So here goes!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ou8lQrHFoQg/V29KaWtirgI/AAAAAAAAKfE/3phSMij1vm4YRbX1sC-BpolCjgrJf36AwCKgB/s1600/DSCN9688.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ou8lQrHFoQg/V29KaWtirgI/AAAAAAAAKfE/3phSMij1vm4YRbX1sC-BpolCjgrJf36AwCKgB/s320/DSCN9688.JPG" width="240" /></a>May is always a special month in our family for a number of reasons -- celebrating birthdays (my sister's and mine), as well as Mother's Day, and the change in weather. As they say, April showers bring May flowers! April was kind of hit and miss with a few unfortunate traces of winter (SNOW! Ugh!) but once we reached May we were certain Spring was here to stay. Some days it was almost like we had skipped straight to Summer with temperatures over 30 degrees Celsius! We took advantage of it and got outside as often as we could. After being cooped up all winter we were happy (as a Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferer, I was THRILLED) to get outside in the sunshine and fresh air. It's amazing what a difference it makes getting a little bit of sun. Like flowers, we really need it for our health and well-being. Vitamin D supplements just aren't the same! Too many cold, grey winter days were getting me down. Michelle was looking forward to getting outside to play as well.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MjQ1rJ2wNUk/V0kUDHtQAYI/AAAAAAAAKL8/wdqGRGlpznY078-PNrN-Mk1ops2aHgxDACLcB/s1600/DSCN9363.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MjQ1rJ2wNUk/V0kUDHtQAYI/AAAAAAAAKL8/wdqGRGlpznY078-PNrN-Mk1ops2aHgxDACLcB/s320/DSCN9363.JPG" width="320" /></a>I had told Michelle that once May came we could plant some flowers outside. April was too early. It would be warm one day and snowing the next. By early May I figured we were safe. I couldn't afford too much but we made a trip to Walmart to get something cheap and cheerful for the garden. Michelle wanted to help me. She always wants to help with everything and I usually let her (even though sometimes she's more of a hindrance than a help and things take much longer when she tries to do them.) I didn't have garden gloves in her size so I put winter gloves on her to dig in the dirt. She loved helping me dig, plant and water the plants.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vynoa_oLmjs/V0kT-hQAclI/AAAAAAAAKLw/blsMnvCEwAYafSAQiCtvj9ceUfsMXPUUwCLcB/s1600/DSCN9365.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vynoa_oLmjs/V0kT-hQAclI/AAAAAAAAKLw/blsMnvCEwAYafSAQiCtvj9ceUfsMXPUUwCLcB/s200/DSCN9365.JPG" width="173" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I_XBkOs5jvY/V0kUCVZNbiI/AAAAAAAAKL4/3V5ZduTZwM4fUOWyUfmHfAJFhSaxclAsgCLcB/s1600/DSCN9364.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="154" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I_XBkOs5jvY/V0kUCVZNbiI/AAAAAAAAKL4/3V5ZduTZwM4fUOWyUfmHfAJFhSaxclAsgCLcB/s200/DSCN9364.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CgOQsUwXPIc/V0kUBIsgeAI/AAAAAAAAKL0/if58CmLqj8MFCPeFQbh8k4bWWjwvS9VawCLcB/s1600/DSCN9369.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CgOQsUwXPIc/V0kUBIsgeAI/AAAAAAAAKL0/if58CmLqj8MFCPeFQbh8k4bWWjwvS9VawCLcB/s320/DSCN9369.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle loves to draw and is getting better and better at writing on her own. She can write Michelle and Mama all by herself. I taught her a little song to remember how to spell her own name: To the tune of Mickey Mouse -- "M-I-C-H-E-L-L and E, Michelle!" It worked because from then on she could write her name on her own. She sounds out other words & knows the starting letter of most words.<br />
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Whenever a special occasion is coming up I ask her if she'd like to make a card for it and she's always happy to. She made me a Mother's Day card with a cute smiling flower & she wanted to write "I love you Mama. You are the sweetest!" So I showed her how to spell the words & she copied it. Michelle is so affectionate and loving. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and that I'm the "best-est, cutest, sweetiest, funniest Mama EVER!" When she's so sweet it makes it easier to forgive her for the times she's not so sweet -- like when she's being a moody monster! That still happens occasionally too. She's a strong-willed girl and she is NOT pleased when she doesn't get her way. Of course, she usually gets her way...<br />
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I love Michelle's artwork. In her happy whimsical world everyone and everything (even the sun and flowers) are always smiling. I'm glad that she's interested in art because it has always been a love of mine and it's something we can share (though admittedly I don't do a lot of drawing/painting myself anymore. I would like to start again.) Sometimes she'll ask me how to draw something so I'll sketch it quickly and she'll copy my drawing. Her drawing is usually better than mine. More raw, more fresh and expressive.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d2zU2ZO87PY/V0kU0pCDlrI/AAAAAAAAKMU/B0xSxAsEEU46ExIFuNJq7DEKs6-7Uw3QgCLcB/s1600/DSCN9375.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d2zU2ZO87PY/V0kU0pCDlrI/AAAAAAAAKMU/B0xSxAsEEU46ExIFuNJq7DEKs6-7Uw3QgCLcB/s200/DSCN9375.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JM5t1jDLQaY/V0kUyqD4wtI/AAAAAAAAKMQ/YvRD8Zf1NgQBq2bSd2zbDv400JRpr_JSQCLcB/s1600/DSCN9374.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JM5t1jDLQaY/V0kUyqD4wtI/AAAAAAAAKMQ/YvRD8Zf1NgQBq2bSd2zbDv400JRpr_JSQCLcB/s200/DSCN9374.JPG" width="155" /></a><br />
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On sunny days we were always at the park. Michelle loves running around, playing with other kids, going on the slide and swings. She even started swinging by herself -- pumping her legs to keep herself going (which was a relief for my arms and back not having to push her constantly!) For a while she resisted and insisted that I push her but suddenly she decided she wanted to be a big girl and do it herself. She still likes having an initial push but she knows the pattern -- legs straight forward, bend back -- to build momentum. Michelle is at a stage where she is wanting to be more independent and do things herself -- including dressing, turning on lights, etc. She gets VERY frustrated when there are things that she can't quite do perfectly yet. I have to remind her that she is only 3 years old. She's very advanced for her age but she can't do everything. I told her that some things are tricky (even for me!) and that other things just take practice.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0AWpQaLmKDs/V0kTjl7RiAI/AAAAAAAAKLs/2os8ZsIoy9se2wnWMXRWmcU_lEq70_FdgCLcB/s1600/DSCN9355.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0AWpQaLmKDs/V0kTjl7RiAI/AAAAAAAAKLs/2os8ZsIoy9se2wnWMXRWmcU_lEq70_FdgCLcB/s320/DSCN9355.JPG" width="320" /></a>On rainy days we still manage to have fun inside. Michelle LOVES arts and crafts. It doesn't take much to amuse her. We even made little people out of toilet paper rolls, pipe cleaners, feathers and googly eyes. Somehow the floor always winds up covered in glitter. I picked up some finger paints and finger painting paper and Michelle was ECSTATIC. I had fun too getting a little messy and creating some finger paint masterpieces. Unfortunately Michelle didn't do the best job of washing her hands afterward and our hand towel wound up looking like a Kandinsky painting!</div>
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Most people would think I'm nuts taking so many pictures -- not only on special occasions but EVERY DAY. Every trip to the park. Even at home. I can't help it. It's become such a habit that it's like breathing to me. I can't stop. And I wouldn't want to. Time is going by SO quickly. Michelle was a baby, like yesterday. Now she's 3 and turning 4 years old soon! Photos are my way of holding on, of capturing every precious, beautiful, funny, fleeting moment. And I love it. I had one boyfriend accuse me of not being "in the moment" because I was experiencing the world from behind a camera lens. I argued that I'm even MORE in the moment because I'm appreciating and capturing it. I also get to relive it over and over when I look at the photos. That is more priceless to me than anything. It seems that the world is starting to agree with me. It's the Instagram generation. More and more people are snapping photos not just of special events but even the minutiae of their daily lives -- because it's fun to capture and share your moments. Life goes so quickly. Photos are forever.<br />
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My sister May graciously offered to host Mother's Day. (She gets roped into hosting most events because her house is the biggest and in the most central location.) Unfortunately I could only make a brief appearance because I had to work night shift. No rest for this Mama! I was grateful to have some time with my family before I had to go. My Mom and my sister mean the world to me. I don't know what I'd do without them. I talk to my Mom every day and May has always been more than a sister to me -- my best friend and confidante, the one who makes me laugh more than anyone. The one who gets me and always knows just what to say when I'm having a bad day.<br />
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My niece Shannon gave me a very special gift after Mother's Day. I didn't realize that after I had left the party Michelle was composing a Mother's Day song for me and Shannon was sweet enough to record it to show me! Michelle is so creative. She loves to sing and will make up her own little songs. she's made up several improvised songs. I can't believe the things she comes up with off the top of her head. (It must be in her blood, as a songwriter I've written close to 1000 original songs.) I was so touched to see the video. What a perfect Mother's Day gift! Michelle is always telling me she loves me but somehow hearing her say it/sing about it when I wasn't even there made it more touching. I posted the video on Youtube:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/KuXx7IF-_xI/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/KuXx7IF-_xI?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--NT3ipGUcmI/V287I4IMhUI/AAAAAAAAKUU/TCFqiMI9oasONTcL2FgDPoobDdMeP1PxgCLcB/s1600/DSCN9484.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--NT3ipGUcmI/V287I4IMhUI/AAAAAAAAKUU/TCFqiMI9oasONTcL2FgDPoobDdMeP1PxgCLcB/s320/DSCN9484.JPG" width="320" /></a>I really do have the sweetest girl in the world. I couldn't have asked for a more affectionate, sweet, loving little girl. She's always hugging and kissing me, telling me she loves me and what an amazing Mama I am. It makes all the work and all the sacrifices of being a single Mom more than worth it. Michelle is my life. She's my heart and soul. The love and the joy that she's brought to my life is unlike anything else I've ever experienced. Maybe that's why I haven't felt the need to have a romantic relationship. My heart is full. Michelle takes all my time, energy and love.</div>
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Michelle is growing up so fast. I still can't believe she's starting school in September. We went to the school for an orientation. The principal gave a presentation in the gymnasium and suddenly dropped a bombshell -- not only did I have to part with Michelle in September, I had to do it already THAT DAY! "Ok now the teachers will come and take your kids to the classrooms while I talk to you about the school." I got a lump in my throat. It was unnerving to watch Michelle walk off, smiling, with a complete stranger, holding her hand with no hesitation. She wasn't worried at all. I was a basket case. Michelle is excited to go to school. I'm the one who's a nervous wreck. I don't want to let go.<br />
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When the parents were allowed to go to the classrooms and find their kids I was pleasantly surprised (and proud) to find Michelle exploring and playing so nicely with the other kids. I knew she would do just fine when she went to school. She had a ball. She didn't want to leave.<br />
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One of the classrooms had a make believe airport and airplane complete with a pilot's outfit. Michelle was all over that. It seemed that the uniform went to her head when she announced "<b>I </b>am the pilot! <b>You </b>are just a passenger, Mama!" I told her that she was coming across as somewhat elitist and I would never fly that airline again. "The seats are too cramped anyway!" The teacher overheard us and laughed. One of the teachers told me that Michelle was very good at recognizing letters. (They had letters drawn on leaves and Michelle knew all of them.) I told the teacher Michelle can write and recognize the whole alphabet and even some words. Michelle was in her glory in the classrooms. She made some crafts, played with water, sand, play doh. She enjoyed seeing the other kids. She was eager to play and learn. Some kids have to be dragged to school kicking and screaming. Michelle is raring to go. I on the other hand will be bawling my eyes out having to let her go! I'll hold it together long enough to drop her off and then go back home and cry!<br />
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Michelle is a Princess. Some people use that word as a derogatory term referring to someone who's a little spoiled or high maintenance. From me, it's a compliment. I mean it in the Disney sense of the word: A princess is a girlie girl who loves to dress up and be beautiful. She's also unique, creative, clever, kind, loves animals, likes to dance and sing, create art, be in nature. Whether she's royal or not, she carries herself with grace and elegance, has a sense of magic, adventure and makes the world a better place. That's my girl! Michelle would be at home in a Disney film. She loves dressing up in fancy gowns, twirling around and singing. And admittedly she is also a teensy bit spoiled and high maintenance too! LOL. She's used to getting her way. I want her to be happy and try to give her everything she wants (to the best of my ability.)<br />
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On my birthday Michelle and I both dressed up for my party. I like dressing up now and then. There's still a little Princess in me!<br />
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I used to worry about getting older. These days I'm not as concerned about the number on the cake. I'm more concerned with the number on the scale. I've been working out and counting calories for months. I had a goal weight in mind and I was getting closer. Then, the week of my birthday I was only 2 POUNDS AWAY from my goal! So I kicked it up a notch -- eating less and exercising more. But the goal still eluded me and I was stuck. (In June I did wind up meeting my goal but I'll save June for my next post. It has been a challenge exercising and dieting but I'm motivated and I've been doing it long enough that it's become a habit. Of course all bets were off on my birthday. With BBQ burgers and cake on the menu, it was DEFINITELY going to be my cheat day!<br />
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I don't really have a social life anymore. I don't go out. I don't date. Michelle and my family are my social life. Both Michelle and I look forward to getting together with the whole gang. It's always a great time. I'm glad that we're a close knit family. I know that some families rarely, if ever, get together for special occasions. It's always been a tradition that we celebrate birthdays as a family. My Mom was going to host my birthday but May generously offered to have it at her house where there is a lot more room.<br />
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At home it's just the two of us so it's always a nice treat for Michelle (and me) to be surrounded by our big crazy family. It's like we have two families. Our little family of two and our big family of 16! She may not have a dad but she has two uncles & Grampa. And while she doesn't have siblings she has a lot of cousins to play with when we get together. <br />
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It was a beautiful day so we headed outside. I always insist on getting the obligatory group photo. Usually it's the kids you have to worry about not looking but this time it was actually my Mom who turned back to look at Chris. It is pretty hard to get several people to look and smile at the same time. Michelle is becoming a pro at posing for pictures. She doesn't mind having her photo taken. She even told me she wants to be famous and "on newspapers." I thought about getting her into acting/modelling but I'm reluctant because it's a tough business to break into and child stars often wind up troubled.<br />
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My girl will always be a star to me. May got some photos of us by her blossoming trees. I love these snaps with Michelle, especially the one of her holding my face which was a really sweet pose.<br />
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My Mom always says how much Michelle is like me, both in her looks (blue eyed redhead), interests and temperament. She is very different from me however. She is stronger and more self-assured than I ever was. Some of it may be because she's a Leo, a natural born leader. Some may be because she's an only child and always had 100% of my attention (while I always had to compete with other siblings and felt like the least noticed/appreciated in the family as a child.) Fear and self-doubt always held me back from fully pursuing my dreams but I believe Michelle will accomplish anything she sets her mind to. I admire her confidence. I want great things for her. She keeps changing her mind what she'd like to do and to be but she has a lot of time to decide!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yIAAVWlvctg/V29Ll2kPcqI/AAAAAAAAKgs/o2CHGKSxPDYn9psHZ512lVmn8eFF1QxFgCLcB/s1600/DSCN9743.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yIAAVWlvctg/V29Ll2kPcqI/AAAAAAAAKgs/o2CHGKSxPDYn9psHZ512lVmn8eFF1QxFgCLcB/s320/DSCN9743.JPG" width="320" /></a>When we were getting ready to leave my sister's place I couldn't resist one last photo of Michelle in her pretty dress next to the flowers. I left the trunk open with my purse in it as I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture of Michelle. Suddenly I heard a slam. The sound of my dad slamming the trunk closed. On my purse. With the keys in it.</div>
"NOOOOOOO! Dad! You didn't just do that!"<br />
I hadn't even unlocked the car doors yet. All I had done was open the trunk to put my gifts in when I saw Michelle by the flowers and couldn't resist a photo. I was just going to snap a picture, grab my purse and keys, open the doors and drive my parents back home and then head home with Michelle.<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbnUUwOv-Zg/V29LtKRL5eI/AAAAAAAAKhE/-TUQForh3RoFeogi1qKyHcUHgBqbvBdYQCLcB/s1600/DSCN9748.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbnUUwOv-Zg/V29LtKRL5eI/AAAAAAAAKhE/-TUQForh3RoFeogi1qKyHcUHgBqbvBdYQCLcB/s320/DSCN9748.JPG" width="320" /></a>Now my dad had locked my keys in my car. "Oh MAAAAN!" I exclaimed, like Swiper the Fox. I'd managed to never lock my keys in the car but now my dad had done it. Now I'd have to call (and pay for) a tow truck to attend with a slim jim. Happy Birthday to me! Shane said that he used a hanger once to unlock a car door but I didn't want to damage/scrape the car doing that. I called for a tow and they were there pretty quickly. They put a special tool in the door which blew some air in to create a bit of space so that a hook could slide in without scraping the car. It only took a minute but cost me $60. My Mom said Dad would pay for it but I said no it's OK. "Just please NEVER close the trunk of my car! Let me do it." He'd asked my Mom if she needed to put anything else in the trunk and then closed it without asking me. Sh*& happens. Especially on your birthday. Michelle was happy to have a few extra minutes at Auntie May's. <br />
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My brother's girlfriend Christina was kind enough to give me a i-phone for my birthday! She had just upgraded hers and gave me her old one which was an upgrade for me. Shannon put a couple of games on it. Michelle was happy to be able to play "Angry Birds." She figured out how to use it almost instinctively. I'm not a fan of technology and have avoided most of the modern gadgets that people use. I use a cellphone for emergencies only. It is nice however to have a phone now that I can text on without having to scroll letter by letter on each number key. I just had to get a new SIM card and set the phone up (even this was a daunting process for me. I had no idea what I was doing but somehow managed it.) My outdated Nokia phone (which someone else had kindly given me) seemed to sense it was being replaced and died entirely! I was disappointed I didn't get to extract the numbers/messages I had stored on it.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SHeT95vBXkQ/V29L2ot0YiI/AAAAAAAAKhs/gbFVMaobzjYaIBHJFXZ7A9SeAsUB3V2DACLcB/s1600/DSCN9777.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SHeT95vBXkQ/V29L2ot0YiI/AAAAAAAAKhs/gbFVMaobzjYaIBHJFXZ7A9SeAsUB3V2DACLcB/s320/DSCN9777.JPG" width="243" /></a>Michelle is excited that she can swing on her own now. "Look how high I can go Mama! I'm FLYING!" She still likes me to push her to get her started. But then she tells me "Go sit down! I can do it myself!" It's a relief for me not to have to push her constantly. It was tough on my arms sometimes. There are more and more things that Michelle likes to do on her own to prove that she can. "I'm a big girl now!" she tells me "I'm almost a TEENAGER!" "Well, not quite," I tell her "Still another 10 years for that." She is growing so fast though and she's always been tall for her age. When people ask me how old she is they're always taken aback that she's not even 4 years old yet. I usually look at hair to tell age. If a girl looks half Michelle's size but her hair is twice as long I figure either she's Rapunzel or she's 5-6 years old. (9 times out of 10 the girl is 6.) Then again, some parents actually cut their kids' hair. I don't have the heart to cut Michelle's. Though she did her bangs herself! (See last blog post for that horrifying tale!)</div>
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Michelle is not shy about having her photo taken. I ask her to pose and she's like "TADAAAA!" Sometimes I worry that I've created a monster! It was inevitable though. I'm a complete photoholic. I have my camera with me ALL THE TIME and I can't resist taking a hundred photos of Michelle. Not just when we got somewhere special but EVERYWHERE. Even at the park. Even at home. To me it's necessary, as natural as breathing. The moment is fleeting and I'm determined to capture it. Time is going by so quickly. Photos are the only way I know of holding on. So I can't stop! I won't stop! People used to look at me strangely but now most people have a camera phone on them at all times and they're snapping pictures of everything too. (Of course, trendsetter that I am I was doing it long before it was cool!)<br />
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Toward the end of May, we headed to Port Dover Beach. I was a little disappointed the palm trees hadn't arrived yet. They are usually planted in late May. We still had a great time at the beach. It was a little cool with the breeze at first but then warmed up. Michelle had a blast playing in the sand, chasing seagulls, dancing around. The water was ice cold of course. We just dipped our feet in.<br />
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The beach is my happy place. I love relaxing on the sand, watching Michelle play, looking at and listening to the water, the sound of seagulls flying overhead, enjoying the warmth of the sand and the sun. A day at the beach is the closest I come to a vacation. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I'm somewhere tropical (the illusion is even easier when I can look up at palm trees!) <br />
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Michelle doesn't take anything for granted. Even something as simple as going to the park, which we do so often, is an adventure for her. She gets so excited every time we go. She usually winds up making a new friend, this time it was a caterpillar. She found a fuzzy little black and yellow one crossing her path. She wanted to bring him back home but I told her we'd just visit him when we came back to the park. I remember as a kid having jam jars with holes poked in the top & grass and leaves to keep caterpillars as pets. As an adult I'm less keen on having insects in the house. Plus I don't even have any jelly jars. Maybe one day. I used to collect tadpoles and frogs as well. I usually tell Michelle to leave creatures where she finds them (unless they seem like they need help.) <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DJDseHquS7E/V29UJwPaCMI/AAAAAAAAKog/49YcKw2CP_8LM7T81Td3xf9T5phj4sUsQCLcB/s1600/DSCN9962.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DJDseHquS7E/V29UJwPaCMI/AAAAAAAAKog/49YcKw2CP_8LM7T81Td3xf9T5phj4sUsQCLcB/s320/DSCN9962.JPG" width="251" /></a>We went to see Angry Birds. Animated movies are basically all I get to see with Michelle. I really enjoy them though. I've never played the video game (and wasn't too impressed with what I saw of it) but the movie was very cute and funny. I sympathized with the hero, Red, who is made out to be a villain but is really just angry because he's gotten a raw deal and is the outcast in town. It turns out that anger is the appropriate response to a real threat (the pigs who come to steal the birds' eggs) and Red winds up being a hero. Michelle loved the movie too. <br />
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It's a treat to be able to take Michelle to the theatre and not worry about her acting up (like she did when she was younger). She is transfixed by the movie, swept into the magical world on the screen and mostly stays quiet through the entire thing. She loves sharing popcorn too. </div>
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One of the things I love about Michelle is her enthusiasm. She has so much energy and zest for life and it doesn't take much to please her. I would love to have a swimming pool but on my budget it's an impossibility. Still, Michelle can have fun right in our backyard with a simple little sprinkler. Toys R Us had an octopus one on sale for $7. I was a little disappointed in it. I expected the tentacles to flail around but they didn't. Michelle had a ball anyway and even I had fun running around in it. I blew some bubbles too (bubbles are always a hit!) My favourite part of course was snapping pictures of Michelle having fun. It was a challenge not to the get the camera wet as I chased her around. Even more of a challenge to hold a bottle of bubbles and the camera in one hand, the wand in the other to capture her chasing bubbles. (This is what I do! Total #photoholic!) Sometimes I get lucky and catch a couple of good shots. <br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6RMZDNcNA6M/V29Wom-rjpI/AAAAAAAAKrw/54dx9IVIOVsWPkNMQo8pdnSqYe8Gy26ZQCLcB/s1600/DSCN9992.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6RMZDNcNA6M/V29Wom-rjpI/AAAAAAAAKrw/54dx9IVIOVsWPkNMQo8pdnSqYe8Gy26ZQCLcB/s320/DSCN9992.JPG" width="246" /></a>I love Michelle's excitement. It's infectious. Often tired and running on empty my energy is low but being around Michelle helps to perk me up a little. I envy her that joy for life. Of course it helps when you're a kid and have no worries or responsibilities. Michelle doesn't understand why I'm not bouncing-off-the-walls happy and why I can't play all the time. I try to explain that I have a lot of things to do -- taking care of a child and a house on my own is difficult. I remind her that most families have TWO parents to share the work/burden of running a household. As a single Mom, it's all you. I do make some time to play though. I feel bad that Michelle doesn't have other siblings to play with though she is getting better and better at entertaining herself. She has an extraordinary imagination. She loves creating art, singing, playing with clay and Lego and dolls. She looks forward to visits with family so she can play with her cousins though. </div>
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And then it was Auntie May's birthday... Of course she was named after the month of May. I'll always sort of wish I'd been born in April so I could have been April (Surely my Mom would have named us April and May because how cute would THAT have been?!) <br />
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Michelle and I dressed up for the party which was being held at Grandma's house but Uncle Chris & Auntie Christina set things up in the backyard with a tent, BBQ and even a water slide for the kids! It was a beautiful day to be outside! Michelle was thrilled to see the water slide (which Uncle Chris was kind enough to give to us after the party so we could use it at home in our backyard!) The guest of honour ironically was the last person to arrive because she had to take Reggie to a friend's birthday party first. (Too many birthdays in May!)<br />
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The kids LOVED the water slide! Some were better at it than others. Michelle never quite got the hang of it. Kayla tried to teach her how to drop and slide but Michelle preferred to crawl through. I even tried it. My attempt was a bit of an epic fail but it was very refreshing at least! At one point Chris and Mike even swung the kids and threw them on the slide. It made me a little nervous but they loved it. Even Michelle went flying and laughed.<br />
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May is more than a sister to me. She is my best friend in the world. She has always been there to share, to listen, to make me laugh like no one else does. She understands me like no one else can. I'm so grateful for her. I don't know what I would have done without her and my Mom to support me through my pregnancy and raising a child on my own. Any time something would go wrong, I had a question or needed advice I'd turn to May. (I talk to my Mom too but my Mom is a bit of a catastrophist and when I'm already worried about something I don't want to hear about the worst possible outcome. Like when Michelle had a fever and my Mom suggested "Maybe it's MENINGITIS!" May is usually the sweet, sane, calm, wise voice of reason. She has talked me through more catastrophes than I care to remember. And when she's having a bad day I'm glad that she can confide in me too. Life happens. Sometimes you just need a sympathetic ear. Someone who gets you. Someone who can make you laugh in spite of it all.<br />
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I'm grateful to have my Mom and Dad to watch Michelle as well. And my Mom is happy to have those visits to look forward to. Even though Michelle can be exhausting. As she gets older my Mom said it's easier and easier to watch her because she will play nicely on her own. She's fully potty trained (and for a while she was asking for help but I want her to be able to do all the steps on her own so she's prepared for school). She likes to dress herself. It's hard to believe she was a helpless little baby just a few years ago and now she's growing into a sweet little girl who wants to be more and more independent. The only problem is she can be very strong willed and wants to get her way. She even tries to boss my Mom and Dad and I around. And sometimes gets away with it! Here she was trying to tell Grandma "That's MY chair!" but Mom stood her ground. Then she suggested that they both share it. (It was the most comfortable chair! I tried it when they weren't around!)<br />
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One of Michelle's favourite expressions is "BEST. DAY. EVER!" I think she picked it up from Rapunzel in "Tangled." She's said it many times when we've been at family events, gone to the beach etc. Seeing her happy brings me more joy than anything ever has. That's partly why I spoil her a little too. I want her to be happy. And she's so appreciative of every little thing I give her or do for her. So I can't resist giving her little presents and surprises even when there's no occasion. Just because. <br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9PAPZszEoTU/V29ed5mkNNI/AAAAAAAAKzo/2awZIgmqzDwfslt0rMV7PhjqJCj0FwKWgCLcB/s1600/DSCN0179.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9PAPZszEoTU/V29ed5mkNNI/AAAAAAAAKzo/2awZIgmqzDwfslt0rMV7PhjqJCj0FwKWgCLcB/s320/DSCN0179.JPG" width="320" /></a>I'm always glad when the whole gang can get together. It's tough when we live in different cities. My Mom has a dream that one day she'll win the lottery and buy a "street of houses" so we could all live together on the same street. My siblings always roll their eyes like they wouldn't want to live quite that close to Mom, even for a million dollars but I'd be thrilled if we were all that close together. I talk to my Mom every day (she calls me every day to make sure Michelle and I are OK.) And we usually visit May at least a couple of times a month. <br />
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My brother Mike lives the farthest away so he doesn't always make it to family events but it's great to have everyone together a few times a year at least. We're a big, boisterous family and it's always a blast. The kids running amok, my brothers cracking jokes, catching up with the girls on what's new. Family. Fun. Food. What more could you want? And Michelle is always excited about cake. She even manages to eat it without being covered in it now. (I've seen kids twice her age that aren't that careful.)<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nCY3JGmEKkE/V29eZmZPQUI/AAAAAAAAKzc/fUIIUWL5zKE5vjkhHgRhdBxnsWZPAsUegCLcB/s1600/DSCN0189.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nCY3JGmEKkE/V29eZmZPQUI/AAAAAAAAKzc/fUIIUWL5zKE5vjkhHgRhdBxnsWZPAsUegCLcB/s200/DSCN0189.JPG" width="150" /></a><br />
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While we were outside a nice couple were heading to the park with their kids. Michelle wound up making a new friend. Immy's Mom invited us over to play on their swingset in the backyard. I was happy for Michelle to have a friend nearby when she's staying with Grandma and Grandpa (on the days when I have to work.) She's a little younger than Michelle but they got along great. Michelle loves to make new friends. She'll love going to school in September and meeting so many kids. She's the opposite of me in that way. I was always a shy one. Michelle is outgoing, a social butterfly.<br />
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Though I spend most of my time with Michelle it's still hard for me when I have to leave her. The best part of the day is coming back to my Mom's and having Michelle run toward me so excited. "Mama!" she squeals with arms flung open. "I love you! I MISSED YOU!" as if I've been gone for a month when it's only been a day. I could never leave her for very long. I know some people go on vacations without their kids. I couldn't do it. I'd have to take her with me. Though a vacation isn't really in the budget/plans right now. Until/unless we win the lottery. Or maybe if I win enough I can buy Mom her "street of houses" and I can live next door to her at least. Maybe I could twist May's arm to move there too... <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1iWzknSXXAM/V29fhgwb16I/AAAAAAAAK2o/FUAP6-jBeIQuvVbC5SsQFIKCU5mdEqNKgCLcB/s1600/DSCN0329.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1iWzknSXXAM/V29fhgwb16I/AAAAAAAAK2o/FUAP6-jBeIQuvVbC5SsQFIKCU5mdEqNKgCLcB/s320/DSCN0329.JPG" width="246" /></a>Being a Mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm extremely grateful for it. Though it's not always easy (and some days it's hell on wheels!) it's more than worth it. I've never felt so loved, never felt so much joy and purpose to my life. I never tire of Michelle's sweet smile or of hearing her say "I love you Mama!" I spend most of my time with her and the brief times that we're apart I miss her. <br />
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I heard someone say that having a child is like "having your heart forever walking around outside of your body." And I agree. Michelle is my heart. She's my everything. I never could have imagined I'd feel this way. People told me that having a child changes you but I didn't really understand until I experienced it myself. Whatever else I may have hoped to do or to be in this life, nothing comes close to being a Mom. This is as good as it gets. Come what may, I'm excited to see what new adventures await us...<br />
<br />Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-39587980287491244022016-05-12T02:39:00.001-04:002016-05-12T03:17:15.725-04:00Spring Forward!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've thought about ending this blog a few times but I can't seem to give it up. Even though it's hard to find time to write, it's something I love. And it's become a habit, keeping an online record of our journey. I started "Bump in the Road" when I found myself pregnant, alone and overwhelmed. This was an amazing outlet to vent about my troubles, celebrate my triumphs and share my story with the world. To hear from others who had been through similar experiences, to know that my story touched people, to look at my stats and see that people around the globe -- the U.S., Russia, the UK, France, Germany, Australia etc -- were following my journey was enormously gratifying. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone. Maybe I wasn't the only one who had gone through this. I figured if I can reach even one other single Mom and give her some comfort and encouragement, it would be worth it. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N6t0ABcYQhg/VyAZREHMvuI/AAAAAAAAJaU/WpX8_keE7LwN8qCQ3tOQVIw_mobX_NJfgCLcB/s1600/DSCN7603.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N6t0ABcYQhg/VyAZREHMvuI/AAAAAAAAJaU/WpX8_keE7LwN8qCQ3tOQVIw_mobX_NJfgCLcB/s320/DSCN7603.JPG" width="320" /></a>I've had people tell me now and then that I'm stupid and/or crazy to share so much of my life (and Michelle's life) and to post pictures online. The truth is I don't see the harm. I've gone to great lengths & made enormous sacrifices to ensure that Michelle is safe and always with me (or my parents when I'm working.) I would never leave her with a stranger. (It will be hard letting her go to school in September but it's inevitable. And I know that she'll be safe in school. At least I hope so.) My Mom is CONSTANTLY clipping out articles about babysitters and daycare centre workers who abuse/molest children. "I KNOW, MOM! I would NEVER take the chance and leave her with a stranger! That's why I commute for hours just so that I can leave her with you and dad!" Not that Michelle is entirely safe with Grandma and Grandpa either (I'll get to that story later!) but they're still my best bet.</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8xJnMvXCHs0/VyWYqF317TI/AAAAAAAAJm8/8FozCB7sm9oDGYpzzMf_y7sfE_A2nsUmwCLcB/s1600/DSCN7631.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8xJnMvXCHs0/VyWYqF317TI/AAAAAAAAJm8/8FozCB7sm9oDGYpzzMf_y7sfE_A2nsUmwCLcB/s320/DSCN7631.JPG" width="292" /></a>Somehow when you're a parent (a mother especially) it's as though you can do no right. There is always someone who will tell you you're doing something wrong. I've been told on one hand that I'm too overprotective because I never let Michelle out of my sight. I'm a hoverer. And I'd never leave her with a babysitter. On the other hand I'm told that I'm not protective enough because I post pictures of her on the internet. Some parents don't post anything about their kids online. Others post everything. As far as I'm concerned, you have to do what feels right for you but don't impose your views on someone else. If it makes you happy, go for it! Don't let critics stop you from living your life the way you want to! As long as you're not doing anything immoral, illegal or deliberately hurtful to someone else, fill your boots! There are people who will lecture you on what you should do (while their own life choices are often less than stellar.) There are people who will tell you how to parent your kids (even when they have no children of their own.) It's best to just nod and smile. Everyone has their own opinion. The only one that matters is your own. No one loves your kid as much as you do and chances are you know best. So just be you and celebrate it! Ignore the naysayers. We're all individuals. You have to use your own judgment.</div>
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Between my blog, Twitter, Youtube etc I have posted THOUSANDS of photos and videos over the years. I'm not about to delete them all. When my ex sabotaged my hard drive (because he was jealous I had pictures of my old boyfriends) I lost TENS OF THOUSANDS of photos and videos from 2006-2011. If it hadn't been for sites like Myspace, Youtube, Twitter etc where I had posted many of my fave photos, I would have lost everything. (No I didn't have my pictures backed up. The internet was my back-up!) When people are asked what their most treasured possessions are photos are usually right up there. Now instead of photos in albums and shoe boxes we have them online. Somehow it's comforting to know that even if I lost everything, I could go anywhere in the world and hop on the internet and my photos, my story would be there to see. Michelle loves the limelight and she certainly doesn't mind me posting pictures online. She enjoys seeing herself on the computer and she's watched videos of herself as a baby on Youtube. She was fascinated watching herself eat solid food for the first time and take her first steps. I'm so glad that I have those moments captured. Many people share their lives on the internet in photos and in videos. So long as they're not negative/exploitative, I fail to see the problem. Life is so fragile, so fleeting. It's a human impulse to make your mark. To share your life. To write on the wall "I was here!" I tweet, therefore I am! You could hide your light under a bushel, but what fun is that?</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--iLvEIaBHEw/VyWbHyWS76I/AAAAAAAAJnQ/rr1sW2b_1gMSY5tGNsBZhQIdVryHYmtIACLcB/s1600/DSCN7605.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--iLvEIaBHEw/VyWbHyWS76I/AAAAAAAAJnQ/rr1sW2b_1gMSY5tGNsBZhQIdVryHYmtIACLcB/s320/DSCN7605.JPG" width="320" /></a>As an artist/writer I feel a need to express myself and tell my story. I always have. At 11 years old I wrote a speech about my dysfunctional family (we could choose any topic. Other kids prattled on about dinosaurs, outer space, animals etc. Most nervously reading their script in a monotone.) I spoke from the heart, speech memorized (because it was MY story) I was the only one who dared to be honest/funny/to use personal experience as my subject. I won for best speech in the class and then had to recite it to the entire school where I won best speech in the school! Mom was both proud and mortified as I revealed embarrassing stories about our crazy clan. Even then I seemed to know the cardinal rule of a writer: Write what you know! In my 20s I wrote deeply personal poems about my relationship(wreck)s and heartbreaks and was thrilled to have several of them published in literary magazines. I also dabbled in stand up comedy at Yuk Yuks where I did sarcastic 5 minute bits about my life and my family. In my 30s I began writing songs about my life, my loves and the lessons I'd learned and performing them on stage and in videos. I put out a CD of deeply personal songs, one of which is even called "My Heart is on My Sleeve." At 42 when I found myself pregnant, I even wrote a song about the pregnancy test and posted a video on Youtube. I was telling Michelle's story before she was even born. I don't believe that it's hurting her in any way. To me it's a positive thing. I love Michelle more than my own life and I'll shout it from the rooftops if I want to! Sure there are scary people out there but there are nice people too. I've made some great friends online. The creepy ones I avoid. I've had a few marriage proposals (and indecent proposals!) on Twitter etc but if someone becomes aggressive/inappropriate with their messages I just block them. On the whole most people have been kind and I'm grateful to have an outlet to share my thoughts, photos etc. These days it's the closest thing I have to a social life. Besides, as much as I reveal about our lives, I keep a lot secret. I never mention where we live, where I work or any specific details. Most of my readers don't even live in the same country. I think we're pretty safe here in Anytown, Canada. Besides I'm not a celebrity or anything. Some people reveal a lot more than I do. There's even an app that shows where you are geographically every moment of the day. Big Brother is watching. I'm behind the times and I don't even have apps. So there you go, you can call me stupid and crazy but I gotta be me! I'm an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I started this online diary years ago and I'm not pulling the plug now! If you don't think my websites are a good idea, you don't have to look at them. My mother warned me years ago that I shouldn't be on the internet at all because it's "too dangerous!" and I shouldn't put my name out there! But my mother lives in fear. She doesn't even own a computer. She has no desire to ever get on a plane. Living in a safe prison where you never go anywhere, never do anything and never risk anything isn't living. I am cautious when I need to be but sometimes I throw caution to the wind and because of that I've had some amazing experiences I wouldn't trade for the world. Whether or not anyone approves of my choices they are MY CHOICES. We're all human, none of us perfect. You do you. I'll be me! Namaste!</div>
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So now that my rant is done I'll get on with catching up on the past few months which flew by and yet somehow seems like a lifetime ago!</div>
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As I've mentioned numerous times, I am NOT a fan of Winter. (aka I loathe winter with every fiber of my being!) I couldn't wait for Spring. February is my least favourite month. At least it's the shortest month of the year (though it often feels like the longest.) To get through the cold, grey, miserable, monotonous days I tried to find things to look forward to. Every winter I seem to gain 10-20 lbs because I slip into a slump, overindulge on junk food and stop exercising. I was determined this winter would be different. I was doing pretty well maintaining my weight by continuing to count calories and doing yoga. Then cookies happened. It was February. I had been experimenting with cooking/baking (something about being locked in the house on cold winter days makes you crave comfort food!) I learned how to make shortbread cookies perfectly. I was so proud (I've never been much of a cook/baker and usually find a way to mess recipes up somehow.) I had planned to give the batch to my Mom (shortbread is her fave.) Unfortunately only half of them made their way to Mom's. I started baking cookies & eating half the batch (or the whole batch!) myself. Before I knew it, I'd gained almost 10 lbs! I was so angry with myself! At my age your metabolism slows and it's a struggle to lose weight yet it's ludicrously easy to gain it. And eating dozens of cookies at a time doesn't help! So the yoga wasn't cutting it anymore. I had to start working out more. I wound up turning to Jillian Michaels again -- she's tough but she's the best. I did the 30 Day Shred through March and lost half the weight. In April I did Tabata (another workout I'd read about in a fitness magazine and researched online.) It was invented by Japanese physician/researcher Dr. Izumi Tabata who was working with Olympic athletes and discovered that short bursts of intense exercise were actually more effective than longer periods of moderate exercise. Tabata is a 4 minute workout consisting of high intensity intervals -- 20 seconds of full-throttle exercise followed by 10 seconds of rest, repeated 8 times. It improves aerobic and anaerobic fitness, raises metabolism and heart rate. Working out for 4 minutes rather than an hour obviously sounded too good to be true. I figured I'd give it a go. But it is INTENSE. Those 4 minutes nearly kill you. (You should probably consult a doctor first & it wouldn't be advisable for anyone with heart problems as your heart rate SOARS during the 20 seconds of work. My heart is pounding and I have a hard time catching my breath during the 10 seconds of rest.) I did wind up losing a couple of pounds doing it and improved my endurance. I want to keep switching up my workouts so I don't plateau. And I don't think Tabata is meant to be done indefinitely. I've heard it loses its effectiveness if you do it too long. I figured going back to Yoga would be a nice change of pace though even with that I'm changing it up -- from relaxing sessions of old school Hatha yoga to more intense Jillian Michaels' "Yoga Inferno." The beauty of yoga is that it works on your core strength physically and spiritually. As you become balanced and centered in the postures it can translate into feeling balanced in life. Mind you, it's hard to do headstands at work or to do the lotus while you're stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. I have to find a way to hold on to my Zen wherever I am and whatever is going on around me. Especially when I have a monster to deal with on a daily basis...<br />
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I had often joked that Michelle was half vampire on her father's side but it wasn't until one day in February that I realized she actually has VAMPIRE TEETH! Her canines are sharp and pointed! She thought it was the coolest thing in the world and went around saying she was a vampire (but a nice one, like Draculaura from Monster High.) Michelle (like her father and like me when I was in my 20s) is a bit of a goth. She LOVES Halloween, monsters, all things creepy. She was already talking about what she wants to be for next Halloween. I told her she may change her mind over the next 8 months. <br />
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There isn't much to celebrate in February aside from Valentine's Day of course and Family Day (which was only invented a couple of years ago so that Canadians would have something to celebrate on President's Day.) Really every day is Family Day for me. I spend 99% of my time with Michelle and we visit with the rest of the family often as well.<br />
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Michelle LOVES visiting her Auntie May and playing with her cousin Reggie. I love visiting with May too. May always has me laughing as we catch up on life, our favourite shows etc. It's one of the few breaks I get from Michelle because she goes off to play with Reggie and I can just sit, relax and talk to grown-ups for a change. Sometimes I think having more than one child might actually be easier because the kids can play together at least. Michelle is always asking me to play with her. I do as much as I can but I explain to her that I'm on my own to do everything -- cleaning the house, making the meals, doing laundry etc. It's hard when you're on your own to keep up with everything.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1Oy2xboKoP4/VyAbloIOieI/AAAAAAAAJbg/vl0JCAhl_L0DM4Jkqj3n_DObW0J4vHfFwCLcB/s1600/DSCN7721.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1Oy2xboKoP4/VyAbloIOieI/AAAAAAAAJbg/vl0JCAhl_L0DM4Jkqj3n_DObW0J4vHfFwCLcB/s320/DSCN7721.JPG" width="320" /></a>One tradition my Mom and I (and my sister when she can make it out with us) always look forward to is visiting the Princess Margaret Lottery Dream Home. It's for a good cause (cancer research) and buys you a dream for a while. Of course the reality is that even if you won it you'd have a hard time paying the taxes unless you're a millionaire, but you could maybe live in it for a while before you sold it. </div>
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They're always beautifully decorated. Even Michelle had fun exploring our dream house. "I'd like living here!" she said. "So would I!" I agreed.<br />
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Valentine's Day is different when you're not in a romantic relationship. I used to be quite a romantic. Now I've learned to live without that sort of love. My love for Michelle surpasses anything I've ever experienced so I don't feel a void not being in a relationship though admittedly once in a while I think it would be nice having someone to watch scary movies with again. And play Scrabble with. But as far as holding hands and laughing and going places and having fun with, Michelle has me covered. She's my Valentine now. <br />
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I wanted to do something special with Michelle for Valentine's Day so I wrote a little song called "I love you" and got a video of us singing it together. She wanted to play her own little guitar while I played mine. She wound up getting a little distracted (as you can see in the video!) But we had fun and it was cute. Here's the video on Youtube:<br />
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Michelle was happy with her chocolates and stuffies. I was happy with pizza for dinner (that was my Valentine's gift to me!)<br />
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As much as I hate snow, I love seeing Michelle happy. So we always went out to play on snow days. Making snow angels, building snowmen, riding on her toboggan. At Grandma's house, Grandma and Grandpa even came out to play with us for a while. Instead of a snowman this time we made The Three Snowbears. Grandma made the baby bear. I made the other two. I like watching Michelle play. She has so much joy and enthusiasm for everything. She told me one day "Mama, I'm ALWAYS happy!" I told her that's a good way to be and that I wish I was. Unfortunately I let things get to me and I can get depressed, stressed, tired, frustrated. I told her she's more like Ernie, cheerful no matter what and I'm more like Bert, more prone to grumpiness. Or she's Sponge Bob, eternal optimist and I'm Squidward, ever the cynic. I wish I had one tenth of her energy. In fairness a sunnier disposition is easier when you're actually rested and when you get to play all day with no cares or responsibilities! Oh to be a kid!</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TF9bMCBzZEM/VyBLVGFMl9I/AAAAAAAAJgM/imUdFbIelAIgD-0DBNg_ad6A3lbCnzZHACLcB/s1600/RSCN7944.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TF9bMCBzZEM/VyBLVGFMl9I/AAAAAAAAJgM/imUdFbIelAIgD-0DBNg_ad6A3lbCnzZHACLcB/s320/RSCN7944.JPG" width="320" /></a>My Mom admitted how much easier it is to care for a child when you have two people. When my Mom is busy with something, my dad entertains Michelle. Michelle loves playing with Grandpa. It's hard when you're on your own and have to do everything. In two parent families sometimes Dad gets to be the "fun one" and play with the kids while Mom is busy working around the house. Or vice versa. When it's all you, you have to be the fun one and the working one, you do everything. Some single Moms at least have an ex in the picture contributing somewhat (whether financially or with child care etc). To have no help of any kind ever can be overwhelming. Luckily, knock on wood, it's gotten somewhat easier as she's gotten older. Michelle has a wonderful imagination and is content to play independently more and more while I try to get things done. She still has me role play while I'm doing dishes, laundry, in the bathroom etc. "Mama you be Sponge Bob and I'll be Sandy!" So I put on my best Sponge Bob voice and act out her scenario, as best I can, from the kitchen sink, bathroom etc. I wish she did have other kids to play with more often. Michelle is excited to go to school and make new friends her age. She's always happy to play with other kids when we go out somewhere.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9HRltbMEDrs/VyBMBs3hzRI/AAAAAAAAJg4/N60JYHrcku0sclW_uUJTw9u7ic9Y52XxACLcB/s1600/DSCN7991.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9HRltbMEDrs/VyBMBs3hzRI/AAAAAAAAJg4/N60JYHrcku0sclW_uUJTw9u7ic9Y52XxACLcB/s320/DSCN7991.JPG" width="320" /></a>Michelle loves parties and absolutely lives for dressing up. She picks out her own dresses and dresses herself. If she had her way she'd be in a dress every day. I tried to explain to her that her fancy dresses are just for special occasions and that they'll get ruined if she wears them all the time and just to run around the house. We went to Jocelyne's (my brother in law's sister's) birthday party. It was a full house between all of Shane's family and ours. Michelle had a blast playing with all the kids. I couldn't resist having an ice cream cone with the girls. (I think I was the only adult who did. How do you say no to ice cream?!)</div>
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Michelle loves art, like her Mama and her cousin Shannon. Drawing, colouring, painting. She's getting very meticulous about staying within the lines. It's fascinating to watch her style change. She used to do portraits of people full arms, hands and fingers. Now the arms tend to be sticks with just three prongs on them. My Mom thinks Toopy & Binoo are to blame because she noticed that's what Toopy's arms look like. Interestingly even though Michelle does stick arms she'll still do feet and toes! And she puts more detail into clothing now. She asks how to spell words and even figures some out on her own by sounding them out.<br />
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As much as she loves playing in the snow, even Michelle was longing for Spring. She would ask to go to the park and I'd have to explain it's much too cold. Luckily there is an indoor playground where she can run amok, climb and ride on the slides. She makes a new friend every time we go. She has a ball on the yellow tube slide. A complete photoholic I can't resist snapping a hundred photos, almost every time she goes down the slide. It takes a lot of bad shots to capture the perfect one. I never tire of seeing Michelle's smile. <br />
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She was so excited at one point that she did a happy dance -- a gleeful little wiggle before she climbed up to the slide. A younger boy saw her do it & he started doing a wiggle dance too. Then his Mom turned the corner and asked him "What on Earth are you doing?!" I chuckled to myself. I didn't have the nerve to tell her he was just imitating my nutty girl.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-obEB6FTnqM8/VyBN1qx4tYI/AAAAAAAAJic/7VZPp9JHHAEO-G8P6_nwVcAPHvHcZgiegCLcB/s1600/DSCN8092.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-obEB6FTnqM8/VyBN1qx4tYI/AAAAAAAAJic/7VZPp9JHHAEO-G8P6_nwVcAPHvHcZgiegCLcB/s320/DSCN8092.JPG" width="320" /></a>Toys R Us were giving away pink t-shirts for anti-bullying day. It says "Be a Buddy, not a bully." I hope that Michelle never encounters bullying when she's in school. I don't think she will because she's a tough cookie and wouldn't take flack from anyone. (I just hope she doesn't become a bully! She is pretty bossy!) I was bullied as a kid (even into adulthood). I was so shy and passive I just sort of took it. Looking back I wish I'd been assertive and stood up for myself rather than allowing myself to be a victim. I'm thankful that Michelle is much more outgoing and self-assured. She would definitely stand up for herself in a way I never did as a kid. </div>
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Dressing up is by far Michelle's favourite game. Now that she can dress herself there's no stopping her. She drags her step stool from the bathroom over to her closet and pulls down whatever she wants. For a while, she was a fairy EVERY SINGLE DAY. She'd go off to her room and say "Mama! I have a surprise for you!" and the surprise would be that she was dressed in her Barbie Mariposa butterfly fairy outfit for the billionth time. I'd feign shock and awe as she'd pirouette around. I asked her if she could use her fairy powers to bring about an early spring. She waved her magic wand but it was still winter. We got snow off and on. Sometimes she even tried to dress up the cat. Ali was a pretty good sport about it for about a minute, then she wasn't having it. <br />
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While I was pregnant, before the sex of the child had been determined, I had a feeling she was a girl and I had hoped she'd be a girlie girl and like flowers and fairies and dolls and pretty things. I got my wish, and then some! My little Princess is the girliest of girlie girls! She has a more rugged/earthy side too though -- she loves running (and she's fast -- she can ever outrun me!), likes playing ball (catching or kicking), loves being outside, isn't afraid of getting dirty (whether it's mud or sand or splashing in puddles she loves it).<br />
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Michelle has such a vivid imagination. She doesn't just dress up in the outfits, she takes on the role. She'll jump around and act out stories, whether she's a fairy, a superhero or a princess. She's so full of joy and energy there's no way of keeping up with her. <br />
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The only time she slows down somewhat is when she gets sick. Unfortunately she got a terrible cold and cough in February. The first night was AWFUL. She coughed so hard it made her gag and she threw up in bed. Any parent that has had to clean puke off of a kid and a bed in the middle of the night (washing off a crying child, pulling off sheets and rinsing them before loading the washer and putting on clean sheets) knows that it's a trip through Hell. Even worse than when your kid wets the bed (which is no picnic either. Thankfully Michelle has had very few accidents since she's been potty trained.) The following day was brutal too. Michelle's nose wouldn't stop running and she kept crying. I insisted she rest, have lots of juice and water and I even made her homemade chicken noodle soup. By the next day she was herself again, still with a red runny nose but laughing and running around and wanting to play dress up again. I got pictures of her as Minnie Mouse with her poor red nose. (And in case you're wondering that's Dracula Mickey posing with her. He's supposed to be a Halloween ornament but Michelle loves Halloween and she adores her Dracula Mickey.)<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MygMs5VqCZs/VyBPAUpYKmI/AAAAAAAAJjg/ON8ilbs7J10oeEkSYy116Wa0LwXfQPyrwCLcB/s1600/DSCN8111.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MygMs5VqCZs/VyBPAUpYKmI/AAAAAAAAJjg/ON8ilbs7J10oeEkSYy116Wa0LwXfQPyrwCLcB/s320/DSCN8111.JPG" width="320" /></a>It's all fairies, unicorns and rainbows in Michelle's world. Everything is magical. I envy her that. I lack her sunny enthusiasm. And when I caught her cold (because as old as I am I still haven't had all 2000 strains of the common cold and of course she had to catch one I hadn't experienced yet), I didn't bounce back quite so quickly. In my defense I didn't get to rest and have someone bring me OJ and chicken soup when I was sick. A single Mom doesn't get to take a sick day. I even went into work. They asked me why I came in. I said being at work was actually more restful than being home. Michelle doesn't give me peace. </div>
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On Oscar night I had an idea. Why let Michelle have all the fun? Maybe I could play dress-up too. So we dressed up for the Oscars. Michelle loved it. Any excuse to wear a dress and she's happy. And of course I had to get some pictures of us posing with our Academy Award for Best Actress (that I picked up at a souvenir shop in Niagara Falls years ago!) Michelle even wound up watching a little of the Oscars with me. She enjoyed seeing all the ladies in pretty dresses walking on the red carpet. After she settled down I got to enjoy them in peace. Chris Rock was a phenomenal host! There was so much controversy surrounding the Oscars and the "lack of diversity." Chris tackled it beautifully -- using humour to confront the issue head on. He was hilarious and brilliant and made far more of a statement than those who simply boycotted the Oscars. He got his point across. Public Enemy's "Fight the Power!" played over the closing credits. It was unforgettable. One of my favourite moments from the show was Lady Gaga performing "Til it happens to you." It was so raw, so powerful I was on the verge of tears when a group of survivors joined her onstage and I just bawled. </div>
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Even with all of her dresses and costumes Michelle couldn't resist raiding my closet as well. "Can I wear this?!" she asked reaching for my high school prom dress. I was curious to try it on myself. It almost fit me if I didn't do up the zipper at the back. At all. It looked good on Michelle -- I just had to put a clasp on the back to hold it on! She wanted me to dress up too so I put on the dress I wore to my brother's wedding years ago. I find it fun to dress up now and then and there aren't a lot of occasions that call for formal wear.<br />
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On gloomy days we made our own sunshine inside. Michelle loves arts and crafts. She'll draw and paint, play with clay and make crafts. She loves gluing glitter, sequins and jewels. Sometimes we'll have a CRAFTernoon where I break out all the supplies and we'll make fancy crowns and things. It's fun but a HUGE mess. I wind up finding glitter and sequins all through the carpet for weeks. Even after vacuuming. <br />
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Then it was March. I was hopeful that Spring was on the way and the worst of Winter was over. Unfortunately in Canada you just don't know from one day to the next, or even one minute to the next, what the sky will bring. One day we went to Auntie May's for a visit. My Mom had heard about an impending snowstorm but the skies were completely clear. (And weather people are wrong 50% of the time, right?) All of a sudden it went from 0 to blizzard in under 1 minute! We looked outside and couldn't believe it. The kids were thrilled. Considering I had to drive in it, I was less enthused. </div>
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Good sport that I am, I played in the snow with Michelle though in my mind I kept thinking how happy I'd be to NEVER SEE ANOTHER SNOWFLAKE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! <br />
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I suppose I did like snow as a kid. Everything is fun when you're a kid and all you do is play. You don't have to worry about shoveling driveways or driving on slippery roads without snow tires. As a kid, snow means schools closing, tobogganing, making angels and building snowmen. As an adult I just grit my teeth and wait until we can go in and have hot chocolate.<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cTvkfuZ455g/VyW5WYme3SI/AAAAAAAAJpE/Tq36D6GKLrg5O8RXZDDbbzRUyJWvC5bjQCLcB/s1600/DSCN8241.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cTvkfuZ455g/VyW5WYme3SI/AAAAAAAAJpE/Tq36D6GKLrg5O8RXZDDbbzRUyJWvC5bjQCLcB/s200/DSCN8241.JPG" width="151" /></a></div>
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Now that Michelle's older (and better behaved for the most part -- because she's old enough that I can usually reason/negotiate with her now) there are more things I can enjoy with her. I don't have to worry quite so much about her having a tantrum/creating a scene in public. We went to see Zootopia 3D at the theatre and we both loved it. It was funny and clever with a really positive message about going after your dreams no matter what and never judging a book by its cover. The main character, Officer Judy Hopps, is an amazing role model for girls. She faces her fears and goes after what she wants, no matter what anyone else thinks. She does the right thing even when it's hard to do. She wants to make the world a better place. She is a true heroine. I'm glad to see Disney creating strong female characters. In contrast to the classic Disney Princess movies -- where the damsel in distress had to be rescued, today's heroines do the rescuing. And the sloths working at the DMV are HILARIOUS! The great thing about Disney films is that they're adorable and visually stimulating to keep the kids amused but they throw in enough adult wit and commentary to keep grown ups entertained too. Michelle was riveted through the entire thing.<br />
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Once in a while however, Michelle can throw one DOOZY of a tantrum! Thankfully we're at home when it happens. Michelle is becoming a bit of a perfectionist. She loves drawing and I've been told she's extremely advanced in terms or her artwork and writing but she can be hard on herself and gets very frustrated when she can't do something. "I can't do it!" she'll huff "I QUIT! I can't do anything right!" One day she was screaming and crying because she couldn't draw an elephant and a giraffe "properly." I told her to cut herself some slack. I explained to her that her elephant and giraffe were beautiful and actually far better than a lot of adults could do. I told her that artists can express themselves through their work. You don't need to make an exact replica. That's what cameras are for. Your art is your expression, your "interpretation" of the giraffe. And she really does have talent. Even at 3 she has a great sense of line, colour and composition.<br />
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I understand her frustration of course. I was always a bit of a perfectionist myself. It can be a good thing -- in school it pushed me to excel. I was a straight A student through high school and university and won several awards but I drove myself crazy trying to meet my self-imposed standards. I stressed myself out unnecessarily and never felt good enough. I want Michelle to strive for her personal best but I don't want her to make herself miserable trying to meet some unattainable ideal. I want her to enjoy herself and not to be so hard on herself. Learning and creating should be fun, not torturous!</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Hbhci5ypzfU/Vya_5Oo_jAI/AAAAAAAAJsE/lN9FvldHpAgq6dC0JntcmntReZCxaLmVQCLcB/s1600/DSCN8474.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Hbhci5ypzfU/Vya_5Oo_jAI/AAAAAAAAJsE/lN9FvldHpAgq6dC0JntcmntReZCxaLmVQCLcB/s320/DSCN8474.JPG" width="320" /></a>I love Michelle's artwork. Her whimsical pictures shows so much creativity. It makes me want to paint again. Somehow I never find the time. I have to make the time and it's something I could share with Michelle. It's bad enough to procrastinate things I don't want to do (like things that need fixing around the house etc) but I shouldn't procrastinate the things I enjoy. Life is too short to procrastinate your own happiness. I want to paint again and to write. I have to carve out some time to do things that nurture my spirit. Maybe then I won't feel so tired, drained and depleted a lot of the time. It's a common problem for Moms -- single Moms especially. You spend all your time and energy caring for your kids and there's nothing left for yourself. You almost feel selfish/guilty taking time for you. The thing is that you need that. By take care of you you are healthier, stronger and better able to take care of everyone else. Good advice if I'd take it. I try to. </div>
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Michelle is also a bit of a perfectionist in other ways. She wants to be able to do everything perfectly. She has been dressing herself for a while. She gets angry if she can't get things on herself and has to ask for my help. As if needing help is a sign of failure. I explained to her that certain things are just hard to get on, even for me (pulling dresses over her head, pulling up pants that are too tight etc). I know when I was a kid I wanted to be able to do everything my sister could do, even though she was 5 years older. With Michelle not having siblings I guess her only role model is me and she wants to be able to do everything I can do. "Michelle -- You're ONLY 3 YEARS OLD!" I try to remind her when she gets frustrated and expects too much of herself. Everyone comments on how bright she is and how advanced she is for her age. But she wants to be able to do EVERYTHING. NOW!<br />
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I don't know where on Earth she gets it from (heavy sarcasm!) but Michelle is a bit of a drama queen. At 3 years old she already has a gift for hyperbole. At my sister's one time she said "This was the BEST day ever but now it's the WORST day ever!" because Reggie wouldn't play what she wanted to play. If she doesn't get her way she'll say "That's it! I've had it! I'm leaving!" and stomp up the stairs. She told me once that I was "Ruining her life!" because I wouldn't let her do something (imagine when she's a teenager?! I'm DOOMED!) I usually can't help but laugh when she rants because it's so adorable and ridiculous. One night when I was driving home one of my favourite songs came on so I turned it up and started singing along. (Alanis Morrisette -- Oughta Know. I censored out the same part the radio did.) I remembered singing it when I was in a band, doing cover tunes. It's such a powerful song. When the song was almost over I thought I heard Michelle saying something but I was enjoying the moment and thought whatever it was she wanted could wait a second. When the song was over I asked "Did you want something, honey?" And she yelled "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FALL ASLEEP WITH ALL THAT RACKET?!" I apologized, laughed my head off, turned the radio down and found a more soothing song for her. I can't believe some of the things she comes out with! "Oh dear!" "Oh brother!" "Are you insane?" Some expressions she gets from me but sometimes it's old fashioned, even for me. It's like she's middle aged already. My Mom suggested maybe Michelle is "an old soul." It's like she's been here before. The things she knows and learns with little effort. How bright she is for her age. It's funny because a friend told me Michelle was an old soul when she was just a baby. Before she could even talk. The way she'd look into your eyes. Michelle is always saying. "I know, Mama. I know EVERYTHING." I told her she certainly doesn't. No one does. There's more to know than anyone could know. But maybe she has been here before. As much as she has to learn it seems like she teaches me even more. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ht70Jhs4RAU/Vya9p0dhWHI/AAAAAAAAJrY/1VH2S-hzUJIAaj1sBNjhShfce_Os5rdAQCLcB/s1600/DSCN8266.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ht70Jhs4RAU/Vya9p0dhWHI/AAAAAAAAJrY/1VH2S-hzUJIAaj1sBNjhShfce_Os5rdAQCLcB/s320/DSCN8266.JPG" width="265" /></a>Michelle and I were happy when the weather finally started to warm up and we could actually go to the park. March is supposed to be the official start of Spring after all. The first day we could go outside WITHOUT A COAT was glorious! (Mind you everyone has a different reaction to/interpretation of the weather. Some people will jump the gun and be in shorts. Others are still in their winter coats. I tend to fall somewhere in the middle.) </div>
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Michelle gets so excited at the park. She tends to say "BEST. DAY. EVER!" almost every time we go. For me, just getting some fresh air and a bit of sunlight after being cooped up for months in hibernation mode was incredible. It makes such a difference. The lack of sunlight is what makes Seasonal Affective Disorder so brutal. I look forward to Spring Forward when we put the clocks ahead, even though it means losing an hour. (This year I actually had to work nightshift which was perfect. If you're going to lose an hour it might as well be when you're working a 14 hour night!)</div>
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Michelle was ecstatic to be able to ride her bike again. We usually just go around the block. One time she wanted to go further then ended up tired and wanted me to carry her and her bike. I explained that wasn't happening and she was just going to have to muddle through. Usually she has boundless energy though and there's no stopping her. But a long trip up hill is tough, even for her. She's getting better at smoothly turning corners, speeding up and slowing down. I'm not sure at what point I'll be brave enough to take off the training wheels and let her learn to ride a bike without. Not yet anyway!</div>
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One of our favourite places to go is the Butterfly Conservatory. No matter what time of year it is you can enjoy Summer in there -- it is the temperature of a tropical jungle! Even in short sleeves I'm sweating buckets. Michelle and I love the butterflies. More than that I adore the photo ops! My goal was to capture shots of Michelle with a butterfly. I actually got a few so I was over the moon! There was a group of kids on a field trip when we were there and many of them were grabbing butterflies left and right. Michelle wanted to hold one. I told Michelle it's important to be very careful and NEVER to touch their wings because they're so delicate and if you damage them, they can't fly. She was very gentle and stayed very still as a kind boy (who was covered in butterflies because he had some sort of food/butterfly catnip that the facility had provided the students with) asked "Do you want to hold one?" and placed it on her hand. Later I was able to coax one from my finger onto hers as well. Of course the beautiful Blue Morpho (my favourite and the most elusive of the butterflies) never stays still long enough to get a photo. And will never sit on your hand or finger. Only occasionally on your shoulder, if you're lucky.<br />
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Somehow I even managed to get a selfie with a smiling Michelle and a butterfly. If it had been a Blue Morpho, my head would have exploded. I take so many pictures that Michelle's becoming a pro at posing, asks to see the pictures and even takes some herself. She doesn't do too badly considering she's 3 years old. I may have to give her her own little camera for her birthday.<br />
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To me, photography has become such a natural and necessary part of my daily life that I couldn't live without it. I have this need to record every moment (or at least the good moments. It's the smiles I keep. The tears and trials tend to stay off camera.) Posting photos on sites like Twitter is an extension of that. I'm not the only one. This is the Instagram generation -- people take selfies EVERYWHERE and snap photos of EVERYTHING, even their dinner. (Incidentally, I couldn't get an Instagram account because you need to upload it as an app on a device. I don't do apps. I have an old fashioned cellphone just for emergencies. It doesn't let you sign up from an old school computer. I was disappointed because a site BASED on photos would be right up my alley! For now, Twitter and this blog satisfy my need to share (or as some put it -- stupidly, crazily OVERSHARE!) my life.<br />
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Though some families rarely get to together (maybe at Christmas if that) mine are always gathering to celebrate birthdays (and in a big family like ours there are a lot of them!) etc. We got together for my nephew Dan's birthday in March. Michelle picked out her own turquoise and silver dress and was happy that it was as comfortable as it was stylish. She had a ball hanging out with the family, playing with Reggie and dancing around when they put the stereo on. Sometimes I feel like she misses out not having siblings so I'm glad when she gets to spend time with the whole gang.<br />
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And then it was Easter. As a Christian/Catholic of course I know that Easter is the day Jesus rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven, sacrificing his life to free us from sin so that we could one day join Him in paradise. Then there's the more pagan aspect of the holiday -- celebrating Spring, new life -- Easter egg hunts, chocolate bunnies. I joked on Twitter -- "Happy Easter if you're Christian or love bunnies!" Or both! As with Christmas, I let Michelle know and appreciate both aspects. I told her about Jesus rising up to Heaven. I also told her the Easter Bunny would hide eggs and bring her chocolate. Because why not? I even had her make Easter cards celebrating both sides. I was impressed with her rendering of the Ascension of Jesus (she gave that card to my Mom.) Her bunny was cute too (that was for my Dad.) Like Santa, my Mom boycotted the Easter bunny as well. We never had Easter egg hunts because the holiday was "about Jesus" not bunnies. Curiously she still gave us chocolate bunnies for Easter. Usually those solid 1 lb ones. I used to save the head for last because I felt sorry for him. Michelle is the opposite of me in that way. She bites off the head first and laughs! That ruthlessness is from her father's side I guess! Mom drew the line at inventing an Easter Bunny, but I guess she figured we shouldn't miss out on chocolate. And they don't make chocolate Jesuses! It would be kind of weird if they did.</div>
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This year I actually had to work all Easter weekend. Friday to Sunday. Curiously the Sunday doesn't even count as a stat holiday. I guess because it's a Sunday and most of the 9 to 5 office types don't work anyway. I tried to explain that if anything should be a stat holiday it's Easter. More than Christmas: Anyone can be born. More than Good Friday: Anyone can die. The most important part, the crux of the faith, is that Jesus ROSE FROM THE DEAD on EASTER SUNDAY. Of course, a lot of people celebrating Easter don't even believe in Jesus. They're just in it for the bunnies. But they still get Good Friday and Easter Monday off.<br />
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On the Saturday I dropped by the mall on my lunch break. Probably a crazy idea Easter weekend when parents would be scrambling to buy last minute chocolate bunnies. When I got there I was surprised to see kids and Moms lining up, all through the mall. I wondered what on Earth they were waiting for. Did kids line up to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap like they did with Santa? It seemed to me I had seen some Awkward Family Photos and Creepy Bunny photos where kids pose with a man in a (sometimes horrifying) makeshift Easter Bunny suit. Turns out they were waiting for the Bunny train. There he was. E.B. waving from a little train, choo chooing through the mall. Adorbs. Geek that I am, I snapped a photo of the Easter Bunny on the train to show Michelle.<br />
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"Hey! Look honey! I saw the Easter Bunny today on my lunch break!"<br />
Michelle was impressed. I was thankful that she wasn't angry about missing out on seeing him in person. And E.B. was kind enough to hide eggs at Grandma's house AND at our house when we were back home to celebrate on Easter Monday. Sometimes Mama working through holidays isn't such a bad thing. She winds up doubly gifted.<br />
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My Mom and I were both moved when Michelle's favourite present wasn't the chocolate or stuffies we'd gotten her but a Children's Bible! Stories from the Old Testament -- Creation, Noah's Ark etc and Jesus' life in the New Testament turned into concise, cute, colourful, kid-friendly tales. I read it to her and she looked through it over and over herself. She recognized Jesus when she saw Him (she'd seen Him in other pictures.)<br />
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Michelle had the time of her life searching for the Easter eggs. She even asked me to hide them again so she could gather them up a second time. She LOVES collecting things in baskets and boxes. She has a ball with marbles, beads, jewelry, coins -- any small things she can count and store in containers. Some of the eggs were just pretty, others Michelle was delighted to discover had surprises inside (PlayDoh/candy/etc). In true, Geek Mom-Photoholic fashion, I had to get photos of us in our matching bunny ears from the Dollar Store. It's amazing how much fun Michelle can have with little Dollar Store trinkets (I get a lot of craft supplies -- glitter, beads, sequins etc -- there too.) Bling on a budget.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BX3aVamCkUU/VyhPWLjECNI/AAAAAAAAJ4o/y4yM2hhoDIopZ3FeBD8gT0ZL9FedRDsNACLcB/s1600/DSCN8822.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BX3aVamCkUU/VyhPWLjECNI/AAAAAAAAJ4o/y4yM2hhoDIopZ3FeBD8gT0ZL9FedRDsNACLcB/s320/DSCN8822.JPG" width="320" /></a>It seemed like Spring was here to stay. It rained a fair bit but I could deal with that. April showers bring May flowers after all. I figured I had escaped the Winter without having to buy snow tires (one more expense I could do without). Then my Mom cruelly pointed out that we CAN get snow in April. That some years we even got snow IN MAY. I didn't remember that. I must have blocked it from my memory. My visions of May involved warm, sunny days, sometimes even at the beach. </div>
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And then just when I thought we were out of the woods, we got a blizzard. In April. Crap. My Mom got a picture of me looking morose as the snow started to fall. Michelle found it funny. The worst part was that I was going to be doing a lot of driving that day. It would turn out to be sheer Hell heading back home -- a white-out on the highway, cars almost at a standstill. I was white knuckled, cursing the weather and praying the whole way to make it home alive. But it was for a good cause. At least I got to spend time with my family.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-37PwDIyCkE8/Vyrpy7EkKII/AAAAAAAAJ64/_9Ve3OX-uSAgRi1Ve-JKjCNUvVqyz-6gwCLcB/s1600/DSCN8886.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-37PwDIyCkE8/Vyrpy7EkKII/AAAAAAAAJ64/_9Ve3OX-uSAgRi1Ve-JKjCNUvVqyz-6gwCLcB/s320/DSCN8886.JPG" width="320" /></a>For my brother's birthday, his girlfriend Christina decided to do something a little different and invited us all to celebrate at Mandarin. I headed there with some trepidation to say the least. Don't get me wrong -- I LOVE Mandarin (though an endless buffet of delicious food is a lot of temptation for someone who's counting calories. I figured that would be my cheat day.) It was one of my fave restaurants. Right up there with East Side Mario's which I haven't been to since before I was pregnant with Michelle. I hadn't been to Mandarin in several years. Since having Michelle I've only been to restaurants a couple of times, and it wasn't exactly smooth sailing. She was younger, but still. I think I still have PTSD from that time I went with Michelle and my parents to Swiss Chalet.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GiVLC52qM1M/VyrpqfQ8HTI/AAAAAAAAJ6w/AnrPZ2oMJr0OgsZ4yWNwQGgYj9qQLmMlACLcB/s1600/DSCN8876.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-A2qjX_jNFXc/VyrqRKgWYEI/AAAAAAAAJ7s/UQrR2PNYDVgDAK_7szKfOVVE7hR5bQicQCLcB/s1600/RSCN8901.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-A2qjX_jNFXc/VyrqRKgWYEI/AAAAAAAAJ7s/UQrR2PNYDVgDAK_7szKfOVVE7hR5bQicQCLcB/s320/RSCN8901.JPG" width="320" /></a>Going to the movies with Michelle is one<br />
thing -- she's enthralled by the magical world on the big screen. How on Earth was I going to keep her still, FOR HOURS, at a birthday party at a RESTAURANT, with no movie, no entertainment? Just food that she may not even eat. If she was her usual self, it would be a disaster. I'm sure the staff wouldn't appreciate a 3 year old girl running, bumping into people, breaking plates. Michelle doesn't sit still for a meal. At home at dinner time, she eats a little, gets up and runs amok. I follow her around with fork fulls of broccoli to make sure she eats it all. 9 times out of 10 I eat my meals standing. Michelle eats them RUNNING. I tried getting Michelle to sit down with me at the dinner table and eat like a normal human and it lasts about 2 minutes before she's up and sprinting again. It's a battle to get her to eat. I guess if I just left her to eat on her own she'd starve. Some parents don't bother. Some kids don't seem to eat anything and somehow they survive. I'm more of a worrier. I make sure she has her veggies and at least some protein. The carbs -- pasta, rice, tater tots she usually gobbles up no problem. And she loves cheese. But you can't live on that. I remember my brother in law's Mom saying when Shane was little they went on a trip to Mexico and all he would eat were M&Ms for a whole week. Somehow he survived. (I would have been chasing him with forks full of spinach and broccoli but to each his own. My Mom kept us prisoner at the table until we cleaned our plates. I refuse to do that to Michelle. Though I wish she would sit still and eat at least half of her dinner without me running around trying to feed it to her.)<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qI9sUfsxzcg/Vyrp0LKbEuI/AAAAAAAAJ68/DT6sUk4XUPMUFmFOEo-mVfuNYq3GyGgTgCLcB/s1600/DSCN8887.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qI9sUfsxzcg/Vyrp0LKbEuI/AAAAAAAAJ68/DT6sUk4XUPMUFmFOEo-mVfuNYq3GyGgTgCLcB/s320/DSCN8887.JPG" width="320" /></a>When we have dinner at Auntie May's Michelle takes a few bites, runs amok, takes another bite, runs amok. I couldn't imagine how I was going to keep her in her seat. Thankfully when we got to the restaurant I realized we'd be seated by a wall (she was barricaded on one side at least!) and there were massive aquariums to entertain her!<br />
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Michelle loves fish. She and her cousins (and me if I'm being honest) were fascinated by the fish. So that was great. Michelle couldn't go too far even if she wanted to. She did eat her dinner pretty well (I got her some chicken and veggies though her faves were french fries and pizza.) I went through my usual Mandarin ritual (which I used to do years ago -- first sampling a bit of almost everything, then getting a second plate of my faves -- curry chicken, rice, chow mein etc --- then a third & fourth plate. Then a dessert plate. Michelle enjoyed her dessert plate as well -- ice cream and cakes and cookies. After stuffing ourselves to the gills we all headed out. Though it was a little stressful at first, it turned out to be surprisingly fun and a nice change having a birthday at the restaurant. It was very brave (and generous!) of Christina to offer to take our huge clan to dinner and we appreciated it. A waitress was kind enough to take the obligatory group shot that I always insist on at our big family get-togethers.<br />
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Michelle adores her cousin Reggie. She always has a ball running around with him at Auntie May's. Affectionate girl that she is, she always wants to hug him goodbye. Boys aren't quite as keen on displays of affection and he usually looks uncomfortable (ranging from slightly reluctant to mildly horrified) but it's so cute I can't resist getting a picture.<br />
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One day my goofy girl said she had a surprise for me. "Police, Fire, ANIMAL!" I couldn't stop laughing. Her career choices have ranged from Doctor (my personal fave!) to Rock Star, Princess, Superhero, Builder, Artist, Writer, Actress etc. Now she had added -- Ballerina-Leopard-Firefighter to her wish list. And who knows? There may be occasions that call for a ballerina leopard firefighter to be dispatched (though I'm drawing a blank.) As a kid it seems the possibilities are limitless -- "What do you want to be when you grow up?" As you get older, you start to limit yourself in some ways, at least I did. You become more practical. Sure I'd love to be an artist. But I don't want to be a starving artist. I have to do something practical to pay the bills. And before you know it, the dreams start to fall away. Michelle is so strong and confident (things that I never felt I was) that I know she truly can be whatever she wants and puts her mind to. I will support her in whatever she wants to do or be, as long as it makes her happy. For me, I'm grateful that I got to dabble in so many different things -- acting, modelling, writing, art, music -- and creativity will always play some part in my life if only as a hobby. (When I can find the time!) What you do for a living isn't necessarily your life. Your life is what you love, how you choose to spend your time when you're not being paid -- the things that make your heart sing.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aiyWYJ2-dYY/VyrsIF1XAhI/AAAAAAAAJ8U/N3UeMQ7kRncy4eavzaSOpTIV2Ifad-CyQCLcB/s1600/DSCN8948.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aiyWYJ2-dYY/VyrsIF1XAhI/AAAAAAAAJ8U/N3UeMQ7kRncy4eavzaSOpTIV2Ifad-CyQCLcB/s320/DSCN8948.JPG" width="266" /></a>One of my dreams as a child was to be a ballerina. My parents couldn't afford lessons. I envied the girls who got to take ballet and piano, many of them forced to go and complaining about it. I would have loved it. With ballet especially you have to start so young or you lose your flexibility. Michelle was pirouetting around one day and suddenly did the splits! "I didn't realize you could do that!" I said, envious. I've always wished I could do that. She just smiled. Though it may be a struggle financially I will try to put Michelle into whatever she wants to do whether it's ballet, piano, gymnastics, sports, or putting her through medical school when she's old enough if that's what she wants! (Fingers crossed!)<br />
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Michelle loves the spotlight and I imagine once she goes to school she'll be thrilled to be involved in school plays, recitals etc. She's a natural born star! "Watch me Mama!"<br />
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My Mom says Michelle is so much like me that it's like having her own little girl back again. I think Michelle is a far better version of me -- Ann Marie 2.0! She's stronger, more confident and self-assured. On top of my creativity she has the determination to follow through with her dreams, whatever they may be. She's also incredibly bright, funny, loving and wise beyond her years.<br />
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At her worst, Michelle can be a moody demanding monster (she is a 3 year old girl after all!) At her best she is an angel, a blessing beyond anything I ever could have hoped for. The true love of my life, my greatest joy, my everything. I'm so lucky to have her.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1AixE9HJYjM/Vyru0H76uXI/AAAAAAAAJ-E/ZEmAvzOBAosKnQqNtYLuYfXHQRGy5_EnACLcB/s1600/DSCN9044.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1AixE9HJYjM/Vyru0H76uXI/AAAAAAAAJ-E/ZEmAvzOBAosKnQqNtYLuYfXHQRGy5_EnACLcB/s320/DSCN9044.JPG" width="240" /></a>Since I almost can't imagine ever trusting a man enough to have a relationship, much less get married, it had crossed my mind that I might actually see Michelle get married before I do. I just didn't expect it to be when she was 3 YEARS OLD! Yes. Michelle has married Sponge Bob. One day she dressed herself in a "wedding dress" (or at least the closest thing to one that she could find in her closet) and announced that she was marrying her favourite yellow sponge. It was a small ceremony. I stood in as officiant and improvised a ceremony "By the power vested in me by this stairwell, I now pronounce you girl and sponge!" Yes she loves Sponge Bob THAT MUCH. I don't see the attraction. Personally I find his squeaky voice grating and the show ranging from slightly funny to incredibly annoying but the heart wants what it wants. As men go, I'm thankful her affection lies with such a sweet, good natured, non-threatening one at least. She loves Dracula Mickey as well but more like a brother. Yes my girl is a little "different." I just roll with it.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OhvygPFQ1hQ/Vyrwcc74Y7I/AAAAAAAAJ-8/DNFQQRHOjFY73T02JbVMSISn9rSOelpUQCLcB/s1600/DSCN9056.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OhvygPFQ1hQ/Vyrwcc74Y7I/AAAAAAAAJ-8/DNFQQRHOjFY73T02JbVMSISn9rSOelpUQCLcB/s320/DSCN9056.JPG" width="272" /></a>Though I have a goofy/fun/lighthearted side, I admit that (more often than not) I tend to be more serious/a worrier/control freak. Keeping Michelle safe is PRIORITY ONE. I admit I am a card-carrying bubble-wrap/helicopter parent if there ever was one. I don't know how else to be. My maternal instinct kicked in the instant I found out I was pregnant -- it's an instinct to LOVE and to PROTECT no matter what. So I am a Mama leopard and I will shelter/safeguard/secure my cub to the best of my ability. (And tear out the throat of any predator who dares to come near her!) It's non-negotiable. Michelle comes first & anything else (up to and including my own life) comes second. I'm determined that nothing bad can happen to Michelle. Not on my watch. Unfortunately, I have to work to earn a living. So I have no choice but to leave her with someone, sometimes. My parents seemed like the best option because they at least love her almost as much as I do. The problem is that they're older, more forgetful, easily distracted, perhaps not quite as vigilant as I am. (No offence guys! I love you! BUT...)</div>
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Case in point...Recently something happened while Michelle was in their care that frankly, FREAKED ME OUT TO THE NTH DEGREE!<br />
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After a series of exhausting nightshifts I picked up Michelle, packed up our things, loaded up the car and headed home. After a 15 hour day on almost no sleep I was like a zombie. So I didn't even notice anything different about Michelle. I could barely see straight. I just wanted to get to bed more than anything and I had a long drive and a lot of unpacking/chores to do before that could happen. The next day however, I looked at her and did a double take. <br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zxpudtmwagI/VyrxthIzZdI/AAAAAAAAJ_s/oeR2vqQx4CwLunO3yos5iLo_plNb936oQCLcB/s1600/DSCN9074.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zxpudtmwagI/VyrxthIzZdI/AAAAAAAAJ_s/oeR2vqQx4CwLunO3yos5iLo_plNb936oQCLcB/s320/DSCN9074.JPG" width="229" /></a>"Wait, WHAT?! You have BANGS! How did you get BANGS! Did Grandma cut your hair?!" I was about to phone my Mom and blast her. After all what kind of a psychopath would cut a child's hair randomly without the parent's permission?! I thought of all the times my Mom complained that Michelle's hair was just "hanging in her face" and figured she'd taken it upon herself to rectify the situation. (Of course when Michelle is with me I usually brush and style her hair -- pigtails are my fave but she likes ponytails.) At Grandma's sometimes Michelle ends up looking like a rag-a-muffin.<br />
Michelle's lip quivered and she started to cry. <br />
"<b>I</b> DID IT!" she confessed. "<b>I</b> cut my hair!"<br />
"<b>YOU</b> DID IT?!" my mind was racing, struggling to process how this could have happened. Somehow my (knuckle-headed?!) parents had left her alone in the room with a sharp object (and without supervision?!) long enough for her to have styled her own tresses. And no one thought to mention this little incident to me? After I stopped being angry I was actually in awe of what a good job Michelle did considering she's only 3 years old! The bangs were a tad short, granted, but relatively straight and even and didn't look half bad. It could have been A LOT worse. I called my Mom and she was in shock. She had no idea.<br />
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"What?! You didn't notice?! Well can you check the living room because there must be a CHUNK OF HAIR lying somewhere!" Of course with all the cat fur floating around Mom probably wouldn't even notice. <br />
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I asked Michelle how she managed to do it & she showed me she just grabbed a chunk of hair in front of her face and snipped. I was flabbergasted. I had given her craft scissors that were plastic, kid-safe and meant to cut paper, not hair. I didn't think they could cut hair. They can't. It turns out Michelle didn't use those. The next time we were at Grandma's Michelle showed me the scissors she'd used instead -- small, sharp hair-cutting scissors that she'd pilfered from Grandma's desk caddy filled with pens, reading glasses and sundry sharp weapons apparently. Thank God Michelle hadn't hurt herself. My Mom kept going on about how cute Michelle looked, what a good job she'd done, how nice it was to have her hair out of her face. "But YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT!" I exclaimed. Michelle said she wanted to be a hairstylist when she grew up. If she's this talented at 3 years I imagine she'll be Edward Scissorhands by the time she's an adult.<br />
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I made my Mom hide the non-kid-friendly scissors where Michelle can't see or reach them EVER AGAIN. I'm not sure which part of the whole ordeal distresses me the most. My Mom just mostly finds it funny and is happy with Michelle's hair being out of her face. I can almost see the humour in the situation. And in my Mom's defense, Michelle is actually quite mature for her age. In some ways you don't feel like you have to watch her like a hawk because she doesn't tend to do dangerous things. Even as a baby she was playing with objects with small parts and never put them in her mouth. She showed no interest in hazardous materials (though I did keep things out of reach.) Michelle knew about the stove being hot and steered clear (I also wouldn't let her anywhere near it!) Sometimes Michelle acts so grown up that you forget she is only 3 years old. Plus no one imagined she'd do something random like sneak a pair of sharp scissors and start a career in hair design. She hadn't done anything like that before.<br />
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So now when I drop Michelle off at Grandma's, I'm always a little afraid the next time I see her she'll have her ears pierced or a tattoo or something. (I'm sort of kidding.) I joked with my Mom that maybe I should find a safer babysitter. Like JACK THE RIPPER, perhaps! (I am kidding. I know my parents love her, almost as much as I do. And are careful most of the time. I just worry. Now more so.)<br />
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Mom reminds me that as a child I sneaked into her room and cut up photos and necklaces in her jewelry box. I was only 2 years old. My response is "AND WHY PRAY TELL DID I HAVE ACCESS TO SCISSORS AT TWO YEARS OLD?!" Mom has other stories about all of us hurting ourselves or getting into dangerous mischief as kids (like my brothers smashing glasses with a rolling pin, Mikey burning himself on the stove, eating live bugs etc. Her attitude is "Sh*& happens when you have kids!" Mine is more "SH*& HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING!" To be fair my Mom had more distractions -- other kids, a hubby and her mother to worry about. I only have Michelle. She gets all of my attention so I'm able to keep an eagle eye on her and mostly keep her out of harm's way. And even with that she does get hurt now and then. Mostly from running -- a scrape on her knee from falling at the park, a bump on her head from running into a door or wall, rug burn on her arm or leg from slipping on the stairs. Of course I do warn her. "Don't run! You're going to get hurt!" and then she does. Thankfully, knock on wood, it's never been serious enough to warrant a trip to the emergency room. A bump that lasts a day, a tiny cut -- A Sponge Bob Band-aid or a minute with the freezer monkey on her boo boo and she's all fixed up. Of course you can't bubble wrap your kids and if you don't let them run amok and be kids, don't let them explore and take some risks, they can't learn and grow. It's a tough balance. For the most part I'll err on the side of caution.<br />
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Michelle is my opposite in some ways. When I was a kid I was painfully shy. Even as an adult I'm not an overly social person. In a million years I wouldn't dream of walking up to a random stranger and saying hello. (Perhaps this is why I like the internet. You don't actually have to "talk" to anyone and somehow you can have 6K followers on Twitter.) Michelle on the other hand is EXTREMELY outgoing, friendly, overly social and fearless. She is as confident as I was insecure. She insists on making friends with just about everyone she encounters. It's not so bad when it's a kid her own age in the park. She's met some nice ones -- this boy was one of the sweetest. He was so polite, kind and well-mannered.<br />
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"Can I help you with that?" he asked as she dug in the sand. He was so patient, did whatever she asked him, willing to follow her lead even though she's a year his junior. Good sport that he is he even posed for a photo. (I didn't ask him to but Michelle was posing and he followed suit.) I ADORE this kid! Unfortunately, as Michelle has discovered, not all kids are quite this nice. Some a little rude, selfish, unwilling to share, bossy. Some just completely ignore her (sometimes she approaches an older child saying "Hi! What's your name?" and they look at her like she's from outer space and walk away. I told her she has to be careful, especially with older kids and to never talk to strangers. She knows never to let a stranger near her and knows to defend herself -- kicking and screaming -- if necessary. She's remarkably strong and VERY LOUD for a little girl. I pity the fool that would try to mess with her.<br />
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Michelle's friendliness does concern me. She'll smile, wave and say hello to people at Walmart. She'll smile and wave at passing motorists. Every time she sees someone walking a dog she wants to say hi and pet the dog. I tell her it's OK if I'm with her and she asks the owner if it's OK first but sometimes I try to dissuade her (if and when the dog and/or owner look a little scary.) Images of a man in a white van "Want to see my puppies?" flash across my mind and I shudder.<br />
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I try to explain to Michelle that there are bad people out there and that you really can't tell them from the good ones. One time we were in the drive-through at Tim Hortons. An employee was moving some boxes at the back of the store and walked past the drive through. "Is that man a nice man or a bad man?" Michelle asked.<br />
"I don't know!" I told her, "he's working. He's a stranger. That's the point. You DON'T know. That's why you DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS! They might look nice or look mean but you really can't tell by looking!" She knows about the "Hans" principle. You can't judge a book by its cover (well sometimes you can. Frankly some people you just look at them and think "Serial killer" and if someone really gives you the creeps it's probably best to avoid them but that doesn't mean that just because someone seems attractive or pleasant that they're good. I explained to Michelle that she's safe with Mama and the rest of her family but to NEVER go off with a stranger. EVER! No matter what they say, just stay away. Stay safe! And if someone tries to grab you -- SCREAM, kick, punch, whatever it takes!"<br />
"Well that man must be nice because he's carrying boxes," Michelle reasoned.<br />
What absurd kind of logic is that?!<br />
"No. You don't know. You just don't take the chance. Don't talk to strangers. NEVER go off with a stranger. No matter what they say!"<br />
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I remember walking home from school with my brothers when I was a kid and suddenly a car pulled up beside us. The woman smiled and offered us a ride. I shook my head and started trying to usher my brothers away but they were going over to the car and getting in. My eyes wide, chest clenched, I sat in the backseat with them, unable to breathe, wanting to scream "NOOOO! We're in a stranger's car! We're going to die!" Instead she dropped us off at our house. It turned out to be the Mom of one of my brothers' friends but I didn't know and I had gotten into her car against my better judgement. I couldn't let my brothers go alone. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't scream (it would have been humiliating and she would've thought I was a psycho) because she did turn out to be OK. But it went against everything I'd been taught and believed. Don't talk to strangers. And NEVER get into their car!<br />
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The weather continued to warm up. One day it even went up to 24 degrees Celsius! I decided to go to the beach. Not to swim of course but we could sit by the water, play in the sand. We headed to our fave beach. It's not quite the same without the palm trees (they always arrive in late May) but it was still nice. We weren't the only ones there either. Several others had the same idea. Some of them even went IN THE WATER! We didn't go any deeper than our feet and just got water in our pails to make sandcastles with.<br />
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Michelle and I had a race across the beach. I couldn't believe how fast she can go! I had intended to let her win (I usually do when we play games etc) but I didn't even have to throw the race. She beat me fair and square! I couldn't keep up. Running on sand is a Hell of a workout. I almost couldn't breathe and she was just laughing like she could have gone another 2 kilometers, no problem!<br />
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While at the beach Michelle saw a boy and asked if she could go over and say hi to him. I glanced over. "I'd rather you didn't," I told her. He was older than her, more than twice her age and did not look nice. He was kind of a rough looking kid with scruffy hair, a scowl on his face, a black t-shirt and kicking sand. Unafraid, Michelle marched over to him and introduced herself "Hi! I'm Michelle!" It was so awkward. I felt sick to my stomach. It was like a lamb marching up to a lion and batting her eyelashes "How are you?" At least he didn't lunge at her or anything. Instead, he completely ignored her. She was persistent. "Hi!" she tried again. As cheerily as she could, standing in front of his line of vision so he had no choice but to acknowledge her. I was cringing. He wouldn't speak to her, wouldn't look at her. It was like she didn't exist. Or he was terrified of her. Then the boy literally ran away from her and found a group of boys closer to his age who were playing with trucks in the sand. She walked back to me looking defeated, her shoulders slumped. "He didn't want to play with me," she pouted. I was thinking "Thank God!" but I said "Michelle -- you can't make friends with EVERYONE. Some kids, especially older ones, especially boys, may not want to play with you. Or they might be shy. Or they might be mean. You just have to let it go. Try to focus on kids closer to your own age." (Preferably who don't look like angry serial killers in training.)<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sf-yG-DD538/Vyr6n2yWfnI/AAAAAAAAKDY/ou0wDpjHD4IgesSFhmwpUssZfBytF3YegCLcB/s1600/DSCN9143.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sf-yG-DD538/Vyr6n2yWfnI/AAAAAAAAKDY/ou0wDpjHD4IgesSFhmwpUssZfBytF3YegCLcB/s320/DSCN9143.JPG" width="244" /></a>Though I love Spring it does bring a lot of (back-breaking) yard work with it. My grass was in dire need of rescuing. I was outside for hours raking and it didn't even seem to make a difference (though I filled 5 yard waste bags with straw.) Michelle wanted to help. Somehow the chores that make me grind my teeth are a magical wonderland of fun to her. So I let her try to help, a little. Careful not to let her injure herself with the rake. I was happy to find out later that raking the lawn burns 200 calories an hour. I enjoyed a late night snack with those extra 400 calories that night!<br />
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I told Michelle that once we were into May I'd get some flowers for the planters and garden and she could help me plant them. Just something cheap and cheerful to add some colour.<br />
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Michelle and I both love our visits to Auntie May's. Like Michelle and I, my niece Shannon is an artist who loves to draw. She also loves reading, writing and is a budding filmmaker who has created a series of brilliant stop motion videos with her Pullip dolls. Recently I was happy to collaborate on a music video with her. One night when I couldn't sleep I had an idea to write a song about being a doll and maybe Shannon could make a video for it. So I got up, picked up my guitar and (very quietly) wrote the song "Doll." Shannon created a stop motion video to go with my performance. Aside from just being a cute video about a doll, it's a metaphor for a girl who is afraid to show her real self, to reveal her emotions, who pretends not to feel anything, to just be pretty and perfect.<br />
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Here's the video on Youtube:<br />
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Doll -- video</div>
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Every Spring there's a children's educational fair where various booths are set up with games/attractions for kids and resources for parents. They usually have people dressed up in costumes as Disney characters, superheros etc. This year we were thrilled to see a host of Disney Princesses, performing and posing for photo ops.<br />
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Geek that I am I sat in the front row, with the kids, singing along to all the Princess songs. Especially as Elsa belted out "Let it go!" I'm just a big kid at heart. Michelle had a great time meeting the princesses, building a toolbox (Home Depot provided the kit and we worked on it together. I even let her hammer a bit -- after I had the nails in 90%), getting balloons, playing games, meeting snakes and lizards, building a wall, having her face painted etc. At one point Batman asked her for a high five and Michelle hit his palm so hard she almost broke his arm. "Wow!" he said, "You're really STRONG!" Coming from a superhero this is high praise indeed. (And she is unbelievably strong for a kid!)<br />
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Cute and/or cheesy photo ops are my jam so I was in my glory, snapping away like a fiend. Belle was my favourite Princess. Really gorgeous, natural, could have been the real Belle. Not only did I get a dozen shots of Michelle with the Disney Princesses, I couldn't resist getting in a couple of shots myself. I have no shame when it comes to selfies with Disney Princesses! The fair organizers even had a station set up where you could dress up with silly accessories and they'd take your photo free of charge as a souvenir of the fair. I loved it. I take so many photos but rarely print them. I'm a couple of years behind when it comes to printing for Michelle's baby albums.<br />
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Michelle and I put on matching feather boas, she took a magic wand and I held a mask. Michelle was happy with her butterfly makeup. She asked if she could keep it forever. I told her that no, she'd have to wash it off before bed, otherwise it would end up on her pillow anyway. Dressing up and wearing makeup are two of Michelle's favourite things. I let her keep it on for the rest of the day anyway. I was surprised she didn't even get it smudged.<br />
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I've thought of getting Michelle into acting/modelling. She's such a character and I know she'd love it. I just don't know a lot about it and I'd be wary of scam artists. When I was younger I was approached by a couple of people about modelling. Some were just modelling "schools" -- agencies who wanted an exorbitant amount of money for lessons, photos etc. It seemed like a scam to me and I steered clear. When I was older I did get an agent and got a few acting/modelling gigs but gave up on it after a year. The difficulty of getting to auditions etc downtown Toronto only to face rejection just became too discouraging. I tend to give things a half a$$ed effort and give up when the going gets tough. I suppose if I was serious about being an actress I would have moved to Hollywood. I wasn't quite that daring.<br />
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Michelle has star quality. She loves to sing and dance. She's very dramatic. She will make up her own little plays. She performs her own original songs. She loves dressing up, putting on makeup and dancing and strutting around. I know it can be a tough industry, especially for kids. More than anything I want Michelle to be happy. If I think something is good for her, I'll try to make it happen. If I think it's a bad thing, I'll steer clear. She's an amazing girl and I believe she could do just about anything she wanted to. And she has her whole life ahead of her to live out all of her dreams.<br />
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I had planned to post a blog in April about February and March. I kept putting it off and then when I started it it was taking too long and kept getting put off so more time would go by and there would be more photos to include and it was a vicious cycle! I didn't think I'd taken many photos in the winter but apparently I was wrong! So now we're into May and April wound up getting included so it's taken even longer. I used to be able to just sit down and write a blog post in one or two sittings. Now I can only seem to carve out a few minutes here and there. Not enough time to do much but post a few pics and write a few lines. Then when I was almost done the blog I tried to log in to proofread and add some finishing touches when I got an error message: 502 or something! The site was down. Between computer issues, internet problems and not having enough time to myself, it'll be a miracle if I get to post this at all! Still, as challenging as it may be, this is a labour of love for me and I'm determined to continue as long as I can. Maybe I'll try not to leave so long until the next post so it's not so overwhelming trying to catch up! Maybe I'll do a post about May in June... There's already so much in May I want to talk about & the month isn't even half over!<br />
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Another reason some people have told me that I shouldn't post pictures of Michelle online and write this blog is that my ex has no right to see us or know about our lives. While I agree on some level, there is also a part of me that thinks -- Sure. He may be curious. He may read this. Well, let him look! Let him see that we're doing just fine without him, thank you. They say that "living well is the best revenge." It's not always easy by any means, but we're happy. It's a beautiful life and one that he doesn't get to share. Of course I don't know if he's even interested or curious. He may not read this. Maybe we were just a bump in his road and he's moved on, forgotten about us, doesn't think of us at all. Or maybe he's haunted. Maybe he cries himself to sleep over all he's given up... Sure. Could happen!<br />
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If he does read this I'd like to say thank you for the incredible gift you left me (Michelle is the best thing that ever happened to me) and thanks for the gift of your absence. You would have been a toxic father. You had so many issues, it was a struggle to take care of yourself let alone anyone else and you may have been more of a burden than a help to us. Maybe you knew that. Maybe your leaving was an act of love. Maybe you knew we were better off without you. If you love someone, set them free. I'd like to believe that. And when Michelle asks someday, that's what I'll tell her. I'll show her the photos of you. I'll tell her she got her name, her pretty blue eyes, some of her wit, her fire and her love of monsters from you. Tell her how you kissed my belly while I was pregnant and called her Michelle. Tell her that you loved us in your own way but you had to go. I'll never say a bad word about you because you're still half of who she is and I want her to love herself. For all your flaws you had some wonderful qualities and she has them too. Thank you for my beautiful, extraordinary girl. I can't hate you because without you she wouldn't have existed.<br />
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I have no regrets. To unravel my past, even the crazy and stupid parts, would undo everything. Ironically while I'm such a cautious person overall, I've had my moments of recklessness where I followed my heart whatever the cost. They led me to bliss. Somehow, when the control freak in me dared to surrender control and throw caution to the wind, I was blessed with some of the best moments of my life.<br />
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Despite the challenges I've been through, the heartbreaks and sacrifices, I wouldn't trade this for the world. I love being a Mom. I'm grateful for it. I'll tell Michelle you weren't a bad man, just a broken boy who never really felt loved and didn't know how to have a happily ever after. You left us so that we could have one. And we are...<br />
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Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-36942324519896351172016-02-02T20:03:00.001-05:002016-02-04T04:52:09.797-05:00Holidazed....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I LOVE Christmas -- sparkly lights on the tree, the magic, the carols, feelings of peace and love, spending time with family. I hate Christmas -- the expense, the stress, the self-imposed pressure to make it a perfect Hallmark card (even though you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and would almost prefer to just cancel the whole winter season) and the inevitable melancholy/letdown when it's all over. All the work and the worry, preparation, anticipation and then it's gone in a blur and you're left dazed. Holidazed. Wondering how it, like just about everything else in life, ended so fast. Months and months of waiting for one day. Then it's gone. <br />
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Having Michelle made Christmas fun again. It was exciting as a child when I looked forward to opening toys on Christmas morning. As an adult, it loses a little of its lustre. Somehow opening another sweater or pair of socks (no matter how cozy and welcome they may be on a cold Winter's day) doesn't elicit quite the same thrill as a doll or a teddy bear used to. Now I get to relive the childhood wonder of Christmas again, through Michelle. So I spoiled her. Of course. For one thing I love shopping at Toys R Us (even before having kids!) Now I have the perfect excuse! I started buying gifts months in advance. Any time I'd be out somewhere and see something on sale that I thought she'd like, I couldn't resist. Fairly early on she had requested her main present: Starlily the magical Unicorn. A cute but pricey little animatronic toy. I refused to pay full retail but I started to worry it may not go on sale in time for Christmas. Then I saw it in a flyer, almost half price. So I had to get it. Unfortunately Michelle was with me at the time so I very creatively stacked up the items in my cart to hide the enormous box (draping clothes over it etc.) Still, there was one small corner peeking through and Michelle exclaimed "MY UNICORN!! YOU GOT IT!" She wanted it right away. I explained to her that there was NO WAY she was getting it until Christmas. "Try to forget about it." I said. There was still a month to go, maybe she would. She didn't. She brought it up several times, asking to see it, play with it. I was adamant. I did give her several presents ahead of Christmas but I wouldn't budge on that one. <br />
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Michelle pretty much got everything she asked for, or even mentioned in passing. The beauty of buying for kids is that you can get a lot of gifts for under $10. I got a lot of things even at the Dollar Store. When she's older she'll be asking for name brand clothes & expensive electronics so I figure I'll enjoy this time while even a $1 jar of Play Doh and a $5 stuffed toy is appreciated. <br />
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Santa got off pretty easy at our house. Michelle had already asked me for most of the things she wanted for Christmas so when I finally took her to see Santa in mid-December there wasn't much left to ask him for. She'd asked for bears, books, cats, dolls, etc. Then all of a sudden Michelle announced that she loved dragons and wanted one. As luck would have it, I actually had a Ty Beanie Baby one of my own (I used to collect Beanie Babies long before I knew I'd ever have a child. I was a kid at heart!) and gave that to her. She was thrilled with it but then she thought the dragon would be lonely and needed a sister. So she was going to ask Santa for a "sister dragon." Hopefully he would know what she meant. <br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6fPaErYyOU/VqW7b55fybI/AAAAAAAAI6s/SokU512oj2E/s1600/with%2BSanta%2B2015%2BII.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6fPaErYyOU/VqW7b55fybI/AAAAAAAAI6s/SokU512oj2E/s320/with%2BSanta%2B2015%2BII.jpg" width="320" /></a>I decided to take Michelle to see Santa in Oakville. It was a day that I had to work nightshift and I was dropping her off at my Mom's but I went a little early, had her all dressed up in a red Christmas gown and headed to Oakville Place. It was 3 pm. I figured that was plenty of time to see Santa then drop Michelle and my Mom off before heading to work at 4:30 pm. But I wasn't accounting for Murphy's Law...Santa's hours were from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday to Friday. I made sure it wasn't dog day (the year before I tried taking Michelle to see Santa at Oakville Place and managed to pick the ONE DAY that he was only seeing dogs & cats for their portraits, not humans! What were the odds I'd pick the one day he's seeing pets?!) So this time, on a regular human day, I figured I had a 90% chance of us getting to see Santa. He'd probably take a lunch break around 1 pm or a dinner break at 5. Even if there was a line I figured it wouldn't be more than an hour. My Mom could walk around and shop while Michelle & I saw Santa & then we'd go home. We get to the mall at 3 pm and lo and behold there is a sign saying "Back at 3:40 pm. Santa is feeding his reindeer." As luck would have it, Santa had JUST LEFT FOR HIS BREAK when I got to the mall. Facepalm. OK so now I have to entertain Michelle for 40 minutes in the mall while she's wearing a fancy dress. This should be good. "It's Murphy's Law," I sighed, realizing that no matter what time I got to the mall, morning or night, that would be the precise moment that Santa would take his break. Because that's just how my life works. <br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Sb-kAibW-DY/VqW7ZXZNfBI/AAAAAAAAI6c/qdFt14pkVsw/s1600/RSCN6531.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Sb-kAibW-DY/VqW7ZXZNfBI/AAAAAAAAI6c/qdFt14pkVsw/s320/RSCN6531.JPG" width="320" /></a>As expected, Michelle was running amok and driving me batty within 5 minutes. At least we found a Minion and got a picture with him. (A kind stranger even offered to take a photo of both of us.) I did some shopping. I even found a little red dragon (a sister!) for Michelle's other dragon when she wasn't looking. The perfect gift for Santa to give her. So at 3:40 we head back to Santa's throne & I notice (to my horror) that the clock on the sign has been changed. Now Santa's not going to be back until 4 pm?!!! I was LIVID. There was no one waiting but I figured we better stand there and at least have first place in line or Michelle won't get to see him AT ALL because I have to leave for work. A line-up quickly formed behind us. I tried to seem non-chalant about it. Michelle was losing patience. "Mama it's taking TOO LONG!" "I know but Santa's still feeding his reindeer, honey." Inside I was cursing Santa and his ill-timed lunch/dinner break. Michelle started running amok and throwing the artificial snow (cotton batten) around. "Michelle. Don't wreck the display honey. You'll get in trouble." Meanwhile I was thinking it would serve them right for making us wait. I kept telling Michelle to keep still and she wouldn't. Then another little girl, about Michelle's size but probably a year or two older stood in front of me and said "She doesn't listen very well, does she?" "No," I agreed, "she doesn't." The girl's mother whispered to her that that wasn't very nice but it made me smile anyway. All the other kids were standing in line quite patiently. Michelle was trying to make snow balls out of the cotton batten & it was getting stuck to her dress. My eye was twitching. I checked the time again. It was suddenly clear to me why Santa is Satan scrambled. Finally we heard a bell in the distance and it was Santa heading over with a couple of elves. "I hope you weren't waiting long!" he said to no one in particular. "Since 3," I answered, glaring. <br />
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At least the photos went well. Michelle isn't shy anymore. She actually smiled, looked right at Santa, talked to him, told him she wanted a sister dragon. I was thrilled with the photos (and they were worth the wait) but now I had to rush Michelle back to Grandma's, get her changed and head out to work nightshift. <br />
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As a child, I never got to believe in Santa. Mom said she refused to "lie" to us. Christmas was Jesus' birthday and that was that. I loved Jesus of course yet I always felt like I missed out a little. While the other kids were talking about Santa I just had to nod and smile (I didn't want to spoil it for them.) I figured I would let Michelle have both. She had a book about the Christmas story and knew about Jesus being born in a manger but I didn't see the harm in her enjoying the legend of Saint Nicholas too. "She won't know the true meaning of Christmas!" my Mom admonished. So I got Michelle to draw the Nativity for my Mom and write "Happy Birthday Jesus." That got Mom off my back anyway.<br />
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I started getting into the Christmas spirit full force in November. It's a family tradition to put the tree up in November (my Mom always did and I followed suit.) When you have an artificial tree I figure you might as well enjoy it for as long as you can (BEFORE Christmas that is, after Christmas I find it depressing and can't wait to be rid of it. I took my tree down on December 27th.) Michelle helped me decorate the tree. Of course it didn't look much like Christmas outside. Not that I was complaining. I'm not a fan of snow so I was glad it was late in coming. The problem was that most days were just cold, grey, rainy and depressing. We kept busy playing, having fancy Princess balls etc. One night when I was feeling adventurous I even took Michelle to a movie -- "The Good Dinosaur." It went really well. We both enjoyed it.<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mgBEEiKvL-4/VqXCRc_1PnI/AAAAAAAAI7c/txxy1GBNzi8/s1600/DSCN6471.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mgBEEiKvL-4/VqXCRc_1PnI/AAAAAAAAI7c/txxy1GBNzi8/s200/DSCN6471.JPG" width="176" /></a><br />
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And whenever there was a nice day we took advantage and played outside. What were the odds of being able to ride your bike in December?! Maybe it was global warming. It was kind of bizarre but I wasn't complaining. I was actually hoping we'd just never get any snow at all (especially since I didn't invest in snow tires this year.) Well maybe a little bit on Christmas day would be nice. How can you resist a "White Christmas?" <br />
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Winter has always been tough for me but it was only fairly recently that I admitted to myself I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I hate the cold, the snow, the long, bleak, grey days without sunshine. It drags me down. It makes me feel tired and weak and irritable. It drains my motivation to exercise and eat right. In 2014 I managed to lose 20 lbs in the Spring and Summer (with a diet and a grueling exercise regimen of aerobics and strength training) and then gained most of it back in the winter (when I stopped exercising at all and stuffed my face with whatever I liked.) So in 2015 I was determined not to let that happen again. The problem is I couldn't seem to bring myself to work out anymore and the cold weather makes me crave comfort food. I decided to go a little easier on myself (no strict diet, hard core aerobics or weight lifting) but still exercise every single day and count calories/try to eat healthy/sensibly overall. I started doing yoga again. It helps me find my Zen for a little while anyway (even though Michelle often interrupts me!) It also helps to lift my mood. I've managed to maintain my weight for the most part. Even with many cheat days over the holidays. <br />
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Of course Yoga is more than merely physical exercise. It is spiritual as well. It helps me to feel stronger, more balanced, more connected. Though I wish I could hold onto that feeling ALL DAY no matter what is going on around me (I haven't quite mastered that yet. I still get stressed out about things beyond my control -- which is just about everything!) at least while I am doing Yoga I feel at peace. While it is not strenuous, it is still a good workout. It uses all of your muscles, without straining or injuring them. It takes great strength to be able to balance and hold the poses, especially the headstand. It's my favourite pose. It took me years of practice to achieve it but it's like riding a bike, once you get it, you never lose it. As a single Mom most of my time is spent taking care of someone else. Yoga is one of the few things I do for me. I've realized I do need to take care of myself too. The key is to find a form of exercise that you enjoy so you'll keep doing it. And develop a diet that isn't too restrictive because if it feels like a punishment, you won't stick to it. And as soon as you stop, you gain all the weight back. <br />
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I tried to make the season fun for Michelle. She wanted to play in the snow. When there wasn't any, I had to get creative. We made crafts, played with Play Doh, did puzzles etc. Going Christmas shopping was dangerous if Michelle was with me. I had a hard time saying no. "Mama can you get this?" and I'd think, oh Hell it's only $5, sure. Except that if you do that 10 times, it's $50. I just remember being a kid and asking my Mom for things when we were out and the answer was always no. I try to give Michelle "Yes" as often as I can. One of the things she picked out was this little Magic Christmas Tree. It starts out as just a cardboard tree then you pour the solution on it and overnight it puffs up into a little Christmas tree. (It's just salt crystallizing in ammonia but it's pretty magical to a kid. Even to me!) <br />
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Michelle made Christmas cards for Grandma & Grandpa, Auntie May and me. She's gotten very good at writing letters. She recognizes all the letters and writes them all perfectly except that sometimes her "S" comes out backwards but it's cute that way I think. <br />
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Michelle loves to draw and write and is eager to learn. She's almost finished her a workbook on the alphabet and I got her one on numbers. She is a bit of a perfectionist though and gets frustrated with herself when she can't do something perfectly right away. I tell her that it's OK. She's just learning. She's only 3 years old. I encourage and praise her constantly to boost her confidence, let her win at games etc but maybe I've gone too far. One day I heard her tell my Mom "I KNOW that Grandma! I know EVERYTHING!" After I stopped laughing I told her that while she does know an awful lot for her age that she certainly doesn't know EVERYTHING. No one does. Even at a ripe old age. There is more to know than anyone can ever know. That's the beauty of life. You never stop learning. <br />
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Michelle and I both look forward to visits at Auntie May's. Michelle always has a ball playing with her cousin Reggie and I always laugh my head off talking to May. We all went downstairs and played Hide and Seek as a group. Michelle's Hide and Seek game is not strong (as you can see). <br />
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There is a lot of room to run around at Auntie May's and Michelle LOVES running amok. She pulls Reggie, Shannon and even me into her games. She doesn't give you a choice. It's amazing how strong she is. She can pull someone twice or even three times her size! She pulls poor Shannon around like a ragdoll. Shannon is so shy and soft-spoken compared to Michelle who is loud and outgoing. Michelle tries to boss everyone around. She usually gets her way. Part of it may be my fault for indulging her so much but I also think it's a Leo quality to be a natural born leader. She will rule the world!<br />
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Michelle was extremely excited about Christmas. She kept asking every day if it was Christmas yet. She loved opening the windows in her Advent Calendar each day and having a little chocolate. And I let her open several presents ahead of time because I knew Christmas Day would be sheer chaos and the fewer things to open the better. Plus she'd have more time to enjoy her toys ahead of time.<br />
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On Christmas morning we came downstairs in our pjs and found two presents under the tree. I read the tags: "To Michelle From: Santa" and "To Ann Marie From Santa." She got the "dragon sister" she asked Santa for and I got a bath gift set. She was so excited I think she was more excited over that one present than everything I gave her. It was worth it to see the wonder in her eyes. "Santa came!" Then I brought down the rest of her gifts. <br />
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Michelle actually wound up having four Christmases...1) On Christmas Eve with me (I wanted her to open and enjoy half her presents the day before because on Christmas we were heading to my Mom's and I knew there wouldn't be much time to play with her new toys.) 2) On Christmas morning, just her and me. 3) Later on Christmas day (afternoon/evening) with Grandma & Grandpa. 4) The day after Christmas with the whole gang at Auntie May's. <br />
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Of course Murphy's Law can't let a special occasion go by without ruining it. Usually at least one of us is sick for Christmas. This year Michelle caught a cold. The day before. Her nose was running non-stop and was red to match her red dress. She was still in good spirits and loved her presents on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day she started to run out of steam. She was utterly exhausted by the time we got to my Mom's. <br />
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Michelle fell asleep on the ride to my Mom's and was a little groggy even while we were there. She had to lie down while she was opening her presents but she was happy with everything from Grandma and Grandpa. I was feeling pretty groggy myself after a rough night with Michelle crying about her runny nose. A kid with a runny nose is the WORST. At one point I thought she'd had a breakthrough and learned how to blow her own nose but then she would never do it again. So of course it would drip and drip and we'd go through 3 boxes of Kleenexes and it was sheer Hell. Merry Friggin Christmas. I guess it was better than vomiting and/or diarrhea (which was my own personal nightmare LAST Christmas.) There always seems to be something at this time of year. Some people insist "You don't catch a cold from the cold," but fail to explain why people get more colds, flu etc in the Winter. <br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FS5uFAbClcM/VqbAKCbHeyI/AAAAAAAAJFI/xA_Cvz0fuEI/s1600/DSCN6964.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FS5uFAbClcM/VqbAKCbHeyI/AAAAAAAAJFI/xA_Cvz0fuEI/s320/DSCN6964.JPG" width="236" /></a>The next day was the big party with THE WHOLE GANG. Michelle was still sick but at least seemed to have more energy and was excited to go to Auntie May's and see all her cousins. I was worried about her getting others sick but the reality is we're a big family. With 7 kids, odds are at least 1 (or 3 or 5!) will be sick at any given time. I know once Michelle goes to school it will be an uphill battle to keep her from catching EVERYTHING. A room full of kids is like Germopolis! I remember the last time I took her to the doctor with a fever/flu/cold and the doctor said "It's actually not a bad thing when kids get sick because it builds up their immunity." I guess. It's still Hell on wheels when you're dealing with it. Especially during the holidays. I was worried she was going to look like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer in all her pictures but looking back now you can't really tell. At least she didn't have any bumps on her head (that's the other Murphy's Law before special occasions. Kids will usually fall and bang their heads into a wall or something.)<br />
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Christmas with the whole family is always CHAOTIC to say the least. So many people, so much noise, so much going on. It's a blur of family and food, presents opening, kids running amok, laughter, conversation and before you know it, it's over. Everyone is packing up their things and getting ready to go. This year we celebrated my dad's birthday and Christmas on the same day. My dad's birth name was Christmas in Italian -- Natale. He changed it to Tony when he moved to Canada. Mostly so people wouldn't call him Natalie.<br />
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It was late December when the snow finally arrived. Michelle was thrilled. "It's SNOWING Mama!" I was less than enthused. "Oh great." I went out to shovel the driveway. Michelle wanted to help. She was eager to play in the snow. There wasn't a lot but it was enough and it was packing snow (a little freezing rain mixed in made it stick together) so we were actually able to build a little snowman and snow kitty.<br />
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The snow is NOT my thing whatsoever but I feel obligated to grin and bear it for Michelle's sake. So I play with her in the snow and I look forward to when she wants to go back in to warm up and have some hot chocolate (truly the only part of the whole experience that I actually enjoy.) Every time it snows Michelle wants to play outside and I can't say no. I roll my eyes, bundle us up and head out, kneeling in the snow, trying to make a snowman (even when it's not packing snow and it just falls apart in your hands) until my fingers and legs are numb. Because that's love. I found a new snowsuit for Michelle on sale but I couldn't seem to find adult snow pants at a reasonable price so I just wear two layers of track pants (and the snow soaks right through so I basically freeze my butt off, literally until we can go back inside and get changed!)<br />
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Michelle loves when I pull her on her little Frozen sled. It's exhausting but I run around with her until I'm ready to pass out. One day we'll have to try tobogganing on a big hill but I'm not sure our little sled would hold both of us going down a hill! I may have to get a real sled for that. Some people love winter sports -- skiing, snowboarding etc. I've never tried or had an interest. Number one because they're expensive and number two: I HATE SNOW!!!<br />
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The bottom line is I can put up with just about anything if it meets these three conditions: 1) It makes Michelle happy. 2) It's cute. 3) It makes a great photo op! I'm a photoholic and I can't resist a photo op (as evidenced by the hundreds, make that THOUSANDS of pictures I've shared in this blog, on Twitter etc.) Time goes by so fast, even the winter. I feel obligated to capture every moment. Michelle is growing so fast it's scary. She's not a baby anymore. Of course she'll ALWAYS be my baby. <br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xDVmEjT7-ZQ/VqcICA6HMpI/AAAAAAAAJLs/MMErDHeF7NQ/s1600/DSCN7186.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xDVmEjT7-ZQ/VqcICA6HMpI/AAAAAAAAJLs/MMErDHeF7NQ/s320/DSCN7186.JPG" width="240" /></a>Michelle's new thing recently is asking me if she's a teenager. Every day she asks "Am I a teenager yet?" as if somehow magically overnight she would have been transformed. Every day I remind her that no she's not and she won't be for another 10 years! I tell her to enjoy this time while she's still a kid because this is the most fun, carefree time of her life, with no responsibilities and nothing to do but play. "Why do you want to be a teenager?" I asked her. "So I could stay up late, wear makeup, do whatever I want." "Well you already do that and you don't even need to be a teen!" <br />
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I shudder to think what Michelle will be like when she's a teen. She's starting to get the teen attitude already. She's already a Diva, loves makeup, fashion, is moody, has to have her way and thinks she knows everything. Even the sarcasm has started. If you ask or tell her something she doesn't agree with or approve of she'll say "Ooooooookaaaay." She rolls her eyes and says "Oh brother!" and "Oh boy!" One day she asked me to get something for her and then when I got it right she said "That's TOTALLY the one I meant!" I mean, like totally. Some phrases she picks up from me. "Oh dear!" "Not helping!" and "Awkward!" are some of mine. I'm REALLY careful not to drop F-bombs around her! That's the last thing I need to have her saying! Other phrases she picks up from TV/movies: "It happens, happens a lot!" "Dude! I am OUTTA here!" But some she just makes up on her own. Like "Phew-sers!" (It's like saying Phew but with an attitude.) "Where did you learn that one?" I asked. "I made it up!" she told me. Some of her other daily phrases are "Am I a teenager YET?!" and "You're the funniest, cutest, sweetest Mama EVER!" (which is my personal favourite!) Some of her sayings are random & make no sense: "This is funner than a grasshopper in a bowl!" "This is funner than a pickle in a beanbag!" Yes. My kid is weird. I try to discourage her from saying "That's stupid!" I explained that especially when you're referring to people it's VERY rude to call them stupid and that she should say "silly" instead if they're doing something ridiculous. Then she called her Grandpa an "idiot." He laughed it off but I told her never to talk like that. (Unfortunately I let a few "stupid idiots!" slip now and then. Particularly when I'm driving. But it's hard enough holding back the F-bombs. I don't know if I have enough restraint to hold back when someone makes a bonehead move like cutting me off suddenly and slamming on the brakes or changing lanes without signaling or looking to see that the lane isn't clear and nearly killing us. I do a lot of commuting and unfortunately there are a lot of...silly people on the road.<br />
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One day Michelle asked me for a tablet! I said "You're only THREE years old! And I'm not even entirely sure what a tablet IS!" I don't even have a tablet or any of the other fancy gadgets most people seem to have these days. I'm sure before long she'll be teaching me about them. I'm a little more modern than my Mom anyway. She doesn't even have a COMPUTER. I have a laptop, though it's old, on its last legs and keeps freezing/shutting down...I keep putting off getting a new one. I'm also putting off getting the dishwasher fixed. The credit card bills rolling in after Christmas were bad enough!<br />
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For one little girl Michelle can make a LOT of noise. No one could accuse her of being quiet! She's a one woman band -- she'll drum on anything in sight, play her little recorder/flute (it's annoying as HELL!) and sing her own little songs. Sometimes I'd ask her "Where did you learn that song?" thinking it was from a TV show or something. "I made it up myself," she explained. Though it was just one verse repeated over and over, I was impressed that she is already showing an interest in songwriting. Considering I've written close to 1000 songs myself, she may have gotten it from me! She was belting out one of her little tunes, "Queen of the Stars" and even let me record her singing it. (I finally had to just turn the camera off. I don't know how long she would have kept going. Maybe forever.) In case there is any doubt, Michelle IS the Queen of the Stars. And she's the only one.<br />
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Here is the video from Youtube:<br />
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Michelle singing her original song "Queen of the Stars"<br />
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She also let me get a video of her counting to 100 (which would take a bit too long for a video. So she went by 10s.)<br />
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Michelle counting to 100 by 10s:<br />
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Every New Year I make resolutions. I don't normally stick to them (does ANYONE?!) This year one of them was to be healthy -- to work out, keep counting calories and improve my diet. In the spirit of eating healthier, I decided to try making recipes from a cookbook I got for Christmas. (Be afraid: this may actually be the 5th sign of the Apocalypse!) I don't cook. Well, that's not technically accurate. I do have to cook and eat to survive however, I DON'T make anything fancy. I DON'T attempt to make gourmet meals out of cookbooks because I SUCK! Anytime in the past when I'd tried to make something, it never worked out. I thought I was following the recipe but something would always go horribly awry.<br />
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At our big family Christmas celebration however my brother Chris' beautiful girlfriend Christina sat down with me and talked about their gift to me -- the book "Jamie's Food Revolution" by Jamie Oliver and a cute set of turquoise ramekins. Christina told me that when she was young her mother taught her to cook and it made Christina love cooking. I told her that my experience was quite the opposite -- my mother HATED cooking, acted like it was a loathed chore and wouldn't let us near her in the kitchen to help. She said we'd be "under foot." I wound up being pretty much the same. I detest cooking but I can't stand anyone being in the way when I'm in the kitchen either (I'm a control freak which well-meaning past boyfriends learned when they tried to help. Luckily some of the men I dated loved to cook and were AMAZING cooks so that saved me even having to enter the kitchen. Of course I'm on my own now and have no choice.) Christina explained that the ramekins were to hold the ingredients after I cut them up so I could let Michelle pour them into the pot and feel like she was involved. That did sound like a cute idea (and Michelle often asks to help with things -- I've let her help me stir the bowl etc before because I didn't want to be like my Mom and discourage her, make her feel like she's in the way.) Anyway, I was reluctant at first but after looking through the cookbook there were several recipes that sounded appealing and that I wanted to attempt. They didn't sound too hard. I tried to think positive. This will be a culinary adventure! Maybe it will be fun...<br />
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The first step was making a (LENGTHY) list of ingredients I would need for the first few recipes and heading to the grocery store. I was sort of dreading it for two reasons. 1) I had Michelle with me and shopping is rarely a relaxing experience with her. 2) I had to buy things I wasn't used to (including things I didn't know where to find or even WHAT THEY WERE!) I didn't go to my usual grocery store because I thought it may not have some of the fancier ingredients. Without naming it, the grocery store that I did go to I will NEVER shop in again! Though it wasn't entirely their fault, it was a TRIP THROUGH HELL.<br />
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Michelle didn't want to ride in the cart. "Be a good girl then and walk nicely with Mama," I told her. I tell her this every time we go shopping. Each time she promises she will but then proceeds to run amok and drive me crazy. One of the main things I needed was cauliflower for the Macaroni and Cauliflower Cheese Bake. I went to the section and the shelf was bare. How can a grocery store be OUT of a vegetable? I had to settle for a mixed veggie bag of broccoli and bits of cauliflower. Then I had to find fresh herbs -- parsley, cilantro, rosemary. While I was searching, Michelle was running amok and apparently touching everything in sight -- running her hand along the edge of a shelf where she hit something sharp and next thing I knew: "Mama! I cut my finger!" "How did you manage to cut yourself in the vegetables?! And we JUST GOT HERE! I still have all the shopping to do!" I usually have an emergency band-aid in my purse. Of course when I actually need one, I don't. I just wiped it with a Kleenex and tried to calm Michelle down. Things didn't get much better. Michelle went running away from me (which I told her never to do because it's not safe and a bad man might grab her -- though frankly, I pity the fool that would try!) asking me to buy things, complaining it was taking too long, etc. I was getting stressed out. Then there was the bean aisle. "Cannellini beans." WTF are Cannellini beans? Apparently they didn't exist. There were Romano beans, lentils, red and white kidney beans etc. Luckily I was on the ball enough to know that "Garbanzo beans" are actually Chick peas but I was S.O.L. with the Cannellini beans. By the end of my shopping trip I was exhausted, frustrated, discouraged. Michelle was whiny, impatient, impossible. The first part of my "culinary adventure" was a bit of a fail. But I had some lots of good food to fill the fridge and cupboards and hopefully I'd be eating a delicious home-cooked meal very soon!<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-74sxv5jeFVk/VrA5PDrYm5I/AAAAAAAAJUw/GiUD3ZN0CVU/s1600/DSCN7503.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-74sxv5jeFVk/VrA5PDrYm5I/AAAAAAAAJUw/GiUD3ZN0CVU/s320/DSCN7503.JPG" width="263" /></a>Jamie Oliver is of course a brilliant chef but he seems to forget that not everyone is. So when he says that a meal can be made "in 19 minutes" I can only assume he means in "expert chef" minutes which translates into 2 hours in hopeless amateur minutes. I don't have super sharp knives. I can't dice up vegetables in 2.2 seconds. My first attempt was the Macaroni and Cauliflower Cheese Bake. Not to toot my own horn but it did turn out really well! Even Michelle gave her "Yummy!" seal of approval. Michelle doesn't particularly like cauliflower so being able to hide it amid the macaroni was priceless. The problem was it took longer than expected to make and created a HUGE mess. There was cheese stuck to EVERYTHING. When I make store bought Mac & Cheese (Annie's Organic & Natural is my fave brand) it's easy as pie. You boil the noodles, add milk. butter & the cheese powder and you're done. Using real melted cheese, it was stuck to EVERYTHING. The pot, the bakeware, bowls, spoons, everything. And since my dishwasher has been broken for months now (I keep procrastinating getting it repaired because I'm afraid & don't want to spend the money) I have to wash the dishes by hand. I made other recipes, some of which turned out great (delicious and nutritious) but were a nuisance to make/clean up. Others were an epic fail. Suffice it to say, I will NEVER make a recipe that uses cracker crumbs. EVER AGAIN! The homemade meatballs were delicious but not worth the 3 hours it took out of my life to make and clean up that spaghetti dinner.<br />
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There was at least ONE huge success, a recipe that I will continue to make -- Spring Bean Vegetable soup. I've already made it twice, the first time I made the Italian version with diced tomatoes and noodles and the second time the regular version with "Cannellini beans" which it turns out are called White Kidney Beans in Canada and which I luckily already had on hand! I even let Michelle help (as Christina had suggested) by pouring some chopped veggies from the ramekins into the pot. And I let her stir. It was nice for her to feel involved and she loved the soup. She said it was delicious and I was thrilled to get 10 vegetables into her in one meal! So thank you, Christina! After the soup success had built up my confidence I decided to attempt to make the Shortbread Cookie recipe someone had given me before Christmas. At the time I thought it sounded easy -- just 4 ingredients. How could I screw that up? A couple of ways actually -- first I bought the wrong kind of flour (whole wheat instead of regular flour). Secondly I miscalculated how much butter I needed to buy and ran out & had to substitute margarine. And thirdly I only had one measuring cup and most of the sugar stuck to the butter in the measuring cup. Needless to say the cookies were awful. I actually ate them anyway and started to like them. My Mom however (who is the one I was making them for, supposed to be for a Christmas surprise because she loves shortbread) HATED them. This time around I had 2 measuring cups and all the right ingredients and they turned out PERFECTLY! Unfortunately they were so good that I ate half the batch (gave the other half to my Mom) and gained 2 lbs. Maybe it was better when I couldn't bake...<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XZ7HdbiLSmg/VrA5UlFICQI/AAAAAAAAJVA/b2YOL6agPF4/s1600/DSCN7507.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XZ7HdbiLSmg/VrA5UlFICQI/AAAAAAAAJVA/b2YOL6agPF4/s320/DSCN7507.JPG" width="257" /></a>I know there are a lot of people who LOVE to cook (I dated some who did. I kind of miss that! Especially the gourmet Hungarian dishes to die for! Sigh.) I am just not one of them. When I hear other women going on about cooking, excitedly exchanging recipes etc I kind of feel like I'm from another planet. The same planet I'm on when people talk about drinking wine etc (I can't stand wine. I don't drink alcohol because it tastes awful to me.) I am not sophisticated. I am not a foodie. I am a junk food junkie and I'm happiest eating pizza and drinking a Coke Zero! For Michelle's sake I do make sure to serve fruit and vegetables and to make reasonably healthy meals most of the time but for the most part I don't plan on serving any more gourmet meals. It's just not my thing. It's not for everyone. I'm an odd duck and the things I enjoy (writing, art, music etc) may not be for everyone. I remember in high school English class when the teacher gave us an assignment to write 10 poems (a Haiku, a sonnet etc) and I was THRILLED! I wound up writing 20. The rest of the class was grumbling like they'd rather have a root canal. So I've painted hundreds of canvases (only a few of which I ever sold), written tens of thousands of poems (only a handful have been published), written hundreds of songs (many of which are on Youtube but so far none have gone viral or made me rich and famous! LOL) but I am not good with cars or computers, not handy, not a techie, and (even if I can actually follow a recipe now) NOT a cook. I used to feel like maybe there's something wrong with me because I'm not like other women/moms. I have no interest in being Martha Stewart. I hate cooking. I can't stand entertaining. When I have people over I literally order pizza, KFC or Chinese. Their preference. But I'm realizing that it's OK. No one is good at everything. Wouldn't the world be a boring place if we were all exactly the same? Embrace who you are. Don't try to be everything/everyone. I do however want to encourage Michelle to do whatever she enjoys. And if she likes cooking, I'll encourage that. It does however seem that she's an artist like her Mama and her niece Shannon. She also loves to dance. And I may have to put her in gymnastics. Just recently she did the splits. I didn't know she could do that! I have heard that you're more flexible as a child and you lose flexibility as you get older, unless you work on it. <br />
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Michelle has asked to go to the park a few times. I explained that even on the days when it doesn't snow it's still Winter and not quite warm enough to go to the park. Then I remembered the indoor park/playground we had gone to last winter. Michelle wasn't too keen on it at 2 years old but she's much more outgoing/fearless now so I thought we'd give it a try. She absolutely LOVED it! She was running amok, making friends with other kids, crawling and climbing and running and sliding. I was happy to watch her and take pictures. Sometimes she'd disappear from view for a bit while she was in the upper level. I started to panic a bit & call "Michelle!" then she'd appear, laughing.<br />
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While most other parents were relaxing on the other side of the room, trusting that their kids (some even younger/smaller than Michelle) would be OK, I pretty much followed Michelle around, tracking her every move to make sure she was OK. It's a tough habit to break. I tend to be a hoverer (aka Helicopter Parent/Control Freak.) Well for one thing I'm a photoholic and I couldn't bear to miss out on those smiles when she comes down the slide. For another thing, I wanted to make sure that she was OK and didn't get hurt. One kid fell and banged her head on the floor, another injured his hand on the slide and it took the parents a while to get to them. Michelle at one point fell through the rope climbing wall and was trapped. Luckily I was right there to pull her leg out. I may be a little overprotective but I think that rather than holding Michelle back from being adventurous that it actually helps her to feel secure. She has the confidence to try things because she knows it will be OK and I'll always be right there to rescue her. <br />
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One little boy there, two years old, was screaming inconsolably and his Mom couldn't seem to calm him down. He had no interest in going on the slides. He just wanted to go home. The lady probably would have just left but she came with a relative and another child who was actually having a good time. "Why don't you try the slide? Look how much fun that girl's having," she said, motioning to Michelle who was grinning ear to ear. Sympathetic to the woman's frustration I told her that when Michelle was two she wasn't feeling it either. "But he's been here before," the woman said. "He liked it last time. Today he's terrified of everything." "My daughter went through that too," I said, "she used to love the sound of the vacuum cleaner. All of a sudden she was terrified of it and covered her ears and screamed. She suddenly hated loud noises. It's a phase. He'll get over it." "I hope so!" I was happy to see Michelle having such a good time, playing nicely with other kids, being a little adventurous but cautious at the same time. <br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A3fTKI2Cx8I/VqcIqV4BAVI/AAAAAAAAJMQ/ZTE-R5iQ6GY/s1600/DSCN7209.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A3fTKI2Cx8I/VqcIqV4BAVI/AAAAAAAAJMQ/ZTE-R5iQ6GY/s320/DSCN7209.JPG" width="254" /></a>My little girl is growing up more every day. It's terrifying. She'll be starting school in September and Michelle is excited about it. That makes one of us! She will LOVE school. She loves being around other kids, loves learning, enjoys drawing, writing letters etc. I save all of her artwork. Even though it's Winter Michelle seems to be dreaming of Spring and Summer as much as me. She does pictures of butterflies, flowers and portraits of us on the beach. Her drawings are always smiling. Even the flowers, numbers, sheep and sheep's bellies. She even did a couple of Halloween pictures (a bat and castle in Transylvania and Clawdeen Wolf from Monster High.) Michelle says she wants to be Clawdeen for Halloween but I told her it's 9 months away and she may change her mind. She keeps wanting to watch Halloween movies and play with her Zombie Babies lately. I'm just glad it's not Christmas that she's obsessed with because I don't like hearing/seeing anything to do with Christmas after it's over. Not until next November anyway!<br />
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I registered Michelle for Kindergarten (apparently you have to do it really early so they have an idea of class sizes for September.) Michelle was so excited she wanted to start school right away. I however, was less enthused. I felt like Marlin, Nemo's dad in "Finding Nemo" when he's nervous about his son going to school "If you're not ready maybe we could wait a year...or two." Unfortunately that's not an option for human school. Michelle came with me to register and coloured a page in a colouring book while I filled out the paperwork. They were impressed with how polite and well-behaved she was and how well she could stay inside the lines. Michelle wanted to see the classrooms. The Principal was kind enough to give us a tour. Michelle was thrilled. She got to go in the Kindergarten class and meet the teacher and students. Little girls were coming up to her and wanting her to play. I explained that we weren't staying, that she'd be in school in September. On the upper floor there were some older girls who said hi and said how cute Michelle was. The Principal remarked that not all new students were as eager as Michelle. Some were crying/clinging to Mom's leg and screaming "NO! I don't WANT to go to school!" I don't think I could handle it if Michelle reacted like that. It will be hard enough for me to leave her. My sister said it was rough with my niece and nephew when they first started school. Luckily Michelle is very outgoing and WANTS to go. It will still break my heart to leave her. I'll probably go back home and cry after I drop her off!<br />
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Michelle wanted to play dress up (she was Minnie Mouse and I was a Princess Fairy or something) and then she was dancing with Dracula Mickey (or, Count Mickula). She made me fish him out of the Halloween decorations in the basement. My little Goth girl. Though she loves Mickey, it's Sponge Bob who truly has her heart. She told me she wanted to marry him! I told her a couple of things may dampen her wedding plans: 1) She's 3 years old. 2) He's a cartoon sponge. She loves dressing up, wearing makeup. She's very much a girlie girl, which I'm glad about because so am I (though I did go through a Tom Boy phase growing up.)<br />
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While a real vacation isn't in the budget at the moment I was able to take a mini 5 minute vacation on my lunch break one day at work. I still have minutes at a tanning salon (which I got back when I was going to the Dominican Republic years ago). They never expire. I figured I might as well use them, not to get a tan but just for the mood boost of feeling like I've been in the sun. I close my eyes and pretend I'm lying on the beach. It was a nice break in the day. The light, the vitamin D was like a shot of Summer in the middle of Winter. I really should get one of those sunlight lamps to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder. <br />
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Between hating winter and never getting enough sleep, it takes a toll on my mental and physical health. Yes I'm sad to report that I didn't get to keep my bed to myself. In my last post I mentioned that Michelle had her own bed in her own room. At first she was excited about it. She kept saying she loved her cozy bed. It seemed too good to be true that she would actually sleep in it and that I FINALLY after 3 years had my bed to myself again. Unfortunately it didn't last. Michelle started waking up in the night to go potty and then wanting to go back to my bed. Or she'd wake up crying, say she had a nightmare and wanted to sleep in my bed. Then she used the excuse that she's afraid of the dark (she never used to be.) So I let her sleep with me. She always says she'll sleep in her own bed "tomorrow night" but tomorrow never comes. My Mom says I should just force her to stay in her own room but I'm not doing that. I had night terrors as a kid and wished I'd had someone to comfort me. (My Mom NEVER allowed us in her bed.) I used to line up an army of stuffed bears to protect me from the monster under the bed. The cat often joins us as well. So I'm co-sleeping with a kid and a cat. Michelle rolling over and kicking me all night and Ali clawing at my feet. Good times. Needless to say I don't always (make that EVER) get a good sleep. Some nights I just lay there. Insomnia has always been a problem for me though. My brain doesn't come with an off switch. I just keep thinking. Memories, worries, to do lists, ideas, you name it. One night I actually got up and wrote a song: "Sleepless Night." Here's the video on Youtube: <br />
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It felt good to write again. I used to write songs every day now it's very rarely. I want to paint again too. I think it is important for Michelle to see me doing things that I love. She likes to create art and music as well. It's something we can share together. Maybe that can be our mother-daughter bonding experience (instead of cooking!) Though we share a lot of experiences anyway -- playing dress up, making crafts, building with Lego, sculpting with Play Doh, having tea parties, reading, playing games, catch, hide and seek, tag, doing puzzles, playing with dolls, going on day trips, watching movies. It will be hard for me when she goes to school. I'm used to having her there all day. My Mom said that as exhausting as it can be watching Michelle (when I go to work), my Mom misses her as soon as we go. Michelle gives my Mom and Dad something to look forward to. Keeps them active and feeling purposeful. She has brought so much joy and meaning to our lives. It's not always easy but she's more than worth it. <br />
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We're into February now! I can't believe it. Time flies, even in the worst of seasons. It will be Spring before we know it. Though I love Spring and Summer it will be sort of bittersweet this year. Each day we get closer to Fall. September. Michelle starting school. My little girl is growing up. I start getting teary just thinking about it. It will be hard for me to let go. Some kids have to be dragged kicking and screaming, holding on to Mama's legs. Instead Michelle is anxious to go, eager to start her adventure. I'll be the one kicking and screaming, trying to hold on to her, not wanting to let go. As a newborn she needed me for everything. Now there are more and more things she can do on her own. <br />
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This post turned out a lot longer than I intended. I started it in mid-January and just kept adding to it. I always have a hard time with the photos. I have so many that I can't decide and wind up including hundreds. I'm glad I take so many pictures though. It is my way of holding on. Time goes so fast. I started this blog when I was pregnant. Now she's 3 and turning 4 this year. <br />
"Am I a teenager yet?" Michelle asks for the millionth time. <br />
"No baby," I say. "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. Just enjoy being a kid. Life goes by so quickly as it is."Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-2237154907785487442015-11-30T23:59:00.003-05:002020-01-07T01:08:42.437-05:00Who's the Scariest One of All?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Michelle loves monsters. She comes by it honestly. Her father was a monster. (I'm sort of kidding.) At the very least he was a scary dude who insisted on watching particularly gory horror movies. I also loved horror fiction & film and dressed as a goth in my 20s. Of course Michelle's monsters are pretty tame: The nice ones from Hotel Transylvania or Monsters Inc. Or the pretty ones at Monster High. (Frankie Stein, Draculaura etc.) I've never let Michelle watch anything disturbing. She also loves her zombie babies (ours are just the cute, slightly demonic ones as opposed to the ones gnawing on human flesh.)</div>
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Michelle was psyched for Halloween and OF COURSE she was going to be a monster. Last year we were zombies (her choice). This year she wanted to be vampires but, as she pointed out to me (and even shared with random strangers at the park, in the store, to anyone who would listen!) she was going to be a "A NICE Vampire. One that doesn't have sharp teeth and doesn't BITE people." She also didn't want to talk with a Romanian accent. She preferred if I wouldn't either. <br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_bj84TQnCUo/Vk6e1mJ72LI/AAAAAAAAIVQ/8OHWswMw4O8/s1600/DSCN4696.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_bj84TQnCUo/Vk6e1mJ72LI/AAAAAAAAIVQ/8OHWswMw4O8/s320/DSCN4696.JPG" width="261" /></a>It was only September and there was a small chance Michelle might change her mind before October 31st but we made a trip to Spirit Halloween anyway, just to see what was there. Michelle picked out a beautiful red and black vampire gown for herself and one for me. "Do you want to try them on?" the lady asked. This was a mistake because once I saw Michelle in it I absolutely HAD to have it. And it was more than I wanted to spend. It was also EXTREMELY impractical. A long flowing Victorian vampire gown that would be dragging the grass and pavement. Possibly even in the rain. I also couldn't resist getting the matching vampire outfit for me. I love Halloween too and my former goth self misses dressing like this on Friday nights. If I was going to be taking her trick or treating I figured I might as well dress up too.<br />
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Every Fall/Winter I go into a bit of a slump. The cold. The long dark days without sunlight start to wear me down. This year I'm contemplating investing in a sunlight lamp for my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Looking forward to Halloween and Christmas at least makes Fall/Winter somewhat bearable. <br />
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Though Autumn isn't my thing, I try to make the best of it for Michelle's sake. We got psyched for Halloween by visiting Spirit Halloween, decorating the house, watching monster movies, making spageletons (spaghetti skeletons... Spookghetti, Boosili, Macaboney noodles etc!) I got the idea from a doctor's office where they had a kid's school project on the wall with skeletons made out of noodles. I'm still a kid at heart so I had fun with it too. And I cooked the leftover noodles for dinner the next day.<br />
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Also in the spirit of Halloween we went to see Hotel Transylvania II. The first one was one of her favourite movies & I liked it too so I was hopeful for the second. I was a little nervous after the whole "Cinderella" incident & "Minions" didn't go over too well either but to my very pleasant surprise, Michelle LOVED Hotel Transylvania and was quiet through the whole thing! For one thing she was completely mesmerized because it was in 3D. She'd never seen a 3D movie before. I mean, even I find it amazing and I've seen 3D before. Michelle just kept looking at the screen in awe & saying "Wow!" The movie was great as well as far as sequels go. It was really cute. I loved it almost as much as the first one.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YlFS5K9I_Tg/Vk6o5o4YbFI/AAAAAAAAIY8/Jh2GdKb0cxY/s1600/DSCN5849.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YlFS5K9I_Tg/Vk6o5o4YbFI/AAAAAAAAIY8/Jh2GdKb0cxY/s320/DSCN5849.JPG" width="278" /></a>Although I'm not a fan of Fall and Winter, even I have to admit that each season has its own beauty. The Fall leaves all gold and brown and red are lovely. Snow is pretty when it's crisp and white on the trees and the ground (and when you don't have to drive in or shovel it!) When you live in a country with four seasons I guess you have to develop an appreciation for each one. I just find the cold and the lack of sunlight hard to bear. I made sure Michelle and I got out for a bit of sun whenever we could (when it wasn't too terribly cold and wasn't raining.) Michelle loves every season. She is so full of energy and joy. She sees the magic in everything. I could learn a lot from her. Unfortunately I'm often tired and stressed and just trying to get through the day. Sometimes though I'm able to relax and have fun too.<br />
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One day I took Michelle to a Fall Fair. It was a spur of the moment thing. I hadn't really thought it through. For one thing I never have cash on me. I wasn't thinking that an outdoor event at a farm may not take credit cards. When Michelle saw that there was a train she begged me to ride it so I spent my last $6 on the train ride. It was fun. Unfortunately as we rode around Michelle saw that they had PONY RIDES. OMG. "MAMA! I want to ride a PONY!" "Ahh sweetie maybe we can come back another day. Mama doesn't have any money left. I spent it all on the train ride!" I never have cash. I use my credit card EVERYWHERE. Even at Tim Horton's for my iced capps. <br />
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And then suddenly the kindest young man EVER overheard me telling Michelle that I couldn't afford the pony ride and he motioned for me to come over. "Here," he said and handed me tickets for the pony ride. I hugged him. "OMG! Thank you! What a sweetheart!" Michelle was over the moon. She loved riding the pony. I was thrilled for the photo op too and kept snapping away. The control freak in me was a little nervous that she might fall but the girl handling the pony was right there and assured me it would be fine. Michelle wasn't nervous at all. "Look at me Mama! I'm on a pony!" "I know!" And I was like the paparazzi following them, snapping away.<br />
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One of my favourite October traditions is our annual trip to Springridge Farm with Auntie May. Climbing hay mountains, going down slides, riding the hay wagon, meandering through the corn maze, walking through the haunted house, visiting the farm animals and checking out the gift shop, the kids always have a ball and I am a sucker for the photo ops! Of course I make everyone pose with pumpkins and corn and everything else. This year there was a road closure and we got lost on the way there but even the car ride was fun. Everything is fun with Auntie May! She's the best sister and the best friend in the world! Now that Michelle is bigger she can sit in Reggie's old seat and we can all ride together.<br />
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After our day at the farm we went back to May's place for a Halloween dress rehearsal, another annual tradition. It was fun seeing the kids in their costumes (and a total photo op!) Michelle and I wouldn't get to see Reggie and Shannon on Halloween so this was our way of celebrating Halloween together. I brought my costume too. Shannon looked beautiful as a Ghoul/Enchantress. Reggie was "someone from Star Wars" (I only know characters from the original Star Wars movies. I never got into the sequels, I mean "pre-quels.") and of course Michelle and I were matching Victorian Vampires in red and black. Michelle was having a hard time walking in the dress and I wondered how on Earth we'd manage on Halloween. "Remember to walk like a Princess," I told her, "hold up the sides of the dress as you walk." She did a little practicing. She loved the gown. She wanted to keep wearing it. I told her it would get dirty/ruined and then she wouldn't even have it for Halloween<br />
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Always looking for new adventures to share with Michelle, I heard about "Boo at the Zoo!" at the Toronto Zoo. If you brought a child in costume, the weekends before Halloween they'd get in for free. I'd always wanted Michelle to see the zoo anyway but I was afraid it would be too busy in the summer. So we went with my Mom. I thought it would be fun to dress Michelle up as a monkey. It seemed like a good idea until I realized how tough it is to keep makeup on a kid's face all day. She kept rubbing her nose and wiping it off. I had also forgotten just how massive the zoo was. The last time I went many years ago I didn't have a small child (or my elderly mother) with me. It was pretty stressful dealing with the two of them (who were both too tired to walk all that distance.) It was a little cold and very exhausting but we still managed to see most of the zoo and I was thrilled to get capture some great photo ops. <br />
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And then it happened -- the shot that made my day -- Michelle and a baboon looking at each other through the glass. It was the sweetest thing ever and it was worth all that walking in the cold and getting lost and getting stressed listening to Michelle and Mom complain they were too tired to walk. It was worth anything to capture this beautiful moment where my little monkey and a real monkey (well, close enough!) were staring into each others' eyes. Cutest. Photo. EVER! <br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FzaF9wJhtNU/Vk6oQosh2TI/AAAAAAAAIYU/jFV51cHsFwI/s1600/DSCN5856.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FzaF9wJhtNU/Vk6oQosh2TI/AAAAAAAAIYU/jFV51cHsFwI/s200/DSCN5856.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HMAzgft-uHU/Vk6iCibAaEI/AAAAAAAAIVk/Ojer9d1rWv0/s1600/DSCN6046.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HMAzgft-uHU/Vk6iCibAaEI/AAAAAAAAIVk/Ojer9d1rWv0/s320/DSCN6046.JPG" width="249" /></a>And then it was Halloween! After months of waiting the day had arrived. Michelle was so excited she could hardly contain herself. After I'd done her makeup she looked in the mirror and said "WOW Mama! I'm soooo beautiful!" I love Michelle's confidence. Part of it probably comes from constantly being praised but she also seems to have an innate sense of self-assurance which I envy. I was always insecure growing up. I wish I'd had her bold, fearless attitude. Michelle thinks she owns the world. I just hope she's not going to be too much of a Diva when she gets older. She already loves makeup & dressing up. <br />
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Once she was in her Vampire gown she couldn't wait to go out. We headed out a little early (before it got dark) because I wanted to be back in time to give candy out to the kids. That's the tricky part of being a Single Mom -- you can't be in two places at one time. Usually as a couple one would go out trick or treating and the other would stay home to answer the door to the other trick or treaters. My solution was to have a bowl waiting on the veranda with a note "Trick or Treating! Be back soon. Help yourself!" Good thing I did too because when I came back the bowl was nearly empty. <br />
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Michelle had a blast trick or treating. Thank goodness it didn't rain this year until we were heading home. Everyone made such a fuss of Michelle saying how beautiful and spooky she was. One man said it was the best costume he'd EVER seen! :) She was pretty good at walking like a Princess but she did have a couple of stumbles/trip ups. Luckily she only fell on the grass. <br />
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Michelle was mostly fearless. She was a little creeped out by some of the houses with creatures popping out and scary music playing inside. Then we came to the scariest house of all. The veranda was sealed off with Caution Police tape. "How can you even get there?" I asked. Then we noticed that there was a black curtain on the garage. "There is NO WAY I'm going in there!" Michelle said. Suddenly Freddy Krueger leaned out with candy. Would she take candy from a creepy monster? I wondered. Yes she would! Very hesitantly she went over and took the candy. It was so cute. I wanted to get a picture with Freddy in his garage. It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen -- A Nightmare on My Street! -- So a neighbour snapped a photo for me. Michelle politely declined. She did NOT want a picture with Freddy. <br />
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We came home and dumped out her Halloween haul and Michelle had a bit of chocolate and a couple of lollipops. I asked her what things she didn't want and I had some of those. Thankfully the trick or treaters took most of the chocolate bars I bought or I would have eaten all of them. <br />
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This Fall, much to my surprise, we had a lot of warm days. September, October, even into November. It was like Summer, the sequel! Michelle and I made the most of it with trips to the park and even to the beach, as late as NOVEMBER (mind you we didn't go swimming in November but we had fun playing in the sand and sitting under the palm trees in the sun at Port Dover Beach.) <br />
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It was kind of surreal hanging out at the beach in November, knowing that a week later it could be dark, cold and snowing. I wanted to soak up every second of it. To remember the Summer and hold on to those memories during the long, bleak Winter months. <br />
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Michelle had asked to go to the beach a few times when it was cold and I had to tell her it was impossible. But when it was 21 degrees the first week of November and she asked I said "Sure!" We met others there that day enjoying Summer's last hurrah. I was happy to see the palm trees were still there. I imagined living somewhere tropical where we could enjoy the sun, the sand and the palm trees all year round. Maybe some day...<br />
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Then when we fell on dark days I decided to make our own sunshine and visit some tropical paradises nearby. We went to the Butterfly Conservatory and the Bird Kingdom again. <br />
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As usual, being the photoholic that I am, it was my dream to catch a picture of Michelle smiling with a butterfly on her at the conservatory. Just as I was starting to lose hope, I got my wish! A black butterfly sat on Michelle's hand. I told her to be very careful and not to touch the butterfly's wings because they're very delicate and you could hurt them. It was hard to keep her still long enough for a photo but I managed a couple at least. And then I even had a butterfly land on me. "There's a butterfly on you Mama!" Michelle said. I almost handed Michelle the camera but I managed to get an awkward selfie with the butterfly...<br />
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They know what they're doing at the Bird Kingdom. They set up photo ops with parrots and lorikeets and don't let you use your own camera. Their staff take photos which they show you on your way out and which you have to purchase or they delete them. Being a photoholic I can't miss out on these photo ops so I then have to buy the pictures. And since I'm also a Twitter and Blog-o-holic I then have to scan them to put them on the computer! How can you say no to a picture with a bird on your arm?! I was thrilled that Michelle even smiled with the lorikeet on her arm but she wanted him off of her almost immediately after the photo! <br />
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It wasn't too bad out so I thought while we were in Niagara we might as well walk to the Falls. Michelle had never seen them. While a vacation isn't really in the budget I'm thankful to live close to some cool places so we can make day trips at least. Niagara Falls is one of the wonders of the world. A stranger was kind enough to take our picture together in front of the Falls. It was a bit longer of a walk than I'd anticipated (especially carrying Michelle halfway because she got tired of walking. And then I had to run back to the car afterward carrying Michelle when it started to rain! Running several blocks while carrying a 40 lb child. Yep. That's a workout! I was so out of breath by the time we got to the car I nearly collapsed.) </div>
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While in Niagara Falls I picked up a brochure/coupon for a SpongeBob 4D ride playing in Niagara. It sounded awesome! Michelle LOVES SpongeBob now. She has several DVDs. She loved it when we went to a 3D movie. 4D would be even better! You'd get to move around and feel and smell things like you were really there. I'd heard about it but I'd never actually been to one before. So we made the trek to Niagara Falls again. I had no idea the misadventures that lay in store for me...<br />
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I don't have GPS. I'm old school. When I'm going somewhere I usually just Google Map it, print the directions and go. So the movie was supposed to be at Falls Avenue Resort. Cool. That would be easy to find I figured. My directions got me as far as downtown Niagara Falls but of course it didn't say where I'd have to park. I went to what looked like it was probably a big hotel or something. I thought that might be it. There was an underground parking but I never like those so I pulled into a lot across the street. Unfortunately it was a parking for the Duty Free shop. I tried to leave the lot but the only exit LED TO THE USA! "You've GOT to be kidding me?!" I thought. It was like a trap. You pull into the wrong parking lot and there's no going back! There was nowhere to make a U-turn. The road led straight to the border. "OMG." I figured I'd just have to tell the border guard that I don't want to go to the United States. I was just trying to see SpongeBob in 4D and got lost. (How STUPID does that sound?!) So we get up to the guard and he is not amused. Maybe they're not allowed to smile. <br />
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"Passport?"<br />
"Sorry. I don't have a passport. I don't actually want to cross the border. I just pulled into the wrong parking lot and the exit led here. I'm trying to go to Falls Avenue Resort, in Canada. I just want to make a U-turn."<br />
"Can I see some ID?"<br />
I hand him my DL.<br />
Then he glanced into the backseat. "Is this your child?"<br />
"Yes. She's my daughter."<br />
"Let me see her ID."<br />
OMG! For a second my heart sank. Oh no. I wasn't sure I had Michelle's ID on me. At one point I'd put her documents in a folder in the cabinet because I didn't think I'd need them. OMG! What proof did I even have that Michelle was mine?! This was absurd! I felt sick to my stomach. This couldn't be happening. What if I got arrested for kidnapping and crossing the border with MY OWN CHILD! All because I was trying to see stupid SpongeBob (who by this point, I hated.)<br />
Thank goodness I found Michelle's birth certificate and health card. <br />
"Look," I said to the guy, "I don't want to be here. I didn't plan to go to the US. I just want to make a U-turn. Just let me turn around. You can watch me leave."<br />
He went to talk to someone else. What were they talking about?! Why was he giving me such a hard time?<br />
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I looked up at the ceiling of the car. My head was about to explode. All because of a silly SpongeBob movie. This could not be happening. <br />
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"Are we going to see SpongeBob?" Michelle asked.<br />
"Yes sweetheart. Hopefully. Eventually." If we make it out of here alive, I thought. <br />
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Finally, after what felt like an eternity (probably about 10-15 minutes) he returns and says "Ok. You can make a U-turn. Just go up to the gate, make a left and go back to the Canadian border."<br />
"Will I have to go through all this again to cross the Canadian border?"<br />
"Probably. And you'll have to pay the toll."<br />
Super. So I drive on. Next thing I know guards are running up to my car. <br />
"What? He said to drive to the gate and make a left."<br />
"No. THAT gate!"<br />
Dear God just get me the Hell out of here, I thought.<br />
I was so stressed out by this point I could barely breathe. Now we had to pay the toll to get back to Canada. Awesome.<br />
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So eventually we made it to the Falls Avenue Resort which was like a maze in itself trying to find our way to the cinemas. I realized afterward that it would have been easier to get to the theatre from Clifton Hill rather than through the resort but hindsight is 20-20 and the brochure wasn't very clear about anything. I tried to find out more online but nothing was posted, not even the price. <br />
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As I very wearily walked up to the counter to buy our tickets for the 15 minute SpongeBob 4D movie that I had driven for hours, gotten lost and accidentally crossed the US border to see, the cashier uttered the phrase that would make me loathe her. "Sorry. She's not tall enough for the ride."<br />
"Excuse me?"<br />
The woman ushered Michelle to a ruler on the wall. Michelle was just shy of the height requirement for the 4D ride. It hadn't even occurred to me that it was a "ride." I thought of it as a movie. Why would height matter. You're sitting in a chair. <br />
I was livid. "You mean to tell me that I just went through Hell on Earth FOR NOTHING?! For a movie that she CAN'T EVEN SEE?!" <br />
"Well you can still watch it in 3D in a stationary seat. We apologize for the inconvenience."<br />
"No it's beyond an inconvenience at this point! I went through all this trying to take her to see something special. I told her it would be in 4D." Michelle probably couldn't have cared less. She didn't even know what 4D was anyway. <br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADOhMcOcuQc/Vlz3Icc8MjI/AAAAAAAAIsc/H-oElqg-nyE/s1600/DSCN6122.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADOhMcOcuQc/Vlz3Icc8MjI/AAAAAAAAIsc/H-oElqg-nyE/s320/DSCN6122.JPG" width="244" /></a>Nowhere on their website or the brochure did it mention ANYTHING about a height requirement. Considering the target audience for SpongeBob would be SMALL CHILDREN you'd think they'd have the sense to mention your kid might be too small for the ride! <br />
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To apologize they gave me a discount and gave Michelle a large stuffed SpongeBob which she loved. We still got to watch the movie in 3D but we had to watch the rest of the audience enjoying it with seats moving around like a rollercoaster. Michelle was still thrilled. Afterward she said "I'm so happy! This was the BEST DAY EVER! Thank you Mama!" We also got to see the other 3D (should have been 4D!) movie the Great Wall of China and it was pretty cool but I was still pissed.<br />
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The movies were short and we'd driven all that way so I figured we might as well walk around a bit. We went into the Movieland Wax Museum. I enjoyed it more than Michelle. She didn't know who half the people were so it wasn't quite the same for her. I couldn't resist photo ops getting our pictures with celebrities. "That's Taylor Swift!" I told Michelle. "All those songs in the car." (We have Taylor's 1989 CD and Michelle loves it and sings along. She'd never seen Taylor Swift though. She's only heard her voice.)<br />
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Every year we go to see the Princess Margaret Dream Home. They're always beautiful. I would love to live in Oakville closer to my family. Of course I literally would have to win a lottery to live there!</div>
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I am so glad to have a close knit family that gets together so often. With such a big family it seems like there's a birthday or some occasion just about every month. We headed to Mike and Barb's place for his birthday in September. Then my sister hosted Thanksgiving in October and I hosted my Mom's birthday at my place in November. From what I gather most families don't bother celebrating every birthday together except once in a while for a milestone birthday (like 50 or 75 etc.) I love spending time with family and Michelle loves playing with her cousins. <br />
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I am very thankful for my family. My Mom drives me crazy sometimes but I talk to her every day and I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. My sister is the best sister and best friend anyone could hope to have and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Michelle loves her Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie May, Uncle Chris and her cousins. We always laugh when we're together and Michelle always has a ball.<br />
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We had a wonderful Thanksgiving together. We were thankful the weather was beautiful too.<br />
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I'm a little further off the beaten path so it's not too often that I wind up hosting events. I had Mom's birthday party at my place this year and even Mike and Barb were able to make it. Michelle always wants to dress up when there's a party. She's my girlie girl. <br />
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It was a little chaotic having everyone (especially all the kids) running amok in my little house but it was fun. It got pretty loud (Michelle was still the loudest screamer to be heard!) but it's nice to have company once in a while. It isn't often for me these days. It took me a while getting the house clean and tidy. I love when everything is in its place but it's an uphill battle with kids.<br />
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I can't believe we're into December already! Time goes by much too fast. And my little girl is growing up more each day. <br />
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Recently Michelle has had another milestone -- she's finally sleeping IN HER OWN ROOM! If you've been following my blog then you probably know I've been co-sleeping with Michelle since she was born. As a newborn breastfeeding every hour or less it was just easier for both of us to have her right beside me through the night. And then it just sort of stuck for the next few years. Even after she was weaned. I tried putting her in the crib a couple of times and it didn't work out. She would scream. People say that they stop screaming eventually and that that's how you "sleep train" a child. To me it just seems cruel. And having heard my Mom tell me that as a baby I screamed all night in the crib, I didn't want to put Michelle through that. Unfortunately she's a restless sleeper, rolling around, kicking and flailing. So I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in 3 years. <br />
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The plan was to sell the crib, move a twin bed into Michelle's room and sell her on the idea of sleeping in her own room. I had the crib on Kijiji for quite a while and was beginning to lose hope when someone finally bought it. That night, I was on a mission. I moved the twin bed from the guest room into Michelle's room -- dragging the mattress, then the box spring & bed frame into her room. I had to reconfigure things to make it fit. I had to move Michelle's dresser to another wall and have the bed in the middle. I already had a Princess bedspread and sheets for her. I set up Michelle's room and showed her the next day. I wasn't sure how it would go. Would she resist moving to her own room? Would she be afraid to be alone? I tried to make it sound like a good thing. "Won't that be exciting having your OWN BED in your OWN ROOM?!" It worked. Michelle LOVED it. She was so excited. She kept saying "I LOVE MY NEW BED!" She loved the princess sheets and comforter and soft pink blanket. It was so soft and cozy. I didn't want to get my hopes up too high. The true test would be that night when she went to bed. She was actually psyched to have her own bed. She didn't seem nervous at all.<br />
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For the first time in years I had my bed to myself with no body pillows and thrashing kids. I lay on my tummy, diagonally across the Queen sized bed. "Ahhhh." It was too good to be true. It lasted about two hours. Suddenly I heard a thud. And then a scream. Michelle had fallen out of her bed. I had pillows on the floor just in case but it still startled her to fall. My little restless princess was used to throwing herself around on a queen sized bed where she was surrounded by me on one side and a body pillow on the other side. The twin bed wasn't big enough to fit body pillows on each side of her. She was so upset I took her back to my bed for the rest of the night. "So much for that," I thought. <br />
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To my delight, the next night Michelle was still excited to go to her own bed. She fell out of bed again on an even higher pile of pillows. This time it didn't phase her. She didn't even cry. I picked her up and put her back in her bed and she slept there ALL NIGHT! She still woke me up asking for a drink and wanting to go potty but it's progress. This is LIFE-CHANGING for me! After years of living with sleep deprivation I may actually get some sleep now. My Mom gave me a guard rail thing to keep Michelle from falling out of the bed. She's thrilled with her own room and wants to paint it pink. It will be tricky moving all that stuff away from the wall but I will try!<br />
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Eventually Michelle will be able to get up and go potty on her own and won't have to wake me and I can finally sleep through the night. Michelle actually can go potty by herself (once in a while if I'm in the shower or something and she has no choice she'll go on her own but otherwise she wants me to help her.)<br />
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I remember there were times when I was so overwhelmed I didn't know how I'd get through. When Michelle was a baby and so demanding and I had to do everything for her. Now, in many ways it has become easier. Michelle is becoming more independent. She can do things on her own. She'll entertain herself for longer periods -- playing with toys, looking at books, drawing without asking me to play with her every second (though she does still ask me to play with her she's a little more understanding now that I have to do work around the house etc and can't play all the time.) She'll get herself a drink out of the fridge. She'll sometimes put things away when I ask her. Now she even has her own room and next September she'll be GOING TO SCHOOL! It seems like only yesterday she was a helpless little baby who needed me for everything. Now she's a little girl, getting bigger every day. <br />
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Michelle amazes me every day. She's always coming out with something unexpected that makes me laugh or takes me aback. <br />
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Michelle loves writing letters now. She wants to read and write. <br />
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As much as she's eager to learn she also has a lot to teach me: To see the magic in every day. To focus on the bright side even when things go wrong. To make time to play. To say yes to life. To stop stressing out so much. <br />
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Michelle thinks she owns the world and in some ways she does. She is bold, confident, strong-willed. I wish I had been that way growing up. I was always shy and insecure. I've tried so hard to make her feel loved and special. Some have said I spoiled her but if she's happy then that's all that matters to me.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pHczCcqweOo/Vl09H7-hQYI/AAAAAAAAI3g/ssWbbHS_Ifs/s1600/DSCN6278.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pHczCcqweOo/Vl09H7-hQYI/AAAAAAAAI3g/ssWbbHS_Ifs/s320/DSCN6278.JPG" width="247" /></a>Though Michelle can be difficult at times, overall she is a bright, happy, sweet, loving, affectionate girl. Even on my worst day when Michelle hugs me and tells me she loves me I know that I'm blessed. And when she says "You're the best Mama in the WHOLE WORLD!" I know that all of my sacrifices have been worth it. <br />
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Michelle has taught me what a fool I was. I thought I knew myself and what I wanted but she turned my whole world on its head and it's what I needed. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. An unexpected miracle. I am grateful to share my seasons with her (even Fall and Winter). To go on adventures (and misadventures!) To experience life anew. To see that there is beauty and magic in everything if you only look for it.<br />
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And there's always something new to look forward to. Now Christmas is almost here! But I'll save that for the next blog...Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568899493608707753.post-30103700039504327562015-09-17T00:04:00.002-04:002020-01-07T01:11:01.772-05:00Thrice as Nice!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My baby is three years old. I can't believe it!<br />
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The past three years have flown by. That is not to suggest that it's been easy. Some days were more challenging than I can possibly explain. Some days Michelle just decided to be impossible, for the Hell of it, it seems.<br />
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I'd heard about the "terrible twos" (of course Michelle was going through her terrible phase even from 0-1) but someone told me that three could be even worse. "That's when your kids REALLY become a-holes!" someone warned me. Great. I could hardly wait.<br />
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Approaching her third birthday Michelle went through one of her worst phases yet: the THERE'S JUST NO PLEASING ME, SO DON'T EVEN TRY! phase. Where you can't win. She screams if she doesn't get what she wants. She screams if she gets what she wants. She screams because, perhaps, she really doesn't KNOW what she wants and she's just exerting her power...And attachment parent that I am, she has a lot of power. I am SO owned. I try to be the best Mom I can be. My version of that is catering to her every whim to make her happy. Yeah, how could that POSSIBLY go wrong?!<br />
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One day Michelle said she wanted to go to the water park. Great! I had mentioned it before but she wasn't interested. All of a sudden, she was all for it. "I want to go to the WATER PARK Mama!" Awesome. So we go. Michelle ran in the splash pad for a couple of seconds before screaming that she didn't want the water to touch her. When the water went in her face she screamed bloody murder and said she HATED the splash pad. (I might have seen that coming because one time she said she wanted to go in the sprinkler & subsequently SCREAMED when water touched her face. She also doesn't allow water to touch her face in the bath so I have to very carefully hold her head back to rinse shampoo from her hair.) OK. So she hated the splash pad. That was 1 out of 3. Then I thought we'd try the pool. We no sooner go into the pool and Michelle says NO! She doesn't like it. It's too cold, too wet, too deep. Nope. She doesn't want to be in the pool either. That was 2 out of 3. There was still the lazy river (floating in inner tubes) to try...At first she protested. "I don't WANT to float in the river! NOOOO!" "Michelle please. It was YOUR idea to come here. This is all that's left. At least TRY it." After some negotiation (I wouldn't take no for an answer) and some struggling to get the two of us in the tube (no easy feat. I'm sure I looked all kinds of ridiculous. Graceful, it WASN'T!), we were off. Michelle LOVED it. Now mind you, she was sitting on my belly so she wasn't actually touching the water AT ALL. I explained to Michelle how ironic it was that she wanted to go to the WATER park and not get wet AT ALL but she wasn't listening. We floated around lazily a few times and then Michelle, perfectly dry, wanted to go to the playground. Getting out of the tube was even less graceful. Trying to wriggle out off of a tube like a greased pig & not drop Michelle in the water. I was afraid we'd never get out. That we may just have to float there indefinitely until the end of time.) Michelle even complained about the playground. "There's WATER on the SLIDE Mama!" (There were a few drops.) "Yes. It is a water park after all. Some kids actually GO in the water, love." So she went on the swing.<br />
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Dealing with Michelle on difficult days is hard enough when I'm alone with her. I feel especially bad when innocent bystanders fall within the eye of Hurricane Michelle as she rips through. Canada Day was a bit of a fiasco. My sister was taking her kids to Bronte for the Canada Day celebration. She invited Michelle and I to join them. It sounded like fun. They'd have music, food, bouncy castles. What more could a kid want? Unfortunately Michelle was up late the night before (she just wouldn't settle down) so getting up early the next morning to head out for festivities went over like a lead balloon. She was Cranky Pants. Times ten. I'd only had a couple of hours sleep myself so I wasn't exactly a Happy Camper either. <br />
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Then when we were on the way there was a huge accident on the highway, closing down the highway (the only route I knew!) so we almost didn't make it. (This may have been a sign to just turn around and go back home but I was stubbornly determined to celebrate Canada Day.) After some creative navigating and a lot of stress, we finally made it to Auntie May's. Though tired Michelle ALWAYS loves visiting Auntie May, cousin Reggie & Shannon so I was hopeful it would be a fun day.<br />
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We get to the park & I couldn't believe it. Anna & Elsa (or performers dressed as them at least) were on stage singing a medley of Frozen tunes! Geek that I am, I sang along. This was perfect! Michelle and I LOVE Frozen. I put Michelle up on my shoulders for a better view. After a few tunes, all of a sudden, inexplicably, Michelle starts throwing a tantrum during her favourite song. Elsa is belting out "Let it go!" and Michelle took that as an opportunity to let her emotions rip. "What's wrong?!" I couldn't get anything out of her. She didn't want to be on my shoulders so I brought her down. She didn't want to be down so I picked her up. Whatever I did, she screamed. "What is wrong?!" At least the music was loud enough that no one (other than the poor unfortunate souls in our vicinity) could hear the commotion coming from my little inconsolable monster. It seems that she wasn't comfortable on my shoulders but was disappointed to give up the view. Or something like that. Since I didn't have magical powers that would allow her to hover in mid-air, there wasn't a way to fix the situation. Mama Fail.<br />
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But it didn't end there. Next my sister got Reggie a cute little Canada Flag tattoo (just a temporary stencil) on Reggie's cheek. How patriotic! I wanted to get one for Michelle too. She stood there, looking much less enthused than Reggie but she waited until they were actually finished the artwork before saying "But I don't WANT a flag on my face!" Sigh. "Well it's too late now, honey. Sorry." Then she was whining for milk, wanting to go back to the car, wanting to go home. "Pleeeease Michelle. Don't ruin the day for everyone!" I begged her. Reggie & Shannon were in good spirits & getting more temporary tattoos. I looked around at other kids, laughing, smiling, having fun. Michelle was sulking, whining, crying. I sighed. "Why me?" But we were going to the bouncy castles next and they had a Sponge Bob one! (Michelle absolutely LOVES Sponge Bob.) So after us paying an exorbitant fee for a string of tickets and waiting in a ridiculously long line, finally Michelle and Reggie entered the Sponge Bob Bouncy thing...<br />
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Not even 10 seconds later, Michelle wanted out. I tried to reason with her. "Michelle! You LOVE jumping around. You LOVE Sponge Bob! We paid a lot of money & waited in a long line. Give it a chance!" No. She wasn't having it. She was out. When my sister asked Michelle for an explanation later Michelle said that she didn't like the loud fan noise. The fan that keeps the bouncy castle inflated. I hadn't even thought of that. Michelle can't STAND loud noises now. She hates the vacuum, fans in the washroom, loud toilets flushing (in public bathrooms etc.) She covers her ears and yells "TOO LOUD!" It's not pretty. Lesson learned. No more bouncy castles. Unless I bring ear plugs for her I guess. But she probably wouldn't like them either.<br />
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At least Michelle did have a few laughs chasing Reggie around. And she loved the maze until some kid accidentally ran into/head-butted her on the way out. <br />
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When we sat down for lunch, all of a sudden Michelle was yelling "My butt is on FIRE!" and laughing. Ever since potty training Michelle finds it hilarious to talk about poo and bums, especially if we're in public. When she's around Reggie, the two of them giggle together conspiratorially. I guess it's a phase kids go through. "Shh!" I told her "You can't yell about butts in public. ESPECIALLY when you're having lunch!" I had to stifle a laugh myself. "MY BUTT IS ON FIRE!" Never a dull moment. You just never know what she's going to do or say. One day she went up to my Mom while in line at the bank and asked (rather loudly) "What's WRONG with you Grandma?" She was also kind enough to ask me "Do you have DIARRHEA Mama?!" In a public bathroom stall. "No, I don't. Thanks for asking at the top of your lungs though." She loves making up nonsense songs and singing them as loud as she can. Sometimes I wonder how I dare to leave the house with her at all. But I do. Because I figure it's good for her and for me to get out of the house and have adventures. <br />
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Thankfully Michelle isn't ALWAYS difficult. Sometimes she's a dream. Most of the time she's sweet, affectionate, funny, curious and remarkably wise for her age. <br />
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Michelle and I both love the beach and I tried to go as often as possible. My favourite beach, by far, is Port Dover. Since a tropical vacation isn't exactly in my near future, it's a treat to sit under palm trees right here in Ontario and pretend. It's my version of a "staycation."<br />
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Michelle prefers the sand to the water. As mentioned earlier she's not really a fan of getting wet. At the start of the Summer she would barely put her feet in the lake. (In her defense it was pretty cold.) As Summer wore on however, she became a little more daring & would splash in the water up to her knees.<br />
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Photoholic that I am of course I ALWAYS had my camera with me and had to take a million pictures... <br />
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In photography, as in life, timing is everything. I love this shot of Michelle smiling and a seagull flying overhead at just that moment. That's why I take so many pictures. You just keep snapping. Maybe 10 pictures will be so-so, awkward, blurry but then you get lucky and one will be magic: you capture the perfect moment, the right expression. I live for that. <br />
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It's my way of holding on too, because life is so fleeting. Taking pictures, writing this blog, posting tweets on Twitter, it's my way of making the impermanent permanent. Preserving our history. It may not matter to anyone else but it means the world to me. <br />
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Someone accused me of not really being in the moment because I'm experiencing everything from behind a camera. My argument is that not only am I enjoying the moment but I get to keep it forever and relive it through the photos, tangible memories. Being a Mom now I'm more of a photoholic than ever because I want to capture every moment as Michelle grows up.<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Rol-nl9AMQ/Vd07xpN-PMI/AAAAAAAAHx8/ZC1u6SMujko/s1600/DSCN2995.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"> </a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Rol-nl9AMQ/Vd07xpN-PMI/AAAAAAAAHx8/ZC1u6SMujko/s1600/DSCN2995.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8Rol-nl9AMQ/Vd07xpN-PMI/AAAAAAAAHx8/ZC1u6SMujko/s200/DSCN2995.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cc3ob2cFWuA/Vd074AEt75I/AAAAAAAAHyM/1qB-x4pHcuk/s1600/DSCN2994.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cc3ob2cFWuA/Vd074AEt75I/AAAAAAAAHyM/1qB-x4pHcuk/s200/DSCN2994.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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She was a baby not too long ago. Now she's a little girl. And she's growing all the time. Next year she'll be starting school. Before I know it she'll be a young lady. The older I get the faster time seems to go by. The Summer has gone by in a flash. We're into September already. Soon it will be Halloween. Then Christmas. Then another New Year. It blows my mind. I guess that's why I'm a photoholic. Pictures stop time. They freeze everything. You get to keep that moment forever. The blue skies and the seagulls and the smiles and my little girl, still little. <br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Dk6ecABq0_M/Veu9VrxWL8I/AAAAAAAAH_Y/cotqtLbJdmU/s1600/DSCN4413.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Dk6ecABq0_M/Veu9VrxWL8I/AAAAAAAAH_Y/cotqtLbJdmU/s200/DSCN4413.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-irhMbAiRlOg/VfEv5I1Jx2I/AAAAAAAAIRY/ksIfe6iRKnA/s1600/DSCN4616.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-irhMbAiRlOg/VfEv5I1Jx2I/AAAAAAAAIRY/ksIfe6iRKnA/s320/DSCN4616.JPG" width="216" /></a>Every time Michelle and I went to Port Dover was a different experience. When we went on weekends during the Summer, it was a MADHOUSE. So crowded the parking lots were full and you had to step over bodies to get a spot on the beach. Michelle wasn't a fan of those times (nor was I) so we tried to avoid weekends from then on. Going there mid-week in September was a treat. The weather was still warm but we had the beach almost to ourselves! Michelle loved having so much room to run around and play in the sand. I liked setting up camp under one of the palm trees (this is prime real estate when the beach is crowded. After all, how many places can you bask in the sun under a palm tree IN CANADA?! Not very many!) <br />
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Michelle LOVES the sand and brings half the beach with her when we go. There's sand in her hair even after a couple of baths. There's sand in my purse, the car, the carpet at home. It's OK. It's worth it. Someday I'd love to actually LIVE by the beach. Just waiting on that lottery win...<br />
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Aside from all our trips to Port Dover, Michelle and I had an awesome time at Wasaga Beach with the whole family. It's an annual event. We all meet up at Wasaga Beach then head to Mike's place up north for a BBQ. They were calling for thunderstorms but we prayed for a nice day & the rain literally held out until we got back to our cars and then stopped before we got to Mike's. A Pincivero miracle! LOL. It was a perfect day. Michelle had such a great time she said "That was the coolest day EVER!" on our way home.<br />
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Family is very important to me. I am so grateful to have a close-knit family that gets together often. Especially my Mom and sister. We see them regularly. Michelle loves playing with her cousins Reggie and Shannon.<br />
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Usually we head to May's or Grandma's house. Once in a while they come to our place for a visit. One time May's car broke down on the way and Michelle mentions it ALL the time. "Mama, can I tell you something? Auntie May's car BROKE DOWN!" "Yes I know sweetheart that was months ago. But she got it fixed." "Yes but <br />
our old car broke down & we couldn't fix it so we got a new one." "That's right. Our old car was TOO old. It had too many things wrong and couldn't be fixed so we got a new one." (We've had this same conversation several times in the car on the way to May's or my Mom's place. Each time Michelle talks about it as if it just happened. "Mama, can I tell you something?" Here we go again...)<br />
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It's always fun getting together with Auntie May, whether we just hang out at home or go somewhere. Nobody understands me or makes me laugh like my sister! And Michelle always has a blast with her cousins. Burlington Beach was fun briefly, until it started to rain. Bronte Pool was awesome. Michelle LOVED it. She was so comfortable in the pool that she went in deeper than she's ever gone. She was even making me a little nervous that she was going to go too deep. Usually she wouldn't go into the water past her knees. The kids loved the Children's Play Farm at Bronte Creek Provincial Park too. And I'm a sucker for cheesy photo ops!<br />
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My Mom suggested Gulliver's Lake one day. We hadn't been there in years. Michelle loved it.
The water was calm and clean and she felt comfortable walking and splashing around in it. I even got to swim and float on my back for a bit which is a rare treat -- something I can only do when my Mom and sister are there to watch Michelle. And it helps to have still water without waves throwing you around. Floating on my back in the cool water, staring up at the blue sky felt like a temporary vacation. A moment of freedom. And then seconds later I look over to make sure Michelle is OK. Control freak that I am, I could never really take a vacation away from Michelle. I know that some parents do go away without their kids sometimes. I just can't imagine it. I'd worry too much. If I ever do go to Hawaii, or any of the places on my bucket list, it will be WITH Michelle. <br />
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The only break I ever get from Michelle is when I go to work and then I miss her. My favourite part of the day is coming home to see her. She's always so excited to see me. She runs and hugs and kisses me. "MAMA! I'm so happy to see you! I MISSED YOU!" Or if I'm working nightshift I crawl into the bed next to her and she's so happy to wake up and see me there. "Mama! You're home!" I'm grateful to have my Mom and Dad to look after Michelle and also thankful to have a job where I can work fewer days and have more time to spend with her. Despite sacrifices I've had to make (financial and otherwise), this time is priceless to me. She won't be this young for long and it's so important to me to have as much time with her as possible. I also don't want to burden my parents too much with looking after her. Although they adore her, it is exhausting for them. And I refuse to leave her with a stranger. Yet. I know next year she'll be starting school. And then I'll have to leave her with a teacher all day. It will be very hard to let go!<br />
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The biggest occasion of the Summer, for me, was Michelle's 3rd Birthday. I had been buying and putting aside presents for months. I wanted her day to be special. Though I'm not much of a baker (AT ALL!) I asked Michelle what kind of a cake she wanted. I don't know what I was expecting but I didn't expect her to say she wanted a "castle" cake. Wait, what?! I looked around for a castle cake pan and there didn't seem to be such a thing. Then my Mom suggested I try Bulk Barn. I never shop there. I don't bake and I'm not a big fan of candy so I never go in there. It is a whole other world in there! I found the castle cake pan all right and all the accessories and icings I needed to decorate it. What on Earth had I gotten myself into?! I showed Michelle the cake pan. She was all excited. My Mom said I'm spoiling her, giving her literally everything she asks for. But I gotta be me. All I remember as a kid is Mom saying "No!" to everything. So I try to be a "Yes" Mom. I had my doubts that my creation would turn out anything like the picture but I wanted to give it a shot. So I got an extra cake mix and did a "practice" cake first. Good thing too because I learned a lot by trial and error and honed my icing techniques. I had NEVER squeezed icing out of a tube before and for hours on end. My wrists were aching by the end. But I did it. And Michelle was THRILLED. There it was a pink and purple castle with a gazillion little dabs of icing that I had to squeeze out. One. By. One. How does anyone do this and survive?! I see now why they charge so much for specialty cakes. After what I went through I think I'd be charging $10,000 a cake!<br />
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And then, the big day arrived! My baby was three years old! I got her a dazzling turquoise dress to wear on her birthday. She loved it. She's a little Diva already and loves dressing up. Michelle was excited about her birthday. She'd been going on about it for months. <br />
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My sister kindly offered to have the party at her place since it was more convenient for everyone and has the most room. It was a bit of a challenge loading up two cakes and all the presents to transport to Auntie May's but I managed. (I had to buy a special cake carrier. I figured I'd already invested enough into the Castle Cake enterprise so might as well travel with it in style.) Everyone was impressed with my creation. Especially since they know I am NOT a baker. Usually I'd just get a store bought cake or slap some icing messily on a cake mix cake. But for my girl, anything! If Princess wants a castle, she's getting one!<br />
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Michelle got a little spoiled of course, mostly by me. She was happy with her presents. She was especially excited about her Elsa dress (I'd picked it up when it went on sale.) She is still a Frozen fanatic. <br />
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After her birthday I took her for her three year check-up at the doctor. I was relieved she didn't have to get any needles this time around (the next round isn't for a couple of years). Michelle kept cracking me up in the waiting room. She was in a dress and kept trying to lift it up. I told her not to do that but to sit like a "lady." "I don't WANT to sit like an OLD LADY!" Michelle protested. Everyone was staring. I couldn't stop laughing. I whispered, through laughter "Not an old lady, just a lady. You don't lift your dress up in public!" I was worried she'd embarrass me in front of the doctor but she was good as gold. The doctor was impressed by how intelligent, cooperative, sweet and polite she was. She even called the doctor by name. (I told her the doctor's name beforehand.) The doctor remarked how tall Michelle was (in the 98th percentile for height for her age.) I told her Michelle is already wearing size 5-6. I was taken aback, and very happy when the doctor said "You've done a great job with her. You're an amazing Mom. She's a healthy, happy, very bright little girl." It made my day! (Heck it made my life!) I've worked so hard and made so many sacrifices to do what I felt was right for Michelle. I've had people put in their two cents (which is what it's worth and they did away with pennies for a reason! Keep it to yourself dude!) -- "You shouldn't co-sleep with her" or "You're spoiling her," "You're going to be sorry" etc but at the end of the day, Michelle is happy, healthy, feels loved and is a funny, smart, loving, wonderful girl. I don't think you should bully people into raising their children the way you saw fit to raise yours. Maybe your kid turned out OK because of you. Maybe they turned out OK in spite of you. I don't care. My kid is not your kid and what worked for them may not for mine. Everyone is different. Live and let live. There are two opposing philosophies of parenting and they will NEVER see eye to eye. You have to do what works for you. I admit I'm a textbook Helicopter/Attachment Parent. This is who I am and what works for me. I don't go out and harass parents with different life choices. That's just not me. At the end of the day as long as your kid is happy, healthy and you're not hurting him/her, fill your boots. It's funny -- as much as my Mom likes to tell me all the things I do wrong, even Mom admits that I've done a good job. And it's nice to hear her say how proud she is of me and what a great Mom I am. It's kind of surreal. I never saw myself as a Mom. I didn't think I could do it. Ironically the one role I never imagined for myself is the one that has brought the most joy and meaning to my life. I'm very grateful for the biggest surprise and miracle of my life. Michelle was definitely meant to be. <br />
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It's funny how we learn. We try, practice, stumble and fall, get discouraged, think we're never going to get it and then suddenly something just clicks and it becomes second nature. <br />
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Michelle had been trying to ride a tricycle since she was 2. I tried to teach her -- one foot at a time, the up foot goes down and you have to steer. Sometimes I'd get frustrated because she wasn't getting it and it seemed so basic. She was able to ride cousin Reggie's tricycle at Auntie May's but couldn't seem to ride her own. The wheels seemed too stiff or something. I tried oiling them but nothing seemed to help. Then one day before her 3rd birthday, I heard a rumbling sound. The sound of Michelle riding her little pink tricycle down the hallway, perfectly, one foot after another, steering and everything! Suddenly it just clicked. I had told her that once she could ride her trike perfectly indoors that she could ride it outside. So I took her out and she loved it. We went around the block. <br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Obg0jwe1NBM/VeveWBLz1DI/AAAAAAAAIIM/6ixRclPPLVs/s1600/DSCN4386.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Obg0jwe1NBM/VeveWBLz1DI/AAAAAAAAIIM/6ixRclPPLVs/s320/DSCN4386.JPG" width="227" /></a>One day at the park she met a girl who was 4 years old and had a bicycle with training wheels. Michelle wanted to try it so they let her. She did pretty well. I thought maybe she was ready. She had just mastered the tricycle. Was it too soon to consider a bicycle? <br />
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I took Michelle to Toys R Us just to look. I figured if they had something the right size & the right price I'd let her try it out and if she could ride it, I'd buy it. She'd need a bike eventually anyway so why wait? She's only 3 but she's the size of a 4 year old. I found a cute little purple bike that was on sale (a lot less than I'd expected to spend. I guess because it wasn't a name brand or Disney themed one -- those were twice the price.)Michelle LOVED it. She test drove it all around the store and rode it up to the cash for me to pay for it. Though it was a big gift I didn't want to save it for Christmas because then she'd miss out on months of enjoying it before Winter. I got her a fairy helmet to go with it. Michelle was over the moon. I said "You better be a really REALLY good girl now!" "I will Mama!" she promised. I asked her "Who's the luckiest girl?"<br />
An enthusiastic "MEEEEEEEE!" was the reply. <br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LtU4tjDH9BU/VevevoC92PI/AAAAAAAAII0/YvX5uxWAba0/s1600/DSCN4444.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LtU4tjDH9BU/VevevoC92PI/AAAAAAAAII0/YvX5uxWAba0/s320/DSCN4444.JPG" width="241" /></a>I started to tear up a little seeing Michelle on her bike. She looks like such a big girl. She was a baby not too long ago and couldn't even hold her head up. Now she's pedaling down the street almost too fast for me to keep up. <br />
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Michelle had a blast. We went around the block once and she wanted to go around again. The next night she wanted to go even farther. It was stressful for me though, control freak that I am, coaching her the whole way: "Watch where you're going! Look straight ahead not at your feet! Steer! Be careful! Not too fast! Slow down at the end of the sidewalk, you have to turn!" On her first day she wiped out twice on the grass when she got distracted by a dog and wasn't looking. She didn't get hurt at least. I was a nervous wreck. I saw other kids riding bikes on the road, alone, racing around. They didn't look much bigger than her (but were probably twice her age.) I couldn't imagine just letting her go off on her own like that. Even at 6 years old. Or 10 for that matter. I don't know if I'd ever want her out on her own. Not until she's a teenager. Even then I'll worry.<br />
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The bike earned me some brownie points for sure. The morning after she got her bike she woke up and said "You're the BESTEST MAMA of them all!" and gave me a big hug. I didn't have the heart to tell her bestest wasn't a word. Frankly it should be. When you're better than the best! LOL<br />
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I don't know if it's because she's a Leo (naturally born bold, confident Lion!) or because I've always showered her with praise and attention, encouraged her, let her win at games, catered to her every whim, (or maybe it's a combination of nature & nurture) but Michelle is definitely not shy. She has all the nerve in the world. Too much sometimes. She's very social, outgoing, the loudest one wherever we go, wants to be in the limelight, life of the party. (Basically the opposite of her shy, shrinking violet Mama!) I've tried to warn her about strangers but she will go up to anyone & say hello. At the park she actually goes up to kids and says "Hi little girl. What's your name? My name is Michelle." Sometimes she even tries to introduce herself to pre-teen boys. I try to explain that sometimes it's inappropriate. "Those boys are older. They don't want to play with a little girl." When she finds a girl about 4 or 5 years old though, it's just perfect and they get along wonderfully. I don't worry about Michelle when she goes to school. She'll be just fine. She'll probably love meeting all the kids and she loves learning. It will be great for her. It will be hardest on me. I'll have a REALLY tough time letting go.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhYWSYw4KlU/Ve_H-3uFSlI/AAAAAAAAIJw/0LNaRWYAZ54/s1600/DSCN4112.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhYWSYw4KlU/Ve_H-3uFSlI/AAAAAAAAIJw/0LNaRWYAZ54/s200/DSCN4112.JPG" width="200" /></a><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CDKSiDJTeQg/Ve_NR9JL3yI/AAAAAAAAILA/rnr8S8K5XDQ/s1600/DSCN4350.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CDKSiDJTeQg/Ve_NR9JL3yI/AAAAAAAAILA/rnr8S8K5XDQ/s320/DSCN4350.JPG" width="240" /></a>As much as I am a control freak and rather cautious because I don't want Michelle to be hurt, at the same time I know that the only way for her to learn is to let go somewhat & give her room to try things. Perfect example: The rock climbing wall at the park. Even Michelle was a little hesitant to try it until recently (probably because she sensed my fear as I hovered waiting to catch her fall.) But then all of a sudden she was ready and wanted to try it "It's OK. You can do it." I encouraged her. I was still close by to catch her but I backed off a little. She started to pull herself up. I told her where it would be best to put each hand and foot. She started to get the rhythm of it. When she was almost at the top she panicked and said "Mama, I'm scared. Get me down!" The worrier in me nearly did pull her down but then I realized if I bailed her out she'd never learn. And she was so close. "It's OK. Try. You can make it. You're almost there. One hand and one foot at a time & pull yourself up." And she did it. When she reached the top, you could see the pride in her face. She was just beaming. "I did it Mama!" "Yes! You did! I told you you could!" It's like the tricycle opened a doorway to mastery of other challenges. She's building her independence. Even at the pool at one point Michelle said "I'm OK. I don't need you. I like deep water." I explained that no, she couldn't swim yet and I needed to be nearby and that she shouldn't go too deep. I didn't have swimming lessons as a child and have never been a strong swimmer. To this day I have a fear of deep water. I need to be able to touch the bottom or I panic. <br />
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It's a tough balance to try to protect your kids from getting hurt but give them enough space to grow. Everyone is different. Some parents don't hover at all. They feel comfortable to leave their kids to fend for themselves and figure if they get hurt, oh well, they'll learn and toughen up. There's a wide spectrum of parenting with Smothering on one end and Neglect on the other. If you smother, your child will never learn to be independent. If you neglect, your child will never feel loved. I'm closer to the smothering end. I guess somewhere in the middle would be ideal. Watching your kids but also giving them room to develop independence. It's in my nature to worry (I inherited it from my Mom!) but sometimes I have to force myself to go outside my comfort zone. I remember as a kid my Mom saying "No" to a lot of things -- school trips, buying us junk food etc. She said it was for our own good but I always felt deprived that I didn't get to do things other kids did. I try to be a "Yes" Mom with Michelle. Within reason I give her just about everything she asks for (if I can afford it.) And I try to take her on adventures and give her opportunities to try new things. And when the time comes (though it may kill me!) I will let her go on those school trips (maybe I'll see if there's a way I can volunteer and go along. Helicopter parent that I am!)<br />
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Recently Michelle informed me that she's not a little girl, that she's actually a lady. I tried to explain to her that no, she is still a little girl and then she'll be a bigger girl, then a teenager, then a lady. <br />
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She's a little Diva already. Princess that she is she feels at home in a tiara. She loves dressing up and putting on makeup. She doesn't even mind me taking photos. She'll strike silly poses for me and smile. <br />
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She loves when we spend "girlie days" at home and do crafts with glitter and glue or dress up like princesses and do our makeup and nails. I've created a monster of course but I love it too. I'm a girlie girl as well. This was one of the reasons I was hoping for a girl. <br />
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She's growing up so fast sometimes I think "Oh my God! She DOES look like a little lady!"<br />
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Of course she is still my wild and crazy little girl and I'm never quite sure what she's going to do. After what I went through the first time, anyone in their right mind would have avoided the Water Park like the plague. But hope springs eternal and I wanted to give it, and Michelle, another shot. I was glad that I did because Michelle did a complete 180. The first time she hated everything. This time, she LOVED it all.<br />
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Though she still wasn't a fan of getting water in her eyes (I'm not either for that matter) Michelle had a blast running amok and splashing in the Splash Pad, she had fun with me in the pool and she loved the Lazy River. The most fun for me was watching her in the Splash Pad and snapping photos like a fiend. I love capturing her smiles. <br />
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Sometimes Michelle just needs to get used to something, to feel comfortable with it. I don't want to miss out on opportunities and fun that Michelle and I can have together because I'm worried how it might go. I don't want to limit our adventures. I might even try a bouncy castle again! Sure. Maybe if there wasn't a long line and it didn't cost a fortune. I believe in second chances. Besides, it's almost like turning 3 was a magical switch. All of a sudden Michelle can do anything: ride a bike, climb mountains, face her fears. And she's thrice as nice! Sweeter, more loving and affectionate than she's ever been. She's always hugging and kissing me and saying she loves me. She even grabs my face and gives me a kiss on each cheek. That's the Italian in her coming out I guess. My dad's relatives used to do that. She calls me "the bestest Mom" and her "best friend." I tell her she's the best little girl in the world. And I really mean that. She may not be the easiest child to deal with but she's extraordinary and I'm incredibly grateful to be her Mom. OK maybe I'm a little biased. But even complete strangers after talking with her for a few minutes are struck by and comment on how remarkably intelligent, sweet and unique she is. She's a character!<br />
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I can't believe we're midway through September already. Next year at this time Michelle will be in school! I'm dreading it but Michelle, social butterfly that she is, will love it. Both for the social aspect and the learning aspect. Michelle is eager to learn. Her vocabulary is nothing short of miraculous. She'll say things like "You startled me!" Nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, conjunctions. She's even using past tense properly now. (For a while she was saying things like "I runned." "I winned." Now after me correcting her/explaining to her that words change when you're using them in the present or past tense she knows to say "I ran," "I won" etc.) Michelle will tell you an entire story, with details, descriptions, all from her imagination. She keeps asking for definitions of words now because she wants to be sure of their meanings. I got her a workbook to practice writing letters and she loves it. She can do the entire alphabet and is quite adept at linear letters (A, M etc). Curved ones like S still prove to be a challenge sometimes. Sometimes the S is backwards or she turns it into an 8. After developing proficiency with the capital letters I started her on small letters. She adores books and I explained to her that once she recognizes all the letters and knows how to sound them out, she can start to read! A very exciting prospect! She even started to read a few short words. I wrote down CAT and she sounded it out. She even figured out what it would be if I switched "C" for R, B etc. She wrote out the entire alphabet. She did pretty well. Sometimes randomly she does one letter WAY bigger than the rest (usually M or O which are her favourites.) She has been able to write her name for a while and recognizes her name when she sees it. I got her a little sign that says "Michelle Street" and put it on her bedroom door. From what I've read, being able to write and read is unusual at only three years old. </div>
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Michelle is also quite a little artist. A love of art runs in the family (my niece and I are artists). Her drawings are quite advanced/detailed for her age. I find them both adorable and frightening. She did a portrait of us at the beach (above left). The sun is massive and I have a rather demented smile. Michelle explained that I was REALLY happy. I've heard of smiling from ear to ear but I seem to be grinning from eye to eye (and frankly I don't think I've ever been that happy. I don't think it's humanly possible!) Almost as disturbing is my wardrobe malfunction (the bikini seems to be falling off of me!) She did a portrait of a bunny Mama and baby which is cute and quirky as is her style. It's always Mama and baby. I wonder when she goes to school and sees other kids drawing their families if she'll be tempted to draw a father figure. Anytime she mentions daddies I explain that every family is different -- some kids just have a mommy or just a daddy or both or two mommies or two daddies or just grandparents or who knows? As long as there's someone to love and take care of them it's OK. She has a Mama that loves her more than anything. One day she might have a Step Daddy (if that elusive Mr. Right -- a combination of Jesus, Superman and Will Ferrell -- finally shows up! But he's M.I.A. so far! LOL) For now, we're OK on our own. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5rz_bBYMBU/Ve_Nu4MTj7I/AAAAAAAAILg/7d2JtyQHFm0/s1600/DSCN4374.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5rz_bBYMBU/Ve_Nu4MTj7I/AAAAAAAAILg/7d2JtyQHFm0/s320/DSCN4374.JPG" width="257" /></a>The other day Michelle asked me to read Robert Munsch's "I'll Love You Forever." I sighed. I hadn't read it in a while. I have a hard time getting through it because I bawl my eyes out every time. I'm a sentimental fool. I always have been but now that I'm a Mom it's even worse. It's a beautiful story but so sad. So I started to read. It didn't take long for me to get choked up. Michelle looked at me curiously as a tear trickled down my face. She didn't understand why it was sad. My voice cracked as I tried to sing "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." "Why are you sad Mama?" Michelle asked. "Because you're my baby. And you'll always be my baby but you're growing so fast. And just like the Mom in the book, I love you very much and I always will, even when you drive me crazy. And even when you're a grown lady, you'll still be my baby & I'll watch over you. Until maybe one day you'll watch over me..." When the man carries his Mom it's just too much and I start bawling. I think about my own parents getting older. I think about me getting older. I'm an older Mom after all. I want to be healthy and strong and live a long life so I can watch Michelle as she gets older. To see the woman that she becomes. <br />
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"Look how fast I can run, Mama!" "Wow!" I say (because she expects a reaction.) I'm just afraid that she's going too fast, that it's all going too fast. And I want to hold on.</div>
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This post has taken me a while. I'd originally planned to do just a short blurb about Michelle's birthday but that didn't quite pan out. I went through each month's photos and started to write and then kept adding to it (when I had a few minutes here and there) little by little as time went by. The problem then was that the more time that went by, the more things there were to include. Then I had to catch up on July, August AND September. It became overwhelming. I don't know why I feel compelled to add so many photos (still only a fraction of what I take!) I wish I could just write a short entry and post one photo and call it a day but this has become like a diary or historical record of Michelle growing up and when I go through the pictures I want to use them all. Each one captures a moment that I don't want to forget. The pictures and this blog of course are my way of holding on because Michelle is growing so fast. <br />
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The last few times I wrote a blog I thought maybe it would be my last one. But this time I'm pretty sure it won't be. I don't know when my next post will be (maybe after Halloween? Or Christmas?) but I would like to continue writing. As difficult as it is to find the time I enjoy having a place to collect my thoughts, memories and photos and to share them with others. Thank you for reading and sharing my journey for the past three years!Ann Marie Pinciverohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07856927457201274465noreply@blogger.com0