Quickening

It was a relief to let the cat out of the bag!

Everyone has been so kind and supportive. I was nervous about making the announcement at work but they were wonderful. One girl even said "I've got goosebumps!" when I told them the shocking news. No one ever expected to hear this from me. I can imagine the story travelling through the grapevine "Guess who's pregnant?" No one would ever have guessed me. More than a few jaws dropped to the floor I'm sure. It was pretty much common knowledge that I was a single girl who didn't plan to have kids. It's amazing how much your priorities can change! Now this baby means the world to me.

It feels good to share the news with the world. Acquaintances, strangers, anyone who will listen! During the first trimester, I was trying to keep the baby a secret. I'd known so many people who had suffered the heartbreak of losing a child within the first few months of pregnancy. I wanted to wait until I was safely into the second trimester to be sure. It was getting increasingly difficult to hold back though. Especially when anyone would discuss babies or pregnancy. I just had to smile and keep quiet.

As I put on weight it was becoming more challenging to camouflage. I was running out of oversized sweaters to hide the belly and it was awkward walking around with my pants undone. I'd gone up a couple of bra sizes (do I get to keep the new boobs after I have the baby?!) and bras were so uncomfortable I just couldn't wear them anymore. I even went out and got a new one (went from a 34B to a 36C. Now I'm not even sure what size I am because I just stopped wearing a bra. I felt strangled in them) but still wasn't comfortable. One day on the way to work I ended up removing my bra through my sleeve in line at the Tim Hortons Drive-Thru (that's no easy feat under a sweater and winter coat let me tell you!) My sister gave me a bag of her old maternity clothes. What a treat those jeans and pants are with the stretchy waistband! Heaven! I picked up a few things here and there myself. I was surprised that department stores didn't have a maternity section. Don't women have babies anymore?! Other than specialty stores like Thyme Maternity, I couldn't find anything. Luckily a lot of the current styles are loose and blousy, flaring out at the waist. Perfect as maternity wear. I got a few cute tops and things at Giant Tiger. I absolutely LOVE that store! Really nice clothes and inexpensive. A single mom on a tight budget, I need all the help I can get!

I've gained 25 lbs so far. Ironically just last year I had FINALLY reached my target weight through a combination of yoga, dancing, long walks and Jillian Michaels' (sadist that she is!) "30 Day Shred." I got down to 125 lbs which I hadn't been since my 20's. My mother says it was meant to be that I was in perfect health and ready to have a baby. That certainly wasn't my plan! Maybe healthwise I was more like a 20-30 year old than a 40 year old. (Maturity-wise for sure! I still feel like a kid!) Everyone says I look much younger than I am. Little did I know that I wouldn't stay at my goal weight very long. Everything was about to change. My dream was to move somewhere tropical and live in a bikini. My biological clock apparently had an agenda of its own...

  

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I don't mind the new curves though. I actually feel more beautiful and more womanly than I've ever felt.  I know I'll be even bigger in the next trimester. Due in July, I'll be at my largest through the summer. I love the beach. I may forego the bikinis this year and do tankinis. Though I've seen quite a few pregnant celebrities that are still rocking the bikini so who knows? Maybe I'll be daring! I don't want to burn the belly though.

The second trimester has been a treat compared to the first. The nauseau stopped -- thank Heaven! I guess in the beginning your body is going through so many changes setting up for the baby that it takes so much out of you physically and makes you sick. By the second trimester the baby is in its own little biosphere so it's not as much of a strain on your body. I've been lucky though because I have talked to women who suffered from terrible nausea throughout the pregnancy.

My absolute favourite thing about being pregnant so far is QUICKENING! First of all I love the word. It sounds magical somehow.

quickening

the first motion of a fetus in the uterus felt by the mother, usually somewhat before the middle of the period of gestation.

Quicken also means to make alive, to kindle, to cause to burn more intensely, to make a curve sharper, to come to life, to shine more brightly. All of which seem appropriate too. I do feel more alive than ever with this miraculous little life growing inside me.

The quickening started around 18 weeks for me. At first it was so subtle I hardly realized what it was. I might have dismissed it as gas or something. I had done some reading though (my sister had given me her copy of the obligatory "What to Expect When You're Expecting," a friend gave me "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" and my doctor had given me "Healthy Beginnings.") and knew that fetal movement could start any time after the 14th week or so. Of course the baby moves before then but she's too small for you to feel it. Once I knew what to look for it became more obvious.   

At my 19 week ultrasound the baby was moving so much the technician had a hard time getting pictures. "You've really got a mover in there!" the girl said. During my doctor's appointment at 21 weeks, when she put the stethoscope to my belly the doctor exclaimed "A good strong heartbeat and a kick!" Maybe she'll be a gymnast or a dancer.

The baby is going to be a night owl like her Mama it seems! I rarely feel any movement in the morning. The most movement seems to be in the late afternoon and in the wee hours of the morning. During the day when I'm moving around I don't notice it as much. Sometimes I notice it when I'm eating or drinking. I wonder how quickly the food makes its way to her. Mostly I feel the baby moving when I'm laying still in bed, or especially in the bath. Baby, like Mama, seems to LOVE bubble baths. It's there that she moves the most. I love the feeling. It's a ticklish kind of bubbling up feeling. A fluttering like butterflies. I've also heard people  describe it as popcorn popping or little goldfish swimming around. Especially in the water it feels like she's swimming in there! Sometimes when my ears are submerged in the water I think I can hear both of our heartbeats. The steady rhythm of my own and a hint of her quicker one in the background.

It's such a bonding experience when I feel the baby moving. When I'm home or in the car, everytime she stirs I talk to her "Hey baby! Mama loves you." I try not to do it when I'm out though (I don't want someone to have me committed!) at work or grocery shopping but I can't help but crack a little smile. It's like our little secret and sometimes I'll rub my tummy and whisper to her "Love you baby." It's an amazing feeling of connection -- to be at one with someone. I never imagined I could feel so much love. People tried to tell me how you change once you become a Mom, but until this happened it wasn't something I could understand.

She responds to my voice too which I love. I'll be driving with the radio on and start to sing along and as soon as I start to sing, baby starts to move. I'm looking forward to singing lullabies to the baby and I've already started doing it every night before bed. I've also gotten into a routine of reading "Goodnight Moon" to her every night.

I know that the baby hears everything now and though they can't understand language, they do pick up rhythms in speech and it prepares them for learning to talk. I also read that if you read a story to a baby in utero, the baby remembers the story on some level and when you read it to the child later they will find it comforting because it will remind them of the safe environment of the womb. The baby has started responding -- as soon as I read the story she starts to move. It seems like she recognizes it already.

My mother, while pregnant with me, said she didn't have any food cravings but she had a craving for reading. She never liked reading, but while I was inside her, she read the entire Bible aloud, cover to cover! (My Mom can't read in her head. Not even the newspaper. It's comical to watch her.) She thought that it was nourishing my young mind. I think it was a beautiful gesture for her to do that. I do think there is something to it. I was a straight A student all through school and university and I've always had a love of writing. English was my best subject. I've written thousands of poems (a few published), a few short stories and hundreds of songs.

I want to do all the best things for my baby too. I love her so much already and I haven't even met her yet! Knowing that what I do and say and feel now can affect her, I try not to put myself under stress. Work is becoming more difficult. Twelve hour shifts take a toll on me. I do feel much more tired than I used to and often have trouble sleeping but I try to catch up on sleep on my days off. Being hormonal of course there are times I am emotional. I was a sentimental fool before being pregnant. Now it's a millionfold. I tear up pretty easily. Also with everything that I've been through (February was a heartbreaking month, if you haven't checked out my previous blog posts to learn my story so far, have a look) occasionally I do feel overwhelmed and need to cry it out. It's a release, a relief. Afterward I reassure the baby that everything is OK. I sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and "Three Little Birds." I love this video, by the way, a very sweet take on the Bob Marley song:

Overall I feel happier than I ever have. There's a sense of peace and purpose that comes from living for someone else. I never had that before. This kind of love was foreign to me. There was family and friend love. Romantic love. Love of Nature. I always felt like I had so much love to give. But the love I have for this child is something else entirely. It is larger than me. It is deeper than anything. It puts everything else in perspective. Any sacrifices I have to make are worth it. Things I used to think were important really don't matter anymore. Being a Mom supercedes anything. I never thought I had a maternal side. I suppose I'm a very late bloomer. I have been in everything else. Better late than never. My maternal instincts are kicking in -- protectiveness, nurturing and unconditional love.

This was meant to be. I look back on my life's journey and I'm grateful for all the adventures and experiences. Even the ones that broke my heart. They all led me here. And here is a pretty good place to be. It won't always be easy but it is definitely worth it.

Life is such a miracle. There is a little person growing inside me! It still kind of blows my mind. And there is so much I want to teach her and so much I can learn from her. This is the adventure of a lifetime. I'm grateful for this unexpected gift.  

She just moved. She must be wondering what I'm doing up this early on a Saturday morning off. I was sound asleep before 10 pm last night. I used to go out dancing til 2 a.m. on a Friday night. Now it's a treat to crawl into bed early and read Goodnight Moon. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.

"Hey baby! Mama loves you!"