Cutest Halloween Moments

I've always enjoyed answering the door to the kids on Halloween night but this year was even more fun since I was answering with a baby in my arms. Kids are so cute. They just say what pops into their heads. The youngest trick or treaters come early in the night. They started at 5:30 pm. I had several people say "Cute baby" and "cute skeleton." One of my favourite comments was from one little girl (a princess) who said "I like your baby!" as though Michelle was an accessory like a purse or a pair of shoes. I replied "Thanks. I like her too!" Maybe she did look like an accessory perched on my arm. I was dressed in black too and carrying a black cat head full of chocolate bars to give out. I was pleased that Michelle was so good throughout the night but then I didn't put her down the whole time. I finally wound up singing her to sleep with the lullabye from Rosemary's Baby "La la la la la la la la la la la la..." which is admittedly creepy but I was in the holiday spirit!

Another adorable comment came from a little boy who asked "Is that a real baby?" I laughed and said "No. She's just a baby for Halloween. She's a grown-up the rest of the time!" He cocked his head and asked "Really?" It was too adorable. I had to set him straight. "No no. I'm just being silly!" How did he actually think an adult could shrink down to the size of an infant for one night? Then again, children believe that Santa can fly all over the world in one night and put gifts under billions of trees. It's amazing what young children will accept as true. I guess I'll have to be careful about kidding around while Michelle is young! I don't want to mess with her head.

Michelle in her skeleton sleeper was a hit with the kids and the parents. A few mothers admired her and congratulated me. One father who was walking with his kids said "Beautiful baby! How old is she? 3 weeks?" "3 months" I answered. I guess she looks young for her age. At first I thought she was such a big baby. (Let's face it 9 lbs 4 ounces at birth is big!) but now that she's three months she just seems a normal size (though she is 12 lbs 4 ounces and wearing 3-6 and 6 month old clothes). People say she's a "petite" baby.

 

Speaking of petite it looks like I won't be any time soon. Not only can I not seem to psych myself up to start the 30 Day Shred but now I have a bunch of bite sized chocolate bars tempting me. I went out and got extra Halloween candy so that I wouldn't run out and now I have leftovers. I thought it would be cute if Michelle held some candy for a picture. Don't worry I wouldn't actually give her Smarties! Even when she starts solid foods I won't be giving her chocolate for a while. The Smarties made a good rattle. They're one of my favourites. I should have only bought candy that I don't like so that there would be no temptation. Oh well. At least we're heading into winter so I can hide the mommy tummy under layers. I'll try to start working out before the Summer at least. That seems a lifetime away at this point but then I know how quickly the time goes. This year has flown by. 

 

Now that Halloween is over, Christmas is just around the corner. My first Christmas with baby! I'm so excited. It will be even more special when she's old enough to appreciate it. I'm not sure how to handle the whole "Santa" thing. My mother never let us believe in Santa. She said she didn't feel it's right to lie. We knew that Christmas was the day Jesus was born in a manger and frankly, that's a better story. Later on I thought it wasn't fair of her to deprive us of the whole Saint Nick fantasy but then Christmas was still exciting. We got a lot of gifts. We just knew that they were all from Mom. I still enjoyed Christmas specials about Santa. I knew that there was a real person named Saint Nicholas who at one point went around giving gifts to people. But the jolly old man in the red suit with the flying reindeer bit did seem a little far-fetched, even to my young mind. I remember once being in a grocery store bakery when I was a kid and seeing a cake with a Santa head on it. The woman behind the counter (who was a little confused herself) said "That's a cake for Santa's birthday!" "Christmas is Jesus' birthday" I corrected her. I was a precocious little thing. I also came from a Catholic mother who read the entire Bible while pregnant with me. So, I'm torn. Part of me wants to carry out the whole Santa Claus ruse like everyone else, wrapping up gifts labeled from Santa and putting out milk and cookies but another part of me doesn't feel it is right to lie. Either way I want her to have happy, magical Christmases.

 

My scariest Halloween moment was when I misplaced my nipple! I use a rubber nipple shield for breastfeeding and it is a life-saver. I couldn't get by without it. In the commotion of Halloween, back and forth to the door (luckily I managed to squeeze a feeding in between answering the door to trick or treaters) I had lost it. I was in a panic. I have an emergency back-up one still in the package but I wanted to keep that as a souvenir and I'm not even sure where it is for that matter. I started looking frantically. What if I couldn't find it before her next feeding? I couldn't do the bare nipple thing. The last time I did that was when I first brought her home from the hospital and she chewed me to bits! (Literally. I was bruised and bleeding!) I usually have the shield sitting on a tissue after feeding, waiting to be washed. I checked by the sink. It was nowhere to be found. I was afraid I'd accidentally thrown it away. Then I suddenly saw it stuck to the oven! I guess the oven wanted to be a breast for Halloween! After feeding Michelle I had rushed to the kitchen to pick up the candy and answer the door and I guess I dropped it at that point. I was so relieved to find it. 

 

Michelle fell asleep in my arms and stayed asleep even when the last of the stragglers were at the door trick or treating at close to 8 pm. "I hope I didn't trick or treat too loud for the baby!" said one boy after realizing there was a sleeping skeleton in my arms. But he hadn't. She seemed quite content with all the commotion of the evening. The doorbell, the knocking, the strangers. I enjoyed my first Halloween with Michelle and I was pleased that it was all wrapped up in time for me to watch Survivor! I'm a reality TV junkie. It's my guilty pleasure. That and sugar. Those Smarties are beckoning me...

 

 



My baby ghoul!

Of course she's too young to go out for Halloween this year but it's still fun to dress her up. I couldn't resist this cute little skeleton sleeper. I'll still dress her up on Halloween night. She can come to the door with me when the kids come trick or treating.

My sister suggested I could take Michelle out but it would be silly. She's too young to understand it at all and obviously the candy would be for me, not her! It would be pretty awkward knocking on doors saying "Trick or treat...Yes she's only 3 months old and breastfeeding, not on solids, but please give me some junk food to stuff my face!" I don't need that kind of temptation anyway. I'm having a hard enough time restraining myself from eating the box of chocolate bars I bought to give out on Halloween as it is! Also taking her out would mean I wouldn't be home to answer the door for the kids. I figure next year when I take her out I'll just go really early and still be back in time to answer the door for most of the kids. I'm trying to remember what time they usually start. I think it's sometime after 6 pm. The little ones with their parents are usually the first out. The bigger kids and teens come later but I think it's usually all wrapped up by 8 or 9 pm. I'll have to pay more attention. I hope I don't run out of candy. (It's taking a lot of self-control for me not to eat it all myself!)

Halloween is a tricky holiday for a single parent. Usually if you had a partner, you'd split the duties. One goes out to walk the child around trick or treating and the other stays home to get the door for the neighbourhood goblins. I never want to be one of those people with the lights out and no candy on Halloween. I know I hated that as a kid when I'd go to a door and no one would be home. It was such a buzzkill when you were racing from porch to porch and then one of them was a dud. How dare people miss Halloween!

My mother never liked Halloween. My sister was surprised that Mom never got a picture of us on Halloween. With all the pictures she had of us, why wouldn't she take one of us in our costumes?! I guess she was just trying to forget the day altogether. But what is cuter than a kid dressed up for Halloween?! I always loved it as a kid and as a young adult, especially in my goth days. Back then (in my 20s) every day was Halloween (just like the "Ministry" song...) I used to go nightclubbing four nights a week downtown back in the day. With my pale skin and dressed in funeral black I looked like a vampire most of the time. On Halloween, I just kicked it up a notch with black wigs, fake blood, etc. I was usually a vampire or a ghoul of some sort. More recently I was a devil a couple of times.

I'm not quite as scary as I used to be! I prefer dance music to alternative now. I own clothing that isn't black. My favourite colours are turquoise and fuschia. I don't really watch horror movies anymore (I prefer comedies.) I paint happy pictures (instead of morbid self-portraits) and write happy songs (instead of dark, depressing poems). I guess I've softened over the years. My days of partying, downtown clubbing, dancing until the wee hours are over. (Though I still do love to dance, now it's with a 12 lb baby in my arms!) I got to enjoy the single life longer than most I suppose. A lot of people "settle down" and have kids in their 20s or 30s. I had another couple of decades to dance all night, stay out late, sleep in. Mind you even in my wildest days I was pretty conservative and always the proverbial good girl. I didn't drink or smoke, never did drugs, never got into trouble. I guess the most reckless thing I did was fall for the wrong men. That's all behind me now. I suppose I could say that I fell for the right man eventually (ironically the most wrong of them all), the one I was meant to meet, because he's the one who gave me my sweet Michelle. He just wasn't meant to stick around. Though he was her biological father, he was unfit to be a Dad.

Mike didn't know his own father. I speculated at one point that it might be Satan. He grinned at that. We watched "Rosemary's Baby" while I was pregnant (probably not the best idea. I wanted to watch movies about pregnancy and he wanted to watch a thriller so that was our compromise!) Mike didn't mind being called a devil. His nickname for me was "Angel." We certainly were opposites. Mike was very drawn to the dark side. He was a goth though he didn't see it that way. He was a horror movie fanatic and was fascinated by all things macabre. I still can't believe that his dungeon of an office filled with skulls, scorpions and swords is now Michelle's nursery! What a transformation. (Of course it had been a guest bedroom/collectibles room filled with dolls before Mike moved in and claimed it as his space.) I actually contributed some artwork to Mike's office when he was setting it up: Some scary black and white self-portraits from my gothic days. He liked them. I had been in a dark place in my 20s. Maybe that was part of what drew me to Mike. I understood some of that sadness and anger and angst. Though his darkness was far blacker than mine ever was. The life he had had made him a pretty messed up boy. Maybe he wasn't evil. Just weak, damaged, broken. There was something beautiful in him, in spite of everything. Behind the tough act. A vulnerability in his stunning blue eyes. Sometimes when I look at Michelle I can't help but see him in her. I try not to see it. Most people say she looks like me. I  hope there is more of me than him in her. I'm pretty sure there is. She definitely takes after my family because there are photos of my nephew as a baby that are IDENTICAL to her. I also see similarities with my own baby photos, my nieces and my brothers.

Michelle is my little devil. And my angel. My sister gave me this little devil costume months ago. At the time I thought it looked huge for her. I didn't think Michelle would fit into it by Halloween but she's grown so much that it's just perfect.

I look forward to future Halloweens with my little girl (ghoul!) Dressing her up and taking her out trick or treating. Visiting a pumpkin patch (total photo op!) Carving pumpkins together. I'll get to relive my childhood again through her. She will keep me young, bringing back the sense of fun and magic at holidays and every day.

She came into my life at the perfect time. I've been pretty immature most of my life. I was a late bloomer. People always guessed my age to be much younger than I was. (I still got asked for I.D. sometimes at bars and casinos!) Partly because I inherited my Mom's anti-aging gene and partly because I still felt and acted like a kid. I never felt like a grown-up. The reason I didn't plan to have kids was that I didn't feel responsible or mature enough. I wouldn't have been ready for it before now. Although I guess it's the act of having kids itself which forces you to grow up. You have to rise to the challenge. You have to be responsible and committed because you don't have a choice. Of course that doesn't mean you have to lose your sense of fun. When I dated men who had children I felt like more of a friend to them than a Mom. I hope I can be a friend as well as a Mom to my little Michelle. I want to be a "cool" Mom. Someone she'd want to hang out with. Of course I will lay down the law as well. I have a little of my mother's overprotective streak in me. I hope I can find the balance between being overly strict and too lenient.

On Devil's Night Michelle will officially be 3 months old. I still can't believe it. The last year and the last few months especially have been such a rollercoaster. Michelle has transformed my life and my self in so many ways. She was worth waiting for. I'm happier than I've ever been. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Even when she's a little devil!

Baby Fever



My little niece having cake!

Babies are messy. I know it. Screaming in the middle of the night (or the middle of the grocery store). Diaper changes. Spitting up. Toys and baby gear everywhere. And when they're old enough to eat solid food -- food everywhere (spaghetti will be fun. And obviously I've seen what they can do with a piece of cake!) It doesn't matter. Babies are cute. I love them. I'm anxious for mine. It won't be long now (due in July!)

It's so strange because most of my life I thought I didn't want kids. When I used to hear an infant wailing in a supermarket I'd cringe and think "Thank God that's not me!" Now I smile lovingly, get a warm feeling in my chest (then again it might be the heartburn!) and think "I can't wait for my own!"

It's like a switch has gone off in my brain since finding out I was pregnant. I'm in Mommy mode. It's hard to imagine now that I wasn't always in this mode. There were fleeting moments when a baby would look at me and smile that I'd feel a small twinge in my heart but not enough to make me want any. I just couldn't go there in my mind. Obviously it was meant to be. I was just a bit of a late bloomer which is only fitting because I have been in everything else. I didn't move out until my late 30s. My sexual peak didn't hit until my 40s. In my teens and 20s I wasn't happy with myself, wasn't comfortable in my own skin. It took a long time for me to reach the point where I felt vibrant and beautiful and open to experience life and its pleasures fully. Most women catch baby fever much younger. They can't wait to start a family. It's one of the things that rushes them to the altar. (I never really got wedding fever, then again I  never met Mr. Right, aka "the one," my soulmate. I met some pretty good imposters, but their true colours would always show long before any engagement ring appeared.) At the rate I was going, I couldn't see me ever getting married or having kids. And I was OK with that. I was just happy to reach a point in my life where I felt good about myself, physically and spiritually. I saw life as a beautiful adventure. I wanted to fall in love, travel, experience life to its fullest. The plan was to eventually relocate to a tropical paradise. I wanted to travel light. I drove a car with two seats and no trunk space. Babies weren't on my radar whatsoever. Not in my wildest dreams.


With my little nephew

People were skeptical when I told them I didn't want children. Especially when they would watch me holding their babies "Doesn't it make you want your own?" they would ask, incredulously. At the time though, it really didn't, "Not even one little bit," I replied smugly. Sure babies were cute and all and it was nice holding them, but I liked handing them back. Nice to visit but I didn't want to live there. I was relieved that I didn't have to hear them screaming at night and change their pea-soup ridden diapers every day. My time was my own. I was free. I could sleep in. Without an adorable little dictator controlling my life. Little did I know. The switch hadn't gone off yet. The switch wouldn't go off until the Fall of 2011 when I was 42 years old and dating a younger (and extremely fertile apparently!) man. Yes it took a scorpion, a balloon and a strange twist of fate to change my mind, my body, and life as I knew it, forever (please read my first blog post -- "Expecting Unexpectedly: My Story Begins" if you haven't yet and are curious how I suddenly found myself pregnant in November of last year.)

Apparently, I would learn later that another scorpion (aside from the one that knocked me up) may have played a role in the whole get-Ann-Marie-unexpectedly-pregnant scheme. My mother, also a Scorpio, told me that she had been praying every night that I would never regret my decision not to have a baby. What?! Mother! Really? Can you please consult me before you have discussions about MY life and reproductive system with the Big Guy?! And if you have that much pull can you maybe say a prayer for me like -- "Please God don't let Ann Marie regret that she never won millions in the lottery?!" Because let me tell you, $30 million would come in handy right about now! It seems that my mother's baby prayers for me were answered in a rather dramatic way. It was, quite tellingly, only a few days after Mom's November birthday that I was "late" and took a pregnancy test to find that YES I was quite pregnant. I guess I know what she wished when she blew out her candles! Thanks, Mom! What have you gotten me into?!

Now I have babies on the brain. Everytime I see one, giggling and cooing on TV, smiling in a magazine ad, sleeping cherub-like on an Anne Geddes card or calendar, or out and about beckoning me from strollers, from mothers' arms, or those irresistible little kangaroo pouches (my sister gave me one -- a "Snugli" -- because the idea of carrying my child like a marsupial is beyond adorable) I'm smitten. Yes I've been hit by a case of full blown Baby Fever! Just a glimpse of a baby and I can't help but smile, experience a pang of longing, an uncontrollable wave of affection and start to tear up a little in anticipation of my own little one. Baby strollers are like magnets to me now. I'm drawn to them. The other day in frozen foods I saw a couple with a newborn, six weeks old. So tiny. So precious. They had a little flower band on her head. She was sleeping like a cherub. "Don't let her fool you," the mother said, "she was screaming 20 minutes ago." It doesn't matter. Babies are perfect. Even when they're devils, they're angels.


Of course, it's not going to be easy. It's going to be a HUGE adjustment for me. My life and my body are no longer my own. There are a lot of things I have to figure out and get used to. Even working the stroller and carseat. My sister is a pro. She has the stroller folded up and in the trunk like magic, my nephew strapped in and secure in the carseat in seconds. Whenever I tried to do it I fumbled and couldn't figure it out and had to let my sister take over. Of course she's had years of practice with her 3 kids. I'm a newbie. I'll learn and it'll become second nature to me too.

One day while I was unloading groceries, I suddenly wondered how I would manage grocery shopping with a baby. I couldn't bring the stroller into the store AND push a cart but the shopping carts don't seem to be made to secure a baby seat in...So what do Moms do? I couldn't picture it. I guess I won't know until I try. When I think back to times I've seen moms shopping with babies, they usually have backup, Dad or Grandma or a friend to push the cart while mom has the stroller. But moms must go shopping alone, especially single Moms. I'll have to pay more attention...and take notes! Actually I have heard that carseats will fit in the basket part of a shopping cart somehow. Having never done it, I just don't see how.

I know that sleeping in will likely be a thing of the past unless baby sticks to her prenatal schedule (based on when she's most active in utero). So far it seems she sleeps through the morning and gets lively in the late afternoon and late at night. Just like her Mama! I know that my schedule will revolve around her for the first while. I'll be up when she's up and grab naps when she sleeps I guess. I asked a couple of mothers how they could tell the difference when a baby cries whether she's hungry, or needs to be changed or something else. "You just know" seemed to be the consensus. It wasn't very comforting. I guess it's an instinct you develop. As a Mom you have a knack for knowing what your baby needs. You can detect a subtle difference in the sort of cries that come from being hungry or being wet. And there's always trial and error. See what works. I'm hoping I can sing my baby to sleep and she will be peaceful until morning...Sure. I can dream! For the first six months I don't imagine I'll  get much sleep as I'll be breastfeeding and have to feed every few hours. I'm hoping that the feeding goes well. I've heard it can be very tricky in the beginning, but once you and baby get the hang of it, it comes naturally. Hopefully it doesn't hurt too much. Quite a few women warned me that they had problems and had to give up and go to the bottle. I'm going to try not to stress about it. My sister never had a problem with her kids. It is natural. I can tell my breasts are already getting ready for milk production! And frankly being on a tight budget, being able to feed the baby without having to buy formula would be a huge help. If I could score some free diapers too I'd be all set!
 

In his Hawaiian shirt from Aunt Ann Marie!

I always used to think that having a child would put the rest of your life on hold, that you wouldn't be able to do the things you used to. While this may be the case to some degree, a lot of the things I love I can still do with baby in tow. I will still go to the beach. It never stopped my sister. I'll just have to find shade for the baby. I'll probably get one of those magical little fold up round tents that pops open in one second and then folds up again (though usually not as easily) to put back in the bag. My sister used those when we headed to the beach with my little nephew. I may not be able to wear my old bikinis right away but I can still rock a tankini and sarong and enjoy the sunshine, the sand, the waves. And when the baby is older it will be fun to build sandcastles with her. I can still go for walks, go shopping, to the movies, excursions, anywhere I used to, just with a little more baggage now -- a diaper bag and stroller.

Baby will be here before I know it! The time has flown since November. April is almost over now. I'm days away from my third trimester. It's hard to believe. In some ways, I'm frightened -- of labour and of taking care of the baby. Newborns are so delicate. Will I be OK? Will I know what I'm doing? It will be OK. Every Mom is a first time Mom at some point. You learn as you go. I will be a pro soon enough. And I will have a couple of pros to give me pointers -- my Mom and my sister. When I get back home alone and it's just baby and me, it may be scary at first. (Not that having her dad around would have really helped. He was far less prepared for parenting than I was. He was just a big kid himself. Mischievous and completely irresponsible.) Fears aside, I'm excited about meeting my little angel. I can't wait for that new baby smell (even more intoxicating than the new car smell!) -- soft, powdery, fresh, clean, innocent. The tiny little fingers and toes. Little cherub cheeks. Holding her, singing her to sleep. Dressing her in adorable little outfits. And I won't panic if I need advice. Help is always a phone call away. I will cherish the time alone with my baby. She will be my world and I will be hers. Someday we may meet someone wonderful to join our little family, but until then we will do just fine on our own. It's a rollercoaster (and I always loved those!) -- a mixture of fear and excitement. You're so scared that you may ask yourself why you got on this wild ride but then you feel so alive, so exhilarated that you realize it's worth it.

I never imagined this but now I can't imagine life any other way. I see it as such a gift, such a blessing at this stage in my life to be embarking on my greatest adventure. I feel stronger and happier than ever. You think you know who you are until something happens to change your perspective and you see what you can become. You think you know what you want until you make a detour and discover your true destiny is nothing like you planned, but so much better. Never say never. I'm not saying that all women are meant to be mothers or would all want to. I'm just saying that for me, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was SO CERTAIN I didn't want kids! Yet now I know in my heart and soul that this was meant to be. God knew what I wanted and needed better than I knew myself. I always knew that I needed love and beauty in my life, I just didn't know the form that it would take: That it would be my baby.



Embracing my new curves



Worth giving up my old tummy for a while





















It's still sort of surreal to me that this is happening. It's magical. A miracle. My own baby. Part of me. Will she be like me? 

Me as a baby

Will she want to dance ballet (It was my dream as a child but my parents couldn't afford lessons. I'll take out a second mortgage or get 3 jobs if I have to but if she wants them she is definitely getting lessons!) Will she love to sing? Will she be artistic? I hope so but I won't impose my dreams on her. Whatever she wants to do I will encourage her. A baby is full of hope and possibility. So exciting to have a new life starting. This is like nothing I've ever done before. What I used to think of as my babies -- the pets I loved, the songs I wrote, the CD I put out, poems I published, paintings I created -- nothing compares to this. I also loved gardening -- planting and watching things grow and evolve, blooming in spring like a living painting. This baby will be my masterpiece, my greatest creation, my most beautiful flower. The most important thing I have brought into this world. A child. A new life. A person. What a massive (terrifying) responsibility! What an extraordinary, miraculous gift. It wasn't something I ever dared to wish for myself. I certainly didn't expect it now. I would have thought it was too late. It feels like I've been given a second chance to be a 20 year old. I feel like a young woman whose life is just beginning. The baby will keep me young!

This baby means the world to me. She is worth the changes and sacrifices I have to make. I would do anything for her. I was inspired to write this song for her, "Everything I do is for you." It's the latest in a playlist of my original songs that I've written for her so far. (A singer-songwriter I've written hundreds of songs. My baby is my muse now. I plan to write many more songs and lullabies for her.)

I didn't know I wanted a baby. I only knew that I wanted my life to be beautiful and extraordinary. Wanted to find my true love, a love that would endure forever, someone to share the rest of my life with, someone to love, laugh, learn and grow with. I wanted life to be an amazing adventure. Wanted to create something unique, to do something daring that I'd never attempted, to live life to the fullest. Well, it looks like I got my wish...