Kicking and Screaming

I didn't get an easy baby. I've heard people brag (and seen the children to know they're telling the truth) about how their babies sleep through the night and never cry. I didn't get one of those. I got a difficult, extremely high maintenance baby. She kicks. She screams. She was kicking before she was even born. All the time during the last several months of pregnancy. Her little legs are constantly going when I try to change or dress her, which makes the tasks close to impossible. She screams when she's hungry, wet/dirty, tired, bored and just for the heck of it. I guess it's to be expected. Admittedly I'm pretty high maintenance myself. Her father was the neediest person on the planet (until I met Michelle -- but she is an innocent baby after all. He was a 32 year old man and far from innocent...) So maybe it's inherited. Mom says I was a difficult baby. I met a woman who said she had a redhaired daughter who kicked her non-stop in utero (like Michelle did with me), screamed as a baby (you try to put her down for a nap and she screams five minutes later, yeah sounds familiar) and was very high maintenance but who was also very bright, very advanced at every stage, talking early etc. So maybe it is a redhead thing to be fiery, fiesty, fussy, but clever. Redheads are unique. I am happy with my little ginger baby. It's just not easy!

I've been reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and they claim that newborns sleep most of the time, that a lot of parents complain that the child is only awake a couple of hours a day. They need to add the phrase "unless you have a female redhead. Then she'll almost never sleep! Good luck to you!" Even in the very beginning Michelle barely slept. She constantly needed to be fed, changed and given attention. So clearly Michelle is not a typical, ordinary baby. No one could expect this. Except of course my Mom who said that I was a fussy baby and apparently Nana said my mother was too. We are overly sensitive. We don't like to be hungry, or messy or tired. We like things to be just so and we are pretty vocal about it if they're not. We need to express ourselves. Until she can talk, crying is her only form of communication. So she's just letting me know.

It is a challenge but I try to look at the bright side. For one thing, she's helping me lose weight. She's like my own little ruthless personal trainer. She doesn't let me rest. I can't sit down. Can't stay still. She makes me dance around and carry her constantly. 11 pounds doesn't sound like a lot until you're holding it in your arms all day long. My back and arms aching. But she cries if I put her down. She also keeps me on a strict diet. She barely lets me eat. If I try to buy food, order food or cook food, she cries. And God forbid I try to go to the drive thru! No fast food for me! It still isn't fast enough for Michelle. She's also helping me to save money because she doesn't let me go shopping. I tried going to the mall. I parked at Sears and went in. I made it as far as the baby section and she started to scream. (She can't even let me shop for her!) I had committed the crime of stopping for a moment. Michelle won't have that. She only likes the stroller (and the car) when it's moving. Heaven help you if you stop. She continued to cry on the way home and of course I hit Every. Single. Red. Light!

I forgive her though. I adore her. And there are moments when she doesn't cry. When she's nursing. When she's content in my arms. When she's just alert and happy. When she looks up at me and smiles. Sometimes she almost laughs. When she makes silly faces and does funny things with her hands. When she sleeps like an angel. (Those rare times she does.) When she tries to talk and makes adorable little cooing noises. She actually said her first word already. She said "Hi" quite clearly. I thought it might have been a fluke but she said it again and even held up her hand as though waving "Hi." I wish I had it recorded because no one would ever believe me. Hopefully she does it again when I have witnesses!

I had a nice visit with my Mom the other day. She agreed to watch Michelle while I went to an appointment. She wanted to go to a grocery store nearby with Michelle in the stroller.

"Are you sure you're up for that?!" I asked incredulously. I had warned her how ugly a trip through a grocery store can be. Mom decided to brave it anyway. Maybe she'd be lucky and Michelle would be good for her. When I went to find them I saw Mom, holding Michelle in her arms, feeding her a bottle in the middle of the store. I smiled. It was cute. It had only been an hour since her last feeding but she had started to fuss in the store and my Mom couldn't settle her down. Luckily I had given Mom a bottle of my breast milk just in case. I guess I should start pumping more and have a bottle on hand when I go out as well. I don't feel comfortable breastfeeding in public. Especially with my nipple shield. It would be rather awkward. Even when she's just had a feeding and shouldn't be hungry for a while, you just never know when she's going to fuss and only milk will console her. Someone asked if I had a soother for her. "Just me," I replied, "I'm her soother." A 5'7" walking nipple. I was against the idea initially but I may weaken one of these days and get a pacifier (to pacify her!) if I get desperate enough. Sometimes you think you'd try anything if it would work. I just don't want to interfere with her breastfeeding, as I've heard that a soother can. Sometimes she may not be hungry but just want comfort. It's hard to say.

At least the milk is free but I'm spending a lot on diapers and wipes. I go through an insane amount. I can't believe so much waste can come out of one little person! She eats a lot though. During the day it seems to be every 2 hours or less. She's 5 weeks old and already wearing 3 month old clothes. Even some of those are a little snug on her. I guess I'll be into the 3-6M outfits next. Recently, I met someone with a 7 week old and he was half the size of Michelle at 5 weeks. He looked like a newborn. Much smaller than Michelle was at birth. Mind you he was only 5 lbs when he was born. She is a big girl. I've already reorganized her dresser, removing all the 0-3 clothes that she's outgrown and moving everything up one drawer. She's going through clothes so fast. I'm wishing I'd gotten more things in bigger sizes. And she doesn't seem to like sleepers with feet. She kicks so much she ends up getting her foot caught in the leg and she must be tall/long even for the 3M size because they seem too short/snug on her legs.

Time is really flying. I can't believe we're into September already. Next month it will be Halloween. She's too young to go out anyway and I have to give out treats for the kids. I guess when I start bringing her out I'll have to go early and try to be back to give out treats at the door. I don't want to be one of those houses in darkness when the kids come around but as a single parent what do you do about Halloween?! You can't be at the door and taking your child around too! In November is my Mom's birthday and anniversary. Not to mention the anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly. I can't believe it's been almost a year already. Gone in a flash. Then we're into December -- Christmas! Baby's first Christmas! It's surreal. At least the whole family will be together this Christmas. I often have to work but have this year off obviously on maternity leave. My brother and his wife alternate years (one year with Barb's Mom and the next with our Mom). Last year it was Barb's turn so Mike couldn't be there on the 25th and I had to work anyway so we celebrated a fake Christmas on an alternate day. This year it's my Mom's turn and I'm off work so all of us will be there. Mom will be in her glory having all her kids and seven grandchildren together. It will be an adventure having the whole gang in one room! It will be a circus! Absolute chaos with so many kids running around. It will be the best Christmas ever though for me. My first Christmas with my baby.

I saw a commercial the other day that said something like "they're your children forever but they're only babies for the first year." It made me think. These days are precious. One day I will probably look back longingly and miss this time when she was so small (well, big for her age but still a tiny human!) I will forget the frustration, the exhaustion, the sleeplessness, the humiliation of a screaming baby in public. I will remember the joys of having my baby. Her tiny fingers and toes (I finally got up the nerve to cut her nails while she was sleeping. So relieved I managed it!)Snuggling with her at night. Having her fall asleep in my arms. Singing to her. Having her flash me one of those killer smiles. I am not taking any of it for granted. I am cherishing these moments. I am taking lots of pictures because I know they grow so fast (she is certainly growing fast!) 

I don't have an easy baby but I have a sweet, funny, extraordinary baby. I am blessed and I am going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Even on the most difficult of days. Even when she's kicking and screaming. A year will fly by before I know it. 

One step forward. Two steps back.

Has it really been a month already? Time flies when you're having fun (and when you're stressed out of your mind!) Had some really rough days but we made it. It's hard to believe that 4 weeks ago I was in labour trying to push out my big girl (9 lbs 4 ounces). It was scary for both of us. That was just the start of our journey. We've been through a lot since then and yet it seems to have gone by in a flash somehow.

Michelle and I took it easy the other day. It was a grey, rainy day. The perfect sort of day to just stay in and do nothing (other than feeding, changing, caring for baby of course!) It was a relief to have the weather a little cooler. It got humid for a few days there. Without air conditioning it can get pretty warm, especially when you're breastfeeding and carrying around a 10 lb baby! Michelle was sleeping a lot better. Sometimes almost four hours (at least three) at a time through the night. I thought that maybe she'd turned a corner and that things were going to get easier from here on out... I thought wrong. She then started a new thing in the early evening where she just screams. She's not hungry. She doesn't need changing. She's just cranky and so you try EVERYTHING in your power to console her and nothing works. And you feel like you're going to lose your mind!

I was craving McD's one night and thought what the heck I might as well go for it. Michelle was fussy and I figured she'd fall asleep in the car (she usually does) on the way. So sure enough, she did fall asleep. Unfortunately she woke up and SCREAMED while I was in the drive-thru. I couldn't take it anymore so I just pulled out of line and left. When she still kept screaming, I barked at her (not my proudest moment but I was hungry and out of patience) -- "Fine! You got your way! We're going home! I didn't even get my Big Mac! Are you happy now?" and with that she stopped crying, closed her eyes and went to sleep. Sigh. Then we get home and she continues her tirade for a while. I couldn't take it anymore. Usually there's SOMETHING that will entertain her but I tried dancing, rocking, singing, shushing, the vacuum, everything. I didn't know what was wrong. I felt myself getting angry. I know she's just a baby but in that moment it felt like she was doing it on purpose to annoy me. It felt like I'd given up my whole life, body and soul for her and it still wasn't enough. She still didn't appreciate it. I finally said: "If you are going to keep crying no matter what I do, I'll just stop trying to do anything and leave you alone!" She stopped and looked at me for a moment as though processing what I'd said. There. She stopped crying. Woo hoo. Then she started right back up again. That's it. I had had it. So I put her in her crib and closed the door. I had read that when you're at the end of your rope and can't take it anymore just put the baby down and walk away. Take a breather because it can start to drive you mad. I had even read that frustrated parents have fleeting thoughts like wanting to throw the baby out the window (as long as you don't actually do it!) It's natural to feel annoyed with a screaming baby. It's probably the most stressful thing on the planet to deal with (it is by far the most stressful in my life and I had someone pull a gun on me once!) I felt so guilty for leaving her to cry, even just for a few minutes. I went back and her face was red and she was sweating. She had worked herself up into a frenzy. I started to cry. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know what to do. When I am able to meet her needs and calm her down it makes me feel good but when it seems like nothing I do works I feel so helpless and horrible I don't know what to do. But then it stops. She sleeps. She wakes up and smiles at me. It's like she's Jekyll and Hyde.

It's magical when she smiles. Michelle has started really looking at me now. She focuses on my face and I'm so happy when she looks into my eyes and smiles a big smile. Before it seemed like she was just staring into space and not focusing on anything in particular. But now she seems to recognize me and look happy to see me. It is the best feeling in the world to have my little girl smile at me. If only she could be like that all the time! But she's a baby. Babies cry. It's the only way they can communicate. She gets overtired and cranky. Sometimes she doesn't know what she wants. She can't tell me what's wrong. Is she too hot, too cold, does she have a tummy ache? Maybe she just needs constant stimulation. She likes variety. She loves to be in motion. She always falls asleep in the car and gets angry when the car stops moving. It's hard to stay in constant motion. I try to carry her around constantly but my arms get tired and my back aches. She's over 10 lbs now.

Sometimes she's an angel. She'll have a good day and sleep well and I can actually get things done. I finally had time to put the mobile up over the crib. I found a hook for the ceiling at Walmart. It was just a matter of having a few minutes to climb up and hang it! It's not as though Michelle sleeps in her crib yet anyway. I just like to have the (ocean themed) nursery complete. Michelle sleeps with me for the time being. Because I lie down to breastfeed at night it just makes the most sense to have her next to me. That way she can feed and we can both fall asleep then wake up and feed again. I know people who slept with their kids from the beginning. Before I had the baby I used to wonder how people did that. Wouldn't you roll over on the baby? But it's different once you have the baby. You have an instinct about it. I'm a light sleeper anyway. When I had told the nurse I had the baby in the bed with me I was afraid she was going to lecture me about how dangerous it was. She said that it's only in North America that people worry about it. In Europe and in China it's common for people to have their babies in bed with them. She said as long as I'm not obese, not a drinker or drug user that there's no danger of me rolling over and smothering the baby. I think we're safe!

Each day is different now. Some better than expected, some worse. I never know how she's going to be. I can only hope for the best and do my best. I am not in control of my life. She is. I must surrender to chaos. You can't reason with a baby or predict her behaviour. You just go with the flow. I just have to be grateful for the joyful, beautiful moments and survive the stressful, difficult times.

During the rough times I sometimes worry am I suffering from PPD (post partum depression)? No I'm not. It's always situational (the baby screaming) and temporary. Everyone has a few moments where they feel stressed, feel down, need a good cry. Even people who don't have children (never mind anyone who is raising a newborn alone!) If you are happy 95% of the time and suffer from stress/sadness 5% of the time, you are not depressed, you are a human being! Welcome to life. It's not always easy. I have exhaustion and hormones to contend with on top of physical depletion, sleep deprivation, the complete metamorphosis of every aspect of my life. It's a lot to take! Everything I'm going through is normal and natural. Occasionally I get overwhelmed. It doesn't make me a bad person or a bad mommy. I'm doing my best. I need to cut myself some slack. I don't have to be perfect. And maybe baby can cut me a little slack too. Maybe even let me get a Big Mac now and then...(I know they're not good for me but hey, Mama needs a treat once in a while!)

My Mom said I'm hard on myself because I'm a perfectionist and I always need to be the best at everything. She said maybe I'm trying to be the best Mom. I do feel pressured to do all the best things for Michelle but I am human and therefore fallible.

One night when I was having a really rough time I called my sister to talk me down off the ledge. She is always so supportive and reassuring. She helps me to put things in perspective. It will be OK. I will get through it. She reminded me of the phrase, that applies to almost everything in life, good and bad -- "This too shall pass." The crying always ends eventually and when it does you can truly appreciate the sweet sound of silence. I look at my baby when she's sleeping or when she's just looking around contentedly with her big blue eyes and I can forgive her for those terrible times. I adore her. And she doesn't mean to be so high maintenance. She gets frustrated that she can't communicate what's wrong. It would be hard to want to say something and not have the words to explain.



Me as a baby -- could almost be a picture of Michelle!



Mom still contends that there is a correlation between fussiness and intelligence because I was the worst baby ever but the smartest. "You never slept! I couldn't put you down. You screamed all night! You screamed the whole first year!" On the bright side, she said I was a genius. I was talking, walking, singing much sooner than I should have been. (She let me see my baby book where she had kept notes on my progress. I was walking at 7 months, talking at 8 months and toilet trained at 11 months.) There may be something to it. It stands to reason that smart babies need constant stimulation. Their minds are so active they are easily bored. They would be more eager to communicate. More particular about things (less willing to sit in their own feces -- Michelle screams the instant her diaper is wet or has a speck of poo. So I go through about 10-15+ diapers a day!) So I guess we'll see if Michelle turns into a child prodigy! People have made comments about her already recognizing faces and smiling which is unusual for a newborn. She also has quite a bit of control of her head already. She makes little sounds sometimes as though she's trying to talk but it will freak me out if she actually says anything. She grabs things with her hands quite a bit. Sometimes I think she's giving me the finger! She is able to hold her head up and turn to look at things. Or maybe the "fussy babies are smarter" thing is just a myth/a pipe dream that Moms use to console themselves that they have a screaming baby while other moms get to have a quiet one! Then again, if screaming is their only form of communication, I guess the fussier ones are more eager to communciate and so would probably be talking sooner. The laid back babies may not have much to say. The more sensitive ones who can't stand to be wet would be easier to toilet train (I was.) Maybe it's like type A and type B personalities. I was a type A and always a straight A student in school. It does seem that intelligent people in general are higher maintenance. Or maybe it's just Karma -- the screaming is my payback for what I put my Mom through as a baby! I didn't mean to. Then there is the fact that she's a redhead. There is a stereotype that gingers tend to be clever, sensitive, passionate, moody. It may not always be true but it applies to every redhead I've met. Myself included. So why should Michelle be any different?

A few people have mentioned "colic" as a possible explanation. I'm not even sure what it is but it seems to be the label they put on it when your baby just screams for seemingly no reason. I've heard horror stories of babies screaming for HOURS! That would be unbearable. To have your baby scream for a few minutes or half an hour at the most is bad enough. I heard of one woman who was at her wit's end so she just left the baby in his crib to scream and she went out to the car (where she couldn't hear it anymore) and wept. Sometimes you're at the end of your rope. You just need a breather. When there are two parents involved they can take turns walking the floor with the baby (though I've heard a lot of men don't pitch in to help with caregiving anyway, even if they are in the picture). When you're by yourself, there's no one to hand her off to. It's all you. 24-7. Obviously that can get exhausting!

I am trying to do all the right things. I'm not perfect. I'm not superhuman. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed. I guess the best thing to do is to just take it one day at a time. It may get easier. It may get harder. Each day is different. I have to focus on the positive, the beautiful experiences of being a parent. Those moments are worth it. I have to just let the other stuff go.

My Mom also told me "Don't worry about the baby crying. It's exercise. It won't hurt her." But it seems like it hurts, at the time. I don't want her to be sad. I don't want her to feel like her needs won't be met. I want her to feel happy and safe and secure. I know for the most part that she does. Even after a particularly bad evening she still looks at me bright eyed the next day and flashes me a big smile. I know she's OK. We're OK.

As I type this, she is sleeping peacefully and she didn't do her weird moody thing tonight. So maybe it was just a phase that lasted a few days. Maybe it was just gas. Maybe I just shouldn't worry so much (tough habit to break. I get it from Mom.)

You just don't know what having a child is like until you have one. No one can prepare you. While I was still pregnant I imagined having the baby. I envisioned all the perfect Hallmark moments with her -- holding her, singing her to sleep, reading her bedtime stories, playing and laughing with her. I didn't picture exploding orange poo, screaming fits, spit-ups, stress and lack of sleep. But it's a package deal. You take the bad with the good. Life isn't a Hallmark card.

When you're getting married, they have you take a vow. To love, honour and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, as long as you live. A pretty tall order! Many people don't wind up keeping that vow. They find out it's more difficult than they expected. When the going gets tough, they get going. They get divorced. A child is a much bigger commitment than a marriage. No ceremony. No spoken vow but an unspoken promise that is binding. Forever. There is no escape hatch. No divorce. That child is yours for the rest of your days and you love them no matter what, even when it's hard, for better and for worse. Michelle is my life. I will keep my vow to love her no matter what. Love isn't easy. They make it look easy in movies and fairytales. They show you the happy ending. They don't show you all the nightmarish real life everyday moments in between. Love isn't perfect. Whether it's romantic love or the love of a child. It's not all smooth sailing. Sometimes it breaks your heart. Sometimes they drive you crazy. But you get through it. You don't give up. Because that's what love is. You keep going.

Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all. Even colic, or whatever the heck it is.

Timing is everything!

Survived a trip to the mall with the baby!  It was a miracle. I was so relieved. After a few nightmarish shopping excursions where she screamed bloody murder the entire time, I was understandably nervous about the prospect of going through the mall with her. I couldn't avoid it forever. I needed to return something and I also wanted to pick up "What to Expect - The First Year" at Chapters. (I had read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" while I was pregnant and although a lot of it stressed me out, it was good to have a guide that was so thorough it covered everything that could possibly happen at each stage so that I was prepared. I figured I might as well have something to guide me through babydom. Babies don't come with a manual but they really should!) Michelle was starting to fuss as I put her in the car but she fell asleep during the ride and when I put the seat into the stroller and started to move, she was good to go. Thankfully she stayed asleep the entire time. I was crossing my fingers as I headed through the mall repeating a mantra in my head "Please be good. Please stay asleep!" Of course, on this occasion the timing had been just right. She had been fed so she wasn't hungry and just as I had put her in her carseat about to leave the house I could hear gurgling down below so I took her out and changed her. It had been a really big orange poop. It was a nuisance having to take her out of the seat and start from scratch again but it was a huge blessing that the big poo happened while we were still home. I'd seen how she reacted to pooing when we were out and it got really ugly. She screamed until she was purple and the poo seemed to implode under the carseat harness. So if I can time my outings for after the baby is fed, warm and dry and clean, she can sleep happily while we're out. Unfortunately it's not always so easy to time things. I never know exactly when she's going to poo. Every day is a little different. You can never be sure. Sometimes it sounds like she's going but it's just gas. I am noticing patterns though. She does tend to have her biggest poops early in the day. But she feeds and poos almost non-stop all day long except for a few minutes here and there when she sleeps. My friend convinced me to start using the diaper cake (it was so pretty I was trying to save it but she said I better use the newborn diapers while they still fit. They are pretty snug now. She's basically a size 1 diaper already. She's in 0-3 month clothes and even fits some 3 month old ones) and I've gone through the first two layers in under a week!

I have taken her out for walks in the stroller a few times now. She seems to like it. It's good for me to get out too. Being cooped up all the time can make you a little stir crazy. It feels good to get some exercise and fresh air. When I check on her in the little window built into the stroller she's usually wide awake. She seems fascinated by the experience. I'm not sure whether it's the bumpiness or the play of light and shadow that she likes the most. They have baby swings but they almost need to invent a baby bumpy ride that simulates a stroller, or a car. I've heard they like the dryer too. Apparently she loves the sound of the vacuum cleaner as well. I had her in my left arm while I vacuumed with the right today and she fell asleep. Housework is a real workout now that I have her! She often doesn't nap long enough for me to do things without her. So I just have to try to "octopus" it and do everything with her in my arms. At least when she's able to hold her head up I can start putting her in the "Snugli" carrier and carry her like a kangaroo while I hop around to do everything.

I've started reading "What to Expect" and I was happy to learn that the reason babies sleep better on formula (while I was supplementing her with formula in those early days, as instructed by the breastfeeding clinic Michelle did seem to sleep a bit more. Sometimes for three or four hours at a time) is that they can't digest cow's milk that easily so it stays in their system longer and makes them feel full. Breastmilk is so easy to digest that it goes right through them so they are hungry more often (which explains the frequent feedings and the endless stream of pooed diapers -- about 5 a day. Not to mention the peed ones too.) I like to have a book where I can find the facts instead of relying on confusing and contradictory advice from well-meaning friends and family. For a while there I was starting to get discouraged. It felt like everyone was a critic and telling me what I was doing wrong. "My baby didn't poo that much...Maybe you're overfeeding her." "Maybe she's lactose intolerant." "Maybe she's malnourished because you're not eating enough protein. You should be frying steaks." "My baby slept all the time as a newborn." It was getting to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone because they were making me feel worse! I was already feeling pretty vulnerable from over-exhaustion. I know that they were only trying to help but it felt like they were finding fault which wasn't what I needed when I was already feeling depleted and discouraged and trying to do all the right things. I was starting to get defensive. I eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, drink a lot of milk and have some meat but the baby limits what and how much I can eat. She doesn't always give me time to cook anything. I have to grab things that I can gobble in a couple of minutes. I'm on my own. I don't have a partner that can cook or watch the baby while I cook. Sometimes I'm starving, I think Michelle is finally asleep so I run to nuke a frozen dinner and she starts to scream before I even get to take the first bite. So I try to cradle her in one arm and eat with the other. But if she continues to cry, I end up leaving my meal to change/feed her. Breastfeeding takes so much out of me physically and it's not always easy to feed myself so I wind up weak and exhausted. But I don't need people telling me that I'm a bad mother for not eating when I'm trying to be a good mother by putting the baby's needs before my own. When she screamed in the grocery store one time as I threw things in the cart I was saying "Mama needs to eat too baby or Mama will die!" I didn't even care about the people around me staring. Welcome to my Breakdown people! I hope I never have a shopping trip like that again. It almost seems like any time I try to get food for myself (either buying it, cooking it or eating it) my baby will start to cry as though she just can't let me eat! She's the best diet on Earth! Sucks 500 calories or more out of me and doesn't even let me take that much in!

Mom is a worrier and always has something negative to say about something. I don't even watch the news because it just brings me down but I always get to hear about things from Mom. (Though I often wonder if she's getting the story right!) My mother can't resist calling to tell me the latest thing she heard/read on the news. She called frantically that the "Bumbo" chairs had been recalled. They've been around forever. I'm sure they're fine. I guess some people were putting them on tables or something. That's just silly. I would wait until she's old enough first of all. I would certainly keep an eye on the baby if she was in the chair and I wouldn't put it up on anything. Mom also called one day to say that "Eggs are as bad for you as cigarettes." Apparently some report she'd heard on TV. That's ridiculous. I thought that eggs were a healthy source of protein. I know they have cholesterol but come on. One day something is good for you and the next day it's bad. Mom shouldn't be allowed to watch the news. It's all doom and gloom and fear mongering. The worst thing possible for a chronic worrier like my Mom. I try to limit my worries. These days I just don't have time anyway. My biggest concern is the baby crying. Everything else in the world will have to wait!

People like to tell you how things should be. People without kids will tell you what they think or heard from other people or read. People with kids will tell you what their kids were like or what they did in their day (which may have been several decades ago and may have been dead wrong -- for instance they used to say not to feed more often than every four hours and put your baby to sleep on her stomach. That's the opposite of what they say now.) Even people who have had babies recently may not necessarily understand what you're going through. The problem is that each baby is different. Just as no two labours are alike (I heard so many vastly different stories and my own wound up being nothing like any of them. You really don't know what your own experience will be until you have it.) no two babies are alike. Some people have babies that never cry and sleep through the night right from the beginning. Others have fussy babies that cry a lot and rarely sleep. I had some people tell me I have to feed every few hours and that I should wake the baby to feed if she doesn't get up on her own. Others told me never wake a sleeping baby. It's hard to know what to believe. I just let Michelle call the shots. I figure she knows better than anyone when she's hungry. When she cries, I do the checks. If her diaper is dirty (and 9 times out of 10, it is!) I change her. Then if she still cries, I assume she's hungry and try feeding her. She usually nurses voraciously so she was obviously hungry. When all her other needs have been met, if she still cries I assume she's tired and needs to nap so I entertain her by carrying her, singing to her, rocking her, putting her in her swing, going for a walk or a drive, or sometimes just letting her lay on my chest for two hours (she was quite content while I watched my show, even though my chest was hurting I didn't want to disturb her. Sometimes she cries as soon as I put her down so I just let her lean on me as long as she's happy.) She is demanding. Sometimes it's exhausting meeting her demands, but I do it. It makes me happy when I'm able to stop her tears. What gets frustrating is when she'll cry after all of my efforts and I don't know what's wrong. I'll ask her "What's wrong?!" (As if she's suddenly going to be able to speak and tell me!) When all else fails, I've found that making a strange noise, especially a loud shushing sound seems to quiet her. It probably just distracts her so she forgets that she was crying. I've tried playing with her, introducing toys to her but it's probably too soon. I'm not even sure how much they can see at this point.

My Mom and sister came over for a visit and Michelle was thankfully pretty good, though she is high maintenance. When she's not being fed and changed she likes to be constantly entertained. You can't dare to put her down for a moment or she'll cry. It was a treat to have my Mom hold her and walk around with her for a bit to give me a break while I grabbed a bite to eat. Mom said that the baby looks like me and seems to have my temperament (God help me!) I was a real handfull and now I suppose I'm getting my payback for what I put my mother through. Sorry Mom. I had no idea! Thank you for everything that you endured to have me and raise me. I may not have fully appreciated it until now. You always said "You'll never understand until you have kids of your own!" I never expected to have my own children. Now here I am with a baby (biggest surprise of my life!) and I finally understand what it's like -- how much love, how much stress, how much sacrifice and work children really are.

I was hoping she'd take after me and not her father (who as most of you know has been M.I.A. since February. Good riddance.) Then again he was even more high maintenance than I was. M was as needy as a baby, never gave me a moment's peace or privacy, not even to go to the bathroom (don't ask!), was a voracious eater, would barely let me eat anything (sometimes literally took the food out of my hand)...Oh dear, come to think of it maybe she did get a couple of things from Dad. Sometimes she seems to be giving the finger too (see photo!) It was something my ex did often, especially for pictures. Yeah, he was a charmer! I'm sure it's just coincidence with Michelle though. My Mom said Michelle's hair seems to be a little more blonde than strawberry now. I was born platinum blonde and turned auburn later. Could she be doing the reverse? I guess we'll have to wait and see. Her eyes are denim blue at this point but I've heard that they can change as well. Of course both M and I had blue eyes so there's a good chance they'll stay.

Mom carried the baby around, singing to her, bouncing her, keeping her amused until her arms were aching. She said I was the same way as a baby. I wanted constant attention. I wouldn't let her put me down all day long. I also screamed all night and wouldn't sleep. At least thank Heaven, Michelle doesn't do that. She's actually started sleeping pretty well at night at least (a few hours anyway). Knock on wood.

I couldn't resist trying her little shades on her. I'd gotten them several months ago and thought they were adorable. They seemed so small but look big on her. She looks like she could be a baby Elton John! We didn't really get to hit the beach this year but there's always next year. Maybe by then I'll be bikini ready though even if I manage to lose my mommy tummy I don't know if the stretch marks will fade. I'm hoping. I'm still using the stretch mark cream that I got months ago. It doesn't seem to do much aside from smell like cookies. There's cocoa in it or something. Can they invent something that makes stretch marks vanish? Please? Although my appearance is not as important to me these days I look back at photos of me from last summer and want to cry. I worked so hard to get to my goal weight/shape having no idea that I was going to fall in love and shockingly wind up pregnant in the Fall. Still, Michelle is worth the stretch marks (and the stress and sleeplessness). I just hope she appreciates it. Someday if she's giving me a hard time (in her teens for example) I may break out some of those old bikini photos and then show her my stretched out belly. The Mom guilt! My mother certainly used it on me. I guess I'll probably resort to it someday with my daughter.

Time isn't always on my side these days. It seems it rarely is. The baby will fall asleep and I'll rush to get something done only to have her wake at the worst possible moment. One day I had just finished bathing her because she'd had a really messy poo. I had her upstairs, in her towel, about to put on her lotion when she pooed on the towel! I wasn't about to bathe her all over again. Luckily it didn't go too far. A couple of times she's peed while I'm changing her and wet the clean outfit and blanket I had just put on her. At least being a girl she doesn't spray up when she pees (I've heard some nightmare stories about changing baby boys!) Or she'll wake up and start screaming in a crowded grocery store. Or she'll poo through her cutest little dresses. But sometimes I get lucky, the stars align, baby is good, all goes well and it's such a treat. I wish every day could be like that. Baby Michelle would sleep soundly and I'd get everything done. She'd wake up refreshed and happy and never cry. But she's a baby. She's like the weather. Unpredictable. Uncontrollable. You never know what you're going to get. (Though while I'm on the subject I am so grateful for the beautiful weather we've had in August. I was worried it would be too humid when I got back home with no A/C but it's been perfect.)

For a recovering control freak like me it can be hard to surrender control to a small human. You can't reason with her. She wants what she wants when she wants it and you better figure it out because she doesn't speak English yet! Stupidly I always ask her anyway "What is it love? What's wrong? Are you hungry? Do you need to be changed? What is it?" I thought she would have different cries for different things but so far it's the same plaintive "Waaaaa" whether she's hungry, or dirty, or tired, or just needs to be cuddled. So you try each one and figure it out by the process of elimination. It does feel good when you get it right and she stops crying. It's beyond frustrating when you get it wrong and you can't figure out what she's on about. "But you're clean, you're full, you have no complaint! Everything is good! I don't get it!" Those are the "I'm just bored, entertain me" cries. That's when the vacuum cleaner, the stroller, the car, white noise, motion etc come in handy.

One night she kept falling asleep while nursing but each time I tried to put her down she'd wake up minutes later and scream. My favourite show was coming on and I didn't want to miss it. She fell asleep on my chest and seemed quite content. I let her sleep there. It was easier than disturbing her and having her scream. So I let her stay that way through the entire show. My chest was aching and my arm was numb by the end of it but at least she stayed quiet and content.

It must be scary for a baby. They were safe in their little watery world and then suddenly they're yanked out into this strange place (yanked out with a plunger and tongs as well as doctor's hands in my case. It was a rough labour for both of us!) They don't know where they are or what's going on. They don't know if their needs will be met. When they awaken alone, it must be frightening. They were attached to you for so long, they need to feel that connection. Lying on my chest she hears my heartbeat. She knows I'm her Mama and that she's safe. If she's alone to sleep then she doesn't know where I am. I hope that she will realize I always come back to her, that she can feel secure no matter what. I will always be there to meet her needs. I'm never far away. I know that my sister's kids are still so connected to her and don't like to be apart from her (even at 2 years and 10 years.) You see the panic in his face when my nephew realizes Mama isn't there, even for a few moments. It's overwhelming, but at the same time it's an incredible feeling to know that you're so loved, so needed. You are your child's world.

I am Michelle's world. And I will try to make it as happy as I can. I just hope she cuts me a little slack because I am new to this and I am on my own trying to do everything. There's no one else to put out the garbage, do the shopping and everything else. She has definitely challenged me in a way that no one and nothing ever has. Maybe it was what I needed to make me stronger. We've both been through a lot in the first few weeks. We've survived and we're doing pretty well. Maybe the hardest part is behind us and it'll be easier from here on out. Sure. As a stranger told me in line at the drug store (during another one of Michelle's screaming fits) "Yes this is the hardest stage. At least until she hits her teens..." But that's way way off...