A Parent's Worst Nightmare

Of course there have been other horrific school shootings in the past, but the Sandy Hook School shooting on Friday December 14th in Newtown, Connecticut affected me more deeply than any other for a couple of reasons. This time it was an elementary school and most of the victims were younger than ever (six years old). Also this time I'm a Mom and listening to the story as a parent makes it that much more disturbing. It's a parent's worst nightmare to have something happen to your child. Your child is the most precious thing in your life. My heart goes out to the families of the victims. I can't begin to imagine how they can cope with this horrible tragedy. You drop your kids off at school in the morning. Then you get a message on your phone that there's been a shooting at their school. You rush there frantically, not knowing what to expect. You wait helplessly for news. You watch as other parents are reunited with their kids who had been evacuated safely. Then you are told that if you haven't been reunited with your child, you won't be, ever again. Though authorities hadn't identified the victims (a process that was going to take many more hours to accomplish) it was obvious to distraught parents that their missing children were among the victims inside the school.

Normally I don't watch the news (I can't stand doom and gloom. It's depressing and makes me feel helpless. The news is always bad news. It's all negative. I try to focus on the beauty of life, not the darkness) but when this story broke it was everywhere. I had Dr. Oz on TV while I was nursing Michelle and suddenly saw a banner at the bottom of the screen saying there had been a shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut. An ELEMENTARY SCHOOL?! What the?! I tuned in to CNN to hear the full story. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could someone shoot children? Even the most cold-blooded of killers throughout history usually choose adult victims. Children are so innocent. To even think of harming them is beyond despicable which is why even among criminals it is believed that anyone who hurts a child (a pedophile for example) is vile, detestable and deserves to be punished accordingly (in prison they often have to be separated from other inmates who might beat or kill them.) To harm a child is unthinkable. It's beyond evil. Even the most hardened criminals know that.

All I kept thinking was "Why?!" Reporters were asking the same thing, wondering what possible motive there could be for someone to forcibly enter a school and murder 20 children and 6 adults? No one seemed to have an answer. Only one or two people may have been able to answer that (the shooter and his mother) and they're no longer alive to ask.

Later I searched online to see what I could find out about the gunman.

The shooter, Adam Lanza, was 20 years old. He had killed his mother, Nancy Lanza, a retired teacher from Sandy Hook, in her home then drove her car to the school where he shot the principal, a psychologist, other staff and a large number of students aged 6-7 years old with his mother's high powered rifle before finally killing himself. The guns (a Bushmaster .223 caliber high powered rifle which was used in the murders, as well as a Glock 10 mm and Sig Sauer 9 mm found onscene) were registered to his mother. His parents were divorced. His father and older brother Ryan lived out of town (apparently he had 24 year old Ryan's identification on him which led investigators to believe his brother was the killer at first). He lived in a nice home. People described him as intelligent (some even called him a genius), quiet, mild-mannered and polite. Others referred to him as awkward, socially inept and withdrawn. Apparently he had Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism. The disorder is marked by difficulty communicating and a lack of empathy which can make social interaction a challenge. This certainly in no way explains how he would be driven to senselessly kill a class full of children and educators. There is no evidence that Asperger's leads to violent crime. Others suggested that he had a personality disorder. It's hard to say if he may have been suffering from another mental illness (such as schizophrenia) which hadn't been diagnosed. One would think there must have been some warning signs. He had no criminal record but there must have been some red flags in his behaviour. You don't wake up one day and become a killer. I read that his mother was no longer working so that she could be home with Adam to take care of him. Obviously his mother was aware he had issues but presumably didn't know how bad it was. If she had known what a danger he was, to himself and others (including herself) one would assume she'd have been more careful about keeping her weaponry out of his hands.

The incident is heartbreaking but more than that, it is infuriating. The only thing worse than an unspeakable tragedy is a preventable one. This shouldn't have happened. Why is it so easy in the United States to acquire guns? They should be banned. Aside from the military and law enforcement, NO ONE should be allowed to have them. There are far too many incidents where they end up in the wrong hands -- sometimes the hands of disturbed men who go on a killing spree and sometimes (which doesn't always make the news) in the hands of children who end up accidentally injuring or killing themselves or others. I don't know why on earth Nancy Lanza felt she needed an arsenal of weapons (including several handguns and assault rifles) in her home but if she had even an inkling that her son was mentally and emotionally unstable she should have kept them well hidden and under lock and key. If she hadn't become one of the victims I think she would have to be considered an accomplice to murder and charged with criminal negligence causing death because she gave her son the means to become a grim reaper and massacre a room filled with innocent people, including small children. Shooters are cowards. Stop giving them guns to hide behind! Obviously something was terribly wrong with Adam, whether he suffered a psychotic episode or whatever led him to this heinous act but if he didn't have access to guns, he could not have done what he did. If he snapped for whatever reason, he may have taken his own life by some other means, but at least the lives of the victims would have been spared. Armed with only a knife he probably wouldn't have made it past the school's new security measures and even if he did, an assailant with a knife is limited and much easier to subdue. No one stands a chance against a gun, so it gives the weak and desperate a feeling of power. Guns should be banned. They should be destroyed. No longer manufactured. No longer sold. No longer allowed. If they no longer existed then the majority of violent crime would be eliminated. I hope this devestating incident is enough to send the message. It has to stop. The U.S. can not allow innocent children to be slaughtered this way again.

It's impossible to know what the killer was thinking. Was he angry with his mother, with himself? Why take it out on strangers and innocent children? There was some speculation that maybe he'd had an argument with administrators at the school, but apparently that was unfounded. He had no previous altercation with the school, seemingly no cause for anger toward them. Did he suffer a psychotic episode? Was he having hallucinations or delusions? What was he trying to accomplish? Unless there was a note or unless his brother can shed some light on the matter, we may never know.

I don't know what the process is to acquire a gun in the U.S. I would hope that there is at least a process. A background check. A psychological exam. Of course even if the one purchasing the gun is a stable, upstanding citizen, what if they happen to have a psychotic son living with them? Shouldn't there be laws about keeping the guns locked safely away, not where they can be accessed? If it weren't so easy to buy a gun in the U.S., maybe there wouldn't be so many shootings. Of course people argue that most killers don't use registered weapons, there are so many unregistered ones, black market ones out there. My feeling is that it's too bad guns exist at all. Nancy Lanza had several guns. It appears she was a bit of an enthusiast (if only she'd had another, less deadly hobby!) If it weren't for her collection, 26 people would be celebrating the holidays with their families instead of lying in a morgue. Adam couldn't have procured a weapon on his own (apparently he tried to and was denied. You have to be 21 years old to register guns in Connecticut.) Without his mother's rifle whatever insane and homicidal impulses he had would have remained in his head and not acted out.

It's maddening. You can't help but wonder what if. What if we could go back in time and Adam could get the psychological help he needs whether through counselling or other treatment? What if Nancy didn't have all those guns or at the very least didn't have them out in the open where Adam could get his hands on them? What if on December 14th, Adam just had a breakdown while in the care of mental health specialists who could help him and the kids at Sandy Hook Elementary enjoyed an uneventful sunny day at school? If only we could go back and undo the mistakes that led to the deaths of so many beautiful, kind, happy, innocent people, including young children who had their whole lives ahead of them. Of course there is no going back. We can only move forward.

To the parents and families of the victims I want to extend my most heartfelt condolences. Also to the surviving students and teachers I empathize with the horror, the fear and grief you must be suffering after what you've encountered. We may never understand why this happened. All we can do is pray that it never happens again and hope that the powers that be will take a stand and put an end to this madness once and for all.

Newtown was a charming, safe, peaceful town with a low crime rate. There had only been one homicide there in the past decade. Now suddenly 28 members of the community had been killed in one day, in less than an hour. No one could have imagined something like this happening there. The town was so close knit that everyone was affected by the tragedy, even if not directly, the victims were people that they knew -- friends, acquaintances. Hundreds flocked to the vigil that was held at Newton's Saint Rose of Lima Church that night. And around the world, millions were praying for peace and comfort for the distraught families of the victims. A massacre like this would be shocking anywhere, even in a high crime urban area. The fact that it happened in a sweet little town like Newtown is a terrifying reminder that it can happen anywhere. Anywhere that guns are allowed. Guns are powerful instruments of evil. They can turn a quiet, polite boy into a monster. They can turn a peaceful town and a classroom full of angels into an unimaginable hell.

I don't know how the families can get through their loss, especially at this time of year. The only comfort they may find is that if they believe in an afterlife they can be sure that their loved ones are in a better place. A beautiful place where there is no violence, no suffering, no pain.

Heaven welcomes 26 more angels this Christmas. Their names are:

(children 6 and 7 years old)
Charlotte Bacon
Daniel Barden
Olivia Engel
Josephine Gay
Dylan Hockley
Madeleine Hsu
Catherine Hubbard
Chase Kowalski
Jesse Lewis
Ana Marquez-Greene
James Mattioli
Grace McDonnell
Emilie Parker
Jack Pinto
Noah Pozner
Caroline Previdi
Jessica Rekos
Avielle Richman
Benjamin Wheeler
Allison Wyatt

(school staff --)
Dawn Hochsprung
Anne Marie Murphy
Lauren Gabrielle Rousseau
Mary Sherlach
Victoria Soto
Rachel Davino

and Nancy Lanza, who was reputedly a kind and loving woman. Unfortunately for herself and the others she made two fatal errors -- collecting guns and allowing her son access to them.

May the victims rest in peace and may their families find peace and healing eventually. May they cherish the memories they shared with their loved ones and focus on their lives instead of their deaths. The people in our lives are a gift, however long they are with us, and we have to be grateful for them. We can also find comfort in the belief that we will be reunited with them again, in Heaven.

At least it seems that this incident has served as a final wake up call to the nation. President Obama has said that he's committed to action on gun control. Whatever that means. Probably not (as I would wish) completely doing away with guns altogether. At least maybe they will be a little more careful about how they sell them and who they sell them to. There are people that won't be happy about it. Frankly that shouldn't matter. According to their Bill of Rights, Americans have "the right to bear arms." I'm sure this was meant as a right to have a weapon to defend oneself against attack (as in a war). I'm sure the phrase was not meant to endorse guns being used against innocent victims, including children. It would seem to me that the right to own guns is anathema to other more important rights -- "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Anyone with a heart, anyone who is a parent, anyone with any compassion or decency has to see that incidents like this can never happen again. America has to take a stand to prevent it. Guns are anti-life. Plain and simple.

This incident may make people more fearful. They may see the world as a dangerous place. I don't think living in fear is the answer. The truth is that most people are basically good. Unfortunately some people are evil. Some are broken. Some lash out in ways that we may never understand. While we may not be able to fix or cure them all, we can at the very least try to reduce the damage that they can do. We can look for warning signs and try to get them help before they are out of control. Most importantly, we can take away their guns! For so long it seems that weapons have been glamourized in movies and in video games. It's one thing for a video game character to walk into a room and annihilate everyone in it. It's quite another thing when someone does that in real life. It's time that people tell it like it is: GUNS ARE FOR COWARDS! Imagine what a beautiful world it would be without them. None of these killing sprees could happen.

A story like this makes you realize just how precious and fragile life is. Our children are our hearts. They are our future. After hearing about the tragedy, I held Michelle tighter than ever. I am so grateful to have her in my life. She is everything to me. I love her so much that I want to protect her from ever being hurt. I start to understand why my Mom was so overprotective with us. Bad things can happen. As much as you try to live in order and harmony, you can't control the world. You can't eliminate all chaos and cruelty, all random acts, all violence, all tragedy. But you do your best. You can take precautions. You try to keep your children safe from danger. Life is precious and must be protected. Especially the lives of our children.

Baby Fever



My little niece having cake!

Babies are messy. I know it. Screaming in the middle of the night (or the middle of the grocery store). Diaper changes. Spitting up. Toys and baby gear everywhere. And when they're old enough to eat solid food -- food everywhere (spaghetti will be fun. And obviously I've seen what they can do with a piece of cake!) It doesn't matter. Babies are cute. I love them. I'm anxious for mine. It won't be long now (due in July!)

It's so strange because most of my life I thought I didn't want kids. When I used to hear an infant wailing in a supermarket I'd cringe and think "Thank God that's not me!" Now I smile lovingly, get a warm feeling in my chest (then again it might be the heartburn!) and think "I can't wait for my own!"

It's like a switch has gone off in my brain since finding out I was pregnant. I'm in Mommy mode. It's hard to imagine now that I wasn't always in this mode. There were fleeting moments when a baby would look at me and smile that I'd feel a small twinge in my heart but not enough to make me want any. I just couldn't go there in my mind. Obviously it was meant to be. I was just a bit of a late bloomer which is only fitting because I have been in everything else. I didn't move out until my late 30s. My sexual peak didn't hit until my 40s. In my teens and 20s I wasn't happy with myself, wasn't comfortable in my own skin. It took a long time for me to reach the point where I felt vibrant and beautiful and open to experience life and its pleasures fully. Most women catch baby fever much younger. They can't wait to start a family. It's one of the things that rushes them to the altar. (I never really got wedding fever, then again I  never met Mr. Right, aka "the one," my soulmate. I met some pretty good imposters, but their true colours would always show long before any engagement ring appeared.) At the rate I was going, I couldn't see me ever getting married or having kids. And I was OK with that. I was just happy to reach a point in my life where I felt good about myself, physically and spiritually. I saw life as a beautiful adventure. I wanted to fall in love, travel, experience life to its fullest. The plan was to eventually relocate to a tropical paradise. I wanted to travel light. I drove a car with two seats and no trunk space. Babies weren't on my radar whatsoever. Not in my wildest dreams.


With my little nephew

People were skeptical when I told them I didn't want children. Especially when they would watch me holding their babies "Doesn't it make you want your own?" they would ask, incredulously. At the time though, it really didn't, "Not even one little bit," I replied smugly. Sure babies were cute and all and it was nice holding them, but I liked handing them back. Nice to visit but I didn't want to live there. I was relieved that I didn't have to hear them screaming at night and change their pea-soup ridden diapers every day. My time was my own. I was free. I could sleep in. Without an adorable little dictator controlling my life. Little did I know. The switch hadn't gone off yet. The switch wouldn't go off until the Fall of 2011 when I was 42 years old and dating a younger (and extremely fertile apparently!) man. Yes it took a scorpion, a balloon and a strange twist of fate to change my mind, my body, and life as I knew it, forever (please read my first blog post -- "Expecting Unexpectedly: My Story Begins" if you haven't yet and are curious how I suddenly found myself pregnant in November of last year.)

Apparently, I would learn later that another scorpion (aside from the one that knocked me up) may have played a role in the whole get-Ann-Marie-unexpectedly-pregnant scheme. My mother, also a Scorpio, told me that she had been praying every night that I would never regret my decision not to have a baby. What?! Mother! Really? Can you please consult me before you have discussions about MY life and reproductive system with the Big Guy?! And if you have that much pull can you maybe say a prayer for me like -- "Please God don't let Ann Marie regret that she never won millions in the lottery?!" Because let me tell you, $30 million would come in handy right about now! It seems that my mother's baby prayers for me were answered in a rather dramatic way. It was, quite tellingly, only a few days after Mom's November birthday that I was "late" and took a pregnancy test to find that YES I was quite pregnant. I guess I know what she wished when she blew out her candles! Thanks, Mom! What have you gotten me into?!

Now I have babies on the brain. Everytime I see one, giggling and cooing on TV, smiling in a magazine ad, sleeping cherub-like on an Anne Geddes card or calendar, or out and about beckoning me from strollers, from mothers' arms, or those irresistible little kangaroo pouches (my sister gave me one -- a "Snugli" -- because the idea of carrying my child like a marsupial is beyond adorable) I'm smitten. Yes I've been hit by a case of full blown Baby Fever! Just a glimpse of a baby and I can't help but smile, experience a pang of longing, an uncontrollable wave of affection and start to tear up a little in anticipation of my own little one. Baby strollers are like magnets to me now. I'm drawn to them. The other day in frozen foods I saw a couple with a newborn, six weeks old. So tiny. So precious. They had a little flower band on her head. She was sleeping like a cherub. "Don't let her fool you," the mother said, "she was screaming 20 minutes ago." It doesn't matter. Babies are perfect. Even when they're devils, they're angels.


Of course, it's not going to be easy. It's going to be a HUGE adjustment for me. My life and my body are no longer my own. There are a lot of things I have to figure out and get used to. Even working the stroller and carseat. My sister is a pro. She has the stroller folded up and in the trunk like magic, my nephew strapped in and secure in the carseat in seconds. Whenever I tried to do it I fumbled and couldn't figure it out and had to let my sister take over. Of course she's had years of practice with her 3 kids. I'm a newbie. I'll learn and it'll become second nature to me too.

One day while I was unloading groceries, I suddenly wondered how I would manage grocery shopping with a baby. I couldn't bring the stroller into the store AND push a cart but the shopping carts don't seem to be made to secure a baby seat in...So what do Moms do? I couldn't picture it. I guess I won't know until I try. When I think back to times I've seen moms shopping with babies, they usually have backup, Dad or Grandma or a friend to push the cart while mom has the stroller. But moms must go shopping alone, especially single Moms. I'll have to pay more attention...and take notes! Actually I have heard that carseats will fit in the basket part of a shopping cart somehow. Having never done it, I just don't see how.

I know that sleeping in will likely be a thing of the past unless baby sticks to her prenatal schedule (based on when she's most active in utero). So far it seems she sleeps through the morning and gets lively in the late afternoon and late at night. Just like her Mama! I know that my schedule will revolve around her for the first while. I'll be up when she's up and grab naps when she sleeps I guess. I asked a couple of mothers how they could tell the difference when a baby cries whether she's hungry, or needs to be changed or something else. "You just know" seemed to be the consensus. It wasn't very comforting. I guess it's an instinct you develop. As a Mom you have a knack for knowing what your baby needs. You can detect a subtle difference in the sort of cries that come from being hungry or being wet. And there's always trial and error. See what works. I'm hoping I can sing my baby to sleep and she will be peaceful until morning...Sure. I can dream! For the first six months I don't imagine I'll  get much sleep as I'll be breastfeeding and have to feed every few hours. I'm hoping that the feeding goes well. I've heard it can be very tricky in the beginning, but once you and baby get the hang of it, it comes naturally. Hopefully it doesn't hurt too much. Quite a few women warned me that they had problems and had to give up and go to the bottle. I'm going to try not to stress about it. My sister never had a problem with her kids. It is natural. I can tell my breasts are already getting ready for milk production! And frankly being on a tight budget, being able to feed the baby without having to buy formula would be a huge help. If I could score some free diapers too I'd be all set!
 

In his Hawaiian shirt from Aunt Ann Marie!

I always used to think that having a child would put the rest of your life on hold, that you wouldn't be able to do the things you used to. While this may be the case to some degree, a lot of the things I love I can still do with baby in tow. I will still go to the beach. It never stopped my sister. I'll just have to find shade for the baby. I'll probably get one of those magical little fold up round tents that pops open in one second and then folds up again (though usually not as easily) to put back in the bag. My sister used those when we headed to the beach with my little nephew. I may not be able to wear my old bikinis right away but I can still rock a tankini and sarong and enjoy the sunshine, the sand, the waves. And when the baby is older it will be fun to build sandcastles with her. I can still go for walks, go shopping, to the movies, excursions, anywhere I used to, just with a little more baggage now -- a diaper bag and stroller.

Baby will be here before I know it! The time has flown since November. April is almost over now. I'm days away from my third trimester. It's hard to believe. In some ways, I'm frightened -- of labour and of taking care of the baby. Newborns are so delicate. Will I be OK? Will I know what I'm doing? It will be OK. Every Mom is a first time Mom at some point. You learn as you go. I will be a pro soon enough. And I will have a couple of pros to give me pointers -- my Mom and my sister. When I get back home alone and it's just baby and me, it may be scary at first. (Not that having her dad around would have really helped. He was far less prepared for parenting than I was. He was just a big kid himself. Mischievous and completely irresponsible.) Fears aside, I'm excited about meeting my little angel. I can't wait for that new baby smell (even more intoxicating than the new car smell!) -- soft, powdery, fresh, clean, innocent. The tiny little fingers and toes. Little cherub cheeks. Holding her, singing her to sleep. Dressing her in adorable little outfits. And I won't panic if I need advice. Help is always a phone call away. I will cherish the time alone with my baby. She will be my world and I will be hers. Someday we may meet someone wonderful to join our little family, but until then we will do just fine on our own. It's a rollercoaster (and I always loved those!) -- a mixture of fear and excitement. You're so scared that you may ask yourself why you got on this wild ride but then you feel so alive, so exhilarated that you realize it's worth it.

I never imagined this but now I can't imagine life any other way. I see it as such a gift, such a blessing at this stage in my life to be embarking on my greatest adventure. I feel stronger and happier than ever. You think you know who you are until something happens to change your perspective and you see what you can become. You think you know what you want until you make a detour and discover your true destiny is nothing like you planned, but so much better. Never say never. I'm not saying that all women are meant to be mothers or would all want to. I'm just saying that for me, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was SO CERTAIN I didn't want kids! Yet now I know in my heart and soul that this was meant to be. God knew what I wanted and needed better than I knew myself. I always knew that I needed love and beauty in my life, I just didn't know the form that it would take: That it would be my baby.



Embracing my new curves



Worth giving up my old tummy for a while





















It's still sort of surreal to me that this is happening. It's magical. A miracle. My own baby. Part of me. Will she be like me? 

Me as a baby

Will she want to dance ballet (It was my dream as a child but my parents couldn't afford lessons. I'll take out a second mortgage or get 3 jobs if I have to but if she wants them she is definitely getting lessons!) Will she love to sing? Will she be artistic? I hope so but I won't impose my dreams on her. Whatever she wants to do I will encourage her. A baby is full of hope and possibility. So exciting to have a new life starting. This is like nothing I've ever done before. What I used to think of as my babies -- the pets I loved, the songs I wrote, the CD I put out, poems I published, paintings I created -- nothing compares to this. I also loved gardening -- planting and watching things grow and evolve, blooming in spring like a living painting. This baby will be my masterpiece, my greatest creation, my most beautiful flower. The most important thing I have brought into this world. A child. A new life. A person. What a massive (terrifying) responsibility! What an extraordinary, miraculous gift. It wasn't something I ever dared to wish for myself. I certainly didn't expect it now. I would have thought it was too late. It feels like I've been given a second chance to be a 20 year old. I feel like a young woman whose life is just beginning. The baby will keep me young!

This baby means the world to me. She is worth the changes and sacrifices I have to make. I would do anything for her. I was inspired to write this song for her, "Everything I do is for you." It's the latest in a playlist of my original songs that I've written for her so far. (A singer-songwriter I've written hundreds of songs. My baby is my muse now. I plan to write many more songs and lullabies for her.)

I didn't know I wanted a baby. I only knew that I wanted my life to be beautiful and extraordinary. Wanted to find my true love, a love that would endure forever, someone to share the rest of my life with, someone to love, laugh, learn and grow with. I wanted life to be an amazing adventure. Wanted to create something unique, to do something daring that I'd never attempted, to live life to the fullest. Well, it looks like I got my wish...