If you've been following my blog then you know that all along I've been counting on (and hoping for) a girl. The 19 week ultrasound that was SUPPOSED to confirm the gender was inconclusive. Baby wasn't cooperating and we couldn't get a proper look. The technician at the time said there was a 60-70% chance it was a girl but no way to be sure. I wanted to be 100% certain. There has been a 60-70% chance of thunderstorms just about every day for a week now and we barely got two drops of rain. Meanwhile, people kept giving me pink clothes (everyone I knew that had babies recently had girls so I have hundreds of pink sleepers). I had named her quite early on, in the first month, while her dad was still in the picture. I wanted a girl. It just HAD to be a girl. But I didn't know and I didn't want to wait until delivery to find out.
Now, at 32 weeks, I was going for another ultrasound. I was stressed. I was nervous that they wouldn't be able to tell, afraid that it would turn out to be a boy after all (yes of course I'd love my baby no matter what but I'm a girlie girl and I was looking forward to bonding with a girl. I'd been thinking girl all along, based on the chain test which always circled, my own sixth sense about it, the fact that everyone was giving me pink clothes, that I had already picked out a girl's name and didn't have any boy's names in mind etc.) Having a boy without a name and with 500 pink sleepers would have been a challenge. I would have a harder time relating to a boy. I don't like sports. I don't like their toys or their clothes. Plus I suppose there was part of me that was afraid the baby would be like his father. Hopefully she'll be a girl just like Mommy!
When I had called to book the ultrasound appointment, the lady on the phone was rather unpleasant. She seemed surprised that I was going for an ultrasound this late in the pregnancy and asked the reason. The doctor had put "spotting" on the form (I did have a spot, once. Everything seemed fine but the doctor thought it best to check it out. She actually wasn't even going to send me for an ultrasound except that I begged her to.) My reason of course was to tell the gender. When I told the woman on the phone that I really want to know if it's a girl she snapped at me "Well this is just going to be a brief appointment to make sure everything is OK because of the spotting. It will just be a few minutes, not like the last one. You probably won't be able to tell!"
Luckily the technician that I got doing the test was much more sympathetic.
I was lying there, staring at the beige walls and up at the ceiling, a drop ceiling, with white panels covered in squiggly patterns which looked like thousands of stretch marks, waiting for her to say something. I didn't want to interrupt and be a nuisance. Before she started, I had told her about my dilemma -- that this is my first, last and only child, that I really want a girl, that they couldn't tell at the 19 week ultrasound, that I need to know. I tried straining to look at the screen but couldn't tell anything from it. Just a black screen with blurry white images fading in and out. All of a sudden though, there was a wavy line and the heartbeat came over a speaker. I started to cry. Everytime I hear the baby's heartbeat it makes me cry. Such a beautiful sound. She passed me a paper towel to dry my eyes but then what she said next made me weep for joy even more:
"Well, you got your wish. It's a girl" she told me.
"Thank you!" I said through sobs, "Thank you so much!" I wanted to hug her but I was lying down, with my jeans pulled down and jelly on my belly so I thought I'd better not.
|32 week pregnant belly|
|Pre-baby & hopefully post-baby belly|
Maybe I can take my daughter to see her one day.
There are so many fun things I want to share with my little girl -- heading to the beach, shopping, playing with dolls (I hope she likes Barbie!) Dancing ballet (if she wants to. I won't force her of course. It was my dream as a child but I never got lessons.) There is so much beauty I want to show her. Even in my own backyard we can hang out on the beach, make sandcastles, pick flowers, watch butterflies. When I see beauty, I get excited. I feel like a kid again. To see those things with a child, to watch the wonder and excitement in their eyes, experiencing things for the first time, would make it that much more special.
It feels right that it's going to be just us girls, for a while at least. Just baby and me, and Ali (my female cat) makes three. No boys allowed! Of course there will still be boys in her life -- her cousins, her uncles, her grandpa. Maybe one day a nice man will come along and join our little family. He would have to be pretty special. It will be hard for me to trust someone again and with a new baby I certainly won't be dating for quite a while. But one day, who knows? If there is one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that you just don't know. Never say never.
I am just so happy about my baby girl. My beautiful little miracle. And in 8 weeks, I get to meet her!