But amid the rush sometimes you have to take a moment to breathe, enjoy the sunshine and hug your little girl. Michelle is my happy place and I am grateful for every moment with her. Having time away from her just makes me appreciate her even more.
Spending time outside together is my favourite thing. And it's official. Spring is here! (Actually Summer is here now! But this is a post about April and May...)
Michelle and I were both happy to see Spring. Of course Spring can go either way -- winter one day, summer the next and as the saying goes "April showers bring May flowers." On cold and/or rainy days we still found fun things to do. We went to see "Boss Baby." It looked cute and funny. Michelle and I were both excited to see it. I love Alec Baldwin, especially his recent impressions of the other Boss Baby (aka Man Child, inept President Donald Trump! Melissa McCarthy is brilliant as Sean Spicer as well and I'd LOVE to see them do a satirical feature film together but I don't suppose I could drag Michelle to that!) Anyway, we both loved "Boss Baby." It was adorable and entertaining and wound up being quite heart warming as well. I tried to hide my tears underneath the 3D glasses. But I'm a sentimental fool and I'll cry at just about anything!
I was reluctant to remove my snow tires because they were still calling for snow now and then and if I switched to the Spring tires and then got stuck in a snowstorm I'd be FURIOUS! Eventually however it seemed we were out of the woods and I had the tires changed. I really can't recommend snow tires enough for the peace of mind/feeling of safety. I used to risk it many years ago on my own but with Michelle I don't want to take any chances and I do so much commuting now that I really didn't have a choice (especially after that terrifying night I got stuck in a brutal snowstorm pre-snow-tires. I NEVER want to experience that again!)
When you're a photoholic you make the effort! It's all about the pictures! And if you're going to look at butterflies you might as well dress the part! People often remark on our outfits "Isn't that cute? You're both wearing butterflies!" I'm sure there are also people who glance and roll their eyes thinking "What a loser! Bad enough she dresses her kid in theme but herself? LAME!"
I can't help it. I gotta be me!
I never tire of snapping pictures of Michelle. My happiest moments are going on outings with her and taking pictures. It's like I get to enjoy it twice (or endless times actually!) All of my favourite beautiful/adorable moments forever frozen in an image that I can go back and look at whenever I want. It's a sort of magic that just never gets old for me. From the old school Polaroids that you could see instantly to the prints you used to have to pick up at the PhotoLab (remember that?! FILM cameras?!) to digital cameras where you see the images right away on the screen and can upload them to your computer (and eventually, hopefully actually print your favourites and get caught up on your baby books for the past 5 years!) I have been in awe of photography for several years. I love it. Life is made up of moments. Taking a photo lets you capture and keep it. That is everything to me.
She flew away before I could take any more photos. I still felt privileged to have gotten even this close for a moment.
Happiness is like a butterfly. Sometimes it eludes you. And other times you find it or it finds you when you least expect it. So you just enjoy the moment and be grateful for it, however long it lasts (even if it's only a few seconds before it flutters away...)
Michelle is a good sport. Big smile for the selfie with Mama and butterfly! I love Michelle's smile. These are the happy moments I hold on to when I'm going through a rough time. And to me, you can never take too many pictures. When she's older (and she's growing more every day!) I'll be glad that I captured these moments and these smiles. These experiences that Michelle and I share mean so much to me. I know I don't remember a lot (or anything) about my childhood under the age of 5. There aren't a lot of photos either. These photos are tangible memories that she can look back on. Even if she didn't remember she could relive these times through the pictures and I get to look back and enjoy them. One day when I get around to it (I've been procrastinating the project for years!) I will collect my favourite photos and put them in albums. So far I don't have photo albums of Michelle since she was a newborn.
Michelle loves dropping a coin in this donation receptacle. It spins around the large funnel gradually until it gets to the small hole in the centre where it spins faster and faster. She wanted to keep doing it over and over but I ran out of change. I rarely have actual money on me. I use my credit card everywhere (even to get my iced capps at Tim Hortons! Even the Dollar Stores are taking credit cards now! Woo hoo!) And any time I do have a bit of change in my purse, somehow Michelle ends up with it. She's amassed quite a collection of (my!) coins in her piggy (actually Sponge Bob) bank. At least she sometimes pays for her own ice cream when the truck comes down the street!
I love these photos with the rainbow lollipop and colourful painting in the background. I'm a sucker for colour. It's hard to believe when I was younger I dressed in nothing but black because now I LOVE colour. The more colourful the better! (Though I do still wear black occasionally.) Especially for photos and paintings I love colours. Turquoise, pinks and purples are my faves. Michelle's favourite colours are pink and purple and she wants to paint her room pink and purple. I told her we will try to do it someday though I shudder to think of the all the furniture I have to move away from the wall! I don't even know how I'm going to do it! I actually like painting (walls & canvases!) It's the prep work (moving furniture, putting down drop clothes, taping etc) that I CAN'T STAND! I wish I could just twitch my nose and it would be done. Then again I wish all housework was like that! Oh to be like Samantha in Bewitched!
"You can bring one animal to school, not a whole zoo!" I love stuffed animals too though I have given my collection to Michelle and I wasn't in the habit of bringing them along with me (though I do have Beanie Boo key chains -- a leopard and a black cat!)
Generally, I'm not a fan of masks. There's a whole "Eyes Wide Shut" Satanic cult/bandit/horror movie killer creepy factor to them for me but Michelle loves them and particularly likes making them so when she found this butterfly mask craft in the gift shop she begged me to get it. I'm a big softie and pretty much give in to her demands (within reason) so I got it. Michelle had a ball making her masks and then wanted us to try them on/have a fashion show. Of course I'm a photoholic and have to document everything so here it is. The masks are prettier when they're not on your face. Admittedly there are some feathery beaded Venetian masks which are sort of pretty but even they sort of creep me out. I just always think the person wearing a mask is pure evil. I tried putting a mask on Ali (our cat) but she wasn't having it. Not for an instant. The stuffies were much more cooperative.
Michelle gets a kick out of playing on my cellphone (obsolete i-phone 4 that it is.) She likes scrolling through pictures, playing Angry Birds and Cut the Rope. I know some kids her age already have their own devices (tablets and what not). I won't be doing that. I don't even have a tablet myself. She is going to have to wait. She's already asked me for a computer. She does have a little V-tech toy one with games on it and she likes to pretend it's a laptop like Mama's and that she's doing work on it. Some people have tried to tell me that Michelle will be left behind if she doesn't have the latest technology. To me, she picks things up so naturally I'm sure she'll figure things out when she has one to use. Besides I think kids are too attached to their gadgets "Is there wi-fi here?!" and I'd rather she just engage in the real world outside rather than be staring at a screen all the time! There's plenty of time for computers and apps and things when she's older. Kids should be kids! Play and use their imagination, not be glued to mindless gadgets!
I try to spend a little time with Michelle in the backyard at my Mom's when it's a nice day either before work (when I'm on nightshift) or after work (when I'm on dayshift.) It's good to get some fresh air and relax on the garden swing with her, play catch or hide and seek with Michelle. She also has a ball running around Grandma's big backyard. After a long dark cold winter it's a treat to get outside and get some sunshine whenever you can. It had reached the point where you didn't need a coat but you still needed a sweater.
With the cellphone because you can actually see the screen (and know what you're taking) when you take a selfie, we could see Ali's face and it made Michelle laugh which made for an even cuter photo! "Say cheese!" The quality of the i-phone pics was never very good but it was great for taking selfies, when I could still use it as a camera but that came to an end in May....I'll get to that story a little later...
"I'm FLYING MAMA!" I see other kids who seem relatively calm/unexpressive while Michelle is over the top thrilled and I'm glad that I have such a happy girl. Though sometimes it makes me feel like a gloomy Gus/Eeyore in comparison. In my defense it's tough to be too enthusiastic when you're sleep deprived and zombie-like (as I am most of the time!)
I must be getting older because lately it seems there's always something hurting -- I keep throwing my back out, hurting my shoulder, etc. I try to explain to her that sometimes Mama can't pick her up/give piggybacks, pull the wagon etc. The hardest thing is lifting her out of the car and carrying her up to bed when she falls asleep in the car. That nearly kills me. She's under 50 lbs but she feels like 100 when she's asleep! Sometimes I REALLY wish I had help! Heavy lifting is one of those times! I'm also not a big fan of mowing the lawn, putting out garbage etc. But at the rate I'm going I may not date again so it looks like I'll be doing all the heavy lifting and outdoor chores myself for the rest of my life!
I had watched the Smurfs on TV when I was a kid. The movie, like the show, featured the little blue creatures (smurfs) and their nemesis, the evil wizard Gargamel and his cat Azrael. Michelle didn't know anything about these characters and hadn't seen them before but saw a preview for the movie and that was enough. The twist with this movie is that they come across a village of warrior female smurfs. Michelle talked me into getting her a stuffed one. We also picked up some of the collectible smurf houses in McDonalds' Happy Meals. With kids' movies it's all about the merchandising!
I love the periwinkle blue walls and it adds to the illusion that it's a real little town surrounded by blue skies!I was dressed in almost the same shade of blue so I couldn't resist getting a photo next to the wall! I love this picture of Michelle and I. She looks so sweet. Seeing rooms freshly painted in pretty colorus makes me want to paint my own house but as I mentioned before I hate the prep work and it's a bit of an overwhelming task, especially on your own. One of these days I'd definitely like to paint Michelle's room (anything that would make her want to FINALLY sleep in her own room!), possibly my room, the bathrooms etc. There are a few areas that need touch-ups as well from nail pops etc.
Michelle and I always love visiting Auntie May. We both have a ball. Michelle enjoys playing with her cousin Reggie and I love catching up with my sister and my niece. Somehow May always has me in stitches laughing. Sometimes I barely make it to the washroom in time nearly wetting myself laughing so hard. Laughter really is the best medicine. With health issues that come and go and ongoing stress/lack of sleep it's a treat to be able to let loose and laugh your head off once in a while. I can always count on May for that. No one shares my sense of humour the way she does. The snapchat snaps are always good for a laugh too.
"You're getting warmer...You're getting colder..."
It's tricky though because my memory is so bad I often forget where I even hid them! So we just come across one at a later date in some random spot (like inside a boot or something!) The Easter bunny did a better job of hiding them where they could be found without too much trouble. I got a set of ears for Michelle to wear. I even had a set for Ali and I though I think Ali sported hers for approximately 10 seconds before she shook it off in disgust.
You can't really see in the photos but even Michelle's dress had a bunny on it. As evidenced by photos at the Butterfly Conservatory etc I am very into "themed" dressing because I'm a total nerd and truly it's ALL ABOUT THE PHOTOS! We dress for the occasion no matter what it may be. I didn't have a bunny shirt for me or I would have worn it! I had to settle for pastel hearts that sort of reminded me of Easter candy. H&M makes the most adorable dresses for girls but they neglect to make them in adult sizes so I could have one to match. And yes I would wear dresses with butterflies and bunnies on them. Hell to the yes! LOL
When I was a kid I was lucky if I got a chocolate bunny. That was it. No presents, no stuffies, no egg hunts. Michelle gets it all. As I've said before my parenting style tends to be saying yes to all my mother's nos -- giving Michelle all the things that I didn't get to have. Also because I'm a single Mom Michelle gets all of my love, attention and focus and it's pretty hard not to spoil her with cute things which I enjoy almost as much as she does. It's like Christmas for every occasion. Actually some kids wouldn't get this much for Christmas! I usually don't plan to get so much. It just kind of happens. I'll pick up a couple of things here and there over time and by the time the date rolls around, I've amassed a motherlode of gifts. (Mind you a lot of them are from the dollar store so it's not a lot of $$$!)
Michelle is very vocal. Sometimes I ask her to tone it down. As some parents say "use your inside voice!" but I don't know if Michelle HAS an inside voice. She sings, yells, plays all at the top of her lungs. No matter where we are. At home. In the park At the store. She's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. While she's trying to get the attention of the whole world I'm just quietly trying to go about my business inconspicuously. I'm glad she's happy/having fun but sometimes she embarrasses me. Sometimes she gives me a headache. Or both. When we're outside I warn her that some people may have their windows open and she may be causing a disturbance!
Michelle gets a kick out of having Ali outside, as you can see. Sometimes she chases a bug which is quite amusing to watch. She may be huge and round but it doesn't slow her down. Ali can run like a jack rabbit, scampering across the grass in record time.
Michelle loves to dress up. Sometimes randomly she'll just disappear into her room, close the door and come out later as a fairy/princess/bride/who knows? So she came out as a bride this day and had a little white cat purse to match. I can't remember who she was marrying, if anyone. Being only 4 years old of course Michelle is not getting married though she apparently has a more active dating life than I do. One day she told me that TWO boys in her class had tried to kiss her! She said she didn't let them (Good girl! Just say no!Stay that way as long as you can please!) One was calling her beautiful. It's cute at that age but kind of scary too. I can't even imagine when she's old enough to date. I'll probably have a heart attack. I just try not to think about it! I won't want to let her out of my sight! It's a delicate balance of course because if you're too restrictive they want to rebel but if you're too lenient/not dialed in they can get into trouble and you don't even know about it. I am a control freak. I will be on her like white on rice!
I managed to get a decent photo of our bunny friend by zooming in. He didn't seem to notice me with my camera through the patio door. He also had an audience of Michelle and Ali. "Michelle look! Bunny!"
"Awwwwww!" I couldn't resist getting a picture of them watching him.
Nothing says Spring like a bunny in your backyard. I guess if I was growing vegetables I might be annoyed at him nibbling but he's just so darn cute!
It was crazy hair day at school and I had just put Michelle's hair in a ponytail on top of her head but her teacher added some pipe cleaners and ribbons.
We went to visit Auntie May one day and it was such a nice day we all went to the park.
It's a great park with rubber ground so it doesn't hurt as much if you fall (which is brilliant and a huge improvement over gravel or wood chips which get stuck in your shoes but I guess it's somewhat cost prohibitive.) Michelle loved climbing on the dragon sculpture. A friend of May's at the park offered to take a picture of all of us. I always love getting group shots and there isn't always a handy place to sit the camera for the self timer.
Even with the rubber ground somehow Michelle managed to fall and get hurt THREE TIMES! She didn't want to leave (we offered). She still picked herself back up and wanted to play. One time she slipped and fell running. Another time she misjudged the rungs of a ladder and fell through. Another time she fell off the slide. I tried to watch her every moment but even as a hoverer I missed a couple of times. I always ran to comfort her as fast as I could. When she fell through the ladder I was worried she might have hurt her leg but a nurse that happened to be there assured me she was OK. Before I knew it she was running and laughing and playing again.
It's constant stress having a kid though. They fall and get hurt ALL THE TIME. Usually a kiss from Mama is enough to cure her/stop her from crying.
In spite of the Coyote warning signs we decided to brave a walk through the woods. We didn't come across any coyotes during our stroll. I hear you can always drop an anvil on them anyway ("Beep! Beep!" If you're not a Looney Tunes fan or loony just ignore this...) We were hoping to see a deer (apparently many had been spotted in the area -- get it? Spotted deer? OK I'll stop!) but we didn't find any of them either. I couldn't resist grabbing a selfie (or a few!) of us. This one that turned out the best, with all of us in it, the others were a bit off with someone blocked and/or making a face.
Then the kids wanted to have a race. Maniac that I am, I decided to join in. I wound up overtaking everyone and winning (I often let Michelle win races but this was a race against multiple opponents and my competitive nature kicked in!) but not without collapsing at the end of it, completely red-faced and out of breath with every part of me aching. I can really push myself when I have to (as I did last year for the Fitness Test where I got 99/100! That still blows my mind!) but it takes a lot out of me. And I shouldn't push myself because I usually pay for it later. Especially lifting Michelle. I keep aggravating old back/shoulder injuries.
Who could resist the opportunity to be a fennec fox? Not me! How adorable are they?!
I always love playing with the silly snaps on Shannon's i-phone. It's always good for a laugh. And I'm a photoholic so any photo op is welcome! The sillier the better!
May and Shannon ALWAYS make me laugh. Michelle always has a ball too. Visiting at Auntie May's is one of our favourite things to do! We go there as often as we can. No matter what is going on in my life, now matter how tired or stressed I feel, going to May's always makes me feel better. No one gets me like May and no one makes me laugh the way she does. I wish I could see her every day!
This is a photo of Michelle in her class that her teacher took. I love the contrast between how animated Michelle is and how solemn/unexpressive everyone else looks. It just sums Michelle up. She is a bubbly happy girl with a zest for life. A couple of mornings when my weariness was showing enough that her teachers commented how tired I looked (when I had to work 16 hour nightshifts) I confessed how supremely exhausted/sleep deprived and stressed I was. I was happy to hear her teacher say that there is no evidence of my stress in Michelle. I might be going through hell but you'd never know it to look at her. She is a happy, bright, excited and energetic girl. It brought a tear to my eye. That's all that matters. As long as she's happy, it doesn't matter what I'm going through. My sacrifices and commute and lack of sleep and everything else I go through is to make a better life for her, so if she's good, it's all worth it. At the end of the day (even a very long exhausting zombie day for me) she knows that she is loved.
As a single Mom it's tough. (Especially in a case like mine where there is no ex in the picture.) You don't have help. It's all you. You give your child all your love and attention and meet their needs to raise a healthy happy human being. You also have to pay the bills, take care of the house, the car, buy the groceries, make the meals, carry the weight of the world on your shoulders etc. So when a towel rack comes off the wall (Michelle pulled on it for God knows what reason. Climbing I guess.) you have to figure out how to get it back in (I did eventually but it was a heck of a struggle! How you push a solid plastic rod between two end pieces when the rod is longer than the gap between the ends was like an impossible math problem but I just kept pushing until it magically snapped in. And nearly broke my arm! Luckily I'm stubborn.) When the pot lights burn out you have to figure out how to change them (I did that too by Googling it! And I was so proud of myself! LOL) You have to mow the lawn and pull the weeds (even when you're beyond exhausted with a bad shoulder and a bad back because there's no one else to do it and you can't let the house go to hell -- even though some people do, even dual parent households! Come on guys, if I can do it all my by lonesome in between working 16 hour days you can get off the couch & off your iphone for a second to mow your friggin lawn and pull the weeds so the dandelions don't go to seed and blow all over the neighbourhood!) I try to get most of my chores and errands done during the 6 hour window (which flies by in an instant!) when Michelle is in school because I hate to have to drag her along for things. It's boring enough for me never mind for a 4 year old. I scheduled an oil change because I would never want to drag Michelle on errands like that. I had to when she was a baby and it was sheer hell. 
One day when I went to the dealership they were quite busy and I had to wait over an hour and a half. For a friggin OIL CHANGE. (Of course they always try to up-sell you and gouge you for a lot more than the oil change but I've learned to put my foot down and just say no. If it's not absolutely required, I'm not paying for it.) I am not a fan of boring errands. I hate wasting time when there's so little of it and so much I have to do. To make matters worse while I was waiting an older male in the waiting area was playing poker on his tablet. "Swish" I kept hearing every couple of seconds. "Swish" each time he would play a card. I looked around. A guy across from me gave me an "I know, right?!" look. His eye was twitching but he wasn't speaking up. I looked around at the others. A woman flipping through a magazine, a young male on his cellphone. A businessman reading the paper. No one was saying anything but it was like nails on a chalkboard to me and I had to speak up. My patience level lately is less than zero.
"Excuse me, Sir?" I begin.
No response.
"Excuse me..." a bit louder.
I manage to pierce his bubble this time. He looks at me like I have three heads. Everyone looks at me like I'm from outer space. And maybe I am but I've gotta be me!
"Uh...Could you possibly turn down the volume on your tablet? It's just a little loud."
He looks dumbfounded. "Oh. Sorry."
He does something with the tablet but apparently not the right thing because he then returns to his game and it's JUST AS LOUD. SWISH. SWISH. Now my eye is twitching.
"Umm. It's not... It's just as...Never mind." At this point I have to give up. SWISH. SWISH. SWISH. I want to kill this man. I'm thinking "What the hell?!" I can't sit here anymore. And why the hell does it take TWO HOURS to get a friggin oil change at the dealership when meanwhile I can go to the cheapo place and get an oil change in 10 minutes?! I literally CAN'T EVEN so I get up to walk around and escape the cacophony of swishing noises. There's nowhere to go so I head over to the sales part of the office where the cars are. Then the sales people come out of the woodwork to hound you because they think you're buying a car. So I explain "Oh. No. I'm not looking. I'm just killing time waiting for service and I couldn't sit in the waiting area because there was a guy making noises on his tablet and it's like nails on a chalkboard and I just couldn't take it." The sales person chuckles nervously and escorts me to a desk where I can sit in relative peace. I'm sure they're probably calling the police and ambulance to have me taken away as a mental patient. I sit there for a while and text my sister on my cell. Hip modern woman that I am. I can text! Finally I wander back to the waiting area and loud tablet guy is gone. Finally my car is ready. By now it's almost time to pick up Michelle so all the other errands I had to run aren't getting done today. What a swishing waste.
And then one day, for some insane reason, I tried to book a dental appointment. Because apparently I'm a glutton for punishment and surgery hadn't been quite enough. Basically now that I had benefits I thought I might as well be using them. It had been quite a while since I'd gone to a dentist. I figured I should have one in town because I do so much driving I might as well save myself an hour's drive where I can. Plus it would be handy to go to the dentist while Michelle is in school. So I took a chance and went to a new office in my area (there was a flyer in the paper and they were 1 minute from my house. So convenient!) I sat and filled out a mountain of paperwork in the waiting room.
The hygienist was a sweet, pretty East Indian girl. Unfortunately she inadvertently whacked me in the head with a machine... She led me into a room for a "360 X-ray" which I'd never heard of and frankly gave me the willlies. She started to lower the machine without warning me or asking me to move over and it bonked me in the head. After being whacked with a heavy metal machine I thought "I'm not off to the best start in this new office!" A bit startled but alive I was then lead to stand still while this creepy rotating machine spun around my head. I was pretty freaked out, unsure if I was going to be hit again. The girl seemed a little bit confused/inexperienced/disorganized but she was so kind and sweet that I almost forgave her. Then after all that the x-ray didn't even work. She asked if I wanted to do it again (?) I said oh hell no. So she just made do with the regular x-rays. Because I hadn't been to the dentist for several years (when I didn't have benefits. I don't like going to the dentist when it's free so I SURE wouldn't pay for it!) my teeth took a long time to clean. She had to book another appointment to get the rest of the scaling done. At least it wasn't so bad. She told me to raise my hand if the pain was too bad and I never had to raise my hand. Normally I'm a nervous wreck at the dentist but after going through the biopsy this was a cakewalk! She was a pleasant young woman and talked to me about her son's birthday party etc. The office seemed rather disorganized but I figured it was because they had just opened.
Then the dentist came in. He was decidedly less than pleasant. He was a stern looking, insensitive Middle Eastern man with dark eyes and an inability to smile. I don't know if he said two words to me. He seemed a bit annoyed the 360 x-ray hadn't worked and assured me my insurance company wouldn't be charged for it. My first impression of him as not very nice turned out to be accurate. He was a monster. When he looked at my teeth, rather than gently asking me to turn my head to the left or right (as every other NORMAL dentist does) he forcibly pushed my face back and forth, up and down, poking at my cheeks like I was a cadaver or a doll. I was totally creeped out. I thought maybe I'm just being too sensitive but I ran the story by a couple of other people who said no that's really weird. I never wanted to see Dr. Insensitive Psycho again. Unfortunately I had an appointment booked for a couple of small fillings. Maybe I'd get lucky and it would be a different dentist. I called the office to ask. No it was going to be the same one. Yikes. No way Jose! I told them I never wanted to see him again and why. So they rescheduled the appointment with another dentist in the office.
The hygienist was a sweet, pretty East Indian girl. Unfortunately she inadvertently whacked me in the head with a machine... She led me into a room for a "360 X-ray" which I'd never heard of and frankly gave me the willlies. She started to lower the machine without warning me or asking me to move over and it bonked me in the head. After being whacked with a heavy metal machine I thought "I'm not off to the best start in this new office!" A bit startled but alive I was then lead to stand still while this creepy rotating machine spun around my head. I was pretty freaked out, unsure if I was going to be hit again. The girl seemed a little bit confused/inexperienced/disorganized but she was so kind and sweet that I almost forgave her. Then after all that the x-ray didn't even work. She asked if I wanted to do it again (?) I said oh hell no. So she just made do with the regular x-rays. Because I hadn't been to the dentist for several years (when I didn't have benefits. I don't like going to the dentist when it's free so I SURE wouldn't pay for it!) my teeth took a long time to clean. She had to book another appointment to get the rest of the scaling done. At least it wasn't so bad. She told me to raise my hand if the pain was too bad and I never had to raise my hand. Normally I'm a nervous wreck at the dentist but after going through the biopsy this was a cakewalk! She was a pleasant young woman and talked to me about her son's birthday party etc. The office seemed rather disorganized but I figured it was because they had just opened.
Then the dentist came in. He was decidedly less than pleasant. He was a stern looking, insensitive Middle Eastern man with dark eyes and an inability to smile. I don't know if he said two words to me. He seemed a bit annoyed the 360 x-ray hadn't worked and assured me my insurance company wouldn't be charged for it. My first impression of him as not very nice turned out to be accurate. He was a monster. When he looked at my teeth, rather than gently asking me to turn my head to the left or right (as every other NORMAL dentist does) he forcibly pushed my face back and forth, up and down, poking at my cheeks like I was a cadaver or a doll. I was totally creeped out. I thought maybe I'm just being too sensitive but I ran the story by a couple of other people who said no that's really weird. I never wanted to see Dr. Insensitive Psycho again. Unfortunately I had an appointment booked for a couple of small fillings. Maybe I'd get lucky and it would be a different dentist. I called the office to ask. No it was going to be the same one. Yikes. No way Jose! I told them I never wanted to see him again and why. So they rescheduled the appointment with another dentist in the office. 
This time when I went in the office seemed even MORE disorganized and unprofessional if such a thing is possible. I was led to a room where the seat WASN'T EVEN CLEAN! Seriously. The germophobe in me was screaming. There were bits of white stuff on the seat (?!) I can't believe I didn't say anything but I was already borderline having a panic attack at the idea of the drill. Flashbacks of previous dentist trips and the biopsy flashing through my brain. I looked around the office. I couldn't believe there was a set of plastic drawers on the floor (the kind you get at Walmart). PLASTIC. Like they didn't even have PERMANENT FIXTURES to house their instruments?! They couldn't spring for proper drawers/cabinets? Just plastic drawers? It was all just a little bit makeshift and thrown together. How long had they been in business? A few months? Did they even know what they were doing?! And I was entrusting them to do things to my TEETH. To make matters worse, the dental assistant/hygienist (this time a blonde) was completely disorganized/bumbling. She kept walking back and forth from one room to another, asking other girls for things. She seemed lost/distracted/not all there. Then I could see her in the lunch room making her tea. It was weird. I've never been in an office where I could see them in their lunch room. Shouldn't that be closed off/private?! And wait, she didn't even wash her hands after handling the tea bag?! She finally came in and told me I'd be getting my fillings and then the cleaning. I asked if it wouldn't make more sense logically to do the cleaning BEFORE the fillings? She said she'd check. She left for a while. Then she came back and told me no this was how the appointments were booked and there was no changing them. Logic be damned. I was worried. I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel comfortable. I wanted to get up and run and never look back but I was supposed to get my fillings and I just wanted it over with and the office was so close to my house and I'd gone to the trouble to fill out all that paperwork... So I sat. And waited. Possibly for my doom. Or to catch something from the dirty seat, the tea-bag hands (I'm sure she wore gloves... hopefully?!) and God knows what.
The dentist this time was Spanish and seemed friendly enough, a human being at least -- he smiled. But then he and the dental assistant started bickering RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME (?!) and I was sort of freaking out. They were arguing about an appointment or something and I just kept thinking this is so inappropriate and I wasn't in love with the prospect of two people who were angry with each other being inside my mouth and drilling into my teeth! At one point she just muttered whatever and then the dentist apologized to me for their behaviour. I said sarcastically "Oh, that's OK... It's all just ADDING TO MY ANXIETY!" Going to the dentist isn't my favourite at the best of times. This was the worst of times. He asked if I wanted freezing or not. I deferred to his expertise (though why I still trusted him I'm not entirely sure.) I said if the needle for the freezing would actually be more painful than the drilling then let's forgo it! My goal was to experience the least pain possible. He said he thought I should be all right without freezing. Not getting a needle sounded great to me. He didn't have to drill too deep. Again I was to raise my hand if it became too painful. Thankfully I didn't have to raise my hand. My tooth felt REALLY REALLY COLD at one point and it was bordering on painful but then it stopped and he said he was done. I thought he was just done the one tooth but they were both done. I was pleasantly surprised. Yay! I survived getting a filling (two actually!) Even in a bumblingly incompetent crazy dental office with an arguing dentist and absent-minded assistant and plastic drawers and dirty seats! Now I just had my cleaning with the nice East Indian lady in another (somewhat less disturbing) room. I just wouldn't let her do a 360 X-ray head bonk this time. I lived through the scaling. Again, no hand raising. She gave me a bit of a lecture (though pleasantly) on the importance of flossing and dental appointments. My teeth were clean and I got to hear about her son's birthday party and to talk about Michelle and how she turns 5 in the Summer. I liked her. She was the one nice thing about the office. Even if she was a bit clumsy too. And maybe it was my fault for being under the machine when she lowered it? (No. She should have warned me. I had no idea what to do. I was the one who was new to this. She was supposed to know what she was doing.) 
They talked me into booking an appointment for another cleaning a couple of months away because my insurance covered it. The more time I had to think about it however (and to tell people about it) I realized I should NEVER return to that office. Like ever. I'd rather drive an hour if I have to to go to an office that is clean, professional, friendly and I feel safe. Besides, I would have to take Michelle to the dentist at some point and there was NO WAY ON EARTH I would take her to these jokers! So I called to cancel my cleaning appointment."Ok. When would you like to reschedule...?" the secretary asked, obliviously. (After all how could she know what I had been through? Well she knew I didn't like Dr. Psycho pushy face but not my latest encounter.)
"Umm. Never actually. I'm not coming back to your office."
I would have let it go at that but she pressed me.
"There were just a lot of RED FLAGS," I offered, dismissively.
She had to know. So when she asked "Like what?" I let the floodgates open.
"Ok. If you really want to know..."
She listened to my tirade and then I could hear her bristling. I had offended her office. She was very defensive and had an explanation of sorts for everything -- the dental assistant was pregnant and distracted, the plastic drawers were for root canal tools to be moved to different rooms and this and that. I think I even forgot to mention the dirty seat. Dang. I wonder what excuse she would have had for that? The bumbling prego assistant? I told her it didn't matter anyway. There was literally nothing on earth she could possibly say that would lead to me setting foot in that gong show of a dental office EVER AGAIN.
"There were just a lot of RED FLAGS," I offered, dismissively.
She had to know. So when she asked "Like what?" I let the floodgates open.
"Ok. If you really want to know..."
She listened to my tirade and then I could hear her bristling. I had offended her office. She was very defensive and had an explanation of sorts for everything -- the dental assistant was pregnant and distracted, the plastic drawers were for root canal tools to be moved to different rooms and this and that. I think I even forgot to mention the dirty seat. Dang. I wonder what excuse she would have had for that? The bumbling prego assistant? I told her it didn't matter anyway. There was literally nothing on earth she could possibly say that would lead to me setting foot in that gong show of a dental office EVER AGAIN.
"How long have you been in business anyway? A couple of months?" I asked.
"7 years," she said.
"Yikes." Somehow that made everything even worse. You've been in business almost a decade and you're a trainwreck? Wow. I wondered idly if others had suffered the same fate as I had (or worse.)
I looked online out of curiosity and saw that some poor soul with botched dental work had given them a scathing review. So it wasn't just me. Lesson learned. At least I survived relatively unscathed. But no more fly by night local offices from flyers in the newspaper for me.At least it was an adventure and I got some laughs out of it telling May my whole sordid tale. It's almost worth going through bad experiences when you get an amusing anecdote out of it... As May and I used to say when we went through a bad experience "See a few things, LEARN a few things..."
This time Michelle got up close and personal with something other than butterflies. Yes, Michelle is far more brave than I am. Clearly. She was willing to touch this massive and utterly terrifying leaf bug or whatever the devil it was. I wasn't going near the thing. I stood at a distance and zoomed in to take a photo. The way it moved with it's creepy legs was nothing short of sinister. I was certain he would kill us all. I imagined being under a tree and having a leaf suddenly start moving and I literally couldn't even.
Yes it's an obsession/addiction but compared to some addictions/obsessions I think I could do a lot worse! Besides, being a photoholic is almost in vogue now! Everyone's doing it!
This must have been a newborn (recently hatched) butterfly because he didn't seem to fly very much. We put him on an orange slice to eat afterward. I didn't want him to be stepped on or picked up by some careless/rough kid. I'm protective of the butterflies. I don't like to see kids handling them roughly, grabbing at them. It stresses me out.
You're not supposed to touch the butterflies at all actually. Michelle is always very gentle and careful with them. She knows to never touch their wings and to just let them sit on her finger/arm.
Don't worry, BEE happy! They didn't have a butterfly one and Michelle asked for this bee balloon. Then she posed in front of the honeycomb full of bees. I love bees. And we need them. The declining bee population worries me. Two thirds of the food crops we eat require bees/pollination. I remember hearing the terrifying quote "If the bee disappers, mankind has four years." Because with no bees at all eventually we wouldn't have plants. We wouldn't have food. We would die. Problems like habitat loss, pesticides, disease and climate change are destroying bees and it could have devastating consequences for us as well. We are all in this together. We need to protect the planet and the creatures in it since we depend on them.I've never killed a bee. Let them BEE!
These tree nymphs seem to be the friendliest/most accessible of the butterflies in the conservatory. Or at least they're the ones that land on us the most often and don't immediately fly away. We're always grateful when they stop and spend some time with us!
At least no one walked directly into the shot. I love Michelle's pose here with her hand on her hip. My Mom says Michelle will be a handful as a teenager. She's already got a bit of the teenage attitude! I'm sure when she's a teenager though she won't even go with me to excursions like this, much less be willing to pose with Mama for photos. She would probably be too embarrassed. Or maybe she will stay close to me and be my best friend as she gets older? I can hope! In any event I have to cherish this time that I have with her while she still thinks hanging out with Mama is fun!
We found this Egyptian mummy in one of the museum rooms at the conservatory. I wasn't entirely sure what mummies had to do with Butterflies (I didn't bother to read the write-up next to the display case) but Mother's Day was coming up so maybe it was a Mummies for Mommies display? We got a selfie with it anyway. It was just a replica of an actual mummy sarcophagus from Egypt.
I've always been fascinated by Egyptians and their beautiful art/sculpture/jewelry/architecture/hieroglyphics. These were people that really appreciated beauty. Plus they worshiped cats so I can completely relate to them! Their obsession with death was a tad morbid but at least they got to die in style! Beautiful mummies encased in gold and housed in a pyramid! (Mind you I think that was just for royalty...)
Michelle loves to draw. It has to be her idea though. If you ask her to draw or colour something she'll protest. If you pester her long enough she'll grudgingly do it but make a halfhearted effort -- stick figures scribbled and not coloured in.
If it's her own idea however she will draw and colour an entire page until her hand is sore. This adorable picture was her idea and I love it! A panda, a parrot, a cat, a bunny and a mouse. I'm not sure what inspired her to suddenly draw this menagerie but I'm grateful. Her artwork always makes me smile. I try to keep all of it. I still have to organize it in files. I'm several months (a year?) behind on labeling and filing things. It's one of the many projects on my someday "to do" list that never gets done...
Now that I'm a Mom, Mother's Day is even more meaningful for me. I'm grateful to have a girl who loves and appreciates me and is ALWAYS expressing it with hugs, kisses, words, cards, pictures. I have never felt so loved. And as my sister tried to tell me, it is the greatest love, nothing else compares.I was happy that Michelle made me a Mother's Day card without any coaxing but then she makes me "I love you cards" all the time for no occasion.
I also never have to coax Michelle to dress up. She LOVES wearing dresses. She's always happy to have an excuse to get dolled up. After we were dressed I couldn't resist getting a few photos of us...
Michelle picked out her turquoise dress and hairband to match. I can't remember where I found this navy dress (it was either Walmart or Giant Tiger) but it was a great deal and very comfortable. I love wearing dresses in the Summer. It's just so easy and comfortable. It's almost like wearing a nightgown all day. Might as well! Technically it was still Spring (Summer doesn't officially start until June) but the weather was warm and it felt like Summer! Good enough for me!
The obligatory group photo at May's place. My brothers had plans and couldn't make it for Mother's Day so they gave my Mom her gift ahead of time.
Michelle had learned a little Mother's Day song in school: "Moms are special. Moms are nice..." She sang it for me. She was going to sing it for the whole group at my sister's but she got stage fright and only wanted to perform it for me. I recorded a video of her singing it so I could show everyone. I put it on Youtube. Here's the video below:
I always wind up laughing at May's place. It's one of my favourite places to be. It's always a treat to be there. I was grateful that May agreed to host Mother's Day and even offered to host my birthday at her place. My Mom's place is much more crowded. Of course Michelle always loves going to Auntie May's as well. It's the best!
I love this picture of Michelle on the swing. She's so happy. It never gets old -- the joy of swinging, touching the sky. "I'm FLYING MAMA!" She loves it. Especially now that she can swing on her own like a big girl. She always wants a push from me to get her started. The tough part is when she wants off the swing because she's not quite big enough to get down herself and when I go to stop her, lift her off sometimes she jumps and pulls on me, putting a strain on my back. Lately I've had to be more careful because I keep aggravating old back/shoulder injuries, mostly by lifting Michelle. I still carry her in when she falls asleep in the car and I sometimes get talked into giving her piggyback rides. I'll think I'm OK and all of a sudden "AAAACK! My BACK!"
Yes, I'm getting old! At my age, birthdays aren't exactly a welcome thing. (Though I don't want them to stop! LOL) I can't actually believe how old I am. I'm so old that I actually forgot how old I am! (Yes. I'm losing my mind a little. My short term memory is shot. Information overload I guess. Too many years of taking in random facts. My hard drive is full. Now I'm losing stuff. Short term memories are first to go. I forget things so easily.)One good thing about birthdays is getting to spend time with family. I was extremely grateful that May offered to host my birthday party at her house.
Michelle and I got dressed up and got a few photos at home before heading out. Her panda had to get in the picture of course. She goes through phases with her stuffies. Panda was Number #1 during May and she had to take him EVERYWHERE. To school, in the car, to Grandma's etc. I drew the line at letting her take him into stores with us. Even if it was a store that didn't carry pandas.
Michelle has a LOT of dresses. I can't help it. I love dressing her up. I was buying her dresses before she was even born! As soon as I found out I was going to be having a girl I bought her a frilly dress to celebrate! You can see it in the post "It's a girl!" from 2012 when I went for an ultrasound and got the good news. One of the best days of my life. Don't get me wrong. I would have loved a boy too but it would have been different. There would have been a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to share with him. Trying on dresses is one of them!
My brothers missed Mother's Day and couldn't make it to my birthday either but I'd be seeing them at my place for May's birthday and they'd be bringing my gifts then. The reality is most families don't get together half as much as we do. Most people think we're nuts when they hear how we get together for every occasion. Some only see their extended family once a year, if that. We tend to be the exception rather than the rule. I'm grateful to have a close knit family. These days I don't have a social life to speak of so my family is basically it! My sister is my best friend and I'm always happy to spend time with her. My family and Michelle especially are the greatest gift and I'm so lucky to have them!
I love taking silly snaps with Shannon's i-phone. I wanted us both to be mice (at least I think it's a mouse!) but it was only allowing one at a time. Some filters only allow one participant, others two. I guess it's hard for the phone/camera to register more than that. I like the filters that give you cute animal faces/funny faces. I'm not a big fan of the ones that give you horrifying monster faces (beady little eyes and misshapen heads and whatnot. I try not to post those ones! They haunt my dreams!) Shannon emails me the pics afterward so that I can save them. After Mother's Day I could no longer take photos with my i-phone. I got the white screen of death one day and looked online to discover Apple did an upgrade to deliberately render old i-phones (like my hand-me-down i-phone 4 obsolete. Those buggers!) I refuse to buy a new one so I'm just using my phone for emergencies now -- I got rid of the white screen and I can still call/text. Just no more photos or Instagram for me... Until/unless someone gives me their old i-phone 5! LOL (I'm sort of kidding.)
And then there is the glowing flower/angel/fairy filter... This time Michelle and I both got to take part. I love her face here, like a porcelain doll! She is my angel for the most part. I couldn't ask for a sweeter more loving girl. Of course she's a ginger, like Mama so she has her moods as well. It's a trade off though. I love that she's passionate and animated and over the top. She's happy most of the time and it's wonderful to behold. The rare times she freaks out (usually when she's over-tired and cranky, frustrated/overwhelmed) are tolerable considering she's a joy most of the time. And I'd rather have a child who wears her heart on her sleeve and feels deeply than an inanimate zombie kid with no reaction to anything (I've seen kids like that. No life, no enthusiasm. I blame the gadgets. They are raising a generation of zombies but I will take my old school lively child with the wild imagination who loves to shout and sing and dance around and has more to say than "What's your wi-fi password?")
Michelle hadn't seen Sesame Street in a while (it's only on in the wee hours of the morning and we usually don't make it to the TV at that time) but you never forget Cookie Monster! I was expecting there to be some kind of display, a plate of cookies, a new Sesame Street book or something to explain the presence of a giant blue monster but it just seemed to be a random presence on an ordinary day. I'm always happy for a photo op whatever the reason!
"Thank you!" I told the guy "I didn't even know there was a switch to turn it on!"
It's hard to get a shot of Michelle coming out of the tunnel slide. She either gets stuck in a line up of kids and takes forever and I wind up snapping a picture of the wrong kid. Or I'm too late on the draw and just miss her. Once in a while I get lucky and catch her just in time and she almost has a smile on her face. The slides used to be her favourite thing but now she mostly plays on the ropes, with table hockey or the other games on the back wall that she took no notice of before. I just enjoy watching her play. I'm not a fan of when she's in the upper level and I can't see her. I get that moment of panic/sick feeling in my gut when I can't see her. Of course she's safe but I'm a worrier/hoverer so it's hard to let go. I almost wish I could be blase like other parents who spend the whole time on their phones and never even look up to check on their kids. Almost.
Sometimes I'm having a bad day and I'm beyond exhausted and I don't know how I'll get through but then Michelle gives me a card that says "I love you Mama! You are the best!" and it's all worth it. I love that she's a little heart and I'm a big heart with teeth and everything! Her artwork makes me so happy! She's always hugging and kissing and telling me she loves me too. I'm glad she's so affectionate. I am too. I know that some people aren't demonstrative with their kids. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't imagine being any other way!
I'm so grateful for my happy girl. I was pleased that even her teacher said Michelle is such a bright, happy girl, whatever stress and difficulty I may be experiencing with my crazy schedule (and lack of sleep) at least it's not affecting her. Michelle loves being home with Mama but she also enjoys her second home at Grandma and Grandpa's. Life is crazy for me with all the commuting I do back and forth for several hours a day on top of the 12 hour shift (sometimes I wonder how I survive!) but it's just a fun adventure for Michelle who is along for the ride and just rolls with it wherever she may be. I try to put on a brave face for the most part and not let her know the toll it's taking on me. 
May was a busy month for events as well! Next thing we knew it was May's birthday. I agreed to host it at my place for a change because it was the least I could do when she has almost everything at her place! It's nice to have company at my house once in a while. It was quite a challenge getting the house clean and tidy though. When I'm not entertaining I don't always worry about the house being "presentable." It was a Herculean task getting it presentable for the party! I love when the house is clean and tidy and everything is in its place but it's a lot of work getting it that way and I wish I could just twitch my nose and it would be done. It's also an uphill battle to keep it tidy since every time Michelle plays she leaves a trail of toys in her wake. I try to explain to her that she needs to pick up after herself and not create more work for Mama (who is already worked to death without help!)
Thankfully it was a beautiful day so we could all congregate in the backyard where there's a lot more room (which is what we did once my brothers and their entourage arrived...) We are a very big gang when everyone is there! A lot of people to fit in my little house!
I made sure to cover her in sunscreen so my little ginger girl wouldn't burn being outside for hours. And I always make her wear sunglasses. I'm always surprised when I drop off and pick up Michelle from school that most people (like 95%) don't put sunglasses on their kids, even though the parents are wearing sunglasses themselves. Don't they know it's important to protect their kids' eyes?! I'm just more anal than the average bear but then I was the ginger kid who was left outside to rot and got severe blistering sunburns... (Mom plays it off like they hadn't INVENTED sunscreen yet. Sure, Mom. Still they invented SHADE!) I tend to be on the overly cautious side so she doesn't suffer the same fate.
When there's a new kids' movie playing, especially Disney, we're usually there. We went to see "Born in China." I worried because it was a documentary that it may not be able to hold Michelle's interest but the animals were so adorable and funny that she loved it as much as I did. It was incredible to be drawn into their world, especially on the big screen and in 3D. It was heartbreaking at one point (one of the mother animals doesn't make it...Always the mother that bites it in Disney isn't it?!) The cinematography was breathtaking. It was a nice change from the usual animated films we go to. It was hard to stifle my tears though. It was pretty emotional. I hate falling apart in public. If I'm at home I just let loose and wail but in the theatre I try to be subtle about it. It was a beautiful film and a good reminder for us. Nature is so fragile and beautiful. We have to protect it. We are all in this world together. It isn't only the animals that are in danger if we don't keep climate change in check. We're all in this planet together and depend on each other for survival. I think the shirts were inspired by the live action Cinderella where "Have Courage and Be Kind," was the catchphrase/advice her mother gave her before she passed away. It's a beautiful motto Cinderella admirably lives by showing superhuman patience and kindness to her cruel selfish stepmother and stepsisters. Eventually, she gets her happy ending and gets to be a Princess and live the life she deserves but her life seemed pretty bleak up until then. It wasn't bad enough the poor girl loses both her parents but then she gets bullied by her idiot stepfamily! It was amazing that Cinderella could remain kind to those who were so mean to her (mind you it is a fairytale!) So you could say Cinderella was an example of a REALLY good Christian. A saint really. Unbelievably kind and always turning the other cheek. I'm not quite there. Not by a long shot. I probably would have told the stepsisters & stepmom to go F%^$ themselves and get their lazy, ugly butts out of my parents' house...But that's just me. Hey, even Jesus lost his temper once (when sleazy salesmen were turning his father's house into a "den of thieves.") I wonder if Jesus would have lost his temper in traffic... Jesus take the wheel...
Be kind: a simple philosophy but it can be difficult to execute, especially when you're a perfectionist and no one is perfect. It's tough being a control freak when there are so many things beyond your control -- life, the weather, other people etc. Other people are the trickiest. As much as I might like it if everyone followed my rules/script, they seldom do. More often than not they do the opposite to what I'd like. I'm not generally a patient person. I can admit that. And when I have to commute four hours a day my already limited patience is more than tested. Yes. Driving is probably the worst. The "Be kind" t-shirt held me accountable for one day at least. I felt the need to live up to the message. I couldn't very well be yelling obscenities at other drivers and flipping the bird while wearing a shirt that said "Be kind," could I? What if they saw my shirt and called me on it? (Yes one of my rules is that if your shirt has a statement on it, it should be one that you live by! Otherwise you're just living a lie. That's bad fashion and bad karma!) If I was being honest I should usually be wearing a shirt sporting Grumpy Cat or Happy Bunny. But for now it was "Be Kind" day. So I made an effort to be nice, to be patient, to let things go. I managed to catch myself before launching into my angry driver tirades...
Somehow the car is the most difficult place to be kind. Even a priest admitted in his homily once that he starts to lose a little patience when he gets behind the wheel. He joked that we sit in church talking about loving one another then we go out to the parking lot and it's every man for himself. (In fairness it is notoriously difficult getting out of a crowded church parking lot after mass!) We all get frustrated to some degree. There's something about driving that changes us. It's primal. It's like a survival mechanism. You enter this moving metal compartment and navigate your way through all the other people in all the other vehicles and you become territorial. You become hyper-sensitive to threats. You become unkind. For me, I get angry with anyone who is doing the wrong thing -- going too fast or too slow, not looking, not signaling, not moving right to let faster traffic pass, etc. And sadly bad drivers seem to be the RULE rather than the exception. It's gotten to the point where I'm shocked and pleasantly surprised when someone actually does the RIGHT thing! In those rare moments I do express gratitude and wish them well. (I always give a thank you wave if they let me in. Sometimes I even blow a kiss!) But everyone else is just a jerk. 
These days it seems that just about everyone is in a hurry/distracted/in their own world/discourteous etc. When I'm solo in my car I'll drop the F bombs, call them a brain dead d*%khead, give them the finger etc. Sometimes I'm subtle and just give them the finger by pushing up my glasses or scratching my face with my middle finger. When they nearly kill me however I have been known to honk, roll down the window and let the expletives fly asking whether they're F-ing stupid or insane? Or both. Of course when Michelle is in the car I censor myself. I don't use profanities but I'm still not very nice when someone makes a bonehead move. "Are you waiting for a particular SHADE of green, MORON?" when someone doesn't proceed at a green light. "Signal your intentions, LOSER!" when someone is sitting there in the middle of an exit, blocking you from getting around them, giving no indication whether they're going left or right and they can't possibly go straight. "GEEZ! Watch what you're doing, IDIOT!" or "Nice move, PSYCHO!" when someone swerves into our lane nearly killing us. (Texting maybe?) Or "Do the math MORON! There's nowhere for you to go! It's like TETRIS dude!" when someone is driving aggressively trying to pass but there are no gaps and it's bumper to bumper and he's going to kill someone revving the gas and slamming on the brakes changing lanes for nothing. Don't get me wrong. I look for gaps and I take them when they're there. I can weave and pass like nobody's business when it's possible. But when it isn't possible I have the sense to stay in my own congested lane rather than swapping it out for another equally congested lane. Sometimes there's just nowhere for you to go. The world is overcrowded and most of them are on the highway when you need to go somewhere... Or in line when you need to buy something. Or ahead of you wherever you happen to be. That's just Murphy's Law.
So, with Michelle in the backseat and my "kind" shirt on I set off to Grandma's house an hour away and hoped for the best. It was tough. Every time someone annoyed me I felt a twinge in my gut and had to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out in anger. Trying to restrain myself from saying something snarky to bad drivers proved even more painful than restraining myself from taking a photo when I see something cute. It's a knee jerk response. Very hard to override! But I made a conscious effort. It was a pretty silent drive. Nothing but the radio. "Kill them with kindness" came on the radio and I thought "If only!" I remembered the saying "If you can't say something nice, say nothing." Of course if I lived by that I would never speak when I drove! But when I'm alone in the car and driving long distances, blowing off steam by expressing my exasperation keeps my head from exploding.
When you're dealing with stress I think you have to vent. To someone else (if they're willing to listen!) and to yourself (when you're alone in the car.) Saying nothing was a struggle but after a while it became easier. The knot in my stomach loosened. I did roll my eyes a little but aside from that I refrained from reacting to all the annoying things that everyone around me did wrong. Cutting me off, driving too slow, failing to signal, crossing the line, etc. Eventually I was a pro at it. Deep cleansing breaths. LET IT GO. Why did I have to let it affect me anyway? Who cares? What difference does it make? So I'm delayed a few minutes? So what? Chillax dude! Then something amazing happened. The less I worried about people doing things wrong, the more people started DOING THINGS RIGHT! It was like magic! People were letting me in when I needed to merge. People were moving right to let me pass. People were staying in their own lanes. Lights turned green just as I got there. I suddenly realized that by being kind I was giving out a positive energy, going with the flow and as a result THE UNIVERSE WAS MORE KIND TO ME! Now, on some level, I knew this already. And as a Christian (albeit a not very good one!) I should be living by this: "What would Jesus do?" I love Jesus. The problem is that he sets the bar pretty high. I have a hard time "Loving my enemies" and "turning the other cheek." It's in my nature to defend myself when attacked. Of course even if you're not a Christian, the fact is that it just makes more sense to be kind. When you go with the flow of the universe, things go your way. Resistance is futile. What you resist persists. By complaining/resisting what is, you actually help to perpetuate it. You feed its negative energy. It's a vicious circle.
Being positive is the better, healthier way to be. It benefits everyone, yourself most of all. What you put out, you attract. Negative draws negative. All of my complaining just attracted more things to complain about. Now my new (albeit forced and Be Kind t-shirt-mandated) positive energy was drawing positive results. It was beautiful. Of course I wish I could always be that way! How much more calm, at peace and happy I would be if I could just relax, breathe, be positive and attract positive energy! Unfortunately the reality is that when I'm sleep deprived, running on empty and commuting four hours a day, my patience is non-existent. Survival mode kicks in. It's fight or flight. I'm irritable AF! If I'm PMS-ing on top of it (which is every 3 weeks, lucky me!) it's even worse! If I was well-rested and having a great day it would be a lot easier to be nice. I could be Mother Teresa! (Well not quite.) When I'm barely surviving however, running on less than empty, everything feels like a threat and I will fight back. Everyone who cuts me off, who drives too slow, who tailgates etc is just adding to the stress and I take it personally. When I'm heading home to bed after a 16 hour day anyone who keeps me from my bed for one extra minute is my mortal enemy! Of course they have no idea that I'm working a 16 hour day on no sleep. They don't know (or care) how long/difficult/stressful/crazy/impossible my day is. They have their own issues/stories/struggles which are possibly worse than mine. You think you have it bad but you never know what kind of day/life the other person may be having. They may have it far worse. Even if they're in a really expensive car. This is why we should be kind and cut people slack -- because we are all human. We're all in this together and have to get along somehow. But sometimes it's easier said than done. Some people just walk around angry all the time, at life, at each other. It's an awful way to live and it hurts the hater most of all.
Of course being kind doesn't just mean to other people. It is just as important to be kind to ourselves. We need to cut ourselves a little slack. We can be very hard on ourselves. Self-critical, beating ourselves up, stressing ourselves out with "shoulds," often trying to be and do everything (women are especially guilty of this I believe! At the risk of generalizing, I would say men usually have an easier time cutting themselves slack and not trying to do too much!) I tend to be pretty self critical. I'm not always very kind to myself. A lot of us also (men and women) don't take care of ourselves. We need to eat healthy foods, get enough rest, exercise etc (and not poison ourselves with toxic substances) or we're going to feel like crap. Feeling terrible on the outside makes you feel bad inside as well. Again, it's easier said than done! I'm thankful that at least I don't smoke/drink/do drugs but I still have my own, less severe, addictions -- sugar, caffeine. Insomnia is an ongoing problem for me especially because I work shiftwork and am constantly changing from days to nights. It's hard to flip from one schedule to its opposite. And sometimes (on nightshifts when Michelle is in school) I only have a 3 hour window to grab sleep as it is. It's simply not enough to function. Sometimes even when I'm tired I just lay there and can't sleep because my mind is too active and doesn't come with an off button. I worry, make endless to do lists, etc. Even when I'm so tired I could collapse I still lay there and lay there, staring at the clock. Sometimes I finally get up and read/watch TV/go on Twitter. That usually doesn't help to relax me either!
Michelle does better than I do with being kind. Then again she doesn't have stress to deal with. Her life is basically endless joy. Still, I'm glad she is such a sweet and caring person. She said something recently that blew me away. We were sitting on my Mom's porch eating ice cream (we usually sit on the swing in the backyard but it was raining so we chose the enclosed porch instead.) Michelle was smiling and waving at everyone who passed by walking their dogs. Most of them smiled and waved back. Michelle declared: "Mama, I'm nice to everyone because I want to go to Heaven." "That's wonderful sweetheart," I said, knowing that I don't quite live up to that most of the time. "I'm even nice to the people that are mean to me." (Kids at school that are mean with her.) "That's amazing, baby." Just then a pleasant looking guy walked by with a massive grey dog (possibly a wolfhound?) and Michelle enthusiastically waved and smiled again. He smiled ear to ear and waved back. "You just have to be careful sweetheart," I warned her. "You really shouldn't be too friendly with strangers. When it's someone you don't know you should avoid them because they could be bad." "But Mama," she reasoned, "If I'm still nice to them, maybe they could change?" I got a tear in my eye. It was so sweet, my little angel, wanting to believe the best in people, but I felt I had to warn her.
So, be kind to others as much as you can. Something to aspire to. But also be kind to yourself and don't endanger yourself. You have to set boundaries. I am glad that Michelle is kind-hearted and loves people but I also want to protect her, to teach her that you can't be completely open-hearted and trusting, that in the interest of self-preservation you have to be at least somewhat cautious and you have to stand up for yourself (and others) if someone is unkind.If only everyone could be kind. We could live in peace and harmony and love each other, recognizing we are all part of the same (very large and dysfunctional!) family -- humanKIND. What a beautiful world it would be...But as they say "BE the change you want to see in the world." So I could start by not yelling/swearing at other drivers. To be more forgiving, patient, courteous. Even when I'm not wearing my "Be kind" shirt...
