The massage was great. It was very relaxing, although it too made me cry. The RMT was very understanding and had Kleenex on hand. He said it's natural. You hold tension in your body, physically, and loosening it can be emotional. I also wound up giving him the edited version of my life story when he asked for details about my stress. He was very nice and confided in me about his life struggles as well. It seemed that he too had been involved in a toxic relationship where he tried to rescue someone who was broken. I guess it's part of being a healer. You take the weight of the world on your shoulders.
When your mind is always full and you're spinning it's hard to shut down. You can't sleep because you can't stop thinking. You stress. I've never been able to meditate and clear my mind. It takes a lot of practice to be able to do that. Writing helps me to get rid of some of that mental clutter anyway. It's a form of therapy. I had all this stress, anger and anxiety and needed to vent. Eminem's epic freestyle anti-Trump rant "The Storm" inspired me to try to write my first rap. Rap seemed the perfect genre to vent all that I was feeling. I'd written hundreds of songs (about 1000 now actually!) but never attempted a rap aside from a small rap section in "Scared" which I got a real rapper to perform for my CD "Magnetic." Rhymes and phrases started coming to me as I was driving etc. When I actually put pen to paper, the words came flooding out. I wanted to include the lyrics on Youtube but it wouldn't let me since it was so long (hand-written on lined paper it was 4 pages long!) I'll include them here. It took a while for me to memorize the song and be able to get through it without messing up. I finally managed to record it. I'm not a rapper. Hopefully it's not too embarassing! Go easy on me! (Until/unless you have written and performed your own rap, don't judge me! LOL) This is my first attempt at rapping. It is VERY VERY hard to remember all those words and try to get through them in time with the beat. I wore a skeleton shirt & gloves as a kind of Grim Reaper. I found a "Doomsday" backdrop at a Halloween store and used it for the background. It seemed appropriate for a song about "carrying the weight of a dying world." I found the perfect backing music -- "Aggressive Choir Rap Beat/Instrumental by Sero Produktion." The song is pretty bleak but then 2017 has been an apocalyptic year. I tried to end the song on a positive note at least...Here are the lyrics:
Soundtrack to my breakdown – rap lyrics by Ann Marie Pincivero
Copyright October 2017
Can't carry the weight of a dying world...
Can't carry the weight of a dying world...
Holla from my amygdala – anger/fear fight or flight.
The tension’s relentless – it never lets me sleep at night.
Deep pressed, sinking, thinking, stressed out.
Wanna shout from the rooftops.
Can’t heal what I feel, the nightmares are real and they don’t stop!
I feel buried. It’s scary. Can’t carry the weight of a dying world.
Headstone leave me alone – let me live with my little girl.
I’m fretting, I’m sweating, I’m letting this shit get to me.
Chorus: The catastrophic state of society causes anxiety
Everyone’s scrambling, rambling, ambulance sirens are wailing.
He won’t go back to jail, if life is a test we’re failing.
I’m sick of being a sentinel to ODs on fentanyl –
Lost girls and boys like misfit toys addicted to poisons.
But booze & drugs can’t fill the void. Easy to be paranoid.
Who can you really trust in the wind when you’re made of dust?
I’m tired of the blindness of tyrants. Sick of the violence in silence.
Sick of bad guys winning while nice girls finish last.
Glass ceiling intact, at least the casting couch is getting flack…
Chorus: The catastrophic state of society causes anxiety
Too many assaults & domestics, coward bully abusers,
Cheaters, liars and users, predators with excuses.
I’m sick of fights and suicides, hurricanes and rising tides.
Destroying the planet and each other. Earth is one angry Mother --
She’s fighting back with a vengeance.
We need some repentance.
We turned the world toxic,
So dark and chaotic.
We turned the world toxic,
So dark and chaotic.
Can we end the confusion, pollution?
Solution: revolution!
Kick the monsters off their thrones -- the nuclear Narcissists,
Flirting with annihilation, need to leave this situation!
Their mistakes are prodigious – don’t need walls, we need bridges.
Don’t need nukes, need to fix this or we’re all in deep shit!
The road where we’re heading leads straight to Armaggedon…
Mental health is exploding, while the planet’s imploding
And the demons unloading bullets from rooftops like raindrops it’s got to stop!
These are preventable tragedies – stop selling weapons of terror please!
Stop the malice, the madness, the sadness, the badness.
Is there still goodness? Let’s find it! Put the evil behind us.
We need more heroes, less villains. More support for the victims.
More truth & more vision, more God, less religion.
The world’s gone to hell. We’re on fire, save ourselves.
The fires, the floods, the pain and the blood.
Asteroid’s grazing us. Everyone’s crazy now.
I don’t want to be in the front seat for the Apocalypse!
Insomniac, panic attack, gonna crack, I can’t do this!
It’s excessive, oppressive, no rest, it’s more than I can take.
I’m not OK, no way. I’m having a breakdown!
It figures these triggers are bigger than me, they’re digging me an early grave.
I’m a slave, not brave. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep.
Can’t relax when the free world is run by a Nazi.
Doomed to repeating history, spreading hatred & misery.
There’s no place for racism in 2017 – all lives matter – black or white.
Do what’s right! I still share Martin’s dream…
Chorus: The catastrophic state of society causes anxiety
When we’re hopeless and helpless and breathless and desperate,
Inundated, frustrated with the mess we’ve created --
Let’s escape from this illness, find peace and love in the stillness.
I’m done – Imma stay away – I’m doing yoga now – Namaste.
I’m so tired of seething. I’m focusing on my breathing.
In the chaotic cacophony I’ll find calmness inside of me.
My hope is my little girl. I pray for a better world.
by Ann Marie Pincivero Copyright October 2017
Here is the video:
It's far from perfect but I was pleased with myself that I got through the whole song without forgetting anything or messing up too royally. I recorded it while Michelle was at school. I have profound respect for rap artists now having attempted it myself! It's SO HARD! It takes years of practice to get really good -- to develop your voice and be able to rap quickly. I didn't want to put on a phony rap voice, so it's just my voice with a bit of anger/attitude behind it. I did my best. I didn't have the luxury of doing 100 takes so I kind of had to settle. If nothing else it was extremely therapeutic to vent all of these thoughts, feelings and anxieties. Now I feel like I can try to be free of it. A friend suggested I just don't read/watch the news or pay attention to Twitter trends because it will drive you crazy if you focus on everything that's wrong in the world lately. I have enough stress at work without reading about the horrors in the news -- terrorist attacks, shootings etc.
And lately it seems almost everyone in Hollywood is a sexual predator! WTF?! Names I never would have expected including a few of my favourite actors -- Kevin Spacey?! Dustin HOFFMAN?! What the? It's disillusioning to say the least. Who can you trust? As sickening as it is to hear these stories I guess the one positive thing to come out of all this is that at least victims of abuse are FINALLY speaking out and breaking the silence about sexual harassment/assault. Pandora's Box has been opened and it's all coming out. Long overdue. I even mention this in my song - "At least the casting couch is getting flack!" It was NEVER OK but somehow a lot of men (especially powerful ones -- celebrities etc) got away with it until now.
The fact that even the PRESIDENT is a sexual predator who bragged about molesting women is pretty disheartening. It sends a terrible message to society: "Well if it's OK for the leader of the Free World to do it..." Way to set an example! Standards should be high for a President but with 45 it seems they were abysmally low. Somehow he was voted in despite sexual assault allegations, defrauding thousands of students with a bogus university, being a con man only out for profit, a pathological liar caught in too many untruths to mention, a White Supremacist/racist/xenophobe etc. It's a miracle that he got elected and still hasn't been impeached. Hopefully Robert Mueller will take him to task for his obvious collusion with Russia at least. Many in the Trump administration have already been indicted. We have to hope they're just the appetizer and Trump is the main course! His impeachment (imprisonment?) or resignation can't be too far off. Although there are still a few die-hard (hopelessly clueless/delusional/racist or God knows what?) Trump supporters out there thankfully most of them are awake by now and see him for what he is. His approval rating is 33% -- the lowest of ANY president. EVER. I heard that a rogue Twitter employee deleted Trump's account for 11 minutes! An epic stunt! I wish I knew who it was. They are officially my new hero! I'd like to take them for a covfefe!
I was trying to do everything I could to relax. (Doctor's orders!) I had to find my happy place. You can focus on the ugliness of the world (the pain, anger and fear, the horrors in the news) or choose to focus on the beauty (peace, love, joy, Nature). When the world has gone to Hell, retreat to Paradise! Beauty soothes the soul. The Butterfly Conservatory was just what I needed. I managed to get a macro of this butterfly on a red hibiscus flower and it gives me life! The butterfly actually posed for me! Sometimes they don't open their wings on cue. Blue Morphos are notoriously difficult to photograph! This Red Lacewing was much more accommodating! Beauty is the best remedy for the ugliness in the world. It's not all gloom and doom. There are still flowers and butterflies! Even looking at this photo helps to slow down my breathing...
I also managed to talk Michelle into wearing pigtails which she wasn't a fan of. My sales pitch:
1) Nothing is more adorable than pigtails on a little girl.
2) It makes you look like a butterfly (think antennae).
3) Harley Quinn is cool and she had pigtails! (Michelle loved "Suicide Squad." She's been watching more grown up movies with me and loves them. I make sure it's nothing TOO SCARY/disturbing. It's a treat for me to watch grown up movies again after years of being relegated to kid's animated movies (not that I don't love them too!)
I explained to Michelle that it's just the luck of the draw. Sometimes they land on you and sometimes they don't. It's not something you can force or control. Like love, it just happens, or it doesn't. Then this Monarch happened and Michelle was happy. I was happy too for the photo op! And she even gave me a smile!
Then I got greedy and attempted to get in on the shot as well. These selfies are a little awkward, as you can see...
At least in this photo we're both smiling though you barely even see the butterfly on her finger. I should have had her hold it up in front of her.
My selfie game is not strong. With my Nikon (unlike with camera phones) you can't SEE what you're taking. You just hold the camera up in front of you and hope for the best. Sometimes it's over too far and I'm not even in the shot. And the photos are usually too close up and not terribly flattering.
I have been an avid amateur photographer for decades. Capturing the moment is something that I'm passionate and obsessive about. It's not a habit I could break if I wanted to! Thankfully these days the hobby has become far more accepted socially. Everyone has their camera phones and EVERYONE is snapping photos so at least they don't look at me like I have three heads. (Although some likely do smirk at my old fashioned camera. As I mentioned in the Summer I can't take pictures with the old i-phone 4. I just use it for calls/texts now. No more Instagram for me until/unless I upgrade the phone (aka someone gives me a more modern old one! LOL)
"Do you HAVE to take so many pictures, Mama?!"
"YES."
Sigh.
"But if you give me a perfect smile in the first shot I can stop there." My logic was irrefutable. Still, it didn't happen. There was still no smile in the subsequent shots either. Hey, if Mama can force a smile even with all that she's dealing with lately, then you can smile too, kid!
The photos are all about the smiles! No matter what's going on in your life, someone points a camera and "CHEESE!" It's just what you do.
I could have stayed there all day. Michelle started to run out of steam after a couple of hours of circling and circling the Butterfly Conservatory.
"Can we go to the gift shop Mama?"
"Of course."
I always wind up getting her a little something (usually an over-priced trinket/souvenir. I'm a softie for things like that. I remember being a kid and asking Mom for things and the answer was always "No." So I try to come from a place of "Yes.")
"Can we get one more shot of us, honey?"
Michelle, sighing "OK..."
I managed to set the timer and get a shot of us without strangers photo-bombing us (because somehow it's ALWAYS crowded no matter when you go. The worst is when there's a school field trip going around. Then you have to navigate through throngs of youths and worry about them hurting the butterflies.)
"You're brave, sweetheart," I said from a safe distance. When the woman asked if I wanted to touch the multi-legged thing sinister star of my nightmares I wanted to say "OH HELL NO! Are you NUTS?!" but opted for the more civil "Umm. No thanks. I'm good."
A passerby saw my horrified expression and laughed. Well we all have our phobias. Some people even have an irrational fear of puppets or pickles. In my defense, at least my phobias make sense: I'm afraid of incredibly creepy/ugly insects. Also needles/pain/blood. Totally rational. I have no issues with pretty insects obviously, which is why we were at the Butterfly Conservatory!
I always loved Halloween and now I get to enjoy it with Michelle it's even better.
She wanted to cozy up to this surprisngly friendly looking though enormous Grim Reaper so I said "Go ahead! As long as I can get a picture of you with him!" It's win-win. I love the little "Fright this way" sign. Part of me was almost tempted to get an inflatable for our place but I thought better of it. I'll just settle for snapping photos with other peoples' when we see them in our travels.
Posing in silly masks. It just NEVER gets old. Yes I'm immature. When the world is such a mess you have to find a way to laugh. This helps!Michelle opted for the creepy killer clown with a crazed look in his eye. I chose the Grumpy Cat instead. I actually should have purchased the Grumpy Cat mask and worn it in my daily life. Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal!
I told her to think about what she was most grateful for. I expected her to put family, friends, etc. At least she put Mama and hugs but then toys and TV made up the other two fingers/tail feathers! Oh well. At least she was honest. It was cute anyway. Michelle even knew to draw the little red floppy thing on the turkey's neck. (I wasn't sure what it was called. Apparently it's called a "wattle!" and the red protruding thing on their beaks is called a "snood.")
This sums up Michelle's approach to life: just dive in head first, laughing all the way. Of course it's easier when she knows I'm there to catch her. It was tricky while holding the camera but I couldn't miss this shot! I was afraid she'd go catapulting off the slide onto the wood chips but I always caught her.Someone said that the best thing you can do for your child is to give them roots and wings: Roots so that they feel safe and grounded. They know they have a home to go to, someone to love and take are of them. Wings so that they feel free, independent and have the courage to go after their dreams. It can be tough to balance -- wanting to keep them safe, giving them room to grow and try -- especially when you're a control freak. I try to give Michelle both. I do tend to be on the cautious side but I try not to say no to things. I want my brave girl to have fun and not be limited/sheltered.
Watching Michelle play helped me to de-stress somewhat. I wished I could feel as carefree as she does. Even as a child I don't know that I was ever carefree. There was always something to worry about. I was shy. I wasn't very social. I was the victim of bullying. Somehow the bullies could sense my fear, my passivity and would attack. Maybe if I fought back they'd back off. But I didn't. I'm so glad that Michelle is confident, outgoing and social, makes friends easily. She will have a much easier time than I did.
Her friend apparently didn't believe that Michelle didn't have a dad.
"You must have a daddy. EVERYONE has a daddy."
Michelle explained that yes she had a daddy at some point but that he's not around. It is painful when she asks me but she's very matter-of-fact, accepting about it. Recently she asked what her dad's name was. Mike I tell her. "Like Uncle Mikey?" she asked.
"Yes. Mike short for Michael." though he was nothing like my brother Mike who is a loving devoted father to his kids. I tell her the narrative that I've built around the situation (because the reality is that he left without a word so I don't have answers:) "Your dad had a lot of problems. He knew that we would be better off without him so he left before you were born." I want to believe that's why. That it was out of love for us that he let us go. Not that he was just a useless, chicken shit cruel coward who didn't want the responsibility of a relationship/family. I never did get my explanation/apology/goodbye so I guess I'll never know for sure...
I always said that if I won the lottery I would want to live on a beach somewhere. I can imagine having a little beach house. Having the sand and the sea as my backyard. Lying in a hammock under the palm trees -- that's my dream! Of course with all the catastrophic tropical storms we've had this year, living in a tropical location probably isn't the best idea. Climate change is a reality that we can't ignore. There have been effects around the globe. We have to both adapt to it and work to correct the damage we've done to the planet. As I mentioned in my song "Destroying the planet and each other. Earth is one angry Mother! She's fighting back with a vengeance. We need to get some repentance!" Of course as individuals we can do our part to reduce our carbon footprint, recycle etc. But it is government and big business that need to take responsibility and implement changes that will protect our environment moving forward. The fact that an imbecile who said "Climate change is a hoax!" is the leader of the Free World, is NOT encouraging. Trump wanted to bring back COAL. I literally can't even. He slashed funding to the EPA. Trump is an old man who is clearly NOT worried about the planet. He's even been taunting Kim Jong Un with nuclear war. Trump only cares about HIMSELF. His own ego and lining his own pockets. He'll destroy the world if we let him. Again, hopefully Mueller will get him out of office, if not imprisoned for treason SOON!
I told Michelle to throw the popcorn/crackers a little further away so I wouldn't be swarmed. This shot was pretty cool though with a massive seagull and tiny Michelle in the background. It almost looks like they're HER wings and tail. (Give them roots and wings...)
"Ain't nobody on the road. Ain't nobody on the beach.
You feel it in the air. The Summer's out of reach.
Empty lake, empty streets. The sun goes down alone.
I'm driving by your house. Don't know you're not home.
I can see you. Your brown skin shining in the sun.
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on baby. I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone." Don Henley
Having a last taste of Summer (it still wouldn't be our last but I didn't know that at the time!) in the Fall was bittersweet.
After a lot of crying, some distractions and relaxation exercises, gradually I did start to feel better. The stress doesn't go away but I become more resilient/able to manage it. And I mostly just try to take things one day at a time.
One day on the phone with her she told me that she was going to host Thanksgiving this year on Monday. They were celebrating with Shane's family on the weekend. I was so glad to have something to look forward to. I wasn't sure if we were going to get together for Thanksgiving this year. I wasn't going to do anything. I certainly wasn't up to making turkey and everything. So we wouldn't have done anything special. I was grateful to May for inviting us over. When the world has gone to Hell, spending time with those you love is more important than ever. Michelle was excited to be going to Auntie May's too. It's her favourite place in the world. We both dressed up for the occasion. The weather was still beautiful. Michelle always loves to dress up.
I am so thankful for my family and especially for my girl. When I'm having a rough time and everything seems bleak I have to remember that love is the most important thing. I am so grateful to have the sweetest little girl in the world (even though she drives me crazy sometimes!) and so happy to have a close, loving family. I have to focus on the good things. Focusing on the negative (and there has been A LOT of negative in the world, especially recently) just makes you feel hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed. You can't control the world around you. I have to work on ways to stay calm even when within stressful situations (bad traffic/a tough shift at work etc.) And I can't dwell on things when I'm out of the situation.
I love how these filters always give you big doe eyes as well. Shannon's eyes look amazing here but she always looks like a living doll. Shannon should be a model!
We also couldn't resist trying on reindeer and cat ears as well, which are always cute.
Yes a visit to May's is good for the soul. The turkey dinner was delicious too. It was all just what the doctor ordered! Cure for a nervous breakdown: spending time with family. They are my Happy Place!
She also drew some monsters and pumpkins. I love that she gave the monsters names -- Karen, Olivia and "Bill" (who looks a lot like Frankenstein's monster but is just plain old Bill!) She also drew a design for the pumpkins we were going to carve. The triangles from the eyes of one would be the ears for the cat pumpkin. "Great planning baby!" I said. We wouldn't end up carving the pumpkins but I'll get to that later...
"He probably wants our ice cream!" I suggested.
The father smiled. For a second I thought maybe he was a single dad. Nope. His wife joined him with the stroller.
Sigh. No. It's never a single dad. I'm sure single dads must exist. I just never see them. Anywhere we go. It's all couples. Just couples. And me. But who needs a relationship anyway when you have chocolate? Chocolate actually produces the same endorphins in your brain as falling in love. With none of the heartache!
I LOVE Michelle's smile here! She looks so happy. I on the other hand look like a total moron. May isn't in it but she said that's OK she didn't want to be in it anyway. I see people taking selfies all the time but it's different with phone cameras where you can actually SEE what you're taking and squeeze in accordingly. It's a crap shoot with my Nikon.
We were grateful it was a beautiful warm day. We didn't need our jackets. It was an overcast day and we were afraid it might rain but we got lucky for a couple of hours as we explored the farm.
My motto is you really CAN'T take too many photos! Life is too fleeting. Photos are our only way of holding on. I especially like to hold on to the happy memories because they help me to get through the bad days.
We always take the hay ride to the corn maze. The maze itself takes about 10 minutes to get through. It's fun. Unfortunately this time it was a little tricky to get through since the ground was wet and muddy from the rain so we had to be careful we didn't slip and fall! I warned Michelle not to run because we were slipping and sliding even trying to walk through the maze. Normally Michelle and Reggie would be running through.
I've often wondered what would happen if someone was too slow leaving the maze would the hay ride leave without them? Would they be stranded there? (Actually the driver usually asks if there was anyone still left in the maze before driving off but I don't think they actually do a head count.)
If worse came to worst we could always take refuge in the shop (which is what ended up happening later.) They have a cool store with a lot of cute books, toys, treats, knick knacks etc. We had some lunch before leaving. Unfortunately we had to walk in the TEEMING rain to get to the car and I'd left my jacket in the car.
I'm always surprised that Reggie has no interest in a pony ride. I mean HOW do you say no to a pony?! I would go on a pony ride if they'd let me! LOL Michelle is always excited to have a pony ride and I'm even more excited to get photos of the experience! I think maybe Reggie is a little more wary of animals. He's not a big fan of dogs either. Michelle loves all animals and is pretty fearless.
I love getting together with May and the gang. It's always so much fun. Michelle always has a ball too. My Mom doesn't join us because although she might like shopping in the gift shop she'd pretty much dislike every other aspect of the experience -- walking outside in the mud etc, standing around watching the kids playing in the hay etc. She's not really big on the outdoors.
It took a while to get this because there was a little kid hanging around the bear who didn't seem to get the hint with me setting up a camera and all of us congregating around the bear and was even a little slow when I flat out asked them if they could please move so we could get a photo without them in it? I don't know where their parents were.
In fairness, if I was a kid I probably wouldn't want to leave the giant bear either.
Michelle also brought her new bat and spider stuffies from the farm. They were so cute. How could I say no?! I love Halloween as much as Michelle does. Everything about it.
Reggie was a skeleton guy too. I can't remember if it was a specific character from a show or game or something or just a generic skeleton guy. But you really can't go wrong with a skeleton! Michelle explained to me one day while we were driving that skeletons aren't scary because we all have one underneath our skin! A bit of a morbid thought but a clever realization for a 5 year old so I said "Yes! You're right." She also said that she wasn't afraid to die because she'll get to go to Heaven. I told her that won't be until she's very very old. I really try not to contemplate mortality -- not mine or anyone I love! Michelle speaks very nonchalantly about death but then she's never had to deal with it. Aside from the frog on our driveway but she didn't know him.
I didn't do Michelle's full makeup. I just put a touch of eye shadow on her. She likes wearing makeup but at the same time she complains about her eyes getting itchy and isn't a fan of washing it off afterward so I thought we better not get too carried away when it's not even Halloween yet.
"But Mama I'm a NICE vampire. I don't drink blood."
I told her that there really are no such things as vampires except vampire bats.
"And they drink blood?"
"Yes. But mostly just from animals."
"For REAL LIFE?!"
"Yes!"
"Cool."
Michelle uses the term "for real life" when it's not just pretend/a joke/a TV show etc.
And of course I even got a selfie of us on the bus. She was so excited to have Mama with her for the day. There weren't as many volunteers this time so I was responsible for a group of kids instead of just 2. That was a little more stressful but I was hoping for the best.
Michelle looks so happy and so excited here! I love it. I wanted to tell her to tone it down a little so the other kids wouldn't be jealous/upset that they didn't have their Moms with them. I was glad it was on one of my days off so I was able to go with her. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love going on adventures with Michelle and taking photos that I can keep forever. We were blessed with another beautiful October day and didn't need our jackets.
She had fun running around the hay obstacle course.
"So I'm stronger now Mama?"
"Yes baby. And you were already pretty strong."
She had been so brave when she got her needles at the doctor. She didn't cry. Didn't even say "Ow." But that was different. She was prepared for the needles. The sting came as a shock. I'll never forget her sudden scream and cry. It was awful. I never want to hear that again. I can't protect her from everything of course. But I want to try! It makes me angry that I couldn't protect her from that friggin hornet or whatever it was.
It was tricky to stop for each character to snap pictures and still try to keep up with the rest of the class walking through the maze.
There was one character with a beard that no one seemed able to identify. Someone suggested it was Jesus but that didn't really seem to fit the animated movie character theme (unless there is an animated film with a Jesus. There's an animated Christmas movie coming out this year called "The Star" which looks really cute but that's baby Jesus not adult bearded Jesus...)
We were lagging behind the rest of the class and had to hurry before we lost them. Too bad. I can not just blithely pass by a photo op! If anyone said anything to me I would have protested that one of the main reasons I offer to volunteer is so that I can be there to take photos so PLEASE LET ME HAVE THIS! But no one complained. Not directly to my face anyway...
Michelle was wounded and she still managed to bounce back and have fun. I'm glad that Michelle is a happy, enthusiastic, outgoing girl. She had a BALL running around the corn pit. Which was basically a huge vat of dried corn which kids could play in like sand or snow. Michelle even made "corn angels" (is that a thing?!) I warned her to be careful of her hand. She wound up losing her band-aid in the corn but her sting looked like it was healing anyway.
So adorable! I like when she does hands a circle for the hand and then sausage fingers rather than the pitchfork type arms and hands that she still sometimes reverts to. In fairness I can't really criticize since even as an artist myself I always HATED doing hands! I usually just try to avoid it by doing facial portraits or just doing down to the arms without hands. I'm not a fan of ears either so the hair is usually conveniently covering them too!
Michelle loves to draw and will put a lot of effort into her pictures when it's HER idea however if you ask her to draw something she usually just gives it a quick half-a$$ed effort. I told her that her teachers will never see her full potential if she just throws things together to get by. I told her to always try to do her best even if it's something she doesn't necessarily want to do.
It was pretty cool having the beach all to ourselves. I remembered in the middle of Summer when it was hard to find a spot on the sand amidst the sea of people, fighting for a spot in the parking lot (and paying $20 to park there!) Now here we were with a whole beach of our own. That was always my dream -- to have a beach in my backyard. Maybe one day...
Michelle asked if we could eat at the restaurant. We don't go out to eat very often and I thought why not? I could go for some fish and chips as a final farewell dinner at the beach! Now that Michelle is older and much more well-behaved I don't have to worry about her carrying on/embarrassing me.
Michelle was excited that the restaurant had a colouring/activity page for kids. I told her that restaurants usually have something to entertain kids so they don't get bored while waiting for their food.I ordered fish and chips (which was delicious!) and Michelle got a hot dog and fries. It was nice to share a farewell to Summer (the Sequel!) dinner with my girl.
Although I'm not a fan of Fall I have to admit that the changing leaves are beautiful. The tiger eye sumac in my Mom's yard had turned gorgeous fiery shades of yellow, orange and red. So Michelle and I posed with it. It isn't long before the leaves fall and then the trees are just bleak and barren. Fall and Winter always fall hard for me. I find the cold, grey days without sunlight very heavy. Many suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and feel this heaviness/depression in the Fall and Winter. This year at least I have the SAD light my sister gave me. As well as relaxation techniques for dealing with stress.
May is the best sister and friend! She got me a pair of the zombie leggings like Shannon's and thought I might want them for Halloween (I did end up wearing them.) Michelle was thrilled to have a visit with Reggie even though we couldn't stay long (I had to go in to work night shift.) I was happy to have a little visit as well. May always makes me laugh. And lately I need that more than ever.
Michelle was getting excited for Halloween. She wanted to help me decorate so I dug out the decorations and she helped me to put them up.
I always put up cobwebs (even though they're kind of a nuisance and tend to stick where you don't want them rather than where you do.) We also had some decorations that Michelle made -- cut outs of ghosts, skeletons, vampires etc with stickers. For some reason she was hugging this spider. She wasn't scared of Arachnophobia and actually seemed to like spiders even more -- asking for a stuffed one, playing with this decorative one and wearing a spider ring.
I had some hanging ghouls and of course our pumpkins. I was relieved that Michelle didn't want to carve them (so I was off the hook!) She just drew the faces on. A neighbour had carved their pumpkins too early and they were rotting so Michelle decided she didn't want us to carve ours so they wouldn't rot. I usually put a dummy/scarecrow skeleton guy sitting on the porch as well (just a coat stuffed with pillows and a plastic skull head) but I wait until Halloween day for that.
"What's a pimp?"
Then I was sorry I brought it up. But we did find her a witch's hat. But she's still being a vampire for Halloween. She just likes to play dress up/role play all the time.
Michelle tends to draw herself with yellow hair most of the time now. She says that her hair is "gold" (which is as accurate a description as any!) She objects to the term "redhead" since your hair isn't actually red. Some people call it strawberry blonde. I explained to her that it's just an easy way for people to differentiate between blondes, brunettes and redheads. Besides auburn hair is the most rare (only 2% of the population!) so she should be proud of her uniqueness. I'm a redhead too though over the years my hair has gotten more brown and less red. I was platinum blonde when I was born!
I love this cat! She did this entirely on her own with no instruction from me, just looking at one of her stuffed cats. I was amazed that she thought to sketch the fur that way to make the cat look fluffy. I've never taught her to do that. She's seen my drawings and paintings (I love to draw and paint but haven't really done any artwork in quite a while.)
I love that the cat is big and fluffy but then has these scrawny legs scrawled in as an after thought. Sometimes when I see her pictures I have to restrain myself from laughing out loud (because she's sensitive and it hurts her feelings.) They are adorable but usually funny too. I am glad that she is creative and imaginative. It runs in the family. I've always loved art and her cousin Shannon does too.
And then she wanted to sit with Ronald McDonald. Michelle is not afraid of clowns. Then again she hasn't seen "It" (nor will she, until she's 18 years old!)
"No honey wait for Halloween."
"PLEASE!"
"Michelle you're going to wreck it and then you won't even have it to wear on Halloween."
"PLEASE MAMA! I promise I'll be careful!"
And so she wore me down and I let her gallivant around in her long Vampire Princess gown. She wanted to put on purple lipstick too.
Michelle really should have been a Princess. She LOVES being in a long gown and parading around admiring herself in the mirror(s.)
I managed to compose myself long enough to tell Michelle that I loved her drawing of us as "blue jays" and then I laughed my head off once she was out of earshot. It's just too cute for words. She's the blonde baby blue jay and I'm the Mama with the ponytail. Why she thought that birds would have hair I'm not sure but it's awesome! I love the randomness, the whimsical, charming innocence of children's artwork. It's very hard to replicate as an adult. Sometimes Michelle expresses disappointment in herself "I can't draw as good as you can Mama." and I tell her that I love her pictures even better than mine. She is so imaginative. I love how she sees the world as this sweet, beautiful, magical place. I wish I could see it that way more often. Unfortunately I often see the bitter, ugly and disillusioning reality of the world we live in now. 2017 has been a rough year both on a personal level and in the world. But we have to focus on the good no matter what. There is always a bright side if you look for it.
At the indoor playground I sit and wait while Michelle runs amok and plays. This time I sat on a bench and had an attractive guy sit next to me. He had a couple of kids who ran back and forth to him. Just from his brief interactions with them I could tell that he was a sweet guy and a good dad. We exchanged pleasantries and chuckled together about the kids. For a second I got my hopes up. Maybe he's a single dad. I didn't see a ring on his finger...
Meanwhile Michelle is a social butterfly and makes friends literally EVERYWHERE WE GO! I am glad she is so confident and outgoing unlike her awkward and shy Mama. Life is a lot easier when you're a social person.
I almost got a sneaky shot of the cute dad (you know when you take a picture of your kid and just conveniently get a handsome dude in the shot as background) but wasn't able to do so inconspicuously. And then I found out he was married anyway. Sigh. I still sort of believe in destiny. If my Mr. Right is out there somewhere he's bound to bump into me somewhere right?
We settled for another trip to Spirit Halloween only this time instead of Michelle avoiding the big creepy animatronics etc she got up-close and personal with them. This MASSIVE rubber Grim Reaper was a bit unnerving but we just had to pose with him. Michelle even held his hand.
This green alien in a capsule was my personal favourite. It looked so real!
Michelle wasn't scared at all and realized that sometimes if you give things a chance it's not as bad as you expect. Now that she'd been in the alien section she didn't want to leave! She kept stepping on the button to make the alien sit up again and again!
We went to look around the rest of the store and then she wanted to go back to the aliens again.
We found a Grumpy Cat mask and again, like the bunny mascot, I really should have gotten it just for entertainment value -- even when it's NOT Halloween! I love Grumpy Cat. He is my spirit animal! Michelle also picked up a chainsaw and was wielding it in a maniacal manner which is strange for a 5 year old but then again her parents were both goths/horror movie lovers so she comes by it honestly. I will NOT be letting her watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre any time soon though! Not until she's 18!
Michelle asked if she could do my makeup. I agreed and when I looked in the mirror afterwards I saw that she had drawn butterflies on my face. She wanted me to go out like that. I said that no that wouldn't be happening but I would at least get a photo of her work. She loves wearing makeup and doing makeup. I told her she can do my makeup at home when we're not going anywhere. I'd rather not have purple butterflies on my cheeks and forehead if I can avoid it. 
The train meandered around the farm past some of the activities. When Michelle heard there was a Haunted House she was very excited. That's what she wanted to do next. I told her don't worry we will make sure to see everything while we're there -- all the things we didn't get to do with the class. I bought a package of tickets and hoped that they would last us for the day. They didn't -- I wound up having to go back and buy a few more when Michelle wanted to do other things and we ran out.
Michelle loved it and wanted to go through again. I told her we'd see. We did go through again. I decided it was worth the two tickets. We were going to try medium to big scares this time but then chickened out. Even the little scares made us jump and my nerves are pretty much shot as it is so I thought it's probably better not to freak us out more than necessary. I was just happy to get through a day without my eye twitching. Terrifying yourself doesn't seem like the best move when you already have anxiety issues.
After the pony ride she wanted to go to the corn pit. It just never gets old...
Next Michelle wanted to paint a pumpkin. It was pretty time consuming but she had fun and I snapped some pictures of her while she worked on her masterpiece. She decided she wanted her pumpkin to be two faced so it took even longer. Then we had to leave it on the table to dry while we walked around the farm (it was so cold and damp that it still wasn't dry even when we picked it up hours later.)
Michelle didn't seem like she wanted to leave it but I assured her that it would be fine and we'd pick it up later when it was dry. Or at least not quite as wet....
Next stop: photo ops!
I'm not sure why Michelle has her hands in the air or why she has one leg crossed over the other but it's cute anyway.
Next she wanted to go on a tractor ride.
Next stop the straw castle. This turned out to be disastrous. Michelle was having fun at first, running around and playing, making friends. Then all of a sudden a boy was jumping off of a hay bale and KICKED HER IN THE HEAD! Boot to the head. She cried. I was livid. The boy looked sheepish but hadn't even said sorry until I glared at him with looks to kill and then he finally said "Sorry." I wanted to kill him. This is a dangerous farm! On the class trip she gets stung by a bee in the apple orchard and now she gets kicked in the head in the castle. For f*%^'s sake! As a control freak it's particularly upsetting to me. I want to protect Michelle from ever getting hurt. But of course you can't protect them from everything. Life happens. Like Dory explains to Marlin in "Finding Nemo" you can't promise to never let anything happen to your child. Things have to happen to them. That's life. Being sheltered and never trying anything out of fear of being hurt isn't life. But dear Lord why do friggin bees and clumsy boys in boots have to hurt my little girl?!
Michelle was OK. She always bounces back. She had a bit of a red mark on her face but once she wiped the tears away and we went to get something to eat she cheered up and was fine.
She even wanted to go and get her face painted and you can't even see the mark on her face.
Aside from the kick in the head it was a pretty good day!
I love sharing adventures with Michelle. When I told my Mom about it she said "Why would you take her back there after getting stung by a bee?!" But this is how Mom lives her life -- in fear and avoidance. You can't live that way. The only way to avoid getting hurt is to just stay home. Even that doesn't work because I've heard that most accidents happen at home!
Before we left I wanted to get a parting shot of Michelle posing with the pumpkin scale because it was cute.
She wanted to get another pumpkin but I told her we already had enough pumpkins at home (and I'd gotten them 2 for $5 instead of paying $5-10 for one.) Plus I was afraid if we got another one she might want me to carve it. And I'd escaped the whole carving thing this long so I didn't want to jinx it! No orange squishy pumpkin guts this year! Woo hoo!
I love that Michelle named her skeleton characters -- Spike (Spik), Olivia (Olivea) and Corduroy (Cordroy -- this one seems really random but she had a Halloween book about a bear named Corduroy so this is where she got the name from.) I love the big round hands and little circle fingers. And I love that the girl skeleton has REALLY long hair down to the ground (the Rapunzel of skeletons!) Michelle's artwork is so cute and so funny I could look at it forever! I want to organize her drawings. Right now they're just in a messy pile in the guest room waiting to be labelled, filed and put in the box. Some other Moms outside the school were talking about their kids' artwork and saying they just throw a lot of it out. I keep almost everything of Michelle's but then I'm a sentimental fool!
Mama and Michelle as chicks. When we were blue jays we had hair but now as fuzzy little yellow chicks, we were bald! I'm not sure what the chicks had to do with Halloween. She comes up with her own ideas. She likes to do her own thing. She doesn't like being told what to do. So when I suggest "Why don't you draw..." she says no. Or sometimes she grudgingly does a drawing/card etc if I ask her to but then she slaps it together making a minimal effort. That's how she usually does the homework in her agenda. Every week she reads 10 books and does a book report with a write up and drawing. I worried that the teachers won't see her full potential because she does it so quickly just to get it over with instead of doing her best. Then again there are probably kids that don't do it at all. I mean it's kindergarten. You shouldn't have homework. I'm OCD though. The agenda has a place for it so I feel obligated to make Michelle do the work every week. Plus I love having her work and I get to keep the agenda at the end of the year to look at her progress.
The big day arrived: HALLOWEEN! Michelle dressed up in the Sponge Bob outfit that she twisted my arm to buy -- the t-shirt, skirt, jacket & even a boa. She LOVES Sponge Bob. It's her favourite show. I didn't bother doing makeup or anything. Mornings are pretty hectic as it is without doing that. Michelle explained to me that she was not Sponge Bob but rather Sponge Bob's girlfriend!
Usually it's tough getting Michelle out of bed in the morning but she was so excited about Halloween that she practically leaped out of bed to get dressed.
"And we can go trick or treating tonight?!" she asked, beaming.
"Yes sweetheart! Trick or treat tonight!"
Our hanging ghouls kept blowing away and Michelle wanted to keep them inside where they were safe so we hung a skeleton up there instead.
Michelle was SO excited to put on her costume and go trick or treating. I grabbed McDonalds so I wouldn't have to waste time making dinner and we got ready for the night.
Michelle loved her makeup: purple lips, eyeshadow and some bat stencils on her face. I put one on mine as well.
Michelle and I posing with a Minion inflatable we met in our travels! Had to be done!It was still light out. We got an early start because I wanted to be back in time to give treats to the kids. While we were out I just had a bowl left on the porch with a note "Help yourself. We'll be back soon." I thought we'd be the only ones out but there were other young kids as well.
Michelle was having a ball. I tried to explain to her yet again not to waste her time going to the houses with no decorations that were in darkness with no car in the driveway. We did the countdown " 1-2-3 we're OUTTA here!" after she'd ring the bell. I told her some people aren't home or don't celebrate Halloween. Party poopers!
Michelle came across one of her classmates/friends looking especially muscular as Captain America or something? (I'm not as well versed in boy's costumes/characters/comics etc). Of course I had to snap a photo of them together. His Mom got a photo too. I mean, how do you not?
I love Michelle's ear to ear grin here. She was so excited to run into some of her friends as we made our rounds.
The witch moved around creepily and made cackling noises. I was kind of wishing we had a cool animatronic character like that on our porch but I'd be afraid of something happening to it. For now I just make do with my makeshift ghoul. Its eyes used to light up but it didn't seem to be working when I tried the switch and I didn't have time to open it up & replace the batteries.
In our travels we also ran into a dog dressed as a police officer (Canine unit I guess!) and it was too cute for words! How could I NOT take a photo?! I got their permission anyway. Michelle loves dogs and was happy to pose with him (after I made sure it was OK with the owner.)
I was so glad the rain held out. Last year it was cold and rainy on Halloween and it was awful. This year it was just cold.
It was cute and all but after a while I was getting cold and tired and was pretty much over it. I would have been happy to head back home any time but Michelle wanted to keep going. I figured we might as well do the whole street. I carried Michelle's bag for her so she could concentrate on holding up her dress from scraping the ground. Princess problems.
My little girl is growing up. Seeing her in makeup especially is kind of a scary prelude to her as a teenager. (I can't really even think about that yet! It will be VERY SCARY!) It all goes so fast. I'll take a million pictures to try to slow it down but the years will still fly by. And one day she'll be too old for trick or treating. So I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts!
Back at home I didn't even get to give out treats to the kids. Michelle wouldn't let me! She wanted to do it herself. She was so excited and felt so grown up going to the door on her own and giving out the treats.Every time the bell rang she sprang to the door, "Yay! Another CUSTOMER!" It was so cute. I couldn't resist getting a couple of pictures of her going to the door. She was quite proud of herself playing the lady of the house and saying "Here you go" and "Happy Halloween" even to kids twice her size.
I meanwhile sorted through her Halloween candy to make sure there was nothing dangerous. My Mom was going on about candy laced with fentanyl or something. I know the odd time you hear about razor blades in the candy (like maybe one incident in 100 years) but I think most of it is fear mongering and urban legends. Still there is no way I'd let her have anything that looked iffy or wasn't sealed properly.
The Halloween haul! I organized her candy into categories. She gave me the things she didn't like (anything with peanuts -- mmmm Reese! Not because she's allergic. She just doesn't like it.) Then I told her she could have a few treats before heading up to her bath and bed. She picked a bag of chips and some chocolate. She's really pretty good about not eating too much junk food (unlike me. I gorged myself on some of the leftovers after the kids tapered off.) Michelle was disappointed when the kids stopped coming. She made me go outside and pretend to be a kid so she could give me candy.
"Trick or treat!"
"Again Mama!"
"OK but it's cold out here I want to come in!"
Michelle wanted to draw on my face and I decided to let her so she drew a big bat on my forehead. I really couldn't tell what she was doing until I looked in the mirror afterwards. Michelle LOVES doing makeup. So sometimes I act as her living mannequin and let her paint away. "Can you go out like that Mama?" she asks after she's made me look like some version of a nightmarish rodeo clown... "Ummm no." But when we're at home and no one's going to see it anyway, why not? Might as well enjoy Halloween for a few more minutes. I'd be having a shower soon to wash it off anyway.
All in all I was grateful for a wonderful Halloween with my girl. And I indulged in some chocolate too! Thank goodness Michelle's school wasn't selling chocolates this year so I didn't gain 5 lbs before Halloween even arrived!
Michelle loves to draw but as I mentioned before it has to be her own idea. I asked her to make a card for Grandma & Grandpa for their anniversary since they were going to be babysitting her that day while I worked dayshift.
"Do I HAVE TO?"
"Yes. It's nice when you make cards."
I gave her a template she just had to copy. She messed up the word Anniversary -- it turned out more like Annivesry but that's probably my fault for not writing it clearly for her to copy. I love her drawing of my Mom and Dad but I can tell she scribbled it quickly. At least she put lots and lots of kisses and hugs inside the card.
My Mom didn't even REMEMBER that it was their anniversary and they never do anything special. I told them I'd take them out to dinner when I got home from work.
Michelle and one of her many cute headbands. I love these pink cat ears! To me every day is Halloween! When you're a kid you might as well have fun and dress up/role play every day! Michelle loves it and it's a great photo op for me!I wish Ali's eyes had been open here but it's still cute. Michelle loves her furry older sister. She started carrying around her pink monkey again for a while. This was her favourite toy when she was a baby and she went EVERYWHERE with it. It was adorable seeing her carry it around again. She's still my baby girl!
I didn't expect there to be a long line up out the door when we got to Swiss Chalet. Lesson learned. Make reservations (of course with my long commute from work etc I wasn't sure what time we'd be there and I didn't think it would be so crowded.) There was a 40 minute wait for a table. Dear God. I was tempted to just boycott the whole thing. I was exhausted after a long day at work but I'd promised my parents and Michelle was looking forward to it too. So we killed time at a store in the plaza and then came back. I was looking forward to having the festive special! Mmmmm Swiss Chalet, OK! When the waitress asked if we needed anything I asked if she'd take our photo so she did (which was good because my selfies did NOT work out -- I couldn't fit us all in!)
It was nice but I was so relieved to be done and anxious to get to bed. I'd been up since 4 a.m. and had hardly any sleep (Michelle coughed all night. The never ending cough she's had off and on since she started school in September. Her cousin Reggie had a cough for months last year. And of course I had pneumonia for several months last Winter.)
This shot cracks me up. With her pursed lips and wide open eyes Michelle looks mildly annoyed like "OK can we just get on with this!" I still like this shot though I chose the other pose for the prints that I would share with family.
Just when I think my girl can't be any sweeter she makes me this. "To Mama P from Michelle P. You are the best Mama in the world!"I love when she does a Mama and baby heart holding hands (yes she has drawn this before). Adorbs. When I'm having a bad day it's things like this that keep me going. I do have the sweetest girl. So even if I'm a mess at least I know that I did something right!
Michelle and I both love Taylor Swift! Her CD 1989 was our favourite CD to play in the car for long rides. I loved her new songs when they came on the radio and was anxious to have the new CD Reputation. We were not disappointed. It is AMAZING! Every song on it is catchy! Whether you like her or not you have to admit Swift is a genius! And she's sold 1 million copies of her CD in the first week! At a time when most artists can't even sell a handful of CDs. I love that her album #Reputation came with a magazine as well. Such a cool concept. I love the whole CD but my favourite songs are "Look What you made me do," "Delicate," "Gorgeous" "Call it what you want" "This is why we can't have nice things!" Michelle loves "Ready for it" the best. I let Michelle watch the videos as well on Youtube.
"Kayla?"
"No! Remember who God created first?"
"Adam and Evie," Michelle said. That made me laugh. And at least by the time we got there she remembered and called them the right names for a change! She had a ball playing with them.
The whole gang together for a group shot. Wellalmost the whole gang -- Chris and Christina couldn't make it. There was a fire in their building that day. Chris had replaced my Mom's toilet and sink in her main floor bathroom as a birthday gift ahead of time. My Mom was disappointed they weren't coming to the party but relieved they were OK.
It's a bit of a drive but it's nice to visit Mike's now and then. I was glad the weather wasn't too bad. There was just a light dusting of snow. I had my snow tires put back on as soon as I heard there might be snow. I'm not taking any chances with that again after a horrendous drive in the snow last year before I got snow tires.
Lately a friend at school had been harassing Michelle about not having a daddy. There was no malicious intent but it wound up hurting Michelle. "You MUST have a daddy!" her friend told her. "EVERYONE HAS A DADDY!"
She started to feel like she was missing out. I explained to her that yes most people do have a Mommy and Daddy but some only have one of the other. There are also different families where there are two Moms or two Dads. Or some kids are raised by their grandparents or maybe they don't have grandparents (mine passed away when I was young.) Every family is different. The important thing is that you have people who love you. Michelle couldn't be more loved. I talked to the teacher about it and she read a book to the class about how every family is different.
At one point I asked if Artificial Intelligence was a threat to take over the world. I can't remember what she said. Some of her answers were evasive. Others were comical/entertaining. I sort of wished I had a device with a robot voice to ask questions. "Siri, what is love? What is the meaning of life?" Some answers just directed you toward websites on the subject but some of her answers were pretty creative.
Michelle wanted to help me decorate the tree so I made sure I waited until she was home from school to help me put the ornaments on. I just did all the grunt work (digging everything out from the basement and putting the tree together -- which is a nuisance since I can barely read the letters on the arms to see which branches go on what level.) I'm not a fan of stringing the lights on either. I was glad at least they still worked. Putting the ornaments on is the fun part. It's always a magical transformation to see the tree go from this sparse white (and yellowing over the years) tree to a bright glowing white vision with silver and turquoise ornaments.
She was happy to wear it to school and also wore her glittery black cat ears headband with it.
I'm glad that Michelle is a girly girl and loves dressing up. I've heard from some other parents that their daughters refuse to dress up, won't wear dresses, always want to wear the same pants etc.
Michelle normally is happy, positive and full of energy. Unfortunately in the Fall she was sometimes coming home upset by things her best friend had said. Though I've been assured by the teacher and the girl's parent that there was no malicious intent, Michelle's friend kept pestering her about her dad. "You must have a daddy! Everyone has a daddy!" It made Michelle feel like she was missing out. One day she said to me "I hate my life! I don't have a daddy! I don't have any sisters!" It made me angry to think that some other child was making her feel bad about her life. I told her that she has a mother who loves her very much. And grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, a big extended family. I told her that yes a lot of kids have a traditional family with a Mom and Dad but every family is different. They might just have a Mom or just a Dad, or 2 Moms or 2 Dads. Or just grandparents. Or no grandparents. I expressed my concerns to her teacher who wound up reading a book to the class about "Families" and how each one is unique. Luckily Michelle never sulked for very long. I always wound up cheering her up by getting her excited about Christmas etc.
"What kind of problems? Why did he leave?" Oh boy. Here we go. What do I say?! So I told her, in as kind and Disney-version a way as I could. He left when I was 4 months pregnant. But I told her that before that he did kiss my belly, did call her Michelle, did say he was looking forward to having a family for the first time in his life. He said we'd be a "cute little family." I said maybe he got scared that he didn't know how to be a father or how to have a normal family because his own life had been so messed up -- I told her how he never had a father and his Mom was put in jail when he was 1 year old and he was bounced around foster homes. I told her he had a lot of issues -- emotional, financial, etc and that he would have been more of a burden than a help which may be why he chose to leave. She took it all in stride (then again she is 5 years old.) Then she wanted to know more about him. "What did he look like?"
"He was very tall & thin 6'2" had spiky blond hair, blue eyes, piercings and tattoos..."
"Cool!" she exclaimed.
I sighed. I wanted to say no it's not cool but "Billy Idol" was basically my type when I was younger. And the attraction to stereotypical "bad boys" continued into adulthood. Actually it spiked in my 40s. Maybe it was mid-life crisis. I bought a convertible too... Anyway I hoped Michelle would never fall for the bad boys. I told her I could show her photos and even a video of her dad. She was excited. "Show me! I want to see it!" Michelle laughed her head off at the video of him chasing me through a corn field pretending to be a psycho/monster (pretending?!) For a moment I imagined him playing with her, chasing Michelle around with her laughing. It made me sad to think how she doesn't have a daddy in her life. But I'm glad he's not in our lives because he had so many issues and I can't bear the thought of Michelle being hurt. I don't want him anywhere near her.
It was kind of cathartic to share all this with her. I didn't want it to be this deep dark secret. This burden that I carry alone. I'd rather she know and be OK with it. I didn't want to bad mouthe him to her. Even if he is a monster, he's still half of who she is. I'm grateful for his DNA. Grateful I fell for the devil to get my angel. I tried to give her the kindest version of the story. And maybe he really did leave out of love for us because he was toxic and he knew it. When she's older she can draw her own conclusions. I hope she never wants to find him or that he never tries to find her. He has no right. He checked out. He washed his hands of us. There is no father on Michelle's birth certificate. It's blank. He might as well be a ghost. He could be dead for all I know. I've made no effort to find him. Nor will I ever. (Hopefully Michelle never does.)
When he first left I refused to write a song about him for a long time. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I'd written songs about him when we were together. But all these years later I have all these unresolved issues, questions, anger, pain. I found myself writing songs about him now. One called "Ghosted" I posted on Youtube. Back when he left I had never heard the term "ghosting" but apparently many women have been left without a word. It's the most cowardly way to leave someone -- to just disappear without a trace. Like a ghost. Leaving someone while she's pregnant with your child is lowest of all. Writing is therapeutic and getting these feelings out, even all these years later, helps.
I had a huge pile of Michelle's artwork that I'd been putting off sorting through for years. I finally sat down with folders and went through the piles labeling (some I had thankfully labeled so then it was easier to time stamp pieces from the same period) and sorting them. It was actually kind of fun and gave me a few really good laughs. Especially the pictures where I had written Michelle's description on the back. Some of them were hilarious and I didn't even remember them. Now I've gotten in the habit of writing the month and year on the back as soon as Michelle brings artwork home from school.
This cat is amazing! So adorable! I think it was a cat on a book that Michelle was reading. I love the big eyes. It actually looks just like the cat on the book did.
I'm glad that Michelle loves books and reading, writing and art as much as I do.
I was so proud of her when I went for the parent teacher interview at her school.
I love this outfit. My little schoolgirl in her tartan skirt. Of course I had to wear a tartan kilt as a school uniform and found it the opposite of cute but it's different when she's 5 years old. There was even a matching tartan tie.
"Aren't ties just for men?" Michelle asked.
"Well mostly. But women can wear them too."
"I'm like a businesswoman! A grown lady!" she suggested.
"Yes!" I told her.
She was quite proud of herself and kept admiring her outfit in the mirror.
It is scary how fast she's growing up. She's only 5 years old but already she talks about being a teenager and sometimes I'm afraid she's trying to grow up too fast.
In some ways she wants to be so grown up and dependent but in other ways she still wants to be a little girl. And I still call her baby. I told her she'll ALWAYS be my baby no matter how old she is.
Michelle was excited for Christmas coming. She wanted to write Santa a letter. She was going to ask him for the $400 pink Cadillac we'd seen in Toys R Us months ago. I gulped. Uh oh. Crap. What do I say?!I managed to think of a good way out of it. I said it wouldn't be fair to other kids if she got something that big and expensive. And how would he fit that in his sack? Also I told her that it wouldn't fit in our garage, she wouldn't be able to ride it in the house and it would get wrecked outside. When she first asked for it I told her that I'd only buy it if we won the lottery. I stuck by that. And no Santa couldn't get it either. I told her that unless we win the lottery and moved to a mansion we wouldn't have room for it. This all seemed reasonable to her so she asked Santa for a Teddy Bear for her doll instead. Phew. That was a close one!
Michelle always gets one present from Santa and the rest from me...
She's always so excited for me to see her work. I always make a fuss. For a while Michelle was very hard on herself and didn't think her drawings were good enough but I think I've praised her enough that she knows they are wonderful, especially for a 5 year old. I want to start drawing and painting again myself but it's tough with my schedule and Christmas on the way now. Of course not having time is the excuse people always use for avoiding the things they love. You have to MAKE time. Somehow I find time to chip away at these blog posts. They have become my photo album/diary/record of my life and I seem to need to do them even though it is difficult finding/making time.
My Mom was glad to have time to shop while I took Michelle to Play Place. Then Michelle and I just ran through the mall quickly and grabbed a few things before meeting up with Grandma. I started to panic that I hadn't really started my Christmas shopping and it's late November?! There just never seemed to be a good time between my insane schedule and other things going on, getting sick etc. Christmas shopping is always stressful. Michelle is too easy to buy for but for most people in my family I'm always at a loss. And yes we still buy gifts for each other. All 17 of us. Most families don't do that. They just buy for their own kids or they buy for one person (Secret Santa etc). Every year my Mom and I say this is crazy and we can't keep doing this but then we do anyway.
I asked her what she wanted to do and she chose the indoor playground. As cold as it is outside she winds up sweating running around the playground so I had to make sure she had a t-shirt so she wouldn't overheat. Sure enough she was drenched in sweat when she ran to me for a drink of water. (She did have a sweater and coat to bundle up in outside.) I would rather have gone to the Butterfly Conservatory for a taste of Summer in this bleak Fall/Winter spell but it was her choice.
Michelle had a ball and made new friends as usual. She did get upset at one point after she fell on the blue slide and got hurt (she tried going down on the stomach which was a bad idea since there are bumps in the slide and sure enough she banged her chin. I told her to go down on her bum from now on!) Then a young boy pushed her and she said she wanted to go. I knew it would be a mistake to leave on a sour note and she'd regret it. I talked her into just having a drink, taking a breath and going back to playing. Sure enough she wound up having a great time and laughing again. We were both glad she'd stayed. I insisted on getting some photos of us as usual. This time instead of the usual pose with the giraffe I got shots with the Christmas decorations - a Christmas tree and a nearly life sized Santa Claus. If only Michelle had smiled...
Whatever else may be wrong in my life at least I have the sweetest little girl in the whole world! She's always telling me she loves me and writing me sweet cards and letters. Of course I'm also very affectionate with her and I put a love note in her lunch every day so it is a learned habit!
She made me this heart shaped card for no occasion. I keep all of her cards and drawings.
One day she wanted to paint so I got out the paints and brushes for her and she did the kitty and butterfly above. One of these days I will join her and start painting again myself but somehow I always seem to find an excuse not to. I had started writing and illustrating a children's book late last year but then I got sick with pneumonia, it got shelved, my work schedule got twice as hectic/insane and it was just put on hold indefinitely. Part of it is fear too. If I actually finish the book and send it out and it gets rejected I'd be devastated. Easier not to try, right? So many dreams get put on the shelf...
Michelle's teacher emailed me this photo and told me that Michelle taught the class how to make hearts! It was so cute! I was so proud of her. She showed me at home as well -- how she folds the paper, cuts a triangle, curves the edges. "Who taught you that?" I asked her.
"No one. I just made it up myself."
"Very clever!" I said.
She said some of the JK kids struggled with it but most of them got it.
Michelle is the Queen of my Heart! I never tire of her heart notes/cards.
I had no choice as far as when the appointment would be. It was on an off-day at least but it started at 9 am. It was going to be a mad dash to get Michelle to school then race across town (driving within the speed limit of course! Nudge nudge wink wink...) to make it for 9 o'clock. Somehow I managed to do it, give or take 5 minutes. Unfortunately I arrived, went to the office and found it in darkness. I went to another unit/company in the building to ask her and she said "Oh I don't know. I've never seen anyone in that office!" Great. It was like the Twilight Zone. I started to second guess everything. Was I in the wrong place? (The door was labelled that it was a mental health office.) Was it the wrong day? (I had it in my calendar from when I got the call.) Man I must really be losing it! After a couple of calls on my cell I discovered that the therapist was just human and running late/stuck in traffic. It wasn't a huge office with a secretary. It was literally just a two room tiny office and until she unlocked it to see me there was no one there.
"Thank God!" I said to her, "I thought I was going crazy!" At least not in THIS instance...
Of course as a creature of habit change -- even a change for the better -- is scary/stressful/unwelcome. Sometimes (aka always?) I'd almost rather stay in a bad situation than try to figure out a way out of it. I just keep hoping for a miracle/deus ex machina to solve everything. As Dr. Phil would say/ask"How's that working for you?" and the answer is "NOT VERY WELL!" LOL I'm not sure what I'm going to do next year. At this point I just try to take things one day at a time. I'm not sure what the answer is. Michelle is my #1 Priority. I will ALWAYS do what I believe is best for her regardless of the toll it may take on me. As the therapist tried to tell me however, if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of her, can I? She used the analogy of when you're on an airplane and they give you emergency instructions they tell mothers with children to put an oxygen mask on themselves FIRST and their children after. This made me cry for some reason. I said that it just feels wrong to me to ever put myself before Michelle. She said I can't feel guilty or selfish about taking care of me. I need to be OK to take care of her.
When I talk with other Moms (and Dads) it does strike me how much easier it is for couples. I try not to be resentful. (I've come to the realisation that I'm on Noah's Ark and everyone is coupled off two by two except me.) They still have their problems of course. Raising a child isn't easy period however at least they have each other. They have support. A second pair of hands and ears and a second wallet to pay the bills. It is much harder to be a single Mom. Especially in my situation with no input of any kind (financially or otherwise) from a father. It's all me. Between work and home, constantly on so little sleep and running on empty, it's easy to get burned out.
I remember hearing the Zen proverb: "You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes every day -- unless you're too busy -- and then you should sit for an hour." On the surface it sounds paradoxical but the point is that if you think you're too busy that's when you need it most because you're probably over-scheduled and stressed. Sometimes we need to slow down.Michelle's school was having a series of Yoga nights. I couldn't make it for most of them but there was one on an off day called "Yoga: Finding Happiness through Mindfulness." It sounded like just what I needed and I thought it would be something nice to share with Michelle. It was still going to be tricky because it was on a day that I was supposed to head to my Mom's. The class ended at 8 pm which meant I wouldn't get to my Mom's until 9 pm but maybe Michelle would fall asleep in the car and it wouldn't be so bad?
So Michelle and I went. I tried to get her to look for a photo and she wilfully ignored me. Good for her actually, because the yoga instructor was talking to us about being "mindful" and I was too busy trying to get a photo op.Michelle 1
Mama 0
I did get the message and put the camera away.
The yoga instructor had us do some exercises to music which were both fun and exhausting! We were hopping like frogs and bending over like cows and I don't know what. Luckily by the time I was hyperventilating we got to sit down and rest. I sat in a full lotus and Michelle sat cross-legged. We took deep breaths. We did positive affirmations. "I am special. I am important." I started to tear up as I said these things because these are things I never say to myself. I managed to hold it together. I didn't want to embarrass myself. I realized I'm not very kind to myself and I need to be more often.
Then the instructor read the kids a story about a blessing jar and they got to make their own blessing jar. It was a sweet story about a girl who was feeling grumpy until her Grandma made her look for things to be grateful about and she managed to fill a whole jar with things -- a seashell from the beach etc. While the kids made their blessing jar the teacher talked to us about the importance of teaching mindfulness to our children. We can teach children to be more calm, to not anger so easily. She talked about the amygdala (I'd already heard about it from the counselor so I knew it was the primitive brain responsible for the fight or flight response.) The yoga instructor called the amygdala "the barking dog." It just gets angry. It's an instant response, without thinking. She called the frontal cortex, the more rational part of the brain, the wise old owl. She said that sometimes the barking dog can scare the wise owl away. I thought of myself driving and getting angry in traffic. She said that we can teach children to take a breath and to react rationally rather than having a tantrum. (I was thinking "Teach my kid? I need to learn this!") She said she wished she'd known these things when her kids were younger. She told us that raising a child can be stressful but that we have to appreciate every moment because it all goes so fast. As she said that I nodded and my eyes welled up with tears. Unfortunately she noticed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you cry." I waved my hand as if to say "Don't mind me. Sentimental fool and I'm just hanging by a thread in general." It does go so fast. That's why I try to hold on with photos. But I also have to learn to relax, take a breath and enjoy the moment.
Then the instructor had some gifts for us: a feather. We were to focus on how soft it was. To close our eyes and just focus on the softness. She also gave us a clementine to eat and we were to focus on the sweetness. Michelle loved it and even wanted another one. I'd given up buying them for a while because she didn't like the "skin" and the "strings" on the orange pieces but this exercise made her love them again. Yay! I'm always happy when I can get her to eat something healthy without an argument.
I couldn't leave without getting a souvenir photo of our Mother-Daughter yoga evening. We were photo-bombed and someone offered to retake our photo but then Michelle was running amok with the other kids and I couldn't get her to sit still. I told the instructor afterward how much I'd enjoyed the experience and I was glad that we went, even though it wasn't easy. I still had to drive an hour now, at night, to my Mom's and then get up at 4 a.m. for dayshift. At least Michelle fell asleep so I carried her in. I got to bed early but my mind wouldn't shut down. I tried focusing on my breathing, thinking about feathers and clementines but it wasn't working. My mind is too full and I can't empty it. I just kept thinking. Worrying. About work. About money and Christmas and my life and the news and just everything. Just an endless stream of thoughts and when I try to stop them I can't. So I lay there and lay there. Then I finally fall asleep for a few minutes and Michelle wakes me up because she wants a glass of water and needs to go to the washroom. And then I can't get back to sleep. Finally I fall asleep at 3 a.m. and the alarm goes off at 4 a.m. to work dayshift. Then I work a 14 hour day and go through it all again. Welcome to my life... Sometimes by the second dayshift at least I'm so bone-tired and beyond exhausted that I can actually fall asleep. But other times I just lay there insomniac. Tired but unable to sleep. Like being thirsty in the middle of the ocean without any clean water to drink.
I hope that I can learn to listen more to the wise old owl than the barking dog, to not get so angry and upset about things. I still let things get to me. As they say "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff." I have so many pet peeves. Like why does the garbage collector have to throw my recycling boxes in the middle of my driveway so I have to stop my car in the middle of the road & move them out of the way so I can pull in (when most people have theirs on the boulevard/grass. Seriously. I'm starting to take it personally. I have a single car driveway so I can't pull in when you throw them there. Also the paper boy throws the paper in the middle of the driveway! I have driveway issues! LOL) Or why is there a woman who ALWAYS stands with her dog in the middle of the road having a conversation with a neighbour instead of just standing on the sidewalk (she does this EVERY SINGLE MORNING that I take Michelle to school. It makes my teeth itch. I want to say to her "Why the HELL are you standing in the road? Your dog is going to get run over!") Or the other day a guy in a pickup truck had a set of blue balls hanging off the back of the truck hitch. I couldn't help staring. It was so obnoxious it made me sick. They say you can't judge a book by its cover but you can when its balls are hanging out. And then there are the passive aggressive drivers who go as slow as they can until you try to pass them and then they speed up. Or the inconsiderate twit/psycho truck drivers who speed up to block you and don't let you merge from the on-ramp on the highway when you have no choice but to merge! But so what? Why do I let silly things bother me? What does it matter? I don't have to be the barking dog. I can be the wise owl. I can just calmly assess the situation without reacting. Right? I have to face the fact that I can not control the world. The world isn't perfect. Sh$% happens. People aren't perfect. Myself included. And people are simply not going to follow my code of conduct or my script. So let them be. They can act like a bonehead and it doesn't have to affect me personally. I can choose to say "So what?" Live and let live. Namaste.
Michelle is only five years old but in some ways she's already more wise than I am. She is kind to people regardless of whether they're nice to her. She is friendly with everyone. She shrugs things off. She focuses on the positive. She is filled with love and joy and believes that the world is a beautiful, magical place filled with adventure. There is so much that I could learn from her. Don't get me wrong. She still has her moments. She can be moody when she's overtired too. But she always goes back to being my sweet angel. I wish my outlook was that bright. I wish I had her energy and enthusiasm. Unfortunately I'm usually on so little sleep and feeling depleted so it's harder. I've also had some stressful, heart-breaking, disillusioning life experiences knock the wind out of my sails so it's a lot harder to believe in magic...
Still I let Michelle believe in magic. She wrote a letter to Santa and I let her mail it herself.Santa Claus
North Pole
H0H 0H0
She was excited. "Do you think he'll write back to me?"
"He might," I suggested, "but he's very busy!"
I still think my Mom should have let me have that bit of magic as a kid. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus and I know that's the true meaning of Christmas but Saint Nick makes it that much more exciting. You have the rest of your life to be a cynical adult. Why not enjoy the magic while you're a kid?
So there you go! We got through October and November. And I got through this blog post somehow! Forgive me if there are mistakes or I repeat myself numerous times. I wrote chunks at a time here and there so it's not exactly cohesive. I had to carve out time where I could. (Which is always tricky!) Editing is the hardest part so I just avoided it! LOL This blog helps me in a way. It is a form of therapy. It helps me process everything I'm going through and try to create something positive out of it. So I want to keep doing it. And it always strikes me when I look at the stats and see people from all over the world reading it. Thank you for being one of them! October and November, even the rough parts, flew by. Now we're into December which is insane! Time just goes way too fast. I swear someone is pushing the fast forward button. It will be Christmas before we know it. 2017 was a rough year but we survived it and it's almost over! I really hope that better days are ahead in 2018. My next post likely won't be until January or February so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! If you celebrate them! Otherwise Happy Hannukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice etc whatever you're into! Wishing love, peace and happiness to all!
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ReplyDeleteBaby Sleep Consultant
I applaud your strength. Even though you may not realize it, every day is a step towards sanity. Do what you need to do to change your situation. Whether it be changing jobs or whatever it is. Make life easier for you. I have been a reader of your blog for several years and have never commented. I recall reading your blog one day and commenting to my boyfriend (at the time) how horrible it was for your ex to disappear on you the way he did. Wouldn't you know it, several years later he did the same to me. Know that you are not alone. It's been a year for me and its a struggle everyday. Struggle to wake up, struggle to work, struggle to sleep. Very far back in my mind though, I know that my future holds brighter days. I wish you and your little one well.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Sorry to hear you went through a similar experience. A lot of bad guys out there! At least my girl keeps me out of trouble! No more dating for me! She's the love of my life now! I've been going through a rough time lately. Need to make changes. I just keep hoping for a miracle like winning a lottery or something! LOL Hasn't happened yet! Thanks for reading/sharing. Take care! Ann Marie
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