|My little niece having cake!|
It's like a switch has gone off in my brain since finding out I was pregnant. I'm in Mommy mode. It's hard to imagine now that I wasn't always in this mode. There were fleeting moments when a baby would look at me and smile that I'd feel a small twinge in my heart but not enough to make me want any. I just couldn't go there in my mind. Obviously it was meant to be. I was just a bit of a late bloomer which is only fitting because I have been in everything else. I didn't move out until my late 30s. My sexual peak didn't hit until my 40s. In my teens and 20s I wasn't happy with myself, wasn't comfortable in my own skin. It took a long time for me to reach the point where I felt vibrant and beautiful and open to experience life and its pleasures fully. Most women catch baby fever much younger. They can't wait to start a family. It's one of the things that rushes them to the altar. (I never really got wedding fever, then again I never met Mr. Right, aka "the one," my soulmate. I met some pretty good imposters, but their true colours would always show long before any engagement ring appeared.) At the rate I was going, I couldn't see me ever getting married or having kids. And I was OK with that. I was just happy to reach a point in my life where I felt good about myself, physically and spiritually. I saw life as a beautiful adventure. I wanted to fall in love, travel, experience life to its fullest. The plan was to eventually relocate to a tropical paradise. I wanted to travel light. I drove a car with two seats and no trunk space. Babies weren't on my radar whatsoever. Not in my wildest dreams.
|With my little nephew|
Apparently, I would learn later that another scorpion (aside from the one that knocked me up) may have played a role in the whole get-Ann-Marie-unexpectedly-pregnant scheme. My mother, also a Scorpio, told me that she had been praying every night that I would never regret my decision not to have a baby. What?! Mother! Really? Can you please consult me before you have discussions about MY life and reproductive system with the Big Guy?! And if you have that much pull can you maybe say a prayer for me like -- "Please God don't let Ann Marie regret that she never won millions in the lottery?!" Because let me tell you, $30 million would come in handy right about now! It seems that my mother's baby prayers for me were answered in a rather dramatic way. It was, quite tellingly, only a few days after Mom's November birthday that I was "late" and took a pregnancy test to find that YES I was quite pregnant. I guess I know what she wished when she blew out her candles! Thanks, Mom! What have you gotten me into?!
Now I have babies on the brain. Everytime I see one, giggling and cooing on TV, smiling in a magazine ad, sleeping cherub-like on an Anne Geddes card or calendar, or out and about beckoning me from strollers, from mothers' arms, or those irresistible little kangaroo pouches (my sister gave me one -- a "Snugli" -- because the idea of carrying my child like a marsupial is beyond adorable) I'm smitten. Yes I've been hit by a case of full blown Baby Fever! Just a glimpse of a baby and I can't help but smile, experience a pang of longing, an uncontrollable wave of affection and start to tear up a little in anticipation of my own little one. Baby strollers are like magnets to me now. I'm drawn to them. The other day in frozen foods I saw a couple with a newborn, six weeks old. So tiny. So precious. They had a little flower band on her head. She was sleeping like a cherub. "Don't let her fool you," the mother said, "she was screaming 20 minutes ago." It doesn't matter. Babies are perfect. Even when they're devils, they're angels.
|In his Hawaiian shirt from Aunt Ann Marie!|
Baby will be here before I know it! The time has flown since November. April is almost over now. I'm days away from my third trimester. It's hard to believe. In some ways, I'm frightened -- of labour and of taking care of the baby. Newborns are so delicate. Will I be OK? Will I know what I'm doing? It will be OK. Every Mom is a first time Mom at some point. You learn as you go. I will be a pro soon enough. And I will have a couple of pros to give me pointers -- my Mom and my sister. When I get back home alone and it's just baby and me, it may be scary at first. (Not that having her dad around would have really helped. He was far less prepared for parenting than I was. He was just a big kid himself. Mischievous and completely irresponsible.) Fears aside, I'm excited about meeting my little angel. I can't wait for that new baby smell (even more intoxicating than the new car smell!) -- soft, powdery, fresh, clean, innocent. The tiny little fingers and toes. Little cherub cheeks. Holding her, singing her to sleep. Dressing her in adorable little outfits. And I won't panic if I need advice. Help is always a phone call away. I will cherish the time alone with my baby. She will be my world and I will be hers. Someday we may meet someone wonderful to join our little family, but until then we will do just fine on our own. It's a rollercoaster (and I always loved those!) -- a mixture of fear and excitement. You're so scared that you may ask yourself why you got on this wild ride but then you feel so alive, so exhilarated that you realize it's worth it.
|Embracing my new curves|
|Worth giving up my old tummy for a while|
It's still sort of surreal to me that this is happening. It's magical. A miracle. My own baby. Part of me. Will she be like me?
|Me as a baby|
This baby means the world to me. She is worth the changes and sacrifices I have to make. I would do anything for her. I was inspired to write this song for her, "Everything I do is for you." It's the latest in a playlist of my original songs that I've written for her so far. (A singer-songwriter I've written hundreds of songs. My baby is my muse now. I plan to write many more songs and lullabies for her.)
I didn't know I wanted a baby. I only knew that I wanted my life to be beautiful and extraordinary. Wanted to find my true love, a love that would endure forever, someone to share the rest of my life with, someone to love, laugh, learn and grow with. I wanted life to be an amazing adventure. Wanted to create something unique, to do something daring that I'd never attempted, to live life to the fullest. Well, it looks like I got my wish...