MAYhem

It seems like a lifetime since I've posted but it's only been since April. I meant to write something in May but May was a hectic month and gone in a blur. Now I don't even know where to begin. It was a rough month. Between working and special occasions there was so much going on it seemed like I never had a chance to catch my breath. I'm fortunate to have a job where I'm home more days than I work. The down side is that when I do work the shifts are very long (14-15 hours with the commute) and include weekends and stat holidays. This May unfortunately I had to work on Mother's Day, my birthday and my sister's birthday. I still had a little time with the family before work (on nightshift) but it was difficult.


I don't know why I feel this need to "catch up" in the blogs but I do and it's tough because I never have much time and now it feels like I'm so far behind. I would like to do one post a month. That was the plan but somehow two months slipped between my fingers. Now I can't even remember what happened in April! Seems like a year ago...I'll have to look back at the photos. They're like a diary in images. Photos are my way of holding on and recalling things

because I have a hard time even remembering what happened yesterday (I make notes in my calendar as well to keep track of things. My short term memory is SHOT. If you've seen Finding Nemo think of the Dory character. I'm not quite that far gone but well on my way.) I looked back at my April uploads and found these shots I almost forgot about. It was a fairy costume I got before Michelle was born and almost didn't fit her so I figured I better do a photo shoot before she outgrows it. She's already wearing size 3 clothes (and has the vocabulary of a 3-4 year old.) I constantly have people tell me how bright she is and I'm very proud of her but at the same time, she is the most difficult child you can possibly imagine. And she's moodier than ever. She went through a stage (and I hope it's over now!) where she would haul off and hit me <WHACK> out of the blue, for no reason (well because she was tired/cranky or there's a bit of her father-monster in her). So I'd say "That's not nice! You don't hit Mama. You don't hit ANYONE. EVER." Then she'd throw herself on the floor and scream and cry. "Why are YOU crying? I should be crying!" I'd say. Then later she'll be sweet as pie, hugging me and saying "I love you Mommy." Yeah I think there is a bit of her father in her. Runs hot and cold. I adore her but she drives me bat-sh%$ crazy sometimes!

I love dressing her up. She's like a living doll. If I'm being honest that was one of the reasons I really wanted a girl. Michelle was a bunny for Easter, of course. Though I had a hard time keeping the ears on her. Princess will gladly wear a tiara but she wasn't too keen on the ears. The bunny outfit suited her with her two teeth at the front. She's actually getting a lot more teeth now. When she laughs I really see them coming in. She has more front teeth and molars at the back. I don't know whether teething has anything to do with how difficult she's been. The screaming fits, the lack of sleep. It's hard to say. Could just be that she's a redhead and a spoiled Princess redhead at that. And yes, coddling attachment parent that I am, I know I am at least partly to blame.

Michelle's tantrums have reached EPIC proportions. "Terrible twos" (and she's not even two yet, God help me) doesn't begin to describe the fury that this kid can unleash. When she is angry because she didn't get her way INSTANTLY, is overtired (which is her own fault because she won't sleep), falls and gets hurt or anything else goes wrong in the little Princess' perfect world, there is HELL to pay. She will scream like she's being murdered. Throws herself down, red in the face, shrieking like something unholy and over NOTHING AT ALL. It's infuriating. It's terrifying. There are days I just bawl my eyes out because I don't know how to deal with her. It feels like I do so much for her, sacrifice so much for her, bend over backwards to make her happy and it's never enough. My sister, very sympathetically got me a book "Reasons My Kid is Crying" by Greg Pembroke and it features photos of kids having tantrums for the most random reasons. It made me laugh, even through tears. At least I know I'm not alone. It can be extremely frustrating though. It's part of the reason I have no social life. I'm limited in what I can do. I avoid situations out of fear she'll make a scene. I'm afraid to make plans, afraid of what she'll do.
The one party/BBQ I attempted to attend was a fiasco. She seemed OK at first, playing with other kids, but then mid-afternoon she had a full-blown tantrum over nothing and I left so we wouldn't ruin it for everyone else. She was screaming "Nap! Nap!" (this is what my kid does -- instead of going to sleep like a normal human would when she's tired, she screams "Nap!" and doesn't sleep.) Then we get home and sure enough she doesn't even go to sleep. She starts running around and wanting to play. "I left the party because of you and now you don't even want a nap anyway?!" Family events are different. I figure my family loves us no matter what but around anyone else I feel embarrassed when Michelle goes ballistic. It feels like people will be looking at me and shaking their heads in judgment "Gheesh. Can't you control your kid?" Because before I had kids sometimes I thought that way. And the truth is, no I can't control a force of nature! She's like a volcano or a tornado sometimes. I mostly just try to keep the peace and avoid situations that will set her off. Yes I'm OWNED by a 22 month old. I sacrifice my own life and sleep and happiness and just about everything for her sake.

My nephew James' First Communion was one of the most stressful days I can remember. I was afraid it wasn't going to go well. My fears were well-founded. Being in church involves two things that Michelle is utterly incapable of: being quiet and being still. The service hadn't even started yet and she was wriggling to get out of my arms, trying to run out of the pew. She wanted to run around the church. She could see no reason to stay in one spot when there was a whole new place to explore. When we go into a store she runs amok (she even mocks me saying "Mama! I'm running amok!") It drives me crazy. I've seen People of Walmart photos where the Mom has her kid on a leash and trust me, it's tempting! (My Mom used harnesses on us. I don't actually think I could do it.) Michelle won't stay in the stroller. She wants to walk around. She'll hold my hand and walk nicely for a bit but then she'll take off like a shot all of a sudden and I can barely catch her (I've got to remember to wear running shoes instead of sandals.) My warnings about possible abductions (though I pity the fool who would try to grab her) go unheeded. She laughs and sprints off as fast and as far as she can get from me. So I have to race like a lunatic to chase and catch her. And I feel the disapproving looks. Strangers shaking their heads and thinking "Tsk. Can't you control your kid?!" So naturally Michelle wanted to run around the church. If she'd had her way she'd have run screaming up to the altar with her arms flung open. She kept straining to look around. She saw that there was a balcony and yelled out "Mama! I want to go up!" so I took her upstairs hoping that would keep her quiet. Then she was yelling "Mama! I want to go down!" so I complied. I would whisper in her ear "Please Michelle. Be a good girl for Mama. Be quiet." She'd yell back "NO! No way!" and people in the pew behind laughed. I could see my brother and his girlfriend giggling. Yeah, laugh it up. It's hilarious when it's not your kid.

I spent the entire service stressed, sweating, wrestling with a wriggling, struggling, kicking monster, trying to keep her from shouting out, screaming, crying or otherwise causing a scene. Everyone around me smiling in amusement. No one the slightest bit concerned that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It would be funny if it weren't happening to me. I finally took her outside when I couldn't take it anymore and watched the rest of the mass from the vestibule trying to keep Michelle from catapulting out the open door and down the cement steps. Then another little girl came and Michelle was trying to take the beads off her shoes.

I was hoping Michelle would have gone over to see Shannon and Reggie at the end of the pew since she is always going on about them and loves when we visit Auntie May but no she spent the whole time torturing me instead. It was excruciating and felt a lot longer than an hour. It didn't help that the priest went blathering on a long-winded homily (usually they try to keep things short and sweet when kids are involved so they don't lose patience but this guy had no clue. Sorry Father Whoever You Are. I love Jesus too but can you wrap this puppy up, I'm trying to get out of here alive!) Ironically, once the service was over, Michelle sat in the seat, good as gold, reading the hymn books. "Why couldn't you do that DURING the mass?!" I sighed. She just laughed at me. "Mama, I read books?"

I told Michelle about Mother's Day and even taught her to say Happy Mother's Day which she said perfectly several times until the day actually came and then she refused to say it. My Mom made me a little card as though it was from Michelle. It was hard only having a little time with the family before I had to go to work. It always breaks my heart to leave Michelle and that day was especially hard leaving the whole family as well. At least she was so distracted and excited having the whole gang there and playing in the backyard that she hardly noticed when I left at first. I always have to sneak out so she doesn't scream and cling to my leg. My Mom said she usually does fuss a little after she realizes I'm gone but then calms down eventually. I have enough guilt over leaving her without hearing her scream when I go. I have to earn a living. Everyone tells me she's probably better off having some time away from me anyway. I spend more time with her than probably anyone spends with their children. Most people work Monday-Friday and even if they don't work they have commitments, hobbies, social outings, time for themselves away from the kids. Most people get a sitter so that they can do things. The only time I have my Mom watch Michelle is when I go to work. That's the closest I come to a break/vacation and I even feel bad about that! I don't know why I beat myself up over it. I grew up in a household where Mom was at home and maybe that's in the back of my mind but being a Single Mom it's just not an option. I have to work.

Mother's Day is the day that Moms are usually supposed to get a break, a thank you, some gesture of appreciation for all she does. It's tough when you're a single Mom, especially with a young child. Of course Michelle couldn't make me breakfast in bed or bring flowers or a gift. I did wind up getting a bit of a break ironically by going to work.

I felt bad that my Mom had to watch Michelle on Mother's Day. My Mom loves Michelle so much. She says it's like having me back again as a little girl (mind you, that can be a bad thing too! I wasn't always a picnic either!) Before I went to work we had three heart-shaped pizzas, for the three Moms -- Mom, May and I. It was a cute idea. Nothing says "I love you Mom" like a heart-shaped pizza! At least Michelle did say "I love you Mommy" which she says often and which is the sweetest sound in the world and could make me forgive her anything.


Michelle knows how to say and even sing "Happy Birthday" but of course she wouldn't do it on my birthday. She can do so many things but she has to feel like it. It's basically impossible to MAKE her do anything she doesn't want to do. She'll shake her head "No!" She'll even scrunch up her nose and frown and go "No WAY!" "She's so contrary!" my Mom said. Contradicts you just to be difficult. Says "No!" even when it's something she wants.

It was tough having to work but I knew we'd be celebrating with the family on the weekend anyway. My sister and I had a combined birthday party this year. It just made more sense in a month of birthdays (and when I had to work so much). Also, we're at the age now where we don't really WANT to remember or have our ages singled out! I actually can't believe how old we are. I think I'm just going to be 39 from now on! Age is just a number anyway. I recently heard about Ernestine Shepherd who won the Guinness World Record for oldest female body builder at 77 years old. Look for her on Youtube. She looks amazing! Girl is RIPPED! No excuses. Never say you "can't."

Since 99% of my energy goes to taking care of Michelle, I haven't really been taking care of myself. I decided to become healthier and to get back in shape. I started working out in April. It's very hard to find the time and energy but I'm committed. I finished Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I had done it years ago and lost 17 lbs then but now I was having a much harder time. I only lost 5 lbs this time around (different being older and having had a baby) but must have gained muscle because I could see and feel the difference and felt a lot stronger. I've been counting calories as well (calculated my BMI to see how many calories I burn then creating a calorie deficit for weight loss.) It's been a challenge and frustrating to say the least. I'm at the age where your metabolism slows and you lose muscle mass so if you don't really work at it you're certain to gain weight. I'm determined to get my pre-baby belly back, or at least a reasonable approximation so after the 30 Day Shred I started Jillian's "Six Week Six Pack" and have lost another 5 pounds and have more muscle definition. It's an uphill battle but I'm not giving up. As much as I hate working out, I do like the feeling that it gives me afterward. I feel stronger and healthier and it feels good to be doing something for myself for a change. I was hoping to have a six pack in time for bikini season but I don't have much longer to go now. While I do see a difference, I'm still not quite where I want to be. I'm not giving up. I already have my next workout, Jillian's "Yoga Inferno," picked out. I am a work in progress.

I am so happy to have my big crazy family. They are what keeps me going. Michelle loves them too. She loves Grandma and Grandpa whom she sees the most obviously since my Mom is my child care. We visit Auntie May quite often too and Michelle is ALWAYS asking to see Auntie May, Shannon and Reggie. Now she's getting quite attached to her godfather Uncle Chris too. Everyone noticed how Michelle isn't so shy around them anymore. She comes out of her shell much more quickly and talks and laughs with them.

After the combined celebration for May and I we got together for Shannon and Reggie's birthdays (which will always be combined because they were born on the same day, which still blows my mind! What are the odds? 1/365 at least!)

It's nice having Shane's family there too so our big crazy family is even bigger and with more kids running around. Michelle had a blast. It was a beautiful day so we were able to enjoy some of it outside. Michelle came out of her shell with Shane's family. She even went outside with Shane's sister Jenn and was holding her hand and leading her around. It's a relief to me that she is comfortable with other people and doesn't have to cling to me every second. It used to be she would cower in my arms most of the time. Now she seems to feel safe much sooner at family events. I guess because there have been so many she's gotten used to them.

Everyone was amazed at the things Michelle could say and do. She can basically say anything and everything. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs. She speaks in full sentences. Some of the funny things she's come off with lately are: "If you're good you make Mama happy and proud. If you're bad you make Mama sad and mad." (Which is pretty accurate and a brilliant deduction. Now if only she'd bear this in mind before having a tantrum!) Whenever she asks to have something of mine (like makeup or chewing gum or drinking Coke -- Coke Zero now that I'm dieting!) I tell her not until she's older so now she's started saying "If you get older and older, have to use makeup (chew gum, drink Coke)." I explained to her that you don't "have to" but it becomes an option. She plays with dolls, especially Cinderella and Prince Charming and she loves her Ken dolls (missing that male figure in her life I guess) and has them walk around and talk, making voices for them. It's adorable watching her play. She's so imaginative the other day at my Mom's she picked up a lawn ornament squirrel and told us he was sick and had to go to the hospital (pronounced hops-pedal.) "Did you teach her that?" my Mom asked. "No," I said, "she must have picked it up from TV or a movie or something." She is like a sponge. She takes in everything. So I'm very careful NOT to use expletives around her. Now she'll say things like "Oh dear!" and "Good Heavens!" from hearing me say it and it's hilarious. She will basically parrot everything you say to her. My Mom thought she was just saying words without understanding them but then one night in the bath we somehow got on the topic of opposites and she knew them all! "What's the opposite of UP?" "DOWN!" she says proudly. She knew black/white, girl/boy, cold/hot, near/far, hello/goodbye, awake/asleep, happy/sad. She knew all of them. Even ones I never expected her to recognize. Even ones I tried to trick her with. She does have a couple of books on opposites but I was using ones that weren't even in the book. She isn't just saying words. She understands them. One day when I said to her "You don't understand." she said "I understand, Mama. I understand." And I think she does. People say that kids shouldn't watch TV but I don't think it's hurt her at all. If anything it's taught her a lot. I only ever have it on Treehouse (aside from when I watch The Bachelorette!) She responds back to shows like Dora and the Bubble Guppies when they'll ask a question. It's educational. And I know she learned a lot of her vocabulary from watching Disney movies and "Shrek." Princess now even goes around singing "Someday my Prince will come" from Snow White and the lantern song in "Tangled" (Rapunzel.) One day she was singing something about coming back and shadows. "What are you singing baby?" Then I realized it was part of "Danny Boy" -- from my Mom singing it to her in the car on the way to the store. "But come ye back when Summer's in the meadow" -- she didn't have all the words exactly but it was pretty close. "How old is she?!" someone asked me in a store the other day after they heard her talking. "Just turned 22 months." "She's a GENIUS!" they said. Perhaps. Unfortunately there's a fine line between genius and insanity. And she crosses that line, let me tell you.

I was reading to Michelle before she was even born. My Mom said she read to me in utero and I really thought there was something to it. I know that's one of the most important things I did for her. Michelle loves books. I got her a big book of fairy tales and now she loves pretending to read The Three Little Pigs, The Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood and has me read them to her OVER and OVER again. I'll watch her sitting with the book, turning the pages carefully, reciting the story in so much detail she could be reading it. I think that's why she has me read them so much. She's trying to memorize them. I wish I could catch her on camera but as soon as she sees the camera she stops. When I teach her a new word (which is rare now because she knows just about everything) Michelle is excited, as though I've given her a gift. Once in a while there's a random word (like hospital) that I realize has just never come up in conversation. She was saying "panino" for piano until I corrected her and then she said it right. One word she chooses to say her own way and my Mom and I have not been able to cure her of: she says "MIND!" instead of "MINE!" and you can't convince her otherwise. Everything is hers by the way. The house we live in, the car I drive, my makeup, everything is Michelle's. "Mind!" she'll exclaim and grab at whatever it is. "You mean MINE without the D but you're mistaken anyway. It's not yours." She screws up her nose and says "MIND!" all the more defiantly. "Whatever."

One big change since my last post is that Michelle LOVES going to the playground now and loves the swings and the slide. We go every day that it's nice out. When Spring started she was timid at the park -- wouldn't go on the swings at all, wanted my help to go up the slides. When another child came near her she'd run and hide behind my leg and even say "I'm shy." Now she loves the swings and the slides and goes up and down herself. She's more outgoing with other kids as well. There are a couple of friendly girls at the park that she plays with and she even says "hi" to kids she doesn't know now. She went up to a group of boys under the slide one day and said "Hi!" (I will have to warn her not to be too friendly with boys as she gets older!)














































































I am still in awe that we're into June already. April and May just flew by. Time goes so quickly. Between occasions and working and working out and trying to keep up with a speedy twenty-two month old, life has been sheer mayhem! Somehow writing this brings peace to the chaos. It is my way of putting our lives in order. These are the Coles Notes of our life stories. I'm going to try to do a post a month so I'll leave June for the next one. Hopefully I get it done before August!

When I look at Michelle now, she's looking more and more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her personality (very headstrong, dramatic, larger than life) shines through. She can be a monster. And it's not easy to deal with, especially on my own. Sometimes I feel stressed and overwhelmed. It is a strain on me never getting a break. No vacation. No time to myself. So many women have said they need that time for their own sanity (a break in the afternoon to meet a friend for lunch or get their nails done etc.) My workouts have become my "me time" though I'm often having to do them with her underfoot, worrying am I going to accidentally clock her in the head. (I tried to wait til she was in bed at night except that she often doesn't settle down til the wee hours of the morning and then I'm too exhausted.)

Life with Michelle may be more challenging than anything I've ever experienced but it is also more joyful. I am incredibly grateful to have this little girl in my life. At her worst, she is very trying and sometimes almost pushes me over the edge but at her best she is an angel, the most extraordinary person I've ever known and I feel so blessed to have her.

When she says "I love you Mommy" and hugs me tight, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. And it's worth all that I've given up and all that I do. It's worth months and years of mayhem and struggle and sacrifice. It's worth anything. She is my life now. I'm owned by a 22 month old. And that's OK.

Baby, you're worth it!

I've been told that being a Mom is the hardest job I'll ever have and the most rewarding. My life has already been turned upside down in ways I never imagined possible. Physically, emotionally and mentally, this baby has taken me over! But I surrender control. Baby, you're worth it! It's amazing how your priorities, your lifestyle, every aspect of your life begins to change, but it feels right. You are becoming a different person and the things that used to seem so important aren't as significant.

I still have to sell my car. The payments are killing me and to continue paying for a car that I haven't driven in months (my parents gave me their old car to use and the MX5 has been stored in their garage since December) and that I wouldn't be able to drive with the baby (or even for 12 years as a single Mom. You can't put a carseat in a 2-seater!) is painful. I've been trying to sell it online. Unfortunately, buyers usually want to negotiate. Because I have to get what's still owing on it, there really isn't room for negotiation. It's a nearly new car. People don't usually buy/sell a car after only a year or so. I'm trying not to panic. I know that things have a way of working out. But I need to sell the car ASAP. If you know anyone who lives in the GTA (specifically Oakville, Ontario, Canada) and is in the market for an almost new Mazda MX5 convertible, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! Write to me at amp2sell@gmail.com
Here's the ad on Kijiji:
http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-cars-vehicles-cars-trucks-2010-Mazda-MX-5-Miata-GX-Convertible-W0QQAdIdZ386622847

I've made changes around the house. My sleek glass and chrome coffee table has been replaced by a much more kid-friendly leather ottoman with storage for toys. The nursery is painted and set up (just waiting for my brother in law to deliver the crib, rocker, change table.) All the baby's clothes have been washed in special baby detergent and organized in the dresser and closet by size/age. I suspect I'll be doing even more nesting as time goes on. I felt ambitious and cleaned the garage a couple of weeks ago. I washed the floors for the first time in a long while.



40 lbs heavier...so far!


Of course the biggest changes have been in me, physically and mentally. I've gained 40 lbs. It's still kind of surreal to me when I look at myself in the mirror. From the neck up, I'm still me. From the neck down I wouldn't recognize myself! My chest, stomach and legs are bigger than I ever could have imagined. And I still have more than a month to go! For the most part I've enjoyed being pregnant but it is a challenge and the bigger I get the more difficult everything is. Breathing. Moving. Mentally it's harder to concentrate. They called it "baby brain" at work. Admittedly I have been a little distracted/absent-minded...



Last yr & hopefully later this year!



One day I was at the mall and got a couple of cute little outfits at the children's store. I decided to walk to the video store at the other end of the mall. I have apparently lost my copy of Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred" and I want to have it on hand for after the baby. As soon as I get the OK from my doctor to work out after delivery, I'm doing it. I lost 15 lbs on it last time. I'm determined to get my shape back.

Anyway, I was happy to find that the store had the DVD but when I went to pay for it, my heart sank. My credit card was missing! OMG! I panicked. I realized I must have left it at the children's store, at the complete opposite end of the mall. "I'll be back," I told the cashier. She saw the panicked look in my eyes and my eight month pregnant belly and warned "Don't run! Take your time." But I had to hurry. What if the card wasn't there? What if someone picked it up/stole it? My heart was pounding. I was at a walking run but it was difficult with the large belly. On top of that, my ribs were aching, I had trouble breathing. My feet and legs were numb, swollen. The pressure in my pelvis/abdomen was unbearable. I was afraid I'd go into labour. I was sweating, out of breath, must have looked a sight. By the time I got back to the store I was almost in tears. I could barely speak. "I" gasp "forgot" pant "my" wheeze "credit card!" There it was still sticking out of the machine. Most machines tell you to please remove your card before the receipt prints. This one, sadly, did not. I have never left my credit card. Then again I've never been pregnant (and never thought I would be!), this is the first time I've experienced "baby brain." I was so relieved to have my card back. I sat down on a bench outside the store to catch my breath. My feet were purple. Somehow I had to make it to the other end of the mall to buy my workout DVD. Ironically this was the biggest workout I'd had in 8 months!

Yes life is definitely different this June. Last year I was hitting the beach, wearing a different bikini every day, driving with the top down, dating a tall blond sunkissed Hungarian god. This year I'm alone, driving my parents' old Hyundai, sporting a big ole belly, wearing maternity clothes. I haven't been to the beach yet. I'm not quite as anxious to go now that my legs are twice the size and stark white. I still love the sun but I'm feeling the heat a lot more with the extra weight. I can't date (though this is just as well. My baby girl is keeping me out of trouble for a change! I needed a break from men!) I can't go out dancing. I can't do my yoga. (Well I could manage some of the positions I suppose, but certainly not the headstand which I was doing daily before. Most of the positions are impossible or extremely uncomfortable so I've just avoided it until I get my shape, strength, balance and flexibility back.) Easily exhausted, there is a lot less I can do. Work is more difficult. It's uncomfortable sitting for 12 hour shifts now with a sore back, heartburn, pain in my ribs, swollen legs and feet. And those embarassingly frequent trips to the bathroom (sometimes almost running to make it!) And mentally I often feel like my head is in a fog. There is so much on my mind it's harder to concentrate. Sometimes I forget the simplest things, like my password to log on to the computer. Baby brain.

When I overdo it these days I usually suffer afterward so I try to take it easy when I can. Sometimes I'll put my feet up and watch TV. "The Bachelorette" is the only show I make a point of watching. I am a reality TV junkie. Watching TLC's "A Baby Story" is usually a bad idea. I always end up crying at the birth. It's a bit melancholy as well always seeing happy couples awaiting their new arrival. The only episode I saw where the woman was alone was a widow whose hubby was killed by a roadside bomb while overseas. She was clutching his dog tags while in labour. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in my situation, (abandoned by the baby's deadbeat dad when I was four months pregnant) but I've talked to other single Moms and learned that it's actually quite common. Apparently a lot of men discover at some point during the pregnancy that they aren't ready or willing to be fathers and skip out.

I've been reading more lately too. Sitting out on the garden swing my Mom gave me. I heard about a book called "Rattled" by Christine Coppa. It's a memoir of her journey through pregnancy. I ordered it from Chapters and loved it. Christine was 26 and living the life of her dreams -- living in New York City, working at Glamour magazine, having fun with friends and dating a cute guy. Then suddenly she becomes pregnant unexpectedly, after just a few months of dating her new beau. Initially she's shocked and terrified. The baby's father seems enthusiastic and supportive in the beginning. Shortly thereafter however, he gets cold feet, has a change of heart and realizes he's not ready to be a father. He leaves her and even after the child is born, he opts not to be a part of their lives. Though she has to give up her lifestyle (living in NYC, pulling all nighters drinking with her friends) and move to the suburbs, she soon realizes that all the changes are worth it. Her baby boy, Jack Domenic is the best thing that ever happened to her. I found myself smiling and giggling at her humour, moved to tears by her warmth and honesty, inspired by her strength. Funny, poignant and engaging, her story proves how sometimes it's the unexpected detours in life that become the best things in your life. Though she was much younger than me I could relate to her situation. Getting pregnant was the biggest shock of my life, being abandoned by the baby's father was the next one, yet I know that it was all meant to be this way, that I am already a stronger, better person for it and that this baby will be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I do want to be prepared. I continue to get things ready for the baby. I just finished my last mermaid painting for the nursery. I had three large square canvases (a gift from the Hungarian god last year) and hadn't gotten around to painting. The baby inspired me to paint again. I had a vision of an ocean theme with mermaids and seahorses. I did a series of three canvases featuring mermaids with babies. I'm obsessed with the tropical/ocean theme. It's gradually taken over my entire house! Every room has some little touches. Turquoise walls and seahorse salt and pepper shakers in the kitchen, shells and fish and a tropical shower curtain in the bathroom. Tropical colours, plants and paintings in my bedroom. Even my backyard was transformed into a beach. I had always dreamed of living on an island. This was my way of bringing the island to me.

my bathroom



My bedroom. I painted an ocean view!



I'm always excited when I find new little ocean-themed items for the baby. Fish. Mermaids. Books and toys. I got a little book called "Mister Seahorse" by Eric Carle. It's a sweet little story. I had always been obsessed with seahorses but I never realized that with seahorses, it is actually the father that carries the babies! The female deposits the eggs into the male's pouch where he carries them for up to 45 days until the baby seahorses emerge fully developed. So the daddy gets to have a pregnant belly for a change! Once the babies are in the water however, apparently daddy's role is done and he takes off. The story makes it sound a little more cute and cuddly than that. It ends with Mr. Seahorse saying "I do love you, but now you are ready to be on your own." If only my baby's father had given us a goodbye like that.

It's a good thing that M didn't stick around because I'm sure he wouldn't have been too thrilled about his "office" being turned into the nursery. And God knows what kind of nursery theme he would have wanted. Skull and crossbones? Scorpions? He didn't share my love of bright, happy colours and cute things. I'm sure he's living in a dark dungeon of sorts somewhere with his swords and scorpions.

My Mom thinks I'm going overboard with the whole ocean theme. She can be critical sometimes. We were looking at crib bedding and she was pointing out how many other cute themes there are -- giraffes and elephants, monkeys, ladybugs, flowers. I just shook my head. It's my baby, my house, my choice! "What if the baby doesn't like fish?" she asked. I just rolled my eyes at her. Of course my baby is going to love tropical fish and seahorses and the ocean and mermaids. She'll love dolls and ballet and art and music. She's going to be a girlie girl like her Mama and we are going to live on a beach in a tropical paradise someday! So there!

So the nursery is just about done. I've finished reading all my pregnancy, birth and childcare books. I've done my homework but somehow I still don't feel prepared. As time goes by, I get increasingly nervous about labour, about caring for the baby. The reality starts to hit me. Months ago, I could think of it as something coming up on the horizon. It felt like I had so much time. Now July is sneaking up on me and I'm afraid. Am I ready? I had a dream that I was looking after a baby (in the dream it wasn't clear whether it was actually my baby or just some random baby I was looking after). There were no diapers and the baby just kept pooing. It just kept coming out. Little brown turds. Like a chocolate factory. I didn't know what to do. There wasn't even a garbage can or a toilet nearby. I had baby wipes but nothing else. I guess it represents my fear of being unprepared and feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'm afraid of the constant diaper changes. Or maybe it's because of all my own trips to the bathroom recently. Of course I do have a stash of diapers for the baby already. I'm prepared with an arsenal of supplies -- diapers, wipes, cream, baby wash, lotion.

It's no wonder I'm nervous. I always experienced anxiety/stage fright before any impending change or upcoming event. This is by far the biggest event of my life, the biggest change. This was a responsibility I never expected to be taking on. I didn't plan to have kids. Fear was the main reason. Fear of responsibility, fear or pain, fear of change, fear of a tiny human taking over my life and me not being able to handle it. Of course I am excited too. It's a rollercoaster. It's terrifying and you scream but it's exhilarating and you feel so alive. This baby is a blessing, a miracle and I am incredibly grateful. At the same time, yeah, I'm scared! I used to worry about getting up on stage. And that's nothing. The worst that can happen is you forget your words and become a little embarassed. This is too important. I can't mess this up. This is someone's life. And it's a lot of pressure to be doing it on my own. Finances are a stress. How will we manage? I try not to panic. I know God will take care of me. He has so far. I just have to take it one day at a time. Somehow things will work out. For a recovering control freak, fear of the unknown is huge. This is such a drastic shift for me. I've been living for me, for four decades. I had relationships but never got married. I was always afraid to be alone but ironically also feared commitment. This is the biggest commitment ever. This is for life. I'm living for someone else now. And will I be a good Mom? I have to be. I am excited. I love my baby already. I can't wait to meet her. It's just scary. I'm a creature of habit. Change is always difficult. Even when it's a change for the better.

I just need to relax and trust that everything will be OK. Control what you can. Let the rest go. Go with the flow. You learn as you go. I don't have to know everything. I don't have to be perfect. It's not like preparing for a play where you learn your lines or a gig where you have your setlist. Improv always stressed me out in drama class. I didn't like thinking on my feet. I wanted to know what was coming next. Wanted to be prepared. The truth is you can't plan life to the letter. Even when you try, the unexpected can happen. That's part of the magic of life. Sometimes it surprises you with something better than you could have planned. You don't know what each day will bring. That's what makes it such an adventure. Baby will be calling the shots. It isn't up to me. I will learn as I go.

Even on my worst day, even when it's tough physically, emotionally, mentally, baby, you are worth it! I know that this was meant to be and that my whole life, all the adventures I've lived through were all just to lead me to this, to you. You are the best part of my journey. I wrote this song for you -- "Baby you're worth it..."

I am so excited about the baby. I have visions of us together. Snuggling her as a baby, running on the beach with her when she's a bit older. Singing to her, dancing with her, laughing with her. Sometimes I am so overcome with joy that it brings tears to my eyes.

It is still a shock. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I am going to have a baby. I am going to fall in love with someone precious, innocent. I am going to open my heart so wide it feels like I may be torn in half. And it will be blissful, liberating, frightening. I am going to feel a bond like none I've ever felt, because this person is literally part of me. I am going to see the world through new eyes again, experience the magic and wonder of life anew. I am going to teach and learn so much. It is such a gift. And the bliss will be worth the stress. I am going to experience the greatest miracle this life has to offer -- creating life. I am going to be a mother!