A day at the beach!

The beach is an entirely different experience with a baby. It used to be a leisurely day, relaxing on the sand, feeling the warm sun on my skin, listening to the waves, diving into the water for a swim, floating on my back and looking up at the blue sky. I even did yoga on the beach sometimes. It was my Zen space. My happy place. Now it's frantic, stressful, chasing an 11 month old baby around on the sand, trying to keep her from falling in pit holes, trying to get the sand out of her hair, not a moment to relax. It was still a lot of fun but quite exhausting.

It was our first trip to the beach. It was my niece Evie's birthday and my brother Mike decided we should all meet at Wasaga Beach then head back to his place for a barbecue. Everyone thought it was a great idea. We'd never had a day at the beach as a family, the whole gang, not since we were kids. I had been wanting to go to a beach for a while but was nervous how Michelle would be. She doesn't like long car trips (usually she doesn't make it through even an hour long car ride without screaming at some point) and she was afraid to walk on the sand (she refused to step on the sand in my little backyard beach) so I was concerned it might be a fiasco with her screaming like a banshee the whole time.

I picked up my parents and we headed to Wasaga. I figured if Michelle started to fuss I had both my Mom and Dad to entertain her in the backseat. I also had an arsenal of toys and treats for her for the trip. To my pleasant surprise she SLEPT THE WHOLE WAY!!! It was perfectly timed during her morning nap. My Mom initially complained about my having the window open (because of the pollution etc) but then conceded that it worked like a charm as white noise for Michelle. Though we had left a little later than we were supposed to we still made it in time to meet Mike in the parking lot. In fact we even got there sooner than my brother Chris and my sister May. It was strange having all of us together. I was concerned we'd never find enough space on the beach for our three ring circus with tents and all. Mike cleverly directed us to one of the less travelled and more family friendly beaches. It was almost empty (on a WEEKEND NO LESS!) We were able to erect our own little village (my sister, my Mom and I all had beach tents) right by the water. It was beautiful.

Of course I had to get a group photo as a souvenir of this historic event. Barb's friend snapped a few for us just to be sure. It's hard to get that many people looking. I didn't realize Michelle had her hand blocking her face in all of them. It was very hard to get everyone to pose at one time. My Dad disappeared taking a long walk down the beach. Some people would be in the water and others out then they'd switch. We were never together all at once. Finally they were packing up and almost ready to leave and I insisted "We HAVE to get a group photo!" (They know me by now and if there hadn't been anyone to take it I would have found something to set the camera on and used the self-timer.)

My days of lounging in the sun are definitely over. The first thing I did once we got to the beach (which incidentally took a 10 minute walk from the parking lot where we met with us all pushing strollers, pulling wagons and carting a lot of baggage) was put up the tent so Michelle would have some shade. Then I got her dressed in her little swimsuit (which isn't easy. Bathing suits are made tight and are hard enough to get on yourself. Trying to pull straps over the shoulders and head of a wriggling baby is close to impossible!) and swim diapers. Then I slathered her from head to toe with sunblock, SPF 60. Obviously I had to protect my sensitive little redhaired girl. I got a bad burn when I was a child so I wasn't going to take any chances with her. She was getting impatient so when it came time to put sunblock on myself I just slapped a bit on here and there and missed many spots. Not surprisingly, Michelle's skin was protected but Mama got a really bad sunburn, mostly on my back and the backs of my legs.
"How do you get a burn on the backs of your legs?" someone asked me. It was the first time in my life that I had. "Because I never got to sit down. I spent the whole time chasing Michelle around!"

My fears of Michelle being afraid to walk on the sand were obviously unfounded. She loved it. She was RUNNING on the sand. Luckily the beach where we were had really compacted sand so you didn't sink into it. It was hard and easy to walk (or run) on. Michelle just took off. She probably could have walked from one end of the beach to the other. She'd go up to groups of strangers, right up to their chairs. Everyone made a fuss of her. "Awww look at the baby!" "How cute!" "I love her little tutu!"






















It was amazing to see the excitement in her face. Everything was new and magical to her. She was pointing at everything. Windsurfers -- their colourful sails dancing in the sky, seagulls strutting along the beach then flying away as we approached them, waves on the water. Mostly she just seemed thrilled at the amount of space. The beach looked big to me. To her it must have seemed immense, an entire planet. She loves to walk and to run in open space. So far the biggest space has been my Mom's backyard and once she got over her fear of the feel of grass on her bare feet, she was running amok. Now on the beach she realized she could keep going and going and never hit a wall or a fence. I could barely keep up with her. Every so often she'd hit a little hole or uneven spot before I could stop or redirect her. She would fall and get right back up again. It didn't seem to bother her. It was stressful to me though because the sunblock was like glue and the sand stuck to it so she was covered in sand. Her hair, her chest, her hands, her legs. I thought I could just wash her off in the water. That didn't quite work out...



















Though she loved the sand, Michelle was NOT a fan of the water. She loves bubble baths at home but she has never been in water that wasn't at least lukewarm. Georgian Bay was cold and choppy with big waves. When I tried taking Michelle in to the water, she started to cry so I didn't get swimming at all. I didn't get to go into the bay beyond my legs.

I definitely want to try taking her to the beach again soon (probably something closer like Burlington Beach though). She didn't like grass or sand at first either and now she loves them so maybe she just has to get used to the water too.

All in all it went far better than I had expected. My Mom complained that it was too windy and cold near the water and she was bundled up in a jacket but I found it quite refreshing. I had been stifling in 40 degree heat at home with no A/C for several days so I was quite relieved the heat wave was over and I didn't mind the wind, the waves or the cold water. I also stayed warm with all the exercise I was doing. Running after Michelle was definitely a workout. She's my new personal trainer!

After a few hours at the beach we all packed up and headed back to Mike's place for a BBQ and birthday celebration for Evie.

I was happy to see that Michelle no longer makes strange. She even let my brother Chris, her godfather hold her. It was quite a surprise because up until now she hasn't even let my Dad hold her. She doesn't see a lot of men and doesn't seem to trust them. Chris said he doesn't mind if she doesn't trust men and when she's older he will tell her to stay clear of them anyway. Probably good advice after my experience in that department! I don't see any men in my life any time soon.

Though the day was a lot of fun I still found myself stressing about things like sand being stuck in Michelle's hair, spilling food etc. My brother Mike gave me some parenting advice. "You have to learn to let go. You have to let them get messy and don't worry about it." Evie came out to the deck with chocolate all over her face, in her hair and on her shirt. Obviously she had been licking the bowl for her brownie cake. Part of me wanted to run over to her with a damp cloth and scrub her down but I started to understand what Mike was saying. I don't know that I'll ever be quite that laid back but I admit I do need to lighten up a little (OK, a LOT!) Mike said that one day he was at work and didn't even realize that he had chocolate on his shoulder. Sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders (chocolate covered and all) and say "Oh well." The world won't end if there's a little chocolate or sand in your hair.

I let Michelle walk around on the deck in the backyard. My Mom didn't even want me to do that. She thought the boards were too far apart and Michelle would get her toes stuck. My Mom was always a worrier. I know that I inherited some (OK a LOT) of that tendency but I don't want to hold Michelle back from learning and exploring so I try to make a conscious effort to let her do things as long as I'm right there to catch her if she falls and to keep her out of trouble. It's a tough balance. I let Michelle run around the backyard as well but stopped her short when she got too close to where Allie (my brother's dog) had just done a poo. Messy or not I definitely draw the line at feces!

Evie opened her presents and was happy with the dollhouse I got for her. Everyone loved it. I got a really good deal on it (less than half price). I wish I'd gotten one for Michelle but I thought it's so big to try to store until she's old enough to appreciate it.

At the end of the day it was an even longer drive back home and I was relieved that Michelle slept the whole way, again with the windows open and the wind noise to soothe her to sleep. She had also likely exhausted herself with all that running around. Something about the beach that really tires you out as well.

I am so grateful for my big crazy family and happy that we got to share a day together at the beach. It would be nice to share more adventures as a group.

This weekend I'll be having the whole gang over to my place for Michelle's birthday party. That will be an adventure in itself. Michelle's First Birthday. I still can't believe it. The past year has gone by so fast.

During rough times (and I've had my share lately) what keeps me going is the love of family -- Michelle my little family of two, and my big family -- especially my Mom and my sister, who I am the closest to. No matter what happens I know that they are there for me, to listen, to understand, to make me laugh, to remind me that it's all going to be OK, to remind me how lucky I am to have them in my life.

I hope that I can learn to be a little more laid back. Learn to let go. Not worry so much. Life is messy. It's not the end of the world. At the end of the day if you've enjoyed yourself then it doesn't really matter if you've got a little sand or a little chocolate in your hair. The important thing is that you've lived. Experience all that you can. Save the cleaning up for later.

Just Say No

When I was growing up, it seemed like my Mom never said yes. Everything you'd ask her to buy or ask if you could do, the answer was "No." She told me that my first word was "No" and I figured it was from hearing her say it so much. I always thought of my Mom as very negative. I wanted to be a positive Mom, to come from a place of "Yes." These days, as the Mom of a curious, wobbling, grabbing 8 month old baby, however I'm realizing that sometimes you have to just say "No." Several hundred times a day! Michelle is CONSTANTLY grabbing everything in sight. My glasses (which she's broken so I'm going to try switching back to contacts), my hair, my face, my clothes, the phone, remote controls, nightlights, books, the mail. Anything in her path. I try to keep dangerous things out of her path. Some things I let her away with. "Oh look she's chewing on a DVD. Oh well." If it isn't going to hurt her or break anything, I figure there's no harm in letting her explore. She wanted to help me sort my mail. I let her crumple and tear up junk mail but I drew the line at ripping my insurance papers. I've put outlet covers on all the plugs which is good because she is fascinated by everything on the wall. Even the switch plate where a central vac would go. I don't know why she reaches for it. It isn't even remotely interesting. It's just a plain white rectangular plate with nothing on it. But it's at her eye level and she stops at it every time we take our walk (with me helping her) down the hallway.

It's a good thing I didn't cut all the tags off of her toys because 9 times out of 10, the tag is her favourite part. It can be a stuffed toy with multiple colours and items on it to play with -- rings and beads and bells and whistles -- but she'll turn it over and play with the plain white tag. She has a little baby laptop computer with all sorts of buttons that make different sounds and lights. Her favourite thing to do is to turn it over and look at the bottom, which is plain and has nothing on it aside from the battery compartment which (thankfully) is screwed shut. I try not to argue with her or discourage her when she's not playing with a toy "properly." I figure whatever makes her happy. I do try to show her though what other things it can do when you don't have it upside down.

There was a small window of time between when she was a newborn and now that it was a little easier. When Michelle could sit up on her own but not yet stand or crawl, I could sit her on the blanket with her toys and she would entertain herself for a few minutes while I did the dishes etc. It was a godsend. Those days are gone now. I can't leave her for an instant because now she's pulling up and she could fall. So I have to be there every second. I try to have pillows around but I still can't possibly cover everything so I have to be there. The crawling was bad enough, at least she couldn't get hurt. I've been good about keeping the basement door closed. The difficult part is remembering to open it again to let the cat up and down when she needs to use the litterbox. The pulling up is scary because she can stand for a bit but then suddenly just falls over and if I'm not there to catch her fall she could bang her head. I tried training her to fall on her butt. "Fall on your bum and you don't get hurt!" I sang to her. I figured if I make a song of it the message might stick. It made her laugh but I don't know if she was really getting the concept. She did go from standing back to sitting several times but then I was there to guide her.

One day I had my Mom watch her while I went to an appointment. I figured I am going to have to leave her eventually so I better get used to it in small doses at least. It's also helpful to me to be able to get things done once in a blue moon without carting her around. I was nervous about it. Even though my Mom has raised 4 kids I still worry. When I got home I kissed and kissed Michelle as though we'd been apart for a year. Meanwhile, Michelle had been having a lovely time with Grandma and Grandpa. My Mom said that Michelle even stood ON HER OWN! Not even holding onto anything. Great. So I'm there 24-7 and I leave for an hour and Michelle has a milestone with Grandma?! That's not fair! I don't want to miss anything. Also upsetting was the fact that Michelle kissed Grandma several times (she doesn't really get the puckering action but she leans in and puts her mouth on my Mom's cheek which is very cute but made me jealous.) I'm her Mom. I do everything for her, devote my life to her 100%. Where's MY kiss? She did end up giving me a kiss too but I was still hurt that she made such a fuss of my Mom. She also didn't dig her nails into my Mom, or pull off her glasses, or give her a hard time while she was being changed. "She was good as gold," my Mom bragged, "a little angel." Now of course logically I understand. Michelle doesn't see my Mom as often so she would make more of a fuss of her. She takes me for granted because I'm always there. As far as acting up is concerned, my Mom said it's common for kids to give their parents the most grief and to behave better for others because they know they can get away with things with Mom but they're not so sure with someone else. Well it doesn't seem fair to me. Part of it is also the time of day. Michelle can be an angel for me too in the early afternoon but then during her cranky time (usually early evening) it's another story. If my Mom was looking after her all day I'm sure she'd see a wide range of behaviour, from Jekyll to Hyde, as I see on a daily basis.

For a while there Michelle was sleeping really well -- going to bed at a decent hour and staying asleep except to nurse and then going right back to sleep. Then all of a sudden, she was back to her old tricks -- either staying up late or falling asleep early but then waking up in the middle of the night and not settling down. One night she was asleep by 8 PM and I thought, "This is great!" I got the dishes and laundry done, had a shower, checked my emails etc. When I went to bed at 11 PM however, she woke up 5 minutes later and wouldn't go back to sleep. She sat up as though it was morning and the day was starting. I tried explaining to her that it wasn't morning, that it was night and that Mama was exhausted and was just about to go to sleep. She wasn't getting it.

Sleep deprivation, someone once told me, has been used as an instrument of torture. Sometimes it does feel like Michelle is deliberately trying to torture me. Of course I know that she's a baby and she doesn't know any better. She can't help it if she wakes up, right? But there are times that I know she's tired -- she's rubbing her eyes and everything -- and she still doesn't sleep. Then other days you get lucky and she sleeps like an angel. It's inexplicable. You just never know how it might go. You hope for the best. I usually nap with her when she has her morning nap but when I have to go somewhere or do something I don't always get to do that. On no sleep, I find that I am much more stressed, much more fragile. I could cry at the drop of a hat and everything just seems worse.

My Mom always said that once a baby starts solid food, they sleep better through the night. It was true overall, at least for a while. I think now that Michelle is learning to stand and wanting to explore so much that her mind is more active so maybe it's harder to settle down and to stay asleep. I am grateful for the nights that she sleeps well so that I'm able to get things done and catch some sleep myself. I just have to muddle through the nights where she doesn't sleep and try not to let it get to me. Some days when I find myself feeling really down or anxious I remind myself how exhaustion can affect me. I just don't function as well on no sleep.

I have to realize that Michelle is going through a lot --learning so much in so short a time. A few months ago she learned to sit on her own and now it's like she's been doing it forever. Standing and walking will become second nature too but while she's still learning and wobbly and falling, it's a tough process for her to go through and takes a lot of her physical and mental energy. Each day now it seems she figures something else out. Before she used to just knock the stacking rings over and chew on them. Now she actually tries (and sometimes succeeds though it may just be a fluke) to put them back on. She used to just look at the pictures when I read to her but now she seems to look curiously at the words so I started pointing to each word as I read it and she seemed fascinated. She's learning to stand, wanting to walk, trying to communicate. She's on the verge of so many things. I know myself that when there's a lot on my mind I have a hard time sleeping, so why should she be different?

There was a moment where Michelle pulled herself up on the ottoman and then let go for a moment and stood. I was sitting right there, ready to grab her if she started to wobble but I let her be. She waved her hands in excitement, realizing that she was standing on her own, not holding anything. My heart was in my throat. "Yes!" I said encouragingly, "Clever girl! You're standing!" She looked quite proud of herself. I know that my heart will be in my throat for months. Afraid she's going to fall, ready to catch her. I suppose in a way, that feeling will remain for the rest of her life. My Mom says she still worries about me -- in my 40s but still her little girl and now with a little girl of my own. As we go through life there are many moments when we are uncertain, venturing into the unknown, moments where we may fall and get hurt. We can't let that stop us. We have to say "Yes" to life, even when it's scary. I don't want Michelle to ever get hurt but at the same time I have to make sure I'm not too overprotective. I have to give her room to grow and explore. I have to encourage her, to let go a little and let her take those wobbly steps on her own, even if she falls.