Fat Chance

My doctor basically told me there's no way I'm going to get my flat stomach back. I can work out and try to slim down somewhat but most likely my tummy will never return to its former (pre-pregnancy) state. It was depressing news but I didn't want to believe her. After all, I've seen celebrities who popped out babies and then returned to wearing bikinis a few months later, showing off their slim tanned tummies. Of course the majority of them didn't balloon up to nearly 200 lbs while they were pregnant. Some of them barely seemed to gain much at all, just had a cute little baby bump the size of a melon. Sickening, I tell you! On top of that most of them have tricks and tools at their disposal which I don't -- liposuction, personal trainers, a home gym, nutritionists, gourmet chefs who can cook healthy meals, airbrush artists who can correct their flaws in the magazines, etc.

Before becoming pregnant, I was 125 lbs. By the end of my pregnancy I'd gone up to 190 lbs!!! After having Michelle it seemed that I was shedding a lot of weight rather quickly. Of course 10 lbs was just the baby so that was gone instantly. Then another 10-20 lbs in blood and/or water weight came off within the first couple of weeks. Breastfeeding burns 500-700 calories a day and since Michelle wasn't really letting me eat, I was barely consuming enough to survive for the first month. Consequently I had lost 45 lbs before I knew it. "Just 20 more to go!" I thought, "this will be a breeze!" Yeah, not so much. Since Michelle is a little more manageable these days and I've found new ways to entertain/pacify her for a few minutes (including her bumbo chair, jumperoo, pacifier) I'm actually able to cook and eat meals now. It seems that the last 20 lbs is the hardest to lose. I plateaued at 145 lbs and have actually GAINED a few of pounds instead of losing more now. I was hoping to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 125. I'd settle for 130. Of course I'm not really helping matters. I haven't really been working out other than carrying Michelle around and I started doing a little yoga. And my eating habits haven't been stellar. I've given into temptation quite a few times. I've also heard that if you don't eat enough for a while your body goes into starvation mode and as soon as you do eat again, starts storing fat to keep from starving again. (One of the reasons deprivation diets don't work. Even if you lose in the short term it can't last. Eventually you will eat again and then you gain even more than before.)

During pregnancy my legs and feet blew up to nearly twice their size. If you read my previous posts while pregnant I even included photos but the pictures didn't do the feet justice. My feet and legs were MASSIVE! They were so swollen it was beyond cankles. They were tree trunks (and we're talking ancient trees with hundreds of rings from deep within untouched forest!) I was so relieved when the swelling did go down a week or so after giving birth. It was nice to see my old feet, ankles and legs again! Most of me did return to normal. Except my belly. I still look pregnant. Decidedly less so than I did in July but still somewhat pregnant. About five months pregnant. I'm still wearing my maternity jeans. They're just so darn comfy with that big elastic thing at the waist. I heard a model say many years ago that to stay (or get) slim you should wear your tightest jeans. That keeps you from eating too much during the day. If you have expanding pants with an elastic waist, you're more likely to expand to fit them. It makes sense. It's like when you eat too much turkey and have to undo your button. With a drawstring waist and no button to pop, you may be tempted to go for seconds or thirds. The turkey isn't the only thing to get stuffed! I could try the tight jean thing with one of my old pairs but I'd rather not walk around uncomfortable and unable to breathe. (As a sidebar, I knew someone who shall remain nameless, who used to wear jeans so skin tight they had to have assistance and a pair of pliers to pull the zipper up! That was the style in the 1970s-1980s...) Aside from the belly my breasts are bigger too but I don't mind them. They can stay. I didn't really have jugs before but then I didn't have milk either! I'm hoping they don't deflate like balloons once I stop breastfeeding...

It's harder to find things to wear these days. I try to wear things that are comfortable. I'm kind of in limbo between the pre-pregnant me and the pregnant me. Some things are too big, others too small. I was pleased that Michelle actually slept long enough for me to reorganize my closet the other day. I put away most of my maternity pants. I did keep my pair of medium maternity jeans which I wear almost daily. I tried on a lot of my old pre-pregnant jeans and pants and was disappointed to find that the majority of them were way too tight. I did find a few looser ones and low rise ones that leave room for my belly. I didn't want to get rid of my skinny jeans. I just put them away for now. I'm hoping maybe I will fit into them again one day. I also dug my sweaters out of hiding and put away the halter tops. I think it's safe to say that summer is well over. The leaves have turned and are falling. It's getting colder than ever. I finally broke down and put my furnace on.

I toyed with the idea of buying a girdle. I've never worn one. I'm not even sure they still sell them or if it was just something they had in the 1950s. I've only seen them on TV. I knew someone with a beer belly but it was hard as a rock. A lead belly! Not much you could do to conceal that but mine is soft and squishy so it can be squeezed in. I figure when I'm wearing clothes no one would know. Since I don't plan to date anytime soon it's not as though anyone is going to see my bare flabby stomach. But I want to be slim again, just for my own sense of well-being. Plus I still have a drawer full of bikinis that I don't want to get rid of. Part of me is hoping to prove my doctor wrong and show up at her office with six pack abs by next summer. Sure. Could happen. (Well no, I didn't even have a six pack before. I think it's harder for women to get them. I had a two pack at most.)

I was pleased to discover that I'm still able to do a headstand at least. I haven't entirely lost my strength, balance and coordination. I guess it's like riding a bicycle. You may be a little wobbly at first but once you learn it your muscles remember even years later. I am going to continue doing yoga and will try to do my headstand once a day as I did before. It is a great workout for your core. I feel all of my muscles tightening as I do it. Unfortunately I don't think it will be enough by itself to lose the "mommy tummy" so I'm also embarking on the "30 Day Shred" again. I've been putting it off because it's a rough workout (it nearly killed me when I did it years ago but it did help me to lose 15 lbs within a month before I went on my tropical vacation.) Of course these days, with the baby, it would be harder to find the time and the space to do the workout. That's what I tell myself as an excuse to keep procrastinating.

Aside from exercising there are of course other things I could be doing to help me lose weight, or at least not gain it. Buying Halloween candy ahead of time was monumentally stupid! I got a 90 pack of chocolate bars (I almost got the 40 pack and then thought "I don't want to run out on Halloween if there are a lot of kids") Yeah. Sure. It's just more for me to eat! There are still a few weeks til Halloween. How many chocolate bars do you think I'll actually have left to hand out to the kids?! Any? I should have waited to the last minute to buy Halloween treats. When I know there is chocolate in the house, it's almost impossible not to eat it. It beckons me from the cupboard. "Come on, just a few Smarties...You know you want to!" That's just way too much temptation. I've lost count how many I've actually consumed so far. The problem with those little bite size bars is that you lie to yourself. "Oh this isn't much! Look how small it is! This can't hurt!" After all, there are only 45 calories in a mini box of Smarties, 40 in an Aero (zero calories in the bubbles after all!) and 60 in Kit Kat and Coffee Crisp. So one by itself won't hurt you. But like they say about Lay's Potato Chips, you can't eat just one. You have enough of these suckers and it adds up. I don't know anyone on the planet who would have the discipline and self-control it would take to eat just ONE candy bar when there's a box of 90 (or 80 now...) just sitting there. This stuff is dangerous. I shouldn't have it in the house! Even as I type this I'm craving it!

I remember being a kid at Halloween and being so excited to come home with my haul, dump out the sack (usually a huge bag or pillow case) and then go back out for another round. Then at the end of the night you dump everything out and sort it into categories (the OCD organizer in me LOVED that) -- things you don't eat which get thrown away (dangerous homemade stuff or partly open packages that Mom forbade us to have as it may have razor blades in it, as well as Kiss candies and black licorice which I hated), chocolate bars, chips, hard candy, etc. And then you'd gorge yourself on about 20 candy bars and a few tubes of rockets and chips and cheesies (even though Mom said just have one of each. AS IF.) Back then I was lucky. I had such a fast metabolism I could eat anything I wanted, as much as I wanted, and never gain a pound. I was rail thin as a kid, still slim as a teen. It wasn't until I hit my 20s that I started to gain a little. Then much more in my 30s (I blame work. A Krispy Kreme opened near my work back then and guys kept bringing in boxes full. I was eating the plain honey glazed like they were going out of style. They melted in your mouth. I squished them down to the size of a Timbit so it didn't look so bad. God they were good! On top of that I was a shift worker and they say that messes up your metabolism and makes you gain weight because you're eating at strange times -- like having lunch at 2 a.m. on nightshift.) At 40 I managed to work out and get back to the best shape of my life, which I hadn't been since I was 20. Little did I know that I'd get pregnant and gain more weight than I ever thought possible. Being pregnant seemed a good excuse to eat. I wasn't exactly careful about calories. I figured it would all come off after I had the baby. I didn't realize how tough it would be to shed.

These days it isn't just my eating habits that are sabotaging me. It's my drinking habits. I have a weakness for sugar. I loves me some Coca-Cola! Especially in those delectable little glass bottles. Mind you, it's only 100 calories in a bottle but they're completely empty calories with no nutritional value whatsoever. (And yes I do limit my caffeine intake to 1 or 2 drinks a day. I don't drink coffee or tea. Coke is my one vice. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs either. I never did, even before the baby. Sugar is my addiction!) Add to that the healthy things that I drink -- several glasses of milk, which actually has 130 calories a glass and fruit juice which has 120 calories -- and I may have close to 1000 calories a day without even including food. 

And when it comes to food, it's hit and miss. I make some healthy choices (Special K cereal -- I even add flax seed meal to my cereal for an excellent source of OMEGA-3; asparagus; big garden salads with lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and carrots; bananas, blueberries, pears, tuna, chicken breasts, lean ground beef, whole wheat wraps, pasta etc) and some not so healthy -- hotdogs, burgers, pizza.  I do try to eat healthy for the baby's sake since I am breastfeeding. I make sure to have fruits and vegetables, protein and calcium every day. I'm still taking prenatal vitamins so hopefully I'm passing on to the baby all the vitamins and minerals she needs (also giving her vitamin D supplements since that's one thing lacking in breast milk) regardless of my diet. But of course I crave the junk foods and they're the quickest and easiest thing to grab. 

Photo by James Harvey



I do still have my little personal trainer but she's not quite as demanding as she used to be. And while she does give my arms a good workout, carrying, rocking and dancing her every day, I don't think it does much for my belly. My arms actually aren't too bad. They're about the same as they were before. I figure they'll be getting stronger as time goes on and Michelle gets heavier. But I need to do something for my abs. A healthy diet low in sugar and fat is the first step. Exercise is the second. I suppose I should be doing sit-ups. I've never liked them. It's hard to do something that isn't fun. At least yoga is somewhat enjoyable. Jillian Michaels workout is a trip through hell but at least following along with her DVD keeps you motivated. I just have to psych myself up to start it. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I remember how hard it was. There were times I thought I'd pass out from exhaustion. It burns about 500 calories. So between that and breastfeeding I should be good to go. I can even have a Big Mac and a bunch of Halloween chocolates. I don't want to do the workout in the basement because it's two flights of stairs away from Michelle (even with the monitor I wouldn't feel comfortable with that.) So I have to clear a place in the family room to do it and then hope that she gives me half an hour to get through it (mind you, I might be happy to have an excuse to stop!) I will do it and once I start I will commit to the full 30 days as I did last time. And with any luck I may lose 15 lbs like I did with the workout years ago.

I look back at my old bikini photos from last summer. I know that there's a fat chance (or a slim chance?) of me returning to my goal weight again after all that my body has been through but I'm going to try. I'm not going to let the doctor discourage me. Anything is possible if you want it badly enough. It just takes discipline and hard work. I just have to be more careful with my diet and if I slip up then just make up for it by exercising more. It's about balance. I will start to work out hardcore (very soon! Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day...) My motivation used to be looking good for Mr. Right. Now my motivation is just to feel good and to be healthy, for me and for my little girl. Something tells me once she's walking I'm really going to have to be in shape to keep up with her.



Baby, you're worth it!

I've been told that being a Mom is the hardest job I'll ever have and the most rewarding. My life has already been turned upside down in ways I never imagined possible. Physically, emotionally and mentally, this baby has taken me over! But I surrender control. Baby, you're worth it! It's amazing how your priorities, your lifestyle, every aspect of your life begins to change, but it feels right. You are becoming a different person and the things that used to seem so important aren't as significant.

I still have to sell my car. The payments are killing me and to continue paying for a car that I haven't driven in months (my parents gave me their old car to use and the MX5 has been stored in their garage since December) and that I wouldn't be able to drive with the baby (or even for 12 years as a single Mom. You can't put a carseat in a 2-seater!) is painful. I've been trying to sell it online. Unfortunately, buyers usually want to negotiate. Because I have to get what's still owing on it, there really isn't room for negotiation. It's a nearly new car. People don't usually buy/sell a car after only a year or so. I'm trying not to panic. I know that things have a way of working out. But I need to sell the car ASAP. If you know anyone who lives in the GTA (specifically Oakville, Ontario, Canada) and is in the market for an almost new Mazda MX5 convertible, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! Write to me at amp2sell@gmail.com
Here's the ad on Kijiji:
http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-cars-vehicles-cars-trucks-2010-Mazda-MX-5-Miata-GX-Convertible-W0QQAdIdZ386622847

I've made changes around the house. My sleek glass and chrome coffee table has been replaced by a much more kid-friendly leather ottoman with storage for toys. The nursery is painted and set up (just waiting for my brother in law to deliver the crib, rocker, change table.) All the baby's clothes have been washed in special baby detergent and organized in the dresser and closet by size/age. I suspect I'll be doing even more nesting as time goes on. I felt ambitious and cleaned the garage a couple of weeks ago. I washed the floors for the first time in a long while.



40 lbs heavier...so far!


Of course the biggest changes have been in me, physically and mentally. I've gained 40 lbs. It's still kind of surreal to me when I look at myself in the mirror. From the neck up, I'm still me. From the neck down I wouldn't recognize myself! My chest, stomach and legs are bigger than I ever could have imagined. And I still have more than a month to go! For the most part I've enjoyed being pregnant but it is a challenge and the bigger I get the more difficult everything is. Breathing. Moving. Mentally it's harder to concentrate. They called it "baby brain" at work. Admittedly I have been a little distracted/absent-minded...



Last yr & hopefully later this year!



One day I was at the mall and got a couple of cute little outfits at the children's store. I decided to walk to the video store at the other end of the mall. I have apparently lost my copy of Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred" and I want to have it on hand for after the baby. As soon as I get the OK from my doctor to work out after delivery, I'm doing it. I lost 15 lbs on it last time. I'm determined to get my shape back.

Anyway, I was happy to find that the store had the DVD but when I went to pay for it, my heart sank. My credit card was missing! OMG! I panicked. I realized I must have left it at the children's store, at the complete opposite end of the mall. "I'll be back," I told the cashier. She saw the panicked look in my eyes and my eight month pregnant belly and warned "Don't run! Take your time." But I had to hurry. What if the card wasn't there? What if someone picked it up/stole it? My heart was pounding. I was at a walking run but it was difficult with the large belly. On top of that, my ribs were aching, I had trouble breathing. My feet and legs were numb, swollen. The pressure in my pelvis/abdomen was unbearable. I was afraid I'd go into labour. I was sweating, out of breath, must have looked a sight. By the time I got back to the store I was almost in tears. I could barely speak. "I" gasp "forgot" pant "my" wheeze "credit card!" There it was still sticking out of the machine. Most machines tell you to please remove your card before the receipt prints. This one, sadly, did not. I have never left my credit card. Then again I've never been pregnant (and never thought I would be!), this is the first time I've experienced "baby brain." I was so relieved to have my card back. I sat down on a bench outside the store to catch my breath. My feet were purple. Somehow I had to make it to the other end of the mall to buy my workout DVD. Ironically this was the biggest workout I'd had in 8 months!

Yes life is definitely different this June. Last year I was hitting the beach, wearing a different bikini every day, driving with the top down, dating a tall blond sunkissed Hungarian god. This year I'm alone, driving my parents' old Hyundai, sporting a big ole belly, wearing maternity clothes. I haven't been to the beach yet. I'm not quite as anxious to go now that my legs are twice the size and stark white. I still love the sun but I'm feeling the heat a lot more with the extra weight. I can't date (though this is just as well. My baby girl is keeping me out of trouble for a change! I needed a break from men!) I can't go out dancing. I can't do my yoga. (Well I could manage some of the positions I suppose, but certainly not the headstand which I was doing daily before. Most of the positions are impossible or extremely uncomfortable so I've just avoided it until I get my shape, strength, balance and flexibility back.) Easily exhausted, there is a lot less I can do. Work is more difficult. It's uncomfortable sitting for 12 hour shifts now with a sore back, heartburn, pain in my ribs, swollen legs and feet. And those embarassingly frequent trips to the bathroom (sometimes almost running to make it!) And mentally I often feel like my head is in a fog. There is so much on my mind it's harder to concentrate. Sometimes I forget the simplest things, like my password to log on to the computer. Baby brain.

When I overdo it these days I usually suffer afterward so I try to take it easy when I can. Sometimes I'll put my feet up and watch TV. "The Bachelorette" is the only show I make a point of watching. I am a reality TV junkie. Watching TLC's "A Baby Story" is usually a bad idea. I always end up crying at the birth. It's a bit melancholy as well always seeing happy couples awaiting their new arrival. The only episode I saw where the woman was alone was a widow whose hubby was killed by a roadside bomb while overseas. She was clutching his dog tags while in labour. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in my situation, (abandoned by the baby's deadbeat dad when I was four months pregnant) but I've talked to other single Moms and learned that it's actually quite common. Apparently a lot of men discover at some point during the pregnancy that they aren't ready or willing to be fathers and skip out.

I've been reading more lately too. Sitting out on the garden swing my Mom gave me. I heard about a book called "Rattled" by Christine Coppa. It's a memoir of her journey through pregnancy. I ordered it from Chapters and loved it. Christine was 26 and living the life of her dreams -- living in New York City, working at Glamour magazine, having fun with friends and dating a cute guy. Then suddenly she becomes pregnant unexpectedly, after just a few months of dating her new beau. Initially she's shocked and terrified. The baby's father seems enthusiastic and supportive in the beginning. Shortly thereafter however, he gets cold feet, has a change of heart and realizes he's not ready to be a father. He leaves her and even after the child is born, he opts not to be a part of their lives. Though she has to give up her lifestyle (living in NYC, pulling all nighters drinking with her friends) and move to the suburbs, she soon realizes that all the changes are worth it. Her baby boy, Jack Domenic is the best thing that ever happened to her. I found myself smiling and giggling at her humour, moved to tears by her warmth and honesty, inspired by her strength. Funny, poignant and engaging, her story proves how sometimes it's the unexpected detours in life that become the best things in your life. Though she was much younger than me I could relate to her situation. Getting pregnant was the biggest shock of my life, being abandoned by the baby's father was the next one, yet I know that it was all meant to be this way, that I am already a stronger, better person for it and that this baby will be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I do want to be prepared. I continue to get things ready for the baby. I just finished my last mermaid painting for the nursery. I had three large square canvases (a gift from the Hungarian god last year) and hadn't gotten around to painting. The baby inspired me to paint again. I had a vision of an ocean theme with mermaids and seahorses. I did a series of three canvases featuring mermaids with babies. I'm obsessed with the tropical/ocean theme. It's gradually taken over my entire house! Every room has some little touches. Turquoise walls and seahorse salt and pepper shakers in the kitchen, shells and fish and a tropical shower curtain in the bathroom. Tropical colours, plants and paintings in my bedroom. Even my backyard was transformed into a beach. I had always dreamed of living on an island. This was my way of bringing the island to me.

my bathroom



My bedroom. I painted an ocean view!



I'm always excited when I find new little ocean-themed items for the baby. Fish. Mermaids. Books and toys. I got a little book called "Mister Seahorse" by Eric Carle. It's a sweet little story. I had always been obsessed with seahorses but I never realized that with seahorses, it is actually the father that carries the babies! The female deposits the eggs into the male's pouch where he carries them for up to 45 days until the baby seahorses emerge fully developed. So the daddy gets to have a pregnant belly for a change! Once the babies are in the water however, apparently daddy's role is done and he takes off. The story makes it sound a little more cute and cuddly than that. It ends with Mr. Seahorse saying "I do love you, but now you are ready to be on your own." If only my baby's father had given us a goodbye like that.

It's a good thing that M didn't stick around because I'm sure he wouldn't have been too thrilled about his "office" being turned into the nursery. And God knows what kind of nursery theme he would have wanted. Skull and crossbones? Scorpions? He didn't share my love of bright, happy colours and cute things. I'm sure he's living in a dark dungeon of sorts somewhere with his swords and scorpions.

My Mom thinks I'm going overboard with the whole ocean theme. She can be critical sometimes. We were looking at crib bedding and she was pointing out how many other cute themes there are -- giraffes and elephants, monkeys, ladybugs, flowers. I just shook my head. It's my baby, my house, my choice! "What if the baby doesn't like fish?" she asked. I just rolled my eyes at her. Of course my baby is going to love tropical fish and seahorses and the ocean and mermaids. She'll love dolls and ballet and art and music. She's going to be a girlie girl like her Mama and we are going to live on a beach in a tropical paradise someday! So there!

So the nursery is just about done. I've finished reading all my pregnancy, birth and childcare books. I've done my homework but somehow I still don't feel prepared. As time goes by, I get increasingly nervous about labour, about caring for the baby. The reality starts to hit me. Months ago, I could think of it as something coming up on the horizon. It felt like I had so much time. Now July is sneaking up on me and I'm afraid. Am I ready? I had a dream that I was looking after a baby (in the dream it wasn't clear whether it was actually my baby or just some random baby I was looking after). There were no diapers and the baby just kept pooing. It just kept coming out. Little brown turds. Like a chocolate factory. I didn't know what to do. There wasn't even a garbage can or a toilet nearby. I had baby wipes but nothing else. I guess it represents my fear of being unprepared and feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'm afraid of the constant diaper changes. Or maybe it's because of all my own trips to the bathroom recently. Of course I do have a stash of diapers for the baby already. I'm prepared with an arsenal of supplies -- diapers, wipes, cream, baby wash, lotion.

It's no wonder I'm nervous. I always experienced anxiety/stage fright before any impending change or upcoming event. This is by far the biggest event of my life, the biggest change. This was a responsibility I never expected to be taking on. I didn't plan to have kids. Fear was the main reason. Fear of responsibility, fear or pain, fear of change, fear of a tiny human taking over my life and me not being able to handle it. Of course I am excited too. It's a rollercoaster. It's terrifying and you scream but it's exhilarating and you feel so alive. This baby is a blessing, a miracle and I am incredibly grateful. At the same time, yeah, I'm scared! I used to worry about getting up on stage. And that's nothing. The worst that can happen is you forget your words and become a little embarassed. This is too important. I can't mess this up. This is someone's life. And it's a lot of pressure to be doing it on my own. Finances are a stress. How will we manage? I try not to panic. I know God will take care of me. He has so far. I just have to take it one day at a time. Somehow things will work out. For a recovering control freak, fear of the unknown is huge. This is such a drastic shift for me. I've been living for me, for four decades. I had relationships but never got married. I was always afraid to be alone but ironically also feared commitment. This is the biggest commitment ever. This is for life. I'm living for someone else now. And will I be a good Mom? I have to be. I am excited. I love my baby already. I can't wait to meet her. It's just scary. I'm a creature of habit. Change is always difficult. Even when it's a change for the better.

I just need to relax and trust that everything will be OK. Control what you can. Let the rest go. Go with the flow. You learn as you go. I don't have to know everything. I don't have to be perfect. It's not like preparing for a play where you learn your lines or a gig where you have your setlist. Improv always stressed me out in drama class. I didn't like thinking on my feet. I wanted to know what was coming next. Wanted to be prepared. The truth is you can't plan life to the letter. Even when you try, the unexpected can happen. That's part of the magic of life. Sometimes it surprises you with something better than you could have planned. You don't know what each day will bring. That's what makes it such an adventure. Baby will be calling the shots. It isn't up to me. I will learn as I go.

Even on my worst day, even when it's tough physically, emotionally, mentally, baby, you are worth it! I know that this was meant to be and that my whole life, all the adventures I've lived through were all just to lead me to this, to you. You are the best part of my journey. I wrote this song for you -- "Baby you're worth it..."

I am so excited about the baby. I have visions of us together. Snuggling her as a baby, running on the beach with her when she's a bit older. Singing to her, dancing with her, laughing with her. Sometimes I am so overcome with joy that it brings tears to my eyes.

It is still a shock. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I am going to have a baby. I am going to fall in love with someone precious, innocent. I am going to open my heart so wide it feels like I may be torn in half. And it will be blissful, liberating, frightening. I am going to feel a bond like none I've ever felt, because this person is literally part of me. I am going to see the world through new eyes again, experience the magic and wonder of life anew. I am going to teach and learn so much. It is such a gift. And the bliss will be worth the stress. I am going to experience the greatest miracle this life has to offer -- creating life. I am going to be a mother!