Mom's the word

Michelle and I had a nice Mother's Day celebrating with the family at my sister's house. It was a weird day for weather though. We'd been having such warm summery weather that the sudden blast of wintery cold wind was a shock. Even more surprising was the hailstorm that came with it. Maybe Mother Nature was angry that she didn't get a Mother's Day card.

It was my first Mother's Day as a Mom.  I didn't get a card from Michelle of course. She did say "Mama" though which I am happy about. Unfortunately "Dada" has been resurrected as well. She had stopped saying it for a while and now has started again. She's also been adding other sounds and words to her repertoire. The cutest thing she does is growling like a tiger whenever she sees a picture of a tiger. And she's started saying "Awww" when I go "awww" at her doing something cute. She's already learning how to manipulate me. If she grabs off my glasses or smacks me in the face and I say "No! That's not nice! Be nice to Mama!" she nuzzles into me or touches my face gently to make up for it and then I say "Awww. That's a nice girl." When she looks up at me and says "Mama" I could forgive her for just about anything.

Being a single Mom is more than a full-time job. 24-7 with no help. I didn't get much of a break on Mother's Day either. Michelle is starting to make strange. She cries when my Dad tries to take her. She was even reluctant to let my sister hold her. It's really tough on me because I'm used to giving my arms a bit of a rest when we visit. Usually my Mom, Dad, sister and brother take turns holding her. Now she fusses and reaches for me when anyone else takes her. She is still pretty good for my Mom. She better not make strange with my Mom or we'll really be in trouble! I'm relying on Mom to watch Michelle when I return to work. I still don't know how on Earth I'm going to survive leaving her.




















It's still hard for me to accept how fast time is going by. I can't believe she's going to be a year old in a couple of months. I've had several strangers tell me how "tall" she is when we're out and they ask how old she is. When I say "Nine months" they're in shock. She is wearing 12 month old clothes. When I put her in a dress and she stands up she looks like a little girl to me. I can picture her twirling around on her toes. She already tries to dance and loves standing on her toes. My Mom noticed that Michelle thinks she can walk. She will be holding onto the ottoman and suddenly go to turn and step away as though she could just walk across the room but then she only makes it a step before she stumbles. She knows someone (usually me!) will always be there to catch her. A couple of times she has managed to just stand, holding onto nothing. "Wow!" I think, "she'll be walking any minute" but then she'll notice "Oh wait, I'm not holding anything!" and her legs buckle under her.

More and more I am seeing her personality emerge -- her moodiness, mischievousness, sweetness, sense of humour. Her favourite game now is chasing Mama -- I crawl around on all fours and she crawls after me. She laughs her head off. I love her laugh. I remember one of my friends saying that babies become a lot more fun from 9-12 months. They laugh more. They can do more. As newborns they don't do a whole lot. The older they get the more their character begins to shine through. I love her excitement when she clenches her fists and shakes. I love her curiosity (though it also drives me crazy when she grabs at absolutely EVERYTHING.) I am so grateful and so proud to be her Mom.



I did get a card on Mother's Day, from my Mom. She said how proud she is of me and what a good Mom I am to Michelle. It meant a lot to me. Though I do make mistakes along the way, I am doing my best. My Mom may not always agree with my methods (things were very different in her day) but she sees how much I love Michelle, how devoted I am to her, how I would do anything for her. Since becoming a Mom myself I appreciate my own Mom more than ever. I realize now that being a mother is the most difficult (and the most amazing) job in the world.

Happy 70th Birthday!

I can't believe my Mom is 70. She looks 20 years younger. Of course she does a lot to protect her skin. She's been slathering on moisturizer for decades and she avoids the sun. Not only does she baste herself in sunblock but she stays in the shade and even in the car will hold a newspaper up to block out the sun if there isn't a blind on the window. I tried explaining to her that when you're wearing SPF 60, the sun is not getting through but she doesn't want to take any chances. I do have to hand it to her. People never guess her age. Maybe it runs in the family though because my sister looks younger than she is and I was still getting asked for I.D. a year ago. (Even at the casino where you only have to be 18!)

I offered to host Mom's birthday party last weekend. It's a challenge having the whole gang over in my little house. With five kids running amok, it can be chaotic at times. We survived it. Some of the balloons did not. My nephew James dragged them over toward the ceiling light and popped a couple. Then he pushed them against the Christmas tree lights and popped some more. I wouldn't have thought those tiny tree lights had enough heat to break a balloon. It kind of makes me nervous now to have the lights on at all. If they can burn a balloon why not the ornaments?


It was a challenge preparing for the party. Transporting three large balloon bouquets and a baby home in the middle of the night was a surreal experience. I was starving at the time and tempted to pick up McDonalds but thought better of it. I would have looked like a circus act! Besides I was anxious to get home. Michelle was being good but was staring at the balloons on either side of her as though they were aliens from outer space. It must seem strange to her when these unusual objects suddenly invade her world. One night she went to sleep and woke up the next day to find a white Christmas tree in her living room. Then the kitchen and living room are filled with balloons. She seemed to take it in stride. The cat wasn't too impressed though. Cats don't like change. Aside from the balloons I had also moved a bunch of chairs into the kitchen to make more seating room for the party.

I had hosted Mom's birthday party last year, of course that was before I was pregnant, or rather, before I knew I was pregnant. Ironically, as I've mentioned in previous blogs, it was on the evening of my Mom's birthday party that Mike (my baby's father) was kidding around and stuck a silver balloon under my shirt like a pregnant belly. Six days later I would find out I was pregnant. You would think I'd be afraid of balloons now! Actually they do scare me a little. I'm always afraid they'll pop.

I had Michelle dressed in a little black and pink velvet, lace and satin dress. I love dressing her up. She doesn't seem to care what I put on her though she tries to chew everything. The lace on the dress was soaked from her chewing on it. I got her some teething toys but she has no interest in them. She only wants to chew the things that you'd rather she didn't. Like her own hand, my hand or shoulder, and everything else in sight! She's drooling a lot too which I've heard from other moms is common at 3-4 months. So I guess she is teething. My Mom wanted me to put a bib on Michelle at all times but it seems silly to dress her up and then stick a big ugly bib on top of it. Mom then suggested putting the bib underneath her top so her chest wouldn't get wet with all the drool but then it looks too big and bulgy and doesn't seem like it would be comfortable for her either. They should invent a little mock undershirt (like they have mock turtlenecks for adults) to go under baby clothes. Something that isn't too bulky but that would protect them from the drool. I guess it could be worse. One Mom that I spoke to recently has a baby who throws up constantly. Every time she feeds she spits up at least half of it. At least Michelle doesn't spit up that often. It's only happened a few times and even then it's just a tiny bit. (Knock on wood!)

Michelle had been talking up a storm in babyspeak and my sister suggested I take a video of her "talking." I'd taken so many photos of her but hadn't done much video. Of course as soon as I turned the video camera on her, she clammed up. "Show Mommy how you can talk...Say something sweetie..." And not a peep. Just staring at me wide-eyed every time I tried. I did manage to get a few tiny clips of her making little sounds and put it together in a video. It will be interesting to look back on it someday and remember these days before she could talk. I can't wait until she says her first words.

 

 

Michelle has started trying to communicate in ways other than crying (which is a welcome change!) Now when she's hungry she says "Uh uh uh." Always like that. A "u" sound in a group of three. I mimick her which she finds funny and smiles a big smile. Everytime she does that I feed her right away and she seems happy which is awesome. One less thing to cry about! Now if she could make different sounds for when she needs to be changed, when she's tired or for anything else she wants or needs, we'd be all set! She does seem eager to communicate so I hope she's talking soon. I always try to imitate the sounds she makes so that she feels like we're having a conversation. It always makes her smile.

 

Mom is a proud Grandma to seven grandchildren now. She's thrilled with Michelle, unexpected lucky number 7. She didn't think there would be any more grandchildren since my siblings with children didn't plan to have any more and neither my brother Chris nor I ever planned to have any. My Mom was concerned that I would regret it someday if I never had children, that I would feel I had missed out. I don't know if I would have. How can you miss something you never had? I couldn't picture me as a Mom. I didn't think I had it in me. Of course everything changed once I found out I was pregnant. My maternal instincts took over. I loved my baby from the very beginning. Before she was even born and now I know she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I still can't believe I got pregnant so easily at 42 but I know that it was meant to be. Someone told me that they know several women who have become pregnant in their 40s. It's almost like a sudden burst of fertility takes over. It's as though the biological clock is ticking, the body knows it's running out of time so it kicks things up a notch. The body's last hurrah. I know that I was healthier than I had ever been. Eating right and exercising. So I guess it was the perfect time for a baby to make an appearance. Little did I know.

 

When the party was over and after I finally got Michelle settled down I went to tidy up. There were chip crumbs everywhere, cake remnants on the floor, the table (even under the glass table that I'd covered with a tablecloth) and chairs, bits of crayon smushed on the hardwood, crumbs in the couch. I smiled. Kids are exhausting. They are messy. They can be wild (I was afraid at a few points that my nieces and nephews were going to spill something or break something -- it's happened before -- and they were trying to play with Michelle's swing and jumperoo.) But they are so full of energy and excitement. They're so free. They're not uptight and stressed out like me. I wish I was a little more laid back. I tend to be a bit of a control freak. I hope I'm able to relax enough to give Michelle room to explore without worrying and nagging. I don't want to be a Mom who worries about everything and who says "No" to everything. I know I hated it when Mom said "No" so much (and apparently it wound up being my first word!) I will probably have to kid-proof the house a lot more before Michelle is on the move. She's already trying to crawl (rolling onto her tummy and lifting her butt up like an inchworm trying to scooch along the floor). Who knows when she'll be walking? I want to give her a taste of freedom and independence while still keeping her safe. It's a tough balance as a parent. You don't want to be too strict or too lenient. You don't want to be a nag or a pushover. At least there is only one of her. I don't know how people manage with several small children!

 

I love my big crazy family, even though at times they can be overwhelming. I feel blessed to have them in my life. I am especially grateful to Mom and Dad for bringing us into the world. Mom was feeling very sentimental while she was reading her cards and started to tear up. I've always been a sap and am even more so these days with my breastfeeding hormones raging. I started to cry when I picked out Mom's birthday card. It talked about being a Mom -- being the first voice that your child hears, the first face that they see, the first pair of arms that hold them. There is nothing on the planet more difficult or more incredible than being a Mom. One woman that I ran into recently said that she believes having children is something that every woman should experience. As a woman it is the most extraordinary experience you can have. I agree. I never expected it for myself but I am so grateful. It is the greatest gift.

 

I will try to be the best Mom I can be. I won't always be perfect. I won't always be patient. I won't always have the right answers. But I will always always love her. My Mom wasn't perfect but I am so grateful to her for all that she's done for me. It wasn't until having my own child that I could fully appreciate and understand what being a Mom means.  

 

 



Monday's Child...

"Monday's child is fair of face..." as the poem begins. I was born on a Monday. Being a natural redhead with freckles who doesn't tan easily, I certainly could be called "fair" as in pale. As far as the "fairest in the land" context goes, that's open for debate. I've been called an ugly duckling and a swan. These days bloated and waddling around I think I'm leaning more toward the duck!

My baby was supposed to be born last Monday (the 23rd.) I've read that a mere 5% of people actually give birth on their due date so it's really little more than a guess. 50% of people have their babies late. I've heard it's really common to go later when it's your first child. So I guess this is nothing out of the ordinary. But I was really counting on having her last week. She will still be a Monday's child tomorrow, the 30th, since my doctor is inducing me. Unless of course she surprises me today/tonight (in which case according to the poem she would be "bonny and blithe and good and gay.")

I'm a bit nervous about the induction. The doctor explained to me that I'd be given oxytocin and my water would be broken. I had heard that when labour is induced it is more painful than when it happens naturally (which frankly for someone with a phobia of pain is NOT good news!) She admitted that it would be more intense. The trade-off is that it is shorter lived. Natural labour tends to last about 24 hours and induced labour about 12 hours, on average. More pain for less time? Not sure I'm sold but I know that labour is no picnic regardless. Having gone a week overdue though, I know that I don't want to be pregnant one more minute! Enough is enough!

My feet have been bloated for a long while. Mostly the tops of my feet (big and purple and puffy). Now even the soles of my feet hurt. They are bulbous and sore, making it that much harder and more painful to walk. It's like walking on hot coals or a bed of nails. I am reminded of the little mermaid when she had her wished for legs but every step hurt like a knife.

Speaking of mermaids, and other sea creatures, my niece and I created a sea theme mobile for the nursery. I hadn't been able to find a mobile like I wanted so my talented niece Shannon and I created our own. My sister joked that the baby hadn't been born yet because she was waiting for her mobile to be finished. Well, we're done baby so you can come out now! Everything else in the nursery was done. My frantic nesting pretty much covered everything else.

Shannon and I designed our little creatures, cut them out of felt, stuffed and sewed them. She did a seahorse, octopus, starfish and fish. I made a seahorse, whale, mermaid and fish. We had fun making it and I'm thrilled with the results. I think it's really cute and much more personal than just going out and buying a mobile. My niece is an artist like me. I'm hoping maybe my little girl will be too...

I've been trying to keep busy. Sewing mobiles. Going out on excursions. Might as well. I can't just sit around and wait. A watched pot never boils. A watched belly never births. I have had a lot more energy for the last while, despite the physical challenges of moving around. Though the doctor denied it, other people have told me that walking around helps to bring on labour. I figure it can't hurt. My doc did say that the baby was lower and that my body was getting ready. I am getting more intense pain and pressure "down there" so stuff is definitely going on. I read that it's helpful to visualize your body as a flower blossoming or a fruit ripening. I think I'm pretty ripe at this point. Now I just have to bear the fruit of my womb. Hopefully more like an apple than a watermelon. (I'm still trying not to think about how any woman survives passing a baby through there! I know it stretches A LOT. I'm counting on the epidural to save me from feeling most of it. And I'm hoping I shrink back to my original size -- inside and out -- when it's all over.)

We went swimming again. Might as well try to enjoy the summer sun some of the time. As you can see, I look like an absolute GIANT! The water was refreshing but I seem to feel the cold more than usual. Sometimes I get the chills. I enjoyed just feeling the sun on my big old legs for a bit and watching my sister with her kids in the water. She is my inspiration. It's still hard for me to believe I'm going to be a Mom! It's an incredible blessing and an overwhelming responsibility at the same time. When I see how much my niece and nephew love her and need her I realize how much it means to be a mother -- Mama is God. You are their world, their joy, their teacher, their safe place, their everything.

When May is out of sight, even for a few moments, Reggie is asking where "Mama be?" For much of my life I had been looking for an all-encompassing love. It looks like I've found it because being a mother you experience more love than ever. Of course you lose the ability to have more than a moment to yourself, but the reward is worth it.

My sister has been a godsend for me through this process. Each step of the journey she has been so supportive and nurturing. She reassures me, calms me down, keeps me grounded, makes me laugh. I don't know how I would have gotten through it all without her. My Mom has been there too of course but Mom is a worrier and can stress me out! She drives me crazy sometimes! She checks on me every day to make sure I'm all right. She seemed to think I was going to have my baby early. Now she has to admit she was wrong. If she'd had her way I would have been sitting around carefully avoiding doing anything, with my hospital bag ready. I'm glad I kept busy instead and didn't let the possible onset of labour stop me from going out and doing things. It would have made the last month even harder to get through.

At least I know that tomorrow is it. The day is finally here. No more waiting. My niece asked if I was scared. "Yes." She asked if I was excited. "Yes!" All of the above. This is the biggest day of my life, by far. Everything is about to change. My sister told me that once I see my baby, I will be mesmerized. I won't be able to stop staring at her for quite a while. I will be absolutely overcome. I've been carrying her around so long, talking to her, singing to her, feeling her move, that I feel such a strong bond already. I can't wait to meet her. I know that she will be worth the (even longer than expected!) wait.

I just hope that labour goes relatively smoothly and pain-free...

Wish me luck tomorrow!!!

Happy Birthday!

The only thing more mind-blowing than conceiving unexpectedly at 42 years old is that I'm actually having a baby at 43! This baby will keep me young though. I feel younger and healthier, more vibrant than I ever have (in spite of the discomforts of pregnancy -- heartburn, trouble breathing, back pain largely owing to the beach ball sized belly I'm sporting now!) My skin is softer than ever. I've never been this voluptuous.

No one ever believes me when I tell them my age. Maybe I should stop telling them! Maybe I'll just be 25 from here on out! Sure! My baby's father said I had the body of a teenager. Considering he managed to knock me up inside of a month, I'm inclined to agree!

My family celebrated my birthday this weekend. It's always the May 2-4 weekend. Sometimes it falls right on Victoria Day. Other times not. The year I was born it was Victoria Day. Mom always said that was why I was such a "firecracker." I think being part-Italian, part-Irish and a feisty redhead were also a factor! I've always loved fireworks. The sights and sounds of coloured light exploding like shattered stars. I'm a romantic.

Being pregnant, this is a monumental year for me and my most special birthday ever. My family has spoiled me. I had some amazing gifts even before my birthday. I've been enjoying the swing my Mom gave me. I'm actually allowing myself some time to relax. Spending hours just reading on my swing, in the sunshine, my toes in the sand in my own little backyard paradise (all I need is the sound of the ocean...) My sister has a pond and little waterfall in her backyard. It's so soothing. I'd love something like that but it's not really an option for me at the moment. I might get one of those little mini-fountain/pond things one day just to have a water feature close to my beach. Next year if nothing else I'll probably get one of those small inflatable pools for the baby to play in and I might cool off in it too.

This weekend the weather was beautiful so we all spent the day in my sister's backyard. I didn't realize how huge I looked until I saw these pictures! I do want to point out that horizontal stripes make you look wider. I love maxi dresses though because they keep you cool while being covered.  My white legs are not my favourite right now...

We were all out talking on the patio and Mom brought up the subject of kids to Chris. He confirmed once again that he has no desire to have children and began making a list of the reasons. I felt like he was protesting too much. He must have felt outnumbered since now he's the only one in the family not to have kids. He mentioned how many of his friends had kids and how it changed them. He said that they weren't fun and carefree anymore. They didn't want to dive off cliffs, go whitewater rafting etc. He spoke as though being a parent meant your life was over. That it would become ordinary. He said that everyone he knew with kids became mediocre. I told him that in my case (and I haven't even had my child yet) it's just that my priorities are shifting. For instance, it was on my lifetime to do list to go skydiving. I had actually hoped to cross it off my list before this birthday (I didn't get around to it before my last birthday). Obviously I couldn't do it while I'm pregnant but even after I have the baby, I don't know if I could do it now. It's too risky. My life is too valuable now. I'm a mother. I couldn't risk my life and leave my child alone. Before I was living for myself, it's different once you're living for someone else. My life has purpose. Not that I actually think I would die. I mean I'm sure they're pretty careful with the parachutes and they give you training beforehand to make sure. But I think you still sign a waiver and the fact is that there IS a risk. Before I wouldn't have batted an eyelash. I would have already done it if it wasn't so darn expensive. Now that I'm a Mom, it changes everything. I couldn't live with the thought of something happening to me and leaving my daughter alone.

My other brother Mike agreed with me. He used to be a wild one, quite a daredevil and adventurer but he hasn't really done anything dangerous since he's had children. It's not that you lose your courage, you just feel a responsibility to be there for your kids. You love them so much that you wouldn't risk anything that could hurt them, including hurting yourself.

Got a lot of gifts ahead but still had things to open on my birthday. May gave me a stylish diaper bag with "Baby Couture" on it. It's so cute and practical. Like a huge purse with room for all the things I'll need for baby. She also filled it with some necessities -- nursing pads (my Mom kept going on about how I'll need those), tiny clippers for baby nails etc. I talked about how nervous I was about having the baby and how I worried I was that I wouldn't know what to do. May said I'll be fine. Your instincts kick in and you learn as you go. She's been through this three times though. Both she and my brother Mike have three kids.  

It will just be one for me! This one was already the biggest surprise of my life. Mike was telling me how truly blessed I am. I certainly never expected this at this stage in my life. We talked about how many couples struggle to conceive. It usually doesn't happen so easily, especially at my age. I just know that it was meant to be. I am very grateful.

Shannon asked me if I would want any more children after this one. I said no, that one was more than enough. More than I ever counted on! Considering that I'm not in a relationship (and at this point it's hard for me to imagine getting involved with someone, trusting someone again) and won't be for quite some time, it probably wouldn't be an option anyway. I don't suppose I can say "never" because I've made that mistake before. You just don't know. I could fall in love with someone wonderful who's a single dad with a child of his own. Or could get involved with someone and decide I do want another child with him. At this point I would just say it's highly unlikely.

After Chris' whole diatribe about not wanting children, he had Shannon on his knee and was warning her about watching out for guys and telling her he'd screen her boyfriends for her. She's a beautiful girl. It's scary to think that she might be dating in a few years. Shannon asked Chris why he didn't screen my boyfriends. He said because I'm older. Supposed to be older and wiser, should have known better! If someone had been protecting me and was interviewing men before they were allowed to date me, would any of them have made it through? Maybe not. Particularly not my baby's father. But he had to be the one, for whatever reason. I  am still grateful I met him because but for him this child would not exist. But would I ever let my daughter date someone like him? OH HELL NO!!! I may be a bit of an overprotective parent... I may not have protected myself from monsters but I wouldn't let one near her! In fairness, some of the men I dated were good guys, just wrong for me. Hindsight is 20-20. But if I could go back, I wouldn't undo any of those relationships. They all played a part in shaping my life. They all had something to teach me. They all gave me some wonderful memories that I cherish.

Chris is so good with the kids, I know he'd make a wonderful father. He's probably just scared, as I was. I know that if he ever was going to be a father, he'd be thrilled. His girlfriend is completely against it so it doesn't appear to be in the cards. Then again no one could have been more committed to a childless existence than me. I was driving a two-seater! (I still haven't found a buyer for the car. If you know someone who wants a 2010 Mazda MX5 silver automatic, please let me know!) I saw my future as a carefree single, living on a beach somewhere, falling in love with someone, maybe getting married one day, but certainly not having kids. I just couldn't see me as a Mom. Everything changed when I found out I was pregnant. A whole new set of feelings, beliefs, values, switched on. I was a new me and my old life, old dreams seemed to pale in comparison. This baby was everything to me.

Of course life with kids is different. Maybe I won't go skydiving (not for many years anyway.) Maybe I can't travel as light. I have to give up my cute little car. But the rewards outweigh the sacrifices. My whole life the most important thing to me was love. I was a relationship junkie. I kept falling for the wrong people, trying to find the right one. Trying to find that one all-encompassing love. I never saw that it could be a child. That that is the perfect love. I was looking for my soulmate, that intense connection and bond with someone whose soul is the same as yours. I didn't realize that the bond you have with a child is beyond anything else. She will literally be part of me. She will come into this world innocent and vulnerable and it's up to me to show her what life is, to help her to be strong, to share everything with her and laugh with her. What a gift that is. What a miracle. And I have my whole heart to give her. Yes I'd like to find romance again someday but this time I will only dive in if it's right and real and forever. Only if he can be a loving partner to me and a loving father to my child. Only if he can be strong and sensitive. Only if he is responsible and fun. Only if he has all the best qualities I've seen in the men I've loved with none of their tragic flaws. A tall order. Until then I have my family. My brother Mike offered to be there for the delivery and said he'd help me with whatever I needed. It was very sweet. I assured him I'll be fine with Mom and May there. It's good to know I will have positive male role models in my daughter's life though. Her uncles are very different from each other. Mike is more sensitive, a father figure, Chris is more of a free spirit but both are loving, funny, good men that I am proud to call my brothers. 

I love my nutty family! I laughed so much my belly was hurting. Baby was moving around more than ever. Not sure if it was all the commotion or the sugar (sorry baby I couldn't resist the delicious birthday cake!) I know that my family can help me get through anything. I've been through a lot so far this year but I feel strong, happy and hopeful for the future. I'm proud to be adding another member to the family. We Pinciveros are a unique bunch. Kind of crazy, but real, honest, loving, loyal. We are there for each other. We are a close family.

It was a happy birthday for me. I love when we can all be together and talk and laugh. No one makes me laugh as much as they do. I appreciate them more than ever now.

Last year when I booked my vacation time I never could have imagined that I'd be spending this birthday pregnant! I figured I'd either be skydiving or off on some adventure with the man in my life (whoever that happened to be. There was always someone. Until now, there has always been someone. I've never gone so long without a boyfriend. Baby is keeping me out of trouble!) I had planned to make a road trip to California. I imagined I'd be bikini-clad and driving with the top down. Having a baby is more of an adventure than any roadtrip. It is more daring than jumping out of a plane. Physically, emotionally and in every way this will be the biggest leap of my life.

Chris is wrong. Becoming a parent doesn't make you mediocre. Life with a child is extraordinary because you get to relive your youth, to see the beauty and magic of life again, through their eyes. My life has a purpose now that I never had before. More deep and meaningful than anything else I might have done. To me, love is more important than anything. Being a Mom I know I will feel (and already feel) more love than I ever dreamed possible. And my baby and me will have adventures. We will travel one day. We will cross things off my lifetime to do list. Having a child is something I never dared to dream. It wasn't on my to do list, but having found myself in this position, it feels right and it makes anything else seem unimportant.

The most important birthday of my life is still to come in a couple of months -- my baby's birthday in July! I was talking to my Mom and realized how strange it is that we celebrate someone's birth and make a fuss of them when they really didn't have much to do to come into the world. It's Mom that does all the work! Our birthdays should really be celebrations for our Moms! Now that I have an appreciation of what she went through, I am so grateful to my Mom. Thank you for carrying me for nine months. Thank you for going through the strain of labour and delivery to have me. Thank you for caring for me and loving me my whole life. Moms should be celebrated on our birthdays too! Thank you for giving me the gift of life!  

Mia famiglia

Had the whole gang over to my place for Mother's Day on Sunday. I always love having them over. It's a bit sad when they have to leave. I've gotten used to having the place to myself but it's nice to have company. There are a lot of them and they are quite boisterous so it almost seems too quiet after they're gone.

Showed them my newly painted nursery and the mermaid painting I've done so far. My sister said her hubby can come with the crib and change table any time which is good to hear. I'm excited to get the nursery set up. Even though there are still months to go and I wouldn't even be using the crib right away. (Baby will be in the bassinett right in my room next to me for the first couple of months or so.)

Thankfully it was a beautiful day on Sunday and we wound up spending most of it in my backyard. I even got a bit of a sunburn. Mom had gotten me a garden swing as an early birthday/Mom-to-be present. She, my dad, my brother and nephew all helped put it together for me. I was very grateful because if I had to try to figure it out on my own it would have taken me days! Actually you need at least two people to hold the parts so I probably couldn't have done it on my own. It would have been quite a sight watching a 7 month pregnant woman struggle with poles and canvas and a screwdriver by herself! I did manage to construct the bassinett by myself but it was a little smaller to deal with (and it was a struggle. I've never liked reading instructions! The only thing I ever really liked putting together were bookcases. Very straightforward. Hard to mess them up!)

I am so happy to have the love and support of my family so I'm not going through my journey alone. Being a single Mom wasn't something I planned on or ever thought possible. For the most part I feel strong and capable. Most days I feel good, confident and I think "I've got this! It's going to be OK!" I do however have moments of weakness, self-doubt and sometimes just sheer exhaustion. Sometimes it's tough when you don't have a partner to help out with anything. I work long hours at my job which takes a toll. Twelve hour shifts are rough at the best of times. When you're 7 months pregnant, on no sleep, with heartburn, indigestion, sore ribs, swollen legs & feet, it's really rough. Even on my days off I don't really get to relax because there's so much that needs to be done. Cleaning. Shopping. Taking care of the house inside and out. I was mowing the front lawn one day and I was tired. My back was aching, I was having trouble breathing, the extension cord kept getting caught. It was so frustrating I almost started to cry. I just felt overwhelmed. Every other house on the street, the husband cuts the lawn. For a moment I wished there was someone here to help me out. "You put your feet up honey. I'll do the lawn. I'll vacuum. I'll clean the bathroom. I'll get the groceries. I'll make dinner." Of course, as I mentioned in a previous post, not all boyfriends/hubbies are that helpful anyway. (Even when Mike was here he said he wouldn't mow the lawn because he "didn't know how." He'd never had a lawn before. Yeah. And he couldn't have gone for groceries because he didn't even have a driver's license. At 32. I know, right? He tried to help a little with dishes but I still did the cooking and everything else. With Mike and his pets here it just meant more work for me.) Some men are helpful though. One boyfriend that I dated years ago was a godsend. I didn't have to lift a finger around the house. Anything that needed fixing or doing, he was on it. He put up all my ceiling fans, installed all my blinds, kept the lawn pristine, made me a delicious dinner each night, washed the floors. I'll always be in his debt because he's also the one who taught me my first guitar chords and inspired my first songs. And he gave the best massages EVER. Of course he was unemployed. You can't have everything. (Does a man exist who is actually sweet, sensitive, strong, sincere, smart, sexy, successful, with a sense of humour? Not that I've found anyway. Usually you have to settle for 4 or 5 out of 8. Some qualities appear to cancel each other out. I can't settle anymore so I guess I'll be single for a while!) Of course having any help at all is nice rather than having to do everything on your own. I should mention that my Mom told me my dad would mow the lawn for me when they came over but I wasn't going to make him do it. He already mows the lawn at their place which is 10 times the size of mine. With the garden at the front, there's really only a small area I have to do anyway. It's just that when you're carrying so much weight up front (new boobs and belly bigger by the minute), everything is more difficult. And sometimes I have a little pity party. Luckily it doesn't last long and I snap out of it and realize how lucky I am.

Being single is actually easier in many ways. I'd rather be on my own than with someone who adds more stress to my life, which my ex did, to a great extent. I was driving home from the grocery store the other day, singing along with the radio, feeling baby boogie in my tummy when I suddenly saw a couple having an argument in the car ahead of me. The male who was driving was wildly gesturing his hands, flailing about. The female next to him was yelling back. I could see their angry faces, their mouths gaping like fish. I wondered what could make anyone that angry on such a beautiful sunny day? Those are things that I don't miss. Car rides from hell. Arguing about directions. Arguing about the destination, the day's events, anything. Blaming, name-calling. It is hard for a man and woman to spend an extended period of time together without arguing about something. You just start to get on each other's nerves. There will always be differences of opinion, different goals. If you happen to be two people that need control and always need to be right, it's really a struggle. Money is a big argument for almost any couple. Sometimes you argue over the silliest things. You're just stressed and tired and irritable and wind up taking it out on each other. And some people just push your buttons. Mike and I could be pretty volatile. He had a short fuse and if I happened to say the wrong thing to set him off, it wasn't pretty. I was hormonal and moody in my first trimester so I was quite the powder keg myself. At least not having a man there, there isn't someone to argue with. No one to disappoint you. No one to disagree with. No one to battle for control. But I miss the good things. The companionship, laughter, love, support. I still get that from friends and family, though it is different of course. I do hope to find romantic love with someone again one day perhaps. But my child will be my world, especially in the beginning, and I definitely need a long break from dating. For decades I jumped from one relationship to another without a break. This long hiatus from (bad) romances is long overdue!

I admire strong single Moms who manage on their own. My sister was a single Mom for a while after her divorce. She just did what she had to do. She is a strong, loving mother and has three fabulous kids. The reality is that even now, when her husband is working out of town etc, she is alone to care for the kids and the house. Even married women often end up doing most of the work when it comes to the children and the home. One woman I knew had a husband who was away travelling on business all the time. Everyone said she was practically a single Mom because Dad was just never there. But at least her hubby earned a good living so she had help financially. It's tough when it's all you. I know single Moms who have to fight with their exes for child support payments, battle over custody papers etc. I have people trying to convince me to seek out a lawyer about my ex saying that he should be giving me something. I'd rather not go through that. Mike wouldn't have had much to give anyway. I'd rather just not have him in the picture at all. Of course if he did win the lottery or something it would be nice if he'd send me a cheque with no strings attached, just to assuage his guilt for abandoning the baby and me in the cruel, cowardly way that he did. Heck, even if he just sent me the money that he owed me it would be a help. But I'm not holding my breath on that one. It would be nice to win the lottery myself. $50 million would sure come in handy! They say money can't buy happiness, but I'm pretty happy already and not having to worry about money would make everything a lot easier!

It still freaks me out that I'm actually going to be a Mom. An Aunt to three nieces and three nephews, I never dreamed that one day someone would actually be calling ME Mom! My Mom pointed out that this will be her lucky 7th grandchild and will be the tie-breaker. We are still operating under the assumption that it's a girl, so now Mom will have more grand-daughters than grand-sons. But it's not 100% official until I have the 32 week ultrasound. (Coming up soon! And it better be definitive this time!) As you know if you've read my previous blogs, I really am counting on a girl. I'm a girlie girl myself. I already have her name picked out, have a bunch of pink outfits, the whole bit. I imagine us making sandcastles on the beach (my backyard beach and others) as Shannon was doing here on Sunday. I'm so close to my Mom, sister and niece. I really hope that my child will stay that close with me as she grows up. Not just a daughter, but a companion, confidante and friend. A close bond for a lifetime.




The whole gang on my little beach

I'm so grateful for my beautiful family. They mean the world to me. Especially now. I know that I can count on them. They make me laugh. They're a little crazy. I've shared so many memories with them over the years. There's comfort in being with people who have known you forever. You can completely be yourself. They know you inside out and accept you. You may not always get along, but you always love each other. From talking with other people I realized that not all families get together so often. Some don't even get together for special occasions. They go their separate ways, can't be bothered or have a falling out and stop speaking, move too far away, etc. It was always just a given in our family that you spend birthdays and holidays together and have visits for no occasion. Mikey (that's my brother not my ex!) is a bit further away so he can't always make it (he wasn't here on the weekend but is coming next weekend.) A lot of it is at my Mom's insistence. She can be very persuasive. It's just not worth the guilt of not giving her her way! It's good though. It kept us coming together even when it was difficult. There is no bond like that between family members and it's a shame that some people let that go. 

 

My brother Chris and I certainly had our moments of conflict over the years. In some ways we were too opposite, in others too similar. Living with our parents as adults definitely put a strain on the relationship. Even silly things like fighting over the bathroom. We were both stubborn and locked horns on numerous occasions. But the love was always there, even underneath the arguments. Since living apart it's much easier to get along. Sometimes you just need space. We're the two middle kids and we were the two siblings who never married and didn't plan to have kids. Chris joked that the pressure was off of us because our eldest and youngest siblings, May and Mikey, kept having children so we didn't have to. I guess I unintentionally broke our unspoken pact. No one EVER expected me to have kids (least of all me!) and here I am due in July, so never say never! Chris is actually wonderful with kids. If anyone should have them, it's him. But he and his girlfriend don't intend to. They've gone on a few trips recently, including a trip to Cuba. Chris is even learning to speak Spanish. They seem to be enjoying their freedom. Still, I see how his eyes light up when he plays with his nieces and nephews. He's a natural. A big-hearted kid himself, with so much energy. He would be a great father. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll be a parent too. For now he can be a loving Uncle to six (and soon to be seven!) kids.

My Mom was quite happy with her special day and the day before (I decided to take her out for a day of shopping, her favourite pasttime, on Saturday as a pre-Mother's Day celebration.) She was thrilled with that. After reading my Mother's Day blog she said that that was her greatest gift. (I printed it out for her. She's not on the internet. She doesn't even have a computer! Seriously. She's even more old-fashioned than I am!) She's loved all my blog posts but was especially moved by my mother's day one and was so proud of me. Most of my life I was trying to win her approval, to make her proud and often felt like nothing I did was good enough. My perception of a lot of things has changed these days. I'm realizing how much she did love me all along. She just pushed me when she thought I could do better. She wanted me to succeed and she was behind me every step of the way. She was proud of my academic success (awards and medals, graduating university at the top of my class) and my talents (singing, writing, art etc). I often focused on the criticisms and the negatives (she has always been a worrier and she can be negative) instead of the praise and the positives. I was my own harshest critic for most of my life and it affected my perceptions of others as well. Anything that reinforced my negative self-image was what I responded to. I could get 10 compliments and 1 criticism and guess what I dwelled on? Over the years I've mellowed out, become much more positive and learned to like myself. For a long while I felt as though I wasn't loved (by family, partners etc) but the truth was I didn't love myself. Why couldn't I have figured all of this out a few decades ago?!  

You go through phases. At the time you think that your perception is the reality and it's hard for anyone to convince you otherwise. Starting in our teens, we naturally start to rebel a little. We don't feel like our parents understand us. We can be hostile. We see them as the enemy. I suppose I'll go through some of those growing pains with my own daughter. (That's the really rough part I think! More so than the tantrums of the terrible twos or the sleepless nights and diaper changes of a newborn.) Maybe I'll get lucky though. My oldest nephew was a dream child. He never gave May a hard time. So you never know. Raise a child with love and open communication and hope for the best.

My sister loved my blog as well. She thinks I'll be a great Mom. I hope so. It's such a huge responsibility. And it's a different world now. Kids today are scary! When I was a kid we didn't even have the internet. Now it's everywhere and kids at such a young age have so many high tech gadgets -- cellphones or blackberries, tablets, kobos, ipods and apps and I don't know what all. I don't even own a cellphone! I think I may be the only one in North America over the age of 12 that can say that! I refuse to get one. I think they're evil. They turn people into zombies, mindlessly texting all the time. Once you get one, you can never go back. You're never really free. Sure there are times I'd like to have one in an emergency but I make do. I can always get to a phone. I can use a payphone if I have to, mind you they are harder to find and because they're not used very much, they're not maintained terribly well. The way I look at it, I'm not a Hollywood actress or a real estate agent. I'm not so important that someone has to be able to get a hold of me every minute of the day. Even when I'm in line at Walmart. One single father that I dated had kids with little computer games (Nintendo DS or something) and they would play with it during long car rides. I found it kind of sad. As a kid, I loved road trips. I loved looking out the window at the countryside, watching other cars, fields, scenes whizzing past me. Window rolled down. Wind in my hair. Daydreaming. That was part of the adventure for me. Now kids are so focused on their gadgets that they miss the world around them. They lose the simple pleasures. When I was a kid I loved playing double dutch. I don't know if kids even do that anymore. I never see skipping ropes. Now half the time kids are playing on their computers rather than being outside enjoying nature, the fresh air, chasing frogs, doing somersaults on the grass, being kids. Now they're like little adults in training. Well maybe I'll raise an old-fashioned girl like me. Though I suppose at a certain age they start to realize that "all the other kids have one!" and then what do you do? Hopefully I have the determination to be firm but fair. People are hooked on their gadgets. Whether it's kids with games or adults with cells or blackberries. I'll see people out for lunch together and they're not even talking! They're each texting on their cellphones! Why are the people who aren't even there more important than the one you're actually with?! (Mind you they were probably texting friends who were meeting up with them. But I just find it strange. I see it all the time.) Technology is supposed to make life easier. But in some ways it seems to make it more complicated. You start to lose your freedom, your imagination, your peace. Don't get me wrong. I use my computer. I go on the internet. But I can walk away from it. And when I'm out, no one can get me. They can leave me a message. I need my space, my zen. Sometimes you need to just do nothing. "La dolce di far niente" as the saying goes (they mention it in "Eat, Pray, Love.") North Americans are obsessed with work and often don't know how to relax. Europeans understand that there's more to life than work. There's love. Family. Food. Art. Music. The simple pleasures. I need that myself. Maybe it's the Italian in me.

I always loved visiting my Italian relatives (on my Dad's side.) They were so animated and gracious. And the food was to die for! They kept bringing one delicious dish after another -- pasta, pizza, pastries. "Mangia, mangia, Anna Maria!" I visited my Aunt in Italy many years ago with my boyfriend at the time, as part of our European backpacking adventure. It was beautiful. I felt like a celebrity as she introduced me to the locals in the little town on a mountain where my father was born. Everyone made such a fuss of me. Some were even calling me "Madonna" not because I resembled the Queen of Pop but because I looked like paintings they had of the Virgin Mary. I even played Mary once in a school play. As a Catholic, I was deeply honoured to play the Mother of God. I never could have imagined at the time that one day I would be a mother. Certainly not by immaculate conception! If anything my ex had more in common with Lucifer! But he used to call me angel and I'm hoping our child will take after me...

My sister pointed out that next year on Mother's Day I'll have my baby, close to a year old by that point. I'll be the third Mom in the family. Even Christmas this year will be so different. I'll have a baby 5 months old! Baby's first Christmas! The seventh member of the youngest generation of our family. It's all very surreal to me.

Sometimes my mind races ahead to the future. So many things to look forward to. Other things to fear/worry about. So many unknowns. Mostly I try to take things one day at a time.

Just a little over two months to go before baby makes her grand entrance! I can't believe it. My Mom and sister keep telling me how much bigger I'm still going to get. It's scary. My belly already feels like it's going to explode. I don't know how it could stretch any further. The other day I saw a girl who looked about my size, belly-wise except that her bellybutton had popped out. I could see it poking through her shirt. I asked how far along she was (it's a question that's not always prudent to ask. You just never know. Sometimes the woman isn't even pregnant!) I felt safe asking because she was a petite little thing and only had weight in her belly. "Six more weeks!" she announced proudly. Having almost double that still to go, I was starting to feel my belly had gone too far too soon. Everyone is different though. I know Jessica Simpson took a lot of flack for how much weight she gained. I still think she looked beautiful. I think that being pregnant gives you a better excuse to eat than ever so you might as well enjoy it! As long as you're having enough healthy nutrients for the baby, why not indulge now and then for yourself? I'm just hoping that I will be able to lose the weight again afterward. I look at my bikini pics from last year for inspiration. I think that between working out hardcore and getting back into my yoga I'll be able to get close to the shape I was in. I also hear that breast-feeding helps you to burn off a lot so hopefully that goes well.


All of us at Mom and Dad's Anniversary



Family has always been important to me and now more than ever I rely on them to keep me grounded. I am grateful for their love, support and friendship. I always used to say that I wanted to live on a remote tropical island but the truth is, if I moved far away from them, I would miss them too much. (Unless of course I did win that $50 million in the lottery and could afford a private jet to fly back and forth for visits every month!)

They say that home is where the heart is. My family will always be home to me. They are my people. My history. I feel closer to them than ever now that I'm starting my own little family of two. I want my baby to be close to her grandparents, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews. To see how blessed we are to have such a beautiful, loving family. Ti amo, la mia famiglia!



Happy Mother's Day!



My Mom as a baby! What a cutie!

Happy Mother's Day Mom! And to all mothers out there.

Yes it's Mother's Day this Sunday. I'm having the family over to my house to celebrate. My perspective on the day is quite different this year, now that I'm a Mom-to-be. It's still so surreal to me that I'm going to be a mother! I never thought in a million years that I would be.

My niece pointed out "Now you can get Mother's Day cards and gifts!" she then thought about it and added, "but not yet..." Yes it will be a couple of years before my little one will be able to make me a card. I can't wait. I can imagine a little picture drawn with crayons "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!" with awkward little drawings of flowers and faces, words spelled wrong and letters backwards. It makes me tear up just thinking about it (yes, I'm a sap. I blame the hormones. I've always been sentimental but now I'm sentimental to the power of ten!)


My Nana, Mom and Dad


I love this photo of my grandmother (my Mom's Mom), Mom and Dad. They're so glamorous! They look like movie stars. My Mom has always been beautiful and looks very young for her age. She's actually insulted if people don't guess her to be 10-20 years younger than she is (they usually do.) I guess it runs in the family because people think my sister and I look young for our ages too. My Mom has her quirks. She's a shopoholic. She takes forever to get ready to go anywhere. She can't leave the house without her lipstick and earrings. She has about 5,000 purses in every shade under the rainbow, with outfits to match (right down to her shoes and socks, every item of clothing has to match whether it's blue, pink, purple or green for the day!) I used to shake my head and laugh at her for a lot of her idiosyncracies. The scary thing is that now I find myself doing a lot of the things she used to do. I'll catch myself and think "Oh crap. I'm becoming my mother!" I am grateful for some things. She taught me to be organized and to be a good saver. She made me a bargain hunter. She encouraged me to draw and to write, to dance and to sing. She was my first teacher and mentor. I have to admit that I didn't always appreciate my mother enough. We didn't always see eye to eye. (Actually she's 4'11" and I'm 5'7" so we've probably NEVER seen eye to eye!) A lot of the time she drove me crazy. But I love her more than anything and I am grateful to her. These days I'm more grateful than ever. She always used to say "You won't understand until you have children of your own!" I didn't figure I'd ever understand because I didn't plan to have any. I finally get it. I haven't even had my baby yet and already I feel my heart swell up with a love beyond comparison with anything I've ever experienced. And I know that it's worth anything. Sleepless nights, physical discomforts, turning into a beach ball for nine months. I know what it means to be a mother now. To love someone else more than you love yourself. To love them so much that you would do anything for them. I know how strong you have to be to embark on a lifelong journey, caring for a child. No matter how old they are, they are always your child. My baby is due July 23rd. I haven't even met her yet and I'm already feeling this way! It's overwhelming.


Mommy and me!


I feel more affection for my Mom than ever now that I have some idea what she went through. I'm also grateful for how well she took care of me, nurtured me, even before I was born. She said that while pregnant with me, she had a craving for reading. It was strange for her because she always hated reading, but for my sake she did it. She read the ENTIRE BIBLE OUT LOUD while she was carrying me for nine months! She thinks that the words got through to me and that's why I could talk at such an early age, why I excelled in school, always loved writing. I definitely think there's something to it. She was feeding my mind. And she was always there for me growing up. She wasn't perfect. She could be negative and controlling. She's a Scorpio (that's what my baby's father was. Ironically his birthday was two days before hers. Scorpions sting. It's their nature. They don't even mean to. They can be so beautiful and have a deep capacity for love, but they have a dark side. Intensity, possessiveness, viciousness -- they can wound you deeply if you're not careful.) She wasn't easily impressed. I would draw or colour something in and she would say "You could do better." It pushed me to be a straight A student. She can be frustrating. We have had some wicked arguments over the years. Sometimes she infuriates me! But at the end of the day, I love her and couldn't live without her. I talk to her on the phone every day. It was hard to leave her. She tried to keep me in the nest (I didn't move out until I was 36 so she nearly got her wish!) She's always had this power over me. Partly guilt but partly instinct. I need her love. She is the one who inspired me -- to do well in school, to strive to be the best at whatever I attempted. I owe all of my awards to her because it was to try to impress her, to make her proud. I never stopped being her little girl, looking for her approval. She never fully approved of the men I dated. In retrospect, I'm inclined to agree! She was trying to protect me. She wanted the best for her little girl.

Mom and Me, more recently

I always feel a need to tell her everything, good or bad.

She calls every day to make sure that I'm OK. Especially now that I'm pregnant. She has always been a worrier. Neurotic, negative, hypochondriac. She'll call and tell me the latest scare on the news or in the paper. She clips out articles to warn me about this and that. Sometimes she really stresses me out! My Mom doesn't know how to relax. She always seems to think of the worst possible scenario. Yet ironically when something serious happens, she becomes eerily calm and deals with it. It's like she's always prepared for the worst so when it happens, it's not that big of a surprise.  I expected shock and horror when I announced my unexpected pregnancy (after only dating Mike for a month). Instead she and my sister were thrilled. They had always hoped I would have a child one day. Mom said that she was afraid I'd regret it if I never had kids. I didn't even know my biological clock was ticking. It was the furthest thing from my mind, but now I know that it was meant to be and I'm so excited that I'm going to be a Mom. I guess they knew me better than I knew myself. They do know me pretty well. They have been there my whole life.



My sister and my niece


Happy Mother's Day May! My sister is an amazing Mom. She has always been like a second Mom to me. (A more calming, Zen version than our overly neurotic and high strung mother!) May is so warm, so loving, so understanding. She has been there for me to pick me up at some of my lowest moments. She always knows the right words to say to comfort me and put everything in perspective. She's also been there to celebrate my highest highs. She makes me laugh more than anyone and shares my weird sense of humour. We have shared so many inside jokes over the years. More than a sister, she is my best friend in the world. She has been there my whole life. She was admittedly a bit of a tyrant when we were younger. She teased and bullied me (as older siblings tend to do with their younger brothers or sisters) and when she was a teenager I was afraid of her! She was this beautiful, cruel blur that would storm into the house like a tornado and tear up anything in her path. She mellowed over the years. Actually I think it was becoming a Mom that softened her, that made her into the extraordinary person she is. She has raised three bright, beautiful children. She is smart, fun, funny, creative, kind, generous, down-to-earth, honest, reassuring, supportive, understanding, wise. She is my rock. The moments when things looked so dark I couldn't see a way out, she was the voice of reason, the voice of faith, she helped me to believe that it would be OK. She was always able to listen, to really listen and sympathize, without judgment. And she made me laugh even through my tears. You can't help but love her. I am in awe of her.

When I missed my period in November, she was the first one I called. She was the one who told me to get a home pregnancy test and the first one I called with the news afterward. I'll never forget that day (I wrote about it in my first blog post, Expecting Unexpectedly) seeing that YES + pop up in the little window. The moment I realized that my life had changed forever. I was going to be a Mom.


Mom, May and Me



I am so grateful for these two incredible women, my Mom and my sister. I can't imagine life without them. I see them all the time. (Usually once a week.) I talk to them on the phone. When anything happens, they are the ones I need to tell. They are my safe place. I am so lucky to have them in my life. Especially now that I'm about to be a Mom myself I depend on them for their guidance and friendship. I am glad that they will be there for me when I have the baby. I'll be relying on their support and advice every step of the way. There's so much I need to know! They are pros at this. I have no idea what I'm doing! I've read books but nothing compares to real life experience. I can only hope that I can be as wonderful a Mom as they have been. They are very different but they have each raised some extraordinary kids and should be very proud. I love our family. Mom and May are the heart of the family. I love the guys too of course (Dad, brothers and nephews) but as I mentioned in my previous blog post, the bond between women is like no other. These girls are my heart and soul.



People come and go throughout your lifetime. These two have always been there and will always be there. They've accepted me at my worst and helped me to be my best. I admit I'm not always a picnic! I have been a bit of a drama queen through the years. (The angst-ridden goth days of my teens and 20s when my world was painted black.) Bouts of temper. (Hey I'm not only part Irish and part Italian but I'm a fiery redhead and an artist to boot, so what can I say?) But they let me be myself and loved me anyway. I think I have mellowed out over the years. I wouldn't have been ready to have a child before now. I guess God knew that. He waited until I was ready. It seemed like such a strange twist of fate, especially the way it all happened but I believe it was destiny. I'm still terrified. I still don't really feel like a "grown up"! But I have a couple of amazing teachers to get me through. And I will rely on their expertise when I'm stuck. I will probably be calling them at least ten times a day after the baby is born!



The girls and the beach -- my favourite things!



Mom and May, I love you guys more than I can possibly say. No matter what life has thrown at me, it is the two of you that got me through. I am happy that we are so close. It seems that life is always changing and you never know where the next bend in the road may lead, but no matter what, I know that you will always be part of my journey. You will always be my home. The constant, the certainty in my life.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for loving me when I didn't deserve it. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a Mom. I only hope that I can be as brave, devoted and loving as the two of you have been and raise a child as wonderful as the ones that you have raised.

Being a mother has got to be the toughest and the most rewarding role that a woman can ever take on. You are responsible for someone's life. You help that child to grow into an adult, to become the person that they are meant to be. More than feeding, clothing and caring for them, you nurture their souls. You teach them what life is, what love is. You share their joys and sorrows. You give them your whole heart.

Mothers, you are angels. Beautiful. Loving. Powerful. You are as close to God as we can get in this world -- you create life. Your love is what keeps the world going. Without you, none of us would exist.

I'm proud to join your ranks. Being a Mom will be the most daring, most important thing I have ever done. I never thought I'd see the day.

Happy Mother's Day to me too!