Fashionably Late...

Well Monday July 23rd was my due date, but baby missed her big debut!

At least my doctor said that my baby girl and I are both very healthy. My blood pressure is good. The baby's heartbeat is good and strong. She's still dancing around in there. Her head is where it needs to be. The doctor told me  I have a "favourable cervix" (Why thank you! No one has ever told me that before. I bet you say that to all your patients!) I wasn't entirely sure what it meant but it's a good thing. It means my body is preparing itself to have the baby. Softening. Ripening. I guess I need to become much more pliable down there so baby can get out. Still, there was no sign that labour was imminent. So it looks like we'll be going for the induction on Monday (my doctor had promised that if my baby didn't come before then she'd induce on the 30th. At least the end is in sight...) She confirmed that that was OK with me. I said the sooner the better. She told me that it's best to let Nature takes its course if possible, so hopefully labour starts on its own before then but as a last resort we'll induce. I am just SOOOO ready for this to be over now. Enough is enough. Why do they call it nine months? It's actually ten months really! I've gone over 40 weeks now.

It definitely feels like something is happening. I've had a lot more pain, for longer intervals. At one point I actually thought "Is this it? Could this be labour?" So much pain and pressure. I felt twice as heavy. It was like the baby was pushing down, trying to come out. But there was no regularity, no intervals. Just solid pain. Nothing I'd read about labour contractions sounded like this. This must just be the body getting ready. I feel so much heavier. It's even harder to walk. My feet are even more swollen and sore. Even my hands and fingers are swelling up.

Most of the time my abdomen feels very firm. Hard. Tight as a drum. Sometimes though, usually when I get up in the morning, it's really soft at the bottom of my stomach. I had heard that your tummy gets soft when you're getting ready for labour. I don't know. Every woman has such a different story of how her labour began that it doesn't really help. Even one woman could have three very different stories of her experiences with her three kids. You just don't know. Until it happens, you don't know how it will be for you.

The due date is kind of a tease. All those months you count down and prepare for that day and then it comes and goes and nothing happens. It's a bit anti-climactic. No other life event would be like that. Then again it is just a guess, really. Not carved in stone. It's just meant to give you a vague idea. Some people have the baby sooner, some (lucky saps like me!) have the baby later. People kept telling me that it's common to go past your due date when it's your first child. How many people actually deliver on their due date I wonder? I like to plan and be prepared. But if this baby has taught me anything, it's that you can't plan and prepare! She is the biggest surprise of my life as it is. I just have to go with the flow and be grateful for this incredible gift, whenever she comes.

I asked the doctor at my last appointment if it was safe to make a long drive. She said go for it. So we went to my baby brother Mike's house over the weekend to celebrate my niece Eve's birthday. I thought my baby  might end up having the same birthday (it seems to happen a lot in our family) but it didn't quite pan out that way. My Mom was worried about me making a long trip in case I went into labour (Mom worries about everything!) I thought, I should be so lucky! Besides from what I understand of labour, especially with your first child, even when it starts it's a long process, a whole day thing so we'd have more than enough time to get to the hospital. If worse came to worst, I could go to the hospital in town. Of course it didn't come to that. The car ride was a bit of an adventure though. My poor sister had hurt her back just before we left so she had a pillow behind her and some ibuprofen for the pain. I had my bum wrist (carpal tunnel in left arm) and big ole 10 month pregnant belly to contend with. It hurts to sit in a car for a long stretch these days and I swear someone needs to invent something to make seatbelts more comfortable for pregnant women because THEY ARE BRUTAL! The pressure on my already stretched out sore abdomen is no picnic. Between the baby camped out headfirst on my bladder/colon and the seatbelt crushing my stomach as well, the pressure to go to the bathroom was intense.

I had to go to the washroom really badly a couple of times during the trip and that proved to be a nightmare. The first time we stopped was at a seedy looking gas station which surprisingly had very accommodating facilities around the back. A toilet that flushed. A sink, soap, paper towels. I was in Heaven. What a relief! The weight of the baby on everything these days is a bit much. Plus it seems like my system is cleaning itself out. I have to run with the runs more often than usual now. (Having suffered from IBS for years, I was no stranger to bathroom blues but it is far worse now that a full sized baby is pushing on the area.) Unfortunately, the next time Nature called, there was nowhere convenient to answer it. We stopped at a convenience store/cafe and I waddled in asking to use their bathroom. The most unfriendly Korean woman on the planet barked at me "No bathroom!" Now I'm pretty sure they have an employee washroom because with nothing else around, she would have to squat behind the store. And I doubt she does that. You would think that seeing a 10 month pregnant woman frantically waddle into your store out of breath might elicit an ounce of compassion. You would be wrong. The next place we stopped was a restaurant with 20 signs posted saying that bathrooms were for customers only. I was willing to take my chances anyway but it was locked. Then we finally found somewhere with an available public bathroom unfortunately the ladies room had a toilet with a broken handle (wouldn't flush), no toilet paper or soap. There was no way I could do what I needed to do (a possibly volcanic #2) under those conditions. I had flashbacks to the scene in "Bridesmaids" where they are trying on dresses in an exclusive boutique and are overcome by the after-effects of food poisoning. Those sorts of things are hilarious (albeit disgusting) in a movie. It's not so funny when it's happening to you. I wasn't about to squat in the street or to leave my mark in an out of order toilet. So I went into the men's bathroom. What's the difference? Just a stick figure on the door not wearing a skirt. The toilet flushed, they had toilet paper and soap so I felt like I'd won the lottery.

We finally made it to my brother's place and had a very nice visit. Though I'm feeling a lot more pressure a lot lower (ironically they call it "lightening" but you feel heavier than ever) it doesn't look like the baby is any lower. My belly looks like it's still up in my ribs. It's very uncomfortable to sit, nearly impossible to walk. My feet are more swollen than ever. I look and feel like an absolute whale. The belly is like an entity. It has taken on a life of its own! I can barely even move with it now.

You have to love kids and their unabashed honesty. Eve informed me that I was "really big!" I had to agree. My precocious nephew James told me that a new baby was going to be a lot of work and that I was going to have to feed my baby "milk from my boobs!" I told him that yes I would. My youngest niece Kayla used me as a large (and I do mean gigantic!) sticker book, placing stickers on my massive belly and swollen legs. She found it quite amusing. I was feeling too weak to protest. I think letting kids walk all over me is good training for having my own little one. She's already completely taken me over and she hasn't even been born yet!

 

Dinner was great, but dessert bordered on a religious experience! My sister in law made the most delicious brownies I have ever tasted in my life. Now I know it's not ideal to be having sugar and all. It's not great for the baby etc. But Hell, at this point, I'm close to 200 lbs. I'm ready to explode. I'm uncomfortable 99% of the time. I think I deserve to indulge now and then. So I couldn't say no to a second helping!

The ride home proved to be quite an adventure as well. The sky darkened, peals of thunder began, bolts of lightning and then rain so thick you could barely see the road. Traffic was backed up and crawling. My Mom was suggesting we stop somewhere. My sister and I informed her why that was the worst possible idea. Why be stranded in some random town? We might as well be making our way home slowly rather than not at all. I suggested the rain might let up as we continued driving. Sometimes I've been caught in heavy rainstorms and drove right past them, the next town would be mysteriously dry without a single drop. Once again of course I did have to stop for a bathroom break. I just can't hold it anymore. There is far too much weight and pressure down there these days with the baby pushing down headfirst on all my plumbing. By the time we got to the highway, the rain had eased up. At least that would be the last long trip I'd ever have to make while pregnant.

People have been calling and emailing to ask about the baby and I've had to tell everyone that no, she hasn't shown up yet. I am anxiously awaiting her. I am also anxious to get my body back, at least to some degree. A few kind people have suggested that I'm carrying the weight well, that it's all baby and water weight and will most likely vanish instantly when I give birth. So here's hoping! One woman with slim little legs, tiny ankles in gold high heeled shoes nearly made me cry. I looked at my cankles and tree trunk legs and shook my head. I was 125 lbs this time last year. It's OK. I will get there again. Maybe...

I can't even believe how heavy I feel right now. Even just since I left the doctor's office. It's like her examining me did something. Now baby is just hanging there, waiting to come out. My belly and legs and feet weigh a million pounds. I can barely move. Maybe I won't need to be induced. Maybe I'll have the baby tomorrow, or the next day. Sometime over the weekend. It's hard to know what to think or what to do. I just have to wait. And at least I know that if nothing else, I will be induced and have my baby on July 30th. I will be a Mommy before August hits!

I have been through a lot over the past nine months. There were many points where I wondered how I would get through. I always found that I was stronger than I thought and that everything would be OK.

As difficult as this late stage is, I know that I will get through it. I know that the end is in sight. And the most important beginning in my lifetime. A whole new adventure. A baby. I'm excited. I'm scared. At this point, I'm mostly just eager to get on with it!

Nesting!

I had heard about and experienced my own version of "nesting" many months ago. Back then it manifested as wanting to paint the nursery, organize baby clothes etc. It is also a phenomenon late in the pregnancy when you're suddenly overcome by the urge to clean and tidy the house just before baby's arrival. I wasn't feeling the slightest desire to clean at first but after going through a period of fatigue I did have a sudden surge of energy and began a mega organization/decluttering kick. I emptied out my cold cellar. My ex had "organized" it for me while he was living here, basically Tetris-ed boxes and containers neatly like puzzle pieces stacked floor to ceiling. He meant well I suppose -- at least in that instance, in others, not so much! -- Unfortunately he buried the things that I needed access to and kept a lot of things I don't need/want at all and I should have thrown out years ago. So I reorganized it (yes Mom, I had to lift a few heavy boxes and containers by my lonesome! I'm a stubborn bull, deal with it!) in a way that makes more sense so I can get what I need. I also got rid of the empty boxes and clutter which were just taking up space unnecessarily.

It felt so good to get rid of things! It's very cleansing for the spirit, very Feng Shui to remove dead energy that's weighing you down and to have space to breathe again. I filled several bags with trash, several with donations for thrift shops and some with items I'll either keep or try to sell. The remaining storage items were put back in the cold cellar in an orderly fashion that allows me to get what I need and the things that I won't need any time soon are tucked away in the back. I know that M was trying to help (considering he stayed at home while I was out working hard for 12 hour shifts he had to do something to feel remotely useful) but it's really hard to organize someone else's things because you really don't know what's important to them and you'll probably get it wrong.

So in the throes of my organization mission, in 40 degree celsius heat, I loaded up the car with my bags for the thrift store. I filled the trunk and back seats. I had called ahead to make sure they were accepting donations and that there wasn't a limit. I told him I'm 9 months pregnant "Oh, you're nesting!" he replied warmly. "Oh yeah!" I agreed. He said that someone would come out to help me unload when I got there.

When I showed up there was nowhere nearby to park. I waddled in with the first two bags, sweating, panting, holding my belly. The cashier was having a conversation with a couple of customers. I finally got her attention and she asked with concern "You're not going into labour, are you?!" "No," pant "but can I please," wheeze "get some help?" gasp. My lungs aren't what they used to be. I'm easily winded. Add exertion and heat to the mix and it's a miracle I can breathe at all! A nice older man came out and loaded a cart with the bags for me. Once my car was empty, I felt lighter. It was like a burden was lifted off my shoulders.

It felt good to clear things out and to have the basement tidy for a change. It had been in a state of disarray for a while and I just kept putting off doing anything about it. I saw a very disturbing episode of "Hoarding: Buried Alive" the other day which inspired me. It featured a man who was a level 5 hoarder, basically as bad as it gets. He had filled a one bedroom apartment with enough debris to fill three large trucks. There was an absolute sea of belongings, piled so high that as they walked on top of it, they could touch the ceiling! You couldn't even tell what the rooms were anymore because they were buried. It was overwhelming. Somehow they managed to get through it. He had purchased a new house and the show ended with him in his new place, turning over a new leaf. In his case, and in most cases of hoarders, it stemmed from depression, loss, loneliness and the urge to fill a void in his life. It's an addiction to things. Like any other addiction, carried to excess, it destroys you. You get your fix and feel happy for the moment but it's never enough. You need more and more. Before you know it, you're out of control and drowning in the mess you've made of your life.

I can sympathize. My Mom was always a shop-a-holic, packrat and I inherited a little of the tendency. I have to be careful. When I like something I tend to like it too much. I can go overboard. (The ocean theme for instance, has taken over my house. But I love it!) I have a number of collections. (Barbies, bears when I was younger. I don't collect them anymore but I am fond of those I have. They were in my guest room. They were relocated to the basement when M moved in. He demanded a space for his office. It was meant to be because when he left the room was free to transform into the nursery.) I think the important thing about collecting is to know when to stop, to keep it organized and aesthetically pleasing. I knew other Barbie collectors back in the day who kept their dolls in the box, stacked in closets and under the bed. What is the point of a collection you don't enjoy? It's not just about amassing things. It's about appreciating the beauty of the items, as works of art. My dolls are in glass cabinets where I can admire them. The designer dolls are my favourites. I haven't collected for years (buying a house pretty much did away with any disposable income I had in my youth!) but I still enjoy seeing them and remembering that period in my life (I used to attend conventions and was even in a Barbie club with a bunch of gay men. We got together once a month, went on field trips etc. It was a riot.) I always want my home to look like a home, not a storage unit for collectibles. As your tastes change over time, you just have to be willing to let things go. Out with the old, in with the new. I went through a Victorian/gothic phase but I love modern decor now and have let a lot of the fussy and frilly items go.

I'm feeling more positive and more driven than I have in a while. It's a good thing. Bringing order to chaos is empowering. It helps me to feel in control. Instead of just waiting around for labour (something which I can't control), I'm taking action, doing something constructive. I feel better when things are organized. Clutter drains me. It hurts my soul. I breathe better, feel happier when energy can flow through the house. When everything looks beautiful and tidy. A harmonious physical space leads to a peaceful spiritual space. Shows like Hoarders and Hoarding: Buried Alive show the psychological damage that clutter creates. It's a vicious cycle. The mess is borne out of pain, loss, loneliness and desperation and perpetuates those feelings -- causing more pain, greater loss, isolation, hopelessness. People literally bury themselves in their problems until they can't see a way out.

Knowing that my baby is coming home is the best motivation to clear out things that I don't want or need, that don't add anything to my life or my home. A lot of it was stuff that I hadn't unpacked since I moved here in 2005. I probably shouldn't have even moved it. At the time it was hard to let go so I just left things in boxes and bags. They were just taking up space. If you haven't wanted/needed something in 7 years, it's probably safe to get rid of it! Letting go is therapeutic. It's saying goodbye to the past and making room for the present and the future.

I cleared out the garage too. I got sick of seeing things piled up out there. I cut/crushed the cardboard boxes. Got rid of waste. Relocated things that I will actually use. It's a great feeling of relief (for a control freak!) when everything is in its place. Cleanliness is next to godliness after all. Perfect divine order.

I guess "nesting" can take different forms for everyone. It's basically feathering the nest, getting your home ready for baby. For some it's scrubbing grout. For me it was mostly decluttering. I love when things are organized. And I certainly don't want to be tripping over, bumping into things when I bring baby home. I will need extra room for baby gear and toys as well.

Apparently most pregnant animals (birds, mammals, humans) have the nesting instinct, the urge to prepare a home for their newborn. Kangaroos are one exception. They don't feel the need because they already have a built-in nest attached to them (their pouches) that is a cozy perfect home for their new baby. I feel a bit like a kangaroo these days carrying my baby around in my massive pouch! And little Roo is kicking around in there as much as ever. You'd think she would have run out of room by now! I read that they refer to bonding with your newborn as "kangaroo care." Close physical contact, breastfeeding, holding your baby, especially against your bare chest helps to form a bond that makes them feel safe and loved. It's so important to give a baby this nurturing because it will be imprinted in them for life. It is the most important thing you can teach a child -- how to love and be loved, how to get close to another human. Not having that nurturing early in life can have disastrous effects, can render them incapable of ever having healthy human relationships. Just look at my ex...

My mother (and this is the same woman who guilted me into cleaning weeks ago when I had no energy at all) tells me to be careful and not overdo it. She thinks I should conserve my energy and get lots of sleep because soon I may not get any. I figure the best thing is to go with the flow, to listen to my body and the baby. When I'm exhausted, I'll rest. When I have energy, I'm using it! There is a lot to do and it only makes sense to do it when I'm motivated to move. Once I have the baby at home with me it would be much more difficult (if not impossible) to get these things done.

I've also been busy getting other things in order like my finances which have been a huge source of stress. I've had to rethink a lot of things. I sat down with a very nice girl at the bank and went over my options. We came up with a plan that's a little more liveable for me. You just never know how your life is going to change and you have to adapt accordingly. I was panicked for a while there but I'm trying to stay positive. There is always a solution. It just may not be the one you expect. I never thought I'd be a single Mom but here I am. I am grateful and excited about the baby. She is worth any sacrifice I have to make. She is my priority now.

I know that we will be OK because we have to be. I just have to be more careful with my money than ever. I've become a little more blunt with telemarketers. I have even less time or patience for marketing spiels these days. I usually tell them "I'm a single Mom on a tight budget! Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying!" and then there's nothing they can say.

With so much on my mind sometimes it's nice to just zone out and escape into a fantasy world for a while. My friend kindly treated me to a matinee of "The Amazing Spiderman." It was amazing! I loved it! I always like superhero movies. The outcast turned hero formula has always been close to my heart. The special effects were incredible. The only embarassing thing was that I cried several times throughout the movie. I think I'm the only one who did. I'm so emotional these days. I was pulling out my tissue again and again. Then in the middle of the movie, in one of the action scenes where Spiderman is battling Lizard Man, I started to feel something happening down below. Uh oh. Pain. Pressure. More than the Braxton Hicks. I got a little scared. Please don't let me go into labour at the movies! My back was aching. It felt like a lead weight was pressing on my uterus and colon. Either the baby was dropping or had just gotten much heavier. Maybe I'd nibbled too much popcorn. Something was definitely going on. Maybe I just had to go to the bathroom. If this was Nature calling, it was more urgent than ever. I hate going to the bathroom in the middle of a movie but I didn't really have a choice. So out I waddled. At least I was alone in the washroom, thank goodness because I had a rather explosive (and noisy) episode in my stall. Sorry, I know, TMI! I had my own action movie going on in there! My body was battling the popcorn. The popcorn was winning...It was a relief to know that it was just my bowels and not the baby. I still got to see the tail end of the Spider-Lizard melee when I returned. Somehow in my absence they moved the fight from the sewer to the school.

It was strange coming out of the theatre afterward. Movies always transport me into another world. It's pure escapism. For those two hours in the dark I forget my own life for a while (until Nature calls to remind me!) Then you leave the dark cold theatre and head out to the hot sunny day and the world looks a little bit surreal. It's somewhat disorienting. I am grateful to my friend for suggesting the movie. Sometimes I need to take a break, mentally and physically from all that I have going on. The movie made me think how the world needs more heroes. There are some of course. You'll hear on the news about a Good Samaritan who rushes to save a stranger. People who stand up for what's right, try to make a difference. It's always good to know that there are good people out there, honest, kind, generous people with integrity. (Then there are people like my ex...Oh well. He did one good thing at least, even though that was accidental -- he gave me this unexpected gift, the miracle of this baby. So I am grateful to him for that.)

I am happy to report that chivalry may not be entirely dead. I've had several guys hold doors open for me lately, step aside to let me through, offer to help me with things. Strangers have been extra nice it seems. One even called me a "pretty Mama" (mind you that was a woman!) I guess my belly is so big now that people see me coming from miles away. I almost feel like a celebrity. "Look at the huge pregnant lady! She might give birth right now!" Or maybe because I've been feeling happier and more energetic I'm radiating a more positive energy and so attracting more favourable responses. I finally managed to get the item I had stood in line for that time at Canadian Tire (I mentioned my little episode of the endless customer service line in "Worrying, waddling, weeping: The Worst Trimester." Things were looking pretty bleak when I wrote that post but it seems everything has turned around now. I'm happier, have a lot more energy and things seem to be working out in my favour.) Even some random positive things and surprises have been happening -- I got my driveway sealed at no charge because they had the wrong address! They couldn't make me pay for it when it was their mistake so now I have a superblack driveway for free! I don't think the asphalt was that dark even when it was first paved. It's something I never would have done myself (I'll be on a very tight budget and cosmetic things for the house would be the very bottom of my priority list. Baby is at the top!) Still it's nice to get an unexpected gift. Those are the best.

Once everything was tidy and organized, I finally did give the house a thorough cleaning as well. And by thorough I mean like never before! In the kitchen for instance I usually just clean the counter and sink. This time I even polished the cupboards. Polished all the appliances (even the toaster.) Scrubbed out the microwave (you don't even want to know how bad it was in there! I think I've cleaned it maybe twice over the years!) Cleaned the inside of the fridge and even the TOP of the fridge (had to use a stepstool to get up there) which I have never done in the 6 1/2 years I've lived here! It felt good to wipe away almost 7 years worth of dust.

I figure the baby is the most important person I've ever brought home and I want everything perfect for her. Plus I know that after she comes I may not have the time or energy to do much aside from looking after her (feeding and changing every few hours from what I hear.) It's strange. A lot of it is probably biology, natural animal instinct, the body knows it's almost time and so kicks in extra reserves of strength to help you get things ready. I didn't have this much energy before I was pregnant! I was a procrastinator and had a hard time pushing myself to get things done. Now I have a massive belly and swollen feet yet I'm crouching down and stretching up to clean the nooks and crannies that I barely knew were there before.

I reorganized the kitchen counter to make room for the baby's whale bath. Most people I have seen bathe their baby by the kitchen sink. I didn't think I had room to do that but I've made room now. It's like the instinct took over and I just knew what to do. I think it's a lot easier having the bath at that level than killing my back trying to bend over in the bathtub or on the floor.

My friend told me that everyone that she knows who had that burst of energy at the end of their pregnancy and went around cleaning went into labour very shortly afterward. So she thinks I could go any time now. "Save some of your strength!" she warned "You're going to need it for labour!" I guess we'll see. Maybe my baby will be early instead of late? Maybe this weekend? Or maybe she'll be right on time on Monday. I was born on a Monday too. "Monday's child is fair of face." She might be a pale little redhaired girl like her Mama...I really don't want her to be late. At least not by more than a day or so if she has to be.

Everyone I talk to has their own pregnancy story/opinion. They even warn you in some of the pregnancy books to ignore what everyone says because there isn't just one way for things to happen. Everyone is different and someone else's experience won't necessarily be yours. One guy said to me "I don't want to scare you but..." (and pretty much anytime someone begins a sentence that way, you should just ignore them because they WILL scare you!) He proceeded to tell me that when his wife was pregnant she went two weeks late which her doctor had said was normal for a first child. So they weren't worrying until toward the end when she couldn't feel the baby move and went to the hospital to find that the baby had been left too long, had all kinds of complications, almost didn't make it and went on to have developmental problems as a result. So I'm definitely telling my doctor at my appointment that if she still thinks I'm going late, let's not leave it too long! I know there are risks to inducing but there are risks to waiting too long as well. Maybe we can pick a backup date for induction so I don't have to worry. I know that when people have a caesarian they can pick their date. I don't want a caesarian but it would be nice to know for certain what day and time it's going to happen rather than waiting and wondering helplessly.

It still boggles my mind that all this is happening. Just a few days until my due date now. It doesn't seem like nine months have gone by. It almost seems like yesterday that I took the pregnancy test and saw that shocking yes. On the other hand, it has been an amazing journey and in some ways feels like a lifetime in itself. I've come so far. I feel so different than I did back in November. And my life is completely different. I didn't know back then that I'd be going through this without a partner but it feels good to be making it on my own. (Mind you, I do have an amazing support system of family and friends that I adore and am so grateful for.)

I'm ready. The nest is ready. Now I just have to wait for my baby bird to hatch!

Maternity Portraits by James Harvey Photography

The magic of photographs is that they capture the fleeting and make it immortal. Life is so precious and goes by so fast. To be able to freeze a moment in time and preserve it is truly magical.

An avid photographer myself, I take thousands of snapshots, obsessively trying to capture and record the story of my life in images. It's really special once in a while though to have someone who really knows what he's doing take your portrait...

A talented photographer friend of mine, James Harvey, (check out his website at: http://www.jamesharveyphotography.com/) offered to take some maternity portraits of me. Seeing as this is likely the only time I'll ever be pregnant (this baby was an unexpected miracle as it is!) it only makes sense to commemorate it with images. I think this shot in the doorway is my favourite. With the light behind me it's like a gateway to the unknown. Light, symbolizing hope. A bright future, full of promise. I like the expression he captured here. I look a little nervous but expectant, happy and hopeful which basically sums up my feelings as I approach my due date.

I also like this profile one, looking at my belly. Some days I really don't feel great but these photos remind me that being pregnant is a beautiful thing. And I know that one day I'll be very grateful to have them and be able to look back on this time and see my metamorphosis into a Mom.

When my sister was pregnant with her first child, my Mom snapped a photo of her on the stairs just as she was on the way to the hospital. I was so glad that we got that photo! I didn't remember her being that big! She was such a tiny thing before she got pregnant. At the time she had gained the weight gradually but looking back at that picture, you just see the end and it's a bit of a shock.

I know that one day I'll look back at these pictures and think "Wow! Was my belly really that big?!"

We even got some close-up shots of the belly. James had mentioned doing maternity photos a while ago but I wanted to wait until I was at my biggest, when my belly button popped out. I think I'm there! I can't imagine getting any bigger than this or I may explode! My skin is already stretched to the limit. I never thought I'd let someone take shots focusing on my bare belly (especially when I'm carrying an extra 45 lbs!) but I wanted souvenirs of this stage in my life. Voluptuous. Full of life.  

Given that I'm a huge fan of Scrabble (and M, my baby's father and I, used to play often) James and I thought it would be fun to do a couple of shots using Scrabble letters... 

"Coming Soon!" It's hard to believe that in a month or so my baby Michelle will be making her debut! Time is going by so quickly. The past 8 months really have flown by. It's still so surreal to me that in a month I'll be holding her in my arms. I can show her these pictures one day "Here you are in Mommy's tummy!" Hopefully she won't be mortified by them when she gets older. (But kids are always embarassed by their parents, aren't they? Or maybe I'll be a "cool Mom." Sure. Could happen!)

"Do you know what you're having?" curious stangers ask me and I very enthusiastically answer "A girl!" I was so excited when I finally got the news (at a 32 week ultrasound) that it was a girl. My doctor was still cautious about the results. When I visited her afterward she cautioned "Well, you can never be 100% certain. It's 99.9% a girl." "That's good enough for me!" I told her. At the 19 week ultrasound they could only tell me there was a 60-70% chance it was a girl because baby wasn't cooperating. Not knowing was killing me. I already had her name picked out from the beginning because I'd felt in my heart that it was a girl all along. We'd done the ring test and it always circled. Everyone had given me baby girl clothes. If it had been a boy, he would have been nameless and stuck with hundreds of pink sleepers. He also would've been stuck with a girlie girl Mom who's not into sports and has no idea how to be a Dad. (Being a Mom will be challenging enough!)

I usually don't like myself in pictures and it's hard to get one of me smiling a natural smile. James captured a couple. I am happy and excited about my baby and wanted that to reflect in the photos. It's been quite a journey so far but I really feel that it was meant to be. When I go through difficult days, I just have to remember that the end reward, holding my baby, is more than worth it. I want James to get some photos of my baby girl and I after she's born. We can juxtapose photos of me holding the belly and then holding the baby.

James wanted to get a couple of shots of me with my artwork. The nursery, as I've mentioned before, has an ocean theme and I painted a series of canvases featuring mermaids and babies. Once I put the artwork up it really started to feel like the nursery. Of course I'm still waiting on the furniture (My sister has graciously offered me her furniture now that my little nephew is getting bigger. I will have to twist my brother in law's arm to bring it here in his truck soon because I can't wait to see the room finished!)

We were heading down the stairs to go outside when James asked me to turn around for a moment as I stood on the landing. I love this shot. I have kind of a sweet impish grin and this angle, from above, really shows off my belly. It looks like I'm cradling a beach ball! After that we took some shots in my backyard, in natural light. He captured a very sweet expression there too. I was surprised at how much I liked myself in the photos because usually I look for my faults. James did a great job of making me feel like a proud, beautiful Mom. That's the gift of a good photographer.

James got a little artsy on me with these cool black and white photos with a shot of colour. To me it's very symbolic -- I'm blossoming, as a Mom. My baby will be my most beautiful flower and will bloom very soon!

James had also brought some blocks to spell out Michelle, my baby's name, and balanced it on my tummy. I really like the photo though I have to admit it's a challenge getting up off the floor these days!

I'm so grateful to James for doing these portraits for me. Though I've gotten several snapshots throughout my pregnancy (from family members or even just snapped myself) they don't compare with these pictures. These are very special to me.

James has done some amazing photos for me in the past when I was playing music. He snapped these at my CD release party for my album Magnetic in October of 2008. It was a magical night and I am so happy to have these shots to remember it by. James, you rock!!!

 

When I came back from Nashville and was writing country songs, James did this country girl shoot with me outside a barn...It was fun working with James and he always has a knack for making me comfortable and for capturing my personality in his images.

  

Looking back at these it seems like a lifetime ago. I couldn't possibly have imagined at the time that one day James would be taking maternity shots of me! My life and my dreams have changed rather drastically. Writing will always be a part of my life. And I will still be singing, but now I'll be singing lullabies to my baby.

This is why photographs are so important. They allow you to look back and cherish each step of your changing life journey. Life is short. Photos are forever! Seeing these pictures transports me back to those moments. I felt like a rockstar! And a country girl...

Preserve the moments that are special to you. If you're looking for a great photographer in the Guelph/tri-city area, give James a call. He specializes in portraits, baby and maternity photos and even does weddings. Here's a link to his website: 

http://www.jamesharveyphotography.com/



Thanks again James!

A Hot Mess!

Well it was the first official day of Summer and it was HOT. Record-breaking hot. 40 degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit). Over 45 with the humidex. Normally I don't mind the heat. Last Summer I would have been in a bikini, heading to the beach. This year, I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant. The idea of wearing a bikini isn't too appealing. And long road trips aren't as fun now that I'm not driving my convertible (which incidentally I still have to sell! Please let me know if you're in the market for a nearly new Mazda MX5!) and my feet and legs are blown up like balloons making driving uncomfortable at all.

It's tough to stay cool. I don't have air-conditioning. Luckily I have a big tower oscillating fan. It is a life-saver. Last night I tried to sleep in the basement but I just lay there for hours so I finally went up to my bedroom, with my big fan next to me and the window open. Thankfully the air had cooled down somewhat and I got a little sleep.

It's not easy. I've heard the second trimester of pregnancy referred to as the honeymoon phase and it was pretty good overall. Well the honeymoon is over! I'm at 35 weeks and I'm a hot mess! The heat certainly isn't helping but it's not all I have to deal with these days. I've been overly emotional, weepy, irritable. I hung up on my mother a couple of times (she's a worrier and can be very negative. I just can't deal with it when I'm already stressed and going through enough.) I still have to sell my car which is a big stress. Finances are a stress. Impending labour is a stress. The biggest change in my life, the unknown is a stress. Not to mention what I'm going through physically.

Whether it's the pregnancy hormones, the stress or the heat or a combination of all three, my skin has been erupting in bumps like never before. I have a whole whack of new skin tags. I've read they are common in pregnancy and are harmless, they're just a nuisance. They have an over the counter solution you can use to remove them but I wouldn't be able to use it during pregnancy. So I'm stuck with them for now. On top of that I'm getting other sore bumps here and there. Pimples and blisters and boils, oh my! It's no wonder my skin gets irritated given that I'm overflowing with hormones, carrying so much extra weight, have developed new folds here and there, am sweating profusely. I have a painful bump on my inner thigh which gets rubbed every time I walk because my legs touch now. I tried to put cream and a bandage on it but it doesn't stay because of the rubbing and the sweat. The only way I can keep my legs from touching is to try to walk bowl-legged which of course looks ridiculous. There are fewer and fewer clothes that fit me now and some of the things I was anxious to wear I am now apparently allergic to. My skin is so itchy (particularly my chest) that I can't stand anything against it that isn't soft cotton. I'm wondering now if a lot of the tops have nylon in them and I'm allergic to nylon. Not all of them have labels to tell you what the fabric is. They never bothered me before but my skin is different now. It seems my skin, and me, are much more sensitive these days.

Sometimes it's just overwhelming. Yesterday I just went down to the basement, curled into a ball and cried. My cat, Ali came to comfort me. She was so sweet. She even let out the cutest little cry. It's a sound I've never heard her make before. It's like she understands. She purred and snuggled up next to me until I felt better. Sometimes a good cry is all you need. Just a release. And I know a lot of it is hormones. I did some reading online and everything I was going through (the stress and the tears and the bumps) was all normal. That helps somewhat.

I met a friend for brunch today which was nice and then did a bit of shopping. When I waddled into one store from outside the clerk shook her head and smiled at me "You poor thing. You must REALLY be feeling this heat." "Oh yeah. And I don't have A/C at home."

In another store the cashier said "Pregnant in the Summer? You didn't plan that very well!"
"Honey I didn't plan it at all! Biggest surprise of my life!"

I was walking back to my car and was worried I would spontaneously combust so I ducked into a furnishings store just to get a breath of refreshing conditioned air. I guess my breathing had them a little worried and they asked me to sit down. It was a relief to sink into a soft chair in the cool store. "Ahhhh." The problem was it was hard to get up afterward!

Carrying this belly around is the biggest challenge. I have a hard time getting up. It's almost impossible to bend over. I have trouble breathing. Climbing the stairs is rough. I swear there are more stairs now somehow. Baby Michelle is moving much more aggressively. It's kind of fun to watch but sometimes I worry she's going to put a fist through my belly or just walk out of me when she's kicks really low.

I've reached a number on the scale that I never thought I would see in my lifetime. I know it's only temporary but it is still rather surreal. I try to keep my sense of humour about it. I'm thinking of learning to speak whale. (If you don't know Dory from "Finding Nemo" this won't really make much sense to you!)

Speaking of whales, I love this little Whale nightlight I got from the people at work! I had been wanting to find a sea theme nightlight for the nursery and didn't have much luck. This one is just perfect!

I also love this pink stuffed whale they gave me. She even plays music. I can't resist when I see any cute fish themed items to add to the nursery. I'm glad that people were paying attention and found some more ocean treasures for me.

I'm happy with the nursery. I can't wait to have the furniture (when my brother in law brings the crib, rocker and change table in his truck) and see it finished.

Of course I was obsessed with the ocean long before I started decorating the nursery. My Mom asked if my dreams of living on a tropical island were gone after suffering through this heat. I said no of course not. I won't always be pregnant (actually I would venture to say that I will likely NEVER be pregnant again! This miracle baby is my first, last and only. Unless I meet the most incredible man on Earth and love him so much that I'm willing and/or insane enough to attempt it again if he had his heart set on a child. Did I really just say that?! OK. It is HIGHLY UNLIKELY. But if there's one thing I've learned about life it's that it surprises you. My experiences in the past nine months have all been highly unlikely and against the odds, but here I sit. You just never know!) Anyway, no Mom I am not giving up on the whole island thing. I would still love it. Besides if I lived right near the ocean, the heat wouldn't be such a problem. I'd jump in right now! I suppose I could still drive to the beach here though there isn't one all that close. I should hit the beach at least once while pregnant. Just for kicks. I have a tankini that accommodates the belly... 

I used the heat as an excuse to go for an Oreo McFlurry. I just couldn't resist. My Mom suggested I have popsicles on hand to cool me down. I found these ones that are supposed to have real fruit juice in them, so presumably a little healthier. They're pretty good. Very refreshing. I'm not a big fan of plain water but I have been drinking more ice water. I have to stay hydrated when I'm sweating so much. I like water with a little lemon. Lemonade is delicious but loaded with sugar of course. I do love my sugar but I try to get my fix through fruit. I ate a bunch of grapes, an apple and some cold, sweet local strawberries to die for. 

I had almost forgotten I had these gel slippers hiding in the back of the fridge. The cool only lasts a couple of minutes but it's a nice treat for my hot, bloated feet for those minutes let me tell you! With the weight of my belly on top of the heat, my feet are blown up more than ever. So puffy they look like they're going to explode. I almost laugh when I see them. They don't even look like my feet. They look like the feet of a 400 lb man! Even elevating them doesn't seem to help. (Not that I put my feet up too often. I should be taking it easy but I usually don't. I always think of something else I should do.)

 

Another trick to stay cool is keeping my pjs in the freezer. Like the gel slippers, the cold only lasts a minute but it's soooooo refreshing for those brief moments it's worth it.

I'm starting to get a little tired so I think I'll grab my jammies from the icebox and hit the hay! At least the air outside is a bit cooler so I should be all right with the window open and my biggest fan next to me (one of my exes referred to himself as my biggest fan. He was pretty cool. He oscillated too. But it was never easy to sleep next to him...) 

They're calling for a thunderstorm tomorrow. I sure hope we get it. The lawn and garden need a drink. It would be a relief for me too. I think I'd almost be tempted to dance in the rain at this point. Then it's supposed to cool down on the weekend and next week it's going to go down to 20 degrees Celsius (68 Fahrenheit) which will be a nice break.

Despite some of the physical (mental and emotional) discomforts, I know that I'm very lucky to have had a healthy pregnancy and that everything has been pretty normal throughout. Being pregnant is a unique adventure. It is a gift. After all, I'm carrying a baby in this big ole belly! How amazing is that? It's all going to be more than worth it once I hold my baby in my arms. I know that I can look forward to future Summers at the beach, my little girl and me. And I may even look back a little wistfully at the Summer when I was pregnant. Especially since it will (probably) never happen again.