A Parent's Worst Nightmare

Of course there have been other horrific school shootings in the past, but the Sandy Hook School shooting on Friday December 14th in Newtown, Connecticut affected me more deeply than any other for a couple of reasons. This time it was an elementary school and most of the victims were younger than ever (six years old). Also this time I'm a Mom and listening to the story as a parent makes it that much more disturbing. It's a parent's worst nightmare to have something happen to your child. Your child is the most precious thing in your life. My heart goes out to the families of the victims. I can't begin to imagine how they can cope with this horrible tragedy. You drop your kids off at school in the morning. Then you get a message on your phone that there's been a shooting at their school. You rush there frantically, not knowing what to expect. You wait helplessly for news. You watch as other parents are reunited with their kids who had been evacuated safely. Then you are told that if you haven't been reunited with your child, you won't be, ever again. Though authorities hadn't identified the victims (a process that was going to take many more hours to accomplish) it was obvious to distraught parents that their missing children were among the victims inside the school.

Normally I don't watch the news (I can't stand doom and gloom. It's depressing and makes me feel helpless. The news is always bad news. It's all negative. I try to focus on the beauty of life, not the darkness) but when this story broke it was everywhere. I had Dr. Oz on TV while I was nursing Michelle and suddenly saw a banner at the bottom of the screen saying there had been a shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut. An ELEMENTARY SCHOOL?! What the?! I tuned in to CNN to hear the full story. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could someone shoot children? Even the most cold-blooded of killers throughout history usually choose adult victims. Children are so innocent. To even think of harming them is beyond despicable which is why even among criminals it is believed that anyone who hurts a child (a pedophile for example) is vile, detestable and deserves to be punished accordingly (in prison they often have to be separated from other inmates who might beat or kill them.) To harm a child is unthinkable. It's beyond evil. Even the most hardened criminals know that.

All I kept thinking was "Why?!" Reporters were asking the same thing, wondering what possible motive there could be for someone to forcibly enter a school and murder 20 children and 6 adults? No one seemed to have an answer. Only one or two people may have been able to answer that (the shooter and his mother) and they're no longer alive to ask.

Later I searched online to see what I could find out about the gunman.

The shooter, Adam Lanza, was 20 years old. He had killed his mother, Nancy Lanza, a retired teacher from Sandy Hook, in her home then drove her car to the school where he shot the principal, a psychologist, other staff and a large number of students aged 6-7 years old with his mother's high powered rifle before finally killing himself. The guns (a Bushmaster .223 caliber high powered rifle which was used in the murders, as well as a Glock 10 mm and Sig Sauer 9 mm found onscene) were registered to his mother. His parents were divorced. His father and older brother Ryan lived out of town (apparently he had 24 year old Ryan's identification on him which led investigators to believe his brother was the killer at first). He lived in a nice home. People described him as intelligent (some even called him a genius), quiet, mild-mannered and polite. Others referred to him as awkward, socially inept and withdrawn. Apparently he had Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism. The disorder is marked by difficulty communicating and a lack of empathy which can make social interaction a challenge. This certainly in no way explains how he would be driven to senselessly kill a class full of children and educators. There is no evidence that Asperger's leads to violent crime. Others suggested that he had a personality disorder. It's hard to say if he may have been suffering from another mental illness (such as schizophrenia) which hadn't been diagnosed. One would think there must have been some warning signs. He had no criminal record but there must have been some red flags in his behaviour. You don't wake up one day and become a killer. I read that his mother was no longer working so that she could be home with Adam to take care of him. Obviously his mother was aware he had issues but presumably didn't know how bad it was. If she had known what a danger he was, to himself and others (including herself) one would assume she'd have been more careful about keeping her weaponry out of his hands.

The incident is heartbreaking but more than that, it is infuriating. The only thing worse than an unspeakable tragedy is a preventable one. This shouldn't have happened. Why is it so easy in the United States to acquire guns? They should be banned. Aside from the military and law enforcement, NO ONE should be allowed to have them. There are far too many incidents where they end up in the wrong hands -- sometimes the hands of disturbed men who go on a killing spree and sometimes (which doesn't always make the news) in the hands of children who end up accidentally injuring or killing themselves or others. I don't know why on earth Nancy Lanza felt she needed an arsenal of weapons (including several handguns and assault rifles) in her home but if she had even an inkling that her son was mentally and emotionally unstable she should have kept them well hidden and under lock and key. If she hadn't become one of the victims I think she would have to be considered an accomplice to murder and charged with criminal negligence causing death because she gave her son the means to become a grim reaper and massacre a room filled with innocent people, including small children. Shooters are cowards. Stop giving them guns to hide behind! Obviously something was terribly wrong with Adam, whether he suffered a psychotic episode or whatever led him to this heinous act but if he didn't have access to guns, he could not have done what he did. If he snapped for whatever reason, he may have taken his own life by some other means, but at least the lives of the victims would have been spared. Armed with only a knife he probably wouldn't have made it past the school's new security measures and even if he did, an assailant with a knife is limited and much easier to subdue. No one stands a chance against a gun, so it gives the weak and desperate a feeling of power. Guns should be banned. They should be destroyed. No longer manufactured. No longer sold. No longer allowed. If they no longer existed then the majority of violent crime would be eliminated. I hope this devestating incident is enough to send the message. It has to stop. The U.S. can not allow innocent children to be slaughtered this way again.

It's impossible to know what the killer was thinking. Was he angry with his mother, with himself? Why take it out on strangers and innocent children? There was some speculation that maybe he'd had an argument with administrators at the school, but apparently that was unfounded. He had no previous altercation with the school, seemingly no cause for anger toward them. Did he suffer a psychotic episode? Was he having hallucinations or delusions? What was he trying to accomplish? Unless there was a note or unless his brother can shed some light on the matter, we may never know.

I don't know what the process is to acquire a gun in the U.S. I would hope that there is at least a process. A background check. A psychological exam. Of course even if the one purchasing the gun is a stable, upstanding citizen, what if they happen to have a psychotic son living with them? Shouldn't there be laws about keeping the guns locked safely away, not where they can be accessed? If it weren't so easy to buy a gun in the U.S., maybe there wouldn't be so many shootings. Of course people argue that most killers don't use registered weapons, there are so many unregistered ones, black market ones out there. My feeling is that it's too bad guns exist at all. Nancy Lanza had several guns. It appears she was a bit of an enthusiast (if only she'd had another, less deadly hobby!) If it weren't for her collection, 26 people would be celebrating the holidays with their families instead of lying in a morgue. Adam couldn't have procured a weapon on his own (apparently he tried to and was denied. You have to be 21 years old to register guns in Connecticut.) Without his mother's rifle whatever insane and homicidal impulses he had would have remained in his head and not acted out.

It's maddening. You can't help but wonder what if. What if we could go back in time and Adam could get the psychological help he needs whether through counselling or other treatment? What if Nancy didn't have all those guns or at the very least didn't have them out in the open where Adam could get his hands on them? What if on December 14th, Adam just had a breakdown while in the care of mental health specialists who could help him and the kids at Sandy Hook Elementary enjoyed an uneventful sunny day at school? If only we could go back and undo the mistakes that led to the deaths of so many beautiful, kind, happy, innocent people, including young children who had their whole lives ahead of them. Of course there is no going back. We can only move forward.

To the parents and families of the victims I want to extend my most heartfelt condolences. Also to the surviving students and teachers I empathize with the horror, the fear and grief you must be suffering after what you've encountered. We may never understand why this happened. All we can do is pray that it never happens again and hope that the powers that be will take a stand and put an end to this madness once and for all.

Newtown was a charming, safe, peaceful town with a low crime rate. There had only been one homicide there in the past decade. Now suddenly 28 members of the community had been killed in one day, in less than an hour. No one could have imagined something like this happening there. The town was so close knit that everyone was affected by the tragedy, even if not directly, the victims were people that they knew -- friends, acquaintances. Hundreds flocked to the vigil that was held at Newton's Saint Rose of Lima Church that night. And around the world, millions were praying for peace and comfort for the distraught families of the victims. A massacre like this would be shocking anywhere, even in a high crime urban area. The fact that it happened in a sweet little town like Newtown is a terrifying reminder that it can happen anywhere. Anywhere that guns are allowed. Guns are powerful instruments of evil. They can turn a quiet, polite boy into a monster. They can turn a peaceful town and a classroom full of angels into an unimaginable hell.

I don't know how the families can get through their loss, especially at this time of year. The only comfort they may find is that if they believe in an afterlife they can be sure that their loved ones are in a better place. A beautiful place where there is no violence, no suffering, no pain.

Heaven welcomes 26 more angels this Christmas. Their names are:

(children 6 and 7 years old)
Charlotte Bacon
Daniel Barden
Olivia Engel
Josephine Gay
Dylan Hockley
Madeleine Hsu
Catherine Hubbard
Chase Kowalski
Jesse Lewis
Ana Marquez-Greene
James Mattioli
Grace McDonnell
Emilie Parker
Jack Pinto
Noah Pozner
Caroline Previdi
Jessica Rekos
Avielle Richman
Benjamin Wheeler
Allison Wyatt

(school staff --)
Dawn Hochsprung
Anne Marie Murphy
Lauren Gabrielle Rousseau
Mary Sherlach
Victoria Soto
Rachel Davino

and Nancy Lanza, who was reputedly a kind and loving woman. Unfortunately for herself and the others she made two fatal errors -- collecting guns and allowing her son access to them.

May the victims rest in peace and may their families find peace and healing eventually. May they cherish the memories they shared with their loved ones and focus on their lives instead of their deaths. The people in our lives are a gift, however long they are with us, and we have to be grateful for them. We can also find comfort in the belief that we will be reunited with them again, in Heaven.

At least it seems that this incident has served as a final wake up call to the nation. President Obama has said that he's committed to action on gun control. Whatever that means. Probably not (as I would wish) completely doing away with guns altogether. At least maybe they will be a little more careful about how they sell them and who they sell them to. There are people that won't be happy about it. Frankly that shouldn't matter. According to their Bill of Rights, Americans have "the right to bear arms." I'm sure this was meant as a right to have a weapon to defend oneself against attack (as in a war). I'm sure the phrase was not meant to endorse guns being used against innocent victims, including children. It would seem to me that the right to own guns is anathema to other more important rights -- "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Anyone with a heart, anyone who is a parent, anyone with any compassion or decency has to see that incidents like this can never happen again. America has to take a stand to prevent it. Guns are anti-life. Plain and simple.

This incident may make people more fearful. They may see the world as a dangerous place. I don't think living in fear is the answer. The truth is that most people are basically good. Unfortunately some people are evil. Some are broken. Some lash out in ways that we may never understand. While we may not be able to fix or cure them all, we can at the very least try to reduce the damage that they can do. We can look for warning signs and try to get them help before they are out of control. Most importantly, we can take away their guns! For so long it seems that weapons have been glamourized in movies and in video games. It's one thing for a video game character to walk into a room and annihilate everyone in it. It's quite another thing when someone does that in real life. It's time that people tell it like it is: GUNS ARE FOR COWARDS! Imagine what a beautiful world it would be without them. None of these killing sprees could happen.

A story like this makes you realize just how precious and fragile life is. Our children are our hearts. They are our future. After hearing about the tragedy, I held Michelle tighter than ever. I am so grateful to have her in my life. She is everything to me. I love her so much that I want to protect her from ever being hurt. I start to understand why my Mom was so overprotective with us. Bad things can happen. As much as you try to live in order and harmony, you can't control the world. You can't eliminate all chaos and cruelty, all random acts, all violence, all tragedy. But you do your best. You can take precautions. You try to keep your children safe from danger. Life is precious and must be protected. Especially the lives of our children.

Happy Anniversary!

My parents just celebrated their anniversary recently. Last year it was their Golden Anniversary. Fifty years. It's hard to believe two people could stay together that long! They met at a dance. It must have been fate. If they hadn't met, 11 incredible people wouldn't exist -- four children and seven grandchildren.  

I remember one time when we were at a relative's wedding they were going around to each table with a video camera, asking couples for advice to give the newlyweds. "What is your secret to a lasting marriage?" they asked my Mom. Without missing a beat she answered "Tolerance." Hardly the stuff of fairytales! But then Mom is more pragmatic than romantic. The truth is that when you are with someone a very long time, you do have to tolerate each other. There are times when they get on your nerves. There are times you disagree. There are times you just want to run and never look back but if you love each other, you stay, even through the worst of times. That's why they say "For better, or for worse" because there are times it will be worse. There is no such thing as "happily ever after" in real life. You can't be happy every day. Life isn't perfect. My Mom and Dad may not have an epic romance but they have a partnership that works. Mom is good at some things, Dad is good at others, and so everything gets done. They don't have everything in common. Dad likes sports and likes going for walks. Mom hates sports and likes to stay indoors. They each have their own space. My dad barely speaks. Mom barely stops talking. Like yin and yang, they balance each other out!

The reason I never married (well one of the reasons) was that I wasn't willing to settle. It seemed to me that there were two kinds of love. Some men (well, boys really) I loved as friends, a platonic sort of love. I felt comfortable and safe with them. We had fun together but it seemed like something was missing. I longed for passion and excitement. Then there were other boys that I loved romantically, that I was "in love" with. They gave me butterflies. I felt so alive. But it didn't last. Each time it would self-destruct. There was no stability, no security. What I really wanted and needed was both -- someone who could be my best friend and lover. Someone that I trusted and felt comfortable and safe with but who also gave me butterflies. That can be pretty hard to find. My longest relationship was nine years. That was as close as I came to a marriage or long term commitment. Actually nine years is longer than some marriages last! Mind you, we did break up every three years or so and then get back together. So if you deduct the time apart I suppose it was more like eight years! We kept breaking up because we were opposites and would get frustrated when we couldn't meet in the middle. Then we would get back together because what we had was so strong and we didn't want to trash all the memories we'd shared together (Europe, NYC and so many other adventures and inside jokes.) We had invested so much time in it that it was hard to let go. And we kept getting sucked back in. It's tough to keep a relationship alive after that many years. You take each other for granted. When you see someone day in and day out, you get so used to them you stop cherishing them. After we'd break up, we'd miss each other. So we'd get back together thinking, this time will be different. We'll change. We'll compromise. We won't fight. But nothing would change. At first it was wonderful. We were on our best behaviour but before too long we were back to the same old patterns. I wanted him to be more like me (emotional, intense) and he wanted me to be more laid back like him. The biggest mistake you can make in a relationship is thinking that you can change someone. If you can't love and accept them as they are, then they are not for you.

I always thought that if I met the right person that we would fall in love and stay in love, even into our old age, that we would still hold hands, still laugh, still dance, still say "I love you" every day. You see it in the movies but not as often in real life. Being a hopeless romantic, I kept looking for that fairytale love. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of it, but it would fall apart. I had my heart broken so many times. I fell for all the wrong men. The weirder they were, the harder I fell. I had a penchant for broken boys. Somehow drama felt like love but it was more tragedy than romance. I wanted to believe that you could have passion and friendship in one person. A soulmate. Someone you could share forever with. But in my experience it seemed as though friendship and passion were opposites. You couldn't have both. So I swung back and forth between two opposite kinds of men. And it never seemed to work. I never found my Mr. Right. So I remained single into my 40s. And suddenly my world was turned on its head. I found my greatest love and it wasn't at all what I expected. It wasn't a man. It was a little girl. A miracle. An unexpected gift. Baby Michelle is the love of my life and my biggest commitment ever! It's an entirely different kind of love than any I've known. Everyone tried to tell me that the love you feel as a parent trumps absolutely everything else. I couldn't understand until I had my own child.

My Mom and Dad are very proud of their seventh grandchild. Michelle and I went to visit and she was in very good spirits, smiling and laughing for her Grandma and Grandpa. My dad was so pleased to see her smile at him. He was hurt when he tried to pick her up before and she'd cried. I told him not to take it personally. Sometimes she's just moody and doesn't want anyone but Mama. Other times she's quite friendly and will let other people hold her (which gives my poor arms a much needed break! My left arm was hurting so much from carrying her that I switched to my right, only to damage my right arm as well! I'm running out of arms!)

Michelle looks like she's going to roll on the floor laughing with my Mom. She still has mostly a silent laugh. I can't wait until she can laugh out loud. Yes my Mom already has her Christmas tree up. She always puts it up in November. So do I. I usually wait for the Santa Claus parade. I try to have it up before my Mom's birthday so that the family can see it since they won't be at my place for Christmas. I didn't know how I'd manage to put the tree up this year with the baby but I rushed to put it together while she was asleep. I'm hosting my Mom's birthday party this weekend. The whole gang will be there and I wanted them to see the tree. I love the tree. It makes the room so cozy and I figure you might as well enjoy it as long as you can. I've been singing Christmas carols to Michelle. I wondered what she'd think of the tree when she saw it. She did seem fascinated by the lights and glittery ornaments. It must be strange to wake up one day and find that your world has changed overnight, that suddenly there's a big white tree with silver and turquoise ornaments in the living room!

I'm so relieved to have the tree up. I still have a million things to do but the tree was the fun part! It is definitely tricky getting things done with the baby. She doesn't let me shop more than 15 minutes. She doesn't nap much during the day (if at all) and sometimes won't even settle down at night so it's a real challenge trying to prepare for my Mom's birthday party. You just grab a few minutes here and there when you can. At least I don't have to worry about cooking. I'm just ordering in. I was no Martha Stewart even before I had the baby!

I hosted my Mother's birthday party last year. That was before I knew I was pregnant. It was that night that Mike had taken one of the balloons and stuck it under my shirt as a joke. I told him not to put that into the universe but I must have been pregnant already because the next week I was late and when I took a pregnancy test, it was positive. It still blows my mind. If I hadn't met Mike, Michelle wouldn't exist. It was meant to be. Life leads us where we're meant to go.

I don't know if I'll ever find my soulmate. He would have to be a pretty amazing multifaceted guy. Strong and sensitive with a great sense of humour. Smart. Stable. Sincere. He'd have to be not only a perfect partner for me but a wonderful father for Michelle. That's a pretty tall order. So I won't hold my breath! I'm not looking for Mr. Right anymore. If he finds me, great and if he doesn't that's fine. My heart belongs to Michelle anyway. And I will love, honour and cherish her for better and for worse as long as I live.