MAYhem

It seems like a lifetime since I've posted but it's only been since April. I meant to write something in May but May was a hectic month and gone in a blur. Now I don't even know where to begin. It was a rough month. Between working and special occasions there was so much going on it seemed like I never had a chance to catch my breath. I'm fortunate to have a job where I'm home more days than I work. The down side is that when I do work the shifts are very long (14-15 hours with the commute) and include weekends and stat holidays. This May unfortunately I had to work on Mother's Day, my birthday and my sister's birthday. I still had a little time with the family before work (on nightshift) but it was difficult.


I don't know why I feel this need to "catch up" in the blogs but I do and it's tough because I never have much time and now it feels like I'm so far behind. I would like to do one post a month. That was the plan but somehow two months slipped between my fingers. Now I can't even remember what happened in April! Seems like a year ago...I'll have to look back at the photos. They're like a diary in images. Photos are my way of holding on and recalling things

because I have a hard time even remembering what happened yesterday (I make notes in my calendar as well to keep track of things. My short term memory is SHOT. If you've seen Finding Nemo think of the Dory character. I'm not quite that far gone but well on my way.) I looked back at my April uploads and found these shots I almost forgot about. It was a fairy costume I got before Michelle was born and almost didn't fit her so I figured I better do a photo shoot before she outgrows it. She's already wearing size 3 clothes (and has the vocabulary of a 3-4 year old.) I constantly have people tell me how bright she is and I'm very proud of her but at the same time, she is the most difficult child you can possibly imagine. And she's moodier than ever. She went through a stage (and I hope it's over now!) where she would haul off and hit me <WHACK> out of the blue, for no reason (well because she was tired/cranky or there's a bit of her father-monster in her). So I'd say "That's not nice! You don't hit Mama. You don't hit ANYONE. EVER." Then she'd throw herself on the floor and scream and cry. "Why are YOU crying? I should be crying!" I'd say. Then later she'll be sweet as pie, hugging me and saying "I love you Mommy." Yeah I think there is a bit of her father in her. Runs hot and cold. I adore her but she drives me bat-sh%$ crazy sometimes!

I love dressing her up. She's like a living doll. If I'm being honest that was one of the reasons I really wanted a girl. Michelle was a bunny for Easter, of course. Though I had a hard time keeping the ears on her. Princess will gladly wear a tiara but she wasn't too keen on the ears. The bunny outfit suited her with her two teeth at the front. She's actually getting a lot more teeth now. When she laughs I really see them coming in. She has more front teeth and molars at the back. I don't know whether teething has anything to do with how difficult she's been. The screaming fits, the lack of sleep. It's hard to say. Could just be that she's a redhead and a spoiled Princess redhead at that. And yes, coddling attachment parent that I am, I know I am at least partly to blame.

Michelle's tantrums have reached EPIC proportions. "Terrible twos" (and she's not even two yet, God help me) doesn't begin to describe the fury that this kid can unleash. When she is angry because she didn't get her way INSTANTLY, is overtired (which is her own fault because she won't sleep), falls and gets hurt or anything else goes wrong in the little Princess' perfect world, there is HELL to pay. She will scream like she's being murdered. Throws herself down, red in the face, shrieking like something unholy and over NOTHING AT ALL. It's infuriating. It's terrifying. There are days I just bawl my eyes out because I don't know how to deal with her. It feels like I do so much for her, sacrifice so much for her, bend over backwards to make her happy and it's never enough. My sister, very sympathetically got me a book "Reasons My Kid is Crying" by Greg Pembroke and it features photos of kids having tantrums for the most random reasons. It made me laugh, even through tears. At least I know I'm not alone. It can be extremely frustrating though. It's part of the reason I have no social life. I'm limited in what I can do. I avoid situations out of fear she'll make a scene. I'm afraid to make plans, afraid of what she'll do.
The one party/BBQ I attempted to attend was a fiasco. She seemed OK at first, playing with other kids, but then mid-afternoon she had a full-blown tantrum over nothing and I left so we wouldn't ruin it for everyone else. She was screaming "Nap! Nap!" (this is what my kid does -- instead of going to sleep like a normal human would when she's tired, she screams "Nap!" and doesn't sleep.) Then we get home and sure enough she doesn't even go to sleep. She starts running around and wanting to play. "I left the party because of you and now you don't even want a nap anyway?!" Family events are different. I figure my family loves us no matter what but around anyone else I feel embarrassed when Michelle goes ballistic. It feels like people will be looking at me and shaking their heads in judgment "Gheesh. Can't you control your kid?" Because before I had kids sometimes I thought that way. And the truth is, no I can't control a force of nature! She's like a volcano or a tornado sometimes. I mostly just try to keep the peace and avoid situations that will set her off. Yes I'm OWNED by a 22 month old. I sacrifice my own life and sleep and happiness and just about everything for her sake.

My nephew James' First Communion was one of the most stressful days I can remember. I was afraid it wasn't going to go well. My fears were well-founded. Being in church involves two things that Michelle is utterly incapable of: being quiet and being still. The service hadn't even started yet and she was wriggling to get out of my arms, trying to run out of the pew. She wanted to run around the church. She could see no reason to stay in one spot when there was a whole new place to explore. When we go into a store she runs amok (she even mocks me saying "Mama! I'm running amok!") It drives me crazy. I've seen People of Walmart photos where the Mom has her kid on a leash and trust me, it's tempting! (My Mom used harnesses on us. I don't actually think I could do it.) Michelle won't stay in the stroller. She wants to walk around. She'll hold my hand and walk nicely for a bit but then she'll take off like a shot all of a sudden and I can barely catch her (I've got to remember to wear running shoes instead of sandals.) My warnings about possible abductions (though I pity the fool who would try to grab her) go unheeded. She laughs and sprints off as fast and as far as she can get from me. So I have to race like a lunatic to chase and catch her. And I feel the disapproving looks. Strangers shaking their heads and thinking "Tsk. Can't you control your kid?!" So naturally Michelle wanted to run around the church. If she'd had her way she'd have run screaming up to the altar with her arms flung open. She kept straining to look around. She saw that there was a balcony and yelled out "Mama! I want to go up!" so I took her upstairs hoping that would keep her quiet. Then she was yelling "Mama! I want to go down!" so I complied. I would whisper in her ear "Please Michelle. Be a good girl for Mama. Be quiet." She'd yell back "NO! No way!" and people in the pew behind laughed. I could see my brother and his girlfriend giggling. Yeah, laugh it up. It's hilarious when it's not your kid.

I spent the entire service stressed, sweating, wrestling with a wriggling, struggling, kicking monster, trying to keep her from shouting out, screaming, crying or otherwise causing a scene. Everyone around me smiling in amusement. No one the slightest bit concerned that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It would be funny if it weren't happening to me. I finally took her outside when I couldn't take it anymore and watched the rest of the mass from the vestibule trying to keep Michelle from catapulting out the open door and down the cement steps. Then another little girl came and Michelle was trying to take the beads off her shoes.

I was hoping Michelle would have gone over to see Shannon and Reggie at the end of the pew since she is always going on about them and loves when we visit Auntie May but no she spent the whole time torturing me instead. It was excruciating and felt a lot longer than an hour. It didn't help that the priest went blathering on a long-winded homily (usually they try to keep things short and sweet when kids are involved so they don't lose patience but this guy had no clue. Sorry Father Whoever You Are. I love Jesus too but can you wrap this puppy up, I'm trying to get out of here alive!) Ironically, once the service was over, Michelle sat in the seat, good as gold, reading the hymn books. "Why couldn't you do that DURING the mass?!" I sighed. She just laughed at me. "Mama, I read books?"

I told Michelle about Mother's Day and even taught her to say Happy Mother's Day which she said perfectly several times until the day actually came and then she refused to say it. My Mom made me a little card as though it was from Michelle. It was hard only having a little time with the family before I had to go to work. It always breaks my heart to leave Michelle and that day was especially hard leaving the whole family as well. At least she was so distracted and excited having the whole gang there and playing in the backyard that she hardly noticed when I left at first. I always have to sneak out so she doesn't scream and cling to my leg. My Mom said she usually does fuss a little after she realizes I'm gone but then calms down eventually. I have enough guilt over leaving her without hearing her scream when I go. I have to earn a living. Everyone tells me she's probably better off having some time away from me anyway. I spend more time with her than probably anyone spends with their children. Most people work Monday-Friday and even if they don't work they have commitments, hobbies, social outings, time for themselves away from the kids. Most people get a sitter so that they can do things. The only time I have my Mom watch Michelle is when I go to work. That's the closest I come to a break/vacation and I even feel bad about that! I don't know why I beat myself up over it. I grew up in a household where Mom was at home and maybe that's in the back of my mind but being a Single Mom it's just not an option. I have to work.

Mother's Day is the day that Moms are usually supposed to get a break, a thank you, some gesture of appreciation for all she does. It's tough when you're a single Mom, especially with a young child. Of course Michelle couldn't make me breakfast in bed or bring flowers or a gift. I did wind up getting a bit of a break ironically by going to work.

I felt bad that my Mom had to watch Michelle on Mother's Day. My Mom loves Michelle so much. She says it's like having me back again as a little girl (mind you, that can be a bad thing too! I wasn't always a picnic either!) Before I went to work we had three heart-shaped pizzas, for the three Moms -- Mom, May and I. It was a cute idea. Nothing says "I love you Mom" like a heart-shaped pizza! At least Michelle did say "I love you Mommy" which she says often and which is the sweetest sound in the world and could make me forgive her anything.


Michelle knows how to say and even sing "Happy Birthday" but of course she wouldn't do it on my birthday. She can do so many things but she has to feel like it. It's basically impossible to MAKE her do anything she doesn't want to do. She'll shake her head "No!" She'll even scrunch up her nose and frown and go "No WAY!" "She's so contrary!" my Mom said. Contradicts you just to be difficult. Says "No!" even when it's something she wants.

It was tough having to work but I knew we'd be celebrating with the family on the weekend anyway. My sister and I had a combined birthday party this year. It just made more sense in a month of birthdays (and when I had to work so much). Also, we're at the age now where we don't really WANT to remember or have our ages singled out! I actually can't believe how old we are. I think I'm just going to be 39 from now on! Age is just a number anyway. I recently heard about Ernestine Shepherd who won the Guinness World Record for oldest female body builder at 77 years old. Look for her on Youtube. She looks amazing! Girl is RIPPED! No excuses. Never say you "can't."

Since 99% of my energy goes to taking care of Michelle, I haven't really been taking care of myself. I decided to become healthier and to get back in shape. I started working out in April. It's very hard to find the time and energy but I'm committed. I finished Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I had done it years ago and lost 17 lbs then but now I was having a much harder time. I only lost 5 lbs this time around (different being older and having had a baby) but must have gained muscle because I could see and feel the difference and felt a lot stronger. I've been counting calories as well (calculated my BMI to see how many calories I burn then creating a calorie deficit for weight loss.) It's been a challenge and frustrating to say the least. I'm at the age where your metabolism slows and you lose muscle mass so if you don't really work at it you're certain to gain weight. I'm determined to get my pre-baby belly back, or at least a reasonable approximation so after the 30 Day Shred I started Jillian's "Six Week Six Pack" and have lost another 5 pounds and have more muscle definition. It's an uphill battle but I'm not giving up. As much as I hate working out, I do like the feeling that it gives me afterward. I feel stronger and healthier and it feels good to be doing something for myself for a change. I was hoping to have a six pack in time for bikini season but I don't have much longer to go now. While I do see a difference, I'm still not quite where I want to be. I'm not giving up. I already have my next workout, Jillian's "Yoga Inferno," picked out. I am a work in progress.

I am so happy to have my big crazy family. They are what keeps me going. Michelle loves them too. She loves Grandma and Grandpa whom she sees the most obviously since my Mom is my child care. We visit Auntie May quite often too and Michelle is ALWAYS asking to see Auntie May, Shannon and Reggie. Now she's getting quite attached to her godfather Uncle Chris too. Everyone noticed how Michelle isn't so shy around them anymore. She comes out of her shell much more quickly and talks and laughs with them.

After the combined celebration for May and I we got together for Shannon and Reggie's birthdays (which will always be combined because they were born on the same day, which still blows my mind! What are the odds? 1/365 at least!)

It's nice having Shane's family there too so our big crazy family is even bigger and with more kids running around. Michelle had a blast. It was a beautiful day so we were able to enjoy some of it outside. Michelle came out of her shell with Shane's family. She even went outside with Shane's sister Jenn and was holding her hand and leading her around. It's a relief to me that she is comfortable with other people and doesn't have to cling to me every second. It used to be she would cower in my arms most of the time. Now she seems to feel safe much sooner at family events. I guess because there have been so many she's gotten used to them.

Everyone was amazed at the things Michelle could say and do. She can basically say anything and everything. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs. She speaks in full sentences. Some of the funny things she's come off with lately are: "If you're good you make Mama happy and proud. If you're bad you make Mama sad and mad." (Which is pretty accurate and a brilliant deduction. Now if only she'd bear this in mind before having a tantrum!) Whenever she asks to have something of mine (like makeup or chewing gum or drinking Coke -- Coke Zero now that I'm dieting!) I tell her not until she's older so now she's started saying "If you get older and older, have to use makeup (chew gum, drink Coke)." I explained to her that you don't "have to" but it becomes an option. She plays with dolls, especially Cinderella and Prince Charming and she loves her Ken dolls (missing that male figure in her life I guess) and has them walk around and talk, making voices for them. It's adorable watching her play. She's so imaginative the other day at my Mom's she picked up a lawn ornament squirrel and told us he was sick and had to go to the hospital (pronounced hops-pedal.) "Did you teach her that?" my Mom asked. "No," I said, "she must have picked it up from TV or a movie or something." She is like a sponge. She takes in everything. So I'm very careful NOT to use expletives around her. Now she'll say things like "Oh dear!" and "Good Heavens!" from hearing me say it and it's hilarious. She will basically parrot everything you say to her. My Mom thought she was just saying words without understanding them but then one night in the bath we somehow got on the topic of opposites and she knew them all! "What's the opposite of UP?" "DOWN!" she says proudly. She knew black/white, girl/boy, cold/hot, near/far, hello/goodbye, awake/asleep, happy/sad. She knew all of them. Even ones I never expected her to recognize. Even ones I tried to trick her with. She does have a couple of books on opposites but I was using ones that weren't even in the book. She isn't just saying words. She understands them. One day when I said to her "You don't understand." she said "I understand, Mama. I understand." And I think she does. People say that kids shouldn't watch TV but I don't think it's hurt her at all. If anything it's taught her a lot. I only ever have it on Treehouse (aside from when I watch The Bachelorette!) She responds back to shows like Dora and the Bubble Guppies when they'll ask a question. It's educational. And I know she learned a lot of her vocabulary from watching Disney movies and "Shrek." Princess now even goes around singing "Someday my Prince will come" from Snow White and the lantern song in "Tangled" (Rapunzel.) One day she was singing something about coming back and shadows. "What are you singing baby?" Then I realized it was part of "Danny Boy" -- from my Mom singing it to her in the car on the way to the store. "But come ye back when Summer's in the meadow" -- she didn't have all the words exactly but it was pretty close. "How old is she?!" someone asked me in a store the other day after they heard her talking. "Just turned 22 months." "She's a GENIUS!" they said. Perhaps. Unfortunately there's a fine line between genius and insanity. And she crosses that line, let me tell you.

I was reading to Michelle before she was even born. My Mom said she read to me in utero and I really thought there was something to it. I know that's one of the most important things I did for her. Michelle loves books. I got her a big book of fairy tales and now she loves pretending to read The Three Little Pigs, The Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood and has me read them to her OVER and OVER again. I'll watch her sitting with the book, turning the pages carefully, reciting the story in so much detail she could be reading it. I think that's why she has me read them so much. She's trying to memorize them. I wish I could catch her on camera but as soon as she sees the camera she stops. When I teach her a new word (which is rare now because she knows just about everything) Michelle is excited, as though I've given her a gift. Once in a while there's a random word (like hospital) that I realize has just never come up in conversation. She was saying "panino" for piano until I corrected her and then she said it right. One word she chooses to say her own way and my Mom and I have not been able to cure her of: she says "MIND!" instead of "MINE!" and you can't convince her otherwise. Everything is hers by the way. The house we live in, the car I drive, my makeup, everything is Michelle's. "Mind!" she'll exclaim and grab at whatever it is. "You mean MINE without the D but you're mistaken anyway. It's not yours." She screws up her nose and says "MIND!" all the more defiantly. "Whatever."

One big change since my last post is that Michelle LOVES going to the playground now and loves the swings and the slide. We go every day that it's nice out. When Spring started she was timid at the park -- wouldn't go on the swings at all, wanted my help to go up the slides. When another child came near her she'd run and hide behind my leg and even say "I'm shy." Now she loves the swings and the slides and goes up and down herself. She's more outgoing with other kids as well. There are a couple of friendly girls at the park that she plays with and she even says "hi" to kids she doesn't know now. She went up to a group of boys under the slide one day and said "Hi!" (I will have to warn her not to be too friendly with boys as she gets older!)














































































I am still in awe that we're into June already. April and May just flew by. Time goes so quickly. Between occasions and working and working out and trying to keep up with a speedy twenty-two month old, life has been sheer mayhem! Somehow writing this brings peace to the chaos. It is my way of putting our lives in order. These are the Coles Notes of our life stories. I'm going to try to do a post a month so I'll leave June for the next one. Hopefully I get it done before August!

When I look at Michelle now, she's looking more and more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her personality (very headstrong, dramatic, larger than life) shines through. She can be a monster. And it's not easy to deal with, especially on my own. Sometimes I feel stressed and overwhelmed. It is a strain on me never getting a break. No vacation. No time to myself. So many women have said they need that time for their own sanity (a break in the afternoon to meet a friend for lunch or get their nails done etc.) My workouts have become my "me time" though I'm often having to do them with her underfoot, worrying am I going to accidentally clock her in the head. (I tried to wait til she was in bed at night except that she often doesn't settle down til the wee hours of the morning and then I'm too exhausted.)

Life with Michelle may be more challenging than anything I've ever experienced but it is also more joyful. I am incredibly grateful to have this little girl in my life. At her worst, she is very trying and sometimes almost pushes me over the edge but at her best she is an angel, the most extraordinary person I've ever known and I feel so blessed to have her.

When she says "I love you Mommy" and hugs me tight, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. And it's worth all that I've given up and all that I do. It's worth months and years of mayhem and struggle and sacrifice. It's worth anything. She is my life now. I'm owned by a 22 month old. And that's OK.

Mia famiglia

Had the whole gang over to my place for Mother's Day on Sunday. I always love having them over. It's a bit sad when they have to leave. I've gotten used to having the place to myself but it's nice to have company. There are a lot of them and they are quite boisterous so it almost seems too quiet after they're gone.

Showed them my newly painted nursery and the mermaid painting I've done so far. My sister said her hubby can come with the crib and change table any time which is good to hear. I'm excited to get the nursery set up. Even though there are still months to go and I wouldn't even be using the crib right away. (Baby will be in the bassinett right in my room next to me for the first couple of months or so.)

Thankfully it was a beautiful day on Sunday and we wound up spending most of it in my backyard. I even got a bit of a sunburn. Mom had gotten me a garden swing as an early birthday/Mom-to-be present. She, my dad, my brother and nephew all helped put it together for me. I was very grateful because if I had to try to figure it out on my own it would have taken me days! Actually you need at least two people to hold the parts so I probably couldn't have done it on my own. It would have been quite a sight watching a 7 month pregnant woman struggle with poles and canvas and a screwdriver by herself! I did manage to construct the bassinett by myself but it was a little smaller to deal with (and it was a struggle. I've never liked reading instructions! The only thing I ever really liked putting together were bookcases. Very straightforward. Hard to mess them up!)

I am so happy to have the love and support of my family so I'm not going through my journey alone. Being a single Mom wasn't something I planned on or ever thought possible. For the most part I feel strong and capable. Most days I feel good, confident and I think "I've got this! It's going to be OK!" I do however have moments of weakness, self-doubt and sometimes just sheer exhaustion. Sometimes it's tough when you don't have a partner to help out with anything. I work long hours at my job which takes a toll. Twelve hour shifts are rough at the best of times. When you're 7 months pregnant, on no sleep, with heartburn, indigestion, sore ribs, swollen legs & feet, it's really rough. Even on my days off I don't really get to relax because there's so much that needs to be done. Cleaning. Shopping. Taking care of the house inside and out. I was mowing the front lawn one day and I was tired. My back was aching, I was having trouble breathing, the extension cord kept getting caught. It was so frustrating I almost started to cry. I just felt overwhelmed. Every other house on the street, the husband cuts the lawn. For a moment I wished there was someone here to help me out. "You put your feet up honey. I'll do the lawn. I'll vacuum. I'll clean the bathroom. I'll get the groceries. I'll make dinner." Of course, as I mentioned in a previous post, not all boyfriends/hubbies are that helpful anyway. (Even when Mike was here he said he wouldn't mow the lawn because he "didn't know how." He'd never had a lawn before. Yeah. And he couldn't have gone for groceries because he didn't even have a driver's license. At 32. I know, right? He tried to help a little with dishes but I still did the cooking and everything else. With Mike and his pets here it just meant more work for me.) Some men are helpful though. One boyfriend that I dated years ago was a godsend. I didn't have to lift a finger around the house. Anything that needed fixing or doing, he was on it. He put up all my ceiling fans, installed all my blinds, kept the lawn pristine, made me a delicious dinner each night, washed the floors. I'll always be in his debt because he's also the one who taught me my first guitar chords and inspired my first songs. And he gave the best massages EVER. Of course he was unemployed. You can't have everything. (Does a man exist who is actually sweet, sensitive, strong, sincere, smart, sexy, successful, with a sense of humour? Not that I've found anyway. Usually you have to settle for 4 or 5 out of 8. Some qualities appear to cancel each other out. I can't settle anymore so I guess I'll be single for a while!) Of course having any help at all is nice rather than having to do everything on your own. I should mention that my Mom told me my dad would mow the lawn for me when they came over but I wasn't going to make him do it. He already mows the lawn at their place which is 10 times the size of mine. With the garden at the front, there's really only a small area I have to do anyway. It's just that when you're carrying so much weight up front (new boobs and belly bigger by the minute), everything is more difficult. And sometimes I have a little pity party. Luckily it doesn't last long and I snap out of it and realize how lucky I am.

Being single is actually easier in many ways. I'd rather be on my own than with someone who adds more stress to my life, which my ex did, to a great extent. I was driving home from the grocery store the other day, singing along with the radio, feeling baby boogie in my tummy when I suddenly saw a couple having an argument in the car ahead of me. The male who was driving was wildly gesturing his hands, flailing about. The female next to him was yelling back. I could see their angry faces, their mouths gaping like fish. I wondered what could make anyone that angry on such a beautiful sunny day? Those are things that I don't miss. Car rides from hell. Arguing about directions. Arguing about the destination, the day's events, anything. Blaming, name-calling. It is hard for a man and woman to spend an extended period of time together without arguing about something. You just start to get on each other's nerves. There will always be differences of opinion, different goals. If you happen to be two people that need control and always need to be right, it's really a struggle. Money is a big argument for almost any couple. Sometimes you argue over the silliest things. You're just stressed and tired and irritable and wind up taking it out on each other. And some people just push your buttons. Mike and I could be pretty volatile. He had a short fuse and if I happened to say the wrong thing to set him off, it wasn't pretty. I was hormonal and moody in my first trimester so I was quite the powder keg myself. At least not having a man there, there isn't someone to argue with. No one to disappoint you. No one to disagree with. No one to battle for control. But I miss the good things. The companionship, laughter, love, support. I still get that from friends and family, though it is different of course. I do hope to find romantic love with someone again one day perhaps. But my child will be my world, especially in the beginning, and I definitely need a long break from dating. For decades I jumped from one relationship to another without a break. This long hiatus from (bad) romances is long overdue!

I admire strong single Moms who manage on their own. My sister was a single Mom for a while after her divorce. She just did what she had to do. She is a strong, loving mother and has three fabulous kids. The reality is that even now, when her husband is working out of town etc, she is alone to care for the kids and the house. Even married women often end up doing most of the work when it comes to the children and the home. One woman I knew had a husband who was away travelling on business all the time. Everyone said she was practically a single Mom because Dad was just never there. But at least her hubby earned a good living so she had help financially. It's tough when it's all you. I know single Moms who have to fight with their exes for child support payments, battle over custody papers etc. I have people trying to convince me to seek out a lawyer about my ex saying that he should be giving me something. I'd rather not go through that. Mike wouldn't have had much to give anyway. I'd rather just not have him in the picture at all. Of course if he did win the lottery or something it would be nice if he'd send me a cheque with no strings attached, just to assuage his guilt for abandoning the baby and me in the cruel, cowardly way that he did. Heck, even if he just sent me the money that he owed me it would be a help. But I'm not holding my breath on that one. It would be nice to win the lottery myself. $50 million would sure come in handy! They say money can't buy happiness, but I'm pretty happy already and not having to worry about money would make everything a lot easier!

It still freaks me out that I'm actually going to be a Mom. An Aunt to three nieces and three nephews, I never dreamed that one day someone would actually be calling ME Mom! My Mom pointed out that this will be her lucky 7th grandchild and will be the tie-breaker. We are still operating under the assumption that it's a girl, so now Mom will have more grand-daughters than grand-sons. But it's not 100% official until I have the 32 week ultrasound. (Coming up soon! And it better be definitive this time!) As you know if you've read my previous blogs, I really am counting on a girl. I'm a girlie girl myself. I already have her name picked out, have a bunch of pink outfits, the whole bit. I imagine us making sandcastles on the beach (my backyard beach and others) as Shannon was doing here on Sunday. I'm so close to my Mom, sister and niece. I really hope that my child will stay that close with me as she grows up. Not just a daughter, but a companion, confidante and friend. A close bond for a lifetime.




The whole gang on my little beach

I'm so grateful for my beautiful family. They mean the world to me. Especially now. I know that I can count on them. They make me laugh. They're a little crazy. I've shared so many memories with them over the years. There's comfort in being with people who have known you forever. You can completely be yourself. They know you inside out and accept you. You may not always get along, but you always love each other. From talking with other people I realized that not all families get together so often. Some don't even get together for special occasions. They go their separate ways, can't be bothered or have a falling out and stop speaking, move too far away, etc. It was always just a given in our family that you spend birthdays and holidays together and have visits for no occasion. Mikey (that's my brother not my ex!) is a bit further away so he can't always make it (he wasn't here on the weekend but is coming next weekend.) A lot of it is at my Mom's insistence. She can be very persuasive. It's just not worth the guilt of not giving her her way! It's good though. It kept us coming together even when it was difficult. There is no bond like that between family members and it's a shame that some people let that go. 

 

My brother Chris and I certainly had our moments of conflict over the years. In some ways we were too opposite, in others too similar. Living with our parents as adults definitely put a strain on the relationship. Even silly things like fighting over the bathroom. We were both stubborn and locked horns on numerous occasions. But the love was always there, even underneath the arguments. Since living apart it's much easier to get along. Sometimes you just need space. We're the two middle kids and we were the two siblings who never married and didn't plan to have kids. Chris joked that the pressure was off of us because our eldest and youngest siblings, May and Mikey, kept having children so we didn't have to. I guess I unintentionally broke our unspoken pact. No one EVER expected me to have kids (least of all me!) and here I am due in July, so never say never! Chris is actually wonderful with kids. If anyone should have them, it's him. But he and his girlfriend don't intend to. They've gone on a few trips recently, including a trip to Cuba. Chris is even learning to speak Spanish. They seem to be enjoying their freedom. Still, I see how his eyes light up when he plays with his nieces and nephews. He's a natural. A big-hearted kid himself, with so much energy. He would be a great father. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll be a parent too. For now he can be a loving Uncle to six (and soon to be seven!) kids.

My Mom was quite happy with her special day and the day before (I decided to take her out for a day of shopping, her favourite pasttime, on Saturday as a pre-Mother's Day celebration.) She was thrilled with that. After reading my Mother's Day blog she said that that was her greatest gift. (I printed it out for her. She's not on the internet. She doesn't even have a computer! Seriously. She's even more old-fashioned than I am!) She's loved all my blog posts but was especially moved by my mother's day one and was so proud of me. Most of my life I was trying to win her approval, to make her proud and often felt like nothing I did was good enough. My perception of a lot of things has changed these days. I'm realizing how much she did love me all along. She just pushed me when she thought I could do better. She wanted me to succeed and she was behind me every step of the way. She was proud of my academic success (awards and medals, graduating university at the top of my class) and my talents (singing, writing, art etc). I often focused on the criticisms and the negatives (she has always been a worrier and she can be negative) instead of the praise and the positives. I was my own harshest critic for most of my life and it affected my perceptions of others as well. Anything that reinforced my negative self-image was what I responded to. I could get 10 compliments and 1 criticism and guess what I dwelled on? Over the years I've mellowed out, become much more positive and learned to like myself. For a long while I felt as though I wasn't loved (by family, partners etc) but the truth was I didn't love myself. Why couldn't I have figured all of this out a few decades ago?!  

You go through phases. At the time you think that your perception is the reality and it's hard for anyone to convince you otherwise. Starting in our teens, we naturally start to rebel a little. We don't feel like our parents understand us. We can be hostile. We see them as the enemy. I suppose I'll go through some of those growing pains with my own daughter. (That's the really rough part I think! More so than the tantrums of the terrible twos or the sleepless nights and diaper changes of a newborn.) Maybe I'll get lucky though. My oldest nephew was a dream child. He never gave May a hard time. So you never know. Raise a child with love and open communication and hope for the best.

My sister loved my blog as well. She thinks I'll be a great Mom. I hope so. It's such a huge responsibility. And it's a different world now. Kids today are scary! When I was a kid we didn't even have the internet. Now it's everywhere and kids at such a young age have so many high tech gadgets -- cellphones or blackberries, tablets, kobos, ipods and apps and I don't know what all. I don't even own a cellphone! I think I may be the only one in North America over the age of 12 that can say that! I refuse to get one. I think they're evil. They turn people into zombies, mindlessly texting all the time. Once you get one, you can never go back. You're never really free. Sure there are times I'd like to have one in an emergency but I make do. I can always get to a phone. I can use a payphone if I have to, mind you they are harder to find and because they're not used very much, they're not maintained terribly well. The way I look at it, I'm not a Hollywood actress or a real estate agent. I'm not so important that someone has to be able to get a hold of me every minute of the day. Even when I'm in line at Walmart. One single father that I dated had kids with little computer games (Nintendo DS or something) and they would play with it during long car rides. I found it kind of sad. As a kid, I loved road trips. I loved looking out the window at the countryside, watching other cars, fields, scenes whizzing past me. Window rolled down. Wind in my hair. Daydreaming. That was part of the adventure for me. Now kids are so focused on their gadgets that they miss the world around them. They lose the simple pleasures. When I was a kid I loved playing double dutch. I don't know if kids even do that anymore. I never see skipping ropes. Now half the time kids are playing on their computers rather than being outside enjoying nature, the fresh air, chasing frogs, doing somersaults on the grass, being kids. Now they're like little adults in training. Well maybe I'll raise an old-fashioned girl like me. Though I suppose at a certain age they start to realize that "all the other kids have one!" and then what do you do? Hopefully I have the determination to be firm but fair. People are hooked on their gadgets. Whether it's kids with games or adults with cells or blackberries. I'll see people out for lunch together and they're not even talking! They're each texting on their cellphones! Why are the people who aren't even there more important than the one you're actually with?! (Mind you they were probably texting friends who were meeting up with them. But I just find it strange. I see it all the time.) Technology is supposed to make life easier. But in some ways it seems to make it more complicated. You start to lose your freedom, your imagination, your peace. Don't get me wrong. I use my computer. I go on the internet. But I can walk away from it. And when I'm out, no one can get me. They can leave me a message. I need my space, my zen. Sometimes you need to just do nothing. "La dolce di far niente" as the saying goes (they mention it in "Eat, Pray, Love.") North Americans are obsessed with work and often don't know how to relax. Europeans understand that there's more to life than work. There's love. Family. Food. Art. Music. The simple pleasures. I need that myself. Maybe it's the Italian in me.

I always loved visiting my Italian relatives (on my Dad's side.) They were so animated and gracious. And the food was to die for! They kept bringing one delicious dish after another -- pasta, pizza, pastries. "Mangia, mangia, Anna Maria!" I visited my Aunt in Italy many years ago with my boyfriend at the time, as part of our European backpacking adventure. It was beautiful. I felt like a celebrity as she introduced me to the locals in the little town on a mountain where my father was born. Everyone made such a fuss of me. Some were even calling me "Madonna" not because I resembled the Queen of Pop but because I looked like paintings they had of the Virgin Mary. I even played Mary once in a school play. As a Catholic, I was deeply honoured to play the Mother of God. I never could have imagined at the time that one day I would be a mother. Certainly not by immaculate conception! If anything my ex had more in common with Lucifer! But he used to call me angel and I'm hoping our child will take after me...

My sister pointed out that next year on Mother's Day I'll have my baby, close to a year old by that point. I'll be the third Mom in the family. Even Christmas this year will be so different. I'll have a baby 5 months old! Baby's first Christmas! The seventh member of the youngest generation of our family. It's all very surreal to me.

Sometimes my mind races ahead to the future. So many things to look forward to. Other things to fear/worry about. So many unknowns. Mostly I try to take things one day at a time.

Just a little over two months to go before baby makes her grand entrance! I can't believe it. My Mom and sister keep telling me how much bigger I'm still going to get. It's scary. My belly already feels like it's going to explode. I don't know how it could stretch any further. The other day I saw a girl who looked about my size, belly-wise except that her bellybutton had popped out. I could see it poking through her shirt. I asked how far along she was (it's a question that's not always prudent to ask. You just never know. Sometimes the woman isn't even pregnant!) I felt safe asking because she was a petite little thing and only had weight in her belly. "Six more weeks!" she announced proudly. Having almost double that still to go, I was starting to feel my belly had gone too far too soon. Everyone is different though. I know Jessica Simpson took a lot of flack for how much weight she gained. I still think she looked beautiful. I think that being pregnant gives you a better excuse to eat than ever so you might as well enjoy it! As long as you're having enough healthy nutrients for the baby, why not indulge now and then for yourself? I'm just hoping that I will be able to lose the weight again afterward. I look at my bikini pics from last year for inspiration. I think that between working out hardcore and getting back into my yoga I'll be able to get close to the shape I was in. I also hear that breast-feeding helps you to burn off a lot so hopefully that goes well.


All of us at Mom and Dad's Anniversary



Family has always been important to me and now more than ever I rely on them to keep me grounded. I am grateful for their love, support and friendship. I always used to say that I wanted to live on a remote tropical island but the truth is, if I moved far away from them, I would miss them too much. (Unless of course I did win that $50 million in the lottery and could afford a private jet to fly back and forth for visits every month!)

They say that home is where the heart is. My family will always be home to me. They are my people. My history. I feel closer to them than ever now that I'm starting my own little family of two. I want my baby to be close to her grandparents, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews. To see how blessed we are to have such a beautiful, loving family. Ti amo, la mia famiglia!



Happy Mother's Day!



My Mom as a baby! What a cutie!

Happy Mother's Day Mom! And to all mothers out there.

Yes it's Mother's Day this Sunday. I'm having the family over to my house to celebrate. My perspective on the day is quite different this year, now that I'm a Mom-to-be. It's still so surreal to me that I'm going to be a mother! I never thought in a million years that I would be.

My niece pointed out "Now you can get Mother's Day cards and gifts!" she then thought about it and added, "but not yet..." Yes it will be a couple of years before my little one will be able to make me a card. I can't wait. I can imagine a little picture drawn with crayons "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!" with awkward little drawings of flowers and faces, words spelled wrong and letters backwards. It makes me tear up just thinking about it (yes, I'm a sap. I blame the hormones. I've always been sentimental but now I'm sentimental to the power of ten!)


My Nana, Mom and Dad


I love this photo of my grandmother (my Mom's Mom), Mom and Dad. They're so glamorous! They look like movie stars. My Mom has always been beautiful and looks very young for her age. She's actually insulted if people don't guess her to be 10-20 years younger than she is (they usually do.) I guess it runs in the family because people think my sister and I look young for our ages too. My Mom has her quirks. She's a shopoholic. She takes forever to get ready to go anywhere. She can't leave the house without her lipstick and earrings. She has about 5,000 purses in every shade under the rainbow, with outfits to match (right down to her shoes and socks, every item of clothing has to match whether it's blue, pink, purple or green for the day!) I used to shake my head and laugh at her for a lot of her idiosyncracies. The scary thing is that now I find myself doing a lot of the things she used to do. I'll catch myself and think "Oh crap. I'm becoming my mother!" I am grateful for some things. She taught me to be organized and to be a good saver. She made me a bargain hunter. She encouraged me to draw and to write, to dance and to sing. She was my first teacher and mentor. I have to admit that I didn't always appreciate my mother enough. We didn't always see eye to eye. (Actually she's 4'11" and I'm 5'7" so we've probably NEVER seen eye to eye!) A lot of the time she drove me crazy. But I love her more than anything and I am grateful to her. These days I'm more grateful than ever. She always used to say "You won't understand until you have children of your own!" I didn't figure I'd ever understand because I didn't plan to have any. I finally get it. I haven't even had my baby yet and already I feel my heart swell up with a love beyond comparison with anything I've ever experienced. And I know that it's worth anything. Sleepless nights, physical discomforts, turning into a beach ball for nine months. I know what it means to be a mother now. To love someone else more than you love yourself. To love them so much that you would do anything for them. I know how strong you have to be to embark on a lifelong journey, caring for a child. No matter how old they are, they are always your child. My baby is due July 23rd. I haven't even met her yet and I'm already feeling this way! It's overwhelming.


Mommy and me!


I feel more affection for my Mom than ever now that I have some idea what she went through. I'm also grateful for how well she took care of me, nurtured me, even before I was born. She said that while pregnant with me, she had a craving for reading. It was strange for her because she always hated reading, but for my sake she did it. She read the ENTIRE BIBLE OUT LOUD while she was carrying me for nine months! She thinks that the words got through to me and that's why I could talk at such an early age, why I excelled in school, always loved writing. I definitely think there's something to it. She was feeding my mind. And she was always there for me growing up. She wasn't perfect. She could be negative and controlling. She's a Scorpio (that's what my baby's father was. Ironically his birthday was two days before hers. Scorpions sting. It's their nature. They don't even mean to. They can be so beautiful and have a deep capacity for love, but they have a dark side. Intensity, possessiveness, viciousness -- they can wound you deeply if you're not careful.) She wasn't easily impressed. I would draw or colour something in and she would say "You could do better." It pushed me to be a straight A student. She can be frustrating. We have had some wicked arguments over the years. Sometimes she infuriates me! But at the end of the day, I love her and couldn't live without her. I talk to her on the phone every day. It was hard to leave her. She tried to keep me in the nest (I didn't move out until I was 36 so she nearly got her wish!) She's always had this power over me. Partly guilt but partly instinct. I need her love. She is the one who inspired me -- to do well in school, to strive to be the best at whatever I attempted. I owe all of my awards to her because it was to try to impress her, to make her proud. I never stopped being her little girl, looking for her approval. She never fully approved of the men I dated. In retrospect, I'm inclined to agree! She was trying to protect me. She wanted the best for her little girl.

Mom and Me, more recently

I always feel a need to tell her everything, good or bad.

She calls every day to make sure that I'm OK. Especially now that I'm pregnant. She has always been a worrier. Neurotic, negative, hypochondriac. She'll call and tell me the latest scare on the news or in the paper. She clips out articles to warn me about this and that. Sometimes she really stresses me out! My Mom doesn't know how to relax. She always seems to think of the worst possible scenario. Yet ironically when something serious happens, she becomes eerily calm and deals with it. It's like she's always prepared for the worst so when it happens, it's not that big of a surprise.  I expected shock and horror when I announced my unexpected pregnancy (after only dating Mike for a month). Instead she and my sister were thrilled. They had always hoped I would have a child one day. Mom said that she was afraid I'd regret it if I never had kids. I didn't even know my biological clock was ticking. It was the furthest thing from my mind, but now I know that it was meant to be and I'm so excited that I'm going to be a Mom. I guess they knew me better than I knew myself. They do know me pretty well. They have been there my whole life.



My sister and my niece


Happy Mother's Day May! My sister is an amazing Mom. She has always been like a second Mom to me. (A more calming, Zen version than our overly neurotic and high strung mother!) May is so warm, so loving, so understanding. She has been there for me to pick me up at some of my lowest moments. She always knows the right words to say to comfort me and put everything in perspective. She's also been there to celebrate my highest highs. She makes me laugh more than anyone and shares my weird sense of humour. We have shared so many inside jokes over the years. More than a sister, she is my best friend in the world. She has been there my whole life. She was admittedly a bit of a tyrant when we were younger. She teased and bullied me (as older siblings tend to do with their younger brothers or sisters) and when she was a teenager I was afraid of her! She was this beautiful, cruel blur that would storm into the house like a tornado and tear up anything in her path. She mellowed over the years. Actually I think it was becoming a Mom that softened her, that made her into the extraordinary person she is. She has raised three bright, beautiful children. She is smart, fun, funny, creative, kind, generous, down-to-earth, honest, reassuring, supportive, understanding, wise. She is my rock. The moments when things looked so dark I couldn't see a way out, she was the voice of reason, the voice of faith, she helped me to believe that it would be OK. She was always able to listen, to really listen and sympathize, without judgment. And she made me laugh even through my tears. You can't help but love her. I am in awe of her.

When I missed my period in November, she was the first one I called. She was the one who told me to get a home pregnancy test and the first one I called with the news afterward. I'll never forget that day (I wrote about it in my first blog post, Expecting Unexpectedly) seeing that YES + pop up in the little window. The moment I realized that my life had changed forever. I was going to be a Mom.


Mom, May and Me



I am so grateful for these two incredible women, my Mom and my sister. I can't imagine life without them. I see them all the time. (Usually once a week.) I talk to them on the phone. When anything happens, they are the ones I need to tell. They are my safe place. I am so lucky to have them in my life. Especially now that I'm about to be a Mom myself I depend on them for their guidance and friendship. I am glad that they will be there for me when I have the baby. I'll be relying on their support and advice every step of the way. There's so much I need to know! They are pros at this. I have no idea what I'm doing! I've read books but nothing compares to real life experience. I can only hope that I can be as wonderful a Mom as they have been. They are very different but they have each raised some extraordinary kids and should be very proud. I love our family. Mom and May are the heart of the family. I love the guys too of course (Dad, brothers and nephews) but as I mentioned in my previous blog post, the bond between women is like no other. These girls are my heart and soul.



People come and go throughout your lifetime. These two have always been there and will always be there. They've accepted me at my worst and helped me to be my best. I admit I'm not always a picnic! I have been a bit of a drama queen through the years. (The angst-ridden goth days of my teens and 20s when my world was painted black.) Bouts of temper. (Hey I'm not only part Irish and part Italian but I'm a fiery redhead and an artist to boot, so what can I say?) But they let me be myself and loved me anyway. I think I have mellowed out over the years. I wouldn't have been ready to have a child before now. I guess God knew that. He waited until I was ready. It seemed like such a strange twist of fate, especially the way it all happened but I believe it was destiny. I'm still terrified. I still don't really feel like a "grown up"! But I have a couple of amazing teachers to get me through. And I will rely on their expertise when I'm stuck. I will probably be calling them at least ten times a day after the baby is born!



The girls and the beach -- my favourite things!



Mom and May, I love you guys more than I can possibly say. No matter what life has thrown at me, it is the two of you that got me through. I am happy that we are so close. It seems that life is always changing and you never know where the next bend in the road may lead, but no matter what, I know that you will always be part of my journey. You will always be my home. The constant, the certainty in my life.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for loving me when I didn't deserve it. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a Mom. I only hope that I can be as brave, devoted and loving as the two of you have been and raise a child as wonderful as the ones that you have raised.

Being a mother has got to be the toughest and the most rewarding role that a woman can ever take on. You are responsible for someone's life. You help that child to grow into an adult, to become the person that they are meant to be. More than feeding, clothing and caring for them, you nurture their souls. You teach them what life is, what love is. You share their joys and sorrows. You give them your whole heart.

Mothers, you are angels. Beautiful. Loving. Powerful. You are as close to God as we can get in this world -- you create life. Your love is what keeps the world going. Without you, none of us would exist.

I'm proud to join your ranks. Being a Mom will be the most daring, most important thing I have ever done. I never thought I'd see the day.

Happy Mother's Day to me too!