Michelle

I may not be in a band anymore but I'm rocking more than ever! Of course now it's rocking the baby. She loves rocking and rolling, having me dance around with her in my arms, sing to her etc. She also likes when I play guitar though I haven't been doing so that much these days. I wrote her a new song and played it for her. She seemed to like it. I've missed songwriting. An avid songwriter, I've penned close to 800 songs. Last year I was writing and posting an original song every day on Youtube. I kept it up for the whole year. It was difficult but I didn't have a baby at the time. It would be impossible to keep that up now! I wanted to do a special song and video for Michelle. I wrote her several songs while I was pregnant but it's more difficult now to find the time to write and record. I finally managed to put together a video for her. The song is called "Michelle" and the video features some of the photos I've taken so far (yes, I'm a photoholic!) Just click on the link above. 

Michelle has taken over my life completely. Most of the things that used to occupy my time are now pretty much non-existent. She is pretty demanding, even more so than the average baby. There isn't much time for anything else. But it's funny how things that used to seem so important don't matter that much anymore. She has given my life more meaning and purpose than I've ever had. Nothing else compares to her. Nothing else could be as important as she is to me. It's amazing how much you can change. You think you know yourself until you find yourself in different circumstances and somehow you discover who you really are. Your priorities and dreams alter.

I used to spend a lot of time gardening. Now the poor garden is overrun with weeds because I haven't been able to tend to it since having the baby. One day after taking Michelle for a walk I thought I'd try to sneak into the backyard with her. She was asleep in the carseat. The sun was behind the clouds and there was a nice shade to sit her in safely. I thought I'll just pull some of the biggest, most obnoxious weeds quickly while she sleeps. I got out my garden gloves and shears. I had barely pulled my first weed when I heard "Waaaaa!" She was up. Sigh. I did finally manage to steal about 15 minutes while she was napping later and ripped out weeds like a fiend. I had never moved so fast in my life. It was a big improvement. I'll just have to chip away at it a bit at a time. It seems like a gargantuan task but if you break it down it's not so bad. Some of the weeds can pass as wildflowers. At least the perennials are still there beneath the weeds. I was pleased to see my favourite flower, the hibiscus (a hardy hibiscus actually, Rose of Sharon) in bloom. When I planted my tropical (very high maintenance) garden I couldn't possibly have imagined that I'd be having a (very high maintenance) baby a couple of years later and not be able to keep it up. You just never know what the future may hold.

I got a two-seater convertible a couple of years ago not knowing I was going to wind up having a baby. I loved that car. I had some amazing experiences in it. Driving to Florida last year was one of the best. Now I haven't driven it in almost a year. It wasn't a practical car for the baby and I started driving a sedan instead. I tried to sell the Miata but couldn't find a buyer (the only offers I had were so low I wouldn't have just been giving the car away, I'd actually be paying someone to buy it since it was financed and I'd have to make up the difference to pay back what was owing on it) so I've had it built into my mortgage. I figure if I find a buyer then great and if I don't, I'll keep the car and one day my girl and me will make a road trip to Cali when she's old enough. At least I don't have those car payments every month which were killing me!

Art is something else I don't really have time for anymore. I did the paintings for the nursery while I was pregnant but haven't done any painting since having the baby. It would be difficult. It can be messy and time-consuming and I'd hate to have paint on my hands and have the baby cry. I did do a little touch up to one of the paintings though. I added some copper hair to the baby in one of the mermaid paintings so it looks more like Michelle! (The baby was bald before.) The painting over the change table seems to be Michelle's favourite, she smiles and coos at it each time I'm changing her.

Last summer I spent most of my time at the beach. This summer I went a couple of times while I was pregnant but going to the beach with the baby would have been impossible. I had enough bikinis to wear a different one every day. Now I don't know if I'll be wearing them ever again. Though I've lost 45 lbs so far I still have my "mommy tummy." It's kind of loose and flabby. Not to mention the stretch marks. Though I am going to start doing yoga and the 30 day shred again, my doctor told me I will likely NEVER get my flat stomach back. She said it'll never be quite the same. She also said that although they'll fade (they won't always be purple) the stretch marks will never disappear. And those stretch mark creams don't really do anything. "But you have a beautiful baby girl and she's worth it!" she added. She's right. Michelle is worth it. I am going to try to get my tummy back though if I can. When I got down to my goal weight last year (125 lbs) I had no idea I'd wind up pregnant and get up to 190 lbs by July of this year. I'm down to 145 now but I have a feeling that last 20 lbs will be the hardest to lose.

I used to love going out dancing in nightclubs. It was how I met most of my boyfriends too. Now I dance around the house with the baby to entertain her and rock her to sleep. Before getting pregnant (and being abandoned by her father) I always had a boyfriend and when I didn't have one, I was dating and searching for one. Now I have no interest in men and no opportunity to meet them anyway. It doesn't feel like anything is missing in my life though. I always used to feel like I needed a man. Now the love that I have for Michelle is so consuming that I know I don't need a man. Still I'm not ruling out the possibility of romance again one day in the future, but he'd have to be an exceptional man (trustworthy, kind, caring, funny, strong, sensitive) and an incredible father to Michelle. He'd have to be worthy of her. I don't know if such a man exists. Ironically her own father was the most unworthy man on the planet. I can't entirely despise him because he unwittingly gave me the greatest gift of my life. And part of me wants to believe he wasn't all bad, that he knew we were better off without him, that it broke his heart to leave but he knew it was for the best.

My life is now devoted to caring for the baby. Though there are many things I've given up, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. I am more fulfilled and happier now than I've ever been. I feel more love than I ever felt possible. The days fly by. I never get bored. It's always an adventure. And there's so much to look forward to. I can't wait until she can play. Right now she doesn't have much interest in toys though I keep trying to introduce them to her. I even found a new way to put her to sleep -- just by boring her! I went through the toy box (the ottoman in the living room which is filled with toys, mostly from my sister) and introduced her to each toy. I would take each one out, tell her what it was, what it could do, describe the colours and textures and features. There are some really cool ones -- Lamaze toys with various patterns and shapes and colours and squeaks and crinkles. When I looked down at her I saw that her eyes were closed and she was sound asleep. I don't know if any of my rambling is getting through but I figure it can't hurt. She is cooing and making cute noises more than ever. Some of them almost sound like words. She even laughed in her sleep which was just about the coolest thing I've ever seen/heard! She holds her head up pretty well when I have tummy time with her and she straightens her legs so much that she can almost stand (with me holding her of course!) on my lap. I will enjoy every step of this journey, watching her grow.

Life before her is like a distant dream. The things I thought were so important fade into the background. She is my life now. She is everything to me. She is my beauty, my sunshine, my flower, my song, my dance, my love, my dream, my hope, my present and future. The best moments of my life are the ones I spend with her. I wouldn't trade this for the world.

Brave?

I was working hard outside today, pulling weeds in the hot sun, when a stranger saw me (in all my sweaty, exhausted, pregnant glory!) and said "You poor thing. Your husband should be doing that!"
"I don't have one," I explained, "he ran out on me."
She looked uncomfortable for a moment and didn't know what to say.

"It's OK. He was no help anyway," I mused and flexed my arm muscles, "Who needs him? I'm better off alone!"

"You're a very brave woman" she replied.

I'm not. I've never thought of myself as brave. I'm scared of a lot of things. Though I did hear that courage isn't the absence of fear, it's feeling the fear and doing it anyway... I guess by that definition I am one brave mo-fo! Except it's not bravery. Just necessity and stubbornness. It's amazing what you can do when you have no choice.

I once moved a mountain (16,000 pounds) of soil from my driveway into my backyard by myself. One wheelbarrow at a time. It took me eight hours. It was a couple of years ago. My boyfriend at the time, who had offered to help me with landscaping, abandoned me mid-project so I had to continue without him. Running out on me when I needed him most. Making promises he didn't intend to keep and leaving me with a truckload of work to do alone. Seems to be a theme! I hated him at the time. The anger gave me energy. Afterward I was grateful to him for leaving because it forced me to realize I can do things on my own. Even things that seem impossible. I learned that I was stronger than I thought. And one stubborn bull! When I first looked at the mountain I thought, "This is crazy! I can't do this!" but you can. You just tackle it the way you do any overwhelming task in life. One wheelbarrow at a time.

In a million years I never imagined I'd be having a child and raising her on my own. This is how things panned out. I know that it was meant to be. I accept it. And I'll do whatever I have to do. Taking care of the house. Taking care of a baby. Anything that needs to be done I have to do myself. There's no one to help. I am grateful for the support of friends and family. They have been wonderful. I am especially thankful for all the gifts and donations which saves me having to purchase all the big things I'm going to need (crib etc). I'm glad that my Mom and sister will be with me for the delivery and to help me the first few days after I have the baby, but after that I'm on my own. 90% of the time, I'll be going it alone.

One of the most brave women I ever met was one that I knew years ago who had a child with leukemia. Between working and trips to the hospital, she had almost no time, got almost no sleep, was going through hell but she always seemed to have a sunny disposition. She managed to stay positive and strong for her daughter. She didn't have a choice. She said "I allow myself half an hour of self-pity a week. That's it." So once a week, she would take half an hour to be by herself, to just bawl her eyes out, to feel frustrated and scared and angry and overwhelmed and then she would come out of it and go back to being sweet, funny, resilient and put on a brave face for her little girl and everyone else she encountered. You do what you have to do. Life presents you with challenges. You meet them. You don't get to curl into a ball. There isn't time. Not when you have a child to take care of. You have to focus on the positive. There is always something beautiful, at the end of the pain. There are always moments of joy that make it all worth it. You do it for love. That's what keeps you going.

My mother told me the other day that I've seemed happier lately than ever before in my life. It's true. I have reached a level of peace that I don't think I've ever had before. I'm happier now, pregnant and alone, than I've ever been. How could I have imagined that what I feared the most (having a baby, being alone) would make me the most happy? Apparently this was who I was meant to be. It just took a very unusual turn of events to get me here.

Today I was tugging at the jungle of weeds in my backyard, feeling somewhat discouraged, back aching, perspiring profusely under the sun, when I started to uncover the little plants and flowers, groundcovers I had planted that had been buried under the weeds. And I kept going. It was worth it to clear a path, to find these hidden treasures. Sweat dripping from my brow, belly weighing me down like lead, legs about to give out, I kept pulling. To let the shy, fragile and beautiful things breathe and to banish the big, ugly weed bullies was worth it. Many of the plants I'd forgotten about or didn't even know were there. I was surprised to find them, quietly growing underneath the big monster weeds. The ugly spiky ones are the worst. Dandelions and other weeds. So many of them. Invaders. They just come in and take over. M (my baby's father) had been a weed in my life. He even had spikes! (His hair. Yes he was a prickly character. Darkened my world. Collected swords. Wore chains. Was a scorpion to boot. With a sharp sting.) Invited himself in. Took over my house, my life, my body. Drained me. Overpowered me. I was lost in his shadow. With him gone I have found myself. I have room to breathe again. I can bloom.

I love the sun but when you're working outdoors, it can be unbearable. Especially with the added weight of being 7 1/2 months pregnant. At one point I asked God "Please, can you just turn down the sun a little, to give me a break?" and on cue the sky clouded over for a few minutes. Just over my house! "Thank you" I whispered, enjoying the shade, feeling a delicious cool breeze against my skin.

The garden is worth the work. The magic of perennials is that you almost forget what you planted the year before until you see them come back in the spring. I found so many treasures. Lupine, ligularia, lavender...

The irises took my breath away. Beauty is our glimpse of Heaven here on Earth and I'm so grateful for it. There is something otherworldly about flowers. They are Zen for me. They remind me to stay in the Now. They embody peace, stillness, perfection. They make me feel close to God.

 "Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace."
May Sarton

When I was done, I was so sore, so exhausted, but utterly satisfied. The garden to me is like a living painting, one that is constantly metamorphosing, evolving. It is a work in progress and you're never really finished. You revisit it. You take away what needs to go (darn weeds!) and rejoice in the magic that remains, splashes of colour and texture.

I treated myself by relaxing on my swing and reading my book afterward. My toes buried in the sand. Enjoying a slight breeze under the shade of the swing awning. Ali, my cat rolled around in the sand, contentedly. The baby danced around in my tummy. I sipped a glass of orange juice filled with ice and thought how very lucky I am.

M (my ex) was a coward. He let fear govern his life. He probably never made a decision that wasn't based on fear. He didn't have a life. He had an existence. Basic survival. He didn't know how to love, only to control. And when he felt out of control, he ran. It's understandable. He never got to have a normal life, never had a family. His early childhood lacked the nurturing that would have allowed him to develop into a whole person. I can't hate him because I feel sorry for him. Perhaps he thought that running away would make him free. He's in a prison of his own making. I don't know how he could not be haunted the rest of his life. How do you abandon a child and the woman carrying your child, without a word and live with yourself? How would it not cross your mind every day? He had a chance at a full life, a home, love, everything he'd missed out on. Perhaps he didn't know what to do with it. It felt too foreign to him. We tend to cling to what's familiar, no matter how bleak it may be. He left the life he might have had with the baby and me and went back to the life he knew. A drifter.

Although in a different way, I let fear run most of my life too. I avoided risks, challenges. I wouldn't even attempt anything that I felt I was incapable of or wasn't worthy of. Being a Mom was entirely beyond the realm of possibility for me. I didn't think I was mature enough, strong enough, reponsible enough. It scared the living daylights out of me. Now here I go! Woo hoo! I'm so far outside my comfort zone but it feels good. It's stretching me. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid of pain. I was afraid of commitment, responsibility. Now I've been abandoned. I've been without a partner since February (that is a new personal record! I was addicted to having a boyfriend. Now I've gone cold turkey!) I have to tackle my phobia of pain. I survived my first needle without fainting. In a couple of months I'll be going through labour. (Doesn't get more painful or physically taxing than that does it?!) And now that I'm a Mom, I will be committed to and responsible for another human, my child, for the rest of my life. Instead of shrinking in fear, it feels like I'm awakening, stretching my wings. I didn't give myself much credit. I didn't think I could ever handle being a Mom. Now that it's happening, I see that it was my destiny all along. I was just hiding from it. Avoiding it. I have so much love to give. Many times it was misplaced, in romantic relationships with the wrong men. Now I can shower my child with love. That is deeper and more meaningful than any other relationship or experience I could have hoped to have as a single woman. I thought I was looking for Mr. Right. It turns out what I really needed was to find myself and now, without a man in the way, I have. I am a mother. I am creative, loving, nurturing, passionate, positive, blissful. I am what I always wanted to be. No one else could give me that, I had to find it on my own.

So thank you M, for the crucible, the trial by fire that you put me through. Thank you for unravelling me and my life, ravaging my soul. Thank you for giving me this precious, unexpected gift, a miracle baby, a love beyond my wildest dreams. And thank you for knowing enough to get out of the way.

After the darkest night of your soul, comes an awakening. Enlightenment. If you can survive facing your greatest fear, you come out of it stronger, empowered. You see that you are so much more than you thought possible.

I already love this baby so much and I haven't even met her yet. I was inspired to write another song for my baby, if you want to check it out...

"Already Love You" -- music and lyrics by Ann Marie Pincivero:

I will be a brave woman because I am going to be a Mom. And they are the most powerful, brave, extraordinary creatures on Earth. To do what they do, they have to be. And thank God they do. Where would we be without them?