Light at the end of the Tunnel...

I'll have to make this short and sweet. I can't type for long because now I have CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME to add to my list of discomforts!!!

I awoke yesterday morning with numbness and tingling in my left hand, particularly my middle finger (and no it wasn't from giving too many people the finger!) I had pins and needles. I tried to shake it off. My fingers did look a bit swollen. Nothing compared to my feet. Then I noticed that even my face was a little puffy and my lips were a bit swollen. Great. So I'm actually blowing up. My feet are the worst. They have become so big they're almost black and blue.

I mentioned to the doctor that (on top of everything else I'm going through) my left hand felt weird, numb, swollen. She tapped on my left wrist to see if it hurt and I yelped in pain. She wasn't expecting such a strong reaction. She told me I have carpal tunnel and that's it's common late in pregnancy. Great. Each fresh hell that I've experienced lately is apparently "common." I guess that's somewhat comforting. So she gave me a prescription for a wrist brace (isn't it enchanting? So lovely with my fuchsia dress.) I thought at first that I might have brought this affliction on with my overzealous nesting/cleaning frenzy (organizing and clearing out my cold cellar and garage, making a trek to the thrift store with my monster haul, cleaning the house more thoroughly than I ever had etc). Maybe I overdid it. Lifted too much, scrubbed too much. Then I realized that if that were the case I would have injured my right hand more because I'm right-handed and no doubt use it more. Suddenly I remembered that on one of my umpteen trips to the bathroom through the night I had bent my wrist back once while trying to lift my enormous carcass off the bed. It is very difficult getting my big belly up off the bed now. Unfortunately I have to do it at least once an hour to go to the washroom. Each time rolling back and forth helplessly like a beached whale until trying to catapult myself up on my spindly wrists (my wrists are about the only thing that hasn't gained weight. I think they're the same size they were when I was a child.) So it makes sense that I would have strained myself lifting all that weight off the bed. I'm sure that if I tried to bench press 200 lbs I'd hurt my wrist too.

200 lbs actually isn't far off. When I stepped on the scale in the doctor's office I just about fainted. I have now gained close to 70 lbs. I can't believe it. My niece weighs 70 lbs. She's 10. So I could have a baby the size of my niece walking out! Of course a lot of it is water weight and blood judging by my massive legs and feet. And now even my bloated lips. I feel like a freak. I'm huge and ungainly and stumbling around like Frankenstein's monster. You could tell me to stop pouting but I can't help it, that's just how my lips are now! I could console myself that some women, mostly celebrities, pay for collagen injections to make their lips more plump. Somehow that doesn't help. This wrist thing is the last straw. I picked up my brace from the pharmacy and started to cry. Enough is enough. This is too much.

It is so uncomfortable and so difficult moving around. My belly is so big that it hurts to sit, hurts to walk, hurts to lie down, to get up, to be in a car (the seatbelt around the stomach is a killer. Strangles me), to be anywhere, to do anything. Now I have to try to push myself up with only one functioning hand. I am so ready for this to be over. Unfortunately the doctor said there is absolutely no sign of my going into labour anytime soon. I asked about going to the beach, taking a road trip etc. She said go for it. Might as well. My next appointment is on Tuesday (the day AFTER my due date.) She says if I don't have the baby this week then she will induce me the following Monday, if I wish. "Oh, I WISH!" I said. I am done with this! Done. So at least I know if worse comes to worst, I will have my baby by the end of the month. July 30th at the latest. Light at the end of the (carpal) tunnel.

So we went to the beach. It seemed like a nice day. I was surprised how cool it was by the water with the wind. I had some fries and an ice cream (might as well. When you're getting close to 200 lbs, what's the difference?) It was nice putting my big ole feet in the soft warm sand, listening to and watching the waves. The breeze was pretty cool by the lake so I chickened out of actually swimming but I did dip my feet in at least. It's a far cry from last summer when I was living in bikinis and at the beach just about every day. I found a men's swimsuit that was comfy as a bathing suit bottom. Unfortunately even the XL tankini wasn't enough to cover the belly now so I just put a black tank over it. I feel like a tank at this point.

As we were leaving the beach we ran into an old friend. I couldn't believe it. Seems a lifetime since I've seen him. Of course he looks amazing and I look like a giant bag of hell. I said I couldn't believe the coincidence of us being there at the same time. He said there are no coincidences. Sadly his kids didn't even recognize me. Of course the last time they saw me I was 125 lbs in a bikini. I barely recognize myself these days. I am hoping I will get back in shape after the baby. Eventually. Right now I'd be happy just to be able to walk without waddling. To be able to breathe properly. To be able to get up from a seated or reclined position without breaking my wrist. To not have balloon feet and trunk legs, a puffy face and big lips.

I shouldn't be complaining. Some wonderful things have happened recently and I am grateful. I was feeling so full of energy and excitement. There are going to be some rough days, of course. I'm going through a lot. My body is stretched beyond its limits. I'm on very little sleep. It's a lot to handle. Not to mention all the hormones. I have to cut myself some slack. It's hard to feel positive spiritually when you feel so rough physically. In the end it's all worth it. I love this baby. She is an incredible blessing. Even if I miss my due date on Monday (and everything seems to indicate that I will) at least I know the end is in sight and I will meet her the following Monday for sure, if not sooner.

Life is strange. It's not always easy. That's part of the adventure. And when you look back, sometimes it is the struggles that you look on fondly. You realize how much you've been through and it makes you stronger. I will get through this.

My sister suggested that maybe it gets so difficult toward the end (just about every woman late in pregnancy experiences the frustration of "Let's get this over with already!") to make us brave enough to face labour. We want it to be over so badly that we are relieved to go into labour. We embrace the pain because at least it is the end, it is the way out, the way through. We are done with being pregnant. We are ready to meet our babies and begin the exciting new phase of our lives. The frustration trumps the fear. I was so afraid before. I didn't feel ready, wondered if I was strong enough, worried about the pain. Now I'm like, OK let's get this show on the road! I just want to have this baby! I want my belly back. And my legs and feet and wrists and lips. I want to be able to walk again. I want to feel normal again. I don't want to go another week. If I get any bigger I may explode!

Just one more week and I will begin to feel like me again, hopefully. I will get her back -- the girl I used to be. She will be a little different. She'll be a Mommy. But when I get the OK from the doctor (likely a couple of months after delivery) I am working out hardcore. And come next summer, I will wear my bikinis again. Baby and me will hit the beach in style. I have a little pop up tent so baby will be safe in the shade while Mama tans her legs. And I will look back at photos from this summer and think, Wow, was I really that BIG?!

The end is in sight. One woman I spoke to who said that she was bloated and swollen everywhere while she was pregnant also assured me that the swelling went down almost instantly after she had the baby. All that extra blood and water weight just disappeared. Something to hope for! Then again another friend told me that she knew someone who went into the hospital hoping for a miracle after delivery. She brought her skinny jeans to go home in and was shocked that they didn't fit. I won't go quite that far. I'm assuming my extra large comfy drawstring pants and loose dresses will serve me well for a while after I give birth. But I am motivated to get back in shape. I got there once. I can get there again. Just caring for the baby will be a workout in itself. It will feel good to get back into yoga again too. I've missed it.

Hopefully the sore wrist thing won't last either. I'll need my wrists to cradle my baby most of the time! I saw someone at the beach today carrying their baby in one of those Snugli kangaroo pouch things. That can be me next year! I'd rather be carrying her on the outside than the inside. This belly is ready to bust!

The Waiting Game...

I'm due in a week!
The countdown is on!
My doctor says I may go late.
My Mom "has a feeling" I'm going to be early.
I just hope baby's on time.
You can never predict these things. Baby will come when she's good and ready.
I've done my best to prepare. Crossed off the checklists -- hospital bags packed, nursery ready, carseat installed, etc. Now it's just a waiting game...

I've been seeing my doctor every week for a while now. At my latest appointment she checked to see if there were any signs of impending labour. There apparently weren't (though she qualified that by saying that after examining one pregnant woman and telling her there was at least another week to go, the baby surprised them all and she went into labour the next day. So one never knows...) My blood pressure was normal. The baby's heartbeat was good and strong. The baby must be really low because when Doc examined me internally to see what was doing down there she was even able to touch the baby's head from inside (which frankly, freaked me out!) Doc said that I wasn't dilated but that my cervix had thinned out at least. Making it the only part of my body that has!

I've gained a LOT of weight. I'm bloated beyond belief. It felt like my belly had gotten much bigger, even since my baby shower three weeks ago so I decided to check it out. I had kept the winning piece of measuring tape from the "What Size Is the New Mommy's Tummy?" game. I wrapped it around my belly and sure enough, I've gained a couple more inches since then. I step on the scale and am in disbelief. Can this really be me? Of course some of it is the baby. Some of it (my ballooned up legs and feet) is swelling from blood pooling and water weight gain. So some of it may be gone (hopefully) immediately after birth. I have this fantasy of giving birth and my body instantly going back to normal. Sure. It could happen! Well the reality is I probably have to wait 6-8 weeks after delivery before I can begin exercising and then after several months of hard work I may get close to my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm planning to return to The 30 Day Shred and yoga which worked for me in the past. Though I've never had this much weight to lose. How much exactly? Oh, around 60 POUNDS!!! Not that it's a mystery how I've gained so much. They say you should gain about 35 lbs anyway, including changes to the body, extra blood and water, extra nutrients for the baby etc. Then you factor in the not exercising like you used to, not being able to move around as much. Add to that the pregnancy cravings (Oreo McFlurries), eating for two, figuring what the heck, I'm already big, might as well indulge and enjoy myself while this lasts!

I've heard from people who said by the time they reached this stage, they felt like they could go into labour any minute. Each day they thought, this is it! I haven't really had a moment like that although I have had some weird new stuff going on physically...

I'm getting more of the Braxton-Hicks contractions. They're more frequent, last longer and hurt a little more. Baby definitely feels lower. She's putting a lot of pressure on my bladder and colon. And every so often there's a pain, really low that feels like the baby or something is about to come out. One day while I was driving I suddenly had to go to the bathroom so badly it was excruciating. My lower back was aching, my stomach felt like lead, my head was spinning. I was almost going to pull over to the side of the road and go in the bushes (unfortunately I had to go #1 and #2! So it would not have been pretty!) To my relief I managed to make it to a Tim Hortons (good old Tims!) and waddle as fast as I could past a congregation of bikers in the parking lot and a long line-up of customers inside and made it to the bathroom just in the nick of time. Aside from the urination and colonic volcano, I passed a little blob of something. I figured it might be a bit of the mucus plug? Which I hadn't seen any sign of before that unless my sinuses count. (I often wake up with my nose all stuffed up for some reason.)

Another day I had a particularly ugly bathroom moment. One of the lowest points of my life. I was on the toilet already with a bad set of the runs (Sorry. This is way TMI!) when suddenly I felt nauseous. "You've got to be kidding me!" I thought. "No. This can't be happening!" But it was. I couldn't stop what was already going on in the toilet. Now the wave of nausea came over me and there was no stopping it. I wound up throwing up on myself. My leg, more specifically. It's a moment I won't soon forget. I've heard of burning the candle at both ends but exploding at both ends is even worse! So after I showered off and had a good cry I tried to calm myself down and figure out what was up, besides lunch. Did baby not like what I'd eaten? Did I have food poisoning or the flu? I researched online and found out that this late in the game it's actually common to have diarrhea and nausea. How lovely of them to show up at the same time! Note to self: keep a barf bag by the toilet, just in case.

My feet are more swollen than ever. Supposedly if you elevate them it brings down the swelling but how often can I do that? I decided as an experiment to hold my foot in the air as long as I could and see if it would shrink a bit. My toes started to feel more like toes and less like overstuffed sausages but it took quite a while and the difference in my foot (about a millimetre) was negligible. Perhaps for those who have a loving partner to do things for them, they can sit with their feet up while hubby does things around the house (theoretically, but how many hubbies are helpful, even if they're around? Me cynical? Oh, a tad!) and give their tortured tootsies a rest. For those on their own, like me, the chores don't do themselves and I never get to sit down for very long. I can always think of something else I could/should be doing.

During the waiting game I like to keep busy. We'd had so many hot days that when the weather cooled down a bit I decided to take the opportunity to do some gardening, specifically weeding. I can't be too fussy anymore. So I limit myself to just pulling the biggest, ugliest monster weeds. It is more and more difficult bending over the bigger I get but there's no one else to do it and I don't want my plants and flowers bullied and overrun entirely. While I'm out pulling weeds I suddenly feel a sharp pain, like a needle through my hand. A bee (or something) stung me! Right through my garden glove. It hurt like a mo-fo! Gheesh. I've gone my entire life without being stung by a bee and then I get stung while I'm pregnant?! Like I'm not going through enough?! (Note, the bee in the photo is innocent. That's just a pic I took in the garden previously.) I didn't get a look at the suspect who stung me. I was worried it might be dangerous to the baby. Could the poison affect her? And what if  I was allergic? My Mom is deathly allergic to bee stings. I didn't know if I was or not because I'd never been stung. I had a bump just a bit bigger than a mosquito bite but I put some ice on it and it all but disappeared. The glove probably protected me a lot. I figured I mustn't be allergic or my whole hand would have blown up or I would have died or something. And I read that the poison is localized so there was no harm to baby. That was a relief. If I'd been stung in my foot I wouldn't have been able to tell if I was getting swollen or not because my feet are already huge.

                        

I love that the nursery is done. I go in at night and sit in the rocker and recite Goodnight Moon (I started reading it to my baby every night since February and eventually had it memorized so now I just say it) and sing lullabies to my baby. I love puttering around in the room. I can't wait for baby to see it, though I know she wouldn't really be able to appreciate it for a while. I made a new little seashore themed shadowbox for the room. I had a seahorse and some shells I'd gotten in Florida. I'd always planned to make a shadowbox with them someday. I couldn't have dreamed that it would wind up being for my baby's nursery!

I got a great deal on a cabinet for the nursery as well ($20!) which I found online. It's the same wood as the rest of the furniture and even has glass doors with fish etched onto it!

I've never seen anything like it. It's perfect. Had to make a bit of a trek to get it but  I was in the mood for a road trip and my friend and I made a day of it. I had my hospital bag in the car just in case. Any time I make a long trip now I figure it's better to be safe than sorry. (It's partly my Mom's doing as well because it was in the news that some pregnant woman was on a roadtrip and gave birth in the car and my Mom hasn't stopped going on and on about it.)

It wound up being a nice drive and a nice day. We stopped for lunch at a restaurant in a subway car which was pretty cool. After my "super" burger I was super stuffed! It's fun stopping at random places to eat when you're driving. We were starving and actually looking for a McDonalds but then we stumbled upon this quaint little burger joint instead. I can't say that I've ever eaten in a subway car before!

Despite what the doctor says about me going late, My Mom is paranoid I'm going to be caught off guard and go into labour early, unexpectedly. She doesn't really want me to go anywhere or do anything. I guess I'm just supposed to sit and wait for baby's arrival. No way. There's still too much to do and I'm going to take advantage of my bursts of energy while I have them (the energy itself is supposed to be a sign of impending labour.)

My Mom tends to be (more than) a little neurotic. She calls me twice a day to make sure I'm OK and that nothing has "happened." She's having sympathy pains in her stomach and sympathy dreams (that she's pregnant too -- which given her age and the fact that she's had a hysterectomy is quite impossible!) She's so afraid I'm going to go into labour and have to drive myself to the hospital. I do have a friend nearby who can drive me in a pinch but from the sounds of it labour takes a day to get through and the beginning stages should be mild enough to function through. I've talked to people who were in the mall shopping and felt some cramping but ignored it. Then they finally went to the hospital several hours later and were 10 centimetres dilated! So who knows? I always imagined contractions being so unbearable but now I've had a number of people say that they're much like menstrual cramps and I'm an old pro at those after 30 years of suffering from severe cramps every 3 weeks and 3 days. I guess contractions would only be a shock to the lucky girls who never suffered from menstrual cramps before. I know that when I have random pains or Braxton-Hicks that it's not actual labour because they don't come in any sort of pattern and don't last long. I read that there's a formula 4-1-1 to tell when it's the real deal -- if you have contractions that are FOUR minutes apart, lasting ONE minute and this goes on for ONE hour -- get yourself to the hospital. Easy to remember. I'm not too panicked about going into labour all of a sudden. I trust my doctor's expertise a little more than my mom's intuition. Though I really hope I don't go late! I am done with this pregnant stuff! Enough already! Plus, I'm excited to meet my little girl.

I try to take it easy some of the time -- read and relax on my garden swing, watch a movie, surf the net but I also try to take advantage and get things done when I have the energy.

When it's too hot I escape the heat by going for a drive (at least my car is air conditioned) and shopping (stores are always an air conditioned haven). There was a sale on baby dresses and I couldn't resist picking up a couple. Is there anything cuter than tiny dresses?! My friend commented how lucky my baby is and how well dressed she'll be. I'm fortunate to have gotten donations, gifts and picked up a few bargains myself to add to her wardrobe. They've all been washed in baby detergent and are organized in her closet and dresser.

I also visit with friends and family. I'm very close to my Mom and sister and usually see them once a week. We went to the beach the other day. Last year I practically lived on beaches but it's quite different this year. Carrying all this weight it's hard to be out in the heat too much. And I'm less enthusiastic about appearing in a swimsuit with my big ole belly and elephantine swollen legs and feet. I went from size small or medium string bikinis to an XL tankini and it's still tight. I'm hoping I will get my bikini body back at least by next summer. And I hope the stretch marks don't show. Until recently I was hoping I might escape stretch marks. I've been slathering on a variety of anti-stretch mark creams (coca butter, vitamin E etc) for months. But with how big I've gotten now I guess there was no escape.



At the beach last year

At the beach this year







My belly has changed from a big round beach ball to more of an egg shape now with baby's head down at the bottom bringing it to a point. I feel a lot more pressure lower so when nature calls it's much more urgent. I also get more pains there. Another side effect of my skin stretching so far is that it's itchy as Hell! My belly, legs and feet itch like there's no tomorrow. An arsenal of anti-itching creams and lotions (from zinc oxide powder to cream to calomine to aloe to vitamin E) hasn't really helped. The only thing that helps temporarily is scratching them like a rabid cat. It feels great while I'm scratching the itch. Unfortunately when I finish, my skin is sore and itchier than ever. I guess it's all the blood in the area making my nerve endings more active than ever. I'm hoping these symptoms will disappear instantly after I give birth. I spoke to one woman who said her entire body (even her hands and face) swelled up and that the swelling disappeared immediately after giving birth. So here's hoping!

  

At least I'm feeling happy and energetic these days which makes everything easier to deal with. I still haven't felt the urge to clean per se though I did begin to tackle the basement and cold cellar which really need to be organized. It's just something else to keep me busy and hanging out downstairs makes sense when it's hot. (Not having air conditioning, the basement is the coolest place to be.) I was proud of myself that I even figured out how to hook up a TV and DVD player downstairs so I can hang out down there and watch movies when it's too hot upstairs. I'm not much of a techie and always had someone (the guy in my life at the time, whoever it happened to be) to set up my electronics for me. Now alone to navigate the back of the TV and DVD player, I realized I had no idea where the wires went but I just kept trying them in different spots until something appeared on the screen! When there's no one around to help, you have to figure these things out on your own. And it is empowering when you realize you can do it all by yourself!

I'm excited. I still can't believe my due date is just seven days away! I was worried if I did go late that I'd have a really big baby but I talked to someone who said she went more than a week past her due date and still had a relatively normal sized (7 pound) baby. So you never know. 

I guess the due date is really just a guess anyway. They can't know the exact date. All they do is go by your last period. They don't know when you actually conceived. I don't know when I conceived. I try not to think about it! It could have been anytime in late October-early November. I still can't believe it happened. But it was Fate. Everything that happened last year was for a reason. Every event, every triumph, every setback, every meeting were all leading me to this. The universe placed M on my path so that I could have this little girl. Though he was the most unlikely source, he was meant to give me the greatest gift, the greatest love of my lifetime. If I hadn't met him for coffee, if I hadn't let myself fall for him too hard, too fast, too soon, she wouldn't exist.

You're my destiny, baby! I can't wait to meet you. I'm ready when you are! No pressure. As long as you're healthy, you come out when you feel like it. (Just try not to make me wait too long!) And if you could please give Mama some advance notice/warning signs. I'll be watching for them!

Worrying, waddling, weeping...The worst trimester!

They say there's no point crying over spilled milk but that didn't stop me. I'd been having a bad day as it was and knocking over the quart of milk was kind of the last straw. I've been so clumsy with my big belly and my ballooned up swollen feet I've been bumping into things, knocking things over, dropping things. I feel so weak and exhausted, bloated and achy and the heat only makes it worse. I've been so fragile that every little thing can set me off. Not to mention how difficult it is and how much it hurts to bend down to clean up spilled milk now. So yeah I cried.

Now I know a lot of it is hormonal. I have read that it's normal, which is somewhat comforting. But when you're in the midst of a pity party (and man, I can throw some doozies!) you just feel like you're the only one in the world going through this and you feel like you're a bad Mommy because you're crying and the baby can hear you and your body is convulsing and it's going to upset the baby. She'll think there's an earthquake or something. But then you read and research and talk to supportive friends and family who tell you -- oh hell no -- they cried every day for months and baby was just fine. I do speak some soothing words of comfort after a crying spell though "It's OK baby. Mommy's OK. I love you." and sing "Three Little Birds" -- trying to convince myself as well as the baby not to worry about a thing "'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

As my due date approaches I'm finding the third trimester is a bit of a flashback to the first (extreme fatigue, stress and tears) only worse because now it's summer instead of winter and I'm three times the size! At least I don't have the nausea but everything else is overwhelming. When I'm sleep-deprived (and considering I wake up every hour to use the washroom, a solid night's rest is a thing of the past) everything feels that much worse. Some days it feels like I'm falling apart.

I got spoiled during the second trimester. For the most part, I felt great. I had energy. I was enthusiastic. I was happier than I'd ever been. I felt excited and blessed and strong. While I had heard that the third trimester was difficult, I couldn't have imagined the Hell that awaited me.

Yeah, it just sucks.

I knew that I would be at my biggest. And I really do feel like a planet. I had joked about being a beach ball before but my stomach literally has expanded to beach ball proportions. My belly button has popped out and even seems to have a dark circle around it like a black eye. While I had been slathering on cream to prevent stretch marks, I still wound up with stretch marks at the bottom of my belly. I found a new stretch mark cream that has cocoa butter, shea butter, vitamin E, collagen and elastin in it. Unfortunately while it purports to "reduce the appearance of stretch marks" it also smells like chocolate. So ironically my belly may expand even further since I'm craving sweets all the more, walking around with a big old belly that smells like chocolate chip cookies!

It is hard to move around with this belly. I can no longer see my feet. Bending is painful. Cleaning the house is an exercise in torture. But I felt guilted into giving things a good cleaning (Thanks Mom! "Everything has to be clean for the baby!" she screeched. Though as far as I can tell, it will be a while before my baby is at the crawling stage so I don't know why the floor had to be spotless at this point!) I was waiting for that "nesting" instinct to kick in when you're supposed to get a burst of energy and be inspired to clean like never before. Unless some miracle happens in the next couple of weeks, I can't imagine feeling energetic and wanting to clean. My burst of energy came in the second trimester when I wanted to get things ready for the nursery. My enthusiasm for cleaning sinks and toilets never did show up. Let's face it. Baby won't be using those for a LONG TIME. As it was I had zero energy or enthusiasm but I grudgingly cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, vacuumed and washed the floors. It nearly killed me. Between my weight gain, swollen feet and legs and the heat of summer (with no air conditioning) I'm not sure how I survived it. But I was relieved once it was done. From now on, I'm going to try to just ignore my mother. When I feel bad I really don't need her calling to make me feel worse. I have call display for a reason! Yes I love you Mom but sometimes you DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!

The swollen foot thing had started months ago, in my second trimester, but mainly in my left foot and it was nothing compared to this. Now both legs and feet are completely ballooned up. I am the Michelin man. White for the most part except that my feet are red and if I walk around too long they turn purple and sometimes even black.

I never really paid attention to peoples' ankles or feet before. But now with my big balloons I find myself looking rather wistfully at people with cute little feet and actual ankle bones.

I was sitting on the bench at Walmart, waiting for my Mom and found myself looking at everyone's feet as they went by. I finally saw someone who had cankles almost as bad as mine. They were about 400 pounds. I started to feel bad for anyone who is extremely overweight and to realize how difficult it must be for them to move around. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to walk. You waddle, partly because of the weight you're carrying and partly because of your feet being so swollen. Everything is more difficult. And it would be a vicious cycle because you wouldn't have the energy to exercise so it would be even harder to lose the weight. Any bit of exertion knocks you out. At least for me this is a temporary condition and I'm hoping that I'll lose the weight I've gained after having the baby.

I miss my old legs and feet. My old tummy. I had worked so hard to get in shape and then only got to stay that way for less than a year. I'm hoping that as soon as I have the baby the water weight and blood pooling in my legs will go away instantly. And I'm hoping that between giving birth, breastfeeding (which burns a lot of calories and helps return your uterus to its normal size sooner) and working out again that I'm able to get back to the shape that I was in last year (the best shape of my adult life after eating right and exercising to reach my goal weight. I didn't realize that I was inadvertently getting my body primed to conceive a baby!)

Then there are the bathroom blues...Even before I was pregnant, I had a small bladder and made frequent trips to the washroom. I also suffered from IBS. I spent a lot of time on the toilet. These days, with baby and her biosphere camped out on my bladder (and she hasn't even dropped yet!) I'm peeing every half hour or so. No more sleeping through the night. As far as my bowels are concerned (sorry this is going to be TMI so for the squeamish, just disregard the rest of this paragraph!) I was already accustomed to diarrhea, but the constipation has been a whole new adventure. Strangely, they seem to alternate. Sometimes it feels like I really have to go and nothing comes. Other times, it's a volcanic eruption. For bathroom issues alone it is a relief to be off work. It was embarassing when I literally had to run to the washroom. Especially since my run is more of a fast waddle. Have you ever seen a penguin running? Well it's a lot more cute when they do it! See video below. I can picture her saying "Outta my way! I gotta go!" I'm pretty sure I had my arms outstretched like that too, to keep people out of my path.

On top of the physical discomforts I've been going through, I've also had a lot of stress which has been kicked up a notch since I'm going on maternity leave. Worrying about impending labour, worrying will I be a good Mommy? Will I be able to support my baby and me? Things will be tight. The most urgent problem is that I still have to sell my car. Please if you or someone you know is in the market for a nearly new convertible (2010 Mazda MX5 silver automatic) LET ME KNOW! Here's a link to my ad on Kijiji:
http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-cars-vehicles-cars-trucks-2010-Mazda-MX-5-Miata-GX-Convertible-W0QQAdIdZ392936566
I can't make these payments anymore. I'm not even driving the car and haven't since the Fall of 2011. I loved the car but now it's killing me. I have to sell it ASAP and I have to get what's still owing on it or there will be a lien on it. A single Mom on a tight budget, I don't know how I'm going to manage. Baby will hopefully have free milk for the first six months. Unfortunately I'm guessing if Mama can't afford to buy groceries for herself, it may hurt milk production!

I try to remain positive. Things have a way of working out for the best usually. At this point I just can't see how. I need things to be resolved, the sooner the better. I have enough to worry about without the financial strain.

I'm terrified of labour and delivery. When I complain about how difficult the third trimester is, people ask "I guess you can't wait to have the baby and get it over with already?!" But the truth is, I don't want the baby to be early. I'm not ready. I don't want the baby to be early or late. Hopefully she's right on time or thereabouts. Not only am I scared of giving birth, I'm scared to be a Mom. To bring a newborn baby home. I don't feel responsible enough, grown up enough. It's overwhelming. This was something I never imagined for myself. As much as I love the baby and am excited to meet her, I am also TERRIFIED! My life is going to change forever. There's no turning back. I'm going to have a small human to take care of and raise for the rest of my life. This is the biggest leap I've ever taken. I wanted to go skydiving. Jumping out of a plane would have been nothing compared to this. Am I ready? Will I ever feel ready?

My Mom was on my case about packing a bag for the hospital. My mother is always in panic mode. She worries about the worst case scenario. She wanted me to be ready in case of an emergency. She kept saying that she thought I was going to have the baby early. "Why are you saying that?! Stop it!" In fact, having seen my doctor, who knows a little more about obstetrics than my mother, it seems that if anything I'm likely to go later. The baby hasn't dropped yet and she said that generally it will be another 4 weeks to delivery after the baby drops. Mind you she also qualified it by saying that you can never really predict and it's silly to try. But I see the doctor every week and if she sees any signs of impending labour, she'll let me know.

I have had Braxton Hicks contractions. I'd been having them for a while but didn't really know what they were until someone explained that it's like a tightness or hardening of the uterus all of a sudden. Not really painful, just kind of weird and uncomfortable. It's something like a menstrual cramp. I can deal with those. I had horrendous menstrual cramps since I first got my period at 13 years old. Lucky me. If actual contractions are like that, I think I can handle it. I imagine that contractions will be a little more severe and will of course come more frequently at regular intervals. Perhaps the women who complain about contractions were the ones who had never suffered menstrual cramps. I'm a pro at those so maybe it won't be so bad after all. Hey, I can dream!

Anyway, where was I? (Sorry, I've got baby brain!) Oh yes, Mom was trying to convince me to have a bag packed for the hospital "just in case." It made me sick to think about it and felt like it may be tempting fate so I kept putting it off. When a friend started lobbying for me to pack my bags too I started to think OK maybe they have a point. My friend had free tickets to the movies and was taking me to see "Brave" (got to love a feisty blue-eyed, red-haired heroine who doesn't need a man to rescue her). She was going to pick me up the next day and see the nursery and check up on me that I'd actually packed the bag, so unfortunately now I actually had to do it. So I started. I was stressed to the max. What should I bring? I packed the diaper bag for the baby first. Diapers and wipes. That's easy. Changes of clothes. Onesies for newborns. But wait, what if she's bigger? Better bring some 0-3 month outfits just in case. I had been organized at least and washed all the baby's clothes in baby detergent and put them away grouped by size/age. Blankets. What if it's cold that day? What if it's hot? Bring options. I was getting increasingly stressed. Then I packed a bag for me. PJs. Nursing bra and pads. Travel size toiletries (ran out to get some. Scratch that. Waddled out to Walmart to get things I didn't have.) Clothes to come home in (what would the weather be like? What size would I be? Would I magically deflate like a balloon?) Should I bring shorts? A skirt? What will be comfy after pushing a baby out of my hoohoo? Extra underwear. Pads (Haven't needed them in a while! But I've read I'll need them afterward...) A journal to scribble down my experiences. Extra batteries for my camera. Suddenly I was just overcome. I started to cry. I was scared. I didn't want to go to the hospital. If I didn't pack the bag then maybe this wasn't real. Maybe it was all a dream. Like those TV shows where they wake up and the whole season was just a dream. Somehow packing the bags made it too real. But I did it. They were packed to the gills. (My bags always are. Even anytime I went on vacation or overnight somewhere my bags were stuffed with extras, with options, with "just in case." It's part of the control freak/worrier gene that I inherited from my mother. Thanks Mom!) At least my bags are packed now so my friend and Mom can get off my case! They do have a point because I'm sure when I go into labour I wouldn't be able to think of anything to bring. I have a hard time thinking now!

My sister not only got me an amazing stroller system for my shower gift (on top of throwing me a beautiful baby shower) but she also put it together for me (thank God because I'm not mechanically inclined at the best of times, am very uncoordinated these days and my problem-solving abilities are nil.) I just glanced at the instructions and felt like I was going to cry. It would have taken me three weeks to figure it out if left on my own with it. Who knew it would be in pieces in the box? My brother in law installed the carseat in my car. Again a huge help because I wouldn't have known where to start. Seeing the child restraint in my backseat made it all even more real for me. Of course, it had to be done. Even more important than packing the bag for the hospital. They don't let you take your baby home if you don't have the carseat installed. This was all freaking me out even more. We wanted to see what it would be like to have a baby in the seat so my niece strapped in one of her stuffed cats. It was cute but I made sure she took him back out because I thought if she forgot and anyone looked in the window and saw a stuffed cat in a babyseat in my car, they'd really think I'd lost it.

So. Hospital bag packed. Carseat installed. Baby clothes washed and put away. My brother in law is bringing the furniture this week. I've read the books. Done the research. Somehow I still don't feel ready.

My friend said it still blows her mind that I'm having a baby. She can't wrap her head around it. I asked "How do you think I feel?!" I never expected this. In a million years. I never saw me as a Mom. Even when I dated men with kids, I felt like one of the kids. I wasn't the parent, the responsible one, the grown up. Do I know how to be? Can I learn? For the past nine months, I've known this was coming, but it was far enough away that it was still sort of an abstract idea. Now I'm down to the last few weeks and the reality is hitting me head-on. Holy crap. I'm going to be a Mom. And the metamorphosis could not be more dramatic if I literally was becoming a butterfly, or a mermaid. I will be entering another world. It will be like learning to fly or breathing underwater.  It's something I've never done. Yes I had babysitting jobs as a kid. Yes I've had nieces and nephews. But nothing like this. It's my baby. And I don't even have a partner to help. It's ALL ME! The pressure!

Now don't get me wrong. I am happy and excited about the baby. I love this baby more than anything. And I am extremely grateful. As hard a time as I've been having, I do still have good days, happy moments. I do feel blessed to have had a normal, healthy pregnancy. Even the difficult things I've gone through were apparently common and right on schedule. It's been a textbook pregnancy and I do feel lucky for that. Aside from that, I know that the end result (my baby!) is more than worth it. All fears aside, I know that my baby is the love of my life and I will be thrilled to meet her. The truth is that most of the best moments of my life were also my scariest. They were the times when I took a leap. If you're not a little scared, you're probably not growing.

Humour can help you through just about anything. Humour and love. My sister is amazing. She always manages to calm me down and make me laugh. She is so nurturing, supportive and encouraging. I know that my Mom means well but she tends to be negative and a worrier and stresses me out. My sister is the voice of reason, the understanding, patient and loving angel that has pulled me out of the abyss in some of my life's darkest moments. She is the most extraordinary Mom, sister and friend that anyone could have. Knowing that she is with me through this journey is my greatest comfort. May, I couldn't get through this without you!

I am also grateful to Jenny McCarthy for making me laugh out loud. Someone had recommended her book, "Belly Laughs" to me and it has been a godsend. She is so brutally honest (and graphic!) about all of the physical and emotional changes you go through during pregnancy, so candid and funny that it has helped me to laugh even on some of my darkest days. I haul my big ole belly and my swollen feet onto my garden swing for a few moments and relax and laugh at Jenny's pregnant misadventures, some I can completely relate to, others I'm glad I managed to escape, but through it all, I feel like part of the sisterhood of pregnant women. I am not alone. There are a lot of us going through this, or have gone through this, billions of us throughout history! I can do this! And I swear, from now on, when I see a pregnant woman, I'm going out of my way to be nice to her! I'll give her my place in line, help her carry things, whatever she needs.

I have to say that it's a good thing today's princesses (such as Merida in "Brave") don't need a prince to rescue them, because chivalry is DEFINITELY dead! I went to Canadian Tire expecting to be in and out in a few minutes. I knew what I wanted, it was in the flyer, on sale, I just had to grab it and go. Except that they were sold out. So I was told to head to customer service for a raincheck. OK. My feet were nearly purple but this couldn't take more than 5-10 minutes tops, right? Unfortunately there were six men ahead of me in line. The one at the counter had some sort of problem with his receipt or the price or God-knows-what but his refund was taking an eternity. Phone calls were being made. People were coming with keys. Managers were being called. All the while, the blood and water are pooling in my bloated feet, I'm having a particularly difficult Braxton Hicks contraction, I'm still sweating from it being 35 degrees celsius outside and my ribs hurt. So I stand there waiting, panting, holding my belly, trying to stand like a flamingo (a rather portly and ungraceful one!) to take the pressure off my foot and I couldn't help but think that the six men ahead of me (ranging in age from about 18 years to 50 years) had absolutely no human compassion, honour, kindness, nor any redeeming qualities of any kind. It's not that they didn't see me. A few of them actually eyed me up and down a few times (with looks ranging from mild curiosity, to indifference, to disdain.) I would have been hard to miss. In my mind I fantasized that at least one or even a couple of them would say "Oh you poor dear, you go ahead of me!" But not a single one offered. Of course not. I think there was a time when men were gentlemen, when they would give up their seats for a lady on the train, when they would let a woman "with child" ahead of them in line. Those days are gone. Chivalry. Niceties. Kindness. Gone. Perhaps women's liberation put an end to that. Maybe they figure "Hey, you wanted equality, so stand there and suffer like the rest of us." Except there is no equality because I have never seen a man carrying a small human in his abdomen. They will never know how we suffer. And they don't even care. There are no more princes, knights, heroes. Now there are just cold, selfish, insensitive men standing in the customer service line at Canadian Tire, their eyes vacant as zombies. (Ok, before I start getting hate mail for painting all of manunkind with the same brush, I will admit that yes there are still a couple of nice men in the world. I've met a couple. They just didn't happen to be in that line!)

After 15 minutes I was about ready to collapse. There was a wheelchair by the wall. I was tempted to drag it over and sit on it. Oh to be able to sit at least would be a help. Then the angel of a woman who got in line behind me read my mind "You poor thing. Here why don't you sit on this? I remember what it was like when I was pregnant." I could have kissed her. "I was actually contemplating it. Thank you!" So she wheeled the chair over to me and I sat down. A couple of the guys looked down at me rather sheepishly. Even with me sitting in a wheelchair and my huge balloon feet turning various shades of black, purple and red, they didn't budge, didn't offer to let me ahead of them. I thanked the woman behind me for her kindness. 

I think more concessions should be made for pregnant women. There should be a pregnant express checkout. Special expectant Mom lines at the drive-thru. You should never have to wait, never have to stand, never have to walk more than a few feet to get where you're going. Now granted, I was somewhat less sympathetic before being pregnant myself. I used to roll my eyes when I'd hear someone complain about something and then add "and I'm PREGNANT!" as if that made a difference. Frankly, it does! Now that I know what you go through, those women should be able to get away with anything. Seriously, I think it should even be a valid argument in court. "Your honour, I'm PREGNANT!" "Ok. You're free to go." Even in a murder case. I mean with all those hormones? Please. There should be more expectant mother parking spots. Before I was pregnant I remember seeing so many of those spots and almost being tempted to use them (hey I could be in the first trimester, who would know?) Now that I'm actually pregnant it seems like none of the stores have them anymore. It's not fair. It's like they found out I was pregnant and painted over them all! Or maybe I'm just being sensitive. When I actually find a pregnant parking spot I'm so happy I waddle out of the car proudly displaying my belly like it's some rite of passage. No one would ever question whether I have a right to be in those spots these days. You can see me a mile away.

Most of the time I try to be positive. Unfortunately once in a while I need to vent and I have here, at length. At nine months pregnant, with just a few weeks to go, my body, mind and spirit are stretched to the limit. It's not always easy, but I know it's not for much longer and it's for a really good cause -- the most magical, most significant day of my life.

Life is so strange. I know that when I look back, even at my struggles, I am grateful for the experiences. Things always work out for the best eventually. No matter how tough the obstacles seem at the time, you do get over them. You survive and become stronger. I will get through this. I just have to remember that humour and love can get you through just about anything. I am grateful for the love of friends and family. Grateful for the love I feel for my baby. And grateful that I can still laugh, at life, at myself.

I love to laugh. Especially now. I figure it's a happy earthquake for baby in there and it lets her know that yes, sometimes Mama is sad, sometimes she's scared and stressed and overwhelmed, but a lot of the time she's silly and fun and happy. Life is more of a comedy than a tragedy. You have to laugh.

Sliding into third (trimester, that is!)

I've heard the second trimester referred to as the "Honeymoon Phase" of pregnancy and for the most part it was a LOT easier than the first (which in my case was characterized by nausea, violent mood swings, severe fatigue, depression and just generally feeing crappy.) In the 2nd trimester, I had more energy, my appetite was good (maybe too good!) and I felt happy and healthy overall. But I guess the honeymoon is over. Lately, I've begun to experience some new and uncomfortable symptoms. The swelling in my foot I already mentioned in a previous post "My Left Foot". My doctor prescribed me compression hosiery, which are basically stockings that squeeze the heck out of your foot so it couldn't swell if it wanted to. Yeah, they're dead-sexy. I tried them. They were very hard to get on. They did keep my foot from becoming balloon-like. Unfortunately they turned my toe purple and the best thing about them was peeling them off at the end of the day. I think I'll just go with bare feet and sandals and try to keep my feet elevated as much as possible. As I learned the hard way, another problem with having all your blood pool in your feet is that if you stub your toe, it will be a geyser of blood! One day I was on the phone, getting ready for work and rushing around when I stubbed my toe on the bassinett (it has feet that stick out so that it can rock). With the added weight and the bloated foot, I've been a little clumsier and more ungainly lately. (It doesn't help that my left foot is huge and with my belly in the way I can't even see it anymore.) Suddenly I realized my middle toe was gushing blood. I put pressure on it and it wouldn't stop. I put a bandage on it and it soaked through. After a few bandaids (and do you know how hard it is to get a bandage on your middle toe without sticking to the other toes?!) a lot of pressure and holding my foot up in the air, I was good to go. These things always seem to happen when you're already rushing to get ready for work!

There are aspects of my new voluptuous figure that I don't mind. My cups runneth over! To the point where I just gave up wearing a bra because it was getting too costly to have to keep going up a size. I would try one on in the store and think it was comfortable until a couple of days later when it was too tight and I couldn't stand it and had to tear it off. I will have to get nursing bras of course but I am going to wait until the end so I don't have to worry about outgrowing them. I do tend to get backaches more often now. Between the boobs and the belly, I'm front heavy and it puts a strain on my back, especially when I have to bend over to do things like gardening, weeding, etc. Another thing that makes bras so uncomfortable is that I now have a pain under my breasts, along my braline where my ab muscles used to be. The doctor explained that my uterus is pushing up toward my chest, meaning added pressure against my ribs. My belly is taking over and there is now no evidence of the muscles I'd worked on. Everything is being crowded and stretched.

At my last appointment, my doctor told me that I've actually gained too much weight now. I was gaining about a pound a week until suddenly I gained an extra 5 lbs in a week, inexplicably (I'm sure the ice cream had NOTHING to do with it!) I like to use the excuse that I'm eating for two. Of course realistically you're only supposed to consume an extra 300 calories of healthy foods for the baby. I was probably having at least an extra 500 or more (or an extra 1000 on a really bad day). Despite the number on the scale, when she measured my abdomen she said that I was the perfect size for this stage and that everything is where it should be. So who cares if I've put on a little extra weight?! Gheesh cut me some slack! Considering that I've gone up a few bra sizes and my leg is swollen up like a tree, it should be understandable. A lot of it is probably water weight. Yes I know the goal is to gain 20-35 lbs over the course of the pregnancy but that's in theory. In practice it doesn't seem to be the norm for most people. Women I've talked to typically gained from 50-80 lbs. A lot of it depends on how much you weighed before your pregnancy. My sister gained 75 lbs with her first but she was a rail (100 lbs) before the pregnancy, so she probably had to gain a fair bit just so she wouldn't be underweight. One woman assured me that she was carrying a ton of water weight (she was swollen everywhere, not just her feet) and lost most of it just having the baby. Breastfeeding burns off a lot as well. And I will work out again after the baby. So I'm not going to stress myself out about it. I'm certainly not going to starve myself, or the baby. If we're hungry, we're eating! Most of my diet is very healthy but I do indulge (hey, I'm human and I have cravings!) now and then. Besides, yes I've gone from 125 to 157 lbs but 125 was the lowest I'd been since I was 21 years old. It was only last year that I reached that goal weight. Before working out hardcore last year, my weight was anywhere from 130-145 lbs. So if you consider that my normal weight was about 140 lbs, then I've really only gained 17 lbs! So there! 


157 lbs now



125 lbs last year





















If I have put on a few more pounds than I should, it's no wonder. Not only am I eating more, but I haven't really been exercising much. I used to be much more active. I did yoga every day, aerobics, went dancing a couple of times a week, etc. I haven't attempted yoga in several months. I wouldn't be able to handle a vigorous aerobic workout these days and needless to say I don't hit the nightclubs anymore! (You don't see too many pregnant women on the dancefloor!) I do boogie around to the radio a little when I'm home but I get tired pretty easily now. I get winded climbing the stairs, partly because of my added weight and partly because my growing uterus is crowding my lungs, making it harder to breathe.

Another new symptom to rear its ugly head recently: HEARTBURN. I'd never really experienced it before getting pregnant. I finally understand just how appropriate the word heartburn is to describe the condition. My heart was ON FIRE! Actually the entire area from my belly to my throat was burning. It almost made me nauseous. It came on all of a sudden while I was at work and drinking a huge bottle of water (here I thought drinking water was supposed to be GOOD for you.) I'd had pasta and salad for lunch and some fruit for a snack. I thought I was being quite healthy. Then the burning started. I would soon learn (I did a little reading about it online) that citrus and particularly tomatoes can cause heartburn and that water actually makes it worse! A lot of people were suggesting I take antacids. I discovered that drinking milk calms my molten lava stomach and seems a healthier option than popping Tums. Drinking obscene quantities of milk appears to keep the heartburn at bay. Unfortunately milk gives me gas. Burping and flatulence isn't ideal, especially in public but anything is preferable to that burning feeling.

Before being pregnant, I had to use the bathroom quite frequently. Now of course, with a baby sitting on my bladder, it's even worse. I never sleep through the night anymore. I always have to get up at least once, sometimes twice to use the washroom. Then when I'm awake, I'm usually starving so I'll have a little bite to eat before going back to bed (yes it's a mystery how I've been gaining so much weight. It's truly baffling! Tee hee. I can't help it. If baby is hungry, Mama eats. I'll get my old bod back after baby vacates my belly.) It's embarrassing at work to have to go to the bathroom so often but I don't really have a choice. When I have to go, I HAVE TO GO!

Aside from the physical symptoms of pregnancy, it seems there have been mental ones as well. A couple of people referred to it as "pregnancy brain." Maybe it's because there is so much on my mind and so much going on with my body, but I have been much more distracted and forgetful lately. Sometimes I lose track of what day it is. I get confused. If I didn't have my schedule in my calendar I'd be completely lost. At home and at work I'll sometimes find myself blanking out on things that I've always been able to do with no thought or effort. Work is more difficult. Twelve hour shifts can be tough at the best of times. It's that much more taxing when you're pregnant. I work rotating dayshifts and nightshifts. Being a night owl, days are my hardest. I usually only get a couple of hours' sleep and it is REALLY difficult to function when sleep deprived, especially now. People are quick to point out that's it's good preparation for the baby coming. I've had practice getting up at 4:30 a.m. and having to work for 12 hours on no sleep. I'm hoping baby will be a nightowl like me though. She's never active in the mornings. She moves around the most in the afternoon and evening. Especially after midnight. Fine by me. We can nap the morning away and be up all night! She is getting much more active and aggressive with her little kicks. I love feeling her move. It is my favourite thing about being pregnant. (That and hearing her heartbeat at the doctor's office or seeing her on the ultrasound). It's when I feel the strongest bond with her and I always acknowledge her either by talking to her -- "Hey baby!" when I'm at home or more subtly rubbing my tummy if I'm out somewhere.

They say that late in the third trimester, the nesting instinct starts to kick in and you feel a burst of energy where you can't wait to clean the house and get things ready for the baby. I've already started to experience this. My family helped me move the remaining items from my former guest room to turn it into a nursery. I used to have it as a collectibles room until my ex moved in and forced Barbie, the teddy bears and the guest bed into the basement so he could take it over as his scorpion and sword-laden gothic office/dungeon area. After finding out I was pregnant, I had planned to make his office the nursery eventually but was afraid to broach the subject with him. Luckily I never had to. With the room empty now, I couldn't wait to paint. I chose turquoise because I want to do an ocean theme (my master bedroom, bathroom and just about every room in my house to some degree has an ocean theme. My dream was to live on a tropical island. It's a bit of an obsession). I used BEHR paint (I highly recommend their paint! I've used it all over the house every time I've painted. They have an amazing colour selection. It goes on easily and you only ever need one coat). The shade is called "Teal Zeal." It felt good to brighten up the formerly grey room. My ex always kept the shade drawn. Come to think of it, he probably was a vampire! I loved to see the formerly dark, dismal room become bright and cheery. The colour looks blue in the photo but it's actually a beautiful shade of turquoise.

Now I can't wait to fill the room with artwork (I'm planning to do several mermaid/sea theme paintings) and furniture! I'm so grateful my sister is giving me her crib, change table and rocker as she doesn't need them for my nephew anymore. It's an enormous help for a single mom on a tight budget to save on so many large purchases. Of course there's really no rush for the furniture. I'll have the baby in the bassinett right next to me for the first few months and then move her into the nursery eventually. I'm just anxious to see the room finished. I've already been playing around with ideas for layout. It's been fun getting things ready for the baby. The room, clothes and other things I'm going to need. I've been very lucky to get donations from friends and family for the most part. My sister has been awesome. I'm relying on May and my Mom to offer support and advice along the way as well. Time is flying! We're almost into May. July will be here before I know it. Though I have done a lot of reading about pregnancy and caring for a baby, I know that I'll need street smarts as well as book smarts. Having a couple of pros like May and my Mom to turn to is a huge blessing. I know I'll have a LOT of questions once the baby is here. I'll probably be calling them 20 times a day!

Next week I have to go for my gestational diabetes test. Not relishing the idea. (If you've read my post, "Labour of Love" then you know that I have an intense PHOBIA of needles and that I faint every single time.) A lot of people have phobias. Some people are terrified of snakes. I think snakes are cute. Frankly, I'd take a python over a needle any day! Snakes have never hurt me. Needles always hurt. I have to just try to block it out. Breathe. Relax. Mind over matter. I know I'm going to have to toughen up to survive labour so maybe I should take this as a learning opportunity. Maybe this time I won't faint. Needles have always been my nemesis. This one will be even more frightening since they're going to make me drink a sickening (I've heard it's NOT pleasant) sugar drink (why can't they just let me have a Coke?!) and then sit there for an hour psyching myself out until they take my blood. I can only hope it goes well so that I won't have to have the subsequent three hour test where you have to fast beforehand. I can't imagine going 14 hours or more without eating, especially now. I feel weak and lightheaded on a full stomach never mind an empty one. They told me I didn't have to fast before this one but I am going to cut down on my sugar (I won't even have OJ in the morning just in case) before I go. Wish me luck!

I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday I took the pregnancy test and saw that shocking YES + in November. So much has happened since then (including my ex disappearing and leaving me to raise our child alone.) It's been a rollercoaster to say the least. Now I'm two thirds of the way there. Just three more months to go. I'm going to get even bigger. And it's going to be Summer. I don't mind forgoing bikinis for a bit. Being pregnant has been an adventure and for the most part, I'm enjoying it. The biggest and best day of my life is yet to come. I still can't believe it. I'm excited and nervous. July 23rd. The day I get to meet the love of my life, my baby.