Baby, you're worth it!

I've been told that being a Mom is the hardest job I'll ever have and the most rewarding. My life has already been turned upside down in ways I never imagined possible. Physically, emotionally and mentally, this baby has taken me over! But I surrender control. Baby, you're worth it! It's amazing how your priorities, your lifestyle, every aspect of your life begins to change, but it feels right. You are becoming a different person and the things that used to seem so important aren't as significant.

I still have to sell my car. The payments are killing me and to continue paying for a car that I haven't driven in months (my parents gave me their old car to use and the MX5 has been stored in their garage since December) and that I wouldn't be able to drive with the baby (or even for 12 years as a single Mom. You can't put a carseat in a 2-seater!) is painful. I've been trying to sell it online. Unfortunately, buyers usually want to negotiate. Because I have to get what's still owing on it, there really isn't room for negotiation. It's a nearly new car. People don't usually buy/sell a car after only a year or so. I'm trying not to panic. I know that things have a way of working out. But I need to sell the car ASAP. If you know anyone who lives in the GTA (specifically Oakville, Ontario, Canada) and is in the market for an almost new Mazda MX5 convertible, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! Write to me at amp2sell@gmail.com
Here's the ad on Kijiji:
http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-cars-vehicles-cars-trucks-2010-Mazda-MX-5-Miata-GX-Convertible-W0QQAdIdZ386622847

I've made changes around the house. My sleek glass and chrome coffee table has been replaced by a much more kid-friendly leather ottoman with storage for toys. The nursery is painted and set up (just waiting for my brother in law to deliver the crib, rocker, change table.) All the baby's clothes have been washed in special baby detergent and organized in the dresser and closet by size/age. I suspect I'll be doing even more nesting as time goes on. I felt ambitious and cleaned the garage a couple of weeks ago. I washed the floors for the first time in a long while.



40 lbs heavier...so far!


Of course the biggest changes have been in me, physically and mentally. I've gained 40 lbs. It's still kind of surreal to me when I look at myself in the mirror. From the neck up, I'm still me. From the neck down I wouldn't recognize myself! My chest, stomach and legs are bigger than I ever could have imagined. And I still have more than a month to go! For the most part I've enjoyed being pregnant but it is a challenge and the bigger I get the more difficult everything is. Breathing. Moving. Mentally it's harder to concentrate. They called it "baby brain" at work. Admittedly I have been a little distracted/absent-minded...



Last yr & hopefully later this year!



One day I was at the mall and got a couple of cute little outfits at the children's store. I decided to walk to the video store at the other end of the mall. I have apparently lost my copy of Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred" and I want to have it on hand for after the baby. As soon as I get the OK from my doctor to work out after delivery, I'm doing it. I lost 15 lbs on it last time. I'm determined to get my shape back.

Anyway, I was happy to find that the store had the DVD but when I went to pay for it, my heart sank. My credit card was missing! OMG! I panicked. I realized I must have left it at the children's store, at the complete opposite end of the mall. "I'll be back," I told the cashier. She saw the panicked look in my eyes and my eight month pregnant belly and warned "Don't run! Take your time." But I had to hurry. What if the card wasn't there? What if someone picked it up/stole it? My heart was pounding. I was at a walking run but it was difficult with the large belly. On top of that, my ribs were aching, I had trouble breathing. My feet and legs were numb, swollen. The pressure in my pelvis/abdomen was unbearable. I was afraid I'd go into labour. I was sweating, out of breath, must have looked a sight. By the time I got back to the store I was almost in tears. I could barely speak. "I" gasp "forgot" pant "my" wheeze "credit card!" There it was still sticking out of the machine. Most machines tell you to please remove your card before the receipt prints. This one, sadly, did not. I have never left my credit card. Then again I've never been pregnant (and never thought I would be!), this is the first time I've experienced "baby brain." I was so relieved to have my card back. I sat down on a bench outside the store to catch my breath. My feet were purple. Somehow I had to make it to the other end of the mall to buy my workout DVD. Ironically this was the biggest workout I'd had in 8 months!

Yes life is definitely different this June. Last year I was hitting the beach, wearing a different bikini every day, driving with the top down, dating a tall blond sunkissed Hungarian god. This year I'm alone, driving my parents' old Hyundai, sporting a big ole belly, wearing maternity clothes. I haven't been to the beach yet. I'm not quite as anxious to go now that my legs are twice the size and stark white. I still love the sun but I'm feeling the heat a lot more with the extra weight. I can't date (though this is just as well. My baby girl is keeping me out of trouble for a change! I needed a break from men!) I can't go out dancing. I can't do my yoga. (Well I could manage some of the positions I suppose, but certainly not the headstand which I was doing daily before. Most of the positions are impossible or extremely uncomfortable so I've just avoided it until I get my shape, strength, balance and flexibility back.) Easily exhausted, there is a lot less I can do. Work is more difficult. It's uncomfortable sitting for 12 hour shifts now with a sore back, heartburn, pain in my ribs, swollen legs and feet. And those embarassingly frequent trips to the bathroom (sometimes almost running to make it!) And mentally I often feel like my head is in a fog. There is so much on my mind it's harder to concentrate. Sometimes I forget the simplest things, like my password to log on to the computer. Baby brain.

When I overdo it these days I usually suffer afterward so I try to take it easy when I can. Sometimes I'll put my feet up and watch TV. "The Bachelorette" is the only show I make a point of watching. I am a reality TV junkie. Watching TLC's "A Baby Story" is usually a bad idea. I always end up crying at the birth. It's a bit melancholy as well always seeing happy couples awaiting their new arrival. The only episode I saw where the woman was alone was a widow whose hubby was killed by a roadside bomb while overseas. She was clutching his dog tags while in labour. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in my situation, (abandoned by the baby's deadbeat dad when I was four months pregnant) but I've talked to other single Moms and learned that it's actually quite common. Apparently a lot of men discover at some point during the pregnancy that they aren't ready or willing to be fathers and skip out.

I've been reading more lately too. Sitting out on the garden swing my Mom gave me. I heard about a book called "Rattled" by Christine Coppa. It's a memoir of her journey through pregnancy. I ordered it from Chapters and loved it. Christine was 26 and living the life of her dreams -- living in New York City, working at Glamour magazine, having fun with friends and dating a cute guy. Then suddenly she becomes pregnant unexpectedly, after just a few months of dating her new beau. Initially she's shocked and terrified. The baby's father seems enthusiastic and supportive in the beginning. Shortly thereafter however, he gets cold feet, has a change of heart and realizes he's not ready to be a father. He leaves her and even after the child is born, he opts not to be a part of their lives. Though she has to give up her lifestyle (living in NYC, pulling all nighters drinking with her friends) and move to the suburbs, she soon realizes that all the changes are worth it. Her baby boy, Jack Domenic is the best thing that ever happened to her. I found myself smiling and giggling at her humour, moved to tears by her warmth and honesty, inspired by her strength. Funny, poignant and engaging, her story proves how sometimes it's the unexpected detours in life that become the best things in your life. Though she was much younger than me I could relate to her situation. Getting pregnant was the biggest shock of my life, being abandoned by the baby's father was the next one, yet I know that it was all meant to be this way, that I am already a stronger, better person for it and that this baby will be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I do want to be prepared. I continue to get things ready for the baby. I just finished my last mermaid painting for the nursery. I had three large square canvases (a gift from the Hungarian god last year) and hadn't gotten around to painting. The baby inspired me to paint again. I had a vision of an ocean theme with mermaids and seahorses. I did a series of three canvases featuring mermaids with babies. I'm obsessed with the tropical/ocean theme. It's gradually taken over my entire house! Every room has some little touches. Turquoise walls and seahorse salt and pepper shakers in the kitchen, shells and fish and a tropical shower curtain in the bathroom. Tropical colours, plants and paintings in my bedroom. Even my backyard was transformed into a beach. I had always dreamed of living on an island. This was my way of bringing the island to me.

my bathroom



My bedroom. I painted an ocean view!



I'm always excited when I find new little ocean-themed items for the baby. Fish. Mermaids. Books and toys. I got a little book called "Mister Seahorse" by Eric Carle. It's a sweet little story. I had always been obsessed with seahorses but I never realized that with seahorses, it is actually the father that carries the babies! The female deposits the eggs into the male's pouch where he carries them for up to 45 days until the baby seahorses emerge fully developed. So the daddy gets to have a pregnant belly for a change! Once the babies are in the water however, apparently daddy's role is done and he takes off. The story makes it sound a little more cute and cuddly than that. It ends with Mr. Seahorse saying "I do love you, but now you are ready to be on your own." If only my baby's father had given us a goodbye like that.

It's a good thing that M didn't stick around because I'm sure he wouldn't have been too thrilled about his "office" being turned into the nursery. And God knows what kind of nursery theme he would have wanted. Skull and crossbones? Scorpions? He didn't share my love of bright, happy colours and cute things. I'm sure he's living in a dark dungeon of sorts somewhere with his swords and scorpions.

My Mom thinks I'm going overboard with the whole ocean theme. She can be critical sometimes. We were looking at crib bedding and she was pointing out how many other cute themes there are -- giraffes and elephants, monkeys, ladybugs, flowers. I just shook my head. It's my baby, my house, my choice! "What if the baby doesn't like fish?" she asked. I just rolled my eyes at her. Of course my baby is going to love tropical fish and seahorses and the ocean and mermaids. She'll love dolls and ballet and art and music. She's going to be a girlie girl like her Mama and we are going to live on a beach in a tropical paradise someday! So there!

So the nursery is just about done. I've finished reading all my pregnancy, birth and childcare books. I've done my homework but somehow I still don't feel prepared. As time goes by, I get increasingly nervous about labour, about caring for the baby. The reality starts to hit me. Months ago, I could think of it as something coming up on the horizon. It felt like I had so much time. Now July is sneaking up on me and I'm afraid. Am I ready? I had a dream that I was looking after a baby (in the dream it wasn't clear whether it was actually my baby or just some random baby I was looking after). There were no diapers and the baby just kept pooing. It just kept coming out. Little brown turds. Like a chocolate factory. I didn't know what to do. There wasn't even a garbage can or a toilet nearby. I had baby wipes but nothing else. I guess it represents my fear of being unprepared and feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'm afraid of the constant diaper changes. Or maybe it's because of all my own trips to the bathroom recently. Of course I do have a stash of diapers for the baby already. I'm prepared with an arsenal of supplies -- diapers, wipes, cream, baby wash, lotion.

It's no wonder I'm nervous. I always experienced anxiety/stage fright before any impending change or upcoming event. This is by far the biggest event of my life, the biggest change. This was a responsibility I never expected to be taking on. I didn't plan to have kids. Fear was the main reason. Fear of responsibility, fear or pain, fear of change, fear of a tiny human taking over my life and me not being able to handle it. Of course I am excited too. It's a rollercoaster. It's terrifying and you scream but it's exhilarating and you feel so alive. This baby is a blessing, a miracle and I am incredibly grateful. At the same time, yeah, I'm scared! I used to worry about getting up on stage. And that's nothing. The worst that can happen is you forget your words and become a little embarassed. This is too important. I can't mess this up. This is someone's life. And it's a lot of pressure to be doing it on my own. Finances are a stress. How will we manage? I try not to panic. I know God will take care of me. He has so far. I just have to take it one day at a time. Somehow things will work out. For a recovering control freak, fear of the unknown is huge. This is such a drastic shift for me. I've been living for me, for four decades. I had relationships but never got married. I was always afraid to be alone but ironically also feared commitment. This is the biggest commitment ever. This is for life. I'm living for someone else now. And will I be a good Mom? I have to be. I am excited. I love my baby already. I can't wait to meet her. It's just scary. I'm a creature of habit. Change is always difficult. Even when it's a change for the better.

I just need to relax and trust that everything will be OK. Control what you can. Let the rest go. Go with the flow. You learn as you go. I don't have to know everything. I don't have to be perfect. It's not like preparing for a play where you learn your lines or a gig where you have your setlist. Improv always stressed me out in drama class. I didn't like thinking on my feet. I wanted to know what was coming next. Wanted to be prepared. The truth is you can't plan life to the letter. Even when you try, the unexpected can happen. That's part of the magic of life. Sometimes it surprises you with something better than you could have planned. You don't know what each day will bring. That's what makes it such an adventure. Baby will be calling the shots. It isn't up to me. I will learn as I go.

Even on my worst day, even when it's tough physically, emotionally, mentally, baby, you are worth it! I know that this was meant to be and that my whole life, all the adventures I've lived through were all just to lead me to this, to you. You are the best part of my journey. I wrote this song for you -- "Baby you're worth it..."

I am so excited about the baby. I have visions of us together. Snuggling her as a baby, running on the beach with her when she's a bit older. Singing to her, dancing with her, laughing with her. Sometimes I am so overcome with joy that it brings tears to my eyes.

It is still a shock. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I am going to have a baby. I am going to fall in love with someone precious, innocent. I am going to open my heart so wide it feels like I may be torn in half. And it will be blissful, liberating, frightening. I am going to feel a bond like none I've ever felt, because this person is literally part of me. I am going to see the world through new eyes again, experience the magic and wonder of life anew. I am going to teach and learn so much. It is such a gift. And the bliss will be worth the stress. I am going to experience the greatest miracle this life has to offer -- creating life. I am going to be a mother!

It's a GIRL!!!!!!

It's official!!!

If you've been following my blog then you know that all along I've been counting on (and hoping for) a girl. The 19 week ultrasound that was SUPPOSED to confirm the gender was inconclusive. Baby wasn't cooperating and we couldn't get a proper look. The technician at the time said there was a 60-70% chance it was a girl but no way to be sure. I wanted to be 100% certain. There has been a 60-70% chance of thunderstorms just about every day for a week now and we barely got two drops of rain. Meanwhile, people kept giving me pink clothes (everyone I knew that had babies recently had girls so I have hundreds of pink sleepers). I had named her quite early on, in the first month, while her dad was still in the picture. I wanted a girl. It just HAD to be a girl. But I didn't know and I didn't want to wait until delivery to find out.

Now, at 32 weeks, I was going for another ultrasound. I was stressed. I was nervous that they wouldn't be able to tell, afraid that it would turn out to be a boy after all (yes of course I'd love my baby no matter what but I'm a girlie girl and I was looking forward to bonding with a girl. I'd been thinking girl all along, based on the chain test which always circled, my own sixth sense about it, the fact that everyone was giving me pink clothes, that I had already picked out a girl's name and didn't have any boy's names in mind etc.) Having a boy without a name and with 500 pink sleepers would have been a challenge. I would have a harder time relating to a boy. I don't like sports. I don't like their toys or their clothes. Plus I suppose there was part of me that was afraid the baby would be like his father. Hopefully she'll be a girl just like Mommy!

When I had called to book the ultrasound appointment, the lady on the phone was rather unpleasant. She seemed surprised that I was going for an ultrasound this late in the pregnancy and asked the reason. The doctor had put "spotting" on the form (I did have a spot, once. Everything seemed fine but the doctor thought it best to check it out. She actually wasn't even going to send me for an ultrasound except that I begged her to.) My reason of course was to tell the gender. When I told the woman on the phone that I really want to know if it's a girl she snapped at me "Well this is just going to be a brief appointment to make sure everything is OK because of the spotting. It will just be a few minutes, not like the last one. You probably won't be able to tell!"

Luckily the technician that I got doing the test was much more sympathetic.

I was lying there, staring at the beige walls and up at the ceiling, a drop ceiling, with white panels covered in squiggly patterns which looked like thousands of stretch marks, waiting for her to say something. I didn't want to interrupt and be a nuisance. Before she started, I had told her about my dilemma -- that this is my first, last and only child, that I really want a girl, that they couldn't tell at the 19 week ultrasound, that I need to know. I tried straining to look at the screen but couldn't tell anything from it. Just a black screen with blurry white images fading in and out. All of a sudden though, there was a wavy line and the heartbeat came over a speaker. I started to cry. Everytime I hear the baby's heartbeat it makes me cry. Such a beautiful sound. She passed me a paper towel to dry my eyes but then what she said next made me weep for joy even more:
"Well, you got your wish. It's a girl" she told me.
"Thank you!" I said through sobs, "Thank you so much!" I wanted to hug her but I was lying down, with my jeans pulled down and jelly on my belly so I thought I'd better not.

I was thrilled. So happy. So relieved. Over the moon.

"And the baby's OK? Everything's OK?" I asked.

"The baby's great. Everything is perfect."

She let me see the screen finally but I couldn't really make it out. I asked for a picture but the baby is so much bigger than last time that she couldn't fit on the screen. So the technician took a couple of snaps of her head and torso and pieced them together. You really can't make it out too well...

It helped when she pointed out to me on the screen "There's the baby's face, arms, legs, heart, spine..." When I try to decipher it on my own I'm not really sure what I'm seeing. I caught a glimpse of the baby's face though, her nose, her eyes. My little girl.  

The one thing the woman said she couldn't really see was my cervix. As long as the baby was OK that was all that mattered to me. She said I hadn't drank enough water so she wasn't able to get a good view of my cervix. She left the room to ask someone else for advice. I was trying not to drink too much because my bladder doesn't hold much these days and they said I'd only need a couple of glasses this time. She came back in and said that because I had had spotting (or one spot, just the once anyway) she had to check that my cervix was OK so she was going to reposition the ultrasound wand thingy down below. I had to slip out of my jeans and panties. It was a bit uncomfortable but at least she didn't have to insert something which would have been VERY unpleasant. Everything seemed fine.

Relieved, happy, on Cloud 9 over my little girl, I left the office beaming. I couldn't stop smiling. The tears were flowing as well. When I got to my Mom's place I was bawling by the time she opened the door.

"It's a boy?" she assumed when she saw me crying.

"No. It's a girl!" I hugged her, sobbing tears of joy.

I decided to celebrate by buying a dress for baby. I have so many sleepers but not a lot of dress up clothes. Now that I know for sure it's a girl, I might as well have fun with it and get something cute and frilly.

I found a little pink lace dress with a flower and a bow. Perfect. I'm hoping my daughter will be a girlie girl like her Mama. Though even I went through a tomboy stage when I was a pre-teen. There were a couple of years that I refused to wear dresses. I ran around chasing frogs & snakes with dirty hair and scabby knees. Even now of course there are two sides to me. I like to be casual and comfortable and feel at home in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. But I also love pretty things and I like dressing up now and then.

At one store that I went in the clerk asked me when I was due.

"July 23rd!" I announced proudly.

"Wow. Really? Could you possibly get any bigger?"

Gee, thanks! So apparently I'm a planet and look like I'm going to pop any day now! She did try to redeem herself by saying

"At least your face isn't pudgy. I got pudgy cheeks when I was pregnant." She also added that when she saw me from the back, she wouldn't have guessed I was pregnant at all. Then she turned the corner, caught a glimpse of my belly and was like "Whoa!"

My Mom had already told me that I was huge but then I've grown up with her and I'm used to her just speaking her mind. (She's also a Scorpio. They can sting!) I don't usually expect such brutal honesty from total strangers. I'm sure she didn't mean any harm.


32 week pregnant belly



Pre-baby & hopefully post-baby belly

I do hope that I will get my figure back after I have the baby. I am going to get back into yoga and working out.

One girl that I talked to recently (who has an 8 week old baby) said that she gained 50 lbs while she was pregnant and has lost most of it already. Breastfeeding burns off A LOT. So hopefully that goes well. She did say that you have to eat extra calories to make sure that you produce enough milk. It does take a lot out of you. She has also been walking a lot. And just carrying the baby around is a workout. I tried lifting her carseat with baby in it and it was like weightlifting! Meanwhile she'd been holding it for half an hour while we talked. Swinging it back and forth like it weighed nothing.

I hope I'm able to bounce back quickly. I can't find my copy of Jillian Michaels' "The 30 Day Shred." I'll have to hunt for it. I lost more than 15 lbs when I did it a couple of years ago. I'm hoping that a lot of it is just water weight/bloating anyway. Just having the baby you lose 10 lbs instantly right?  

I was fully prepared for a girl. The name. The clothes. The room. The nursery was designed with a girl in mind. Even though the walls are turquoise, which would work for either gender, my ocean theme was leaning toward the feminine side. I had three large square canvases I'd gotten as a gift last year (and never got around to painting) and decided to do a series of mermaids with babies. I finished a second mermaid painting and now just have to do my third. This one is a bit more whimsical than the first. I've always had a thing for mermaids and there is pretty much an ocean theme throughout my entire house. One day I would love to live by the ocean. I always loved the story of the Little Mermaid, movies about mermaids. As a child I wished I was one. Ironically I was never much of a swimmer!

Apparently there are people out there that are even more fanatical about mermaids than I am. Hannah the mermaid has a very realisitic tail and even makes a living performing as a mermaid. (See video below.) If I saw her in the ocean, I'd certainly think she was the real deal!

Maybe I can take my daughter to see her one day.

There are so many fun things I want to share with my little girl -- heading to the beach, shopping, playing with dolls (I hope she likes Barbie!) Dancing ballet (if she wants to. I won't force her of course. It was my dream as a child but I never got lessons.) There is so much beauty I want to show her. Even in my own backyard we can hang out on the beach, make sandcastles, pick flowers, watch butterflies. When I see beauty, I get excited. I feel like a kid again. To see those things with a child, to watch the wonder and excitement in their eyes, experiencing things for the first time, would make it that much more special.

It feels right that it's going to be just us girls, for a while at least. Just baby and me, and Ali (my female cat) makes three. No boys allowed! Of course there will still be boys in her life -- her cousins, her uncles, her grandpa. Maybe one day a nice man will come along and join our little family. He would have to be pretty special. It will be hard for me to trust someone again and with a new baby I certainly won't be dating for quite a while. But one day, who knows? If there is one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that you just don't know. Never say never.

I am just so happy about my baby girl. My beautiful little miracle. And in 8 weeks, I get to meet her!



Sugar and spice and everything nice...

I survived my glucose screening test! I was dreading it because (as I've mentioned before) I have a terrible phobia of needles/pain/blood to begin with and the thought of chugging back a sickening sugar drink then watching the clock for an hour, psyching myself out before the needle, didn't sound too appealing. Surprisingly, for the first time in my life, I DIDN'T FAINT when I got the needle! I'm not sure why this time was different. Maybe the baby made me stronger (she was nudging me a little during the test as if to say "It's OK, Mom!") Maybe being loaded with sugar helped. I think I actually have low blood sugar (I have low blood pressure) which contributes to fainting spells. After losing blood, I tend to feel weak, lightheaded. Or maybe it was because rather than resisting a fainting spell, this time I was fully EXPECTING it. I was surrendered to it, prepared for it. If "what you resist persists" (Carl Jung) then I guess what you surrender to retreats. I was prepared for the worst so it didn't wind up being so bad. They gave me the glucose drink which I had five minutes to consume, in the waiting room in front of an audience. A couple of the ladies were smiling at me knowingly, either because they had been through it themselves while they were pregnant or they were just enjoying watching someone else's discomfort. I made a bit of a face after the first sip but got used to it after a few gulps. It wasn't really THAT bad. It was orange flavoured. It had a C-plus/Tang/Gatorade feel to it -- none of which I like but which are tolerable. It was a bit sugary but I have a sweet tooth (Coca-cola is my weakness) so I could take it! I had the foresight to bring a magazine (which was good because they had nothing interesting in the waiting room) to occupy me for the hour while I waited for the sugar to go through my system. I read how Jessica Simpson was so petrified of the pain of labour (particularly after seeing her sister suffer through a 30 hour labour) that she wound up requesting a C-section for her delivery. It was the kind of magazine whose headlines are often suspect (or dead wrong) so I took the story (and the rest of the magazine) with a grain of salt but it was entertaining and did manage to pass the time. Before I knew it, I was on the last page and it was 5 minutes to bloodletting time.

"Ann Marie -- Room Number Two."
"Am I allowed to go to the washroom?" I asked sheepishly.
"Yes."

It was a relief because after an hour, I needed to go. I was also kind of hoping I'd eliminate all the sugar from my body and pass the test with flying colours so I wouldn't have to take the subsequent three hour test they subject you to if you fail the first. That one would be worse because you even have to fast beforehand. I think I'll be fine. If anything I believe I have low, not high, blood sugar. I've always had low blood pressure. Of course they have to test you to be sure you don't have gestational diabetes. I did try to cram for the test. I altered my diet, limited my sugar the day before the test so there wouldn't be a surplus in my system. I had extra vegetables rather than fruit, plain chicken and spinach for dinner. I drank milk and water rather than any juice. I didn't even have OJ in the morning as I usually do. (I was actually surprised by the sugar content in juice. You think that juice is healthy but fruit has its own natural sugar and in juice form it's even higher. I may start watering it down a little.)

I had plain oatmeal au natural (without sugar. It tasted like sludge. It reminded me of the line from "Goodnight Moon" -- "and a bowl full of mush." Quite different from the super yummy flavoured Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal. Mmmm. Mind you it's only 14 grams of sugar which isn't the end of the world.) I don't know if that's considered cheating. To me it was sort of like cramming for the dentist. I don't floss for a year and then the day of my appointment I brush my teeth four times and floss the heck out of my teeth and gums. They end up bleeding a little. I'm not a fan of going to the dentist either. I am honest when they ask though: "Have you been flossing?" "Truthfully no. Just today..."

So I get to Room Two and I warn the girl that I am a fainter. She kindly led me to another room where I could lay down instead of sitting up for the needle, which is helpful. She was very understanding and comforting. She said that a lot of people are squeamish of needles and feel a bit sick. I told her I was embarassed that I was such a wimp and that I didn't know how I'd ever survive labour.
"You'll do fine," she encouraged. "Is this your first child then?"
"First, last and only! Unexpected miracle baby. I'm 42. I actually thought I was going through early menopause. Didn't think I could be pregnant."
"Congratulations! That's awesome. Wow you don't look 42. I would have guessed you were much younger!" So that was nice to hear. The needle didn't hurt that much. I tried to relax. I breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth. The baby moving was a bit of a distraction. When it was over and she put the cotton ball and bandage on me, I waited for the familiar aftermath -- perspiring, vision going spotty etc -- but this time it didn't happen. I didn't faint! Woo hoo! Maybe I am getting stronger...

The nurse asked me if I knew what I was having. I was tempted to say "A baby!"

"A girl, I'm hoping." I explained, "but they could only be 70% sure at the ultrasound..." That was the 19 week ultrasound that was supposed to determine the sex definitively, but baby wasn't cooperating. My doctor wasn't going to send me for another ultrasound because the baby appeared healthy and she had no concerns. When I pouted she said "I guess I could send you for another at 32 weeks." That sounded so far away but now it's just another 4 weeks away. I'll remind the doctor to give me a requisition at my next appointment. I do want to know for sure. BEFORE the delivery.  At my last doctor appointment the doctor referred to the baby as "she." Everyone just seems to be operating under the assumption that it's a girl. Myself included. It just has to be a girl!

Mini beachwear! Can you stand it?



Little dresses are so cute!

 
I already have pink clothes. Most of the donations and gifts I've gotten so far have been pink. And I couldn't resist picking up a couple of little girlie outfits myself. Tiny little dresses. Even a miniscule bathing suit and sunglasses. Yes this baby HAS to be a girl! I'm a girlie girl. I couldn't relate to a boy. I don't like sports. Their clothes are boring. Their toys are boring. And frankly, after what I've been through (having my heart broken by a series of boys, most recently and dramatically by the baby's father) the male gender is not my favourite right now. It would be tough. Of course I would love my baby no matter what. I have loved boys. My nephews and the sons of single dads that I had dated in the past. I know that boys can be fun and sweet and an adventure. Girls can be higher maintenance, more demanding than boys. But I've been thinking girl all along. I'm counting on a girl. Sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm really not prepared for snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

Some people asked didn't I want to be surprised and why did it matter? Easy for them to say when they're married and have a boy and a girl. This is my one and only child and will be my life companion. Of course it matters and of course I want to know! Why would I want to be surprised? I'm a control freak! And I think I've had more than my share of surprises already! (Becoming pregnant at all was a shock and then being abandoned by the baby's father was another. No more surprises please!) Yes of course I would still love a baby boy but I would need to be PREPARED. I would have to rethink a lot of things. I'd have to come up with a name for one. I'm set on Michelle now for a girl (it was a play on her father's name which doesn't bother me, it was also my best friend's name when I was a kid. But if it's a boy I'm sure as heck not naming him Mike!!! Though I have known some wonderful Mikes -- my brother included -- I couldn't name my son after his deadbeat dad. No way.) I would need some boy clothes. Some people suggested it doesn't really matter for the sleepers because the baby wouldn't know the difference and no one would have to see them but I'd feel guilty putting a boy in pink. I couldn't do it. My Mom tried to tell me that between spitting up and messy diapers that I'd be going through six sleepers a day. I think she's exaggerating. If it's a girl, she's covered from 0-3 months. If it's a boy, I'm screwed.

I knew a woman who wanted a little girl so badly and had a boy instead. She and her hubby tried again, thinking the next child was bound to be a girl. By the end of it, she had four boys and never did get her girl. Of course she adored her sons and spoiled them rotten, but it was heartbreaking to never get the little girl she had dreamed about. I'm only having one and I'm hoping she'll be a girl, a girlie girl like her Mama. I'm really hoping the baby will not take after her dad. Or if she does that she'll get his few good qualities and skip his many tragic flaws. Of course our child could very well inherit traits from both parents but I believe people are products of nature and nurture. You are born with certain traits but the way that you are raised helps to shape the person you become. My ex had a tragic life and it damaged him beyond repair. No matter what my child will be raised with a lot of nurturing and love that was absent from my ex's formative years. I will do everything in my power to raise a happy, healthy, strong, well-adjusted child. Everything that he wasn't. I think that a mother's love is the most important foundation any of us can have. Mike missed out on that (his mother thrown in jail when he was one) and it scarred him for life.

Though not scientific, we did our own testing very early in the pregnancy to determine that it was a girl -- the "ring test" (where someone holds an object on a chain over your belly. You hold it still and let the energy of your body direct the object. If it circles, it's a girl. If it swings back and forth, it's a boy) and it circled for a girl. Each time we tried it, it circled. Yes it sounds like silly superstition but I believe there's something to it and my sister said it correctly predicted each of her children -- boy, girl, boy. (Then again it might be coincidence and the odds are 50-50.) I felt in my heart all along that my baby was a girl. I already named her and even her father, when he was still in the picture, was calling her "Michelle." The ultrasound technician did say 70%. Those are pretty good odds. Better than 50-50 anyway.


Me with my niece Shannon as a baby



Aside from a brief stint as a tomboy in my younger days (where I refused to wear dresses and ran around with scabby knees chasing frogs and snakes) I was always a girlie girl. I hated sports (with the exception of track and field where I seemed to excel. I was a very fast runner and could win any race. I liked to pretend I was the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman. I was also good at high jumps, long jumps. I won the award of excellence in "Canada Fitness." It was organized sports that I couldn't do. I couldn't throw, catch or hit a ball to save my life. I hated gym class. I was always the last one picked for the team.) I loved Barbie. I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Beautiful, glamorous and powerful. I'm hoping for a girl that will love to dress up, dance ballet, sing, love art, writing, acting. I always wanted piano lessons and ballet lessons but my parents couldn't afford it. I'd love the chance to put my daughter through ballet. Is there anything cuter than a pink tutu?! Of course I wouldn't force her into anything she didn't want but if the interest is there I will certainly encourage and support her every way I can.


Shannon & me on the beach last Summer



My niece, Shannon is a beautiful girlie girl. With a pink and purple princess room. She likes wearing dresses. She won't even wear jeans. She's a lot like me -- she loves cats, she's an artist (quite a talented painter!) and a writer (clever, creative and imaginative, she's already written and illustrated several of her own little books. One is about a group of cats making a trip to a tropical island.)

I imagine having my own little girl. Playing with dolls. Having tea parties. Going shopping. Dressing up. Confiding in each other. Giggling. Hanging out at the beach together. I'd love to live on a beach someday. It's still my dream. I'm hoping my girl will love the water. I'm hoping she'll love Barbie. That's one thing Shannon never got into. Girls today don't seem to have the same affinity for Barbie that they did in my generation. Shannon had no interest at all. Everything had to be cats. I loved Barbie when I was younger. I would role play with her. She was a rock star, a spy, a superheroine, all the things that I wanted to be.


"Madame du Barbie" by Bob Mackie

Decades ago I discovered collectible Barbies and got into the hobby (back when I lived with my parents and had a disposable income.) I was even in a Barbie club with a bunch of gay men. It was a hoot. We went to conventions and on road trips. We had monthly meetings. A lot of the guys in the club were designers and on one occasion even dressed me up as a living Barbie! I don't collect them anymore but I have my collection in glass display cabinets. Barbie used to have her own room (the guest room) but was relegated to the basement when Mike moved in. It's just as well because now that room is available for the nursery. My little girl will inherit my collection. I won't let her play with the designer ones until she's old enough not to destroy them! The Bob Mackies are my favourites. When people asked me why I collected them I realized that it was a combination of things -- partly nostalgia for my childhood and partly wanting to live vicariously through Barbie. I will probably never have an opportunity to wear a Bob Mackie gown. But Barbie does. "We girls can do anything, right Barbie?"

I may be biased but I just think that girls are superior to boys. From what I've seen they are smarter, they learn faster, they communicate better. They are more fun. They are more sensitive. As babies they seem to develop much faster. They're easier to toilet train. They walk, talk and do everything sooner than boys do (at least from the majority of families I've seen.) Of course I know it's not all sugar and spice. Girls can be moodier, more demanding, more high maintenance, more complex. And little girls grow up to be teenagers and that can be scary! I'm sure I will be an overprotective Mom. I wouldn't want her to date until she's 30! And I would try to keep her away from the sort of characters that I often ended up with! In fairness, most of my long term boyfriends were basically good guys, just wrong for me. But some of the ones I fell for (including and ESPECIALLY my baby's father) -- Hoo boy! I may not have been very cautious about my own well-being but I'm not letting some monster get his mitts on my little angel! At the same time I don't want to be so controlling and restrictive (shades of my own mother) that it makes her want to rebel. It's a delicate balance, parenting. You want to give them enough discipline and structure to show them that you care and want to protect them. At the same time you have to allow them enough independence and show them enough trust that they can be their own person. My Mom never wanted us to be independent. She didn't want us to leave the nest. She almost got her wish with me! If you missed my previous post, I didn't actually move out of my parents' place until I was 36! I kept thinking I'd leave when I got married but then I never got married. I finally bought a house on a dare and here I am a few years later, a single Mom. So I got the house and the child, I just skipped the whole husband part. What can I say? Mr. Right never showed up. Maybe he will someday. Maybe I've done everything a little bit backwards but it's OK. I know a lot of people who did the whole natural progression from marriage to house to baby and it didn't pan out so well. Then they find themselves later in life, divorced and having to start all over. If I ever get married (and that's a huge IF at this point!) it will be for good. I wouldn't go into it if I wasn't 100% sure. There's too much at stake. I'm not dating for at least a year and even after that I would be very careful who I would let into my life. My child is my number one priority.

The bond between girls is so strong. Of course I love my father and my brothers but I'm so much closer to my Mom and my sister. They're my heart, my home, the ones who know me best and that I'm closest to. Even though my Mom drives me crazy sometimes, I can't imagine life without her. I talk to her every day. My sister is my best friend. I trust her implicitly. She's always been there for me. We have so much in common. I feel so comfortable with her. And she makes me laugh like no one else. My father was quiet and distant. It was my Mom that did the lion's share of the parenting. Dad just sort of had a background role. My brothers come to visit occasionally but not very often. Usually just on special occasions. Overall, I feel like women are closer. They are the glue that holds a family together. Women confide in each other at a level that men don't seem capable of. Men don't seem to have the same capacity for caring, tenderness, closeness. To me, having a little girl means having a lifelong companion and friend. I don't know that it's the same with boys. There is a saying -- "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife. A daughter's a daughter all of her life" and I definitely think there's something to it. I think the relationship between mothers and daughters is so much deeper.  My Mom, sister and I get together all the time. Girls are more sensitive, sentimental, thoughtful. More loving. More open. At least from what I've seen. (I'm generalizing here! I know there are some exceptions to every rule!)

"Mermaid Mother and Baby" by AMP



My little tropical backyard

Time is flying and there's still so much I want to do before the baby comes. I can't believe I'm in my third trimester, the home stretch. We're already into May and July is coming up so fast! The nursery is painted now but I still need to get the furniture from my sister (her hubby is going to bring it in his truck.) As part of the ocean theme I'm going for in the nursery (with walls painted turquoise already) I'm doing a series of mermaid paintings. This is one I've finished so far. I've always loved mermaids and I'm obsessed with the ocean. I'm not giving up on my dream of living on the beach someday. I'm hoping my daughter will love the beach as much as I do.



For now I have a backyard beach consisting of a palm tree, a sandy beach with lounge chairs, a flagstone patio and hardy tropical plants. I got the idea a couple of years ago after a trip to the Dominican. I wanted to recreate my own little tropical paradise here at home (though being in Canada, winter kind of puts a damper on the whole thing!) I always loved the feeling of sand in my toes. My nieces and nephews (as well as boyfriends' children) have played here in past Summers but I never imagined that one day I'd have my own child to build sandcastles with in my backyard.



A friend of mine when I told her that I was pregnant said that even before finding out she'd had a vision of me with a baby, but at the time she didn't know what it meant. She never imagined I'd be pregnant. (Anyone that knew me knew that I didn't plan to have children.) My friend is a little clairvoyant. She has had visions before that have come true. For example she kept seeing this log cabin in her mind and then one day saw it in real life, just as she had pictured. It turned out that it was part of her family history that she didn't know about. Even before hearing my news, she had a vision of me at the beach, in a bikini (hopefully I can get back into bikinis after the baby!) kneeling at the water's edge and holding a little girl up in the air. She had a little bathing suit and a sun hat on and she was laughing as I lifted her over my head. I have visions of walking on the beach, splashing in the water, playing in the sand. I can see us sleeping in a hammock. Having breakfast on the deck watching the sunrise. Yes I'm not giving up on my dream of living at the beach. But now there's a little girl there with me. And maybe someday a nice man to join us too. Until then we still have a sandy beach and tropical garden in the yard. We are surrounded by images of the ocean, palm trees, mermaids and fish. We have a bit of paradise here at home.

My life and my dreams are changing. The baby is my focus now. I won't stop being me. I will always try to make time for creativity -- writing, singing, painting etc and I'm hoping it's something I will be able to share with my child as she gets older.  But my baby will be my world. Especially in the beginning when she'll be dependent on me for everything. There is so much to share with her, to teach her. And I will no doubt learn from her. It will be good for me. It will help me appreciate the beauty and the magic of the simple things in life, seeing them again through her eyes. I want to be a good Mom, a Guardian Angel, a teacher, a friend and companion. I want to support and encourage her. To give her everything she could want. To make all her dreams come true, whatever they may be. And I will be there for her through anything.

This is the latest lullabye I've written for my baby -- "Right by your side." I already feel the bond between us and I know that I will always be there for her, for the rest of my life. Right by her side, supporting and loving her every step of the way.