A Taxing Time

Michelle is sleeping better. I however, am not. My brain won't shut down. At night I lay there making to do lists and worry lists in my mind -- some things are relatively easy to resolve and I can go through and check them off one by one, other things are still up in the air, confusing and almost impossible to resolve and just send me spinning. In the morning sometimes I wake up super early and can't get back to sleep. I watch Michelle lying peacefully next to me. I start to understand what they mean by "sleeping like a baby" -- when a baby does actually sleep (which is new for her and yes I am grateful!) she looks like a little angel. It is a sound sleep, a slumber of innocence, the kind of sleep you only get to have when you're a baby and you don't know enough about the world yet and you don't have enough responsibility yet to keep you up worrying! These days when I wake up it's very hard to get back to sleep because my mind starts spinning through unanswerable questions, thoughts of past, present and future. I wrote a song once called "Think Too Much." The chorus goes "Some people drink too much. Me, I just think too much." I was an insomniac even before I had a baby so now that I'm a single Mom and have a hundred times more things to think/worry about, it's even harder to catch some zzzs.

I've been so stressed that sometimes I get a pain in my chest and a splitting headache that feels like my brain might implode. I've been absent-minded and forgetting things -- like forgetting to bring things with me when I go out, or leaving things behind when I go somewhere to visit. One night I put the garbage out on the completely wrong day (the week before that I had missed garbage day entirely.) Sometimes it really feels like I'm losing it. I hope I didn't hit my head too hard the other day. I was rushing to bring the groceries in from the car, back and forth with one armful after another. I was moving as quickly as possible because Michelle was waiting inside the house in her carseat screaming (one of the reasons online shopping is so much easier. When I do try to venture out shopping it means listening to her scream, if not while shopping then at the checkout, or in the car, or when we get home and I try to bring everything in.) Suddenly I slipped on the ice and banged my head on the brick wall of the garage. My ear was bleeding a little. At least I didn't have a concussion. When I told my Mom she was having a fit, as if it was my fault. "What if you were knocked unconscious and the baby was alone inside the house!" I said that hopefully eventually a neighbour would find my car doors wide open a curious sight, would see my body lying on the driveway, would check my front door which was unlocked and see Michelle in her carseat. Sometimes it is scary to be alone and trying to do everything on my own. Some days I do feel isolated. I wish I lived closer to my Mom and my sister. My neighbour has been kind enough to shovel my driveway for me which is very sweet and a huge help because I'd never be able to leave Michelle long enough to do it. She barely gives me three minutes to run in and out with groceries.

I try to relax. I sing Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" and Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy" and try to take deep cleansing breaths but lately it seems like there is just one thing after another to stress me out. I had an argument with a credit card company who said they weren't paid when I did pay them and had the confirmation number from my bank to prove it (it turned out it was a bank error -- they corrected it and apologized to me but it still doesn't undo the fact that I had a rather unpleasant conversation with two people at the credit card company because I thought it was their mistake.) Ever since Michelle's episode (if you missed my previous post she had a violent and terrifying bout of vomiting that could have been a scene from The Exorcist) I've been nervous about feeding her. I'm so afraid of feeding her too much that I've been denying her when she keeps asking for more and then I worry that I'm feeding her too little.

Money is probably the biggest stress. Trying to survive on a tight budget and not knowing how to make ends meet. I keep hoping I win the lottery. They say that money can't buy happiness but it certainly would make things easiser. I heard a quote "Your child needs your presence more than presents." I may not be able to buy lots of things for Michelle (thankfully she has most of the things she needs, a lot of which were donations and gifts from friends and family) but at least I get to be with her. As difficult as it is financially I feel that staying home with Michelle is the right thing to do. I know some women who returned to work after six months (or sooner) because they couldn't afford to stay on maternity leave and they had HUSBANDS earning an income too. Going it alone is really tough but there's no way I could have left her and missed out on the rest of her first year.

Tax time is always a little stressful. This year I didn't know what to expect. I always find it daunting filling out my taxes. Usually I look at the previous year's and copy it but since my life situation has completely changed I had to study the form carefully line by line. My sister had told me about the Amount for an Eligible Dependant (it apparently used to be called Equivalent to Spouse) which I could claim for Michelle. I was hoping it would make a big difference and I would get a big refund but then I started to worry that maybe I hadn't paid enough tax since they don't charge you much tax while on maternity leave and it would get added onto my pre-pregnant income. I was anxious to do my taxes and get it over with but I was still waiting for two T4 forms -- one for my maternity leave and one for the Canada Child Tax Benefit. I checked the mail again and there was still no sign of them. The CCTB I found out is not taxable and so no T4 is issued. I decided to check my Service Canada account online to see what was going on with my T4E. Maybe it had been lost in the mail. I hadn't logged into my account since July when I was still pregnant, before my maternity benefits had started. The site changed how you log in since then and my access key no longer worked. I finally figured it out and got to my page only to discover that my T4E wasn't mailed because I had opted not to have it mailed but to just view it online! When had I done that?! I must not have realized it. I was pretty distracted while I was pregnant. Anyway all this time I'd been waiting for forms that either didn't exist or were never going to come in the mail anyway.

So finally, with all my paperwork ready, I began to do my taxes. At least Michelle was sleeping peacefully which was an enormous relief. I was afraid I wouldn't even have time to work on it. It wasn't quite as difficult as I'd anticipated. I just went line by line and filled out the appropriate schedules. It was disheartening to fill out schedules thinking they were going to make a big difference and they would only make a small one or none at all. One phrase I really hate is "If negative, enter "0." Sometimes I would fill out an entire form and do all the calculations only to find that it made no difference. At least when I was done I ended up with a refund, not quite as much as I was hoping for but every bit helps. I'm grateful to get a refund at all rather than owe at least. It's a relief to be done anyway. Now I just have to write out my good copy and mail it in. I think the government is trying to save money any way they can -- not only did they not mail out the tax forms this year (I had to hunt the city to even find a store with a post office to pick one up) but they didn't even include envelopes in the package.

Physically, emotionally and financially I'm feeling more stressed than I ever have in my life. It's like I'm stretched to the limit. The things that I used to do to reduce stress -- long bubble baths, doing yoga, painting, playing guitar and singing, watching movies etc -- I haven't been able to do in a long time, since the baby. Now that she's sleeping better maybe I'll try to take some "me" time in the evening to de-stress while she's sleeping. Usually though when she does sleep I'm running around trying to get things like housework done. This blog is one of the few "me time" things I get to do but I usually just write a bit and leave it and then add more later when I can until it's done. I miss doing yoga. I really should do it again. Physically and spiritually it just makes me feel stronger, more grounded and more balanced. I'm feeling unbalanced these days! The trouble is I'm a creature of habit and find it hard to get back into something after I get out of the habit of doing it. For a while I was trying to do the 30 Day Shred but gave up when Michelle kept waking up during it and I never got to finish it. I lost a couple of pounds while doing it. Ironically I've lost more weight since I stopped and haven't really had any sort of a workout aside from carrying Michelle. I've also been eating a little healthier and eating a bit less. I've lost 10 lbs so far and still have another 10 to go. The Mommy tummy is a little smaller. I guess the expression "tighten your belt" works two ways -- you have less money so you eat less and lose weight.

They say that laughter is the best medicine and it's true. It is the greatest stress relief too. Visiting with my sister she had me laughing my head off, like I haven't in a long time. No one makes me laugh like she does. We have the same strange sense of humour. Michelle makes me laugh too. She's becoming a bit of a comedian. She enjoys knocking my glasses off and laughing or putting her foot in my face when I'm changing her. I make an exasperated expression each time and that makes her laugh even more. She's laughing a lot more now. I remember hearing many years ago that children laugh hundreds of times a day while most adults only laugh a few times a day, if that. I guess it's like the sleeping -- it's easier for children who are free and innocent. A light heart laughs easily. When you're burdened with anxieties and responsibilities sometimes it's hard to lighten up. Then Michelle reminds me not to take myself so seriously.
  
Though I do have bad days and moments when I feel overwhelmed, most of the time I am happy and grateful. Seeing Michelle's smiling face makes me smile. Hearing her little squeals of delight lightens my heart. As long as she is happy, it's OK if I'm having a hard time. Sometimes when it feels like I'm going to fall apart, Michelle keeps me strong because I have to be, for her. I try not to worry. As many people have told me worrying never solves anything. It doesn't stop bad things from happening and it only ruins the moment you're in, which could be a happy one. I have to have faith that everything will be OK, even though I don't always know how. At least my taxes are done. One less thing to worry about.

Dollars and $ense

I discovered two fascinating reality shows while flipping channels recently -- "Extreme Couponing" and "Extreme Cheapskates." The couponing show was unbelievable. These OCD and usually quite bubbly couponers would go into a store and purchase a motherlode of items worth $1000 for about $5 after coupons, sometimes even for free, and in some cases the stores even paid THEM! I guess retailers are different in the U.S. that they allow this activity. Stores here in Canada wouldn't have it. They impose limits on how many sale items you can buy and how many coupons you can use. The stores on these shows allow you to use hundreds of coupons and even double your coupons so that in many cases the items wind up being free. So these savvy shoppers wind up with a massive stockpile of items (that looks like a store in itself) that they've paid next to nothing for. It's amazing that they're able to provide for their families that way. In some cases they even donate items to charity. Of course it takes a huge commitment of time to research, organize and cut the thousands of coupons. It's almost a full time job in itself. And the big shopping haul excursions usually take several hours to complete. I don't think I'd ever have the patience. As much as I admire their resourcefulness, I can't imagine shopping with someone like that. I remember it used to embarass me as a kid when my Mom just used a few coupons. Now I find myself using them. Every bit helps.

The "Extreme Cheapskates" show was much more bizarre. It was amazing the lengths that some people would go to to save money. One man was eating other people's leftovers in a restaurant! His wife was understandably mortified. One woman was dumpster diving for dinner. (Note to her friends -- DON'T go to her place for dinner!) One woman was creating her own reuseable toilet paper (!) out of cut up t-shirts that would be placed in a basket by the toilet and washed later! Disgusting. Another woman was peeing in a jar to save on the water bill and she had all her utilities calculated on a spreadsheet so that she knew down to the penny how much she was using. Being a germophobe, none of those money-saving ideas sounded very appealing to me!

There were other cheapskates who tried to negotiate a lower price on everything they bought, or tried to barter for items they needed instead of paying for them. Though most of them seemed eccentric at best and insane at worst, some of them were clever and inventive. One couple had chosen to live modestly and were able to retire early as a result. They only purchased what they needed and were masters of reducing, reusing and recycling. They had a ritual which they called a "fiscal fast" every so often where they would go a week without spending any money whatsoever. They wouldn't buy groceries, they just used up whatever they had on hand already in their cupboards, freezer etc.

I've actually gone on "fiscal fasts" since having Michelle. Days where I didn't spend a dime because I didn't go anywhere. There were times I couldn't get out shopping with her anyway and saving money on groceries was a big help so I just used up things at the back of the cupboard (cans of soup etc) and in the freezer (bags of veggies I'd forgotten about etc). Not going out also meant saving money on gas. While I was working I tended to spend a lot of money on fast food as well. Now even when I'm craving it, Michelle usually won't let me hit the drive-thru windows! She has simplified my life in many ways that end up saving me money. I can't get out shopping recreationally. I don't eat in restaurants or go to the movies. Of course she can be expensive when it comes to diapers and wipes but I always look for sales and use coupons for them. Breastfeeding, aside from being the healthiest choice for the baby, is also a blessing financially because it's free milk to feed the baby for six months. Saving that money on formula is a big help.

I don't shop for clothes for myself anymore. I make do with what I have, even though my pre-pregnancy clothes are a bit too small and my maternity clothes a little too big. If I get a hole in a sweater, I sew it rather than throwing it out. When you're on a tight budget you can't afford to be wasteful. I save money on makeup now because I don't often get to wear it. There isn't usually time. I stopped wearing foundation altogether because I couldn't be bothered. If I have to go out I try to throw on a bit of eyeliner so I look somewhat human at least. I wear my hair in a ponytail 99% of the time because Michelle pulls it if I have it hanging down. I never did anything fancy with my hair anyway, even before the baby. I never went to a hairdresser. I just got my Mom to trim it. Or sometimes I just trimmed it myself.

I buy things for Michelle but I always look for sales and shop in bargain stores. I was very fortunate to get a lot of gifts and donations from friends and family which saved me buying a lot of things including clothes and large items (all the nursery furniture etc.) 

When it comes to groceries I have become more careful. I try to limit myself to the staples, just the necessities. I shop at the cheapest stores and wait for sales. I stock up when an item is on sale. I also try to stretch things out a little more. I re-use paper towels (if I just used it to dry my clean hands, I fold it and leave it on the counter to use to wipe up spills, clean the counter etc. I know some people just use towels and dish cloths in the kitchen but those seem unsanitary to me.) I water down orange juice so it lasts twice as long (and has half the calories.) I don't buy bottled water. Tap water is free and I just use a Brita filter. I water down shampoo to stretch it out if it's getting low. I don't take daily showers anymore either (Michelle doesn't let me) so I'm saving money on body wash, shampoo and water. I'm always too hot so I save money on my heating bill as well not turning the thermostat up. I always do my laundry and dishes during off-peak hours to save money on hydro and I never leave lights on. I sometimes use a flashlight (and it's a wind-up one that doesn't take batteries) rather than turn the lights back on if I have to go back down for something after I've gone to bed. It's funny. Things I used to find annoying and silly about my Mom I now find myself doing!

My Mom was a penny pincher. She always shopped in bargain stores, clipped coupons, never bought anything unless it was on sale. She stayed home with the kids and somehow we managed, all six of us, on my Dad's modest income. We never took a vacation. My parents never even ate in restaurants or went to the movies. We never had name brand anything. It was frustrating when we'd ask for things that other kids had. The answer was always "No." Back then I didn't understand or appreciate how tight things were and why Mom was so careful with money. I swore I would never be like that. It used to embarass me going shopping with her and she'd be pulling out all these coupons. Now I find myself using coupons. I try to buy only things that are on sale. As much as we try to avoid it, sometimes we do become our parents! These days I have no choice but to be frugal. On maternity leave there is just barely enough to cover the mortgage and bills. I am grateful to have the option of a year off work to spend with my child. I know that this wasn't always an option. Mothers used to only get a couple of months, if that. I think this time with my baby is so important that I just can't miss it but financially it is difficult.

I used to be somewhat of a shopoholic, though a bargain hunter like my Mom. These days it's not an option for a couple of reasons. I have to try to limit myself to necessities while things are so tight. Groceries and things for Michelle. And secondly even if I wanted to shop, Michelle doesn't let me anyway! I can't spend more than 15 minutes in a store without her having a meltdown so it's just not worth it.

It's amazing how little you can live on if you have no choice. The mistake most people make is living way above their means. It's a consumer society and everyone buys into it. Everyone wants to have more stuff, new stuff, the latest stuff. I don't have the latest toys and gadgets (I never had an iPod or iPad or tablet or whatever they are). I never had a video game system (Wii or whatever). I still don't even have a cellphone. Sure there have been times I wished I had one for emergencies. But I couldn't justify the money going out every month for something that I really don't need. Unless you're a Hollywood actor or a real estate agent I don't think you need to have people reach you at every second of the day (in line at Walmart, while you're driving etc.) I can always get to a phone if need be. I may be the last person in North America over the age of 12 who DOESN'T have a cellphone but I'm standing my ground. I'm old-fashioned. Whenever I tell someone I don't have a cell they look at me like I'm from outer space. To me, it's a waste. I make and answer my calls at home. If I'm not home, they can leave me voicemail. With the baby especially I'm home more often than not! Besides, I think people get addicted to their cellphones, become slaves to them and then they're never free again. I've seen them texting on it, checking it constantly, pressing the little buttons like zombies. Even couples having lunch together, ignoring each other while they click away on their little devices. It's sad to me! The human being sitting across from you should be more important than the one that isn't there.

I don't pay for fancy TV channels. I just have the basic cable package. I had switched to Rogers years ago when they offered me 6 months free service. I couldn't argue with free! Bell couldn't compete with that. They gave me all top of the line services for phone, internet and cable, including all the channels and PVR which was really cool. Once it stopped being free however I gave up the PVR and downgraded to basic service. Of course there was a catch. I had to sign up for a long contract (I can't even remember if it was 2 or 3 years) but it was OK. After the free ride was over, it still wound up being about the same as I paid to Bell and that 6 month break in payments was a godsend.

We live in a society of spendthrifts. Most people live above their means to some degree, buying things they don't need and can't afford. I knew a couple who furnished their entire house at the "Don't pay a cent event." Those sales get people into so much trouble. If you don't have the money to pay in full once it's due in a year or two, you pay back interest retroactively from when you bought the items. Credit is a trap that most people fall into. It's just so tempting. People want everything now, even if they can't afford it and they wind up buried under a pile of debt that they can never get out of. Cheapskates, on the other hand, especially the ones on those shows, live below their means, carrying frugality to insane extremes. In the long run I don't think some of them will be saving at all because they'll wind up sick with e-coli or something after their dumpster dinners and run up a big hospital bill, considering the U.S. doesn't have free health care. Unlike spendthrifts who want everything now, cheapskates deny themselves things now in order to save for later. But quality of life has to count for something. If you're skimping too much your wallet may be healthy and you may not be. You can't take it with you. I wouldn't want to be a cheapskate or a spendthrift. I'd like to think I fall somewhere in between.

I think the best thing to do is to live within your means. Don't spend more than you can afford and if your situation changes, adjust and cut back accordingly. We live in a consumer society and it can be hard to scale back and realize the difference between "wants" and  "needs." You don't need to have expensive gadgets just because everyone else does. As children we worry about having what all the other kids have (I got picked on for wearing clothes that weren't popular name brands) but most of us carry that mentality into adulthood. They call it "Keeping up with the Jones'." I've always moved to the beat of my own drummer anyway. I never worried about having what everyone else had just because it's cool. I don't have the latest toys. In a digital world, I'm an analog girl. So many people go into debt trying to have everything they want, even though they can't afford it. You have to practice restraint to keep yourself from spending more than you can actually pay off.

Since having the baby, I'm having to stretch my dollars a lot further but I don't mind. In many ways, it simplifies my life. It's worth the sacrifices I have to make. I will do whatever it takes to have this time to spend with Michelle. Sometimes I stress out about money. I wonder how I'll make ends meet. It is a struggle as a single Mom, figuring out how to manage but somehow you do it. You adapt and do your best. Of course I still keep hoping I win the lottery. They say money can't buy happiness but it buys freedom and that's close enough for me! To have enough money to never have to worry about money again would be amazing. To be able to travel, to live wherever you want, to have time to spend with family and never have to worry about working...It's a nice dream. Of course even without the lottery I feel very blessed. As they say, the best things in life are free. I may not have an entertainment budget anymore but I have Michelle to entertain me. Every day she makes me smile and laugh. 

I don't go to the movies anymore but I've been making movies of Michelle. I take so many photos but my sister suggested I take some video of her and I know she'll grow so fast I'll be glad to have these moments captured. I got some video of her with my cat Ali on the couch. I took a video of her dancing the "Highland Fling" in her little tartan skirt and I shot some video of her in her new Jolly Jumper which my Mom just gave her. I put them on Youtube in the playlist along with songs I'd written for her -- here are the videos --

 

 

 



 



These days with Michelle mean more to me than anything. She is more than worth any sacrifices I have to make. I try not to panic about money. I know that things have a way of working out. In February when Mike left us, he left owing me money and I was in a bad situation. On top of that everything else went wrong and all sorts of unexpected expenses came up (as they say, "When it rains, it pours"). I didn't know what I was going to do but I did what I could and miracles started to happen. Things just fell into place. It's like someone up there was looking out for us. So I know that we'll be OK. I'll just do what I can and hope for the best.

 

And who knows? Maybe I will win the lottery...The funny thing is, even if I had a million dollars, Michelle still wouldn't let me go shopping!

One in a million baby!

We went to see the Princess Margaret Cancer Centre Dream Home in the Welcome Home Sweepstakes (for a virtual tour visit: www.helpconquercancer.ca). We go to see it every year. Of course this was my first time seeing it with the baby, which is a different experience! Luckily my Mom offered to carry her half the time to save my arms/back (which were already aching.) Michelle had fallen asleep in the car so we thought it better to leave her in the carseat so as not to disturb her. It is quite heavy though! She ended up waking up anyway but at least she was pretty good. She seemed fascinated by her new surroundings. She seems to register a lot more now than she did at first as a newborn. I'm not sure what babies see exactly but now that she's a month old I know that she recognizes me and she does seem to take in a lot more. Today she smiled at herself in the mirror! That was pretty cool. I'm not sure if she thought it was another baby smiling back at her. Everyone keeps commenting "She's only a month old?!" when they see the way she smiles or makes little noises or moves her head. So maybe she will be a little genius. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking.

I was relieved she was good while we were touring the Dream Home. Of course she's usually happy when she's in motion (in the car or in your arms.) She needs perpetual motion! It can get tiring though carrying her all the time. My Mom says I was the same way. I was constantly in her arms. "Spoiled little girl needs constant attention just like her Mom!" Mom said about Michelle.

The house was GORGEOUS. They always are. A 6500 square foot $4.3 million dollar home fully furnished in contemporary rustic decor with a lot of natural wood finishes and a zen-like muted colour scheme. It would be wonderful to win it! Not that I could probably afford the property tax anyway! It would be nice to live closer to Mom and May. Though they are always just a phone call (and not too long of a drive) away.

It was a nice day but had started out quite stressful. As I started the drive Michelle was screaming (she usually falls asleep in the car but she hadn't yet.) I had fed and changed her twice before leaving the house so that she'd be in good spirits for the trip. When I looked at the rearview mirror and saw Michelle in the mirror at the back I realized that the sun was on her face. D'oh! I have screens on both the rear windows to shield her from the sun while she's in her carseat but they don't cover the entire window and don't work from every angle, depending on the sun's position. Usually she's in the shade but on this particular morning as luck would have it, the sun was right on her. With her red hair and pale sensitive skin I couldn't let the sun be on her for any length of time. I wasn't sure if UV rays are able to go through car windows. I didn't think so because my prescription glasses are transition lenses and don't darken when I'm driving (which was annoying when I first got them because driving is the main time that I really need sunglasses.) Anyway, I didn't want to take a chance at the baby getting a sunburn so I stopped the car and tried to reposition the stupid screen on the window to put her in the shade. It didn't work. I was so annoyed. I wanted to just black out all the windows! So when I started to drive again I reached back to the backseat and held up a piece of paper beside the carseat until I could see in the rearview that her face was in shade. She was still screaming, my back and arm were aching, nearly dislocating my shoulder to reach back and protect her from the sun. I was so stressed I said a prayer "Please God let us turn a corner and put her in shade to save my arm and let her fall asleep for the trip to save my sanity!" With that, the next thing I knew there was a bend in the road, the sun was no longer in her face and she closed her eyes and went to sleep. "Thank you!" I said to God. Whenever I need help, He's just a prayer away.

The traffic in Oakville is always horrendous and somehow now that I have a baby I seem to hit EVERY SINGLE RED LIGHT THE WHOLE WAY! It's so frustrating because the baby is content and restful only when she's in motion. When the car stops, she doesn't like it at all. Oakville is usually bumper to bumper. Apparently motion and white noise are comforting to babies because it reminds them of the cozy environment in utero. I've even had people suggest that I put the baby on the dryer. I know she likes the vacuum. Sometimes the fan works. And the motion of the car (that seems to be the most popular among babies and I know many parents that will go for drives just to put the kids to sleep!)

I'm learning not to take crying episodes so seriously. The baby, like me or anyone else, just has bad days or bad moments sometimes but it's not the end of the world. She always winds up smiling again and I know she's happy.

Michelle's latest doctor appointment went well. She's healthy and strong and 10 lbs 10 ounces! Almost 11 pounds. When I told the doctor about the baby having her fussy periods in the early evening she said "Colic." And gave me something to try. It has little capsules with liquid in them and says to give it to the baby when they're having an "episode." So I guess I'll give it a try if she has one again. I asked the doctor about gripe water (a few people had recommended it to me). She said it's harmless and was another option I could try. I said that I heard it had sugar and alcohol in it. The doctor said it used to (so people were giving their kids alcohol? I guess when you're desperate you'd try almost anything!) but doesn't have alcohol anymore. I guess some babies have intestinal problems, tummy aches and they can't say that they're in pain so they just cry. Then again some babies just cry for the heck of it. It's hard to know for sure. Really all that anyone (even a doctor) can do is guess because you can't ask the baby what's going on. The last couple of nights she has been pretty good. She's fussy for a bit but then settles down. My Mom suggested putting her on her tummy over my knee and rubbing her back. If it is gas then this may help. I know for myself when I had gas pain the only thing that really helped was lying on my stomach (and passing wind!) The baby does poo an awful lot. My sister said she never had to change so many diapers. At least I know Michelle is eating well. I read that breastmilk is very easily digestible. It certainly seems to go right through her. Or maybe she's got IBS like her Mama already, poor thing.

It would be really nice if we could win the dream home. We could live in it for a little while at least and then sell it. Winning any lottery would be nice! Millions of dollars would definitely help! As a single Mom it is tough. They say money can't buy happiness but it would buy peace of mind if nothing else. It would be one less thing to worry about. And with millions of dollars I could buy Michelle all kinds of fancy toys. Maybe even a motorized contraption that simulates a car/a vacuum/a dryer. If they have such a thing. Maybe I should invent one! They say that necessity is the mother of invention. Someone needs to invent baby clothes that are easier to put on as well! So many outfits that looked cute when I was pregnant I am now realizing how difficult/impractical they are. I hate pulling things over her head. Buttons in the back are a nightmare. I almost wish everything had domes in the front!

She does have a swing and enjoys that sometimes. Other times it doesn't cut it. The car seems to be the favourite though she likes being in the stroller as well. It's a combination of motion and white noise. When she's fussy you just try whatever works. She had one REALLY bad night so far where I couldn't seem to console her at all but (knock on wood) it seemed like a temporary problem. Someone suggested maybe it was a growth spurt. Considering she's gained more than a pound already (and as a percentage of her total weight, that's substantial!) I might agree! If that's the case I may have more episodes in the future as she continues to grow. I just have to remember not to blame myself. Birds fly. Babies cry. It's natural for them. Usually there is something that will make her happy. I just have to try everything until I find out what it is! It will be easier when she can talk and tell me what she wants. Though I hear that can be a challenge as well. Especially when they hit the terrible twos and the more terrible teens...So much to look forward to!

It occurs to me that even with millions of dollars, the baby would still cry, I would still breastfeed, I would still lose sleep. So it wouldn't change everything. But I could hire someone to cook meals and do laundry. That would definitely be a help. I could hire a nanny but the truth is even with all the money in the world I'd rather no one watch Michelle but me. I am her Mommy and that is priceless to me. I wouldn't really trust anyone else to watch her. No one could love her like I do.

Michelle is my little miracle baby. A beautiful, totally unexpected gift from God. She is one in a million and is worth more than millions to me! But yes, winning the lottery would definitely be nice! I could buy a beautiful dream home in paradise and live by the ocean. Instead of making a shushing noise or running the vacuum, Michelle (and I) could be soothed by the sound of the waves. Or we could live on a houseboat and then she would be lulled by constant motion even when we're at home! Sounds like a plan! That's it. I'm buying a lottery ticket! You just never know...