The Nine Month Itch...

I got the nursery furniture on Thursday! My sister and brother in law came with the crib, change table and rocker! I am so grateful to them for giving me these much needed pieces now that little Reggie has outgrown them.

The nursery has been nearly empty for so long, I was excited to have everything here. I couldn't wait to get the room all set up. I filled the shelves, washed and set up the bedding. Then I felt all warm and fuzzy thinking about having my baby girl in her room...

I had decided on furniture placement months ago, before I had anything in the room. Originally I was planning to have the crib under the window as the focal point. I had everything set up in my mind. I did a bit of research however and discovered that when it comes to a baby's room you can't just think of aesthetics. You have to plan for purpose and safety. It's dangerous to have the crib close to a window (I guess for when they get old enough to reach the window and possibly climb out!) It makes sense to have the crib as close to the door as possible so that baby is easy to reach in the middle of the night. (Crying happens, go figure!)

I had decided on an ocean theme very early on. I am obsessed with the ocean and it's a theme in almost my whole house! I painted the room turquoise, did a series of mermaid paintings and looked for oceanic items to fill the room. I was thrilled to get this Lambs & Ivy "Under the Sea" crib bedding set at my shower. It also includes the valance and diaper stacker. The sea theme is rather unique and difficult to find. Most bedding sets out there seem to have animal themes -- Disney, jungle animals, monkeys. There are also birds, bugs, flowers. All cute, but none quite right for baby and me. I was happy as well that I managed to get a cute little clip on musical aquarium for the crib for $5 on Kijiji! I was buying an ocean theme kick and crawl gym (also a steal) and asked if she had any other ocean themed items. She dug out this aquarium for me. It just needed a little TLC. New batteries and a good cleaning. Brand new these things can go for anywhere from $40-75 so it was a real bargain! I've always been a bargain hunter and as a single Mom I'm sure I'll have to be even more creative/resourceful with my purchases. My Mom gave me a poster of tropical fish in Fiji. Aside from my paintings I wanted to have images of real fish in the room. If they weren't so much work I would LOVE to have a real aquarium. Tropical fish are so beautiful and so soothing to watch. I have a DVD called Naked Fish that turns your TV into an aquarium of sorts. But it's not quite the same.

The rocking chair is next to the crib and the bookcase -- again, placed for purpose since I'd be taking baby from the crib to soothe and feed her in the rocker as well as reading her bedtime stories before putting her to bed. I've managed to collect several storybooks already, some even in an ocean theme! I also added little sea theme toys to the shelves. It's so colourful. I got the little bookcase at Walmart. It was quite reasonable and I knew that the wood would match the rest of the furniture.

The change table is placed between the closet and the dresser to be convenient for changing the baby. It has a drawer and shelves for supplies which I've filled with diapers, wipes, baby wash, shampoo, powder, other supplies and toys. I have the beautiful diaper cake my friend made nearby. I don't know if I'll have the heart to dip into it. I have enough diapers to last a while. Maybe if I run out I'll just try to sneak one out here and there without ruining the cake! The IKEA dresser I've had for a while. I got an amazing deal on it on Kijiji. On a tight budget, having furniture donated or finding items really cheap has been a godsend.

I can't believe the nursery is done! It's not like there was a rush really. When I first bring baby home she'll be in the bassinett in my room right next to me for the first couple of months anyway. I was just anxious to see it all finished and for baby to have her own room ready before she arrives. Not that she'd be able to see/appreciate it for a long time anyway!

It's so surreal standing in this bedroom now. The room had already undergone a metamorphosis at the end of last year, before I knew there would ever be a baby. When M, my baby's father had moved in in October, he had insisted on taking over this room as his office. The walls were grey. Given his rather macabre/creepy collection of scorpions and swords and his vampire-like tendency to keep the shade drawn all day, it was a rather dismal room while he inhabited it. It had been my collectibles/guest room before that (Many years ago I used to collect Barbies and bears. Yes my girl will have a lot to play with one day! Though I may try to steer her away from the Bob Mackie designer dolls!) At first I was reluctant to move all my display cabinets and the guest bed to the basement. But I wanted him to feel at home (and being a Scorpio he was controlling, had a spell on me and a tendency to get his way!) I was committed to making it work and I cleared the room for him, as requested (make that demanded! M didn't ask, he told and I complied.) I couldn't have dreamed at the time that it wouldn't stay his room for long (4 months). That he would leave me PREGNANT and that this would become the baby's NURSERY!

Perhaps it was because I was ready, unwittingly, to have a baby. My body was certainly ready! I conceived at lightning speed! I had been closed most of my life. Never fully committed to anyone or anything. Never really let love in completely. Always had one foot out the door. Even in long term relationships spanning several years. I was usually the control freak, used to getting my own way but with M, I surrendered. I gave myself completely. I opened my heart and my home in a way I never had. I was ready to let love in, as unlikely a partner as I'd chosen to do it with! I didn't realize that the love I was giving a space to would be a baby. She truly is the love of my life. I wonder if M had done the math and realized that he'd be losing his office to the baby. Maybe he thought I'd be so wrapped up in the baby that there wouldn't be room, time or energy for him anymore (he was rather demanding, like a baby himself! Again, I guess that was training for me!) If so, he may have been right. The baby is taking over my heart, my life and he would have been in the way. I still can't see how someone could walk away from his own child but perhaps it's different for men. Especially someone like him, with such a tragic past (no father, taken from his mother at 1 year old, bounced around foster homes), he'd gotten used to drifting and not really having a home. I have felt such a strong bond with the baby all along, but then I've been carrying her, feeling her move inside me, going through all the physical and emotional changes of pregnancy. He was somewhat detached from it all. It seemed like he was committed to this and wanted us to be a family in the first few months but then I guess he got scared/overwhelmed and as the first trimester closed, he made his exit. It's OK. Baby and me will be just fine without him. Despite the betrayal and heartbreak he caused me, I am grateful to M for this miraculous gift. If I hadn't met and fallen for him, this baby, this blessing would not exist. Having a child was something I had never imagined or dared to hope for myself but that I now know was always meant to be. It's ironic, after all the long-term relationships I've had, all the men I've loved that this most unlikely of partners/fathers was the one to give me a baby. The biggest (and best) surprise of my life. Life is strange. You can try to plan it but you can't predict what magic may happen to change all your plans and to change you forever.

After they had all the furniture set up in the room, it hit my sister that this was it. Her baby isn't really a baby anymore. He's a toddler now. Saying goodbye to the furniture was like saying farewell to the world of babydom. Considering babies are so much work, you would think it would be a relief to move on but I know a lot of Moms who miss having babies after their children start getting bigger. I guess that's why women are often willing to go through the whole ordeal again and again after their first child. I'm pretty sure (99.9% sure... Mind you, that's how certain I was that I'd never have children at all, so you never know!) this baby will be my ONLY one! I will cherish the time that she's small. I know it goes by so fast.

I don't know if it's just a coincidence but now that the room is complete, I feel ready. I was apprehensive about the big day, nervous about labour, delivery, birth, having a newborn. I was afraid of going early, terrified of my impending due date. I didn't think I was ready. I'm over it! Let's get this show on the road! Though I'm grateful for the experience, I don't think I'll ever miss being pregnant!

I've got the nine month itch. Literally and figuratively. My skin, stretched to capacity is so itchy. The belly and legs are bad enough. For some reason my big old swollen feet are BEYOND UNBEARABLE! I try to resist the urge to scratch but then finally give in and rip the hell out of them. Like any itch, it's Heaven while you're scratching but as soon as you're done, they're on fire. Sore. Raw. And itchier than ever. I've never had anything quite like it. I've never experienced poison ivy. The only comparison I can make would be if I had 10,000 mosquito bites on the tops of my feet. I managed to dig out an old container of Gold Bonds Medicated Powder to dust off my feet trying to relieve the itch. I think it helps a little (like maybe 2%) but the problem is now I'm leaving white footprints everywhere and it looks like my house has been invaded by a giant jelly donut!

I was feeling sad and depleted a week ago (refer to my previous post -- Worrying, waddling, weeping!) but now I have a renewed energy and excitement. I can't wait to have this baby! And I can't wait to be done with all the physical discomforts. Now I'm not so concerned with the pain of labour and nervousness about the baby as I am just focused on the excitement of finally having my baby and getting my body back to normal.

Unfortunately on Friday the doctor told me that it looks like I may go late! The baby's head was a bit lower but she hasn't really dropped yet. So it seems she isn't quite ready. D'oh! I don't want to be late! I asked the doctor, hypothetically, if I did go past my due date, what's the cut-off point. When do they induce? She said generally if it goes over 2 weeks they'll consider induction. TWO WEEKS?! I don't want the baby walking out at 10+ pounds at 42 weeks! She said it depends on my health, the baby's health, the hospital availability etc. Oh dear. This is getting more complicated. I asked if there was anything I could do myself to help things along if need be. She smiled and said "Sex." Uh yeah, that's not possible right now!!! No men in my life for quite some time (not since my baby's father). "Anything else?!" I asked. "MSG," she said. Mmm. Monosodium glutamate. Unhealthy though tasty and addictive little food additive. Bingo! I'm all over that! Chinese food and McDonalds, here I come! "What about dancing?" I asked. "Dance if you like. Do whatever you like but it wouldn't really help. Some people might have their own methods but even if they went into labour there would be no proof that that activity was actually why." Baby will come when she's good and ready. I just hope she's ready on time. Maybe she figures I take my sweet time with all my major life events (Leaving home at 36. Having a baby at 43...) so why rush? Besides, I had been putting out the vibe that I wasn't ready. Now I guess I have to radiate just how ready I am!

My body is preparing itself, I believe. I am getting more of those Braxton Hicks contractions. They used to come just once in a while. Once every couple of days. Then a couple of times each day. Now I seem to get one every hour or two. Sometimes they're more severe. I've started feeling more pressure, lower, very low, (almost like baby's on her way out sometimes!) and getting back pain, which is new. I mean my back is sore if I try to do anything or bend over but now I've had some back aches even when I'm doing nothing. I feel different. I look different too. My belly has gone from round to kind of an oval shape with a point at the bottom. I know from the doctor that that's the baby's head down there. She does feel lower now. Maybe she has moved down a bit after all the activity yesterday.

After my doctor's appointment, I went to visit my sister who had suggested we go swimming. I hadn't been swimming since pregnant and wanted to try going at least once this summer. My mother, who didn't want to go herself ("I couldn't stand being out in that heat!" But that's the best time to go swimming! "And it's too far to the washroom!" Well she did have a point there, but I won't let her know that!) tried to scare me and stop me from going. "You can't go swimming while pregnant! You could get an infection and hurt the baby!" I tried to tell her that I hadn't lost my mucus plug, my water hadn't broken. Baby was safely sealed up in her little biosphere. Besides we were going to a large chlorinated pool, not a contaminated lake. "You'll sink like a stone with your big belly!" Mom warned. Oh brother. I told her that in the water, everyone floats. You could be 400 lbs and still float. She told me to check with the doctor. So I asked. The doctor confirmed what I'd already told Mom. (I should have got the doctor to write me a note -- Dear Mrs. Pincivero -- you are WRONG again!) She said that swimming was a great idea. Good exercise and absolutely safe for baby and me. So there, Mom!

So we went to a local provinicial park with a huge pool. It was my first time swimming this summer. It was quite different squeezing into my tankini this year than changing into my assortment of bikinis last year. The water was very refreshing. Unfortunately the walk from the parking lot to our spot in the shade away from the pool as well as the long walk back and forth to the washrooms, nearly destroyed me. My sister was up ahead pushing the stroller, my niece tried to lag behind a bit to wait for me. I couldn't keep up. Normally I'm a fast walker but while pregnant even walking and breathing are a chore. It was one of the hottest days on record. 37 degrees. About 50 degrees with the humidex (That's 122 degrees fahrenheit for you non-metrics!!!) Yeah. Carrying around the extra weight (and stepping on the doctor's scale earlier was a shock. I have gained more than I thought...) and trying to walk with big swollen legs and balloon feet makes it that much harder. So I had some trouble breathing and felt like I might pass out.

I tried to set up the self-timer to get a photo of us but the timer only gives you 10 seconds and I couldn't waddle over that quickly! I did finally manage to get one. I just had to have my sister and niece standing nearby so I didn't have to cover so much ground in 10 seconds!

They say the camera adds 20 lbs. I think that when you're pregnant it adds an extra 50! I look back at photos from last summer and I can't believe how much bigger I am now. I was hoping I might start to get back in shape in August but from what I've read it looks like you have to wait 6-8 weeks before you can even start an exercise regimen. You have to give the body time to heal and get back to normal. I guess I'll have to aim for next summer. Of course I don't know how much my stretch marks will show. Maybe I'll have to retire my bikinis permanently. I didn't know after all my hard work to get in shape last year that I'd wind up pregnant in the Fall. Baby is worth it of course. I hope she appreciates it! I read that being pregnant actually tears your abdominal muscles and it takes a while for the space to close up. It's like your whole midsection is torn apart and renovated when baby moves in and even when she moves out it takes a while to remodel and refurbish the old digs! Breastfeeding is supposed to help the uterus shrink back to its normal size. Too bad it doesn't automatically do the same to your abs and everything else!

It kills me when I see celebrities that just gave birth and there they are on the beach with a flat tummy almost instantly. Then again they have the advantage of a million dollar budget, staff, nutritionists, personal trainers, not to mention airbrushing, smoke and mirrors!

The water was relatively cold but when the air is that hot you're happy to ease into it. I found it somewhat difficult to tread water and to swim forward on my tummy. It was rather uncomfortable. (I wouldn't want to admit that to my Mom. Though I did not, as she put it "sink like a stone!" I don't go in deep water anyway. I never did, even before I was pregnant. I like to be able to stand and have my head above water.) Floating on my back was relaxing and refreshing. I felt weightless. I looked up at the clouds and for a few moments had a flashback to last summer. It is very different being pregnant. I highly doubt I would ever have another baby. Even if I did I think I would try to arrange NOT to be pregnant during the summer, if at all possible!

The heat really has been a challenge. Just my luck that we're having the hottest summer on record. It's not so bad when it cools down at night at least but sometimes even the sun going down doesn't give you a break from the suffocatingly hot, humid air.

Last night I was so exhausted after swimming that I went to bed super early. I slept in the basement where it was cool. I woke up disoriented at 3 a.m. and came upstairs for something to eat. I ended up starting this blog at 4:30 a.m. I was too awake to sleep (and my powdery itchy feet weren't helping!) but too tired to stay up much longer. I ended up going back to bed and leaving the blog to finish today, Saturday. I wasn't sure whether to head back to the basement, crash on the couch (there was a nice breeze on the main floor but it didn't seem to reach the upper floor) or go try my own bed upstairs, in the hot zone. I finally settled on going up to my own bed. It's the only place I can ever seem to sleep properly. It was a bit warmer but did cool down somewhat and the fan next to me made it bearable. I even managed to sleep in today so I'm quite well rested now but I probably needed it!

I'm ready. Nursery done. Carseat installed (and I even got special little mirrors for the car so I can still see baby's face in the rear-facing seat.) Hospital bag packed. Stomach (feet and everything else) stretched beyond comprehension. The only thing that wasn't ready was me, mentally/emotionally. I was nervous about the pain of labour and scared by the prospect of being a Mom to a newborn. I'm over it. Hell yeah, I'm ready! Bring it on!

Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe the itchy feet and other discomforts are just to give you that push to motivate you past the fears and make you eager to face the most painful, difficult experience in life (labour!) To make you think, enough already, let's get this over with! I can't believe just a week ago I was telling people that I wasn't ready yet. What a donut I was! A powdered, jelly filled donut. I've actually now resorted to Penaten cream for my itchy feet because I was tearing them apart with my nails. Good old zinc oxide. It is soothing. And it keeps you from scratching because you don't want that white cream under your nails. Do you have any idea how sticky that stuff is?! It's almost impossible to wash off! I couldn't get it off my hands. Had to lather up several times, washing vigorously. How do you ever get it off a baby's butt when you use it for diaper rash? I guess it just stays there until the toddler years...

Today, I'm just taking it easy. Putting up my tired, sore, red, bloated, itchy as Hell feet. I got more than enough exercise yesterday. They talk about a "walk in the park" as though it's easy but when you're pregnant that walk in the park in blistering heat is like running a 50K marathon, after you've been hit by a bus and while wearing a suit that weighs 1,000 lbs. I think I also neglected to mention that the public washrooms are on a hill and our spot under the shade of a tree was also on a hill at the opposite end of the park. The pool was the valley in the middle where I could relax and get refreshed between my arduous uphill climbs. Hauling my big ole belly back and forth up one hill and the other was frustrating and exhausting, a little like Sisyphus (in Greek mythology) rolling the boulder up the hill just to have it roll back down again and again.

Anyway, I'm babbling! This was supposed to be a short post about the nursery and wound up being another long one. I may not be able to ramble like this in future posts. I'm soon going to have so much on my plate I don't know how I'll find the time. I imagine after the baby it will really be a challenge. I'll just have to jot down a few thoughts when I catch a minute here and there. Then again they say newborns sleep 16 hours a day. Of course, not all at once. This blog is like a diary and helps me through my journey so I definitely want to keep at it. And I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about my baby adventures!

This nine months has flown by. I've gone through such a range of experiences and emotions to get me here. Now this journey is ending and a new one, the biggest, most exciting adventure of my life, is about to begin. I'm ready when you are, baby! I'm anxious to meet you! Won't be long now (I hope!)

What should we have for dinner tonight? Something healthy for you little girl (salad, asparagus, fresh fruit) and then a treat for Mama. I've got a craving for MSG!

Worrying, waddling, weeping...The worst trimester!

They say there's no point crying over spilled milk but that didn't stop me. I'd been having a bad day as it was and knocking over the quart of milk was kind of the last straw. I've been so clumsy with my big belly and my ballooned up swollen feet I've been bumping into things, knocking things over, dropping things. I feel so weak and exhausted, bloated and achy and the heat only makes it worse. I've been so fragile that every little thing can set me off. Not to mention how difficult it is and how much it hurts to bend down to clean up spilled milk now. So yeah I cried.

Now I know a lot of it is hormonal. I have read that it's normal, which is somewhat comforting. But when you're in the midst of a pity party (and man, I can throw some doozies!) you just feel like you're the only one in the world going through this and you feel like you're a bad Mommy because you're crying and the baby can hear you and your body is convulsing and it's going to upset the baby. She'll think there's an earthquake or something. But then you read and research and talk to supportive friends and family who tell you -- oh hell no -- they cried every day for months and baby was just fine. I do speak some soothing words of comfort after a crying spell though "It's OK baby. Mommy's OK. I love you." and sing "Three Little Birds" -- trying to convince myself as well as the baby not to worry about a thing "'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

As my due date approaches I'm finding the third trimester is a bit of a flashback to the first (extreme fatigue, stress and tears) only worse because now it's summer instead of winter and I'm three times the size! At least I don't have the nausea but everything else is overwhelming. When I'm sleep-deprived (and considering I wake up every hour to use the washroom, a solid night's rest is a thing of the past) everything feels that much worse. Some days it feels like I'm falling apart.

I got spoiled during the second trimester. For the most part, I felt great. I had energy. I was enthusiastic. I was happier than I'd ever been. I felt excited and blessed and strong. While I had heard that the third trimester was difficult, I couldn't have imagined the Hell that awaited me.

Yeah, it just sucks.

I knew that I would be at my biggest. And I really do feel like a planet. I had joked about being a beach ball before but my stomach literally has expanded to beach ball proportions. My belly button has popped out and even seems to have a dark circle around it like a black eye. While I had been slathering on cream to prevent stretch marks, I still wound up with stretch marks at the bottom of my belly. I found a new stretch mark cream that has cocoa butter, shea butter, vitamin E, collagen and elastin in it. Unfortunately while it purports to "reduce the appearance of stretch marks" it also smells like chocolate. So ironically my belly may expand even further since I'm craving sweets all the more, walking around with a big old belly that smells like chocolate chip cookies!

It is hard to move around with this belly. I can no longer see my feet. Bending is painful. Cleaning the house is an exercise in torture. But I felt guilted into giving things a good cleaning (Thanks Mom! "Everything has to be clean for the baby!" she screeched. Though as far as I can tell, it will be a while before my baby is at the crawling stage so I don't know why the floor had to be spotless at this point!) I was waiting for that "nesting" instinct to kick in when you're supposed to get a burst of energy and be inspired to clean like never before. Unless some miracle happens in the next couple of weeks, I can't imagine feeling energetic and wanting to clean. My burst of energy came in the second trimester when I wanted to get things ready for the nursery. My enthusiasm for cleaning sinks and toilets never did show up. Let's face it. Baby won't be using those for a LONG TIME. As it was I had zero energy or enthusiasm but I grudgingly cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, vacuumed and washed the floors. It nearly killed me. Between my weight gain, swollen feet and legs and the heat of summer (with no air conditioning) I'm not sure how I survived it. But I was relieved once it was done. From now on, I'm going to try to just ignore my mother. When I feel bad I really don't need her calling to make me feel worse. I have call display for a reason! Yes I love you Mom but sometimes you DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!

The swollen foot thing had started months ago, in my second trimester, but mainly in my left foot and it was nothing compared to this. Now both legs and feet are completely ballooned up. I am the Michelin man. White for the most part except that my feet are red and if I walk around too long they turn purple and sometimes even black.

I never really paid attention to peoples' ankles or feet before. But now with my big balloons I find myself looking rather wistfully at people with cute little feet and actual ankle bones.

I was sitting on the bench at Walmart, waiting for my Mom and found myself looking at everyone's feet as they went by. I finally saw someone who had cankles almost as bad as mine. They were about 400 pounds. I started to feel bad for anyone who is extremely overweight and to realize how difficult it must be for them to move around. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to walk. You waddle, partly because of the weight you're carrying and partly because of your feet being so swollen. Everything is more difficult. And it would be a vicious cycle because you wouldn't have the energy to exercise so it would be even harder to lose the weight. Any bit of exertion knocks you out. At least for me this is a temporary condition and I'm hoping that I'll lose the weight I've gained after having the baby.

I miss my old legs and feet. My old tummy. I had worked so hard to get in shape and then only got to stay that way for less than a year. I'm hoping that as soon as I have the baby the water weight and blood pooling in my legs will go away instantly. And I'm hoping that between giving birth, breastfeeding (which burns a lot of calories and helps return your uterus to its normal size sooner) and working out again that I'm able to get back to the shape that I was in last year (the best shape of my adult life after eating right and exercising to reach my goal weight. I didn't realize that I was inadvertently getting my body primed to conceive a baby!)

Then there are the bathroom blues...Even before I was pregnant, I had a small bladder and made frequent trips to the washroom. I also suffered from IBS. I spent a lot of time on the toilet. These days, with baby and her biosphere camped out on my bladder (and she hasn't even dropped yet!) I'm peeing every half hour or so. No more sleeping through the night. As far as my bowels are concerned (sorry this is going to be TMI so for the squeamish, just disregard the rest of this paragraph!) I was already accustomed to diarrhea, but the constipation has been a whole new adventure. Strangely, they seem to alternate. Sometimes it feels like I really have to go and nothing comes. Other times, it's a volcanic eruption. For bathroom issues alone it is a relief to be off work. It was embarassing when I literally had to run to the washroom. Especially since my run is more of a fast waddle. Have you ever seen a penguin running? Well it's a lot more cute when they do it! See video below. I can picture her saying "Outta my way! I gotta go!" I'm pretty sure I had my arms outstretched like that too, to keep people out of my path.

On top of the physical discomforts I've been going through, I've also had a lot of stress which has been kicked up a notch since I'm going on maternity leave. Worrying about impending labour, worrying will I be a good Mommy? Will I be able to support my baby and me? Things will be tight. The most urgent problem is that I still have to sell my car. Please if you or someone you know is in the market for a nearly new convertible (2010 Mazda MX5 silver automatic) LET ME KNOW! Here's a link to my ad on Kijiji:
http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-cars-vehicles-cars-trucks-2010-Mazda-MX-5-Miata-GX-Convertible-W0QQAdIdZ392936566
I can't make these payments anymore. I'm not even driving the car and haven't since the Fall of 2011. I loved the car but now it's killing me. I have to sell it ASAP and I have to get what's still owing on it or there will be a lien on it. A single Mom on a tight budget, I don't know how I'm going to manage. Baby will hopefully have free milk for the first six months. Unfortunately I'm guessing if Mama can't afford to buy groceries for herself, it may hurt milk production!

I try to remain positive. Things have a way of working out for the best usually. At this point I just can't see how. I need things to be resolved, the sooner the better. I have enough to worry about without the financial strain.

I'm terrified of labour and delivery. When I complain about how difficult the third trimester is, people ask "I guess you can't wait to have the baby and get it over with already?!" But the truth is, I don't want the baby to be early. I'm not ready. I don't want the baby to be early or late. Hopefully she's right on time or thereabouts. Not only am I scared of giving birth, I'm scared to be a Mom. To bring a newborn baby home. I don't feel responsible enough, grown up enough. It's overwhelming. This was something I never imagined for myself. As much as I love the baby and am excited to meet her, I am also TERRIFIED! My life is going to change forever. There's no turning back. I'm going to have a small human to take care of and raise for the rest of my life. This is the biggest leap I've ever taken. I wanted to go skydiving. Jumping out of a plane would have been nothing compared to this. Am I ready? Will I ever feel ready?

My Mom was on my case about packing a bag for the hospital. My mother is always in panic mode. She worries about the worst case scenario. She wanted me to be ready in case of an emergency. She kept saying that she thought I was going to have the baby early. "Why are you saying that?! Stop it!" In fact, having seen my doctor, who knows a little more about obstetrics than my mother, it seems that if anything I'm likely to go later. The baby hasn't dropped yet and she said that generally it will be another 4 weeks to delivery after the baby drops. Mind you she also qualified it by saying that you can never really predict and it's silly to try. But I see the doctor every week and if she sees any signs of impending labour, she'll let me know.

I have had Braxton Hicks contractions. I'd been having them for a while but didn't really know what they were until someone explained that it's like a tightness or hardening of the uterus all of a sudden. Not really painful, just kind of weird and uncomfortable. It's something like a menstrual cramp. I can deal with those. I had horrendous menstrual cramps since I first got my period at 13 years old. Lucky me. If actual contractions are like that, I think I can handle it. I imagine that contractions will be a little more severe and will of course come more frequently at regular intervals. Perhaps the women who complain about contractions were the ones who had never suffered menstrual cramps. I'm a pro at those so maybe it won't be so bad after all. Hey, I can dream!

Anyway, where was I? (Sorry, I've got baby brain!) Oh yes, Mom was trying to convince me to have a bag packed for the hospital "just in case." It made me sick to think about it and felt like it may be tempting fate so I kept putting it off. When a friend started lobbying for me to pack my bags too I started to think OK maybe they have a point. My friend had free tickets to the movies and was taking me to see "Brave" (got to love a feisty blue-eyed, red-haired heroine who doesn't need a man to rescue her). She was going to pick me up the next day and see the nursery and check up on me that I'd actually packed the bag, so unfortunately now I actually had to do it. So I started. I was stressed to the max. What should I bring? I packed the diaper bag for the baby first. Diapers and wipes. That's easy. Changes of clothes. Onesies for newborns. But wait, what if she's bigger? Better bring some 0-3 month outfits just in case. I had been organized at least and washed all the baby's clothes in baby detergent and put them away grouped by size/age. Blankets. What if it's cold that day? What if it's hot? Bring options. I was getting increasingly stressed. Then I packed a bag for me. PJs. Nursing bra and pads. Travel size toiletries (ran out to get some. Scratch that. Waddled out to Walmart to get things I didn't have.) Clothes to come home in (what would the weather be like? What size would I be? Would I magically deflate like a balloon?) Should I bring shorts? A skirt? What will be comfy after pushing a baby out of my hoohoo? Extra underwear. Pads (Haven't needed them in a while! But I've read I'll need them afterward...) A journal to scribble down my experiences. Extra batteries for my camera. Suddenly I was just overcome. I started to cry. I was scared. I didn't want to go to the hospital. If I didn't pack the bag then maybe this wasn't real. Maybe it was all a dream. Like those TV shows where they wake up and the whole season was just a dream. Somehow packing the bags made it too real. But I did it. They were packed to the gills. (My bags always are. Even anytime I went on vacation or overnight somewhere my bags were stuffed with extras, with options, with "just in case." It's part of the control freak/worrier gene that I inherited from my mother. Thanks Mom!) At least my bags are packed now so my friend and Mom can get off my case! They do have a point because I'm sure when I go into labour I wouldn't be able to think of anything to bring. I have a hard time thinking now!

My sister not only got me an amazing stroller system for my shower gift (on top of throwing me a beautiful baby shower) but she also put it together for me (thank God because I'm not mechanically inclined at the best of times, am very uncoordinated these days and my problem-solving abilities are nil.) I just glanced at the instructions and felt like I was going to cry. It would have taken me three weeks to figure it out if left on my own with it. Who knew it would be in pieces in the box? My brother in law installed the carseat in my car. Again a huge help because I wouldn't have known where to start. Seeing the child restraint in my backseat made it all even more real for me. Of course, it had to be done. Even more important than packing the bag for the hospital. They don't let you take your baby home if you don't have the carseat installed. This was all freaking me out even more. We wanted to see what it would be like to have a baby in the seat so my niece strapped in one of her stuffed cats. It was cute but I made sure she took him back out because I thought if she forgot and anyone looked in the window and saw a stuffed cat in a babyseat in my car, they'd really think I'd lost it.

So. Hospital bag packed. Carseat installed. Baby clothes washed and put away. My brother in law is bringing the furniture this week. I've read the books. Done the research. Somehow I still don't feel ready.

My friend said it still blows her mind that I'm having a baby. She can't wrap her head around it. I asked "How do you think I feel?!" I never expected this. In a million years. I never saw me as a Mom. Even when I dated men with kids, I felt like one of the kids. I wasn't the parent, the responsible one, the grown up. Do I know how to be? Can I learn? For the past nine months, I've known this was coming, but it was far enough away that it was still sort of an abstract idea. Now I'm down to the last few weeks and the reality is hitting me head-on. Holy crap. I'm going to be a Mom. And the metamorphosis could not be more dramatic if I literally was becoming a butterfly, or a mermaid. I will be entering another world. It will be like learning to fly or breathing underwater.  It's something I've never done. Yes I had babysitting jobs as a kid. Yes I've had nieces and nephews. But nothing like this. It's my baby. And I don't even have a partner to help. It's ALL ME! The pressure!

Now don't get me wrong. I am happy and excited about the baby. I love this baby more than anything. And I am extremely grateful. As hard a time as I've been having, I do still have good days, happy moments. I do feel blessed to have had a normal, healthy pregnancy. Even the difficult things I've gone through were apparently common and right on schedule. It's been a textbook pregnancy and I do feel lucky for that. Aside from that, I know that the end result (my baby!) is more than worth it. All fears aside, I know that my baby is the love of my life and I will be thrilled to meet her. The truth is that most of the best moments of my life were also my scariest. They were the times when I took a leap. If you're not a little scared, you're probably not growing.

Humour can help you through just about anything. Humour and love. My sister is amazing. She always manages to calm me down and make me laugh. She is so nurturing, supportive and encouraging. I know that my Mom means well but she tends to be negative and a worrier and stresses me out. My sister is the voice of reason, the understanding, patient and loving angel that has pulled me out of the abyss in some of my life's darkest moments. She is the most extraordinary Mom, sister and friend that anyone could have. Knowing that she is with me through this journey is my greatest comfort. May, I couldn't get through this without you!

I am also grateful to Jenny McCarthy for making me laugh out loud. Someone had recommended her book, "Belly Laughs" to me and it has been a godsend. She is so brutally honest (and graphic!) about all of the physical and emotional changes you go through during pregnancy, so candid and funny that it has helped me to laugh even on some of my darkest days. I haul my big ole belly and my swollen feet onto my garden swing for a few moments and relax and laugh at Jenny's pregnant misadventures, some I can completely relate to, others I'm glad I managed to escape, but through it all, I feel like part of the sisterhood of pregnant women. I am not alone. There are a lot of us going through this, or have gone through this, billions of us throughout history! I can do this! And I swear, from now on, when I see a pregnant woman, I'm going out of my way to be nice to her! I'll give her my place in line, help her carry things, whatever she needs.

I have to say that it's a good thing today's princesses (such as Merida in "Brave") don't need a prince to rescue them, because chivalry is DEFINITELY dead! I went to Canadian Tire expecting to be in and out in a few minutes. I knew what I wanted, it was in the flyer, on sale, I just had to grab it and go. Except that they were sold out. So I was told to head to customer service for a raincheck. OK. My feet were nearly purple but this couldn't take more than 5-10 minutes tops, right? Unfortunately there were six men ahead of me in line. The one at the counter had some sort of problem with his receipt or the price or God-knows-what but his refund was taking an eternity. Phone calls were being made. People were coming with keys. Managers were being called. All the while, the blood and water are pooling in my bloated feet, I'm having a particularly difficult Braxton Hicks contraction, I'm still sweating from it being 35 degrees celsius outside and my ribs hurt. So I stand there waiting, panting, holding my belly, trying to stand like a flamingo (a rather portly and ungraceful one!) to take the pressure off my foot and I couldn't help but think that the six men ahead of me (ranging in age from about 18 years to 50 years) had absolutely no human compassion, honour, kindness, nor any redeeming qualities of any kind. It's not that they didn't see me. A few of them actually eyed me up and down a few times (with looks ranging from mild curiosity, to indifference, to disdain.) I would have been hard to miss. In my mind I fantasized that at least one or even a couple of them would say "Oh you poor dear, you go ahead of me!" But not a single one offered. Of course not. I think there was a time when men were gentlemen, when they would give up their seats for a lady on the train, when they would let a woman "with child" ahead of them in line. Those days are gone. Chivalry. Niceties. Kindness. Gone. Perhaps women's liberation put an end to that. Maybe they figure "Hey, you wanted equality, so stand there and suffer like the rest of us." Except there is no equality because I have never seen a man carrying a small human in his abdomen. They will never know how we suffer. And they don't even care. There are no more princes, knights, heroes. Now there are just cold, selfish, insensitive men standing in the customer service line at Canadian Tire, their eyes vacant as zombies. (Ok, before I start getting hate mail for painting all of manunkind with the same brush, I will admit that yes there are still a couple of nice men in the world. I've met a couple. They just didn't happen to be in that line!)

After 15 minutes I was about ready to collapse. There was a wheelchair by the wall. I was tempted to drag it over and sit on it. Oh to be able to sit at least would be a help. Then the angel of a woman who got in line behind me read my mind "You poor thing. Here why don't you sit on this? I remember what it was like when I was pregnant." I could have kissed her. "I was actually contemplating it. Thank you!" So she wheeled the chair over to me and I sat down. A couple of the guys looked down at me rather sheepishly. Even with me sitting in a wheelchair and my huge balloon feet turning various shades of black, purple and red, they didn't budge, didn't offer to let me ahead of them. I thanked the woman behind me for her kindness. 

I think more concessions should be made for pregnant women. There should be a pregnant express checkout. Special expectant Mom lines at the drive-thru. You should never have to wait, never have to stand, never have to walk more than a few feet to get where you're going. Now granted, I was somewhat less sympathetic before being pregnant myself. I used to roll my eyes when I'd hear someone complain about something and then add "and I'm PREGNANT!" as if that made a difference. Frankly, it does! Now that I know what you go through, those women should be able to get away with anything. Seriously, I think it should even be a valid argument in court. "Your honour, I'm PREGNANT!" "Ok. You're free to go." Even in a murder case. I mean with all those hormones? Please. There should be more expectant mother parking spots. Before I was pregnant I remember seeing so many of those spots and almost being tempted to use them (hey I could be in the first trimester, who would know?) Now that I'm actually pregnant it seems like none of the stores have them anymore. It's not fair. It's like they found out I was pregnant and painted over them all! Or maybe I'm just being sensitive. When I actually find a pregnant parking spot I'm so happy I waddle out of the car proudly displaying my belly like it's some rite of passage. No one would ever question whether I have a right to be in those spots these days. You can see me a mile away.

Most of the time I try to be positive. Unfortunately once in a while I need to vent and I have here, at length. At nine months pregnant, with just a few weeks to go, my body, mind and spirit are stretched to the limit. It's not always easy, but I know it's not for much longer and it's for a really good cause -- the most magical, most significant day of my life.

Life is so strange. I know that when I look back, even at my struggles, I am grateful for the experiences. Things always work out for the best eventually. No matter how tough the obstacles seem at the time, you do get over them. You survive and become stronger. I will get through this. I just have to remember that humour and love can get you through just about anything. I am grateful for the love of friends and family. Grateful for the love I feel for my baby. And grateful that I can still laugh, at life, at myself.

I love to laugh. Especially now. I figure it's a happy earthquake for baby in there and it lets her know that yes, sometimes Mama is sad, sometimes she's scared and stressed and overwhelmed, but a lot of the time she's silly and fun and happy. Life is more of a comedy than a tragedy. You have to laugh.