Baby Shower!

I have the best sister in the world! She threw me a baby shower on Sunday and it was amazing!

It was so nice to see everyone. Being hormonal and more emotional/sentimental than usual lately, it was hard not to burst into tears every few minutes. Luckily I had a lot of laughs as well. And with a room full of Mommies there was a lot of advice, support and encouragement. I need it right now because as much as I'm excited about my baby's big arrival, I'm also terrified!

It was nice to have a day with just the girls. No boys allowed! Except little Reggie of course! Everyone was there with their daughters. It made me feel even more blessed to be expecting my own little girl. Being surrounded by them just confirmed what I already knew -- Girls are the best!

I can't wait to meet my own little girl! (Well actually I don't want her to come too early so I can wait honey! It won't be long now. Please don't come early or late. Just right on time!)

With most Moms I see a strong resemblance with their children. My cousin's daughter is absolutely her clone! She has the exact same eyes, face structure, everything! It's like seeing Tricia as a child again. It's uncanny!

I'm hoping that my girl will be a mini-me (as opposed to being a miniature of her dad...) Both M and I were fair with blue eyes so I'm guessing she'll have blue eyes. M was blond. I was actually born platinum blonde and later turned strawberry blonde/auburn. M had commented how beautiful our child would be. Too bad for him he didn't stick around to meet her.

My sister had organized a series of games. The first was a quiz where you had to name different nursery rhymes and lullabies based on the descriptions. Some of them were really tricky. I managed to get most of them. More than some of the Moms were guessing. Maybe because I've been singing lullabies and looking at baby books or maybe because I'm still a kid at heart.

One  of the games I wasn't overly thrilled about was guess the circumference of Ann Marie's big ole belly! Oh joy! So everyone was given a roll of this pregnant measuring tape thing and had to cut a piece off to try to fit around me. Interestingly no one guessed smaller than I was. Everyone guessed larger. Some much much larger! (Gee, thanks guys!)

Someone asked me if  I had measured myself. Ummm no! Of course not! Why would I? I haven't even worn a bra in months. I don't know what size I am. I know that I used to fit into a size small-medium and now I'm large-extra-large. I know that I used to be a 6-8 and I outgrew size 13 pants a while back...I like stretchy, loose things with drawstring waists. I've outgrown a lot of the clothes that used to be big on me and that I thought would carry me through but it doesn't make sense to buy more clothes now when I'm nearing the end so I just have to make do with what I have for the next month. Hopefully I don't get much bigger. Although I haven't actually seen a muumuu in the stores they are starting to sound very appealing! 

Shannon guessed spot-on and won the game! Clever girl! I'm going to keep that length of tape as a souvenir to remember the pregnant belly and compare when I get my flat stomach back again (notice how I say "when" and not "if"! Trying to remain positive. Though there are a few stretch marks I am hoping to bring my bikinis out of retirement someday...) I miss my old legs and feet too. Not that I ever really liked my feet but they are particularly hideous these days. Big, bulbous and turning various colours from red to purple to black. Some people at the shower were concerned about my swollen feet but I told them the doctor had seen them and didn't seem too worried. She just said to try to keep them elevated as much as possible. Sure. Unfortunately I don't have anyone to do things for me and the chores don't tend to do themselves so putting my feet up is not always an option!

One of my most unique gifts was this beautiful diaper cake that my friend Judith made. She's so creative! It looks like a wedding cake (and may be as close as I'll ever get to having a wedding cake! Somehow appropriate that it will be torn apart and pooped on!) It's almost too pretty to use but I'm sure when I'm changing diapers constantly I'm going to have to dip into it. Someone shared a little statistic with me that in my baby's lifetime I would change a diaper roughly 11,000 times!!! That is TMI! I REALLY didn't want to know that! I've already had baby poo nightmares. Others proceeded to tell me about baby poo that is black like tar, poo that is green, projectile, etc. Again, I really don't want to hear it! I'm trying to focus on the beautiful moments I'll share with my baby girl. The perfect Anne Geddes moments where she's sleeping like a cherub. Where I sing her lullabies and she nuzzles her head against me. Or smiles at me for the first time. Or laughs that adorable, infectious baby laugh. I'm trying not to focus on the feces and the screaming. Though I know those will happen too. Then someone tried to tell me about the belly button falling off. People, please! I'm scared enough as it is!

The girls helped me open my gifts. They were so cute. They helped me tear up the wrap, pull out tissue, untie ribbons and they listened quite attentively while I read the cards, looking at me quizzically when I'd tear up like a sentimental fool.

Shannon made me some beautiful stuffed animals -- a Mama and baby fish and a stuffed cat. As well as a blanket and some pillows. She is so talented she should have her own store to sell her crafts and artwork!

I got spoiled. So many wonderful presents. So many things that I needed. I think I'm covered now for all the major items and for clothes for the first several months. It's such an enormous help because I'm going to be on a tight budget and I wouldn't have been able to afford all these things myself. My sister generously got me this amazing stroller travel system, something I'm really going to need.

Cute little clothes, baby gear, toys and practical supplies, everything I'm going to need. Including 900 baby wipes! That made my eyes bug out. That's a lot of wiping! Hopefully I don't have any more poo nightmares...

The kids were all so cute and so well behaved for the most part. There were only a few tears the whole time (and mostly from me!)

Being the only boy there, Reggie was quite a hit with the ladies!

He's been told he looks like a young Justin Timberlake. And he was looking pretty cool in his hip Hawaiian shirt from his Aunt Ann Marie!

  

As much as I love kids, everyone has told me that when it's your own child, it's a whole other experience. That it is the deepest, all-consuming and unconditional love. I know that I already love my baby so much before she's even born. I can't imagine how overwhelming it will be the first time I see her and hold her. I know I'll be bawling!

I feel so blessed to be surrounded by loving, supportive Moms. It helps to know I'm not alone and that help/advice is always just a phone call away.

Welcome Baby! Your immediate family will be very small. Just Mommy and you (and Ali cat) at home. But your extended family is big and beautiful and fun and full of life. You'll have lots of cousins to play with, an aunt, uncles and grandparents to fuss over you.

The beautiful cake was delicious and the little souvenir booties have a spot on the bottom to write baby's name, birthday, weight and height.

My sister outdid herself (as usual). I ate way too much (I'm eating for two, not twenty! But I can't seem to stop myself when there's a buffet of food on the go!) I had so much fun.

I am so grateful to my sister for making the day so special. This baby is certainly the biggest event of my lifetime so far and it means a lot to me that she wanted to celebrate it with me. My sister, my best friend, you are truly aMAYzing! I can't thank you enough. I don't know how I'd get through this without you.

I am so thankful to everyone who came to share the day with me, friends and family. I had such a good time. You are a wonderful bunch of ladies! Thank you for the beautiful gifts!

The next time I see a lot of you I will have my baby! It won't be long now!

I was afraid I'd go into labour carrying everything into the house! My Mom, sister and niece helped me load up the car at my sister's place (the stroller wouldn't fit with everything else. I'll have to get it later), but once I got home, I was on my own. There was a lot of panting as I climbed up and down the stairs to bring everything to the nursery but once it was all in there I just sat back and smiled. I am so grateful. I got everything I needed and more than I could have hoped for.

Thank you girls for a wonderful day, for your generosity and kindness, your humour and wisdom. The greatest gift for me was realizing how blessed I am to have my own little girl on the way. 

Happy Mother's Day!



My Mom as a baby! What a cutie!

Happy Mother's Day Mom! And to all mothers out there.

Yes it's Mother's Day this Sunday. I'm having the family over to my house to celebrate. My perspective on the day is quite different this year, now that I'm a Mom-to-be. It's still so surreal to me that I'm going to be a mother! I never thought in a million years that I would be.

My niece pointed out "Now you can get Mother's Day cards and gifts!" she then thought about it and added, "but not yet..." Yes it will be a couple of years before my little one will be able to make me a card. I can't wait. I can imagine a little picture drawn with crayons "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!" with awkward little drawings of flowers and faces, words spelled wrong and letters backwards. It makes me tear up just thinking about it (yes, I'm a sap. I blame the hormones. I've always been sentimental but now I'm sentimental to the power of ten!)


My Nana, Mom and Dad


I love this photo of my grandmother (my Mom's Mom), Mom and Dad. They're so glamorous! They look like movie stars. My Mom has always been beautiful and looks very young for her age. She's actually insulted if people don't guess her to be 10-20 years younger than she is (they usually do.) I guess it runs in the family because people think my sister and I look young for our ages too. My Mom has her quirks. She's a shopoholic. She takes forever to get ready to go anywhere. She can't leave the house without her lipstick and earrings. She has about 5,000 purses in every shade under the rainbow, with outfits to match (right down to her shoes and socks, every item of clothing has to match whether it's blue, pink, purple or green for the day!) I used to shake my head and laugh at her for a lot of her idiosyncracies. The scary thing is that now I find myself doing a lot of the things she used to do. I'll catch myself and think "Oh crap. I'm becoming my mother!" I am grateful for some things. She taught me to be organized and to be a good saver. She made me a bargain hunter. She encouraged me to draw and to write, to dance and to sing. She was my first teacher and mentor. I have to admit that I didn't always appreciate my mother enough. We didn't always see eye to eye. (Actually she's 4'11" and I'm 5'7" so we've probably NEVER seen eye to eye!) A lot of the time she drove me crazy. But I love her more than anything and I am grateful to her. These days I'm more grateful than ever. She always used to say "You won't understand until you have children of your own!" I didn't figure I'd ever understand because I didn't plan to have any. I finally get it. I haven't even had my baby yet and already I feel my heart swell up with a love beyond comparison with anything I've ever experienced. And I know that it's worth anything. Sleepless nights, physical discomforts, turning into a beach ball for nine months. I know what it means to be a mother now. To love someone else more than you love yourself. To love them so much that you would do anything for them. I know how strong you have to be to embark on a lifelong journey, caring for a child. No matter how old they are, they are always your child. My baby is due July 23rd. I haven't even met her yet and I'm already feeling this way! It's overwhelming.


Mommy and me!


I feel more affection for my Mom than ever now that I have some idea what she went through. I'm also grateful for how well she took care of me, nurtured me, even before I was born. She said that while pregnant with me, she had a craving for reading. It was strange for her because she always hated reading, but for my sake she did it. She read the ENTIRE BIBLE OUT LOUD while she was carrying me for nine months! She thinks that the words got through to me and that's why I could talk at such an early age, why I excelled in school, always loved writing. I definitely think there's something to it. She was feeding my mind. And she was always there for me growing up. She wasn't perfect. She could be negative and controlling. She's a Scorpio (that's what my baby's father was. Ironically his birthday was two days before hers. Scorpions sting. It's their nature. They don't even mean to. They can be so beautiful and have a deep capacity for love, but they have a dark side. Intensity, possessiveness, viciousness -- they can wound you deeply if you're not careful.) She wasn't easily impressed. I would draw or colour something in and she would say "You could do better." It pushed me to be a straight A student. She can be frustrating. We have had some wicked arguments over the years. Sometimes she infuriates me! But at the end of the day, I love her and couldn't live without her. I talk to her on the phone every day. It was hard to leave her. She tried to keep me in the nest (I didn't move out until I was 36 so she nearly got her wish!) She's always had this power over me. Partly guilt but partly instinct. I need her love. She is the one who inspired me -- to do well in school, to strive to be the best at whatever I attempted. I owe all of my awards to her because it was to try to impress her, to make her proud. I never stopped being her little girl, looking for her approval. She never fully approved of the men I dated. In retrospect, I'm inclined to agree! She was trying to protect me. She wanted the best for her little girl.

Mom and Me, more recently

I always feel a need to tell her everything, good or bad.

She calls every day to make sure that I'm OK. Especially now that I'm pregnant. She has always been a worrier. Neurotic, negative, hypochondriac. She'll call and tell me the latest scare on the news or in the paper. She clips out articles to warn me about this and that. Sometimes she really stresses me out! My Mom doesn't know how to relax. She always seems to think of the worst possible scenario. Yet ironically when something serious happens, she becomes eerily calm and deals with it. It's like she's always prepared for the worst so when it happens, it's not that big of a surprise.  I expected shock and horror when I announced my unexpected pregnancy (after only dating Mike for a month). Instead she and my sister were thrilled. They had always hoped I would have a child one day. Mom said that she was afraid I'd regret it if I never had kids. I didn't even know my biological clock was ticking. It was the furthest thing from my mind, but now I know that it was meant to be and I'm so excited that I'm going to be a Mom. I guess they knew me better than I knew myself. They do know me pretty well. They have been there my whole life.



My sister and my niece


Happy Mother's Day May! My sister is an amazing Mom. She has always been like a second Mom to me. (A more calming, Zen version than our overly neurotic and high strung mother!) May is so warm, so loving, so understanding. She has been there for me to pick me up at some of my lowest moments. She always knows the right words to say to comfort me and put everything in perspective. She's also been there to celebrate my highest highs. She makes me laugh more than anyone and shares my weird sense of humour. We have shared so many inside jokes over the years. More than a sister, she is my best friend in the world. She has been there my whole life. She was admittedly a bit of a tyrant when we were younger. She teased and bullied me (as older siblings tend to do with their younger brothers or sisters) and when she was a teenager I was afraid of her! She was this beautiful, cruel blur that would storm into the house like a tornado and tear up anything in her path. She mellowed over the years. Actually I think it was becoming a Mom that softened her, that made her into the extraordinary person she is. She has raised three bright, beautiful children. She is smart, fun, funny, creative, kind, generous, down-to-earth, honest, reassuring, supportive, understanding, wise. She is my rock. The moments when things looked so dark I couldn't see a way out, she was the voice of reason, the voice of faith, she helped me to believe that it would be OK. She was always able to listen, to really listen and sympathize, without judgment. And she made me laugh even through my tears. You can't help but love her. I am in awe of her.

When I missed my period in November, she was the first one I called. She was the one who told me to get a home pregnancy test and the first one I called with the news afterward. I'll never forget that day (I wrote about it in my first blog post, Expecting Unexpectedly) seeing that YES + pop up in the little window. The moment I realized that my life had changed forever. I was going to be a Mom.


Mom, May and Me



I am so grateful for these two incredible women, my Mom and my sister. I can't imagine life without them. I see them all the time. (Usually once a week.) I talk to them on the phone. When anything happens, they are the ones I need to tell. They are my safe place. I am so lucky to have them in my life. Especially now that I'm about to be a Mom myself I depend on them for their guidance and friendship. I am glad that they will be there for me when I have the baby. I'll be relying on their support and advice every step of the way. There's so much I need to know! They are pros at this. I have no idea what I'm doing! I've read books but nothing compares to real life experience. I can only hope that I can be as wonderful a Mom as they have been. They are very different but they have each raised some extraordinary kids and should be very proud. I love our family. Mom and May are the heart of the family. I love the guys too of course (Dad, brothers and nephews) but as I mentioned in my previous blog post, the bond between women is like no other. These girls are my heart and soul.



People come and go throughout your lifetime. These two have always been there and will always be there. They've accepted me at my worst and helped me to be my best. I admit I'm not always a picnic! I have been a bit of a drama queen through the years. (The angst-ridden goth days of my teens and 20s when my world was painted black.) Bouts of temper. (Hey I'm not only part Irish and part Italian but I'm a fiery redhead and an artist to boot, so what can I say?) But they let me be myself and loved me anyway. I think I have mellowed out over the years. I wouldn't have been ready to have a child before now. I guess God knew that. He waited until I was ready. It seemed like such a strange twist of fate, especially the way it all happened but I believe it was destiny. I'm still terrified. I still don't really feel like a "grown up"! But I have a couple of amazing teachers to get me through. And I will rely on their expertise when I'm stuck. I will probably be calling them at least ten times a day after the baby is born!



The girls and the beach -- my favourite things!



Mom and May, I love you guys more than I can possibly say. No matter what life has thrown at me, it is the two of you that got me through. I am happy that we are so close. It seems that life is always changing and you never know where the next bend in the road may lead, but no matter what, I know that you will always be part of my journey. You will always be my home. The constant, the certainty in my life.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for loving me when I didn't deserve it. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a Mom. I only hope that I can be as brave, devoted and loving as the two of you have been and raise a child as wonderful as the ones that you have raised.

Being a mother has got to be the toughest and the most rewarding role that a woman can ever take on. You are responsible for someone's life. You help that child to grow into an adult, to become the person that they are meant to be. More than feeding, clothing and caring for them, you nurture their souls. You teach them what life is, what love is. You share their joys and sorrows. You give them your whole heart.

Mothers, you are angels. Beautiful. Loving. Powerful. You are as close to God as we can get in this world -- you create life. Your love is what keeps the world going. Without you, none of us would exist.

I'm proud to join your ranks. Being a Mom will be the most daring, most important thing I have ever done. I never thought I'd see the day.

Happy Mother's Day to me too!

Sugar and spice and everything nice...

I survived my glucose screening test! I was dreading it because (as I've mentioned before) I have a terrible phobia of needles/pain/blood to begin with and the thought of chugging back a sickening sugar drink then watching the clock for an hour, psyching myself out before the needle, didn't sound too appealing. Surprisingly, for the first time in my life, I DIDN'T FAINT when I got the needle! I'm not sure why this time was different. Maybe the baby made me stronger (she was nudging me a little during the test as if to say "It's OK, Mom!") Maybe being loaded with sugar helped. I think I actually have low blood sugar (I have low blood pressure) which contributes to fainting spells. After losing blood, I tend to feel weak, lightheaded. Or maybe it was because rather than resisting a fainting spell, this time I was fully EXPECTING it. I was surrendered to it, prepared for it. If "what you resist persists" (Carl Jung) then I guess what you surrender to retreats. I was prepared for the worst so it didn't wind up being so bad. They gave me the glucose drink which I had five minutes to consume, in the waiting room in front of an audience. A couple of the ladies were smiling at me knowingly, either because they had been through it themselves while they were pregnant or they were just enjoying watching someone else's discomfort. I made a bit of a face after the first sip but got used to it after a few gulps. It wasn't really THAT bad. It was orange flavoured. It had a C-plus/Tang/Gatorade feel to it -- none of which I like but which are tolerable. It was a bit sugary but I have a sweet tooth (Coca-cola is my weakness) so I could take it! I had the foresight to bring a magazine (which was good because they had nothing interesting in the waiting room) to occupy me for the hour while I waited for the sugar to go through my system. I read how Jessica Simpson was so petrified of the pain of labour (particularly after seeing her sister suffer through a 30 hour labour) that she wound up requesting a C-section for her delivery. It was the kind of magazine whose headlines are often suspect (or dead wrong) so I took the story (and the rest of the magazine) with a grain of salt but it was entertaining and did manage to pass the time. Before I knew it, I was on the last page and it was 5 minutes to bloodletting time.

"Ann Marie -- Room Number Two."
"Am I allowed to go to the washroom?" I asked sheepishly.
"Yes."

It was a relief because after an hour, I needed to go. I was also kind of hoping I'd eliminate all the sugar from my body and pass the test with flying colours so I wouldn't have to take the subsequent three hour test they subject you to if you fail the first. That one would be worse because you even have to fast beforehand. I think I'll be fine. If anything I believe I have low, not high, blood sugar. I've always had low blood pressure. Of course they have to test you to be sure you don't have gestational diabetes. I did try to cram for the test. I altered my diet, limited my sugar the day before the test so there wouldn't be a surplus in my system. I had extra vegetables rather than fruit, plain chicken and spinach for dinner. I drank milk and water rather than any juice. I didn't even have OJ in the morning as I usually do. (I was actually surprised by the sugar content in juice. You think that juice is healthy but fruit has its own natural sugar and in juice form it's even higher. I may start watering it down a little.)

I had plain oatmeal au natural (without sugar. It tasted like sludge. It reminded me of the line from "Goodnight Moon" -- "and a bowl full of mush." Quite different from the super yummy flavoured Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal. Mmmm. Mind you it's only 14 grams of sugar which isn't the end of the world.) I don't know if that's considered cheating. To me it was sort of like cramming for the dentist. I don't floss for a year and then the day of my appointment I brush my teeth four times and floss the heck out of my teeth and gums. They end up bleeding a little. I'm not a fan of going to the dentist either. I am honest when they ask though: "Have you been flossing?" "Truthfully no. Just today..."

So I get to Room Two and I warn the girl that I am a fainter. She kindly led me to another room where I could lay down instead of sitting up for the needle, which is helpful. She was very understanding and comforting. She said that a lot of people are squeamish of needles and feel a bit sick. I told her I was embarassed that I was such a wimp and that I didn't know how I'd ever survive labour.
"You'll do fine," she encouraged. "Is this your first child then?"
"First, last and only! Unexpected miracle baby. I'm 42. I actually thought I was going through early menopause. Didn't think I could be pregnant."
"Congratulations! That's awesome. Wow you don't look 42. I would have guessed you were much younger!" So that was nice to hear. The needle didn't hurt that much. I tried to relax. I breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth. The baby moving was a bit of a distraction. When it was over and she put the cotton ball and bandage on me, I waited for the familiar aftermath -- perspiring, vision going spotty etc -- but this time it didn't happen. I didn't faint! Woo hoo! Maybe I am getting stronger...

The nurse asked me if I knew what I was having. I was tempted to say "A baby!"

"A girl, I'm hoping." I explained, "but they could only be 70% sure at the ultrasound..." That was the 19 week ultrasound that was supposed to determine the sex definitively, but baby wasn't cooperating. My doctor wasn't going to send me for another ultrasound because the baby appeared healthy and she had no concerns. When I pouted she said "I guess I could send you for another at 32 weeks." That sounded so far away but now it's just another 4 weeks away. I'll remind the doctor to give me a requisition at my next appointment. I do want to know for sure. BEFORE the delivery.  At my last doctor appointment the doctor referred to the baby as "she." Everyone just seems to be operating under the assumption that it's a girl. Myself included. It just has to be a girl!

Mini beachwear! Can you stand it?



Little dresses are so cute!

 
I already have pink clothes. Most of the donations and gifts I've gotten so far have been pink. And I couldn't resist picking up a couple of little girlie outfits myself. Tiny little dresses. Even a miniscule bathing suit and sunglasses. Yes this baby HAS to be a girl! I'm a girlie girl. I couldn't relate to a boy. I don't like sports. Their clothes are boring. Their toys are boring. And frankly, after what I've been through (having my heart broken by a series of boys, most recently and dramatically by the baby's father) the male gender is not my favourite right now. It would be tough. Of course I would love my baby no matter what. I have loved boys. My nephews and the sons of single dads that I had dated in the past. I know that boys can be fun and sweet and an adventure. Girls can be higher maintenance, more demanding than boys. But I've been thinking girl all along. I'm counting on a girl. Sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm really not prepared for snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

Some people asked didn't I want to be surprised and why did it matter? Easy for them to say when they're married and have a boy and a girl. This is my one and only child and will be my life companion. Of course it matters and of course I want to know! Why would I want to be surprised? I'm a control freak! And I think I've had more than my share of surprises already! (Becoming pregnant at all was a shock and then being abandoned by the baby's father was another. No more surprises please!) Yes of course I would still love a baby boy but I would need to be PREPARED. I would have to rethink a lot of things. I'd have to come up with a name for one. I'm set on Michelle now for a girl (it was a play on her father's name which doesn't bother me, it was also my best friend's name when I was a kid. But if it's a boy I'm sure as heck not naming him Mike!!! Though I have known some wonderful Mikes -- my brother included -- I couldn't name my son after his deadbeat dad. No way.) I would need some boy clothes. Some people suggested it doesn't really matter for the sleepers because the baby wouldn't know the difference and no one would have to see them but I'd feel guilty putting a boy in pink. I couldn't do it. My Mom tried to tell me that between spitting up and messy diapers that I'd be going through six sleepers a day. I think she's exaggerating. If it's a girl, she's covered from 0-3 months. If it's a boy, I'm screwed.

I knew a woman who wanted a little girl so badly and had a boy instead. She and her hubby tried again, thinking the next child was bound to be a girl. By the end of it, she had four boys and never did get her girl. Of course she adored her sons and spoiled them rotten, but it was heartbreaking to never get the little girl she had dreamed about. I'm only having one and I'm hoping she'll be a girl, a girlie girl like her Mama. I'm really hoping the baby will not take after her dad. Or if she does that she'll get his few good qualities and skip his many tragic flaws. Of course our child could very well inherit traits from both parents but I believe people are products of nature and nurture. You are born with certain traits but the way that you are raised helps to shape the person you become. My ex had a tragic life and it damaged him beyond repair. No matter what my child will be raised with a lot of nurturing and love that was absent from my ex's formative years. I will do everything in my power to raise a happy, healthy, strong, well-adjusted child. Everything that he wasn't. I think that a mother's love is the most important foundation any of us can have. Mike missed out on that (his mother thrown in jail when he was one) and it scarred him for life.

Though not scientific, we did our own testing very early in the pregnancy to determine that it was a girl -- the "ring test" (where someone holds an object on a chain over your belly. You hold it still and let the energy of your body direct the object. If it circles, it's a girl. If it swings back and forth, it's a boy) and it circled for a girl. Each time we tried it, it circled. Yes it sounds like silly superstition but I believe there's something to it and my sister said it correctly predicted each of her children -- boy, girl, boy. (Then again it might be coincidence and the odds are 50-50.) I felt in my heart all along that my baby was a girl. I already named her and even her father, when he was still in the picture, was calling her "Michelle." The ultrasound technician did say 70%. Those are pretty good odds. Better than 50-50 anyway.


Me with my niece Shannon as a baby



Aside from a brief stint as a tomboy in my younger days (where I refused to wear dresses and ran around with scabby knees chasing frogs and snakes) I was always a girlie girl. I hated sports (with the exception of track and field where I seemed to excel. I was a very fast runner and could win any race. I liked to pretend I was the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman. I was also good at high jumps, long jumps. I won the award of excellence in "Canada Fitness." It was organized sports that I couldn't do. I couldn't throw, catch or hit a ball to save my life. I hated gym class. I was always the last one picked for the team.) I loved Barbie. I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Beautiful, glamorous and powerful. I'm hoping for a girl that will love to dress up, dance ballet, sing, love art, writing, acting. I always wanted piano lessons and ballet lessons but my parents couldn't afford it. I'd love the chance to put my daughter through ballet. Is there anything cuter than a pink tutu?! Of course I wouldn't force her into anything she didn't want but if the interest is there I will certainly encourage and support her every way I can.


Shannon & me on the beach last Summer



My niece, Shannon is a beautiful girlie girl. With a pink and purple princess room. She likes wearing dresses. She won't even wear jeans. She's a lot like me -- she loves cats, she's an artist (quite a talented painter!) and a writer (clever, creative and imaginative, she's already written and illustrated several of her own little books. One is about a group of cats making a trip to a tropical island.)

I imagine having my own little girl. Playing with dolls. Having tea parties. Going shopping. Dressing up. Confiding in each other. Giggling. Hanging out at the beach together. I'd love to live on a beach someday. It's still my dream. I'm hoping my girl will love the water. I'm hoping she'll love Barbie. That's one thing Shannon never got into. Girls today don't seem to have the same affinity for Barbie that they did in my generation. Shannon had no interest at all. Everything had to be cats. I loved Barbie when I was younger. I would role play with her. She was a rock star, a spy, a superheroine, all the things that I wanted to be.


"Madame du Barbie" by Bob Mackie

Decades ago I discovered collectible Barbies and got into the hobby (back when I lived with my parents and had a disposable income.) I was even in a Barbie club with a bunch of gay men. It was a hoot. We went to conventions and on road trips. We had monthly meetings. A lot of the guys in the club were designers and on one occasion even dressed me up as a living Barbie! I don't collect them anymore but I have my collection in glass display cabinets. Barbie used to have her own room (the guest room) but was relegated to the basement when Mike moved in. It's just as well because now that room is available for the nursery. My little girl will inherit my collection. I won't let her play with the designer ones until she's old enough not to destroy them! The Bob Mackies are my favourites. When people asked me why I collected them I realized that it was a combination of things -- partly nostalgia for my childhood and partly wanting to live vicariously through Barbie. I will probably never have an opportunity to wear a Bob Mackie gown. But Barbie does. "We girls can do anything, right Barbie?"

I may be biased but I just think that girls are superior to boys. From what I've seen they are smarter, they learn faster, they communicate better. They are more fun. They are more sensitive. As babies they seem to develop much faster. They're easier to toilet train. They walk, talk and do everything sooner than boys do (at least from the majority of families I've seen.) Of course I know it's not all sugar and spice. Girls can be moodier, more demanding, more high maintenance, more complex. And little girls grow up to be teenagers and that can be scary! I'm sure I will be an overprotective Mom. I wouldn't want her to date until she's 30! And I would try to keep her away from the sort of characters that I often ended up with! In fairness, most of my long term boyfriends were basically good guys, just wrong for me. But some of the ones I fell for (including and ESPECIALLY my baby's father) -- Hoo boy! I may not have been very cautious about my own well-being but I'm not letting some monster get his mitts on my little angel! At the same time I don't want to be so controlling and restrictive (shades of my own mother) that it makes her want to rebel. It's a delicate balance, parenting. You want to give them enough discipline and structure to show them that you care and want to protect them. At the same time you have to allow them enough independence and show them enough trust that they can be their own person. My Mom never wanted us to be independent. She didn't want us to leave the nest. She almost got her wish with me! If you missed my previous post, I didn't actually move out of my parents' place until I was 36! I kept thinking I'd leave when I got married but then I never got married. I finally bought a house on a dare and here I am a few years later, a single Mom. So I got the house and the child, I just skipped the whole husband part. What can I say? Mr. Right never showed up. Maybe he will someday. Maybe I've done everything a little bit backwards but it's OK. I know a lot of people who did the whole natural progression from marriage to house to baby and it didn't pan out so well. Then they find themselves later in life, divorced and having to start all over. If I ever get married (and that's a huge IF at this point!) it will be for good. I wouldn't go into it if I wasn't 100% sure. There's too much at stake. I'm not dating for at least a year and even after that I would be very careful who I would let into my life. My child is my number one priority.

The bond between girls is so strong. Of course I love my father and my brothers but I'm so much closer to my Mom and my sister. They're my heart, my home, the ones who know me best and that I'm closest to. Even though my Mom drives me crazy sometimes, I can't imagine life without her. I talk to her every day. My sister is my best friend. I trust her implicitly. She's always been there for me. We have so much in common. I feel so comfortable with her. And she makes me laugh like no one else. My father was quiet and distant. It was my Mom that did the lion's share of the parenting. Dad just sort of had a background role. My brothers come to visit occasionally but not very often. Usually just on special occasions. Overall, I feel like women are closer. They are the glue that holds a family together. Women confide in each other at a level that men don't seem capable of. Men don't seem to have the same capacity for caring, tenderness, closeness. To me, having a little girl means having a lifelong companion and friend. I don't know that it's the same with boys. There is a saying -- "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife. A daughter's a daughter all of her life" and I definitely think there's something to it. I think the relationship between mothers and daughters is so much deeper.  My Mom, sister and I get together all the time. Girls are more sensitive, sentimental, thoughtful. More loving. More open. At least from what I've seen. (I'm generalizing here! I know there are some exceptions to every rule!)

"Mermaid Mother and Baby" by AMP



My little tropical backyard

Time is flying and there's still so much I want to do before the baby comes. I can't believe I'm in my third trimester, the home stretch. We're already into May and July is coming up so fast! The nursery is painted now but I still need to get the furniture from my sister (her hubby is going to bring it in his truck.) As part of the ocean theme I'm going for in the nursery (with walls painted turquoise already) I'm doing a series of mermaid paintings. This is one I've finished so far. I've always loved mermaids and I'm obsessed with the ocean. I'm not giving up on my dream of living on the beach someday. I'm hoping my daughter will love the beach as much as I do.



For now I have a backyard beach consisting of a palm tree, a sandy beach with lounge chairs, a flagstone patio and hardy tropical plants. I got the idea a couple of years ago after a trip to the Dominican. I wanted to recreate my own little tropical paradise here at home (though being in Canada, winter kind of puts a damper on the whole thing!) I always loved the feeling of sand in my toes. My nieces and nephews (as well as boyfriends' children) have played here in past Summers but I never imagined that one day I'd have my own child to build sandcastles with in my backyard.



A friend of mine when I told her that I was pregnant said that even before finding out she'd had a vision of me with a baby, but at the time she didn't know what it meant. She never imagined I'd be pregnant. (Anyone that knew me knew that I didn't plan to have children.) My friend is a little clairvoyant. She has had visions before that have come true. For example she kept seeing this log cabin in her mind and then one day saw it in real life, just as she had pictured. It turned out that it was part of her family history that she didn't know about. Even before hearing my news, she had a vision of me at the beach, in a bikini (hopefully I can get back into bikinis after the baby!) kneeling at the water's edge and holding a little girl up in the air. She had a little bathing suit and a sun hat on and she was laughing as I lifted her over my head. I have visions of walking on the beach, splashing in the water, playing in the sand. I can see us sleeping in a hammock. Having breakfast on the deck watching the sunrise. Yes I'm not giving up on my dream of living at the beach. But now there's a little girl there with me. And maybe someday a nice man to join us too. Until then we still have a sandy beach and tropical garden in the yard. We are surrounded by images of the ocean, palm trees, mermaids and fish. We have a bit of paradise here at home.

My life and my dreams are changing. The baby is my focus now. I won't stop being me. I will always try to make time for creativity -- writing, singing, painting etc and I'm hoping it's something I will be able to share with my child as she gets older.  But my baby will be my world. Especially in the beginning when she'll be dependent on me for everything. There is so much to share with her, to teach her. And I will no doubt learn from her. It will be good for me. It will help me appreciate the beauty and the magic of the simple things in life, seeing them again through her eyes. I want to be a good Mom, a Guardian Angel, a teacher, a friend and companion. I want to support and encourage her. To give her everything she could want. To make all her dreams come true, whatever they may be. And I will be there for her through anything.

This is the latest lullabye I've written for my baby -- "Right by your side." I already feel the bond between us and I know that I will always be there for her, for the rest of my life. Right by her side, supporting and loving her every step of the way.