Thursday, October 4, 2012
A year ago...
Maybe it wasn't the iced capp that got me pregnant. Maybe it was the balloon... After celebrating my mother's birthday (two days after his, strangely enough) Mike was joking around, picked up a balloon and shoved it under my sweater like a pregnant belly. I screamed and pulled it out. "Don't put that into the universe!" But it was too late. A week later my period was replaced by an exclamation point. I was pregnant. I had never missed a period in my life. Not even in my 9 year relationship. This guy gets me knocked up inside of a month! And in my 40s when I'm not even supposed to be very fertile anymore! (He was younger though, 31 years old and apparently the most fertile man on earth!) I guess it just had to be. For whatever reason. He was the one to give me my Michelle.
It stings (he was a scorpion after all) but it's bittersweet. Sometimes I think about everything that's happened and I cry. Then I look at Michelle and smile. He was the worst thing that ever happened to me but he led to the best thing. So how can I completely hate him? I don't know how he could do what he did and live with himself. I don't know if he's just forgotten about us or if he's haunted. I don't know if he was just heartless or a coward or whether he was trying to do the right thing because he was a mess and wasn't fit to be a father. I guess I'll never know. Of course I hated him at first. But at some point you have to let the anger go, for your own sake. Forgive means to loosen, to untie. Holding on to resentment and rage keeps you a prisoner. Forgiving someone who has wronged you, sets you free. I hate what he did but I don't hate him. How can I not be at least somewhat grateful to him for this unexpected gift, this miracle? Michelle wouldn't exist without him. And I can't imagine life without her now. She is my life. If I had a time machine and could go back I would not undo it. I couldn't because I adore Michelle more than anyone or anything I've ever known on this earth. I know that she was meant to be.
One day Michelle may ask me about her dad. I'm not sure what I'll say. I suppose I'll just have to tell her the truth. That I don't know. I don't know why he left the way he did. Maybe I can hazard a guess. He was a broken boy and I couldn't fix him. He never had a family, never had a home, never had a love he could believe in. Maybe he didn't think he deserved it so he threw it away when he finally found it. He didn't know how to be happy. He stepped out of the way so that we could be. He didn't want to drag us down. That's what I'd like to believe.
Throughout your life there are so many choices and decisions. Some are monumental. Others seem deceptively small. Going for coffee, or an iced cappuccino, with someone seems like a pretty insignificant life decision in the scheme of things. But one small act can change everything.
I believe in Fate. I believe people come into your life for a reason. Some are meant to stay, others are meant to go. Some are just there long enough to give you what you need -- a lesson, a gift, whatever it may be. I was looking for love and I have found it, in a way I least expected. Not with Prince Charming, but with a Princess. My angel. My little girl.