Walking alone!

At nine months Michelle was pulling up, cruising and could take a couple of wobbly steps but she wasn't quite walking on her own. I was leaning over breaking my back, holding her hands to help her walk down the hallway. (Actually that started at 7 months but I used to have to hold her chest and over time I could loosen my grip and hold her arms or her hands instead.) Now at 10 months she can walk down the hall and from one room to the next all by herself! The first time she came waddling toward me from way across the room was exciting, for Michelle and for me. Now there's no stopping her.

It's a big relief on my back not to have to bend over to guide her along anymore. It was killing me. It's great that she can entertain herself and I don't have to worry (as much) about her getting hurt. Each day she gets better at walking and can go further without stumbling.


I did some decluttering to give her more room to move. She seems to walk better on the main floor where I have ceramic tile and hardwood than she does upstairs on the carpet. She has a habit of curling her toes under. The hard floor underneath her gives her more stability. The only problem is that it's not very forgiving when she falls. Fortunately 99% of the time she falls on her butt. She did have one slip up where she hit her head on the closet door. She had a bump at first but I put some frozen peas on it and by the next day you couldn't see anything.

Of course I had to record this milestone on video so I got some footage of her walking, carrying her monkey, falling and getting back up etc. Here is the video on Youtube:

 



I read that babies can start walking any time after 9 months but most don't really master it until a year or so. Of course there are the daredevils who start to walk at 7 months (apparently I did but back then I had the help of a walker to hone my skills. They're against the law now.) Some don't walk at all until 15-18 months. It depends on the child, their confidence level and opportunity. In some ways I think I was holding Michelle back. She might have walked even sooner. I was a little overprotective and used to surround her with pillows and try to keep her safe in a very small area. As I became more relaxed about letting her move more (well, relaxed isn't the right word. I don't think I've ever quite been relaxed in the past 2 years! I just gave up trying to control everything because it seemed impossible and allowed her a bit more freedom) she became more adventurous. Of course the more practice a child gets the faster they learn.

Now Michelle loves walking around. She has even started waving her hands around and gesturing (must be the italian in her!) as she chatters away in her own little language while she walks. Most of it sounds like gibberish but occasionally they sound like real words, a sort of blend of English, Italian and French (maybe she picked up a little from me here and there.) Her new favourite sound is "Buh." She has a whole series of nonsense words that start with "B" -- Bway, bnew, booey, booyay etc. She has started doing a cute backward hand wave that I think may be an Italian thing too. She is certainly very expressive -- physically and vocally.

She loves picking things up and carrying them as she walks around. Unfortunately she usually picks things (like laundry or her pet monkey) that drag the floor and then she winds up tripping on them. She is still doing her "Awww" thing and snuggling with her stuffies and with me. I'm glad she's such an affectionate little girl. Her pink monkey is her favourite stuffy though she also loves her giraffe and her clown fish puppet.

Although I'm thrilled that she's walking now and it's so much fun watching her, obviously there is stress that comes with it as well. I will have to start locking up the cupboards so that she can't get into everything. Already she pulled a package of cookies off the table and spilled them all onto the floor. I didn't think she could reach the top of the kitchen table. (I had a craving for Arrowroot cookies dipped in tea. I only got to have a couple before she pulled them all onto the floor. It's a good job I didn't have the tea close to the edge. Strangely enough her father wouldn't let me eat the cookies either. He ate almost a whole package himself and then when I tried to eat one he even ate it right out of my hand!)

Also now that she's mobile it seems like she can't settle down. She stopped having her afternoon naps (she would rub her eyes but then refuse to go to sleep and just be super-cranky by dinnertime) and still wouldn't sleep at night. She didn't settle down until midnight and still woke up at the crack of dawn. As another Mom told me once they start walking it occupies their minds to such an extent that it interferes with sleep. It's tough when  Michelle doesn't sleep not only because it means I don't get time to myself to get things done but also it makes her cranky and impossible to deal with when she's overtired.

It's so surreal to me when I watch her becoming an independent little person. Sometimes she looks over at me and smiles like she's quite proud of herself. I'm proud of her too. "Clever girl!" I encourage her. Watching her waddle along is quite entertaining. I've decided that from the back she looks like a cross between a little drunk man leaving the pub and the old man from Sanford and Son (if you weren't a child of the 70s this will mean nothing to you!) Michelle has even started dancing a little bit when a song comes on that she likes or sometimes when I sing. My Mom told me I loved to dance as a baby too.

I heard that at a year old a child is considered a "toddler" and no longer a baby. As I watch Michelle toddling around there's a part of me that is sad she'll only officially be a baby for a couple more months. Of course she'll always be my baby girl, no matter how old she is. It's hard to believe that just 10 months ago she was a helpless little newborn who couldn't hold her head up and now she's strutting around like she owns the place. Other parents warned me and it certainly is true --They grow up soooo fast. Time is flying. Photos and videos (and this blog) are my pause buttons, my way of holding on. I will always cherish these days with Michelle.

Knock it off!

Michelle's favourite pasttime is clearing the shelves. Whether it's books or bears she will pull them off one by one and throw them on the floor. Not to play with them or look at them, just for the sheer joy of making a mess. It started when she was 9 months old. Now she's 10 months old but she doesn't seem to be tiring of it any time soon. If anything she seems to enjoy it all the more as time goes on. She will even stare at me and smile as she throws things on the floor one by one. I say no and she does it anyway. I'm not sure how long this defiant stage will last (maybe the rest of her life?!) I decided it was kind of cute anyway and made a video of her pulling the bears down. Here it is on Youtube:

I tried to explain to her (as I have before) that just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. After tidying the nursery for the third time I would turn around and the floor would be covered in teddy bears. I tried to make light of it and sing the Teddy Bear Picnic but it was getting old. We had a hot couple of days (I don't have air conditioning) and my patience with everything was wearing thin. "Just leave it until she goes to bed" my Mom told me, explaining that all kids go through the phase where they want to throw everything on the floor. That's the other problem. She doesn't always go to bed. Sometimes she doesn't settle down until 11 pm and by then I'm exhausted and go to sleep myself. Even then she continues to wake up the rest of the night. Then she's cranky and impossible the next day and frankly I'm pretty cranky myself.

Michelle has been more difficult lately than ever and her timing couldn't be worse because I'm already stressed and stretched to my limit. Lately it seems she fights me on everything. Mealtimes are a battle. It's awful because she needs to eat solid food now more than ever since I'm weaning her off breastmilk but sometimes she just won't eat. It's so frustrating. I don't know what to do. I always had toys on the tray of her high chair to entertain her. Now she knocks them all off. She screams that she has nothing to play with so I pick them all up again only to have her knock them off. One. by. one. She likes to play with spoons and bowls so I give her a few of them. It entertains her for about two seconds and then bang, boom, they're on the floor. "If you're going to keep knocking them off I'm not going to pick them back up!" I threaten but then I cave in, like a dope and pick them up yet again. Lately she'll scream and stiffen herself out half the time refusing to eat even the things that used to be her favourites. Some days she'll eat really well and I'll be relieved. Other days she'll barely take two spoonfuls and then shakes her head and cries. "Ma!" she yells when she doesn't want anymore and shakes her head. I heard that you're not supposed to force a child to eat but what do you do if they just won't eat?

She also fights sleep. Even when she's so tired she's rubbing her eyes sometimes she still won't go for a nap or go to sleep at night. Then she's crankier than ever and complains about everything. Maybe this is her reaction to my cutting down on breastfeeding through the day. Her acting up on top of all the other stress in my life (which I don't even get into in this blog because it would take a whole other blog in itself and I barely have time for this one) is just about putting me over the edge. My Mom thinks that Michelle feeds off my stress and that it's a vicious cycle between the two of us. She stresses me out then I stress her out ad infinitum. I try to relax but it's difficult with a demanding, impossible baby and everything else I have to do without help.

It's hard when you get no break. The closest thing I had to a vacation was a trip to the dentist recently. I used to hate going to the dentist but now it's a peaceful refuge from the chaos at home. Ironically you'd think I'd be looking forward to going back to work to have a break from Michelle but instead it makes me sick to think of leaving her. I also worry about my Mom watching her. Even my Mom is concerned she may not be able to handle it. She's only ever babysat Michelle for a couple of hours at the most. I don't know what Michelle is going to think either. She's used to me being there 24-7. She may think I've abandoned her. She won't understand where Mama has gone. It breaks my heart.

Some days it seems like everything is weighing on me so much I just may crack. I try to keep my sense of humour but when you're stressed about everything (finances, life, work, home, not to mention raising a baby on your own) and on no sleep, it's not easy. Weaning may be taking a toll on me as well. Emotionally and physically I'm going through a big change. I was warned that hormone levels can drop dramatically when you start to wean. My monthly visitor is back (some people were surprised my periods didn't come back sooner but perhaps it was because I used to nurse so often). At least I don't get cramps anymore (I used to get unbearable ones before having Michelle but I guess after labour anything else is a cakewalk!) I do still get PMS moodiness and for whatever reason PMS makes my IBS that much worse. Sorry this is WAY TMI (too much info).

As tough as things have been, I try to look at the bright side. Some of the hardest moments of my life became cherished memories over time. I may look back on these struggles at some point and laugh. Right now it's tough. Some days I don't know how I'll cope with everything. Picking up teddy bears is the easiest thing to do these days. It's everything else that's not so simple to sort out. I have faith that somehow it's all going to be OK. It's just scary when I don't know how.

Even on her worst days Michelle always has at least a few moments that melt my heart and make me smile. She's getting better at walking every day. Now she can even make it across the room. When she takes her little excited wobbly steps toward me and falls into my arms, I could almost forgive her for anything. Despite the difficulties I have to remember how precious these days are and how lucky I am to have this sweet, feisty, impossible little girl.