BUTTERFLIES!

Michelle wants to be outside all the time now. I have to be careful that my little red-haired girl doesn't get a burn so I try to keep her in the shade or slather her in sunscreen when the sun is unavoidable. The weather has been perfect so I've been taking advantage and taking long walks with her, trips to the park etc. I wanted to do something new and different with her so I thought of going to the Butterfly Conservatory. It's like being outside indoors in a gorgeous tropical paradise. It had been years since I'd been to either the one in Cambridge or Niagara. I know it was always magical to me and I thought she'd be excited. The Cambridge one isn't as big but it's less of a drive so I thought I'd give it a whirl. At least kids get in free under 2 years old. So if she was cranky and throwing a tantrum we could leave and it wouldn't be the end of the world.

It wasn't too long of a drive but Michelle was getting crankier by the minute. She had a good morning nap but hadn't had her afternoon nap yet. I started to worry that she was either going to fall asleep just as we got there or be fussy the whole time and not even enjoy it. Luckily she perked up and was thrilled when I took her out of her car-seat. I just carried her in my arms. I figured the stroller would take up too much room and I might run over a butterfly. I'd just hold her and then let her down to walk a little if she insisted (and yes, she did insist.)


As expected, Michelle was over the moon with excitement. We entered this tropical paradise (and it was HOT. I was so glad I had dressed light because I remembered how balmy they keep those places -- at Cambridge and Niagara --  even though it was relatively cool outside I wore a little halter top. Carrying Michelle most of the time made it feel even hotter. I did let her down to explore and it was hard to keep her from running.) and it was magical. Butterflies were flying by our heads, landing on leaves and I was frantically trying to capture it all. I kept changing from sport mode to macro to portrait mode and nothing seemed to work. I ended up with many blurry shots. I wanted a perfect shot of Michelle AND the butterflies but it seemed like I had to choose one or the other and even that was difficult.

I'm not sure what is a bigger challenge -- to capture a fluttering butterfly or a running baby! I think it's a tie. It was hard to get a good shot of either alone never mind both. My fantasy was to get a shot of a big beautiful Blue Morpho on her shoulder as she stood there posing, still and smiling, perfectly. Yeah, that didn't quite happen. At one point a Blue Morpho actually landed on me but when I asked a stranger to please get a picture for me they didn't grasp the concept. They were focusing in on the butterfly and my leg. WTF. What's the point in that? It could be anyone's leg. That's no souvenir! "No," I tried to explain, "if you could please get a picture of my daughter and I WITH the butterfly." He looked at me like I had three heads (perhaps I did at that point.) He didn't even have a camera. He probably thought I was nuts to be taking pictures anyway. He was just there because his wife dragged him. I should have known better. There was nowhere to set a self-timer and in ten seconds the moment would be lost. His wife who was sitting on a bench looking weary herself (I guess the kids had dragged her there as well) tried to take one for me but she wasn't much help either and the butterfly moved on to other legs and shoulders. The opportunity was lost.

I am a photoholic. I don't just LIKE to take photos. I NEED to take photos. If I miss a photo op it physically HURTS! I have this obsessive need to capture every moment, especially those once in a lifetime magical moments like your favourite butterfly landing on you. Anyway I settled for taking a picture of one on a teenaged boy's shoulder. "Don't move!" I said, "There's a beautiful butterfly on your back!" The poor kid stayed there like a statue while I (and a few other passersby) snapped photos of the elusive Morpho.

I did meet a very nice girl who had made friends with one of the butterflies (it stayed on her shirt for over an hour) and put the butterfly on my sunglasses for a picture(unfortunately you can barely see the butterfly in the photo). I should have had her put it on my shoulder or something. I really wanted one on Michelle but she would have been grabbing at it and butterflies are so fragile you can't handle them. She was also far to rambunctious and wouldn't stay still. Butterflies tend to land on people who are sitting on benches still as statues. Not curious grabby fingered little infants running amok!




I managed to set up the self-timer and got a couple of shots of us together. I tried to get pictures of Michelle on her own walking (make that running!) around but it was too stressful trying to hold the camera and run after her to keep her out of trouble. I got a couple of raised eyebrows from people. They probably questioned my judgment letting my baby run around on a stone floor that God knows how many people, insects, birds and turtles had trafficked but she can't walk in shoes (I've tried with her and it isn't pretty. Last time she ended up banging her head pretty hard on the wall. She walks around like an animal with boxes on its feet. If you have ever tried dressing a cat or dog in shoes or socks you have some idea how awkward and silly it is) and she was so excited she would not stay in my arms the whole time. Besides, even being the control freak that I am I have to let loose a little. I have to give her some freedom to explore. And I can always clean her feet afterward (which I did.)

I managed to get a couple of good shots of butterflies at least. I had to keep switching from macro mode to get close ups of the insects and back to portrait mode for Michelle. It was tough taking pictures at all with Michelle wriggling in my arms or running amok with me chasing after her. Several times a really beautiful butterfly would land right in front of us but then fly away before I could get the shot. Or they wouldn't open their wings. There were other tourists like myself trying to get the perfect shot. One woman implored a butterfly "Open your wings! Please!"

So I was relieved I wasn't the only crazy photoholic there. I tried not to talk to the bugs at least though I admit I did talk to the birds and the turtles a little.

Michelle was thrilled to see the turtles. The whole experience seemed to blow her mind. All the people, the creatures flying and walking around, the scenery (including beautiful tropical plants and a waterfall) were miraculous to her. She was pointing at everything, shaking her fists the way she does when she's overcome with excitement. She was even trying to say "butterfly." It came out "bubba!" and "buh-fly" which I thought was pretty good. I was so glad I had taken her. I want to try to do more things with her. I used to worry how she would be on car rides and going places (if you follow my blog you know that it used to be a nightmare trying to take her anywhere. She screamed in the car and out in public. I finally even resorted to ordering groceries online in the winter.) Since she's been walking she's becoming more adventurous and wanting to see and explore new things. Now she gets excited to go new places. She especially loves the freedom to walk and run around rather than being strapped in a seat or stroller. It's funny because before I had kids I would have thought "Isn't that awful? Some crazy woman letting her kid run around barefoot? Disgusting!" Now I realize that if it makes your child happy and it isn't going to kill them, it's easier to just let them do it. I really don't care what anyone thinks.

After numerous failed attempts, I finally decided that I was never going to be able to capture Michelle and the butterflies the way I wanted in a photo so I took some video clips instead. Even these were mostly just me running after her telling her to slow down but there were a couple of moments that you see the butterflies fluttering around her and she was like a little fairy in the forest. Here's the video on Youtube:

When my camera card ran out of memory I took it as a sign to leave. We went in the gift shop and I was hoping to get her a cute little stuffed butterfly. Unfortunately all they had was a bin full of stuffed ants, bees, wasps, anything but butterflies. Was I in the Twilight Zone? How do you not sell butterflies in the gift shop at a BUTTERFLY CONSERVATORY?! I asked the cashier just in case I was missing something. "Sorry. We must have sold out." Sold out? Why wouldn't you order a million of them? Why wouldn't you have a limitless supply?! They had butterfly balloons but I was ballooned out after her birthday and still have them in her room (my sister said the mylar ones last an eternity. They may never go down!)

I wish I could afford to give Michelle the world, literally. I wish I were wealthy and could fly her all around the world to experience different sights and sounds and cultures but the truth is there is a lot to discover even right near home. Everything is new and exciting to her. There is beauty to be found everywhere in nature. Even in your own backyard. She loves spending time at the park.

I want to take her to a petting zoo and a real zoo sometime soon as well. She still does a roaring sound whenever you say "tiger." She gets excited just seeing geese and ducks at the park or seagulls on the beach.

Her 12 month checkup and needles went well. The doctor was amazed how well Michelle is walking (make that running) now and by how many words she can say (I want to make a list but I think it's close to 50 now.) She says at least one new word every day. It always catches me off-guard. She was playing with a whale and I asked her if she can speak whale (think Dory from finding Nemo) and out of the blue she said "whale" well it was more like "way" but a pretty good effort I think! She's also healthy at 19 lbs 4 ounces (no wonder my arm is breaking!) The way she was walking around and chattering at the office my doctor said she's very advanced for her age. "You must be doing something right," she said. I try to do everything right. I thought she was going to lecture me about sleep training when I told her I'm still co-sleeping with Michelle. I told her I don't have the heart to let Michelle scream for hours. The doctor shook her head and said "It's OK. You don't have to. Do what feels right for you. When she's older she'll have her own room but right now it's OK to be with Mom." It felt good to have her permission. Most people tell me I'm crazy and I have to "sleep train" Michelle. I love her more than anything and I refuse to torture her just because it's what people think I should do. There is no "should" as a mother. When it comes to most things there are no black and white answers. It's all grey area. You do what you feel is right as a Mom and you can't let anyone tell you differently. As the doctor said, Michelle is doing very well, happy and healthy and bright. So I can't have messed up too badly.

Life is quite a rollercoaster. Sometimes you plummet. Sometimes you soar. I had some really rough days recently. Not just with Michelle (though she can be VERY high maintenance!) but other stresses in my life. Sometimes I don't know how I'll make it through but then I find strength I didn't know I had. Somehow things turn out OK. I just have to not worry so much. The important thing is to focus on what matters. And sometimes you have to get out and enjoy the beauty that is out there. Take time to smell the roses, follow the butterflies and talk to the geese. Michelle reminds me that life is fun and not to take it so seriously all the time.

Hot to Cold

Ironically after my Mom going on and on about the measles (there was apparently an outbreak in Burlington or something. Mom I haven't even been to Burlington lately! Anyway...) Michelle suddenly had a big red dot in the middle of her forehead. It looked a little like a pimple. It had a white head with a red circle around it. I didn't even know what measles looked like. She only had the one dot. I didn't think you could get "measle" singular. In any event I wasn't taking any chances and made an appointment to take her to my family doctor immediately (no more walk-in clinics for us after meeting Dr. Disagreeable last time.) Of course by the time we made it to the doctor a few hours later, the red dot had vanished as if by magic. I felt a bit silly and hypochondriacal (is that even a word?!) but I thought it can't hurt to have her checked out anyway. It had been a while.

The doctor was quite impressed that when she called Michelle, Michelle walked into the office by herself! "She's walking early?!" Doc exclaimed. The secretary got up from her desk to check it out. "She's walking really well!" She has been getting a lot of practice and her steps are getting much steadier.

The doctor checked Michelle out and she was healthy overall. Her temperature was normal. It didn't look like there were any teeth breaking through her gums. The doctor said she might just have a little case of the sniffles and it would go away on its own. The dot was probably just a heat rash or something. Michelle's skin is so sensitive. I was relieved that Michelle seemed to be doing better, whatever it was. Teething or common cold. Aside from her fever going down there was a break from the heat weatherwise too which was a huge relief for both of us.

Then we went for a visit with friends (Cathy, Rosie and Gwen) and as we sat outside Michelle's nose started to run. We thought maybe it was allergies because her nose hadn't been running at all before that. That night it turned into a full blown cough and cold. She was up all night screaming, coughing, her nose running like a tap. Brutal. Then of course I was sneezing too. Runny nose. Cough. It was awful. Michelle was uber-cranky and would barely sleep at night or nap in the day for the next couple of days. Though I had been trying to wean her prior to all this, since she's been sick I've been nursing her through the day again. It's a comfort thing and I also know from the doctor that breast milk is full of antibodies to help her fight off the cold. Since I'm sick as well my body would be producing even more antibodies. It figures when I only have another week off with her before I return to work that we are spending it sick. I hope it goes away soon.

At least we did have a nice visit with the girls. It had been months since they'd seen Michelle and I. They were surprised she was walking so well already.

Sitting on a blanket on the grass keeps Michelle from wandering off because she's still afraid of walking on the grass. I tried to tell her that it feels nice on your bare feet but she just shook her head and screamed when I tried to place her little feet on the grass so I didn't push. At least it's one way to keep her in one place now that she's running amok and getting into everything most of the time. I want her to get used to grass though. Sand will be another hurdle. I have to get her used to it before our first trip to a real beach so she doesn't freak out there (though I guess I could just carry her to the water.)

Michelle is becoming very headstrong. She wants things her way instantly and gets quite angry if things don't go right (I don't know WHERE she gets that from! OK I do. My Mom says my sister and I were the same.) She will pick things up -- like a container with a lid -- and she wants to be able to screw the lid on and off herself and if she can't she throws a tantrum. My Mom says it's because she's so bright. She's driven to learn. She wants to figure things out. She wants to be able to do everything right now. Walking has given her a sense of independence. As long as I stay in one spot she'll leave the room knowing she can come back to me when she's ready. She doesn't like it if I try to leave though. I've taken her to see my Mom a few times so she'll be used to seeing her a lot. She does feel more comfortable with Mom which is a relief since she's my child care when I go back to work soon.

I'm amazed at how much Michelle knows and understands. Sometimes I test her just for fun. I'll ask her "Where's the pink ball?" and I'm not even sure she knows the colour pink or what a ball is because I haven't asked her before but she'll walk past all the toys on the floor and get the pink ball. She even started trying to put shapes in the shape sorter. She even had the right shape (the star) to go in the right star-shaped hole but she couldn't quite turn it around right to get it in so she got mad and threw it. Even when I'm not speaking to her she listens to conversations and if there's a word she knows, she responds to it. Anytime anyone says "head" even on TV she touches her head. She waves "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone (even characters on TV) with a cute little italian backwards hand wave that I love. I'm constantly praising her "Clever girl!" and she claps her hands and looks quite proud of herself. My Mom says it's like having a baby me all over again. Curious. Affectionate. Moody. Demanding.

Rosie asked me if Michelle was a snuggler. "Yes she's very affectionate. She snuggles with me and with her toys, especially her favourite monkey." Gwen apparently isn't snuggly at all. Every baby is different. I don't know if it's nature or nurture -- most likely a combination of the two. I have always showered Michelle in attention and affection so that has probably taught her to be a hugger. One thing she definitely didn't get from me (perhaps a little of her father's evil. He never hit me but he had a scary temper and we had some terrible fights) is a violent streak. Sometimes she'll hit me. I'll look shocked and she'll laugh and do it again. I'll say "That's not nice! Don't hit Mama! Poor Mama!" She probably senses I'm not really mad. It's usually hard to stifle a laugh actually though once in a while it does hurt. As soon as I show disapproval she'll lean her head on me and go "Awww." So manipulative. (Her Dad to a tee! Do something to hurt you then do something sweet so you forgive him.) "That doesn't make up for it!" I tell her. But it actually does. When she hugs me and nuzzles against me I could forgive her anything. Yeah, I'm a sucker.

After our visit I asked Michelle "Remember the black cat at Cathy's house?" and she reached for her black cat book (it looks like a stuffed cat but it opens up to a little board book which is mildly disturbing now that I think of it. Hopefully she doesn't think all cats open up with a story inside.) She understands so much more than I expect that my Mom said "You better be careful what you say now." Sometimes Mama loses her patience (with drivers on the road etc) and I step out of Disney Rated G mode for a moment. She still chatters away in her own little language which often sounds like French. The only really intelligible word that stands out is "Mama." She says it differently now. Plaintively. It tugs at my heartstrings. Even when she's being difficult. I will never tire of hearing it.

As we approach July I'm realizing that this 8 post a month quota I had set for myself (I'm not sure why. I just wrote 8 posts in the beginning and then felt like I should be consistent. I wanted to keep a record of Michelle's first year as a baby and there was usually something new to write about every few days.) is going to be close to impossible. I will definitely want to write a post about Michelle's first birthday in late July. I may write one or two posts a month but with my return to work and other things going on in my life I'm not sure I'll be able to blog as much. And part of me thinks maybe we'll just "go off the grid" so to speak. I reveal so much about our lives here and maybe I shouldn't. It's a window into our lives and makes it too easy for someone to watch Michelle growing up from a distance if he chose to. Frankly I don't think he has the right to know anything about her. I'm not sure he does read this. I try to think if it were me, I'd be too curious not to (then again if it were me I would NEVER be able to abandon my own child in the first place). Or maybe it would be too painful. Perhaps he wants to just forget. Or maybe he really doesn't care.

There was one day I was driving with Michelle and I looked at her in the rearview mirror. She looked back at me. She wasn't playing, wasn't fussing, was just sitting quite still for a moment and she looked older and wiser than a baby somehow. Suddenly I got a chill. It was Mike. She looked so much like him it was as though he were staring at me himself. Those beautiful blue eyes that cast a spell on me back in the Fall of 2011. Then she smiled and grabbed her toes and she was my little girl again. For all his flaws, I really can't completely hate her father, he has given me the greatest gift of my life. I can't believe she's turning 11 months in a day and 12 months next month. The past year has flown by in the blink of an eye. I am grateful to have photos, videos and this blog to remember so many happy moments.

She may run hot and cold. She may exhaust me physically, emotionally and in every conceivable way. She may drive me crazy 50% of the time but she is without a doubt the most wonderful, most beautiful, most incredible thing that ever happened to me. She is my love. She is my life.

Grampa Day!

I'm actually not even sure if it's supposed to be spelled "Grampa" or "Grandpa" -- to be honest neither really looks right to me. I've decided that Grampa is closer to how it sounds (though in the English language you can't always go by that. I mean look at the word laugh!) Anyway I suppose it's informal either way and doesn't matter. When I was in school if you spelled a word wrong you had to write it out 30 times until it was tattooed on your brain. Now the internet generation has "creative spelling" and "phonetic spelling," abbreviations (what a long word that is, ironically!) and slang no one seems to care about spelling anymore. I always prided myself on spelling but Grampa isn't a word I ever really needed to write until recently. My grandparents all passed away when I was younger and I didn't have children (or expect to!) until Michelle. Anyway, enough about that! I'm going with Grampa!

We had a nice Father's Day celebration with my Dad at Auntie May's. My Mom at one point had called it "Grampa Day" when she was talking to Michelle. I suppose in the future I will have to call it Grampa Day for her sake since she doesn't have a father. I wondered fleetingly if he (Mike, Michelle's deadbeat dad who skipped out when I was 4 months prego) thought of us at all. He may not have even realized it was Father's Day or paid any attention. Since he never knew his own father it probably wasn't a day he ever celebrated. (He did have adoptive parents eventually but apparently didn't bond with them. He only referred to them as "the adoptive parents" when he spoke of them and didn't even call them to wish them Merry Christmas.) I don't think of him often anymore but once in a while he does cross my mind and I wonder how he lives with himself knowing he left us without a word, explanation, apology or anything even to this day. It's unfathomable to me. I guess I'll never understand and never know the truth.

Michelle had a great time walking around at May's house. She circled around and around the hallway, living room and kitchen. My sister put a gate up to block the stairs. That's one thing I don't have to worry about at my place. I can just shut the basement door and she can roam around the hallway, family room and kitchen. I got a little bit of video of her in the hall just before we had dinner. Here it is on Youtube:

My Mom said that seeing Michelle walking around was like having her little Ann Marie back again. I definitely do see the resemblance when I look at old baby photos of me. The same hair (or lack thereof!), same eyes, same smile. Same feistiness too according to Mom. Michelle has been impossible lately. Moody, cranky, refusing to nap. At least she wore herself out at my sister's place running around all day. By the end of the day she was so exhausted she could barely move. She still insisted on trying to walk and was staggering more than usual, would fall, cry and then drag herself back up again. I picked her up and told her she didn't have to keep moving. The second we loaded her carseat into the car, she was out like a light. She slept most of the way home then woke up screaming. I sang a little to settle her down. When we got home I nursed her and she wound up sleeping through the night until 5 in the morning! She had never slept that long without getting up. She must have really been exhausted.

My dad is a little hurt when Michelle won't go to him but she's making strange with just about everyone now. She even screamed when my Mom tried to take her. It seems like now that she's walking even though she's becoming more independent and can move around on her own, she's become more dependent on me. She panics if I'm not there even for a second to go to the bathroom. I don't know how on Earth we're going to get through my return to work. My sister said Shannon was the same way. She would scream whenever my sister left. Even at two years old. It got to the point where she had to just sneak out so there wouldn't be a big scene. I try to sneak away when Michelle is playing but the second she turns around and doesn't see me, she screams. If she decides to walk away on her own that's fine. As long as I stay put she knows she can come back to me as she pleases. But if I try to walk away, she's not having it. It seemed like she was warming up to Uncle Chris when he talked to her and tickled her but when I asked if she'd go to him and he held out his arms she turned away from him and nuzzled in to me as if to say "Hell, no!"

I understand why she is so dependent on Mama. I have been her whole world pretty much for the past 10 months. Though she is eager to explore the world and is starting to get into everything now that she's walking around, she likes to know that Mama is right there. I am her safe place. Though she does see Gramma (that looks even more weird than Grampa but Grandma doesn't seem right either...) quite often she doesn't see anyone 24-7 the way she does me. It is going to be heartbreaking to leave her when I return to work. I just hope we (Michelle, my Mom and me) survive it.

She does enjoy seeing family and will smile and laugh at them provided I'm right there but as soon as I try to leave the room she goes ballistic.

I remember when I was younger and had an idea of what true love would be. I imagined that some day I would be completely loved and needed by someone. At the time I expected it to be a man, of course as my sister always told me no love compares to that of a child. None of the men I loved ever quite lived up to my vision of love. Now Michelle is my world and I am hers. It is rewarding but exhausting too. I wished for a powerful, all-consuming love and I sure got it. Careful what you wish for!

Walking alone!

At nine months Michelle was pulling up, cruising and could take a couple of wobbly steps but she wasn't quite walking on her own. I was leaning over breaking my back, holding her hands to help her walk down the hallway. (Actually that started at 7 months but I used to have to hold her chest and over time I could loosen my grip and hold her arms or her hands instead.) Now at 10 months she can walk down the hall and from one room to the next all by herself! The first time she came waddling toward me from way across the room was exciting, for Michelle and for me. Now there's no stopping her.

It's a big relief on my back not to have to bend over to guide her along anymore. It was killing me. It's great that she can entertain herself and I don't have to worry (as much) about her getting hurt. Each day she gets better at walking and can go further without stumbling.


I did some decluttering to give her more room to move. She seems to walk better on the main floor where I have ceramic tile and hardwood than she does upstairs on the carpet. She has a habit of curling her toes under. The hard floor underneath her gives her more stability. The only problem is that it's not very forgiving when she falls. Fortunately 99% of the time she falls on her butt. She did have one slip up where she hit her head on the closet door. She had a bump at first but I put some frozen peas on it and by the next day you couldn't see anything.

Of course I had to record this milestone on video so I got some footage of her walking, carrying her monkey, falling and getting back up etc. Here is the video on Youtube:

 



I read that babies can start walking any time after 9 months but most don't really master it until a year or so. Of course there are the daredevils who start to walk at 7 months (apparently I did but back then I had the help of a walker to hone my skills. They're against the law now.) Some don't walk at all until 15-18 months. It depends on the child, their confidence level and opportunity. In some ways I think I was holding Michelle back. She might have walked even sooner. I was a little overprotective and used to surround her with pillows and try to keep her safe in a very small area. As I became more relaxed about letting her move more (well, relaxed isn't the right word. I don't think I've ever quite been relaxed in the past 2 years! I just gave up trying to control everything because it seemed impossible and allowed her a bit more freedom) she became more adventurous. Of course the more practice a child gets the faster they learn.

Now Michelle loves walking around. She has even started waving her hands around and gesturing (must be the italian in her!) as she chatters away in her own little language while she walks. Most of it sounds like gibberish but occasionally they sound like real words, a sort of blend of English, Italian and French (maybe she picked up a little from me here and there.) Her new favourite sound is "Buh." She has a whole series of nonsense words that start with "B" -- Bway, bnew, booey, booyay etc. She has started doing a cute backward hand wave that I think may be an Italian thing too. She is certainly very expressive -- physically and vocally.

She loves picking things up and carrying them as she walks around. Unfortunately she usually picks things (like laundry or her pet monkey) that drag the floor and then she winds up tripping on them. She is still doing her "Awww" thing and snuggling with her stuffies and with me. I'm glad she's such an affectionate little girl. Her pink monkey is her favourite stuffy though she also loves her giraffe and her clown fish puppet.

Although I'm thrilled that she's walking now and it's so much fun watching her, obviously there is stress that comes with it as well. I will have to start locking up the cupboards so that she can't get into everything. Already she pulled a package of cookies off the table and spilled them all onto the floor. I didn't think she could reach the top of the kitchen table. (I had a craving for Arrowroot cookies dipped in tea. I only got to have a couple before she pulled them all onto the floor. It's a good job I didn't have the tea close to the edge. Strangely enough her father wouldn't let me eat the cookies either. He ate almost a whole package himself and then when I tried to eat one he even ate it right out of my hand!)

Also now that she's mobile it seems like she can't settle down. She stopped having her afternoon naps (she would rub her eyes but then refuse to go to sleep and just be super-cranky by dinnertime) and still wouldn't sleep at night. She didn't settle down until midnight and still woke up at the crack of dawn. As another Mom told me once they start walking it occupies their minds to such an extent that it interferes with sleep. It's tough when  Michelle doesn't sleep not only because it means I don't get time to myself to get things done but also it makes her cranky and impossible to deal with when she's overtired.

It's so surreal to me when I watch her becoming an independent little person. Sometimes she looks over at me and smiles like she's quite proud of herself. I'm proud of her too. "Clever girl!" I encourage her. Watching her waddle along is quite entertaining. I've decided that from the back she looks like a cross between a little drunk man leaving the pub and the old man from Sanford and Son (if you weren't a child of the 70s this will mean nothing to you!) Michelle has even started dancing a little bit when a song comes on that she likes or sometimes when I sing. My Mom told me I loved to dance as a baby too.

I heard that at a year old a child is considered a "toddler" and no longer a baby. As I watch Michelle toddling around there's a part of me that is sad she'll only officially be a baby for a couple more months. Of course she'll always be my baby girl, no matter how old she is. It's hard to believe that just 10 months ago she was a helpless little newborn who couldn't hold her head up and now she's strutting around like she owns the place. Other parents warned me and it certainly is true --They grow up soooo fast. Time is flying. Photos and videos (and this blog) are my pause buttons, my way of holding on. I will always cherish these days with Michelle.

Happy Birthday times two!

My niece Shannon and nephew Reggie were born on the same day, eight years apart. It still blows my mind and is proof that the Universe works in mysterious ways. I would think with 365 days in a year the odds of having two of your children born on the exact same day (even if you tried) would be astronomical, unless of course they were twins!

We celebrated their birthday(s) recently and it was a chaotic event with the whole gang there (both my brother in law's family and my sister's). I was relieved and happy that Michelle was so good for the event. You just never know. It could have gone either way. She didn't have much of a nap so I expected her to be cranky but I think she was fascinated by all that was going on and having little kids running around.

Reggie was trying out his "Angry Birds" face for the picture. Most of his gifts had an Angry Birds theme. I don't quite get it myself. From what I understand it's a video game/cartoon and series of toys and other merchandise based on birds being angry with pigs for trying to take their eggs. Someone is making millions of dollars from a simple idea.

Michelle always loves being at my sister's place. She enjoys seeing her cousins and she likes having so much room to move. My sister joked that maybe Michelle would start walking at May's house because it's the place she first crawled perfectly. When it was time for dinner I asked my Mom to keep an eye on Michelle while I quickly grab a plate. Michelle was playing on the floor in the living room. Next thing I knew my Mom was in the kitchen too. "Where's Michelle?" I asked her. I looked over and saw her standing in the middle of the floor by herself. My dad was still in the room to watch her. She seemed to be doing fine on her own. She can stand for quite a long time now and when you approach her with open arms she will take several stumbling steps toward you. "It's only a matter of time. She'll be walking on her own any day now!" someone said.

She kept getting caught up in her dress as she tried to walk and crawl. It was a little big on her. The straps didn't adjust. We ended up tying them at the back with a ribbon. It's so hard finding things to fit her now. She can wear anything from size 9 months to 12 months depending on the brand. She's tall for her age but quite slim so pants are often falling off of her. Dresses really aren't practical, especially when she's crawling and learning to walk but I love putting dresses on her. She's got several pretty little dresses and I want to make sure she wears all of them before she outgrows them. With her hair still so short you really wouldn't know she was a girl if I didn't dress her in dresses and girlie colours. Even dressed in pink sometimes when we're out people will ask "How old is he?" or "Is it a boy or a girl?" I can't wait until her hair is long enough to put it in little pig tails. Sometimes the ends curl up a little and my Mom thought maybe she'd get curly hair like her cousin Reggie.


Some days she's difficult and cranky and other days she's my perfect little angel. It all depends on how much sleep she gets but her sleeping is impossible to control or predict. Sometimes she'll settle down for naps and go to sleep at night no problem. Other times she refuses to nap and complains that she's tired all day but still doesn't sleep at night. She's my moody, unpredictable little redhead.


Shane's Aunt was at the party and telling me that she had a redhaired child who was so hyper and intense that they would "vibrate." My Mom piped in how Michelle clenches her fists and shakes with excitement. I am glad that Michelle is so intense. I love watching her excitement. I also love that she is so affectionate. She loves to snuggle and say "Awww" with me, my Mom, her favourite stuffed monkey etc. As difficult and demanding as she can be sometimes it's worth it to have my complex, fascinating, unique little ginger girl. I wouldn't have her any other way.

Cruising

Every day is a surprise now. You just never know what she's going to do. All of a sudden, Michelle WALKED! On her own! Mind you, it was only a few steps but obviously she's getting the concept so hopefully (er..I mean frighteningly) it's probably only a matter of time before she can walk alone. On one hand I'm anxious for her to master walking so I don't have to bend over to help her along and don't have to run constantly to catch her from falling. Mind you then I'll have a whole new set of worries. The day she took her first fledgling steps she initially pulled up on the ottoman as usual but then suddenly she let go of it and stood there quite casually playing with a toy. Not holding onto anything. Then, without warning, she took a couple of steps over to the couch. I stared in awe, my hands out to catch her if she stumbled but she made it on her own.

Michelle is cruising. It almost makes me want to set up furniture at her level all over the house to give her a path to move from one piece to the next. I know that this is the first step in her walking on her own. She is still very wobbly and looks like an old man stumbling home from the bar but it's a start! She tends to lean forward a lot so if I wasn't there to grab her she'd fall flat on her face. She seems to like to walk on her tiptoes as well. I tried explaining to her that she'd have better balance on flat feet. Maybe she'll be a little ballerina. My Mom said I loved walking on my toes as a baby. (Incidentally I always wanted to take ballet but Mom said we couldn't afford it. When I was older I learned that it was too late. You pretty much have to start when you're 4 years old to be a dancer for real. If Michelle wants to dance I'll do everything in my power to make it happen.)

  

The first time I heard about "cruising" in the baby sense was months ago when we had gone to the public playtime and a 10 month old boy stumbled onto my lap. "Sorry" his Mom said "he's cruising. Making the rounds." He was making his way around the room moving from one object and person to another. I was just one of the signposts along his wobbly journey. I remember thinking how surreal it was that in a few months Michelle could be walking. I remember before she could sit up and I got so excited when she could finally sit without toppling over. Then in no time it was second nature to her. Babies change so fast at this stage. From one day to the next. So much to learn. So many milestones. They go from being a helpless lump unable to even hold their heads up to being a little individual with a unique personality talking, walking around, playing, laughing. That's why I couldn't miss this. Not for all the money in the world. (Even though financially things have been tight on maternity leave. To make matters worse recently my car failed the emission test and I had to have it repaired. I started to tear up a little when he told me it failed. The guy felt so bad for me he didn't charge me for the re-test where thankfully it passed. When you're trying to budget yourself so that you don't buy anything but necessities like groceries, unexpected expenses are a KILLER!)

Michelle has even started standing up in the middle of the floor sometimes. Pushing herself up without holding on to anything. She gets up on her feet and looks quite proud of herself but then she goes to move and falls forward. I'm always there to catch her. Sometimes she'll take off like she wants to run and I can barely keep up. I've gone from bending over and holding her tummy (which is MURDER on the back!) to having one finger in each of her little hands lightly as she runs along. She seems more confident and more stable all the time but I don't know when she'll actually be able to walk completely on her own. It could be any day now. I read that babies can start walking anywhere from 9 months to 12 months and are usually walking well by 15 months. Some babies are a little sooner and some a little later. Each child is different. In my family we were early but we had walkers back then as training. (And of course they were dangerous. My sister left the basement door open one day and I apparently landed face first at the bottom of the stairs in my walker. I'm not sure when they started banning them. I guess after one too many babies was seriously injured in them.)

Michelle seems to understand more and more all the time. Words, expressions. She mimics gestures. She tries to say more and more. "Mama" is still my favourite word. She even has her own made up language and laughs when I repeat her nonsense words like "fnew" and "etna." She knows how to manipulate Mommy and get what she wants. She knows how to placate Mommy when I'm at the end of my rope. She can make my heart melt. As soon as she knows she's in trouble (hitting or scratching Mama, knocking my glasses off my face etc) she will nuzzle her head into my neck and be my sweet girl. She has even started saying "Awww" because I go "awww" when she does something sweet. She'll even lean her head on her hand or hug her little stuffed monkey and go "Awww." A little actress already! Drama Queen like Mama. Great. I can't even imagine when she's a teenager.

Some days I'm so stressed out with everything going on that I don't know how I'll cope. My sister is always the best person to talk to -- the calm, nurturing, supportive voice of reason when I feel overwhelmed. She should have been a social worker or motivational speaker or something. She always helps me to put things in perspective. She reminds me -- one thing at a time. One day at a time. I'll start worrying about things months from now and that on top of my daily stresses just puts me over the edge.

Lately the weather has been beautiful again so I've been going out to get some fresh air with Michelle. It helps me to breathe and find my Zen again. Often Michelle will fall asleep in the afternoon in her stroller which is a bonus because then I can just bring the carseat in and get some things done while she naps for a while or keep her outside with me while I pull some weeds and do some gardening. She seems to like sleeping out in the fresh air. 

Recently we went for a walk through the park. No matter how hectic life can get, sometimes you really do have to stop and smell the flowers. Michelle wasn't too sure how she felt about the grass. She's not a big fan of sand either. She will get used to it of course the more time we spend outside. I'm hoping to spend a little time at the beach this summer at least. I got her a little pair of water shoes because I figured they'd be soft and pliable enough for her to walk in. At home she's barefoot but I wanted her to have some shoes for when we're outside (not that she can walk on her own yet but I thought she should get a little practice on different surfaces.)

I can't believe we're halfway through May already. I know I must sound like a broken record but time really is going by way too fast. I want to hold on. It's heartbreaking. I've been trying to wean Michelle gradually. I've gone from nursing her every two hours to three and now even increased it to four. I know that I will have to have her almost completely weaned by July when I return to work. I still can't imagine how I'm going to survive it. I don't want her to feel like I'm abandoning her. She's used to having me there 24-7. Soon I'll be gone all day. She's used to nursing all the time. Soon I'll be cutting her down to 1 or 2 feedings a day or none at all (I don't want to cut her off entirely. I know there are so many benefits to breast milk. I may even try to keep pumping milk even after she's completely weaned so she can still get the nutrients.) The doctor said I can start giving her whole milk in July. I may try to introduce cow's milk gradually as my Mom suggested, in cereal etc. I'll have to sleep train her in June so she's ready for when my Mom is watching her on the nights that I won't be there. It's overwhelming. I don't want to leave her. I'm afraid it will be hard on her and on my mother but it may be worst of all on me. As challenging as it is to care for her all the time on my own, I am so attached to her I can't imagine not being with her every second. It's tearing me apart.

I am grateful for the year that I've had with Michelle. It has been a blessing. I will always cherish it as the best, most beautiful (and sometimes most harrowing!) time of my life. I still have another month and a half at home with her. I have to enjoy the present rather than worrying about the future. Each day is a gift and an adventure. I can't wait to see what she does next.

The Ottoman Empire

Michelle can stand for several seconds holding onto the ottoman. She likes to "walk" around (with me, hunched over, guiding her and my back is definitely paying the price!) and cruise down the hallway or move from one ottoman, stool, couch -- or any other object of the right height -- to the next. She wobbles like a drunk old man leaving a pub, staggering and holding on to things. It's only a matter of time, I suppose, before she can do it on her own and then a whole other world of stress will begin. As much as my back could use the break, I know that once she is truly mobile, I'm in serious trouble. I still have to install the baby gates, remove all the breakables and put plugs and child safety closures on everything. I've been reading "What to Expect the First Year" and it has me REALLY stressed out. Things I never would have thought about, like those door stopper spring thingys that go boing -- apparently the plastic part can come off and is a choking hazard? I really don't know what I'm going to do short of removing everything from my home. Even with that, the main floor is hardwood and ceramic tile. Very unforgiving when she falls. Though I changed out my glass coffee table with a storage ottoman, there are still other hard surfaces and corners to bump into. I can't cover everything with padding. Even in her nursery she could bang her head on the dresser or bookcase. She's already been scooching around, pulling herself as opposed to crawling and I've had to stop her short before she banged her head on something. My stress level is starting to rise.

I got a video of her walking with me down my hallway. She has been practicing her steps at my sister's place and mine. She was almost running for a while here but she seems to have slowed down somewhat. Or maybe she was a little camera shy (any time I try to capture something on video she won't do it. I should try to hide the camera!) Here is the video on Youtube:

I kept waiting for things to get easier. In some ways they had. She was behaving better in the car and out in public, not fussing as much. She sleeps for the most part in the car and even when she wakes up seems interested in looking out the window. She was eating well and sleeping well. Her new routine was oatmeal at 7 pm and then nursing her at 8 pm after which she'd fall asleep and only wake up to nurse and go back to sleep every few hours. Amazing! I could actually get things done. Until suddenly one night she woke up after five minutes (while I was trying to grab a shower) and wouldn't settle down until midnight. Then she still woke up at the crack of dawn. The next day she was cranky all day and rubbing her eyes but wouldn't sleep. She finally had a nap mid-afternoon but still seemed out of sorts. Maybe there's too much going on in her mind. She's trying to take it all in. She's on the verge of one of the biggest steps of her life -- her first actual steps on her own. Right now she has me and my aching back to hold her but I can tell she wants to move on her own.

She is developing an independent streak. She gets frustrated when she wants to do something and can't. She tries to do things herself. She loves sipping water from her sippy cup. She tries to do it herself but usually ends up pouring it all over herself. When I ask "Do you want some water?" she kicks her legs and shakes her fists and smiles from ear to ear. I've never seen anyone get so excited over water. You'd think she was in the desert. I guess just because it's different. She was relegated to warm milk for 6 months so I guess a nice cold glass of water is a welcome change. Though she doesn't seem to like variety when it comes to food. She hates just about everything now (even things like green beans which she used to like) except cereal, sweet potatoes and pears. I tried experimenting with different foods. Broccoli was her least favourite to date. I should have snapped a picture of the face she made. One day it even made her cry. Each new food I give her for 3 days to test for allergy. A lot of them I just won't bother to buy again because she won't eat them. At least she likes her cereal -- rice, oat and barley -- particularly oatmeal. I've made it a nightly routine for her and I to have our oatmeal (mine is Maple and Brown Sugar. Mmmm) before she settles down to bed. It usually works like a charm. My Mom thinks that cereal is comfort food and helps you sleep. I guess a full tummy helps. I'm thrilled that she likes Sweet Potatoes with Turkey so she's getting some protein. I've tried mixing chicken into regular sweet potatoes. She'll usually tolerate it. I just have to be careful not to put too much chicken in it. Pears remain her very favourite food. She likes apples and bananas too but she goes over the moon for pears. Peaches were a flop. I sampled a little and couldn't blame her. I love the actual fruit but for some reason the baby version was just sickening. Too sweet (and this is coming from someone who loves Coca Cola!) I was surprised she didn't like corn. It's always been one of my favourites. It doesn't have a lot of nutritional value so I probably won't get it again. I just thought if it was something she liked I could mix other things with it. God help me if she ever loses her taste for sweet potatoes! She did eat some of the beef with spaghetti but she wasn't in love with it. My Mom said she always thought those mixed baby foods wouldn't be nutritional enough. I said if I can get her to have a little bit of meat it's more than worth it.

She's developing a sense of humour as well. She keeps knocking my glasses off and laughing. She laughs her head off if I make a silly face or noise or voice. She understands more of what I say and reacts to it. The other day she passed gas and I asked her if she tooted. She found that hilarious. I would later learn that she found it so funny because she'd done more than tooted. She had pooped. Her poo now, since starting solid food, is UNGODLY. It stinks to high heaven. I can't believe something so foul can come out of an innocent little baby. No one warned me. I'd been accustomed to her breastmilk poo which was essentially odourless. For 6 months it was a non-issue. I had an open wastebasket for diapers in the nursery. Now since starting solid foods I had to put in a steel garbage can with a lid and it still smells.

Pretty soon I can start giving her finger foods. At eight months babies are allowed to nibble foods that will dissolve in their mouth -- like little pieces of bread, soft cheese, pasta, Cheerios. That will be exciting. I know that she'll love feeding herself. It will be a bit nerve-wracking too. I'm so scared of her choking on something. I will be so careful with just little bits at a time and will never give her anything dangerous (nuts, hard fruit etc). She still doesn't have any teeth or the beginnings of any. Hopefully teething won't make her fussier and keep her up at night when it happens. My Mom got me a little mesh thing that you can put fruit in so that they can suck on it and get the juice without eating the actual fruit. It will be interesting to see her taste a real pear. They're not quite as sweet as the baby version. Finger foods will definitely be an adventure. After seeing how excited she got over a glass of water, I'm guessing Cheerios will really blow her mind! She's constantly putting her toys in her mouth (and trying to put anything else she comes across in too but I stop her when she tries to chew books etc -- except the bath books) so it will be fascinating to her I'm sure that she can put things in her mouth that actually taste like something. I will try to get a video of her eating Cheerios for the first time.

When I see her holding onto the ottoman and I let go for a few seconds, it's scary to think that one day she will stand without holding onto anything, then she'll be taking her first wobbly steps alone. It's hard to let go. I remember when she was a newborn and I was so overwhelmed with her crying all the time and feeding almost constantly but part of me now looks back at that time and thinks "in a way it was easier." She was helpless. She needed me. She couldn't move around or do anything on her own. She couldn't get into trouble. And she didn't weigh so much to carry her. Yes although she does like to be independent sometimes, there are other times (usually when she's overtired/cranky) when she will not let me put her down and it KILLS my arms, wrists, back. Still I am excited about where she is now and where she's going. In some ways it's easier, in other ways it's harder but it's a rollercoaster and I'm enjoying the ride.