My baby is a head banger!

I'm not sure how it happened. It's not as though I've been playing heavy metal music but Michelle has become a head banger. When she's sitting on my lap sometimes she'll rock and bang her head on my chest. That seemed harmless enough. It hurts me more than her. When she's sitting on the couch and bangs her head against the back of it it's so soft and cushiony that she just bounces forward. The worst is when she bangs her head against the back of the high chair. Though there is a bit of a pad on it it really isn't that cushiony so she's hitting her head against hard plastic. Sometimes when she really hits hard she starts to cry. I tried explaining to her to stop it and that she was just hurting herself but to no avail. I'm not sure if it's out of boredom or frustration or whether she just started doing it because she realized she could. Someday soon I hope she'll learn the lesson that just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

I remember seeing a scene in a movie while I was pregnant where a baby was standing in his crib and banging his head against the bars repeatedly. I think it was the movie "Change Up" which incidentally is a hilarious film about two men becoming switched after inadvertently casting a spell at a magical fountain. The single one ends up in the married father's body and vice versa so they each get to see how the other half lives. Anyway, at the time I thought it was so far-fetched. "As if a baby would actually do that!" Now I realize that it is possible. As babies discover new and different things they can do physically they can become fixated on certain actions and keep repeating them until they tire of it or discover something new to move on to. Michelle still loves clapping her hands as well. She's also started a new monster growling noise. I was on the phone with my Mom one day and she heard Michelle in the background going "Grrrrr" like a bear or a tiger. "What is THAT?!" my Mom asked. "The baby. Doing her monster noise." "She should be in the movies!" my Mom said. Michelle is also quite the little screamer. "She loves the sound of her own voice!" my Mom said. I can definitely imagine Michelle in movies. She certainly has a flair for the dramatic. I have no idea where she gets it from.

Though not necessarily a metalhead -- apart from the head banging -- Michelle is definitely a music fan. When she hears music she starts to boogie a little, bouncing her legs and clapping her hands. Sometimes she gets really excited and squeals in delight. When she jumps in her jolly jumper (which is now more of a run and swing action) sometimes I'll put some music on and dance with her and she laughs her head off. She gets a kick out of seeing Mama acting silly. I loved to go dancing back in the day so I still like to cut a rug once in a while with the baby. It's really cute when she's holding on to the ottoman and starts to dance. I make sure to have pillows all around her so she has a soft place to fall. She's getting better at going from standing (or dancing) to sitting without falling down. 

Michelle is also fascinated by my guitar. She likes watching me play and even tries to play it herself. Unfortunately now it seems that my guitar has swallowed my nipple shield...
One day I was trying to quickly check my email. I had Michelle with me in the office. She was being good and was playing with the nipple shield (I had just finished nursing her and she likes to grab it off me and play with it for a few minutes. I usually let her. These days anything that will entertain her for two seconds is a godsend as long as it won't hurt her.) I didn't figure she could do any harm. Next thing I knew I could hear a guitar string being strummed. She had crawled over to the guitar at lightning speed. "OMG!" I rushed over to her before she could pull it over on herself or anything. I picked her up and noticed that the nipple shield wasn't in her hand. I checked all over the carpet. There was no sign of it. Mind you, it can be a challenge trying to locate something that is almost invisibile -- a clear little circle of silicone/latex or whatever it's made out of. After scouring the carpet for 10 minutes I began to deduce that it was most likely INSIDE the guitar. Great. Now if it was a hard object I could shake the guitar and hear it rattling but because it's a soft rubber thing (and no doubt sticky as ever with baby drool on it) it's probably stuck inside the wood somewhere. One day if and when I'm changing guitar strings (I've never actually done it myself and it won't be any time soon) I may find it and keep it as a souvenir but until then I've pretty much written it off. Thank God I had a spare one. I have to be really careful with it now though. Considering I'm supposed to be weaning Michelle in a few months (babies can have cow's milk at a year so I do want to start cutting down on nursing if not cutting it out entirely at 12 months) it wouldn't make sense to go out and buy another one as a spare. My Mom asked "Can't you just try nursing her without it?" but I've gone all this time with the shield I don't want to confuse her now. We're both used to the way things are and I don't want to spoil it. Plus I'm afraid it would hurt too much. My nipples have remained soft and pink so I don't want to get them calloused with a bare feeding now. There was a while there that Michelle was being more rough with me and I was red and sore but the doctor prescribed me a cream that worked wonders and thankfully it was just a phase and Michelle has been going easier on me. Also the fact that I have cut down the feedings somewhat -- from every two hours to every three -- has probably helped. I am going to try cutting down to every four hours once she hits 9-10 months. My Mom asked if the guitar sounds any different now. I don't notice a difference but I figure the shield has to be in there because it's nowhere else in the room and can't have vanished into thin air (though sometimes it seems like things do!)

It's ironic when I try so hard to keep Michelle from banging her head accidentally (watching her like a hawk, putting pillows everywhere in case she falls, running to put my hand there to protect her from near misses -- thousands of them -- like hitting her head on the bookshelves, the dresser and other hard furniture as she bends over, pulls up and grabs at her toys and books) that she would start doing it on purpose. I know that she will figure out (hopefully sooner rather than later) the cause and effect of it. To realize that she's hurting herself and to stop it. I try to prevent her from ever being hurt but my Mom pointed out that I can't protect her 100% forever and that part of learning is getting a few bumps and bruises here and there. My sister said that she had a helmet for my niece when she was little and learning to walk. Shannon hated it though and my sister didn't like putting it on her. I probably would have been tempted to get a helmet for Michelle if I'd ever seen anything like that. I can't recall ever seeing one in a store and I don't do a lot of shopping these days. I have a feeling she would hate wearing a helmet anyway and be pulling at it and screaming. She can't stand anything restrictive or confining.

I have to say I do like a wide variety of music and even enjoyed some metal when I was younger. Since I'm writing about head banging anyway, just for fun, here's Quiet Riot's video for "Bang your Head! (Metal Health)" --

At least my little head banger isn't such a night owl anymore (KNOCK ON WOOD!) She's back to sleeping fairly well at night for the last couple of nights at least. I'm hoping it's a pattern that sticks. After a long, cold, snowy Winter, it seems Spring is finally here. The weather has been really nice so we've been going out for walks a lot more and even sitting on my backyard garden swing for a while in the afternoon. I hadn't been out on it since I was pregnant. Half the time it's been lying on its side blown over by the wind. Michelle really enjoys being outside. Maybe the fresh air is doing her good and helping her sleep better at night. Maybe she's going through a growth spurt and needs the rest. Or maybe my hyper little running, swinging, boogie woogie head banging thrill seeker just wears herself out.

Michelle

I may not be in a band anymore but I'm rocking more than ever! Of course now it's rocking the baby. She loves rocking and rolling, having me dance around with her in my arms, sing to her etc. She also likes when I play guitar though I haven't been doing so that much these days. I wrote her a new song and played it for her. She seemed to like it. I've missed songwriting. An avid songwriter, I've penned close to 800 songs. Last year I was writing and posting an original song every day on Youtube. I kept it up for the whole year. It was difficult but I didn't have a baby at the time. It would be impossible to keep that up now! I wanted to do a special song and video for Michelle. I wrote her several songs while I was pregnant but it's more difficult now to find the time to write and record. I finally managed to put together a video for her. The song is called "Michelle" and the video features some of the photos I've taken so far (yes, I'm a photoholic!) Just click on the link above. 

Michelle has taken over my life completely. Most of the things that used to occupy my time are now pretty much non-existent. She is pretty demanding, even more so than the average baby. There isn't much time for anything else. But it's funny how things that used to seem so important don't matter that much anymore. She has given my life more meaning and purpose than I've ever had. Nothing else compares to her. Nothing else could be as important as she is to me. It's amazing how much you can change. You think you know yourself until you find yourself in different circumstances and somehow you discover who you really are. Your priorities and dreams alter.

I used to spend a lot of time gardening. Now the poor garden is overrun with weeds because I haven't been able to tend to it since having the baby. One day after taking Michelle for a walk I thought I'd try to sneak into the backyard with her. She was asleep in the carseat. The sun was behind the clouds and there was a nice shade to sit her in safely. I thought I'll just pull some of the biggest, most obnoxious weeds quickly while she sleeps. I got out my garden gloves and shears. I had barely pulled my first weed when I heard "Waaaaa!" She was up. Sigh. I did finally manage to steal about 15 minutes while she was napping later and ripped out weeds like a fiend. I had never moved so fast in my life. It was a big improvement. I'll just have to chip away at it a bit at a time. It seems like a gargantuan task but if you break it down it's not so bad. Some of the weeds can pass as wildflowers. At least the perennials are still there beneath the weeds. I was pleased to see my favourite flower, the hibiscus (a hardy hibiscus actually, Rose of Sharon) in bloom. When I planted my tropical (very high maintenance) garden I couldn't possibly have imagined that I'd be having a (very high maintenance) baby a couple of years later and not be able to keep it up. You just never know what the future may hold.

I got a two-seater convertible a couple of years ago not knowing I was going to wind up having a baby. I loved that car. I had some amazing experiences in it. Driving to Florida last year was one of the best. Now I haven't driven it in almost a year. It wasn't a practical car for the baby and I started driving a sedan instead. I tried to sell the Miata but couldn't find a buyer (the only offers I had were so low I wouldn't have just been giving the car away, I'd actually be paying someone to buy it since it was financed and I'd have to make up the difference to pay back what was owing on it) so I've had it built into my mortgage. I figure if I find a buyer then great and if I don't, I'll keep the car and one day my girl and me will make a road trip to Cali when she's old enough. At least I don't have those car payments every month which were killing me!

Art is something else I don't really have time for anymore. I did the paintings for the nursery while I was pregnant but haven't done any painting since having the baby. It would be difficult. It can be messy and time-consuming and I'd hate to have paint on my hands and have the baby cry. I did do a little touch up to one of the paintings though. I added some copper hair to the baby in one of the mermaid paintings so it looks more like Michelle! (The baby was bald before.) The painting over the change table seems to be Michelle's favourite, she smiles and coos at it each time I'm changing her.

Last summer I spent most of my time at the beach. This summer I went a couple of times while I was pregnant but going to the beach with the baby would have been impossible. I had enough bikinis to wear a different one every day. Now I don't know if I'll be wearing them ever again. Though I've lost 45 lbs so far I still have my "mommy tummy." It's kind of loose and flabby. Not to mention the stretch marks. Though I am going to start doing yoga and the 30 day shred again, my doctor told me I will likely NEVER get my flat stomach back. She said it'll never be quite the same. She also said that although they'll fade (they won't always be purple) the stretch marks will never disappear. And those stretch mark creams don't really do anything. "But you have a beautiful baby girl and she's worth it!" she added. She's right. Michelle is worth it. I am going to try to get my tummy back though if I can. When I got down to my goal weight last year (125 lbs) I had no idea I'd wind up pregnant and get up to 190 lbs by July of this year. I'm down to 145 now but I have a feeling that last 20 lbs will be the hardest to lose.

I used to love going out dancing in nightclubs. It was how I met most of my boyfriends too. Now I dance around the house with the baby to entertain her and rock her to sleep. Before getting pregnant (and being abandoned by her father) I always had a boyfriend and when I didn't have one, I was dating and searching for one. Now I have no interest in men and no opportunity to meet them anyway. It doesn't feel like anything is missing in my life though. I always used to feel like I needed a man. Now the love that I have for Michelle is so consuming that I know I don't need a man. Still I'm not ruling out the possibility of romance again one day in the future, but he'd have to be an exceptional man (trustworthy, kind, caring, funny, strong, sensitive) and an incredible father to Michelle. He'd have to be worthy of her. I don't know if such a man exists. Ironically her own father was the most unworthy man on the planet. I can't entirely despise him because he unwittingly gave me the greatest gift of my life. And part of me wants to believe he wasn't all bad, that he knew we were better off without him, that it broke his heart to leave but he knew it was for the best.

My life is now devoted to caring for the baby. Though there are many things I've given up, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. I am more fulfilled and happier now than I've ever been. I feel more love than I ever felt possible. The days fly by. I never get bored. It's always an adventure. And there's so much to look forward to. I can't wait until she can play. Right now she doesn't have much interest in toys though I keep trying to introduce them to her. I even found a new way to put her to sleep -- just by boring her! I went through the toy box (the ottoman in the living room which is filled with toys, mostly from my sister) and introduced her to each toy. I would take each one out, tell her what it was, what it could do, describe the colours and textures and features. There are some really cool ones -- Lamaze toys with various patterns and shapes and colours and squeaks and crinkles. When I looked down at her I saw that her eyes were closed and she was sound asleep. I don't know if any of my rambling is getting through but I figure it can't hurt. She is cooing and making cute noises more than ever. Some of them almost sound like words. She even laughed in her sleep which was just about the coolest thing I've ever seen/heard! She holds her head up pretty well when I have tummy time with her and she straightens her legs so much that she can almost stand (with me holding her of course!) on my lap. I will enjoy every step of this journey, watching her grow.

Life before her is like a distant dream. The things I thought were so important fade into the background. She is my life now. She is everything to me. She is my beauty, my sunshine, my flower, my song, my dance, my love, my dream, my hope, my present and future. The best moments of my life are the ones I spend with her. I wouldn't trade this for the world.