Back to Work

When I first went off on Maternity Leave a year ago, a year sounded like a long time, an eternity. Looking back now that it's over, it disappeared in the blink of an eye. Being pregnant in the Summer, going into labour at the end of last July, coming home with a newborn, sleepless nights, struggles with breastfeeding, rocking her to sleep, watching her grow from a helpless little baby who couldn't hold her head up to an independent little toddler running amok around the house -- I look back at all of it and am so grateful for the adventure. Even at the most difficult of times it was a labour of love and I will cherish those memories forever.

Being a single Mom, I was there for Michelle 24-7. She cried if I left the room for a second. The longest I ever left her was a couple of hours with my Mom when I had an appointment. So I was terrified of what would happen when I returned to work. I didn't know how Michelle would react to my being gone for an entire day. What if she screamed the whole time? My Mom was worried too. It was going to be hard on all of us. Perhaps hardest of all on me. I had so much guilt about leaving her. Financially I had no choice. Unless I win the lottery, I have to earn a living! Michelle wouldn't understand where I was though and I didn't want her to feel like I was abandoning her. It broke my heart.

The first morning I left Michelle with my Mom was kind of surreal. My Mom was holding her and I snuck out. I couldn't bear the thought of Michelle screaming and crying, reaching for me, calling "Mama!" as I left.

It was strange looking in my rearview mirror and seeing the empty base of the carseat. No baby on board. I was so used to always having her there. I realized that I could crank the radio up now like I used to. I rolled the window down and dangled my hand out, the cool air between my fingers. I remembered when I used to be a single girl, carefree. It seems a lifetime ago now. I didn't plan to have children but Michelle is the love of my life and I know she is my destiny. I thought about how the day might go. Would she be OK with my Mom? Some people (including one of my brothers) didn't think I should have my Mom watch Michelle, that she wouldn't be able to handle it at her age. Ironically my brother's friend has his mother watching FOUR children and she's older than my Mom. I just couldn't put Michelle in daycare. Not only because it's close to impossible to find daycare, especially for my weird shifts but because I wouldn't feel right leaving Michelle with a stranger. Having me gone would be traumatic enough never mind leaving her with someone she didn't even know. At least she feels comfortable with my Mom. Next to me, my Mom is the person she's closest to. Besides I could never fully trust a stranger. No matter how nice they seemed, you just don't know. My Mom told me one of my cousins was abused by a babysitter when she was a baby and they didn't find out until she was old enough to talk. There's no way I could take the chance.

I hoped Michelle would be OK. I hoped my Mom would be OK. I hoped I would be OK. There were so many unknowns. By the time I got to work I was a jangle of nerves.

As expected when I got into work I was emotional. My eyes started to tear up. My boss sat me down and gave me a pep talk. Her mother had been a single mother with SEVEN children! Somehow she managed. She worked to support them. My boss said that her mother was an inspiration, a role model of a strong, independent Mom. She told me that I would be a good role model for Michelle. When I told her that I felt guilty about leaving Michelle she said that she knew women that felt guilty for going to work and leaving their kids and women who felt guilty for not going out to work. Women can be so hard on themselves. We take so much on. We try to do it all and somehow it still doesn't seem to be enough. She told me that I'm doing the best thing for my daughter and that it will be good for her to have some time apart from me. It will teach her to be more independent and help her to grow into a strong woman.

When it was time for my lunch break I was dying to call my Mom and ask how things were going but I was afraid to at the same time. If I could hear Michelle screaming in the background and it wasn't working out I'd feel terrible and have a hard time getting through the rest of the day. Then again, if things were going better than I'd expected I'd feel so relieved. So I called home and was pleasantly surprised to hear that Michelle had a long morning nap. She had drank my breast milk from the bottle and had eaten all of her food at lunch. She was playing and content. My Mom said she fussed a couple of times but then my Mom was able to distract her enough to cheer her up. Unfortunately she heard my voice over the phone and started wailing. Then I felt bad for calling. After talking to my Mom I just barely had enough time to pump some milk and head back to work. Though I could wean Michelle I want to keep breastfeeding as long as I can. I know that it is so good for her, full of nutrients and antibodies and it's a comfort thing too. Since I can't be there to nurse her for her morning feeding at least she has my milk in a bottle. My Mom said she drank it all up and went off to sleep. I figure I will still nurse her on my days off and just pump milk when I'm working to keep up the supply.

At the end of the day I couldn't wait to see her. I raced back to my Mom's place. I cursed every red light and every car in my way that was keeping me from seeing her. You would think it had been a year since I'd seen her.

When I got there I ran into the house. I was pleased that I didn't hear any crying. And there was Michelle, walking around like she owned the place. She didn't even notice I had come in. My Mom said "Look who's here!" She gave me the cold shoulder at first. Literally glanced at me over her shoulder as if to say "Oh. Yes you look familiar. Do I know you?" but then she ran over to me and hugged me and I kissed and kissed and kissed her little face and hugged her so tight. "I love you so much. I missed you."

It's tough. I don't get much sleep at night with Michelle, then have to get up early, trying not to wake her, get ready for work. Head to work and put in a long day then come home to Michelle who after the initial happy reunion is up to her old tricks, being difficult, refusing to sleep. It's exhausting. Just taking care of Michelle was a full-time job. Now having to go to work on top of it is even more taxing -- physically, mentally and emotionally. One advantage of my job is that although the shifts are long at least I don't have to work as many days as I would at a regular job so I have more days with Michelle than without her. But the days that I work are very long days, very draining.

My Mom was exhausted as well. Thankfully I only work a couple of days at a time so she has time to relax and recuperate afterward. My Mom is elderly and has arthritis. Taking care of a baby, especially one as demanding as Michelle, isn't easy. Still, my Mom said she wouldn't want Michelle left with anyone else, so we have to make it work even if it's hard on all of us.

Control freak that I am, I wrote out a schedule for my Mom so she'd know when Michelle eats, has her naps, likes her storytimes etc. At least when my Mom is watching her she has an extra set of arms as well. My Dad helped to entertain her and took her out for a walk as well. She doesn't really let my Dad hold her but she gives him high fives and laughs at him. It seems that she adapted to having my Mom instead of me. When my Mom was at the sink Michelle came and hugged her legs the way she does with me. Even after I got home from work and was holding Michelle she reached out for my Mom. Then my Mom took her and she reached for me. At one point we both hugged her and kissed her. She seemed happy. She really wanted both of us.

It used to be that women were only allowed a couple of months for Maternity Leave. I can't imagine leaving Michelle that early on. Thankfully over time they realized how important it was for children and their mothers to have bonding time together. With the medical community encouraging breastfeeding as the healthiest choice for baby it necessitates having that year off with baby to nurse. I am going to continue it for as long as I can, cutting down gradually over time but not weaning her entirely.

I am so grateful to have had a year off with Michelle. Though in some ways it was the hardest year of my life it was also the most beautiful and joyous. Now that I'm back to work it makes me appreciate my time with Michelle even more. Hopefully Michelle will learn that even though Mama goes away sometimes she always comes back. She can enjoy her time with Gramma and Grampa and then be happy to see Mama again.

A Taxing Time

Michelle is sleeping better. I however, am not. My brain won't shut down. At night I lay there making to do lists and worry lists in my mind -- some things are relatively easy to resolve and I can go through and check them off one by one, other things are still up in the air, confusing and almost impossible to resolve and just send me spinning. In the morning sometimes I wake up super early and can't get back to sleep. I watch Michelle lying peacefully next to me. I start to understand what they mean by "sleeping like a baby" -- when a baby does actually sleep (which is new for her and yes I am grateful!) she looks like a little angel. It is a sound sleep, a slumber of innocence, the kind of sleep you only get to have when you're a baby and you don't know enough about the world yet and you don't have enough responsibility yet to keep you up worrying! These days when I wake up it's very hard to get back to sleep because my mind starts spinning through unanswerable questions, thoughts of past, present and future. I wrote a song once called "Think Too Much." The chorus goes "Some people drink too much. Me, I just think too much." I was an insomniac even before I had a baby so now that I'm a single Mom and have a hundred times more things to think/worry about, it's even harder to catch some zzzs.

I've been so stressed that sometimes I get a pain in my chest and a splitting headache that feels like my brain might implode. I've been absent-minded and forgetting things -- like forgetting to bring things with me when I go out, or leaving things behind when I go somewhere to visit. One night I put the garbage out on the completely wrong day (the week before that I had missed garbage day entirely.) Sometimes it really feels like I'm losing it. I hope I didn't hit my head too hard the other day. I was rushing to bring the groceries in from the car, back and forth with one armful after another. I was moving as quickly as possible because Michelle was waiting inside the house in her carseat screaming (one of the reasons online shopping is so much easier. When I do try to venture out shopping it means listening to her scream, if not while shopping then at the checkout, or in the car, or when we get home and I try to bring everything in.) Suddenly I slipped on the ice and banged my head on the brick wall of the garage. My ear was bleeding a little. At least I didn't have a concussion. When I told my Mom she was having a fit, as if it was my fault. "What if you were knocked unconscious and the baby was alone inside the house!" I said that hopefully eventually a neighbour would find my car doors wide open a curious sight, would see my body lying on the driveway, would check my front door which was unlocked and see Michelle in her carseat. Sometimes it is scary to be alone and trying to do everything on my own. Some days I do feel isolated. I wish I lived closer to my Mom and my sister. My neighbour has been kind enough to shovel my driveway for me which is very sweet and a huge help because I'd never be able to leave Michelle long enough to do it. She barely gives me three minutes to run in and out with groceries.

I try to relax. I sing Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" and Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy" and try to take deep cleansing breaths but lately it seems like there is just one thing after another to stress me out. I had an argument with a credit card company who said they weren't paid when I did pay them and had the confirmation number from my bank to prove it (it turned out it was a bank error -- they corrected it and apologized to me but it still doesn't undo the fact that I had a rather unpleasant conversation with two people at the credit card company because I thought it was their mistake.) Ever since Michelle's episode (if you missed my previous post she had a violent and terrifying bout of vomiting that could have been a scene from The Exorcist) I've been nervous about feeding her. I'm so afraid of feeding her too much that I've been denying her when she keeps asking for more and then I worry that I'm feeding her too little.

Money is probably the biggest stress. Trying to survive on a tight budget and not knowing how to make ends meet. I keep hoping I win the lottery. They say that money can't buy happiness but it certainly would make things easiser. I heard a quote "Your child needs your presence more than presents." I may not be able to buy lots of things for Michelle (thankfully she has most of the things she needs, a lot of which were donations and gifts from friends and family) but at least I get to be with her. As difficult as it is financially I feel that staying home with Michelle is the right thing to do. I know some women who returned to work after six months (or sooner) because they couldn't afford to stay on maternity leave and they had HUSBANDS earning an income too. Going it alone is really tough but there's no way I could have left her and missed out on the rest of her first year.

Tax time is always a little stressful. This year I didn't know what to expect. I always find it daunting filling out my taxes. Usually I look at the previous year's and copy it but since my life situation has completely changed I had to study the form carefully line by line. My sister had told me about the Amount for an Eligible Dependant (it apparently used to be called Equivalent to Spouse) which I could claim for Michelle. I was hoping it would make a big difference and I would get a big refund but then I started to worry that maybe I hadn't paid enough tax since they don't charge you much tax while on maternity leave and it would get added onto my pre-pregnant income. I was anxious to do my taxes and get it over with but I was still waiting for two T4 forms -- one for my maternity leave and one for the Canada Child Tax Benefit. I checked the mail again and there was still no sign of them. The CCTB I found out is not taxable and so no T4 is issued. I decided to check my Service Canada account online to see what was going on with my T4E. Maybe it had been lost in the mail. I hadn't logged into my account since July when I was still pregnant, before my maternity benefits had started. The site changed how you log in since then and my access key no longer worked. I finally figured it out and got to my page only to discover that my T4E wasn't mailed because I had opted not to have it mailed but to just view it online! When had I done that?! I must not have realized it. I was pretty distracted while I was pregnant. Anyway all this time I'd been waiting for forms that either didn't exist or were never going to come in the mail anyway.

So finally, with all my paperwork ready, I began to do my taxes. At least Michelle was sleeping peacefully which was an enormous relief. I was afraid I wouldn't even have time to work on it. It wasn't quite as difficult as I'd anticipated. I just went line by line and filled out the appropriate schedules. It was disheartening to fill out schedules thinking they were going to make a big difference and they would only make a small one or none at all. One phrase I really hate is "If negative, enter "0." Sometimes I would fill out an entire form and do all the calculations only to find that it made no difference. At least when I was done I ended up with a refund, not quite as much as I was hoping for but every bit helps. I'm grateful to get a refund at all rather than owe at least. It's a relief to be done anyway. Now I just have to write out my good copy and mail it in. I think the government is trying to save money any way they can -- not only did they not mail out the tax forms this year (I had to hunt the city to even find a store with a post office to pick one up) but they didn't even include envelopes in the package.

Physically, emotionally and financially I'm feeling more stressed than I ever have in my life. It's like I'm stretched to the limit. The things that I used to do to reduce stress -- long bubble baths, doing yoga, painting, playing guitar and singing, watching movies etc -- I haven't been able to do in a long time, since the baby. Now that she's sleeping better maybe I'll try to take some "me" time in the evening to de-stress while she's sleeping. Usually though when she does sleep I'm running around trying to get things like housework done. This blog is one of the few "me time" things I get to do but I usually just write a bit and leave it and then add more later when I can until it's done. I miss doing yoga. I really should do it again. Physically and spiritually it just makes me feel stronger, more grounded and more balanced. I'm feeling unbalanced these days! The trouble is I'm a creature of habit and find it hard to get back into something after I get out of the habit of doing it. For a while I was trying to do the 30 Day Shred but gave up when Michelle kept waking up during it and I never got to finish it. I lost a couple of pounds while doing it. Ironically I've lost more weight since I stopped and haven't really had any sort of a workout aside from carrying Michelle. I've also been eating a little healthier and eating a bit less. I've lost 10 lbs so far and still have another 10 to go. The Mommy tummy is a little smaller. I guess the expression "tighten your belt" works two ways -- you have less money so you eat less and lose weight.

They say that laughter is the best medicine and it's true. It is the greatest stress relief too. Visiting with my sister she had me laughing my head off, like I haven't in a long time. No one makes me laugh like she does. We have the same strange sense of humour. Michelle makes me laugh too. She's becoming a bit of a comedian. She enjoys knocking my glasses off and laughing or putting her foot in my face when I'm changing her. I make an exasperated expression each time and that makes her laugh even more. She's laughing a lot more now. I remember hearing many years ago that children laugh hundreds of times a day while most adults only laugh a few times a day, if that. I guess it's like the sleeping -- it's easier for children who are free and innocent. A light heart laughs easily. When you're burdened with anxieties and responsibilities sometimes it's hard to lighten up. Then Michelle reminds me not to take myself so seriously.
  
Though I do have bad days and moments when I feel overwhelmed, most of the time I am happy and grateful. Seeing Michelle's smiling face makes me smile. Hearing her little squeals of delight lightens my heart. As long as she is happy, it's OK if I'm having a hard time. Sometimes when it feels like I'm going to fall apart, Michelle keeps me strong because I have to be, for her. I try not to worry. As many people have told me worrying never solves anything. It doesn't stop bad things from happening and it only ruins the moment you're in, which could be a happy one. I have to have faith that everything will be OK, even though I don't always know how. At least my taxes are done. One less thing to worry about.

The Time of My Life

Recently someone told me that I was "in a rut" and "needed to get out more." "Why don't you go out to the mall or something?" the person (who shall remain nameless) suggested. Perhaps they meant well but it bothered me. I wish I could just let things roll off my back. Maybe it's the breastfeeding hormones that make me extra sensitive. Anyway, I found the comments insulting and for the record, completely inaccurate. I am not in a rut. In fact Michelle has forced me out of the rut that I was in for at least two decades. Thanks to my baby I have quit both of my addictions (shopping and men) cold turkey and I'm happier than I've ever been.

If you've read posts like "Hibernation" and "Homebody" then you know that I have been spending A LOT of time at home with the baby, often for several days and often in my pjs. I've even started ordering my groceries in from grocerygateway.com (I've ordered from them a couple of times so far. It is such a treat to have groceries brought to my door and just be able to put them away in minutes, avoiding the stress of shopping, loading and unloading the car etc.) I don't consider staying home with my baby being in a rut. To me it's a blessing. I've found a contentment that I never had before. Spending time with my baby means more to me than anything. I don't see anything wrong with staying in my pjs if I'm not going anywhere and no one is seeing me. It's comfortable. I've even seen people wearing pajama pants out as casual wear. So there! I'm not a fan of the winter and when it's snowing I am not going anywhere if I don't have to. I was nervous driving in the snow even before I had Michelle so I certainly wouldn't take any chances now. Slipping and sliding on the ice and snow with bald tires isn't my idea of fun and Michelle is too precious to me to take the risk. Besides saving money on gas by making fewer trips is a necessity these days anyway. As far as shopping goes, it holds no appeal for me anymore. Michelle doesn't like it (and she is the boss after all) and usually complains which makes it stressful (hence the online grocery shopping). Above all, staying home most of the time has become a necessity. As I've mentioned several times as a single Mom on maternity leave I have to be REALLY careful with money these days so recreational shopping isn't a possibility anymore.

I found it judgmental and condescending for someone to look at my life and find fault, to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong. The truth is that my life was wrong for a long time and it's finally right. By definition a rut is getting stuck in a habitual pattern, as a groove or track is formed in a dirt road after the wheels have gone over the same path over and over. I was stuck in the same pattern for a very long time. For most of my adult life I felt like something was missing. I was a shopoholic, trying to fill the void with "things." Most people have their addictions. Some people drink, do drugs or overeat. I shopped. As you can guess with any addiction, no amount of stuff can fill the void. What I really longed for in my life was true love, which leads me to my other favourite addiction -- men. In 20 years I barely went more than 5 minutes without a boyfriend. I dated all the wrong men. I stayed in dead-end relationships far too long. Sometimes I would want to leave one guy and didn't have the courage because I was afraid to be alone, then the universe would put his replacement in my path (usually the complete opposite of the man I was dating because the contrast would be attractive) and I'd jump from one to the other (often from the frying pan to the fire) with no break in between. Of course the pattern was unhealthy. I never really recovered from one relationship because I would dive into the next. I never got to discover who I was. I was afraid to find out. My friend told me to take some time, at least a year, to be on my own. I laughed. "I'd never last!" I said. Finally fed up with the bar scene I decided to try online dating. One day my friend and I were having brunch and she sat and made a list of all the guys I had dated in just a few months and we laughed. It was pretty ridiculous. I kept looking for my one true love, Mr. Right, my soulmate but he never showed up. Sometimes a guy would seem perfect in the beginning and then the illusion would shatter. Sometimes he looked like a mess but I thought I could "save" him. Of course you can't save anyone. Of all the men that I dated, Mike (Michelle's father) was the most messed up of all (and that's really saying something because I dated an alcoholic on and off for 3 years and he died of an overdose). For all of his faults (which were many) Mike did bless me with two incredible gifts that would change my life forever -- the first was my baby. My little Michelle was the biggest and best surprise of my life. His second gift to me was his absence. He left us while I was four months pregnant and as painful as that was at the time, it was a blessing because we are far better off without him.

My friend had always told me I needed a year alone to find myself. Thanks to Michelle I finally got it. I couldn't very well date while I was pregnant (that would just be weird.) And since Michelle has been born I haven't had the time or the inclination to meet anyone. Besides after what I've been through it will be hard for me to trust a man again. There is so much more at stake now. I would be so much more careful if and when I date again because now he would not only have to be a good partner for me he'd have to be a great father to Michelle. I don't know if that man exists.

Michelle is what was missing from my life. She is my true love. There is no void anymore. My life has more joy and more purpose than ever before. Being home with Michelle isn't being in a rut. It is the best time of my life. I am grateful for all my life's adventures -- falling in love, travel, climbing a mountain, swimming in the ocean, being published, writing thousands of poems, helping to set a Guinness World Record, being on the front of the newspaper, acting, being on TV and in film, winning academic awards, art shows, creating hundreds of paintings, playing in concerts, writing hundreds of songs, sculpting, having my own business -- to name a few. I feel blessed that I got to dabble in so many things and have a taste of my dreams. A lot of people "settle down" and have kids in their 20s or 30s. I am settling down later than most. For a long time I was never home. I always had to be out doing something, especially on Friday and Saturday nights. In my 20s I was hitting the clubs 4-5 nights a week dancing, going to concerts. In my 30s and even past 40 I was still out more than I was home. I loved staying out late and sleeping in. I never planned to have children. I couldn't see myself as a Mom and yet it has been the most rewarding role of my life. When I look back at my past I realize that all the things that seemed so important pale in comparison to being a Mom. Being with Michelle is the time of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Yes it's tough to live on maternity leave (especially without a partner to help pay the bills) but I'm willing to make sacrifices and live on a tight budget because Michelle is more precious to me than anything. I wouldn't miss my daughter's first year for a million dollars. No amount of money would be worth missing her first word. Her first step. The first year in a child's development is so crucial and these days are so precious that I will do whatever it takes to stay with her. I'm not leaving her with someone else. If that means I can't go shopping and have to stick to just the necessities to get by, then so be it. I'm pretty sure at the end of my life I will never say "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the mall." There is nowhere on earth I'd rather be than with my baby. Home sweet home has never been sweeter. I will not apologize for that.

Yes someday when Michelle is older and if our financial situation is different, I would love to travel again. I would love to share many adventures with her. But for now I'm happy just to be home with her. We do still go out sometimes of course. We visit my Mom and my sister often. Lately the weather has been warmer. The snow melted and the sidewalks were clear so Michelle and I went for walks with the stroller. It did feel good to get some fresh air and sunshine again. Michelle seemed to enjoy it too and fell asleep. She's been having more naps during the day and staying up late at night. A night owl like her Mama.




Michelle is five months old now. Every day she amazes me and makes me laugh. I love watching her discover things. She's always enjoyed storytime but she keeps letting me read for longer intervals and now she puts her hand on the pages trying to grab the pictures. Sometimes she stares at me while I'm talking, hanging on my every word. She has really found her own voice and babbles long conversations consisting of gurgles, coos, squeals and screams. Sometimes when I'm on the phone with Mom she'll ask "Is that Michelle?!" because she sounds like a doll or a bird. When I've been out with her people comment on how vocal she is and say she'll be talking in no time because she's so eager to communicate. She keeps trying to crawl and I'm pretty sure she'll have it figured out in a couple of months (which is scary because she's so hyper I bet she'll be zooming across the floor). I love her smile and her laugh is the sweetest sound on earth.

Her new favourite word is "cozy." Everytime I say it (which is often!) she giggles. I even managed to get a video of her giggling at it. (See link above.) I think cozy is my new favourite word too. On a cold, snowy winter's day, I can't think of a better way to spend it than wearing my pajamas, comfy, cozy and snuggling with my little girl.

The Home Stretch

Yesterday as I left the office and walked down the hallway, the tears started to well up in my eyes. It was my last day at work. I'm on vacation (booked before I knew I was pregnant but the timing is perfect) which then leads into my maternity leave. Everyone had been saying how nice it would be for me to have a year off (not that I won't be working full-time, just in a different way. Baby Michelle will be my new boss and have me at her beck and call!) I have been looking forward to it but as I left the building I realized how much I'm going to miss work. It was an epiphany. Yes work can be stressful. Yes sometimes you think how nice it would be to get away. But then you find yourself leaving for a year and you realize how much it was a part of your life, your routine. You realize how much your life is changing.

This is a huge milestone for me. I'm embarking on a journey, an adventure like no other. I'm having a baby! I'm going to be a mother. Something I had never imagined for myself. There are so many unknowns. As a recovering control freak, it's scary to me. I'm someone that likes to know what I'm doing and feel in control. This is so new to me. I'm nervous. I want to be a great mother. I'm afraid to make mistakes but I know that no matter how much you read or how much advice you get from other moms, the real learning comes from doing. I won't fully know what to do until I do it, until I get my baby home and she teaches me how to be a Mom. I will go from being a nervous novice to a seasoned pro in no time. I am excited. It's just such an overwhelming responsibility. There has been nothing in my life so far that compares.

It's just as well that I am done at work because I don't know how much longer I could have lasted. It was getting increasingly tough. Waddling up the stairs, short of breath to get to the office, working 12 hour shifts on limited sleep, sitting for long periods with blood pooling in my bloated feet and legs, running to the bathroom every few minutes, difficulty concentrating with "baby brain," preoccupied, distracted, searing heartburn, pain in ribs, the discomfort of baby doing calisthenics in my abdomen, including jabbing my ribs, stretching my sides and kicking so low it felt like her foot was going to come out! Being pregnant made everything more challenging. So in many ways yes it's a relief to be home now for the home stretch but I was used to the routine of going to work, used to seeing my co-workers and it is harder than I had anticipated to walk away.

My co-workers kindly gave me some wonderful gifts for the baby. They had been paying attention and knew about my mermaid nursery so they included sea-themed items -- a musical pink whale, mermaid and fish books, as well as an adorable dress, lullabye book and CD, and a great supply of towels, blankets, baby wash, lotions and other supplies I'll need. I won't run out for a long time! They laughed at me getting overly emotional. Of course I was sentimental to begin with and now that I'm pregnant and hormonal it's really over the top. I am especially touched by any acts of kindness at this point. I am grateful for the gifts and donations I've received so far. There are so many things I'm going to need. It's a huge help. Doing this on my own sometimes I worry how I'm going to make it, financially and emotionally, but I have faith. Someone up there has been looking out for me so far. I know it's going to be OK. And I have had angels along the way helping me out -- family, friends and even strangers. It is so heartwarming to see how kind people can be. After I was betrayed and heartbroken in February (by the disappearance of my baby's father), it shook my faith in many things (life, love, mankind), but now I see that if you believe the best and don't give up, somehow it works out. Life is beautiful. Love conquers all (in my case, loving my baby, without even meeting her, has gotten me through my darkest days) and most people are basically good.

It felt like the last day of school. You're excited to be going on summer vacation but it's bittersweet because you'll miss the people you were used to seeing every day. It was surreal. I hugged my co-workers goodbye. They wished me well and told me to come visit with the baby after. It was only a half day because I had some time owed to me and took advantage to get home early and prepare for my family coming over for Father's Day. I was exhausted after being up since 4 in the morning but anxious to see my family.

There was an 80% chance of thunderstorms but I'd been hoping for a nice day so that we could hang out in the yard. Thankfully the rain held out long enough for us to get some fresh air. 

I love having my family around. It reminds me that, although I'm without a partner (as mentioned several times in my blog, my baby's father left us when I was 4 months pregnant), I am not alone in this journey. It is such a comfort to have their support. I couldn't get through this without them.

Family is so important to me and I know how lucky I am to have them. I look forward to having that bond with my own daughter. My baby, my best friend, my everything. As scary as it is to be embarking on this without a partner in the picture, I see it as a gift. In the very beginning, it will be just her and I. I will have all my time and attention to devote to her. I know how crucial the early years are to help give a child a foundation to build on. Someday yes it would be nice to meet someone who could become part of our family, a loving father for her and companion for me but it will be an adventure for just us girls at the start. I've heard from other single Moms that said the bond they formed during that time, alone with their child and no man in the picture, was priceless. It is something that they cherish forever. I will treasure the days when it's just my little girl and me, learning from each other, creating a life of magic together. With no one in the way. Just you and me, kid!

My dad and Shannon had two pieces of cake. I limited myself to one small piece. I don't want to overload the baby with sugar! My Mom said something about it being my cake and Shannon piped up "Well she's not a father!" Then I realized that in a sense, I am. Without my baby's daddy (dear God please don't let me actually use the phrase "my baby daddy!") in the picture, I will actually be both mother and father. So Happy Father's Day to me too! I want her to still have positive male role models in her life so I am glad to have my dad, brothers and nephew, though they won't see her all the time. I still believe that in a perfect world a child would have two loving parents, but I know that having one loving, happy parent is preferable to having two that are in conflict. I think that having no father at all in the picture is better than having one that is unfit, one that is a negative influence and creates a toxic environment of stress, sadness or fear. M, her biological father, had so many disturbing issues that he would not have been a suitable father. Obviously he was aware of that and gave her the best gift that he could, his absence. When he was here, life was a bit of a rollercoaster. I had moments of laughter and joy but also many moments of uncertainty, anger, fear, stress. We argued. I cried. It was no kind of environment to raise a child in. I'm thankful that he left before my baby reached the stage of development where she could hear what was going on outside the belly. Some of it was frightening. M was a Jekyll and Hyde. He had some very beautiful qualities but he could be a monster (and not in a cute Monsters Inc kind of way...) He would have done more damage being around than he did by leaving.

People talk about "growing pains" as they go from children to adults. I feel like I have grown more in the past few months, physically and emotionally, than ever in my life. I am being stretched in so many ways. I didn't know I could stretch so far. My belly looks and feels like it's about to explode! Wherever I go my belly makes it there a few minutes before the rest of me. I am a walking globe and baby is kicking me in just about every continent! My legs are like tree trunks (and I'm not talking the young trees on the boulevard that the city plants. I'm talking deep in the forest centuries old towering trees with hundreds of rings!) I am hoping to get back the pre-baby physique that I had worked so hard to achieve. But for the most part I'm much more laid back. I don't worry so much about my appearance anymore. I dress for comfort more than style. I waddle around not worrying about my big old belly and huge legs. I have more important things on my mind now! Or maybe part of it is that I'm not on the dating scene any longer. I'm not trying to attract anyone. Now I can just be me. It's liberating.

I look back at the girl I was last year and it seems like I was trying so hard. I look so smug. I had no idea what was going to happen. I want to tell her enjoy it while it lasts, honey! You won't be wearing these bikinis next Summer! Say adios to the arms (you can't do headstands anymore), bye bye to the belly (baby has moved in and built a little biosphere around her), goodbye to the gams (now swollen to twice the size perhaps to match your massive swollen feet) and tata to the tan (you can't spend too much time in the sun and risk a burn and you can't use self-tanners/bronzers that may not be safe for baby). But it doesn't matter. I can look back at these pictures and smile.

I actually feel more comfortable in my body now, being pregnant, than I did before and I'm happier than I've ever been. It's like the pressure is off. There is nothing to prove. There is no one to impress. I can just be. And I'm more woman than I've ever been! I'm more down to earth. I will openly admit that I'm suffering from heartburn, gas (both ends) and have to run to the bathroom several times a day. It's not like I could hide it anyway. It's obvious. Jessica Simpson talked about her pregnant bodily functions rather openly in interviews. I loved her for that! Most celebrities are so obsessed with their image and trying to be perfect. She just told it like it is. She was raw and real and human. You have to have a sense of humour about it. I don't take myself so seriously anymore. I'm able to put things in perspective and it just doesn't matter what people think anymore. I was always pretty shy about using public washrooms and tried to avoid it when I could. Most of the time I'd just hold it in until I got home, but waiting is not an option these days! When I've got to go, I'VE GOT TO GO! NOW! I had IBS and a small bladder before so with a baby sitting on everything, the pressure is really on! Sometimes I need to run. 

I used to be uptight about my appearance, worried what people thought. My ego has been obliterated by all of this. It's liberating. I just really don't care. When I was younger I had strangers comment about how graceful and lithe I was (just walking around) and asking if I was a ballerina. These days I'm waddling around like a penguin and the only comments I get from strangers are "Congratulations." "When are you due?" or "Looks like you're ready to pop!" I wouldn't have dreamed of going out without a bra before. Since I've been pregnant, I haven't had much choice. I have to let it all hang out! I hadn't worn a bra in over 7 months because I couldn't find one that fit for more than 10 minutes and I hate being strangled. I felt claustrophobic in them and I got tired of going up another size and another and another. Part of me just doesn't want to find out what size I actually am now. I was a 34B last year. I refused to go beyond 38C. I know that before I couldn't have held a pencil under my breast. Now I could probably hold a pencil case! It's for a good cause, of course. I'm hoping the milk production goes well after all these physical preparations. Saving on formula would be a huge help. Not to mention how healthy breastfeeding is for the baby, how easy and natural (no bottles to warm up etc.) Now if I could just think of a way to get free diapers too...

Recently I found a bra that I *thought* was comfortable when I bought it. It was a nursing bra in size large and was just a criss-cross design. Kind of like a sports bra, no underwire, soft thin stretchy spandex cotton material. It seemed perfect. Then I tried to wear it one day and by the end of the day, I couldn't take it anymore. At the end of the day it always feels like my stomach stretches and puts extra pressure on my bra-line/ribs. I also get heartburn which doesn't help. When my ribs are sore, having any pressure on them at all is unbearable. So the bra that had seemed so lightweight and comfy in the store had now become an instrument of torture. It was digging into me, strangling me. I was driving home and all of a sudden it felt like I couldn't breathe. The bra seemed to be crushing my chest like a vice. "Get this thing off of me!" Had it been a regular bra, I could have easily slipped off the straps and removed it through my sleeve very non-chalantly (as I had actually done months before while in the drive-thru at Tim Hortons!) Unfortunately there were no straps or buckles. It was like a sports bra that pulled over your head. I managed to get the straps off my shoulders through my sleeves but then when I tried to pull the bra off, it got tangled around my shirt and now I was REALLY being strangled! How on earth would I get out of this one without being arrested for reckless driving and/or indecent exposure?! I would have been quite the spectacle but it was too dark for anyone to see what fresh hell I was living through in my car! It wouldn't have been safe to pull over and I would have been too stubborn to anyway. I never took my eyes off the road and driving without being able to breathe was I figured, even more dangerous. I finally managed to get the thing off and throw it on the passenger seat. I heard a bit of a tear, possibly my blouse and/or the bra. I didn't care. I was just so relieved to be free and able to breathe again. So, needless to say, no more bras for me! I'll have to wait until I'm actually nursing. From what I hear I'll need nursing pads as well. I already have a box of them on hand. A couple of people have told me you leak just thinking about your baby. Or when you hear a baby cry (even when it's not your own). It's kind of amazing what the body can do.

I will get back into shape after having the baby. I will work out and do yoga. And someday I do want to go out dancing again. It is my favourite form of exercise and more than that, it is a creative outlet, a release, a celebration. But I will be getting fit again for me, for my own health, not to impress someone else. I know that just having the baby means losing some weight, water weight can really add up (my feet won't be this huge when my veins aren't supporting the big belly.) Breastfeeding helps burn a lot of calories too.

A very talented photographer friend (James Harvey) offered to take some maternity shots of me. After all this is the first (and likely the last and only!) time I have been or will ever be pregnant so it makes sense to commemorate it. I do think that being pregnant is beautiful. I smile every time I see a pregnant woman. I have had people tell me how cute I am with my big beach ball belly. I've had people tell me that I have a glow and that I look very young. I certainly don't feel my age and I think that the baby is making me even younger. Even though it is harder to move around, to get up from a seated position (or even harder from lying down!), harder to do a lot of things while carrying this weight, I do still feel more vibrant, more full of life than ever. I literally am full of life with my baby growing inside of me! It is a gift and I do feel blessed. I will post the maternity photos in an upcoming blog when I get them. Photographs are so special to me. I take a lot of my own snapshots but to have someone who really knows what they're doing capture a moment for you is magical. When I had my CD release party years ago, James snapped some incredible shots that made me feel like a rock star! I couldn't have dreamed that one day he'd be taking pictures of me eight months pregnant! Life is so fleeting. You have to capture those moments before they're gone. It goes by so fast. And it's so nice to look back and see your life story in images. Tangible memories. I'm a sentimental fool. I want him to take photos of the baby too after she's born. I'll be taking thousands myself! I hope the flash doesn't bother her eyes. Everyone tells me how quickly they grow up. I want to cherish every moment, every step along the way.

It still blows my mind. All that has happened in the past eight months. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. In other ways it has flown by in the blink of an eye. We're more than halfway through June now. Just a little over a month until my due date. The home stretch. It is exciting. And scary. I still have things to sort out and organize. I try not to stress out too much. I know that everything is going to be OK.
When my family was leaving my place yesterday, I realized that my brother probably won't see me again until after I have the baby. (I see my sister and my parents all the time but see my brothers less frequently, usually only on special occasions.) In a month I will be holding my baby in my arms.

When I have trouble getting up or lose my breath climbing the stairs, I don't get too frustrated. I smile and rub my belly. I know that this stage of the journey won't last much longer and even when it's difficult, I'm grateful for it.

The girl that I was last summer, bikini-clad, driving to the beach with the top down, could not have dreamed that this summer I'd be having a baby. I'm happy that I got to be that girl for a while, but I'm happier to be the woman that I am now and the one that I am becoming. I used to think I wanted freedom, a carefree life but what I wanted most of all was love and it was something that always seemed to elude me. Sometimes I would think I had found it and it would wash away like a sandcastle, vanish like a dream. This baby, this love is more real than anything I've ever encountered. I feel more alive than ever. I have a greater sense of purpose. This is by far my greatest adventure. Better than any road trip. More exciting. More exhilarating. More beautiful. I am grateful for this.

And heck, baby and me will still head to the beach later and stretch marks or not I may even wear my old bikinis again!