Kisses and Hugs xoxoxo

Motherhood is a thankless job much of the time. It's the hardest job in the world. With the longest hours and the lowest pay. But it is also the most rewarding labour of love you could ever have.

Michelle couldn't possibly understand the sacrifices I've made for her -- physically, emotionally, financially and in every conceivable way -- turning my life as a carefree single girl on its head. She doesn't realize how much it takes out of me caring for her 24-7 without help, how much it hurts to lift her (all 17+ pounds of her) and carry her several times a day on a wrist that aches so badly sometimes I almost throw up (it's the wrist I had carpal tunnel in while pregnant and it is sure getting a workout now. There isn't much I can do. Keeping pressure off of it isn't an option. I've tried carrying her in my right arm instead and I can't seem to do it. It doesn't feel natural and then I can't do things with my left hand anyway so I'm kind of stuck.) How hard it is to get anything done when she doesn't give me a second's peace. How many things I've had to give up. How stressful it is trying to make ends meet and reorganize my life to do what's best for her. She can't say "Thank you Mama" for all that I do. She still hasn't said "Mama" though she did say "Nana" a few times. I know she's just making sounds at this point. She knows I'm her Mama though. She recognizes several words and that is definitely one. I just can't wait for her to say "Mama" and "I love you."

Even when she's old enough to talk she wouldn't necessarily understand or appreciate all that I've done and will do for her. Perhaps not until she's an adult and even then, until she has kids herself, she probably couldn't fully understand. I know my mother always told me "You won't understand until you're a mother yourself." I never expected to be a Mom but now that I am I see that she was right and I love and appreciate my Mom more than ever. Mothers do so much, give so much of themselves every day, asking for nothing in return. Even before you are born, carrying you and caring for you while pregnant. Then when you're a baby, doing everything for you, giving you all of her time and energy and love and throughout your life, being there for you no matter what. Motherhood is also a job that never ends. No matter how old your child gets, she's still your little girl.

I remember the song "No charge" by Tammy Wynette -- a mother's response to her son when he was asking to be paid for the chores that he did. I get teary hearing it or reading it because I'm a sentimental fool. The first time I heard the song many years ago I got a tear in my eye. I never could have imagined that one day I'd be a mother myself. The song is even more touching to me now.

"For the nine months I carried you growing inside me, no charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you, no charge.
For the time and the tears that you've cost through the years, no charge.
And when you add it all up the full cost of my love is no charge..."


Sometimes when I'm having a really bad day, on no sleep and Michelle is fussy and everything goes wrong, I wonder how I'll cope. Then when she smiles and laughs my stress melts away and I feel so grateful. Recently she has started doing the sweetest thing ever. Suddenly she'll lean in and put her mouth on my cheek. She doesn't understand about puckering up yet but her intentions are good. Michelle gives me a kiss. Her own open-mouthed awkward baby version of a kiss. I love it. My heart melts and I feel like the luckiest person on earth each time she does it. I kiss her back and say "What a nice girl! I love you, sweet girl!" Sometimes she'll do it on command when I say "Give Mama kisses?" (which is how my sister was able to capture these photos of her kissing me) but other times she just spontaneously kisses me and hugs me, often several times a day. She'll clasp my face gently and put her mouth on my cheek. And it makes everything I go through (even my worst days) worthwhile. Sure she can be a shrieking monster sometimes but then she can be my sweet little angel. And in those moments it does feel like she's saying "Thank you Mama" and "I love you."

Mind you her first kiss was on Grandma's cheek, not Mom's and yes I was understandably hurt! She only sees my Mom now and then and sees me all the time. It's like I was being taken for granted. I got over it. I know that she loves her Grandma and Grandpa and gets excited when we visit them. Now that Michelle is kissing me all the time it makes me so happy. Of course I have always been affectionate with her. I kiss her hundreds of times a day. Everytime I'm holding her (which is often!) I can't resist kissing her. I noticed when I used to take her to the public playtime that no one else seemed to kiss their babies at all. Perhaps I'm strange, just overly affectionate. I can't help it. I'm happy to see that Michelle is affectionate too. She's also very intense (as I am and her father was) which can be good and bad. She gets so excited by the smallest things (even just drinking water from her sippy cup by herself) that she'll scream and squeal at the top of her lungs in delight or clench her fists and shake. She also gets upset beyond belief and has a stage 3 meltdown when she's overtired and cranky, doesn't get her way instantly, etc. My Mom says I'm probably making it worse by spoiling her and catering to her every whim, never letting her cry for more than a second. I can't help it. I would feel too guilty letting her cry. It's also probably the most stressful sound on the planet. When my Mom is on speakerphone and Michelle starts screaming (because she's on the change table for instance, which she HATES), Mom usually ends the call because she can't take the noise.

There was no escape for Mom though when she was in the car with Michelle screaming on the way to the Princess Margaret Dream Home the other day! It's been a tradition with my sister, my Mom and I for the last several years to go and tour the PMHF Lottery Dream Home. The homes are always massive and beautifully decorated. It's fascinating to walk through an over 8,000 square foot home, to see how the other half lives. The experience is a lot different now with the baby though. For one we have to take separate cars because of the child seats. I followed my sister there. A long drive with the baby isn't always a picnic. Sometimes she sleeps and is content but when she has reached her limit, she certainly lets you know. The sound of an infant shrieking is even more stressful in the confines of a vehicle when you're trying to concentrate on the road on a six lane highway. My Mom sat in the backseat with Michelle to entertain her, give her a drink etc while we drove but she could only do so much. Michelle doesn't like being strapped in her carseat for very long and when she's had enough, she screams.

We made it there in one piece anyway and Michelle was good as gold while we were in the house. She seemed fascinated by it all. I put her in the kangaroo carrying pouch my Mom had given me to save my arms. It's murder on my back and shoulders but at least my wrists get a break. Strangers commented on how cute she was and how she "had the best seat in the house!" It feels kind of weird carrying her in front of me like that with my hands free. It's like she's an alien leaping out of my stomach. The house was crowded and I had to make sure people didn't bump into her.


Michelle has really been a handful lately. She's back to barely sleeping at all so it's very hard to get things done and I can't leave her for a second while she's awake because she's pulling up on everything and standing precariously and I'm constantly afraid she's going to fall and bang her head. My Mom says she'll never learn to do it on her own if I'm constantly catching her but I can't let her fall. I'm trying to teach her to fall on her butt so it doesn't hurt. I know that even when she can stand and sit back down and walk by herself the worries won't end -- then new worries will begin. She's already trying to get into EVERYTHING. She grabs at everything in sight. She's so curious she just has to be into everything. I let her explore things if I figure they can't hurt her. She had a great time tearing up some of the flyers and my junk mail (I don't let her touch newsprint and get her hands black but anything that has magazine quality pages is fair game.) She loves to rip and crinkle paper. I have to keep the Kleenex box out of reach or she pulls all the tissues out.

I never expected to be a Mom but now that I am one I know it was meant to be. I couldn't have imagined how much I could love someone, especially someone who can be so difficult and demanding at times. Sure she drives me crazy sometimes but she's worth it. I've given up sleep, money, my figure, most of my hobbies, life as I knew it. What I've gained is something more precious than anything -- a love beyond my wildest dreams. I feel so blessed. I am so grateful. I love her so much sometimes it feels like my heart may burst -- like the Grinch at the end of the animated Dr. Seuss classic "The Grinch that Stole Christmas" when his heart grows to three times its size and breaks the meter and he suddenly has the strength of 10 men and lifts the sleigh over his head. When Michelle hugs and kisses me, I know that she is the sweetest, most precious, most important thing in my life and I will do anything for her.

The Learning Curve



Photo by James Harvey

It's hard to believe it's only been a couple of months so far. In some ways it feels like a year. Yet in another way it's gone by in the blink of an eye. I feel like a different person than I was two months ago. A little more relaxed. A little more patient. (Though I still lose it occasionally!) Overall I feel more confident, more comfortable in my role as a Mom. It feels natural to me now. Of course there are still a lot of things I have to learn along the way, milestones for Michelle and I, but I feel more competent to deal with challenges. I'm starting to get the hang of this motherhood thing!

When I first came home with Michelle I was petrified and overwhelmed. I felt so unsure of myself as a mother. I didn't know what I was doing. It was all new to me. The baby seemed so fragile, like a precious glass vase worth a million dollars. You're afraid to even hold it, terrified of breaking it somehow. With her unstable neck and soft spot on her head I was so nervous about picking her up, holding her, carrying her. The first time I bathed her was the most frightening. I was a nervous wreck. Trembling as I lifted her into the tub. Would she scream the whole time? Would she be too slippery to hold? I had a little whale tub that has a special insert for newborns so she could sit in it and I didn't have to hold her the whole time but I was still scared. She did cry that first time. Maybe she sensed my nervousness. Now we both look forward to "bathies." She's always good for them, wide-eyed and fascinated by the whole thing. She seems to love the water. She kicks her feet and splashes. She even had her first bathtime smile this week (she smiles a lot but hadn't smiled in the bath before.) I try to entertain her during the bath with squeaky voices and songs like "Rubber Ducky" from Sesame Street and "Splish Splash" from the 1950s (which is especially appropriate when I give her a bath on Saturday night as I often do. "Splish splash I was taking a bath, all upon a Saturday night..." Yes, I'm a geek.) Michelle seems to get a kick out of it anyway. Months ago I dreaded her bathtime and kept putting it off. It was so stressful to me, even though she didn't cry I was a nervous wreck. It used to seem like such an ordeal and so difficult. Now it's become routine and I look forward to it. I clear off the counter, bring up the whale tub and fill it (often with one hand while Michelle is in my other arm.) She likes it and it usually settles her down for a good sleep. I know now to time her bath just before her bedtime feeding so once she's all cozy in her sleeper and ready for bed I feed her and then most of the time she'll go to sleep for a few hours (there are no guarantees however, sometimes it seems NOTHING will get her to sleep!)

In the first week I worried about breastfeeding (Would she get enough milk? Would I, and my nipples, survive it?) It was traumatic for me physically and emotionally. I felt so drained feeding her non-stop and feeling like she still wasn't getting enough. And I was bruised, bleeding and chewed to bits by her. I didn't want to give up (though some people were telling me I was crazy and why don't I just switch to formula.) The nipple shield was a godsend. I'd be lost without it. It saves me from bleeding and bruising. Michelle is a pretty voracious eater. She's stronger than the breast pump. And it still feels like she has teeth! I enjoy feeding her though and love the bond that I feel with her. The only time I don't enjoy feeding her is in public which I pretty much refuse to do but I always go prepared with a bottle of my breast milk (which I pump and store when I know I have an outing, like a doctor's appointment, coming up). I am grateful that I've been able to breastfeed and that Michelle is doing so well. At each of her check-ups the doctor has been impressed with how healthy she is and the weight that she gains. I am so relieved that it worked out and I'm glad that I didn't give up when the going was rough in the beginning. I used to lose track of which breast I'd fed her on last. Now I know. I can tell by which breast feels more full (almost hard, engorged.) The whole thing seems magical to me how we're able to produce milk to feed our babies. I feel the letdown when it happens. It's a prickly stinging sensation. When she feeds on one side the other side leaks a little so I've gotten used to having a cloth handy so it doesn't drip everywhere. In the beginning I worried I wouldn't be able to produce enough milk. Now I know that there's more than enough. It's supply and demand so as long as she demands it, it will be supplied.

Michelle doesn't seem so fragile anymore. She can hold her head up well. I can still see the soft spot pulsing on her head but it's getting smaller. I don't feel as fragile anymore. I don't worry so much. I feel more confident as a Mom. I used to be so tenuous and held her so carefully in the cradle position. I didn't like holding her upright against my shoulder (I worried too much about supporting her head.) Now I hold her in either arm in any position though I seem to favour the left arm. She seems to like being upright against my shoulder the best. My sister always used her right arm. It just feels more natural to me to have her on the left and then I have my right arm free to do things. I've become much more adept at doing things with one hand. Occasionally I've even had to lift things with my feet in a pinch!

Thankfully Michelle will be good for a while in her swing, her bumbo or her jumperoo (she's really too small for jumping but just barely fits into the seat and seems to enjoy it. She does bounce around a little. Her legs are so strong and she's constantly kicking. So this gives her a chance to almost stand up on her own.) which allows me to do things like go to the bathroom etc. For a long while there I was just holding it in when I had to go to the washroom because she'd cry and wouldn't let me put her down. I was actually causing myself internal damage!

Life has gotten easier in many ways. Partly because Michelle has settled down somewhat and partly because I don't worry as much. I feel more competent. So many things that seemed difficult if not impossible in the beginning are second nature to me now. I was awkward with the carseat initially and didn't know how to get it into a shopping cart. Now lifting the carseat in and out hundreds of times, it's easy. I struggled with the stroller at first and couldn't seem to unfold it properly then I had a hard time fitting it back into the trunk (it just barely fits). Now I can get the stroller out of the trunk and set up in seconds and put it away easily too. It doesn't seem as heavy and cumbersome anymore because I'm used to it. And Michelle, though she's getting heavier, seems easier to carry because my arms are getting stronger. It's like anything. You do it enough times and it's bound to get easier.

Becoming a new Mom is like starting any other job (but the most important and rewarding job you'll ever have!) There's a learning curve. You are scared and uncertain at the start because you don't have the knowledge or experience. You doubt and second guess yourself. You feel like a fish out of water. It seems like you just don't get it. But then you start, you learn as you go, it gets easier and soon you feel like a pro. Your skills improve. You progress. You go from being a novice to an expert. I had read books about babies and what to expect but it's not the same as actually living it. No book can prepare you for how difficult it's actually going to be. Motherhood is a hands-on job. No guide book, no advice from friends or family, nothing can adequately prepare you for what you are going to encounter. You have to live it. Anything can sound good in theory but until you put it in practice, you just don't know. Case in point -- I was against using a soother initially. I was worried it would interfere with breastfeeding or that she'd get "addicted" to it and it didn't seem right. I was morally opposed to them! But after enduring one too many inconsolable screaming bouts, I finally caved out of desperation. You get to a point where you'd try just about anything. Now I love it. The doctor said it couldn't do any harm and I stopped feeling guilty about it. I realized there are times when she just needs a little extra comfort. She tries chewing on her fist. The pacifier is just an easy fix when she's fussy and overtired. It's a HUGE help, especially when she starts to fuss in the grocery store. Giving her a soother for a few moments of silence is far preferable to a dramatic scene with her screaming at the check-out. Sometimes it soothes her so much she actually falls asleep. I read that a soother is actually good for them to have while sleeping because it helps them to breathe better and reduces the risk of SIDS.

You do whatever works (provided it won't hurt them!) White noise. Car rides. Through trial and error you learn what works. You adapt as necessary. Part of being a Mom is being flexible. You can have plans that sound great in theory but just don't hold up in real life. Life happens. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. The road to Hell was paved with good intentions. Sometimes you need to admit when you're wrong and bend a little. The road to Heaven is paved with compromises.

It's funny because for most of my life I had never imagined myself as a Mom and didn't think I could do it but now it feels like the role was meant for me. I've never been happier. I love Michelle more than anything. She is my destiny. Now don't get me wrong, I still have my bad days! Sometimes I get frustrated. I cry. Exhausted and sleep-deprived much of the time it can tear you down. Everyone has bad days. After a series of good days I started to think that we'd turned a corner. I had reached a point where I felt like "I got this!" I was used to Michelle's idiosyncracies and rhythms. I thought I had her all figured out. When she wants to feed (every 2 hours during the day and every 3-4 hours through the night). When she needs to be changed. When she's sleepy. When she's overtired and cranky. It seemed to be getting easier. She was behaving better overall, actually let me go shopping without screaming. I thought I had become a master at predicting her moods, anticipating and meeting her needs. But Michelle is not a subject that you can learn, like mathematics. She is not an instrument you can master, like a violin. She is a very unique and very complicated little human. Just when you think you have it all figured out, all the rules change. Suddenly, she was feeding more erratically. She wouldn't sleep at all, day or night. I didn't know what to do. I can never get too cocky or she will remind me just how unpredictable, volatile and complex she really is!

Sometimes it seems like she's a little devil, being impossible just for the fun of it, just to show me who's boss. (There's no question that she is!) There were times I thought she must be hungry by now. She'd be crying and chewing her fist. All her other needs had been met. It had to be hunger. So I'd try to nurse her. And she'd scream and turn away and push me away. "OK. So you're not hungry?" so I'd give up and try to pacify her with something else to no avail. Then I would try to feed her again and she would latch on and feed voraciously as though she was starving. But if she was starving why wouldn't she eat the first time?! Or she'd be so tired her eyelids were droopy and she could barely keep her eyes open but instead of falling asleep she'd cry. I'd walk with her for hours, singing to her, dancing with her. Then I'd pass by the mirror to check if she was asleep and her eyes were still open. It was like she was straining to stay awake. Why wouldn't she sleep if she was tired?! I added some of my own lyrics to "If you're happy and you know it, stamp your feet." I started to sing "If you're hungry and you know it, then you eat" and "If you're tired and you know it, go to sleep!" Why would she fight the very things she wants and then complain about it? It doesn't make sense unless she's deliberately being contrary. In a book of nursery rhymes that I read to her they have the one "There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good, she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid!" The girl in the illustration just happens to be a redhead. Coincidence? Fiery hair, fiery temper. (And yes, I am one too. And yes I was an impossible baby too!)

When she had those difficult days I wondered if it was something I was doing? Did she dislike something I'd eaten that came through my breast milk? I tried cutting out caffeine. It made no difference. Sometimes I think she just has a bad day, gets in a mood and needs to blow off some steam. The saving grace is that usually when she has a really bad day, she's good the next day, either because she's exhausted herself and doesn't have the energy for a tantrum or because she realizes I need a break to keep my sanity and goes easy on me!

I don't have it all figured out because you can't figure Michelle out! She won't let you. The only thing you can expect is the unexpected because the minute you think you see a pattern, she will change it just to throw you off. People will ask me "When does she usually..." (eat, go to sleep, etc.) There is no usually. Every day stands on its own. She has some good days where she doesn't cry too much, sleeps well and is a dream. Then she has some really really bad days where she screams, doesn't sleep and is an absolute nightmare hell-child. But just when you think you can't take anymore, you're at the end of your rope, so frustrated, so exhausted you could collapse, she'll suddenly disarm you with one of her killer smiles -- a big, wide, adorable grin that makes you forgive her for everything. When she is at peace, she is an absolute angel. She has so many adorable expressions -- curious and funny, sweet and innocent. Those are the moments I have to hold on to and remember when she's being a little devil!

The other day she looked up at me, gazing intently into my eyes. I'd never seen the look before. It was different. It was something more than curiosity, it was more like awe. It was a look of love. I felt as though she was realizing I'm her Mommy. I'm the voice she hears singing her lullabies on my shoulder, reading her stories in the rocking chair. I was the voice that she heard, even before she was born. I'm the arms that carry her around for countless hours, rocking her, dancing her, swaying with her. The one that feeds her, changes her, dresses her, bathes her, plays with her and talks with a silly squeaky voice. I'm the face that greets her every morning and smiles and laughs with her. And then she smiled and my heart welled up with so much love. Sometimes when she's crying I hold her face up to my face and look into her eyes and she stops crying. It's as though she understands. I give her everything. She is my world and I am hers. We're in this together. Sometimes she cuts me some slack and goes easier on me. Other times she cries but maybe she doesn't even know what she wants. It must seem a strange world to her sometimes. I can tell she wants to communicate and I think it frustrates her that she can't. Sometimes life is confusing and overwhelming, for all of us, especially when you're so new to the world and you have so much to learn. How can she understand it all? It's hard for me to understand life sometimes and I've been around more than four decades.

She is learning to hold her head up. She's getting better at tummy time. Her neck is quite strong now. She is learning to sit up. The Bumbo chair is great for that and she really seems to enjoy it. She's learning to grab and hold things. She even held my hand the other day which was possibly the sweetest moment of my life. She seems quite interested when I read her books. She really tries to communicate with little sounds. She is learning more each day and will continue to learn, more in her first year than in the rest of her lifetime they say.

I am learning and it's an ongoing process. I'll never be done. I'll never have it all figured out. Each day is different. And there are always new challenges to meet. Michelle is anything but predictable. I do understand some of her little quirks but I can never fully understand everything that she does. At least once she can talk she can tell me what she wants without me having to guess. There are so many milestones coming. Standing, crawling, walking, talking. It will be exciting but each stage will bring new challenges. The rules will constantly change.

While I do feel more confident as a Mom overall, I know there are still a million things left for me to discover along the way. I know that I will make mistakes. I will always have Michelle to keep me humble. If I ever feel too sure of myself, she will no doubt put me back in my place and remind me that I can never have her all figured out, never have all the answers. Each day is a new adventure and I'll always be learning. She will keep growing and keep my guessing. She is full of surprises.