MAYhem

It seems like a lifetime since I've posted but it's only been since April. I meant to write something in May but May was a hectic month and gone in a blur. Now I don't even know where to begin. It was a rough month. Between working and special occasions there was so much going on it seemed like I never had a chance to catch my breath. I'm fortunate to have a job where I'm home more days than I work. The down side is that when I do work the shifts are very long (14-15 hours with the commute) and include weekends and stat holidays. This May unfortunately I had to work on Mother's Day, my birthday and my sister's birthday. I still had a little time with the family before work (on nightshift) but it was difficult.


I don't know why I feel this need to "catch up" in the blogs but I do and it's tough because I never have much time and now it feels like I'm so far behind. I would like to do one post a month. That was the plan but somehow two months slipped between my fingers. Now I can't even remember what happened in April! Seems like a year ago...I'll have to look back at the photos. They're like a diary in images. Photos are my way of holding on and recalling things

because I have a hard time even remembering what happened yesterday (I make notes in my calendar as well to keep track of things. My short term memory is SHOT. If you've seen Finding Nemo think of the Dory character. I'm not quite that far gone but well on my way.) I looked back at my April uploads and found these shots I almost forgot about. It was a fairy costume I got before Michelle was born and almost didn't fit her so I figured I better do a photo shoot before she outgrows it. She's already wearing size 3 clothes (and has the vocabulary of a 3-4 year old.) I constantly have people tell me how bright she is and I'm very proud of her but at the same time, she is the most difficult child you can possibly imagine. And she's moodier than ever. She went through a stage (and I hope it's over now!) where she would haul off and hit me <WHACK> out of the blue, for no reason (well because she was tired/cranky or there's a bit of her father-monster in her). So I'd say "That's not nice! You don't hit Mama. You don't hit ANYONE. EVER." Then she'd throw herself on the floor and scream and cry. "Why are YOU crying? I should be crying!" I'd say. Then later she'll be sweet as pie, hugging me and saying "I love you Mommy." Yeah I think there is a bit of her father in her. Runs hot and cold. I adore her but she drives me bat-sh%$ crazy sometimes!

I love dressing her up. She's like a living doll. If I'm being honest that was one of the reasons I really wanted a girl. Michelle was a bunny for Easter, of course. Though I had a hard time keeping the ears on her. Princess will gladly wear a tiara but she wasn't too keen on the ears. The bunny outfit suited her with her two teeth at the front. She's actually getting a lot more teeth now. When she laughs I really see them coming in. She has more front teeth and molars at the back. I don't know whether teething has anything to do with how difficult she's been. The screaming fits, the lack of sleep. It's hard to say. Could just be that she's a redhead and a spoiled Princess redhead at that. And yes, coddling attachment parent that I am, I know I am at least partly to blame.

Michelle's tantrums have reached EPIC proportions. "Terrible twos" (and she's not even two yet, God help me) doesn't begin to describe the fury that this kid can unleash. When she is angry because she didn't get her way INSTANTLY, is overtired (which is her own fault because she won't sleep), falls and gets hurt or anything else goes wrong in the little Princess' perfect world, there is HELL to pay. She will scream like she's being murdered. Throws herself down, red in the face, shrieking like something unholy and over NOTHING AT ALL. It's infuriating. It's terrifying. There are days I just bawl my eyes out because I don't know how to deal with her. It feels like I do so much for her, sacrifice so much for her, bend over backwards to make her happy and it's never enough. My sister, very sympathetically got me a book "Reasons My Kid is Crying" by Greg Pembroke and it features photos of kids having tantrums for the most random reasons. It made me laugh, even through tears. At least I know I'm not alone. It can be extremely frustrating though. It's part of the reason I have no social life. I'm limited in what I can do. I avoid situations out of fear she'll make a scene. I'm afraid to make plans, afraid of what she'll do.
The one party/BBQ I attempted to attend was a fiasco. She seemed OK at first, playing with other kids, but then mid-afternoon she had a full-blown tantrum over nothing and I left so we wouldn't ruin it for everyone else. She was screaming "Nap! Nap!" (this is what my kid does -- instead of going to sleep like a normal human would when she's tired, she screams "Nap!" and doesn't sleep.) Then we get home and sure enough she doesn't even go to sleep. She starts running around and wanting to play. "I left the party because of you and now you don't even want a nap anyway?!" Family events are different. I figure my family loves us no matter what but around anyone else I feel embarrassed when Michelle goes ballistic. It feels like people will be looking at me and shaking their heads in judgment "Gheesh. Can't you control your kid?" Because before I had kids sometimes I thought that way. And the truth is, no I can't control a force of nature! She's like a volcano or a tornado sometimes. I mostly just try to keep the peace and avoid situations that will set her off. Yes I'm OWNED by a 22 month old. I sacrifice my own life and sleep and happiness and just about everything for her sake.

My nephew James' First Communion was one of the most stressful days I can remember. I was afraid it wasn't going to go well. My fears were well-founded. Being in church involves two things that Michelle is utterly incapable of: being quiet and being still. The service hadn't even started yet and she was wriggling to get out of my arms, trying to run out of the pew. She wanted to run around the church. She could see no reason to stay in one spot when there was a whole new place to explore. When we go into a store she runs amok (she even mocks me saying "Mama! I'm running amok!") It drives me crazy. I've seen People of Walmart photos where the Mom has her kid on a leash and trust me, it's tempting! (My Mom used harnesses on us. I don't actually think I could do it.) Michelle won't stay in the stroller. She wants to walk around. She'll hold my hand and walk nicely for a bit but then she'll take off like a shot all of a sudden and I can barely catch her (I've got to remember to wear running shoes instead of sandals.) My warnings about possible abductions (though I pity the fool who would try to grab her) go unheeded. She laughs and sprints off as fast and as far as she can get from me. So I have to race like a lunatic to chase and catch her. And I feel the disapproving looks. Strangers shaking their heads and thinking "Tsk. Can't you control your kid?!" So naturally Michelle wanted to run around the church. If she'd had her way she'd have run screaming up to the altar with her arms flung open. She kept straining to look around. She saw that there was a balcony and yelled out "Mama! I want to go up!" so I took her upstairs hoping that would keep her quiet. Then she was yelling "Mama! I want to go down!" so I complied. I would whisper in her ear "Please Michelle. Be a good girl for Mama. Be quiet." She'd yell back "NO! No way!" and people in the pew behind laughed. I could see my brother and his girlfriend giggling. Yeah, laugh it up. It's hilarious when it's not your kid.

I spent the entire service stressed, sweating, wrestling with a wriggling, struggling, kicking monster, trying to keep her from shouting out, screaming, crying or otherwise causing a scene. Everyone around me smiling in amusement. No one the slightest bit concerned that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It would be funny if it weren't happening to me. I finally took her outside when I couldn't take it anymore and watched the rest of the mass from the vestibule trying to keep Michelle from catapulting out the open door and down the cement steps. Then another little girl came and Michelle was trying to take the beads off her shoes.

I was hoping Michelle would have gone over to see Shannon and Reggie at the end of the pew since she is always going on about them and loves when we visit Auntie May but no she spent the whole time torturing me instead. It was excruciating and felt a lot longer than an hour. It didn't help that the priest went blathering on a long-winded homily (usually they try to keep things short and sweet when kids are involved so they don't lose patience but this guy had no clue. Sorry Father Whoever You Are. I love Jesus too but can you wrap this puppy up, I'm trying to get out of here alive!) Ironically, once the service was over, Michelle sat in the seat, good as gold, reading the hymn books. "Why couldn't you do that DURING the mass?!" I sighed. She just laughed at me. "Mama, I read books?"

I told Michelle about Mother's Day and even taught her to say Happy Mother's Day which she said perfectly several times until the day actually came and then she refused to say it. My Mom made me a little card as though it was from Michelle. It was hard only having a little time with the family before I had to go to work. It always breaks my heart to leave Michelle and that day was especially hard leaving the whole family as well. At least she was so distracted and excited having the whole gang there and playing in the backyard that she hardly noticed when I left at first. I always have to sneak out so she doesn't scream and cling to my leg. My Mom said she usually does fuss a little after she realizes I'm gone but then calms down eventually. I have enough guilt over leaving her without hearing her scream when I go. I have to earn a living. Everyone tells me she's probably better off having some time away from me anyway. I spend more time with her than probably anyone spends with their children. Most people work Monday-Friday and even if they don't work they have commitments, hobbies, social outings, time for themselves away from the kids. Most people get a sitter so that they can do things. The only time I have my Mom watch Michelle is when I go to work. That's the closest I come to a break/vacation and I even feel bad about that! I don't know why I beat myself up over it. I grew up in a household where Mom was at home and maybe that's in the back of my mind but being a Single Mom it's just not an option. I have to work.

Mother's Day is the day that Moms are usually supposed to get a break, a thank you, some gesture of appreciation for all she does. It's tough when you're a single Mom, especially with a young child. Of course Michelle couldn't make me breakfast in bed or bring flowers or a gift. I did wind up getting a bit of a break ironically by going to work.

I felt bad that my Mom had to watch Michelle on Mother's Day. My Mom loves Michelle so much. She says it's like having me back again as a little girl (mind you, that can be a bad thing too! I wasn't always a picnic either!) Before I went to work we had three heart-shaped pizzas, for the three Moms -- Mom, May and I. It was a cute idea. Nothing says "I love you Mom" like a heart-shaped pizza! At least Michelle did say "I love you Mommy" which she says often and which is the sweetest sound in the world and could make me forgive her anything.


Michelle knows how to say and even sing "Happy Birthday" but of course she wouldn't do it on my birthday. She can do so many things but she has to feel like it. It's basically impossible to MAKE her do anything she doesn't want to do. She'll shake her head "No!" She'll even scrunch up her nose and frown and go "No WAY!" "She's so contrary!" my Mom said. Contradicts you just to be difficult. Says "No!" even when it's something she wants.

It was tough having to work but I knew we'd be celebrating with the family on the weekend anyway. My sister and I had a combined birthday party this year. It just made more sense in a month of birthdays (and when I had to work so much). Also, we're at the age now where we don't really WANT to remember or have our ages singled out! I actually can't believe how old we are. I think I'm just going to be 39 from now on! Age is just a number anyway. I recently heard about Ernestine Shepherd who won the Guinness World Record for oldest female body builder at 77 years old. Look for her on Youtube. She looks amazing! Girl is RIPPED! No excuses. Never say you "can't."

Since 99% of my energy goes to taking care of Michelle, I haven't really been taking care of myself. I decided to become healthier and to get back in shape. I started working out in April. It's very hard to find the time and energy but I'm committed. I finished Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I had done it years ago and lost 17 lbs then but now I was having a much harder time. I only lost 5 lbs this time around (different being older and having had a baby) but must have gained muscle because I could see and feel the difference and felt a lot stronger. I've been counting calories as well (calculated my BMI to see how many calories I burn then creating a calorie deficit for weight loss.) It's been a challenge and frustrating to say the least. I'm at the age where your metabolism slows and you lose muscle mass so if you don't really work at it you're certain to gain weight. I'm determined to get my pre-baby belly back, or at least a reasonable approximation so after the 30 Day Shred I started Jillian's "Six Week Six Pack" and have lost another 5 pounds and have more muscle definition. It's an uphill battle but I'm not giving up. As much as I hate working out, I do like the feeling that it gives me afterward. I feel stronger and healthier and it feels good to be doing something for myself for a change. I was hoping to have a six pack in time for bikini season but I don't have much longer to go now. While I do see a difference, I'm still not quite where I want to be. I'm not giving up. I already have my next workout, Jillian's "Yoga Inferno," picked out. I am a work in progress.

I am so happy to have my big crazy family. They are what keeps me going. Michelle loves them too. She loves Grandma and Grandpa whom she sees the most obviously since my Mom is my child care. We visit Auntie May quite often too and Michelle is ALWAYS asking to see Auntie May, Shannon and Reggie. Now she's getting quite attached to her godfather Uncle Chris too. Everyone noticed how Michelle isn't so shy around them anymore. She comes out of her shell much more quickly and talks and laughs with them.

After the combined celebration for May and I we got together for Shannon and Reggie's birthdays (which will always be combined because they were born on the same day, which still blows my mind! What are the odds? 1/365 at least!)

It's nice having Shane's family there too so our big crazy family is even bigger and with more kids running around. Michelle had a blast. It was a beautiful day so we were able to enjoy some of it outside. Michelle came out of her shell with Shane's family. She even went outside with Shane's sister Jenn and was holding her hand and leading her around. It's a relief to me that she is comfortable with other people and doesn't have to cling to me every second. It used to be she would cower in my arms most of the time. Now she seems to feel safe much sooner at family events. I guess because there have been so many she's gotten used to them.

Everyone was amazed at the things Michelle could say and do. She can basically say anything and everything. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs. She speaks in full sentences. Some of the funny things she's come off with lately are: "If you're good you make Mama happy and proud. If you're bad you make Mama sad and mad." (Which is pretty accurate and a brilliant deduction. Now if only she'd bear this in mind before having a tantrum!) Whenever she asks to have something of mine (like makeup or chewing gum or drinking Coke -- Coke Zero now that I'm dieting!) I tell her not until she's older so now she's started saying "If you get older and older, have to use makeup (chew gum, drink Coke)." I explained to her that you don't "have to" but it becomes an option. She plays with dolls, especially Cinderella and Prince Charming and she loves her Ken dolls (missing that male figure in her life I guess) and has them walk around and talk, making voices for them. It's adorable watching her play. She's so imaginative the other day at my Mom's she picked up a lawn ornament squirrel and told us he was sick and had to go to the hospital (pronounced hops-pedal.) "Did you teach her that?" my Mom asked. "No," I said, "she must have picked it up from TV or a movie or something." She is like a sponge. She takes in everything. So I'm very careful NOT to use expletives around her. Now she'll say things like "Oh dear!" and "Good Heavens!" from hearing me say it and it's hilarious. She will basically parrot everything you say to her. My Mom thought she was just saying words without understanding them but then one night in the bath we somehow got on the topic of opposites and she knew them all! "What's the opposite of UP?" "DOWN!" she says proudly. She knew black/white, girl/boy, cold/hot, near/far, hello/goodbye, awake/asleep, happy/sad. She knew all of them. Even ones I never expected her to recognize. Even ones I tried to trick her with. She does have a couple of books on opposites but I was using ones that weren't even in the book. She isn't just saying words. She understands them. One day when I said to her "You don't understand." she said "I understand, Mama. I understand." And I think she does. People say that kids shouldn't watch TV but I don't think it's hurt her at all. If anything it's taught her a lot. I only ever have it on Treehouse (aside from when I watch The Bachelorette!) She responds back to shows like Dora and the Bubble Guppies when they'll ask a question. It's educational. And I know she learned a lot of her vocabulary from watching Disney movies and "Shrek." Princess now even goes around singing "Someday my Prince will come" from Snow White and the lantern song in "Tangled" (Rapunzel.) One day she was singing something about coming back and shadows. "What are you singing baby?" Then I realized it was part of "Danny Boy" -- from my Mom singing it to her in the car on the way to the store. "But come ye back when Summer's in the meadow" -- she didn't have all the words exactly but it was pretty close. "How old is she?!" someone asked me in a store the other day after they heard her talking. "Just turned 22 months." "She's a GENIUS!" they said. Perhaps. Unfortunately there's a fine line between genius and insanity. And she crosses that line, let me tell you.

I was reading to Michelle before she was even born. My Mom said she read to me in utero and I really thought there was something to it. I know that's one of the most important things I did for her. Michelle loves books. I got her a big book of fairy tales and now she loves pretending to read The Three Little Pigs, The Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood and has me read them to her OVER and OVER again. I'll watch her sitting with the book, turning the pages carefully, reciting the story in so much detail she could be reading it. I think that's why she has me read them so much. She's trying to memorize them. I wish I could catch her on camera but as soon as she sees the camera she stops. When I teach her a new word (which is rare now because she knows just about everything) Michelle is excited, as though I've given her a gift. Once in a while there's a random word (like hospital) that I realize has just never come up in conversation. She was saying "panino" for piano until I corrected her and then she said it right. One word she chooses to say her own way and my Mom and I have not been able to cure her of: she says "MIND!" instead of "MINE!" and you can't convince her otherwise. Everything is hers by the way. The house we live in, the car I drive, my makeup, everything is Michelle's. "Mind!" she'll exclaim and grab at whatever it is. "You mean MINE without the D but you're mistaken anyway. It's not yours." She screws up her nose and says "MIND!" all the more defiantly. "Whatever."

One big change since my last post is that Michelle LOVES going to the playground now and loves the swings and the slide. We go every day that it's nice out. When Spring started she was timid at the park -- wouldn't go on the swings at all, wanted my help to go up the slides. When another child came near her she'd run and hide behind my leg and even say "I'm shy." Now she loves the swings and the slides and goes up and down herself. She's more outgoing with other kids as well. There are a couple of friendly girls at the park that she plays with and she even says "hi" to kids she doesn't know now. She went up to a group of boys under the slide one day and said "Hi!" (I will have to warn her not to be too friendly with boys as she gets older!)














































































I am still in awe that we're into June already. April and May just flew by. Time goes so quickly. Between occasions and working and working out and trying to keep up with a speedy twenty-two month old, life has been sheer mayhem! Somehow writing this brings peace to the chaos. It is my way of putting our lives in order. These are the Coles Notes of our life stories. I'm going to try to do a post a month so I'll leave June for the next one. Hopefully I get it done before August!

When I look at Michelle now, she's looking more and more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her personality (very headstrong, dramatic, larger than life) shines through. She can be a monster. And it's not easy to deal with, especially on my own. Sometimes I feel stressed and overwhelmed. It is a strain on me never getting a break. No vacation. No time to myself. So many women have said they need that time for their own sanity (a break in the afternoon to meet a friend for lunch or get their nails done etc.) My workouts have become my "me time" though I'm often having to do them with her underfoot, worrying am I going to accidentally clock her in the head. (I tried to wait til she was in bed at night except that she often doesn't settle down til the wee hours of the morning and then I'm too exhausted.)

Life with Michelle may be more challenging than anything I've ever experienced but it is also more joyful. I am incredibly grateful to have this little girl in my life. At her worst, she is very trying and sometimes almost pushes me over the edge but at her best she is an angel, the most extraordinary person I've ever known and I feel so blessed to have her.

When she says "I love you Mommy" and hugs me tight, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. And it's worth all that I've given up and all that I do. It's worth months and years of mayhem and struggle and sacrifice. It's worth anything. She is my life now. I'm owned by a 22 month old. And that's OK.

18 months!

"Use your words!" I found myself saying. She certainly has enough of them. But sometimes screaming is still her preferred method of communication. Anyone who has ever been trapped in a small space with a shrieking infant can appreciate how stressful it is. Sometimes it's all you can do to keep from driving into oncoming traffic. We were on the way to Michelle's 18 month checkup/needles and she screamed for most of the drive. She was cranky and tired but wouldn't sleep. She cried for her soother, which she had spit out but was still attached to her. She screamed for her milk, which I tried to hand her (reaching from the front seat while trying to drive on the highway I might add) but she kicked away. There are days when she is simply impossible. She can't stand being confined -- so if she is awake and in her carseat or the stroller, she is screaming. It's brutal. I can barely go shopping anymore. It was easier when she was smaller and I could wait until she fell asleep in the car then gently lift the seat out and click it into the stroller so she'd stay asleep (most of the time at least) while I shopped in peace. Now she is in the stage 2 seat which can't be removed so if she falls asleep in the car I have to lift her out to sit her up in the stroller. A couple of times I got lucky and she went right back to sleep so I could shop in silence. (What a treat! It was like winning the lottery!) Unfortunately, especially on the sort of freezing -30 degree days we've been having, she usually wakes up the instant I lift her outside. So she screams and I either don't get to shop at all or I have to race through the store, stressed and embarrassed.

By the time we got to the doctor's office, I was pretty frazzled. "She screamed the whole way here" I told the receptionist. "That must have been stressful," she said, sympathetically. Sometimes it feels good to be acknowledged. "A little," I nodded. One time in a store as I was struggling to hold Michelle while checking out, the clerk kind of tilted her head and looked at me knowingly. "It gets easier," she offered. I'm not sure anymore. In some ways it has gotten easier but in other ways, it's harder than ever. It's like Michelle is going through the terrible twos and she's only 18 months. Though I guess mentally she is more like a 2 or 3 year old. She wants her way NOW! And if she doesn't get it, there is Hell to pay.

At 18 months there is apparently a checklist of milestones that need to be met (even according to the government.) The doctor went through the list with me and Michelle breezed right through all of them. She was far beyond where she needs to be developmentally. For example --
"Can she say at least 5 words?" the doctor asked.
I chuckled. "She can speak in 5 word sentences. Her vocabulary is over 1000 words now."
"Wow." She might have thought I was exaggerating until she saw Michelle walking around her office, pointing to things and naming them, asking to draw with the doctor's pen.
The problem, I told the doctor, is that Michelle is demanding and difficult. I can't get her to sleep. Can't get her to do anything really if she doesn't want to. The doctor explained (as I had already surmised) that it's just the trade-off of having a gifted child. Exceptionally bright and highly sensitive but overwhelming. Their minds are so active, they need constant stimulation, they're easily frustrated. The more clever, the more complicated they are. "Would you rather have had a simple child?" my Mom asked. "No," I said, "I guess not." Though admittedly sometimes I do glance with envy at the children who don't say much, who sit there still as dolls, good as gold. It would be easier. Of course with parents like she had (yes her father was clever, complicated, moody and demanding too. And I'm no picnic either.) I guess Michelle was destined to be trouble. When she's not being a monster she is a joy to be around though. She certainly is unpredictable. After screaming all the way to her appointment I was expecting some real shrieking once she got her immunization. Shockingly she didn't shed a tear. Luckily the doctor was kind enough to give Michelle her pen and some paper to draw with so she was so distracted she barely noticed the needle. What a relief!

Life has been so hectic I realized mid-January that I hadn't taken any photos in a while. I decided to set up a little "photo shoot" with Michelle. So I dressed her up in some pretty frilly clothes and snapped away. It didn't last long (she bolted after a while and would barely stay still so most of the pictures were a blur) but I did manage to get a couple of keepers.









I even got a couple of videos of Michelle at 17 months singing some of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" (she sings all of it but not on camera apparently) and naming members of the family (again, she can name all of us, even all of her uncles and cousins but she would only say a few of us on video).

Here are the videos from Youtube:

 

 

My mother was concerned that Michelle still only had four teeth. "Ask the doctor if something's wrong. Why isn't she getting more teeth?!" I was pretty sure it was fine. Some babies get teeth at 7 months (Ouch! The very thought gives me shivers. Breastfeeding was tough enough as it was!) and others don't get them until they're 18 months. Sure enough the doctor said it's perfectly normal. "Besides," the doctor added after a brief glance in Michelle's mouth, "it looks like more will be coming in soon." When I looked back at home I realized there are little white buds in the gums about to break through. Great. She'll be even moodier.

Michelle still doesn't have a lot of hair. During her "photo shoot" I made my first attempt to put her tiny bit of hair into pigtails. I loved it. Michelle wasn't impressed though. She was taking the barrettes out within seconds.


The last few months have been a challenge to say the least. I've never been a fan of Winter but this one has been particularly brutal, weather-wise. Ice storms. Heavy snow. Bitter cold. I've always hated shoveling the snow but I never had this many snow days before and it's even worse with Michelle because I can't leave her alone while I do it. I have to wait until she's asleep before I can head out. Sometimes that's not until midnight or 1 a.m. So there I am at 2 in the morning shoveling the bloody driveway. To add insult to injury I will have shoveled the whole thing only to have the snowplow go by and leave a massive iceberg at the foot of the driveway (even though I went to the trouble to even shovel THE ROAD in front of my house precisely so that I wouldn't have a big pile pushed in front of my driveway). Then I have to leave Michelle in the car with it running while I scramble to chisel the iceberg so that I can back out and begin my 15 hour work day (with the commute to my Mom's first). Some days I'm so spent I just cry out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. Sometimes I take it personally. Of course it's not just me. Everyone has had a rough go this winter. Some people were without power during the ice storm. And they've been getting snow around the world, even places that NEVER have snow and are not prepared at all for it. This is Canada after all so I guess I need to suck it up (or move to Hawaii, once I win the lottery!)

Finally I decided to surrender to Winter. If you can't beat it, join it. I thought Michelle should be able to get out and play in the snow at least once. She kept asking to go play in the backyard("Backyard ball?" she would ask and I explained that she can't play with the ball until the Spring comes and there is grass to run around on. She saw a beach on TV and asked to go to the beach. "Not until the Summer. It's cold out now. See the snow on the ground?") I thought I should take her out to experience the Winter a little but there were so many sub-zero days where you can get frostbite in seconds. I waited for a day that wasn't too harsh and that was nice and sunny at least and ventured out with Michelle bundled in a hand-me-down snowsuit. The snow was mixed with ice so it was hard to walk in. I had to clear a path so Michelle could even move. In the snowsuit her mobility wasn't good anyway. She got frustrated a couple of times when she fell over. I couldn't help but laugh. She made a snow angel. I had wanted to make a snowman but it wasn't packing snow, it just fell apart in your hands so instead I just chipped off a hard circle and made a tiny snowman. It wasn't long before Michelle was asking to go inside. At least now she understood why we don't go out in the winter. The one time I tried to take her for a walk in the stroller was a nightmare too. I had thought the sidewalks were clear but we kept coming across snowy patches and the stroller would get stuck and it was sheer hell. "We'll go out and play in the Spring" I told her. I'm counting the days to Spring myself.

Michelle has always loved books and loved having me read to her. Lately she's been trying to read herself. She loves the book and the movie "Cinderella." I watched her sit with her book, going page by page, babbling away and interspersing her made-up language with words that she knows: "Blah blah blah glass slipper" "blah blah dance with Prince." One day though, she absolutely astounded me by saying the beginning of the story almost entirely: "Once upon a time in a faraway land lived a rich gentleman and his beautiful daughter Cinderella." My jaw dropped open. Did that just happen?! I guess she'd seen the movie enough and heard me read it enough that she had almost memorized it. I managed to get her on video saying it. Here's the video on Youtube:


She picks up everything now, like a sponge. I have to be REALLY careful what I say. Some of Michelle's new expressions are "What the heck?" (I guess it's better than What the hell?) "Stupid Grandma!" (I don't know where she could have picked that up...Ok it may have slipped out sometime when I was frustrated in the store looking for my Mom and wanting to leave because Michelle was screaming.) I told her that's not nice and it's better to say "Silly Grandma!" She says "Oh God" sometimes. She tells me to "Calm down" and "Don't worry." She yells "Hurry up, Mama!" when I take too long. She can say all the colours. Even turquoise. She even corrected my Mom one day when Mom pointed to a colour and called it blue. Michelle said "No. Turquoise." She knows the days of the week (though she often skips ahead to Friday.) All her shapes. She even calls herself "Clever girl!" because she's so used to hearing me say it. One day she said "Good morning Princess!" to me and I realized it was because of Donkey saying it on Shrek. (Incidentally Shrek is her favourite movie. Even more than Cinderella. I don't know why she loves it so much. Maybe because her father was a monster and subconsciously she's drawn to that. I'm sort of kidding.) I even wound up getting Shrek 2 to break the monotony and thankfully she likes that one too. So now it's "Mama, watch Shrek?" or "Watch New Shrek." Some people say that kids shouldn't watch TV but to me it's educational. She's learned a lot from Sesame Street, Bubble Guppies, Dora and the Wiggles. I'm happy now that she likes actual movies so I can enjoy them too. A lot of the animated movies I had before I even knew I'd ever have children. I always loved them myself.

My Mom says Michelle is a mini-me, albeit a much smarter version of me because the things I was doing at 2 years old, Michelle already does. She loves drawing. I got her her own desk so she could draw, colour and read. Of course at this point her work is abstract but I swear it's as though she has a sense of composition and colour already. It doesn't seem like just random scribbles. She asks for particular colours and uses them in a certain way. Sometimes with very precise and small lines and other times with broad, sweeping strokes. It's like watching a real artist at work. Watch out Kandinsky and Pollock! Sometimes while she's working she'll be talking about the colours and describing things -- "Bird flying." I'm tempted to give her a canvas and paints and let her loose but I'm afraid it might be a disaster. At this point she's happy with washable markers. Here are a few of her masterpieces:

Yes I'm probably a little biased (and crazy!) but as an artist myself I can tell you Michelle does abstracts better than I do. Abstraction is actually more difficult than it looks. Some people might look at a Kandinsky or a Pollock and say "Well, that's just scribbling, anyone can do that." But it isn't so easy. Someone who tries to imitate it may wind up with something that seems forced and unpleasing. Abstract art is an expression of emotion, of life, colour and form. It is liberating because it is not representational -- it is not limited to just being a picture of this or that. It taps into the formless in the universe, the region of dreams and imagination. When I try to do abstract I'm usually over-thinking it so that it's somewhat contrived. Children are so free that they are able to express themselves without overanalyzing. To just let the picture flow through them. The result is something beautiful and organic. (OK I'm probably romanticizing it but I don't care. I'm a proud Mama! Besides, she certainly has the temperament of an artist so she might as well be one!)

So, that's what we've been up to for the past couple of months. I know that I said I probably wouldn't continue this "baby blog" since by definition she's a toddler now and not a baby but I think I do want to continue it at least until she's 2 or 3 years old. I like keeping track of what she's up to. I write new words and phrases she says and new things she does in a journal as well but I find this blog is a nice way to record her story, in words, pictures and videos. Speaking of not being a baby anymore, Michelle is now without her soother. I never thought the day would come but it did, somewhat accidentally. She kept misplacing her soothers (there were 8 of them) until I couldn't find a single one other than the brand new 18-36 month ones I managed to find. She tried the new one and hated it. "Don't like it" she said. The rubber part was larger than her old 6-18 month ones. I guess they are designed to not interfere with the child's teeth (it says orthodontist approved or something on the package.) I expected a big fight over it but when I explained to her that all the soothers were lost (her own fault) except the new one she didn't like, she accepted it. She always used to sleep with the soother and had it quite often through the day. I'm kind of relieved to be done with it. It's strange though. Just like giving up the bottle and moving to the cup, it's a reminder that she's growing up. It's happening so fast.

One day while I was in line in Walmart a friendly elderly couple asked "What aisle do you get those in?" (referring to Michelle.) "Oh she's one of a kind," I said and then joked, "Do you want her? She's a lot of work!" They told me that as difficult as she may be I will look back at this time and think how wonderful it was. I will miss her being a toddler. I know they're right. Already I get teary when I see a newborn and think, my God I miss her being that small (even though at the time it was sheer hell to live through.) "I know," I told them, "I wouldn't trade her for the world. Not even on her worst day."

It's not easy. Some days it's so hard I don't know how I'll make it. I've learned to tune out well-meaning "backseat parents" who try to tell me what I SHOULD be doing. The truth is no one can judge. Even anyone that has had a child before, they didn't have THIS child. Michelle is like no one else. What may have worked for their child may not for mine. I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect. I'm human. I make mistakes. I don't always go "by the book." Michelle and I are still co-sleeping which means I don't get a lot of sleep. I don't care. I have to do what I feel is right for her. No one has the right to judge or tell me what I'm doing wrong. Considering I have a child that is gifted, I must be doing something right at least.


And at the end of the day, I love who she is. Yeah, she can be a challenge but she is also the sweetest little girl I've ever met. She's loving and affectionate. She says "Kiss me" now and "I love you" (just in time for Valentine's Day!) When she smiles she makes my heart melt. When she laughs it is the most beautiful sound on Earth. She is my princess. Imaginative, bright, artistic, funny. She is my miracle. And every day she astounds me with something new. Yes there are days I'm tearing my hair out because she's driving me crazy and I never get a break. (People at work were talking about their vacations -- tropical destinations, cruises -- and I said coming to work is the closest I get to a vacation! That's the only time I'm away from Michelle.) But most days she is so amazing she makes me incredibly proud and happy. I couldn't be more grateful to have this little girl in my life.