Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Grampa Day!

I'm actually not even sure if it's supposed to be spelled "Grampa" or "Grandpa" -- to be honest neither really looks right to me. I've decided that Grampa is closer to how it sounds (though in the English language you can't always go by that. I mean look at the word laugh!) Anyway I suppose it's informal either way and doesn't matter. When I was in school if you spelled a word wrong you had to write it out 30 times until it was tattooed on your brain. Now the internet generation has "creative spelling" and "phonetic spelling," abbreviations (what a long word that is, ironically!) and slang no one seems to care about spelling anymore. I always prided myself on spelling but Grampa isn't a word I ever really needed to write until recently. My grandparents all passed away when I was younger and I didn't have children (or expect to!) until Michelle. Anyway, enough about that! I'm going with Grampa!

We had a nice Father's Day celebration with my Dad at Auntie May's. My Mom at one point had called it "Grampa Day" when she was talking to Michelle. I suppose in the future I will have to call it Grampa Day for her sake since she doesn't have a father. I wondered fleetingly if he (Mike, Michelle's deadbeat dad who skipped out when I was 4 months prego) thought of us at all. He may not have even realized it was Father's Day or paid any attention. Since he never knew his own father it probably wasn't a day he ever celebrated. (He did have adoptive parents eventually but apparently didn't bond with them. He only referred to them as "the adoptive parents" when he spoke of them and didn't even call them to wish them Merry Christmas.) I don't think of him often anymore but once in a while he does cross my mind and I wonder how he lives with himself knowing he left us without a word, explanation, apology or anything even to this day. It's unfathomable to me. I guess I'll never understand and never know the truth.

Michelle had a great time walking around at May's house. She circled around and around the hallway, living room and kitchen. My sister put a gate up to block the stairs. That's one thing I don't have to worry about at my place. I can just shut the basement door and she can roam around the hallway, family room and kitchen. I got a little bit of video of her in the hall just before we had dinner. Here it is on Youtube:

My Mom said that seeing Michelle walking around was like having her little Ann Marie back again. I definitely do see the resemblance when I look at old baby photos of me. The same hair (or lack thereof!), same eyes, same smile. Same feistiness too according to Mom. Michelle has been impossible lately. Moody, cranky, refusing to nap. At least she wore herself out at my sister's place running around all day. By the end of the day she was so exhausted she could barely move. She still insisted on trying to walk and was staggering more than usual, would fall, cry and then drag herself back up again. I picked her up and told her she didn't have to keep moving. The second we loaded her carseat into the car, she was out like a light. She slept most of the way home then woke up screaming. I sang a little to settle her down. When we got home I nursed her and she wound up sleeping through the night until 5 in the morning! She had never slept that long without getting up. She must have really been exhausted.

My dad is a little hurt when Michelle won't go to him but she's making strange with just about everyone now. She even screamed when my Mom tried to take her. It seems like now that she's walking even though she's becoming more independent and can move around on her own, she's become more dependent on me. She panics if I'm not there even for a second to go to the bathroom. I don't know how on Earth we're going to get through my return to work. My sister said Shannon was the same way. She would scream whenever my sister left. Even at two years old. It got to the point where she had to just sneak out so there wouldn't be a big scene. I try to sneak away when Michelle is playing but the second she turns around and doesn't see me, she screams. If she decides to walk away on her own that's fine. As long as I stay put she knows she can come back to me as she pleases. But if I try to walk away, she's not having it. It seemed like she was warming up to Uncle Chris when he talked to her and tickled her but when I asked if she'd go to him and he held out his arms she turned away from him and nuzzled in to me as if to say "Hell, no!"

I understand why she is so dependent on Mama. I have been her whole world pretty much for the past 10 months. Though she is eager to explore the world and is starting to get into everything now that she's walking around, she likes to know that Mama is right there. I am her safe place. Though she does see Gramma (that looks even more weird than Grampa but Grandma doesn't seem right either...) quite often she doesn't see anyone 24-7 the way she does me. It is going to be heartbreaking to leave her when I return to work. I just hope we (Michelle, my Mom and me) survive it.

She does enjoy seeing family and will smile and laugh at them provided I'm right there but as soon as I try to leave the room she goes ballistic.

I remember when I was younger and had an idea of what true love would be. I imagined that some day I would be completely loved and needed by someone. At the time I expected it to be a man, of course as my sister always told me no love compares to that of a child. None of the men I loved ever quite lived up to my vision of love. Now Michelle is my world and I am hers. It is rewarding but exhausting too. I wished for a powerful, all-consuming love and I sure got it. Careful what you wish for!

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