Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Another year older...

It was my first birthday as a Mom. We celebrated with the family on the weekend at my Mom's house. They spoiled me. My sister got me a new Nikon camera (I still can't believe she did that!) since my old one has had no flash for a long while now. It's something I couldn't have gotten for myself especially right now when money is so tight. May knows how important photos are to me. The birthday pictures taken inside with my old camera were all a blur (I was able to manage at my sister's place which is always flooded with light but it's too dark at my Mom's place to get by without a flash.) My Mom got me a really big fan (I don't have A/C so I can always use one of those), a dress and a jacket. My brother gave me what I need most these days (CASH!)

Of course my greatest gift is Michelle. She says "Mama" all the time now, hugs and kisses me. It makes up for the times she is cranky and impossible and puts me through sheer hell. She's very close to walking now. While I was in the washroom and my Mom was watching Michelle she counted the seconds while Michelle stood on her own not holding anything. "35 seconds!" my Mom exclaimed. She seems to stand a lot better than she walks. She tends to lean forward when she walks so if you weren't there to catch her she'd land flat on her face. I guess she'll get better the more she practices. I think she'll be a pro at 10 months.

It was a beautiful day out so we went out to the yard. I love when the flowers are in bloom. Michelle and I were both wearing white dresses so the white flowers in the background were perfect. My sister snapped a few pictures and even managed to get some of Michelle smiling. I love putting dresses on Michelle. I can't wait until she has a little more hair so I can put her hair in pigtails with little bows. I tried putting a flower in her hair but she wasn't having it. I remember when I was pregnant and didn't know whether the baby would be a boy or a girl. I wanted a girl so badly. I'm so grateful to have my little girl. I can't imagine life without her now. I hope she's going to be a girlie girl and like dresses and dolls. She is really starting to like stuffed animals. She is so affectionate with them. She hugs them and snuggles them against her and says "Aww."

My brother Chris meanwhile was having some male bonding time with my nephew Reggie. Lifting him into the air and hanging him upside down. I'm not sure I want him to do that with Michelle when she's older! Michelle was a little nervous of Chris. She has been making strange lately with my Dad too. She did warm up to Chris though after a while. When he was leaving she waved to him and leaned forward to watch where he was going.

Michelle had been a little fussy when we started the drive back home so I sang her to sleep. I found myself moving from lullabies to old songs from the 50s, songs from the 70s, 80s. I was singing songs from my childhood. Anything that popped into my head. I was feeling nostalgic. Then I started thinking about my birthdays the past couple of years. Last year I was pregnant and we celebrated at my sister's place. The year before that I was heading to Florida with my boyfriend at the time (another Scorpion. A blond Hungarian. He was my Summer Scorpio. Little did I know after our romance fell apart that I'd fall for another Scorpio in the Fall and that he would change my life forever -- give me the greatest heartbreak and the greatest gift of my life.) I'd always wanted to take a long road trip in a convertible. Getting to live out that dream (with who I thought was the man of my dreams at the time) was even better than I'd imagined. Scenes from my life started to play out like a movie. I started to tear up. I was grateful for all of it. Even the painful moments. They were all part of my life story and I wouldn't change a thing. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Michelle sleeping like a little angel. The sun was setting and the sky was pink. As stressed out as I get sometimes with all that's going on, I am grateful. It is a beautiful world. It is a beautiful life. Even when it's tough.

It was Victoria Day weekend. My Mom always used to say I was a little firecracker born on Firecracker Day. When Michelle and I got back home from my Mom's place, Michelle woke up and wouldn't settle back down for a while. I decided we might as well watch the fireworks together. I've always loved fireworks. I explained to Michelle that they were exploding lights in the sky. Some of them popped, some banged, some screamed, sparkled and fizzled. There were red and green and gold and white ones. Michelle seemed pretty blase about it. She was tired and fell asleep in my arms. The house was a bit warm so I kept the windows open to let the fresh air in. People were still lighting fireworks but Michelle was able to sleep through it all. Next thing I knew a strong wind was blowing and all of a sudden there was a thunderstorm. I guess Mother Nature wanted to show off her own fireworks.

When I went to bed I began to see scenes from my life again -- relationships, trips, experiences that seemed random and yet in a way were all connected because they all led me here. Everything that happened in my past had to happen to lead me to where I am right here, right now: Mom to the sweetest little girl in the world (except when she's a little monster but I still love her even then!)


  1. Last paragraph, so so true. I really relate. Before Elena, I would often lament my past & think, "if only I'd done this differently or made a different choice here or there, my life would be better now" I just can't do that since if I changed anything I wouldn't be here, the happiest I could've ever dreamed being.

    Michelle is so lucky to have you sing to her, you have such a beautiful voice. I sing to Elena all the time, unfortunately, I'm tone deaf & sound ridiculous...but at least it amuses her, lol!

    Happy Belated Birthday!!

    1. Thank you!

      Yes our history is woven like a tapestry and to unravel even the smallest bit of it would undo the whole. I know that this was meant to be so I am grateful even for the heartbreaks that led me here.