Just Say No

When I was growing up, it seemed like my Mom never said yes. Everything you'd ask her to buy or ask if you could do, the answer was "No." She told me that my first word was "No" and I figured it was from hearing her say it so much. I always thought of my Mom as very negative. I wanted to be a positive Mom, to come from a place of "Yes." These days, as the Mom of a curious, wobbling, grabbing 8 month old baby, however I'm realizing that sometimes you have to just say "No." Several hundred times a day! Michelle is CONSTANTLY grabbing everything in sight. My glasses (which she's broken so I'm going to try switching back to contacts), my hair, my face, my clothes, the phone, remote controls, nightlights, books, the mail. Anything in her path. I try to keep dangerous things out of her path. Some things I let her away with. "Oh look she's chewing on a DVD. Oh well." If it isn't going to hurt her or break anything, I figure there's no harm in letting her explore. She wanted to help me sort my mail. I let her crumple and tear up junk mail but I drew the line at ripping my insurance papers. I've put outlet covers on all the plugs which is good because she is fascinated by everything on the wall. Even the switch plate where a central vac would go. I don't know why she reaches for it. It isn't even remotely interesting. It's just a plain white rectangular plate with nothing on it. But it's at her eye level and she stops at it every time we take our walk (with me helping her) down the hallway.

It's a good thing I didn't cut all the tags off of her toys because 9 times out of 10, the tag is her favourite part. It can be a stuffed toy with multiple colours and items on it to play with -- rings and beads and bells and whistles -- but she'll turn it over and play with the plain white tag. She has a little baby laptop computer with all sorts of buttons that make different sounds and lights. Her favourite thing to do is to turn it over and look at the bottom, which is plain and has nothing on it aside from the battery compartment which (thankfully) is screwed shut. I try not to argue with her or discourage her when she's not playing with a toy "properly." I figure whatever makes her happy. I do try to show her though what other things it can do when you don't have it upside down.

There was a small window of time between when she was a newborn and now that it was a little easier. When Michelle could sit up on her own but not yet stand or crawl, I could sit her on the blanket with her toys and she would entertain herself for a few minutes while I did the dishes etc. It was a godsend. Those days are gone now. I can't leave her for an instant because now she's pulling up and she could fall. So I have to be there every second. I try to have pillows around but I still can't possibly cover everything so I have to be there. The crawling was bad enough, at least she couldn't get hurt. I've been good about keeping the basement door closed. The difficult part is remembering to open it again to let the cat up and down when she needs to use the litterbox. The pulling up is scary because she can stand for a bit but then suddenly just falls over and if I'm not there to catch her fall she could bang her head. I tried training her to fall on her butt. "Fall on your bum and you don't get hurt!" I sang to her. I figured if I make a song of it the message might stick. It made her laugh but I don't know if she was really getting the concept. She did go from standing back to sitting several times but then I was there to guide her.

One day I had my Mom watch her while I went to an appointment. I figured I am going to have to leave her eventually so I better get used to it in small doses at least. It's also helpful to me to be able to get things done once in a blue moon without carting her around. I was nervous about it. Even though my Mom has raised 4 kids I still worry. When I got home I kissed and kissed Michelle as though we'd been apart for a year. Meanwhile, Michelle had been having a lovely time with Grandma and Grandpa. My Mom said that Michelle even stood ON HER OWN! Not even holding onto anything. Great. So I'm there 24-7 and I leave for an hour and Michelle has a milestone with Grandma?! That's not fair! I don't want to miss anything. Also upsetting was the fact that Michelle kissed Grandma several times (she doesn't really get the puckering action but she leans in and puts her mouth on my Mom's cheek which is very cute but made me jealous.) I'm her Mom. I do everything for her, devote my life to her 100%. Where's MY kiss? She did end up giving me a kiss too but I was still hurt that she made such a fuss of my Mom. She also didn't dig her nails into my Mom, or pull off her glasses, or give her a hard time while she was being changed. "She was good as gold," my Mom bragged, "a little angel." Now of course logically I understand. Michelle doesn't see my Mom as often so she would make more of a fuss of her. She takes me for granted because I'm always there. As far as acting up is concerned, my Mom said it's common for kids to give their parents the most grief and to behave better for others because they know they can get away with things with Mom but they're not so sure with someone else. Well it doesn't seem fair to me. Part of it is also the time of day. Michelle can be an angel for me too in the early afternoon but then during her cranky time (usually early evening) it's another story. If my Mom was looking after her all day I'm sure she'd see a wide range of behaviour, from Jekyll to Hyde, as I see on a daily basis.

For a while there Michelle was sleeping really well -- going to bed at a decent hour and staying asleep except to nurse and then going right back to sleep. Then all of a sudden, she was back to her old tricks -- either staying up late or falling asleep early but then waking up in the middle of the night and not settling down. One night she was asleep by 8 PM and I thought, "This is great!" I got the dishes and laundry done, had a shower, checked my emails etc. When I went to bed at 11 PM however, she woke up 5 minutes later and wouldn't go back to sleep. She sat up as though it was morning and the day was starting. I tried explaining to her that it wasn't morning, that it was night and that Mama was exhausted and was just about to go to sleep. She wasn't getting it.

Sleep deprivation, someone once told me, has been used as an instrument of torture. Sometimes it does feel like Michelle is deliberately trying to torture me. Of course I know that she's a baby and she doesn't know any better. She can't help it if she wakes up, right? But there are times that I know she's tired -- she's rubbing her eyes and everything -- and she still doesn't sleep. Then other days you get lucky and she sleeps like an angel. It's inexplicable. You just never know how it might go. You hope for the best. I usually nap with her when she has her morning nap but when I have to go somewhere or do something I don't always get to do that. On no sleep, I find that I am much more stressed, much more fragile. I could cry at the drop of a hat and everything just seems worse.

My Mom always said that once a baby starts solid food, they sleep better through the night. It was true overall, at least for a while. I think now that Michelle is learning to stand and wanting to explore so much that her mind is more active so maybe it's harder to settle down and to stay asleep. I am grateful for the nights that she sleeps well so that I'm able to get things done and catch some sleep myself. I just have to muddle through the nights where she doesn't sleep and try not to let it get to me. Some days when I find myself feeling really down or anxious I remind myself how exhaustion can affect me. I just don't function as well on no sleep.

I have to realize that Michelle is going through a lot --learning so much in so short a time. A few months ago she learned to sit on her own and now it's like she's been doing it forever. Standing and walking will become second nature too but while she's still learning and wobbly and falling, it's a tough process for her to go through and takes a lot of her physical and mental energy. Each day now it seems she figures something else out. Before she used to just knock the stacking rings over and chew on them. Now she actually tries (and sometimes succeeds though it may just be a fluke) to put them back on. She used to just look at the pictures when I read to her but now she seems to look curiously at the words so I started pointing to each word as I read it and she seemed fascinated. She's learning to stand, wanting to walk, trying to communicate. She's on the verge of so many things. I know myself that when there's a lot on my mind I have a hard time sleeping, so why should she be different?

There was a moment where Michelle pulled herself up on the ottoman and then let go for a moment and stood. I was sitting right there, ready to grab her if she started to wobble but I let her be. She waved her hands in excitement, realizing that she was standing on her own, not holding anything. My heart was in my throat. "Yes!" I said encouragingly, "Clever girl! You're standing!" She looked quite proud of herself. I know that my heart will be in my throat for months. Afraid she's going to fall, ready to catch her. I suppose in a way, that feeling will remain for the rest of her life. My Mom says she still worries about me -- in my 40s but still her little girl and now with a little girl of my own. As we go through life there are many moments when we are uncertain, venturing into the unknown, moments where we may fall and get hurt. We can't let that stop us. We have to say "Yes" to life, even when it's scary. I don't want Michelle to ever get hurt but at the same time I have to make sure I'm not too overprotective. I have to give her room to grow and explore. I have to encourage her, to let go a little and let her take those wobbly steps on her own, even if she falls.

Baby steps

There's a saying "You have to learn to walk before you can run" but Michelle doesn't care about that. She takes off like a shot out of a gun. Yes she's walking -- make that RUNNING -- with help. A lot of help. I basically have to bend over and hold her chest while she takes off dragging me along. It's murder on my back but she loves it and squeals in delight as she makes it from one end of my house to the other in a couple of seconds. It started with her standing, leaning onto the ottoman. She's gotten really good at that and can stand by herself (leaning on her friend Otto-man) for a few minutes. Of course my hands are ready at her sides to grab her if she teeters. Then it graduated to her taking a few awkward tenuous steps while I held her. At first she looked like John Cleese from the Ministry of Silly Walks. She would take one giant over-exaggerated step with her left leg and then a tiny one with her right. She got a lot of practice walking at my sister's place which has a lot more room to move. She sure has the hang of it now. One foot in front of the other at lightning speed. I can barely keep up and I may have to seek out a chiropractor. If she had a walker she'd be running around in it. Of course they've been banned for years. I fell down the basement stairs in one as a baby (my sister left the door open and down I went) and still have a scar on my chin. They didn't worry about safety back in those days. You didn't even need a child safety seat, you could carry your baby loose on your lap in the car. You could smoke in front of them too. So when my Mom says things like "In MY day you only fed your baby every 4 hours. In MY day you left your baby to cry." I retort that they didn't know any better back in her day and it's a miracle any of us survived. These days they're so careful. I heard you can even get jail time if you try to sell or order a walker on the black market. It's a shame actually because as long as you're responsible and careful to keep doors closed, babies would have a lot of fun in it. And it would save my aching back!

Sometimes I worry if I'll be able to keep up with her. I hate when my Mom brings up my age as though that's why I have so little energy. The truth is I'm stronger and have more energy now than I did in my 20s but it's still difficult. There is still so much to change around the house, to childproof it -- install baby gates, move breakables, move toxic chemicals (cleaning supplies etc) from the bottom cupboard in the kitchen to the top cupboard above the stove -- before she can walk on her own. Once she's fully mobile, all bets are off. She's a ball of energy and there's no stopping her. Sometimes, particularly when I haven't had enough sleep (which is often!) I feel so weak and sore. I wonder how on Earth I'm going to manage. She's so fast and so strong already. It's harder to carry her because she twists around and kicks her legs in excitement and of course she's getting heavier all the time. My left wrist aches so bad sometimes it feels like it's going to break (I had carpal tunnel while I was pregnant. Carrying a heavy and constantly squirming baby doesn't help.) She won't keep still. On the change table she keeps trying to twist and turn over. I'm afraid she'll roll off. I have to hold her down with one hand the whole time. There's a strap on the table as well but she hates it. She always hated to be restrained. Some babies liked being swaddled when they're newborn. Not her. She probably thought it was a straightjacket. She can't stand being buckled into her carseat. She wants to be wild and free, arms flailing, legs kicking, running amok.

She doesn't quite crawl but she squirms along the floor like a caterpillar. I put her on the blanket with her toys and in less than a second she's off the blanket, on the carpet. No matter how big a blanket I put down, she moves to the edge. She loved running around my sister's place (May's house is twice the size of mine.) I can imagine her when she's older running along the beach, running through a field, running in the mall. I will have to stay in shape so that I can catch her! I was a fast runner back in the day but I don't have the speed or stamina I used to. I really do have to work out again.

Life with Michelle is always an adventure. Always a surprise. You never know what she'll do next. I was pleased that she was sleeping so much better now that she's on solid foods. She was normally settling down around 9-10 PM and then only waking up to nurse and go back to sleep until 5-6 AM. Awesome! But just when you think you're safe, she's back to her old tricks. Suddenly she fell asleep at 8:30 PM, woke up at 10 PM and was WIDE AWAKE as though it was morning and wouldn't settle down until after 2 AM. So you can never really be sure how it's going to go. You try to use logic to figure her out (OK, well she didn't have a nap at all today so she'll definitely be tired) but she'll just make a fool of you because it's never quite what you expect. All you can do is hope for the best and roll with it.

I have been keeping notes on new things she does month to month. One milestone this month is that she can sit up by herself now from a laying position. She understands so many words too. She knows "pears" now. It's her favourite food and when I say it, her face lights up and she kicks her legs in excitement. She gobbles them up like it was ice cream. (They are good. I always taste the spoon after I dish some out for her.) If you caught my post "Trial and Error" then you know she had a really ugly and horrifying bout of nausea. I was blaming myself for overfeeding her but the truth is I don't think I'll ever know what it was. Other people were suggesting it was food poisoning or a virus. I didn't think a flu would come on that suddenly and end so quickly (after one night) but I've since heard of other people having projectile vomiting for just one night and then it goes away. My Mom said she heard on the news that even the Queen was sick with the flu. So there you go. It must be going around if even the Queen caught it!


She's got her mother's nose. Literally!

If I had to pick one word to describe Michelle at 7 months it would be mischievous or curious. She loves grabbing things, especially my glasses off my face and laughs her head off because she knows she's not supposed to. She loves playing with the nipple shield now and nearly takes my nipple with it when she grabs it off. I'll tell her not to do something and she'll deliberately do it and then smile at me defiantly. The things that she used to be nervous of (like my tropical fish shower curtain and a monkey made out of a coconut from the Dominican Republic) she is now intensely curious about and grabs at. She's becoming fearless.

I keep hoping Michelle will say "Mama" but it hasn't happened yet. I know that she understands "Mama" but she still doesn't say it. Sometimes when she cries it almost sounds like she's saying it but I know that's a fluke because even when she was first born it sounded like she said Mama when she cried (even my Mom heard it.) My sister said that her kids were saying Mama at 7 months. I guess she still has a couple of weeks to go. It's hard not to have expectations. I know that all babies do things at their own pace. She's still saying Dada a lot but I don't take it personally. (To mothers out there who are hurt when their babies say "Dada" before "Mama" this is proof that it doesn't mean anything. Even with no Dada in the picture -- her father has been absent since I was 4 months pregnant -- and never hearing the word, she's saying it all the time.) It doesn't mean anything. It's just a sound. The easiest sound to make unfortunately. Sometimes I let Michelle see videos of other babies on Youtube. She seems to get a kick out of other kids speaking her language. One of the videos that made her smile was the one of the twin boys talking (it's one of those viral videos with millions of hits). They have an entire conversation with inflections and everything saying nothing but "Dada" the entire time. Here's the video if you missed it:

 

I think it's important for her to be exposed to other babies so I took her to the public playtime again, this time on a different day because she's in a different age bracket. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a fiasco. She hadn't had a nap and was cranky. On top of that it was so crowded they had to start turning Moms away because they were at capacity. With an older group of babies (7-12 months) it was a lot rowdier. There were babies crawling and walking all over the place. One 10 month old boy tried to sit on my knee. I didn't even know where his mother was. There were babies everywhere crying, screaming, rolling, wiggling, walking, running, grabbing. It was anarchy. Michelle had been used to a room of relatively docile 6 month old and younger babies sitting quietly and playing at the old playtime. This was too much for her. I felt a bit overwhelmed myself. When a kid suddenly threw up on a xylophone inches from my foot I took the cue and beelined us out of there. Michelle was so exhausted she fell asleep in the car instantly so I took advantage of the rare opportunity and checked out the new Target store that just opened. (The last time I was in a Target was in the U.S. several years and I loved it.) It was nice but shopping just isn't as fun when you don't have money to spend. I got a couple of jars of baby food for 67 cents. (I guess Walmart is competing because they recently lowered their baby food price to 66 cents. Competition is definitely good for the consumer.)

 

Michelle has some new little quirks. She does something that I call "jazz hands" where she waves her hands around a lot. It's not that she's waving "hi" or "bye" it's just a constant gesture. I mimick her and exclaim "Jazz hands!" and she laughs. She sometimes does a new laugh where she snorts and screws up her face. She's also started doing this strange gasping sound for fun. She scares me sometimes because she'll even do it while she's eating and I'm afraid she'll choke. As soon as she discovers something new that she can do -- a new sound she can make or a new gesture, she'll keep doing it until it gets old and then she never does it again. She's started chewing her toes a lot. The timing couldn't be worse since she's now walking around so much. I have to try to keep the floors clean since she's basically putting the floor in her mouth. I used to be such a germophobe but I'm having to let things go somewhat because you just can't possibly sterilize everything on the planet. Besides, exposure to germs helps them to develop immunity. You can't keep your baby in a bubble (as much as you may want to sometimes to protect them!) She likes having "free feet" (it was an expression my sister used and it seems appropriate). She doesn't like socks and tries to pull them off. I guess it's more organic for her and easier to walk with bare feet. I'm usually barefoot myself so I can't blame her.

 

I can't believe we're halfway through March already. Time is flying by. It still blows my mind that one day soon she'll be able to walk (RUN!) on her own, that she'll be able to say Mama and many other things, that she'll be eating regular food. I had myself so stressed out for a while there (if you read my post "A taxing time" you know that money is a huge source of anxiety on top of all the other worries that come with being a new Mom, a single Mom at that) but now I'm trying to take it easier. I was so busy worrying about the future that I couldn't enjoy the present. I have to relax. I know that everything will be OK. I don't always know how but I have faith that things will work out. All I can do is my best, from where I am, with what I have. Like Michelle, I have to learn to just put one foot in front of the other and take things one baby step at a time. The important thing is to cherish these precious days with Michelle because they will go by so fast.