Crib Notes

Michelle slept in her crib! For almost an hour! Hey, it's a start.

While I was pregnant and decorating her nursery I never imagined that Michelle wouldn't actually be sleeping in her crib at all for the first 8 months. She hasn't been in it more than a few minutes here and there since I brought her home from the hospital. Until I actually brought her home I had no idea what it would be like. I had a bassinett in my room next to the bed to have her close to me for the first couple of months and then planned to put her in her crib at 3 months. It didn't quite pan out that way. She hated the bassinett and wouldn't sleep in it at all. I wound up selling it. The crib being that much further away seemed even more impossible.

Lying down was the only breastfeeding position that was comfortable for me and it seemed only natural to have her sleep with me since she was up several times a night to nurse. She would wake up and feed and then we'd both go back to sleep. It was the perfect arrangement. Lifting her up and putting her in the crib after each feeding (risking waking her up and having to sing, rock or otherwise get her back to sleep only to have her wake up in about an hour anyway to nurse again) wouldn't make much sense. It was just far more convenient to have her sleep with me. It was also a bonding experience for both of us. I am 100% an "attachment parent" (I can't relate to the "detachment" or "tough love" parents who would say I should just leave her to cry, should be weaning her etc.) I have to do what feels right for Michelle and me. Attachment and detachment parents will never see eye to eye. Attachment parents put baby first, detachment parents put themselves first and figure baby will just have to conform to their rules. Detachment parents argue that children who are left to cry will become tougher, more independent. Attachment parents would argue that children who feel loved and whose needs are met will be more secure, compassionate, happier and healthier overall (there is some research to back them up as well). Most parents probably try a compromise somewhere in the middle. You may try to cater to baby's every whim but sometimes baby has to conform to your schedule. It is definitely a tricky balance and until you are a parent yourself you really don't know what you'll do. I'm sure it's different when you have more children as well. Since Michelle is an only child she gets all of my love and attention. Someone with several children would probably have to leave them to cry and tough it out on their own a lot because there wouldn't be much time to devote to any one child.

Maybe things would be different if I had a partner who was pressuring me to have Michelle sleep in the crib so we could share a bed together -- I don't think so though. I think even if I had a man in the picture he'd have to fend for himself while Michelle and I shared a bed. (I've heard it isn't safe for a man to sleep in the same bed with a child because men don't have the same maternal instinct and may sleep too soundly and roll over onto the baby.) As it is, I'm all Michelle has and she's all I have. Sharing a bed makes sense for us, other than the safety issue now that she's so rambunctious. I will always do what I feel is best for Michelle, always put her first, no matter what the sacrifice. I believe that love is the greatest gift I can give her. If she feels loved and her needs are met then I believe that gives her a solid foundation for the rest of her life. Obviously not everyone agrees. I don't pretend to be an expert. I'm a first (and only!) time Mom and learning as I go. When it comes to nutrition etc, I try to do the right things according to the experts and the latest research. The doctors all agree that breastfeeding is one of the best things you can do for your baby and the longer you can nurse them, the better. There are health benefits, physically (it boosts their immunity) and mentally (studies have shown that breastfed babies are more intelligent) as well as emotional benefits and bonding. When I have questions or problems I'm grateful to have a support network (namely my Mom and sister!) to turn to for advice, support, encouragement. They have been a lifeline for me. Though I don't always agree with my Mom (her generation did many things VERY differently) I still depend on her expertise as a Mom of four. Sometimes there are so many conflicting answers and no clear solutions and I just have to rely on my own instincts, what I feel in my gut to be right.

To me, it doesn't feel right to let Michelle cry. Since she can't talk, it's her only way of communicating. It wouldn't feel right to ignore her if she needs something. Even if I am spoiling her, I can't help it. Someone told me you can't spoil a child with love. The only time Michelle ever cried more than a minute was when it was unavoidable (like when I was driving on the highway.) As a single Mom, it's not an option to leave her. I have to take her with me everywhere. Sometimes I did avoid driving or going out just to avoid upsetting her (as I mentioned I even started ordering my groceries online.) Even while driving I'd try to comfort her by reaching into the backseat to give her her soother etc. Or singing bar after bar of The Wheels on the Bus (because for some reason that one song stopped her from crying) until I ran out of people and things to be found on the bus (it was getting rather ridiculous but if it kept her happy, I'd keep it going. "The cow on the bus goes Moo, Moo, Moo...")

Though I do still plan to co-sleep with Michelle, I have learned (the hard way -- if you read my last post, "Off the rails." She fell out of bed. She may not have been traumatized by it but I was!) that I can't leave her to nap in my bed anymore if I'm not going to be there next to her. She moves too quickly and can crawl over the edge in seconds. So in the early evening and during her afternoon nap, I've been trying to put her in her crib for her own safety. One night I even managed to transfer her from the bed to the crib so I could have a shower and know that she was safe. I still rushed just in case she woke up and got frightened (I always imagine I hear her crying when I'm in the shower so I never really get to enjoy a shower. I used to like long hot showers. Now my showers are about 2 minutes or less.) But at least I knew she couldn't roll out of it. I was relieved to turn off the water and hear silence.

I'm also getting Michelle used to being in the crib by letting her play in it when she's wide awake and in good spirits. I put a couple of her toys in it and played peekaboo with her favourite fish puppet. Since I don't have a playpen, the crib seemed like just about the only safe place to leave her for a moment while I try to put laundry away. I can't turn away for a second now that she's learning to stand because she CONSTANTLY pulls up on everything and I'm afraid of her banging her head. She laughed and seemed happy playing in the crib until I tried to leave the room to put some laundry away. "Mama's right here," I assured her and came back before she could get too upset. She started really having fun with it and pulling herself up on the rails to stand. At least when she fell back on the mattress she couldn't get hurt. I even got some video of her playing in her crib:

Her first hour sleeping in the crib happened during an afternoon nap. She fell asleep in my arms and I thought, this is my chance. I very gently placed her in the crib. I thought that maybe if I left my pajama top next to her it might be comforting to her to have my scent nearby. It seemed to work. She slept for close to an hour. Later that evening I did the same thing and it worked again. When I went to check on her, I found her snuggling my pajamas. I had a flashback of her father. He was so dependent on me, like a big baby himself, even at 32 years old. He never wanted me out of his sight. He sulked when I had to go to work. One morning I came home after nightshift and found him sleeping with his face buried in my pajamas. It was so sweet I took a picture. I teased him about it later. He admitted that it was comforting to him to have my scent there. "Your pjs smell sweet, like you." I will still never understand how he could leave. Whether it was love or even just dependency, it seemed like he couldn't live without me for a second. Then inexplicably he disappears, forever. Maybe he resented being dependent on me. Maybe he realized that once the baby was in the picture she would get all of my attention and he would be pushed aside. Who knows? Seeing Michelle sleeping with my pajamas reminded me of him though. I still can't fathom how he could leave her. I know I wasn't always a picnic to be around (especially while pregnant and hormonal) but how could he leave his own child?

While I was pregnant with Michelle and getting the nursery ready my Mom suggested that I may not even end up using the crib. My sister had been co-sleeping with my nephew so he hadn't really used the crib. "Oh no," I assured her, "the baby will definitely sleep in the crib." I figured I would need my space, my privacy and my sleep. I was also nervous of the idea of sleeping with the baby. I thought I might roll over on her or suffocate her or something. Once I brought her home, all my plans were out the window. I realized that your maternal instincts prevent you from rolling over on your baby. As one nurse told me, it's only in North America that people frown on co-sleeping. In Europe, it's the norm. She said that unless you are obese or use drugs or alcohol, you would always be alert enough to wake up at the baby's slightest movements so there would be no danger of rolling on her. She did add that this doesn't apply to men who don't have the same instinct and can sleep more soundly(probably why when a baby cries in the night it's usually Mom who gets up, though maybe the men are just better at pretending to sleep.) As far as needing my space or privacy, that was out the window too. It's strange because although I never planned to have children, the moment I found out I was pregnant, a feeling of love and protectiveness came over me. A latent maternal instinct, that I never knew I had, rose to the surface. I couldn't imagine me as a Mom. I thought I was too selfish, too independent, too impatient. The thought of the responsibility terrified me. When my doctor asked me once if I thought about having children I told her I was too immature. She said that admitting that was a sign of maturity. She told me that because I realize what a huge responsibility children are,  I would make a good Mom, that some people blunder into it with no thought of how much work a child is. It was a strange feeling being pregnant. Something that I didn't even think I wanted, something that terrified me beyond anything was now the greatest joy of my life. Suddenly this little person who didn't even exist before was the most important person in the world to me. I have sacrificed everything for her -- body, soul, finances, lifestyle. I give her all of my time and energy. Everything is for her now. It's funny because I know women who wanted children so badly but then after having them felt overwhelmed and couldn't wait to get back to work to get a break, after just two months on mat leave. They went stir crazy being home with baby and back to work even though the cost of daycare was as much as they were earning at their jobs and spend only an hour a day with their kids after work, even getting a sitter on the weekends so they can go out. Meanwhile I never planned to have kids at all and now I can't even bear to be away from her for an hour! So the moral of the story is -- you just don't know. You may think you know what you want (or don't want) in life, until life actually happens to you and you find out who you really are. I knew that I wanted love in my life. I thought it was romantic love but it turns out it is the love of a child, which is deeper, more true than anything I've experienced. And it's worth all the sacrifices in the world.

I managed to sneak her into her crib again and she's sleeping as I type this (knock on wood!) My fantasy now is that one day she will actually sleep in her crib for the whole night. Maybe one day. When she's ready. Having my bed to myself again and being able to sprawl out would be a bit of a treat. I have to admit I would miss sleeping next to her though. I know that it will be tough on me (maybe even more so than on her) to give up breastfeeding when I do. I will miss that bond between us. Sometimes I watch her sleeping next to me like a little angel and I feel like the luckiest person in the world. It more than makes up for the times when she keeps me up all night driving me crazy!

Just Say No

When I was growing up, it seemed like my Mom never said yes. Everything you'd ask her to buy or ask if you could do, the answer was "No." She told me that my first word was "No" and I figured it was from hearing her say it so much. I always thought of my Mom as very negative. I wanted to be a positive Mom, to come from a place of "Yes." These days, as the Mom of a curious, wobbling, grabbing 8 month old baby, however I'm realizing that sometimes you have to just say "No." Several hundred times a day! Michelle is CONSTANTLY grabbing everything in sight. My glasses (which she's broken so I'm going to try switching back to contacts), my hair, my face, my clothes, the phone, remote controls, nightlights, books, the mail. Anything in her path. I try to keep dangerous things out of her path. Some things I let her away with. "Oh look she's chewing on a DVD. Oh well." If it isn't going to hurt her or break anything, I figure there's no harm in letting her explore. She wanted to help me sort my mail. I let her crumple and tear up junk mail but I drew the line at ripping my insurance papers. I've put outlet covers on all the plugs which is good because she is fascinated by everything on the wall. Even the switch plate where a central vac would go. I don't know why she reaches for it. It isn't even remotely interesting. It's just a plain white rectangular plate with nothing on it. But it's at her eye level and she stops at it every time we take our walk (with me helping her) down the hallway.

It's a good thing I didn't cut all the tags off of her toys because 9 times out of 10, the tag is her favourite part. It can be a stuffed toy with multiple colours and items on it to play with -- rings and beads and bells and whistles -- but she'll turn it over and play with the plain white tag. She has a little baby laptop computer with all sorts of buttons that make different sounds and lights. Her favourite thing to do is to turn it over and look at the bottom, which is plain and has nothing on it aside from the battery compartment which (thankfully) is screwed shut. I try not to argue with her or discourage her when she's not playing with a toy "properly." I figure whatever makes her happy. I do try to show her though what other things it can do when you don't have it upside down.

There was a small window of time between when she was a newborn and now that it was a little easier. When Michelle could sit up on her own but not yet stand or crawl, I could sit her on the blanket with her toys and she would entertain herself for a few minutes while I did the dishes etc. It was a godsend. Those days are gone now. I can't leave her for an instant because now she's pulling up and she could fall. So I have to be there every second. I try to have pillows around but I still can't possibly cover everything so I have to be there. The crawling was bad enough, at least she couldn't get hurt. I've been good about keeping the basement door closed. The difficult part is remembering to open it again to let the cat up and down when she needs to use the litterbox. The pulling up is scary because she can stand for a bit but then suddenly just falls over and if I'm not there to catch her fall she could bang her head. I tried training her to fall on her butt. "Fall on your bum and you don't get hurt!" I sang to her. I figured if I make a song of it the message might stick. It made her laugh but I don't know if she was really getting the concept. She did go from standing back to sitting several times but then I was there to guide her.

One day I had my Mom watch her while I went to an appointment. I figured I am going to have to leave her eventually so I better get used to it in small doses at least. It's also helpful to me to be able to get things done once in a blue moon without carting her around. I was nervous about it. Even though my Mom has raised 4 kids I still worry. When I got home I kissed and kissed Michelle as though we'd been apart for a year. Meanwhile, Michelle had been having a lovely time with Grandma and Grandpa. My Mom said that Michelle even stood ON HER OWN! Not even holding onto anything. Great. So I'm there 24-7 and I leave for an hour and Michelle has a milestone with Grandma?! That's not fair! I don't want to miss anything. Also upsetting was the fact that Michelle kissed Grandma several times (she doesn't really get the puckering action but she leans in and puts her mouth on my Mom's cheek which is very cute but made me jealous.) I'm her Mom. I do everything for her, devote my life to her 100%. Where's MY kiss? She did end up giving me a kiss too but I was still hurt that she made such a fuss of my Mom. She also didn't dig her nails into my Mom, or pull off her glasses, or give her a hard time while she was being changed. "She was good as gold," my Mom bragged, "a little angel." Now of course logically I understand. Michelle doesn't see my Mom as often so she would make more of a fuss of her. She takes me for granted because I'm always there. As far as acting up is concerned, my Mom said it's common for kids to give their parents the most grief and to behave better for others because they know they can get away with things with Mom but they're not so sure with someone else. Well it doesn't seem fair to me. Part of it is also the time of day. Michelle can be an angel for me too in the early afternoon but then during her cranky time (usually early evening) it's another story. If my Mom was looking after her all day I'm sure she'd see a wide range of behaviour, from Jekyll to Hyde, as I see on a daily basis.

For a while there Michelle was sleeping really well -- going to bed at a decent hour and staying asleep except to nurse and then going right back to sleep. Then all of a sudden, she was back to her old tricks -- either staying up late or falling asleep early but then waking up in the middle of the night and not settling down. One night she was asleep by 8 PM and I thought, "This is great!" I got the dishes and laundry done, had a shower, checked my emails etc. When I went to bed at 11 PM however, she woke up 5 minutes later and wouldn't go back to sleep. She sat up as though it was morning and the day was starting. I tried explaining to her that it wasn't morning, that it was night and that Mama was exhausted and was just about to go to sleep. She wasn't getting it.

Sleep deprivation, someone once told me, has been used as an instrument of torture. Sometimes it does feel like Michelle is deliberately trying to torture me. Of course I know that she's a baby and she doesn't know any better. She can't help it if she wakes up, right? But there are times that I know she's tired -- she's rubbing her eyes and everything -- and she still doesn't sleep. Then other days you get lucky and she sleeps like an angel. It's inexplicable. You just never know how it might go. You hope for the best. I usually nap with her when she has her morning nap but when I have to go somewhere or do something I don't always get to do that. On no sleep, I find that I am much more stressed, much more fragile. I could cry at the drop of a hat and everything just seems worse.

My Mom always said that once a baby starts solid food, they sleep better through the night. It was true overall, at least for a while. I think now that Michelle is learning to stand and wanting to explore so much that her mind is more active so maybe it's harder to settle down and to stay asleep. I am grateful for the nights that she sleeps well so that I'm able to get things done and catch some sleep myself. I just have to muddle through the nights where she doesn't sleep and try not to let it get to me. Some days when I find myself feeling really down or anxious I remind myself how exhaustion can affect me. I just don't function as well on no sleep.

I have to realize that Michelle is going through a lot --learning so much in so short a time. A few months ago she learned to sit on her own and now it's like she's been doing it forever. Standing and walking will become second nature too but while she's still learning and wobbly and falling, it's a tough process for her to go through and takes a lot of her physical and mental energy. Each day now it seems she figures something else out. Before she used to just knock the stacking rings over and chew on them. Now she actually tries (and sometimes succeeds though it may just be a fluke) to put them back on. She used to just look at the pictures when I read to her but now she seems to look curiously at the words so I started pointing to each word as I read it and she seemed fascinated. She's learning to stand, wanting to walk, trying to communicate. She's on the verge of so many things. I know myself that when there's a lot on my mind I have a hard time sleeping, so why should she be different?

There was a moment where Michelle pulled herself up on the ottoman and then let go for a moment and stood. I was sitting right there, ready to grab her if she started to wobble but I let her be. She waved her hands in excitement, realizing that she was standing on her own, not holding anything. My heart was in my throat. "Yes!" I said encouragingly, "Clever girl! You're standing!" She looked quite proud of herself. I know that my heart will be in my throat for months. Afraid she's going to fall, ready to catch her. I suppose in a way, that feeling will remain for the rest of her life. My Mom says she still worries about me -- in my 40s but still her little girl and now with a little girl of my own. As we go through life there are many moments when we are uncertain, venturing into the unknown, moments where we may fall and get hurt. We can't let that stop us. We have to say "Yes" to life, even when it's scary. I don't want Michelle to ever get hurt but at the same time I have to make sure I'm not too overprotective. I have to give her room to grow and explore. I have to encourage her, to let go a little and let her take those wobbly steps on her own, even if she falls.

The whole famdamily!

My whole family got together for a combined Easter and birthday celebration for my brother Chris. It was chaotic, as our family events usually are, but fun. It was a nice day out, though still a little chilly when the sun went behind the clouds. Half the family hung out in the yard for the day. When Mom announced that she had put the turkey in and it would be done in 2 and a half hours I was surprised. "I've never heard of a turkey cooking that quickly!" She had miscalculated. It was more like 4 and a half hours. We wound up having dinner after 7 p.m. Oh well. It was good but I only had a little anyway. My stomach still wasn't great. I'd been violently ill the night before (woke up at 1 a.m. with diarrhea and vomiting simultaneously. Yes it doesn't get much worse. Thank God Michelle slept through it and slept while I had a shower. And Thank God she didn't catch whatever it was. Food poisoning? 24 hour flu? Who knows?)

I called my sister in the morning because I still felt awful and was scared. I knew that my niece had a nasty flu a week or so earlier and wanted to see how long her symptoms lasted. For some reason the throwing up is always in the middle of the night. I didn't throw up again but still didn't feel quite right. I was probably dehydrated. When Michelle and I had our morning nap I felt a million times better. Being on no sleep didn't help. I just took it easy the rest of the day and didn't eat much. Even with the birthday cake (homemade chocolate cake is pretty hard to resist and normally I'd have a huge piece!) I only had half a piece.

I am always grateful to spend time with my family. It's not often that we can all get together as a group. A lot of people I've talked to said they don't even celebrate birthdays with their families. They don't get together for holidays. It seems to be more the exception than the rule to be close to your family. Once kids grow up and have their own families they don't spend a lot of time with their parents anymore. Maybe it's because Mom always insisted on it that we grew up thinking it was just the norm. I don't mind it. I love my family. I'm wishing more and more that I lived closer to them. Of course I'd probably have to win a lottery to afford a house in Oakville and money is tighter than ever.

 



















My Dad is always excited to see his youngest granddaughter and Michelle is happy to see him too. She loves when he lifts her up in the air. My parents feel so blessed to have seven grandchildren. They really thought (as I certainly did!) that Reggie would be the last one since my brother Chris and I were certain we weren't having children and May and Mike weren't planning on any more. Michelle was definitely the biggest and best surprise of my life. It's nice to visit with family and have several extra pairs of arms to hold her. She would reach for my Dad, then my Mom, then back to me. She was enjoying all the attention.

Auntie May, Uncle Chris and Auntie Barb all had turns holding her too. Everyone commented on how good she was. She had been an angel on the drive over too. Some days I really can't complain. Then other days she's a little monster. You just never know how it's going to go. It was a relief to have her go easy on me on a day when I wasn't feeling 100% though. In the morning I felt so rough I almost thought I should just stay home but I didn't want to miss the celebration. My sister suggested I just eat very little. She also reminded me that at least at my Mom's there would be other people to hold Michelle. Trying to carry her when I felt weak and dizzy was the biggest challenge of being ill. Whatever the bug was it seemed to work its way out of my system thankfully. I just hope it wasn't anything anyone else could catch. If we all stayed home when someone was sick we'd probably never see each other though. Dad had a bit of a cough. James had a cold. With a big family chances are someone will have something at any given time.

Michelle is officially 8 months old now. I'm seeing changes already. She's sleeping a little better. She's pooping up a storm so she must be getting enough to eat. She has four meals a day -- cereal for breakfast, meat and veggies or fruit for lunch, meat and fruit for dinner, and oatmeal in the evening. I had heard that you can start babies on finger foods at 8 months so I thought I'd try giving her a couple of Cheerios to see what she would do. It was good practice for her fine motor skills picking up the little Os with her thumb and forefinger but after 15 minutes of playing with the cereal it was clear that they would never make it into her mouth. It's ironic when she puts EVERYTHING in her mouth that she wouldn't put food in. My Mom said that she's not used to having anything that small which is true and I guess it's a blessing if she's cautious about putting small items in her mouth. I finally put one of the Cheerios in her mouth for her. She screwed up her face like "What on Earth is this?" and started to gag. That was enough for me. I'm going to wait until she's 9 months old to try finger foods again. I'm certainly not going to push if she's not ready. She's eating the baby food pretty well (the few things that she likes at least -- cereal, sweet potatoes with turkey and pears being her favourites) and seems healthy. She's nursing every 3 hours through the day now and every 2-3 hours through the night.

They say that "a little knowledge" is dangerous. When it comes to babies, "a little mobility" is even more dangerous. Now that Michelle can move around, it's very scary. She pulls herself along like a caterpillar. I keep the cellar door closed now (it used to be open all the time so the cat could come and go from her litter box. Now she has to cry at the door) just in case because Michelle can move surprisingly fast. Now I even have to worry about her standing and falling when I turn my head for a second. She was playing nicely in the living room on the blanket with her toys, or so I thought. I went into the kitchen for a second and when I looked back, to my shock, MICHELLE WAS STANDING! ON HER OWN! She had pulled herself up for the first time on her own and was standing holding onto the ottoman. I raced over to her but it was too late. Thank God I had pillows propped against the TV stand or she would have whacked her head against the glass doors as she fell. The problem is it would take 100,000 pillows to block every hard surface on the main floor. I told my Mom and she just laughed. "That's why all of my kids had trips to the hospital for stitches. You can't prevent accidents from ever happening." Today she's pulling up on her own, next thing I know she'll be standing alone then taking her first wobbly steps and I'll have my heart in my throat the whole time. I don't want her to get hurt. But I do want her to learn and grow. She has been having fun exploring the living room. She pulled half the DVDs off the bottom shelf. I figured it wasn't doing any harm other than she was chewing on a couple of the boxes. I put the kids movies on the bottom shelf because I thought that would end up happening. At least it entertains her for a bit. I've tried to remove anything that can really hurt her other than of course the hardwood floor itself and the furniture.

Now that I'm a mother myself I appreciate my parents more and feel closer to my family than ever before. Though I'm a single Mom it's nice to know that I'm not alone and that I have their love and support. Time is going by so fast. I can't believe we've already celebrated Michelle's first Christmas and Easter. Her First Birthday will be just around the corner. I can't imagine what she'll be doing by then. Hopefully she doesn't get into too much trouble along the way...