Cruising

Every day is a surprise now. You just never know what she's going to do. All of a sudden, Michelle WALKED! On her own! Mind you, it was only a few steps but obviously she's getting the concept so hopefully (er..I mean frighteningly) it's probably only a matter of time before she can walk alone. On one hand I'm anxious for her to master walking so I don't have to bend over to help her along and don't have to run constantly to catch her from falling. Mind you then I'll have a whole new set of worries. The day she took her first fledgling steps she initially pulled up on the ottoman as usual but then suddenly she let go of it and stood there quite casually playing with a toy. Not holding onto anything. Then, without warning, she took a couple of steps over to the couch. I stared in awe, my hands out to catch her if she stumbled but she made it on her own.

Michelle is cruising. It almost makes me want to set up furniture at her level all over the house to give her a path to move from one piece to the next. I know that this is the first step in her walking on her own. She is still very wobbly and looks like an old man stumbling home from the bar but it's a start! She tends to lean forward a lot so if I wasn't there to grab her she'd fall flat on her face. She seems to like to walk on her tiptoes as well. I tried explaining to her that she'd have better balance on flat feet. Maybe she'll be a little ballerina. My Mom said I loved walking on my toes as a baby. (Incidentally I always wanted to take ballet but Mom said we couldn't afford it. When I was older I learned that it was too late. You pretty much have to start when you're 4 years old to be a dancer for real. If Michelle wants to dance I'll do everything in my power to make it happen.)

  

The first time I heard about "cruising" in the baby sense was months ago when we had gone to the public playtime and a 10 month old boy stumbled onto my lap. "Sorry" his Mom said "he's cruising. Making the rounds." He was making his way around the room moving from one object and person to another. I was just one of the signposts along his wobbly journey. I remember thinking how surreal it was that in a few months Michelle could be walking. I remember before she could sit up and I got so excited when she could finally sit without toppling over. Then in no time it was second nature to her. Babies change so fast at this stage. From one day to the next. So much to learn. So many milestones. They go from being a helpless lump unable to even hold their heads up to being a little individual with a unique personality talking, walking around, playing, laughing. That's why I couldn't miss this. Not for all the money in the world. (Even though financially things have been tight on maternity leave. To make matters worse recently my car failed the emission test and I had to have it repaired. I started to tear up a little when he told me it failed. The guy felt so bad for me he didn't charge me for the re-test where thankfully it passed. When you're trying to budget yourself so that you don't buy anything but necessities like groceries, unexpected expenses are a KILLER!)

Michelle has even started standing up in the middle of the floor sometimes. Pushing herself up without holding on to anything. She gets up on her feet and looks quite proud of herself but then she goes to move and falls forward. I'm always there to catch her. Sometimes she'll take off like she wants to run and I can barely keep up. I've gone from bending over and holding her tummy (which is MURDER on the back!) to having one finger in each of her little hands lightly as she runs along. She seems more confident and more stable all the time but I don't know when she'll actually be able to walk completely on her own. It could be any day now. I read that babies can start walking anywhere from 9 months to 12 months and are usually walking well by 15 months. Some babies are a little sooner and some a little later. Each child is different. In my family we were early but we had walkers back then as training. (And of course they were dangerous. My sister left the basement door open one day and I apparently landed face first at the bottom of the stairs in my walker. I'm not sure when they started banning them. I guess after one too many babies was seriously injured in them.)

Michelle seems to understand more and more all the time. Words, expressions. She mimics gestures. She tries to say more and more. "Mama" is still my favourite word. She even has her own made up language and laughs when I repeat her nonsense words like "fnew" and "etna." She knows how to manipulate Mommy and get what she wants. She knows how to placate Mommy when I'm at the end of my rope. She can make my heart melt. As soon as she knows she's in trouble (hitting or scratching Mama, knocking my glasses off my face etc) she will nuzzle her head into my neck and be my sweet girl. She has even started saying "Awww" because I go "awww" when she does something sweet. She'll even lean her head on her hand or hug her little stuffed monkey and go "Awww." A little actress already! Drama Queen like Mama. Great. I can't even imagine when she's a teenager.

Some days I'm so stressed out with everything going on that I don't know how I'll cope. My sister is always the best person to talk to -- the calm, nurturing, supportive voice of reason when I feel overwhelmed. She should have been a social worker or motivational speaker or something. She always helps me to put things in perspective. She reminds me -- one thing at a time. One day at a time. I'll start worrying about things months from now and that on top of my daily stresses just puts me over the edge.

Lately the weather has been beautiful again so I've been going out to get some fresh air with Michelle. It helps me to breathe and find my Zen again. Often Michelle will fall asleep in the afternoon in her stroller which is a bonus because then I can just bring the carseat in and get some things done while she naps for a while or keep her outside with me while I pull some weeds and do some gardening. She seems to like sleeping out in the fresh air. 

Recently we went for a walk through the park. No matter how hectic life can get, sometimes you really do have to stop and smell the flowers. Michelle wasn't too sure how she felt about the grass. She's not a big fan of sand either. She will get used to it of course the more time we spend outside. I'm hoping to spend a little time at the beach this summer at least. I got her a little pair of water shoes because I figured they'd be soft and pliable enough for her to walk in. At home she's barefoot but I wanted her to have some shoes for when we're outside (not that she can walk on her own yet but I thought she should get a little practice on different surfaces.)

I can't believe we're halfway through May already. I know I must sound like a broken record but time really is going by way too fast. I want to hold on. It's heartbreaking. I've been trying to wean Michelle gradually. I've gone from nursing her every two hours to three and now even increased it to four. I know that I will have to have her almost completely weaned by July when I return to work. I still can't imagine how I'm going to survive it. I don't want her to feel like I'm abandoning her. She's used to having me there 24-7. Soon I'll be gone all day. She's used to nursing all the time. Soon I'll be cutting her down to 1 or 2 feedings a day or none at all (I don't want to cut her off entirely. I know there are so many benefits to breast milk. I may even try to keep pumping milk even after she's completely weaned so she can still get the nutrients.) The doctor said I can start giving her whole milk in July. I may try to introduce cow's milk gradually as my Mom suggested, in cereal etc. I'll have to sleep train her in June so she's ready for when my Mom is watching her on the nights that I won't be there. It's overwhelming. I don't want to leave her. I'm afraid it will be hard on her and on my mother but it may be worst of all on me. As challenging as it is to care for her all the time on my own, I am so attached to her I can't imagine not being with her every second. It's tearing me apart.

I am grateful for the year that I've had with Michelle. It has been a blessing. I will always cherish it as the best, most beautiful (and sometimes most harrowing!) time of my life. I still have another month and a half at home with her. I have to enjoy the present rather than worrying about the future. Each day is a gift and an adventure. I can't wait to see what she does next.

Just Say No

When I was growing up, it seemed like my Mom never said yes. Everything you'd ask her to buy or ask if you could do, the answer was "No." She told me that my first word was "No" and I figured it was from hearing her say it so much. I always thought of my Mom as very negative. I wanted to be a positive Mom, to come from a place of "Yes." These days, as the Mom of a curious, wobbling, grabbing 8 month old baby, however I'm realizing that sometimes you have to just say "No." Several hundred times a day! Michelle is CONSTANTLY grabbing everything in sight. My glasses (which she's broken so I'm going to try switching back to contacts), my hair, my face, my clothes, the phone, remote controls, nightlights, books, the mail. Anything in her path. I try to keep dangerous things out of her path. Some things I let her away with. "Oh look she's chewing on a DVD. Oh well." If it isn't going to hurt her or break anything, I figure there's no harm in letting her explore. She wanted to help me sort my mail. I let her crumple and tear up junk mail but I drew the line at ripping my insurance papers. I've put outlet covers on all the plugs which is good because she is fascinated by everything on the wall. Even the switch plate where a central vac would go. I don't know why she reaches for it. It isn't even remotely interesting. It's just a plain white rectangular plate with nothing on it. But it's at her eye level and she stops at it every time we take our walk (with me helping her) down the hallway.

It's a good thing I didn't cut all the tags off of her toys because 9 times out of 10, the tag is her favourite part. It can be a stuffed toy with multiple colours and items on it to play with -- rings and beads and bells and whistles -- but she'll turn it over and play with the plain white tag. She has a little baby laptop computer with all sorts of buttons that make different sounds and lights. Her favourite thing to do is to turn it over and look at the bottom, which is plain and has nothing on it aside from the battery compartment which (thankfully) is screwed shut. I try not to argue with her or discourage her when she's not playing with a toy "properly." I figure whatever makes her happy. I do try to show her though what other things it can do when you don't have it upside down.

There was a small window of time between when she was a newborn and now that it was a little easier. When Michelle could sit up on her own but not yet stand or crawl, I could sit her on the blanket with her toys and she would entertain herself for a few minutes while I did the dishes etc. It was a godsend. Those days are gone now. I can't leave her for an instant because now she's pulling up and she could fall. So I have to be there every second. I try to have pillows around but I still can't possibly cover everything so I have to be there. The crawling was bad enough, at least she couldn't get hurt. I've been good about keeping the basement door closed. The difficult part is remembering to open it again to let the cat up and down when she needs to use the litterbox. The pulling up is scary because she can stand for a bit but then suddenly just falls over and if I'm not there to catch her fall she could bang her head. I tried training her to fall on her butt. "Fall on your bum and you don't get hurt!" I sang to her. I figured if I make a song of it the message might stick. It made her laugh but I don't know if she was really getting the concept. She did go from standing back to sitting several times but then I was there to guide her.

One day I had my Mom watch her while I went to an appointment. I figured I am going to have to leave her eventually so I better get used to it in small doses at least. It's also helpful to me to be able to get things done once in a blue moon without carting her around. I was nervous about it. Even though my Mom has raised 4 kids I still worry. When I got home I kissed and kissed Michelle as though we'd been apart for a year. Meanwhile, Michelle had been having a lovely time with Grandma and Grandpa. My Mom said that Michelle even stood ON HER OWN! Not even holding onto anything. Great. So I'm there 24-7 and I leave for an hour and Michelle has a milestone with Grandma?! That's not fair! I don't want to miss anything. Also upsetting was the fact that Michelle kissed Grandma several times (she doesn't really get the puckering action but she leans in and puts her mouth on my Mom's cheek which is very cute but made me jealous.) I'm her Mom. I do everything for her, devote my life to her 100%. Where's MY kiss? She did end up giving me a kiss too but I was still hurt that she made such a fuss of my Mom. She also didn't dig her nails into my Mom, or pull off her glasses, or give her a hard time while she was being changed. "She was good as gold," my Mom bragged, "a little angel." Now of course logically I understand. Michelle doesn't see my Mom as often so she would make more of a fuss of her. She takes me for granted because I'm always there. As far as acting up is concerned, my Mom said it's common for kids to give their parents the most grief and to behave better for others because they know they can get away with things with Mom but they're not so sure with someone else. Well it doesn't seem fair to me. Part of it is also the time of day. Michelle can be an angel for me too in the early afternoon but then during her cranky time (usually early evening) it's another story. If my Mom was looking after her all day I'm sure she'd see a wide range of behaviour, from Jekyll to Hyde, as I see on a daily basis.

For a while there Michelle was sleeping really well -- going to bed at a decent hour and staying asleep except to nurse and then going right back to sleep. Then all of a sudden, she was back to her old tricks -- either staying up late or falling asleep early but then waking up in the middle of the night and not settling down. One night she was asleep by 8 PM and I thought, "This is great!" I got the dishes and laundry done, had a shower, checked my emails etc. When I went to bed at 11 PM however, she woke up 5 minutes later and wouldn't go back to sleep. She sat up as though it was morning and the day was starting. I tried explaining to her that it wasn't morning, that it was night and that Mama was exhausted and was just about to go to sleep. She wasn't getting it.

Sleep deprivation, someone once told me, has been used as an instrument of torture. Sometimes it does feel like Michelle is deliberately trying to torture me. Of course I know that she's a baby and she doesn't know any better. She can't help it if she wakes up, right? But there are times that I know she's tired -- she's rubbing her eyes and everything -- and she still doesn't sleep. Then other days you get lucky and she sleeps like an angel. It's inexplicable. You just never know how it might go. You hope for the best. I usually nap with her when she has her morning nap but when I have to go somewhere or do something I don't always get to do that. On no sleep, I find that I am much more stressed, much more fragile. I could cry at the drop of a hat and everything just seems worse.

My Mom always said that once a baby starts solid food, they sleep better through the night. It was true overall, at least for a while. I think now that Michelle is learning to stand and wanting to explore so much that her mind is more active so maybe it's harder to settle down and to stay asleep. I am grateful for the nights that she sleeps well so that I'm able to get things done and catch some sleep myself. I just have to muddle through the nights where she doesn't sleep and try not to let it get to me. Some days when I find myself feeling really down or anxious I remind myself how exhaustion can affect me. I just don't function as well on no sleep.

I have to realize that Michelle is going through a lot --learning so much in so short a time. A few months ago she learned to sit on her own and now it's like she's been doing it forever. Standing and walking will become second nature too but while she's still learning and wobbly and falling, it's a tough process for her to go through and takes a lot of her physical and mental energy. Each day now it seems she figures something else out. Before she used to just knock the stacking rings over and chew on them. Now she actually tries (and sometimes succeeds though it may just be a fluke) to put them back on. She used to just look at the pictures when I read to her but now she seems to look curiously at the words so I started pointing to each word as I read it and she seemed fascinated. She's learning to stand, wanting to walk, trying to communicate. She's on the verge of so many things. I know myself that when there's a lot on my mind I have a hard time sleeping, so why should she be different?

There was a moment where Michelle pulled herself up on the ottoman and then let go for a moment and stood. I was sitting right there, ready to grab her if she started to wobble but I let her be. She waved her hands in excitement, realizing that she was standing on her own, not holding anything. My heart was in my throat. "Yes!" I said encouragingly, "Clever girl! You're standing!" She looked quite proud of herself. I know that my heart will be in my throat for months. Afraid she's going to fall, ready to catch her. I suppose in a way, that feeling will remain for the rest of her life. My Mom says she still worries about me -- in my 40s but still her little girl and now with a little girl of my own. As we go through life there are many moments when we are uncertain, venturing into the unknown, moments where we may fall and get hurt. We can't let that stop us. We have to say "Yes" to life, even when it's scary. I don't want Michelle to ever get hurt but at the same time I have to make sure I'm not too overprotective. I have to give her room to grow and explore. I have to encourage her, to let go a little and let her take those wobbly steps on her own, even if she falls.

The whole famdamily!

My whole family got together for a combined Easter and birthday celebration for my brother Chris. It was chaotic, as our family events usually are, but fun. It was a nice day out, though still a little chilly when the sun went behind the clouds. Half the family hung out in the yard for the day. When Mom announced that she had put the turkey in and it would be done in 2 and a half hours I was surprised. "I've never heard of a turkey cooking that quickly!" She had miscalculated. It was more like 4 and a half hours. We wound up having dinner after 7 p.m. Oh well. It was good but I only had a little anyway. My stomach still wasn't great. I'd been violently ill the night before (woke up at 1 a.m. with diarrhea and vomiting simultaneously. Yes it doesn't get much worse. Thank God Michelle slept through it and slept while I had a shower. And Thank God she didn't catch whatever it was. Food poisoning? 24 hour flu? Who knows?)

I called my sister in the morning because I still felt awful and was scared. I knew that my niece had a nasty flu a week or so earlier and wanted to see how long her symptoms lasted. For some reason the throwing up is always in the middle of the night. I didn't throw up again but still didn't feel quite right. I was probably dehydrated. When Michelle and I had our morning nap I felt a million times better. Being on no sleep didn't help. I just took it easy the rest of the day and didn't eat much. Even with the birthday cake (homemade chocolate cake is pretty hard to resist and normally I'd have a huge piece!) I only had half a piece.

I am always grateful to spend time with my family. It's not often that we can all get together as a group. A lot of people I've talked to said they don't even celebrate birthdays with their families. They don't get together for holidays. It seems to be more the exception than the rule to be close to your family. Once kids grow up and have their own families they don't spend a lot of time with their parents anymore. Maybe it's because Mom always insisted on it that we grew up thinking it was just the norm. I don't mind it. I love my family. I'm wishing more and more that I lived closer to them. Of course I'd probably have to win a lottery to afford a house in Oakville and money is tighter than ever.

 



















My Dad is always excited to see his youngest granddaughter and Michelle is happy to see him too. She loves when he lifts her up in the air. My parents feel so blessed to have seven grandchildren. They really thought (as I certainly did!) that Reggie would be the last one since my brother Chris and I were certain we weren't having children and May and Mike weren't planning on any more. Michelle was definitely the biggest and best surprise of my life. It's nice to visit with family and have several extra pairs of arms to hold her. She would reach for my Dad, then my Mom, then back to me. She was enjoying all the attention.

Auntie May, Uncle Chris and Auntie Barb all had turns holding her too. Everyone commented on how good she was. She had been an angel on the drive over too. Some days I really can't complain. Then other days she's a little monster. You just never know how it's going to go. It was a relief to have her go easy on me on a day when I wasn't feeling 100% though. In the morning I felt so rough I almost thought I should just stay home but I didn't want to miss the celebration. My sister suggested I just eat very little. She also reminded me that at least at my Mom's there would be other people to hold Michelle. Trying to carry her when I felt weak and dizzy was the biggest challenge of being ill. Whatever the bug was it seemed to work its way out of my system thankfully. I just hope it wasn't anything anyone else could catch. If we all stayed home when someone was sick we'd probably never see each other though. Dad had a bit of a cough. James had a cold. With a big family chances are someone will have something at any given time.

Michelle is officially 8 months old now. I'm seeing changes already. She's sleeping a little better. She's pooping up a storm so she must be getting enough to eat. She has four meals a day -- cereal for breakfast, meat and veggies or fruit for lunch, meat and fruit for dinner, and oatmeal in the evening. I had heard that you can start babies on finger foods at 8 months so I thought I'd try giving her a couple of Cheerios to see what she would do. It was good practice for her fine motor skills picking up the little Os with her thumb and forefinger but after 15 minutes of playing with the cereal it was clear that they would never make it into her mouth. It's ironic when she puts EVERYTHING in her mouth that she wouldn't put food in. My Mom said that she's not used to having anything that small which is true and I guess it's a blessing if she's cautious about putting small items in her mouth. I finally put one of the Cheerios in her mouth for her. She screwed up her face like "What on Earth is this?" and started to gag. That was enough for me. I'm going to wait until she's 9 months old to try finger foods again. I'm certainly not going to push if she's not ready. She's eating the baby food pretty well (the few things that she likes at least -- cereal, sweet potatoes with turkey and pears being her favourites) and seems healthy. She's nursing every 3 hours through the day now and every 2-3 hours through the night.

They say that "a little knowledge" is dangerous. When it comes to babies, "a little mobility" is even more dangerous. Now that Michelle can move around, it's very scary. She pulls herself along like a caterpillar. I keep the cellar door closed now (it used to be open all the time so the cat could come and go from her litter box. Now she has to cry at the door) just in case because Michelle can move surprisingly fast. Now I even have to worry about her standing and falling when I turn my head for a second. She was playing nicely in the living room on the blanket with her toys, or so I thought. I went into the kitchen for a second and when I looked back, to my shock, MICHELLE WAS STANDING! ON HER OWN! She had pulled herself up for the first time on her own and was standing holding onto the ottoman. I raced over to her but it was too late. Thank God I had pillows propped against the TV stand or she would have whacked her head against the glass doors as she fell. The problem is it would take 100,000 pillows to block every hard surface on the main floor. I told my Mom and she just laughed. "That's why all of my kids had trips to the hospital for stitches. You can't prevent accidents from ever happening." Today she's pulling up on her own, next thing I know she'll be standing alone then taking her first wobbly steps and I'll have my heart in my throat the whole time. I don't want her to get hurt. But I do want her to learn and grow. She has been having fun exploring the living room. She pulled half the DVDs off the bottom shelf. I figured it wasn't doing any harm other than she was chewing on a couple of the boxes. I put the kids movies on the bottom shelf because I thought that would end up happening. At least it entertains her for a bit. I've tried to remove anything that can really hurt her other than of course the hardwood floor itself and the furniture.

Now that I'm a mother myself I appreciate my parents more and feel closer to my family than ever before. Though I'm a single Mom it's nice to know that I'm not alone and that I have their love and support. Time is going by so fast. I can't believe we've already celebrated Michelle's first Christmas and Easter. Her First Birthday will be just around the corner. I can't imagine what she'll be doing by then. Hopefully she doesn't get into too much trouble along the way...